#I wish other ppl in my class would step up and be willing to learn to actually run it

[fuck-kirk]

I’ve been awake for 38 hours. It is BED time.

[cyheidi]

2020.12.29

This year, i would like to conclude my life a bit. Please bear with me, this post will be a bit random.... not organized... cos i just wanna write out all my thoughts and emotions...

This year 2020, has been a brand new year for me. I have experienced a lot of new things. And get to know myself a bit more.

Things i have learnt:

1. Take care of myself

I want to keep work out my body. I will never give up on myself. Having a better body shape that i like really helps boost my confidence. This is also a way to put myself together to embrace new challenges.

2. Learn how to do finance

I dont have a concept of money all my life. I dont care about financing. Cos i think im quite content in what i have now. However a person just kept telling me that if i dont manage my money, it will depreciate at last, which is very true i admit. So this year i bought my first stock from market. And will continue to invest wisely in the future. But he did taught me the importance of money.

3. Keep my own interest despite the busy life

‘Im busy’ its just an excuse on not doing things that we are supposed to be doing. Every week, i would enroll a class in classpass to enjoy weekly ‘me’ time. This help to destress myself a lot and find my own mental balance. I will keep on being curious in life. Will not stop on experiencing and trying out new things! Nothing can stop me from being a better me and learn more things in life.

4. Ppl come and go, you have to love yourself

This year i met a guy, i have put myself in a very low position. Cos this is my first time of dating.... please bear with me.. i know you wanna beat me up by listening to my story... i would priorize him before anything. Before, i promise that i wont ditch my friends for a guy, but i did at the end.. i feel really disppointed by myself. Often, i would wait for his schedule, see how my schedule could fit in his. Everytime he said he had headache, i would google to find ways hoping to help him relieve the pain.. i would buy him health products to boost his immune system... i would go on google on ways how to be a better girlfriend. But unfortuntely, seems he doesnt care about me. I know he hates talking on phone, but i cannot type much when i got an issue. I just wanna burst it out... he would ignore my calls and refuse to call me back. Sometime he does call back, i feel over the moon. His work schedule and mine are very different. He works overnight and i work in a very normal and standard working hours. I would try all my best to spare time to meet him. Cos i miss him a lot. Yes, he can easily cheer me up with those little acts.. im weak and beatable... he would say things like, i think we have no future, you deserve a better man, im tired of having a stable relationship.... out of the blue, that hurts... he is not willing to commit in a relationship and thinks he has to promise sth to a girl before moving on to the 2nd year of relationship. I didnt ask for things that is dramatic. I just want a relationship which we are exclusive to each other. Which he would care about me, squeeze time for me from his tight schedule.. thats it. He seems cold and would ignore me.. that is frustrating to me. I didnt force him on anything or promise me on anything. I didnt think of future at this moment. No one knows about what would happen next, just enjoy this moment right here right now. Am i too naive? Cos i know finding a person that likes me and i like him back its not an easy thing at all.. so i cherish this relationship a lot. But his act, just made me feel like he just wanna step back. He would move forward one step, and step back for 1.5 steps. I feel distressed about it.. nevertheless, this is a official first time, i wanna thank the experience that he gave me, and the time being with me, i have grown up to know myself a bit better and know what kind of relationship will suit me. I think all couples should get to know the love language of his or her partner. So you would know how to appeal and make your partner happy and feel loved, which is very important. Im a very touchy person. I enjoy physical touch and quality time. Im an affectionate person. This is who i am. I hope i can find a person whom we can grow together, learn new things and conquer all challenges together. Isnt that hard?

5. Dont afraid to step out of comfort zone

Career wise, i would like to change field and try out new company. I hope to get a postion with higher salary and a team that is more engaging and welcome new ideas. Wish me luck and all the best guys :)

xoxo

Heidi

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.