#I would be spending all my nonexistent money on concert tickets right about now if I could. But nope. fuckkkkk

[nanoa1foryou]

Fun fact! You could still get tickets to see Käärijä, Kuumaa, Erika Vikman X Benjamin, and Bess shows at Allas Sea Pool this summer!

Other fun fact! What the fuck do you mean Erika Vikman And Benjamin coheadliner show back to back with Käärijä? How is anyone supposed to survive both or choose just one? And how is Kuumaa the only one out of these that has sold out a show and gotten an additional date, when they had 2 to start out with and the most expensive tickets out of this group?

[aviationfiction]

XXXII

Dante St. James

“I need you all to understand that it takes a tremendous amount of effort and time to build a business. There is no such thing as an overnight success. I don’t care how many viral moments you see. I know that social media driven fame has become the new thing. It’s those moments where someone does something simpleminded or displays some type of talent and the next thing you know they’re sitting on Ellen’s couch and being given tickets some some concert, sporting event, or a four figure donation. As quickly as those moments of fame come is as quickly as they fizzle out. Are we talking about Antoine Dodson anymore? Remember he told us to hide our kids and our wives?” As expected, laughter sounded out in the enormous seminar room as everyone shook their heads in response to my question and also towards one of the biggest viral moments the internet as ever seen. Though I typically hate conducting our workshops, I still take them on rather than passing them off to someone else because I have no issue with sharing my knowledge. It’s an essential part of life. We learn so that those after us can utilize our knowledge and improve upon what we’ve already done. Who am I to try and avoid the circle of life? Though the higher ups in the building tend to look at the interns as the flunkies who they can control and manipulate, I view them as budding employees who are slowly working their way up their ranks. We tend to hire interns from some of the most prestigious schools in the country, but it was me who also opened up our selection process to state schools, community colleges, and institutions with small student bodies. Everyone deserves a chance. Some of the people we hail as geniuses in a ton of fields didn’t even go to college. If I can sit up here and drop enough gems to advance everyone in the room forward whether it be here at the company or in some other aspect of their lives, I’m serving a part of my purpose. Despite what they may think, I learn from them just as much.

“I can stand here and list off a ton of those moments, but overall, are we talking about them now? No. As a public relationships representative for a company, you do not want that. If you cannot attract and retain customers and consumers, not only will whatever company or artist you work for fall under the radar to the point of being obsolete, but you yourself will not survive in the field.”

“But with someone like Antoine, he wasn’t looking for fame. It just sort of came to him. Right?” The question came from the back of the room. If I’m not mistaken, is name tag said Harris.

“He was seeking proper PR after the fact. Often times people who experience those viral moments try to capitalize off of them. Why wouldn’t they? Your name and face is out there, so why not try to make some money off of a naive public that is getting amusement off of whatever it is that you said or did? He did a couple of television appearances and even did correspondence for some show for a couple of months. He did the typical showing up to Hollywood events for the sake of publicity move and don’t forget they turned the audio from the news report into a song that sold millions of singles. He was performing that crappy auto-tuned song everywhere, even on BET. He ended up hiring a publicist and that person had him move out to L.A. and ruined whatever momentum he had. That was the end of it for him. There was no real goal there. There was no strategy because as you said, he wasn’t seeking fame in the first place. This is why those type of people fade away. As publicist its your job to do your best in creating the momentum behind a person, but I won’t lie to you about it being challenging especially when you initially notice that whatever talent, product, or service they’re trying to push out there is bullshit. As interns, that’s what they’re going to push down here to you, sadly. That’s apart of the challenge. As you work your way up, you’ll be able to pick and choose who and what you want to represent. You’ll be able to sort through the pile and toss what sounds great to the right and the nonsense to the left. You’ll be able choose between working with Sony Records instead of having to come up with a marking campaign for the guy who is trying to sell baby poop alarms. Yes, that’s a real invention. Look it up.” Even I had to laugh at that one. That is by far the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ve had my experiences with people and products that have rendered to me to speechlessness from their ridiculousness. Nothing tops that one.

“And don’t forget. Don’t overlook platforms just because it didn’t work in the past. Don’t close your ears to suggestions. The important part of keeping things going at any PR firm is feedback. We’ve talked about this before and I cannot stress it enough. Share with your people. Uplift your firm. Update the people around you about the results of whatever you’ve done whether it’s successful or not. If it’s successful, it can always become even better. If it’s not, modifications can be done to get it there.” With the click of a button, I shut the oversized screen off as a sign of my conclusion and the round of applause caused me to swiftly turn my head with a smirk. I never expected it, but it’s nice nonetheless.

“Thank you. It’s been three long days but I’m glad that you all were attentive, well enthused, and engaged each day. You all make it easy on me. Feel free to stop by my office if you have any questions or you want to run something by me. I have an open door policy unless I’m extremely busy. Either way, Stacey will make sure I get the message, even if I can’t get back to you immediately. Have a Happy Thanksgiving as well.”

You ever been tired of hearing yourself speak? Though the three day workshop was a success, I’m damn sure tired of hearing my voice. I’m up at five and in the office by seven so that I can respond to any e-mails and go over paperwork before coming down here to spend the rest my early morning and the bulk of the afternoon amongst the interns. Matthew was supposed to be in here with me two out of three of this days but my no show older brother purposefully ducked off to Vegas to get out of it. What he deems to be work is most likely going to be nothing more than a weekend of drinking and gambling away money that he’s making simply for being employed here. Though Richard popped his head in twice, I didn’t bother with addressing it and I’m not going to now that it’s all said and done. My patience in that particular area is diminishing from thin to nonexistent day by day. I have enough on my plate as it is.

“I got you Carbone for lunch. I was in the area so I figured why not.” As soon as I stepped one foot of the elevator, I could hear Stacey’s voice. I don’t understand how she automatically knows it’s me coming. She’s yet to fail at it.

“What did you get?”

“The spicy rigatoni vodka with the meatballs and grilled asparagus. I know it sounds heavy, but what Italian dishes aren’t? Your mother called for you. I’m sure you’re not going to call back, so moving on. I also got you a little something something from the cheesecake factory. You needed a dessert with that.”

“Did something happen?” I didn’t bother to walk down to her office. Instead, I opened the door to my own and awaited the sound of her heels. Eventually, she’ll get up and make her way in here.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because you bought me Carbone for lunch and then stopped at the Cheesecake Factory to buy me dessert. Either you did something or something happened. Which one is it?” As soon as I flopped down into the leather chair, I eyed the two bags she left on my desk. Though my appetite isn’t craving much of anything because Autumn was up early enough to fill my stomach with French toast, eggs, and turkey bacon, I am absolutely going indulge on the cheesecake. If it’s a red velvet slice, that’s even better.

“I didn’t do it.” Suddenly the sound of her heels became more annoying than it usually is. I knew there had to be something.

“Well who did?”

“Richard.” His name rolled off of her tongue in the same manner as it would have rolled off of mine if I were the one saying it. Though he’s never personally stepped out of character with Stacey, her disdain for him stems from the relationship that she and I have. If were up to her, I would have left his company a couple of years ago. Now that Autumn’s in my life, her advice for me to get out of here has become more intense and urgent. Whether she can go wherever I end up or not, she would rather stay behind than to see me remain confined within these A&M walls.

“What happened?”

“Your father has been walking around this building ever since he came in this morning telling people that you’re engaged. Not only has he been telling people that you’re engaged, but he’s also giving them a wedding date.” Suddenly my desire to devour that piece of cheesecake diminished and disdained filled the pit of my stomach at the thought of him boastfully walking around here announcing what I know he feels nothing but sarcasm and indifference about. I never had any intention to conceal my engagement from anyone, but from the moment I took that knee in front of Autumn, I did internally vow to protect it from those who I know are toxic and more than willing to go out of their way to sabotage what she and I share. It’s been two weeks since her birthday festivities and I’ve contemplated speaking to my parents and brother about it a number of times and personally chose to back down at the end of each thought. If we had a normal family dynamic, I would have had a conversation with both my father and brother a long time ago and would have gotten advice not only on how to treat a woman but how to have longevity with one. If I respected my mother and her opinion enough, I would have been picking her brain for pointers on how to woo, romance, and consistently shower Autumn with my love and affection. Our Sunday dinners would have been filled with knowledge from the two elders, laughs with my big brother, and the teasing that I’ve now have gotten used to from my sister-in-law, but instead I sit there filled with tension, counting every minute until I feel compelled to walk out so that I can refrain from mentally exploding. We don’t have nor have we ever had normalcy so my engagement is mine. My fiancée is mine.

“What the hell do you mean he’s telling people a date?”

“He’s mentioning May twentieth and boasting about it being at The Plaza Hotel. I suppose he’s mentioning The Plaza because it’s one of the most, if not the most expensive venue in the city for a wedding. It’s damn near four hundred dollars per guest, with additional taxes and service fees.”

“How do you even know that?”

“Okay, I won’t lie. It’s been two weeks since you laced my soon to be sister-in-law’s finger with that gorgeous Lorraine Swartz ring, so I’ve been looking around. I couldn’t help myself. An engagement party has to happen soon.”

“Stacey.” I slowly drew my hands down my face and huffed. Had she not been the bearer of bad news prior to telling me what she’s been doing since Autumn’s birthday, I would have laughed because she truly cannot help herself. I’d already figured it out when I saw two Brides magazines sneakily tucked under a couple of papers while standing in front of her desk just a couple of days ago. In our many conversations since then, she’ll casually snuck in a couple of questions about the types of flowers I like, my preferred ambiance, and color schemes that have either left me in confusion or amusement. I’m more than glad that she’s excited but if that excitement can stay contained within the bubble that we share while we’re in this building, I’d be thrilled.

“What? I’m happy. I wonder who could have told him though. You think Camille did? She’s the only person that I can think of.” Instantly, I shook my head. She wouldn’t. Camille and I have had more than enough conversations that I’m absolutely sure have remained between the two of us. She and Matthew have far too many issues that need to be discussed so I’m the last person that they’re arguing or potentially pillow talking about.

“No. It couldn’t have been her. Were we some bullshit Page Six story again?”

“No. Autumn posted a couple of photos of herself from her birthday party on her Instagram, but they were all photos that were taken before you proposed because her ring wasn’t on her finger in any of them. Can I ask you something though?”

“What?” Could it have been Camille? Maybe it slipped out at a family dinner? There was no one else at the table who could have encountered Richard since then but her.

“Is she not allowed to post photographs of you?”

“Who said that?” I’m not a social media person. I’ve never been one. Though I’ve been encouraged to up my presence in that area for the sake of this business and self-marketing for future endeavors, I still haven’t delved too much into it because I’ve seen how addicting, vile, and distracting it can be. The interns walk around here with their phones glued to their hands and sit around on their breaks gossiping about the latest in entertainment news or something silly and potentially ignorant that has gone viral for the day. I wouldn’t deem myself to be above it, but I don’t keep up with anyone’s personal business aside from my own and those that I love. Even in the midst of scandals that require extensive P.R. clean up work, I don’t deal with it. That’s not my department. That aside, I’ve never attempted to control or monitor what Autumn chooses to share on social media. I wouldn’t be bothered by her sharing photos of us because I know she understands and even limits what she shares and how it’s done.

“No one did. I’m simply asking.”

“She can post whatever she likes. I’ve never told her that she can’t post photos of me. I don’t believe she’s interested in being the one to usher people into her business and that’s exactly social media is. She had a public divorce, Stace. You know what type of scrutiny comes with that.”

“That’s understandable. It didn’t come from the internet though. Believe me, I looked around.”

“I’m going to ask him myself and do my best to shut him the fuck up. He does his best to control and manipulate just about everything that forms in his path, but my pending marriage is off limits.”

“Dante, you know you have to get out of here before you stand at an alter and exchange vows right? You can’t do that and come back here.”

“I know.” I know that now more than ever. I’ve known since Autumn and I made it official in Las Vegas and it was a focal point of our conversation when I chose to take her to Malibu in the wee hours of the morning to give her a look at what a potential life together could and would be if we were to move out west and turn what is now just a house into a home for ourselves and soon enough, a growing family. Though I can give myself credit for knowing how to control and shift my emotions when necessary, I cannot take the risk of there possibly being a time when I can’t and then I come home to inflict negative energy on the people that I love. I don’t want to bicker back and forth with my wife over trivial bullshit because I’m mentally miserable and entrapped by Richard’s expectations and his underhanded choice in seeing me as a tool rather than a son.  I don’t want Elizabeth showing up to my house and forcing her way into my comfort zone only for an argument to erupt because she’s purposefully overstepping. I have no interest in sitting in a jail cell for the rest of my life because Matthew decided to disrespect Autumn yet again. None of that can come to fruition if the change doesn’t start with myself. I don’t want my children within toxic environments or around the people who create them. I can’t predict what the future will entail nor do I know if there will be any improvements in the relationship I have with the people I share a blood connection with, but I understand how our interactions are now, where the tension stems from, and most of all, that there is no resolution to be had right now or in the foreseeable future.

“I’ll be back.”

My trek to the elevator was swift and though the wait for it was only a mere couple of seconds, suddenly I wished it was minutes or even hours at the doors opened to reveal Megan leaning against the stainless steel wall. Though it’s unspoken, she intentionally attended all of the workshops for the sake of being within my presence for information that she doesn’t need because she already knows it. While there is nothing wrong with making sure to brush up on information to remain sharp within your craft, her intentions have absolutely nothing to do with that and I’ve known it for months. She’s the young school girl who has perfect attendance in a particular class because she enjoys ogling over the teacher but apples aren’t what she wants to put on my desk. The way she maneuvers around here has gone from being something I chuckle at to a certain level of discomfort that may need to be addressed before she does something to get herself expelled from a program that she’s damn near completed. I’d hate for her to allow her hormones to get in the way of the talents that she actually does possess. I’m am not, nor have I ever, nor will I ever be interested in anything beyond a cordial professional connection with her. If she feels compelled to screw people around here, there are a ton of her peers and even superiors who would be more than willing to take her up on the offer.

“Good afternoon Mr. St. James.” We didn’t make eye contact. As I stepped inside, my attention was directed to the panel of buttons. My finger tapped one for the floor I’m going to and I stepped over to the side to give both her and I some room.

“Good afternoon.”

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you that the workshops were great. You always do a such great job.”

“Thank you, I’m glad that you enjoyed them.”

“So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Just about everyone has already left or is leaving early to begin their holiday festivities. Hell, I’m surprised Stacey is still in the building. She usually likes to begin her precooking early in the morning so she won’t have to do any of it overnight.

“I’m spending it with family. You?” Autumn’s family that is. She invited me to come and having Thanksgiving dinner at her house the day after her birthday and I quickly agreed with her request. Typically, I’m at home for Thanksgiving. Though my mother spends days at a time convincing me to head over to their house to have dinner with them, I either decline or agree to get her off of my back, only to leave her in disappointment when I never show up the day of. I usually have no interest in being there during Sunday dinners, so why spend a family oriented holiday at a table filled with food that is poor quality in taste while listening to the banter of three people who I do not favor? Usually Stacey will drop off Tubberwear bowls filled with food, but this year I’m spending it with those who I’ll be able to call my extended family soon enough. Her birthday dinner gave me more than enough of a great vibe to know that they enjoy themselves during celebrations, so I’m looking forward to it. I’m damn sure ready for the food. Both Autumn and her mother are cooking. I already know what my lady can do in the kitchen and if her mom cooks as great as I know she bakes, I’m in for a hell of a treat.

“I’m doing the same. We’re all heading over to my aunts house in Delaware this year; my mom’s sister. It should be nice.”

“Yeah, it sounds nice. I hope you enjoy yourself.”

“Are you really engaged?” I’d already known this trivial conversation was leading up to that question as soon as she opened up her mouth to say good afternoon. The eager expression on her face let the cat out of the bag and there was no way for her to mask it because she’s overt with her emotions and thoughts. I doubt anyone else within the intern pool would be bold enough to ask me such a personal question aside from her and instead of taking an approach of seniority and superiority, I’m going to indulge her curiosity with an honest response.

“Yes.”  What I thought was simple and straight to the point turned into an instant complexity judging by the expression on her face. She lost her train of thought and didn’t know where to go with her follow up question. I don’t see signs of hurt. There was a shock value in what I said judging by the bulging of her eyes and I’m not surprised. Though it isn’t by my doing, I know my love life has always been a whispered topic throughout this place. Because I’ve never engaged in problematic romantic or sexual situations with anyone employed here, it has left them to seek out who I may or may not be dealing with outside of work. For any event we have, there is always an anticipation to see if I’ll show up with anyone on my arm and I leave them all filled with disappointment every single time. I’m sure there are those who have assumed I’m gay because of it. All in all, I really don’t give a shit.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“Is it to the woman I saw you with at The Met?” Shit. I forgot I even spoke with her that day. Up until now, the only thing I could recall was the petty argument that happened between Autumn and I and her hair blowing in the wind as she rode off in a taxi leaving me to wonder if she ended things things between us.

“Yes.” The elevator doors opened as soon as I finished my one worded response. “Have a great day and a Happy Thanksgiving.”

My feet were moving as swiftly as my thoughts. Without acknowledgement or regard, I breezed past Richard’s barely out of college secretary and opened the door to his office, despite her warring about him being on an international business call. Though he continued to speak, he smirked to acknowledge my presence and used his hand to summon me forward. I chose to remain near the door so my exit could be as quick as my entrance. I rarely, if ever, come up here. He usually intrudes on my space or seeks me out.

“Syed, let me give you a call back in about fifteen minutes.” Syed from Marka Holdings. I know exactly where this is going, if not today, then sometime next week.

“Why are you prancing around here talking about something that you know absolutely nothing about. On top of it, you’re giving people a date and promising invitations? You have got to be fucking kidding me.” Aside from the A&M Gala, Richard hosts a ton of parties and a weekend in the Hamptons for a large quantity of employees in the building. He attempts rounds of golf with supervisors and the heads of certain departments and he’s also hosted a few of them at his home. I have a tendency to bring work home but not the people at work. Other than Stacey, I couldn’t imagine having to muster up a phony grin while shaking the hands and giving thanks to attendees from this company who couldn’t care less about my marriage. I don’t mind playing politics but I’d at least like to be able to let my guard down and enjoy my wedding without having to question motives and intentions.

“Congratulations son. Shit if you ask me, I never thought the day would come and yet here it is. I saw it in the way you were looking at her when your mother and I showed up to the opening of your restaurant and nightclub in Los Angeles. You were looking at her like you’d never seen anything like her at any other point in your life. Liz and I had a good laugh at that. She went on and on about how much she likes her and I told her that I like that you like her. I like why you like her. I’ve told you that you need to get your face out there more often and she’s the perfect piece to that puzzle.” Two deep breaths and the shaking of my head did nothing to cease the arising aggravation. The most insulting part of his statement doesn’t come as a surprise. Despite how much he claims to be in love with my mother, she is without a doubt his trophy wife. He parades her around as such and has made plenty of derogatory statements about beating white men at their own game by parading around with one another their own. Early on, he thought Matthew would eventually end up marrying outside of his race as well, but Camille came into the picture at the right time. Though she’s humbly beauty and brains, Camille has a maternal instinct that I am sure he gravitated towards as a means to cope with the loss of his own. Though Elizabeth coddles him and turns a blind eye to his bullshit as a means to pay her debt for having played a part in ruining his family, she isn’t his mother and he’ll never view her as such despite his pretending. He turns to Camille, who has a ton of similar traits to his mother, and she pets and takes care of him though he is undeserving. It’s likely the reason why he’s not as invested in them starting a family is because the children will draw a lot of her attention away from him.

“My relationship isn’t for show or to gain traction to my public persona. I don’t operate like you. How many times does that have to be clarified and proven for you to understand it? Anything I have going on beyond this place is beyond you and your acceptance. So do me a rare favor and stop walking around here giving people false information about my business for the sake of making yourself look good. I don’t need it and neither do you.”

“I went to Lorraine to pick out a tennis bracelet for your mother and a couple of other pieces since the holiday season has arrived and it was quite interesting and yet confusing when she quickly congratulated me on gaining a daughter-in-law. She then went on and on about how detailed you were in designing the ring and how important the whole entire process was for you and I had to sit there with a smirk on my face while nodding in agreement with some shit that I had no idea about. How exactly do you justify not telling your parents that you plan on marrying someone?”

“As I said, anything I have going on beyond this place is beyond you. That’s all the justification you need. You shouldn’t be surprised by what I don’t tell you. What should surprise you is what I do tell you.” His face eased into a blankness as his eyes attempted to piece a hole through me. I struck a nerve.

“Your mother and I would like to host you and your fiancée for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow evening.”

“No thank you. We have plans already.”

“A lot of the decisions that you make to isolate yourself don’t bother me. You are who you are and despite your resistance, I am proud of who you have become. I cannot and will not dwell on you throwing these silent tempter tantrums because I didn’t take you to the park to kick a ball around or because I didn’t throw you some fancy sweet sixteen party and present you with a sports car in front of all of your friends. I raised you to be a man and I financed the finest educational opportunities to complete that task. My job is done. It’s your mother who sits around moping and crying over you continuing to shut her out despite her endless attempts to amend the tension between the two of you. How does that not guilt you? There are people who wake up everyday wishing that they’re able to have a conversation or share a hug with their mother and yet you take that for granted.”

“Do I? It might be a little too late for me to be craving a mommy type of hug. She should have been giving me those when I was a child and actually needed them. Those were necessary when I was trying to learn what love is. Now? I don’t see the point. You can’t miss what you never had right? It’s difficult to make up for that kind of intentional lost time. She made that choice. Not me. I didn’t come here to talk about that or her. Stop turning my personal life into a hot shot story. That’s all I have to say.”

“What do you think you’re going to do? Get married without your mother and I in attendance? You’d look like a fool.”

“What’s that quote by Winston Churchill? Uh….oh yeah. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”

The famous quote was my final statement and it lingered in the silence that followed my exit. Nothing more needed to be said and I had no interest in starting a full blown argument over what he knows is out of line. If anything, he pulled that charade today out of spitefulness for whatever unwanted emotions he’s feeling due to my lack of mentioning anything directly to him. Despite that, he knows better than to seek guilt from me about anything. I don’t regret it and if it were up to me, he still wouldn’t know.

Leaving the office now, baby. I’m on my way to you.

Though she insisted that I didn’t have to do it, I promised Autumn that I’d be picking her up from work today and we’d grab a pizza and some great pasta for lunch. It’s been a while since we had a pizza date and I’ve missed watching her drool over each slice she consumes. Also, it’ll be a way for us to have some private time to kick it with one another before we’re at her parents home and surrounded by relatives that I know and plenty that I will be getting to know.

Don’t go to Teterboro. I’m not there. Isaac and his ridiculous ass drove me to the hospital in Hackensack over absolutely nothing. Just go to your place and then I’ll call you when I’m on my way home so you can head over. I’ll tell you what happened when you get to the house. I love you.

The “over nothing” portion of her text message never registered. As my pace picked up, my phone nearly slipped out of my palm as perspiration built up. My frustration and anxiety met the golden elevator’s button as I pressed it ceaselessly in hopes that the elevator’s operating system would understand my mental space and quicken it’s pace so that I could exit the building properly, but it didn’t. Instead, I opted for the staircase and dashed into my office to retrieve my possessions. Out of respect for Stacey, who had disappeared from her desk, I took the lunch she bought me with me and sent her a text message that I left the building while on my way to the car. God had to be on my side as I forced myself to remain within the New York City speed limit while heading towards NY-495 West but I defied him a bit as I put my foot to the petal once I was on I-95 in New Jersey. The lack of traffic was what allowed me to race against the thirty five minute time frame it should have taken me to get to her and I was able to cut it down to twenty five. I didn’t have a clue of where she could be, so my best choice was to start with the emergency room. Whether she was there or not, they could give me answers.

“Dante!”

While digging down into my pocket for my phone, I turned my attention in the direction that the light voice came from. Lauren raised her hand up high enough for me to notice her as she trekked down the hallway with her coat draped over her arm. Though I didn’t expect to see her, relief flushed through my thoughts because I no longer had to ask a ton of questions to random employees.

“I’m so glad that you’re here and yet I’m kind of not glad about it, because she’s going to be so mad.” I raised both eyebrows at her giggling and she shook her head. “She’s so angry and she’s being stubborn because she feels like Isaac overreacted. Lillian and I were already out at the store picking up what was left on Autumn’s list of groceries that she needs for her portion of tomorrow’s dinner when we got the phone call, so we just rushed here. The groceries are still in the car and everything. Silas is at the house with Larissa and Ray but he’s been calling just about every ten minutes. I can only imagine the look on her face when she’s sees you. She’s probably going to blame me and say that I called you.”

“She told me that she’s here, so she’ll know it wasn’t you. She texted me telling me to go home and wait for her, but that wasn’t happening.”

“I’m glad it didn’t. Maybe you can talk some of that stubborn down. You do know your wife to be is a very stubborn woman right?”

“I know.”

“Good. So you know what you’re going to be dealing with as long as you both shall live.”

“I do.” Our chuckling followed my response. I learned that about her very early on and though it has it’s slightly annoying moments, it does have it’s cute ones. I also appreciate that she knows when to check herself in that area.

“She’s right through those doors down there and in the second bed closest to the left when you walk in the room. Luckily the other patient in the room was discharged a little while ago, so he didn’t have to endure the continuous argument between she and her brother for long.”

“What happened? Why is she here?”

“Some dizziness that caused her to take quite a bit of a fall.” My eyes instantly widened at that revelation and while Lauren nodded in understanding at my reaction. “Issac thought she was having another one of those TIAs or worse, so he put her in the car despite her protests and drove her here.”

“I’m glad he did. I’m going to check on her. You’re leaving?”

“I’m just running to the car, I’ll be back.”

“Okay.” After receiving clearance from a staff member in registration, I was granted access to the emergency room. A churning in my stomach sparked up at the stench and sight of illness. When my uncle started being in and out of hospitals, much like anyone else I developed a bit of distaste in the midst of the respect I do have for the people who put in countless hours to save lives. It’s something about knowing that no matter how many times he was back and forth in the hospital, his health slowly but surely continued to deteriorate. It caused resentment to fester within me. It makes sense given that he’s the only father that I ever knew. With that in mind, a place like this is the last place I want to see my fiancee in unless it’s to birth our children.

I could hear Autumn’s complaints as soon as I stepped in the room and her mother’s plea for her to cooperate went into one ear and right out of the other as she spoke over her and scolded Isaac for being so impulsive and stupid. Surprisingly he didn’t respond with words. He let her rant fly freely.

“You’re really having a fit over here huh?” Though I playfully poked my head beyond the curtain to lighten the mood, the bewildered expression on her face signified just how poorly that went over. Had it not been an embarrassing move within itself, I’m almost sure she would have pulled the white sheet over her head and did her best to mentally disappear from the room. Aside from the machines hooked up to her finger and arm to check the standard vitals, she looked to be doing alright and that granted me far more relief than anyone could ever understand. I can only imagine what her family went through when she was hospitalized and how the visual and experience has remained embedded in their conscious, but if God is on my side I don’t ever want her to go through something like that ever again. I don’t want to stand over the love of my life as her life hangs on by a thread. It’ll mentally and physically suffocate me.

“Boy am I glad that you’re here. Maybe you can talk some sense into your fiancée and convince her to do the CT, so that we can go home. That’s all she needs.” Lillian drew her lips up into a frustrated smirk and glanced over at her headstrong child who refused to make eye contact with me.

“I’m going to step outside. Maybe she’ll do it if she no longer has someone to argue with.”

“We wouldn’t be arguing if you hadn’t overreacted to absolutely nothing.”

“Or maybe we shouldn’t be arguing because I was only looking out for you. I don’t think you understand because you weren’t on the other side of that shit. I’ve never known you to be a person to lack empathy so don’t pull that bullshit now because you’re upset. I’m glad you’re alright for the most part, but lets not forget the last time you were gripping your head and you hit the ground, you didn’t get back up. Thankfully, you’re still here after what happened. Carelessness can always be a reason for you not to be, but I’m not participating in that shit. I did what was right. Be mad all you fucking want to.” In a swift movement, he snatched his trench coat off of the chair on the left side of the bed and walked around me. Though his words didn’t seem to go into one of her ears and right out of the other, she couldn’t help but to roll her eyes at his emotions because she was still stuck in her own.

“I don’t like places like this. Who the hell does? You don’t know what it’s like to be woken up every half an hour or so to someone sticking you with this and that, taking you from floor to floor for a bunch of tests that never make sense, and painfully wondering if you’re going to get the hell out of here. My time in this very hospital was not pleasant. So excuse me if you all are pissed off because I have fears and hesitance about coming to places like this.”

“No one is refuting how you feel. We haven’t done that. I understand where you’re coming from. No one enjoys coming to hospitals sweetheart, but you know what? It’s apart of life and it’s better to be safe than sorry. Your brother isn’t a doctor. He became alarmed by it and wanted to get you to a place where what you’re feeling could be analyzed and understood whether it was something big or small.” Rather than scolding Autumn for the silence that followed, she pressed her lips to her forehead and endearingly ran her hand over the top of her head in a manner that only a mother could do. “I’m going to step outside for a couple of minutes.”

Rather than taking a seat in the chair, I purposefully invaded her space by sitting down towards the end of the bed. Though I hadn’t said anything yet, she was forced to make eye contact and within that split second, the vulnerability that she’d been trying so hard to mask since my arrival slipped beyond her control and began pouring out of her by the way of tears filling her eyes and her arms protectively being wrapping around the upper portion of her body.

“Why do you fear vulnerability? We all have it.”

“Because I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. It worsened shit when I was feeling sorry for myself.”

“I don’t feel sorry for you. I love and care about you. That’s not the same context. I’m quite sure that everyone else who showed up here because they love and care about you feels the same way. What happened at work?” She received me as I inched closer. Once I opened my palm, her hand slipped into mine and our fingers interlocked in our usual fashion.

“A headache. I woke up with it. It became a bit more intense as I was going over logistics for the Christmas party and I ended up tripping. I didn’t fall out like Isaac assumed. I felt a bit dizzy and I tripped. That’s how I fell and I hit my shoulder pretty hard on the floor.”

“You didn’t tell me you had a headache this morning.”

“Because it felt like a typical headache. I took Motrin before I left but they ended being ineffective. I get migraine headaches from time to time. This isn’t anything new.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“I feel alright. My shoulder has a bit of an ache but there’s no damage there or anything like that. I hit it on something. Any part of your body will hurt if that happens to it. They gave me a pill that’s already helping and I’m sure before I’m discharged from here, they’ll give me a shot like usual. We have been through this before.”

“And the CT?”

“Stupid. It’s not a TIA or a stroke, Dante.”

“Well let’s just get it done to be sure and walk out of here knowing there’s nothing to worry about. Can you do that for me? It’s one little test. I’ll go with you if you want. After that, we’re out of here. Alright?” Her hard exhale earned a laughter from me that only prompted her to roll her eyes and she eventually nodded her head to comply with the request.

“Thank you. When we get out of here, we’ll get that pizza.”

“To go, because I have to finished prepping a few things. I’m also making all of the desserts today.”

“Don’t you think you should take it easy on that shoulder?”

“I will, tomorrow when all the cooking is finished. Once that’s done, I don’t plan on doing anything else other than laying around and watching TV like I do every Thanksgiving once we’ve eaten and the laziness kicks in.”

“Oh. I meant to ask you, what’s in those bags that you bought in the house yesterday?” The innocent smirk that arose on her face after her eyes widened only caused me to narrow mine. As quickly as she arrived and sat down in my lap is as quickly as I forgot about the bags. I even walked past them on the way out this morning and never once thought to take a peak.

“Customized Christmas ornaments.”

“Oh man.” She has every intention to make it look like Christmas has thrown up in my apartment and there is absolutely nothing that I can or will do to stop her. The excitement she’s had in talking about it increases everyday and I’d be an asshole to rain on her parade. At least it’s not me doing it, because if were, that same small ass Christmas tree that Mike has a vendetta against would be sat out on the table and left as it is.

“You’re going to love it. I promise.”

“I’m not complaining. Do as you please.”

Though she attempted to hide it with the hospital gown covering her top half, I could see the bruise forming on her shoulder as the nurse wheeled her towards the elevator for the scan. Every few seconds, her impotent eyes would pan towards the left to see if I was still walking along side her for this process. Though I couldn’t go inside, I assured her that I’d be waiting outside and I did for the twenty minutes she lay inside of that machine. Her mood then went on a array of up and down emotions until we were presented with results that proved no abnormalities were found. As Autumn informed me before, they did give her a shot right in the upper area of her backside and a prescription for any further pain she may have with her head. The instructions for her shoulder were simple; ice and rest. Knowing Autumn, neither will happen. The concept of sitting still seems to go over my fiancee’s head and yet I can’t judge her because I’m still learning how to do so myself.

“You need to apologize to your brother.”

“Have I told you how handsome you look today? That grey is so sexy.” As I gently eased her black patent leather puffer coat over her shoulders, my lips curved in response to her obvious deflecting.

“He deserves the apology.”

“But…”

“Autumn.”

“Okay. Fine. I’ll apologize. You do look really handsome though. I didn’t say that to be slick.”

“Thank you. I’ll take those things there. Lets gets out of here.”

“Oh you don’t have to tell me twice.” As I grabbed her purse and the extended care packet the nurse left behind, she walked out ahead of me. By the time I’d gotten out into the hallway, I was left to keep up with her stride as she made her way towards the exit of the emergency room. She refused to even peak her head inside of the waiting room to alert anyone that all was fine and that it was time to go. She needed fresh air, but most of all, the reassurance in her being okay and not having to be imprisoned to a bed in such a place was her being able to walk out of those doors.

“Isaac and Lauren are sitting in the car having coffee. I decided to wait in here. I knew all would be well. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit more assurance.”

“Yeah, she’s fine. Why didn’t you come back to the room?” As I helped her pull her coat over her shoulders, she gave me a knowing smile though her facial expression held a seriousness in it that I didn’t understand.

“It was at this very hospital that I had to make decisions about her life that technically weren’t up to me. I reached out to Andreas and he did nothing. He did not come here and hold up his end of that in sickness and in health portion of his vows. Silas and I were left to handle everything. I know you love my daughter and have asked for her hand in marriage, but there is so much that comes with that and situations like this are exactly that. You will be her life partner, so when you arrived I excused myself because I wanted to began to find my own comfort in knowing that I can trust that you will be there for her.”

“For as long as there is breath in my body, I will be there for her.”

“Well, alright then. Lets get home because there is cooking to be done. Autumn tells me that you don’t really celebrate holidays, so I plan on making you change your mind about them. We always have a great time and with you now becoming an addition to the family, we have to show you how it’s done.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Are you making that cake that you shared with me on my birthday?”

“I am. I know you love cheesecake, so there will be a few options in that area. This and Christmas are the two days of year where we really overindulge on the desserts.”

“Oh yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to it now.” Her hand met my back during our laughter and she gave it a gentle pat.

“We’re so happy to have you Dante.”

“Here, take some of this too.”

Autumn unfolded her legs and crawled towards me with her plate so that I could give her half of the slice of cheesecake Stacey bought me. Somehow, we ended up sprawled out on her bedroom’s rug with a half pepperoni half cheese pizza being shared amongst us. Though the television was on, the volume was low enough for neither one of us to glance in it’s direction to check out whatever movie was playing on the HBO channel she left it on. Most of my attention was on her thighs as my grey shorts, that she somehow stole, loosely rode up on her thighs. The Columbia t-shirt covering her upper frame? Mine too. We would have been damn near identical twins in attire if I didn’t opt for a pair of sweatpants instead.

“Some interesting shit happened at work today. Stacey usually always buys me lunch whenever some aggravating shit is either going down or soon to go down. As soon as I saw that pasta and the cheesecake on my desk, I knew it had to be something.”

“Is everything alright? What was it?” Rather than scooting back to where she was, she lazily threw her legs over mine and leaned back against the frame of her bed for support.

“Richard found out about our engagement and began telling a lot of people about it. It got around the building enough for an intern to ask me about it. He was even telling people a date and promising invitations to people I wouldn’t even invite them to a birthday party of mine let alone my damn wedding.” Her eyes washed over me and yet they held no reluctance or resistance about what I revealed.

“You truly do not pay them any mind huh?”

“I don’t, but why do you ask?”

“Because both he and your brother try to do everything in their power to dig under your skin.”

“I’ve summed it up to them not knowing how to communicate in any other manner. Neither one of them understand how to hold a proper conversation with me nor do they desire to address the tension and elephant that is always in the room when we’re within each other’s presence, so it ends up being shit like what happened today. He felt like I was being spiteful by not telling him so his revenge was to do something he knew would make me uncomfortable and angry.”

“Can I ask you something?” After putting another folk full of the red velvet sweetness into her mouth, I nodded and remained silent so she could proceed with it.

“What is it going to take for some amending to begin? I know that it won’t happen overnight nor will it happen within a year but what will it take for just the beginning of it to start?” I’ve asked myself that question a number of times and each time I’ve come up with a different answer to satisfy my own needs. Initially, I’ve always had selfish thoughts of what needed to be done to accommodate myself and what I’ve been feeling over the course of my childhood and into my adulthood. I’ve considered how many apologies it’ll take, the genuine nature that needs to be involved, and the truths that I’ve yet to hear from any of them. As an adult I now realize that the complexities are far too extensive for it all to just be driven towards what I’ve felt and still am feeling. There are a number of hurt people involved and it all stems from different situations intertwined into a web of sin and bullshit. I’m not completely innocent in it either.

“The truth. Often times, people have this concept of wanting to move forward and put the past behind them. While that sounds good, I also see it as an escape route; a poor one at that. It’s simply people choosing to know that the skeletons are in the closet and making a conscious decision to not open the door. Eventually, someone will, whether it’s by a mistake or on purpose. I’m not the one running from it, they are. I’m not perfect but they have an issue when it comes to addressing their flaws and where they’ve gone wrong. How do you ever learn if you don’t acknowledge when you’re wrong? How can an apology ever be genuine if you can’t even admit or talk about what you’re apologizing for? That’s what I need. Ultimately, it doesn’t start with me. There has to be plenty of self realization before that can happen.”

“I understand where you’re coming from. Before you can amend anything with them, they need to look deep inside of themselves and come to terms with their own deep rooted issues.”

“Absolutely.”

“When do you want to get married?” That question caught me off guard, not because I haven’t been thinking about time frames, but mostly because I’m not sure how that correlates to this particular conversation. “I’ve been giving it some thought and I’ve considered this up and coming summer, somewhere around your birthday since it’s at the very end of August or maybe in September. It’s either that or we wait until maybe the Spring of following year.”

“It’s funny that you mention August because I was thinking of the same month. The nineteenth.” A smile arose at our similar thoughts.

“I was thinking the twenty sixth but I like the sound of the nineteenth better for some reason.” As my fingers slowly trailed up the skin of her thigh, trails of goosebumps began to follow my fingers and infectiously caused a round to trickle onto the nape of my neck. Just the feel of her skin takes me over the edge. “I love you and I want you be comfortable so do you want to do something small? Maybe we can have a civil union at the courthouse and some kind of a small celebration after with a few of the people that we love until everything is better with your family.”

“Autumn.”

“It’s not like I’d be doing it without my family knowing this time and I wouldn’t exclude them either. It’s our union and I want it to be fair. I don’t mind waiting until you’re ready in that particular area either. I don’t want you to have any regrets or to ever reflect back and think about how much you actually did want them there.”

“Fair for me is having the wedding that neither one of us have ever had. I’m not giving that up for anything or anyone. That’s not a sacrifice that I’m willing to make because there’s no true purpose for it. Why would you ever want to cheat yourself out of that? I want to see you in some of your designs and I’d like to be waiting for you at the top of an alter. I want to see your favorite flowers all over the place and to have a reception that is the best party of the year. After that’s all said and done, I want us to get on that jet and fly to wherever we want on this planet to celebrate our nuptials. That’s fair. I can give you that. Can you give it to me?”

“Of course I can.”

“Thank you.” Our lips met for a soft kiss and her palm traced by face, not in sympathy, but in a reassurance that I have her and we’re in everything together. Much like I am ready and willing to protect her at all costs, I know it is no different on her end.

“You have to promise me something though.”

“Anything.”

“I’d like for you to at least crack the door so that your mom can begin to make her way back into your heart. I am not nor will I ever dismiss how you feel and what you have gone through, but I do know that you love her. The love you have for her is why you’re so disappointed. I know you may not believe it but I see some good in her and she loves you. Just try it and see what happens. Don’t be so resistant all the time. Little by little, okay?”

In choosing her to be my life partner, I expect her to challenge me because Autumn within herself is a challenge that I’m still happily learning and maneuvering through day by day. If anything, I believe that she came into my life for that purpose aside from giving me love and companionship. Without being overbearing, she has changed my perspective on plenty and has broadened my experiences. I’m not surprised by this request and though I wish I could just shrink up and refute all the reasons why she believes this needs to be, I won’t. Not only will she not accept stagnant growth from me but I refuse to accept it from myself.

“Okay. Little by little.”

“Thank you.” A sharp exhale oozed out of my mouth as she straddled my lap and my body fell back the further she pushed herself down. Had this been happening on the marble flooring of my apartment, her clothes would have been halfway off by now but a peak of nervousness caused my eyes to pan back and forth between her breathtaking beauty and the closed yet unlocked door. Her irresistible nature would absolutely be the cause of me taking such a wild risk and yet I don’t want to scar anyone for life nor do I need the heads of this household viewing me in a negative light because I’ve lost all control with their daughter within their home.

“You know where we are right?” The softness of her lips meshed into mine and in that moment a sense of peace washed over every aspect of me. The warmth of her hands cupping my face made me aware of reality and yet the feel of her lips intertwined with mine began to draw me to that euphoria that I only experience with her.

“Move in with me.” The request was met with the shaking of her head and an endearing peck to simmer down yet another slightly disappointing blow to a question I’ve been asking since the proposal.

“Move in with me.” The more my hands roamed, the more she shuttered to my touch. Her eyes clenched tightly at the unintentional rolling of my hips. Maybe it was intention. Okay, it was.

“Please.”

“No.” A kiss to my forehead was followed by a kiss on the very tip of my nose. Kisses all over my face are my alarm clock when we’re in bed without responsibilities awaiting us.

“Well let me get you an apartment.”

“No.” With my arm locked around her waist, I used enough weight to flip us over and the wince that followed halted every action that I wanted to follow. “My bad. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s just sore. I’m cool.” My kisses were geared towards her shoulder and they remained there as we basked in a much needed silence after the pressures of the morning and early afternoon.  

“Why are you so stubborn?” Her laughter and the playful rolling of my eyes had my attention, but the manner in which she wrapped her thighs around my waist distracted my thoughts from the conversation which was her intention in the first place. She claims it’ll make sense to move in together once we’re officially heading out West and it’ll be a fresh start in our new home as man and wife, but who cares about all of that? It’ll still be a fresh start either way.

“Autumn, are you…” The door swung up with no knock or regard and a nearly mortified Lauren is what we were met with. Her eyes bulged open as far as they were capable of going and her lips fell apart to deepen the expression. Though rendered to speechlessness, the amusement arising within her facial expression was noticeable. I may even be able to chuckle at this. Had we been without the layers covering more than just our intimate portions, not so much.

“Never mind, sorry for interrupting.” As swiftly as she opened the door is as swiftly as it closed behind her. Autumn’s lack of amusement is what worsened my own. In our maneuvering to get off of the floor, I could hear the snide remark she made about her sister-in-law’s supposedly intentional barging in. No matter how many times I ask her about it, I still don’t understand what their underlying issues stems from.

“I’m going to head downstairs before Lauren snitches on me.”

“Why would she do that? I think you have it out for her for no reason baby.” Her eyebrow flew up while she eyed me and I just about shrunk under that all too familiar expression of disdain. I pity anyone who has to stand under the scrutiny of she and her mother doing it simultaneously.

“Because she’s always in my business and I don’t know why. I don’t ask her anything about hers, but she could not keep her nose out of my mine when I was going through everything I was going through with that man. Though she did it with the guise of being family, I still think it was for the sake of her own entertainment. Because she felt like she saved Isaac from himself and his demons, she probably figured she could save me from my own. It’s that plus that goody two shoes nature about her. Like just now for example. Girl, you’re pregnant. You stood there staring at us in shock though we’re fully clothed, meanwhile you’re walking around with a gut full of human which is pure evidence that my brother has been blowing your back out nightly. Is anyone staring at her mortified about it?”

“Why are you making it so deep?” The aggravation in her tone was hilarious. I don’t even think she dislikes Lauren. They’re polar opposites and it is that aspect of their dynamic that Autumn clings to as a means to force a dislike that isn’t there.

“It’s not just that. She picks and chooses when to stay her lane and I don’t like that either. That’s how all of those churchy chicks act.” My refusal to stop laughing earned a light mush to my head. If anyone else heard what she just explained, they’d be laughing too. “I’ll be downstairs. You’re going to stay in here and watch TV?”

“Yeah. I’ll probably take a nap too. I’ll be down later. Are you going to be nice to your sister?”

“Dante.”

“Be nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

“And apologize to your brother.”

“I will.”

I knew she will because she valued his speech he dedicated to her at the birthday dinner. Complete healing won’t happen over night, but thus far, they’re in a much better place and communicate more often than they were before. From what she’s been telling me, since then, they even gel better at work. If I can be apart of salvaging the relationship between those two than so be it. With the loss of Shane, they need one another more than they realize it.

I can’t remember the last time I had a slight hang over and I know for sure I’ve never experienced one on Thanksgiving Eve and yet I’ve just thrown back two Motrin out of a bottle I found in Autumn’s medicine drawer and I’m silently praying that they do the job. The nap I took was only a reset for what was to come. After peaking my head into the kitchen and being yelled at by every single woman occupying it, I quickly learned that there is a system to the holidays and I had to get in line or have my head ripped off. While the women do the cooking, the men stay out their way and hang downstairs in Silas’ man cave. Good ol’ soul music, cigars, beers, and rounds of card games is the tradition and I quickly earned a spot at the table. The mix of the older and younger men wasn’t a clash but instead, turned out to be great conversation and lessons that I can’t learn from anywhere else. Whether it was politics, sports, cars, life, and the women we’re all in love with, we shared back and forth banter, laughter, and advice that I’ll never forget. It just about felt like moments that I’ve occasionally witnessed on a television show, but better. Had Lillian not chased us all to bed as the sun began to creep up into the sky, I’m almost sure we would have all still been down there laughing and jokingly yelling about the card games.

“Did you get any sleep at all?” We spoke briefly while I was on my way up here to come to bed but I never felt her join me at any particular point. Because she’s often times a night owl and will creep out of the bed in the middle of the night due to restlessness, I’ve gotten accustom to sensing when she’s not there. The last I remember seeing her is when I was on my way upstairs to get in the bed and she told me she’d be up after she finished putting icing on a cake. That never happened. Even when I woke up, she wasn’t here.

“I fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. I did it on purpose. If I would have gotten in the bed, I probably would have fell into a deep sleep so I laid across the couch so that I could wake up in time to watch the Macy’s parade. Shane and I would watch it every year.” I looked on as she applied some type of make up product under her eyes, down the bridge of her nose, in-between her nose and upper lip, and then right on her lower chin.

“What is that?” I have absolutely nothing against make up. If it’s something that she or any woman wants to wear than so be it. She’s stunning with or without it. I’ve just never watched her put it on and the process seems like one hell of a task. I barely like to shave on my own.

“Concealer. I’m sleep deprived and I certainly look like I am, so this is going to help that. It’s the cure. All you need to do is use some concealer and it’ll brighten things up while getting rid of any signs of exhaustion.”

“You went to sleep after everyone else did, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did. Maybe an hour or two later. I couldn’t really sleep anyway.”

“Are you okay?” As she patted away at her face, her words continued to nonchalantly flow from her glossed lips. Though her tone wasn’t insulting or dismissive, it lacked the normal enthusiasm she has when we speak. While slouching forward so that she could get a good look at herself in the mirror, she paused and thought about an answer.

“Yeah.”

“I’m really appreciative of you inviting me to come and hang out here for Thanksgiving. Usually I kick it at home and Stacey will bring me a plate whether she cooked at home or is having dinner at someone’s house. It’s not that I don’t understand the concept of spending time with family, but I really got a different experience hanging around your dad, Isaac, your uncles, and your cousins Eric and Austin. We had a blast, honestly.” Our eyes briefly met as she patted various places on her face over and over again with some kind of an egg shaped sponge. The smile that I’d been seeking out for about an hour or so finally arose on her face.

“Did you think I was going to leave you home by yourself? If you didn’t come here, I was going to come to you. I’m glad that you enjoyed yourself though. No one should be alone on days that are all about family. I don’t think anyone should be alone at all, but especially not on days like this. Despite our personalities and ways of life, we all need people. I am your family now which then means that my family is yours. So, you belong here just like anyone else does.”

“I think it’s going to be awesome when we’re able to host holiday gatherings in our home.”

“We have to do it in London sometimes. I’d love that so much. I know Thanksgiving may not be a traditional holiday there, but Christmas is. I love being at your London place.”

“We can do that. If you love it there so much, we can spend time there more often. There isn’t anything I can do here that I can’t do at the London office.”

“I’d love that. It feels like a getaway and yet still feels like I’m at home. It’s rare for me to feel that way. I certainly didn’t experience that in Miami. I always felt like I was out of place…and in the long run, I guess I found out that I was.”

“You weren’t out of place. He was. You were trying to build a home and he was bullshitting.”

“Yeah, but I was in the wrong for even trying to in the first place. I had all the signs that he didn’t want it and ignored them for the sake of my emotions and selfish needs. I have to take some responsibility. We both screwed up, just in different ways. I have a lot to learn when it comes to the whole wife thing. Bare with me.”

“You really don’t give yourself enough credit. I don’t have to bare with anything. If anyone’s lucky here, it’s me.”

“Lucky huh?”  

“I am. I’m a very lucky man.” Though I opted for a simple beige colored Ralph Lauren sweater and blue cargo slacks, Autumn decided to be as glamorous as she usually is for the indoor festivities. She didn’t let being in the comfort of her home stop her from donning a short Fendi navy blue wool dress that not only looked amazing on her, but also had this youthful look to it that compliment her young face. The baby blue boots she paired with it were eye catching as they hugged on her thighs. Though loud in color, they worked and still fit in with the fall season. I’m not quite sure how she’s making them work, but it’s Autumn and I’ve learned that she can pull off anything she wants.

“You look amazing.”

“Thank you. You do too. Can we stay at your place tonight?”

“For what?”

“Because your hands off approach while here isn’t going to work for me much longer. I’m deprived.” My laughter was loud enough for anyone to hear if they were walking by. She’s not the only one. I had to give myself a mental pat on the back for the restraint I had while on that floor yesterday. The temptation was a bitch.

“Deprived? It’s only been, what, a few hours over twenty four? We were all over the shower yesterday morning.”

“We could have been all over the shower a little while ago too.”

“We’re at your parents’ house.”

“There’s always the car.” As she placed her make up brush down, she turned to face me. The knots already forming in the pit of my stomach intensified at the sight of her legs crossing. “Maybe a little backseat action?”

“That’s what you want?” Though she wasn’t within reach for my hand to reach her, I still learned forward and that alone made her flinch. It’s exactly what I wanted. She couldn’t be the only one teasing in this room.

“I don’t care where it happens. Just make it happen.”

“I got you.”

“Okay.”

She took an additional ten minutes on her make up and joined me towards the edge of the bed for selfies to send to Heather who was already sharing her own from Miami. It was the first year she was having her parents and in laws come together for a holiday with her being the host. Had she not done it that way, Autumn assured me that she would have made her way over here after having dinner with her family and then she’d go over to the Daniels household for leftovers the very next day. Her life in Miami changed that  but much like everyone and everything else, adjustments are being made to bring those traditions back and to create some new ones.

I didn’t expect more people to be joining us, but Autumn’s godmother and her family arrived to fill up the few spaces left at the dining room table. Overnight, Autumn changed the whole entire ambiance of the dining room to reflect the spirit and color scale of the holiday. The way she’d done it reminded me of the shows my mother enjoys on HGTV. The floral arrangements and satin cloth made it look like something out of a catalog and yet the names on the placement cards and the messages inside of them maintained the personal aspect of it. Her attention to detail is absurdly incredible.

The food, my God, the food. They’d made enough to fill the entire table plus an additional table on the other side of the room. There were desserts that haven’t even made it out of the kitchen. Though Lillian lead grace, the most endearing part about it is everyone going around the room and announcing what they’re thankful for. Though I know everyone at the table believes in God’s blessings, but if someone didn’t, I know they would have felt something right then and there. In hearing the way they included Shane and gave thanks for his life, though it was taken away from them, an outsider would have understand what faith is and how meaningful it will always be.

In being apart of this, I cannot allow my children to have anything less. I refuse to be the reason that negativity affects their emotional growth by not exposing them to what a healthy family is and what that type of dynamic is supposed to function like. While nothing is ever perfect and everything has it’s issues and faults, the capability to come to together and make sure the ship keeps sailing is what matters most. I need them to understand what it means to have a network of people who you can depend on and share your life with. In understanding what family is, they’ll know to only befriend people who makes them feel just as accepted, appreciated, and loved. I want the photo albums filled with holiday memories and the stories we’ll reminisce on while sitting around a fireplace. I want there to come a day when my grandchildren are running around our home on a day like this while Autumn and I are blamed for them being spoiled rotten. I want this not only for me, but for my friends who are my family and the people I am closest too. How this feels is not only important but it’s an essential to life. Whether the relationship I have with my parents and my brother heals in an impactful way or not, I have to heal on my own for the sake of my well being and the family that I’m soon to have. I can’t have any of this without it.

“Lillian, you’re finally joining me in the grandma club. I’m elated about it.” Larissa reached over for Lauren’s belly and softly ran her hand over it’s slightly budding surface. She and Issac’s baby has been a hot topic around the table and the joys of all of the festivities that comes before a childbirth have been shared in ideas that will eventually come to fruition. Though it didn’t feel like being in a hot seat, a number of questions came my way though most were professional related more so than person, aside from one or two questions about my upbringing. There was only person in the room who hadn’t opened their mouth once throughout the entire dinner and it was Autumn. There were instances when I’d observe her closely listening to whoever had something to share and then there were moments when the egg shell colored wall seemed to draw her in more than anyone else. Though she opted out of dessert, she exercised curtesy and waited for me to finish mine so that I wouldn’t be at the table without her.

“What’s bothering you?” A cool wind gusted through the crisp Thanksgiving air and swarmed our slightly shivering bodies as I did my best to mesh us together for the sake of sharing warmth. Though the weather isn’t brutal, it’s certainly chilly enough for light coats and neither one of us opted to put one on when walking out of the door. She’d been out here first, standing to the left side of the door post and taking in some much needed fresh air. Me? After looking for her upstairs, my next bet was to seek her outside.

“I just miss him.” Her shoulders sunk in the midst of my embrace and I caught a glimpse of the grimace adorning her face as she glanced upward. Luminous stars emerged amid the ocean of blackness occupying the skies in a complimentary manner for the half moon that cascaded its faint rays upon our frames.  The beauty of it held our attention.“I don’t question God’s decisions. Even when I was going through hell, I took it as a so be it type of thing. But Shane? I don’t understand that decision and though it is not for me to understand, I try to everyday.”

“I don’t believe Shane would want you feeling like this.”

“I know. If he were here right now, he would have told me to get over myself while stuffing his face with banana pudding. Sometimes I just want to talk to him. I miss that more than anything else.”

“I understand.” I think of my uncle Harry in the same manner that she does her brother. Though I am relieved that he is no longer dealing with the suffering that ultimately lead to his death, I do feel a void without him. Both Autumn and I have lost the relatives who felt like mentors and great friends more than anything else.

“Did you enjoy dinner?”

“Excuse my language but you and your mom can cook y'all asses off.” Light giggles followed the more than deserved compliment. I’m already contemplating what I’m going to have when I go for seconds.

“Thank you. I’m tired after all of that. Once I take a shower, I know I’m going to sleep damn good.”

“Yeah, you need it. How about you go start that shower and I come up and tuck you in?”

“Tuck me in? Sounds like you’re not going to bed any time soon.”

“I have to meet up with Mike about something important. I won’t be long. You know he’s not that far from here.”

“Okay. Well go ahead and do that. You don’t have to wait around for me to get into the shower but I have some cleaning to do before that happens. I’ll be up when you get back.”

“And then we’ll do hot chocolate and a movie?” We’ve done that a number of times since the fall weather has trickled in and it’s always a nice and quiet evening for the two of us.

“With some pie. Sounds like a plan.”

“It’s a date then.” Her supple lips gently pressed into my own for an endearing kiss.

“It’s a date.”

The sound of the Spalding ball thrashing against the acrylic surfacing served as music to my ears and eventually glee within my form as the ball went swooshing through the hoop as I landed yet another shot from the three point line. Despite the time, I had no fear of an issue happening while I tossed around a ball in this upscale park. We’ve come out here to play a number of times and I don’t believe I’ve seen more than two or three people with some pigment to their skin. Despite the wealth gap that I am apart of, witnessing the isolation and investment people with fortunes put into making sure their children are separated from inner city kids is why I continuously donate money to organizations like the Boys and Girls Club. If these people can have nice parks, courts, and fields for their offspring, why can’t everyone else? If only people understood how many lives can be saved with the simplest task of implementing something for the youth have fun with and by showing them that you actually give a damn. I can be doing more and I will. I’m tired of hearing about blood being shed and people losing their lives before they can even began to fully live them.

“Yo.”

“Ay man.” He too was bundled up and the boots he chose to wear were a clear sign he had no intention to play basketball. I didn’t either technically, but why not shoot around and get some of the food off while I waited?

“Happy Thanksgiving HI-LIGHTER.”  

“Same to you punk ass.” We dapped and our usual embrace followed. A dap for friendship and an embrace of brotherhood.

“I need you to look at this.” He didn’t hesitate to flip the folder open and lay it into my hands. The cool air suddenly turned into a merciless frost as a frenzy of pickling sparked by my nerves eventually diminished to nothingness. The skin of my chest tightened in defense of my heart, as it thrashed against the cage of my chest, and filled my ears with its’ plea.

“I have some people in high places looking further into some other shit but the question is what are you going to do? I never question these favors and I never will. As a lawyer, I can get disbarred for this. As a brother, I need to know what the fuck are you going to do?”

“I need a favor.”

“What?” His frown intensified at the all too familiar words. “I already told you that I have people on it.”

“For Autumn. It’s important to me. Please.”

The rustling of the trees filled the air with melancholy. Our eyes spoke louder than any words could ever be.

“I know, which it is why I’ve already taken care of it. It’s going to be alright. You’ll be alright.”  

Whether that last statement will uphold as the truth or not, when it’s all said and done, I can sleep well knowing that she will be.

[hueman-blog]

Answering Personal Questions

I made a user I follow, @razzledazzlefoshazzle , answer all of these on his blog. I’m feeling guilty so I’m gonna do it too. I know none of you asked but HERE GOES MY PERSONAL INFO!!!

200: My crush’s name is: Averi 
199: I was born in: Place? Lancaster, PA, USA. Year? 1999 
198: I am really: Bored and unmotivated 
197: My cellphone company is: Apple 
196: My eye color is: Brown 
195: My shoe size is: 8-9 Women’s US 
194: My ring size is: Idk, something little 
193: My height is: 5'4" I’m little 
192: I am allergic to: Stupid people 
191: My 1st car was: Never had one 
190: My 1st job was: Cashier at California Tortilla (a fast food Mexican franchise around D.C.) 
189: Last book you read: Cradle and All 188: My bed is: My safest place, my true home, and also too empty 
187: My pet: Doesn’t do much 
186: My best friend: Is my girlfriend 
185: My favorite shampoo is: Shamu 
184: Xbox or ps3: Deck of cards 
183: Piggy banks are: Cute decoration, inefficient coin collector 
182: In my pockets: I’m in pajamas 
181: On my calendar: Work, as that’s the only thing in my life scheduled. Also a haircut within a few days 
180: Marriage is: Great for legal benefits, stupid for expensive ceremonies 
179: Spongebob can: Please end soon it turned idiotic long ago 
178: My mom: Is abusive (sorry to bring the mood down) 
177: The last three songs I bought were? Who buys songs anymore?? 
176: Last YouTube video watched: History of the World 
175: How many cousins do you have? On my dad’s side, 8. On my mom’s side, no idea 
174: Do you have any siblings? An older brother 
173: Are your parents divorced? Nope 
172: Are you taller than your mom? Probably not 
171: Do you play an instrument? Nope 
170: What did you do yesterday? Absolutely nothing just like every day

[ I Believe In ] 
169: Love at first sight: Nope 
168: Luck: Yes 
167: Fate: Nope 
166: Yourself: Not really 
165: Aliens: Yeah there’s gotta be some life out there 
164: Heaven: No 
163: Hell: No 
162: God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster? Hell yes. Be boiled for your sins 
161: Horoscopes: Nope and frankly if you do I find you uneducated 
160: Soul mates: No 
159: Ghosts: Nah 
158: Gay Marriage: Believing??? In love,??? And commitment??????? Between two people???????? Obviously! 
157: War: Never 
156: Orbs: I believe in Orbeez 
155: Magic: No it’s just science we can’t explain, or illusions we can’t see the entirety of

[ This or That ] 
154: Hugs or Kisses: Kisses 
153: Drunk or High: Music 
152: Phone or Online: Online on my phone 
151: Red heads or Black haired: Black haired 
150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes 
149: Hot or cold: Hot 
148: Summer or winter: Summer 
147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 
146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 
145: Night or Day: Night 
144: Oranges or Apples: Apples 
143: Curly or Straight hair: Straight 
142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds 
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate 
140: Mac or PC: Mac!! 
139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip Flops 
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and sweet are opposites now?? I guess sweet and poor 
137: Coke or Pepsi: Fruit Punch 
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 
135: Burried or cremated: Cremated 
134: Singing or Dancing: Singing 
133: Coach or Chanel: Money to spend on actual useful things 
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who??? 
131: Small town or Big city: Big City 
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target 
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Both suck, but I’d choose Stiller 
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure. My feet are too ticklish 
127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast USA 
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas, I don’t like being the center of attention 
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 
124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney 
123: Yankees or Red Sox: What is a sport? How do??

[ Here’s What I Think About ] 
122: War: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing 
121: George Bush: “Mr. President, what are your thoughts on Katrina?” “We’re gonna find her. And we’re gonna bring her to justice.“ 
120: Gay Marriage: Its a marriage between two people in love. Celebrate, but don’t go broke in one day 
119: The presidential election: Media and rich people control it basically, and I’d rather it be an actual democratic popular vote. Trump is a clown and should have never won 
118: Abortion: Its a woman’s right to choose. Personally I think the world is overpopulated anyway and more people should adopt rather than try to conceive 
117: MySpace: Never had one 
116: Reality TV: Scripted, not reality 
115: Parents: Good or bad, they influence your whole life because they were there at the start. Mine went bad and ruined me 
114: Back stabbers: Oh I love them- what?? They suck. No one should be betrayed like that 
113: Ebay: Never used it but it got the ball rolling for Amazon 
112: Facebook: I only use it to message/call my friends, and to see unlimited amounts of dogs 
111: Work: It’s a necessary evil 
110: My Neighbors: Quiet, the only one I met was a total bitch though 
109: Gas Prices: I don’t drive 
108: Designer Clothes: C'mon people there are way better uses for your money 
107: College: Shouldn’t be expected of teenagers 
106: Sports: Boring, overhyped, the players overpaid 
105: My family: Worthless, judgmental pricks 
104: The future: Uncertain

[ Last time I ] 
103: Hugged someone: Sunday (3 days ago), when my friend picked me up from work 
102: Last time you ate: Italian ice about 1.5 hours ago (8:15pm) 
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: A month ago 
100: Cried in front of someone: A month ago maybe?? 
99: Went to a movie theater: Many many months ago 
98: Took a vacation: A year ago 
97: Swam in a pool: Two years ago? 
96: Changed a diaper: Never 
95: Got my nails done: My 16th birthday I think (almost two years ago) 
94: Went to a wedding: Eight years ago? 
93: Broke a bone: Never 
92: Got a peircing: I was 14 and got my ears pierced (almost 4 years ago) 
91: Broke the law: Never 
90: Texted: A minute ago

[ MISC ] 
89: Who makes you laugh the most: My friend Brad. He’s so inappropriate but his jokes I cannot stop laughing at 
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Not paying bills other than Internet 
87: The last movie I saw: Coraline 
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Moving to California 
85: The thing im not looking forward to: Paying for rent in California 
84: People call me: To friends: Lys. To family: Alyssa. To my girlfriend: Lyssy. To everyone else: annoying 
83: The most difficult thing to do is: Get up out of bed every day 
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Nope I do not drive 
81: My zodiac sign is: Cancer 
80: The first person i talked to today was: My friend Jessica 
79: First time you had a crush: Preschool, this boy in my class Marshall 
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Myself 
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Yesterday, idk? 
76: Right now I am talking to: My phone in the way of typing 
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Survive hopefully. I also wanna be a flight attendant 
74: I have/will get a job: Have a job as assistant manager of an arcade 
73: Tomorrow: I’m going food shopping and seeing my annoying cousin Barbara (she has two boyfriends and they both treat her like shit. It’s not poly it’s just cheating) 
72: Today: I actually made a meal that was nice 
71: Next Summer: I’ll be living in California 
70: Next Weekend: I have to face my parents for the first time since February. I hate it 
69: I have these pets: A ball of moss named Mo 
68: The worst sound in the world: My girlfriend crying 
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: My father 
66: People that make you happy: My girlfriend Averi 
65: Last time I cried: A few weeks ago?? 
64: My friends are: Averi, Raven, Jessica 
63: My computer is: My phone 
62: My School: Is nonexistent 
61: My Car: Is also nonexistent 
60: I lose all respect for people who: Hate on others for no reason 
59: The movie I cried at was: Toy Story 3 
58: Your hair color is: Black 
57: TV shows you watch: None 
56: Favorite web site: Tumblr usually 
55: Your dream vacation: California 
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: Once I got constipated a few months ago for 48 hours. I screamed 
53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium 
52: My room is: Either super messy or super clean. Right now messy 
51: My favorite celebrity is: Jacksepticeye 
50: Where would you like to be: In my girlfriend’s arms on a beach 
49: Do you want children: Right now I don’t think I ever would but if I ever did I’d adopt 
48: Ever been in love: Yes I am now 
47: Who’s your best friend: My girl 
46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl friends 
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Sleeping 
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: AVERI 
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Stalin did 
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Nope 
41: Have you pre-named your children: I did with my ex. Never again 
40: Last person I got mad at: My grandmother 
39: I would like to move to: California 
38: I wish I was a professional: Sleeper [ My Favorites ] 
37: Candy: Swedish Fish or Nerds 
36: Vehicle: Volkswagen Beetle 
35: President: Biden 
34: State visited: California 
33: Cellphone provider: Cricket 
32: Athlete: Me, running from my responsibilities 
31: Actor: Eddie Redmayne 
30: Actress: Anna Kendrick 
29: Singer: Laura Jane Grace 
28: Band: Against Me! 
27: Clothing store: Thrift shops 
26: Grocery store: Safeway 
25: TV show: Adventure Time 
24: Movie: Wall-E 
23: Website: Pornhu- I mean Tumblr 
22: Animal: Red Panda 
21: Theme park: Disney World 
20: Holiday: Christmas 
19: Sport to watch: Extreme Chess Mega X 
18: Sport to play: How Late Can I Get Up Before Concerning My Family 
17: Magazine: :enizagaM 
16: Book: The Underneath 
15: Day of the week: Saturday 
14: Beach: Any beach 
13: Concert attended: Fall Out Boy x Paramore 
12: Thing to cook: Pasta with alfredo sauce 
11: Food: Bacon egg & cheese on a bagel 
10: Restaurant: TGI Fridays 
9: Radio station: Night Vale Community Radio 
8: Yankee candle scent: Ass 
7: Perfume: Averi’s 
6: Flower: Averi 
5: Color: Orange - the color of Averi’s voice 
4: Talk show host: John Oliver 
3: Comedian: Bo Burnham 
2: Dog breed: Corgi 
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Hell yeah I wouldn’t lie to you

[alicesyrene]

I'm buying a house! (9/13/2018)

OK, so it’s been awhile since I’ve put myself on a budget, and my credit card is paying the price.

I’ve been living in Marin County (San Francisco Bay Area) for a little over two years. I don’t pay rent, and it’s been fun exploring the city and the surrounding area, making friends through work and going to concerts and book signings, but eventually we all gotta grow up, right?

I just turned 24. 24! I wish I could put numbers in all caps, because that is an all caps moment for me. I could bold it, but I think the repetition with the exclamation point gets my point across. I know in hindsight 24 will seem young and stupid, but right now I feel old. Not old in the sense of my back hurting and my knees and hips going out, but too old to still be pretty much completely dependent on my parents. I think everyone in the Bay Area feels this to some extent. Everyone I meet either lives with several more people than is reasonable to be in a house or apartment, or still living with their parents. I can’t say I blame them. Rent is too damn high around here, unreasonably, raise-your-eyebrows-and-guffaw high, and there’s really no other way to do it. Some of those nice Silicon Valley jobs pay handsomely, but a lot of those tech people are still considered “low-income” and eligible for government assistance, even if they are pulling in $100K a year.

Long story short, I’m pulling from both the “still living with my parents” and the “too many roommates” crowd. I don’t technically live with my parents, which makes sound cool when I talk to people, but I do live with my brothers. Three brothers and me, in a two bedroom, 1 ½ bath townhouse. It’s crowded. Not only that, but we don’t pay rent because it’s not ours, it’s our grandfather’s. He’s currently shacked up with my parents at their place in Idaho, because he’s blind and can no longer speak, and his throat cancer just relapsed. We’re basically holding the fort down since he can’t live on his own anymore, but doesn’t want to give up his place. I think he plans to leave it to my parents in his will.

Basically, our situation is temporary. It’s great, because real estate in this area is, if possible, even worse than in the city, and we have a real opportunity here to get a unique experience we wouldn’t get otherwise. But it doesn’t feel like home.

Living with the boys is hard. Nobody likes to clean up after others or themselves, the chores get done at varying degrees depending on who got fed up with the filth and decided to pick up, or if our parents are visiting or we have guests over. It’s too much for me to keep up with, and on top of that somebody keeps eating all my Captain Crunch and peanut butter.

Basically I’ve had enough. I miss my mom and dad and my three grandparents living in Idaho currently, and even without rent everything here is too expensive. I work best if I’m living on my own, and that’s what I want to do, so that’s what I’m working towards.

Back to going on a budget; while living here I have been living high on the hog. Concerts, baseball games, book events, dinners and lunches with friends, dating, exploring styles in fashion and make up, FOOD. It all adds up. I’ve also taken a couple of vacations, bought some furniture and new appliances, and that’s all hurt my wallet too. I’ve still got student loans I’m paying off, and now this great big credit card bill on top of all the regular monthly bills for things like my phone and PG&E. I’m…somewhat responsible. I pay my bills each month and put the rest of my balance towards paying off my card. I’ve been doing this for about a year now, and I’m kind of in the same place as I was because I keep paying down the amount I’m spending each month. This has to end.

After having a long conversation with my mom, we decided I should move back home if it’s what I really want, but I should do it the right way. I could pay everything off and save a couple thousand to put a deposit on an apartment if I wanted to in less than a year, but then I would be paying rent every month and living on my own, but not able to save too much to put towards getting a house someday, which is the ultimate goal.

Instead, I’m going on a two year plan to pay off ALL my debt as soon as possible, and spend the rest of the time saving as much as I can to go towards a down payment for a house.

I’m not a very patient person, but the idea of having a whole fucking house to myself is so sweet I can taste it. Once the idea passed its way into my brain from my mother’s fingertips I was hooked. Sure, it’s going to take a while, but the payoff is going to be so great.

I’m starting with my budget, since I need to cut back my spending in order to pay more towards my bills each month. A balance transfer and a new line of credit is in order to cut back on the interest now gaining on my credit card. I anticipate this will be the last line of credit I open in the next couple of years. Next, I need to stop driving in or ubering to work. Miracle of all miracles, our late days at work we have to do once a week are changing, so we are starting an hour earlier and getting off an hour earlier, which means I can take the bus instead of waiting an hour and a half after work to take the ferry, or ubering or driving in. Hallelujah! Once I get back on the train of taking the bus every morning again, that should cut a significant part of spending out of my life.

Here’s how bad it is. I actually have about three months’ worth of credit on my Clipper Card right now because I’ve been skipping the bus so much on the way to work. So the first step there is to cut off the auto renewal of my commuter benefits that keeps piling on my Clipper Card instead of going in my pocket. That will be an additional $250 a month that will come on my paycheck. It will be taxed now, but at least I’ll be able to put it towards some bills.

Next is my food budget. Since I’ve been ubering in, I eat out during lunch way less since I feel so guilty about spending $20 on getting to work. It doesn’t sound like it evens out, but eating out in this neighborhood can be really expensive. Now that I’m cutting both out, we’ll see how much I save. I also eat out a lot for dinner, especially on the weekends, or if the pile of dishes is just too damn high. Pretty simple solution that will actually kill two birds with one stone: no more eating out. I’ll make a menu of what I’m going to eat every day and stick to it. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I’ll start packing my lunches more proactively, doing food prep and making sure when I make a big batch of food I’m not eating two dinners because I need to save at least half for lunch the next day. This will also force me to be more proactive about keeping the kitchen clean and the dishes to a minimum.

Right now my monthly budget for food is $200, but ideally I’d like to get it down to $100. I think once I get the saving momentum going, I’ll minimize my choices to the cheapest meals possible. We also have a lot of built up food in our pantry that is literally just sitting there. Cans of tuna, a couple boxes of tuna helper, popcorn, oatmeal, chili, beans, corn, pancake mix, canned soup, etc. It’s all perfectly good food, it just seems like nobody is ever in the mood for it. It’s all free game, and about to become part of my regular diet.

I just went shopping last night and spend about $165, which was pretty good for everything I got. The hardest part is going to be making sure the boys don’t steal any of it. They always say they will replace it, but I’ve lost quite a few gallons of milk in the last two years. I steal back whenever I can, but for some reason I’m the only one who can ever purchase things like flour, butter, sugar, oil, vinegar, baking soda or powder, essential kitchen items. Things everybody uses but doesn’t help replace. I have a plan though. My fridge in the garage is from college, and just a mini, but one people often forget about. I think I’ll start storing items in there, and bringing high profile dry food, like cereal and peanut butter, up to my room. It will require a little bit of extra work, but worth it if it gets me closer to my goal.

Next step, limit my spending on fun activities. Now, I already have tickets to see Craig Ferguson on Sunday in Napa, and Panic! At the Disco in February. I’m also flying home for Christmas and my mom’s birthday, so that ticket will be purchased very soon. Fortunately, my friend and I were talking about saving, and she has a travel credit card. If she gives me a referral, I can get approved too, and immediately start out with some points. Hopefully that will take care of some of my miles for my trip home. If not, we’re back to square one. But as far as ball games and other concert events and even weekend drinks with coworkers go, that will have to cut back to almost nonexistent. The problem with taking the bus is if I decide to go out after work I almost always have to get an uber home. I’m very tempted at this point to just delete my uber account. I also spend too much on drinks and food when I go out, when I could just as easily do something at home with a bottle of $5 Moscato. I’ll have to limit my excursions to special occasions, and even then maybe not partake, and plan ahead for transportation.

As for events, seeing if I really need to go, and then getting the cheapest tickets available. Fall Out Boy in October? No go. I saw them last year around the same time, and it was a part of the same tour. Hank Green in Santa Cruz? The tickets are already sold out, and I doubt I would get there in time for the event, since I’m working that day. I also saw him just in October of last year for John Green’s book tour. Maybe I’ll just spend that money buying the book. I would just check it out at the library, but it’s his first book and I want to be supportive.

I’m pretty good about my alcohol consumption. I’m not too big of a drinker, though I have been spending too much on wine lately. One of the perks and drawbacks of living so close to Napa is I now have a favorite winery, and I’m a member, which means I get free tastings, but it also means I paid for a full case of wine…a couple of times. I still have five or six bottles left from the last time I went back in May or June, and I don’t intend to buy anymore when I go to Napa this Sunday for Craig Ferguson. I do intend on going to get a free buzz though. I think I’ll spend the money for a bottle of wine on a T shirt at the show instead. That seems reasonable to me. Either way, I will eventually have to give up my membership status by not buying another case of wine, and switch back to Sutter Homes Moscato. I don’t think there’s any love lost there, just another average of $300 a year I’ll be saving.

This is my starting plan. I’m sure I’ll find more ways to save money as the months go on, but for now I’m excited to start this project and see it to completion. I think keeping this blog type will help me stay on track, and keep me motivated and excited for this long haul. I can’t wait to celebrate the day I’m debt free, and then the day I can start actually shopping for houses.

Let’s do it!