#I wish I could deep deep bark and get in that angry dog stance with the curled up lips

[milo-is-rambling]

The saddest thing about my anger issues is that he isn’t even like my step dad or whatever he’s just some dude who’s dating my mom but like. I wish I had eye lasers.

[kindajared]

Loss (DarylXReader)

(Fluff and violence, that’s about all you can expect. Enjoy <3 Also S9 Spoilers)

You sat yourself down on the infirmary’s second bed, sucking in a breath. Your shoulder hung a bit loose from its dislocation and your left forearm pulsed with pain, it was screaming. Your bone had been shattered from your hard fall. You rested it over your thighs, which were as sore as they came. Your knees had been bleeding so your pants were soaked with blood from that area down. It was safe to say you were trashed.

Your neck was limp as you stared at your lap. Little droplets began to fall onto your forearm then. You had begun to cry, you wished you had been dreaming, but you hadn’t. You started to let out small whimpers then out came small cries of pain.

You had just lost one of your best friends. Someone you had loved so deeply. He was like a brother, like real family, something you hadn’t had for a very long time. You knew there was nothing you could have done, but no matter how you thought about it, you were somehow partially to blame. You just wished you were brave, but you really weren’t.

You had gone out with Daryl, Aaron and Jesus, whom you were all close with, to find Eugene who had been missing. After Rosita had returned in bad shape, you knew Eugene had to be in a world of hurt even without her informing you.

Eugene was found under the floorboards of a shed not too deep in the woods. The trap door was covered with a mountain hay, incredibly clever. He was found with a dislocated knee, no fun at all.

On your expedition, you saw something very strange, very strange. Something you had all never seen before. Walkers had never acted in such a way before. They seemed to be acting very…intelligently. You didn’t shrug it off, but it was not as important as finding your friend. Daryl set up an alarm for the things to pay attention to in the field they resided in as you continued to search. You roamed until nightfall until Daryl’s dog finally caught a scent.

You were led into a medium sized shed in the woods, and that was where you found Eugene. This was where you called out for Eugene and found him underneath the hay  in the trap door. The perfect place to lie low. It was difficult to move him given his knee. He had disclosed some disturbing information about the herd you had just seen, but you all assumed he was just blabbering.

You soon came to find that that may have not been blabber. The herd did indeed to seem to have an agenda. To find you. Eugene attempted to give explanations, but to no avail. The herd was following behind quick and you all had to act fast, Eugene insisted to stay behind, but like hell were you leaving him. Daryl stayed behind to distract the herd as the rest of you continued your track home.

 The herd did not stop to observe Daryl’s distraction of firecrackers. Their moans and growls followed you close behind, and the smell was ripe. Through fog, you came upon a graveyard and chose to go in, the brittle and broken brick walls hopefully slowing them. Yet the plan didn’t work much at all. As you struggled to lift Eugene over the opposite wall you chose to turn and fight as they closed in, appearing out from the fog. Your moves that you had learned from both Aaron and Jesus came in hand as you kicked and pushed, large ribbed dagger in hand. Jesus fought well with his sword and Eugene was still able to do damage.

And behind the fence, which you had tried to dig under, you heard a familiar voice. It was Michonne. Thank god, it was Michonne! You, Eugene and Michonne pushed at the gate together, a few of her allies along with. Slowly the gate began to open, pushing the compact dirt with it. You let out the smallest of relieved breaths before you fell, getting your arm stuck in the gate, when you pulled it back you yelled out in pain, momentarily, but got back up. You felt the pain in your shoulder and forearm, it was white hot. Your knees wobbled and you held your forearm, trting to see if you could move it. It was limp. Aaron quickly arrived behind you and you heard him yell for Jesus and you immediately joined. Both your eyes widened as you saw him stabbed. He cried out before was still, then fell to the ground. You screamed from behind the gate, frozen in place for an unacceptable amount of time. After you snapped out of it, you ran back into the fight in a rage, practically throwing your strong around as you knocked walkers down one by one. Once the scene fell silent, you watched Aaron kneel next to your friend’s motionless body. Your face was stiff with anger as your eyes filled with tears.

You heard Daryl’s voice behind you, but you were reluctant to turn. You fell to your knees. You let out huff. Trying to hold it together. When you saw Aaron look up, you finally turned.

Laying on the ground was no walker; it was a man. Your clenched your jaw as you began to hear whispering.

 “Circle round.”

 You quickly rose. In a fighting stance.

 “Dieeee now.”

Daryl’s dog began to bark. Michonne ordered the group to leave. You were reluctant as Daryl stayed behind. You reached for his arm, but he was already continuing the fight.

You watched as Jesus’ body was lifted. You were helpless then, helpless the whole time.

Daryl and Michonne covered you all as you ran, closing and locking the gate behind you. You left running. You were ooutta there.

-

And that was the story of how you got where you were, how pathetic you turned out to be in all of this, as scary as it was. You would mind reliving it before…before the cemetery,,,before Eugene.

You began to weep as you replayed the whole thing in your head. The dirt on your face resided in the tears that had fallen. You bit your entire bottom lip in hopes of quieting yourself. As the sun shined from the outside in, you looked up to see who had walked in the door.

It was Daryl, but you let your head fall back down, not even trying to look at him,

 “I don’t know what to do.”

You felt the bed move as he sat beside you. Your small cries threatened to return, but you wouldn’t let them. You hadn’t dealt with this much pain before. You remembered when you lost Rick, but this was so much different for you. This felt more real for some reason. You really saw it happen.

“You don’t have to sit with me.”

You spoke again, words incredibly pained. You were embarrassed. Looking weak was not something you enjoyed doing. You began to take control of your breaths then, but it was difficult.

You soon felt an arm around you, but it was gentle. You let out a small hiss because of your shoulder and he pulled his arm back.

“No, it’s okay.”

You looked up to see a saddened Daryl, hair covering his eyes. He rested his arm around you, but this time it was just behind your upper back. He wasn’t speaking, but you understood why. Your eyes looked from your arm to his face down and back, not knowing what to do or say, so you just hugged him with your strong arm, twisting your body to face him.

You thought it appropriate for him to cry, but he didn’t. That just wasn’t who he was. You had a lot to say, but you just couldn’t say it. Words of comfort, but you weren’t sure if he wanted them. You assumed not.

“Might as well get this over with.”

He finally spoke, which surprised you. You both pulled back from your embrace.

“Get what over with?”

He took ahold of your shoulder and your bicep but didn’t even give you a glance before shoving your upper arm back into the socket of your shoulder. You let out a yell.

“DARYL”

Your mouth was agape as you stared at him. Angry. He quickly moved his hand across his face, getting his hair out of the way so he could look at you fully. A small smirk was on his face.

“You’re a bastard.”

You scowled at him. Though you wouldn’t lie. There was now a small lack of pain. You slowly shrugged your shoulder, grunting.

“You’re welcome.”

He said simply, as if he did you a favor, which he did, but he gave you no warning, it wasn’t exactly something you enjoyed.

“Yeah, thanks…”

Your tone was sarcastic and harsh, but the smirk on his face made you do the same, but only for a moment before the tears returned. You could barely feel joy right now. You looked down again, sucking in a breath.

“I’m so so- “

He pulled you in for a hug. Your face buried in his neck. Though you didn’t return the gesture, it warmed your heart. He rubbed your back slowly, which calmed you down.

The sigh you let out was shaky, but it was obvious what he did helped you and hopefully that let him know.

You and Daryl were as close as you could be, but he would always be a mystery. You cherished moments like these because this was a side he never showed to anyone.

He pulled away after a few minutes, causing you to sniffle in surprise.

“You should lie down.”

He got up, observing your face. You wondered yourself how you looked. You assumed it wasn’t good. Your eyes were bloodshot, and your hair was filthy.

“You can’t stay?”

“Nah,”

You frowned, but understood, laying down and getting comfortable, head on the pillow.

“But I’ll be back.”

He assured you. He leaned down as you nodded, kissing you on the forehead. You blushed profusely. He’s never done that before. You could not say you minded it.

“I’ll get the doc.”

Was all he said before leaving. You observed the angel wings on his vest as he walked out, leaving you to suffer in the lonely silence. You were safe, yes, but having him with you was the only way you really felt like that was the case.

You relaxed then, resting your arm on your stomach. You let your tired eyes fall shut and fell into a deep sleep.

[toloveawarlord]

Jonah x MC “It Matters”

You can find my masterlist in my bio!

I am such a failure at completing these but do not fret cause I will be finishing them!

@ikemen-obssessed I finally finished the fic that you won ages ago for 500 Followers! I kinda went a little over on the word count but I hope you enjoy it!

Warning: Some smut

She was meant to be meeting Jonah at the fountain in Central Quarter. She was meant to be dressed more appropriately. She was meant to be excited for their first date in over two weeks. Yet, here she was, standing in a back alley with her hands balled into fists, itching to throw a punch. The two men she faced wore equally amused expressions, successfully angering her more.

“Who are you? The Queen of Heart's little guard dog? Barking about when someone insults your master?” One asked, casting an amused smile at his companion. Both chuckled, unaware of the rage that was going to be unleashed at any moment.

Hafsah cocked her head to the side, taking slow but deliberate steps towards them. "This little guard dog's bark is nothing compared to her bite!" Her height limited her range of a swing, but it didn't stop her fist from connecting to his throat.

The man reeled back, clutching his neck as he wheezed violently. His eyes burned, bringing tears to them. Waving his hand in her direction, he silently told his friend to attack.

Her hand to hand combat skills were not ones she learned by training, but by getting herself in situations like this. Her vision swam red. They had the audacity to be slandering the Queen of Hearts name in broad daylight. And Hafsah swore to make them pay.

The second man stalked towards her, managing to divert her attention to his fists that were merely a distraction. As she ducked down to avoid the light swing, her eyes grew wide at her mistake. Striking out his foot, the man landed a solid blow to her torso, sending her stumbling backwards.

In her recoil, Hafsah smacked into the garbage can, a ringing sound growing heavy in her ears.. The idea struck her so well that her lips quirked up into a smile. Just a bit closer… Grabbing the heavy metal lid of the bin, she used her entire body weight to slam it into his face with a most satisfying crunch.

"You little bitch!" The man held his nose that poured blood. Despite his injury, he pulled a blade to attack once again.

Her anger got the better of her most days, and today was no different. His slender dagger sliced through the air, narrowly missing her as she pivoted on her right foot to avoid it. "You're the low lives that thought you could bad mouth Jonah and get away with it!"

The first man, still coughing to catch his breath, wobbled closer to her, striking his foot out into the back of her knee.

Hafsah lurched forward, right into the blade’s path.

"Now, Now." A third party had decided to get involved. He steadied Hafsah with his left hand as his right wielded his sword gracefully through the air. The attacker's blade flew through the air, clattering onto the cobblestone behind them. Edgar smiled, thoroughly amused by the situation.

"The- The Jack of Hearts! Let's bail!" The two men half-yelled in agreement before scurrying off down the alleyway. It didn't suit them to end up arrested and put in the Red Army dungeon. The rumors were enough to stave off many unsavory figures.

"Pity. I thought this would be a little more fun," Edgar sighed with a laugh. He returned his sword to his sheath soundlessly.

Hafsah jerked her arm free of his grip. "Thanks, I guess. I had it handled." There had been a knife coming at her face, but she was going to dodge. At least, that's what she told herself. Brushing her hand through her messy brown hair.

Edgar nodded his head, not wishing to be on the receiving end of her anger. “Of course. I only stepped in because you’re late for meeting Jonah, and it’s a hassle for me to deal with his complaining.”

Oh. Shit, she had nearly forgotten about that. Looking down at her attire, Hafsah shrugged. It wasn’t so bad. Not up to Jonah’s standards but it would do for today. Accompanied by Edgar, despite her constant assurance to him that she could find her own way, Hafsah arrived at the fountain to a sour faced Jonah.

“You’re late! And what are those dreadful clothes?” His distasteful expression melted into concerned anger. Tracing his fingers along the small cut on her forehead, he asked, “What happened?”

Hafsah turned her gaze away, whistling softly. “Nothing much. It’s no big deal.” He would not approve of her starting a fight, as he always lectured her for it. No matter the reason, Jonah had made it very clear of his stance on her partaking in violence.

Jonah glanced between her and Edgar, who gave a light shrug and announced that he was off to continue his parole around the city. “We’re going back to headquarters,” Jonah decided, his sharp gaze cutting off her protest. He would not take her another step into the city with an open wound on her head.

By the time they arrived at the infirmary, Kyle had already left for the day. Not that the Queen of Hearts was incapable of cleaning and bandaging a small injury. He’d watched her closely, noting when she winced in pain. There were clearly more injuries. Her constant avoidance of meeting his gaze only proved his theory. “Take off your shirt.”

“Huh?” He’d gotten her attention then. Hafsah snapped her attention to him, staring for a moment before letting out a breathy laugh. “Are you trying to seduce me, Jonah?” she asked, attempting to dissolve the tension around them.

“I am quite serious, Hafsah. Remove your shirt,” he replied, impatiently reaching to help her when she struggled. His breath caught in his throat. A colorful array of blues and purples were painted across her skin. His amber eyes flicked up to hers. “I demand to know how this happened.”

Hafsah sat quietly, knowing any answer she gave would only fuel his worry-filled anger. The infirmary filled with tension as the Queen of Hearts gingerly wrapped her bruised ribs. “They were…” She paused, taking in a deep breath. “They were just some lowlife assholes talking badly about you, and it pissed me off.”

“I’ve told you before that I don’t care what criminals say about me-”

“Well I do, Jonah!” She argued, clutching the material of his crisp uniform jacket in her hand. Pulling him down to be eye-level, Hafsah wanted to say so many things. Those men only saw the Jonah that was painfully honest and proud. “I care because I love you, and hearing anyone talk about you like that makes me so angry, even if I know that it isn’t true.”

Tugging one last time, Hafsah pressed her lips against the shocked man in front of her. He tasted slightly of strawberries and mint tea, probably his afternoon snack choices of the day. Her anger for those men began to melt away, replaced by a thirst to show Jonah how much she cared for him, how deeply she wanted the world to know the man behind the title of Queen.

In his distracted state, Hafsah easily shimmied her hand down into his pants. His gasp against her lips as she gently palmed at his hardening cock. The angle was awkward but his reaction to her movements were most satisfying to her.

The heat of his lips trailed down her jaw, peppering kisses to the sensitive crook of her neck. Her soft gasp brought a smile across his features. Jonah’s amber eyes found hers, clouded over with desired anger. He trailed his slender finger over the spot, up her throat to hook up under her chin. “The only one allowed to leave marks on your body is me, understand?”

Her head nodded in response to his commanding tone, mischief sparkling in her eyes. Tilting up her chin to steal a kiss from his soft lips, she barely parted from the kiss, Hafsah muttered, “Mark me, then, won’t you?”

Jonah tugged her hand out of his pants, despite thoroughly enjoying the attention. “Once you’ve shown me exactly how sorry you are for your reckless actions,” His voice hung his throat, huskier than normal. He would punish her, thoroughly.

A wicked grin tugged at the corners of her lips. Easily unbuckling his pants and pulling the material down just enough, she licked her tongue over the tip of his cock. Her eyes never left his as she took him in her mouth.

The shivered breath of approval pushed her on, silently begging. Jonah entangled his fingers into her hair, gently adjusting her pace to what he liked.

“That’s a start, but I’ll be expecting a much more thorough apology. I hope you’re prepared for it.”

I just wanna add that I headcannoned that Kyle came during some point and just groaned to himself and left, muttering that everyone uses his infirmary for sex XD. Anyways, thanks for reading!

[inkanspider]

Fic: Snowy Thoughts

To my wonderful Tetsuya @hanyamiya

Summary: White Day, not long after the Winter Cup, sure feels a lot more empty and lonely than Kuroko have been used to. Everything felt out of place, especially with Akashi’s true self back again. Even though he was over the clouds about it, he couldn’t help but feel lonely. It’s the same loneliness as when Akashi changed the first time, but now it’s because his other self is gone… Sorcerer!Kuroko Magic AU

Wordcount: 2849

You wanted angst, and that’s what you get ;-)

The streets around the school, as well as any other street in Tokyo, was well packed once again. People walked back and forth, shoulders touching every step one took. The same went for Kuroko, and he was sure that he would have more bruises on him by the time he gets home then after practice. People shoved him left and right, only caring if they got to their own destination. But it was to be expected, it was the day before White Day. They were all frantic to finish shopping and fixing until then. Kuroko didn’t have to hurry, he could walk in his own pace without worrying. He didn’t have to worry, since he really didn’t have anything to celebrate. Sure, he could possibly celebrate with his parents, his teammates in Seirin or the rest of the Generation of Miracles, but he always felt that both Valentines Day and White Day was more of a day for romance and couples. It wouldn’t be surprising the others were busy with White Day anyway, so it wouldn’t be a reason to even ask.

Kuroko sighed, his head hanging low. There he went again, being all pessimistic and all, but he really couldn’t help himself. He missed it, having a chance to celebrate this one special day with someone he cares about, but it has now been around three years since it last happened. It was around the same time he had first celebrated Valentines Day with someone other than his parents. Back then, Akashi had walked in on him using magic back at the gymnasium, and in some strange twist ending the day with asking him out. They had gone out the very next day on Valentines Day, get teased on by Aomine and Kise and just enjoying each others company. Same had happened a month later, when he asked Akashi out on White Day. But then less than a year later, Akashi snapped from the pressure of his father. He snapped from the pressure of being the best in everything he did. He snapped from being the captain and having to keeping an eye the other members of the team. And he snapped from the pressure coming from his closest friends blooming and leaving him behind. Had the other not bloomed, or had his father not had so high expectations of him, Akashi would not have snapped and maybe… maybe he would be beside him even today.

After they had graduated middle school and started high school, everyone went their separate way. It was to be expected of course, but it was never supposed to happen in this fashion. Akashi continued to crush his opponents, match after match, and he never seemed to snap back to reality and become his normal self. The constant pressure and his DID didn’t allow it. Because of that, Kuroko realised he had to adapt to the current situation, and hope that Akashi would come back.

But god was he surprised.

Instead of instantly disliking this new side of Akashi, because this “impostor” had taken his Akashi’s place, Kuroko took an instant liking to him. Sure he was more on point and in your face, and was serious in a different way than the previous Akashi. But this Akashi, he was almost a bit of a gentleman, in a way that Kuroko never had seen his previous Akashi be. This Akashi was quick to take stance against people doing bad or inappropriate things, even glaring at people who looked at Kuroko or Akashi’s teammates the wrong way. The Akashi Kuroko had been angry at that moment too, sure, but he had been more careful and maybe let it slide. He was more scared of getting into trouble he maybe couldn’t get out of. This new Akashi, he wasn’t scared at all, but protected what he saw as his or people close to him.

Kuroko hadn’t disliked the time he spent with the other Akashi, even though they didn’t have that much time together, and they almost never called each other due to school and basket training. But all this came to an end at the Winter Cup at their first year in high school. During the match, the original Akashi came back to reality. Kuroko had been on cloud nine back then, overjoyed that HIS Akashi was back again. And this time, he was here to stay. Which he did, and they started picking up the pieces of their once broken relationship. Then came the match between Jabberwock and the Vorpal Swords, and for a moment, the other Akashi appeared again. It had certainly felt weird, not only for meeting him again after all this time, but also because they now played on the same team. But just as quick as he came, he left again.

And now after the match, Kuroko realised that he missed him. He missed the other Akashi.

Not that he hadn’t missed the original Akashi, boy if he had. But after spending all that time with the other Akashi made Kuroko realise, that maybe he wasn’t all that bad after all. That even though the other Akashi was a bit more rough, it didn’t mean that he didn’t have his own soft spots. Which made it even worse, considering that Kuroko had had previous plans on asking Akashi out again on Valentines Day or White Day after his return during the Winter Cup. But his now close bonds with both of the personalities inhabiting Akashi’s body, he had no idea what to do. As much as he loved the original Akashi, his Akashi, he also wanted to spend more time with the other Akashi. Kuroko had come to love both of them.

While most people would be confused as it is, Kurok felt even more confused but most of all, powerless and lost. He practice magic, he is a goddamn witch. But even so, even though though Kuroko was considered a powerful magic-user, he felt utterly powerless now. He wanted to meet the other Akashi again, but he knew he couldn’t force him out. That would be not only unethical against both the original and the other Akashis will, but because it would mean he forces his own will upon them both. He also didn’t know of any magic that could split the two Akashis apart, but if such magic existed that would result in two identical Akashis, which would be problematic not only to the two of them, but also to the entire Akashi family.

His wish was not only unethical, painful and dangerous… it was also very, very selfish.

This drives him into a corner. He wants to meet Akashi again and celebrate White Day, but he has no idea which one he wants to meet and celebrate with. Does he want to meet the calm and sweet original Akashi, or the protective, serious and gentleman other Akashi? They couldn’t both be there at the same time, and it would maybe hurt the original Akashi’s feelings if he chose to go out with the other Akashi. And at the same time, he didn’t want to hurt the other Akashi either, since they had spent time together, even if it was a bit short. He now know how the protagonist in romantic movies feels, when they have to choose between two boys or two girls. But for Kuroko, it was between two sides of the same man he loved.

Which is why he decided to not celebrate White Day that year, so he could have time to decide how to deal with it all.

The crowd of people had long since past, since Kuroko no longer walked  on any of the big main streets. Stepping off the bigger streets onto a smaller one, he continued his way towards home. Home always felt like his safe-heaven, where he could vent his feelings and feel at peace. He longed to take of his uniform, change to more comfortable cloths and take a nap. Homework could wait for a while, it’s not like the teachers would come for him if he didn’t sat down with it the moment he got home.

The street was quiet, almost too quiet for Kuroko’s taste, with only the weak sound of playing children in the distance and some dogs barking at the neighbours houses. Wanting to block out the silence, he pulled out his phone and his earplugs, wanting to hear any kind of sound instead of this. Playing some random song on his phone, he started walking a bit faster, wanting to get home quickly…

A sigh escaped Akashi’s lips as his back hit his bed. He might have been brought up to behave well, but when it came to relaxing after a long day at school, he could not care less about what his father would think. Hell, if he wanted to, he would even give his father a strong middle-finger sent his way. It’s not like his father could stop him not either way, one of many positive things about having his own apartment in Kyoto. He could do whatever he wanted.

“Except asking Tetsuya out, mind you” a voice, similar to his own but somewhat darker, spoke to him. Akashi groaned. He must have fallen asleep faster than expected. The only time he would hear this specific voice, is when he is asleep or under intense pressure.

He turned his head, his eyes adjusting to the darkness around his, and surely there he was. Standing in front of him was an exact copy of himself, but his eyes narrow and mismatching, contrasting to his own deep-red colour. Just like himself, his other self looked really tired.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Akashi asked his other self, Sei as he had come to call him. In his defence, it was Reo and Kotarou’s idea.

Sei sighed. “You know exactly what I mean. You claim you can do whatever you want, but you are unable of asking Tetsuya out. Not really putting your best foot forward now, are you?” The small grin on his face growing slightly. Akashi made a face at the sight.

“Well then, you seem pretty sure of yourself. If you think I’m not doing a good job, why not trying it yourself? You seem proud enough to call him” He said, knowing he will hit a nerve. Sure enough, Sei caught dry air in his throat and had to cough.

“I-I could. But then again, it’s not me he is expecting to hear on the other end, it’s you. You are the one he has known the longest, and the one he went out with. It’s only natural that he expects you to call him, not me” He said. Akashi hung his head a little. Sei had a point. Kuroko would naturally expect him to call, especially since they did go out with each other three years ago. But then again, Kuroko seemed to have nothing against spending time with Sei during Akashi’s absence. He could be totally fine with it, if Sei called him instead of himself. Sure, Akashi would maybe be hurt if Kuroko chose Sei over him, but he would also respect Kuroko’s choice. If that was what made Kuroko happy, he would allow it…

“That might be true, but judging by your own words now, it sounds like you are too afraid yourself” Akashi teased. He didn’t do it because he enjoyed teasing his other self, but because he felt like he really needed it. He needed to talk to someone, someone to vent his feelings to. Even if it was to, technically, himself.

Sei’s face got even more serious and stern, if that way even possible. “I’m being serious here. It’s not the time to be teasing”

“You’re right… I just don’t know how to handle the situation”

“And what is that you can’t handle?” Sei was being to grow impatient, normal after a long day like this.

“I haven’t spent any real time alone with him for three years, and the time I have spent with him has been with the others. You on the other hand have been spending time with him, and have filled up in my place during these three years. It would make more sense if you called him, since I’ve been away for so long…” Akashi said, his head still hanging, his eyes not meeting the others.

Sei just stared at him, shocked by the others insecurity, but most because he had the same feelings about the situation, just the other way around. Taking a deep breath and shaking his head, he walked up to his creator.

“Akashi Seijurou, look at me” He said in a firm but stern voice. In times like this, he was glad that he was that much different from the other. It meant he could get things rolling when they got stuck.

Akashi looked up and met Sei’s eyes. “We are both two halfs of the same whole. If I could do it, you can do it. You go make that call, and if you get stuck, I’ll just switch with you. Deal?” Sei said. Akashi just looked at him for a moment, shocked. But he then nodded, knowing they wouldn’t get anywhere if he doesn’t do anything.

Kuroko tapped his foot against the floor, his body still lying on the bed. He debated with himself, what he should and should not do. Should he call Akashi after all? Or should he just let it all be? Tracing the markings on the ceiling with his eyes, he almost missed his phone buzzing on the table. Sitting up, he reached for the phone, his movements slow and lazy. Laying back on the bed, he took a glimpse on the screen, before almost faster than light pressing the answer button and pressing it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Kuroko? It’s me…” Akashi’s calm, but somewhat nervous, voice came through the speakers.

“Hello, Akashi. How are you?” Lame, that was all Kuroko could say about his question.

“I’m fine, thank you. Do you have a minute?”

“Of course…”

There was a pause between the two of them, only their breaths audible.

“Uh… Well, I was wondering if you had any plans for tomorrow” Akashi’s voice was quieter than usual, almost sounding small.

“No, I don’t have any plans. Why?” Kuroko responded in almost the same quiet voice.

“Would… Would you like to go out with me then? Tomorrow?”

Kuroko’s eyes widened so much he could almost feel his eyeballs leaving their sockets. His face warmed up, while a big smile grew on his face. In the end, maybe he didn’t have to choose which one after all. They could choose between themselves.

“Or course, I would love that” Kuroko said.

Suddenly, the entire room felt cold. Small clouds came out of Kuroko’s mouth as he breathed. Something wet and cold fell on his face, first on his forehead, then eyelids and then cheeks. Looking up towards the ceiling again, Kuroko saw small snowflakes falling down on him. He had started a snowfall in his own room.

“Uh, Kuroko? Everything alright on your end?” Akashi’s voice cut through Kuroko’s trance.

“Oh, yes. Everything’s fine, why?”

“I don’t know what you are doing over at your place, but I have a personal snowfall in my apartment here on my end” Akashi laughed a bit. It was one of the things Kuroko had missed the most, that true and carefree laugh that only Akashi could do. And then there’s the snow…

“Ah, sorry. It started snowing at your place too? I’ll fix it, wait a bit…” Moving his free hand just slightly, the snow stopped and the room suddenly became a bit brighter. Maybe he even had a cloud in there…

The change way noticeable on the other end as well. Akashi let out a small chuckle.

“And there went the cloud, thanks Kuroko” Akashi said. The was a pause on his end, something Kuroko picked up on.

“Akashi? Something wrong?” He could almost hear Akashi smile.

“No, no. But I think I have someone who wants to talk to you” Akashi said.

Kuroko raised an eyebrow. “Someone wants to talk to me? Who?”

“Wait a second. I’ll give him the phone now” There was a pause, and Kuroko because more confused by the second. Then something moved on the other end, and whoever the person was started talking.

“Hello, Tetsuya. Remember me?” Now that was someone he did not expect to hear.

“Akashi? Is that you?” Would you believe it, it was the other Akashi. Just his speech pattern alone could separate him from the other.

“Long time, no seen. How are you? We only saw each other for a brief moment last time”

Kuroko’s smile grew even larger. He had totally forgotten about them being two different persons. It was not only Kuroko who had to choose all the time, they could choose just as much. And as it seemed, both of them wanted to take action this time.

And Kuroko was totally fine with that.

[sarissophori]

Hither Yonder, Chapter 17

The Undying Lands

They were once men; soldiers, sailors, captains and envoys of the royal throne; tall, proud and splendid, the remnants of Tarmaril’s mighty vanguard, cursed to become in flesh what they were in heart. In consequence, the land they trod upon also suffered, turned into a shadowed waste removed from hallowed light. The curse gave them what they wished, but the weight of it reduced them to a wicked state of being, eating at them, and they hated it, and they hated themselves; their bodies starved and wracked by malice and loathing, a cancer of centuries that promised pain without death, reducing them to things lower than beasts, though some remembered who they once were in a vague sentience.

       Though a terrible punishment, it was not without mercy. If those so cursed merely step into the untainted light, forgiving themselves and letting go of their hate, forgiveness would in turn be given, granting them back a place within the circles of life and death. Only a few have tried. Those who remain hold jealously on to their hate, cursing the light, choosing to stay in the hell of their own making, unready as yet for forgiveness, even of one’s self.

 Never before had Halli seen an environment that looked as if evil itself inhabited it, nature possessed of a dire intent, a thing that would hurt or betray her if it could, and was perhaps yet trying to. Mazes of jutting roots covered the ground, and arms of claw-like branches leered down to scratch her face, or catch her hair; but she ran, for all her desperation, trusting in blind speed and wiliness, her feet smacking against the bare patches of stone.

       The light beyond was fractured by the canopy, ethereal rays slanting down to blend with the vacuous shadows of the deeper woods, where even that light faded and died. Yet it was enough, and using it as her guide, Halli made for the rising slopes further inland, past the crowns of which no shadow dared touch. Whether it was actually hope or a mad desire for it that pressed her, having no other choice except death, Halli ran.

       And they hunted her, these remnants of old Tarmaril, creatures of their own cunning and slyness, calling to each other in their crude, guttural mockery of speech, gleeful of this chance to hurt her, to satisfy their most vulgar instincts, after centuries of numbing sloth. They used what of their war-training was left imprinted on them, scouts going forth and harrying, the main body behind for support, the wings closing in to cut off escape; a cohesion that thrilled them to feel again.

       The ground under Halli’s feet became rougher, more fractured, away from the weathered beach. The roots dug into the cracks and steadily pried them open like gaping wounds, the loose foundations uprooting many of the trees, letting in stronger beams of stale light. On nerve she picked her way through, sacrificing vital speed for surety as her toes felt past many brinks, as her balance nearly threw her, until at last she tottered at the edge of a break and she faltered, skidding down and sliding into a pile of rubble and broken branches.

       She recovered and found herself between the slopes of two meeting hills, the lane crowded with shale, cramped where she fell but gradually widening further on. Hearing the horrid cries in the air above her, Halli followed it, the light now in such strength that it appeared to pulse in radiance, casting a deep blue like a sunset over winter plains, the darkened uplands near featureless in contrast.

       After a turn the hillsides pulled back, opening out to a wide forest-glade that looked like a great hall of nature; trees were its pillars, boughs were its eaves, and mossy vines its shredded tapestries, but it had no roof, and glowed in twilight as if unaffected by the grimness surrounding it. The hall stretched on from where Halli stood, delving through the uplands without detour to the gate of the Undying Lands.

       Halli’s heart swelled to bursting, and tears unbeckoned streamed down her cheeks; she ran as fast as she could go, gasping, her feet calloused, her knees cut and burning, making that long tearing sprint with limbs dulled by ecstasy, a journey realized after so many leagues and storms, reduced to only a furlong.

       A large shape erupted from the trees on her periphery, braving the light, crouched low as a predator about to strike, and with a broad hand it swatted Halli, knocking the breath from her and sending her to the ground. Stars flashed across her eyes, her sword falling from her grasp. It pinned her in place before she could move, and examined its catch with sunken eyes, scarcely recalling the sight of a proper human being; her face, her youth, her slenderness from hard, weary travel. Memories swirled in its mind of another child it once knew, once cherished, who called it by a word, vadthos, though it no longer had meaning.

       Sorrow, then bitterness, and finally hatred sprung from its core, and in rage it roared, deciding it would take Halli away and tear her limb from limb, ridding itself of memories ugly to what it was now, a pain of soul it would do its best to inflict on flesh, for aimless vengeance.

       It prepared to carry her into the dark, and Halli screamed. It seemed to laugh as she struggled weakly in its grip, already relishing her torment. A series of loud barks echoed form the hall, stopping the creature in its tracks. It snarled and shot an angry glance to the intruder, a ragged herding dog with a keen stare narrowed to points of fire, her brandished teeth curved like sickles.

       “Get away from her, you cur! Let her go!”

       Grinning, the creature released Halli, and she fell without tension to the grass.

       “N…Noma…”

       “Back away!” Noma barked. “You will not touch her again!”

       It gawked at her, widening its stance, bearing its claws, ready for her to make good on her boast.

       “I said back away!”

       Noma charged, the heat of her wolf-kin burning so furiously within her, nothing could contain it; the ground trembled under the beat of her paws, and the moment seemed to slow. The creature grimaced its impression of a smile, hiding in its forearm the blade of a pitted sword embedded within its flesh, a cruel weapon now a part of the thing itself, and it calculated for a quick, proper strike.

       With strain Halli reached for her sword, clutching it, and rousing herself she fell in a lunge on the creature’s calf, plunging it deep. The creature roared and swatted Halli across her face, the blade barely missing. At the same time Noma leapt and dug in her claws, throwing them both to the ground in a brawl vicious and primeval in its savagery, Noma barking and baying as her teeth shredded flesh, tore through muscle, and released streams of blood that flecked her nose and tongue; she suffered her own terrible wounds but refused to let up, as Halli watched dazed beside them.

       Yet Halli’s stroke played its part. In pain the creature slipped and collapsed, and Noma, seeing her chance, seized it by the throat. It warbled and thrashed, striking Noma, but she held firm against its flailing limbs, throttling its windpipe, thick blood dripping from her mouth as it wheezed, gasping for futile breath, and finally died in its throes.

       Noma threw up her head and gave such a howl that the trees themselves shuddered, dreadful as it was victorious, and none dared to answer her challenge, not so close to the untainted light. They fled, bemoaning the loss of their chief, retreating for the shadows of the deeper forest.

       Noma then whimpered and wavered, her legs shaking as her battle-fury left her, and she collapsed.

       “Noma!”

       Straining, Halli crawled to where she lay and petted her reassuringly, feeling the clots of blood in her coat, and the slickness of open skin; her lip quivered, and she began to cry.

       “Oh, Noma.”

       “I…I’m sorry, Halli” she said. “I don’t think I’ll be there with you, at the end, after all.”

       “Don’t you say that!” Halli said. “Of course you will, you have to. You promised, remember? Not should the Roof of Night crash down upon us.”

       “I can’t feel my body anymore” Noma said. “I am broken, a burden. You must leave me where I lie. Please, don’t let me hold you back.”

       “No!” Halli said. “No…I won’t leave you like the others. I’ve left too many friends behind already, far too many, but I won’t leave you –not you, Nomatakana, dearest of companions. Not you.”

       “Oh, Halli…”

       Halli hugged Noma and wept openly, crying into her fur, unable to let go nor wanting to, afraid to move on without her here at the end of her quest, their quest. She kissed Noma on her forehead.

       “You wouldn’t leave me behind, if our places were switched.”

       “That’s because I am a fool, dear.”

       “So I be, too.”

 Summoning her strength, Halli hacked off branches from some of the trees of the hall, and yanked down strands of vines. With uncouth skill she fashioned these into a litter, making it so that she could drag an end of it on the ground behind her. She placed Noma carefully into the bed between the arms, petted her with soothing words, and pulled her along as best she could. Every step was strained, every breath labored, and pains shot up her legs that forced her to kneel and jostle the litter. Halli groaned and carried on, pleading her body for one more step, then another, as the light absorbed them. The trees closed in, their boughs touching to form an arch from which light unfiltered spilled forth and overwhelmed all other earthly sensations, twinkling in the leaves like gentle snowfall, glinting and flashing softly. Halli walked into it, through it, and the light took them, and the ground seemed to disappear, as if she were now walking on air. The burden of the litter was gone, and her heart was lifted by a pure, serene calm.

 The light parted as a curtain of mist, to a completely different world. There were brilliant green fields so vast, she saw no end to them. The sky was blue and rich in brightness, especially after so long in the dark, and carried a sweet-scented breeze. The grass also smelled sweet, curling under the press of her feet. Far off ahead of her was a great mountain many unguessable leagues away, taller than any other east of the sea, snow-capped and emerald-clad, wreathed by clouds, a kingly peak never beheld before by mortal eyes.

       There was a shining river before her, little more than ankle deep, perhaps a furlong wide, that ran without ripple or current to break its stillness, reflecting perfectly the sapphire sky.

       “I’ll have to carry you across, Noma” Halli said. “I need to take you out of the litter, okay? Noma?”

       Noma was quiet and still. Halli knelt and petted her, trying to rouse her. Her hand shook and she rasped a low sigh, shutting her eyes against the coming tears. Noma had passed without whimper, lulled by the whispering breeze. After a moment to take in her loss, Halli looked solemnly over the river.

       “I guess you’re there now too, huh?”

       Setting aside her grief one more time, the last time, Halli stepped into the river and began to wade across, recalling the first steps of her journey from Dumbria; Sador and Siri, and the slaves of Thargorod; the Imperial Road and its endless stretches; the Gallenwood and Meadow-home, Amerrotecus, Amerrotaieu and Luxwannen, and Nomatakana dearest of companions; the White Wolves of the Grayrim Mountains; the rangers of Annai Ostirgod and the peoples of Harbortown, Varrion and Ianan, Ianan, if ever she was to marry someone…

       And Yuta, who never had the chance to live and love, or stray too far from the sight of her older sister, for whom all pains and sorrows were endured –who else would be there on the other side, dear and beautiful as Halli remembered, clothed in a white robe that shone with the sun, waiting for her.

       Halli stopped, unsure, suspecting if there wasn’t some last trick or deception at work, yet love and longing took her as she beheld her sister’s face, compelling her to go on with shaking knees, her mind stuttering in disbelief for words.

       “Yu -Yuta, is that you?”

       Yuta nodded and smiled. “It’s me, Halli. I knew you’d come.”

       “Oh, Yuta!”

       Limping, Halli rushed the other shore in such euphoria she could have collapsed utterly and not cared, and indeed, when she was before her, touching her slender shoulders, seeing that all was well with her, Halli cast her arms about her and wailed unashamed, dropping to her knees. Yuta fell with her and held her back, kissing her cheek.

       “It’s you, it’s you, by the gods it’s you.”

       “Aye, dassyin.”

       Dassyin; hearing that word again…

       “I missed you so, so much.”

       “I missed you too, Halli.”

       “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I’m sorry I failed you.”

       “Failed me?” Yuta said.

       “I’m the older one, I wasn’t supposed to let anything bad happen to you.”

       Halli continued crying, but Yuta had no air of judgement, or look of blame; she brushed her hand over Halli’s cheek and wiped away her tears. Halli turned her face, as if unworthy of such loving pity.

       “You didn’t fail me, you couldn’t. I love you too much.”

       Halli gazed at Yuta. “You always had a soft heart. You haven’t changed at all.”

       “But I have” Yuta said. “I am part of these lands now, touched by their time and wisdom. You have too. You carry many cares now, many sorrows, that you didn’t have before. It has made you beautiful, dear sister.”

       “I would forsake them all, if we could be together again” Halli said.

       “Where are they, the gods? I have braved many tests and lost many friends, and I will claim my wish.”

       Yuta tilted her head. “What wish?”

       “To return you” Halli said. “To bring you back with me to living lands, home; my heart is pure, they can’t deny me this. Where must I go to find them?”

       Yuta seemed confused, then her expression turned grave.

       “There is no wish, and there are no tests. Mortals were never supposed to come here of their own choosing, and those who pass are not allowed to return as who they once were. The order of things won’t accept it; that’s not why life is lived.”

       “But, the legends?”

       “Are only legends. I’m sorry Halli, I can’t return. None who pass this threshold can.”

       “Then, I won’t be allowed back either?”

       “No, I’m sorry.”

       Those words smote her dearly; seeing Ianan again, returning to Meadow-home, having a life with Yuta; it all vanished quietly, leaving a hollow place in her heart after such welling of joy.

       Halli breathed a harsh sigh. “Then, this was for nothing?”

       “Nothing?” Yuta said.  “It isn’t for nothing that we meet again, here, against all chance, where only gods have walked. Your journey is fulfilled; my waiting wasn’t in vain.”

       “This isn’t how it’s supposed to end” Halli said. “I wanted us to go home, and live together in peace. I wanted you to see Meadow-home, and Harbortown. I wanted you to see the sunrise over Hanan again.”

       “I have” Yuta said. “I have gazed through the airs of the mortal world and seen behind the curtain, to the nameless vistas, where the stars ebb and flow, the days and nights are blended into a seamless play, and a thousand suns may rise and fall with a single thought, or not at all. No, there is no going back, for me or for you. Please don’t be sad, Halli. I know it means never having what we had before, but that is not an evil. Death, and what comes after, are not frightful things. Nothing has truly ended. We are a part of this world and will return to it in time, yet for now, this will be home.”

       Yuta kissed Halli’s forehead. “No more despair, dassyin. Those who love you will understand. I did, when I left.”

       Yuta’s voice and touch, with the beauty of the Undying Lands and its healing presence around her, soothed Halli and her sorrow, as surely as if a hand had reached within and carried it away, scattering it to the wind, as it did her mortal aches and pains. She would miss her life and those she would never see again, but the lightness of her heart finally allowed her to accept it, and remember them in fondness rather than grief. A new strength filled her, and she cried no more.

       “I was wrong” Halli said. “You have changed. You speak as one with long years and deep wisdom –not quite like the Yuta I remember.”

       “I may not be every bit the same as I was” Yuta said, a hint of her old childishness flashing in her serene eyes.

       “But I’m still me where it counts.”

       She clasped Halli’s hands in hers and grinned.

       “We don’t have to leave just yet. There are fields for playing, trees for climbing and woods for exploring, everything is wonderful here! We can take as long as we like. You can even rest first if you want; just don’t take too long, or she’ll start to get impatient.”

       “Who will?”

       There was a single sharp bark behind where Yuta was standing. Looking past her, Halli saw a herding dog with pointed ears and bushy tail, standing ever at the ready. Her heart rose, and burst with renewed joy.

       “Noma!”

       “I’m as surprised as you are” Noma said. “So this is your sister? She seems absolutely lovely company. I understand now why you would risk so much to see her again.”

       “Ha!” Halli said. “A trick both sad and happy; I don’t get my wish, but at least I get to have both of you again, before the end.”

       “Oh, enough gloom!” Yuta said. “Let’s go then, to the eternal mountain yonder! I want to see Noma run!”

       Noma barked, swishing her tail.

       “That’s a little far, isn’t it?” Halli said.

       “Not at all. It’s a lot closer than it seems –that’s sort of how things work here. Come, I’ll show you!”

       Yuta turned and ran, her robe billowing behind her, laughing in the wind.

       “This will be so much fun!”

       Noma huffed. “Well, we’ve gone longer distances than this before, haven’t we?”

       “Yes, we have.”

       Halli and Noma gave chase, no longer feeling their hurts, for no pain can last in that place where joy is woven into its very fabric. By the foot of the mountain the sound of their playing can still be heard, their laughter echoing through the hills and valleys, across the streams and fields, even long after their departing, as others coming later have heard on the wind, from the direction of forests evergreen.

[coal-the-shiba]

If you are struggling, too...

I'd like to think of my experiences being a cautionary tale for those who find themselves in a similar situation.  For three, almost four months now, we have been dealing with an escalating situation--aggression.  I honestly don't know what else to call it, though I feel that the term is not completely accurate.

It went through a lot of phases.  At that time, he was still a puppy just beginning his teething, but my husband was already complaining to me about his behavior.  It was behavior I never really saw out of my dog, but the reasons are unknown to me.  I should have taken my husband more seriously, but my  brain was clouded with advice--from the internet.  The internet is really a dangerous thing.  3 or 4 months old?  Not aggression--just a puppy being a puppy, dealing with teething, etc.  Do the yelp, ignore/leave him for a moment and come back.  It's nothing and should right itself.

But it didn't right itself.  Sure, the technique helped so that during play time, we are fine--but during these times, it is a whole other animal.  Literally.  As he got older, it became more apparent, easier to spot (or maybe we just got better at reading the situation), and escalated in intensity.  What did we do?  Everything under the sun.  Using positive training, we tried redirecting him and treating him for doing the things we wanted.  Well, I did.  My husband really struggled with the concept.   I was left with most of the training, which was fine---if we were doing cues and stuff.  But this was bad behavior happening to him, so he needed to do more.  And he tried, he did.  He pushed himself to do it more, but I needed to remind him.  He grew up with the old methods of training and obedience, and after 40+ years, it is hard to change.

I used my no-marker, and he usually listened.  I only used time out a couple of times, but that was for chewing issues, and he learned quick.  We tried the Mine! by Jean Donaldson for problem behaviors, thinking that the problem was food aggression.  Turns out, it wasn't.  How do I know?  While he is eating, we can do anything.  We can pet him, add food, put our hands on the bowl, touch the bowl.  It is after the bowl that he becomes aggressive.  It is after walks and after play when he becomes aggressive.  What happens after walks and play?  Well, he goes back in his pen.  Perhaps he is frustrated and doesn't want to go back, but rules are rules and he does not own the house.  Regardless of his behavior, he will end up there.  The problem is, with the behavior getting worse, he gets out less.  That isn't good.  We are becoming more anxious after play and walks, though we still try to keep them as long and stimulating as possible.

It even got to the point where both my father-in-law and my husband has swatted at Coal with soft objects.  When Coal leaped up after eating and caught my nightgown, father-in-law had had enough and bopped him on the head with an open newspaper (not rolled and not hard).  It surprised him, but did not in any way deter him from his tantrum (still not accurate, but close enough.)  On another day, my husband had taken Coal for a looong walk by the river.  Went pee and poop, got a good walk in, lots of interesting smells, etc.  Came home to our normal routine, and then Coal moved to go upstairs (his play area).  Hubby said no and tried to direct him to the living room---and Coal lunged and bit onto his pant legs.

This isn't like the attitudes you see in cases of aggression---dog barking and snarling, lunging and pulling at the leash.  This is more like silent aggression---a predator at work.  I see the same stance when he sees a bird land just within his vision.  He goes perfectly still, his eyes take on a dilated look like he is regressing into a primal state, and then he reacts.  Movement could cause him to lunge, or voice--we don't know, but that has always been how it works.  The only time he has barked is after being unsuccessful and us getting him safely in his pen where he can't attack us.

He will totally guard the food bowl after he eats, but his behavior is a bit different. He gets anxious, his feet tapping back and forth as he tries to anticipate which direction we might come at.  We have tried leaving his bowl in place, and he will calm down---but it takes over an hour!  If we take the bowl sooner rather than later, he will calm down within 10-20 minutes. (we trade for the bowl even now)

These are two very different scenarios, but they have followed the same pattern of escalation.  First, my husband is the victim.  Like Coal is testing.  Then, it escalates to me.  I currently have a bite wound on my hip.  the worst of it is from a bruise, but his tooth ripped the skin as well.  It wasn't deep at all and no need for the hospital, but that is a far cry from the first time he bit me, which was only a bruise.  I was also wearing thinner clothing this time since summer is coming.

What makes this all completely hilarious is the fact that he is completely receptive to commands.  While guarding his bowl, we can get him to sit, lie down, etc.  If he doesn't, we have a good idea of how far gone he is.  

We know Coal better now.  We can see immediately when the Hyde change is coming, and it is terrifying to watch.  We both worked so hard, and the biggest conflict is that, yes, 90 % of the time, he is a good dog.  Sure, he walks ahead and pulls a little on leashes, but he obeys me and sometimes my husband.  He is calm, he never barks outside of those times, very receptive to learning new things---he is a good dog. But that remaining time, the time of Hyde, that is a huge problem.

I honestly thought I could fix it.   There are plenty of books out there on rehabilitating your dog, so why not?  Well, I will tell you why.  First of all, as the owner and one who has faced the stress of the escalation, you are not mentally able to assess the situation properly to determine what needs to be done.  On top of that, there is a seed of fear planted in the back of your brain that will forever taint your work.  Dogs can sense that.  Second, as a layman, you do not have the knowledge and experience to assess what needs to be done.

Get.  Help.

I wish I had done that months ago, but it wasn't a reality.  I didn't truly understand what was going on.  Oh, dog just being a dog. Do the yelp, be firm, etc, and it will be fine. That is what the internet says.  No one can figure this dog out, anyway--people who have seen clips say he looks like he is playing/anxious/stressed.  Not aggressive.  People say he might be hungry, I am doing too much, I am  not doing enough.  I got all kinds of advice from various people---and none of it worked.  Nothing from articles from trainers, nothing from blogs, nothing from books.  Why?  See the above.

Pride often gets in the way.  There is a sense that as the owner, you must be the one in control--but it is so important to know when to get help.  To be honest, I told my husband at the beginning that help would be better, but there were some barriers.  First, we didn't see the severity of the issue; second, money; third, being able to trust the professional.  You see, we are in Japan.  Japan is a bit behind the times on some training methods, and many vets and trainers agree that you have to show the dog you are the "leader" in some way, you are the boss and in charge.  Personally, I think the philosophy is BS and just makes humans feel better.  There is no way that we can prove or disprove such a statement "your dog is trying to take over/be the alpha/be the leader".  How can you prove that?  You certainly can not go into the dog's head and see what he is thinking.  All you can do is watch his body language and his behavior.  If a dog was truly trying to be a leader, they certainly would not bite.  All evidence about wolves and village dogs points to the contrary.  Aggression does not equal trying to be leader/in charge.

But aggression can mean that the dog is afraid or uncertain, and we can see this marked in his body.  Fear and confusion are things we can read in a dog, things that are quantifiable.  It could be that his confusion is not knowing the pack order, or it could confusion from being a teen and having hormones.  Could be fear.  Right now, fear is a huge possibility.

There are only two pieces of advice I can give to someone who is a similar situation to mine.  Get help.  And do not ever show angry aggressive behavior.  My husband has made that mistake twice, and it has only escalated the issue to the point where we are not sure if we can save him. (to be clear my husband has never physically hit the dog with anything other than a fluffy apron.  He did get angry enough to almost hit the dog because the dog was always barking/trying to bite him.  Always be in control, no matter what) The trainer we are looking into says that if it is before a year, the dog has a better change of being rehabilitated.  We are waiting to see if she will take our case.

And one more thing.  Get things under control.  Do whatever you have to do to manage the situation.  Get a muzzle and a pen to keep your dog in, think of what your are wearing and what situations trigger the dog. Be prepared to approach those situations with great caution, and honestly, don't let your guard down even at times you think he is fine.

Get help.  If you are facing a serious issue like mine, and you just aren't sure, get help.  The stuff in books are for the situations that mild and low, things that anyone can handle.  Anything above slight growling and you should seek a professional, because they will have the experience and knowledge to apply the CORRECT plan.  The correct plan is what you need, not shooting arrows in the dark.  I probably did a lot of damage trying to fix the problem blindly.  I hope not.  

I will keep up to date on things as they progress.  I feel like I can help someone else out there with my story.  I hope so.  I don't want anyone to have to experience this ever.

There is one more thing that I want to say that no one talks about: the fear, the pain, the self-doubt.  It hits you like a ton of bricks.  What did I do wrong?  How have I failed him?  I tried--I did!  It hits you over and over again.  You cry, you get angry, you wish you could change the past or find the right key--but you can't.  Every time you approach your dog, you are trying to evaluate what mind frame he is in now, what he will do.  It is hell, and it screws with your ability to make good choices.  Once you have that nervousness, even a little, it means that you will probably not be as successful unless you can master that.  But you are not alone. Even with a professional, you will have to carry through---do the homework they give you and be consistent.  You have to master that fear, master that nervousness.  And it will take time.  Right now, I am terrified.  I just took my dog up to play, and when he came down, he shifted into the Hyde.  He lunged at me, and the only thing stopping him was my husband holding his collar and the mesh muzzle that needed to be refitted.  I really thought he wanted to hurt me.  

He calmed down within minutes of being put in his pen, but it was a startling revelation to me.  It's okay to say you can't do something.  Let out your emotions with a friend or trusted family member, gather yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the ring.  It's your dog, your "baby".  You are the only one who can champion him.  If you give up on him, who will step up?  who will take over?

For me, in Japan, probably no one.  I am all he has, and I must do what I can to save him.  At this point, it is his life on the line.  If the trainer fails, or we can't find someone to help him, I am prepared to make the next choice.  It is not a choice I want to make, and I am hoping that it will never come down to that.  I am holding firmly to the believe that he can be redeemed.  Hold firmly to your faith.  Someone out there can help you.  Find them, fast.