#I was literally baffled AFTER I listened to its entirety and started looking into it further

[sooibian]

Trespassing is Prohibited!

Pairing: Baekhyun x Fem!Reader ft. Chanyeol

Genre: Fluff! Fluff! Fluff! Crack. Friends to Lovers AU, University AU (ish) 

Description: Byun Baekhyun has had enough. He finally wants to ‘man up’ and make you his. But things continue to spiral out of control all thanks to his friend, philosopher, and guide (a.k.a. The Worst Wingman Ever) Park Chanyeol.

Warnings: A very rambly Baekhyun and a longwinding confession

Word Count: + 3k

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“You want me to talk about the weather?” Baekhyun squeaked into the phone after having breathed in helium from the blown up balloon in his hand.

“The weather, politics...the economy even.” Heaving slightly, Chanyeol spoke after a moment, his usual gruff and masculine voice reduced to a wafer thin high pitched squeal, sending Baekhyun into a fit of helium suffused giggles.

Taking another drag off of the balloon, Baekhyun warbled and piped, “Say...say that again. Say economy again!”

“Eco...econo-” Chanyeol’s extreme outburst of laughter at the sound of his own voice, rendered him unable to pronounce the final syllable.

All along, you stood at the door, comfortably leaning against its frame and eavesdropping on their conversation or the blatant lack thereof. Chanyeol suddenly wanted Baekhyun to talk about the weather, politics, and the economy? You thought you’d grown immune to your best friends’ antics but they continued to up the ante and left you baffled, amused, or both every single time. 

You cleared your throat to catch Baekhyun’s attention but it fell on deaf ears. He rolled around in bed, breathing in helium, laughing hysterically, chanting the words ‘economy, weather, and politics’.

“BAEKHYUN!” You screamed at last. He scrambled to face you, wearing an expression of a deer caught in the headlights. You finally had the entirety of Baekhyun’s eight second attention span all to yourself.

“YAH! YAH! YAH! What are you doing here?” Baekhyun retaliated and then whispered something into his phone, stuffed it inside his pocket, straightened his shirt and sat primly on the edge of the bed like a child who’d been caught eating forbidden candy. He threw you an accusatory glance but there was an unmistakable hint of embarrassment and panic in his eyes.

Peering over your glasses, you snapped at him, “I’ve come to pick up my phone charger because you obviously lacked the courtesy to return it!”

“Oh!” His lips protruded into a pout and he tilted his head to the side as if in deep thought, “I’ll bring it over in the evening.”

“Why are you acting so….dazed and confused?” Slouching, you took careful, deliberate steps towards the bed and sat down next to him. Leaning into his frame, you sniffed his neck and whispered, “Are you...Baekhyun don’t tell me you’re on something!”

Levelling his face with yours, he searched your eyes before flicking your forehead in response to your wild allegation. “Shut up! The audacity! You’re the one barging into my house in the middle of the day. Trespassing is prohibited!”

Confused, you pulled away from him and asked, “What are you saying?”

The corners of his lips drooped. Brows knit together, he replied, “You should’ve called first!”

His extremely out of character standoffishness made you uncomfortable. You were clearly not interrupting anything other than a helium infused gala which, truth be told, you were greatly annoyed at not being invited to. Neither were you inconveniencing him in any way. You were to simply fetch the electronic device and head home. And this wasn’t anything out of character for you either. You’d always felt free to walk into his goshiwon as you did your own. Yet, here he was, dark hair unkempt, dressed in his usual baggy clothes, accusing you - his best friend, his emergency contact, the one he moved cities with for University, the only one who had the passcode to his goshiwon - of breaking and entering. You knew Baekhyun since the day you’d learnt to walk and in all these years he’d made you feel a lot of emotions - happiness, sadness, mostly anger but not once had he made you feel unwelcome. 

Your heart sank to your stomach at this abrupt coldness.

“Baekhyun, you took my charger, remember? My phone died.” Fighting the lump in your throat, you explained politely and proceeded to rummage his desk drawers for the said item.

“Wait!” He came trotting after you barefooted as you dashed out of his room. He grabbed your wrist to hold you firmly in place. 

While you were no stranger to physical contact with Baekhyun, these past three months since your break up had started to get increasingly excruciating for you. A slight brush of his hand with yours sent tingles through your skin, made your cheeks flame, your legs turned to jelly, and alarms blared inside your head. At first you thought it was just your hormones messing with you - he was an attractive man and you’d only recently been deprived of love and attention but you’d slowly begun to realize it was something far beyond that. Something you had an inherent knowledge of but were not quite ready to confront yet. 

“I’m leaving.” You replied matter-of-factly. Yanking your hand free from his grasp, you didn’t bother to look at him. “Helium makes you stupid!” You yelled instead, and banged the main door shut behind you.

.

.

.

After a week of radio silence (though he was still clearly avoiding you at campus) Byun Baekhyun had finally started texting you again and you realized that he was now a changed man.

He'd gotten...boring.

Every morning he'd send you a no effort good morning text along with, lo and behold, weather updates! Bland messages ending with the same emoji. Mostly alternating between 'Good morning! Don't forget to wear a mask today, the fine dust level is scary! ☺️' and 'Good morning! Don't forget to carry an umbrella today, it might rain! ☺️'

You'd almost always reply with a disinterested 👍 but he remained undeterred. 

Now it was as if Baekhyun and Chanyeol came as a package. The duo seemed to be joined at the hip and they walked in the opposite direction every time they caught you approaching them. Movements frantic, whispering in each other’s ears as if they were plotting to start a rebellion to overthrow the Government. But the Morning Daily from Baekhyun remained unchanged. Until one day, you snapped and replied with an emoji depicting another special digit used to indicate an entirely different sentiment from the sweet old 👍.

.

.

.

Later that evening you were dressed up for a double date set up by your classmate Jiwoo, your only “friend” other than Baekhyun and Chanyeol. She was to introduce you to her boyfriend’s friend who she thought was your type. Not looking for anything more than just a stress free and light evening, you decided to dress to the nines, let your hair down, and forget all about Baekhyun’s pigheadedness. 

Dabbing on just a hint of blush along your cheekbones, you gave yourself a quick once over in the mirror. It was then that a familiar beeping reached your ears and you rushed out of your bedroom to greet the unexpected visitor with a snarky comment.

“Trespassing is prohibited!” Crossing your arms over your chest, you glared at Baekhyun through your glasses. Dressed in a black hoodie, head covered in the Nike cap you’d gifted him for his birthday, twirling a pen between his fingers he just stood there, smiling sheepishly with a bag from your favourite desserts cafe in his other hand. It seemed like he’d come straight to yours after his lectures.

His gaze hesitantly roved over you and he questioned softly, “Going somewhere?”

Slinging a shoulder bag on, you averted your eyes and remarked, “It’s none of your business.” 

“Yah! Don’t be like that”, he said with a soft chuckle yet his voice bore a hint of dejection and apology.

“That’s rich coming from you. Allow me to remind you how strange you and Chanyeol have been acting since the last two weeks!”

“I’m - I’m ready to..talk about it.” He quipped, awkwardly proceeding to put the box of desserts in the refrigerator. He then very comfortably took a seat at the kitchen table.

Hands on hips, you sauntered to the main door and shook your head, gesturing for him to leave. “Not today, Baek. I’m running late.”

He pulled back the chair next to his, and drummed his fingers on the table nervously. “Come sit. I won’t take too long. I promise.”

Letting out a deep sigh, you dragged your feet to the table and slumped into the chair.

“You look nice.” Lips stretched into a thin line, he stole a glance at you and said to his cuticles instead. 

“BAEKHYUN!”

“Okay..okay sorry… so the day you came home?”

“Please stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Drawing out sentences in a question.”

Inhaling deeply, a slightly irate Baekhyun replied, “I’m trying okay.”

“Listen, first of all I am really annoyed at not being invited to that helium balloon call? So I’d advise you to think twice before saying anything stupid. Tell me...why did you two think it was a good idea -”

Embarrassed, he interrupted to get that part of the discussion out of the way. “Chanyeol and I just wanted to know what we sounded like… over the phone, you know? We sounded..err...squeakier.”

“Okay...I hate to say this but ...makes sense, I guess? Why wasn’t I invited?”

“Because - ”

You leaned in closer, questioning eyes locked with his.

“Because -”

“Baek, I’m running late!”

“It’s because we were talking about you!”

“No? You were talking about politics -”

“Politics, weather and -”

‘The economy’ The two of you said in unison, face averted from each other to keep from laughing at the recent memory of Chanyeol’s oddly peculiar way of saying it.

“Yes..so Chanyeol and I were discussing how you probably don’t see me as a man? Like … a man man?”

Face scrunched into an expression of pure confusion, your mouth fell open to answer Baekhyun but no words came out. His lower lip had begun to wobble slightly and he rubbed his palms on his thighs before continuing. “He was of the opinion -”

“You’re literally the only one to ever pay heed to Loey’s opinions!”

“Yah! Don’t shit talk my Loey!”

“Yah! He’s my Loey too! Moving on”, pinching the bridge of your nose, you urged him to continue with a curt nod.

Baekhyun straightened his spine, threw his shoulders back and explained, “We had a thought.” 

“Both of you? The same one?”

“Ye-yes?”

“This is not going to end well. I can feel it in my bones.”

“Can you stop acting like you’re better than us? Just for a moment?”

“Fine! Go ahead.”

“We thought that it was about time you started to see me that way.”

“That way?”

“The way you used to look at your greasy vermin of an ex?”

“With sheer contempt and disgust?”

“That was after. I mean like before.” Hands balled into fists, Baekhyun looked at your expectantly.

“I don’t get it.”

He gave you an exaggerated smile as if to centre himself before throwing more vague questions your way. “What is the one thing - the only thing - I can actually cook?”

“Haejangguk?”

“Exactly! Do you get it now?”

“I have a thousand of reasons ...or ideas as to how you and Chanyeol would manage to relate Haejangguk with politics, weather, and the economy but I’d rather not dive into that cesspool. Instead I’ll allow you to explain.”

Baekhyun’s eyebrows shot up in concern as he explained softly, “Haejangguk helps with your hangovers. It took me fourteen tries to master! And it was Loey who ate every single spoilt batch. Without any complaints!”

“I wouldn’t say you’re any good at it even now but...sure whatever.” Rolling your eyes, you murmured.

Your phone chimed with a text from Jiwoo but before you could answer, Baekhyun snatched it from your hands and shoved it in the pocket of his hoodie.

“Pay attention. This is more important than that loser you’re going to meet.”

“Baekhyun!”

“No, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch you go from one idiot to another.”

“I’ve literally only dated two guys! Why are you suddenly getting territorial?”

“I am not getting territorial! What I’m saying is…  I spent these two weeks rehearsing the right thing to say to you but - screw that! And listen. You cannot do this anymore!”

“Do what?”

“You cannot waltz into my thoughts anytime you like! For instance I’m eating a tangerine, I think of how it would magically taste sweeter if I could only share it with you. Your face suddenly flashes before my eyes and I lose my mind while I’m doing the most mundane things like riding the subway or having a meal or talking to someone. I go grocery shopping and the first thing I pick up is strawberry milk and it’s not even my favourite! But I bought a whole damn carton because you love strawberry milk! I have cucumbers! Cucumbers! In my fridge because what if you crave oi muchim with your ramen some day and woe betide me if I DO NOT HAVE CUCUMBERS! I waste 4,050 Won every week on cucumbers but it DOES NOT MATTER because it would be nothing short of a tragedy if you want something and I can’t give it to you. Like, have you looked at yourself when you get upset? When your lips stretch into a thin line and your eyes ever so slightly lose their sparkle. It makes me want to pluck the bloody stars from the sky and lay them at your feet if it means that I can make you smile again. Do you know how warm you are? I mean, like, physically warm. Especially when you’ve woken up from a nap. So, so warm. I feel like wrapping you in my arms, putting your head on my chest and just...staying like that. Freezing the moment in time. Freezing the moment in time! Look at what you’ve done to me! I'm saying these cheesy things and I'm doing boring things like studying politics and understanding the state of affairs and keeping up with fine dust levels just so that you see me differently! So that I can somehow make you believe that you can rely on me. Think of me as more than just a friend who used to pull your pigtails back in the day.” 

The beat of your heart boomed in your ears. You hugged your coat tighter around yourself as if to conceal its conspicuous sound. Your throat felt dry and your spine liquified in the face of his overwhelming confession. You had a million things to say to him. And there was one specific thing you were dying to do the moment your eyes landed on his soft, strawberry pink lips.

Eyebrow cocked, you said in a low whisper. “Why not buy a jar of oi muchim instead? It’ll surely last longer than a week.” 

He buried his face in his hands and let out a shallow, pained wail and continued. “I'm done.” He looked up at you. Eyes droopy, lips pouty. “Put me out of my misery. Look, if you don't like me back the way I like you just ...forget that I said any of this. We can go back to being what we were at 7 o’clock. It's 7:30 now, we can rewind, 30 minutes. But don't...don't...what the hell how can you just sit there and act like you're watching a freaking movie. React! Say something! Actually...don't! Oh my god this is a trainwreck! I had rehearsed the right thing to say...but I got distracted by the indentations on the corners of your lips..I think I'm having a full blown breakdown… I just want to - ugh!"

"You just want to what, Baekhyunnie?"

You took his fists in your hands, eased them open and laced your fingers with his.

He clamped his eyes shut, slouched to make himself small, and muttered. "Don't call me that!"

Giggling softly, you repeated, "Baekhyunnie?"

Baekhyun flicked his eyes open. Unabashedly studying the curve of your lips, he whispered ‘Stop.’ His hand gently rested on your cheek, eyes seeking approval. You nodded in response, feeling your face flame. His honeyed gaze darkened as he leaned in closer, a sweet scent of bubblegum wafting in the space between you. His hand found the back of your neck, lips ever so slightly parted. Finding his movements excruciatingly slow you gravitated towards him while your breath hitched in your throat. He took your hand and placed it on his chest as his silken lips melted into yours. He held you like you were fragile, like he was experiencing the sensation of your skin on his for the very first time, committing every slight brush, every single touch to memory. You felt the wild hammering of his heart against your fingers despite the thickness of his cozy hoodie, your own reacting in likeliness. 

Baekhyun held you by your shoulders and gently pulled away, breaking the most delectable first kiss you’d ever had. Tilting his head to the side he looked at you briefly before making vague hand gestures and shaking his head. He opened his mouth to say something but found himself at a loss for words. Face flushed, he opened his mouth again after a while only to clamp it shut. 

Byun Baekhyun was processing.

After having had your fun with his perplexity, you smiled at him and raised an eyebrow questioningly, prodding him to speak.

“So...does this mean we’re?” He asked, voice faintly tremulous.

Pursing your lips to stifle a giggle you teased, “Yeah?”

“Am I your...I mean...are you my….girl-girlfriend?” Averting his eyes from yours, he inquired, while shyly rubbing the back of his neck.

Half shrugging, you answered, “Depends.”

Baekhyun’s face fell. “Depends?!” He exclaimed, almost in falsetto.

"Depends on whether you want to continue sending me daily weather updates.” You deadpanned.

“This feels like a trick question.”

“Yes or no?”

“N-no?”

“Then, yes. Byun Baekhyun, congratulations, you’ve earned the unequivocal and irrevocable right to call me your girlfriend.”

“Does it mean that you didn’t like the new and improved version of me?” He asked hesitantly, face clouded over with caution.

“That wasn’t the Baekhyunnie I fell for.”

“Yah!” Surprised at your sudden blurry confession, his eyes grew into large brown circles but the moment his gaze met with yours, his expression softened again. He smiled sheepishly and spoke tenderly, “Okay...noted. You too can call me your”, he cleared his throat, took your hand in his, placed a soft kiss on it and used his most dulcet voice to say, “boyfriend.”

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A/N: hello, hello @you-did-well-moon​ hope you enjoyed this very cheesy confession from Baekhyun! 

@exolssecretsanta​

[chalkmarkers]

hq characters and how they’d react to you holding their hand for the first time pt. 1

includes: karasuno and nekoma

a/n: this is my first headcannon and i honestly did NOT expect to write this much but i was having a big brain moment so i hope you all enjoy :) part two will include fukurodani, aoba johsai, and shiratorizawa <3

hinata - this boy is dramatic about everything, his face turns beat red as your skin makes contact with his. he will look at you, look at your hand, look back at you, back at your hand, at least 4 times. After calming down from stuttering for almost a whole minute, he realizes hes not imagining it, and his face lights up with joy and pride as he continues to walk- no, SKIP to your destination swinging your hand enthusiastically. all you can do is giggle at the bright ball of joy and skip along with him

kageyama- this man does not know how to react at ALL. all he knows is he has to look cool. at first glance he looks unphased, but upon closer inspection you can see the tips of his ears are bright red as hes trying to hold back the giddiest smile. eventually he gives your hand a nice lil squeeze of affirmation and looks the other way as you continue walking

yamaguchi- a flustered mess honestly, and adorable at that. he’ll flinch a little as your hand first grabs his and his face will light up. hes not sure what to say or do about it but on the inside hes just so happy to have you, so after a few seconds of him trying to hide his obvious blush and calm his composure, he’ll interlock your fingers and give you the softest smile ever

tsukishima- tsukki isnt really one for physical affection, so it takes a while before you can get the courage to hold his hand. youre walking to school together and youre still quite far from the building, so there arent many people around if any, so you decide its the perfect opportunity. once your fingers first meet his, he flinches and pulls away ever so slightly. he’ll slightly glance at you questionably and see your expression drop after his rejection. he hates seeing you even the smallest bit upset so this hurt him a bit. his face softens as he looks away and grabs your hand ever so slightly. your surprised look then beaming smile at him is something he can’t resist and his lips form the biggest smile you’ve seen from him yet (which is still pretty small). you hold his hand will joy and pride all the way until you get closer to the school and more people start to gather around, which signals his release from his grasp. he truly appreciates and adores how much you respect his boundaries and if youre patient enough, he’ll be holding your hand all the way to the classroom

nishinoya - similar to hinata, noya is very dramatic about this encounter. He will stop dead in his tracks and simply stare at your interlocked hands for a while, wiggling his fingers and inspecting your hand, almost to confirm that what is happening is real. After a good minute he’ll look up at you and give you the biggest smile you’ve ever seen as he literally jumps with joy and pride as he too will skip to your destination, dragging you along with him as he screams in excitement

tanaka- tanaka.exe has stopped working. He’ll be pretty casual about it at first, not really noticing the contact, but after a few seconds he finally realizes that you are in fact holding hands. This simple interaction is enough to fill tanaka to the brim with joy, pride, excitement, and embarrassment. He’d be a blushing mess, but, like kageyama, he will try to keep a cool facade. He’s now switched into protective mode and is glaring daggers at any man you pass by, causing you to laugh and adore how protective and sweet he is. After this, you can expect him to be holding your hand everywhere you go from now on ;)

daichi - Daichi isn’t as reactive as the others, but on the inside hes just as flustered and happy as he can be. He’ll be surprised by the sudden contact at first, giving your hand a glance as you interlock your fingers with his. He takes a moment to really notice how small your hands are compared to his and he finds this absolutely adorable. He’ll look up at you and simply take in your beauty, truly appreciating that you are now his as he brings your hand up to his lips and places a soft kiss on the back of your palm, causing you to slightly blush. Your gaze never leaves in front of you and yet you can still see the soft smile daichi has on his face as you continue to walk

sugawara- suga would be a nice combination of daichi and noya, immediately blushing the second your hand meets his. Hed be stuttering for a few seconds after that, trying to really take in just how adorable you are. This simple interaction pulls at the poor boys heart strings so hard he has to grip his chest just to calm down his racing heart beat. All it takes is one look at you and that precious smile to calm him down almost instantly. He takes a minute to just gaze at your features, taking in the entirety of your beauty. The boy can’t help but smile lovingly at you as all he can say after that is a simple but heartfelt “i love you”

asahi - much to your surprise, asahi is calmer than you thought he would be. As soon as the tip of your finger meets his, your hand melts into his, almost like he had been waiting for it. He grips your hand so softly as this time, you're the one to be surprised at the sudden gesture. You look down at his hand to see him gently rubbing circles against the back of your palm with his thumb. You look up to see him already staring back at you. A soft grin planted on his face, one that doesn’t leave for the entire duration of the walk. While on any other day, asahi would be nervous and flustered by the sudden interaction, something about today told him all he needed was the touch of your hand in his, and he was more than happy to accept your hand fully

kuroo- kuroo had been teasing you all day, leaving you quiet flustered as the two of you walk to the train station after school. He had finally given it a rest as he went on talking about just about anything he could think of. You listened in adoration as he went on and on about one thing after another. Almost instinctively your hand reached up to grab his, which shut him up IMMEDIATELY. You looked up at him confused to see his face painted red all over, simply staring at your hand interlocked with his. This boy’s reaction is absolutely adorable, reaching his free hand up to cover up his face as he seems to subconsciously squeeze your hand,,, a little too tight. He notices your fingers loosen in his hand as he realizes hes squeezing too hard and immediately softens his grip, wanting nothing more than to have your hand in his forever. He tries his best to recover as quick as he can as he goes right back to teasing you, this time twice as much, leaving you to look away in embarrassment. All kuroo can do is chuckle and look at you with the most adoration ever. He’s so lucky to have someone like you in his life and he doesn’t intend to let you go.

kenma- of course mans always has his game in his hands when going anywhere, so holding his hand was a bit difficult to do. You had to somehow get him to put his game down so you could even get the chance. You had absolutely no idea what could possibly get him to put that thing down, so you thought the best thing to do would to be to grab his hand before he could even reach for his game, and thats just what you did. You couldn’t do it in school knowing that kenma wasn’t the biggest fan of pda, so you decided to wait for him to pick you up one morning to initiate your plan. He never has his game in his hand when he first comes to your door, simply out of respect, so right as you open the door to greet him, you take your chance. Greeting him with a smile, he asks if your ready to go, you reply with a giddy “yup” as you grab his hand and start walking. Kenma is baffled to say the least by this sudden interaction, and at first he’s not sure how he feels about it. But seeing the smile on your face as you were finally able to hold his hand clears his mind almost instantly as he simply smiles at you and gives your hand a soft squeeze. He didn’t even think about his games once on your walk

yaku- yaku is very similar to suga, except more cocky. He’ll be walking you to school, simply checking up on your health, asking how you’ve been, if you ate, drank water, etc. which made you really appreciate how much the small boy really cared about you. It was an almost subconscious reaction to reach for his hand and once you realized what you were doing, you hesitated ever so slightly, buuuuuut it was too late as your fingers were already touching his. Noticing your slight hesitation yaku takes initiative and grabs your hand firmly, still going on about your health and other daily things. You look up to see a faint yet very noticeable blush spread across his cheeks and ears, causing you to smile, yaku notices, which only makes his blush grow more as he gives your hand a gentle squeeze. Little do you know the man was internally screaming the second he felt your fingers touch his

lev- lev had been resting his arm on your head once again, teasing you about your height as if he himself wasn’t a walking beanpole. Quite frustrated with his constant teasing, you simply grabbed his hand from atop your head and held it to your side. Lev is of course taken aback by this, his face burning up. But hey, he;s stopped teasing you, so it’s a win for you,,, orrrrrr so you think. As soon as lev regains his composure he immediately goes back to teasing you about how you’re so short your have to reach up just to hold his hand, which of course being the petty one you are, makes you let go, causing lev’s personality to do a complete 180 again. He almost instantly grabs your hand once again, quite embarrassed, this time only walking in a comfortable silence as all he can think is how cute you look holding his hand, he of course wont say this to you though

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[unhealthyfanobsession]

The Originals Season 5, Episode 1. Those Europe spoilers started my mind on a path I could not control and this was born. It is very rough but I just had to get it out of my head and onto a page. Enjoy my take on Klaroline’s first meeting since 2014.

           Caroline is sitting in her office at the Salvatore boarding school having just done her final check to ensure everyone is in their rooms as they should be. It’s past curfew after all. She is about to start grading a few assignments when her cell phone rings. The word Rebekah takes over the entirety of her screen and for a moment she is confused. First, confused because she has changed phone’s so many times since she and Rebekah had last seen each other that she is shocked her number remains in the contacts (this confusion is quickly rectified when she realizes most of the Mikaelson’s are in there as emergency contacts for Hope). Second, because she hasn’t heard from or seen Rebekah in like a decade. It is curiosity more than anything that has her pressing the green “accept” button.

           “Hello?” she asks cautiously

           “Caroline” Rebekah says, her tone not snippy, sarcastic or bitchy, which surprises Caroline immensely. Perhaps the years have been a growing experience for the youngest original “how are you?”

           She is taken aback by the question, the familiarity of it, as though they call each other all the time just to chat “I am alright, how are you Rebekah?” her voice comes out more formal than anticipated

           “Could be better, and I am so hoping you will help with that” ah, there’s the Rebekah Caroline knows and kind of tolerated at one point

           “Is this about Hope?”

           “Indirectly, yes”

           “Then I’m happy to help. Anything to make the students more comfortable”

           “Oh I am so happy to hear you say that” Rebekah responds, mischief in her voice

           “I feel as though I have walked into a trap” Caroline sighs

           “Only if you consider an all expense paid first class trip to Barcelona a trap”

           Caroline can feel her eyebrows raise “what’s the catch?”

           “Well” Rebekah starts, and she sounds almost… desperate? If that is even something Rebekah can feel, she isn’t one for begging “the last time I spoke to Hayley she told me that Hop has been asking for um, her father a lot lately”

           Caroline nods her head “of course she has, the man just up and disappeared for over half her life, personally I can’t relate to the idea of not seeing Klaus in a decade being a negative thing, but Hope is young still, she has much to learn”

           “Well that is what I wanted to talk to you about” Rebekah says “as you know, my family must stay apart from each other to protect Hope-”

           “Yes, I was glad to hear that the Mikaelson’s appear to be about as functional of a family as ever”

           “We do what we have to” Rebbekah says darkly and Caroline feels a pang of guilt in her chest. This can’t be easy for them. Whatever else they are and however they torture each other, the Mikaelson’s love each other more than anything

           “I’m not sure how this involves me”

           “Klaus has decided to bugger off to Europe and be a gigantic self loathing ass, spewing some nonsense about Hope being better off without him and blah blah blah. He stopped taking my phone calls years ago but my sources tell me he is in Barcelona and since Hope is so distraught over him and I obviously cannot go to him myself and drag the pompous twat back to the continental USA, I was hoping you could act as my proxy”. Rebekah’s words click with the previous offer of an all expense paid trip and Caroline can feel the no ready to rip its way out of her throat, but Rebekah speaks again “Please, Caroline. You know I wouldn’t call you unless there was no other option, and you did say you would do anything for your students” she prattles on in such a syrupy sweet voice that Caroline can practically hear her eyelashes batting

           “I don’t understand” she responds simply, pushing her hair out of her eyes “why me? Why not Hayley? Or that new magical Mikaelson that I heard popped up? Or even Kol’s wife for that matter- still super weird to say based on the Kol that I knew by the way- or literally anyone that he met, talked to, and had a relationship in the last decade”

           Rebekah scoffs audibly “tell me Caroline, are you completely obtuse or are you simply trying to torture me by forcing me to say it out loud”

           “Insults, awesome, what a fantastic way to treat someone you’re asking for a favor. Glad to see some things never change”

           “You seriously don’t know?”

           “Don’t know what?” Caroline growls, slightly frustrated by this point

           Rebekah sighs, “everything I am about to say is for the good of my precious niece and in no way reflects my personal opinion of you, Caroline Forbes” she starts “he’s in love with you. He’s still in love with you. He never stopped being in love with you. Don’t ask me why but you and that stupid little town really did change him, for the better. He has never listened to anyone the way he listens to you. If I send Hayley or Freya to him he will just snap their neck and hop a plane to a new continent. He won’t do that to you, I know it. Furthermore, nobody talks to him the way you do- well, I have in the past but it’s gotten me a dagger to the chest” she pauses for a moment “there I said it. Are you happy?”

           Caroline is stunned silent for a moment and when sound does leave her it is not what Rebekah was expecting. She laughs, like seriously laughs as though she has heard the funniest joke on the planet “are you insane?” she asks still laughing “he had a crush on me years ago, I doubt he’d even let me get a word out, there is absolutely nothing to stop him from snapping my neck.”

           “I am not going to spend hours of my time on the phone trying to convince you that my brother is in love with you. I just need you to trust me when I say that I have known him a thousand years longer than you and trust me, he will not snap your neck”

           Caroline sighs, not wanting to accept what Rebekah is saying so instead she changes the subject “even if I wanted to help you, I have a school to run, I can’t just abandon all my other students to go on a possible suicide mission to help one”

           “I know he is human, but I should hope that Alaric can handle a school full of magical brats for a week”

           Caroline sighs. Again. “Fine” she grits out “but mostly because I could really use a vacation. Also if Klaus kills me you have to donate 5 million dollars to the school so it doesn’t fall into disarray”

           “I am not agreeing to that because if Klaus kills you I will die of shock before I can pay anything”

           Caroline rolls her eyes “when do I leave”

           Rebekah breathes out a thankful sigh of relief and says on a tone that is the most genuine Caroline thinks she has ever heard from the other blond “thank you”

 XXX

             When Rebekah said first class she really wasn’t kidding; limo to the airport, private pod on a massive commercial jet, lobster and champagne in the sky, complimentary facial kit (which she had used, life at home was so busy she always forgot how important little luxuries like a face mask can be). Unfortunately she cannot fully enjoy the experience because of the permanent knot in her stomach. Which really makes no sense because seriously, she should so not be nervous right now. Despite what she told Rebekah and perhaps even despite what she has always told herself, she knows that Klaus isn’t going to kill her. Snap her neck? Distinct possibility, but actually kill? Probably not.

           That is even worse though, because it means that she is nervous to see him. It’s been so long, and she would be lying if she said there wasn’t an attraction there… at one point. Long ago. Definitely not anymore though. Nope. That was not an option, that was not the mission. That is not what she is here for.

           This mantra runs through her mind for the rest of the flight and ride to her- unnecessarily extravagant- hotel. It doesn’t help the mantra stand that everything seems to remind her of him. Champagne on the flight, the pretentious art that covers the walls of her hotel, the Spanish men (or maybe she should say Catalonian? Another thing she hasn’t had time to fully keep up with, she will have to do her best not to stick her foot in her mouth while here) have an annoying habit of replicating Klaus’ laid back Henley and necklace style. Perhaps that’s why he likes it here so much. Even the annoying fact that the first time she is truly venturing out into the world is because of him forces her to think about declarations she had long since filed away. When she grabs her room key and the front desk lady’s sparkling diamond bracelet sends her thoughts swirling back to the man she shouldn’t be thinking about Caroline is convinced she has gone crazy. A diamond bracelet in a 5 star hotel was hardly a strange sight. She is just obsessing and it needs to stop.

           “Is there anything else I can do for you?” the woman asks, clearly uncomfortable that Caroline is so lost in another world.

           She snaps out of it immediately and smiles “sorry, I’m a little jet lagged. No everything looks great” she says and then stops “oh if I want to call a car can I just charge that to the room?” she asks, because Rebekah was 100% paying for her to see some of the sights while she is here.

           “Of course” the lady smiles “or if you want a little bit more of a novelty experience we also have horse and carriage rides that will take you through the old gothic side of the city”

           “Of course you do” Caroline mutters, leaving the nice employee baffled as she slumps away to get into her room and fall asleep.

 XXX

After she has slept, indulged in a delicious room service breakfast and wasted her morning on a little therapy in the hotel boutique/spa/salon, Caroline is feeling completely zen and borderline bullet proof. Which means now is probably as good a time as any to report for duty. She slowly pulls her cell phone out of her bag and clicks the top name in her recent calls.

           “Did you find him yet?” Rebekah’s voice sounds in her ear

           “No Rebekah, I’ve been here less than 12 hours and I have no idea where to look for him. That’s why I’m calling, how exactly am I supposed to locate Klaus?”

           “Oh. Well, if I know Niklaus he is going to be with some witch trying to build another little army of lackies. It’s practically a hobby for him. Klaus and his witches” she shakes her head in disapproval

           “Right, so this is my first time here- where do the witches hang out? I’ve done a lot of research but I feel like the gothic quarter is probably a little too on the nose right? I mean that’s going to be all tourists and fake psychics and stuff”

           “True” Rebekah agrees “but in my experience the easiest place for real witches to hide is among the phonies-”

           Before she can finish her sentence Caroline feels a tall man come up beside her, giving him a side eye she steps forward a couple paces but doesn’t get far as she feels his hand close around her wrist “one second” she says to the girl on the phone and turns around to stare at this very rude man “can I help you?” she snaps

           “Why are you looking for Klaus Mikaelson?” he asks darkly, maintaining his vice grip

           Caroline looks down at her wrist and then up at the man. She rolls her eyes and lifts the phone back to her ear “I’ll call you back Rebekah, I think I just found him” she hangs up and looks at the man “I’m an old friend”

           “Follow Me,” he says, moving towards the door

           “Sorry, I’m not in the habit of following strangers I just met into vehicles, you understand I’m sure”

           “If you are truly a friend of Klaus’ you have nothing to fear from me. I am required to bring him anyone that is looking for him”

           “So he can decide what to do with them” she nods, unsurprised

           “You do know him,” the man confirms

           Caroline rolls her eyes “unfortunately. Let’s go,” she says, following the man.

 XXX

           Rebekah was right, as it turns out, because the large black car that mystery vamp lackey had ushered her into stops in front of a large ornate home in the center of the gothic quarter. She rolls her eyes at the predictability of it all.

           “Klaus did not answer his phone, please allow me to go in first and see if he is in the mood to receive company”

           Caroline scoffs “yeah that’s not really how our relationship works” she says, stomping out of the car and heading straight for the door with mystery vamp trailing right behind her “lord knows he’s shown up in my life unannounced enough times” she mutters, lifting the ostentatious brass knocker and hitting it hard 3 times against the metal plate beneath it, sending a reverberation through the house that even she can hear from outside.

           And yet, no answer comes. She waits several minuets, bangs it one more time and the man behind her shrugs “Perhaps try coming back in the evening”

           “Yeah right” she says, twisting the knob, completely unsurprised to find the door unlocked. No one in the world can really hurt him and if anyone could, a lock certainly wouldn’t stop them. She is equally unsurprised by her lack of need for an invitation.

           “This is really not a good idea” tall man says and Caroline rolls her eyes once again. They are getting quite the work out on this trip, she notes.

           Caroline steps confidently into the foyer of the home and yells “Klaus” there is no answer but she can hear movement upstairs so she knows he is home “Klaus seriously, do not make me come and find you I have travelled quite far enough already” she says, the end of her words falling out as she hears the telltale whoosh of a vampire. She turns her head and sees him standing at the top of the stairs.

           Utter shock and disbelief crosses over his face for perhaps one second before he manages to compose himself and simply say “Caroline”

           “Um yeah, did you not hear me knocking on your ridiculously oversized metal knocker thing”

           Klaus looks down at her, fixing a lazy, satisfied smirk on his face “of course I heard you, Caroline” he flashes down the stairs to stand right in front of her “I think the whole of Barcelona heard you”

           Caroline scrunches her face up at him “cute” she says sarcastically “but I know how that one ends and unfortunately I don’t overly care if you are in the mood for company”

           “On the contrary” he says, seeming overly chipper “I am always in the mood for your company, love”

           “Well then how about you dismiss Creepy Mcstalker and we can have a proper conversation” she says, referencing the vampire still standing outside of the very open doorway

           Klaus looks up, clearly having not even noticed his minion was there at all “you are dismissed, Charlie, excellent work” he says, directing the final words at Caroline

           “Please, I would have found you on my own”

           “I’m sure you would have, though I must say I am rather surprised you wanted to find me at all” he says on a low voice, eyes connecting with hers and drawing her in the way only he can, making her feel like a very willing prisoner inside of his gaze

           She speaks quietly, and without breaking the connection “I’m actually not the one who wanted to find you” she says, the words managing to shake her out of it. She steps back, putting her hand on her hip as he tilts his head, clearly intrigued as to who is trying to find him “I’m a proxy”

           Klaus barely moves, simply nods his head and tries (successfully) to catch her eyes again, moving in closer to her as he speaks “and here I was so hoping you were finally ready to take me up on my offer”

           Caroline swallows hard “it hasn’t been a century yet”

           “True” he laughs, stepping back casually “and yet here you are at my door, oh well. As you pointed out, still plenty of time for that” he waves his hand, stepping behind her to shut the door before turning back to face her “can I get you a drink? We can have a chat about who has contracted your assistance”

           Caroline nods, slightly taken aback at how unfazed and accommodating he is being. For someone with minions trolling the streets to make sure he isn’t bothered and who doesn’t answer his door and who, above all, clearly does not want to be found- he is being awfully receptive to her barging into his hideaway. She shakes her head, refusing to overthink it and simply responds “anything but champagne”

           Klaus smirks back at her and nods his head obligingly, gesturing towards the sitting room, which she enters and carefully sits down in a plush arm chair near the window, having only a moment to look around the room before he returns with a crystal tumbler of amber liquid in each hand. He passes one to Caroline and seats himself across from her.

           Klaus sits, watching her for a few careful minuets before speaking “now why don’t you tell me all about who has enlisted you as a proxy, sweetheart. My first inclination would be a vamp friend in need of a cure for a nasty werewolf bite, but I can imagine that situation would have you in a slightly more urgent state so consider me intrigued”

           “Rebekah called,” she says simply and that seems to drain the mirth from Klaus’ face

           “I was unaware the two of you kept in contact” he states stiffly

           “We don’t” she replies, “that’s how I knew how urgent the situation was, but I’m not really here for Rebekah either” she says

           Realization seems to dawn on his face as Klaus puts all of the pieces together and there is a decided change in energy as his jaw tightens “Hope is better off without me Caroline, you should know that better than anyone”

           “You aren’t Mikael,” she says quietly

           “No” he replies, “I may actually be worse in some ways”

           Caroline looks up at him, setting her drink down ���don’t give me that crap Klaus. You love her, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what follows you or anything else. You love her and I know that because you are one of the most selfish people I have ever met and yet staying away from her is incredibly selfless” she pauses for a moment “but also stupid-” she tries to begin again and is cut off

           “I think I know what is best for my child moreso than you do Caroline” he growls

           “Are you sure about that? Because only one of us in this room has watched her grow up for the past 8 years. Only one of us has watched her learn and been there on every birthday. Only one of us has walked past her room at night and heard her crying on the phone to her mother about why her dad left. Only one of us really knows her. And it isn’t you” she glares down at him, watching him clench his fist, feeling that he is about to lash out. She only has minuets to get what she wants to say out before Klaus is gone and the monster takes over.

She steadies her emotions and reaches for his hand, forcing him to look at her as she continues “speaking as a girl who was once 17 with a less than perfect dad, I promise that whatever it is about you that makes you think she’s better off without you, she isn’t. You’ve killed people, you have a temper, you’ve tortured people, I get it. But my father didn’t just torture people, he tortured me. Like literally, in a dungeon, vervain ropes, burnt skin, the works. He tortured me for days and I still know I would never have been better off without him. I love him. A girl needs her father” she says “ and I don’t want to hear about all the horrible things you have done. I was there for some of your most horrible moments. You are not a good person” she says point blank, no need to sugar coat it “but you could be. I’ve seen you be selfless, I’ve seen you be caring, I know you love your family, I know you love Hope” she says “and if that isn’t enough” she sighs, standing up “well too damn bad because after a thousand years it’s time to grow the hell up and just do what you are supposed to do. Got it” she says, pointing a finger menacingly at him

“That was a lot of information all at once, sweetheart” he says

“Yeah well you were getting murder eyes and I knew I was losing my chance. If I’m going to die I’m sure as hell at least getting my point across”

“I would never hurt you,” he says, not for the first time since they’ve known each other

“I know” she replies quietly “that’s why Rebekah sent me” she looks up at him again “but don’t you think if you can make that promise to me, you can make it to your daughter? The person you love more than anyone in the world”

That seems to take him aback “I suppose you do have a point” he admits

“Of course I do, I always have excellent points”

Klaus stands, moving closer to her, lifting a hand to brush a curl out of her face, leaving his hand nestled against her neck as he speaks “when are you leaving?”

Caroline takes a deep breath in, trying not to think about the fireworks igniting on her skin where his fingers touch her “Sunday” she breathes

Klaus nods “I will com with you” he says “on one condition”

“I swear to god Klaus if you ask for a confession I’m going to break your neck”

he laughs, shaking his head “no” he assures her “though it is nice to know where your mind is at” he smirks “I simply want you to agree to let me show you the city”

“Oh” she says, once again taken aback “I suppose that would be alright” he smiles at her answer and she can’t help but return it.

In the days that follow Caroline would flip back and forth on whether she was more excited that she managed to accomplish her goal or angry at how increasingly obvious it was that Rebekah had been right. About everything.

[setaripendragon]

Learning To Share - Roy - Part 5

Winry :: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 Roy :: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 Wow, okay, so, I actually managed to finish this part. The second bit of this scene was a moment I’ve had in my head since I started this fic, so I’m so glad I finally managed to write it. I think there’s going to be another two parts to Roy’s section, and then I’m going to torture Maes -insert evil cackle here-

The apartment above the Central branch of Rockbell Automail was surprisingly cosy. The shop took up the entirety of the first floor, but the two above it in the tall, square townhouse were fitted out for living in, with a kitchen, a living room, and a library on the bottom floor, and three bedrooms and a study on the second. The main bedroom, which appeared to primarily be Al’s, was, of course, out of bounds to Roy, but Edward had no compunctions with dragging him into the second bedroom, which held scattered evidence of everyone’s presence, after their fifth date, and just about tearing Roy’s clothes off.

It soon became more the norm than not, which Roy was not complaining about in the least. Sometimes they wound up in Roy’s bed, but Ed often complained that Roy’s house felt cold, even with the fire in the living room lit, and Roy found he couldn’t exactly argue, after having spent several long afternoons and evenings and nights in Edward’s apartment. It wasn’t the temperature Ed was complaining about. And Roy was perfectly happy to spend his nights with Edward tangled up together in the second bedroom of the apartment, surrounded by reminders of family, even if sometimes they did have to pause half way through to put Xiao Mei or one of Al’s growing collection of cats outside.

Afterwards, when Roy was lazily trying to pull the shattered pieces of his brain back together, Edward sprawled atop him, he found his lover eyeing him with that intense curiosity that was unique to him. Like he was trying to dissect Roy with his gaze alone. “You haven’t told anyone about us.” He stated, but despite the lack of inflection, it was very clearly a question.

Roy shrugged lazily, sluggishly wondering if it bothered Edward. “The people I’m socially obligated to inform will know whether I tell them or not, so I don’t particularly feel the need to advertise.”

Edward snorted in amusement. “Okay, I hadn’t actually noticed that I wasn’t getting concerned or critical looks from Hughes.” He announced, then shook his head. Roy frowned a little, brushed Edward’s bangs out of his face so that Roy had a better view of his expression. It was less telling than Roy had hoped for. “Havoc’s tried to warn me about your girlfriend stealing ways, or rather, partner stealing ways. With multiple judgemental looks like he actually thinks I’d cheat on Winry. Asshole. While Hawkeye’s been… hovering over you like a mother eagle defending her chick.”

Roy winced. “Please don’t compare Riza to my mother.”

Edward’s eyes sparked and flared with intrigue. “Ah-hah! So you do have a thing for her! Winry owes me a hundred cenz.” He declared, all cat-like smugness. Roy wouldn’t have been surprised if he started purring any second.

Clearing his throat, Roy opened his mouth to deflect, because that’s what he always did. His relationship with Riza was so complicated, so mired in history and mistakes and promises that it often seemed no one really had a hope of understanding, so why bother letting them see anything more than a loyal commander and subordinate.

Then he caught sight of Edward’s raised eyebrows, and the words halted in his throat. Tension he hadn’t realised was there drained out of him, and he sighed through a smile, and reached up to card his fingers through Edward’s mussed bangs, putting them back into order. “I don’t do anything by halves, Edward. An affliction I think you might have some passing familiarity with.”

“Anything worth doing, etcetera.” Edward interjected as a lazy acknowledgement.

Roy hummed an agreement. “Quite. When I love someone, when they’re important to me on a personal level, and I want them in my life always… I don’t know how to stop at ‘best friends’. Attraction, both sexual and sensual, comes on its heels.” He paused, then shrugged. “Not to say I’m pining for her, or anything quite that ridiculous. That attraction is such a small part of what she means to me that I hardly long for it, but… it’s there.”

“Hughes too, huh?” Edward mused knowingly. Roy didn’t feel the need to answer, and it didn’t seem as if Edward needed the confirmation. He stretched up to nuzzle his face into Roy’s neck, squirming his arms more securely around Roy’s middle. Roy was not ashamed to admit that he was a tactile lover – Edward called him a cuddleslut, but Roy thought that term was undignified – and he took great pleasure in the physical comfort. “Anyone else you’re secretly pining over?”

“I’m not pining.” Roy protested, well aware he sounded childish, but unable to quite help himself. Edward grinned up at him, all sharp teeth and wicked eyes. Roy’s offence melted away like it had never been there. “Just you, Edward.”

Edward went pink, dropping his gaze, and kicked Roy lightly with the flesh and blood leg. “It’s not pining when you’ve already got me, idiot.” He protested.

“Exactly.” Roy agreed.

Edward kicked him again. Quiet stretched between them, comfortable and peaceful. Edward took to doodling alchemical formulas and arrays on Roy’s shoulder, because he could never sit still, not even for post-coital cuddles, while Roy just watched him and let his thoughts drift. “So how come you and Hawkeye aren’t a thing?”

“Hm?” Roy blinked, realising he’d been almost asleep when Edward spoke again.

“You and Hawkeye, how come you aren’t a thing? Is it just the whole military fraternisation thing, or is it complicated emotional bullshit?”

“Ah, well, the one and only time I tried to seduce her, she quite literally shot me down and told me in no uncertain terms that she would rather have sexual relations with a slug.” Roy admitted, mostly just to see Edward snort with mirth. Then he paused. “Admittedly, I was seventeen and my technique was crass and unrefined, but then she followed me to Ishval, and, as you said, things got complicated.”

“Huh.” Edward mused. “And does Hughes know?”

“Mm… He certainly knows I find him attractive, but no, I don’t think he knows I’m in love with him.” Roy considered for a long moment, then shrugged. “I suppose he could have figured it out and decided to ignore it for everyone’s sake, but given that my mother hadn’t figured it out, and she knows everything-”

“Wait, your mother?” Edward asked, abruptly lifting himself up onto his elbows to stare down at Roy with intent.

Roy blinked at him, startled by the vehement reaction. “Ah, yes?” He said slowly, and then remembered he had a message to pass on, and grimaced.

“You have a mother?!” Edward yelped.

Roy couldn’t help but laugh. “Everyone has a mother, Edward.” He pointed out, and Edward scowled at him, lifting one hand – the flesh and blood one, thankfully – threateningly. Roy raised his hands in a sign of surrender, even though he was still laughing. “But in this case, that’s perhaps a misleading thing to say. Biologically, she’s my aunt, but she raised me after my parents died.” Roy sighed, still smiling faintly, and shifted his hands to Edward’s lower back. Ed dropped his own to Roy’s chest again.

“Right.” Edward huffed. “I just didn’t realise you had anyone… still around.” He explained, pulling a face that was a bizarre mixture of childish frustration and world-weary age. “Kinda tragic, huh? That ‘orphan’ seems more likely than anything else.” Roy ran through what he knew of Edward’s social circle, and realised that, yes, most of them were, actually, orphans. He winced. After all, he was partially responsible for that state of affairs.

Roy shook the thought off, because wallowing in his guilt didn’t help anything. He searched about for another topic, and wasn’t exactly thrilled with the one he came up with, but it was better than moping. Moping would probably earn him an automail fist to the ribs. “Speaking of my mother…” He began, and Ed hummed to show he was listening. “She’s informed me that she’d like to meet you.”

Edward blinked at him. “Your mum. Wants to meet me.” He repeated.

Roy nodded. “Of course, there’s no rush.” He was quick to add, because he still wasn’t sure he liked the idea of exposing this new relationship to his mother’s scrutiny. “This is still new. But she’s realised I’m quite serious, and, well, Chris Mustang is not one to put off ‘til tomorrow what she can do right this second.” He explained, a little rueful.

“Okay.” Edward said, still a bit wide-eyed. Roy frowned at him. “I’ve just… never done the meet-the-parents thing before?” He offered, and suddenly his pole-axed look of sheer nerves made a bit more sense. “In Xing, it’s a big deal, introducing a partner to your family and your clan. It’s… the first step in their really complicated marriage rituals, actually. And me and Al both knew we weren’t staying, so it never… became an issue?” He explained.

“I won’t lie to you and tell you my mother isn’t scary, because she really, really is, but would it make you feel any better if I said I’m fairly certain she’ll like you?” Roy offered. It was a scary thought, because if she and Edward did get on, which he suspected they would, Roy was doomed.

“No.” Edward retorted. “…maybe.” He amended a moment later.

Roy smiled and tugged Edward in for a light kiss. “It can wait for a while.” He reminded him.

Edward rolled off him to flop face-first onto the mattress beside him with a muffled groan. Roy turned onto his side to watch with faintly baffled amusement. Finally, Edward turned his head to look at Roy with a sigh. “No, better get it over with.” He huffed. “Just lemme know when.”

“Alright.” Roy agreed.

“Okay, I’m going to sleep now before you can drop anything else on me.” Edward announced, squirming around until he was comfortably tucked against Roy’s chest, clutching one of Roy’s arms around himself, both feet tucked between Roy’s shins.

Roy blinked at the top of a golden head, and bit his lip, hard. He shouldn’t say it, he knew he shouldn’t, they’d been having such a lovely conversation, after all, but… he just couldn’t resist. “I had no idea you liked being the little sp-oof!” An automail elbow to the ribs was never fun, but in this instance, it was absolutely worth it. Roy fell asleep with a smile on his face.

He woke up with a scream trapped in his throat.

For several, long, disorienting seconds, he had no idea where he was. Then Edward mumbled something about chemical recombinations in his sleep and Roy was dragged back to the present. Not a tent in the middle of the desert, but Edward’s bed above the automail shop in Central. Or one of Edward’s beds. With the release of tension came the shakes, the belated panic, the irrepressible upswell of guilt so cloying and thick he could barely breathe.

Carefully, he disentangled himself from Edward. At one point, the younger man slitted open golden eyes, and peered up at Roy with a questioning sound. Roy didn’t dare speak, but he ran a soothing hand over Edward’s hair, and he made a contented noise and closed his eyes again, so Roy counted it as a win. It wasn’t like Edward could do anything to help, and Roy would feel better knowing that at least someone was managing a decent night’s sleep.

He tiptoed his way downstairs and into the kitchen for a glass of water, but realised his hands were shaking too badly to hold the glass steady. So he slumped down at the kitchen table and tried to get himself back under control.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, before footsteps on the stairs made him lift his head. He watched the doorway as a figure appeared in it, and for a moment he was convinced he was still asleep and trapped in a nightmare. Then the phantoms resolved themselves into Winry Rockbell as she padded across the room and pawed at the kettle in the dark.

Roy stayed silent and frozen, uncertain what to do, or say, or if he should at all. Then Winry turned, and spotted him. She froze, staring. “What are you doing down here?” She asked abruptly. Even though she was talking quietly, her voice seemed loud in the gloom of the kitchen.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Roy confessed, shrugging.

Winry hummed an acknowledging sound, and fumbled about for a moment, before the lights over the stove came on. For how bright they were, they only offered dim illumination to the rest of the kitchen, and Roy found himself appreciating the consideration for eyes that were currently so used to the dark. And for his psyche, which wasn’t ready to handle sudden flares of bright light in conjunction with Winry Rockbell’s face.

She stared at him for a long moment, then seemed to come to a decision. “Tea?” She offered, waving a vague hand at the kettle.

Roy had to clear his throat before he could speak. “Thank you.”

Winry nodded, and fetched down two very large mugs. Roy felt helpless, hopeless, useles, as she bustled around getting the tea ready. He chose to look down at his hands and study them, rather than watch her, but that was just a different kind of punishment.

A mug of steaming tea appeared in front of him, thumping down onto the table, and he startled in time with the sound. He glanced up, found Winry frowning at him, and looked away before he did something awful, like burst into tears. “Thank you.” He said again, and wrapped his hands around the mug, even though it was almost too hot to touch.

Winry didn’t react, just claimed the chair at the end of the table, and idly swirled a spoon through her own tea. Then she lifted it out, shook off the excess tea, and put it down resolutely. “What did you dream about?” She asked, voice caught somewhere between practical and sympathetic.

Roy stared at her, breath caught in his lungs, and eyes suddenly stinging. For a long moment, he wondered if she had already figured it out, and was trying to punish him. He’d deserve it, of course, but he honestly hadn’t pegged her as quite that viciously cruel. Then her eyes widened, and a small “Oh” of understanding escaped her, and she stared right back, just as caught as he was.

The moment hung there between them, stifling and all-consuming. Roy could feel something building in his chest in response to the tension, but he wasn’t sure what it was until he opened his mouth and what came out was “I’m sorry.” Then it was like a dam had broken, and he felt the tears spill over against his will. “I’m so sorry,” tumbled out of his mouth without his consent, and he abandoned his mug of tea to cover his face with his hands, trying to hide or trying to keep himself from spilling his guilt all over the kitchen, he wasn’t sure.

A small eternity passed while he tried and failed to get a hold of himself. It wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, to put this on Winry. His guilt was his to bear, and it wasn’t her job to absolve him, or forgive him, or care about his regret. It was pathetic to act like this, as though her parents’ death had hurt him more than it hurt her. But he couldn’t stop himself, too tired and too overwrought, and the self-loathing just extenuated the problem.

A hand landed on his shoulder, and he flinched before he could stop himself. It retreated for a heartbeat, then returned, sliding over his back until Winry’s arm was wrapped around his shoulders. She tugged gently, and Roy couldn’t muster up the presence of mind to resist as he tipped over to lean against her side. “I know.” She told him quietly.

Roy shuddered, whispered yet another apology, and promptly froze when he felt Winry’s head knock lightly against his. He could feel the way her breath shook, like she was crying too, and found he had no idea what to do with himself, or the situation, or anything. It was a deeply alien feeling, and left him vaguely frightened.

“It was so much easier to hate you when you were a monster.” Winry muttered on a wry laugh. “I don’t know how to hate you when you’re like this. Like… like you get how much it hurt me. And you’re down here alone because you didn’t want to wake Ed. When you still have nightmares about it when I haven’t in… fuck, years.”

“I don’t mean to-” Roy began.

Winry snorted. “If you meant to, I’d have brained you with a wrench and dumped your body in the river already, Mustang.” She interrupted, and it was almost enough to make Roy smile. He managed to pull himself together some, and straightened a little. Winry only half let go of him. When he caught her eye, he saw that, despite her words, she looked… very lost and uncertain. “I just… Stop, alright?” She asked, and it sounded strangely vulnerable. “I don’t- You don’t need to keep doing this, you know? It’s not okay, and I’m never going to be over it, and I’ll always hate you a little bit, but you’re here, and you’re trying, and you love Ed, and you make him happy, and you’re good, so… so can’t it be… okay? Can’t we be okay?”

Roy swallowed hard, and found a smile with surprisingly little effort. “I can try.” He offered.

Winry hiccuped on a laugh that was half a sob, and nodded. “Good. Okay.”

“Okay.” Roy echoed, feeling more blessed than he had any right to, and aching with it. This time, he was the one who pulled Winry in against his side, and she was the one who cried into his shoulder. If he maybe shed a few tears into her hair, well, he was pretty sure she’d done the same to him earlier, so it was okay. It might actually, really, be okay.