#I will murder each and every one of you with a chainsaw this isn't even about shipping this is about the way you guys talk about shit

[rotisseries]

the anger and hatred i feel for the "robin wouldn't date nancy cause of steve" rhetoric is literally unmatched by any other force on planet earth

[neonscandal]

Manga With Me: CSM and the Concept of "Want" and "Home"

Completely blocking out the events of the first Chainsaw Man segment after reading it is not a unique experience. I am not alone in this phenomenon but one thing I always think about is the idea of "want" or "desire" and how it's this really messed up impetus for Denji to go on living, at least in the hands of Tatsuki Fujimoto, and the concept of "home". I feel like not enough people are ruminating on this so now I have to.

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: through CSM chapter 97.

First things first, in no way am I insinuating that Denji's reasons to live are not valid nor am I implying that a character with his background is better off dead. I think it's important to mention because we've seen that play out with the likes of Ash Lynx as an example and I hated that.

Tatsuki Fujimoto, the Jackass Genie

When we're introduced to Denji, he's not exactly living the life. Trying to offset the massive debt of his father, he'd sold off several organs including an eye and a testicle and was forced to work off as much as he could by handling the dirty work of the yakuza debt owner. Treated inhumanely and frequently left with barely enough money to feed himself, Denji appears to remain relatively upbeat with his only friend Pochita at his side.

Solely motivated to simply survive the day, hopes beyond that are seemingly out of the realm of possibility for him beneath all of his inherited burdensome debt. It isn't until he gets a seemingly second shot at life that Denji can dare to dream. Mind you, this is after he's discarded like garbage but it just furthers how alone and pitiable he is to be treated in such a way.

Even with this newfound life, his hopes are comparatively low hanging fruit to the average reader and yet, at every turn, Fujimoto takes these innocent asks and twists them into such unpalatable experiences. Most notably being his first kiss.

What's particularly interesting is the space between Denji's idealization and, of course, the subsequent reality of his wishes. For instance, have you ever wanted something so bad for so long that when you finally got it, it could never measure up to what you'd dreamt in your head? Because you'd sunk so many hours into thinking about it and putting it on a pedestal but... as we saw above, Denji really only had time to think about survival for the better part of his life. So the drastic difference between wanting a solid meal, wanting his first kiss, wanting to touch boobs, wanting a girlfriend, etc. They were so relatively short lived before being obtained, and yet, so catastrophically unsatisfying each and every time. It seems like everything Denji gravitates toward is inevitably something that will cause him great displeasure which we see most readily apparent in his attraction to Makima.

For all this suffering, you'd assume Denji would have had to have done something to have earned such karmic punishment but, to the reader, his only sin seemed to be being born to a recklessly selfish father. Especially when a great deal of his origin seems to be kept hidden behind a figurative locked door which is constantly teased and shown to be something Pochita urges him never to open.

You Can't Go Home Again

This, of course, brings us to the crux of why I wanted to talk about this in the first place. We see Denji's door, something he regards with unfamiliarity and trepidation, a few times throughout the story. Not knowing its significance until the very end of the arc but, for the sake of this discussion, we will consider this and his life with Pochita Denji's "home". Denji's wariness, his avoidance, it's not unique to him.

POWER

Now we know Pochita can seemingly read the heart of Denji (being that he is the heart of Denji) but I wonder how much Power the fiend knows of her former human life. From her introduction, she was likely murdered and left naked in the very woods that Power found the body in. Power is shown to be boisterous and very self-serving, her affection for Meowy being a severe aberration, at least at the beginning of her character arc. Again, not exactly living the life, enthralled only by the taste of blood and the act of killing until she finds herself somewhat domesticated through her employment with Public Safety.

What we know of Hell, Devils that die on Earth go to Hell. Devils that die in Hell go to Earth. Power wasn't exactly avoiding "going home" but her return to Hell destabilized her semblance of safety and comfort by way of facing the Darkness Devil. Even of the devils faced on Earth, Power always faced them with the same bravado that she demanded humans to kneel before her with. Either to generally disguise her relative strength or lack thereof (being that she was fighting in a group) or, in retrospect, perhaps her fear, too. With all the confidence, we don't consider what the Blood fiend's experience may have been down in Hell, whether she was top of the food chain or not. Topside, her experience may have been a little different when you have humans and lesser devils in the mix. But the fear she experienced upon her return to Hell caused debilitating PTSD where she had to lean on Denji and Aki a lot more as she was unable to care for herself or be left alone. In this sense, it tempered her connection to Denji, especially. Almost as if the progression from a life of survival to a life of relative comfort is toppled by the harrowing reminder of one's origins.

AKI

Aki is the best literal example of the negative ramifications of "going home". As he packs the kids up for a reluctant trip to Hokkaido to visit his family's graves, Power and Denji remain immature handfuls even on the tail end of the Darkness Devil drama. But as the snow falls and Power sleeps, Aki confesses to Denji:

Every year, when I went to visit their grave, I'd remember nothing but bad things. It was depressing. But this time, you guys were such pests that I didn't have the time to get lost in that.

It's bittersweet, this acknowledgement. Seeing their behavior somewhat changed, his own resolve toward them softening, he questions whether his pursuit of the Gun Devil justifies the possibility of jeopardizing the peace he's cultivated with his found family. A distinct change of heart in light of his previous attitude toward devils and fiends, not just Power and Denji. But moreso an outright defiance of the very thing that has driven his survival thus far. That, of course, being to avenge his family's death by killing the Gun Devil. His decision to pull from the expedition is, of course, manipulated by Makima by using her purview over Power and Denji to solidify his participation. The irony of his found family enabling him to resolve his need for revenge being the bargaining chip to keep him on the hook is dastardly. Moreover, the knowledge that vengeance was never even on the table for him.

The linchpin in this is, of course, the fact that, what precedes Aki's end is not his return to home but the Angel Devil's who he inadvertently and without knowing accompanies. A past Angel Devil had forgotten, courtesy of Makima, precipitates Aki's death and evolution into the Gun Fiend. As the battle wages, the fact that it plays out as the snowball fight with Denji was devastating in light of his previous losses.

DENJI

With Denji's integration into society, his many goals thwarted by the unsatisfying reality of them, and the comfort he establishes with Power and Aki, we see him grow to understand the world a little better. He's still a neglected and immature kid but his emotional intelligence sharpens with his aspirations even if they only go so far as to wish to impress Makima. With all the trauma he'd suffered prior to joining Public Safety and even the trouble he experienced with them, fighting and killing Aki the Gun Fiend proves to be too big of a breaking point for him. It doesn't hit him immediately. But he finds himself unable to enjoy such simple pleasures with the guilt and turmoil of killing someone he hadn't realized meant so much to him and comes to understand the loss and pain so latently. The end of Aki's character arc as punctuated by Denji, even as prophesied, was shattering to watch unfold. Especially juxtaposed with the innocence of the snowball fight in his consciousness.

This altercation, too, was preceded by a door Denji didn't want to open. A door we'd seen many times over. A door that he'd decided was best left closed wayyy back in Hokkaido. 👇🏾

Aki's death yields a significant windfall of money willed to Denji to take care of he and Power. Money, the driving factor in his previous suffering, is no longer a problem for him and he uses it to taste and experience more but they do not quell the unrest within him.

Even though Denji grown to adjust to the world he finds himself in with his rebirth as Chainsaw Man, this loss, in particular, forces a deeper reflection beyond the frivolity of why touching his first boob is unsatisfying. He laments the fact that every choice, every want inevitably goes to crap just as Makima finds him. Ultimately, this extremely low point (not unlike the misery she'd initially found him in), is exactly where we see their relation to one another come full circle: Denji, a dog to Makima's whims.

As Denji submits to Makima, we immediately see the cost of his allegiance. Not only by means of Power's death but the fact that her orders completely conflict with what Pochita has been urging him against this whole time. Never mind the fact that this is the second time where he knew precisely to what end the door he was opening would reveal. Aki. Power. But, even though his expectations have been met at the other side of that door, whether it be Aki's or Makima's, it never prepares him for the big reveal. The worse turning worst case scenario. Denji's shock at Makima making good on her word allows for her full plan to come into focus.

The door opens, the true depth of Denji's backstory is revealed. The irony of Makima, the Control Devil, condemning the actions of a child trying to survive the abuse of his father is something the reader doesn't have time to reconcile it before the next big twist to the story is revealed, the next big fight.

This cycle of violence and revelation without reflection breeds an odd disconnect from the events, probably not unlike Denji's own perceived experience. Perhaps it informs our collective amnesia when it comes to the story, again, not unlike Denji's as he's forced to play the part of Chainsaw Man. A blessing and a curse, born of affection and the belief that Denji should get to lead a normal, fulfilling life. But Pochita's kindness is unexpectedly barbed despite his innocent and unassuming appearance because the Chainsaw Devil is one so feared, one so renowned, it is marked and killed by many devils but he arises again and again.

Almost as if Pochita was avoiding the burden of his own nature like Denji avoided the truth of his past... I don't know, perhaps this rant was a bit self-indulgent but whenever I think about these 3 (to 5 if we count Angel and Pochita) characters floating through the ether of life only to be connected and summarily destroyed by the fact that they finally found something worth living for really just spoils my thoughts for where this story is going, what the grand message is. If there's even a grand message at all.

[voidsentprinces]

10 Fandoms, 10 Characters, 10 Tags

Basic rules: choose 10 fandoms that you are part of/support, and choose a favorite character from each of those. Then, tag ten folks!

Tagged by: @eorzeanflowers

Tagging: @under-the-blood-moonlight @placesyoucallhome @meatball-headache-part-2 @ashenbun @eriyu @windup-dragoon @strawbebbynya @disciple-of-frost and uhh...Viewers Like You. Do it. DO IT OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN WITH ATHENA! Or don't...I haven't unlocked Pandaemonium yet...or probably ever.

MELON LORD!

An obscure character who doesn't appear until the Finale of Avatar the Last Airbender. They are the deadliest opponent Team Avatar ever faces including Ozai later in the finale. And like any good villain instead of fracturing the force to make them go off on their own and leaving Aang alone. The Melon Lord forces the Team to work together and utilize their strengths. And makes Aang face his doubts about defeating Ozai and killing him. But also brings out that the rest of Team Avatar have no qualms about Ozai falling even Zuko. Which is why it falls to Aang to find another solution of his own. Truly the Melon Lord is the series most iconic villain even if they are only briefly in the series. But if anime like say DeathNote has taught me anything, a character can show up for 5 seconds and get an entire backing behind it.

2. Kanaya

She's a lesbian alien vampire with a fashion sense and a chainsaw and she uses the blood of her enemies as her lipstick. What the fuck isn't there to like?

3. Kanji Tatsumi

He's just a REALLY GOOD GUY, okay? Dude is just trying to make it out of here alive and live his life. After experiencing gay panic by being attracted to a masculine presenting person.

4. Astarion

The sexiest character all through the alpha pre-release, is the only person not trying to sleep with me. He's there for if I want to murder a son a bitch or if I was to take another path out. Dude has been nothing but a supportive bro from the onset. Respect.

5. Makima

We here on this blog respect women's rights and women's VERY WRONGS

6. Haurchefant Greystone

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE HEAVENSWARD EXPY WHERE THE STONE IS COLD AND THE ELEZEN ARE PRETTY OH WONT YOU PLEASE TAKE ME HOOOOOMMMEE!

7. Arthas Menethil

The walking embodiment of a sunk cost fallacy turning a hero into an iconic villain.

8. Mae Borowski

Man I knew a few people like her, so she is kind of like a nostalgic friend.

9. Ranni the Witch

In every FromSoft game, I find at least one character who I put my entire all behind. But is the first time, there was an ending that felt worth while in pursuing who I was happy to follow til the ends of the earth. It didn't feel like I was fulfilling my destiny but helping someone else fulfill theirs. Even if she is the reason the game started to begin with.

10. Samwise Gamgee

What is there to say? Just Samwise Gamgee.

[davidmariottecomics]

Best of 2023

Hi there, 

This week, we're celebrating the 2 year anniversary of my website and blog (well, just under 2 years, it officially launched on Jan 1). So, to round out this year with the blog and in general, I thought I'd do a little roundup of my personal "Best of" 2023. This is more a list of stuff I really dug this year than a formal ranking of any sort, and a lot of this isn't necessarily new in 2023, so much as stuff I discovered (and rediscovered) this year! Some things will get a little extra blurb, some things will just be listed. Alright, without further ado, my best of 2023! 

PODCASTS: Dungeons & Daddies - Legitimately, 90% of my podcast listening this year was either Dungeons & Daddies or Blank Check. I don't even think I meant for it to be like that, it's just how it happened. As a work of collaborative fiction, I really love Dungeons & Daddies. It's a super funny show and this past week-ish, I've been relistening to Season 2 so far and have just been delighting in it.  Blank Check My Year in MENSA Solve This Murder The Real Housewives of Dungeons & Dragons Abandoning the Premise - Haven't heard of it? Well so far, there's only one episode and it's exclusive to my Patreon! But it was fun and I'd like to revisit in the future! 

VIDEO GAMES:  Reverse 1999 Honkai Star Rail - I am very bad at playing updating video games. It doesn't come naturally to me. I am not someone who completes a lot of games--if I am really gripped by something, I'll finish the story, but I'm not very good about new game plus and 100% runs or anything like that. So, what usually happens with games like this is I get to a point where I am caught up and then I take a break because something else catches my eye or I have less time or I just feel like there's not a lot to do with where I'm at in the game and when I next try to dip in, I feel too far behind. That's definitely where I am with HSR right now, but I'm hoping to take some of my remaining time off to actually try to play and enjoy it again.  The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog Detective Pikachu Returns - This was a Christmas gift and it's delightful! A lot of the puzzle-solving is very easy, but, I dunno, I like hanging out with my friends the Pokemon. 

COMICS:  Nancy Chainsaw Man Milky Way by Miguel Vila - Another Christmas gift, this book is beautifully ugly. It is a semi-erotic relationship-thriller that I think does a very good job of balancing the grotesqueness of human nature and interpersonal relations with a sort of soft loving lens of what compels us toward each other, even when it's at our expense. There's deception and injury and fetishization presented in ways that remind you why they're often treated as morally repugnant, but also are so attractive to us so often.  Superman Kaguya-Sama: Love is War 17-21 The Rock Cocks Witch Watch - Every Sunday morning, I read through my "webcomics" of the week. I hit up Webtoon and catch up on anything there, then hop to Shonen Jump and read my new stuff there. Consistently, Witch Watch is probably my favorite read each Sunday morning, just because it almost never misses weeks and the characters are all just so delightful. Even with the current storyline being kinda weird (one of the main characters has been turned from a teen into a toddler and is being kinda raised by her romantic interest...) there's such a solid core of thoughtfulness and care and humor that I think it just always works.  Spy x Famiy  Lore Olympus Girl Taking Over: A Lois Lane Story Birds of Prey Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville - I recently talked on my Patreon about how I think playing backseat editor and coming up with "a book that would really get readers to the shop regularly again" isn't practical because I think there are other things that could bolster comic sales in longer-lasting, better ways and I think particularly with the current state of the readership, "comics readers" aren't looking for a unifying title, they're looking for the stuff they find personally compelling. I'm a guy in comics, I have a lot to say on that and how to improve things, but that's for another day. Why I bring it up here is between Birds of Prey and Fire & Ice, those are the books that if there was justice in this world would bring all the boys to the yard. These are the exact kind of superhero titles I wanna read all the time. Poison Ivy: Thorns Superman: The Harvests of Youth Dumbing of Age One Piece Crimehot - Crimehot #4 came out this year and includes the Cassidy and Butch to our main group's Jessie and James (That's a Team Rocket reference), the way more competent counterparts who all have weirdly deep backstories with the main cast. And let me tell you... like the name says, they're hot. And they do hot stuff. It's a good comic.  Steamy Dandadan - I was recently gushing about Dandadan to some friends and described it as really hitting me as a comic that is so very much a book about whatever interests the creator at the moment (similar to Witch Watch in that way). If you read the pitch, it's like "she believes in ghosts and not aliens, and he believes in aliens and not ghosts and then wacky stuff happens to make a believer out of both of them" but it's really a light rom-com with just bonkers stuff happening and I love that about it.  Three Rocks: The story of Ernie Bushmiller, the Man Who Created Nancy  It's Lonely at the Centre of the Earth  What Happens Next - This is a webcomic I discovered not too long ago and there are content warnings on the very first page that I think are very helpful to make sure you're in the right headspace for it. I am a big fan of stories about younger adults finding their place in the world--not a coming of age "taking your first steps into real life" kind of thing, but a "you've been around for a while and life is hard and even if you're doing the right things, or nothing at all, why isn't it better and what comes next" types of stoires. This totally fits that. And it reads incredibly quickly since it's usually 1-2 panels per page. 

BOOKS:  Out There Screaming: An Anthology of New Black Horror - I look at my comics list and I look at the things I didn't place on either list and I know I read plenty this year, but it does feel strange having such a short list for traditional books. There's a lot to that: I spent like 6 weeks spending all my free reading time catching up on 1100 chapters of One Piece. I started a handful of books that I was enjoying but for one reason or another paused and didn't really pick back up. And so while this is the most recent release on the list, Out There Screaming was a major help for me because it was something I could pick up and read in short bursts and leave satisfied and wanting to come back for more. Every story--even the ones that I didn't like as much, was compelling and fun and left me thinking about it afterwards.  House of Leaves  Raw Dog: The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs - Book of the year. I don't even eat hot dogs, but I loved this book!  I'm Glad My Mom Died  The Broken Room 

TV SHOWS:  Poker Face Craig of the Creek  Rise of the TMNT  Transformers: Earthspark  I Think You Should Leave - Out of everything we've consumed this year, I think ITYSL is the most quoted show in our household (though Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/Vanderpump Rules are close contenders). So much of this show is so funny and strange.  The Rehersal Barry  My Adventures with Superman Praise Petey - Without a doubt, Praise Petey is the least known show on this list. And because of that, as I just found out, it was canceled after a single season which sucks. The premise is after her cult leader dad dies, a down-on-her-luck New Yorker moves to the countryside and becomes a cult leader... whether she wants to or not and her own feelings on that differ minute-by-minute. Despite the broad premise, it's pretty in line with other animated sitcoms like Bob's Burgers or King of the Hill (it is a Mike Judge co-production) that I think speaks in an authentic, funny voice of the 18-35 demographic. If you like Only Murders in the Building, I think this has a similar energy, but hornier and with more of the concerns of youth than of old men.  Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake Sex Education - Okay, I know I said I wasn't doing rankings, but as an overall piece of media, I think Sex Education is my show of the year. The last season, the one that came out this year, isn't my favorite of the series, but when so many shows flub their endings, this one really found a way to nail it (and to roll with the more major cast/location changes) in a way that felt real. This is one of those shows that, if it was available on DVD, I would buy to add to my "regular rotation", but much like Freaks and Geeks, I'd only ever be able to watch some of it again because as it got closer to the end, I don't know that I'd be able to emotionally take that on a regular basis.  Joe Pera Talks with You Scott Pilgrim Takes Off

MOVIES:  The Boy and the Heron The Fablemans - I have very complicated feelings about this movie. On the one hand, I really loved it on first viewing. It hit me emotionally in a major way. I've talked on the blog before about crying multiple times in the theater. And if you had asked me in the first half of the year what my favorite movie of the year was, it'd probably be this (even though it's technically a 2022 film). But I also have my issues with Steven Spielberg and... it is a film where I'm still navigating my own emotional catharsis with it relative to Spielberg as an artist/creator/subject of the film. Not to get too far into real issues of death of the author and separation of the art and artist, this is the sort of hyper-personal work that even moreso than usual I think cannot be separated from the creator and so my changing feelings on him means I'm still figuring out my new relationship with the work.  M3GAN Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem - Up until recently, this probably would've moved into the movie of the year spot. I just thought it was so much fun. It's a visual feast. I like that it's a full story (Sorry, Spider-Verse). I love the world and the enthusiasm of the turtles and just really tuned in.  Robocop Phantom of the Paradise - Becca watched this for the first time with me and we both marveled on how this kind of forgotten cult film actually informed so much of all pop culture for decades to come. I am happy to say that overall, still slaps.  Venture Bros: Radiant is the Blood of the Baboon Heart Blue Beetle Gone Girl - I ended up watching a lot of Fincher movies this year, largely influenced by Blank Check. And Gone Girl has to be my favorite of his, and, on this rewatch, one of my favorite films of the 2010s.  Oldboy Josee, the Tiger and the Fish Godzilla: Minus One - Again, not to rank things so much, but if Minus One did an Oscars sweep and took home (checks notes) every award, I'd be happy. Even the ones that don't make sense. Best Documentary Short? Give it to Godzilla, cowards! An absolute masterpiece on every level. 

MUSIC:  The Loveliest Time - Look, we got a new CRJ album. What else do you want from me? 

OTHER STUFF:  A smooth transition from IDW into the holidays (and into my new thing soon) Making a Discord for my friends and the feeling that I can spend a little time making my friendships stronger with some folks while we aren't also coworkers/collaborators. Bluesky (and not being on Twitter). Remaining boosted on my vaccines and not having any serious illness of my own. Becca's first year on Twitch.  My first year on Patreon.  WaifuExpo (now KimochiiCon) and generally being more open in my interest in consuming and creating adult material.  Having some good experiences at shows and doing so many (will not be doing so many in 2024).  Having good times with the people I love.  All the comics I edited, all the blogs I posted, and just being at an end to that for the year. 

Not to be a bummer at the end, but it has been a long, strange, difficult year. There is so much wrong in the world and so many are struggling. So, it's nice that there is also so much that I found enjoyment and comfort in. I hope you've had some real bright spots in this year too, and I look forward to next year with you. 

I am not much for resolutions. I usually don't do a good job of them, if I bother to make them at all. But I do have some things I'll briefly say I'm excited for in the coming year. 

I am excited to get married and to figure out what celebrations we can do around that.  I am excited to start this new job and tell you all about it when I can.  I am excited to make more comics. Besides my little self-drawn things that you can find on this blog, I didn't release any comics this year and I am very much looking forward to that not being the case in 2024.  I am excited to grow my friendships.  I am excited to continue this blog. 

Thanks for reading. Happy new year! 

New Releases next week (1/3/2024): Sonic the Hedgehog #68 (Editor)

Pic of the Week: A little thing about where else to find me online that I made. 

[kinetic-elaboration]

oh well, you’ve got me under your spell: chapter one

A Bellarke High School AU

Clarke is sophomore class president, assistant copy editor on the school paper, and a member of the debate team.

Bellamy is her best friend's tough, troublesome, protective older brother.

They barely even know each other. And yet for some reason he keeps showing up at her house.

For the prompt “this is the last time I’m letting you into my house,” from this prompt list, requested by @loreley02 (about a million years ago; technically the request for anything from this list for Bellarke).

Chapter One: ~8,900 words

READ ON AO3.

*

Clarke is in her living room, two-thirds of the way through a horror movie marathon with Raven and Octavia, when a knock sounds on the front door and she almost jumps out of her skin.   

It's past midnight, her parents are asleep, and all the lights in the house are off. Octavia's response—"What the fuck? What was that?"—is a fair one. So is Raven's: "Should I get a kitchen knife?" And so is the beating of Clarke's heart and the chill that runs down her spine as, silently and slowly on bare feet, she leads the trio of them down the front hall and to the door.  

"Who is it?" Octavia whispers, when Clarke leans up on her toes to look out through the peephole. "Axe murderer? Serial killer?"  

"Close." Clarke breathes out a long, relieved sigh as she settles down on her feet again. Then she starts to unlock the door. "It's your brother."  

Any comfort Clarke felt at learning she was not about to die at the hands of a chainsaw-wielding psycho melts away, though, when Raven hits the light switch and she gets a look at Bellamy's face. There's a bad bruise already starting to purple around his eye, his mouth is bloody, and his hands are even worse. His shirt is torn. He sways back a little bit too hard when Octavia jumps forward and wraps her arms around him.  

"Did you know your phone is off?" he asks her. His voice is gruff, parched with exertion and stress, but Octavia doesn't seem to notice. She just holds him out at arm's length, scanning over his face to catalogue every cut and every sign of blood.   

"Bellamy, what happened?" Clarke asks instead, and then Octavia's eyes snap to meet his and she asks, "Did mom's new boyfriend do this?"  

"What? No—no," Bellamy insists, a hard warning on the last word. "I was out, and I got into a fight. It's not a big deal but mom can't know."  

Clarke rolls her eyes when she hears that it's not a big deal and steps a little closer, her arms crossed tight against her chest. "There's obviously more to the story than that—"  

"No there isn't—"  

"Clarke, just don't right now, okay?"  

"Guys, hey."  

Octavia's voice was all plea, but the look on her face had as much warning in it as her brother's words did a moment before, and Clarke feels a defensive anger, made all the worse by how bone-deep worried and honestly, secretly scared she is, starting to boil to the surface—all of which is sure to make the situation escalate at top speed. It's only Raven's sudden re-appearance in the hallway that cuts the growing argument off at the head. She's holding up a bag of frozen peas, wrapped in a dishtowel, and staring at them with a combination of surprise, concern, and judgement that puts Clarke utterly to shame.  

"I know Abby has a real first aid kit around here somewhere," she says, "but I improvised this for your eye, just to start."  

She holds the peas out, but it takes several long moments before anyone thinks to take them. And then it's Clarke, at last, who steps forward and passes them off to Bellamy. He winces as he presses the misshapen cold bag to his cheekbone. It's weird, but not that weird, that Clarke didn't even notice Raven stepping out into the kitchen. And it's weird that Bellamy, under the single hallway light, looks so worn and exhausted, so secretly fragile, and maybe a little scared, too.  

But not that weird.  

"Clarke will fix you up," Octavia promises, slinging her arm through his and leaning against his shoulder. "And I won't tell mom anything, I swear."  

She still has questions, too many of them, crowding in her mouth, jostling together in her brain, but all Clarke does is nod. Yes, of course. She'll fix him right up.   

The first aid kit is in the downstairs bathroom, tucked in under the sink, and even though the room is just a tiny half-bath, not even the edge of a tub to perch on, they all crowd inside anyway: Bellamy seated on the closed toilet lid while Clarke kneels in front of him and Raven and Octavia stand awkwardly against the walls. Raven had the presence of mind, at least, to turn off the hallway light, so now the house is dark again. No need to alert any parents here.  

The light in the bathroom seems that much brighter, though, in contrast: a hard antiseptic yellow bouncing off the tile. Clarke can see too well every break in Bellamy's skin, every new lilac-colored bruise just beginning to deepen to purple and blue. His hands are in worse shape than his face, which she supposes means he gave worse than he got. But she's not really up for offering him any congratulations. For a long time, she doesn't say anything at all. None of them do, still scared perhaps, or still too tense, although Bellamy sucks in a sharp breath every now and then through his teeth, as Clarke cleans and disinfects his cuts and scrapes. "Just another minute," she murmurs, as she watches herself as if from far away, watches her hands that look like someone else's hands, caring for him with such caution and such gentleness.  

Read the rest on AO3.