#I was trying out some new brushes wheee

[edgepunk]

good boah

[whumpsday]

Kane & Jim #47: Failure

Masterlist

content: vampire whumpee, kidnapping (two of ‘em), knives, burns

i should have written this chapter ages ago but it’s finally here wheee

-

The next reunion was in two years.

Kane chewed on the inside of his cheek anxiously as he considered his options. It had been ten years since he took his first human, and five years since the last time he saw him. The escape.

He thought he couldn’t be an even bigger object of ridicule among the nobility, but he was wrong. No one else’s human had ever escaped. Maybe a human would run from the blood farms a week after being captured, before the persuasion had any time to nestle itself in their brain. But not a noble’s human after five years. It was unheard of. He was exceptional in his incompetence.

He should have taken a new human right away, but he didn’t. What if he failed? What if it happened again? Father had told him not to, that he would only embarrass the family. And he’d been right. So Kane isolated himself like he always had, steeped in bitterness and shame.

But now, the reunion was in two years. He’d barely gotten his last human trained enough to attend last time, and there was no way of telling what his next human’s temperament would be like ahead of time. If he intended to attend, he needed to act fast. And if he didn’t... it would be like this forever. He would never prove himself.

Kane got himself ready for his next trip to human territory.

He didn't try to be so sneaky this time. The capture itself had turned out easier than Kane had thought it would be the first time, it was the training that was difficult. No more cloaks. He just wore his normal button-down with a casual suit jacket and slacks, his normal outfit for going out. He did still take the car, though: trying to carry a struggling human all the way back home sounded like a pain. He could carry his human home without issue if he had persuasion, but this would have to do.

Kane drove to a different area of human territory this time, arriving a few hours after sunset. Fresh slate. Maybe the humans here would be more docile.

He drove around slowly and carefully, eyeing his selection. it was a larger selection than last time, as he’d left at sunset instead of in the middle of the night, and gone deeper into human territory, where humans were less cautious, though they were still relatively sparse.

He wasn’t going for smell, this time. The deliciousness of his last human’s blood was a good but ultimately unimportant feature. He wanted someone who looked easy to control.

Humans in groups or pairs, he avoided. He wanted a loner, someone without support, easy to break. After perusing his selection for a while, he spotted a woman walking alone, wearing headphones. One of those new portable players, Kane imagined.

She looked weak, even for a human. Perfect. Kane parked his car and followed.

He grabbed her just as he had his first human a decade ago. He clamped a hand over her mouth before she could scream, though she still tried, a muffled yelp of fear and shock escaping as he ran her back to where he’d parked.

But before he could continue his abduction, Kane felt a sharp, burning sensation piercing right between his shoulder blades, like someone had stuck him with a hot poker. He gasped, dropping the woman and reaching frantically behind him to remove it.

His would-be victim wasted no time in running away screaming for help, but it didn’t matter. He could catch up to her easily. What mattered was getting this awful whatever-it-was out of him, but he just couldn’t seem to reach. It was small, and half-buried in him, some sort of projectile. He could just barely brush his fingers against it, but when he did, they curled back at the singe.

Silver.

Kane tried to ignore the white-hot burning in his back and looked around frantically. This was what he’d been warned about, to not try to take a human lest he be killed by hunters and embarrass his family. It would be the most humiliating possible way to die, killed by his own prey.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself. He only had enough time to think I should just get back in the car before a second shot landed in the back of his knee, sending him tumbling to the ground with an embarrassing yelp.

The horrible pain was too distracting, his reaction time slowed. He smelled the humans too late, two tackling him to the ground, his face hitting asphalt. Unbefitting someone of his status.

"Get off me, you insolent little shits!” he growled, trying to throw them off, given they weren’t at an angle where he could smash their heads in. But despite being far stronger than either human, he was already injured and disoriented. Kane shrieked as one of them sliced the back of his ankle with what had to be a silver knife, the pain of it unlike anything he’d felt before in his life.

The thought that he wouldn’t be able to run anymore slammed into him like a freight train.

He rolled, swiping with his sharp, claw-like nails, but the hunter with the knife easily dodged his clumsy attempt.

“Back off! I’ll kill you!” Kane screamed, furious. How dare these humans make a fool of him?

Two more hunters emerged, and his heart sunk as he realized he was screwed. Vampires with persuasion died like this. He stood no chance.

Kane panted hard, exhausted from the fight and unable to think of anything but his own impending death.

He was a failure. He’d failed as much as it was possible to do, on every level there was. There was no part of this he hadn’t fucked up, both tonight and throughout his 110 years of life. There would be no more second chances. He would die here, at the hands of his own prey, humiliated.

The hunter readied a stake.

Kane hissed, loud and feral, like a wild animal. I’m going to die. He struggled to get away, but he was too injured to do much.

“Wait.” One of his colleagues held up a hand, motioning for him to stop. “It didn’t use persuasion. It said that stuff, to get off it or back off, and there was no persuasion. Why?”

“How the fuck should I know?” the hunter holding the stake asked.

Kane’s fury overcame his fear of death. “How dare you? Do you have any idea who I am? I am not an it, I am Kane de Sang, seventh-born of Aldrich de Sang, and I-”

“Yeah, wait, he’s right. Why’s it wasting lip service on this when it could be making one of us let go?” one of the hunters holding him down asked.

“That’s what I’m saying. What if it can’t use it? Like uh, the one from that book?”

“Oh yeah, I remember that! You’re saying this could be another one like that?”

“Hey.” The hunter with the stake turned it around and tapped Kane’s forehead with the blunt end. “You’ve got no persuasion, do you, leech?”

Kane bared his fangs with a snarl. “I am going to tear your throat out so violently that any survivors will need to carry your corpse home in two pieces.”

“It totally can’t do it!” the hunter exclaimed. Mocking.

Kane’s struggles reached a new high, his rage incalculable. He would not die being mocked by humans. 

“This changes shit. We could bring it back. We could keep it,” one of the hunters holding him down suggested.

“You could what?” Kane asked incredulously.

The hunter with the stake smirked, placing it back on his belt and pulling out a bloody silver knife instead. “Say goodnight, parasite.”

Before Kane could voice his utter indignation, the hunter plunged the knife into his heart. His eyes flew open in a moment of absolute agony, as if the splintered shards of a thousand suns had forced their way into his chest, and then there was nothing.

-

Kane woke up.

He startled awake at the feeling of a hard floor beneath him, his chest and ankles aching. It took him a moment to remember what had happened, but when he did, his eyes flew wide.

He was in a cell. It looked concrete, with metal bars and a metal door. The hallway outside was empty, more concrete.

A slight touch to the door had Kane wincing and flicking his hand through the air. Silver.

He punched the wall, and it crumbled a bit beneath the force of him. Enough force to split a human’s skull, which was exactly what he would do to those fucking hunters when he got out of here.

A few more punches yielded similar results, but it was becoming increasingly clear that this wasn’t getting him anywhere. This cell was designed to hold a vampire. Besides, he didn’t even know what time it was. If it was daytime and he managed to break through to daylight, he’d definitely be screwed.

He was stuck. The thought settled like ice in his gut. He was stuck here, imprisoned by vampire hunters.

For the first time in his life, Kane de Sang felt true fear.

-

sorry this took a thousand years, been getting more hours at work

extra content posted between #46 and #47:

Canon drabble: Thirty-Four, have some present-arc Jim reflections

Crossover: Kane & Raiza, where whump-queen’s whumper Raiza gets Kane after his stay with the hunters, instead of Jim. if you ever wanted to see Kane in a pet whump setting, here it is.

Crossover: K&J x MMSS has continued with a new timeline! (newest timeline is 18+ only, but the first two are all-ages.)

-

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[a-purple-lizard]

Hello lovely! I know ur still working on part two of the smutty raiden story but can I request a short fluffy one shot of Raiden making sushi with his wife who’s a total cinnamon roll 🤗

Thank uuuu🙏🏼

Sushi at the sky temple

Raiden x Fem wife reader

Oh goodness! I’ve been writing too much angst, the fluff- it’s putting life into my soul! Goodness! The tooth rotting fluff!

Raiden groaned slightly in his sleep, arm stretching to his right, searching for a warm body to no avail. He grunted at the lack of contact. “Raiden.” An excited whisper sounded in his ear. “Wake up darling.” The god groaned, rolling on his side. A frustrated huff sounded above him as he was suddenly pushed out of his semi conscious state by a weight on his chest.

Opening his glowing eyes, he could see the source of his slumbers interruption. His beloved wife, S/o sat on his chest, thighs pinning his arms to his sides. She smiled down as him before dipping her head down and painting gentle butterfly kisses over his face. The thunder god smiled and closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling.

With one last light kiss on the tip of his nose, she sat up and allowed him to open his eyes. “Is there a reason for this awakening, s/o?”

She smiled down at him, sliding off of his body to stand next to the bed, “Yes, come with me, I have a surprise for you.”

Standing up, he started to take off his silk pajamas as s/o grabbed his robes, laying them out on the dresser as she grabbed the thunder gods armor plating from its stand. Raiden quickly slipped into his robes, turning as a/o approached with his metal plating. The god attached the arm plates as his wife strapped on the chest and back plate. After a few more adjustments and layers, the god was fully dressed and ready. Well almost.

His silver hair was in tangles from his restless slumber. S/o ran her hand through the silky substance before grabbing a brush nearbye and gesturing for him to follow her.

The two made their way down to the next floor of the sky temple, Raiden didn’t worry about anybody seeing his messy appearance since the top three floors of the sky temple were forbidden to the monks and they were not expecting any visitors.

His beloved finally halted at the food preparation area, her smile bright. Raiden scanned the surface of the table, two wooden bowls of rice sat side by side, behinde them was a large sushi bowl decorated in carvings of Sakura trees. A small glass pitcher of amber liquid rested in the countertop next to a large wooden spoon.

“I’ve been really wanting some sushi recently, I mentioned it to Kung Lao last time he visited, and he surprised me the other day with the items needed to make it.” She gently grabbed his hands, leading him over to a spot wheee he could easily access all the items. “I thought we could do it together! Make it fun?”

The god felt his neutral expression shift to a smile at the woman’s offer. After all, not even a god could resist that hopeful look in her eyes. “Where do we start?”

The light of her smile was enough to shame the sun as she stood beside him, brush still in hand. “I’ll fix your hair while you prepare the rice, I’ll instruct you.” She explained, stroking the object through his hair. “First, pour those two bowls of sushi rice into that big wooden sushi bowl.”

Raiden could feel the heat radiate off of the rice as he gently let it fall into the sushi bowl, she must had just made it. S/o hummed behinde him, “okay, now grab that glass of seasoned rice vinegar and pour it on the rice.”

Turning around to grab the glass pitcher, he was ambushed with a kiss on his cheek. He managed to playfully nuzzle her hair in retaliation before returning to the task at hand and guiding the glass over the sushi bowl and pouring it onto the rice. A playful tug at his hair told him what when to stop. “I’m almost done, now grab that flat wooden spoon and break up the rice.”

Glowing eyes, slid over to the wooden spoons location, next to where the glass pitcher once was. He turned once again to obtain the object, smiling as he saw movement from the corner of his eye. He quickly turned his head as S/o’s lips landed on his. She squealed in delight, allowing their lips to press together for a moment before she returned to her task, smiling at the brush as she did so.

With the spoon in his hand, the god broke apart the vinegar soaked rice, a smile still on his face. S/o ran her fingers through his silky locks, a hum of approval sounding from her throat. As she walked over to the table in the next room she yelled over her shoulder, “oh, make sure you’re folding the rice over itself.”

She returned shortly after, the brush no where to be found. She nodded in approval at the sushi bowl. Opening a drawer, she pulled out a bladed fan that Raiden recognized at Kitanas. He sent her a questioning look as s/o started to fan the rice. “What? She left it here! Plus I’m going to give it back to her! I just keep forgetting...” she smiled sheepishly at her work.

The two stood side by side, repeating the process over and over until the glass pitcher of vinegar was empty. S/o took charge, placing a sheet of silk over the bowl before disappearing behinde Raiden, returning with sheets of nori. “Lay these out Raiden, make sure to put the shiny sides face down, oh and put them on those wooden mats I have piled up over there.” She instructed before disappearing again.

Doing as he was told, he lay out each sheet in an orderly fashion on the counter, carefully aligning them with the wooden Mats, His wife returned, a wooden basket filled with cut up herbs and vegetables as well as a bowl filled with water. “Here, wet your hands.” She placed the bowl down. Raiden dipped his hands in, shaking off the excess water.

“Why did I do that?” He asked as s/o placed the vegetables in a neat row. She smiled at him, leaning forward to kiss his eyelid.

“So the rice doesn’t stick.” She explained briefly, “now get a bit of rice for each sheet and press it down to cover the sheet, leave an inch of nori paper open though, it’s for later!”

Softly, he pressed the rice on each sheet into the requested position, as soon as the last grain was put in place, he felt lips place themselves on the back of his neck. “Thank you, love. Now go wash your hands, I’ll take over.”

S/o slid in front of him, placing the herbs and vegetables in a neat line in the center of the rice covered paper. Walking over to the sink, Raiden pressed down the leaver, showering his slightly sticky hands in water before pouring liquid out of a small red bottle nearbye into his hands.

When he turned around, he found that each sheet had a row of filling on top. S/o was currently folding a mat over, rolling the paper along with it. She tucked the mat in at a certain point, squeezing the mat before undoing it, revealing a loose roll underneath. She then flipped it over, using the mat to shape the roll.

When she noticed raidens gaze, she smiled warmly at him, “do you think you can do the other ones? I can start the cutting!”

He chuckled at her cheerful smile, walking over to the remaining rolls and mimicking her movements. As he did that, s/o grabbed a knife from the drawer and delicately pressed it down at multiple points in the roll, cutting it evenly. She religiously swiped a silk cloth over it after each cut.

Finally, they were finished. Raiden handed his wife a glass platter. She smiled and gave him a thankful look as she started to neatly placed each sushi roll. “Here, I know I had some soy sauce saved in that cabinet.” She gestured to a cubby above raidens head. Ye thunder hod opened it, finding only a few small bottles, “it’s the one next to the pink one.”

Grabbing the desired bottle, he handed it to s/o who had just finished her work. She nodded before placing it on the counter and leaning down, opening the cabinets below her. Raiden turned away, grabbing the supply’s that needed cleaning and taking them over to the sink. As he washed, s/o took out three bowls and a few more unnamed bottles.

She placed each bowl on the platter, spreading them out and filling them with soy sauce. Taking the unmarked bottles, she drizzled different sauces on the rolls. S/o screwed the bottles shut, walking around the food preparation area, putting each back in their place. Raiden had finished up with cleaning the supplies and started to put each item away.

S/o quickly dashed over to help. After everything was put away, Raiden grabbed the platter and headed to the table, his wide staying behinde to grab two pairs of chopsticks.

She handed a pair to Raiden as the two sat down side my side. S/o leaned on her husband as they both tried one. The woman anxiously grabbed at her clothes, waiting for the gods response.

Raiden didn’t eat food, well not anymore. When he was still new to existence, he tried many kinds of food, experiencing as mush as he could. As time went on, the god started to lose interest since eating gave him no benefit other then the temperal pleasure on his tongue.

His expression morphed into a satisfied one as he finished his last bite. S/o smiled and let out a small squeal, earning a playful nuzzle from the god.

The two lovers stayed there, side by side, tasting their creation as s/o went on and on about different things they could try. Raiden just smiled, enjoying watching the adorable passion rush throughout her face.

[toonqueen]

Duckvember 2020

PART 1 OF 2

Part 2 is Here

Frenemy AND Paramour

This is my Negaverse Gladstone (Grimstone) and Nega Magica in my 87/Comics headcanon. SHELDRAKE is @cataradical 's and he’s a cool jerk. Wheee.

THERE IS CUSSING and dirty things said. It’s the Negaverse that's just what goes down there. PG-13ish?!

--------

Sheldrake was glad to have a very easy mission this time. It was planned to be the typical “act natural at a party, steal a thing, and then slip out” kind of job. And it was a solo mission; no coworkers to be annoyed with him (and vice versa). To top it off, he was actually invited to this shindig. Well, his paladin sect received the invite, but that meant he didn’t have to sneak in. With everything added up, it was practically a vacation!

What Shel expected to be a boring hunters’ gala was anything but. The leaders of different groups were trying to appeal to a modern, younger crowd. Instead of a stuffy meeting with the typical job fair flair, it was a real, honest to God party. A full bar! And dancers in cages! Sheldrake couldn't help but chuckle at how hard old fogey hunters were trying to get new blood. Crimey.

The paladin went to the bar and ordered a drink. He sat on a stool facing the crowd, keeping an eye out for his target. 

"Well, hello there," a sultry voice greeted him. A tall redheaded duck leaned up against the bar beside him. She motioned to the bartender to get his attention. "I'll have what he's having."

Sheldrake wasn't caught off guard by the attractive duck's flirting. Despite his cursed energy that often drove others away or made them immediately dislike him, people that were intentionally and professionally deceptive could overcome it in an attempt to get something they wanted. Lord, it was a test, though.

The lady’s tight red dress and orange wavy locks were clearly up to no good. She was a literal red herring if Shel ever saw one. However, he played it cool.

"First hunter's gala?" He sipped his drink and gave the mystery woman a smile.

"Oh, I've been to a few--none quite like this though. Luckily I dressed for the occasion," she paused like she was turning a knob to up the seduction. She moved around, but kept looking back at Shel. "It would be even more exciting if I had one of those VIP passes I've heard others whisper so much about."

Sheldrake smirked. He knew this overtly sexy duck was trying to weasel her way to being a plus one on a special invite. However, he was curious as to why. "Yeah, it would be great to have one of those. But what is it even for? To join an exclusive party with more go-go dancers in cages?"

The redhead let out a giggle. A high pitched one, as if Sheldrake were just the funniest, most charming guy in the room. "I heard it was for a special auction. A bunch of rare items retrieved and uncovered by different hunters,” she replied. “My, I couldn't afford any of them, but I would love to look. Be some nice arm candy for a kind gentleman."

Sheldrake just chuckled before taking a sip of his drink. The lady hadn't touched hers yet. She watched him, slowly drawing her finger around the rim of the glass with a bewitching glow in her eyes.

Finally, Sheldrake said bluntly, "I'd give your performance a 9 out of 10. It might work on those first year hunters over there.” He waved vaguely to a group of younger bachelor-types chatting and laughing on the dance floor. “However, not quite buyin’ what you’re sellin’.”

The redhead shot them a quick look before turning back to Shel. "But they're not my type," she pouted. She leaned in a bit toward the paladin, and placed her hand over his on the bar. "I’d rather have someone more seasoned who can answer any questions I may have about the artifacts."

"Oh, I see, I see; switching gears, okay, okay. Stroke my ego first, then go for my intellect? If sex doesn't sell, then try brains? Gettin’ any warmer?" Sheldrake downed the rest of his drink in one gulp. "Well, this has been very amusing, and I wish you all the luck. Unfortunately, my VIP pass is just for me and doesn't allow a buddy. Boo dang hoo. Maybe try one of those light paladins in the white capes over to the left. They're way more sociable and have to travel in pairs." He gave another general hand wave… everywhere.

The redhead narrowed her dusky eyes. It was the first time she had shown any annoyance with Shel--ah, there it was, back to normal. The paladin slid off his stool, but before he could stand, the lady pressed her entire body flush against his side, beak in his head feathers..

Sheldrake expected a final desperate plea. Something to the effect of “I really need to see this event for my research,” or “please help me, I lost my own pass and my sect will be furious.”

Instead he got a low, unexpected voice. A familiar one that could be likened to Antonio Birderas' role in “Debate with a Vampire”, except if he were a white peking duck raised in suburbia with a twinge of a farmboy accent.

"Shel, I need to get into that auction to obtain a crucial item," Grimstone's voice whispered clearly out of this petite, curvy redheaded lady’s bill, "you have to give me your pass."

The paladin did not outwardly act surprised. He had 100% picked up the fact this woman was hiding something--more than the obvious. He did not expect, however, that Grimestone would be involved.

Shel hummed shortly. With a coy smile, he slid a hand around the redhead’s waist, whispered, "I didn't know you were so proficient in glamour spells."

"I'm not," Grimstone said, his voice reverting back to that soft, playful feminine tone, "my wife is one of the gentlemen servers."

"Oh, how cute," Sheldrake teased, pulling away from the duck.

"She doesn't like to be… flashy," Grimstone explained, a little defensive, looking over his luscious figure and tight-fitting dress.

"I get it, I get it. Taking one for the team, hm?" the paladin smirked as he sized Grimstone’s disguise up, "give my compliments to the caster, though.” He blew a kiss from his fingertips, as if praising a delicious gourmet meal. “Great job. Succulent, divine, mouthwateringly juicy."

Grimstone scowled, crossing his arms. "Sheldrake, the pass."

"Sorry. I have business here, too," the paladin disagreed, "why don't you try those frat boys I recommended earlier?”

"I’ve already tried. You were my last resort. Trust me, this is for the greater good," Grimstone explained.

Sheldrake put his hand to his chin, pretending he was thinking deeply. Grimstone and him had an interesting work relationship; they’d helped each other on several occasions in the past, but also had been on opposite sides a few times, too. Finally, after much consideration, he said casually, "Yeah, no. I'm sure you'll find another way."

Grimstone’s tiny manicured fingers curled into tight fists. "Is there somewhere private we could discuss this more openly?" he pressed.

"Man, this is a borderline orgy sex party. I'm sure there’s a room we can get for a half an hour," Sheldrake replied, then gave an obnoxious wink. 

Grim rolled his eyes. “I don’t have time for this. People have been dipping out to the stairwell to smoke. We’ll talk there,” the disguised warlock suggested.

“Sure. Sure. I take it your high school prom wasn’t that exciting,” Sheldrake taunted. 

Grim sighed and nodded to a waiter nearby before taking Sheldrake’s arm in his. “Let’s walk, then. Hopefully no one’s there at the moment,” he said. Despite the voice coming from the redhead being so playful and demure, Sheldrake could tell Grimstone was using his “I'm taking charge of this operation” tone. 

Sheldrake would normally roll his eyes when Grim spoke to him so seriously, as if he were one of his many wild rugrats. However, he played along, swaying off side by side with this very attractive lady.

Once outside on the desolate stairwell, Grimstone exhaled heavily. "There is a magical person of interest I’m here to free, and it's of the utmost importance that I do.” He spoke in an unusual voice; neither his normal voice, or his disguise’s. Rather, a unique combination; feminine, but more husky. Kinda cute, actually.

"And you don't think what I'm doing here isn’t important, too?" Sheldrake replied, loosely crossing his arms.

"I really *do not* have time for this Shel. I’m handling a case where a school of children were transformed into inanimate objects, and I need to free this woman known as the Brunswick witch who specializes in these curses and can break it,," Grimstone explained. He glanced cautiously at the stairwell window.

"And I have an out of place artifact from a different universe I need to win--or steal, if I have to. I can't give you my pass," Sheldrake insisted. He was going to add a flirty comment, but quickly saw the short nod Grimstone gave in the window’s direction before looking back at him again. 

Sheldrake sighed. "You're really going to fight me in a building full of hunters?” He leaned close, booping his beak against Grimstone’s. “*Really*, my guy?”

"I need the pass, Shel. You leave me no choice," Grimstone lamented, rolling his hands up his arms as if drawing back sleeves. Sheldrake expected a punch, but was instead tackled around the waist like a damn linebacker instead. 

Sheldrake would’ve had the wind knocked out of him if he hit the ground like Grim intended. Instead, he wiggled his shoulder and pulled an arm free, grabbing his attacker. With expert ease, Sheldrake pinned Grim down on his back with one knee in a partial straddle. 

Brushing loose bangs from his eyes, he looked down to see if Grim had slipped out of his glamour in the brief scuffle. Rather, Grimstone’s disguise was shifting, brows becoming thicker, body filling out, patches of feathers turning black.

Grimstone was trying to copy and transform into Sheldrake. 

“Aw,” Sheldrake chortled at the struggling duck, “well, they do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

Grimstone gave a distinctively annoyed “ugh” before ripping an arm free and grabbing Shel by the throat; however, he didn’t squeeze or attempt to choke him. "And I do often tell you to go fuck yourself."

"That… trying to be a badass line doesn't quite work in your position, buddy," Sheldrake added as he fought to keep Grimstone's hand down.

"I just have to,” Grimstone's voice dipped back down to his own before changing into one eerily similar to Sheldrake’s, "keep you talking."

"Hol-lee shit. Well, the glamour spell might’ve been the missus, but you're totally doing that all on your own. How quaint! I can't believe you've been holding out on me. I thought you told me *all* the tricks you could do," Sheldrake replied. Grimstone went to grab something, anything from Sheldrake’s pocket. “Oh, no, you don't! Don't get handsy with me."

"You didn’t have a problem with it before," Grimstone snarked at the comment. He continued flailing and clawing until Sheldrake eased back to elbow him in the beak. Just enough leverage for the warlock to free his second hand, grip Shel’s shoulder tight.

Grimstone snarled, twisting one of his leg's around Shel's until they switched positions, the paladin now pinned beneath the demonic duck.

"How is it that we're both expertly trained in hand to hand combat, but whenever we fight, it’s like we’re stupid little kids slapping each other on the playground during recess?" Grimstone grunted. He continued searching desperately for some personal item on Sheldrake while also trying to hold the speckled duck down. Shel managed to punch him in the jaw before Grim hooked his arm around Sheldrake's to pin it back above the paladin’s head.

"I just assume,” Sheldrake grunted, arm freed and throttling Grim, "I assume we don't really want to kill each other, so we do all this bullshit ass grabbing--"

The stairwell door abruptly and loudly opened. Both ducks stopped fighting, looking up with eyes comically bugging from their shocked faces.

A paladin recruit in their early twenties stared back at them, blinking. “Um…” he gaped.

Two almost identical dudes, possibly, maybe twins, with one wearing a sexy dress, wrestling on the stairwell. 

“Look,” the recruit grumbled, raising a hand, "I'm not judging whatever fetish is going on here, but please do it somewhere more, uh, private? Some of us need to vape.” With a grumble, he left, shutting the door behind him.

"Well, shit," Sheldrake snorted. Grimstone sighed. The two relaxed and unwound, sitting side by side.

"We need to solve this. Now," Grimstone said firmly. Sheldrake watched as he stood, offering his hand to help the paladin up. "I don’t want to fight you, but I need to save those children."

Shel blinked then finally conceded with a big, exaggerated sigh. "Okay, okay.” He took Grim’s hand. “... Actually... I think I have an idea."

-----

The third floor of the hotel was unsettlingly quiet. There was a low murmur of voices coming from the auction room, barely audible outside the door.

"Grim! Grim!" the blonde duck whispered harshly as she walked up to Sheldrake. The male server uniform Magica wore was baggy when she was out of glamour. She fixed the bun in her hair as she said, "You have to be careful. I overheard a few disturbing things about the auction… I'm worried some of the items could hurt you. Maybe… maybe I should go instead."

"It's fine, it's fine. I know what I'm doing. Besides, I'm the only one who could get his voice right,” Sheldrake--Grimstone--replied. He smirked, a slight leer on his beak. “But how about a kiss for good luck anyway?"

Magica glanced around the hallway; with the coast clear, she leaned in to peck the corner of Grimstone’s beak. "Please, please, please do be careful," she pleaded.

Magica turned to leave, then stopped; turned back around quickly. She took Grimstone’s face in her hands and pulled him into a deep kiss. He could feel her tongue shyly stroke his for a second, hands affectionately squeezing his cheeks, caressing the corners of his beak. 

The light witch broke the kiss when she heard a noise from down the hall. Luckily, they were still alone.

"I'm getting this foreboding feeling off you, Grim,” Magica said dubiously, “you sure you're full up on luck?" She let his face go and stepped back, slipping into the form of a masculine Borzoi waiter. 

The “paladin” restrained an amused grin. "Really, I'm fine,” he reassured. “You do your job, and I'll do mine.” He winked, then entered the ballroom.

Magica took the stairwell at the end of the hall to the lobby downstairs, only to be greeted by Grimstone a second later. She looked up, eyes wide; it was Grimstone’s voice, undeniably, but he was still disguised as Sheldrake.

"Love, there’s been a change in plans," Grim stated.

With a blink and *poof*, Magica changed back to her normal form. "Who... what...? I thought I just spoke to you a second… You were that paladin, but... How?" She squeezed Grimstone’s shoulders, scanning his eyes and face closely.

"I’m disguised as the paladin I told you about, yes. He’s agreed to help us; we need to wait by the fire escape in case he needs emergency back-up should anything go wrong," Grimstone explained.

Slowly, color drained from Magica’s beak.

“What is it?” Grimstone asked, concerned.

"N-Nothing!” Magic squawked. How could she have been so easily deceived-- “I'll explain later. Let's go help your friend." She quickly disguised both herself and Grimstone as canine servers. "We'll just… act like we’re taking a smoke break in the back."

"Good, I was thinking the same.” Grimstone frowned and looked away. “And he's not my friend…” he trailed off.

"But we can trust him to help us, right?" Magica asked in her own voice.

"Eh, we can trust him, but not *trust* him," Grimstone said vaguely, “if you get what I mean.”

Magica rubbed her temples. "We're leaving this mission to a paladin *you don't fully trust*?"

"Oh, I don't know. I seem to remember doing the same thing a long time ago, and that worked out just fine," Grim said with a half smile, squeezing Magica’s shoulder.

"That's different! I was a lightbearer. I--" Magica was interrupted by the opening of a stairwell door above them.

Grim took Magica by the arm. "Let's go take that smoke break," he said quietly, guiding her down the hall.

------

[monstersbyjulia]

Horoscopes for a Trump Presdiency

Hey there, KBOO listeners (and everybody else)! Here is my latest piece, as promised

Aries

When all around you feels dark and empty, breathe deeply from the void. Hold the empty air inside you until your lungs feel so full they might burst, and then breathe out and send that fullness back into the void. In the beginning all was void, a black empty silence so vast it defies comprehension. Our world was born from this and we were born from our world, and everything we have become and built in all its richness and complexity grew from void. Breathe in, breathe out. This is not the end; it is yet another beginning. You were made to grow.

Taurus

A 2014 study indicates that dogs prefer to poop aligned with the Earth’s magnetic field. This has some pretty cool implications: first, that dogs can sense the Earth’s magnetic fields, and second, that scientists spent two years watching dogs poop. Science is great. When people are behaving bizarrely or erratically, it’s possible that their behavior has logic you just don’t know about, and you can leave it at that or dig deeper. Investigation might yield interesting results, but figuratively speaking, you’ll have to spend a lot of time watching dogs poop.

Gemini

Go for a walk. Feel the wind on your face and the ground beneath your feet. Though the trees are barren and the biting cold seems to creep through all your layers no matter how much you bundle up, the cold will only chill your skin, not what lies beneath. Your heart beats hot and red, sending blood throughout your body and keeping you alive. You are the body and your soul dwells within your heart. You banish the cold and bring life to those around you. Surround your outsides with the warm microfleece of human kindness and the tough, water-resistant Gore-Tex of solidarity. Onward into the wind!

Cancer

Some of the most frustrating and useless advice you can give to a shy person is “just be yourself!” The thing is it’s actually pretty good advice, and right now it is what you must do. Be the most yourself you can be. Be yourself so hard it hurts. Be yourself when you’re scared or angry or happy or hungry or filled with so much joy you feel like you might burst. Be yourself when it’s inconvenient and hard. Be yourself, and also protect yourself. You are worth protecting, you are capable of protecting yourself, and you have others you can call on when you need them. You just do you, baby. Survive and thrive.

 Leo

Try to get about eight hours of sleep every night, and half an hour of exercise every day. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and make sure you’re getting enough protein. Avoid processed food and excessive screen time. Drink a lot of water. Brush your teeth twice a day, and floss. Take a multivitamin. Shower or bathe regularly. Journal often. Do yoga. Do laundry before you get down to your last pair of underwear. Don’t let dishes pile up in the sink or dust collect in the corners of your house. Or, y’know, just do what you can. Self-care can be hard, especially when the list goes on and on and you have other life things to attend to. The point of self-care is to make your life easier, not to torture yourself with an overwhelming and endless to do list. Practicing good self-care is incredibly important for you right now, but don’t get so bogged down in the details that you lose sight of the purpose.

Virgo

When you get overwhelmed, imagine that you’re on a rollercoaster. You can’t get off until the ride is over, but you can control whether the ride is one long panic attack or a series of fun thrills. The difference between the two is acceptance. Close your eyes and visualize yourself in a car hurtling along a metal track. See yourself throw your hands in the air and yell “wheeee!” Think to yourself, “this is fun. I am here, on this rollercoaster, having fun.” Look at all the other people strapped in around you, telling themselves the same thing. You aren’t in this alone. “Wheeeeeee!” Up, down, and around you go. Nauseous? Who’s nauseous? Certainly not you. You are having fun. “Wheee!” Say it until it’s true.

Libra

Sometimes you are afraid that you are “too much” and that you love too deeply and intensely. You think that maybe you should try to tone it down, though somehow that doesn’t feel quite right and you aren’t sure how you’d even go about it. Don’t tone it down. Love fiercely and unapologetically. Love like a river during monsoon season that loves its banks so much it consumes them and washes away whole villages. Love like the forest fire that gives pinecones the heat they need to release their seeds. Love like the snowstorm that blankets a city and brings it to a standstill. We need you right now. All of us do.

Scorpio

There are no rules anymore. Or there are rules, but they’re different. At this point it’s hard to even know, and it’s up to us to figure out how to navigate this strange and alarming new world. Wrap your cloak around you, sheath your sword at your side, and stride off into the forest. There’s no way of knowing what wonders or horrors might await you there, but your sword arm is strong, your movement is steady, and your mind is open. If you come to an impasse, loop back and find another way around. If you encounter a shadowy stranger with an odd gleam in their eye, listen with your whole heart but make no promises. If you find a unicorn, you could probably make friends with it.

Saggitarius

Your integrity is your greatest asset. You’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time to be a bit more flexible about living in accordance with your values, not because you want to but because perhaps it is necessary to survive in these times. Don’t do it. You are a compass, and others will look to you when they’re turned around and don’t know which way is north. You are a guiding star, a point of light in a dark sky that we can reach towards. Living with integrity will not be easy in this time of trouble, but if you work hard you will always find a way to maintain your integrity without compromising your safety. It is okay to speak softly and live quietly if that’s what you need to do to stay in tune with your values. It is also okay to stand in the street and shout.

Capricorn

Here’s an important thing to remember: you deserve joy, and sometimes (especially when the world is letting you down), that means you gotta treat yourself. Go on a road trip, take a nap, play hooky from your responsibilities to go spend time with friends, go to a concert, eat a ridiculously large brownie, or punch a Nazi right in the face. Do whatever nourishes your soul and brings your heart delight.  

Aquarius

They tell you the moon stays above the Earth even when you cannot see it. They tell you the stars are outside your body. They tell you the stars are not alive. They tell you the sky will never know your name. They tell you there is such a thing as truth, and they own it. I tell you there are constellations living under your tongue, and every night the sky whispers love poems in your ears, and every morning you and the moon eat French toast and cuddle under the blankets. Arise! You already are your own best self.

Pisces

Make art. It doesn’t matter if it’s shitty. Write, sing, dance, act, play, paint, sculpt, photograph, cook, plant, express. Make art so ugly it’s hard to look at; make art so beautiful it’s hard to look away. Our capitalist overlords want you to be a consumer, but they don’t own you and you don’t owe them anything, so produce instead. Engage in everyday acts of creation, and bring artistry into even the most mundane aspects of your life. Art is salvation. Art is connection. Art is life.