#I was so scared of everything and I had no idea who I was

[woso-dreamzzz]

Tears V

Alexia Putellas x Baby!Reader

Summary: Your birth comes with a lot of complications

TW: *birth complications, premature birth*

It's kind of difficult to do a lot of things with a baby bump.

Alexia hadn't ever thought of it like that before.

Her back aches as she wakes up. Her ankles have swelled. She's craving weird things and waking up in the middle of the night, ready to call her Mami and get her to go to the shop to pick up whatever Alexia feels like she needs.

It had been a difficult choice to make, to put her career on pause to have a baby.

The idea had come out of nowhere, an errant thought that just grew bigger and bigger out of nowhere until it was all Alexia could think about.

A baby.

A little baby.

That's what Alexia focused on now as her eyes flutter open and she rolls over in bed.

For a moment, all is calm and Alexia can listen to the soft chirping of the birds.

In the next moment though, she muffles a scream with her fist.

There's pain in her lower belly and blood all over her sheets.

It's a bit of a blur after that.

There's definitely a call to someone. An ambulance as well but Alexia can barely tell what happened first or even how long it took to get there.

She's in and out, in a lot of pain but completely unaware of what's going on around her.

There's a pressure of a hand in her own as she finally comes to, eyes fluttering open but there's no birds to greet her this time.

Just the steady beeping of a heart monitor and the soft noise of a tv playing.

"Ma-Mami? What...What's going on?"

Eli pushes the hair out of Alexia's face, lips pursed as she pulls her chair closer.

"Ale, sweetheart..."

Alexia looks around, taking in surroundings. She's definitely in a hospital, that much is clear but her head is still fuzzy and not quite fully there.

"Mami, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

There's a panel of glass between you both as Alexia stares.

She's been put in a wheelchair and her doctor insists that she stays there.

It's too soon for her to be walking around and using her stomach muscles to get up.

Too soon after her surgery.

Her uterus ruptured. That's what Alexia was told. That's why she woke up that day with pain and a pool of blood in her bed. Her uterus ruptured and you were in danger.

The words didn't have much of an impact on Alexia. She already felt numb, both physically and mentally.

She'd nearly killed you.

Her uterus ruptured and you didn't have oxygen for who knows how long.

Her uterus ruptured while she was sleeping and you'd had no oxygen for maybe hours on end.

It didn't matter what the doctors told her, that was all Alexia could think of.

You and the lack of oxygen in your small, tiny brain.

You were already a small baby. The doctors present at your scans had talked about it before.

You didn't grow very quickly, on the small end of what you should be.

There had already been cause of concern because of it but now, as Alexia stares through the pane of glass between you both, it's all she can think about.

You're tiny, hooked up to machines and wires and you, somehow, look smaller than all the other premature babies in the NICU.

"I..."

"She's beautiful, Ale," Eli says," So, so beautiful."

"She's sick," Alexia chokes out," Mami, I let her get sick."

"No, Ale," Eli tries to sooth her," No. She's going to be okay. This isn't anything to do with you."

"But it is." The tears are coming now. Alexia hasn't cried since everything happened, hasn't felt anything at all until this moment as she watches you in your incubator.

You don't even have a name yet.

The little identification tag on your incubator just calls you 'The Putellas Baby'.

You don't have a name and you could easily just die in here.

With no name.

"It's all my fault," Alexia says as tears drip down her cheeks onto the clenched fists in her lap," Mami, she's going to die."

There's already a nursery set up for you at home with walls a very soft light purple colour. A little crib with a pastel pink blankie to swaddle you in and a little mobile to sit above you with cute doves that are meant to chirp and sing above your head.

There's a little Barcelona onesie waiting and ready for when Alexia presents you at Barcelona's next home match.

That was meant to be the plan.

A plan that's crashing down as Alexia stares at your struggling form in the incubator in front of her.

"No, no, Ale," Eli says," She's a strong girl, just like her Mami. She's going to be just fine."

It takes ten days after your birth for Alexia to touch you.

Her hands are shaking. Her heart rate is heightened.

"Alright, Mami," The midwife says," We're going to give this little one some kangaroo care. A bit of skin-on-skin should help, alright?"

Alexia's throat bobs uneasily as she swallows. "Yeah, alright."

You seem even tinier in person. You barely weigh anything at all, like a little sheet of paper as you're placed on Alexia's chest.

For a moment, your little face scrunches up in distaste and Alexia freezes.

But you settle a second later and Alexia can feel your soft puff of air against her collarbone.

You're absolutely tiny. Tiny and weak but alive.

Alive and breathing and wholly Alexia's daughter.

Her hand comes up to cup the back of your head, softly stroking the downy hair that's grown there.

"Hola, pequeñita," She whispers as tears threaten to spill from your eyes," I'm your Mami. It's nice to finally meet you."

[starlostseungmin]

stray kids as tropes with plot.

୨୧‎ 𖹭⠀⁺　skz x afab!reader.

GENRE & WARNING/S:　 fluff?? romance, crimes, allusions to sex, kidnapping, yandere!minho, religious themes, kissing, profanity, mentions of weapons, tropes are listed below, and let me know if i missed one (separate fiction from reality).

WORD COUNT: 　1.9k

୨୧‎ 𖹭⠀⁺　most of these are the plots of my fics that will never see the light of day and some are inspired by the things i read. don’t forget to reblog and leave a feedback.

⠀𔘓 chan ー swat officer and mafia boss’s daughter.  　　he was assigned as the head of capturing the infamous mafia boss in the country who does money laundering and kidnapping but the target was so good in hiding. his team heard that there would be someone from the mafia group who would arrive that evening with a large sum of money and trade it for illegal items. after excruciating an ambush, the person of interest got away. you met at a pub one rainy evening after he finished his job, he was frustrated. he was mainly there to join some friends and not drink until you entered the premises in that black dress. chan was keen when it comes to women and you are exactly his type. shared a few drinks by the counter and there was no small talk. you knew him after the ambush a few hours ago and yet he doesn’t have any idea who you were. he slept with you a few timesーeventually fell in love with each other and yet he noticed something strange was going on about you every time he mentioned the events in his job not until he got you spied on in secret by one of his intelligence (it was just between him and the intel) and the news about you being involved in money laundering broke out. he was forced to choose, you or his job. 

⠀𔘓 lee know ー psycho and doctor (yandere).　　the man had you in a chokehold the moment you were assigned to him at the hospital. he was sent for parole to be examined and yet you were held hostage. it was like a gun was pointed at your head to keep your mouth shut on his whereabouts. he lets you keep your job and act like you weren’t hiding him somewhere deep in the city even if the authorities have interrogated you many times. you were scared and yet he made you submissive in your household, a personal therapist at its finest, at least, you think was crazy that led you to keep a gun inside your drawer in your clinic. he becomes possessive and kills the ones who get close to you even if it is someone he shouldn’t be jealous of. to him, they were just like bowling pins that he hits one by one until the last one falls. he kisses you like a starved man as if he didn’t get to taste your lips for years, he worships you in bed like a loyal follower, he loves the sound of his name coming out of your mouth and humiliates you when you’re on your knees to serve him. your professional side vanishes to the thin air when his hands are all over your body. you should be scared and yet there you are, like a dog who obeys their owner in one command and you know you’ll never going to escape anytime soon. 

⠀𔘓 changbin ー ceo and secretary.　　it is a privilege to be hired as the secretary of the infamous heir of the seo family to cater to their family business and it is indeed hard to work for him during the first five years. meetings, orders, business trips, and paperworks here and there, you didn’t have much choice but to oblige. you know the pay is much higher than the rest of the jobs being offered to you and even if you wanted to quit, changbin doesn’t want to let you go. you are known to be so good at your job. so good that you tend to be competitive and would put changbin’s emotions first before everyone else. it’s like serving royalty who has his ass buried in his seat just to put a solution to everything. he is also the reason why you couldn’t get a life outside apart from coming to work, go home, sleep, eat, and repeat routine. unfortunately, he got pressured to seek a wife at a family dinner one evening and was put into deep thought. he talked to you a few days later and offered something you least expected; if you’re still single at the age of thirty, you should marry each other. so how is it going to be? 

⠀𔘓 hyunjin ー bodyguard and politician’s daughter (forbidden love). 　　he’s supposed to be just a bodyguard who would take a bullet for you as you were known as the only daughter of a high-profile politician in the country. hyunjin was only there to make sure you were safe every time even if you were at home. but what if it was becoming something more? how could he when it’s supposed to be a job? a gentleman who would always put you first, he would volunteer to be your plus one at an event you’re exclusively invited to, keeps you close to him, has a keen eye around just in case danger peeks in while drinking his beer on the side when you are busy talking with the other guests, knows you too well and can determine how to handle you even in your most difficult situation. your father can see the way you look at him, a reckless emotion at such. he disapproves of your feelings towards the man he hired to protect you. a contract is sealed as it is and yet your love doesn’t define what was written on a piece of paper. he kissed and made love with you in the car that night as a goodbye knowing your father was going to fire him but you didn’t want him to leave. and so you made a decision; you ran away with him and never to be seen again. 

⠀𔘓 han ー bonnie and clyde (friends to lovers).　　started off as childhood friends who were both neglected by their parents and were sent to the orphanage, you and han strived to live and do things together without the help from others. juggling academics and adult life after being sent away at the age of eighteen, you were tied to each other and promised to never leave. you were both so close that you could even know everything about each other just by the sound and smell. apparently, han became a delinquent as life got harder and you got involved in his crimes. “ride or die,” they say. you couldn’t ask anything more but to be around han and as a promise, you never once say no to him. you ran away with a car he stole from a dumb neighbor and headed somewhere far. growing up, you learned how to fend yourselves in this harsh life and tainted those innocent hands black as the crimes grew with you. han was dependent on you and a genius at work. because of him, you always have a high chance of getting away while you are in charge of deceiving people in just one act. your faces were plastered everywhere with a ransom and yet it wasn’t that easy to be caught. a gun filled with bullets, a stolen car, and a bag full of money in the backseatーthe night doesn’t sleep for you and him while holding hands.  

⠀𔘓 felix ー fallen angel and human.　　was banished from heaven and sent down to earth as punishment for his sins. his wings were hidden and only his true love would ever see them. a lonely angel who was forced to blend with humans and live in an old shabby apartment with a senior college student (you) has been a tough one. you find him weird and innocent as if it’s like a sin to corrupt him yet he thinks he is the other way around. he wasn’t aware that you could see a huge pair of wings on his back, a mixture of black and white with gold clouds of dust floating around it and you never told him. you heard stories about his kind beforeーthey’re known to be reckless, miserable, and evil. tons of stories were shared yet none of it were believed to be true before he existed. unbeknownst to your knowledge, he would notice the way you look at him. those curious eyes as you hold your lips to speak. you didn’t know what caused him to come down here and yet, you wanted to. still, you were too afraid of the aftermath if you confessed. and as those eyes of yours were staring at him for so long until you felt his lips on yours. with the kiss he lets you take a peak to his past the moment you close your eyes. is he really a sinner? 

⠀𔘓 seungmin ー lawyer and prosecutor (rivals to lovers).　　started as rivals ever since in law school and were always in each other’s necks at court. you curse his name every after the trial you were put together. he enjoys getting into your head and messes will all the proclaimed evidence you could use to defame his client but he is too good. too good that you get crazy inside your office thinking about how to defeat him. he always has this cocky attitude and a smirk plastered on his face, ready to destroy you whenever he gets the chance which is always. your eye twitches, your blood boils, and your head hurts after getting cooked by the one and only kim seungmin. it was all fun and games to him until he decided to pay you a visit in your office during overtime and everyone was gone. you despise being around him and yet, there he wasーin front of your deskーslamming a bunch of folders on it making you stand up out of frustration. you curse at him again with that monotone voice filled with threat as you go near him and the man isn’t fazed at all. instead, he lifts you by your waist and lets you sit on your desk, crashing his lips onto yours like the desperate man he always has been ever since you were still students. you kissed him back knowing you felt the same and the hatred was just a coping mechanism for that. 

⠀𔘓 i.n ー demon and reverend’s daughter (sinful love). 　　you’ve always been a good girl who attends the chapel every sunday. a strong believer with a great influence from your father not until you met this unusual man sitting two rows behind who seems to be looking at you occasionally. he always wears a black suit, his charcoal black hair parted to show his forehead, and sometimes he wears specsーtruly a convincing gentleman as he stays neat. you heard he was new in town and no one knows where he is from nor his name. being known as timid and doesn’t talk to strangers, you approached him three sundays later. he was a good man in your eyes, a great facade that covers who he truly was, and he knows how to pretend to be good so you can get closer to him. your father doesn’t like him. he felt like jeongin was taking you away like a sway from everything that was supposed to be good and counterfeiting your beliefs every time he talked as if he knew the good and evil too well. jeongin was full of lies, he whispers to your ear to stop believing shits that the reverend has been feeding your hopes, he kisses your virgin lips with his lustful ones and touches you to show you what heaven feels like. he leaves marks on your body to name you as his and seals your soul with him as no one will ever take you, even your father. 

୨୧‎ 𖹭⠀⁺　───　 @notastraykid , @ameliesaysshoo , @l3visbby , @reignessance , @lix-ables , @skzfelixlove , @rachabreathing , @hyunverse , @minluvly , @sleepyleeji , @starseungs , @midsoulz , @oddracha , @armystay89 , @lashaemorow , @hanjsquokka , @suebin , @starlostastronaut , @stayconnecteed , @myjisung , @arrasuh

©️ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐌𝐈𝐍 , 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒.

[starlightguh]

A Change in Scent

Word Count: 1,489

Summary: Visiting Sylus, he notices a change in my scent. The repercussions of it leave me both happy yet scared.

Tags: Suggestive themes; but no smut, Pregnancy, slight angst.

A/N: I was gonna make this longer but I felt like if I kept writing I would go off the rails. But ever since seeing the trailer for Sylus myth, my head was spinning with HC that we are fr Luke and Kieran’s family. Doubt this is canon but this came to mind so I wrote it down. Please enjoy!

Being in Taurus and falling in love with the dragon who protected it, wasn’t exactly my plan in life.

I had been exiled from my tribe for refusing to marry a man I didn’t love. In order to be accepted back, I had to venture to find a rare protocore to earn my place. I stumbled upon a cave filled with endless treasure, and the dragon who guarded it took one whiff of my scent and claimed me as his own.

I had become his beloved, his wife, and everything in between as soon as he scented me. His fangs would sink into my neck and in some cosmic way; I knew that we belonged to one another.

However, I didn’t understand dragons, every couple months he had me practically bound into the bed as we did nothing but cuddle and make love. He claimed it was his animalistic nature to go into heat, but to me Sylus was human despite his otherworldly appearance. His heart and love were purer than the winter snow. Every word from his lips sang my praises, and at times he would refuse to let me return back to the tribe.

But I managed to escape his protective grasp to maintain some semblance of a human life to see my grandmother. In the meantime Sylus promised to dispel any of my “silly” desires of a human life, and promised he was going to build me a house surrounded by our favorite flowers.

Things remained as a normal courtship between us. It wasn’t till one day he noticed a change in me that I hadn't myself.

I hadn’t seen him in a few days, so I had been excited to spend more time with him. When I returned to his abode deep within the mountains, he immediately buried his nose against the crook against my neck as he breathed in, he pulled away with his red eyes blown wide with surprise.

“What? Is something wrong? I know I’ve been busy with dealing with my Tribe I haven’t had time to bathe-“ I try and make up an excuse as he pulls away with a shake of his head.

“No. No sweetness it isn’t that…” he pants in my ear and then chuckles, “Your scent….It’s different.” He pants out and starts nipping his fangs at my neck.

“Like a good difference or a bad difference ?” I say confused.

“My love,” he laughs full of pride and joy as he pulls away from my neck to press a soft kiss against my lips, “You’re pregnant.”

I freeze, “Excuse me?” Are the only words to leave my lips.

“You’re with my children,” he growls as he bends his face down to continue to kiss on my neck and collar bones.

“I don’t think I’m late on my period? How do you know for sure?” I try and grasp at his silver locks to pull away and explain himself to me.

“Your scent is giving off a pheromone to me that is screaming that you’re pregnant….I cant describe it, but it’s a sickly sweet smell that makes me want to worship you…Carrying my Babies…”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, I don’t feel any different,” she rolls her shoulders back, “I think maybe I’m just ovulating?”

He shakes his head no, “No I can tell….You’re pregnant.” He chuckles darkly, “Bless the gods, the mother of my children…I could only be so lucky.”

“Sylus…” I mentally try to deny his thoughts again and he just shushes me and places a fiery kiss to my lips.

“Mine forever,” his claws rake down my small form, stopping to caress my stomach. “A living part of me to be with you always.”

I let out a shaky breath and stare up at him in fear, “What am I….What are we to do?”

He quirks his head at me, “Is this not good news? A cause for celebration? Do humans not enjoy the idea of bringing life with their beloveds into the world?”

I shake my head, “It usually is, but Sy….Think of the complications. I’m a human. If my tribe finds out I’m carrying a dragons baby….” A shiver of fear went down my spine.

“You’re not to return,” he growls out as a command, “Your life is with me now. Under no circumstances will you even be let out of my sight while carrying my children,” his tail wraps around my middle. He isn’t applying any pressure to my body with it, but the visual is enough to send a message.

“But Sy my family-“

“We’re going to be a family,” his eyes flash an emotion of hurt as he hisses at me, “I will protect you and our babies till the ends of the earth. This family will never cast you out. I don’t want you to return to the tribe ever again. It’s dangerous.”

I shake my head, “They might come looking for me… What would they think of finding me in your treasure nest heavy with a baby…Sylus, we can’t do this…”

It was as if I had struck him, his face sinks and his red eyes glisten with tears as he walks closer and embraces me in his claws, “Beloved…What do I have to do? Do you not want this? Want me?” His deep voice cracks with hurt, his pride now wounded at my lack of joy.

I look up at him, both of our vulnerable expressions mirroring one another’s, my mouth opens and closes as I try and muster the words to say, “I don’t know much about your kind…I don’t know if our child will be a human, a dragon, or something in between….While I don’t know much I do know that we are bound to one another. You are mine. I am yours…”

A silent moment passes between us as he holds me in his arms and his eyes desperately scan my face, “I want this…I want you….But,” I look away, “I need to be sure that the life we have here in Taurus is safe enough for a child. And for me to even deliver one…”

Sylus closes his eyes and nods his head as he hears my words and my concerns, “I will find a way to prove and provide for you two…This isn’t the first instance of a hybrid child. I will find a nest of my people and do whatever it takes to let us have this…”

I take a step back out of his arms, “Until then I think I need to stay in the village…They won’t know for a while that I’m with child and I should build strength there until we can start a life out here…Besides I think if I have to leave my family there forever, I should at least say goodbye…”

He curls his claws around my waist and brings me closer, “Don’t leave me yet…Just….Let me have you for a while.”

Sylus curls his head into the nape of my neck and inhales with such a shaky breath his whole body shudders, “Gods your scent….It’s driving me crazy than usual…”

“Are you in heat?” I run my fingers down his back and caress the spot where his wings sprout out of his body.

“No…It’s not that it’s just…Knowing that you smell like this because of me,” he stands up straighter and runs a claw through my hair, “It makes me want to keep you this way. Hoard you here like my most prized treasure…”

“Sylus,” I whisper as I stare at his lips, “I want you.”

His tail happily swooshes at my words and he bends down to lift me up by my butt as he carries me to head out of his cave and into our spot full of flowers.

He lays me out on the field of green grass and wine colored flowers. The sun shines on my face making me feel warmer than usual with Sylus’ body heat leaning over me.

He undresses me slowly, unwrapping me both physically and mentally with his eyes. As I’m bare before him he leans his head down to my stomach and rests his cheek against my belly and closes his eyes.

A kitten-like purr escapes him and his body vibrates with the soothing joy.

“Twins,” he smiles as he keeps nuzzling his cheek against me.

“Twins?!?” I say more alarmed. “H-How are you-“

“I can hear their hearts…They love you already,” his red eyes flick open and meet mine. The tenderness in Sylus’ voice, this overwhelming news, and the truth my heart feels at his words break me and I feel tears stream down my face.

Sylus lifts himself up and curls his body over mine, to hide me away from the world, to make me weep with joy in his warmth.

“We’ll protect them my beloved…The four of us,” he chuckles, “We’re home now.”

~fin~

[butlervibesonly]

My fav girl! Could you please write something about Austin and reader having twins and being first-time parents?

Love your work, and love u too girl 💕🫶🤗

𝐷𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑦 𝑚𝑖𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑙𝑒 | A. Butler

• Summary : First time parents, and actually Y/n and Austin would never thought that their first time parents would be of two babies!

• Pairing : dad! Austin Butler x mom! reader

• Warnings : fluff, and unless you don't like babies (u should)

• Note : A request for my fav girl @eternal-love !! Thank you for this amazing idea, love ya!!! 🩷

PS. GIF found on Pinterest, credit goes to owner as every pic used on this profile 😭

The bedroom was bathed in soft, sunrise light. You and Austin lay side by side on the bed, your newborn twins, Layla and Leo, nestled between you. Both babies are swaddled in pastel blankets—one pink, one blue, and their tiny faces are a mirror image of Austin. The same strong jawline, the same nose, even the same beautiful blue eyes.

"I still can't believe it," you whisper, your voice filled with awe. Your hand rests gently on Layla’s head, thumb softly brushing over the silky tufts of her blonde hair. “How did we go from just the two of us to… four of us?” you let out a soft laugh, gaze brimming with tears as you look over at Austin.

He chuckles, his own hand cradling Leo. “I don’t know,” he says in his deep but also soft voice. “One moment it was just the two of us, and now…” He trails off, his eyes traveling over the two perfect little faces. "Two babies. At the same time. And they look just like me! I’m not sure if I should be flattered or scared." he jokes.

You laugh softly, nudging his shoulder. “Flattered. Definitely flattered," you look at your babies. "They’re gorgeous thanks to you.”

“And you,” he added firmly, leaning over to kiss you. "I just can’t believe it! Twins, babe. A boy and a girl. How lucky are we?"

Your smile widens. “So lucky. I mean… look at them. Look at their little noses and their tiny fingers.” You reach out to trace Leo's hand, admiring how his fingers curled instinctively around yours. “They’re so small.”

Austin nods, his voice dropping to a whisper. “They’re so perfect, Y/n.” You turn your head to meet his gaze, heart swelling at the love in his eyes. “I’m so glad we’re doing this together, Aus. I can’t imagine a better dad for these two.”

He leans closer, resting his forehead against yours. “And I can’t imagine a better mom.” His eyes flicked back to the twins. “Though I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that they look exactly like me. You might get tired of having me and two mini me's.” Austin teases. You roll your eyes playfully. “Oh, shush. I gave them the eyelashes. And probably the attitude they’ll have in a few years.”

His laugh fills the room. “Fair enough. But I already know we’re going to have our hands full with both of them.”

You two fall into a comfortable silence, the only sounds in the room are the soft breaths of Layla and Leo, and the occasional coo as one of them shifted. For a moment, you looked at Austin, who watched the babies in admiration. He fell in love with them just like you did.

Yours and Austin's heart beat in unison, filled with gratitude, love, and the feeling that this—right here—is everything you ever wanted . As Leo let out a tiny yawn, his sister wiggled closer, and both, you and Austin exchanged a look of pure joy.

“This,” Austin murmured, wrapping an arm around his wife and pulling her close, “is the best thing we’ve ever done.” You rested your head on his shoulder, gazing at your babies. “The best. And all of this is just start, Aus.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaaahhh!! I had so much fun writing this, and thanks to incredible @eternal-love for coming up with this idea!! I had so much fun writing this!! 🥹🍼🧸

[yourfavoritepillowprincess]

downbad!abby who initially stumbled into you in your campus library. It was a rainy wednesday afternoon, the november chill leaving everyone bundled up in sweaters and beanies galore. her biochem professor cancelled class last minute, and what better way to celebrate than enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and a nice book?

you both happened to have stumbled upon the horror aisle, with you naturally finding your way there shortly after abby. she didn’t acknowledge you at first, so busy reading a blurb from some hardcover that she didn’t want to lose focus. it wasn’t until she heard the light jingle of the beads on the bottom of your braids that she thought to look up to investigate the sound. 

she nearly has a fucking heart attack when she sees you for the very first time. the way the dim lights shone on you, emphasizing your wonderfully brown skin. the way that even with your slouchy crochet sweater and baggy jeans, she could still see the light silhouette of your thighs and the side of your fat ass. the way that your fingers were stacked with rings and your perfectly lined eyeliner and your hair. your fucking hair. everything about you was a piece of art, and for a hot second, she was convinced that this was some hyper surreal fever dream. you couldn't possibly be real....right?

she only allowed herself a few seconds to be starstruck before snapping tf out of it and striking up a conversation. as entranced as she was, your campus was unfortunately quite large, and if it took this long into the school year for her to find you, who tf knows when she’ll see you again?

she was a mess, but a charming one, a confident one. and that intrigued you like nothing else. in fact, everything about her intrigued you. her confidence, the fact that she was built like a damn military tank with arms the sizes of cannons, the way her long blonde hair was pulled back into a neat french braid, with a few light strands framing her face in the most beautiful way. she was gorgeous and was talking to you out of all people.

as your eyes raked over her figure, gently smiling to yourself bc you clearly liked what you saw, abby knew that one way or another, tomorrow or 10 years from now, she was going to make you her fucking wife.

this bitch courts you for weeks. good morning texts, endless compliments, study sessions, cute little picnics at the park not too far from the dorms. she’s always one of the first to view your story or like your post, and will leave the cutest comments. you had been going through a relatively rough time lately, but you just seemed so hyper and chirpy that even your friends were wondering wtf was up.

to everyone else yall been together, but lesbians just move at a different pace 😜. your first official “date” ended up being an entire fucking day filled with activities, 100% curated by abby. a trip to a museum you told her you’d been meaning to check out, followed by lunch at this super cute cafe, followed by a pottery class, followed by a picnic/smoke sesh that had you both giggling at absolutely nothing for hours. she has proven again and again that she’s more than willing to go above and beyond for you, and it made your heart swell with so much love that it felt like it was going to burst. so naturally, when she finally popped the question (officially asked you to be her gf), you couldn't say yes fast enough. literally. you didn’t even let her finish her sentence.

and that's exactly how you got here, pinned underneath abby on her bed.

"you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for this. knew from the first day i saw you that i was gonna make you crave this dick. took all my strength not to take you in that damn library bunny". 

she fucked you with a ferocity that under different circumstances would’ve scared you, your knees next to your ears as you watched her fat dick slide out of you repeatedly. it was heavy, filling your cunt to the brim as it struggled to accommodate her length, the light imprint of her hard work showing via a little bump under your belly button.

it took almost 2 hours of foreplay and a lot of lube, but she was eventually able to work all 9 inches into you, and it was making your head fucking spin.

“how do you feel mama? feel full, hmm? am i hitting that spot right?” you would’ve answered her, if your brain and ears were cooperating at the same time. her words oozed through one ear and out of the other, her voice syrupy and so so sweet. the room smelled like nothing but sex, the sound of skin slapping against each other and your desperate cries the only sounds to be heard. outside of the dirty talk, not a peep came from abby, she was so focused on being in your tummy that she borderline forgot how to moan :(

“i-i”. even speaking proved to be a struggle. your nails were digging bloody crescents into her wide shoulders, looking an absolute mess. rivers of salty tears were streaming down your cheeks, snot building as drool leaked from your open mouth. it was embarrassing, honestly. humiliating even. but abby was looking down at you with nothing but pride and adoration in her eyes. to her, you looked just as beautiful as ever, well loved, well fucked. what else can a simple gal like her ask for?

“you-you.” she mocked, slowing her thrusts and allowing you a brief second to collect your thoughts. “what do you wanna say baby? tell abby alllll about it, yeah?” she wiped some of the tears that continued to seep out of your eyes and pushed the few miscellaneous braids that found their way in front of you back behind your head, those damn beads still jingling.

“i think i love you.”

and with that, abby’s face lit up like a kid on christmas day. “yeah? you think you love me?” she wrapped your legs around her waist and slightly hitched you up, returning to her original pace of impaling you on her strap. “well i think i love you” she bumped her nose against yours, bringing your lips into a kiss so deep that it pushed you even further into that blissful subspace.

“now show me how much this pussy loves me, and cum”.

[ambivalence-is-me]

Your Power (3)

Pairing: Azriel x reader

Summary: You made it out of the meeting with Azriel and the Inner Circle. They wanted to work with you, but how was it going to work? It seemed impossible with the crush you seem to be developing on the Shadowsinger.

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: none

A/N: This is 3 months late, I know I know. Forgive me but I haven't forgotten about this story! I'm hoping this month I can get more parts out so don't give up on me pls. Dont forget to comment and let me know what you think! Thank you for the feedback!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Remembrance Day... 

A day meant for remembering all of the lives that were lost to the war. Remember, honor and grieve for them. Five years too late but it was better than to continue like it never happened. 

Right?  

That was better than any idea you had. You just wanted it to be acknowledged, that a major event happened to a whole freaking city and left them, left you traumatized. And trauma needed to be acknowledged and healed, not shoved away.  

It was going to be a big day, major really. The idea is for every citizen of Velaris to attend and pay their respects. The logistics and details?  

‘’Gather people who will be willing to work for this. Create a team, have a meeting and lead them.’’  

Rhysand had said back at that cozy-not-formal-at-all room in the Library. Wait, did they expect you to do everything? It was their idea! They can’t just throw everything at you! Well, they can but... 

‘’We will be right there with you, every step of the way.’’ Feyre said, noticing the look on your face. She smiled ‘’Anything you need, you tell us, and we’ll get it done.’’ 

It made sense for you to be the one to gather the people. They didn’t know them, didn't know your neighbors, your co-workers, the old fae who owned a bakery down the street from you who also lost someone to the war, the people who made the city.. Velaris. But they knew you.  

‘’How am I supposed to convince them?  I’m so...awkward and I talk to much sometimes.’’ You expressed your worry to your sister-in-law the next morning after your encounter with the Inner Circle.  

She gave you a look in return that said ‘’only sometimes?’’ But she knew what you meant, it was a valid worry to have.  

‘’I doubt you would need to convince them, Y/N. We’re all on the same page here, if they see how much this means to you, they will join.’’ She gave you her best reassuring smile, her body language seemingly relaxed. She had no doubt that you were the perfect person for the job. And the Inner Circle knew it too.  

And they were right.  

On your way to work, you made some stops at some shops, talked to the owners and asked them to meet with you in two days' time at the Library. Some had looked skeptical but after telling them what it was about, they instantly agreed. The majority though, had agreed right away. It made you feel all warm and happy inside, to know they respected you enough to take you seriously for this. You only hoped it would continue to go smoothly.  

You opted not to mention that the high lord and high lady would be there. If some of them were anything like you, they would decline out of fear. Or maybe they wouldn't have, and it would have motivated them, who knows but you didn't mention their assistance and hope it didn't come and bite you in the ass.  

You did that for the rest of the day and when the sun started to go down, you closed the shop and made your way home. A sigh of relief leaving your lips that the day was almost over. You needed to seriously organize if you were going to juggle this event plus work plus your family all at the same time. Thinking about how you were going to do that, you failed to notice someone had joined your walk and was walking beside you.  

‘’You should really pay more attention to your surroundings’.  

The scream that left your mouth would’ve put a scared child to shame. You moved your hands frantically as if looking for something to hit or push, preferably the someone who had scared you. But it wasn't just anyone, no.. 

It was a 6’2ft tan, Illyrian warrior whose wings could easily hide someone, with the most beautiful hazel eyes that made you feel all sorts of things... like distress at the moment.  

Your heart was beating so fast you were sure he could hear it. You spoke before you could analyze what had just occurred. 

‘’What the heck is wrong with you?!’’  

He couldn't hide his amusement, a small smile on the corner of his mouth. His shadows flew circles around you as if they were too laughing at you. His response to your outburst was to raise an eyebrow.  

Which quickly made you stop your walking and realize that you had just screamed at the freaking Shadowsinger and Spymaster of the Night Court.  

Great. 

If he thought you had a death wish well, there was no way to prove him wrong.  

You shook your head and managed to get out a ‘’I-I’m sorry. I’m not actually implying there's something wrong with you! You just scared me, you appeared out of freaking nowhere, I didn't even hear you!’’.  

‘’I’m a spy, it's part of my job’’. 

Right yes, that made sense. What didn't make sense is why he was walking you home when you’ve seen him just the day before. Your thoughts went..there. 

Did they regret your alliance (if you could call it that) and now wanted to kill you? Perhaps the High Lord thought you would squeak to everyone how he had apologized and now wanted your head.  

‘’I’m not going to murder you, Y/N’’. If Azriel wouldn't have found the situation amusing, he would actually feel disappointed that you still managed to think they- he was going to hurt you.  

He said your name. Out loud. You couldn't remember him saying it out loud and Mother did you love the way it sounded coming from him. Gods, you felt pathetic.  

You exhaled. ‘’ I know that.’’ Clearing your throat and looking away from his pretty eyes, you asked him, trying to understand what was happening . ‘’What are you doing here?’’.  

He found that he didn't like when you weren't looking at him. He enjoyed observing your expressions and figuring out what you were thinking. Not that there was much to figure out since you were an open book. He slowly resumed the walk, waiting for you to catch up before replying.  

‘’Feyre sent me to check how it went with gathering the troops.’’  

A lie. Nor Feyre or Rhys had sent him but you didn't know that. You didn't need to know that he enjoyed your company, it was refreshing. He enjoyed that you didn't know anything about him except his title, enjoyed that you didn't even try to know his business and every step he took.  It was also great to be away from so many happy couples when he didn’t have that. And you didn’t either.  

Troops. He made it sound like you were going into battle, jeez.  

You were glad you weren't looking at him so he couldn't see the small quirk in your face that revealed you were hurt. It hurt you a little to know that he was only there with you because he was ordered to.  

Well, what other reason did he have? None, to you at least. Besides this ‘’job’’, there was nothing else you could offer him, nothing else that tied you together.  

‘’Right.’’ You cleared your throat once again and resumed walking with him next to you.  

‘’It went well. I think’’ You fidgeted with your fingers. ‘’The majority said they would go to the meeting. Not sure if all of them will help with anything but I’m hopeful they’ll at least attend.’’  

He nodded. ‘’Anyone we should be worried about?’’ 

The thought made you chuckle, and you looked at him. ‘’If you think an old baker with an affinity to touch everything is a threat, then yes. You should be worried.’’ You motioned to his siphons that seemed to glow exceptionally pretty against the light of the sunset. ‘’I would put those away just in case.’’  

The smile you gave him made him feel..things. Things he hadn’t felt since he lost his chance with a certain Archeron sister. Things that made him want to get you to smile like that again.  

‘’Noted.’’  

You nodded and looked away from him to pay attention to the street. Knowing your luck, you would trip over air and fall on your face in front of him. Thankfully that didn’t happen.  

You didn’t have a clue what was supposed to happen next to be frank. The conversation seemed to be over since you told him what he was there for.  

So, why did he continue to walk you home? You didn't know if he knew that was were you were headed but he still accompanied you for the rest of the walk.  

You wondered how it must've looked. A 5’5ft nervous, average looking female walking next to a 6’2ft handsome male with wings on the streets of Velaris. With the sun going down behind them. Did it look as silly as you felt?  

Nonetheless, you decided to stop questioning it because it only made your head hurt and spent the rest of the walk enjoying his quiet company and listening to the buzz of the streets around you. His silence wasn't uncomfortable, which surprised you. You often felt uncomfortable around people you didn't know and especially if they weren’t yapping your ear out like you would often do.  

No, you quite enjoyed the peace his silence provided. It was also different from the silence that often accompanied you in your office, if Sabrina wasn’t conversing with you about anything.  

This was...nice. You hoped he wasn’t feeling awkward.  

He wasn’t. Azriel was also enjoying it. Although secretly, he liked it more when you were talking to him. Which is why, once you’d made it to your house, he noticed the different house materials thrown around and asked.  

‘’Renovating?’’  

You cursed under your breath and sighed. Of course, he noticed the state of your messy house. Like you promised to yourself, you started working on the backyard finally and noticed you were missing stuff so you bought them and instead of placing it where it belongs in the backyard, you had thrown it in front of your front door (quite literally) because you were late to work.  

You had forgotten about it until now.  

‘’Umm, something like that?’’ You rushed to open your front door so you could push the materials inside. Something you should've done that morning in the first place.  

‘’I’m actually making this..thing. Like a patio? On my backyard. These are just some things I left here by accident.’’ You said while pushing some of it inside with your foot.  

Noticing how heavy a particular item was, Azriel picked it up and asked: ‘’Where to?’’.  

You only looked at him, flabbergasted, all words seem to fly over your head. ‘’Um--’’ 

He smiled internally, feeling glad he was able to make you feel whatever it was you felt. He raised an eyebrow, an amusing look in his eyes appearing once again.  

Right. ‘’Just-you can put it here in the living room, its fine.’’ You motioned inside and stepped away so he could walk in. Praying to the Mother that the inside of your house was decent. You couldn't remember if you had put away the clean clothes.. 

But he knew that’s not where the item was supposed to go so he suggested ‘’I can put it outside if it’s gonna be easier for you’’.  

And indeed, it would be easier for you but that would also entail having him walk all the way to your backyard which was an even bigger mess. Plus, it would mean a couple more minutes with him. Did you want that? 

Obviously. But you tried not to show it.  

‘’Um- sure. Yeah, thanks that would be great.’’  

And you would never forget the scene of him trying to walk through your house with his wings, not wanting to collide with anything.  

Trying to contain your amusement, you quickly stepped up and showed him the way to your backyard. Thankful he couldnt see your face.  

‘’Here it's fine.’’ 

You said once you made it outside to your yard. Motioning to the other supplies on the floor.  

He nodded and placed it next to them. He took a look around your backyard and gave you a single nod. ‘’Looks like a big project.’’  

‘’It is.’’ You nodded and also looked around. Your brother’s face and enthusiasm to be a part of it popped in your brain, dampening your mood for a second. 

Azriel saw it and he wanted to ask, really wanted to ask about the reason of your expression but held back. He didn't know you and you didn't know him. And he clearly made you nervous, so he wasn’t going to push it.  

At this point, you didn't know what else to do or say so you looked at him and said ‘’Well, thank you. Um- you can tell the High Lady that everyone will be there.’’ 

Accepting this as a goodbye, for now, he nodded and said ‘’Goodnight’’.  

And that was all you got before he disappeared. Literally.  

Eyebrows raised, widened eyes, you spinned and looked everywhere for him. He just...disappeared?  

Well, then.  

At least you made it. You actually managed a normal conversation with Azriel. Right? That was considered normal.  

If this interaction was a preview of what was to come, you needed to be prepared of anything and everything. Including your surroundings, clearly.  

[tripleglitchwriting]

Kinesthesis 3

Jazz/Prowl/HumanReader first contact AU

Part 2

I am so sorry this took so long 😭 but I finally got something out! This was written over the course of multiple months so if it’s inconsistent that’s why. Over my impromptu hiatus I’ve grown as a writer and as a person so that will probably change the way this story goes, but not to worry! I still plan on carrying on with this fic.

Be aware that I may not remember things about that last two chapters before this because it’s been a while. If you find any mistakes, let me know!

Also, thank you to the anons that encouraged me to keep going! This one goes out to you.

So, now you have quite a few problems. Not only were the ‘robots’ alive, they were also obviously damaged and asking for your help. Your help. Of all people. You still didn’t know where they came from, if someone was piloting them, how they got here, what that blue liquid was, or why one of them only made weird metallic scratching sounds. That one in particular really freaked you out when it first started ‘speaking’. At the time, you immediately assumed there was a metal demon somewhere coming to eat you.

Instead of that, they were just giant robots asking for your help in the middle of asscrack nowhere. Very simple. Foolproof, even. Nothing wrong there.

“I’m… going to get to work.” You told the one apparently named ‘Prowl’. He didn’t make any sputtering noises at you this time, so you took that as your go-ahead.

He was huge. Well, you knew that, but it was still jarring. You had to literally climb him to get to his wounds. Delicately placing your rag to the injured spot on his neck, you could feel the pump of something akin to a heart under the metal. Now that was weird. Wait, maybe it was just a fuel pump of somesort. He couldn’t… it couldn't have an actual heartbeat, right? Robots don’t have heartbeats.

That isn’t possible.

After a bit of cleaning up blue liquid and trying not to cut yourself on shards of metal, a realization dawned on you. These guys were more complicated than you thought. Really, a robot shouldn’t have this much… everything. They shouldn’t have half of whatever parts are in them. What kind of coding was driving them anyway? What fuel did they even use? The blue stuff?

Oh, who are you kidding. They aren’t robots. They can’t be. They can’t just be robots. They fell from the sky, of course they can’t be robots! Your heart picked up its already erratic pace, yet even with shaky hands, your work took priority.

Soon after there wasn’t a hole in Prowl anymore. Not one on his neck, anyway. You counted that as a win. But seeing as there were way more lacerations, dents, and cuts all over both of them, you definitely had the rest of your work cut out for you.

Simple. Foolproof, even. Nothing wrong there.

—---------------------

Jazz, with his sight still mostly busted, anxiously awaited some sort of indicator that the person helping them was actually patching up Prowl. They seemed pretty stunned earlier. Scared. He had assumed they’d run away and get help. That would be a more reasonable reaction, right?

Obviously it was probably better that they didn’t, this was a completely new planet after all. They’d be scrap if it weren’t for this random person helping them out. This person that is native to this new planet. With… no knowledge of Cybertronian biology- oh scrap. This person had no idea what they were doing!

“W – it! Wa– a - i!” Staticy, barely understandable garble came out of his vocalizer. He heard a tiny peep out of the little guy and a kind of ‘hrmph’ from Prowl.

“What? What is it? Did I do something wrong?” They squeaked in a comically high-pitch tone. “I- I’m sorry, I- know mechanics but this is kind of different and I don’t want to hurt anybody I just-”

“Y- yo- u kno- me- c– nics?”

“Um, yeah, it’s what I do. For school.”

“S- – -ry f’r t--e frig–t, I’m j-st co– m– in’ to–my–sen s- s- ses, an’ rel-i’ed wher– we ar’... an’ I don’ kn- kn- kn- – -w… ca—n– ya- re- – -y fi- x us?”

“O- oh, n- now yo- -y questi- on it?” Prowl commented from the sidelines. Jazz deliberately ignored him.

“I mean, I can, I just need some time to figure everything out… i- it doesn’t hurt, does it?”

“W- Wha-t’s’t sayi- in- ing?”

“A- askin’ i- if it- it- it- hu- – -ts.”

“O- of co- rs’ it h-urts!”

“Wait, what’s he saying?”

Jazz cringed for a moment, realizing just how taxing it’s going to be on him to keep translating. Of course, he decided to use it to his advantage. Why not have some fun in the face of certain death?

“H- he s’ys h’s t—ckl’sh.”

“Oh, um, okay. Does that mean you guys can’t feel pain? Like, can I go harder with this? I have some power tools I can use back in—” Okay. Bad plan.

“N- N- N-O we C- – -N Fe’L It!”

“Oh, um, can or can’t?”

“C- C- C- C- CAAIIIEEEZZZZzzzt!” His vocalizer gave off a pointedly unpleasant sound just before shorting out.

“Is that… should I know what that means?” Jazz took a second to reset his vocalizer.

“N- n- n- o… b- b’t w– fe’l pa’n… i–t h- – -rts…”

“Can feel pain, got it. Um, is your voice okay? I can try fixing it… if that’s a thing I can fix…?” As much as he appreciated the gesture, Jazz wasn’t ready for that kind of operation.

“N- n - o thn’ks.”

“Alright… I’m gonna keep going here then.”

It was then, nearly offline, cut off from most forms of communication, on a completely alien planet, that Jazz realized this might be a little bit too much to handle.

“Y- y- you—re an ‘di—ot.”

“M- ay’e… bu— ‘least I c’n t- t- ta-k to ou- fr’nd ‘ere.”

“It’s Wh—lja’k, o- of c-cou’se I d- di—-nnooowoowOWW!” Jazz heard a loud crash followed by a tiny scream.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry, what did I do? I- I didn’t know, oh my god…”

“Wh—t? —at ‘appe— d?!”

“I- I’m sorry, I think I hit something, I’m so sorry!”

“Pr—ler? P—owl!?”

He got a groan in response. A groan and a new, distinct, clear sound.

“—bbzzzt —- bzzzt ——tobots! This is Optim— —ime. If yo- can hear thi-, heed my call. The Arc is inoperable. Most of you are scattered across an alien world. While I do not know where the Decepticons have landed, I can confirm they are on the planet with us. Do not lose hope here, my friends. For the fate of Cybertron and the remaining Autobots rests in your capable servos. Attached to this message are the coordinates to the Arc, I will be waiting for you there. Good luck—- bzzzt —— bzzzt—-!”

The three sat in silence. While he couldn’t see the hologram that was most likely coming from Prowl’s projector, he heard what the message contained. They were safe. Optimus was safe. And he once again had a goal to achieve.

“Wh- what the hell was that!?”

“Th’nk Pri—us…” Prowl whispered.

“It -as… a- a- f- fri—nd.”

“Oh, okay. What did your friend say?”

“Th— w- we ha— so—me-here t- be.” Jazz attempted to move his body, but was once again denied. “W- we n- n- ne—d to g—-!”

“Hey, woah woah woah! You are not well enough to get up yet! I haven’t even started patching you up!”

“Aau—augh! I- I- kn— Ratc— uh, I- I- I kno—“

“Settle down. I- I’ll be as fast as I can, alright?”

Jazz huffed in halfhearted agreement. Prowl, on the other hand…

—---------------------

He thought this was an incredible waste of their time. Oh, sure, he needed to be fixed, but he was doing just fine now and he did not need help from a mysterious stranger he couldn’t understand. How could he, Prowl of Petrex, need the help of a tiny little creature like this one? There was no such need. The only need he had was to get himself and Jazz functional again, report back to Optimus, and win the war.

He tried to get up. After about half a second of metal creaking, unconscious groaning, and a little squeak from his benefactor, his body gave out. His spark burned with a searing mixture of frustration and stress as he tried to clench a servo. But of course he couldn’t. Of course he was stuck. Injured, vulnerable, and useless. But still, Optimus needed him. Needed them. So he needed to get up!

“C- cal- m d- do— n Pr—‘er… ye’ sca- a- rin’ ‘em…” He could hear panicked chittering from somewhere on top of him. He had half a mind to shoo the thing away, but even if he could raise his servo, he knew this was his only hope. He would never admit that, obviously, but deep in his spark he knew.

He didn’t respond to Jazz. He didn’t need to. He just focused on the little twinge of pain somewhere atop his chassis and a wound being sealed. A familiar feeling. Not too familiar, not like this, but enough to be comforting.

He imagined the medbay in the Arc. That time when they defeated the enemy and no one had to die. They won, and everyone cheered and celebrated and did whatever people do to express joy during a war.

He was unconscious for cycles. Just because nobody died doesn’t mean nobody was hurt. And he was really, really hurt. But it didn’t matter, not even to him. Moments like that are rare, after all. When one could rejoice without mourning the loss of a friend. He’d only expected Ratchet or First Aid to stay with him during that time. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate the spoils of victory? No one is willing to give up a moment of solace like that. No one is stupid enough to pass up the opportunity for happiness. Except Jazz.

Jazz stayed with him the whole time. He stayed by his bedside, refusing to leave once the required surgery was over. He brought glasses of energon for both of them. To share.

Prowl didn’t wake up then. He missed the party and the congratulations and the relief. He missed Jazz telling him stories and about his day. He missed when the rest of the crew stopped by to check on him. When he did finally come out of stasis, Jazz wasn’t there. Not of his own volition, but because he passed out on the floor due to exhaustion. They both got a long lecture about taking care of themself from Ratchet when it was over.

And Jazz is there, now, still with him. Bleeding out and broken, but still there. And Prowl was powerless to help him. His HUD sang one final message in his head before it went suddenly silent, and he fell helplessly into the deep abyss of stasis.

[9amartt]

A thing i’ve noticed lately is how common “depression” has become, to the point that it became a topic seriously discussed in masaajid and schools, and visiting therapists became extremely common too -all of this is good to an extent-. What is concerning is how the generation before us was completely against the idea of anything called “mental illness” or “mental health” in general, causing this generation now to be extremely thirsty for these terms and therefore use them for everything.

Anyone who has been raised in a secular (especially western) system knows very well how much this mindset has been fed to us and to our children, the way they managed to make us like glass, -weak and easily scattered- and the way they made every single form of self improvement “low self esteem” or “toxic” to the point where everyone uses their life obstacles as excuses to not do their best in their affairs.

We do not disregard the effects of bad mental health at all, especially as muslims we believe in physical mental and soul ailments, however for this to be used as an excuse to abandon action… that is where we draw the line.

Never tie your action to your mood, act according to your goal, is your goal jannah? Strive for it when depressed and when scared and when sick and when happy and when grieving… always.

You are not here to be depressed, leave depression for those who do not know their lord. Those are rightfully depressed, you are not.

You have a lord you can speak to in the night.. but who will sacrifice his sleep to talk with Allah!!? This is the issue..

Allah is our lord and they have no lord.

You have Allah with you, we all have problems, from the beginning of the call to islam to now no one was free from grief, not even the dearest person to Allah- muhammad ﷺ- He tested every type of pain to be an example for us.

He tasted loss of parents,

And not just that but he knew they died upon other than islam.

He tasted loss of children.

He lost his beloved wife.

He lost his uncle and had to forgive his killer.

He was dragged and hit and mocked belittled and belied.

He was forsaken by his people.

He was betrayed.

He was lied to.

His honour -that of Aisha- was slandered and still is to this day.

His illnesses were not like those we experience, but much more severe.

…..

All of this and he is the dearest to Allah!

Read the lives of the sahaba and the righteous, you will notice a clear pattern, the closer one is to Allah and the dearer he is to Him, the more tested. And many will say “oh I am not being tested at all my life is easy” aren’t you struggling with your mental health? Isn’t that a test?

Aren’t all these blessings a test too?

Isn’t your comfort a test as well?

Worship is not easy, that is why the one who struggles in worship gets rewarded more than those who don’t, so stand up, leave your misery there where you were sat, read a few pages of the quran for Baraka, and go ahead with that which you have been procrastinating.

And do not expect it to be easy, many of the salaf would say: “ I forced myself to do worship for TWENTY years! After twenty years it became easy”

So do not expect quick results, expect to fall and slip, this is what we all do, what matters is that you stand up after you fall.

And abandon that cursed social media which has become a drug we all consume, if you really need to keep posting or really need to stay active, then do so in a browser and not the app, it usually is less practical and less addicting there.

May Allah guide you and us and safeguard you and us from the plots of the evils of mankind and jinn.

[dreamwatch]

Part 1 Part 3 AO3

Written for the @corrodedcoffinfest Black Friday pop-up event.

Prompts: Black, Friday, "I'm not standing in line for that", Leftovers, Trampled, One Day Only, "I am giving thanks."

Yeah... all of them, and you're right, it was a stupid idea.

Word Count: Pt2 - 3670 | Rating: M | CW: Past suicidal ideation (very subtle, blink and you'll miss, I'm just being cautious) | POV: Mixed - Pt1 Eddie, Pt2 Steve, Pt3 Eddie | Pairing: Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson | Tags: Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington, Gareth CC, Jeff CC, Matt CC, Wayne Munson, disabled Eddie Munson, pining, protective Gareth, protective Steve, kissing, guitars, reference to canon typical injuries, references to blood and injury- please let me know if you think I've missed any.

I'm posting in 3 parts, because this is nearly 12k in total, which is a lot. Mods - hope that's ok! I'll link them all together. :)

Part 2

Steve’s learned a lot about himself this past year.

He’s a good friend, for one, an excellent wing man, even if Robin continues to do her best to get in her own way. 

He’s painfully patient with Dustin and the rest of the little assholes that have literally haunted his every waking moment for the last three years. He loves them, and they know it and they abuse that love on a near daily basis. Sadly, he wouldn’t change them for the world.

He doesn’t love Nancy anymore. He doesn’t want to think on that too much.

He’s done with dating. He’s done with the peacocking that comes with it, the effort of it when the person you’re with is just… okay. Nice enough. Inoffensive. He’s at that point in his life where he just needs something real, someone real, someone full of life, who makes him laugh, who wants to share everything with him. He’s done with quick fucks, the empty feeling of grabbing your clothes and sneaking out of bedrooms, of trying to get your pants on in the back of the bimmer. He wants love, and he’s not afraid to go after it now.

Oh, yeah, and he likes guys.

That’s probably not that much of a revelation, to him at least, Robin had been more intense about it.

“Now you tell me? Not when I was covered in piss and puke on the floor of a public bathroom, Steve, when I was sharing my deepest secrets with you, you tell me now, months later, you’ve had literally months, and it’s at this point in time, randomly while I am trying to re-shelve a weekend’s worth of returns, that you choose to drop this bombshell, this life changing moment, that you’ve been carrying around with you for, how long?”

“A few months.”

“A few months. A few months, he says like it’s no big deal. What is wrong with you?”

What was wrong with him was Eddie Munson. He’s still kind of getting his head around it all to be honest.

The guy thing was there for years, a low level thrum of attraction, of slightly too long looks, of grab-assing and horseplay in locker rooms and showers. Easy to pass off as nothing because they were all doing it, to one degree or another. Some, like Tommy Hagan, were less than subtle about it. 

But the Eddie thing hit him like a bolt of lightning. Never saw it coming. One minute he’s a suspected murderer holding a broken bottle against Steve’s throat and the next Steve’s holding his hand while he’s cuffed to a hospital bed scared out of his mind. 

There’s something to be said for seeing someone at their worst, there’s a pride from watching them climb back and knowing you had a part in that, being able to pat yourself on the back for it. But this isn’t the shared trauma that Robin talks of. This is pretty brown eyes and long lashes, this is dimples you want to sink your fingers into. This is hair you want to touch and hands you want to hold, and lips you want to kiss. 

He’s spent so much time with Eddie over the last seven or eight months, and it’s snowballed; as the months roll on, the number of days they spend together has increased. At first it was to be helpful, for as much as the pair of them loved each other there was no way Eddie would feel comfortable with Dustin taking him to and from the bathroom to take a piss, or to hold his hair back when he puked, or to help him get dressed, or a multitude of other easy things that just became hard for him over night. 

Steve could do those things for him. He wanted to do those things for him.

Eddie has other friends, sure, but Steve was there. He still has nights where all he can see imprinted on the back of his eyelids is Eddie’s corpse, can smell the penny scent of blood. His fingers twitch when he remembers how Eddie’s skin felt slippery, the sudden release of his chest as a rib breaks. 

Those are things Eddie’s friends can’t know, and Steve is happy for them. He truly wishes he didn’t know, either.

They know things Steve doesn’t, however, and he needs their help.

Say what you want about Steve, but when he wants something he goes all out.

So dinner didn’t go well, but there’s not much he can do about that now. But just being there and seeing Eddie’s obvious pleasure at the effort at least did something to lift his spirits. And they had a nice evening, watching TV and talking late into the night until Eddie started to fall asleep on the couch and Steve took that as his cue to say goodnight, as much as he wanted to stay.

He nearly fucked up when he asked if Eddie wanted to hang with him and Robin for the day. He was like, ninety seven per cent sure Eddie would say no, the guy barely leaves the house these days, but just for a second he looked as if he was going to say yes. And that would have put a real crimp on Steve’s plans, because they had nothing to do with ferrying Robin around on a joy ride, and everything to do with Eddie.

He wakes early the day after Thanksgiving, despite the late night, which is not unusual for him; he still runs most days, he enjoys the feel of it, running through choice rather than because he’s trying to stay alive. It’s a decision he gets to make for himself, something he can own, and there hasn’t been an awful lot of that over the last few years.

But today he has a mission, and it starts with Dustin.

When he rolls up to the Henderson house it’s barely eight A.M., and there’s a good chance Dustin will still be in bed. So he does what the little shit heads would do. He bangs on Dustin’s bedroom window.

He peers through just in time to see a bundle of blankets tumble to the floor, Dustin smack in the middle of them. Dustin squints back at him before opening the window.

“Jesus Christ, Steve, what the fuck?”

“Your language is shocking, you know that? Is that Eddie? I need to keep you two apart, seriously.”

“I think my language it perfectly reasonable given it’s a holiday and it’s—“ he glances at his watch, “eight! Jesus—“

“—Christ, yeah, yeah I got it. I need help. Where does Gareth live?”

Dustin frowns at him, bleary eyed.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Uh, how about none of your business?” 

“Uh, okay, how about I’m going back to bed now?”

Dustin moves to close the window, Steve reaching to stop him.

“Alright, alright. Jesus,” and for a second Steve thinks he might know where that language is actually coming from. “I’m running an errand for Eddie.”

“What kind of errand?”

This fucking kid.

“The private kind.”

“Why didn’t Eddie give you his address then?”

So, Steve’s tenacious, but maybe he doesn’t always think things through completely.

“Look, I’m trying to do something nice for Eddie, okay? The surprise type of nice, and no offence, but you’re just not that great at keeping your mouth shut.”

Dustin nearly chokes on his indignation. Steve just raises an eyebrow in challenge. The kid hasn’t got a leg to stand on, and he knows it.

“Fine!” Dustin huffs, then wanders into his room to find a pen and some paper. He’s back a second later, thrusting the yellow note paper at Steve.

“Thank you. Now was that so hard?”

Dustin flips him the bird in response.

“Okay, go back to bed you little shit. Call you tomorrow.”

“Make sure you do.”

And with that the window slams shut and Steve can’t help the fond smile as the curtains close.

As it turns out, Gareth doesn’t live all that far from the Hendersons. There’s something off about turning up outside someone’s house that early in the morning when you don’t really know them, and he can’t imagine Gareth is going to appreciate a knock on the door from him at anytime of the day honestly, so he sits in his car a few spots further up the street. He should have got a coffee and a donut, go the full Chief Hopper route.

Steve waits patiently for a little action inside the house, trying to gauge if people are up, had their breakfast, that kind of thing, when there’s a rumble from the opposite end of the street. He checks his rear view mirror and watches as a blue AMC Pacer struggles to climb the hill. He knows that car from the the Hawkins High parking lot, though it usually has music blaring from it. This morning it seems to be respectfully peaceful. He doesn’t get a chance to ponder it much further. It parks up outside Gareth’s place and Jeff climbs out, Matt pouring out behind him. 

Steve waits patiently for them to go in the house, door opened by a bleary eyed Gareth with a nest for hair and blue check boxers fully on display. It takes twenty minutes for them to leave, this time everyone looking a little more awake. He pulls his keys from the ignition and opens the door.

“Hey.”

The three of them turn to face him all at once, glaring at him once they recognise him.

“Can we help you?” asks Gareth with a sneer. 

Steve’s well aware these guys don’t like him, though he has no fucking clue why other than ‘you jock, me nerd’ which is total bullshit. He’s had a lot to work through this last few years, and part of that has been to stop apologising for who he was. Because firstly, he wasn’t that bad. A low key douche, but he wasn’t mean with it (Jonathan Byers being the exception, and he has apologised profusely). So you know, fuck these guys, honestly. 

However, he also kind of needs them today.

“Uh, Henderson mentioned you were headed into Indy today? Shopping?”

“What’s it to you?” asks Matt.

“I need a favour. I have a— cousin? My cousin, yeah, so he’s staying with me at the moment and the guy’s had a tough year and I want to like, get him something nice, but I have no idea what.”

Jeff shakes his head. “We’re not personal shoppers, dude, how the fuck—”

“He’s one of you. He’s like a—” Steve gestures broadly at them, “Like, a metalhead, you know. And he plays guitar.”

“Oh my God,” laughs Matt, “There’s a cool Harrington? This is I have to see.”

And he and Jeff yuck it up, but Gareth isn’t. Gareth is looking at him, really looking and Steve thinks this was a fucking mistake. He feels a little naked out on this street, his insides on the outsides for this one person to scrutinise. 

“Yeah, okay,” says Gareth, eventually. “So what do you want from us?”

He pulls a crumpled up page from the back pocket of his jeans. “This guitar store is having a sale, one day only. Store opens at ten, but like, I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Matt grabs the paper from him. “Holy shit, you want to buy him a guitar? Can I be your cousin?”

“He— uh, lost his. And like, it was a big deal to him, you know? I can’t stretch to much, but I thought, maybe with the sale…” He shrugs.

While Jeff and Matt look at the ad, Gareth doesn’t take his eyes off him.

“Why didn’t you ask Eddie?”

It makes the other two pause and makes a little piece of Steve’s stomach drop.

“I was going to but, uh, he mentioned he was staying home. And you know, you guys know just as much about this shit as he does.”

He’s not above a bit of flattery to get what he wants.

“I need new strings, actually,” says Matt, staring at the crumpled paper.

“Shit, theres like fifty per cent off some of this stuff,” Jeff says, snatching the ad. “Time to get a new pedal.”

Gareth continues to try and bore holes through him with his eyes, so he decides to up the ante, offers to drive so they don’t all have to pile into Matt’s piece of shit Pacer, and he’ll buy them lunch, and sure, he’ll take them wherever they want to go in the city, and he’s starting to regret this, until Gareth says the magic word:

“Sure.”

It’s laced with suspicion and confusion, but fuck it, Steve will take it. He only needs them for a few hours.

The drive is uneventful. Jeff and Matt share college stories, telling Gareth about the parties they’re going to, the clubs they’ve joined, and in Matt’s case the pussy he’s getting. Steve nearly chokes on a Twizzler.

“Dude? ‘Pussy’? Really?”

“What? Since when have you been so puritanical? I can’t help it if the ladies flock to me.”

 He’s desperately trying to not upset this particular apple cart, but Jesus they don’t make it easy.

Matt reaches through the back seats, looking to change radio stations, until Gareth slaps his hand and tells him to sit the fuck down.

“What about you, Harrington?” asks Matt.

Steve shoots him a look in the rearview mirror. “What about me?”

“Got any college plans?”

They have to know he doesn’t, and his skin itches with annoyance. He’s trying to be really nice for lot’s of reasons; right now because he needs them, but also their Eddie’s friends, Dustin and Mike and Lucas’s friends as well come to think of it. Jeff and Matt might not be around, but Gareth very much is. They weren’t around much to begin with, and Steve didn’t ask about that, not really his place and he kind of had bigger problems at the time, what with two friends in the hospital, El in hiding from the army and half the town crumbled to ash. But things seem to be better between them all now; Eddie has letters from them in a sweet little box he made on his desk, and a pennant from Loyola on his wall. Gareth comes over a couple of times a week to hang out with him. So it’s all on the up. But they still piss Steve off, and he’s entitled to that.

“Nope, just living the dream at Family Video.”

It’s a conversation killer, and he’s just pissed off enough not to care. Instead he cranks up the radio, Peter Cetera crooning The Glory of Love blasts from the speakers, though not loud enough to cover the groaning and Matt pretending to be sick.

They make it to Indy just before ten A.M. The store is much bigger than he expected. It also has a queue snaking down the block.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Gareth smirks at him. “It’s a black Friday sale, man. Fifty percent off this stuff is no joke. You thought you could just wander in like it’s a fricking Kroger? Jesus.”

“I want my pedal,” says Jeff as he wanders to the back of the queue.

Matt shakes his head. “Well, I’m not waiting in line for that.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and makes to cross the street. “I’m going to Tower. I’ll meet you back at the King-mobile in an hour. Enjoy getting trampled!”

“King-mobile?” Steve mutters under his breath. “Asshole can walk home.”

He spends an awkward thirty minutes in line, listening to Jeff and Gareth arguing about music and games and a load of other shit Steve doesn’t know anything about, before Jeff tries to include him in the conversation, seemingly to Gareth’s annoyance. Eventually they’re in, and goddamn there are a lot of guitars; floor to ceiling, brand after brand, every colour and finish you can imagine. It’s oddly exciting, despite the fact he can’t play and has no idea what any of this stuff is. He gets a flash of the odd price ticket and his heart sinks. He’s not short of money, sure, but some of these would make an impressive hole in his savings account.

Jeff and Gareth desert him almost immediately, off playing with the toys, so Steve wanders through the store on his own, knocking shoulders occasionally with actual musicians trying out guitars. There’s a hum of activity, snippets of solos and songs he mostly doesn’t recognise filling the space around them. He’s out of his depth, but all the assistants are busy, and he hasn’t got a clue what he’s asking for anyway. So he does laps around the store looking at each guitar trying to size it up.

He stops when he gets to a rainbow wall of B.C. Rich guitars. He knows which one is Eddie’s, a red and black Warlock that was lost to the netherworld when Eddie’s trailer fell into the the void. They don’t have the same one, and his heart sinks a little until he spots a glossy black version He reaches out tentatively.

“Not that one.”

Steve spins, and comes face to face with Gareth. 

“What?”

Gareth looks conflicted, looks around as if he thinks he’s going to be overheard. The hustle and bustle of shoppers continues, the solos and music continue to cycle from song to song. 

“Not the Warlock.”

Steve finds himself mirroring Gareth, eyes fluttering around the store, falling on Jeff as he tries out a pedal.

“I don’t—”

“I don’t know what he went through back in March, but I know it was bad enough for him to sell his guitar. So—”

“Wait,” Steve starts, raising his hand. “He sold it? I thought he lost it in the earthquake?”

Gareth shakes his head. “I was with him, dude. He was so desperate to offload it he let it go for a hundred bucks. So if you’re looking to get him a new one, which I think is a bad idea by the way, then maybe don’t replace the one he just got rid of with the exact same model. I’m guessing there was a reason he didn’t want it anymore.”

“Why are we talking about Eddie? I told you, this is for my—”

“—you’re cousin, right. Well, my advice is don’t buy your cousin a Warlock. He won’t thank you for it.”

And with that he slinks off into the store, joining up with Jeff as he tests out a pedal, leaving Steve standing in front of a wall of guitars with no fucking clue what he’s doing, and feeling horribly seen in a way he doesn’t have the fortitude to unravel in the middle of a guitar store in Indianapolis. 

He goes back to the car, radio playing Duran Duran while he can enjoy it before the three ungrateful shit heads pile in and abuse his good will by mocking literally everything about him. Eddie getting rid of the guitar makes no sense to him, but the more he thinks the more it dawns on him that he’s never heard Eddie play. Like, not ever. Even without the BC Rich there are two other guitars in his room, and Steve has spent a lot of time with Eddie over the last few months, and he’s never touched them once that he knows of. It doesn’t make any sense.

Except… his left hand shakes. A lot. And he rarely uses a knife, just uses a fork in his right hand, which Steve only notices because he notices everything about Eddie. Or he thought he had. He missed the biggest part of him. Eddie lost his music and Steve didn’t even notice. 

Jeff and Gareth are back at the car on time, Matt only twenty minutes late, a record according to Jeff. True to his word Steve takes them to lunch, a diner called Sandy’s they all seem overly excited about. They’re talking among themselves and he finds himself content to listen as they talk about things they got up to with Eddie. Hearing about his escapades from before, back when Eddie was still just the school freak and high school super super senior, makes his chest ache. He wants to know that Eddie, wishes he’d had a chance to meet him and hang out before all the Upside Down crap stole their youth from them. But it hits him all at once that he could have had that, if his head hadn’t been stuck so far up Tommy Hagan’s ass. 

He bites into his hot dog and keeps it to himself.

It’s late afternoon when they get back to Hawkins, and he drops everyone back at Gareth’s where they started this monumental waste of a day. Jeff and Matt thank him as they get out of the car, but Gareth hesitates before putting his hand on the door handle. 

“Blue,” Gareth says, like he doesn’t want to, like Steve grabbed him by the throat and threatened him for it. “He likes blue. He doesn’t tell anyone, says it’s not metal.”

“Uh, okay…” 

“And he gets the chilli dog, with extra onions at Sandy’s. With the cheese fries. And a large peanut butter malt. That’s his order.”

And like, what the fuck? Steve’s head spins with it, with the fact that Gareth knows something, he has seen something in Steve, and just how far does that go? How transparent is he that this kid who he barely knows has managed to just lift the lid on him and take out all his hidden parts? 

“People haven’t been good to him. He likes you for some reason, so just, don’t fuck him up. That’s all I’m asking, man.”

And with that he gets out of the car, leaving Steve in a whirlwind of panic, and with problems still unsolved.

He needs to talk to Wayne.

[skrevel]

Is this something?? I got a possible fic idea while enjoying some of that good Solavellan angst™️ as one does, and I haven't written a fic since I was in high school (a long while ago). But I do think the interactions with the Veilguard crew could be very interesting. It's one of those where Inquisitor Lavellan is a bit more involved than they are in the game.

It's angsty because of course it is. But what if the removal of the anchor wasn't a one time fix all for the problems holding that kind of magic in someone's body for so long? Because she had that in her body for a good 2ish years roughly if I'm not mistaken. And removing it was the equivalent of a cancer patient going into remission. Only to have to deal with the damage it did to her body years later.

What I'm trying to say is what if lavellan had been hiding this illness through a good portion of the story while trying to find treatment in tevinter with Dorian? And then Rook and harding and the other members pick up on it and press her for answers only to find out that she's dying... again....

Which leads to either the plot progressing very similar to the game and she goes with him, both because despite everything she still cares about him and because she's dying anyway. Or the second option which is Solas getting wind she's dying again and decides to do the rook betrayal thing because he bugged out about that and NEEDED to find a way for her to continue living.

It would have more of the inquisition cast in it too. But also the idea of Emmrich, who is so scared of death interacting with Lavellan who's attitude towards it is 'yup this shit again, ANYWAY' is very intriguing. And it would make sense why she's not in most of the actions because she physically can't really be in feild like she used to.

[onechicagolife]

ALWAYS | JAY HALSTEAD

Detective Jay Halstead is a senior member of the Intelligence Unit, where he is partnered with Detective Hailey Upton after his former partner and girlfriend transferred to the FBI and moved to New York. Still adjusting to the loss of his former flame, all the while dealing with emotional scars from his time in the Rangers, his world is once again turned upside down when a case brings up an odd connection to a woman from his past. want to be tagged? link in bio <3

Chapter 21

Swallowing the nausea that had become her constant companion these past few weeks, Mia stared at the house from her spot in the driveway. Her fingers tightened around the steering wheel, the plastic groaning faintly under the pressure. Pregnant. The word echoed in her head, foreign and impossible, even after the confirmation of a blood test. She'd stared at the result in disbelief for days. She was going to have a baby.

At twenty-one, she barely felt like she could take care of herself, let alone another human being. Her life was a mess of textbooks, part-time shifts at the diner, and late-night cramming sessions in a noisy apartment. How could she handle diapers, bottles, and sleepless nights? The thought sent a ripple of panic through her chest, but she forced herself to breathe.

The only thing grounding her was the thought of Jay as the baby's father. It would be challenging while he was still finishing his four years of active duty before moving to reserves, but they'd figure it out. He was only home for another month before his final deployment, but given the circumstances, they may let him out early so he could be there when the baby was born. They had some savings and military benefits, just enough to get a small place for the three of them. It wasn't perfect, but it would work. They'd make it work.

With a shaky exhale, Mia pushed the car door open and stepped out, making her way toward the front door. The weight of what she was about to say pressed down on her shoulders, but she steeled herself. Before she could second-guess, she knocked and waited patiently.

Jay answered within moments, his face lighting up at the sight of her. The grin that had always felt like home now tied her stomach in knots. Still, a genuine smile tugged at her lips. Looking at him in person rather than through a grainy video call felt surreal. "Hey," he greeted, stepping aside. "Thought we were meeting for dinner?"

"I know," Mia said, clearing her throat, "But I needed to talk to you about something." Her voice wavered as she glanced around, "Is your dad home?"

Jay shook his head and leaned in, giving her a soft kiss. She melted into it, savoring the feel of his lips against hers. Their time together always felt fleeting, and the thought filled her with a bittersweet ache. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pulled him closer, needing the comfort of his presence. Jay cupped her face, his touch gentle, and deepened the kiss. But before they could lose themselves entirely, Mia broke away, resting her forehead against his to steady herself.

His brow furrowed, pulling back enough to study her face, "Everything okay?"

She nodded quickly, even though it wasn't. Nothing about this moment felt okay; fear overwhelmed all other emotions.

"What's going on?" he questioned again. For a second, she faltered, the words sticking in her throat. Noticing how she struggled, he led her to the living room so they could talk, leaving her by the couch while he went to grab drinks from the kitchen.

Mia's heart pounded as she watched his retreating form. It would be fine. She's only known for two weeks and was still scared out of her mind, but she was slowly adjusting to the idea of being a mother. Jay would be just as scared, but he'd be happy. She was sure of it. He loved her. They'd face this together.

A buzzing sound interrupted her thoughts. Glancing at the coffee table, Mia saw his phone lighting up with an unfamiliar number. Frowning, she picked it up. "Who's calling you from Columbus, Georgia?" she asked, holding the phone out as Jay returned and set down two glasses.

Jay's demeanor shifted in an instant. His smile faded, replaced by something guarded. He took the phone, silencing the call, but his refusal to meet her gaze sent her stomach plummeting. "It's nothing," he muttered, setting the phone back down.

"Nothing?" she echoed, her tone sharpening. The way he lifted a hand to rub at the nape of his neck gave him away. Something had been off with him in the two months he'd been home on leave, but she pushed it aside. Clearly, she shouldn't have. She fought the urge to cross her arms, trying to stay calm and not start an argument. "Jay," she prodded gently.

"It's from Fort Benning," he supplied without further explanation. It sounded like a military base, but she hadn't heard him mention it before. He hesitated, and she saw the conflict in his eyes before he glanced down and finally spoke, "That's where the Army Ranger School is."

The words hit her like a slap. For a moment, she could only stare at him, the nausea from earlier resurfacing. "Why would someone from the Army Ranger School be calling you?" her voice was tight. When he still refused to look at her, she became more urgent, "Jay."

Jay finally lifted his eyes, and her expression sent a pang through his chest. And he only had himself to blame, he knew that. "Major Janson is involved in recruiting for special forces," he explained, his tone soft but undeniably proud, "He thinks I have a real shot."

The resentment that flooded through her allowed her to ignore the spark in his eye as he spoke, resentment she thought she'd gotten over years ago. "At joining the Rangers?" Mia asked, her voice rising. She took a step back when he didn't immediately respond, just brought his lips together in a tight line. The air seemed to leave the room. Her chest tightened, and a scoff escaped her before she could stop it, "You've got to be kidding me. You're not seriously considering this. Tell me you're not."

"Mia, it's an opportunity—"

"No," she cut him off, shaking her head as anger surged through her. "We talked about this, Jay. We decided you weren't reenlisting. We had a plan!"

He bristled at her words, frustration creeping into his voice as he snapped, "No, you decided. I never agreed to that."

Her mouth dropped open, her breath catching in her throat. "I decided?" This cannot be happening. Not again. Not now. "Because I remember you saying that you wanted things to settle down, that you wanted to buy a house, to get married. You said that."

"I still want those things," Jay insisted. Irritated, he turned a half-step and dragged a hand down his face. Just a second later, his brows drawn together, he faced her again, "This doesn't have to change that."

"Doesn't have to change that?" she repeated incredulously, "How can you say that? Joining the Rangers means more deployments, more danger. It means more lies, apparently!"

"What else did you expect me to do? Come back and just—just sit around? Just go back to the way things were?"

She narrowed her eyes, the weight of his attitude stoking the ire simmering beneath her skin. He was the reason things weren't the way they used to be—the reason their plans had fallen apart. They talked about it once, about what life would look like after his time in the military. But now, it was painfully clear that he never truly intended to leave it behind. While she'd been consumed with figuring out how to finish school while pregnant and prepare for life with a newborn, she was stupid enough to believe that he'd be on the same page—that they'd face the future together. "You could go to school," she said tersely but with an underlying urgency, "The military pays for that, right? Or get a job—something in security." An idea sparked, something she'd suggested before, "You could apply to the police academy. You'd be a great cop." Her words hung in the air, tinged with desperation, as if giving him an alternative could salvage the dream she thought they both shared.

"You don't understand," Jay said, voice sharp and unyielding as he shook his head. "I can't just walk away while there's still a war going on. That doesn't just stop because you want me to play house."

The sting of his words made Mia's chest tighten. Tears pricked her eyes, a raw mix of sadness and fury, but she blinked them away. Her hand hovered near her stomach, instinctively wanting to shield the life he didn't know about, but she forced it back to her side. Instead, she channeled all her hurt into anger, her voice trembling. "That's not on you, Jay. Jesus, you don't have to be the one to save everybody! You can find another job."

"It's not a job!" he shot back, his eyes blazing. "It's not just a job, Mia. It's who I am, okay? It's my life."

Her breath hitched, and she let out a bitter, humorless laugh. Funny. She thought this was his life—the two of them, together, building something real. Taking a deep, steadying breath, she tipped her head back, staring at the ceiling as if it could stop the tears from falling. The silence between them was thick, suffocating. Neither dared to speak, both bracing for the storm they knew was coming.

Finally, Mia met his gaze, her voice low but vibrating with restrained pain. "So that's it, then?" she asked, though it wasn't really a question. "It's not even a discussion. If I hadn't seen that call… Were you even going to tell me before you signed up?"

The guilt that flickered across his face was answer enough, and it sliced through her like a knife. Her chest ached with the weight of his betrayal, the familiar sting of broken promises. She could see the struggle waging in his mind, but she didn't want his excuses. She'd heard them all before. Her breath hitched as realization dawned, making her voice crack, "You already did, didn't you?"

His jaw tightened, his throat working as he fought for words, but none came. She didn't need them. She saw the truth in how his shoulders slumped, and his eyes dropped to the floor. Still, she needed to hear it. "Say it," she demanded, her voice sharp and brittle.

He sucked in a shaky breath, blinking quickly to fight back the tears threatening to fall. The sight of her, standing there so hurt, so angry, shattered something deep inside him. He never wanted this. Never wanted to be the one to make her look like this. "I already made it through the first phase of training," Jay confessed, the words tumbling past his lips.

Her face crumpled, the truth hitting her harder than she'd expected, even though she already knew. Tears spilled freely now, no longer something she could control. Mia let out a stuttered breath of his name as she turned, unable to look at him anymore. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold herself together as her knees threatened to buckle.

Panicked, Jay took a half-step forward before thinking better of it. "I was going to tell you!" he tried to justify himself, "I wanted to wait until I got through the interviews, until it was real. It—it's still not a guarantee. I still have to pass the physical training phase."

"I can't believe you. I can't believe you're doing this to me again," her voice broke, muttering more to herself than to him.

"That's not fair," he moved toward her this time, his eyes pleading. "Mia, I love you. I thought you'd understand. This is important—"

"I don't care how important it is to you!" The words came out louder than she intended, but she couldn't stop them as she whirled on him, "You think this makes you a hero? Sacrificing everything and everyone for something you've convinced yourself will fix whatever's broken inside you? You're not a savior, Jay. You're just selfish."

Her words hit him harder than anything else ever had. His shoulders sagged, and for a moment, he was silent. His voice was softer but no less desperate when he spoke again. "Mia, please. You've always been by my side. I thought… I thought you'd support me in this."

She let out a pained sound, something between a laugh and a scoff, "Support you? You don't even trust me enough to tell me the truth. How am I supposed to support you when you keep cutting me out of your decisions?"

Jay took another step forward, his voice catching in his clogged throat, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just—"

"I can't do this," she interrupted, "Not again."

"Mia, don't do this. Please." His own voice wavered, the fear in his eyes mirroring her own, "We can work through this. We've always figured it out before."

She shook her head, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks, "We had a plan, and you made me feel like a fool. But I forgave you because I love you and wanted to be with you. And I've spent the last four fucking years in a constant state of fear that I'd get a call that you were dead. I've sacrificed so much for you, Jay. I can't keep doing it. Not when you clearly don't care what it costs me." She hesitated, fighting the urge to lay a hand on her stomach, "I have to think about more than just you. I'm done."

His brows furrowed, confusion and pain flickering across his face, "You don't mean that."

Her eyes hardened, hands curling into fists at her sides. The now almost constant image of the two of them smiling down at their baby's freckled face drifted further and further to the back of her mind as her nails dug painfully into the skin of her palms. "If you really want this, if you really need to be a Ranger, then I wish you the best of luck."

"Mia."

"I hope that it's everything that you're looking for." Heart breaking, she turned around and left.

And Jay let her.

Mia stares blankly ahead, the world around her a blur. The phantom pressure of the blade lingers on her neck, his mocking voice looping in her mind, his empty eyes staring down at her as he squeezed her neck seared into her memory. A gentle touch on her shoulder jolts her back, and she inhales sharply, the motion stinging her raw throat. Her gaze darts around before focusing on the paramedic standing in front of her with a sympathetic smile, and she thinks that he’s been trying to get her attention for a few moments. The gauzy fabric taped against her head and neck registers now, and she realizes she hasn’t registered what he’s been doing since she sat on the ambulance’s rear ledge. How did she even get here? The exact sequence of events feels muddled and distant.

The paramedic’s expectant look cuts through her haze. He must have asked her something. “Sorry, what?” she croaks, her throat dry as she clears it.

“Can you tell me your name?” he asks, his tone calm and careful like he’s speaking to a child.

It’s meant to comfort her; she knows that, but it only irritates her. She swallows the frustration and glances around. There are so many people. “Mia Blake,” she finally says, her voice steadier now.

“Do you know where you are?” he continues gently.

She would roll her eyes if her head wasn’t pounding inside her skull. “A cabin in Wisconsin, it’s 2017,” she deadpans, “and please do not make me tell you who the president is.”

The corner of his mouth twitches at her retort, “I need to check your neurological responses now. Follow the light with your eyes.” He flicks on a small flashlight, the beam hitting her face. She flinches at the brightness but obeys, following the light as it moves back and forth. After a few moments, he switches it off and tucks it away.

Footsteps catch her attention. Mia turns, her tense shoulders dropping slightly as her eyes find Jay. He approaches purposefully, his gaze sweeping over her, searching for injuries he might have missed. His jaw tightens when he notices the bandages, but his expression softens as their eyes meet.

“Hi,” she murmurs, the faintest trace of a smile tugging at her lips.

“Hi,” he replies softly before turning to the paramedic. “How is she?”

The paramedic starts gathering his supplies as he explains, “The cut on her neck isn’t deep, but the head wound might need stitches. I used butterfly bandages for now until we get to the hospital.” He glances at Mia, “Your pupils are a little sluggish, which could mean a concussion.”

“I feel fine,” Mia says firmly, her tone clipped.

“Any headaches, dizziness, or blurred vision?” When she doesn’t answer, he nods knowingly, “The hospital isn’t far.”

She shakes her head and pushes to her feet too quickly, stumbling. Both men reach out to steady her, but she brushes them off with a huff, “I said I’m fine.” Her gaze shifts to Jay, her voice softening, “I just want to go home.”

Jay hesitates, concern flickering in his eyes. They share a silent exchange, her pleading expression meeting his conflicted one. The other man breaks the silence, “I strongly recommend she goes to the hospital.”

Mia glares at him before turning back to Jay. “I’ll go. In Chicago,” she bargains. She cuts him off when he starts to argue, “It’s only a few hours’ drive. You can wake me up to check on me. And I’ll even let Will be my doctor.” Her voice drops, a quiet “please” slipping through her resolve.

Jay exhales, clearly torn, but he gives in, “Okay.”

Relief floods through her as she closes her eyes, tuning out the paramedic’s protests. A familiar hand tangles with hers, pulling her back. She blinks, realizing the ambulance doors are closed and driving away. Her gaze follows it until Jay’s gentle squeeze on her hand draws her focus back. He tilts his chin, meeting her gaze. “Come on,” he says softly, tugging her toward his truck parked haphazardly nearby.

At the passenger door, he pauses, keys in hand, “Wait here for a second, okay?” He moves to leave, but her grip tightens instinctively. Jay glances at their joined hands before brushing a stray strand of hair from her face. “I’ll be right back,” he promises. Only when she nods does he step away.

Mia watches him approach his team, who glance her way as he speaks. Her shoulders stiffen under their curious stares, and she shifts uncomfortably, angling her body to avoid their gaze. The minutes stretch endlessly until she hears his familiar stride returning, accompanied by another. Looking up, she sees Hailey trailing behind him, the blonde giving a short nod.

Jay hands the keys to his partner before opening the back driver’s side door. He offers Mia a hand, helping her climb in. Once she’s settled, he slides in beside her, his eyes scanning her every move. She huffs, shaking her head as she bites back a smile at his fussing.

Before he can speak, she shuffles closer, curling into his side. His face softens as he wraps an arm around her shoulders, and she settles against him with a soft exhale. She grabs his other hand, guiding it to rest over with hers over her stomach as her eyes fall closed. Safe for the first time in what feels like forever, Mia lets herself drift into sleep with her head buried in his shoulder.

Mia winces as the final stitch pulls her skin, her hand squeezing the one holding hers tightly. Jay rubs gentle circles over the back of her hand with his thumb, his gaze fixed on her. He hasn't looked away since he found her in the woods, terrified that if he does, she might disappear.

"Sorry," Will mutters as he sets aside the needle and forceps and reaches for a small bandage. He offers a small smile once he's sure the edges are secure. "There," he says, tapping her nose playfully, "all done."

Mia snorts softly, nudging his arm, but she can see the worry lingering in his eyes. Guilt stirs in her chest, knowing how much fear her reckless decision to face a psychopath alone caused everyone. "Thank you," she says softly.

"Anytime." Will clears his throat, brushing away his emotions, "Just… don't make this a habit."

A knock at the door interrupts what surely would have been a sarcastic reply. Will glances over his shoulder as his girlfriend—soon-to-be fiancée—enters the room. He shifts awkwardly before muttering, "Thanks, Nat," and steps aside to let her in.

Mia watches curiously as Will excuses himself. She'd met Natalie a few times before but isn't sure why she's here now, knowing she is mainly in pediatrics. The other woman offers a warm smile before turning to Jay. "Would you mind giving us a moment?" she asks gently.

Taken aback for a second, he nods and starts to stand before a tug on his hand keeps him firmly in the chair beside her bed. "It's fine," Mia protests, "he can hear whatever you have to say."

Natalie hesitates, her eyes flicking between them, then nods. "Alright," she begins, clearing her throat, "I was informed about the… nature of the crimes committed by the man who kidnapped you."

Oh. Mia's grip on his hand tightens instinctively, her pulse quickening.

"We have excellent nurses that do SANE exams," Natalie continues delicately.

"That's not necessary," Mia cuts off sharply, noting how Jay's breath hitches where he sits beside her. Her voice is firm, though tension coils in her shoulders.

Natalie's expression softens, her movements careful, as though she doesn't fully believe her. "Okay," she says gently. "I still think it's safer to do an exam in case there was any point where you might have been unconscious. There's a limited window to collect evidence—"

"I wasn't raped," Mia interrupts, her tone clipped. While she wasn't awake the entire time that she was gone, she wasn't drugged, and she would know if he did anything like that to her. Mia shifts in the bed, brushing her hair behind her ear, "Besides, that would defeat the point. He likes it when they fight."

Her words hang in the air, thick and suffocating. Silence falls, heavy and tense, but she doesn't elaborate further. She knew what that man wanted to do, how his eyes raked over her body like she was prey. But he never got the chance.

After a long pause, Natalie nods before quietly excusing herself. Then they are alone, the only sound in the room being the beeping of the machine Will forcibly hooked her up to while an IV pumped her full of fluids. She glances over at him, breath catching at the way he is already staring at her. It's both pained and relieved, like if he blinks, she'll be gone.

The weight of everything crashes down on her, and Mia blinks back tears. "Thank you," she whispers, her voice trembling. "You saved my life."

A faint smile tugs at Jay's lips, "Couldn't have done it without you." He lifts a hand, gently cupping her cheek as he brushes away a tear. "Where the water meets the sky," he murmurs, fighting back his own emotions.

A watery laugh escapes her, and she sniffles. "Jay," she begins, searching his eyes. "You know I didn't… I had to make him believe me. It—it was the only way he would believe me."

"I know," he scoots to the edge of his chair, voice unwavering. Hearing those words from her had cut deeper than anything else, more than the things she said when they broke up, but he knows why she did it. "Look at me," he says softly, waiting until her teary, green eyes meet his. He frames her face with both hands, emphasizing every word, "I love you."

She blinks, not knowing what to say. No, she knows what to say. What she wants to say, but the words lodge in her throat. Instead, she reaches up, wrapping a hand around his neck, and pulls him into a kiss. He responds instantly, the tears he's been holding back finally slipping free, mingling with hers. When the need for air forces them apart, he presses one, two more quick kisses to her lips before resting his forehead against hers.

"Jay," she whispers, but the moment shatters as Jules Murphy's voice echoes down the hall. They barely manage to separate before her mother comes barreling into the room.

"Oh, my baby girl," Jules sobs, engulfing her daughter in a fierce hug. Mia holds her back, whispering reassurances that she's fine, she's okay, she's not hurt.

Jules pulls back but stays close, smoothing Mia's hair as she glances at Jay. "Thank you for keeping your promise," she says sincerely, her voice trembling.

Before Jay can respond, another figure rushes in. "Thank God," Austin immediately moves to her bedside. "I was so worried about you, baby."

Mia blinks, surprised to see him. After a moment, she realizes she hasn't responded and forces what could barely be called a smile as he wraps her up in a hug.

Feeling out of place, Jay shifts uncomfortably before rising to his feet. He steps toward the door, but a call of his name halts him in his tracks. He glances over his shoulder, meeting her slightly panicked eyes. Mia swallows, not having meant to call out to him. It was on instinct, not wanting him to leave. There hasn't been a minute in the last few hours where she didn't know exactly where he was, just within reach if she needed him. She clears her throat, "Thank you again."

He holds her gaze for a moment, then nods in understanding before stepping into the hallway. Will is standing just outside, almost like he was waiting for him, and he goes to stand beside him.

"She's going to be okay," his older brother promises. Together, they glance back toward the hospital room. Mia meets Jay's eyes one last time, sending him a weak but grateful smile. He returns it, knowing Will's words are true—but still wanting nothing more than to be by her side.

prev . . . next

[rainbow-nerdss]

Hiii Sorcha! 💕💕💕

👧👧👧👧👧

🏡🏡🏡🏡🏡

🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫

😎😎😎😎😎

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

-❤️🪐

ahhh so many sentences, thank you!!

15 for Girldad!buck 👧👧

Buck glances over his shoulder at Róisín, who looks faintly amused. He laughs, nervously. “Nice to meet ya properly, Buck. You hungry?” Buck tries to make his smile appear more certain. “Absolutely. Anything I can help with?” Cormac scrutinizes him, face screwed up in consideration. “You cook?” “He makes the best pasta!” Fia pipes up. “And cakes, too!” “Is that so? Did you bring any of them with you?” Buck stammers. “Um, well, I didn’t—Ró said…” “My niece told you family doesn’t bring presents for the host?” He grunts. “Well, sure, I suppose not. Still, always love a good cake, if you ever have any going spare. Mind giving me a hand setting the table?” Fia grabs Buck’s hand and drags him through to the dining table. She directs him on which cabinet to pull each item from and then where to set each of their spots. 

15 for 8x08! 🏡

He loses himself in the process, not that there’s much to it. He wonders whether he’d be able to pull off a pie crust from scratch—maybe that’s something he can work on next, once he’s perfected his scones. He puts on some music as he whips it up, forgetting everything else for just a few minutes. He puts the pie in the oven, cleans up the mess he made, and then looks in the fridge to see whether there’s any extra cream in there. His face falls when he sees the almost empty fridge shelves. There’s nothing in there but an almost-empty carton of milk and a couple of eggs. He’d forgotten, for a moment. While he’d been baking, he’d almost been able to trick himself into thinking that Eddie had just stepped out for a few minutes—that he’d gone to pick Chris up from some club, or a friend’s house, and when they came back, they’d all eat the pie together. He sits down at the kitchen table, staring into the oven where the pie is still baking.  Eddie’s not coming home. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not even next week. Buck tries to remember the longest time he’d gone without seeing Eddie or Chris since first meeting them. They’d visited Texas a few times, but never more than a week at a time.  The oven timer beeps.  He looks around him at the silent house, empty apart from him and the ghosts of his best friend and the kid he’d raised here.

30!! for secret relationship 🤫

He decides to make the most of Bobby forcing him into dish duty with Eddie. “You like this new guy?” he asks. “I told you already, I don’t know him. Buck seems happy though, right?” “Sure, but he seemed happy with Tommy, too.” “This guy won’t do that,” Eddie snaps. “He’d never push Buck away.” Chim narrows his eyes. “I thought you didn’t know him?” Eddie huffs. “I haven’t met him, but I know him.” “What?” Chim squints, trying to make sense of that. “Is it some sort of online thing? Long distance?” Eddie shrugs, non-committal. He dries his hands and walks away. “See ya, Chim!” Chimney frowns. There’s something going on here, he’s sure of it.  “Hey, Buck! How are you this fine afternoon,” Chimney sits next to Buck when Eddie leaves him alone for five seconds, probably just to go pee. “I’m not telling you about my boyfriend, Chimney.” “So he’s a boyfriend, then?” “He’s—Chim, c’mon.” “Just give me anything, man, please? I’m losing my mind here, how come even Maddie doesn’t know?”

15 more of bodyguard 😎

Buck knows he’s right, but the idea of broaching the subject with Eddie, when he’s so proud of himself for being back in shape and able to work again…  He’s saved from having to answer by the alarm ringing overhead. Saved by the bell. The call is nothing major—an escape room employee had taken the title a little too literally, and actually locked the patrons inside. Buck takes bolt cutters to the lock and opens the door, letting the crowd of panicked and scared patrons out.  “We heard there was an injury, is that right?” One guy steps forward, holding his shoulder.  “He tried to ram the door open after the time ran out and we still couldn’t open it,” The man with him says. He gives a double take towards Buck as Buck directs the injured man towards Hen. “Are you…?” Buck sighs. “Let’s get your friend looked after, okay?” “You are, aren’t you? You were paired up with Taylor on Love Island! Buck, right?” Buck looks around for a rescue, but it’s only him and Hen here on this call, and the injured person has found his way to her without his friend. “Yeah, that’s me,” Buck concedes.

aaaand 18 of guilty as sin! 🤯🤯

“He got his times confused. I told him when I was finished, but he must have misheard, or…” Or not been listening, a less-than-charitable part of Eddie’s mind suggests. “Or something. I asked if he’d mind waiting outside, since I still had work to do—I even offered to meet him somewhere else when I was done, but… He started acting weird.” “Weird how?” Buck shakes his head. “He just… said some things—suggested something I hadn’t… I hadn’t let myself consider. I tried to deny it, but I… I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong.” Eddie wants to ask. He wants to know, but he doesn’t think he could bear it if he’s wrong—if Buck’s talking about something completely different. “What… What did he say?” Buck bites his lip. “Do you remember… after Chim’s bachelor party?” Eddie’s breath catches. It’s all he can do to nod. He remembers—vividly.  “Did you… did you mean it? The things you said?” Buck averts his eyes, like he’s afraid of how Eddie’s going to respond. And Eddie can’t have that—he can’t have Buck doubting even for a second that he meant that.  “I meant every word, Buck.” Even the ones he hadn’t been able to bring himself to say.“Tommy suggested… he thought that you and I had… done something. Done what you thought we’d done. And when I told him we hadn’t, he asked whether I’d thought about it. About you.”

phew! This took a while, I hope you enjoy!

Make me Write

[reflection-s-of-stars]

.

[ineed-to-sleep]

*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 21

PREVIOUS

“What made you think taking on a mafia hitman was a good idea?” Andrew asks as he and FF were positioning themselves the best the could for an ambush on Romero.

Since, they APPARENTLY had time to talk.

Romero had gotten the text Andrew had sent him and INSTEAD of coming out right away to progress the whole SCHEME to kidnap and murder Andrew’s Junkie like any sensible goon Romero went to the BAR. Romero went to the Bar to get him and Jackson a round of CELEBRATORY drinks. Romero is still there at the bar waiting to be served by an INCREDIBLY nervous Roland if the number of exclamation marks and puking emojis is to be believed.

What the FUCK is there to celebrate?

These two idiots want to kidnap NEIL and so far the only thing Romero knows (thinks) that they’ve caught are two people that Neil would come for but even in Andrew’s text he’d been clear that he needed help getting ‘The boyfriend and the new friend’ to talk let alone getting them to call ‘The Wesninski Brat’ out. Andrew had hated typing the name in reference to Neil but it was the only thing the two ever referred to him as in their chats.

Is it some insane mental game that Romero thought he and Jackson were going to play on Andrew and Smith? Toasting to their torture so they’d give up Neil? Who knows.

He realizes that FF hasn’t answered him, his eyes focused on the door when Andrew’s thoughts had drifted. A reliable guy, steady in a pinch, and focused like most the others weren’t.

(Andrew does not know that FF is thinking about how one would go about becoming a Mafia Hitman. What is that career path like? Do they show up at job fairs? Do you get a job as a short order cook at a business that acts as a front and see to much but you’re also the only one that knows the secret spaghetti recipe the boss likes so you have to sign yourself to the family? Are you out doing your own freelance crime and someone higher up sees your work one day and literally head hunts you? Is it like in Saw where you survive an ordeal and then-)

“Smith?” Andrew draws FF’s attention away from the door.

“I didn’t think it was a good idea at any point.” FF says and Andrew is surprised by the admission and is more surprised by the twist of FF’s lips into a frown, “I just did what I thought I needed to do.” He adds.

(Andrew does not know that the twist of FF’s lips has more to do with the fact that he is realizing that Romero likely STILL has not washed his hands. Romero hasn’t washed his hands and he is going to hand Jackson a DRINK with those hands. Ugh. Honestly a contract killer AND someone who doesn’t wash his hands? Who RAISED him? What does his grandma think of this? FF hopes she’s disappointed in him.)

“You thought you needed to lure a hitman into an alley?” Andrew asks because the plan is stupid even if so far it has worked out for FF. The fact that Romero hadn’t just come out when he sent Jackson the signal is only due to FF’s good luck and their stupidity.

“I didn’t have a lot of time to think up anything more than the first plan I thought of. I saw him looking at Nicky on the dance floor.” FF says with another twist of his lips as he self-consciously rubbed at his cheek. It’s never fun to have someone who has time to pick apart a plan that you barely had time to form. Andrew can understand the irritation and is glad that FF isn’t lashing out at him for it.

(Andrew does not know that FF is not irritated he is just remembering that he had held up his broken toilet bowl phone to his face to pretend call Captain Neil. He’s contemplating asking if Andrew maybe possibly has a wet wipe? Actually the murder van probably has bleach to clean up evidence, maybe he can just dip his face in there for like a minute.)

“Don’t use a plan where you martyr yourself. I already have to deal with Neil’s bullshit tendencies.” Andrew says instead of thanking him. “You should have just called me.” He says.

FF just holds up his phone, “Dropped into a club toilet. Completely unusable.” He says and yeah that makes sense. FF would have probably just texted Andrew but coming out and seeing a hitman going after Nicky probably made it impossible for the freshman to go get help without drawing all the attention to himself first if he wanted to make sure Nicky stayed safe.

Still.

“You dropped it into a toilet? You haven’t even had anything tonight.” He says because that clumsiness is not something he expects from FF.

“You try taking a pee next to someone on the FBI’s most wanted list and see how dry your palms remain when he’s talking about grabbing one of Captain Neil’s friends to lure him out.” He says with a brow raised.

That’s fair.

He figures that Romero hadn’t even noticed FF standing there. FF was incredibly good at just making himself unnoticeable (to Andrew’s occasional great annoyance and to Kevin’s great desire to study him for Exy related purposes).

“You recognized him?” He asks.

FF’s gaze slides to him, “I looked up a lot about the Foxes after I signed.” FF answers before his gaze slides back to the door. Roland had just texted Andrew that he’s getting Romero’s drinks ready (Two bud lites. Those are the celebratory drinks he waited for?? Embarrassing.) “I really looked up to Captain Neil. So, I read a lot more about him than anyone else.” FF admits but the fact that FF looked up to Neil was not in any way shape or form a secret.

FF was the only one who was ALWAYS paying attention to whatever Neil was saying and never argued with it. Even Andrew tended to just get lost in the sound of Neil’s voice when he’s going over Exy plays and not actually listen to the plan. FF’s eyes were always right on Neil and his actions on the court showed that he had been paying attention and knew what he was doing. Kevin also listened but he tended to fight Neil on the finer details of plays, strategy or anything else. FF was the one who would just nod and do his part in whatever possible play Neil had broken down for them.

FF was also categorically incapable of referring to Neil as anything other than Captain Neil.

Neil had bristled early on at it. He had thought it was a mocking title, something FF was saying to rile him up because that’s what Freshman Foxes did. That’s what Freshman Foxes always do. FF slid into the team without a whisper of rebellion and it hadn’t taken long to realize that FF was using the title with sincerity even if his monotone did not perfectly convey that.

It’d been that sincerity and that ease that had FF be the only option he’d considered when Bee said he should consider expanding his friend pool.

So if FF looked a little deeper into Neil’s past and sees Neil’s part in it as something to respect, something to admire?

Well, he personally thought he always had great taste in people. (He ignores the voice in his head that sounds like Nicky complaining about Kevin still not knowing German despite it being the family language.)

“You sure you don’t want one of my knives or the knife Jackson had?” It was pretty big and Andrew didn’t think it would work well with his general style but maybe FF could use it somehow. He was uneasy that FF was going into this fight unarmed. FF still hadn’t talked about how he’d taken out Jackson when the man had a knife like that.

“Do I look like Crocodile Dundee to you?” FF asks with a raised eyebrow and Andrew has to pause a moment for the movie to load into his brain before he offers an amused quirk of his own lips.

FF is a funny guy.

His phone dings. “He’s on his way.”

***

Aside from thinking about how nice the conversation he was having with his friend Andrew (his friend! His friend Andrew! God how is he going to admit to Gran that Andrew was never planning on stabbing him? She threatened to come over and square off with the ‘mean young man’ bullying him. He’s gotta go grab the makings for a secondary pie to even start to make up for this. Maybe Andrew would prefer a cobbler? He should ask his friend his preferences.) he was thinking about how he really wished they hadn’t had a cut away from Gracie Hart showing all the various forms of self defense she knows in the movie.

He had no idea if he could do a repeat performance of S.I.N.G. with Romero.

It’d be nice to have a few more things in his repertoire because all he has is striking Romero with the heel of his hand in the nose, getting grabbed from behind to throw him over his shoulder (which what if Romero is shorter than him? How will THAT work. Gracie Hart guide my steps!), and of course S.I.N.G.

If he survives this he might write a letter to the writer.

The door opens and honestly FF and Andrew agreed that surprise and speed were going to be their best weapons. The two of them go in for a full body tackle but Romero must just be a higher class goon than Jackson was since he manages to body them away. The door shuts which is mostly what they wanted anyways. Romero can’t go back in and grab someone to use as a shield.

He sees Andrew pull out his knives and now FF realizes that any level of threatening Andrew had done before must have mostly been in jest or just as intimidation. When Andrew wants to stab someone it’s obvious that he’s aiming to stab them.

Romero manages to parry Andrew’s first stab with a move that FF had seen on the ‘how to handle someone coming at you with a knife’ videos. FF sees Romero go in to bash one of the Bud Lite bottles over Andrew’s head so he launches his water bottle at Romero’s hand. The bottle falls and shatters harmlessly on the ground.

He kicks Romero’s other hand since the water bottle bought him time to get close. “You fucking brat!” Romero hisses.

He sees Romero reaching for something at the same time Andrew is going in for the second round of stabbing. Romero dodges out of the way but FF can see what might actually for real be an entire gun concealed in his jacket.

He can see Romero going for it. Sees the same smile on his face he’d seen inside as his hand wraps around the handle.

FF doesn’t think.

FF doesn’t think because if he does he’ll freeze.

So FF acts.

“Gun!” He yells and runs full force tackling Romero as hard as he can but unfortunately he tackles Romero into Andrew.

The three of them grapple on the ground. It’s hard to keep track of what limb is who’s and he’s pretty sure he’s accidentally hit Andrew a few times instead of Romero but he’s also pretty sure that Andrew punched him in the stomach so he thinks they’re equal. Finally FF gets a hand on the gun that Romero had been trying to get the safety off of and he knocks it out of Romero’s hand. “You kids will-“

Romero doesn’t get to say anything else because Andrew manages to land a punch right to his jaw that has Romero go limp under the two of them. They look at one another and Andrew manages to pull the handcuffs they’d purloined out of the Van while they were waiting off of the belt loop they were hooked onto and gets them around Romero’s wrists.

They stare down at the second unconscious man on the FBI’s most wanted list in the alley.

Then they roll off of him and onto their backs. Both of them wheezing from a combination of exertion, adrenaline, and (at least in FF’s case) a fair amount of pain (Christ Andrew packs a PUNCH his stomach is already sensitive. It’s a miracle that punch hadn’t made him puke.)

“That was…so stupid.” Andrew pants.

“Yeah probably.” FF admits.

They lay there for about a minute and FF thinks that maybe someone will need to carry him because his stomach is KILLING HIM with all this.

“Alright let’s-“

Andrew is sitting up and looking at him when he stops talking.

FF doesn’t really know what the issue is but starts to sit up, “Don’t you DARE.” Andrew hisses and FF finds himself being pushed back down to the ground to lay flat. “Don’t move Smith.” He demands and is pulling his phone out of his pocket as he keeps a hand on FF’s shoulder.

FF doesn’t really understand what’s got Andrew so upset all the sudden. “Andrew, what’s-“ he tries to sit up again. Is there a third person and Andrew wants him to keep down? There’s not really cover here they should move towards the dumpster maybe?

“Smith, I told you to not move.” Andrew hisses before whoever he’s calling seems to pick up. “I need police and an ambulance. We’re at Eden’s Twilight in the back alley.” He looks to FF, “What’s your blood type?” He asks.

FF has NO idea.

“I don’t know.” He answers and Andrew makes a disgusted sound. “Andrew, what’s-“

Then he sees it.

He doesn’t quite get how he missed it before now.

“Huh.” He hears himself say.

That’s Andrew’s knife handle sticking out of his stomach.

It appears that Andrew Minyard may have stabbed him in the stomach.

“Well, that’s about what I expected.” He says and lets his head rest against the pavement.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

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[roboyomo]

hey. pspsps. for whenever u need it. hands u a Talk About Yuor Beasts ticket for azrael and kenix. disappears into my shrub again. woe

HELLOOOO HAI. I FINALLY WROTE THIS HOLY SHIT. just to prepare you people, this thing is going to get LONG. EXTRA LONG COMPARED TO MY USUAL OC RANTPOSTS. 57 paragraphs and about ~7000 words. Yeag ^_^ read at your own risk and if you have a Lot Of Free Time Alrightsies? And also if you want to hear about fucked up and doomed little queer guys! I had tried to cover everything about azranix in here so let's goooo !!!

okay so first of all i will Definitely be reusing some of the old info i have already said about them before because Yeag ^_^ it is definitely needed for context for all the other people that have been following my blog and never read my previous rant posts. And those who just Never Saw Said Oc Posts dhehdsh just so this all would make some sense

and God. i've had kenix and azrael for abouttttt 2+ years by now i think ? ? and their story have changed a lot but GOD they still have such a grip on my soul.,,, cannot think about them without being Plagued very intensely and extremely and severely. they were this one Thing but then their dynamic and relationship evolved and so did they as people and it makes me So Sick of them soemtimes i swearrrr.. . .

so to start off! yeah the already known thing is that they're part of the seven deadly sins order of characters but to make it easier i'll just call them either sins crew or seven sinners. For my own Convenience. The concept of the sins crew is that they are mirroring the main original timeline cast. While the main cast is blessed by the divine in the name of keeping peace of their perspective duties. the sins crew Unfortunately did not get such treatment. To be part of the sins crew is to be abandoned by the gods above Basically. which is exactly their fate! they have curses and not blessings and. to make it short that's just how they have been punished for even having desires! Quite Unfair,, , ,

each of them have their own perspective sins and here, azrael and kenix have envy and lust as their assigned sins respectively. each of their actions that lead to this point are represented by said sins ofcourse but in their own ways (so No not That kind of lust for kenix i know please do not) i think i have explained all the needed context before i get to both of them on their own and then together ^_^ firstly i'll explain azrael because Yeag.

azrael is kind of. Complicated to say the least. a living weapon of some sorts! grown up in a hostile environment where the sole goal was To Win. there was little importance in personal happiness because it was all either to kill or to be killed. and he just grew tired of it yk? his hands only knew the warmth of blood and not the warmth of an another person. A dull and terrified view on life. He could only yearn to know how it is like to live normally without having to worry about being someone's next target.

and then there was someome who knew such happiness. a nameless girl, so full of life. just like him, she had no name from birth. Only a serial number. But yet. She was someone that had no worries like he did. Someone who Had So Much. stood right next to azrael. It felt unreal. Like a dream! A false scenario because surely! Surely that kind of bliss wasn't possible in his world! and yet. Yet. someone knew that feeling that he wished to knew the warmth of himself. Was right in front of his eyes. But he also was envious of her to some degree deep down. envious that she had what he yearned for his entire life while working with these bunch of assassin-esque people. but also!

it is very very safe to say that she meant Everything to him. Like how could she not? her attitude changed his worldview on such a fundamental level that azrael was. Fully convinced that he wouldn't be able to exist without the bright colors she intergrated into his life. spending all of his time with her. her happiness and optimisim was everything he needed. It (the whole relationship) wasn't even exactly anything to Her. like both of them very much saw each other as friends! but azrael meant something different by friends Me Thinks,, , , more like a person that he committed himself to.

"oh you are my friend and i am yours? okay then you have my devotion now. We are Friends and More Than Friends at the same time now :)" like they had something Very Intense and at the same time so one-sided. which is Unfortunate for azrael because! Wow my dude you trusted someone So Much you have let your guard down! Bad Choice my guy! because now it wasn't azrael who was the target. It was her. the nameless has been seen with him so many times that she was in danger because of him. and since he has let his guard down it led to. You know. Her death eventually happening.

the loss of the nameless girl not only broke azrael but changed his worldview once again. Because now he wasn't just apathetic to the entire world around him like he used to be before she appeared in his life, but he despised everything about the world. he was so jealous because now seemingly everyone had everything he had ever wanted! that source of happiness! something he had just mere moments ago! the warmth of blood on his hands coming back to haunt him!

It felt nauseating to see others have that joy. and in a series of overthinking it all, he came to the conclusion that. The others surrounding him have decided to keep happiness a secret from azrael. they were all on it. They knew what they were doing when she died. it is like they have purposefully taken the girl whom meant the world to azrael away from him! but of course how could he not see the truth that was displayed in front of his him this whole time!

coming to that conclusion utterly broke everything azrael knew and built it all anew. His envy was ever so clear to see. he knew that the people surrounding him wanted him to keep being envious of their joy. And so he just decided to ruin it all for them! after all. how come they get to have such happy moments while he has to be left behind in the dark, destroying his youth away for this constant cycle of death to keep going in circles on and on? it felt so utterly unfair to him. There was no use to continue doing what he always did when there wasn't a reason to keep doing it from the start besides living. and how could he live now without the person he treasured by his side?

in the end, his envy of others spiraled into a huge breakdown and caused him to go on a rampage. there were no exact names as his targets, only what his heart and shattered mind told him was the target. and that whole ordeal lead to quite a lot of deaths. ranging from people who at least were azrael's enemies from the past to some degree to innocent bystanders of the world who didn't know that azrael even existed

he found weird comfort in their deaths. Like "wow. i have finally gave in and destroyed what only worsened my misery and envy.. .," he kind of just, , did not feel sorry at all for the murders. even relishing in them in a ?. ? Way. but it all came back to stab him in the back. And Quite Literally too! that is what lead to his death and now his current state. being cursed and with the sin of envy being forever carved into him as a person, his jealously turned into pure venom. like Actually. he has venom running through his body, created from the purest desire for happiness. A man now destined to roam afterlife, forever seen as the pure embodiment of Consequences

so spiteful. so hateful at his very core. although he may be hiding it, but the Venom is present and is very obvious when you look closer into it! his only way to deal with this is to be distant from people. there is no reason to be conversing with the beings that once saw him as such a lowly being. azrael's way of thinking this through is just. Very confusing to say the least. he acted upon his desires but tries to rationalize them at the same time. trying to show that he doesn't care. No he doesn't care. . at least he is convinced so but Truly it is just ?.?? it is clampicated to describe for him. Or something

and now about kenix. Oh god This Dude Man. kenix is Incredibly Fuckjng Complicated as a person man. To start off, i will refer to him as his real name (Yi Dal) sometimes alright? kenix is Very Much a very deeply troubled guy that just represses such feelings. ever since he was born, he was in the dark. Metaphorically and kind of Literally?. since he was a child, he had the whole thing between him and his parents and just His family in general. which was Just Good Fucking Lord how much Inferior he felt to them. he was mostly, if not all the time, reduced to a "servant" for the family. which really contributed to him trying to seek value in himself through being useful to his family

obeying all the orders from his family? No questions asked, although it may hurt, he will at least get some attention. No matter positive or negative. he really just. didn't have a say in anything. for both of the parties, it is all just listening to what he is told to do. And his parents and siblings made that decision consciously. there was never any reason for him being neglected. not that kenix even knows of one! but it was like he was destined to be unacknowledged by them.

kenix was scared to take up space, because what if they find something to be angry about? Something to scold him for? Something to hit him for once again? he may be seeking attention but not in the form of being yelled at or having objects thrown at him. such treatment is still terrifying to him to this very day, a haunting memory at best. He genuinely felt like a little tiny being not deserving of attention with how obvious it was that his siblings were favored far more than him.his parents' treatment towards him made him think that he doesn't have the right to exist in this place without value or a purpose.

the neglect coming from his parents, the humiliation from his siblings. the embarrassment of being treated like a stranger whenever the family was in public. all of those factors reinforcing the idea that kenix is nothing of importance or relevance into his consciousness. kenix really just wanted to be free damnit.he yearned for it, he prayed for such salvation to come save him on a random day of his life but there was. No response as expected. he had never properly felt the warmth of the sun and freedom, only the cold air in his room at night. feels kind of suffocating in here, doesn't it? such a sheltered view on the world. It really is No wonder that kenix wished to escape this place. lacking social interaction and awareness of the outside world, , A shame, really

yi dal had been planning his escape from this god forsaken household for so So long, and he has finally been able to execute it when he was still a teen, about 17 years of age. An opportunity so perfect it truly felt unreal to him. An opportunity to finally feel the fresh air for himself forever and ever? you mean it you mean it you really mean it ?? <- deep down he was so Hopeful man. Man. the first time he was outside in nature by himself?? oh yeag. Yeag that felt like heaven that he himself couldn't believe in. feeling the grass beneath him, the light wind in his face, the chirping of the birds sitting on the trees. what else could he have possibly been missing out on? neither kenix or i know how he has survived about 16 years alone as a 17 years old guy with no social skills or concept of how the world really worked. he did make a fool out of himself but. He got the hang of it! Kind of! Normal social life was hard to get used to but!! ^_^

it truly was impossible for him to predict that at the age of 33, he would be found by his siblings and eventually tracked down, oblivious to what was planned for him. poor poor yi dal. only barely made to his early 30s and yet There It Is. Him laying on the floor, completely devoid of his ability to move his body. a small puddle of blood. Was it his blood? Was the blood of his brother he had manage to stab before being paralyzed? no reason to ponder that now, for he could only watch what was about to happen to him and. That was The Most amount of fear he had ever ever felt in his life. nothing could come close to how he felt when he saw his sister holding something in her hands, his brother following behind her. there were so so many things they could do. and it scared him on such a deep level that he didn't even know existed.

there he is now, a dead man walking and roaming the afterlife. the difference between him and azrael is that kenix acted upon his deepest desire only after he had been killed. the desire to avenge himself. to feel what it was like for his family. to be one of the higher-ups. To finally feel Superior. lusting for power in a way that breaks his morals (hence why this guy is assigned lust as his sin). a desire so strong it basically just Breaks Him Completely. In a way that leaves him so vulnerable that just. Makes him so easy to take advantage of. Disturbingly Too Easy. And that is exactly what fucking happens!!

"prometheus", or well, ephai is at fault here for that. no longer having a physical form, they saw a vessel so perfect in what was left of kenix. A soul that has been shattered into pieces since the start. Kind of. He needed just a little bit of a kick to fall over the edge and never come back to what he was. And they have seen it as an opportunity to prove the existence salvation to kenix. You Know. The guy that even fully gave up on religion and "salvation". And it worked of course it worked on kenix that Little Hopeless Thing— yeag. I could go on and on about kenix and prometheus but this is about azrael and kenix not these two's toxic relationship

prometheus is the key to kenix achieving his goals and in a moment of desperation. When he was offered a chance to avenge himself. To strike back at the people who degraded him the most. To feel in power. He didn't even hesitate to agree to the offer which lead to a little "contract" of some sort happening between them and that's just how kenix has been cursed. kind of like being oblivious to the fact that the salvation he was promised was a punishment in disguise. but it's not like he cares now.. . he has stolen fragments of powers from all kinds of divine beings, all for the sake of fulfilling his own wishes. trading his sanity for power. to the point of almost worshipping the one who has given him this opportunity and making ephai to be a divine entity

kenix himself though, is now more than just a god-like being. he is the flow of time himself. But Uh Oh! Bad News Motherfucker! You are Not Alone in this! because to keep existing like this, he had to take the body of an alternate timeline version of himself. Which just so happened to be the Yi Dal from the main cast's timeline. Who was already part of the main cast. And so essentially while taking over Ken's body, he had to replace him altogether unless they switch hosts. which kenix forbid to do because Good God he doesn't want ken to have anything Really. reasons that i'll get to later because Yeag ^_^ another problem is that prometheus is Also There with them. a third wheel or something so no you got 3 whole separate people in a singular body

so now kenix got himself stuck in a situation where he has to keep up a kind of play. Not pretending to be the version of himself he has replaced per se, but to always appear calm, continue to be soft-spoken and amicable with a formal attitude. because such etiquette and manners are what have enforced into his subconsciousness by his family while he was still living in that household. The manners that have been engraved into his mind by his own will. The facade of not caring about his surroundings. He destroyed his chances to live normally for the sake of his desire. so now kenix just has to pretend that everything is fine when really. Really. he never felt like a person, let alone an indepedent one. it is always him being the shadow of someone else and not seen as someone of his own. previously being the shadow of his siblings and now to be the shadow of ken because. Kenix is not perceived as his own self. Not that he has an identity really! But we will Also get to that later ^>^

now to finally talk about azranix together. their relationship had a pretty Rough start i'd say. Like it wasn't bad! But with azrael's decision to purposefully distance himself from others.., it was Hard for kenix to get closer to him without exactly going against his boundaries. Yes, he did pay attention to when he was getting far too close for azrael's comfort. for what reason did kenix even try to get closer to azrael? Well You See ^_^ he just wants to playfully mess with someone! No other reason! Just innocent little teasing that's all! but both of them have started to note. A lot of things about each other. with azrael's distrust, he was very wary of everything single move coming from kenix. And kenix well just. Tried to notice all the details there are about the person he pursued to know. pure curiosity if you could say that. to azrael there was always Something that was off about kenix and to kenix there was always Something about azrael that peaked his interest.

at the start with how used azrael was with seeing people as some sort of assholes trying to ridicule him, he looked at kenix with a bit of disdain. What if he was also one of such people? Why would he try to seek azrael out of all people? There is that sense of cautiousness that haunted him and his actions. and kenix ultimately decided to become a non-threat in azrael's eyes. otherwise how could he get such an interesting and peculiar person to trust him? to lose on such a great opportunity? no! he had to do it. He Had To. (no no it's not for any particular reason you see, it is just. .)

with every single encounter they have had, azrael just kind of like. Questioned everything about this guy! What Is His Problem! Why Is He Trying To Pry On Me! and so on. and with enough amount of times of them meeting each other in various places, azrael just went "fuck it, i'll try to get the answers to my questions straight from him" and such thinking led him to the Confrontation part. with his frustration present, he really just could not wrap his head around the fact that someone wants to know more about Him. that someone would even find Him interesting. he is trying so hard to avoid such relationships for the sake of himself and. Others to some degree. That an idea that someone once again would want to be a companion to him is just a Bizarre Concept. and kenix answered his questions, albeit not exactly. only a smile and "Wouldn't you want a friend yourself, in this place?"

which is exactly what was needed to crack azrael's front, even just a tiny bit. perhaps kenix was right. this place was Lonely. So Incredibly Lonely. maybe even reminiscent of azrael's past. and that made him realize just how much worse the situation was. to finally be aware of he had to stay here like this for hundreds of years, if not thousands. If not for all eternity. Destined to slowly disappear into thin air. with a few other people who are just like you by your side. a reminder that everything that could've saved you has Abandoned You. Even the divine above have abandoned you. A reminder that there is no one. And nothing. that is coming to save them. He is Alone. And Will Be Alone. his decision to distance from his only source of human interaction has always been a self-fulfilling prophecy of him swallowing his own venom. denying himself everything out of envy and hatred that is wallowing inside him. like a serpent on his shoulder. azrael is just a self-fulfilling prophecy of self-destructive at times that it is like Hey Dude. Please Don't Continue To Do That.

realizing just how fucked up everything in this situation is possibly may have made him just a tinyyy bit Desperate. more willing to finally open up to others a little. more accepting of letting people into his life. It is so fascinating that a single question from kenix is what managed to change his mind. azrael letting his guard down after so long! truly a miracle that we Cannot tell the aftermath of. and thus azrael has started to seek kenix out on purpose while still noting more things about him. Trying to figure him out like what kenix has been doing this whole time, you know? if kenix gets to pry on his life, then azrael might as well just do the same

it was a slow, slow way of actually getting to know each other at a deeper level because kenix. Like always. has tried to keep his past and his general life a secret. A mystery of some sorts. he wasn't really an enigma, azrael just. Never could figure out things about his family, his past life and what else has brought him here like the rest of the sinners. there were always moments about his story that he always left out on purpose. he never went into detailing anything he explained about himself. giving azrael only (mostly) surface level bits of information about himself. and azrael well, did much the same because he still felt that kenix shouldn't be trusted fully.

despite all that, azrael and kenix did manage to start bonding more! they both learned more about each other's story and felt. Sympathy for each other's struggles. as well as bonding over facing the same Horrors™ each day and they just had to learn to get through it together. To survive the troubles with each other by their side. learning more about each other through such dangerous encounters with the unknown things unable to be communicated with. having to find comfort in each other's presence if you understand what i'm trying to convey here. which then evolves into far more intimate moments being shared between them both where one helps the other with his problems and their opinions of each other turning into "ohh so we are one of the same to some degree. then i'll trust you more because i have seen you struggle with the same problems i have in the same way i do"

with the circumstances they were in, they got attached to each other's company Pretty Easily. considering how both of them severely lacked such companionship in their lives. it was a change of pace for the both of them For Sure. after years and years of being together, the trust they built in their relationship was Incomparable to anything else to be honest. they knew each other so so So long that it is now like both of them wouldn't be able to get anywhere without each other. they both had their own reasons for pursuing each other in this sense in specific but for kenix. it always was a desperate attempt for find someone to be there for him covered up as curiousity. kenix has always and Always followed orders his entire life, at first from his family now to listening to whatever prometheus whispers in his mind. his decisions always had this underlying tone of not being by free will. he does what he is told to do.

But trusting azrael and trying his best to be a trustworthy person in his eyes is the first decision that kenix has done by himself. It was his own free will which wanted to befriend azrael in specific. clinging onto him, knowing that azrael could be the one person to understand his troubles. kenix is very much aware of his fate being abruptly ended at some point and he knows that it will come soon. It is only a matter of time. following the orders of prometheus is the only way he can buy himself time to survive. Because he Needs to.

He must persist and keep living. he grasped at the concept of him being allowed to live only if he brings value to others for this long that. he just couldn't bear the thought of becoming Nothing if he wasn't anything of such value. seeking attention and validation through all means possible. all of his terrific actions had no reason other than desperation for recognition behind them. A villain who seemed to be enjoying all of this has only done this for the sake of surviving an another day.

Yet. every time kenix wanted to actually open up to azrael, it turns into a blockage in his throat. Unable to speak up, becoming a voiceless being of some sorts., , the reason being the fear of rejection in his soul. Kenix had to grasp at anything that would've given him a purpose. being prometheus's vessel was exactly done out of that desperation he wasn't even aware of. without the facade, kenix is No One. there is No One behind his carefully curated formal facade. Nothing but an incoherent mess. kenix lacks an identity. But the lack of it, then, is his identity: nothingness, absolute null. All of his emotions and feelings have always been repressed and they continue to be repressed even now. So no matter how hard he tries to differentiate himself from others, he'll end up being someone unintentionally because there is No Originality in him. And that is exactly how there is nothing about his real "self" that he thinks people would want to stay for.

with how much kenix has been repressing his emotions, discarding them and thinking of them as "fake" because he thinks that anything he felt emotionally is a lie. Because he built his whole self on a lie. A lie that he wanted this. he has now managed to lie to himself. thinking that the affection and love he holds for azrael is not real. That their bond is not real. That if he tried to show what he has been hiding behind his front for years, he would drive azrael away from him. When their relationship very much is real! kenix has no idea how to tell what was true and what was fake in him apart, so he just decided to think that everything he feels is a lie

yet. The repressed feelings, the suppressed emotions. They're all still there. Forming an incoherent mess inside of his mind and body. but even then without that mass of emotions, there is nothing else about kenix that is distinct. pure nothingness. and it Truly Scares him to even think of a scenario where azrael finds out what hollow husk of a man kenix is beneath his facade. The fear that azrael would be disgusted. That he would see him as a lowly creature. so kenix can never be truly honest about himself with azrael out of fear that the only person who understood him will leave. he tries to be so careful when talking to azrael lest he would let something about him slip. he can't just lose someone him, no.

but azrael is patient with him, he always has been. he shall wait all the needed time until kenix finally gathers the courage. he may not know what kenix has been meaning to tell him this entire time, but he can see his attempts ever so clearly. kenix is trying his best and azrael wants to make sure that kenix knows that it's alright. azrael may not be an overly kind and positive person but. If it means that someone who needs to be reassured will hear it. Well then. . . yet kenix could never be able to wrap his head around how that could be true. because of how much he was used to the lie he convinced himself with. he has told himself the same thing over and over again so many times that finally being told the opposite truth is just Shocking to him. the fact that someone doesn't want him for his value but for who he is a person

to bring back a previous point, kenix's problem with ken too, is just how much ken makes kenix realize that he is the extra one of the two. Ken had a normal life, he had a normal family, he had everything, ken had it all !. and kenix had nothing to himself. All of it - stolen. it is not even his own physical body, but the body of the original. he is perceived as someone else, he is not distinct from that someone at all in the eyes of others. despite all of his attempts to show himself as an independent person, he will forever be considered. A shadow of someone else. a shadow of the original and it pains him. and now azrael and the other sinners are the only people to ever treat kenix like a person. not like he is somebody else. But his own self. And he couldn't be more grateful that they do. That Azrael Does.

yet he can't be honest. No. No that would destroy everything he has built. everything he has worked for. but the desire. The wish to stay true to the only person he ever would consider being honest with. it has only grown stronger. The reason why he hasn't managed to tell azrael anything is solely because kenix simply felt like it wasn't the time. it will never be the time. so his one and only option was to finally tell azrael his real name. Yi Dal. although it doesn't seem like much, azrael understood the importance of this to kenix. from connecting the pieces of kenix's past story from everything he has ever told him, he could figure out that kenix only has bad associations with his real name regarding his past.

maybe. Just maybe. he could change his view on his real name, the same way kenix changed his view on his surroundings. To become the positive association that is worth remembering whenever kenix is referred by his real name. To be that something to look back at fondly.

And then the Creature™ phases come around with each of them turning into some sorts of fucken beasts ^_^. the cursed forms that in all shapes and forms represent their desires and their inner selves. for each sinner and other curse bearers, these forms are different. but for azrael and kenix.

azrael's form is completely unable to speak in full sentences. it barely speaks Actually. seeming to be straight-forward but it only just shows how azrael was not able to speak out what he thought. he was all action and no talk. which is exactly how his rampage started. he only came to conclusions from so much overthinking and hasn't tried to communicate with anyone. he just thought ot everyone as a traitor and shallow people. it really highlighted just how much he trusted his jealousy and envy rather than confirming things for himself

yet the creature seemed. More over fine with kenix's presence. Like he wasn't just a little friendly being to him! he still lashed out and acted irrationally because this form reflected on azrael's loses and overthinking that jumps straight into conclusions! but he still acted less aggressive with kenix. he didn't need to overthink his actions because of the trust he has in kenix. a bond that was stronger than the envy whispering all sorts of things into his ears. He Knows that he doesn't have to doubt him. yet he is Stuck in this box. a labyrinth of constant hesitation to Trust not only others but himself too. he wishes to free himself from such shackles but it is hard. it has always been hard to let go and change his mindset when it always was his only defense mechanism from being hurt. all of these struggles shaping themselves as a scorpion, a serpent, a venomous creature. something that symbolizes hidden danger. and yet, kenix has found beauty and something to love in such a devasting depiction of his partner. the purest way to show what he truly felt. how much he just hid this somewhere inside of himself. something that he couldn't help but feel pity for

and kenix shall do anything to prove that even then. it's going to be okay. he knows it's okay. azrael has always told him it is alright to feel like this, so surely he meant it for everyone? all struggles will pass eventually and you'll become stronger than ever, that's what azrael has told him a long time ago. even if kenix doesn't see a future for himself, he wants to make that promising future for his only love. To help him become resilient Together. He knows that azrael can do it, he had been through so much. he know he could get through this as well and break free from the curse.

and as for kenix's cursed form and the overrall story it is. So much more .? ?. his cursed form is much more bizarre compared to others. a constant variation of geometrical shapes and other possible physical forms, emiting a some sort of glow. He has lost all of his human characteristics. The true form of his self. the mass of emotions and feelings that have been repressed for decades, even centuries, has finally spilled over. creating a mess out of himself. A fool now no longer bound to a facade but is now letting all of that anguish out. so much madness, frustration and sorrow suppressed in him that is now out in the open for everyone to see. a being no longer able to communicate, for he has turned into something that is only capable of Wails. Sobs out loud. Muffled screams of agony. so many emotions he had yet to properly address yet that it is all coming in as an overwhelming wave of terror. he can no longer hide himself beside a neatly made front

a seemingly unapologetic "villain" reduced to a sorrowful creature. a being so clearly desperate for freedom. to know who he is. to finally be free from these principles chaining him to a life of silence until his death. he feels that his demise is coming soon. and he can't do anything about it. for now he can only be a hostile monster. a vessel, a prophet for prometheus's salvation. because this was planned to be his end a long long time ago. this was his purpose. his only value. once this is done, he will be gone for too. finishing his duty, being allowed rest. despite how much he yearns to keep living. but kenix has always been about acceptance. acceptance of his fate. This Miserable Fate

yet azrael found himself only feeling sympathy, for this was the moment that he has finally learned about his partner's true feelings. and it hurt to hear someone so important and dear to him wallow in pain and anguish like that. that version of kenix was a hostile being, but he still so clearly needed help. he needed the courage to overcome this. to break free from prometheus's influence over everything he did because he never had confidence in such actions. and azrael wanted to help with just that despite their current barrier where they cannot understand one another. just like kenix helped him, he wanted to help kenix create his own future to look forward to. without death. with azrael by his side. to survive. to keep living just like kenix desired to this whole time.

the end of their chapters as cursed beings meant that the both of them could finally experience relief together. a moment of Bliss. the realization that it is over. they get to exist, unshackled from the burdens that once plagued their minds. a possibility for salvation. a chance to live without being bound to their past or their inner desires. just peace and tranquility, their one true wish

But Uh Oh! Bad News Motherfuckers! Y'all forgot this shit was a death timeloop! With how i previously mentioned that the actual protagonist of the story, Yaku, has started a timeloop rooted in the desire of saving what meant the world to him that was dying at the end of the journey. The same kind of important people who cruelly had their lives cut short. And The only other character aware of this timeloop was well. Kenix! with this sudden ending of lives for most of the casts, azrael had also became a victim to these abrupt endings.

having to witness his love's life fade away before his eyes, it is only natural for kenix to also be shocked at the situation that yaku is also stuck in. and this scenario is exactly how yaku became the last one to be cursed, his curse rooted in his one biggest desire. a selfish deed covered up as an act of selflessness. their timelines' restarting, the flow of time now looping on and on until yaku manages to save everyone from these deaths

kenix had no control over this, he was forced to watch the protagonist and his nephew descend into madness over a singular goal. while also having to relive his entire life over and over again. a cycle of misery for everyone involved. the others would never be able to realize that this was a timeloop, so the first and the original time they had done this. Has became their script. that everyone, including kenix, had to follow until the end

of course in the first few loops, kenix had also tried to do everything in his power to ensure that his friends. that azrael. would be safe from their gruesome demise. yet their endings had already been written as part of the unchangeable fate by the forces above. neither kenix or yaku had a chance at succeeding. despite kenix's own attempts to save his partner, there was nothing he could do. he could only Watch how his impending doom was slowly getting closer

it was Painful. he could see azrael, he feel him, talk to him, interact with him in general just like normal. yet it wasn't him. no that could never be azrael ever again. that azrael felt surreal. abnormal. like he was programmed beforehand. there was nothing new about him and he felt so Off. Because kenix was aware that this is just the repeating of their original story. it's like he talked to someone playing pretend. his original feeling of "this doesn't feel real (positive)" when he first met azrael has turned into "this doesn't feel real. (derogatory)" kind of feeling. seeing azrael like this was just tormenting. a painful reminder that he will, one day, leave him not by will. and kenix will have to learn to live without him

to live without the person who had shown him love and how to love for the first time ever. a someone who had changed the course of his life so much. brought down what kenix had thought of the world and built it anew. keeping his silence about the truth because now. it was the only the thing that he could never ever tell azrael. what he had seen that day. None of it. for his sake.

perhaps, if they had never met here. if they had met at a different time.

In short, they are so fucking Doomed.

smth smth. Yeag. Good Fucking Lord They Make Me Sick