#I woke up and was like ‘hmmm that was too specific’ and checked my phone cause ig I thought it was real

[jamandjazz]

Had a dream that I was in a literal WSMS group chat, we didn’t text in it and the dream didn’t mention it again but I saw my phone and knew it was in there

[somesuperherowrites]

For Him

spencer reid x fem!reader

summary: The team is working a case when things start to go awry. After Spencer and reader get kidnapped, some feelings come to light that will change the way they look at each other. 

tw: typical criminal minds stuff - kidnapping, mentions of murder

.......

It was a blistering day in Fort Worth, Texas. The team had just landed to investigate a serial killer who was abducting couples and holding them for days before eventually killing them. Hotch started giving out orders as the team began walking from the airplane to the SUVs waiting for them. 

“Y/N, Spencer. You go to visit the most recent crime scene. See if you can find anything the local PD missed.” 

You nodded and looked toward Spencer who was already smiling your way. You stuck your tongue out playfully at him. He stifled a laugh as Hotch continued to give assignments to the rest of the team. As soon as he finished, the team split up to their own SUVs, with you, Spencer, J.J. and Emily piling into one. 

It was a short ride to the first crime scene where Emily dropped you both off before her and J.J. headed to the M.E.’s office. You walked to the police tape and Spencer held it up, so you could easily duck under it. 

You entered the house with Spencer following closely behind you. You crossed your hands over your chest. “First impressions?”  

“Well, C.O.D. is probably blunt force trauma. If you look at the blood spatter patterns, you can see that the woman was probably sitting here when she was beaten.” Spencer stated.

At this point, you chime in. “Yeah and he had to position the man right here. So he could see everything that the unsub was doing. Positioning may be important to this unsub.”

Spencer paused. “It’s interesting that he beats the women so severely, while the man is relatively untouched, besides the single bullet wound to the head of course.”

“So his rage is against the woman in the relationship. Not surprising. There are a lot of guys out there with hatred toward women.” You half-joked.

Spencer nodded. “The only problem is that we don’t know what’s driving his anger toward these women.”

“We’ll have Garcia check if there are any recent incidents involving violence with women in relationships. I think we can omit domestic violence cases though. This kind of beating is the result of a lot of suppressed rage. Let’s see if we can catch a ride with some of the local PD back to the station.” You shot Spencer a small smile as you walked away from him to talk to a local officer. 

.......

As soon as you arrived at the police station, you and Spencer split up. You sought out Hotch to bounce some theories off him of what the crime scene could mean. Spencer quickly busied himself by calling Garcia to ask about violence toward couples excluding domestic violence cases. 

“Hotch!” you called out as you saw him walking across the precinct. 

He raised his eyebrow in response and waited for you to catch up with him. 

“It seems like all the violence is toward the woman. But the thing is, it seems staging is important to this unsub. Spence is having Pen look into cases where there is violence against couples, especially women, but omitting the domestic violence cases.” You stated.

“Good work, Y/L/N. It’s possible that the unsub is sympathetic toward the male in the relationship, which is why he kills them so quickly.” 

Your eyes light up. “You know, Hotch. He might see himself as helping these men. Since he makes the men watch before killing them, it’s possible he always wanted to do this to his significant other, but something was stopping him. This could be revenge toward the woman but a mercy kill for the man.” 

Hotch nodded. “Let’s go see what Emily and J.J. found out from the medical examiner and then give the profile.” 

Emily confirmed that C.O.D. was blunt force trauma for the female victim and gun shot wound for the male victim. Hotch shared your preliminary profile with the team, who added some more possibilities to the mix. Just as the team was finishing up the profile, Garcia called Morgan’s phone. 

“Whatcha got baby girl?” Derek asked.

“Well my hunky crimefighter, I am coming up with nada. That is a big ole zilch. There is nothing here with violence against couples that isn’t domestic abuse. If you could give me some more parameters, I might have more luck?” Garcia quickly stated. 

“Okay, try men whose girlfriends or wives have left them recently.” You started.

Spencer chimed in, “they might have left because of a specific incident that revealed to them the unsub’s true nature.”

“Also, look at any cases that have ended violently, with one of the couple in the hospital,” Derek added. 

“You all are wonderful. Just WONDERFUL. I am working on it know. Hit you back when I have something. Garcia out.” Penelop stated, already typing away.

“J.J. and Rossi, you stay here, we’re going to give the profile to the local PD. Emily and Derek, you go talk with the recent female victim’s family. Spencer and Y/N, go talk with the male victim’s family.” Hotch stated.

The team looked at each other for a second before breaking to do their respective duties.  

.......

You and Spencer finished talking to the victim’s family and headed out the door of their house. You sighed as you looked at Spencer. “Better call Hotch.” 

“Hotchner.” 

“Yeah Hotch, we just finished up with the victim’s family. They don’t know anything. They say that the couple was happy. Nothing to report on this end...” You started your report just as you got an oncoming call from Garcia, “Um, hold up Hotch. Garcia’s calling.” 

You added Garcia to the call, “Garcia, you have me, Spencer, and Hotch.” 

“Okay my lovely doves, I found information on a Jacob Waterson. 28 year-old white male. Recently seperated from his wife after an incident.” Garcia started.

“What was the incident Garcia?” Spencer asked.

“Ah ah ah, I’m just about to tell you! Stop stealing my thunder.” Penelope scolded, “When the couple was walking back home from a date, gang members approached them. In strange fashion, they let the woman flee, but beat Jacob to a pulp. Put him in the hospital for 2 weeks.” 

“Did the woman call for help after she ran away.” Hotch questioned.

 “Hmmm, yes... it looks like she reported it a day later to the police. Said she was too scared the day it happened. Someone who was walking by the alley later that night found him.”

“Hence his rage toward women in relationships,” you stated.

“Y/N and Spencer are closer to his home. I’m sending you his address now.” 

Your phone dinged with a notification, “I got it Garcia. We’re on our way.” You put the SUVs’ lights on and turned the car toward the address. 

“Be careful. I’m sending Morgan and J.J. for backup. Rossi, Emily, and I will check out his work address,” Hotch stated. 

....... 

You made your way out of the car and hesitantly placed your hand on your holstered gun. 

“I’ll knock on the front entrance, and you go to the back. Sound good?” You asked.

Spencer hesitated before he agreed with you. “Just be careful, okay?”

You gave him a small smile, “always brainiac.” 

He gave you an awkward pat on the back before he headed behind the house pulling his gun out of its holster. 

You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at Spencer’s awkwardness. He had to know by now that you liked him more than an awkward pat on the back, right?

“Ughh, focus Y/N,” you whisper to yourself as you pull out your own gun. You approach the house and harshly knock on the door. 

“Jacob Waterson, this is the F.B.I. Open the door.” You shouted. After a few seconds of no response, you kicked in the door. 

You cleared the first room and started the second room. As you walked into the second room, you were hit with a blunt object. You fell to the ground and struggled to maintain your grip on your gun. You fired off a shot at the unsub, but you were too disoriented to see if you had actually hit him before he hit you again and you passed out.

After hearing a gunshot, Spencer hurriedly cleared the rooms closest to him before heading toward the room where he heard the shot go off. He immediately saw you on the floor, but cleared the room before approaching you. While he was checking your pulse, he heard a shuffle behind him and turned just in time to be hit by the end of a bat. 

........

You woke up disoriented. After blinking a few times, your vision settled and you tried to move. When you were unable to move your hands, you looked down to see your wrists had been tied together with some rope. 

You looked around the room to take note of your surroundings. Spencer was still unconscious across the room from you. There was no light or windows. Must be a basement. However, the structure doesn’t look like it belonged with the house that you had stormed earlier. You furrowed your brows in confusion. Secondary location?

The unsub wasn’t in the room with you, but there was no telling when he would come back. “Spence!” you whisper shouted. “Spence, I need you to wake up.”

Spencer drowsily came to and blinked his eyes. You smiled as he immediately looked toward the location your voice was coming from. “Spencer, hey.” You were relieved he wasn’t hit too hard by the unsub. 

“Where are we?” His scratchy voice was music to your ears. 

You sighed as you pulled at your restraints. “I’m not sure Spence. I’m thinking secondary location. This basement doesn’t look like it would connect to his house. What do you think?”

He cleared his throat. “What I think is that this unsub is extremely dangerous and is especially violent toward women. Y/N, you need to be careful.”

“Why don’t you stop worrying about me and work on finding us a way out of here, brainiac.” 

Spencer smiled at the nickname you had given him lovingly. He looked toward the ground as he continued talking, not able to meet your gaze, “I just need you to be safe, okay?”

You stopped fiddling with your restraints and looked up at him. “You say that like you care about me, Spence.”

His cheeks turned crimson in a matter of seconds, “I do.. I do care about you Y/N,” he murmers lowly. 

You tilt your head and look at him curiously. You had liked, as in really liked Reid for a while, but before you can interogate him about what exactly he means, you hear footsteps on the floor above you.

Jacob descended the stairs with a baseball bat in hand. He stared at you as he stalked toward you. He eyed you as if he were challenging you, and despite Spencer’s previous warning, you returned his harsh glare unwaveringly. 

“Oh, we’ve got a fiesty one. Huh?” Jacob sneered at you. 

You heard Spencer sigh from across the room and let out a soft, “Y/N, don’t do it.”

You swallowed your pride and broke the staring contest between you and the unsub. The unsub chuckled at your response to Spencer’s words. He looked between you and Spencer before his gaze ultimately landed on Spencer. “I see.” He began walking toward Spencer. “the way to get to you - ” he stated as he pointed his bat at you “is through him.” 

The unsub swung his bat at Spencer and you heard a sickening crunch. God, you couldn’t just sit here and listen to this.

Before you knew it, the words were coming out of your mouth - “Stop! You want to know why you are the way you are - why you kill couples?” - you blurted out to stop him from advancing on Spencer.

You could take it - the unsub’s pain and anger. In your eyes, Spencer needed protecting. He didn’t need to be subject to the unsub’s rage. Especially since he had been through enough to last a lifetime already.

Spencer watched with horror as the unsub turned his attention to you. “Y/N, what are you doing?”

You ignored him and focused your attention on the unsub who was stalking toward you. His large hand wrapped around your throat.

“Oh, please tell me.” He said sarcastically as he applied pressure.

You began gasping for air and struggled to talk. “You kill couples... because... of your wife.”

This seemed to pique his interest as he abruptly go of your throat. You fell to the ground coughing as you tried to breath.

You faintly heard Spencer calling your name and pleading with you to stop talking. You squeezed your eyes shut for a second. If you were going to do this, you had to ignore Spencer.

The unsub tapped you with the baseball bat he held in his left hand. “You think you know so much? Kept talking.” He wrapped his other hand in your hair and yanked until you were standing up. “But it might cost you.”

Spencer pleaded with you once more. “Y/N. The team will find us. Please stop talking. You don’t have to do this.” With every statement he mumbled faster tripping over his words - his tell that he was nervous. You could practically hear the desperation in his voice.

The unsub looked toward Spencer. “If you don’t shut up, I’ll make you.”

You panicked as Spencer kept talking so that the unsub’s attention wasn’t on you. You had to get the focus back on you.

“Your wife ran away and left you to die when you were approached by gang members. You’ve been kidnapping couples, because you want to see if true love exists. Will someone die for their significant other?” You practically shouted to the unsub.

He cocked his eyebrow and pursed his lips. “Go on.”

You took a deep breath. This was for Spencer. You had to say something that would really get him riled up. “The truth is your wife lied to you. She never loved you.”

Anger flashed in the unsub’s eyes, and he hit you in the stomach with the butt of the bat. You grunted as he reared back for a second hit.

“You’re lyin’. She loved me.” He swung the bat this time at your mid section. You doubled over as pain immediately blossomed in your side. The sickening crunch that had accompanied the hit was definitely a sign of a few broken ribs.

“She didn’t Jacob. If she did, she would have been willing to die for you. That’s why you killed all these couples. When they’re willing to die for their partners, it just shows you what you never had.”

The unsub threw his bat across the room and punched you in your face. Your head lurched left at the strength of his hit, and he quickly followed it with another hit, effectively knocking you the ground. Because your hands were restrained, you couldn’t catch yourself from falling and your shoulder took the brunt of the fall. A loud pop followed by searing pain in your shoulder let you know that your shoulder was dislocated. A pained groan left your lips. 

You knew you couldn’t keep doing this, but one look toward Spencer desperately trying to maneuver his restraints off his wrists quieted any reservations or weakness that you had. You were doing the right thing. You were doing this for Spencer. Your resolution hardened and you looked the unsub in the eye as he towered over you.

“The problem, Jacob, is the fact that you couldn’t have picked a better pair of FBI agents to kidnap.” 

He snarled at you and gave you a swift kick to the side, “What do ya mean?”

You took a shuddering breath. “Well, you want to prove that people won’t die for their partners, and I would gladly die for him,” you said nodding over to Spencer, “because, I love him.” You squeezed your eyes closed to help block some of the oncoming pain that the unsub was no doubt going to inflict upon you based on your confession.

Spencer look wide-eyed at you after your confession. The unsub was standing between the two of you, and Spencer tilted his head to try and get a better look at you. He had to mouth the words. He had to yell it from the rooftops. He had to do something, anything. You had to know that he loved you too. Spencer let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he saw you physically shift, no doubt preparing yourself for the unsub’s attack. 

Jacob was seething with rage at you. “You lyin’ bitch. You don’t love him.” He landed a series of swift kicks to you stomach. Everytime a hit landed, you felt your entire body cry out in pain. 

“Y/N! Y/N! Look at me. I love you. I love you!” Spencer continue to plead with you to hang in there. He was helpless as he watched the unsub kick you around like a rag doll. He wanted you to know that he was here with you. He wanted to hold your hand and assure you that everything was going to be okay. Tears began falling down his face. 

You heard Spencer faintly shout your name, but all of your concentration was going to the pain that your body was in. You eyes were already swelling from the impact of his earlier hits, and it took all your remaining energy to look at Spencer through the slit of one of your eyes and give him a small smile. You passed out as the unsub continued his relentless attack against you. 

Just after you lost consciousness and your body went completely limp, Spencer heard the sirens. The team was coming. 

The unsub frowned as he kicked your body out of the way and grabbed Spencer. He reached for the gun that he had taken from Spencer when he kidnapped you both and held up it to Spencer’s head as the team kicked in the door. 

Hotch slowly walked down the stairs into the basement with his gun drawn. “Jacob Waterson. Put the gun down.”

Jacob tightened his grip around the gun. “I’m not goin’ back to prison.” 

J.J. walked down quickly after Hotch. “We can talk about that. But right now I need you to put the gun down.”

The unsub thought for a moment before he pushed Spencer away and dropped the gun. Hotch ran toward the unsub and starting reading him his rights as he was cuffing him, while J.J. ran towards Spencer. Jacob had a cocky smirk on his face as he looked toward J.J. and Spencer on the floor. “It’s alright. I’ll go to prison, but at least I’m still livin’.” He gave a pointed look to your limp body on the other side of the room. 

Derek rushed over to your side as J.J. undid Spencer’s restraints. He quickly checked your pulse - it was thready, but still there. “I need a medic! Agent down!” 

Spencer leaned against J.J.’s side as she brought him over to where you were laying. He cried at the sight of you. Bruises were forming over your face and arms. Your eyes were so swollen that there was not a chance of you opening them anytime soon. 

J.J. placed a hand over her mouth in shock at your condition. “Spence, what happened?”

Spencer felt the tears rush down his face as the medics placed your body on the stretcher and raced back up the stairs. “She did it for me. She said she loved me.” 

J.J. wrapped her arms around Spencer. “This isn’t your fault - what happened to Y/N is not your fault, okay?”

Spencer looked at her with pain in his eyes, “It should have been me, J.J.”

She just hugged him tighter. “Don’t say that. Now c’mon. Let’s go to the hospital and make sure our girl is okay. Okay?”

Spencer nodded aimlessly as J.J. helped him up into the ambulance. Only one thought was running through his mind as he stared at your broken body laying in the ambulance - it should have been him. 

[cyi-can-you-imagine]

Starved (part 2)

This is an older fic I am completely rewriting. Changing the title and events. If you read this before, the story has changed and the outcome is different.

General Warnings: wincest, eating disorder, hurt!sam, protective!dean, kidnapping, starvation, PTSD, abusive!john, recovery,

Chapter Warnings: abusive!John, poisoning, angst

(chapter 2) Gone

Dean woke up naked on the floor, towel wrapped around his feet. He winced as he got up to look in the mirror. He couldn’t believe his dad hit him like that. Sure, he’d been hit plenty of times before. His dad had always been a physical man. A slap across the face when they mouthed off. Spanking them with a belt when they misbehaved. But this was a rage fueled punch that had knocked him out. There was a cut under his left eye and blood on his face and his eye was swollen. He gently touched it and winced again. He washed his face and although the cut was barely visible, he was left with a nice shiner. His dad sure knew how to punch.

Dad.

Sam.

Sammy!

Dean threw on a pair of jeans and ran towards the door. As he opened it, his dad appeared in the doorway. Dean instinctively raised his arm to block his face and took two steps back.

“Yeah, back up Dean, you aren’t going anywhere. I’m taking Sam outta here. And you’re gonna stay here. You will not follow us, you will not look for us. Understand? You will not find us. You will never see Sam again!”

John forced his older son into the room, closing the door behind him.

Dean backed up until he hit the wall. In this moment, he was terrified of his dad. John kept walking forward until he was mere inches away from his eldest son. Dean’s heart felt as if was going to burst out of his chest it was beating so fast.

“I can’t have you following me Dean. I can’t.” John’s voice was shaky.

“Where’s Sam?” Dean found his voice, but it wasn’t very strong.

“Sam’s safe. He told me everything. He told me how he’s terrified of you. How you’ve been forcing him into doing this for almost two fucking years. You’ve hurt him Dean. In more ways than one.”

Dean swallowed nervously. “You’re lying.”

“I’m afraid not Dean.” His face was so close, Dean could smell the whiskey on his breath. John was clearly drunk.

“Sam’s been lying to you, Dean. He’s scared of what you’ll do to him if he doesn’t comply.”

“I don’t believe you!” Dean held back a sob.

John ignored Dean’s cries. “Remember the witch we killed two months ago?”

Dean momentarily stopped breathing.

“No. Dad. Please.” His eyes grew wide.

John pulled a syringe out of his pocket. “I don’t want to do this Dean. I don’t. But you aren’t the Dean I raised. You’ve changed. I need to protect Sam. This is the only way I know you won’t be able to follow us.”

“Dad! Please! Don’t! Just listen please, please!”

John’s practiced stealth allowed him to grab Dean’s neck before Dean could even blink.

He felt the room fade away as his oxygen was cut off. A sharp pain in the side of the neck. The drug rushing through his veins. The world falling away around him.

~~~

Dean woke up on the floor. Hid dad had left him where he dropped. His dad had tried to kill him. That witch serum was specifically designed to slowly kill the person with the poison invading the bloodstream. If it could kill a witch, it would definitely kill a human.

For whatever reason, he wasn’t dead.

He was fine.

His dad didn’t want to kill him. He just wanted a head start.

He had no idea what time it was, but it was already light outside. His dad had poisoned him late in the evening, so Dean knew he had been out of it for several hours.

He hoped he wasn’t too late. He ran outside barefoot, still wearing only jeans. His heart was pounding as his mind spun out of control.

Pleasepleasepleaseplease…

He peeked in the window of the room two doors down, but the curtains were closed. He ran to knock on the door.

“Sam! Sammy! Dad! Please! Open the door. Don’t take him away, dad, please. Sam, I love you! Dad! Please!” Dean’s knocking turned into pounding. He felt his heart tearing apart. This couldn’t be happening.

The door opened. A short, heavyset man in his boxers opened the door. His anger quickly turned to concern.

“What the hell, dude? Oh hey - are you ok? Do you need help? Oh wow, did you get attacked? Someone hit you? Should I call someone?” But Dean ignored the man’s words.

“Wait. Where’s my dad? Where’s my brother?” He shoved past the man. A bag he had never seen before sat on the freshly made bed. He spun around the room, searching for any trace of his family. There was none.

“Hey, now, you can’t just –“

“Where’s my dad!” Dean started freaking out. They were gone. Dad had taken Sammy. Gone.

“Son, I don’t know, ok? I just checked in, like an hour ago. If this was your dad’s room, he’s already gone. I’m sorry, man.”

“No!” Dean tore out of the strange man’s room and ran straight to the main office, yelling.

The man stared after him, shaking his head. “Poor kid,” he thought to himself.

Dean stormed into the main office.

“My dad! My dad checked out with my brother! He left me here!”

The clerk, who was eating a bagel and smoking a joint, casually stood up and wiped off his mouth and nodded, “Oh yes. He said you’d be checking out today. He told me to give you this.” The clerk reached under the counter and pulled out an envelope. He handed it to Dean, who took it and stared at it.

Dean started shaking. “When did they leave?’

The clerk, still chewing, thought about it for a moment. “Hmmm...I guess it was about eleven o’clock last night.  Maybe twelve. He glanced down at his watch. “So about…ten hours ago?”

“No.” Dean stumbled backward in shock.

“Yeah, I was here when he left. Double shift, I need the money. Anyway, your brother looked pretty bad. His face was all red, like he’d been crying, too.” He pointed to Dean’s face. Then his eyebrows furrowed as if suddenly realizing something. “And uh…looked kinda like that, too. Said he fell in the shower or something,”

Dean instinctively went up and touched his swollen eye. And he didn’t think before he spoke.

“He…he hit him, too?” His voice was almost a whisper. No. Not Sammy. Sammy didn’t deserve this. Dean choked back a sob.

The man behind the counter frowned as he set his bagel down, wiping his hands on his pants. “Your dad hits you often, son? I can help. I can get you safe –“ he started to reach for the phone.

Dean put up his hand. He didn’t want anyone else involved. “No. No, he doesn’t. He never did before. This…this was the first time he ever…” Dean lied. He was in too much shock. Dad had hit his Sammy.

The clerk nodded. “Still son, that’s a big shiner you’ve got. The other kid’s was…worse. I know people I can call to help…”

Dean shuddered at the clerk’s words, but merely nodded. “I’m fine. Thank you.” Everything around him seemed to disappear into the background. He knew his father was long gone.  Sammy, too.

“Ok, well,” the man hesitated, not wanting to have to kick the boy out, “Check out time is noon, but I can give you some more time if you need it. We’re not that busy right now, so....”

“Yeah. Thanks. But I think I’ll be ok. I’ll get out of here. No reason to stay anymore.” Dean nodded again and went back to his room. The clerk watched him go, still frowning. He picked up his bagel and finished it as he watched Dean slowly walk back to his room.

When Dean got inside he sat on the bed and stared at the envelope for several minutes.

Finally, he slowly opened it.

Inside was two fifty dollar bills and a letter. Dean swallowed hard and unfolded the letter.

[letsperaltiago]

you’ve stole my heart and made it your own |Jake x Amy|

Dearest, @amystiago <3

I am indeed your secret valentine 2019 and it with immense pleasure that I present to my gift: a Jake x Amy oneshot (and mood board lol) specially written for this occasion and you! “You’re a hot little piece” like 4-drink Amy would say and I’d also like to add that you’re “Cool cool cool cool cool cool”. I hope you have the loveliest Valentine’s day and like the famous Charles Boyle said: “I hope you like it, but if you don’t I will kILL MYSELF.” 

also I looked up SO MANY super cheesy baby and like father/daughter-songs in order to find a title, so it got ver very emotional but yanno anything for you, my love! 

Lots of love and hugs and happiness from me!

xx your not so secret anymore valentine

((btw Sorry for the ugly ass baby photoshop but i couldn’t help myself aha. anyways))

word count: 3.2k

FEBRUARY 14TH, 2021

If you were to ask Amy Santiago just a year ago what the best sound in the world was, she would’ve more than likely replied that it was either the rumble of her developing label maker or just pure, calm silence on a Sunday morning. In no world could she ever deny that she indeed still enjoyed these very specific sounds, yet these days there was something she loved even more. Something else.

As if on cue, a loud high-pitched wail cut through the bedroom’s until then silence. Automatically and actually on cue - it took no longer than one night of being a parent to learn it by heart - Amy turned over and away from where she’d been snuggled into her husband’s warm chest.

“Don’t get up,” a tired mumble from her husband caught her in the act, making her freeze on the spot and throw a glance over her shoulder. Just as she probably did, Jake looked tired; his head was still smushed into his pillow and allowed his messy morning-curls to dance across its white cotton cover. Though they weren’t yet open - his brain more than often awake before the rest of him - she could easily tell that her husband’s eyes were tired. Not just an ‘I hate getting up before 12 on a Sunday’-kind of tired, but more an ‘I hate getting up before 12 on a Sunday since I woke up twice during the night to check on my crying daughter’-kind of tired. There nothing, not even the exhaustion she felt, that could hold back a small smile.

“I have to. Marcy needs me.” In the midst of pushing herself off and away from the comfort of the mattress, Amy felt her husband’s familiar arms grab her waist before tumbling to a rest in his arms.

“I need you too,” his tired grumble against her ear still caused a shiver to this day. A peck, trying to convince her to stay, followed behind. In vain though it was very tempting to give in. 

“Jake-“

A heavy sigh caused his chest to push against her back, implicitly letting her know that he knew she was right. “I know… But stay in bed, okay? I’ll get her.”

Not that she wanted to object to this but before she even had the chance, it was Jake’s turn to push himself away from his spouse and roll out of bed. Amy secretly loved that their 3-month old daughter was pretty much the only thing that could get him out of bed this fast. It seemed like such a drastic contrast to the nervous Jake that one year ago had freaked out wondering if he could live up to the big role that was a father’s. Not that Amy blamed him for these specific feelings, since they rooted in something so complex and difficult as Jake’s own dad being mostly absent and a scum for most of his son’s childhood. Even considering this - history, feelings, uncertainty - she never actually doubter her husband; not for a second. From the way his eyes had both lit and teared upon in response to her announcement of the pregnancy, Amy had always been sure of one thing and this still applied today: Jake Peralta loved his daughter more than anything else in the world, and handled it with as much humbleness, patience and love as possible after only 3 months of experience. It was safe to say that Amy was beyond proud.

“Hey, Marcipan,” the sound of her husband’s cooing voice as he rounded the corner of their bed snapped Amy out of her thoughts and back into reality. In front of her, by the bassinet placed against the wall parallel to her side of the bed, Jake appeared wearing only his boxers and a ‘Die Hard’ t-shirt which was at least a size or two to big for him. He swiftly reached out to switch on a tiny night light, which sat on the wall above the little one’s bed.

“Stop calling her that,” Amy chuckled tiredly as he leaned down over the bassinet to carefully pick up the little human, before cradling her in his arms and turning back around to face his wife. Gosh, Amy would never get tired of the sight of it. Maybe also why she happened to have at least a 1000 new photos on her phone proving just this point alone. Thank goodness Terry had advised her to upgrade her amount cloud storage. “She’s gonna grow up thinking she’s an almond-confection.”

Jake had to chuckle even and shoot a though his daughter was still letting it be known that she wanted some kind of attention by whimpering in his arms, “Are you denying the fact that my daughter is sweet enough to eat?”

Rolling her eyes and shaking her head was not uncommon in the Peralta-Santiago household and so this comment would not slip by as unnoticed either. “That’s not what I meant. And your daughter? Says the guy who said, and I quote, “Before sunrise she’s your daughter” just a few days ago.”

“Hey! I thought it would be really cool to quote Mufasa, okay? He was a great dad.”

Another roll of the eyes seemed appropriate. “Worth it?”

Amy might’ve been sarcastic, but Jake totally beamed with joy at the thought of the dark 4 AM-wake last week, where he’d delivered the iconic line when his daughter had woken them up with a fuzzy sounds and small whimpers.

FLASHBACK — PREVIOUS WEEK

Amy had immediately reacted at the sound like set to autopilot. Hoping that it was just a one of daughter’s short ‘fuzzy moments’, where she’d fuzz around for a few moments before eventually falling back to sleep without further complaints, Amy decided to stay put where she was currently resting with her upper body on top of her husband’s rising and falling chest. One of his arms was protectively wrapped slouched around across her back whilst the other was stretched out to the side across the empty part of the mattress.

Silence did not ensue the fuzz though, but instead a loud wail-turned-cry. Amy loved her daughter to pieces, but exhausted could not describe what the mother felt after having woken up just an hour ago to feed.

“Jake…” The name barely came out as an actual word and more in the resemblance of an animalistic sound. Emphasising that she wished to stay where she was, Amy scooted herself in deeper into his chest.

“Hmmm…” His mumble let her know that he was definitely in deeper sleep than her.

“Marcy s’wake.” It might’ve seemed like just an obvious statement from her part, which it to some extent was, but also more importantly a hint.

“Hmm ’know.”

After another few seconds of not moving, neither of them, Amy figured she had to vocalise her intentions. “Check on her… Please…”

“Before sunrise she’s your daughter.” Jake didn’t have to open his eyes to know that this had caught his wife’s attention - fully awake or not - and definitely wasn’t pleased with the timing of his Disney-reference. The always quirky and bantering aspect of their relationship definitely hadn’t dissolved because of Marcy, but there was now a sense of time and place that needed to be considered: a pitch dark February morning at 4 AM was not an exception and Jake knew.

“Jake…” Though she wasn’t in on the joke, Amy’s mumble definitely sounded like the one of a displeased lioness, which was kinda hot to Jake but then again: time and place.

“Yeah.” Well-knowing that it was only fair that he got up for this one, very aware of all the hard mommy-hours Amy put in these days even though taking care of Marcy was very equally balanced between the two of them, Jake lazily leaned down to peck his wife’s forehead before gently slipping out from beneath her. “Show me going.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

END OF FLASHBACK

“Though I do not stand by what the quote stands for, I do not regret saying it.”

Marcy’s cries grew louder - completely drowning out everything else - letting her parents know that enough was enough. Actually so much that her cries turned in to straight up howling. Jake’s attention was immediately redirected back to his daughter, concern showing on his face as he kissed her forehead and made his way over to Amy.

“Don’t cry, baby. Daddy’s right here. You hungry?”

Having already propped herself up onto her elbow, Amy pushed away the duvet to welcome her crying daughter into her arms before carefully placing her on the mattress by her chest. “Hey now, Marce. We’re gonna settle that hungry tummy. Just give mommy a second.” Duty called and Amy skilfully pulled up her NYPD-shirt to reveal the nethermost breast before cradling the soft back of her daughter’s head in order to lead her. Behind her, she could feel the mattress dipping under the weight of her husband as he got back under their shared duvet meanwhile a fuzzy Marcy’s head was uncontrollably and unsuccessfully rummaging the area around her mother’s nipple only growing more and more angry; the crying growing more desperate.

“Marcy,” the mother softly cooed as she tried to guide her daughter to where she needed to be. “It’s right there, baby. No need to get angry.”

Jake could only scoot in close to his wife’s back, watching the scene unfold in front of him with dreamy eyes. This - the same exact thing - had happened countless time by now since a 3-month old ate a billion times a day. Yet Jake’s chest never ceased to burst every time he watched his amazing wife take her time with their little one. It seemed banal but it was truly one of his favourite things ever. Nothing or no one else could compare these days.

As a contrast as strong as night and day, the family bedroom was suddenly drenched in complete silence; cries replaced by the gentle slurps and sound of Marcy sucking. A sigh of relief and calmness coming from the very bottom of Amy’s chest seemed heavily appropriate.

“She finally found it,” chuckled Jake, placing an arm around his wife’s chest to hold her while he stroked his daughter’s feet with hands that made the tiny vessel of life seem even smaller. Some would maybe call it banal but to Jake there was nothing more amazing that this. This right here. His best friend and wife quietly breastfeeding their daughter. He still remembered the first time he experienced and felt that slight clench of bliss in his chest oh so clearly.

FLASHBACK - NOVEMBER 10TH, 2020

Overwhelmed was probably the most suiting word as Jake planted a long, tender kiss to his wife’s sweaty forehead to accompany his hand which was holding her firmly while a loud wailing engulfed the room. The wail belonged to his probably not more than 1 minute old daughter: Marcia Santiago-Peralta. The little bean he’d been talking to through Amy’s womb was now a whole, tiny, living human. She was here.

“I’m so proud of you,” his voice was strained with tears just like his eyes as he spoke those words into his wife’s forehead, meaning every syllable more than anything else he’d ever previously said. He always knew that his wife was a total badass - even before they’d started dating - but tonight was the most solid proof. No one needed to tell him that he’d never be able to do what she’d just done. “You’re amazing. I love you so much, Ames.”

Though not letting go of her hand, Jake pulled back to look down at his obviously exhausted by also glowing, always stunning teary-eyed wife and now mom. Her chest was still heaving in attempt to catch up with the breathing she’d completely lost to the last 10 hours of screaming, groaning, crying and pushing - sometimes all of those simultaneously. Not going to lie, Jake had to admit that he’d been rather emotionally unstable during those 10 hours. On the other hand he did managed to keep it inside and be over the top attentive, calm and collected on the outside for Amy’s sake.

“I love you so much too, babe,” she let go of his hand in order to reach up and cup then stroke his cheek with her trembling thumb. Her body was still in an incoherent state of both exhaustion and adrenaline rushing through her, but none of that seemed to matter anymore. Nothing else. “She’s here.”

Brighter, even brighter than when she agreed to marry him, Jake smiled and gave off a weak nod. This woman was indeed his sun and his moon, his everything, and now together they’d created a little star. The feeling seemed beyond words.

“Here she comes.” The voice immediately caused both parents’ heads to snap out of their moment and in the direction of the smiling nurse who walked towards them with their crying daughter. Looking back it seemed rather morbid, but right in that moment there was no sound more beautiful than those cries. Next thing he knew Marcia was resting stomach down on her mother’s chest. Amy’s hands immediately and instinctively wrapped theirselves around her - one supporting her bottom as the other carefully held and stroked her head - before leaving down to kiss the soft top.

“Hi, baby,” she addressed the little human calmly through the loud crying in an attempt to soothe both Marcy and herself. “No need to cry. Mommy is here and she loves you so so much.”

Jake carefully leaned down, resting a hand on his daughter’s back before carefully pecking the spot Amy had previously kissed. “Welcome, Marcy,” he sniffed, trying to compose himself before continuing to speak, ”I’m your daddy.”

Another few beats of cries, tears and loving words mingled in the room before the same nurse who’d brought them Marcy politely interrupted them. “I think it’s time for you to feed her, Amy. She’s probably hungry and it’ll also calm her down.”

Amy listened carefully, looking up at the nurse from her sitting position in her bed with attentive doe-eyes as the process was briefly explained to her. Jake’s hand was on her shoulder know, gently rubbing it as he felt his wife tense when the nurse told her to go ahead and push up her shirt. He leaned down to whisper in her ear, “Hey,” he pecked the shell reassuringly. “You’ll do fine, Ames. The worst is behind us. I’m right here.”

After randomly choosing a side and pushing up the shirt, too focused to actually vocally answer and instead just nodding, Amy carefully - as if she was handling fine china - placed their daughter horizontally against her chest and followed the nurses instruction. Marcy was still crying hysterically, squirming discontentedly when Amy cupped the back of her head, holding it still and guiding it towards the bare nipple which she was told to stabilise with her free hand. All at once it seemed overwhelming and clumsy to Amy, especially when the baby kept crying and missing the goal. But Jake could only sit in his chair, which he’d pulled as close to the bed as possible, and stare with admiration.

The need to cry definitely didn’t grow smaller. “Shh shh, Marcy. It’s okay, baby. I’m trying to help you,” Amy cooed.

Suddenly a contrasting silence engulfed the room. Wide smiles grew on both of the new parents’ faces. “Jake! She’s sucking! She got it!” Amy chuckled with relief, once again teary eyed as she snapped her head in the direction of her already looking husband.

Slowly as to not interrupt Jake reached across the edge of the bed to stroke his daughter’s head. She’d only been around for a couple of minutes but somehow Jake couldn’t get enough of her. He just wanted to touch and hold her forvever. “She’s brilliant...” Then he turned his gaze towards his wife who couldn’t stop looking down at what was happening right there in her arms.

She must’ve noticed because suddenly she tore her eyes away from her daughter to instead look at her husband. A fond silence and stare was shared between the two, lasting for who knows how long, before Jake decided to finish his sentence. “Brilliant just like her mom.”

END OF FLASHBACK

“Yeah,” Amy’s voice clearly smiled. After making sure her daughter was indeed properly installed and comfortable, the mother allowed her arm and head to lie back down onto the pillow, yet still keeping her hand on the back of the baby’s head. Her fingers, including both her engagement and wedding ring, softly stroked the soft skin and feathery, tiny hairs. A beat of a moment later Amy could feel her husband settling down behind her properly, keeping her close, and gently placing his head on top of hers. Together in silence they took in the miracle in front of them. Nothing better than this little miracle of life had ever been given to them. The quiet suckling went on, working as a calming sound machine for the tired parents whose eyelids were heavy as yet they couldn’t get themselves to close them just yet. Amy felt a press of lips against the side of her neck.

“Happy Valentine’s day. I love you so much,” followed behind, soaking into the skin of his wife’s neck in the form of a muffled promise. “Not just today, but also all the days before and all the days forever after.”

Shivers of pure love and happiness went through Amy’s entire body.

“I love you too. So very much…”

Without bothering their daughter, Amy emphasised her response by twisting her back to the side to look at Jake. Meeting her halfway, their lips met in a soft, chaste kiss that contain all the love in the world. Not only for each other, but for their daughter and family as well. When pulling back, Jake took a moment to take in his wife’s tired but nonetheless always beautiful features. His eyes reflected the light from the still switched on night light, only emphasising the stars of adoration that already shined within them.

“We’ve obviously had other priorities lately, so I haven’t had the time to plan anything this year… But if you’re up for it I’d be more than willing to work something out?” Jake spoke, carefully keeping his voice at a reasonable level. While he did love his daughter more than anything, he also loved ‘mommy and daddy-time’, which was basically only an option when their little one was either asleep or eating. Or both. It was all about seizing the little moment before it was too late.

A beat of a paused let him know that she was thinking, only to be interrupted by her daughter’s mouth slipping off her mother’s nipple. Small whimpers of frustration immediately began to grow. Luckily the mother’s hand was quick to lead her daughter back on track, silencing her once again. Amy smiled to herself in content then twisted her neck to somewhat face her husband again.

“Jake… It’s okay. I’m completely content with this. I don’t need anything else today or any day ever. This is the perfect Valentine’s day. Thank you.”

[may85]

Title: Now and Forever Pt 1

Pairing/Character: Dean x Reader

Warnings: None at the moment!

Photo/GIF credits go to the original maker/owner

The tall chrome pot filled with water was coming to a rolling bubble. It was spaghetti night, the one night where the boys finally came home to the bunker to relax from their latest travels.

I began to brown the turkey meat for the sauce, adding my special seasonings to it so that it wasn’t bland. It was really the only way for me to get Dean to even fathom the idea of ground turkey meat.

In between keeping an eye on the busy stovetop, I washed the very few dishes that were in the sink while I listened to my Spotify.

Bad Wolves cover of The Cranberries Zombie came on and I couldn’t help but belt out the words as I broke the pasta in half and put it in the water.

Towards the middle of the song, I heard the engine of Baby roaring as Dean parked her in her usual spot.

When the door opened, the boys’ chatter and bickering stopped as they inhaled.

“Spaghetti night!” they said in unison.

“It smells amazing in here Y/N!” Sam smiled, as he passed by the kitchen to go to his room.

I grinned at him, stirring the pasta. Dean had yet to say a word to me, so I tapped the spaghetti spatula on the pot and placed it on the counter.

Dean was leaning against the island when I turned around, his arms crossed and small smile on his face. His eyes were heavy lidded, looking as if he wanted to devour me right there.

“See something you like, Winchester?” I asked.

He licked his lips and nodded, “Most definitely,”

He advanced towards me, one hand going to my waist as the other rested higher up. Just as I thought he was going to kiss me, he moved me over and dipped his finger into the sauce.

I watched wide eyed as he licked the sauce off and moaned.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” he said.

I laughed, smacking his arm and turning back to the stove, “Ass!”

Dean chuckled, holding my waist as he laid small kisses on my neck, “Sorry Sweetheart. You know what a home cooked meal does to me after a week on the road with fast food.”

“Hmmm mm,” I hummed, checking the noodles, “I missed you too,”

I couldn’t keep the laughter from my voice though. Dean gave me a good squeeze, resting his mouth on my shoulder while I cooked.

I let him keep a firm grip on me for as long as I could before having to drain the noodles, “Can you get the colander, Hun?”

He took a deep breath as he let go of me, kissed my cheek and smiled, “Sure thing,”

Dean continued to help me finish dinner and set the table.

“Sammy, grub!” Dean hollered down the hall.

A general rule for the dinner table was no talking about hunting. This was our time to just let loose and not let the outside world bring us down.

The boys sipped their beers, patting their full stomachs as they slumped in the chairs.

“That was awesome, Sweetheart,” Dean said, sighing after a swig of beer.

Sam nodded, tipping his bottle at me.

“Do anything interesting while we were gone?” he asked.

I shrugged, “Not much. I found this pottery place in town. You pick a nic nac or whatever out and you paint it. Then they put it in the kiln and you pick it up once it’s done.”

“That’s it?” Dean asked.

“No, but we agreed not talk of our work at dinner,”

“Right, I forgot. Sorry Y/N,” he apologized.

I stood and collected the dirty dishes. When I picked up Dean’s, I kissed his cheek, “It’s all good. Y'all go get take showers and bring me your dirty clothes,”

“Yes Ma'am,”

Later on that evening, my phone began to play Carry On My Wayward Son, indicating a text.

I have a case for you.

I sighed. Just one night with Dean uninterrupted is all I wanted. I knew it wasn’t Jody’s fault though. I shook the negativity away and replied.

What’s up?

Her reply was fast.

Something nasty.

My brows furrowed as I typed.

I’ll tell the guys. We’ll be headed that way.

See you soon. -Jody

Trudging to the library, the guys looked up at me, worried.

“What happened?” Sam asked.

“Jody texted me.”

“Any details?” Dean asked, shutting his book.

I shook my head, “No specifics. She’ll fill us in when we get there.”

We were packed and ready to go within the hour. I sat in the back, letting the guys talk and rag on each other.

There was a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach the closer to Sioux Falls that we got, and all I could hope was that it was just me over thinking.

“Y/N!”

I jumped in my seat, “What?”

Dean’s eyes went back and forth from the road to his rear view mirror, “Talk to me Sweetheart. You’re too quiet,”

“Sorry. Just got lost in my head is all,” My smile was weak at best, but Dean and Sam let it go, thankfully.

A few hours later, we pulled into Jody’s driveway, ready for some sleep.

The front door opened, Jody in her pajamas. She hugged us as we entered and showed us our rooms.

“We’ll go over the details in the morning. You guys look beat.”

Quietly we thanked her and said goodnight. Once Dean had shut the bedroom door, he toed off his shoes and threw himself on the bed.

I was slower to move, my hand on my stomach to quell the uneasiness. I changed my clothes, fully aware of Dean watching me.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asked, his hand moving up and down my back once I sat on the bed.

I gave a tired smile, “I’m fine, Dean,”

He pursed his lips, ready to call me out on my bullshit, but decided against it when I yawned.

“C'mon, let’s get some rest, Sweetheart,”

The second that I snuggled up to him, I was out like a light.

It was the smell of bacon and light chatter that woke me up the following morning. I made sure to dress and wipe the sleep from my eyes before entering the kitchen.

Jody was at the stove cooking, telling the boys about the case while they were at the table drinking coffee and looking over a map.

“Are you sure we’re dealing with vamps?” Sam asked.

“Well, I mean, it’s coming across as vamps, but there seems to be a touch of ghoul and hell knows what else thrown into it.” Dean said.

Dean slid a cup of coffee over to me, fixed just how I like it, before even uttering a word to me.

My eyes closed, a sigh escaping me as it warmed me from the inside.

“Mornin’ Darlin’,” he said, winking at me.

“Mornin’,”

“I forgot Y/N doesn’t speak much in the mornings,” Jody picked, setting a plate in front of me.

I softly grunted my thanks and grabbed a piece of bacon.

The guys laughed, digging into their own food. We are silent for a few moments before speaking of the case. I listened carefully, reading some statements from some less than credible witnesses.

“Any surveillance footage?” I asked, flipping a page.

Jody nodded, elbowing Sam to hand her the laptop. Once she had it pulled up on the screen, she turned it towards Dean and I.

We watched as a hooded figure attacked the runaway teen, practically tearing into her neck.

We flinched at the harshness of the bite. The man then grabbed the girls limp body and began to drag her out of the frame.

The assailant’s wrist became exposed and I noticed something black on it.

I paused the video, went back a few seconds and enlarged it.

“No…” I gasped.

“Y/N?” Dean placed a hand on my shoulder, his fingers squeezing my tense muscles gently.

I looked up from the screen, taking in my family’s faces. My world had just came crashing down on me and that feeling came back tenfold.

“Th- that’s my husband…”

[cowandcalf]

A - Z Game

A – Z Tag game

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

Guys I’m seriously overwhelmed because I got tagged by five people. I still have some meme games queueing up to get done but I couldn’t wait with this one here. So thanks a million for thinking of me and wanting to get to know me better. I got tagged by the wonderful @leeloodmpwrites, by the lovely @82tweeder, by the fearless @tari-aldarion by the gorgeous @ibelieveinyou-ibelieveinus and by the wonderful @nade2308. Guys, you rock!

A – Age: Old (thank God others wrote that too!)

B – Birthplace: Switzerland

C – Current Time: 10.45 am Zurich Time, Switzerland (MET)

D – Drink You Last Had: Coffee

E – Easist Person To Talk To: I have more than one: my wife, my younger sister and my bestie Indie @indiepjones46.

F – Favorite Song: This changes frequently, but there are songs that stuck with me since my teenage days. My all time favorite is ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ by Elvis Presley. My current fave song is ‘Broken Glass’ from Mayaeni…and guess what? I watched an episode from season two Hawaii Five-O and at the end they played that song. Gosh, I googled it, downloaded it and when ever I sit down and write this song plays on repeat.

G – Grossest Memory: I’m not grossed out that easily. But yes there's this one memory. I worked as a cadet nurse (I don’t know if this is the right word) for my internship (nutritionist). During this time I had to wake up the patients and there was this room with only old men. The first thing they did after they woke up was to cough. Most of them had problems with their lungs, they were mucus-ridden. The sound they made while the slim got coughed up was gross. They spat it out into a cup and handed me the half full cup with yellow/greenish stuff at 7am and the cup felt warm in my hands. I was always at the verge to puke.

H – Horror Yes or Horror No: No. I love me some tension, but real horror is way over the top. I wouldn’t be able to sleep for days.

I – In Love? Yes!

J -  Jealous of People: Yes, of course I’m jealous of people. But I guess this needs definition? I’m jealous in a way that I wish to be able to do something specifically that the other persons are good at. And there is always someone I feel jealous of. But never in a distructuble way. I can easily admit this to the another person: "I’m so jeaous because….or I envy you for this and that" It’s normal and common to feel that way, isn’t it? It think of this as nothing bad, nothing special, it just happens.

K – Karma, do you  believe in Karma?: (The letter K vanished at some point. So I added a new question here.) I did a very long time, but now not anymore. It’s just a way to explain things we don’t understand; it is a way to look for justice where there is none sometimes. I try to just leave it be. I tend to see the world as a grain of sand in the vast, endless space of the universe. I have no fucking clue what is going on and humans can’t grasp this energy in its mighty. I don’t want to be ruled by human laws after my heart stopped beating. So, no, I don't believe in Karma.

L – Love at first sight or should I walk by again?: I believe in love at first sight, definitely a yes here. As I see it love is a force of nature. This energy is always around us and inside of us. We don’t have to build this feeling because it’s just there. I don’t talk about getting to know each other. I talk about just the feeling of love. Love has different levels and different stages of how it feels. I love a lot of people, but there is a huge difference in how deep, how much and what kind of a relationship I share with this person. I even can love my tumblr friends at first sight because they phrased a sentence in a way that pulled me in under one second flat.

M -  Middle Name: Elisabeth

N – Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister and 1 older sister.

O – One Wish: Whenever such a question is asked, there is this one wish that pops up without hesitation. So I just put it here: to live a Life around horses, to be able to ride and to read horses the way Buck Brannaman is able to do it. The yearning to understand these beautiful creatures is huge.

P – Person You Called Last: I don’t like to make phone calls. I’d rather record voice messages on WhatsApp. The last one I recorded I sent to my younger sister. So I ‘talked’t to her.

Q – Question You’re Always Asked: There are actually two questions and they are always the same: „You’re inked?“ and this: „How old are you? No, you’re lying, you can’t be that old.“ So yeah.

R – Reason To Smile: SO many things are able to make me smile: my animals, my wife, tumblr notes, funny English words, Steve McGarrett, Danny Williams, a good show, a bird, a chocolat bar, coffee, my note book, a child, the way I'm dressed….because for the love of God I can’t figure out how to have style.

S – Song You Last Sang: I can’t sing AT ALL. I love to listen to music, but singing?….forget it. I’m terrible at it and I never feel the urge to sing because I can’t find out how you keep a tone. So, no singing at all. I just remember one time, sitting on a spooked horse, on a chilly winter evening, riding alone on my way home, and my horse was skittish as hell and I started to sing; „silent night holy night“ like those four words because I don’t know anything else by heat. I sang it on end with a shaky, squeaky voice to calm us both down. It didn’t work though. LOL.

T – Time you woke Up: Sundays are an exception 6.30. Normally it's 4.30am, every day because I feed the horses at 5am. On Sundays it's my woman who gets up that early. I love mornings and the early hours before sunrise.

U – Underwear color: Black or white, nothing fancy

V – Vacation Destination: It would be Hawaii or a horse ranch somewhere in Montana USA.

W – Worst Habit: My eating habits. I eat to not feel hungry anymore. I actually don’t care sometimes what it is and I don't sit down. I eat while walking, doing stable work, reading, posting. Hmmm, and after work I’m very introverted and I don’t like to talk. I might come across very impolite and distant.

X – X-rays: Only a few and mostly during childhood. My last x-ray was taken from my teeth by the dentist to check if there is hidden caries. I was lucky.

Y – Your Favorite Food: I love Thai food and all sorts of dairy products. I love simple stuff, bread, apples, a soup, a stew. I don’t need much. But I have a sweet tooth.

Z – Zodiac Sign : Leo

Okay, I tag @laziestofthedreamers @mcdanno-love-marvey @once-upon-a-freaking-december @adz4995 @mcdannowave @cagdahl @missslothy @bgharison @vanduyn @bookemcaan-o @thekitsuneko

Feel free to skip it guys! 

[thelouisianauproar]

The Louisiana Uproar - Chapter 2

Summary: The war with the Haitian Mob ends. The collective of River Row, Irish, and Black Mob takes a risk---at Sal Marcano’s request. 

It took about a month for me to finish the organizing phase, it took less than two weeks to actually create the report. The report consisted of previous data, current profits, and the best way I could see Vito’s team make a profit from Union dues.

“I’m gonna need some time to go over, all of this.” “Take your time. I’m gonna get out of here at a decent hour.” “Look at you, kid.” He smiles. “Hot date?” “Don’t be silly, Sammy’s son is coming home from Vietnam. They are throwing a party for him.”

“Hmmm. Have fun.” “Thanks.” I press my index finger on his desk. “You can always let me know if you have other jobs for me.”  A smile slowly forms on his face. “Something tells me...I know where I can find you.” He gives me a single nod. “Thanks for this.” “I hope it’s helpful.”

I took a cab to the bar.

“Dottie. You made it.” Sammy walks up to me with a drink in his hand.

“Sammy, thank you for the invite.” We embrace in a hug. “So, where’s this boy of yours?” Sammy has had such nice things to say about his war hero of a “son”.

“Ah, Ellis is on his way to get him.” Sammy says. “Get a drink.” For the next hour, I am chatting with some old friends.

“Look who I found pan-handling!” Ellis called out. The room is nearly quiet when we realize that the young man has arrived. It doesn’t take long until everyone bursts into celebration. “Welcome home, son.” Sammy looks so proud of him.

The night progresses with drinking, and dancing. It’s just what I needed after working on those reports for Vito.

“May I take a seat here?” I ask pulling the bar stool. “You don’t have to ask.” The big man comments, with a wink.

“Welcome back. I’m Dottie.” I extend my hand. He looks at my hand before shaking it. “Lincoln.” I feel someone’s arm go around me. I look over to the right to see Ellis. “I see you met the beautiful, Dottie.” “I just did.” I smile as I receive another drink. I make a face as I take it in.

“Dottie’s been managing the money that’s coming in.” “So, this was the woman you were mentioning.” Lincoln gives me a head nod. “I was expecting you be older. The way Ellis was going on about you.”

As the night continues, so does the party. I feel myself stumble into a bigger body. “Oh, Sorry!” I look up. Lincoln’s hands find my shoulders. “Where ya going?”

“I’m drunk as a skunk.” We laugh together. “I was gonna get a ride out of here.”

“Stay.” His hands are still on my shoulders. “It’s fine.” I look past him with my bright smile. “What’s going on here?” Sammy asks patting Lincoln’s back. “Dottie’s drunk. Figured she wouldn’t mind taking my room. I’ll take the basement.” “That’s very nice of you.” I say and Lincoln turns his face back to me. “It’s settled, then.” No, no it wasn’t, but I guess it is now.

---

The next morning, I woke up to see a church truck in front of the bar.

“What’s going on?” I put my hand on Ellis’ shoulder.

“He went and paid for that food.” Ellis is steaming. I specifically spoke to Sammy and Ellis about this, we can’t afford it.

“Fuck.” Ellis looks over at me. I see Sammy heading back inside. “Ellis.” I warn him. “Remember-” He moves past me. He’s headed for his father. When I turn around, I see Lincoln. “Morning.”

“What’s going on?” He looks at me, expectantly. I don’t have enough time to explain this. I gesture to where Ellis was headed.

“We wouldn’t be in this mess if you had just listened to Dottie.” “What mess?” Lincoln pipes up. I appear at the doorway next to Lincoln. Sammy puts on a friendly face. “Nothing you need to concern yourself with.” He says. “I have it under control.”

“Under control?” Ellis starts. “You need to open your eyes, old man-” “Boy, I’m not warning you again about that mouth.” “Fine! Have it your way, old man.” Ellis says while storming out. Lincoln starts to go after him. It’s about time I head home.

“I got it.” I put my hands up. “I’ll ask him for a ride.” “Thank you, Dottie.”

---

“Dottie, there’s a man at the door for you.” Kathy, my roommate teases. “You didn’t tell us that we’d have company.” I’m instantly worried. “It’s past 9:30 at night. Did he give a name?” “Lincoln.” “Oh, thanks.” I let out a breath. I adjust myself before stepping out of my front porch. “Lincoln, I’d invite you in but my roommates aren’t decent.” “It’s fine. Look, I took care of the problem.” “What?” He leans in like I should know what that means. I do. He means the Haitians. I step closer.

“How?” “Well, me and Ellis…” He pauses.“That’s another conversation. Listen-” “Who else? Did we lose anyone?” “No, we didn’t.”  It’s taking awhile for me to piece the details together. Lincoln is trying to tell me that he single handedly took down the Haitians?

“You’re saying you ransacked the Haitians?” I whisper.

“For all intents and purposes, yes.” “Goodnight.” I can’t believe that. I refuse to believe it. “Dottie.” “You clearly need some rest, Mr. Clay.” If he is the way he says he is. He could break down my door. I don’t care. He has just come to my home, late at night, and lied to me about something that is important. I wonder if ‘Nam scrambled his brain.

---

“Hi there.” I hear a man say. “Where ya at, Paul?” I ask while still working through my papers. Paul was one of the nice white men. Vito hired him to keep me safe. He hangs out, always a small distance from my desk.

“Haitians got wiped out the other night.” “By who?” “Who knows? I guess Marcano’s boys?” That can’t be Lincoln. “So they’re...wiped out?” “I mean, a chunk of them were at the camp.” He pauses.“Man…” “Including their leader?” Baka is his name.

“Yeah, him too.” “Fuck.” I let out a breath. I feel horrified, yet, I’m relieved. Lincoln’s story checks out. After he leaves, I grab my phone.

“Ellis?”

“Hey Dottie.” He says teasing me. “Could you come get me? I get off work at 5:30.”

“Hi.” I greet him when he opens the passenger door for me.

“Everything alright? You sound like you were in a rush.” “It’s fine. I just-” I pause, I’m trying to gather my thoughts. “The Haitians-” “Oh lawd, the Haitians!” Ellis seems so excited.

“Is it true?” “Oh, it’s damn true.” He nods to me. “Soldier Boy ran through their camp in the Hollow. Killed damn near everyone.” “Oh my god.” I put my hand on my heart as Ellis pulls off. He gives me a double take. “Dot, you don’t have to feel remorse for people like them. They were stealing from the Hollow.” “Shhh. No, Ellis. I don’t.” I truly do not care if every Haitian mob member is dead. “Your brother...he came by my apartment the other night. He told me it was handled. I didn’t believe him. I’m afraid I owe him an apology.”

Ellis dropped me off at Sammy’s bar. He said that is where he last saw Lincoln.

“Mr. Clay.” I say watching him walks toward me and then past me.

“Dottie. I was just leaving.” “Could I borrow you for a moment?”

“Certainly.” “We didn’t have the best interaction and-” He stops me. “It’s okay.” “Solid, man.” “What’s going to be important is how you think that money comes back in.” “Yes, you are correct.” “Yeah.” He pats my shoulder, before leaving.

---

“You wanted to see me?” I peek my head through the door.

“I let Sammy know that I need you for a job.” He stands. “He’s in.” ���Okay.” I take a seat with him.

“I need you to find a way to set away this amount of money from the port.” He gives me a card. My heart drops. “I got something that can give you a return on investment.”

‘That’s embezzlement.” “I realize that.” Why does this amuse him? “You asked me to let you know when I have another project.” He knocks on the desk, lightly. “I need you on this.”

I feel a pit in my stomach. I don’t commit the crimes, I never have. This isn’t how I imagine my career going.

“Dottie?” Vito interrupts my thoughts. He lets out a sigh and puts his hands on my shoulders. “You wanna be like Derazio? You gotta do the tough jobs...stick your neck out.” He says. “Otherwise, kid, you’re walking in circles. You wanna walk in circles?” “Of course not.”

“You with me on this?” He leans his head down to me, just as I bring mine to look at him. “I can have it on Thursday.” “That will work.” “But first, I need to know what I stand to gain.” Vito chuckles. “If Rick notices, I will go to jail. How do I explain that?” “Believe me, I know it’s not easy. The reward will be sweet.” He says. “This could take our business to the next level, kid.” He says. “I got plans.”

---

After I took the job, I stayed in Vito’s office for many nights. He made a little desk for me, by the door of his office. The jokes about me and him having an affair are endless. It doesn’t matter to us, we would share stories and drinks. We spoke about the money---he needs it for a robbery. The star of the show is, of course, Lincoln Clay. It made me feel closer to him, but it didn’t rest my mind on the job.

“Hi there.” I greet the man who comes into Vito’s office.

“Giorgi Marcano is here for a meeting with the boss.” “Vito isn’t back, yet.”

“I’m aware. Giorgi would still like to come up and wait for him.” I don’t know about that. This is still Vito’s office. I don’t want anyone in here without his permission. I stare at the man. He goes to leave but I walk closer to the door. However, if I come out---he may think something is going on. The Marcanos never did like Vito much.

I start checking Vito’s desk for anything that should be hidden. I don’t have much time so I hide everything and take a seat at my desk. It’s not long before Giorgi joins me.

“Hi there.” I  stand.

“Hello.”

“Vito isn’t in at the moment.” I say. “Could I get you some coffee?” “That would be...great. Thank you.” He nods.

When I return, he’s sitting in front of the desk. “Thank you.” He says, “I’ve been trying to think about where I know you.”

“Oh?” That’s just great. “You hang out with Sammy’s crew.” I just give a polite smile. He pulls out his cigarettes. “Smoke?” “Sure. Thank you.” I take one and put it in my mouth. He lights it for me. “Say, what are you doing over here? I hear the black mob is in some trouble.” “I..” How do I shut this conversation down? “I was sure someone updated you. We have fixed the problems that were following us. We’re expecting the money to be flowing again.” “I did hear that.” He chuckles. “A professional, I like that.” He pauses. “So I’m going to assume that you’re in River Row because you’re working your way up.”

“I am working.” I want distance. I walk back to my desk.

“You just let me know when you’re interested in working for the Marcano’s.” What? “Really?” I pause. “Sure. We could use more hard working women such as yourself.” He looks around. “What do you do around here?” I’m not gonna do that again.

“Giorgi.” Vito says at the door. Finally. “Dot. Why don’t you go downstairs and get lunch?”

I already have, but I figure he’s excusing me from the room. I had to have waited thirty minutes to an hour for Giorgi to leave. “Vito.” I say standing by the door. He gestures for me to take my seat again. “Do you think he knows that I’m in on it?” “I didn’t tell him. Did you?”

“I didn’t.” There is a silence between us. “Are you alright, Vito?”

“I’m fine.” He says. “Where did you hide my papers?” I go into the cabinet to find them and I put them back on his desk. “I didn’t need you to do that...but ya done good, doing that.”

“He knows who I am, you know.” I say. “He mentioned that he’d seen me around with the black mob.” “Dottie.” Vito starts. “It is very hard to forget a face like the one you’ve got.”

“He asked if I wanted to work for the Marcano’s.” “I heard that---He’s blowing hot air.”

“I figured.” I walk close to him and lean against his side of the desk. “Is everything in place?” His hand finds my hip.It makes my heart jump but I don’t move. “Yeah, it is.”

“I’ll make you a drink.”

---

The night of the job, I came straight to Vito’s office. It was Mardi gras, my roommates were out partying. I was alone, drinking, with my boss and waiting to hear if I’m rich.

“Hello.” He answers the phone. In that moment, I put my hands on his hips from behind him. My heart is racing, but the conversation looks pleasant. “By god, we did it!” “Yes!” He turns to face me. We share a hug and he lifts me off my feet.

“Kid, this is a big fucking deal.”

“I can’t believe they pulled it off!” My hands find his shoulders. It takes me a moment to realize that his arms are around my waist. There is a pause and he lets go. “Do me a favor, would ya?”

“Sure.”

“When you get that money make sure you don’t buy anything crazy.” He says, “It might be tempting to go over the top.”That’s making it obvious. No expensive shit.”

“Nothing.”

Once our conversation moves outside, we’re leaned against the railing before the water.

A thought makes him chuckle. “What are you gonna do with that money?” “Start my own business.” “Yeah?” “I was thinking of buying that old whorehouse not far from here. It’s been vacant. I think I could make it a boarding house.” I shrug.

“Not bad.” “Maybe I’ll start kicking up to you in River Row.” He doesn’t react. “Launder your money.” I sound so innocent when I say it, in my lowest voice.

“Maybe.”

We watched the fireworks burst over the water of River Row. That’s right. It’s Mardi Gras, everyone is lighting fireworks. It’s a beautiful night.

“Sky’s the limit.”

“Yes.” I bump him his arm, playfully.

---

We woke the next morning, by the phone.

“Yeah. Hello?”The conversation sounds like it’s getting progressively worse. I haven’t opened my eyes, yet, and I feel anxious. “If you come at me with that, Nero, you better be damn sure. Alright.”

“What?”

“I got something to tell ya.”

My heart drops and I fall into my chair. He got around his desk and sat next to me. I rub his lap and he holds my hand.

“Hey, a fire broke out at Sammy’s bar.”

“What?”

“I’m so sorry, kid.” Vito kisses my hand. I can’t look at him. It feels as if I’ve lost control of my body. I’m shaking, my lips quiver, I can’t see through my tears. “Sammy, Ellis, Lincoln, and some other kid got killed.”

[jurikatou]

As always I’m late, but here is my gift for Asakiku Secret Santa.

[to: Taylor] Honestly, does the interviewer really have to come here in person?

[from: Taylor] For the hundredth time, yes, Mr. Kirkland.

[to: Taylor] Why, though? Can’t we just, I don’t know, use a photo from the last shoot and have them send whatever they want me to answer on e-mail? You know how badly I hate dealing with people I don’t know.

[from: Taylor] Mr. Kirkland, please, we’ve already talked about this. It’s just a single interviewer who will ask no more than a few questions and take a few photos. He won’t even actually record the interview. It isn’t a press conference with a hundred journalists.

[to: Taylor] I still don’t see the point! What’s the huge difference? It’s not like I’m big on PR anyway. Okay, maybe the photos from the last shoot are a bit old, but why the interview?

[from: Taylor] You’re going to come across as cold or standoffish, Mr. Kirkland. As much as we don’t mind you being private, it’s not good to come off as rude or arrogant. Come on, think of it as a deal with a publisher or an editor.

[to: Taylor] That is so reassuring.

[from: Taylor] You wound me.

[from: Taylor] Anyway, your interviewer is coming on Thursday at 2PM at meeting room 6. Be sure to wear a decent suit for that!

[to: Taylor] What the

[to: Taylor] I hate you so much

.-.-.-.

Arthur worked mostly from home, but was used to wearing suits, even though he wasn’t a fan of ties (although he believed all the fuss everyone made around it was too much). No matter how much his writing was compact and hardly ever included difficult jargon, people just didn’t seem to want to negotiate with a man in a hoodie and running shoes, which meant every single time he had to show up to discuss a minor thing at the publisher, he had to dress up formally, combed up hair included. Formalwear could get stuffy on warmer days; however, thankfully, the air conditioning was working just fine.

Which meant it could not be that that was getting on his nerves; a quick glance at the large digital clock on the wall made it clear he hadn’t been waiting for long and the interviewer wasn’t late either.

His bottle of water was already empty and the interviewer hadn’t even arrived. Honestly, what had he done to deserve such a thing? There were so many drafts on his PC at home and all the ideas that were now boiling in his mind would be lost before he even got home. This was nonsense; how was a writer supposed to do his job if he was stopped form, well, writing when he wanted the most? Quite honestly, it was just an excuse to get away from there, but at this point he was willing to do just about anything to get away from there.

Time dragged by. Now the interviewer was officially fifteen minutes late. Couldn't he just leave? The bottle was now empty and he started considering if it wouldn't be rude to drink up the interviewer's – didn't want yours to be taken? Should be here on time, you punk.

His thoughts were cut off by the soft buzzing of his phone. Then it buzzed twice. Then one more time. He was not supposed to use his phone in the meeting rooms, but he figured out it would be ok if nobody was there but him, right? As the blond checked the notifications, he saw they were all from his editor.

[from: Taylor] Please don’t kill me

[from: Taylor] I mixed up the dates

[from: Taylor] It’s actually tomorrow

[to: Taylor] What

[to: Taylor] I'm leaving now

[from: Taylor] I’m so sorry Mr. Kirkland, I’ve already called a cab

[from: Taylor] Please do come next week though

[to: Taylor] You want me to what

With a sigh, Arthur put his phone in his pocket, got up and left the room. He wasn't paid enough to deal with all this bullcrap. Hell, money wouldn't ever be enough to pay for this shit.

The cab ride was silent, Arthur only giving the address in the beginning and paying and curtly thanking the driver while getting off the cab. By the time he was at his doorstep, the sun was already setting – terrible traffic and all that. Maybe he should check the local pub, now it was probably already open... Nah, not in the mood. He'd probably just drink too much and have a terrible hangover the next day. Arthur showered and made himself some instant food (he honestly didn't even care about what he was eating at this point) and checked his social media and instant messaging apps (there were quite a lot), not finding anything interesting as usual –college acquaintances still partying like teenagers, cousins with their children, his mom sending her daily "good morning" messages that he only saw at night, fake news that he couldn't understand how so many people actually believed. Today hadn't really been a productive day, so he had to work twice as hard tomorrow, or at least that was what he told himself as he drifted off to sleep before it was even completely dark.

He'd just forgotten to check his SMS messages, which meant his notification board was completely taken over by his editor by the morning.

[from: Taylor] It's not the interviewer's fault, I can't just cancel everything now

[from: Taylor] Please, Mr. Kirkland, I know this is frustrating but we need it to promote the next book as well, remember?

[from: Taylor] Mr. Kirkland?

[from: Taylor] Mr. Kirkland, are you there?

[from: Taylor] Mr. Kirkland, I know you are upset, but don't leave me hanging like this!

Nice. He woke up and had to deal with this first thing in the morning? Way to go, Arthur. Way to go. He hated to admit it, but Ms. Taylor had a point. Plus, even though he hadn't really done any of that on purpose, leaving her hanging had kind of been a dick move, so at this point the writer didn't feel like he really had any chance to refuse.

[to: Taylor] Sorry, fell asleep and woke up now

[to: Taylor] Fine, I'll go

[to: Taylor] But double-check if it's really today

This was giving him a migraine. He just hoped it would end soon.

.-.-.-.

It would not, as it turned out.

The journalist and photographer that had been assigned to Arthur's interview got stuck in a faraway airport due to the weather and wouldn't be able to come until well after office hours. Why assign him someone who wasn't even in town anyway?

Ms. Taylor was making calls and sending e-mails nonstop, trying to find someone in his place, while Arthur had long ago given up on keeping up appearances and was snoring lightly, sitting at the table in the small meeting room after grumbling for hours about lost ideas and productivity. Or at least until Ms. Taylor shook him awake.

"Mr. Kirkland. Wake up. Mr. Kirkland!"

"Hmmm... What now?"

"I found a man that's available right now. He's worked with us a few times. He'll be here in 20 minutes."

Arthur, despite still having sleep in his eyes, arched an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to call someone in such a short notice?"

"He's worked with us before, Mr. Kirkland. He's a good professional, you'll be just fine. Actually, you'll be more than fine. You'll like how he isn't pushy or invasive."

"Ok, ok, fine, you've already called him anyway. What's his name?"

"Kiku Honda."

.-.-.-.

Using a pseudonym was practical, guaranteed his privacy (at least to some level, since his face was still known) and generally let him live his life in anonymity, or as close to it as possible. Sure, he would have liked a bit more of alone time, which had been restricted to the times he was at home ever since his book series became a hit, but hordes of fans wherever he went, paparazzi or flooding requests from readers to add him on social media weren't a problem as of yet, and he appreciated it.

But now? Now he cursed having opted not to use his actual name when he started publishing, because this very detail put him in the delicate situation of being interviewed by an ex-roommate... Whom he used to have the hugest crush on and actually based quite a few of his early characters on. Now, he was no creep, only the drafts written still on his college days or works that had been based on those had anything to do with Honda and he'd eventually moved on, but that was... Embarrassing, to say the least. If only he'd used his actual name to publish, then maybe Honda would remember the terrible reputation he'd had as a college student and refuse!

(not that it was going to actually happen, but Arthur could try to fool himself, huh?)

Ms. Taylor had forced him to get himself to look minimally presentable, so there really was nothing to do but wait until the doomed meeting happened. Really, why was he getting so worked up? It wasn't like his feelings were reciprocated; Honda may not even remember him. Honestly, not even he thought about it that much at that point.

.-.-.-.

The interview had been a disaster. Arthur had been so desperate to not let it seem too obvious to Honda that the inspiration to a few characters had been him (a few of which he specifically asked about) that, in the end, he didn't really answer anything that was asked in the depth that he wanted, could have otherwise covered, or really in any depth. Whatever he'd said in that interview could have very well been generated by an automated text generator, and he was not proud of that. At all.  

He plopped on the bed after having had a few too many drinks and somehow managing to come back home on his own – none of his (admittedly scarce) friends were in town. Thankfully, he just basically forgot his phone even existed, or else he'd probably just embarrass himself further.

.-.-.-.

[friend request from Kiku Honda – 3 friends in common]

[message from Kiku Honda – add to your friends – block]

Hello, Mr. Evans. I'm sorry for the intrusion; may I, however, add you as a friend on social media? I don't know if you remember me, but we were roommates for a few years during college. The interview was very interesting; I'd like to talk to you more, this time as a friend.

Arthur almost fell from bed as he read those words next morning, thinking that must have been a dream or a hallucination. Damn, had he taken something he didn't remember? It couldn't be. That shitty interview had actually gotten Honda interested? No, it couldn't be. He was probably just saying that out of politeness.

Hello, Mr. Honda. Thank you for your kind words. Of course I remember you, I just didn't think I should mention that at the interview; I wouldn't mind adding you on social media or talking more, provided that you keep my name private.

No, wait, what had he just sent? Stupid Arthur, was he a love-struck teenager all over again? Keeping contact was a bad idea from the start, Honda probably wasn't even that interested-

Thank you very much, Mr. Evans. Would you mind meeting up for coffee sometime later this week, then?

This wasn't making any sense at this point.

Of course! I don't have any other appointments.

To be honest, such straightforwardness was even a big uncharacteristic of Honda – or at least, of the Honda he'd known from quite a few years ago. But who knows what life might have brought him? Maybe... Maybe it could be interesting to know what had happened...

… Was what Arthur would have liked to think, but deep inside he was freaking out.

A few months later, he'd laugh about this whole ordeal, but the Arthur from now just had no way of knowing this.

[sweetlikekkul]

Run! Day

run was great i love them, cant wait for minimoni next week

today is weird again. the last 5 days i woke up naturally (idek how tf) but not today. and within 10 mins of waking up i was sitting in the kitchen eating fish :/

today also wasnt that weird, idk. nearly 3am now and i am feeling less weird than in the afternoon, no damn clue how that is possible. sidenote: my dads new motion sensor for automatic light at night is actively discouraging me from going to the bathroom in the evenings.

but i dont know, i think i am fine today actually. what was for lunch hmmm oh yeah i already mentioned the fish. i have to cook tomorrow. meh. that means i have to get up. meh. this feels sooo strange timing-wise rn, i couldnt remember the lunch bc i was sure fish must have been yesterday, bc it feels so long ago. the days feel really long in itself, but at the same time it is just over in a heartbeat bc i dont do anything (expect be online-) and days pass in total... Fast ? day 46 of no hugs today. and it doesnt feel like i only stopped specifically counting 6 days ago, at the same time.... stopping counting nearly a week ago? that sounds right. my wrist dot only being 13 days old???? as fckn if. time is weird. but that was my actual point when i started this post too, cuz.. tuesday? sounds fake. it's Run! BTS day.

and i wanted to write some stuff about yesterday and the day before, too, i like the random titles too much to change it there, so this is gonna be one Massive post.

two days ago: i had the strawberry cheesecake muesli mix with fresh banana and strawberries and it was reallyyy good.

yesterday: i went on a lil walk taking selfies ay and i loved some and even posted some! and i like them, they turned out really cute, i love my septum in them, the trees look fantastically green. yas actual validation through likes and comments! (lmao) oh i forgot that i was really looking through songs i like recently for the caption but i still ended up with 00:00 hah it be like that

i dont remember anything else. idk. nothing worth saying i guess. oh, had some breakdowns i assume. OH yeah i was insanely unreasonably angry. i posted the flower series (three days ago now) and my one friend liked i think five of them that same evening. i was like ok, she isn't the type to check my whole profile then, so i unarchived nearly all of the a few days older ones. but. the next morning she had liked all flowers and more of the older ones too. and i cant explain it, dont know why, but i hated it. i hated that ""my aesthetic of no likes was ruined"" idk. i was so angry. and i softblocked her i might go to hell now. really relieved my mind for some reason and yeah. well. got only 3 followers now lmao. and she didnt even see the most "revealing" ones with the most text. so.... i was freaking out over normal functions of instagram. and two days ago another friend posted a picture and i got angry over that???

and i really did not do anything today. oh, i didnt go on walk today bc it was really grey and meh. thats part of why i didnt like waking up bc it felt so dark and grey, the blue sky has made md spoiled oh wow i am very much glued to my phone again. and i Do Not like it, but. it's hard. somehow. i was painting the lil chest some days. oh haha my parents didnt like that i used the water based paint basically on the floor bc it could get into the small spaces between the cork. uh i think it is too late for that, that already happened a couple of years ago when i was painting more colorful stuff. i actually did pick up my clothes from the floor... yesterday maybe? or longer ago? and changed the bedding. and that's about it. but i still want to try. try more. do better. i want to leave this functioning. thinking about getting a job again. might as well, especially with slim plans to do anything at all in summer.

[vikka-chan]

Get to Know Me Tag

Tagged by 2 lovely blogs @bapyesir and @soooldout (if you’re not already following them, than what are you waiting for?)

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you. Then tag anyone else you want to do this survey.

I’m Tagging: WHO EVER WANTS TO DO IT, PLEASE DONT BE SHY. I TAG EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN THESE TYPES OF POSTS AND HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ONE BUT NEVER GETS TAGGED. I TAG YOU!!!! JUST SAY THAT YOU WERE TAGGED BY ME!!!

1.) ARE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Subconsciously after my uncle who passed away before I was born, even though my parents had no planned intention to.

2.) WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Actually a few nights ago. I woke up crying from a dream I had. The last time that had happened to me was when I was 5.

3.) DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? For the most part yes. When its rushed it sometimes bugs me. 

4.) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Kobasa. If you’re Ukrainian and you don’t like kobasa you will be shunned (not really, I just like to scare people).

5.) DO YOU HAVE KIDS? God no, don’t want kids for another 10 years or more.

6.) IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I want to say yes, it all depends if my new personality would be compatible with my current one (if that makes sense).

7.) DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sarcasm is the only thing I am good at. 

8.) DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, unless I have been lied to all my life.

9.) WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? For sure, its on my bucket list.

10.) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF CEREAL? Doesn’t matter as long as its not bland.

11.) DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Most of the time, unless I’m super lazy that day.

12.) DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON? Yes, more physically than emotionally (my emotional strength is somewhat low).

13.) WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Old school vanilla or chocolate. 

14.) WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Hmmm, never thought about this. I would say face though, I like to look at people in the eyes if I meet them for the first time.

15.) RED OR PINK? Neither is my favourite, but I would choose red.

16.) WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE PHYSICAL THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? My facial skin. I have acne only on my face, everywhere else is clear. 

17.) WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING NOW? I’m in my bed so I’m barefoot and have red plaid pyjama pants on.

18.) WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Just had a granola bar coming home from my lecture, but I had fried rice with sweet and sour chicken balls at my school.  

19.) WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? White Mind by Cross Gene and Yesterday by Block B. Im shuffling between those two songs (if you haven’t heard them, go check them out).

20.) IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? I would say purple.

21.) FAVOURITE SMELL? Don’t have one, but I like delicate ones, not too strong.

22.) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? My mom.

23.) FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Hockey (Canadian much XD) or soccer.

24.) HAIR COLOUR? Darkish brown.

25.) EYE COLOUR? Brown, I got the short end of the stick.

26.) DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope.

27.) FAVOURITE FOOD TO EAT? EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! FEED ME PLEASE

28.) SCARY MOVIE OR COMEDY? Comedy 100000%, I can’t watch scary movies.

29.) LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Ummmm, I think it was probably The Jungle Book (live action) with my dad.

30.) WHAT COLOUR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Lol red.

31.) SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, Canadian winters try and kill you (but I shouldn’t complain because we had a mild one this season).

32.) HUGS OR KISSES? Why not both???

33.) WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? Leisure reading= The Midnight Star by Marie Lu, but I’m also reading a book on the history of the Ottoman Empire for my history research paper.

34.) WHO DO YOU MISS RIGHT NOW? Don’t have time right now to think about that *sigh*.

35.) WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing.

36.) WHAT IS THE LAST TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED? The Weather Network.

37.) WHAT IS THE BEST SOUND? When its raining and you’re in a forest.

38.) ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES? Rolling Stones, never really like the Beatles (sorry).

39.) WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE TRAVELLED? Eastern Europe, more specifically Ukraine.

40.) DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I’m musically gifted I’m just really lazy and lack motivation.

41.) WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Toronto Canada.

42.) PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SURVEY? Anyone who wants to :D

[hell-bound-stories]

Curraway wods- The nights

Max jolted awake, jumping up on her pile of old blankets and pillows, knocking her head on the top bunk above. She quickly looked around the dark room, eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness, all while taking deep panicked breaths. She rubbed her tired eyes, taking note of the sweat covering her body.

"Ugh gross" Max said quietly. She climbed out of bed, and began shaking herself off like a wet dog. She walked over to the window on the far end of the room to take a look at the dark sky outside. She sighed, "still night"

Max paced around her room, biting her nails, unsure of what to do next. This was the 4 time this happened this week, and it was only Thursday. She knew at this rate she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep in her own bed. While she loved having her own space, she wasn't used to sleeping alone yet, at least that is what she was blaming this on. Max rubbed her eyes again and began making her way to the door. She knew what she needed to do if she wanted to sleep again tonight.

She walked quietly down the dark hall. Carefully and quietly she opened the door. To Max's surprise Diana was already awake, sitting up in bed with the lamp on the nightstand on.

"Good morning Max" Diana spoke quietly, tiredness ever present in her voice.

"Oh, is it morning?" Max always felt guilty doing this.

"No it's" She glanced at the clock on the nightstand, "about 2:30 am" she finished with a yawn.

"Oh" Max looked down at the ground.

"Hey it's alright, I woke myself up" Diana tried to lift the mood, even if that was a lie. This had been the nightly routine for almost a month now. It was easy to expect Max at her door around this hour. Diana patted the end of the bed in front of her, "Come on" she said with a reassuring smile.

Max looked up, giving a small soft smile back. She closed the door and made her way over to the bed, trying not to feel bad. She jumped on the foot of the large bed. It was big enough for both of them to lay side by side no problem, but Max always curled up at the bottom like a dog or cat. Diana found that trying to get her into the bed properly was a futile effort, So she gave up trying a while ago, content with the small demon sleeping by her feet.

"Ok" Diana yawned, reaching for the lamp, "Good night Max"

"Good night," Max said quietly. With that Diana turned the light off.

Max quickly fell back asleep, clearly aided by the presents of the witch, as she was almost every night for a month now. Diana however didn't fall back asleep as fast, instead laying awake for a small bit thinking about Max. Her presents at the end of the bed didn't bother her at all, no, she was thinking about why Max was there in the first place.

She knew Max was having nightmares every night, that much was clear from the scream she could hear followed shortly after by Max appearing at her door. Diana didn't even begin to know why she might be having them or what they were about, but they seemed like the worst kind of nightmare. Worst of all Diana didn't even begin to know how to help. Every time she asked Max about the dreams she always said the same thing, "I don't remember".

'Maybe it's just a demon thing' Diana thought before drifting off to a worried sleep. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Really?" Jamack asked, puzzled.

"Yup," Diana said, pouring coffee into a mug and taking a sip, while Jamack just sat atop his Lectern on the table.

"Every night?" He asked again

"Pretty much"

"Hmmm" He paused, "well where is she now?"

"Still asleep upstairs, I think it's starting to get to her," Diana said with a worried tone, leaning against the counter looking at Jamack.

"Well nightmares every night for a month straight would get to anyone, demon or not" He stated matter of factly. Diana sighed in defeat.

"I just don't know what to do, I don't want her to keep going on like this" She took another sip from the mug.

"Oh I get it" Jamack started, "I wouldn't want a demon sleeping in my bed either"

"Hey its not that" She was quick to defend "Nightmares aren't fun for anyone to have, especially so frequently" It was hard not to feel bad for Max. Diana could tell Max had already been through alot already, she didn't deserve these restless nights. As for the bed thing Diana didn't much care. She only worried about accidentally kicking Max off the bed in the middle of the night.

"Mmhmm yeah" Jamack said in a judgmental tone.

Diana looked around the small kitchen, wondering what to do, eyes eventually landing on the fridge. She walked over and pulled a small business card off that had been held on by a magnet. It was a simple card, with just a phone number and a name, The Doctor. The one she got the day she met Max in the field. "Maybe I should call him" she pondered out loud.

"Oh for the love of Satan do not call that man!!" Jamack quickly and loudly protested jumping up and down on the lectern as he did so.

"Ugh why not? He seemed like a trustworthy guy, and if he's a doctor maybe he can help Max" Diana was willing to try anything.

"That guy is only as trustworthy as far as you can Hex him"

"That doesn't even-"

"Besides I can help just as much as that joke can"

"Oh yeah? What do you suppose I do?" Diana scoffed, very much doubtful of Jamack in every way. Jamack was barely reliable enough to read his own pages correctly.

"Simple" he started, "What's the one thing that keeps Max from having nightmares?"

Diana thought for a second, "I don't know, what?"

"You," Jamack answered.

"Me?" Diana was confused, "what do you mean?"

"Well she's not coming to me in the middle of the night looking for comfort is she?"

"True" Diana nodded along

"And she doesn't wake up again once asleep with you"

"Hmm also true" Diana agreed once more, taking a sip from her mug.

"Exactly!" Jamack sounded so proud of himself, "If there's anything you need to know about demons, it's that they are very emotional, you are clearly some type of emotional anchor"

"Ok now you lost me"

"Ugh" Jamack groaned, "you make the bad feelings go away and stay away, she feels safe around you"

"Ooooh, that makes sense"

"I know it does, try to keep up D" if he could he'd be rolling his eyes right now.

"Ok well what do I do about it? She can't sleep with me forever" Diana wondered.

"Exactly, give her something of yours, this isn't hard come on common sense" jamack was clearly getting more and more irritated.

"Something like what?"

"I dunno what do you think?"

"You know you don't have to be so-"

"Something that means a lot to you, brings happy memories, bonus points if it smells like you" He stated, cutting Diana off.

"Smells like me?" Now that really confused Diana.

"What? Demons have a strong sense of smell, it would only help"

"Huh" Diana paused thinking it all over, "You demons are weird, but that actually all makes sense"

"Rude- wait it does??" Jamack seemed surprised.

"Yeah, and I think I know just the thing to give her" Diana said confidently.

"Well i'm sure if it works she'll be sleeping good again in no time" he said happily.

"Yeah" diana paused, "since when do you care about Max?"

"I don't!!" Jamack quickly protested, "I just don't want anyone else sleeping in your bed"

"What?"

"Good morning" Max yawned as she walked into the kitchen, dark rings present around her eyes. It wasn't hard to tell she didn't sleep well.

"Oh wow look it's Max!!!! Let's pay attention to her-" He was cut off by a pink hand placed on his cover, followed by a deep growl and a sharp glare.

"Wow someone's grumpy- ok what are you doing?" Max picked Jamack up off the table, and walked over to the far side of the kitchen. Jamack watched helplessly as Max opened the window, "oh wow what is it? Not even 10 yet? That's a new record-" Max quickly lobbed the large leather back book out the window, effortlessly tossing it over the trees, across the forest out of site.

“its to early in the morning for this” 

Diana took another sip from her mug, trying her best not to laugh, "well looks like im not doing magic today" she smirked.

"Oh" Max closed the window, looking over at Diana with a sting of guilt on her tired face, "im sorry, I didn't-"

"Im joking" Diana cut her off with a light hearted smile, "He was being a bi-" she stopped herself.

"A bitch" Max finished for her.

"Hey, language!" Diana lightly snapped.

"Hey at least I didn't break the window this time"

Diana laughed finishing off her coffee, "true"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day was nothing but slow. The month of restless nights had finally all caught up with Max, leaving her groggy and grumpy all day up until the night. She spent most the day inside which was a first, opting to just lay on the ground while the tv went on instead of exploring the forest like usual. Max was just too tired to do much of anything, while Diana went about her usual business, without the aid of jamack of course, checking in on Max every now and then until eventually it was nearing bed time.

Diana went digging through her closet looking for one specific box. "Ah ha!" She said to herself, locating the box under a pile of old laundry and pulling it out onto the bed. She began looking through its contents, reminiscing about all the things inside til eventually she found exactly what she was looking for. The items in question being a simple black cat stuffed animal and a matching hand stitched blanket with various black cats embroidered on it. She took a long look at both items, unclear about which she should give to Max while also wondering out loud to herself  "Why was it always black cats?"

She shrugged it off and decided it wouldn't hurt to just give both of them over, but the real question now was how was she going to give them. It wasn't going to be nearly as easy as just handing them over, no, Max tended to turn down rather "kiddy" stuff when offered, always protesting with "ew gross i'm not a baby". Diana began to think that maybe she could just place them on her bed and Max wouldn't notice. Giving it to her without giving it to her. Perfect.

Diana looked down the hall and saw the closed bathroom door. Max was still inside getting ready for bed, the perfect opportunity to sneak and just place the things on the top bunk of Max's bed. Which is exactly what she did. She was about to leave before she ran into Max.

"Oh hi Diana" Max groggily said walking into her room, "whatcha doing?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Oh, just wanted to say goodnight to my favorite demon!" She smiled, technically the truth.

"I'm your only demon" Max flatly replied.

"Hey not true, Jamack is a demon" Diana replied

"He's not here"

"Well sadly he'll be back tomm- you know that doesnt matter, your still my favorite!" Diana proclaimed, scooping Max up in her arms into a hug.

"Ugh gross" Max protested, but did little to get out of the situation

"Good night"

"Meh goodnight"

"Sleep good," Diana said, placing Max back down.

Max groaned, "yeah".

"I know you will" Diana reassured her, even if she didn't know for sure, she was praying that maybe just having the items near the bed would help. She made her way out of the room closing the door behind her before making her way down the hall to her own bed.

Now on her own Max immediately climbed up the bed to find whatever Diana had placed there. She quickly found the out of place blanket and stuffed animal, tossing them on the ground below before following shortly after. Taking a closer look at the stuffed cat and blanket she wondered out loud to herself "what's with witches and cats? Especially black ones?"

She began to wonder why Diana would give these to her. Max knew Diana knew she didn't like this kid stuff. She was about to toss the things aside to the other side of the room, however something kept her from tossing them. She didn't know what. She took another look at the items in her hands.

"Mmmm"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diana woke up later in the night, however not to the usual scream that would, no she woke up on her own this time. As if her body was expecting to be woken up anyway. She checked her clock, 2:15. This would normally be around the time Max would wake up and come into her room.

"Hmm" she began wondering what to do while rubbing her eyes, deciding to go check on Max instead of just waiting this time. She made her way down the hall and carefully and quietly opened max's door. She didn't know what she expected but it wasn't what she saw.

Max was sleeping on her usual nest of blankets and pillows, however now with the old cat blanket draped over the top of the pile. In Max's arms was the simple stuffed cat toy. It was clutched tightly in her grip noticeable near her face, close to her nose. She was perfectly nested and for the first time in weeks getting uninterrupted sleep.

Diana tried her best not to make any noise at the adorable site all the while thinking 'wow that joke of a book was actually right'. More importantly she was happy Max actually took to the old toys instead of just tossing them aside, and that they were actually helping. With relief washed over her body Diana made her way back to her own room to get back to bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diana walked downstairs to the kitchen to get her usual cup of morning coffee, however before she could even think about it a familiar voice had to pipe up.

"Hey!!!" The voice practically shouted, "Did you miss me?" he sounded a little more than pissy.

"Ugh hardly" Diana coldly replied, still heading for the kitchen, "how was your day?"

"Oh you know it was just great" Jamack started, "after being thrown by that sentient rat with thumbs I landed in a tree where a hawk picked me up then eventually dropped me into the river, where I tumbled til my corners started to round all the while getting nibbled on by fish and some beavers who tried to use me for a damn but tossed me because I didn't have the right shape. After floating along a little more a bear picked me up and took me to its den to try to feed me to its cubs"

"Oh is that all?" Diana pretended to sound interested in the story as she went about making a pot of coffee. This didn't surprise her at all, no matter what you did to Jamack the next day he would always be back on his lectern brand new. Part of the curse she guessed.

"Oh that's just what happened before noon" Jamack went off, "but we can talk about that later, how's the sentient rat with thumbs? Did you try what I suggested?"

"You know I actually did" Diana said leaning against the counter waiting for her coffee to finish brewing, "She didn't come into my room at all and actually took to the items I gave her"

"Really?" he sounded so surprised, "what did you give her?"

"Just some old childhood toys, they were my favorite back in the day" Diana smiled, remembering all the good times she had with them when she was younger.

"Wow that's so sweet, I might just shed a tear, oh wait I can't-"

Diana cut him off, placing a hand on his over, "its to early in the morning for this"

"Hey wait a second" Jamack began thinking, "I was right!! HAHA take that doctor my ass I was right!!!!"

"Mmhmm"

"Wait what are you doing?" Jamack asked in a panic.

Diana had picked him up again, taking him to the open window.

"Oh really? really??" He pleaded

Diana rolled her eyes saying "baby" before dropping him on the ground outside under the window.

"Oh, oh this isn't that bad oh wait no here come the raccoons"

Diana walked back to the fresh pot of coffee pouring herself a mug as Max walked downstairs, "good morning"

"Good morning!" Max happily replied. She looked around noticing the lack of back talking books, "where's Jamack?"

"Oh he's out running a marathon with his super strong legs"

"I can still hear you!!!-ow careful with the pages you overgrown rat pigeons!!" He screamed back at the racoons, before being carried off into the forest by the gaze, "I'll get you for this when I get back!!!"

"yeah Im sure you will" Diana laughed looking out the window.

"Well he'll have a fun day" Max laughed, watching it all unfold from the window as well.

"Yup, yesterday he met a bear," Diana said, taking a drink from her mug.

"What! No fair!" Max protested, "I want to meet a bear"

[ecotone99]

[MS] Hidden

​

(please bear with me, I am not an experienced writer at ALL)

November 29, 2013

I was walking down the street after my college classes. It was windy and clear outside. It was autumn in the quiet town of North Ridgeville, Ohio. I looked at my watch, 5:00 pm. That’s late, I’m not sure how I didn’t realize that. I should head home now. I soon got home to my apartment. Although it was an apartment, it wasn’t at all cramped or messy. I keep things neat, and clean. I checked the time again, 5:11 pm. I sat down on the sofa and turned on the television. I switched to a news channel. Reports of murder came on.

Two young adults, ages 18. Matthew Hill and John Smith. Both in high school, the same as my brother, Austin. They had bullied him but never tried anything when I was with him. I wonder what else could have happened. Apparently they were found strangled to death at North Ridgeville High School. Hmmm. I smiled. I know this is odd, but they weren’t helping the world. They were just damaging others. So the world took him. Too bad, I guess. After watching the news, I usually eat an apple. I just do. Always Honeycrisp, they are better. Heh, apple superiority, how trivial. However, just because things are trivial doesn’t make them totally useless and wasteful, though. That’s a mistake people make. People make a lot of mistakes. I knew that. I looked back at the television. The news said it was rumoured a note was found next to the bodies, written in black ink. It said, Better luck next time.

I switched the channel to a true-crime documentary. I like true crime. You can see others’ mistakes in crime. I do despise a particular one, Ted Bundy. If you are going to kill someone, don’t kidnap them. I may be cold but the things he did were disgusting. I eventually stopped thinking about that pathetic killer. Soon my cell phone started ringing. I looked at my watch, 5:46. Huh, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I picked up the phone. It was my brother, Austin.

“Did you see the news report about the murders?” He asked, seemingly worried.

“Yes,” I answered, blandly.

“It’s crazy isn’t it?” He asked, “North Ridgeville is one of the safest cities in Ohio and even the whole U.S!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty odd,” I answered blankly. Although I don’t act like it, I love my brother. He is okay with how I act. He was okay with me being me. I didn’t need to fake emotions around him. Then again, Austin is very good at reading emotions, even mine.

“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about them anymore, heh,” I said blandly.

“Yeah I guess you are right. It’s still pretty sad though. Anyway, I have to go eat dinner since dad just got home. I’ll see you tomorrow Aiden!” Austin said, excited to see his brother again. Then he hung up. I continued watching television when my cat walked up to me. Her name was Turtle, as she was a tortoiseshell cat. I love her since she doesn’t judge or have expectations. She started purring and she sat down on the sofa next to be. I smiled and checked my watch again. 5:52 pm.

Checking my watch was something I did a lot. It was a habit I guess. Some time passed, and I checked my watch. 6:23 pm. Hmmm, time went by fast. I looked back at the television. There were still talking about murder reports. I guess it is quite a big thing to happen in quiet little Ridgeville. I wonder if they will ever find the killer.

I seem to find myself often thinking about random things at random times. Randomly thinking about how my cat deserves a peaceful life. Random. Random. Is anything really random? Ha, that was another random and trivial thought. Just like apples being superior to other apples. I checked the time again. 7:03 pm. Hmmm, I guess I got lost in my thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts. Can you really be lost in thought? Of course it is a figurative phrase but, hmmm.

Most people have most likely heard that time isn’t exactly a real thing. I think you could say the same about any form of measurement. Things like meters, miles, degrees... They only are names. Names, names, and names. Names are strange. Names could be insults, but also be labels. Everything is named. Whether it makes sense or not. Some names come from surnames even, such as the Heimlich manoeuvre. Manoeuvre. Manoeuvre. Manoeuvre. Manoeuvre. Such a weird word. Like Manoeuvre, some words come from words that already existed a long time ago, usually from other languages. But where did those original words come from?

What things are truly trivial? Trivial. Trivial. Trivial. Trivial. I use that word a lot. Is anything truly trivial? Well, yes, in a way. Someone’s preferred apple is most likely to be trivial. Someone’s favourite color, movie, animal… Are those all trivial? Can a whole person be trivial? No-well, maybe. Is there anyone who is truly useless? You only need one person to think you’re useful to not be useless. Useless. Useless. Useless. Is anything even truly useless?

Killers. Killers. Killers. What is a serial killer and what is a hero? These things depend on perspective. Someone in one place is a hero and another place a villain. Many people who work for the government kill. It isn’t always a bad thing to take someone’s life. But… What makes someone’s life worth taking?

I checked my watch again. 9:23 pm. It’s been a while. Again “lost in thought.” Regardless, I should get to bed. I always make sure to get to bed before 10 pm. However, I usually don’t fall asleep until 11 pm, as I get “lost in thought” a lot.

Lot. Lot. Lot. The word lot is also relative. A lot of salt in baking is different to a lot of salt in the ocean. Lot also depends on the person and their situation. A lot of money to a wealthy aristocrat is different to a lot of money to a homeless mother. Mother. Mother. Mother. Mother. What is a mother? Scientifically, it is simply the female that gave birth to you. For humans, it’s different. Is a mother just female familial support? A biological mother is your actual mother. Some mothers shouldn’t be deemed mothers.

I never found murder much of a bad thing itself. Some people who are murdered deserve it, in a way. I find some things even worse. Abuse, harassment, sexual harassment… No need to make their last moments terrible, or, at least, more terrible than being strangled, like the two highschoolers.

Is “not being able to hurt a fly” a good or bad thing? Being merciful is good… however… It’s just odd. Not being able to hurt anything probably could do more harm than good. On the same note, what is the line between pushover and kind?

I soon fell asleep and woke up at 10:00 am. It was a Saturday. I got up and did my morning routine, which hadn’t been broken in 9 years. I do things, and I will do things right. I always got good grades as a kid. I never got grades lower than a B. And I made sure of it. I also make sure no one ever tries to take advantage of me. If anyone plans on trying, I can make sure they won’t in the future.

Trivial. Trivial. That word again. I think of that word a lot. It’s a good word. Word. Word. Word is a strange word. I sighed. I’m going outside. I opened the curtains on my room, letting the morning sun in. It was clear again. I put on a flannel, black jeans, and my jacket. I walked outside. It was less breezy, therefore warmer. Much more enjoyable than yesterday. I walked to a small pottery shop.

“Do you have any snake sculptures?” I asked, after seeing a variety of animal-themed sculptures.

“I am afraid not, but you can request one!” The lady behind the counter answered, enthusiastic and bubbly.

“Oh-ok,” I answered blankly.

“Any specific sizes or colors?” She asked, smiling.

“Well-blue and, um- about five inches long,” I answered nervously. I didn’t like talking much to others.

“Thank you! It should be done by Tuesday!” She answered, kindly.

“Thanks,” I answered as I walked out. Well okay then. It’s no problem. Next, I walked to a park. It was a bit more full today since the weather was nicer. I picked out a book I bought. It was named Behind The Mask. As I was reading, a kid came up to me. They had to be only 7.

“Can I please have a dollar?” They asked, looking shy.

“Oh, uh, sure,” I answered as I pulled out my wallet. Oh-I only have a five. Whatever, it’s fine. It’s just five dollars. This kid hasn’t shown any traces of not being disrespectful. Mine as well. I wonder why they want it...

“I only have a five, but you can have it-I guess,” I answered as I handed it to the boy.

“Thank you so much, sir!” He exclaimed out of happiness as he ran away in excitement. I smiled. Childhood should be spent in happiness. Unless you are some entitled brat. I stopped smiling. Disappointing. Such bad parenting. Parenting. Parenting. Parenting. Parenting. What really is parenting? Teaching kids to be good people? Teaching them how to live life without messing everything up? I’d like to think I turned out we-I was cut off my own thought by the sound of a girl demanding something from me.

“Give me 5 dollars!” She demanded, “You gave him some so give me some!” I grimaced. Little idiot...

“Listen, you can’t just do that kind of thing. Now go away,” I said coldly as I stood up. Even if she was nice, I couldn’t give her anything. I only had twenty in my wallet, and that’s not something I was going to give to some kid. I am about 6’5, which is seemingly quite tall, especially compared to a small bratty 7 year old. She soon stopped smirking and ran away, looking intimidated. Ugh- pathetic. I don’t care if you’re a kid, you shouldn’t be so greedy. I felt annoyed and decided to get up and go back to the pottery shop. I walked around, looking at everything. Everything was fairly well made. Hmmm…

Eventually, I went home at 10:36 am. I then sat down to watch more television and switched to the news. More about the recent murder.

Apparently they were found in the men’s locker room. It’s also reported the scene was very puddled, the bodies drenched. Hmmmm. I soon got bored and grabbed my book again to start reading while eating an apple.

I read until 2:00 pm. I had a thing for that. If I was very interested in or immersed in a book I could read for hours on end. Being content with how much I read, I decided to go to my parents’ house to visit them and Austin. After texting my brother that I was coming, I fixed my hair and clothes. Presentability is important, especially if you want to be respected.

I arrived at my parents’ house at 2:11 pm. My brother Austin was super happy to see me, and I was too. I just don’t show it much. I talked to my parents a bit and then went to hang out with my brother. Lately, he had been getting into writing, and he showed me some stuff he wrote. It was pretty good, especially for someone who didn’t write much outside of school. He was good at descriptions, and could really immerse someone in a setting.

“This is really nice, you should keep writing,” I said, with little emotion. Most people would probably take this as sarcasm or take it with offense, but Austin could always figure out what I meant without me having to hyperbolize my emotions. He was a great brother.

“Thanks a lot, Aiden,” He replied, smiling.

“No problem,” I said, looking off to his small kitten. Austin had adopted a small kitten from a local animal shelter. Austin loved cats, especially helping them. He even wanted to foster kittens that would be euthanized in shelters. He was a very caring guy, especially to animals. In my opinion, he was respectable. He treated others with respect and wanted to help. The only bad thing about him was how he dealt with people who took advantage of him. They used his intelligence or kindness for their own benefit. Even if he knew it was manipulation, he still didn’t do anything. Hopefully, he gets over that. He could become quite a respectable man.

Respect. Respectful. Respected. Huh, the more you think of the word, the odder it sounds. Respect is important. I value respect a lot. Disrespecting someone can be one of the most annoying things to me. I like to go by the phrase Respect others until there is a reason not to. I didn’t like the whole “Respect is earned, not given.” It makes some sense but… Disrespecting someone because you don’t know them? Why would you do that? The same people who say that demand you be respectful. Such a strange thing to say.

It had been a few days, and it was now Tuesday, the day his snake sculpture would be done. After classes, he walked straight to the pottery shop.

“Hello, is the snake done?” I asked.

“Yes! Please come up to the counter!” She answered, smiling. It was the same person at the counter as Saturday. I walked up to the counter as she walked to the back, and picked out a small blue snake that was coiled into the shape of and 8. It was very well made, and you could feel all of the textures. As the girl started wrapping the snake up in bubble wrap, I asked the price.

“Only 20 dollars!” She said, still being as bubbly as a young girls television character.

“That’s not a lot of quality-are you sure it's 20?” I asked, slightly surprised.

“Well, our Christmas sale just started since it’s December now!” She answered, smiling as she handed the wrapped snake to him.

“Oh, okay,” I said while taking the snake and taking out the twenty in my wallet.

“Thanks for coming! Have a great day!”

“Oh uh-you too,” I said, unexpecting an extended conversation as he walked out. I was feeling a bit nice when I bumped into some highschool senior, and almost dropped the snake. Oh my... You could tell by how they looked how they would respond

“OH MY GOSH! Watch where you’re going, idiot! I could have fallen or dropped my things!” She exclaimed as she stomped on my foot. She was wearing a shirt with a surname on it. Jones. Tiffany Jones. Austin talks about her sometimes. Apparently some jerk who can’t help but cheat on any boyfriend she gets. I don’t very much care about that but, she has shown so much disrespect towards me. Disappointing. I grimaced as I walked away without saying a thing. 3:23 pm. I continued walking home.

What is maturity? Is it being respectful? Being considerate? Thinking about more than how Sally and Alex broke up? Heh, that last one was a joke, but it still holds true. A few days later, and a news report came on. Another murder, that’s odd. This kind of thing is almost unheard of here, now it seems there is a killer on the loose. The victim was Tiffany Jones. Odd, I saw her not too long ago. Another rather “trivial” person. Sad how their life ended before they could mature into a respected and respectful adult, or well, they would hopefully turn into one, that is if they hadn’t passed. The same “better luck next time” note was found near the body, which was found dead in the bushes of the local park. She was quite disrespectful, similar to the two kids who bullied Austin. The news dubbed the killer a “spree killer” since they killed without a cool-down time.

It had been three months until I found myself in another situation with someone disrespectful. There had been some man in his class who tried to cheat off of me. This particular man always did disrespectful things. Being so disrespectful and immature even as a young adult. Pathetic, you aren’t in high school anymore.

It had been three days since the cheating incident when the news reported another murder, who was none other than the man who tried to cheat off of me. Wow, am I cursed or something? This is incredibly strange. I dozed off into thought and didn’t pay attention to the news anymore. Odd.

When I snapped back to reality the news said that yet again, the same note of “better luck next time,” was next to the body, meaning it was most definitely the same person doing the murders. Odd, I thought as I looked at my watch. 3:31 pm. I guess I have plenty of time to relax.

Almost a year went by and more people who I wasn't fond of died. Including the previous deaths, it was a total kill-count of 9, all with the ominous note next to the bodies. That’s quite a lot, especially for a city like North Ridgeville. Maybe this all will bring attention to little old Ridgeville, haha.

It was now November 29 again, now the year of 2014. I walked down the street to a cafe to get a doughnut as a treat. It was my anniversary after all. I took a bite out of the doughnut and smiled. Last year today was my first two murders of 9.

submitted by /u/Deskorb [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/3cTYJoq

[zeebartels]

First & most importantly –

All my love and thanks to my family, who know how much/little to check in on me and not ask too many/too few questions – DeeDee, Tins, Curtis, Manon, Chants, Casey

Zain – for being my hospital Saviour and just my favourite Pakistani ever! Chad – for trying your best to lie to the parents when KB ask the 2 questions you weren’t allowed to answer truthfully – that is what cousins are for. KB – you are my heroin and without knowing it guided me through this – WWKBD!

Elisha + Nico – for being the best big Sister + Brother a girl could need. There are no words to express how much I love you and appreciate you. Sis! looks like I will live to meet yuh man and you are the best secret keeper.

And, The NHS for existing [you can take all the National Insurance you want from me], King’s College Hospital & my multi-disciplinary team of docs for being absolute stars and sorting me out real quick.

So… it’s been a fucking mad end of this year.

I hate this time of year, it’s never felt happy or joyous and honestly I just see the loneliness in the world in this ‘festive’ season, and now compounded by the loss of my father on Boxing Day 2013 – this time of year I’m always thinking – where is the highest mountain or deepest hidey hole I can find until this is all over. But I think this year has taken the cake!

So I had this cough since end of July, no biggie – it’s a cough.

In October, I was inexplicably breathless speed walking to the boarding gate in Amsterdam with Court.

November 19th, I had the craziest fever – trying to sleep, laying naked in my living room with my windows and sliding doors open in the middle of winter and I still felt I was in Trinidad in midday hot sun.

Chaddy boy came over the next day and seeing I couldn’t say one word without having to catch my breath – emergency doctor’s appointment became mandatory. Now I am the worst patien if I can walk and not screaming in pain – I good, dancer habits die hard. So you know shit was real at this point.

Doc Wedgwood tells me to go directly to A&E 1st thing in the morning, She means – DO NOT pass go, DO NOT collect £200 [which would have been damn handy seeing I just quit my 2nd job for the year on Halloween – that’s another story though].

Of course, I was like “listen, give me some drugs so I stop this violent coughing business and could breathe cause I have a job interview tomorrow that not only do I really want to go to but shit! I need to be able to pay rent in 2018 and there is nothing that will make me move from the best flat in the world.”

We had a bit of a back and forth and this woman was not playing but no chest infection is going to affect my plan. Cue – an interview reschedule and I head to King’s College Hospital bright and early the next morning.

Give some blood and x-ray my chest. Then @ 8:50am the lovely good looking Isiah made everything a little more concerning. He asked me to stick around and started asking me a bunch of questions and after trying to be slick, I got him to eventually admit to me that, “My Chest X-ray is concerning, and I need to go to my GP 1st thing tomorrow to discuss the results”

Fuck me! So not a straightforward​ chest x-ray, not a simple case of a really bad chest infection. But you know I’m on a mission, cause I can’t tell my mother I quit another job this year without having sorted another, so I have interviews to get my ass too​.

Fast Forward to that afternoon, and my Doc Wedgwood left 2 voicemails and emailed me about my early morning results appointment – slight panic set in, so I called in the reinforcements for this appointment – enter Nicholai from Stage Right.

So much changed in a couple sentences that Wednesday morning.

“Your chest x-ray isn’t good. We have to do more tests to fully diagnose, but it’s 1 of 3 things –

Lung cancer [WTF?!?!], Lymphoma [this woman crazy!?!?] or Sarcoidosis [I know she crazy cause only people on House or Greys’ Anatomy have that, and those are TV shows].

Your heart rate is 160 – it’s working too hard and your lymph nodes are inflamed around 400%”

If Nico didn’t say respond – I woulda tell you – that was the most vivid dream I ever had. My Big Brother [as he introduced himself to Doc Wedgwood] asked the sensible questions. I said – how the hell do I tell my mother & sister?!!?

The Bartels Soldier surfaced [I am the child of KB – the Original Gangster] and I needed to make a plan. I started my “I’m dying” folder in my Notes.

What needs doing…

What are the next steps to diagnosis?

Who needs to or should know?

Do I change my pension beneficiaries from my Godchildren​ to my mother and sister [the original plan of them being gone by the time I die may not be the same]?

If it’s a cancer – do I do the fucked up chemo thing or just make sure I enjoy the rest of my time?

Sweet! I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks and I didn’t even make an effort – this could definitely be a good thing!!

Who needs access to my business if shit goes downhill from here.

Answers…

Kings’ College Chest Clinic will call me with my next appointments and instructions

Nico [he was there], Elisha [she’s my person], Chaddy [he knows something is up]. KB + the rest will know when I know what is what

Diagnosis 1st then change beneficiaries if need be

Stage 1 – we will try ah ting & KB will have to come and mind her chile in London. Late Stage 2 and beyond – I’mma just ride this out and see what happens

I have 50lbs I need to lose and hate exercising so this is a real good thing & I’m going to ride this train as much as I can [so far -20lbs + counting in the last month]

Elisha – all of it. Nico – my hospital details.

  So here is what followed:

My symptoms got worse –

I can’t walk 1 flight of stairs without being winded, I have to plan all my journeys around tube stations that have escalators and leave enough time to catch my breath before I have to speak to someone. And keep those to a bare minimum

Talking too much is difficult – not a problem for me, I’m not the biggest fan of people

Eating is tiring and takes my breath away – so most things become blended, good thing I had a bunch of already made frozen soup

I have violent coughing episodes that make anyone in my vicinity think I’m dying from the plague – They just gonna have to deal with that

My ribs are sore from all the coughing, so inhaling is painful

No matter how much water I drink (we are talking 3-4 litres a day) I still wake up at least 4 times every night coughing because my throat is so dry

I started sleeping on top of towels so my bed doesn’t get soaked from my night sweats

I decided on a hospital uniform – my fav GAP grey sweatpants & large quilted super cosy GAP jumper & NikexLiberty Air Max 90’s

Another 3 blood tests – 1 of which I had to tell a very fass phlebotomist about herself and that I do not need a husband nor define myself by the presence of a man & I still don’t know my blood type

A CT Scan – Yes you really do feel like you’ve pee’d yourself in your swimsuit and that cosy warmth stays with you for a couple seconds

A result appointments that only said more tests to come – Doc Turner didn’t seem too​ impressed to hear about my “I’m Dying” folder and whatever other snarky comments I  made

A bronchoscopy – My body was not happy about the invasion and started bucking like I was possessed and thus a punctured lung (more Grey’s Anatomy​y drama), I woke up, or more specifically, regained memory whilst in mid sentence to the nurse.

A week later – I found a bunch of druggie selfies and pics of bloody liquids [I assume came from me], and videos of my canula removal – no memory performing these actions and I doubt the nurse used my phone.

A PET Scan – preceded by a semi breakdown in the waiting room, it kicked off because they go my appointment times wrong, I was real tired and it was my 2nd day of fasting for a procedure. So a very unhappy Zara came to visit shouting for my doctor and threatening to start breaking things led to a coughing episode and was completed by my pee-ing myself while I’m trying to cuss them about their time fuck up. Eventually – they made me radioactive and I went home to my bed.

Ended that day with my cancelling an interview, receiving confirmation of 2 different job offers coming to my inbox within the next couple day and a late evening voicemail from Doc Turner “It’s good news – all things considered. I’ll see you on Monday and we’ll discuss treatment and long-term”

Well thank fuck for that! At least I don’t have to inject my self with poison. I can deal with that – and I can tell KB.

Monday 18th December – Final results appointment + diagnosis =

CONGRATULATIONS!! You’re a winner!!!

You only have a rare autoimmune disease that we don’t know much about but we can give you mood altering weight gaining steroids for symptoms but not much else. We don’t know what causes it, your symptoms can disappear as quickly as they appeared and never reappear, or you could get lung damage. You’ll have to come to the hospital once a month for a full workup.

BTW – how are your eyes feeling? Tired? Warm? Cause this could affect your eyes and your brain too.

Sarcoidosis is now your long time companion.

Gee! Thanks Doc Turner – you’re my hero.

Everything was made right literally in one afternoon, an afternoon where I felt so shitty, couldn’t catch my breath, breathing was painful and my constant coughing made me want to die.

I get to call my mother and tell her – it kinda went like this

[Me -ZB] Hey KB, so I have something to tell you. I quit my job on Halloween… [KB] Oh Shit man Zara! That was 2 months ago [ZB] yeah but I just had 2 offer conversations with 2 companies & I’ll decide on one of them later today, so the job situ is in hand. [KB] mmm hmmm [ZB] Annnnddd, I was being tested for Lung Cancer, Lymphoma & Sarcoidosis, but I only have Sarcoidosis. The best of the 3. [KB] What you saying? [ZB] {Long version as above} [KB] OK, well good thing you there and not here. You are my special child. First it’s your special mouth disease [that is another story – missing some jaw bone]

Ma asked some really good questions and we lime for a lil while on the Skype.

Hardest part done – So now, we sort shit out.

The job is decided on, I’m now the Head of People for a Games Company.

New Meds –

Getting my steroids via inhaler – straight to the lungs, minimise the side effects of steroids in the blood. I know the steroids would have given me a real reason to be fat but the mood swing business, I wasn’t really in the mood for nah!

More Codeine = more constipation – so increase on the prunes and keep on with the greens.

True Story – I’ve been on some form of codeine for the last month – A couple weeks ago, I’m sitting on my toilet for 20 minutes, my legs are numb and I’m crying with frustration cause really I’m a 36 yr old constipated woman, and all I want is for this shit to no longer be a turtle and become a drowned log. I have a coughing episode and all that shit comes barrelling out! The biggest most literal F-ough (fart+cough) that ever existed!! 

So now it’s the road to getting right, I have to be a bridesmaid in Court’s wedding and I’ve got 3 months to be able to breathe while I walk down her aisle.

I’m thrilled that I don’t have to tell my mother + sister that I have cancer at the same time of year we found out and lost my father to cancer.

I get to be on a special list for people with Special Diseases. I call it “exotic”.

I’ll lose the next 30lbs probably without much annoying exercise simply because I have to cut out all inflammatory foods and my body seems to be on that trajectory, once the vaporise steroids don’t get in the way.

And I get to learn more about this odd disease and I won’t be receiving a ridiculous hospital bill.

Everyone is now caught up and I wish you all a brilliant year and all the good things.

2018 is setting up to be a smash hit! I’m pretty excited.

Walk good

xoxo.​

I am a patient on House + Greys’ Anatomy First & most importantly - All my love and thanks to my family, who know how much/little to check in on me and not ask too many/too few questions - DeeDee, Tins, Curtis, Manon, Chants, Casey…

[bwicblog]

AH: ⋛⋋ it ⋌⋚ AH: ⋛⋋ is ⋌⋚ AH: ⋛⋋ TIME!!! ⋌⋚ AH: ⋛⋋ https://youtu.be/Woeao_ZLlR8?t=31 ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ ur welcome ⋌⋚

MN: thE fuck did .I just walk into

AH: ⋛⋋ magic. ⋌⋚

MN: that looks lEss likE magic and morE likE somEonE nEEds to lay off thE mEad

TT: shouldn'T you be busy (\/)rushing on your besT friend bird boy TT: lololoplololololololololo

AH: ⋛⋋ um???? excuse u???? ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ i dont have a crush on caelon thats dumb ⋌⋚

TT: you TT: heard TT: me TT: nerd TT: bird

TT: youre dumb

AH: ⋛⋋ ur dumb >:v ⋌⋚

TT: no you

AH: ⋛⋋ also MN u wouldnt recognize magic if it was right in front of ur nose ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ http://taimatrolls.tumblr.com/post/139073378698/edward-glock40-hands-finally-this-meme-gets-an ⋌⋚

MN: .I. rEcognizE thE magic of intErnEt mEmEs

AA: omgggg, that shit is classic.

AH: ⋛⋋ hell yeah!!! ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ finally. ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ someone who understands tru beauty ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ ;v; ⋌⋚

AA: y. only one flaw: therne's, like, zerno birnbs, dude.

AA: so lemme ftfy.

AA: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-TcLxlkc2pA

AH: ⋛⋋ dyhfcjfkg ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ lmao ron ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ like if u cry every time ⋌⋚

TC: Lemme smaaaaash

AH: ⋛⋋ no ron ;< ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ go find becky :/// ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ http://taimatrolls.tumblr.com/post/133649685023 ⋌⋚

TC: You wa~t sum fuk?

TT: This is The dumbesT sTuff ive seen and i've seen rikkin in person

AH: ⋛⋋ i guess u havent seen urself in the mirror lately then lmaooo ⋌⋚

TT: yeah i have and i am beauTiful

AH: ⋛⋋ (=v=) ⋌⋚

TT: even when i am asleep on sTarla's (\/)ou(\/)h i look fanTasTi(\/)

AH: ⋛⋋ so u dont mind if i post those snaps here then ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ (ov~) ⋌⋚

TT: i mean sure, i am jusT hoping ThaT you donT geT Too jealous

AH: ⋛⋋ why would i get jealous??????? ⋌⋚

TC: After~oo~ drama - ! love !t

TT: be(\/)ause i goT To be (\/)loser To sTarla Than you were able To geT To (\/)aelon duh

MN: oh .MY. god thE mEmE magic is too strong MN: no .I.m out .I. haVE to kick somEonEs ass byE

AH: ⋛⋋ ???? ⋌⋚

TC: OOOOOOHHHH

AH: ⋛⋋ what u cuddled her? ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ big deal ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ ive known her for sweeps n shes kinda cuddly to me too nerd lol ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ besides, why would i be jealous of u when i got a face like this just saying http://68.media.tumblr.com/40772c20bdf201449fb18ddc8d14d4de/tumblr_oatnerlI131sjachbo2_400.png ⋌⋚

TC: The gree~ o~e has a po!~t, they're adorable

AA: !!

AA: !!!!!!

TT: and i am adorable Too i am jusT Trying to find my phone

AA: omg, arne you the kid frnom the alley?? >:}

AH: ⋛⋋ (~vo) ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ ... ok first of im not a kid just bc im short!! im almost 8 ⋌⋚

TC: A small l!ttle w!ggler

AH: ⋛⋋ second of all idk??? who r u??? ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ ur just jealous im younger but still more beautiful ⋌⋚

AA: i am supern fucking wounded you obvs did not google my shit. like, supern supern wounded. like, knife thrnough the pumpbiscuit wounded.

TT: http://i.imgur.com/PoQgD4B.png TT: yeah i am sorry buT There is more Than one horse in This (\/)uTe ra(\/)e okay TT: and i am in The lead

AH: ⋛⋋ ???? ⋌⋚

AA: ~// HELLO CITICINS!!! \~ AA: ~// THE SPARK IN THE NIGHT HAS RETURNED AGAIN!!! \~

AA: ~// (Hi! Who are all of you? :D) \~

TC: Who the fuck

AH: ⋛⋋ i still win taskur get lost bye ⋌⋚

AA: siparna!! duh. AA: unless yrn anothern fluff topped grneenie. in which case, _lmao._

AH: ⋛⋋ and uhhh??? i mean i meet a lot of ppl in the alley- ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ OH ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ ITS U ⋌⋚

AH: ⋛⋋ :DDD :D :DD ⋌⋚

TT: hey (\/)an you guys shuT The fu(\/)k up and pay aTTenTion To me

AH: ⋛⋋ no ⋌⋚

AA: ~//I PAY ATTENTION WHEN I WANT TO PAY ATTENTION!!!\~

AH: ⋛⋋ and my name is rikkin uvu ⋌⋚

AA:~//Cool I'm Tallow :D \~

AA:~//Does anyone here like Supertroll\~

TT: i haTe all of you

AA: ~//Wildfire spots his newest archenemy\ ~ AA: ~// The likes of which can almost be compared to the aquatic atrocity \ ~

AA: see, i know a rmiccin, so I was like: nnnn that is T Ö T E S not the name, and AA: uH. >:}

AA: dnw, tt, i think the pupa likes you.

ID: let's pay even less attention to tt and pay attention to me.

TC: H! S!para

AA: ~//I'm not a pupa I'm 6 shut up\ ~

AH: ⋛⋋ omg ⋌⋚

TC: Go away Hadea~

ID: hmmm.... nah.

MD: Dude no that's still pupa age. AA: ~//Who asked you!!! >:C \ ~

AH: ⋛⋋ brb i gotta check on the food ⋌⋚

TT: ki(\/)ks dirT everywhere

TC: Gasps

AA: SDLKosdfhsdfkjf;sdf jldfskjlkjlkjlJ AA: sdlkjFSDLkAHAHAAHHHH AA: ~//THE VILLAIN HAS TRIED TO CUT OFF MY LINE TO MY ALLYS!!\ ~ AA: ~//THIS IS WHAT I MUST DEAL WITH IN MY HEROIC PURSUITS!!!\ ~ MD: Or you could try not playing dumb wriggler games in public chats MD: That works too

TT: (\/)hill

AA: arne we all rnoleplaying now?? AA: bc i'm outies, holy shit.

ID: as a guy wearing fairy wings right now.

TC: I roleplay that ! have a soda

ID: i can say you're all losers.

AA: ~//What \~ MD: What

TC: !s th!s how you do !t

AA: ... did you make a hat forn yrn lusus??

ID: no, asshole is getting enough love. people keep fucking feeding him.

AA: and n, n, you gotta say I DUMP THE CAN ON TC'S HEAD AA: duh.

ID: instead of me. it's a fucking travesty.

AA: they'rne feeding him and yrn not stealing the food??

AA: ~// Why are you a fairy? \ MD: Why are you wearing the wings in PUBLIC???

AA: wtf, it's like yrn not hungrny at all. f a K e.

ID: i don't eat hay sip.

ID: i'm fae as fuck right now.

ID: peeps keep asking me to make them wings though lol.

MD: Tallow I think we should lea:ve AA: ~// Why??? >:C \ MD: Because you're too little to hear about this AA: ~//AM NOT!!! \

TC: ! stop AA from dump!~g the ca~ o~ my head a~d the~ dump !t o~ the!r head

TC: Yay, we're roleplay!~g!

AA: ~// Wait what??? D: \ MD: Not you, dumbass.

AA: fucking success. see, we'rne prnos now. AA: beeteedubs, I totes meant TT. wtf all you peeps got TS for??

MD: Was any of that actual words.

TC: Do~'t make fu~ of S!para

MD: I'm not. MD: I'm asking what language Sipara is speaking.

ID: sip get to the faire already. =>:I

AD: oO hiiiii~ Oo

AD: oO it's looking very red in here today~ Oo

AA: I'm like an hourn out, fuck offffffff.

ID: red is best so.

AD: oO well red is very pretty so! Oo

AA: come out and fight these cullbait fucking drniverns so they'll stop drniving like they'rne petting theirn goddamn lusus with both hands, and, like, we will be therne S Ö Ö N E R. >:}

ID: tell them the fucking fairy prince will have their heads. =:P

AD: oO pfffft what Oo

AD: oO are you a fairy princess now Oo

ID: prince.

AA: n idk, ad, but you can lrnn2rnead orn stfungtfo, ikwim.

AA: >:P

AD: oO well i'd love to learn to read Oo AD: oO but i don't think you sound like a very good teacher! Oo

AD: oO but my sincere apologies for dishonoring the fairy prince Oo

AA: girnl, i am the best schoolfeed evern, soz. >:} AA: and yyy, good, will shout out abt the fairny prnince next time someone rnefuses to pass.

AA: strnike F E A RN in theirn H E A RN T S.

ID: on it.

AD: oO yes of course Oo AD: oO you cannot pass through this Oo AD: oO the court of the fairy prince Oo AD: oO who is really very scary! Oo

AD: oO may his sparkly powder sprinkles spell your demise Oo

ID: i feel like i'm being mocked. =:P

AD: oO of course not sir fae Oo

ID: good. because like. having fins is just as weird as having wings.

AD: oO hehe Oo AD: oO if you say so~ Oo

ID: totes did. is anyone here actually at the fair yet.

AA: phern is at the fairn alrneady, he got therne, like. yesternday?? AA: bc he does not believe in nornmal shit like S L E E P I N G.

AD: oO i just got here! Oo

ID: i'm having a hard time finding him. but then i haven't looked at a map. because stalls are distracting.

AA: his boytoy might be therne too, idefk. >:} uhh. prnobs the mossball.

AA: .. idk anyone else.

AA: call him!! AA: orn go chill with bubbles. strnangern dangern, whassat.

ID: i am having my stranger danger meter filled already, no bubbles needed.

SS: (I want it on record that texting and driving is, like, extra terrifying when its on a vehicle that definitely requires both hands to steer.) SS: (And on a totes unrelated note, I think Sipa might be anglin to kill us both! (\quq/) )

ID: what a way to go tho sip. i guesss i should call pheres. see what my getup is going to be.

AD: oO did you at least remember to wear your helmet Oo

TC: Psst Hadea~, what w!ll you be wear!~g there? ! wa~t to f!~d you so ! ca~ stuff po!so~ !vy dow~ your sh!rt

ID: that's implying i'll be wearing a shirt!

TC: Oh that makes th!~gs so much eas!er!

ID: =:P just enjoy the fucking faire and try to have fun for once.

ID: without hurting someone.

ID: you fucking weirdo.

TC: God ~o

AA: W E H A V E A R R I V E D.

ID: finally.

AA: don't sass me, brnah. therne was trnaffic. AA: and lal squalling in my flaps, A N D on my phone. AA: did you know he texted me to say, i was going2fast??

AA: like, stfu, stop starning at the speedometern and look at yrn damn phone. >:P

ID: i am all sass. i am the s a s s i e s t.

AA: n, soz, p surne that goes to prnisma.

ID: prisma isn't here to defend the crown so i rule. =>:P

AA: wherne you at, anyway?? AA: turns out i totes lied, btw, phern was off doing goth shit and not at his booth at A L L.

ID: no fucking wonder i couldn't find him. i'm at the shopping area.

SA: someone said my name.

SA: I woke up from my nap specifically becauseof this.

SA: I'm joking, my clairvoaynce is not that strong.

ID: are you at the fair yet?

AA: but is yrn clairavoyance??

AA: >:P

ID: i hope you didn't nap through your stop.

AA: .. how the fuck did you nap aftern drninking coffee??

AA: cappachino. w/e.

ID: maybe caffeine doesn't afect prisma too.

AA: i think he fell asleep again. so, like, obvs it doesn't. >:}

AA: orn else he needs to pourn morne down his chute.

SA: Sorry, I was unpacking. I am at my hotel now, actually.

SA: The caffiene only worked for so long.

SA: I will... change soon, and then I will go to the fair.

SA: Yes?

AA: yyyyyyyy.

[crabsticksforbreakfast]

Skiving Off

You know when you have one of those feelings that it’s going to be a good day? Well, quite often I get those feelings and then it all goes wrong. Today, however, totally lived up to expectations. I had a really good day.

The funny thing was, I didn’t sleep well last night because I was getting all anxious. My brain was doing that wonderful thing it so often does, where it tells me I NEED TO SAY/DO SOMETHING, and not only do I NEED TO SAY/DO SOMETHING, I need to say/do it RIGHT NOW!!! The trouble with that is, those kinds of impulses usually come in the middle of the night, when saying/doing something is either impossible or inadvisable. Last night’s thought was “You need to ask S2 to go out for another night out. Do it in person! Do it now!” Obviously, that was not going to happen, and I told myself so. It’s the middle of the night... I’m in my pyjamas... I’m not going to hop in my car and disturb him at this hour to ask something I could quite easily ask tomorrow. Once I had convinced myself of that, my mind went on to overthink exactly what I was going to say, which lead to worrying about the many ways it could go horribly wrong... What a fantastic night’s sleep!

After eventually getting some sleep, I woke up feeling foggy but determined to have a good day. I still had the niggling thought in the back of my mind that I NEEDED TO SAY/DO SOMETHING, but I managed to quiet it with the assurance that I would, if the right moment arrived. For some reason, I just had a good feeling about the day, and wanted to make the best of it. I put on a really pretty dress, did my hair up, and put a bit more effort into my makeup than usual. I wanted to look good so I could hopefully knock S2 off his feet.

I got into work and went up to join S2 and Diva for the exam. Twin was there and already chatting to S2. I know in my heart of hearts that there is no romance between them, but I always get a little jealous when they’re talking. The other problem was, S2 was definitely in we-need-to-get-this-exam-set-up mode, meaning my dress failed to make any kind of impact. Oh well!

The exam got underway, but unfortunately, I had to sit next to a boy, so I couldn’t have my usual banter with S2 during it. However, it was just nice to be in the same room as him. I was watching him as he paced around the room and it occurred to me that I needed overthink and give myself deadlines for what to say and what I want to achieve. I just enjoy being around him, so I should just allow myself to bask in this experience and let things happen, as they would, surely, if it was really meant to be.

After the exam, S2 and I began to talk, pretty much as soon as we got the chance. I pulled up a seat in front of him and we disappeared into our own world, until the first aid phone rang. S2 answered it, and looked a bit unsure of what he was hearing. Once he hung up, things became clear. He’d been asked to go downstairs and administer a boy’s medicine as the usual person who does it wasn’t around. I told S2 he couldn’t do it, not in a bossy way, of course. To administer medicine, you have to have specific training, and neither him nor I have it. If he went down and did it, he’d be in serious trouble. S2 seemed pretty nervous about it all and asked if I would come down with him to deal with the situation. Of course, I was happy to oblige. I asked Diva on the way out what we should do, and she advised us to find another member of staff who actually is trained. To my pleasant surprise, S2 still wanted me to tag along, so off we went on our mission.

As we were heading down the corridor to find the person in question, the lady who made the call saw us and brashly shouted down the corridor behind us, “Are you First Aid?” S2 nervously tried to explain the situation, and was clearly struggling, so I stepped in and matter-of-factly explained about the medical training and that we were going to find someone who was qualified to help the boy. I don’t know why S2 found this so difficult to handle. I’ve never seen him struggle so much with a situation. It was like he was scared to say no to doing the job, even though he had a very valid excuse. I felt like I was his security blanket in a way. Of course, I had no problem with this. If there is anything I can do, no matter what the situation, to help him and make him feel more at ease, I’ll do it.

As soon as the medicine situation was resolved, we saw that there was a long line of kids waiting to see First Aid. We took them down to the room and ploughed through them one by one. It was quite fun in a way; S2 and I were both trying to get equipment out of the same small cabinet, write in the same book with the same pen, all at the same time, so there were a few moments when we got a little up close and personal. And we were having a bit of a giggle too. S2 made a few silly jokes, and I always had a witty comeback. I normally find First Aid duty mindnumbingly dull, but today, I bloody loved it!

Once we’d got through the queue, we went off to clear up the rest of the exam room. On the way, we bumped into TBO. It was a strange experience. A part of me is still stuck in must-not-let-TBO-see-me-with-other-men mode, so I had a little internal panic. I tried my best to mask my panic with a cheesy grin and a cheerful greeting. TBO quickly glanced at us both, then returned my smile and greeting. He then greeted S2 in an equally pleasant manner. It’s hard to explain why, but it almost felt like he was giving us his blessing, in a way. The way he smiled at us, with not a hint of jealousy or sadness, made me feel like he was happy for me. He saw us together before Christmas, when he walked in on us watching silly YouTube videos, and although he initially looked shocked and a little bit sad, I felt the same then - he was happy for me. If that is the case, I’m glad. The thing that worried me the most about moving on from TBO was that he would be hurt by it - that it would send him into some kind of depressive spiral, knowing he’d lost the person who loved him more than anyone else in the world... Although that would have been great for my ego, it would have played havoc with my conscience. I still love TBO and I always will, perhaps not as I did before, but for the memories and friendship we had. I want him to be happy, and for him to be happy with me.

S2 and I picked up the last few things from the exam room to take back to our room, and on the way, S2 joked that we should get a cup of tea - as we learnt in our First Aid training, “brew up, talk up”! Neither of us wanted to go to our class, so we decided to skip it together. We had to go to the staff room to get our tea as Firebrand was in our room with some kids. Once we’d made our drinks, S2 had a crisis of confidence and decided we should go back to class to check on our students. I gave him a look as if to say “do we have to?” but he persisted. I love S2 to bits, but his by-the-book side takes the fun out of things sometimes. I’d have loved to spend that last ten minutes of the lesson hanging out with him, but he just had to do “the right thing”. Oh well!

I only got to see S2 a little after that. He came into our room at the end of lunch as I was by myself. “Have you been sitting here by yourself?” he asked. Sorrow had only just left, so I told him so. I got the sense that he might have wondered why, if I had been all alone, I hadn’t gone along to find him for some company. If I had been alone, I would have. Maybe I should go along there one day anyway... Hmmm... Then, everyone else came along, and it wasn’t quite so easy to chat. Off he went and that was the last I saw of him for the rest of the day.