#I yelled something about saucy nuggets cause my brain saw the sign at the kfc

[the-amalgam-house]

High as fuck with no inhibitions makes me realize that at my core, I'm still all the traits that were deemed "annoying" (usually by me but occasionally by family) and that for like ALL of my late teen to adult life I've been scared to be seen as annoying/cringe

But my persona is crafted around very purposely avoiding saying or doing the first thing that comes to mind, which may be part of why there's that autism burnout happening. I don't let my autistic/adhd impulses blurt out cause I put on my mask and go "no, that's weird, normal people don't say that."

So now I'm kind of afraid to rediscover who I am without masking like Out Loud cause I'll feel judged. Mostly by Nina I guess cause she's known me as This for our whole lives. I let an impulse escape today while in the car with Nina and felt I had to immediately apologize. I don't realize I'm always holding back so much, and in part why I'm always so tired.

Feeling like I can't just let go and unmask 100% is so weird tho cause like? Nina wouldn't care? Kanon doesn't care? I won't be relentlessly made fun of for having autistic tics and adhd everything. It might be a BIT annoying but the worst anyone would do if I annoy them is maybe sigh loudly or laugh a little awkward. That's nothing.

When I can just let my brain go to goop, I'm just like that. When I'm sober I catch every line before it goes out in rapid succession before getting to the version that's socially appropriate one to say. That costs energy and mental stamina to always be making. Oof.

I should just allow myself to be weird. I might come off as really immature, but it would be freeing.