#I wish I had a hard copy of this to highlight and annotate and then give back to you to show you just how much I love this

[nectardaddy]

everyone needs to read this right mf now! PLEASE!

try again

part 0.4. NEXT TIME

"the playground seemed so big when they were younger. and now they’re here again, 10 years later, and it looks small. their world is bigger than just this playset now. the metal that forms the foundation of the structure is still a shiny, vibrant red, but the cracked, faded plastic shows its age. where has time gone? 'who are you now?' she wants to ask. as a kid, time goes by slowly, and you tell your parents you can’t wait to grow old. they tell you to enjoy your childhood, but you never believe them. and even now, she’s not sure she does. she's not old, but old enough to know time goes by fast. since their meeting in her office, she’s reflected more on how she’s grown up. she doesn’t miss her childhood– she likes the freedom that has come with adulthood, but at the same time, it’s slowly weighing her down. she’s old enough, that she can no longer spend her summers relaxed in a quiet house, laying in bed all day with the door open while both her parents are at work. she can't spend the nights stretched out on her back, against wet, dewy grass, looking at the stars with him while staining her favorite shirt. now she has responsibilities to take care of every day, and any little mistake can no longer be taken back. she’s an adult now, and no one is there to pick her up when she falls."

content warnings + notes: calling atsumu a little cupid whore (/lh), drinking, y/n is having a crisis, pay attention to unsent messages :) very long written part... oops </3

she downs the last of her glass in one go. 

it’s cheap whiskey, and she hates the taste. it’s probably the worst she’s ever had, but the burn down her throat is a little pleasant. 

completely going against her plan to drink something light, she decided she would need some liquid courage if she was going to do this. her hands are splayed across the cold bar counter as she stands from her chair, mind buzzing a little as she grounds herself. 

akaashi doesn’t notice her absence in his drunken state, but iwaizumi does. kita looks up as well, but remains seated, keeping akaashi company after nodding to iwaizumi who stands up.

“where are you going?” he asks following her out of the bar, pushing past a few groups of people in their way. he's not asking it like he's accusing her of anything, he just sounds concerned.

but he doesn’t need to worry, and she faces him as they make it out. “going to see omi,” she practically sings the answer, her voice careless as the nickname spills out of her mouth before she even realizes it. it comes too naturally to her, and the thought ruins the nice numbness in her veins from the alcohol. instead, she starts to feel the guilt build up again.

iwaizumi still stands in front of her, arms crossed, matching her own stance. “you’re going to see sakusa?” he repeats, brows raised.

“mhm,” she hums, shifting from one foot to the other. her shoes are starting to bother her, too. she'll probably take them off as soon as iwaizumi lets her go.

“where?”

she sighs, starting to feel restless just standing there. the warm lights and ruckus from inside the bar invite her back in, and so does the pull she feels in the opposite direction down the street, where she'll see him. “an old park, can i go?”

“no, hold on,” he stops her before she can even take a step, “you’re going to go meet a man you haven’t talked to in years after a single interaction at a park this late at night?”

“yes?” she quirks a brow at him, “it’s an old park we used to go to a lot. it’s not far from here and i know him. i’ll be okay.”

“i’m not saying sakusa’s going to do anything to you, but i’m not letting you walk there alone. especially when you’ve been drinking. let me make sure you get there safely and then i’ll leave you, deal?” he proposes, and she sees how much he cares in his eyes. they’re a pretty olive green and despite how sharp they are, there’s so much love in them. it reminds her of her own eyes, and how she feels when she looks at sakusa; her head starts to panic in alarm and get defensive, but at the same time, her heart slows down, as if telling her he's safe.

she knows iwaizumi makes a good point, and there’s nothing wrong with having a little extra safety, or a human purse. “fine,” she sighs, “but only if you hold my shoes.”

their walk to the park is silent, but it’s a peaceful silence. she’s walking next to him barefoot, feeling even shorter than before. he questions her a few times, to make sure she actually knows where she’s going, and she insists that she does. she’s had a little bit to drink, yes, but she’s not drunk. and she's confident she could still find her way to this park blindfolded. she’s walked these sidewalks hundreds of times, ran to this park from every direction and route possible. it was always their spot, whether they lay in the wet grass or sat on the playset. the memories of being with him back then make her feel a little grim, and iwaizumi looks down at her, noticing.

“you okay?” he asks, nudging her shoulder closest to him with his arm.

“yeah,” she sighs, watching the way her shoes clank against each other in his hand with every step they take.

“what’re you thinking?” he asks, still looking down at her and she looks back up at him.

“i just don’t know what i’m doing,” she says, trying to voice her feelings while she turns to stare back ahead of them. “what are we gonna do? what does he like doing now? what if i’ve changed and he doesn’t like who i am anymore? i'm so scared of disappointing him.”

“you’re good enough as you are, y/n,” he silences her and she glances back at him in surprise. “don’t let a man change how you see yourself. you’re good as you are, and if he doesn’t think so, he can fuck off. there's no such thing as an expectation or a right way for you to act. he’s probably changed too, and that’s just how people work. did he text you or did you text him?”

she gives him a smile at his words, nudging him back with her shoulder as a way of thanking him, “he texted me.”

he gives her a grin at that, “he texted you? asking to see you?” when she nods he continues, "damn that's ballsy. he really wants you, y/n. and i hope he's a good person. i’ve seen him around and worked a little bit with him, he seems alright.”  

she flusters a little bit at his words, “i’m sure it’s not like that. we just used to be very good friends, you know that. i’ve never stopped missing him, maybe he felt a little bit of the same way.”

he nods at her words, giving a hum in thought. they’re walking along the fence that’s been set up around the park, and she can see the entrance coming up, where a lone lamp post is lighting the way. “but you want him, don’t you?”

she knows he’s asking it in a romantic sense, and she does. she knows what she feels for him is more than just friendly, and she’s felt stupid for never being able to fall in love with anyone else because she’s been stuck on him this entire time. “i’m happy with anything,” she decides to say, “if we start hanging out again, that��s enough for me. i just want him to be a part of my life.”

they stop at the park entrance, and she can see the playset from here, just a bit down the path. “do you want me to walk you there? or are you’re fine from here? i think the walk helped you sober up a little bit, so i feel better about leaving you here now. just make sure you text me if you feel even slightly off, got it?”

“got it!” she responds with a smile, giving him a small salute as a joke. “thank you for walking me here, iwa. i'll be fine on my own now and i’ll text you when i'm walking home.”

he rolls his eyes at the salute but gives her a smile, “sounds good. i’ll check in with you then as well. i might come meet you halfway or who knows, maybe your guy will want to walk you home?”

he’s giving her another shitty grin that she’d like to slap off his face, and it’s her turn to roll her eyes, “whatever, iwa. see you in a little bit.”

she pulls him into a hug, trying to tell him all her feelings at once, thanking him for his advice and for walking her here, and he’s quick to reciprocate it, rubbing her back for a second before they pull away. he gives her her shoes and waves her off, making sure she steps onto the playground before he leaves, and she sees him.

tonight, it seems they’ll be sitting on the top of the playset, above a tube that connects one platform to another. she steps up onto one of the platforms first, dropping her shoes on it before clambering on top of the structure.

he offers her a hand after watching her (probably ungraceful) climb which she hesitates to take for a second. her heart feels like it's trying to escape her chest as she takes it, the contact sending chills along her skin.

“hi,” she whispers after she's sat down, stealing a glance at him, unsure of where to start.

“hi,” he says back, already looking at her. he looks better than when she saw him last, but perhaps that's just because today has been better for him. there are still bags under his eyes that she can see despite the lack of light around them, but she can also see that his eyes look brighter today. she wants to mention it, say she’s glad to see that he looks like he's doing well today, but she shouldn’t. it’s too early–

“you look good today.”

the words spill out of her mouth and she immediately slaps a hand over it. she had drank more after texting him purposefully, knowing that it would mess with her ability to reason and this was the consequence, although she wasn't sure yet if it was a positive or negative one.

he laughs in response, giving her a small smile that she hasn’t seen in years. she missed seeing it; she missed him.

“thank you,” he says, holding her gaze and she’s unable to look away, “you look good too. although maybe a little drunk.”

her cheeks are burning red and she feels hot despite the fact that she was practically shivering the entire way here, latching onto iwaizumi and his body heat. “no i– well– yes, i have been drinking but i didn’t mean it that way– i mean you do look good–” she has to take a deep breath, trying to calm herself down, “i meant you look happier today, sorry.”

he’s still looking at her, smiling. and maybe it’s a tiny bit bigger than it was before, and she smiles back.

she has no idea it’s because of her–that he seems happier today. he’s only just found her again after so many years apart, and yet he’s glad she’s in his life again. this is only the second time they’ve seen each other after so long, and she’s already had this big of an impact on him. and maybe it was due to atsumu’s influence, and the way that he kept bringing her up, and how it had been their entire conversation over dinner, but he didn’t really care. he was happy to be talking about her again, and to see her again. they had been so close, and it felt strangely nostalgic whenever he saw her, as if he was a child again, tossing and turning on a bed stand, sick to his stomach for home.

but he had been homesick for her this entire time, and he didn’t want to talk about her as if their time together had passed; he wanted to be close to her again. but only if she let him: “that guy you came here with, are you guys–”

“oh, no no no,” she immediately cuts him off, shaking her head before he gets the wrong idea. “he’s just a friend. my roommates and i went out to dinner today and then we went drinking. he just didn’t want me to walk here alone.”

he nods, feeling strangely relieved to hear that. “i just came from eating out with my roommates, too. i cut it short because one of them was being annoying.”

she hums in thought, a smile breaking out on her face, “hm, that can’t possibly be atsumu, can it?”

he can’t even joke back, just rolls his eyes with a sigh at the mention of his friend.

“i just texted him earlier tonight. finally scolded him for setting up that entire meeting between us. i mean– who even thinks to do something like that?”

“just him. he’s got one brain cell working for him and it’s got a funny way of working,” sakusa responds, looking forward to the field in front of them. they used to spin around on that field, trying to stay standing the longest before they both fell onto wet grass, too dizzy to keep standing. “i think it worked out nice, but there were definitely other ways he could have planned that out.”

she can’t help but look at him, slightly surprised. so he was happy to see her? perhaps she should’ve understood that by now; here they were sitting side by side on an old playset. “yeah, it did,” she can’t help but say, not even thinking twice about agreeing with him. “and if you don’t mind me bringing it up, do you think you will come back for a second meeting? i was just wondering.”

“yeah, i’m thinking about it,” he answers, still not looking at her, and she thinks maybe she shouldn’t have asked the question. she’s brought the topic of conversation back to her job, and reminded herself of everything she shouldn’t be doing right now. she shouldn’t be doing any of this. she’s looking forward to seeing him in her office again, but she shouldn’t. she should be treating him as a client, not as an old face or a silly old crush. and she shouldn’t be seeing him outside of the office; it ruins that professional relationship she should be trying to maintain. she's giving into him too easily, even after he had been the one to accuse her of something hurtful upon their first words to each other in years.

a particularly cold wind blows through and she shivers, breathing in sharply as her shoulders raise towards her ears on instinct, trying to protect them from the cold. in her defense, she hadn't foreseen sitting on a playset in the middle of the night today and had not dressed accordingly.

“are you cold?” he asks, hand already reaching towards the open black jacket he was wearing, a plain white shirt underneath.

she’s looking at him, face completely blank. her mind is so far gone, thinking about countless other things, including every single way this interaction could go. ‘what was she even doing here? why did she agree to come?’ the moment he texted her she put up little to no resistance. she lasted one text, trying to set up a boundary between them to prevent herself from getting hurt and then completely dropped it. how could he be so casual about seeing her again? was their friendship something shallow to him? something he could easily replace or come back to?

he’s saying her name, and her mind returns to the boy in front of her, blinking twice before responding, “sorry. i was just thinking about something. i’m fine. you don’t need to give me your jacket or anything.”

“but if i want to?” he asks and this is where she failed last time, and will fail again, and will always fail, because she can never resist him.

“i–”

the jacket is already around her shoulders before she knows it. it’s warm, and the weight of it on top of her shoulders is comforting. the smell of him is enveloping all of her senses and her entire mind, and she squeezes her eyes shut, trying to focus on anything but it.

it was simple, and really not that heavy or distinctive of a smell. just clean clothes–his detergent, and maybe a hint of lemon or lavender. it was easy to get used to, and it had become familiar to her after being around him so long in the past, but she hadn’t smelled it in so long, she felt like she was suffocating now. with the smell came so many memories associated with him, and it took everything in her not to let out a shaky breath, giving away her emotions.

he didn’t know what to say, looking at her. her chin was resting on top of her knees, pulled up close against her chest, and her eyes were closed, brows furrowed as if she was trying desperately to hold something in. had he come off too strongly? he liked to think he still knew her, could read her mind, tell when she was cold, and when she needed something, but maybe he was wrong, or just moving too fast. maybe she didn’t feel the same way, and didn’t want to be friends again.

“thanks,” she murmurs finally, eyes opening again, although she’s staring at the ground below them, and he’s unsure of where to look–at her, or the ground as well.

“yeah,” he replies, and the conversation falls quiet between them again.

it’s almost comfortable between them. it would be if she wasn't feeling like she was ruining everything and only digging herself a bigger hole. maybe they went quiet because he was sick of her now, and regretted asking to see her. and should she even care or not? should she get up and leave right now? what was the right thing to do right now, objectively? not what was right according to her heart, but according to her head?

she should be keeping her distance from him, not allowing him to get closer, giving him the chance to hurt her again. he had let them get distant, she reminded herself. he had let their friendship crumble without saying a word, he didn’t see her the way she saw him, and she couldn’t rely on him to be there for her.

“how are you?” he breaks the silence, and the question sets off every nerve in her body. it’s like her mind is being torn in two, trying to find an answer to the simple question. it’s not really that simple– he’s asking it, referring to the last 10 years of her life, and he’s asking her to be vulnerable and share about herself, and she can’t do that.

“don’t do that to me,” she says, shutting her eyes again.

“do what?” he’s looking at her, at his jacket draped around her shoulders, and shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to hold himself back from reaching out to fix her hair, which has been slightly caught underneath the jacket. 

she lets out a heavy, quiet breath, “don’t ask me that– like you care.”

“i do care,” he responds immediately, and she’s sure if she looked up at him, he’d be looking at her. but if she looks at him, she’ll break.

“we shouldn’t be doing this. we can’t be doing this. i shouldn’t be seeing you outside of my office. i listened to you talk about your struggles for an hour that you would've otherwise paid for if it wasn't the first meeting. you can’t turn around and ask how i am for free. that’s not fair. we should be nothing more than a therapist and a client. it’s easier for me to look at you that way because–” her voice gets caught in her throat for a second as she tries to talk confidently, but her voice gives away her feelings. she sounds like she’s on the verge of tears before they even reach her eyes, but she blinks through them, “because i look at you and still see what we used to be. but so much happened between us, and then you left, and that still hurts.”

‘then will you let me make it up to you? then can we go back to what we were before? and can we be more?’ the words are heavy in his head, and too forward to say out loud, but he has to say something. he has to say something now because he didn’t say anything back then.

he had always assumed that she had just been disappearing from his life altogether–from his notifications, the school hallways, and his walks home, but he realized now she had done that on purpose. she had purposely removed herself from his life so they would never see each other, and he had never stopped her. of course she hadn’t believed him, when he had said it was good to see her in her office, and of course she hadn’t fully understood what his ulterior motives were when he texted her out of the blue about wanting to see her again, because he had never showed how much he cared back then. but he had to tell her now that she was worth everything.

“i don’t mind paying it,” he ends up saying, and finally gets her to look at him, “i don’t mind paying to see you for an hour. i’d pay to be around you anyday, especially if you’re going to refuse to see me anywhere else, then i’ll just force you to put up with me for an hour every week.”

she laughs with a shake of her head, “you’re not forcing me to see you. i want to see you outside of that time…i just–i shouldn’t.”

“why not?” he can’t help but ask. “you’re still friends with atsumu, too. you text him outside of your appointments all the time.”

“yes but–” i like you more than a friend. hell, i’ve been in love with you for the past 10 years of my life. actually, probably for even longer, but who’s even counting at this point– she takes a deep breath again. she should leave soon, and think about this. she’s going to end up letting him convince her if she keeps listening to him, “maybe next time. i’ll tell you how i’ve been next time, okay?”

she’s giving him a next time, and he’ll take whatever he can get. they can start slow again. being her client is like being her acquaintance. people are always acquaintances before they’re friends; they can grow from here.

"when is next time?" he responds quickly, realizing it sounds like she’s going to stand up and leave soon, but he's not losing sight of her again.

she avoids looking at him, keeping her knees are pulled to her chest as she picks at the worn-down plastic of the playground tube they're sitting on, "i don't know, sakusa. i really need time to think about all of this. i don’t know what i’m doing here, or why i showed up tonight.”

her words feel like a burn in his lungs, but even when his sides are aching on his morning runs, he keeps going. "but you showed up anyway."

she finally looks at him, and he swears he could get lost in her eyes forever. he can’t believe he went through their entire friendship without telling her how beautiful she was, in every single way. he can’t believe he ever let go of her. perhaps that cliche saying was true, that you never know how important something really is until you lose it.

"i did," she echoes, continuing to stare into his own eyes.

"are you going to leave?" he asks, unable to look away.

she looks back down at the threads of green plastic she was pulling at, and his eyes follow. they used to meet at this playset all the time. during the summer, when she’d sleep over, they’d stay up until three in the morning, and then she’d nudge him about sneaking out. he used to worry about what would happen if his parents checked on them and saw that they were gone if they sneaked out, but she always ended up convincing him in the end. they rarely fought or had disagreements. with enough talking, they always managed to persuade the other to agree with them.

“i am. because we both need time to think. you need to think about if you’re going to see me again for therapy and i just need to think. about everything," she replies, and he watches her grab the edge of the tube, steadying herself as she moves to stand before he slides himself off the tube onto the ground below. it’s not that far of a drop for him now, although it was the scariest drop ever as a kid. now he stands eye level with most of the playset, but she's looking at him like it's still that big of a fall, mouth slightly agape in surprise.

“i’ll help you down,” he says with a smile and she blinks.

“no, i’m fine–” her words die out as he looks at her, brows raised in expectancy. this is what he meant: they were always able to push the other to do something, no matter how much they tried to resist in the beginning.

she lets out a sigh, trying to buy time as she fixes her skirt, preparing herself to slip off the tube. it really shouldn't be that scary, but she exclaims as she drops, barely registering the hands on the sides of her waist that catch her while her own clamp down on his shoulders.

her face is red as he lowers her down gently to the ground. whether it’s from the embarrassing noise she let out or the fact that he caught her, she’s not sure. maybe it’s both. even when he lets go of her, she can feel his hands on her still, as if they've been permanently etched into her skin. he’s looking down at her, and there’s a hint of playfulness in his eyes and the smile on his lips. he's too close to her, and she can't stop looking at his lips so she looks down at the ground instead, clutching at the jacket around her shoulders before she remembers it’s not hers.

“oh, here’s your jacket back,” she starts, moving to take off the piece of clothing before he stops her with a hand over he own.

“you can keep it for a little longer if you– if you let me walk you home,” he says, on the verge of losing all of his confidence, but he just can’t let go of her. he doesn't want to watch her leave, but he knows she needs a break.

she looks up at him, feeling like her lips are quivering with how nervous and flustered she feels, “you don’t have to do that, really. i can walk home by myself.”

“but if i want to?”

it’s a repeat of a conversation they had earlier, because she can never give him a complete no, and he always knows to take that as a yes.

she’s ruining everything she’s trying to do for herself right now. she’s trying to set a boundary between them, and horribly failing. because what if he walks her home, and he happens to live nearby again? what if they start to see each other more often? or worst of all, what if he ends up leaving again?

well what if he doesn’t?

oh, whatever.

fuck the what ifs.

they can try again.

.

.

.

"it's gonna rain soon / and pull me back in.

"i had the words / you thought a hundred times

"oh darlin' / will you still walk me back home?'"

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extras <3

not really any extras! i just hope u enjoyed <3 and that this chapter was good and not too long or just a bunch of rambles!! i had like three ideas i had randomly wrote down and then just copied and pasted into this chapter and was trying to make them all fit 😭

IWAIZUMI AND Y/N HAVE A PLATONIC SIBLING-TYPE RELATIONSHIP!!! JUST MAKING THAT CLEAR also i'm a sucker for iwaizumi but that's besides the point

omi just kind of got up and left at some point during dinner when atsumu got tipsy and started talking to shoyo and bo. he said goodbye to osamu and then left

they all have each other's locations anyway and shoyo and bokuto trust him to know what he's doing

kita, akaashi, and iwa ended up going home soon after iwa got back from walking y/n to the park and then he and kita stayed up all night waiting for her to come home while akaashi was passed out <3

this fic lowkey goes a little bit off the rails!! but hopefully u guys enjoy it <33

AND I KEEP FORGETTING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS I'VE KIND OF LOST IT NOW!! but y/n's pfp is a pufferfish because they symbolize protecting yourself and setting boundaries <3 interpret that as u will

taglist: @eggyrocks @wyrcan @guitarstringed-scars @strawberryuri @violetesensou @kakeru-eem @glmge @heytheredemonsss @mollyrolls @bemebiu @daszy @snail-squasher @0moonii @thiisisntlovely @todorokiskitten @rory-cakes @iiwaijime @iatethemochi @yuminako @savemebrazilhinata @kismyscars @bokutoko @nobodybutnnoorr @wolffmaiden @daisy-room @softpia @lees-chaotic-brain @v3nusplanetofluv @crispchocolates @phoenix-eclipses @hhoneyhan @encrypta @rockleeisbaeeee @cr4yolaas @zombriesworld @localgaytrainwreck @moucheslove @hibernatinghamster @notverymarley @certaindreampost @akaakeis @ciderscape @lucien-luna @strawbrinkofdeath @wave2mia @samuel1004 @01trickster10 @dazqa @cosmiicdust @chemiru

[striveattemptfail]

Football Vs. Husband: Which Do You Know Better? | Zimbits ft. Tater, G, 1.8k

Summary: Bitty gets quizzed on two of his favourite things: Jack and...... football?

Based on the Buzzfeed video of the same name. Takes place sometime in Sept-Oct 2019. Minor spoilers for 4.25 Faber and 4.26 Check, Please! (If you can call em spoilers LOL.)

Read on Ao3

A/N: Fun fact: At the time I wrote this (2017), it was set in the “future” (2019), but now that year is literally the past for us hahahahahahskfjasldfjasldfjklaskdfj. In the fic summary I say “minor spoilers” because what I originally wrote as wish fulfillment in 2017 became canon in 2020.

Anyway, this is a near verbatim copy of Ned Fulmer getting quizzed on his wife vs football—like fr some of the dialogue is exactly the same LOL. Thanks to @smol0ctopus​ for the beta and the omg stream! please server for advice!<3 Any other mistakes are mine.

YouTube transcript of Football Vs. Husband (Check, Please! #151: A Falconers Special!) [Descriptive captions by biittyyreciipees, airhockeycanbeviolent, and f4lcsboy: Check, Please! Captioning Team]

Eric Hey, y’all! Didja miss me? Because I sure did miss you! Now, today’s video is a lil special. Y’all’ll see that I’ve got myself some lovely guests here from Providence’s own Falconers team. (gestures towards Jack and Tater) Say hi guys!

Tater (waves) Hi!

Jack (single nod, smiles) Hello.

Eric I’ve got here regular guest and my husband, Jack Zimermann, and his teammate, Alexei Mashkov—

Tater But you call me Tater!

Eric (laughs) But we call him Tater! Tater, why don’t you explain what’ll happen here today?

Tater Is collaboration with Falcs TV! We had special tournament to see if players knows their SOAPs more than favorite thing.

ONSCREEN CAPTION SOAPs = Significant Others And Partners, for all y’all non-hockey fans out there! Click here (highlighted annotation inserted) to watch the tournament on the Falconer’s official website or check this video’s description!

Eric I had me such a great time over on Falcs TV with Jack that I wanted to share the fun with y’all here!

Tater (nods) Zimmboni crush everyone in tournament!

ONSCREEN CAPTION “Zimmboni” is Jack’s hockey nickname, like “Tater” is for Alexei. Everyone on the team has one! In fact, I have one too: Bitty! But Alexei likes to call me “B”.

Jack (shrugs, gives small smile) I know history. I know my husband.

Eric (laughs, blushes)

Tater Now, is time to see if B know Zimmboni just as much!

Eric I’m feelin’ pretty confident that I do. What do you think, sweetpea?

Jack I think Bits knows me better than myself, to be honest.

Eric Jack! (blushing again)

Tater Yes, yes, is very cute! But I’m want to ask questions now, yes?

Eric (turns to camera) Now, I tried to get ‘em to quiz me on baking—because y’all and your mama know that I love it—but Jack here insisted that I get asked about football instead.

Jack Baking’s too easy. I figured you’d appreciate the challenge. You know a lot about American football, eh?

Eric (rolls eyes) “American football”—I know y’all in Canada just call it football too! Now, I’d argue, but that’ll take up the rest of this video, so I guess it’s time to get to the quiz!

Tater Yes!

(video transition with dramatic music)

Tater (holds up stack of cards in hands) Here, I’m hold questions about NFL and college football, plus questions about Zimmboni for B to answer. Like during Falcs’ tournament, I’m ask SOAP about their favorite subject first, then ask about their partner. B, is ready?

Eric As I’ll ever be!

Jack Gonna crush it, Bits.

Eric Let’s hope so, sweetheart.

Tater Will be good, B, I’m sure! Question one, name five offensive positions in the NFL.

Eric Lord, how easy—quarterback, running back, wide receiver, offensive tackle, tight end.

ONSCREEN CAPTION Score: 5/5

Tater See, B! You be fine! Name five of Zimmboni’s favourite foods.

Eric Ooh, alright. So PB&J sandwiches, chicken tenders... scrambled eggs, uh, cassoulet... (Caption Note: French food pronunciation is not butchered, because food)

ONSCREEN CAPTION Score: 4/5

Tater One more, B.

Eric Hm, let’s see—

Tater (snickers) Remember this easiest question in stack.

Eric Oh, hush, you.

Jack Bits? Maybe a dessert?

Eric (hits head with base of palm) Oh, goodness me, right! Maple sugar crusted apple pie.

ONSCREEN CAPTION Score: 5/5

Tater (nods) Yes. Okay, how many minutes in football quarter?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: Quarters in the NFL and NCAA football are 15 minutes.

Eric 15 minutes.

Tater How long is Zimmboni’s pre-game ritual?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: 15 minutes max. Like all athletes, hockey players have specific rituals before their games.

Eric About thirty minutes?

Tater (whooping laughter) 15 minutes, max.

Jack (laughs)

Eric (gasps, shakes head) That is not true, that can not be true! Honey, I’ve seen you take 15 minutes making your pre-game PBJ sandwiches. (scoffs)

Jack (makes a face)

Tater Sorry, B. Must give big zero for that question.

Eric (rolls eyes) Hmph!

Tater B, you get 20 seconds—name as many starting quarterbacks in the NFL as possible. Ready, set, go!

Eric Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, Josh Allen, Philip Rivers, Tom Brady—ugh—Baker Mayfield, Derek Carr, Carson Palmer.

ONSCREEN CAPTION Score: 8

Tater Have 10 seconds, name as many as Zimmboni’s lineys when he finally move to first line.

ONSCREEN CAPTION Lineys = Hockey linemates. Fun fact: Jack moved from third to first line during his first season in the Falcs back in 2015!

Eric (opens mouth)

Tater But! Must name them by nickname!

Eric (single nod, determined expression)

Tater Okay? Ready, set, go!

Eric Alright so excluding Jack, that’ll be you, Tater, then we got Marty, Thirdy, Guy, and Snowy if you count the goalies!

Tater (solemnly nods) Always count goalies!

Eric Then that’s five for five. Gettin’ a lil easy there!

ONSCREEN CAPTION Score: 5/5

Tater Haha! Okay, who are on cover of Sports Illustrated for this season’s NFL and college previews?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: Jarvis Landry and Odell Beckham Jr. were on the cover for the NFL preview. Trevor Lawrence was on the cover for the college preview.

Eric Oh, Coach and I were just talkin’ about this! I know the NFL preview was Odell Beckham Jr. and Jarvis Landry, but the college preview... (brief pause, placing chin on fist contemplatively) I think it’s Trevor Lawrence?

Tater Correct! What magazine cover did Zimmboni appear on first?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: Trick question! Jack’s first ever appearance on a magazine cover was not as a hockey player. He first appeared on People Magazine as a baby with his parents, Robert “Bad bob” Zimmermann and Alicia Zimmermann.

Eric Can I ask a question?

Tater ...no.

Eric Well, shoot, alright. If you mean his first cover as an athlete, I’ll say Sports Illustrated, but if you mean his first one ever I think it’s People Magazine when he was a baby.

Tater (censored beep) Wow!

Jack (raises eyebrows) You remember that?

Eric Well, you told me! And Alicia did show me when we visited for Christmas one year. (smug smirk)

Jack (covers face in hand, exasperated sigh) Of course she did.

Tater Next question! How many Super Bowl rings does Tom Brady have?

Eric Oh goodness. I think it’s five?

Tater Six!

Eric What?

Tater Is six!

Eric (groans) Of course it’s six. Whatever, it’s fine, I try not to think about Tom Brady anyway. I don’t mind getting this one wrong. In fact, I’m kinda glad because I certainly don’t care for the man. Like, who—

Jack Bits. We’re in the middle of a game right now?

Eric (blushes) Oh, right.

Tater It’s alright, B, haha. But we move on with game now, yes? (single nod) Now, how many rings Zimmboni normally wear?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: 1.

Eric One! He usually just wears his wedding ring, but today he’s got his 2016 Stanley ring! Wanna show it off, honey?

Jack (sheepishly holds up hands to show the two rings)

ONSCREEN CAPTION Fun fact: The team who wins the Stanley Cup get matching rings. Jack got his first one when the Falcs won the Cup in 2016!

Tater Is tough one now: How many times have the Atlanta Falcons made the playoffs?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: 14.

Eric (sighs) Oh Lordy, that's hard. Alright, so by the time I was born they were at five so— (voice continues in fast forward) —they did in ‘98, then... ‘02? After was 2004, not 2005, or ‘06... so the next one was 2008. Then there was that streak from 2010 to 2012. Then the next one was 2016, and then ‘17. Not ‘18 and ‘19. So that’s... (begins to count on fingers)

Tater (back to regular speed, looking impressed) You have answer, B?

Eric I'm gonna go with fourteen as of this year.

Tater (censored beep)!!!

Eric (laughs)

Jack (censored beep), Bittle.

Tater Is amazing! You have both number and years!

Eric I’m Southern, and my daddy’s a football coach. (shrugs) Can’t help it!

Jack (chuckles) This is why I wanted you to answer stuff about the football instead of baking.

Eric (rolls eyes, swats Jack’s arm) Oh, this boy.

Tater Next question! What is most number of times Zimmboni fight in one season?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: 3 fights.

Eric Ooh, shoot. I should know this one too, huh? Okay, so his first season he only got in one fight— (voice continues in fast forward) —and second season was also one, I think. After that, uhh, I think he finally got in two. Last year was three maybe? And this season hasn’t even started. But last year? Was it three? I don’t quite—hm.

Tater (back to regular speed) Your answer, B?

Eric I’m gonna go with three fights for last season.

Tater (shaking his head)

Jack What did I say?

Tater (censored beep) Is correct. (huffs) What year did Falcons join the NFL?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: 1965.

Eric Uhhh, oh goodness, I know Coach told me this at some point... (pause) I think it was 1965?

Tater Correct! What year Zimmboni first try skating?

ONSCREEN CAPTION Answer: 1992. Fun fact: Bad Bob had Jack skating as soon as Jack could walk!

Eric Skating, huh? ‘Cause I’ll bet the son of Bad Bob tried on his first skates before he even turned one, huh? (smiles cheekily)

Jack (nudges with elbow, gives Eric a small smile) Not the question.

Eric Oh alright, not the question. Hmm, I know it was before you turned three so, I’ll say... (drawling out answer) nineteen-ninety... two?

Tater (throws cards out of hand, shaking his head) Is correct again!

Eric Oh my god!

(high pitched sound as Eric fist pumps the air)

Jack (laughs, bringing an arm around Eric before kissing his cheek)

Tater B, I'm frustrate to say you know Zimmboni as much as you know football.

ONSCREEN CAPTION FINAL SCORE: Football = 6, Husband = 6. T I E ! ! !

Jack Knew it. Told you so, Bits.

Eric That sounds like a chirp, and I will not have that on my vlog, Mr. Zimmermann. So with that, I guess we’re done! (looks towards camera, claps once) Well, that about does it for today’s video! Thank you so much to my special guests, Providence Falconers’ Jack Zimermann and Alexei Mashkov, for joining me today. (gestures towards Jack and Tater)

Tater (nods with a wide smile) Thanks for having us, B!

Jack (smiles and nods) Always great to be here.

Eric Be sure to check out the Falcs TV videos too! Link in the description or right over here! (points to space, highlighted annotation inserted) And thanks for tuning in! Next week, I’ll have a new video for y’all on the best ways to add protein to your favourite sandwiches.

(Eric, Jack, and Tater wave at the camera)

Eric Bye, y’all! See ya next time!

(More notes on Ao3.)

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @1989dreamer!

I really wanted to write a sweet and gentle fic that fulfilled your wishlist. I hope you enjoy!

Read on AO3

*****

From Love not Lust

Stiles chewed on the top of his pen, inhaling the aroma of books and coffee as he sipped the mocha latte that was more chocolate than coffee, exactly how he liked it. It was half the reason he spent pretty much all his lunch breaks here. The other half was the sour-faced owner whose shadow fell over him at that moment.

Stiles ran a finger around the edge of his cup to scoop up the escaping whipped cream and licked it as he raised his gaze to meet Derek’s. “That’s a sour face for a warm autumn afternoon,” he offered brightly, the soft orange glow of the sun illuminating the store through the full glass frontage. When Derek just continued to glare at him with his dark green Books & Coffee apron that really complimented his stupidly beautiful eyes, Stiles took another swig of his mocha.

“Dude, what’s up?”

“What are you doing?” Derek asked darkly.

Stiles just blinked, because he came in here often enough for Derek not to question him. Sometimes he made a point of annoying Derek and sometimes he kept to himself, but either way Derek had pretty much grown used to his presence. He’d probably considered it a high risk factor when he and Cora had decided to return to Beacon Hills, along with Isaac, to turn the old abandoned book store into Books & Coffee.

It’d been on a whim of Cora’s, Isaac had confided to Stiles on his first visit, when he’d been home from college to visit his dad almost five years ago.

Sitting there now, on his lunch break wearing his deputy uniform, it was hard to imagine a time when it’d all felt shiny and new. It felt like it’d always been here, with its warm buzz of lunchtime business and familiar regulars.

Stiles watched Cora and Isaac showcase their usual workplace romance as they moved in perfect tandem together behind the counter, with Cora working the cash register and Isaac passing over his meticulously prepared pastries and cakes. Apparently it was something Isaac had done with his mom as a kid and had picked back up while he was incommunicado. They were the kind of sickening, cute kind of happy where they ribbed each other with gentle little jibes and glittery damn eyes. It was the kind of love only two people that had lost everything, healed and then found each other could possess.

Even Derek was softer around the edges these days. True he kept to the book side of the shop mostly, stocking and restocking, organizing the titles and on the rare occasion offering recommendations on books. But he was more relaxed, more at peace with himself in the calm quiet that had become Beacon Hills in the last few years. He seemed pretty content, like he’d found an inner strength and tranquility. Even when he was scowling down at Stiles as if he’d just set the store on fire.

“I’m drinking my mocha and reading my book, the same as I do everyday,” Stiles answered wryly.

“What are you doing with the pen?” Derek demanded through gritted teeth.

Stiles twirled the ballpoint absently, before the question registered in his mind. “Oh, I guess…annotating?”

Derek’s nostrils flared, dark brows drawing together in a familiar scowl that had long since lost its effect on Stiles. “You’re writing and doodling all over the books.”

“Only the margins. Mostly. And anyway it’s not like it’s one of yours. Or…well it was. It’s the one I bought a week or so ago. You know, the one you sold me?”

“I know what book it is,” Derek said curtly, gesturing at the copy of Northern Lights open on the table with a look of restrained dismay. “You can’t just…” He set his teeth. “They’re not for writing in like you’re some high school kid.”

A small, fond smile crept across Stiles’s lips. “You’re like…a real little bookworm huh? A guardian of paperbacks.”

Derek’s scowl intensified and Stiles gave a soft laugh. He swore the affection in it made Derek’s cheeks colour, just a bit. Setting down the pen with a self-deprecating little sigh, Stiles dragged his hand through his hair. “It’s just something I used to do when I was a kid. I used to highlight bits I liked, bits I didn’t, noted down my thoughts on things in the margin.” He shrugged. “Sometimes thoughts about the book, sometimes just what I had going on in my head.”

Derek stared at him in that carefully blank way he always did when a million thoughts were flittering through his mind. His lips parted abortively and he gave Stiles a short nod, nostrils flaring again before he turned and headed back into the bookshelves.

“He caught you doodling in a book?” Cora offered with a raised brow when he went to grab a second coffee to-go on his way back to work. “I’m surprised he didn’t rip your throat out. I dog-eared his copy of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when we were kids instead of using a bookmark and he shifted right in the middle of the living room and tackled me to the ground.”

Stiles’s lips quirked. “Was this really when you were kids? Or was it last week?”

Cora laughed, eyes sparkling in the same way Derek’s did.

*

Stiles finished the book a week or so later. He was parked in his usual spot in the corner by the bookshelves, just killing time until his dad came off shift so they could go to dinner together and he sat back as he finished scrawling his final notes on the back pages.

“How did you get into it?” Derek asked as he took the seat opposite him at the little round table. “Writing in the books.”

Stiles shrugged. “I found it helped me focus on the story if I could jot my thoughts rambling through my head down, keep them to one side as I read, I guess.” He gave a sad little smile. “There are books and books somewhere from just after my mom died where I’d write my feelings down, the ones I couldn’t express out loud, you know? My dad kept them.”

Dark brows drew together. “So…it’s only a sad thing then?”

“It used to be. But lately I just find I enjoy it, I guess.” He chews his lips for a moment, thinking, before asking, “I was wondering why Pullman spelled it ‘daemon’. So I looked it up. Supposedly the way we usually spell it refers to purely an evil spirit, but the way Pullman spells it refers to a benign supernatural creature. And I got to thinking, are werewolves ‘daemons’ in that case?”

His question was mostly rhetorical, but something in Derek seemed to brighten in response. When he responded, they grew locked in a conversation that carried them far into the evening hours.

They sat together for some time, until the shop was nearly empty and close to closing. Derek, Isaac and Cora took turns doing the closing shift and it seemed Derek was the only one manning the floor tonight. He and Stiles talked, or bantered as they usually did but then a question Stiles had always wanted to ask came to his lips unbidden.

“Why did you buy this place if you don’t like people?”

Derek blinked with an odd, surprised little expression that made him look years younger, the look Stiles had only seen there a handful of times before.

“I didn’t care what we did when we came back, only that we did,” Derek replied simply, looking just left of him to avoid looking in his eyes. “But Cora likes to be surrounded by people and Isaac had been studying food when we caught up with him. So when Cora saw the old bookstore was still abandoned she wanted to buy it.”

Stiles offered him a teasing grin. “So Cora wanted pastries for Isaac and books for you?”

Something like a smile flickered at the corners of Derek’s mouth. “Something like that.”

Out the front windows, Stiles saw his dad’s cruiser pull up and he rose to his feet and headed for the door. “See you tomorrow then. I’ll probably have to buy the next one if you have it?” He waved the book in his hand demonstratively.

Derek looked awkward for a moment, but then reached behind the corner and withdrew another paperback. “I thought you might so…” He came to stand in front of Stiles, uncertain and stiff as he offered him the book.

When Stiles took the copy of The Subtle Knife and flicked through it instinctively, he saw neat red writing in the margins. His heart skipped.

Derek had re-read the book and put notes in the margins. His thoughts, his feelings. For him. Stiles was the one to flounder in surprise then, lips moving soundlessly, speechless for one of the first times in his life. Before he could find his words, however, Derek spoke.

“Can I read it? What you wrote?” He tipped his chin toward the copy of Northern Lights tucked under Stiles’s arm.

Stiles hesitated for just a beat. “I show you mine and you show me yours, huh?” He smirked, passing the book over.

Their fingers brushed as Derek took hold of the pages holding Stiles’s personal thoughts and feelings. The highlighted quotes that had stood out to him, the silly little passing thoughts that had occurred to him that were completely irrelevant as he read. He passed them into Derek’s hands and offered him a little quirk of a smile as he stepped through the door and out into the night.

*

It became a thing after that, the book sharing. He and Derek read all kinds of books, made notes in the margins of their thoughts while reading, sometimes in regards to the book, sometimes just thoughts in general. Sometimes Stiles even left little doodles for him.

When Stiles was particularly stressed at work, a lot of his notes in A Feast for Crows were full of nervous ramblings about his fears of never living up to his dad’s reputation or wishing he were stronger, faster, better. They were like letters, he supposed, only better because this way he could be as obscure or as blatant as he liked. Sometimes he circled single words that fit his mood on the page or sometimes he highlighted entire passages that spoke to him.

Sometimes he liked the books Derek picked, sometimes he didn’t. The journey through them was always fascinating though, enhanced by the glimpses into Derek’s private thoughts, the things he related to, the things that he connected with. Their debates on each other’s notes often carried them well beyond the shop’s closing time and he got to see Derek animated and enthusiastic, open and passionate in a way he thought few people had ever seen.

It felt like a precious intimate connection, a bond solidifying between them with every word. And he had bonded with Scott over video games and movies and with Lydia over saving the world but this was different. It was more and sometimes, when Derek had to help serve customers in between their conversations, he would glance up and find those stunning eyes riveted to him.

He’d always found Derek attractive, who wouldn’t? But what he felt when their eyes met wasn’t just an awkward rush of ill-timed physical appreciation. That focus, that connection made something in his stomach quiver blissfully, warm and fluttering, until his breathing came out in little shudders and his face heated with feelings he didn’t quite understand.

*

He realised just how strong that connection had grown over the Fourth of July weekend. Buried in the paperwork of his fellow deputies who had fallen prey to the virus travelling around the station, his head was pounding with stress and fatigue when he glanced up and started at the sight of Derek in front of his desk. He was standing there in just a t-shirt and jeans, a not-quite smile on his face, a cup holder with three tall coffees in one hand and a couple of large paper bags with Books & Coffee printed across them.

Stiles had worked so much overtime in the last few days and his brain was so fried that at that moment he felt he might cry with relief at the sight of him. “Dude, I love you,” he groaned appreciatively, making grabby hands for the reusable coffee cup that had ‘Stiles’ scrawled across it with a Sharpie in Cora’s neat script. His coffee cup she always served him his coffee in - containing his coffee order. He sipped at it greedily and groaned aloud in sweet bliss.

Derek’s expression had that familiar warmth to it, even as he said dryly, “well, we were thinking of expanding into deliveries so we figured we’d make you the test run.”

Stiles frantically cleared a space for Derek to sit at his desk with him with his free hand, without relinquishing his coffee.

“Sandwiches in one, doughnuts in the other,” Derek said as he set the two bags down and sat in the chair opposite Stiles. He placed the book that had been tucked under his arm beside them too and Stiles’s heart skipped.

Derek had brought their ‘book lunch’ to him. And Derek was looking at him curiously so Stiles was sure his burning face and skittering breath were giving him away. Luckily, his growling stomach saved him from having to make any excuses. He set his coffee down reluctantly to reach for a sandwich portion with one hand and a doughnut with the other.

“You are literally my new favourite,” Stiles crooned, devouring the entire sandwich half in a few bites before rounding on the doughnut. “Mmm, talk, talk so I know you’re not staring at me in silent horror at my appalling eating habits.”

Derek laughed softly, ducking his head as he shook it in disbelief and opened up his own sandwich. “I was literally raised by wolves,” he deadpanned. “Our Sunday family dinners were like a free-for-all.”

A snort of laughter burst out of Stiles unbidden. The image of a young Derek fighting his sisters for the last potato or slice of beef had done it, offered so freely by Derek himself and with one of those private little smiles that seemed to be made just for him.

“Did book group come to me today?” Stiles asked, when all his half of the sandwiches were gone and he was more than half way through their coffee. He tilted his chin at the book on the table.

“I’m not sure if you’re up to this reading level, if I need to explain to you the definition of a ‘group’.”

“We can be a book couple then,” Stiles waved him off, delighting in the way Derek fidgeted awkwardly in his seat. “I’ll grab yours out of the Jeep before you go. It’s one of my favourites.”

Derek nodded, passing his book over to Stiles. There was an odd little frisson of tension in him as Stiles pulled it into his lap. Divergent by Veronica Roth. But as Stiles opened the cover and started to flick idly through it as he took another doughnut, Derek rose to his feet.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I brought enough for your dad too,” Derek said, too quickly, as he plucked up one of the now empty sandwich plates and set a couple of doughnuts on it before heading toward the main office. “Don’t eat all the glazed ones.”

Stiles hurriedly stuffed the rest of the one he’d been eating into his mouth and grabbed another as he browsed the pages of Derek’s book choice. He glimpsed a few random notes about people not putting books back in the proper section, as well as actual annotations on what the characters were up to on the page. But when Stiles came to a chapter that seemed quite thin on notes, he spotted a dark scribble in the margin that completely obscured whatever Derek had written there before. Next to it was an asterisk, one that corresponded to a line from the text that was underlined with stark red ink.

‘Something about him makes me feel like I am about to fall. Or turn to liquid. Or burst into flames.’

Stiles lifted his head slowly, the world seeming to whirl into slow motion as he watched Derek through the windows in his dad’s office, watched him smile politely at his dad, watched his dad tuck into one of the doughnuts he’d been given.

What had Derek felt when reading that line that had made it stand out? And why had he changed his mind about letting Stiles know his thoughts on it?

In a total contradiction to his character, he didn’t ask.

*

When the air turned cold with the approach of winter, Stiles felt a warmth unrelated to the perfect mocha and the scarf Lydia bought him for Christmas last year when Derek joined him for lunch at Books & Coffee on Stiles’s day off.

Isaac didn’t serve anything more than cakes, pastries or cookies but he always rustled up some sandwiches for the staff lunches. Apparently Stiles counted as staff, since Isaac had set the BLT to end all BLTs in front of him not long after he’d taken his usual seat. Isaac didn’t though and when he disappeared back behind the counter on the far side, Stiles couldn’t help but notice that Derek was a little tense. His brow was furrowed in a frown that Stiles hadn’t seen on his face for months, one that spoke of uncertainty and worry. He had a book in his hand but he didn’t pass it to Stiles right away.

If Stiles had learned anything over the years, however, it was how to deal with sour-wolves.

His mouth ran away with him as it always did. He was on to rambling about the increase in stray cats being related to them finally setting the Nemeton to sleep a few years ago before Derek finally seemed to find his words.

“That scarf. It’s not really your style.”

Stiles blinked at the randomness of the insult. Huh. “You don’t like my scarf?” He wasn’t really a scarf man to be fair, but it was understated, universal and cosy and he hated the cold.

Derek grit his teeth, dragging a hand over the back of his neck as if he were annoyed with himself. “No, I…I didn’t…” He exhaled through his nose. “It’s a nice scarf, I just didn’t think you’d pick something like that, that’s all.”

“Because it’s nice?” Stiles teased with a raises brow.

Derek’s lips twitched, his unease dwindling a little at Stiles’s mischievous tone. “Well it doesn’t have a novelty print on for a start.”

Stiles laughed and he swore Derek averted his gaze at the sound but he couldn’t quite be sure. “Lydia bought it for me last Christmas; she knows I hate the cold. I have a beanie that goes with it but I guess I took it off before you saw.”

Derek’s face became unreadable at that and his fingers wrapped around the book on the table in front of him distractedly, still shielding the title from Stiles’s view.

“She loves you.” It wasn’t a question. It also wasn’t exactly wrong.

“We love each other. She’s…well after all we’ve been through, she was there for me when no one else was. And when I went away to college, she always made an effort, you know?” He grimaced a little. “I mean I love Scott too, you know I do. But, well…” He shrugged. “I’d die for Scotty, and he’d do the same for me, but our friendship changed. So did my relationship with Lydia. Just…I think when Scott became the alpha, his priorities had to change and that’s fine, but Lydia has always made me a priority, even when we both realised we loved each other more like a brother and sister than a girlfriend and boyfriend.”

Scotty was still his best guy, Lydia was just better for him. She knew that perfect balance of how to take care of him and how to give him freedom. Plus she had a tongue sharper than his and the same dry sense of humour.

“That’s life I suppose,” Derek murmured after a thoughtful moment. “Our relationships with people change as we find out who we really are.” His face looked dark all of a sudden.

“Like me and you?” Stiles prodded gently, a whisper of a smile accenting his words to try and banish the heavy atmosphere that had settled between them. “I bet you never thought you’d be spending your Saturdays with me when you first laid eyes on me in those woods all those years ago, huh?”

Derek studied him for a beat, but then something in him relaxed a fraction. He set his elbows on the table and folded his fingers just under his mouth. His eyes were sort of hazel-green. They almost had flecks of burnished gold in, Stiles thought. He’d never noticed before.

“You’re quite welcome to spend your Saturday with someone else if you’ve got a better option.” Derek’s words carried that familiar biting, teasing tone that he often used with Stiles, the one that made Stiles’s insides twitch. But Stiles thought there was something else there too. He wasn’t an idiot but Derek was still holding back. He’d been hurt before and Stiles knew, because he was nosy, that Derek hadn’t been with anyone since his fling with Braeden years ago. So if Derek needed time, he’d be patient. Let him move at his pace. Stiles was in no hurry.

“Nah, I’ll keep my harem as back up if you ever realise what a dork I am.”

Derek laughed, soft and breathy and his cheeks suffused with a barely-there hint of pink. “I know you’re a dork.” With that, he nudged the book in front of him across the clean table and Stiles finally looked at the cover.

The King’s Name by Jo Walton. He’d never heard of it before. He told Derek as much with eager delight, always excited to find something new. The books that Derek picked revealed so much, he thought. About what he liked, what he didn’t. That was the reason he felt a personal rush when he handed over a new book.

Sometimes it meant more than others. Like now, for example, he grinned devilishly as Derek opened his copy of The Wolfman by Jonathan Maberry that Stiles had given him, outright laughing when Derek scowled at the note inside the front page:

Just for the LOLs.

Today his book was just for fun. But he couldn’t guess what Derek would read from Stiles’s notes throughout.

Judging by Derek’s hesitance to hand his book over though, it meant something more profound to him. Something so important he was nervous to share. He kept glancing at it as they talked over coffee and their sandwiches, as if he wanted to snatch it back and change his mind. Stiles subtly tucked his elbow on top. That baby was his.

*

Stiles read the book and Derek didn’t have to spell it out for him in exact words in the margins for him to get why Derek gave it to him.

It’d been a while since he had needed to unleash his ‘Google-Fu’ but by the time the sky had started to thin into pinkish pre-dawn, he’d found his way through most of the reputable websites it had to offer, as well as a few disreputable ones.

By the time the alarm meant to wake him sounded, he’d found himself reading through the forum for Beacon County’s AAA, Aromantic Asexual Alliance. Thankfully it was his day off. One of the few days he and his dad had off at the same time and so the day of the annual Stilinski breakfast. His stomach growled in anticipation of sustenance because he hadn’t moved since he’d sat down in his chair last night, after he’d read enough of the book, enough of Derek’s seemingly inconsequential annotations to understand exactly why he’d chosen it.

He glanced at the clock in the corner of his screen, running his knuckles absently across his lips as he thought.

He bookmarked the forum for reading later and headed out for a shower before his dad got up and realised he hadn’t been to bed.

*

In typical Stiles research mode, he found out everything he could. After breakfast with his dad, he made an excuse abouting trying to Skype Lydia then shut himself away until dinner, soaking up information like a sponge to water.

As predicted the AAA forum for Beacon County was the most helpful, run by real people with real experiences. While it didn’t tell him everything, it told him a lot. He discovered how different people who identified as asexual or aromantic could be. He learned that some people were indifferent to sex, while some were actively repulsed by it, could feel a mixture of the two on any given day.

He wondered what Derek liked, what he didn’t. Then he got caught up in thoughts of Derek’s fling with Braeden, the thrall Jennifer Blake had ensnared him with, the just sixteen year-old Derek and everything Kate had done to him on the back of his innocent high school romance that had been cut fatally short.

His thoughts kept him up well into the night, swirling around and around in his head. He rolled over onto his side at around two in the morning and found himself staring at the shiny hardback copy of Allegiant, the third book in the series Derek had started him on. He hadn’t started it yet, had been intending to make it his next book to share with Derek, a fitting choice, he’d thought. He snatched it up, flicked the light on and dug around in his bedside drawer for his favourite yellow highlighter, Then he snuggled down into his blankets as he started to read.

He sank into the story, jotting down his thoughts of Derek and the thousand questions he wanted to ask him but didn’t know how to phrase respectfully aloud. The things he thought he should ask, thought he shouldn’t ask. They occurred to him at random, often nothing to do with what was on the page. But he still highlighted the lines or passages that spoke to him. That fit them.

‘We are not people who touch each other carelessly; every point of contact between us feels important, a rush of energy and relief.’

Are you asexual? Aromantic? Somewhere in between?

‘It is the same urge, I realize, that makes me want to kiss her every time I see her, because even a sliver of distance between us is infuriating.’

Does sex repulse you? Or is it just like meh?

‘Yes, well, I realized that we’ve never been on an actual date.’

Dude, we’ve totally been dating the last few months without realising. And I like that. I think you liked it too?

‘”Why’s he bleeding?”

“Because he’s an idiot.”’

This line gives me dejavu. Multiple dejavus actually.

‘I feel like, if I read this book, I can reach backward through all the generations of humanity to the very first one, wherever it was—that I can participate in something many times larger and older than myself.’

I am so hungry right now. But the kitchen is so far away. I think I have half a packet of Oreos in my bag. They’re probably still good.

‘How many young men fear that there is a monster inside them?’

How long were you internalising all your confusion and fear about this before you figured it out?

‘Her absence stings worst of all.’

I miss you sometimes. Even when I’ve just seen you. That’s weird, isn’t it?

‘How have I never realized before that for all the strong, kind parts of him, there are also hurting, broken parts?’

I’m not afraid of any part of you, you know? Or repulsed by you. I think all parts of you are pretty beautiful actually.

‘“A group of scientists told you that my genes were damaged, that there was something wrong with me–’

You know there’s nothing wrong with you, don’t you?

‘“That you’re whole, that you’re worth loving, that you’re the best person I’ve ever known.”’

I can research until my eyes start bleeding but no internet forum or web article is going to tell me the most important thing, which is what you like and what you don’t. How you feel about me.

*

By Sunday evening he’d finished the book and found himself worrying about his usual lunch with Derek the next day. Worrying about all the ways he could be an insensitive prick with verbal diarrhoea and say something accidentally offensive or ignorant or just plain stupid.

He’d been staring at the closed book for nearly an hour before he made a decision.

His dad was on shift that night, so he took him his dinner via the Tupperware and on his way back, he stopped at Derek’s apartment that he shared with Cora and Isaac. It was a sprawling converted loft apartment above the shop that spanned over two floors.

Of course he wasn’t in. Apparently he was picking up some new books with Cora from the city but Isaac let him in and Stiles left Allegiant on Derek’s bed before ducking out, knowing Isaac would respect Derek’s privacy and not touch it.

It occured to him as he climbed back into his car that Derek might be overthinking things even more than him, second-guessing revealing such a personal part of him to Stiles and so on impulse he sent him a quick breezy text.

Bring me back a present from the big city!

*

He woke the next morning to his reply.

You better not have touched anything when you were in my room.

Stiles continued to grin all the way to the station, his anxiety that he’d written the wrong thing or completely misjudged the situation appeased by the easy teasing he could hear from Derek even in a text.

*

Of course that was the one day all the criminals in Beacon Hills decided to make themselves known. Stiles didn’t stop all day and his lunch break was instead occupied with an aggressive shoplifter as high as a kite. It took three of them to subdue him, because whatever he’d taken had made him not know how to stop, even though he’d nearly given himself a broken nose on the pavement by the time they managed to get him into a cell to cool down.

Stiles did manage to shoot Derek a hasty text before leaping to aid the front desk with aggressive high shoplifter’s even more aggressive mother, who’d stormed the station after he’d been booked.

It’s crazy here today. Can’t do lunch. Meet me after?

By the time he got to go home, his cell battery had died, he was starving and restless from bad station coffee. But all of that fell away when he walked out the front doors and saw Derek leaning up against his Jeep. He was dressed in a dark grey sweater that made him look so soft and cosy that Stiles just wanted to sink into him.

He was stiff, apprehensive as Stiles approached, but there was also that barely there little smile that he reserved just for Stiles.

“Have you been waiting out here for me my entire shift?” Stiles asked apologetically.

Derek shrugged. “I waited here for a bit, then I heard your dad say if you weren’t out of there in twenty he would fire you, so I took my chances and hit the drive-thru down the street.”

It was then that Stiles saw the bag hanging from his hand.

He snatched it from him and unlocked the Jeep, not even protesting when Derek slid into the driver’s side so he could ride shotgun and devour the burger and extra large fries within. “I’m not even going to pretend to be pissed at your supernatural eavesdropping if it means you always know when to bring me food.”

Derek rolled his eyes and took the keys to start the ignition. As he pulled out onto the road though, he seemed on the precipice of speech for some time. It wasn’t until they approached the first junction that he asked, “can we…go somewhere?”

Stiles only hesitated a moment before nodding, his mouth full. Then he flicked the heater on to ward off the biting evening chill. Derek glanced at him, clearly giving him a once over before he took a left at the lights.

When Stiles realised, even in the dark that they weren’t heading for Derek’s place or downtown or even the preserve he paused between bites. “So…did you mean ‘go somewhere’ to bury my body?”

“We’re heading to your house,” Derek replied without looking away from the road, his voice giving nothing away. “You’re not dressed for anything else.”

Stiles snorted. “Is that you refraining from scolding me for forgetting my coat?” When Derek didn’t reply, the next words fall out of Stiles’s mouth, unbidden. “Don’t you like me in my uniform?”

He panicked internally as he thought of how stupid that was to say, especially given the conversation they were likely to have imminently. Especially since he didn’t know where Derek stood on that stuff. Had he just made Derek really uncomfortable? Before he could scramble to apologise, he just caught Derek side-eyeing him in a way that Stiles could only identify as appreciative.

So…not uncomfortable then. A bit embarrassed at being caught out, most likely, but most definitely not uninterested or unaffected.

His dad was back at the station still, so the house was quiet when they stepped inside. Stiles grabbed two sodas from the fridge and offered one to Derek, who took it silently leaving Stiles to dither on the spot for a moment before leading him into the living room.

He was equal parts relieved and reassured when Derek took the seat beside him on the sofa.

They sat there for a while, consumed by silence and the knowledge that what came next would determine their relationship. It didn’t help that neither of them were particularly well-versed in saying the right thing.

In the end, Stiles stared at the place where he was rubbing his palms together, fingers fidgeting with each pass before he managed, “did you…read the book?”

Derek exhaled slowly. “I read what you wrote.”

Stiles stopped, turning his head slightly from where he was leaning forward to meet Derek’s eyes. He still couldn’t make out what was going on behind them. He licked his dry lips. “Do you…? I mean…” He sighed in frustration and sat back to look at Derek fully. “Oh god, are you pissed at me? Did I completely misread the situation? About you? About…me and you?”

Derek seemed to startle a little at the bluntness, floundering for words.

Stiles showed restraint and patience for the first time in his life and waited.

“You didn’t misread anything.” His fingers worried the neck of the unopened bottle in his hands, almost just to anchor himself in that moment. He seemed to study it for a long time, the longest Stiles himself had ever sat still and silent in his life. Then, softly, carefully, Derek’s voice eased into the quiet again. “While Cora and I were in South America, we spent some time with a pack there.”

Stiles nodded, refraining from reminding Derek that he knew this, that he and Derek had even talked about the pack and the way they ran things down there.

“Two of the betas there, the ones that we stayed with while we visited, they were ace.” Derek still didn’t look up but his tone remained even. He wasn’t distressed, wasn’t worried in any way. It was just hard for him to explain, Stiles realised, to put into words something that was so natural, so innate to him that it eluded simple explanation. Because Derek had never had to put it into words for anyone before.

“When I realised what that meant, it felt like the validation I’d been waiting for my whole life.”

Stiles nodded thoughtfully. “And you…I mean I know all of the things it can mean, but what does it mean for you?”

Derek turned his face to look at him at last, calm and entirely comfortable in his own skin and so different to the scared, uncertain young man Stiles had seen in the woods the day after Peter had attacked Scott. He wasn’t confused about what he felt, he wasn’t lost. He’d spent that time in South America and even the last few years here finding himself.

“I just don’t want sex,” he said. “I don’t think I ever did.”

Stiles didn’t have to ask to understand the unspoken truth in those words, to understand the confusion and inexperience that had driven a more vulnerable, younger Derek to believe sex was the only way to make connections. He wondered about the journey that Derek had taken to this well-adjusted man in front of him. Derek had told him so much already but there was a lot he felt he’d yet to learn.

“So it’s not repulsive to you? You just…don’t want to?”

“I’m not disgusted by the idea of it I’m…Eloa and Lucas, the couple we stayed with–”

“The ace couple?”

Derek’s lips twitched, obviously pleased at the sound of that word coming so easily to Stiles’s lips. Derek knew him well enough to know he had spent every spare moment in the last couple of days researching frantically for every scrap of information he could find. There was a fond appreciation clear on his face as he replied, “yes. They called it being ‘sex positive.’ I’m not disgusted by it, I just don’t want to do it.” His gaze wavered briefly.

“I used to force myself to, when I liked someone, like that was the only way I knew how to feel…” He cleared his throat, shrugging slightly. “So I did it. But it turned things sour and it wasn’t until South America that I started to realise why.” Derek hesitated, searching Stiles’s eyes before he added more softly, more vulnerably. “I don’t want that with you.”

Exhaling shakily, his voice husky with caged emotion, Stiles asked, “and what do you want with me, exactly?” He had to be sure. “I’ve got quite the overactive imagination; you’ll probably have to spell it out for me. Just in case.”

Derek’s gaze turned molten with tenderness, burnished gold-green-brown alight with affection that makes Stiles’s heart flutter. “I can show you?”

Stiles couldn’t breathe.

Derek’s thick lashes fluttered as he leaned in, tentatively cupping the back of Stiles’s neck. He edged in, so slow, as if he were wading into unfamiliar waters until their lips brushed. It was all tenderness, sweet and soft. It made Stiles’s skin prickle all over with warmth, Derek’s thumb brushing his cheek. Derek drew back to look into his eyes, to ask a million silent questions, and to each one the answer was yes.

When Derek leaned back in Stiles exhaled shakily, not from arousal but from the sheer overwhelming intimacy of it as Derek rubbed his cheek against Stiles’s. His beard was just long enough to be a soft prickle against Stiles’s cheekbone, his jaw, his neck. It was like scenting, more personal than any French kiss or messy tumble through the sheets. Because this was Derek, holding him close, nuzzling into his hair and kissing the side of his mouth, his cheek, breathing him in like he was the first breath of clean air after a lifetime of living underground.

He wasn’t entirely sure where to put his hands, or how far was too far for Derek, how much would be too sexual. But the hunger he felt wasn’t for sex so much as to hold Derek as close as Derek was holding him. To show him, to make his head spin the same way that Stiles’s did.

“Is this what you like?” he asked breathlessly, kissing Derek’s lips gently, softly dragging his nose along the line of Derek’s. He brought his own hand up to stroke down the back of Derek’s head through his hair, before letting his fingers cup Derek’s nape in a mirror of the hand curled around his own.

Derek melted into him, the strings of apprehension that had been holding him back sagging with relief. “I like that,” he assured Stiles, voice low yet soft with emotion. He’d undoubtedly had experience with relationships more to his taste since South America; with how confident he was in what he liked and what he didn’t. By the way his breath skittered against Stiles’s cheek as their foreheads touched, however, by the way his fingers gripped Stiles’s hair, like he was barely in control, Stiles knew he’d never felt quite like this.

Neither of them had ever felt like this before.

Just like that, Derek showed Stiles how he liked intimacy, physical contact, kisses and the way Stiles nuzzled behind his ear. He liked the way Stiles pressed against his neck and just breathed there, warm and close.

Stiles felt flushed all over, arms finding their way around Derek, gently, hesitantly, looking for any cue that Derek might not be comfortable.

“Can we...lie down?” Stiles asks in a barely there voice. “Is that…?”

“Yeah,” Derek drew back to study him, “yeah that’s…yeah.”

Grinning at Derek’s inarticulacy, Stiles shimmied down the worn, comfy sofa, fitting into the shape of Derek’s body when he lay down beside him. It was awkward at first, not the least because they were two full-grown men squeezed onto one sofa, but also because at first Stiles wasn’t sure how close to press, or where. He was definitely over thinking this but he couldn’t stop, he wanted to do this right and…

Then Derek’s arm came around him, as much to hold him close as to stop him from falling off the sofa onto the floor. Stiles gave a little huff of laughter into the hollow of his throat and just relaxed against him, one arm trapped between them, the other settling against Derek’s chest, his ever-moving fingers fiddling distractedly with the collar of Derek’s sweater.

They stayed like that for a while, melting together in the cosy quiet of the house. At some point, Stiles let his eyes fall shut to the sound of Derek’s heart thudding close to his ear. He murmured soft questions into the fabric covering Derek’s shoulder and Derek answered every one as easy as breathing.

“So we could do this like…in a bed and that’d be cool?”

“Mmm,” Derek answered the affirmative.

“What if I accidentally touched your butt or something? Or if you saw me naked?”

Derek gave a snort of amusement. “As long as you didn’t expect sex it doesn’t matter to me. I won’t be…offended by it. It’s hard to be uncomfortable about your body or nudity in general when you’re a werewolf. That’s not what it’s about for me. We’re naturally comfortable with all of that.”

“Supernaturally, even.”

Stiles didn’t have to see Derek’s face to know he was rolling his eyes.

“So if I like, stayed over, or you stayed over here or in the far future we lived together like an old married couple – or hypothetically were an old married couple – and I jerked off in the shower and you happened to overhear?”

Derek shrugged, still not seeming too perturbed. “I would give you privacy. It wouldn’t matter as long as you didn’t do it with me next to you or pressure me to join you.”

Frowning, Stiles lifted his head. “I would never pressure you, ever. And if I ever do it by accident I’d want you to tell me, because there are some things even Google doesn’t know, dude. All the research in the world isn’t going to tell me everything I need to know about what’s okay for you and what isn’t.”

Derek pushed up then, the movement forcing Stiles to edge onto his back on the sofa with Derek hovering over him, so that he could look into his eyes when he spoke again. “I just…you’ve got a sexual appetite and I don’t have a problem with it, Stiles. I’m not going to lose my shit any time it surfaces. It’s a part of you. I just need to know…”

For the first time that night, Derek sounded unsure of himself and Stiles could practically read the unspoken ‘is this too much to ask?’ in his voice. “I need to be sure you know what we’re getting into here. What I can offer you, what I can’t. It’s not personal but I’m never going to want to have sex with you. Not because I’m not attracted to you, or that I don’t want you, but because…” He winced as he struggled for words, “because I express closeness in a different way. I don’t need or want sex to validate how I feel about you.”

Stiles wondered if Derek realised he hadn’t actually said how he feels felt him yet. His lips parted to say just that but Derek cut him off.

“I know that…to some people who feel a desire for sex it can feel like…settling. And I didn’t want to ask you to give up something you like. So I didn’t ask. For a long time.”

Stiles exhaled shakily, gently squeezing Derek’s shoulders so that they could roll back up to sit next to each other, still touching, still close, but able to look each other in the eye from the same level which felt important at that moment.

“I’m glad you asked. Because if you think I wouldn’t give up having sex once or twice a week or whatever to do this–” Stiles gestured between them, to their easy proximity, the place where they’d been cuddling moments before, “–with you then I think you’re not clear on how I feel about you either.” He swallowed thickly. “I wouldn’t consider it as ‘giving up’ anything. Not really.”

Derek looked a little flushed, his eyes bright with the soft glow of the lamplight. He was trying to tell Stiles that this was ‘all’ he could ever give him, but Stiles was trying to show him that there was no sacrifice in that. Not to him. It was just something they didn’t feel the same about, a difference in desires in just one aspect of their lives and it was a fairly significant difference, but it wasn’t everything. It didn’t counter all the other ways that they did fit together.

He didn’t feel restrained or awkward or hungry for something Derek couldn’t give. He just wanted to be with him, everyday, as close as Derek would have him.

It would probably take some time for them both to understand each other’s feelings, their likes or dislikes, but that was a part of any relationship, with or without sex.

“I’m not saying it’s not going to be an adjustment,” Stiles said, “that I won’t fuck up sometimes, because yeah I do find you attractive in all ways. Sexually included, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to pressure you or resent you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to see where this goes. I want you. What I feel for you, this closeness we have? It comes from love, not lust.”

It wasn’t a passionate inferno that was going to burn out in a few weeks or months, but a warm, glowing heat they could cultivate and sink into, wake up to every morning and fall asleep with every night.

“Am I going to have to go get a book so we can iron out the creases?” Stiles mused.

Derek looked thoughtful for a moment. “Not tonight.” He smirked. “I have to finish the last book first.”

Stiles laughed, and on impulse, leaned in to kiss the corner of Derek’s mouth. Derek looked pleased, if a little giddy when Stiles pulled back. “So for now, you’ll have to help show me the boundaries as we go, right?”

Derek nodded, expression soft, hair all mussed, eyes crinkling a little at the corners.

“So…there’s a hefty portion of cheesecake leftover in the fridge. Would the boundaries be good with it joining us on my bed upstairs for some sort of movie-snuggle-type situation?”

Derek’s smile was subtle and devastating all at once. “The boundaries would be good with that.” And he dipped his head a little with that shy little nod Stiles had only seen a few times before. And even if it wouldn’t always be as easy as this, if he could see Derek look at him like that, he thought they’d do just fine.

“What book were you on when you realised you loved me?” Stiles asked as they sat on his bed a little later, fighting with two forks over the best bits of the leftover Oreo marshmallow cheesecake while the opening of the movie sounded on his bedroom TV.

“Probably somewhere around Casino Royale and The Book Thief,” he answered, a teasing glint in his eye. “Although I started to question how much I really liked you when you gave me The Wolf Man.”

Stiles cackled delightedly and while he was distracted, Derek stole the last piece of cheesecake.

The End.

[thespeedyreader]

The Oxbridge application process

Hey, stxdywarrior here! I’ve recently just applied to Cambridge University to study English, and I wanted to share my tips and experiences to help you if you’re interested in applying. First of all, if you’re applying to Oxford or Cambridge, that’s great! They’re both amazing universities, and applying is going to be challenging but so rewarding. I have no doubt that you’ll excel, whatever you want to do.

Please share this and add to it if you wish to!

A quick note: While this masterpost is general, I have to stress that lots of these tips may only apply to humanities subjects. I don’t have much to say about the sciences, I’m afraid. If you are applying for a science, however, I still hope you can find some great content in here for you.

UCAS application

Okay, first thing’s first: the application itself. Applying to Oxbridge is different because you have to have your UCAS form sent by October 15th (while everyone else has the luxury of waiting until January), and while that sounds stressful, it’s a great feeling to get it done early, trust me. And this means having applied to ALL your chosen universities, not just Oxford or Cambridge.

Another thing that’s different about Oxbridge is that they’re collegiate universities, so you’ll have to choose a college. Or, you can choose to make an open application, meaning you’ll be assigned a college later by the university. Don’t stress too much about this stage - people choose certain colleges for all sorts of reasons, and they’re all good anyway. I chose my college because it was small and had good student wellbeing services.

Because the deadline is so early, I would recommend you start thinking about your personal statement by Summer, so that when you get back in September, you can hit the ground running. Here are a few tips I have for your personal statement:

 Get all the help you can. And by this I mean: ask everyone you know who might be helpful to have a look over it. This means teachers, family members, classmates, and anyone you know who’s recently been through the same process you are going through.

That being said, make sure all of the opinions don’t leave you at see. I found it really hard when one person was telling me one thing and another was telling me the opposite, but I learned to balance my OWN judgements with other peoples’.

Don’t worry about the character count until your last drafts. Make sure you nail the content first.

It doesn’t matter how many drafts you have to get through, as long as you save all the drafts. I think I got through like 14 drafts?

Don’t JUST write it for Oxbridge. What I mean is, the other universities on your list matter too. So even though Oxbridge don’t care much about your extracurriculars, that doesn’t mean you should ignore them.

It isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality. Even if you’ve only done a few things, if you write about them well, then they’re still just as impressive.

A tip not everyone hears is that the universities want to hear about your personal response to things. Don’t just say you read a book; say how it made you feel, and why you were interested in it. Use phrases like ‘I was fascinated by’ and ‘this intrigued me’. I’m serious.

Remember that your personal statement is literally the hardest piece of writing you have to do. It’s easy to feel daunted by it, but there are plenty of resources out there to help.

Supplementary Application Questionnaire (Cambridge only)

If you’ve applied to Cambridge, you’ll soon get ask to do the SAQ. This isn’t a big deal, but it’s quite a long form to fill out, so it’s best to do it carefully and start early. You’ll be asked things like what modules you’ve studied in your a levels, and you have to include a profile photo of yourself. At the end, you can also write an additional personal statement. This is optional, but just for reference, my one included some things I’d done that I hadn’t included on my personal statement, and I related them to some of the specific modules on the Cambridge course.

Entrance exams

Depending on which subject you’re applying for, you may be asked to sit an exam. This will be typically registered through your school or college, and it’s important to make sure you sign up before the deadline (which will be set by your school). The exams happen around late October.

As I was applying for English, I took the ELAT (English Literature Admissions Test). In the ELAT I was given six texts (poems or novel excerpts), all linked by a theme, and I had to pick two to ‘compare and contrast’. So there was no set structure, and I couldn’t strictly revise for it. In terms of preparation, you can find past papers, and it also helps to do language analysis of some unseen poetry just so you’re used to it. You will NEVER be tested on things you don’t know; they’re more looking for the way you form and present an argument.

Essay submission

Depending on which subject you’re applying for (mainly humanities), you may be asked by email to submit essays to your chosen college. I was asked to send in two essays that I’d done in a school setting (I got to choose, whew), and I needed to print four copies of each (no idea why) and get my teachers to sign it to prove it was my work. The essays can’t be edited.

One thing to note is that, while Oxford usually let you email them, Cambridge are still in the Dark Ages and will only receive them by post. So if you’re applying to Cambridge and are a confused millennial like me, who literally never uses post, I’d get the essays in early.

Another thing is that my college constantly emailed me reminders about the essay deadline, so unless you live under a rock you can’t miss it.

The interview

As the final stage of the application process, you will (hopefully!) be invited to interview. They’ll let you know by email in late November. Cambridge typically invite about 80% of applicants, whereas Oxford invite less, which I think is about 50%. So if you get an interview, congratulations! And don’t panic. People say it’s the biggest factor in the process, when in reality the universities treat each part of your application equally.

Interviews are done differently by each university. In Oxford, you’ll be asked to stay at your college for a few days, because not only do your college interview you, but your application is sent around other colleges, so you could be invited to interview at another college at any time. (Sorry I can’t shed more light on this, as I didn’t apply to Ox.) In Cambridge, you only get interviewed by one college, and you have the option of staying overnight or just going for the day.

How to prepare:

While you don’t need to go overboard with this one, do read a lot around your subject in the few weeks beforehand, so that if they ask, “so, what have you been reading lately?”, you’ve got a lot to say.

If you have the opportunity to do a practise interview, take it. My school organised one for me, but even if your school doesn’t, find someone - like a teacher - who can do it for you. Even if it’s them just grilling you on your personal statement, at least you’ll be used to articulating your arguments in an interview setting.

If you sent in essays, make sure you read over those essays beforehand. They asked me about one of mine.

Map out some generic questions that they might ask you. For English, for example, I researched questions like, “is it better to read a play or see it in production?” and “what’s the difference between literacy and literature?” and even “what is literature?”

You’ll be notified by email the professors who will be interviewing you. I’d recommend looking them up (they’ll be on your college website) and finding out what they specialise in.

Read over your personal statement as many times as you have to. They’re very likely to ask you about something on there.

This sounds cliche, but PLEASE look after yourself before the interview. It always takes place right at the end of a really busy term, so watch out for colds and things (I’m telling you this because I was recovering from a chest infection when I interviewed, and had only just got my voice back RIP)

The interview itself

If you’re doing a humanities subject, you might be given a source or written extract to look at before one of the interviews, and then they’ll discuss it with you. I’d bring lots of highlighters for you to annotate. (I was expected to just be given a poem for English, but I actually got a poem AND part of a critical essay. Go figure.)

No one cares what you’re wearing. I mean, wear sensible stuff, but there’s no need to try to hard.

This is a bit random, but my teacher told me to make a list of all the things I love about my second choice university the night before, to remind myself that Oxbridge isn’t everything. Believe it or not, it worked.

You have to expect to be put on the spot, and this means on-your-feet thinking. I heard they can smell a rehearsed answer from a mile away.

When you’re waiting to interview, you’ll probably meet loads of other applicant like you. It’s up to you whether you chat with them or not - I know some people like to keep themselves to themselves to keep their focus, while I personally loved getting to know people, as chatting helped me stay calm. Either way, everyone’s in the same boat, so don’t worry.

If you’re like me, and easily get distracted by social media, I’d recommend staying off it for the whole day if you can. I did this, and it helped me protect my mental space and keep out negative thoughts.

Some of your interviewers might come across as a bit scary. They might also disagree with everything you say, which can be off-putting. Try not to worry too much if this happens - stand your ground.

When you make an argument, be prepared to justify it, but also, if you want to change your mind, do it. The interviewers are looking for a teachable mind, not someone who’s right all the time and knows everything, so show you have an open mind.

Once the interview’s over, all you have to do is get some well-deserved rest and wait! Try not to overthink how it went, because in reality you have no idea. Some people think they did awfully, but end up getting an offer, so.

The decision

Okay, here’s the truth: Oxbridge is not the be-all and end-all. It just isn’t. Your worth and intelligence cannot be defined by an institution.

For when you’re waiting for a decision: think of Oxbridge as a bonus. This is what I did: I had another university as my ‘first choice’, so that Cambridge was just an extra.

If you don’t get an offer: You will be so happy at wherever you decide to go instead. Think of it as Oxford or Cambridge’s loss, not yours - hundreds of applicants who are very much smart enough to get a place don’t, and that isn’t because they aren’t good enough.

While it’s okay to feel disappointed, it’s best to focus on the amazing learning experience that applying has been. You’ve shown yourself that you can handle all that while still maintaining your priorities and sense of self. So you should STILL be proud.

If you do get an offer: Congratulations! Party time. Except it’s not time to party just yet, because you’ve still got to get the a level grades to secure your spot.

I hope this helped! Don’t hesitate to ask me anything else you want to know.

Just tagging a few people who have been through the same process/have asked about it: @rebeccaravenclaw @littlebitofstudy @lesbianlondongrammar @sectumsempracurse

[emmastudies]

Hi Emma, I really love your blog! I am thinking about buying an I Pad Pro but I am not sure if I will actually use it enough to justify buying it as I already have a laptop that I usually do all of my school work on. Would you say now that you have both you use them equally, and what do you do on your I Pad that you can't do on your computer? Overall would you recommend having both? Sorry for the long question!

Hey! Thank you :-) I definitely had a major debate before really considering it - I wondered if I’d actually use it and whether it was worth the money. Our family iPad died so we wanted to upgrade anyway so it turned into a necessary move! For me, I like the iPad as a complimentary piece to my laptop. I think a 2 in 1 (e.g. Surface Book is such a clever device) but since I already have a computer, getting the iPad was a better idea. My 15″ laptop was difficult for actual mobility to university - it is heavy and too big for my bag so it wasn’t the easiest thing to deal with when my old computer started to go downhill. I thought the iPad would be awesome to digital notes (in and out of class), as well as being more portable and lightweight. It definitely is both of those. Using it in class is really awesome - I love having it. The pencil works perfectly and I feel I’m more engaged in the content, rather than having a shopping tab or something opened on my laptop. I typed all my notes previous and yes, it was faster, but I feel I did rely on my quick typing to just copy it word for word - rather than taking it in. I use the iPad at university much more than I do my laptop so it has replaced it as the physical thing I take for notes. I also do use it on the bus, in the car or on the train to do my readings. I can’t always take notes but I can highlight and read through things on the way. I could do it on my laptop but the iPad makes it easier - especially on public transport.As for home, I find it really handy. I use it to write notes on the readings and organising my day-to-day uni stuff. I don’t tend to use my laptop for notes on readings but most of the time will have the document open on there so the iPad can be full screen. The iPad does mean I can be sitting on the sofa and writing notes - whereas paper, I have to be at a flat surface. But, the iPad will not replace my laptop - if I could only have one, as much as the iPad is a convenience, I’d pick the laptop. It just does so much more that I need, both for personal and studies, that the iPad can’t. For big assessments, I wouldn’t use the iPad particularly. I would still research on my laptop since it is much easier to have many tabs open. I would probably still handwrite notes on paper since I like having the copy in my hand (and thrown on the desk) when dealing with a big task. Having to swipe can make it hard to find or remember where something is on the page. I also wouldn’t want to use the iPad for big documents/essays/etc. Some things it isn’t capable of and doing long essays on there wouldn’t be fun in my opinion. I prefer my laptop keyboard to the iPad and you can’t use a mouse with the iPad which can make editing so so hard. The iPad is really funky for essay editing in terms of reading through and highlighting/annotating (on apps like GoodNotes) but to actually change words, move chunks around and all that jazz, I’d rather my laptop. Another thing I do like about the iPad is that I can plan on there - obviously my laptop does that too, but the iPad is more functional with the Apple Pencil! I do really like the iPad and think you have the means, it is worth investing in should you find it beneficial / that is can bring something new to your studies. It has replaced my laptop at uni but not really at home - if that makes sense? I wish I had had one in my high school years but still would have wanted a laptop too. There definitely isn’t a need to buy the Pro if you wanted a cheaper alternative. The 2018 iPads are still good for students, the Pro just has a few things that give it a better spec but probably negligible really (unless you wanted it for the size). I hope that helps! If you have any other questions, let me know xx

[anything4marks-blog]

Why you should read digitally

William Howard Gass, author of the article “In Defense Of The Book”, argues that printed books have great value that e-books can never give by saying:

“Words on a screen have visual qualities, to be sure, and these darkly limn their shape, but they have no materiality, they are only shadows, and when the light shifts they'll be gone. Off the screen, they do not exist as words. They do not wait to be reseen, reread; they only wait to be remade, relit. I cannot carry them beneath a tree or onto a side porch; I cannot argue in  their margins; I cannot enjoy the memory...”

He wrote this article, however, in 1999.

Digital technology has made tremendous progress since then.

In 1999, the Google search engine and Bluetooth were officially launched. The idea of website blog was popularized.

In 2002, 75% of journals are online in Science Citation Index®.

In 2004,  the term Web 2.0 begins to appear frequently. Google Books starts working with university and public libraries to digitize books from their collections and make them searchable on Google. 

In 2007, iPhone was released, continues the shift to handheld digital devices. The same year, Amazon released the Kindle, it sold out in 5 and half hours.

In 2009, The World Digital Library was launched.

In 2010, Apple launched the first iPad.

...

In 2018, people out of every 7 in the world own a cell phone. Digital information is more accessible than ever. 

Since more and more people are now reading digitally rather than reading printed books, the “E-books or printed books?” debate is intensified.

As a book lover who has changed the way of reading only from last year, I understand why people love classic books, but I also see so many benefits of reading digitally. Here I’d like to give some ideas about why you should read e-books.

More Convenience

E-readers are much lighter and more portable than printed books! With an e-reader, you can store all sorts of books in one device and carry it anywhere.

Take a kindle as an example:

*The measurements of a Kindle basic is from Amazon official website, the size and weight of an average book are from Reference.com. 

You can also calculate the precise weight of a book at Bookmobile.

This is one of the main reasons why I use e-readers. I used to have a bookshelf full of heavy printed books, but I travel a lot and cannot take many books with me. Now I am able to store countless books on my kindle or my phone.

More Functions

E-readers have more humanized design than regular books.

You can change font size as you like.

You can read e-books under any light conditions.

You can highlight words and put bookmarks without other tools.

You can use dictionary and annotations when reading Old-English or in a second language.

You can also share your thoughts with the readers around the world reading the same book.

You can add books to wishing list first and get notifications for book sale promotions. 

...

Although some argue that personalized recommendations of e-books on digital stores may from a “filter bubble”, I personally do not think this argument stands: we do have preferences, one would search for the types of books he or she likes whether in a bookstore or online.  

Better Durability

E-books are more durable than paper books.

When you lose a printed book, the only way to bring it back is to buy a new one. But you’ll lose all your notes. While for e-books, you can always restore your books and reading progress from the cloud using other devices. 

Unlike printed books,  e-books in the cloud do wear out, they cannot be torn up or stolen.

Better Accessibility & More Collections

In the networked period, fast peer reviews, open resources, and rich collections brought by digitalization are the keys towards intellectual achievements.

Before the World Wide Web, some scientific discoveries ( eg.Mendel's concept of the laws of genetics) took a long time to be noticed by the world due to old methods of transmitting and reviewing academic works. With e-journals, scholars around the world are able to view each other’s works and give comments.

Nowadays, most journals are published online. Ironically, Gass’s work “In Defense Of The Book” is also shared online for students to download.

Also, as mentioned earlier, antique book collections need to be kept carefully from outside contaminations, some even need to be stored in special environments. Therefore, ordinary people like you and I do not have access to them until we have the World Digital Library, which makes available on the Internet, free of charge and in multilingual format, significant primary materials from all countries and cultures. As Robert Danton suggests, the democratization of knowledge can be achieved by digitizing and opening up collections.

The World Digital Library has digitalized 19,147 items about 193 countries between 8000 BCE and 2000.

Check out their collections at the World Digital Library!

Besides the World Digital Library, Google has also built a library with 25 million collections. Amazon Kindle store has 5 million e-books with 75,000 under 1$.

Better Price

Since e-books can be published at a relatively low cost, they are much cheaper than printed books. Readers can save a lot of money in a long term.

I used to read only classic paper books, but I often cannot afford all the books on my wishing list. I had spent a large amount of money on books before I bought a Kindle last year. The $100 I spent on a Kindle was the best investment I have ever made: I now read around 20 e-books per month and have saved money far more than $100. 

More Eco-friendly

According to Epublishers Weekly, every 200 million ebook downloads can save 3,200,000 trees. Printed materials, on the other hand, waste a lot of resources.

“One year of Sunday newspapers, produced by the New York Times, is responsible for the destruction and consumption of more than 3,900,000 trees.”

Digital publishing and reading brings many environmental benefits, including:

Reducing paper consumption and save trees

Saving money and energy used in book production

Saving the cost of packaging materials

Eliminating the pollution caused by producing and shipping books

In Conclusion

You really should try reading digitally if you:

Travel a lot

Move house regularly

Are willing to help save trees

Want to save money spend on books 

Cannot find hard copies of books you want to read

[useyourrwords]

Month in Review // The Month From Hell – March

This month has given me more breakdowns than I can count.

So maybe it’s not the single worst month I’ve ever lived but honestly, it’s pretty high up there!

Between a car accident, still going through the mess of changing names, pain, oh so much fucking pain, a new doctor who doesn’t know how to help me, and an altercation I wish to just forget, I’m just about ready to hide under my blankets and never leave my room.

Unfortunately, that’s not an option and so I am sitting at me desk at work writing this instead.

If you would like to buy any of the following books please consider using my Book Depository Affliate link!

         Month’s TBR

│The Dream Thieves││

│Skylarks││

│The Surface Breaks││

│The Female of the Species│││

│Sharp Objects││

│Blue Lily, Lily Blue││

│Truly Devious││

│Khutulun│tatterhood│Agnodice│Te Puea Herangi│Moremi Ajasoro│Sybil Ludington│Kurmanjan Datka│Andamana│Mary Seacole│Florence Nightingale│Gráinne “Grace O’Malley” Ni Mháille│Rejected Princesses││

│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads││

     Read

│The Surface Breaks│Lousie O’Neill│││││★★★★│Read Mar 13│

This book was so unapologetically feminist, I loved it.

│The Dream Thieves│The Raven Cycle #2│Maggie Stiefvater│││││★★★★★│Read Mar 25│

I think I jumped into this book too quickly after finishing the first so it took me a while to get through it but I got there eventually.

│Truly Devious│Truly Devious #1│Maureen Johnson│││││DNF Mar 22│

I don’t think fiction audiobooks are for me! at least not ones I haven’t already read. I’m switching to Non-Fic/memoirs and I’ll try rereading a fave eventually to see how I go with that.

│I’ve Got This Round│Mamrie hart││││

After realising ficiton audiobooks weren’t for me I needed a win so I returned Truly Devious for this because i love Mamrie and there’s no way I wouldn’t love this. I was right.

│Skylarks│Karen Gregory│││││

I’ve just been super invested in this one. I don’t know if it’s because i wasn’t reading it regularly since I normally read ARCs while I’m exercising…and I’ve not been exercising like at all this month. I don’t know. I’ll give it another go next month if I have time but otherwise it’ll probably be pushed back to May.

│Rad Girls Can│Kate Schatz│││││

I switched to this ARC since it’s only 112 pages and I figured SURELY I can finish this before the month is up. Nope. So April it is!

│Khutulun│tatterhood│Agnodice│Te Puea Herangi│Moremi Ajasoro│Sybil Ludington│Kurmanjan Datka│Andamana│Mary Seacole│Florence Nightingale│Gráinne “Grace O’Malley” Ni Mháille│Rejected Princesses│Jason Porath│││││

│Empress Xi Ling Shi│Hatsheput│Agnodice│Trung Trӑc & Trung Nhi│Fatima Al-Fihri│Bygone Badass Broads│Mackenzi Lee│││││

I didn’t do much but at least I got my entries read for both of these!

Book of the Month

│The Female of the Species│Mindy McGinnis││││││★★★★★│Read Mar 31│

Once I realised just how little I read this month and made myself power through this one and omg it was soooo good and worth it. I needed this book this month.

│Average Rating: 4.5★’s│ 5│

Structured TBR Pass or Fail?

│Must Read:  3/5│ 0/1│ 0/0│ 2/2│ 3/3│ 10/10│ 5/5│

│Allowances:  1/1│ 1/1│ 0/0│ 0/0│ 0/1│

Clearly this was a terrible reading month. I got hardly any reading done. I started off relatively strong but then I stopped exercising (for reasons I’ll go into further later in this post) so that was less time spent reading. And then I spent far more time watching TV when I should have been reading because Depression. And the audiobook wasn’t really working out for me so I didn’t get that read either. FUN.

     Haul

│Barbed Wire Heart│Tess Sharpe│││

I loved Far From You so when I saw this was available on Netgalley I knew I needed it! And it wasn’t even a request, just one you could immediately download and my international blogger heart is v. v. thankful.

│Vicious│Villains #1│V.E. Schwab││

│Vengeful│Villains #1│V.E. Schwab│││

If you’ve been paying attention to my hauls sections you’re probably thinking “doesn’t Grey already have both of these books and the answer to that is yes absolutely but listen.

I have the paperback copy of Vicious in the old cover art because i bought it years ago…Well my mum bought it for me years ago but same same.

Then it was announced that with the long-awaited release of Vengeful we’d get all new cover art so I knew I’d be re-buying the first no matter what.

And then the collector’s edition came out for Vicious.

So I bought that and then Book Depository listed the hardback for Vengeful as a collector’s edition and so I ordered that as a birthday present to myself.

Only I don’t actually think it is a collector’s edition because it doesn’t say so on the cover or anything but oh well.

So I finally have both books with new covers only I don’t want to read them because if I do, I’ll want to annotate them and I don’t annotate collector’s edition as a rule for myself.

So I had to buy the paperbacks. I just had to. My hands were tied. Did I really have the money to? No, but I’ve had a hard month so fuck it.

Past Grey Reads

 Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

 Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

 Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

       Film & TV

Honestly I barely remember what I did actually watch.

Month’s TBW

│The Bold Type│Season 2││

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11││

│I Am The Night│Season 1││

│The Umbrella Academy│Season 1││

│Russian Doll│Season 1││

│Sex Education│Season 1││

     Watched

│The Bold Type│Season 2││2017│ Sarah Watson│ Katie Stevens, Aisha Dee, Meghann Fahy│★★★★★│

This show is so fucking good, I’m not not so patiently waiting for the third season to come out next month!

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6││2013│ Daniel J. Goor, Michael Schur│ Andre Braugher, Andy Samberg, Stephanie Beatriz│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

The episode with the murder in the apartment and the making stupid promises to the mum and Jake slowly going crazy and Rosa with a different hair style every scene??? Iconic!

│RuPaul’s Drag Race│Season 11││2009│ RuPaul│RuPaul, Michelle Visage│Watching weekly episodes│★★★★★│

Between Miss Vanjie being the narrator of the season (and maybe my fave of all time), her hoemance with Brooke Lyn Heights, Yvie’s take no shit, own your shit attitude and Plastique’s fish???? I am in love with this season.

I could do without Silky’s obnoxious everything and R. Kelly style Untucked breakdowns but whatever.

│Russian Doll│Season 1││2019│  Leslye Headland, Natasha Lyonne, Amy Poehler│ Natasha Lyonne, Charlie Barnett, Greta Lee│★★★★★│

I am in love with Russian Doll and everything about it. It’s short, it’s smart, it’s quality TV and it’s fucking funny.

│Sex Education│Season 1││2019│ Laurie Nunn│ Asa Butterfield, Gillian Anderson, Emma Mackey│★★★★★│

This show is stupid funny but it’s also super intelligent and important. This is such a good show for teens to have easy access to and I can’t wait for the new season.

│Queer Eye│Season 3││2018│ Bobby Berk, Karamo Brown, Tan France │★★★★★│

This season had me crying my eyes out and I loved every second of it.

But my favourite moment is when Jody, on the first episode, comes out for the big reveal and the guys all lose their fucking minds! Especially Karamo’s and Antoni’s reactions. They were absolutely fucking gold.

│Game of Thrones│Season 1││2011│ David Benioff, D.B. Weiss│ Emilia Clarke, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington│★★★★│

I mean, yes I am well aware of the problems Game of Thrones have and I am trash for it anyway. Is it as amazing as I initially thought?? Not at all but I’m in too deep now I can’t just not watch the final season.

So here I am re-watching the entire show with my mum to drag it out just a little longer and hopefully by the time we’re all caught up the final season, in it’s entirety, will be well and truly out.

I just have to try and avoid spoilers until then…which should actually be very easy because of something I’ll announce in my Month Ahead post.

Me after this month.

     Music

│YUNGBLUD│11 Minutes + Halsey│Loner│Falling Skies + Charlotte Lawrence│

│Dodie│Burned Out│

│Troye Sivan + Lauv│i’m so tired…│

│Noah Cyrus│Sadness│Good Cry│

│Julia Michaels│Anxiety + Selena Gomez│Happy│

│Steve Aoki│Waste It on Me + BTS│

Past Grey Watches

 Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

 Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

 Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

Use Your Words Highlights

 Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

 Top Ten Tuesday // Audible and Overdrive Are My Lords & Saviors – My Audiobook TBR

     Blogosphere Highlights

│Laura @ The Book Corps│#UNSOLVEDATHON: A BUZZFEED UNSOLVED READATHON — ANNOUNCEMENT AND SIGN UP!│#UNSOLVEDATHON BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS!│

│Elise @ The Bookish Actress│Why I’m Not Honestly That Excited for Game of Thrones: Season Eight│Eighteen Things I’ve Learned In My First Eighteen Years│

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│True Crime Tuesday: The Moors Murders│

│Jamieson @ Jamishelves│IF YOU LIKE THIS BOOK YOU’LL LIKE THIS TV SHOW !│

│Vicky @ Vicky Who Reads│Stressed About College? These Book Recs Are For You!│

│Ellyn @ Allonsythornraxxbooks│5 TIPS ON ANNOTATING YOUR BOOKS!│

│Marie @ Drizzle & Hurricane Books│10 YA BOOKS DEALING WITH ANXIETY│

│Avery @ Red Rocket Panda│DOWN THE TBR HOLE | USING THE #KONMARIE METHOD FOR MY PHYSICAL SHELVES│

│Fadwa @ Word Wonders│#DIVERSEBOOKBLOGGERSDISCUSS: THE FANTASY OF HISTORICAL ROMANCE│(SOME) BOOK BLOGGING PRESSURES & HOW TO FIGHT THEM│WORD WONDERS’ TBR EXPANSION: BOOKS WITH EAST AND SOUTH EAST ASIAN MAIN CHARACTERS│MY PRODUCTIVITY TOOLS – OR HOW TO BE A MASTER ORGANIZER!│

│Aurora @ Aurora Librialis│5 Book Quotes for International Women’s Day│

│Swetlana @ The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│6 Reasons To Watch On My Block│

│Qui @ The Black Lit Queen│Diversity vs. Representation|BLQ Quick Guide│

│Madeline @ Caffeine & Writing Dreams│How to Write Scenes that Balance Plot & Character // Scene and Sequel Sequences│

Past Month In Review

 Month in Review // Christmas is Over Thank Fuck – December

 January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

 Month in Review // I FINALLY CHANGED MY NAME – February

Month’s Goals

 Get my mental health plan

 Book a therapy session I have to wait until April ahhhhhhhh

 Get a massage from mum —I just always forget okay

 Try and take a mental health day

 Try and take a mental health day later in the month

 Keep my shit together —HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

 Start journaling —I will get to this eventually…

 Quit soft drink 

 Start floor exercises—I keep adding this and never get around to it. —I couldn’t even go for my walks for most of the month so…

 Try and read 5 books —I can’t even say I tried. 

 Don’t waste all my time on The Sims 

 Go to Writers Week

Considering how shit this month was I count 7/12 goals reached a fucking accomplishment!

My Nightmare Month

So it started well enough. I went to Writers Week on two different days and thoroughly enjoyed myself! but then i got into a car accident on the way to my third day.

Which was stressful and anxiety inducing. It’s been a nightmare to work through all the aftermath. I didn’t know if the accident would be covered by insurance or if I would even hear from the person who hit me. And then when I did get the good news of being covered I basically had to micromanage the insurance company because they did everything slow and I couldn’t afford slow. So that was loads of phone calls which is something that causes me anxiety so YAY.

It’s mostly all sorted out. I still need to take my plates in and get a refund on my rego which I tried to do a couple days ago and got frustrated so that’s a task for another day.

     I did get to go to the Fringe Festival and see Daniel Sloss’s new comedy special which was absolutely brilliant! He talked about rape culture and really put the onus on men and how they need to work and go out of their way to think critically of themselves and society and what they can do to dismantle rape culture. I laughed and sobbed. My mum nearly pissed herself laughing and it was a great night out with to die for Sri-Lankan food hot buttered squid will blow your fucking mind! and I discovered that I like to drink Pimms.

     Throughout the month I’ve still been sorting out my name change because that is a long and drawn out process of changing my name everywhere and hitting road blocks constantly has be incredibly frustrating but I’m nearly finished!

I have also been doing all of this while in incredible pain because chronic illness.

My March mood

     Basically my feet have been very painful, I knew the solution, doctor refused me, mum took me to a doctor who knows our history and I got the solution so I can actually start walking regularly again which will help my mental health loads.

My mum also took me to replace all of my shoes which was both expensive and needed so I have the best shoes for walking and working and running around doing errands and going out!

I was ready to end the month on a positive. Sure the start had rattled me a lot, and I was big depressed because of pain for most of it but I did have a few great experiences and I’d resolved almost all the long running issues.

     And then while I was waiting for mum to finish work a couple of days ago, I sat and read in the foodcourt.

A man approached me and invaded my personal space and stared at me, knowing it would make me uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that it distracted me from the fact he was trying to steal my purse.

Thankfully I noticed at the last minute and grabbed it back because I would have been a fucking mess if I had gone to all the trouble replacing everything in my purse with my new name on it, only to have to do it all over again because someone stole my it all.

The man walked off but I would be lying if I said it didn’t terrify me. The way he stared at me was so unnerving and I don’t handle people being in my personal space…like at all. Even people I know and trust have to always ask permission first. I don’t let men I know in my personal space at all because I know what men are capable of. But to have a man I don’t know get in my face with the purpose to make me uncomfortable, especially after the month I’ve had, was enough for me to completely come undone.

I’m thankful for the cleaner for checking up on me, even though I burst into tears, and I’m thankful for the girl who approached me after as well to try and be supportive.

She had fire in her eyes and in that moment I had wished that that was what I looked like instead of the girl I was, not being able to hold back tears and trying to keep calm in the middle of an anxiety attack.

More than anything, I’m thankful for my mum for being so supportive and understanding and being exactly what I needed her to be and for calling out the men who made things worse, while trying to help, when I didn’t have the strength to.

I’ve argued with myself on whether to share this and maybe I might delete it all before it gets published, but I think it’s important for women to share their experiences with how men have preyed upon them, whether sexually or not, and how men continue to use their power to get what they want from us, regardless of the negative impact it has on us.

I just—girls, women, know that if something like this happens to you, if something worse happens to you, it’s not your fault, it’s never your fault. The way you react to it is right because it’s your experience and your emotions. I’m trying to remind myself of that. 

And men, know that if you’re not actively trying to stop this shit from happening, aren’t pulling your friends up for those gross comments they make, then you’re part of the fucking problem. I don’t want to hear that you personally would never do this. That shit isn’t enough. It’s never been enough. This all lies at your feet and fuck you for helping to hold up a society that makes us think any of it is our own fault.

And if something like this happens to a girl or woman you know then ask her what she needs, ask her the best way for you to help. Because nine times out of ten the way you react naturally is going to be the complete fucking opposite of what she needs and you might make things worse. And that’s on you, not her.

Past Month Ahead

 Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

 February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

 Month Ahead // Writers Week, Comedy & Too Much To Do – March

Thank fuck March is over.

What did you do this month? What did you read? What did you watch? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

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Tips for Used Book Purchase I just received my textbook that I ordered directly from Amazon and I'm very pleased so far. Since I didn't want to pay over $100 for a book, I purchased a used copy that was noted to be in "good" condition for about $20 (prices will vary on condition available). The book arrived as described, with little to no damage--basically, it's exactly as it was described, if not slightly better. Go to Amazon

this seemed awesome. We downloaded the kindle app At first, this seemed awesome. We downloaded the kindle app, and everything worked well. Then, when I tried to go back in and open the book about the 3rd or 4th time, it wouldn't open. I had to delete it and then re download it. It worked again and I thought the problem was solved. However, when I go to open it today, to complete an assignment, it wont open again. I went through the same steps to re download it, and nothing will work. I still have 131 days on the rental.This is extremely frustrating when I am trying to do school work, and I can't get the book to open with 131 days left on the rental. I would not recommend this for other students since it is not reliable and will quit working. Go to Amazon

Other than that the book is good. Definitely needed for my course Doesn't come with access code if you are using MyBizLab for your class. I thought it would have but didn't so I had to purchase the access code separately when some books have the access code you will need. Other than that the book is good. Definitely needed for my course. Quick delivery as well. Go to Amazon

... it on the kindle reading app and it was great! I could highlight I rented this on my iPad through amazon but had to use it on the kindle reading app and it was great! I could highlight, make notecards, and annotate the book all through the app. I would high light the specific terms I needed for my exams and highlight the definitions given and simply copy and paste that information on the notecards. I used the notecards to test myself before exams and it worked! I highly suggest renting this book and using it on a computer or tablet. The phone will be too small to receive the full experience of this book and/or the app. Go to Amazon

Not too bad! This came with the access card, so I enjoy the supplemental web exercises. Great price for a lot of useful information! I really like that I can tear the pages out. When I go to my class, I don't want to have to carry a whole book for just the chapter we're working on. I have so many heavy books as it is, so the option of tearing it the pages out is very convenient. (I wish all text books had perforated pages.) The content of the book itself is very boring, but it could be the subject itself so I don't want to downgrade the book just because it's boring. Go to Amazon

Lot to Learn Usually, after finishing a class, if I feel that the textbook would serve me no purpose later on, I sell back. This is a really good book. This is one book that I will be keeping for future reference. I actually enjoyed the reading and learned a lot from it. There are so many terms, analogies, and sayings to learn about business and the function of it(from many stand points). This book tels all from the customers view, to the owner,a nd the legality of it all. Old book but really good, educational reading. If you're looking to be your own boss, now or later, this is reading to take into consideration. OR any other type of business literature for that matter. Go to Amazon

very hard to understand Very difficult book to understand. Concepts are taught in a complicated way. Go to Amazon

Thumbs Up from a Student I'm a first year business student and I love this book. It is clearly written in plain English and conversational style, and contains current examples including but not limited to Starbucks, McDonalds, and Wal-mart. It's a thin (1/2'') book, leading me to believe that I didn't read all semester. :) I thought this book was great. Go to Amazon

Lol Wrong package Five Stars Five Stars Five Stars Five Stars enjoyed reading, learned so much Five Stars Four Stars Five Stars