#I was like i am so sorry that the comedian on your *cruise* to the *Dominican* isn't very funny

[pumpkinland]

My mom is going on a cruise to the Dominican this year & last night she complained that she heard there's a comedian on her ship that's not very funny and I was just like... World's smallest violin

[thepatchworkreview]

Debrief and Critique: Chlorine, Longboy, Bummer, Dude!, and Sells - 11/30/23 - Cafe Colonial, Sacramento

Critiques follow a two-part formula: Opinionated critique, and objective critique Objective critique will include a summary of the content and technical skill ONLY. aaaaaand...Opinionated critique includes discussion of the "show" aspect of the-.. well, the show. 

~Opinionated Critique~

Am I putting my opinion first? Yes. I am. Because all the unpleasant technical stuff should always be AFTER you compliment the shit out of someone. TO BE FAIR. Not everything I have to say about all these bands is pleasant. Gentle reminder—it's my opinion, and who gives a single shit about that?

- Chlorine: Best screams, hands down. The grungy look and sound of the band really evokes an older, Seattle grunge feel. The drums were NASTY, the rides and fills fucking rocked, and the pit moshed hard for a fucking reason. This band reeks with the look and feel of a band who are on the same page. Do I feel like the grungey Y2K thing is being overdone right now? A little, yeah—but these guys wear it well and commit really hard. As they progress and play more shows, I do expect to see tighter, crowd-work—and I mean more than just plugging the band Instagram. I also would like to see more dynamic showmanship from all members. 

- Longboy: Award for the band that had the most shit going on goes to... Longboy! These guys had a bunch of ideas and gags happening that really added to the show: samples that faded into songs; bringing up a friend to sing the first song of the set; a synth! Ecclectic outfits and a funny cover song that people were BOUND to know and sing along to, sung by a singer who sounded UNCANNILY like the original artist. It ruled! But what I will say is that the amount of stuff and genres that they delved into made the set a bit unruly and thematically whirl-windy. A lot of really good ideas! ...With a lack of followthrough. The playing was stellar! I want to see that amount of polish applied to the show you guys put on!

- Bummer, Dude!: THESEGUYS ARE PERFORMING AT THE WRONG VENUES! AND YES! I  DO MEAN THAT NICELEY! The sound is so Jeff Buckley, so Billy Idol—it's cruise ship ready! Bummer, Dude retains the harder sound with really passionate breakdowns and lush guitar riffs, but is slow enough to melt right into your sweetheart with. That being said, I did find that about halfway through their set I was looking for a little more energy—I felt like they slowed down the show nicely, but holy shit did it get slow. I would've loved them to end on a way more energetic note, something that the whole band just fucking rocks out to rather than the "hit," y'know?

- Sells: Okay. I have words for you guys that aren't great, but that's all in the other section of critique. The lead singer sang and performed like Sid Viscious on cracked cocaine. Did you play six songs and all of them used three or four chords maybe? Oh yeah. For sure. Did you still knock it out of the park with insane crowd-work, energy, bombast and style? YES. The juxtaposition—whether intentional or not of the lead singer and bassist, one being an insane performer—and the other stonefaced (accidental???) comedian was such an incredible, versatile component of the show. Not only that, but just- the sheer, raw, unmatched energy that the lead singer ALONE provided was fucking captivating. AND it acted as the lynchpin for a memorable end of the show as an entirety. All I want from you guys is to keep working on your music and the technicalities of it, you've got the showmanship part of it made (sans the shy [what I can only assume to be- new] person on both bass and drums. I do need less embarrassment and more vibes from them {sorry to drag you, girl.})

~ Objective Critique ~Content: This will hopefully be the only show I will ever have to say this for, but everyone is on an equal playing field as far as content within the bounds of the live show. The live audio was a clusterfuck of poor mixing and vocalists not knowing how dynamic mics (those little round microphones you see people like mariah carrey sing into) pick up sound. Now: what leads me to believe that the mic trouble was not just user error is that more obviously skilled members between the bands would still have moments of really muddled audio, even while performing about 3-5 inches from the damn things. Not only this, but the lead singer of Chlorine did actually notice that he could not hear himself, and did ask for this to be resloved (it was not). For a good 40-60% chunk of the performances, I could not 

clearly hear anything being sung. (I will include that I could pretty much hear all of "Bummer, Dude!'s vocals BECAUSE their surrounding instrumentals were so tame that they left room for it. When they picked things up—nada.  I also heard Sells vocals but I genuinely attribute that to the fact that the lead singer was fucking BELLOWING into the mic like real style.) (Again, I apologize, because this seems like such a cop out.)

Technical Skill:I kind of dread writing this part just because I'm an amateur artist myself, and really can't go shitting on people's head's about their performances—SO BEFORE YOU COME AFTER ME I dragged my sorry ass friend (the guy who went to the show with me!) (he actually knows stuff about music AND has done live shows before) into this journalistic mess, and will be paraphrasing statements he made to me, quite appropriately in a dark and empty band room. 

- Chlorine: Although fucked by the mixing, had some really great stability and themes. The playing (guitar) was a little muddy on it's own and could've 100% used some more definition or direction- but this could also just be a product of the genre they play. (shoegaze, eg.) The drummer was reliable and had good fills and rides, but would follow the lead singer's excitement—rushing and lagging to his singing. This isn't always a bad thing, and frankly isn't noticable to any "simple show-goer" (for lack of better term), but it was something that could be observed by a careful eye. As a young band, we only expect them to get better—and it's very obvious the time and effort they have put into practicing paid off. They sounded good and tune to eachother well. 

- Longboy: Longboy had alot going on, which was exciting! But this left us with few comments about the drummer, as we don't remember being able to hear much of them, quite unfortunately. (Again, I don't think this is Longboy's fault, the mixing was just trash.) The guitarist//bassist seemed dynamic and experienced. At the very begining of the set, a synthesizer was used to create a piano part that was not well-practiced. It sounded bad and janky among the softer singing and instrumental. Every other aspect of their performance though—just aside from that synth part—was very well done. 

- Bummer, Dude!: The tightest set for certain, for obvious reasons. The music was slow, and easy to keep tempo to (not a dig, again, just a product of the R&B//Shoegaze genre) and it was incredibly obvious that the band had not only practiced immensely, but also performed live for a while. (Note: we have agreed this drummer held tempo the best out of all the bands.) All moving parts of the band—guitar, bass, vocals, and drums—operated like a well oiled machine.

- Sells: Out of all bands, Sells did have the most issues with tempo consistency. A mechanic they played on throughout the show is that they would switch instruments, (i.e, the singer would play the drums, etc.), and while the singer played very fast and vigorously, could not keep... you guessed it: tempo consistency. Later, the bassist took over on drums and had simillar issues; the drums sounded unpracticed, even with simple beats. But! When on their "home" instruments, they played well together. (I would like to mention it's really hard to sing and play drums, so kudos regardless.) (Additional note: Tempo consistency is not as important in a live setting as others, but is an important measure of technical skill.)

  You can find all these guys on instagram- 

@fuckchlorine

@Longboy_CA

@Bummerdudes

@SellsBand

Overall, an energetic, diverse, fun, show- With so much opportunity hot on it's tail.

Many thanks for those of you who took the time to read! Let's pick this up again, some other time. 

 :)

- Patch

[snoozeboxgames]

Chapter 18 Episode Script

Narrator: Welcome back to Love Island… The Islanders are about to vote who to save… Lexi or Najuma/Youcef? The person who loses the vote will have to leave the Island…

Narration: You sit down by the firepit, with [your partner] close by your side. Lexi and Najuma/Youcef stand in front of you, clutching their phones.

Narrator: Islanders, tonight both Lexi and Najuma/Youcef are at risk of being dumped from the island. It is down to you to decide. Whoever gets the fewest votes will be leaving immediately.

Narration: [your partner] turns to you, and you form a huddle. You see the other couples doing the same.

[your partner]: This is it, babe… Who should we save?

Player: What do you think?

                         {if coupled with James} 

James: It's really hard, I've known both of them since Day One... I was even coupled up with Najuma for a second, before Will came out.

Player: You were on the subs bench?

James: How do you think I ended up with Angie?

                        {if coupled with Bruno}

Bruno: I can't choose between my friends. You're gonna have to make this decision. I'm all for saving Najuma. She's got my vote. I'll never forget meeting the two of you in the hot tub… But it's up to you, ultimately. You've been here longer, you know them better.

Player: This situation must be serious… It's been like ten minutes and you haven't made a joke!

Bruno: Hey, I've got layers. I'm not just Bruno the comedian! I can also be incredibly brooding and sexy.

Player: Sure, babe.

                        {if coupled with Najuma}

Najuma: I think we should save Youcef. He's a good guy, underneath all that beautiful French swagger. But then, I do feel some kind of twisted loyalty to Lexi.

Player: They say the emotions of love and hate are very similar...

Najuma: I'm gonna leave it up to you, babe. I don't trust myself to make the right decision.

Narration: You look down at your phone in your hands. The empty text field stares up at you.

Player: OK... here I go.

Player (thinking): Who am I voting to save?

          CHOICE: Youcef

Narration: [your partner] takes your hand and squeezes it.

[your partner]: I think you made the right call.

          CHOICE: Najuma

Narration: [your partner] takes your hand and squeezes it.

[your partner]: I think you made the right call.

          CHOICE: Lexi 

Narration: You type Lexi's name into your phone and press send. [your partner] presses their lips together, but say nothing.

[your partner]: Is that it then? Votes cast?

Lexi: I guess we just wait now...

Narration: She takes Youcef/Najuma's hand, who squirms a little.

Lexi: I just want to say… If I do go, I'm just glad I got to meet all of you. The friends I've made in here are some I know I'm going to have for life… And I wouldn't change this experience for the world.

                        {if coupled with James or Bruno}

Najuma: Aw, babe… That was lovely.

Narration: They hug briefly.

                        {if coupled with Najuma} 

Narration: She looks to Youcef with shining eyes, like she's expecting a reply.

Youcef: Um, yeah. What she said. Great time, good experience… Just some bad luck at the end.

Narration: Youcef  winks at Lexi.

Lexi: Oh please. I'm the best luck you're ever gonna get.

Narration: Lexi's phone beeps, making her jump. She checks it with shaking hands.

Lexi: Lexi, the Islanders have voted for who they want to save...... and you are now dumped from the Island. You have half an hour to pack your bags and say your goodbyes.

Lexi: Najuma/Youcef…

Player (thinking): I guess it's really happened… Lexi's been dumped!

          CHOICE: About time

Player (thinking): That girl's been cruising for a dumping since Day One

          CHOICE: I feel sorry for her

Player (thinking): I must have been the only one who voted for her… I don't think anyone wanted her to stay... I know I voted for Lexi to stay...But I guess I'm just a bit fickle like that.

          CHOICE: Better her than Najuma/Youcef

Player (thinking): Seems like everyone else agrees with me...

          CHOICE: I'm actually gutted

.Player: Babe, I am so gutted that you're going. I can't believe it...

Narration: Lexi stares at the phone, eyes wide. She doesn't acknowledge you. Youcef/Najuma goes to put their arm around Lexi, but she shrugs them off.

Najuma/Youcef: Uh... are you OK?

Narration: Lexi pulls back her arm suddenly and launches her phone towards the pool. It glides through the air in a wide arc, landing, with a dull thud, on one of the lilos.

Bruno: Nice shot!

Lexi: I'm dumped? Me? You had the option of a beautiful, confident, charismatic redhead with a great backlog of work... Or Najuma/Youcef? And you chose your Najuma/Youcef?!

                        {if coupled with James or Bruno} 

Najuma: Woah, OK, there's no need to start with that...

Lexi: I mean, seriously, how many couples have you been in now? There was Will, who you dumped...

Will: Hey! It was mutual!

Lexi: Hazeem, who you led on… And now Youcef, who you told not to recouple with you!

Narration: She looks to Youcef as if expecting an interruption.

Youcef: Don't make me part of this.

Najuma: What are you saying, Lexi?

Lexi: I'm asking, why everyone saved a couple-hopper like you before they did me!

Narration: Najuma gasps.

Najuma: A couple-hopper?!

Lexi: Say what you want about me and Kobi, but we were real. You couldn't connect to someone if they had a USB port!

Bruno: OK, I have to write that down…

                        {if coupled with Najuma} 

Youcef: Come on, you can't blame them...Let's not fight, ma chérie.

Lexi: Oh no, you're not winning me over, too. You've got half the people in this Villa under your spell. Under the accent and the hair and the face, you're just any old sleazy guy.

Youcef: Lexi, this is kind of embarrassing to watch.

Player (thinking): Lexi is going scorched earth with Youcef…

          CHOICE: Try and stop it

Player: Lexi, you have to stop!

Thabi: Yeah, you can't fight like this!

          CHOICE: Let it happen

Thabi: Guys, you can't fight like this!

          CHOICE: Pretend to eat popcorn

Narration: You circle one arm in front of you, and eat from it like a bucket. You lean over and whisper to [your partner].

Player: This is gonna be good!

Thabi: Guys, you can't fight like this!

Lexi: Don't even get me started on you. Watching you and Will is like watching a ping-pong match. Sometimes I can't decide if you're his girlfriend or his caddy!

Narration: Angie steps out and stands in front of Thabi.

Angie: OK, that was too far, Lexi...How about we take things down a notch, huh? Plus, I'm pretty sure ping-pong players don't have caddies...

Lexi: I should have expected you'd pipe up in her defense. You want everyone to think you're the mum of the group.... But you're just as bad as the rest of them.

Narration: [your partner] starts to tug on your hand.

[your partner]: I don't think we should be watching this… Let's go somewhere on our own to defuse, yeah?

Player (thinking): [your partner] is trying to pull me away from the drama…

          CHOICE: You're right, let's go

Narration: You let [your partner] pull you away from the scene. Over your shoulder, you see Lexi staring after you.

Player (thinking): I guess she was going for me next… Good thing we left when we did.

          CHOICE: I'm staying to watch!

Player: This is prime drama, I'm not leaving now!

[your partner]: Fine...

          CHOICE: I have to defend Angie

Angie: You should probably just go and pack now, Lexi. Everyone's had their fill of second-hand embarrassment for today.

Kobi: Yeah, babe, I don't think...

Lexi: Just a second, babe.

Angie: Yeah, babe. Do what she tells you, like always.

Kobi: Not this again...

Angie: You talk about how you're so real with Kobi, but let's not forget how you acted when the new boys came in. Remember that?

Player (thinking): Angie's bringing up old drama…

          CHOICE: Take Angie's side

Player: It's true, I was there.

Narration: Lexi whips around and focuses her narrowed eyes on you.

Lexi: Of course you're taking her side...

          CHOICE: Take Lexi's side

Player: Angie, that was like a million years ago, and we've already talked it to death. It seems like you're just bringing up anything you can to make Lexi look bad.

Narration: Lexi whips around and focuses her narrowed eyes on you.

Lexi: I don't need you to defend me.

          CHOICE: Try and stay out of it

Narration: You avoid Angie's expectant gaze.

Player: Keep me out of this.

Narration: Lexi whips around and focuses her narrowed eyes on you.

Lexi: Really? You're keeping out of something? That's rare...

Player: What's that supposed to mean?

[your partner]: Let's just go, Player.

Lexi: Yeah, run along, Player.. I'm not surprised [your partner] wants to keep an eye on you after what came out in Never Have I Ever… Pretend to be all sweet and innocent, like you always do.

[your partner]: Hey, you can't talk to her like that!

Player (thinking): [your partner] is defending me against Lexi…

          CHOICE: You tell her, honey!

[your partner]: Yeah, it's the truth.

Lexi: You guys are boring.

Narration: She turns to [your partner].

Lexi: At least you bring some drama.

[your partner]: With a butt like this, drama is bound to follow me around.

Narration: [your partner] takes your hand.

[your partner]: Let's go.

Narration: You start walking back towards the Villa.

Lexi's voice fades away as she starts on Najuma/Youcef again.

          CHOICE: You're sexy when you stand up for me,

[your partner]: Yeah, it's the truth.

Lexi: You guys are boring.

Narration: She turns to [your partner].

Lexi: At least you bring some drama.

[your partner]: With a butt like this, drama is bound to follow me around.

Narration: [your partner] takes your hand.

[your partner]: Let's go.

Narration: You start walking back towards the Villa.

Lexi's voice fades away as she starts on Najuma/Youcef again.

          CHOICE: Come on, let's go,

Narration: You take [your partner]'s hand and start walking back towards the Villa.

Lexi: Yeah, that's what I thought!

[your partner]: Just ignore her. I'm sure she'll start on someone else soon.

Narration: As you get further away, you hear Lexi start on Najuma/Youcef again.

[your partner]: Right on cue.

_

Narration: You enter the bedroom, [your partner]'s hand in yours. The room is quiet and the lighting is soft.

[your partner]: That was intense.

Narration: [your partner] plops onto the bed and beckons you to join them. 

[your partner]: Come on. I need a cuddle after all that.

Player (thinking): [your partner] wants a cuddle…

          CHOICE: Wrap your arms around [your partner]

Narration: You position yourself behind [your partner] on the bed. Warmth spreads through your skin and down your body as you curl yourself around [your partner], pulling the blanket up over both of you.[your partner] hums. You feel [your partner] chest vibrating where your ear is pressed to their back. [your partner] seems surprised at first, but adjusts so you can slide your arms around them. Warmth spreads through your skin and down your body as you curl yourself around [your partner], pulling the blanket up over both of you. [your partner] hums. You feel [your partner] chest vibrating where your ear is pressed to their back.

[your partner]: I don't think I've ever been spooned before, you know.

Player: An appalling fact that I am glad to amend.

          CHOICE: Tuck into [your partner] arms

Narration: [your partner] opens their arms wide, and you settle in between them. [your partner] chest is warm and soft against your back, and you feel the steady rhythm of their breathing.

[your partner] rests their head against your shoulder and kisses your cheek. [your partner] chest is warm and firm against your back, and you feel the steady rhythm of their breathing. [your partner] rests their chin on the top of your head and gives you a squeeze.

          CHOICE: Sit on [your partner] feet to warm them.

Narration: You tuck [your partner]'s feet into the duvet, and sit on them.

[your partner]: What's that for?

Player: To keep your feet nice and toasty!

Narration: [your partner] wriggles their feet under your bum.

[your partner]: Ooh, they're so warm! Thanks!

Narration: [your partner] lies back, taking in a deep breath and letting it out.

[your partner]: This is so nice.

[your partner]: I always feel so grounded when it's just me and you like this. It's when my mind is clearest, when I can think through everything properly… You're like my reset button.

Player (thinking): [your partner] says I'm like their reset button…

          CHOICE: If I am a reset button then you are my map

Player: It's like, if I was a map, you'd be zero latitude and zero longitude.

[your partner]: Oh, like your Null Island! That's the place where latitude and longitude are both zero. It's actually just a point in the ocean, but they named it for convenience.

Player: Then yeah! You're my Null Island.

[your partner]: I always wanted a cute pet name like that… Wow...

Player: What?

[your partner]: It's just, I've never had a girl talk latitude and longitude to me… I'm practically melting here.

          CHOICE: I don't understand that at all

[your partner]: Never mind, I'm just talking rubbish.

Player: No, tell me! I want to know.

[your partner]: Well, I just mean, like… You know when you turn on your car, and the little rev counter is just above zero to let you know it's on? And when you're driving or doing anything that uses fuel, it goes up? But when you're just idling, it sits there all calm and still?

Player: Uh, I guess?

[your partner]: That's how you make me feel!

Player: Thanks? I think?

[your partner]: Don't worry about it.

          CHOICE: You must be really into me

[your partner]: Well... yeah.

[your partner]: I feel like I've made that pretty obvious.

Player: Still nice to hear it!

Narration: [your partner] kisses your knuckles where your hand is entwined with theirs.

[your partner]: So, how are you feeling after all that?

Player (thinking): How am I feeling about tonight?

          CHOICE: I don't like all the drama

Player: It stresses me out… I just wish everyone could get along.

[your partner]: Aw, I'm sorry, babe.

[your partner]: Would a lovely kiss make you feel better?

          CHOICE: I love all the drama!

Player: It's got my blood pumping, my heart racing… I hope it never ends.

[your partner]: Well, since you're so riled up… How about a heart-racing kiss?

          CHOICE: I couldn't care less about any of it

[your partner]: OK, OK. You'd better make the most of the drama now, anyway.

Player: She's making such a fuss over nothing.

Player: It's like I'm watching a terrible reality show called ‘Drama Player Doesn't Care About'.

[your partner]: I feel like I've seen that on TV at am… Since you're feeling so bored, how about a heart-racing kiss to get you excited?

Player (thinking): Do I want to make out with [your partner]?

          CHOICE: Let's do it!

          CHOICE: Absolutely

          CHOICE: I'm good for now

{insert kissing module} 

_

Narration: Suddenly the bedroom doors are kicked open and Will and Angie come storming in.

Will: Hey party people!

Angie: It's about to get crazy up in this bedroom!

Narration: They start pouring something fizzy into four champagne glasses.

[your partner]: Is that champagne?

Will: Nah, it's just sparkling water.

Angie: ‘Just'?

Narration: She pretends to cover the ears of the bottle.

Angie: Don't listen to the mean man, Sparky.

Will: Want a glass, Player?

Player (thinking): Do I want a glass of sparkling water?

          CHOICE: Yes please!

Player: Yum!

Narration: Angie pours you a glass and hands it to you.

          CHOICE: Ew, no

Player: It's a crime against nature.

Angie: For posterity's sake, I'm going to ignore that.

Narration: She pours you a glass anyway.

          CHOICE: What's this all about?

Will: We were having a mini-celebration in the kitchen.

Angie: About finally being free from Lexi's rubbish.

Will: But then we thought, who's been the most hard-done-by in this situation?

Angie: Definitely Player.

Will: So we decided to come and include you. And [your partner], since you don't get one without the other these days...

[your partner]: Hey!

Will: I didn't say it was a bad thing.

Player (thinking): Will and Angie are celebrating…

          CHOICE: That's so mean, you guys

Player: She's just a kid, whose boyfriend got stolen, who's just been kicked off a TV show!

Will: Aw, don't ruin it!

Angie: Now I feel mean.

Narration: Angie sips her sparkling water in silence.

          CHOICE: Ha, classic Wangie

Player: Just another one of those classic Wangie messarounds...

Will: Eh, we've not really interacted much.

Angie: There's a mutual respect there.

Will: And an understanding.

Angie: But not much of an interaction.

Will: No.

          CHOICE: I'll be the DJ!

Narration: You put one hand to your ear and pretend to be record-scratching.

Player: Wiki wiki what! Any requests?

Will: Can you play the recording of the first telephone call ever made?

Player: What? Why?

Will: It always makes me feel really calm when I hear it… Like, insignificant and significant all at the same time, you know?

Player (thinking): Do I know?

          CHOICE: Yes?

          CHOICE: No?

          CHOICE: What?

Player: I don't have that in my hypothetical repertoire.

Will: Shame...Do you want some sparkling water, [your partner]?

Narration: [your partner] chews on their lip.

[your partner]: No thank you.

Will: Suit yourself.

                        {if coupled with James}

[your partner]: You don't think it's a bit distasteful?

Will: Isn't all water distasteful?

[your partner]: No, I mean, celebrating a dumping... with sparkly water?

Angie: Only for a few minutes, then we'll go hug her and everything.

Narration: Angie and [your partner] lock eyes.She gives him a cheeky wink.

[your partner]: Fine, just a few minutes...

Narration: He tips his head back and downs a flute of sparkling water.

Will: Yaaay!

                        {if coupled with Bruno} 

[your partner]: Hell yeah! I love this stuff.

Narration: Will hands [your partner] a glass and they take a long sip.

[your partner]: No, wait, I was wrong. That was so gross. Why does my tongue feel itchy?

Angie: But doesn't itching it feel so good?

[your partner]: No! What is wrong with you?

                        {if coupled with Najuma} 

[your partner]: Come on, Will, this is kind of mean… Like, we all came in together.

Narration: Will dangles the champagne flute in front of [your partner] nose.

Will: Come on, you know you want it...

Narration: Najuma rolls her eyes, but quickly snatches the flute from his grasp.

Najuma: Alright. Just for a little while.

Will: Yaaay!

Narration: You hear muffled shouting from down the corridor.

Lexi: And that's where you can stick your life advice!

Angie: Uh oh...

Narration: Lexi strides into the bedroom.

Lexi: That Juliet, always sticking her nose in.

Narration: She hauls a huge suitcase onto the bed and starts piling clothes into it.

Will: Come on, you lot, let's go somewhere else.

Angie: Yeah, we'll meet by the Villa entrance for Lexi's goodbye.

Narration: Lexi glares at her as Angie ducks out of the bedroom, followed by Will and [your partner], who beckons you to follow them. You're about to turn and leave when you hear Kobi enter the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Kobi: Lexi… Can we talk?

Player (thinking): Ooh, this sounds juicy. Do I want to stay and listen to their conversation?

          CHOICE (Premium):Just for a little while…

          CHOICE: No, sounds private

Lexi: Ugh, you're still here, Player? You're like, obsessed with me tonight… It's fine, you've inserted yourself into my relationship so much, what's one last time?

Player (thinking): She doesn't seem to mind...

Player (thinking): Do I want to get the inside gossip from Lexi and Kobi?

          CHOICE (Premium): Sure, sounds juicy

          CHOICE: I'll go meet the others

Narration: You head out the door after everyone else, leaving Kobi and Lexi in peace.

Narration: You lean casually against the door.

Player: I'll stick around, if that's alright.

Narration: Lexi rolls her eyes.

Lexi: Fine, just, don't say anything, or breathe too loud.

Narration: She turns to Kobi with the same passionate anger, but no words come out of her mouth. Then she deflates suddenly, tears coming to her eyes, and throws her arms around him. Over her shoulder, he looks at you, completely bewildered,

Player (thinking): Kobi's looking to me for help!

          CHOICE: Shrug back

Narration: You just shrug. He looks lost.

          CHOICE: Blow him a kiss

Narration: You blow him a kiss. He reaches up to catch it, and throws it back at you,

Player: Wow, rude!

          CHOICE: Motion for him to hug her

Narration: You circle your arms and pretend to be hugging. Kobi nods, gingerly patting Lexi's back. 

Kobi: Are you OK, babe?

Lexi: No, babe! I've been trying to talk to you all night,

Kobi: I haven't spoken to you in hours!

Lexi: Yeah, I said trying.

Narration: She buries her head in his chest, and he pets her hair gently.

Kobi: Lex, you just need to chill out a bit, OK?

Player (thinking): Oh no... he just told her to chill!

Kobi: I think you really hurt some people's feelings tonight.

Lexi: Did I hurt your feelings?

Kobi: Well, no.

Lexi: Good, that's all I care about.

Player (thinking): Wow, I'm right here.

Lexi: So, when we're both back in England, we're meeting up, yeah?

Kobi: Uh, I dunno, Lexi. I don't exactly have a calendar on me.

Narration: Lexi pulls back from him suddenly.

Lexi: What? But we made all those plans?

Kobi: I dunno... things were different then. We're not coupled up anymore,

Lexi: Who cares about all of that now? I'm leaving!

Player (thinking): Kobi seems really uncomfortable

          CHOICE: Make everything worse

Player: Yeah, Kobi, you don't want to see Lexi on the outside? I thought what you two had was real!

Narration: Kobi glares at you. You give him a cheeky wink.

          CHOICE: Try to distract Lexi

Narration: You slam the door behind you loudly,

Player: OMG, you guys, I didn't do that! The Villa must be haunted!

Lexi: That was obviously you! But if you wanted to leave this plane of existence, I wouldn't stop you, hun,

Narration: You blink as she turns back to Kobi

          CHOICE: Offer to meet up with Lexi yourself

Player: I'll hang out with you on the outside, Lexi!

Narration: She turns to you slowly and gives you a withering look.

Lexi: Thank you, Player. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Kobi: Lex, it's just, I want to give Juliet a chance. But if she finds out we made plans to meet up, it'll be over before it's began.

Lexi: So don't tell her!

Kobi: I'm not crazy about lying either.

Narration: Lexi stomps her foot.

Lexi: It's not fair! Juliet could have chosen any couple to break up. Why did she have to choose us?

Kobi: It wasn't really her fault, babe.

Narration: Lexi takes a deep breath in through her nose, and exhales through her mouth.

Lexi: It's fine. It's all fine. It's only a matter of time before you realise she has nothing to offer you and come running back to me.

Kobi: Lexi, that's so unfair.

Narration: She catches your eye over Kobi's shoulder,

Lexi: What do you think, Player?

Player: Me?!

Lexi: Do you think Kobi and Juliet will like, get married and have babies? Or will he come running back to me with his tail between his legs before too long?

Player (thinking): What's my opinion on Kobi and Juliet?

          CHOICE: It's doomed

Player: I'm sorry Kobi, I just don't see it working out.

Lexi: Hah!

Kobi: That's OK. You're allowed to have an opinion.

Lexi: Ugh, whatever. This is between me and Kobi, Player. 

          CHOICE: I think you two could work

Player: It's early days, but I could see a future there.

Kobi: Hey, thanks, Player.

Lexi: Ugh, whatever. This is between me and Kobi, Player.

          CHOICE: Please don't involve me in your argument

Kobi: Yeah, you're doing that annoying thing where you drag a third person into a couple argument.

Lexi: No I'm not! I don't care what Player thinks.

Player: You literally asked me for my opinion.

Lexi: Really? That doesn't sound like me.

Narration: She gets a text and checks her phone.

Lexi: My half hour is up,

Narration: She looks up at Kobi with huge eyes.

Lexi: Alright, no more messing around. I just want you to know that I like you. A lot. Everything I've done in here has been for you, for our relationship. I know I got excited when the new boys came in, but that was just an act. I promise I'll always be nice to you,

Narration: Lexi gets on her tip toes and kisses Kobi on the cheek. He stares at her while she zips up her suitcase.

Kobi: Lexi.

Lexi: Yes?

Narration: Kobi searches for words, but can't find any.

Lexi: That's what I thought.

Narration: She grabs the handle of her suitcase and strides out of the bedroom, bumping shoulders with you as she goes. You turn to Kobi. He's still staring off into space, speechless.

Player (thinking): That was intense.

          CHOICE: Go after Lexi

Narration: You head towards the Villa entrance after Lexi, leaving Kobi alone with his thoughts.

          CHOICE: Comfort Kobi

Narration: You offer your arms to Kobi. He accepts the hug gratefully.

Kobi: You don't think I was too harsh, do you?

Player: No, not at all. You did the right thing. 

Kobi: Thanks, Player. I'm really glad you were here. I don't think I could have said all of that on my own.

Player: I'll always be here for you, mate.

Kobi: I hope she sees it that way too, eventually. Come on, let's go say goodbye.

Narration: You head out towards the Villa entrance with Kobi.

          CHOICE: Ask Kobi who he voted to save

Player: Kobi?

Kobi: Yeah?

Player: Who did you vote to save?

Narration: Kobi shrugs and wipes his nose.

Kobi: I voted for Lexi,

Player: I thought you might have changed your mind.

Kobi: Nah, I wouldn't do that,

Player: You're a loyal guy, Kobi,

Kobi: Thanks, Player. I needed to hear that right now. Come on, let's go say goodbye.

_

Narration: You head out towards the Villa entrance with Kobi.

Narration: As you approach the Villa entrance, you find that all the other Islanders have gathered to say goodbye to Lexi. You catch up with the others by the Villa entrance.

Juliet: I can't help but feel like this is partly my fault...

Narration: No one says anything.

Juliet: That's the part where you all are supposed to tell me it's not...

Youcef: It kind of was your fault.

Thabi: But that's fine! We know you had to make a choice!

Angie: Well, it's how the game works.

Player (thinking): Everyone thinks this is Juliet's fault…

          CHOICE: Yeah, we should be thanking her

Player: Thanks, Juliet!

Juliet: No problem?

          CHOICE: It wasn't her fault

Player: This is just how the game works. People get dumped.

Najuma: Yeah, and people get saved!

Narration: Najuma high-fives Will.

          CHOICE: It was all of our faults

Player: Pretty much all of us voted to save Youcef/Najuma.

Najuma: Can I just say that I am so grateful? Seriously.

                        {if voted to save Lexi} 

Player: I voted to save Lexi, so it definitely wasn't my fault. If you're passing around blame, you should look at yourselves.

Narration: Everyone is quiet for a moment.

Angie: Nah, I blame Juliet still.

Juliet: Hey!

Angie: Kidding, hun.

Narration: The doors to the Villa open and Lexi strides through, lugging a huge suitcase behind her. Kobi is close behind.

Lexi: Oh my gosh, you guys all came to see me off!

Narration: Thabi smiles.

Thabi: We came to see you off!

Narration: Lexi holds both hands to her chest.

Lexi: This is so sweet! I didn't prepare a speech, so this is gonna be off the top of my head...

Angie: Oh, you don't have to...

Lexi: When I first entered this Villa, I was just a wide eyed young girl. Now, I leave a woman.

Will: Oh, wow...

Lexi: Even though this show will be totally more boring after I leave.... I'm glad I got to spread the truth before I left. Hopefully you guys will think about what I've said, and thank me.

Player (thinking): Lexi's painting herself as the hero…

          CHOICE: Thank you, queen

Narration: You give Lexi a small bow.

Player: Thank you, Lexi.

Lexi: Alright, Player, leave off.

Player: I'm being serious!

Narration: She just rolls her eyes.

          CHOICE: You're no hero

Player: You insulted half the people in the Villa tonight!

Lexi: Just cos something is true, doesn't mean it's an insult, hun.

          CHOICE: I'm the hero!

Player: You're welcome, everyone.

Narration: She just rolls her eyes.

                        {if voted to save Lexi} 

Lexi: I just wanna thank [your partner] and Player.. I'm pretty sure you guys are the only people that voted to save me...

Player: No worries.

Juliet: We voted for you too!

Lexi: Yeah, but one of you dumped me, and one of you stole my boyfriend, so...

Narration: Lexi turns away from them and opens her arms to the rest of the group.

Lexi: Group hug before I go?

                        {if voted to save Najuma/Youcef}

Narration: [your partner] shoots you a panicked look.

Lexi: What was that?

[your partner]: What was what?

Lexi: You just gave her a look...

[your partner]: No I didn't!

Lexi: Did you two not vote for me? You promised me!

Player: It wouldn't have made a difference either way, Lexi. You would have still been dumped!

Lexi: Oh, I know that. I just find it really satisfying that I've been saying this whole time that you're untrustworthy… And I've finally been proved right. I hope this is a lesson to all of you… Player is not to be trusted.

Narration: She turns her back on you and opens her arms to everyone else.

Lexi: Group hug, you guys?

Narration: There's an awkward silence. Thabi steps forwards.

Thabi: Group hug!

Narration: Lexi wraps her arms around Thabi and squeezes her. Then she holds out an arm in your direction.

Player (thinking): Lexi's offering a group hug…

          CHOICE: Join in {low relationship with Lexi}

Narration: You join in the group hug behind Thabi.

Lexi: Who's that? I can't see.

Player: It's me! Player!

Lexi: Ugh, get out of here, Player!

Narration: She pushes you out of the hug.

Player: Wow, rude!

          CHOICE: Join in {high relationship with Lexi}

Narration: You join in the group hug behind Thabi.

Lexi: Player? Is that you?

Player: Yeah!

Lexi: Aw, babe! I know we've always had our differences, but this means a lot to me.

          CHOICE: Politely decline

Player: I'll keep my arms to myself, thanks.

Lexi: Ugh, I obviously wasn't asking you, Player.

Player: Good, I didn't want to be in your hug anyway.

Lexi: Good!

          CHOICE: Pretend to join in but fake out

Narration: You act like you're about to join the hug, but back out at the last second.

Player: Psych!

Lexi: What? I didn't see anything.

Narration: Lexi's view is obscured by Thabi's hug.

Player (thinking): Ugh, she didn't even see my sick burn…

Lexi: Any other takers? No? I don't care. Thabi is my bestie and that's all that matters.

Narration: Lexi clings to Thabi tighter.

Lexi: Screw all you guys, I hope Thabi wins.

Thabi: Aww!

Lexi: Remember me when you're famous, girl! So that we can book appearances together, hit up the club circuit...

Thabi: Huh?

Lexi: When you're the winner of Love Island, everyone wants a piece of you! And you'd take me along with you, right?

Narration: Thabi slowly starts to pull herself from Lexi's grip.

Thabi: Sure, Lexi...

Narration: She goes to stand by Youcef. He takes her hand.

                        {if high relationship with Lexi}

Narration: Lexi is still clinging to you.

Player: Hun, it might be time to let go....

Lexi: But… OK.

Narration: She releases you. You feel the blood rush back to your arms.

Narration: Lexi stares forlornly at the double doors.

Lexi: Well, this is it...

Narration: [your partner] puts their arm around you and pulls you to their side.

Player (thinking): Lexi is leaving…

          CHOICE: It'll be quiet here without you

Lexi: I'm gonna choose to take that as a compliment.

          CHOICE: I'll miss you!

Lexi: Of course you will. You'll all miss me eventually. You just don't realise it yet.

          CHOICE: Bye, Lexi Longhole

Narration: You hear a few snickers from the other Islanders.

Lexi: Really? You hug me and let me think we've reconciled, and then you do this? There's something wrong with you, Player…

Narration: She flips a rude finger at you. Lexi shakes out her hair behind her, plasters a stunning grin on her face, and strides out of the Villa without another word.

Narration: [your partner] squeezes your hand as you all stare out into the night.

[your partner]: Bedtime?

Player: Bedtime.

Narration: [your partner] leads you by the hand back towards the bedroom.

_

Narrator: ♫ There she goes... strolling through the enchanted meadows... ♫ ♫ It's Miss Snufflepuss, and she's leaving all her fellows... ♫ You can't see it, but I totally just did jazz hands there. We'll miss ya, Lexi! But still waters never stay still for long...

Juliet: Oh gosh! I got a text!

Narrator: That's right, it's all kicking off here on Love Island!

[your partner]: OK, let's grab some strawberries to go on top.

Narrator: On top of what, [your partner]? You'll just have to stay tuned to find out.

[literaphobe]

WAIT WAIT I was scrolling through your blog and you said you watch running man?? oh my goood question! who is your favourite member? thought on kwang soo leaving running man? (also maybe gary and joong ki if you are there when they leave) thought on the new members? fav ep? i'm sorry but it been so long i found people who watch running man

unless you talking about a different running man then...I'm sorry please delete this post and sorry for bothering you

MY FAVE MEMBER. is. no surprise. SONG JIHYO. aka goddess and best at everything. i think i’m very drawn to personalities that always dominate n come out on top. jihyo isn’t really known for being the ace of running man anymore but in my heart she always is :( i also am a HUGE fan of her goddess of luck image like she isn’t as crazily lucky these days bc kwangsoo (icon of misfortune) is gone but if anything makes me believe in supernatural like. the concept of LUCK being a real force in the universe it would be because of her. the way she overcomes odds n comes out on top despite being a bit of an underdog in many situations is SO hot to me. here’s some pictures of her

she’s like. u know how george is like effortlessly pretty despite being just so idc about it? yeah thats HER like she doesn’t give a shit she just wakes up rolls out of bed n goes to work. she falls asleep everywhere too. one time they played giant jenga and one of them had to be on top of the jenga as a ‘risk’ for the jenga tower dying n at the time running man was 6 men 1 woman (her) and they asked her to do it bc they were all scared n she’s the bravest member (she once bungee jumped off a 233m tall building to HELP one of them she literally didnt have to either she just went WEEEEE they all worship the ground she walks on out of respect shes just so cool)

anyway here’s her sleeping on the jenga tower

like???? shes so funny. my second favorite member is kim jongkook n my fave pair on the show is them both :) jongkook is the super jacked guy whos also really smart n good at everything. like u know how whenever george/sapnap/anyone dying screams for dream to help them when they need saving in minecraft? thats like every running man member w jongkook

ANYWAY FAVE EP…. there are so many. i swear to god. but if i were to recommend episodes to start w i’d say the superpowers episode? when they all had superpowers n had to fight to the death (ep74) and the second yoomes bond ep (ep91, i LOVE yoo jaesuk my beloved nation’s mc), the princess race ep (ep103), n park jisung soccer eps (95, 96, 97) OH FUCK THE ZOMBIE EP WHEN THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS FUCKING SICK TOO (ep98) and like uhhhh the baseball ep!! (ep119) and i’ll stop here bc the second people realize i have many episode numbers memorized i’ll look like a crazy person

BUT TO BE FAIR running man is the most popular korean variety show ever these mfs are straight up like A KPOP GROUP. they’ve held fan meetings which r straight up CONCERTS they sing dance etc etc they’re CRAZY u don’t GET IT they are a PHENOMENON,,, jackie chan was on this show RYAN REYNOLDS N TOM CRUISE WERE ON THIS SHOW

running man is literally what happens if u put a bunch of singers, actors, and comedians together n made them do crazy shit (literally everything under the sun has happened on running man. name anything PG. they prob did it on running man) AND THEY BECAME A FOUND FAMILYYYY and its so funny

i think joongki is so sweet n my beloved but i think ultimately him leaving helped the RM dynamic tighten up?? n it improved bc of it?? idk tho maybe itd be just as good if he stayed. i also was a tiny bit upset when gary left n it hurt the show for a while :( gary was so funny but also I HATE MONDAY COUPLE. FUCK MONDAY COUPLE IT TRAPPED JIHYO FOR SO LONG I HATED THAT SHIT. like its so crazy too bc imo they should never have had a loveline but if anything… do it w jongkook the one guy whos actually hot n has enough chemistry w her? they literally were called a ‘power duo’ all the time like brooooo i was so oppressed for liking their dynamic :( BUT HAHAHAHAHAH NOW JONGKOOK N JIHYO R FLIRTING ON THE SHOW ITS SO FUNNYYYY like yaaaassss straightbaiting 😍 its so funny too like there were times when monday couple was a Thing so the other members couldn’t “ship” other pairings but sometimes jongkook n jihyo would be so sus that they couldn’t help BUT say something u know but NOW ALL THE MEMBERS ARE FREE. yoo jaesuk risks his life every week to ship them and the others LOVE to fucking tease them

also kwangsoo leaving made me really sad but his injuries were too bad for him to risk his body every week like that :( all the members have slipped disks n severe back problems because of all the ways they hurt themselves making the show :( i hope kwangsoo comes back to guest soon tho like hes not Permanently gone the way gary is like gary straight up refuses to ever be on running man ever again LOL

also i like somin and sechan :D i admit i do prefer old running man dynamics but the current family is v cozy!! i think their loveline is sweet but i also think its HILARIOUS how the members mostly jaesuk don’t “care” as much about it like in that well get together sure but what we’re REALLY here to do is make fun of jongkook n jihyo ^_^ like they r cute its sweet ALSO somin being added is SO good bc YAY more than one woman also THEIR DYNAMIC IS SO CUTE like anyone remember that time they sabotaged each other in the game where they were competing by kissing each other?? good times

sorry for talking so much running man is literally one of my fave shows EVER n it hasn’t ended despite being a weekly show thats been running since 2010 (theres like over 500 episodes i KNOW im INSANE) like bro at the peak of my hyperfixation on this show I LEARNED THE FUCKING KOREAN LANGUAGE SO I COULD WATCH IT LIVE WHEN IT AIREDDDDD IM CRAZY FR

[imjustthemechanic]

Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship

Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun Part 4/? - Not At Rest Part 5/? - Dead Men Tell no Tales Part 6/? - Sitamun Rises Again Part 7/? - The Curse of Madame Desrosiers Part 8/? - Sabotage at Guedelon Part 9/? - A Miracle Part 10/? - Desrosiers’ Elixir Part 11/? - Athens in October Part 12/? - The Man in Black Part 13/? - Mr. Neustadt Part 14/? - The Other Side of the Story Part 15/? - A Favour Part 16/? - A Knock on the Window Part 17/? - Sir Stephen and Buckeye Part 18/? - Books of Alchemy Part 19/? - The Answers Part 20/? - A Gift Left Behind Part 21/? - Santorini Part 22/? - What the Doves Found Part 23/? - A Thief in the Night Part 24/? - Healing Part 25/? - Newton’s Code Part 26/? - Montenegro Part 27/? - The Lost Relic Part 28/? - The Homunculinus Part 29/? - The End is Near Part 30/? - The Face of Evil Part 31/? - The Morning After Part 32/? - Next Stop Part 33/? - A Sighting in Messina Part 34/? - Taormina Part 35/? - Burning Part 36/? - Recovery Part 37/? - Pilgrimage to Vesuvius Part 38/? - The Scent of Hell Part 39/? - She’ll be Coming Down the Mountain Part 40/? - Stowaways Part 41/? - Bon Voyage Part 42/? - Turnabout Part 43/? - The Apple

It’s quiet.  Too quiet.

For a moment there was silence.  It was Sir Stephen who broke it.

“If we are to agree,” he said, “then there must be one thing I insist upon.”

“And what’s that?” Newton asked cautiously.

“You must make no more of those.”  He nodded at the Steward homunculus.  “And you must give me the remains you have used as a template, so I may have them properly interred on English soil.  That man was my friend, Sir James Buckeye, and I am weary of seeing his face everywhere and having it not know me.”

Newton looked at the steward, then at Jim, then at Sir Stephen again.  Sir Stephen nodded gravely.  He was sitting up straight, his hands clasped on the table in front of him, and he looked like a rock in the face of a storm.

“Very well,” said Newton. “The remains aren’t here, though – they’re at my workshop in Athens.  I’ll give them to you when we’re finished in Barcelona.”

“I would like some token, to show that you mean it,” said Sir Stephen.

Newton beckoned the Steward homunculus to come closer.  It obeyed, whereupon Newton stood, and reached to pinch the man’s throat on either side of the windpipe.  The empty uniform dropped to the ground in a puff of gray dust.

Jim quickly lowered his head.  He hadn’t wanted to see that, but now he was too late not to.

“Is that token enough?” asked Newton.

“It will do,” Sir Stephen decided.

Natasha had never been on a cruise ship.  She’d travelled by boat, as both passenger and crew, but never in this sort of luxury, and she was out of practice at elegant dining.  The CAAP had eaten with royalty a couple of times, but even that wasn’t this formal – her Majesty the Queen preferred to eat good wholesome food with her family and would drink brandy until she was telling bawdy jokes and somebody had to send the children to bed early. Here there was a string quartet playing, waiters were constantly at their elbow to top up her wine glass, and the room was full of the murmur of quiet conversations and the clink of silver and crystal.

As he’d promised, Newton had pulled some strings to get them a room they didn’t have to share with the Contessa’s menagerie, and had even found them some evening wear, apparently at shops on board the ship.  Nat was wearing a pink cocktail dress with a matching purse, and Sharon was in a powder blue gown that could have been fresh off a Milan runway.  Sir Stephen’s tuxedo was a little too small for him, so he was moving very carefully as he ate, worried about tearing it.  Allen, not a formal diner by nature, barely dared move at all.  Jim’s long hair was pulled back in a man-bun and he’d shaved, and in a tux Nat had to admit he looked very good indeed.

“So the apple,” Sam said.

“The apple!” Newton laughed.  He was in a suit and tie, although his own long hair hung down, and for the first time he was not wearing a hat.  Nat was a little disappointed to find that he wasn’t bald on top.  “I never expected that to end up being the story I was famous for.  It came from an argument with one of my students.  I was trying to explain that the same force which causes things to fall on Earth also keeps things moving in the heavens, and he simply refused to understand.  The thought experiment with the cannon was doing nothing for him.  He said that when he shook a tree, the apples fell down, rather than going into orbit – so I picked up an apple and threw it, and asked him to imagine that it kept going so fast that by the time it reached where the ground ought to be, the ground had curved away from it, and he finally understood!

“Then I thought,” Newton went on, “what is the apple? What does it mean?”  He looked expectantly around the table.

“Knowledge?” offered Allen.

“Yes, exactly!” Newton nodded, a smile on his face. “The apple which opened the eyes of Adam and Eve to the truth!  You see, people think alchemists are a bunch of superstitious fools, finding correspondences in things and basing all their practices around them, but you can’t argue when it works!  Thereafter I used a falling apple as an example of something under the influence of gravity, and the rest of the story, that one had hit me on the head and inspired me, grew all on its own.”  He snorted. “I think people like to find outside explanation’s for a great man’s insights.  It makes them feel better that they don’t share his genius.”

Nat was still nervous. This was all too nice.  Maybe it was just that she’d never been at a formal dinner where something wasn’t going on behind the scenes, but the idea that they were all just friends now seemed absurd.  Was she too comfortable with secrets, that she couldn’t feel at ease with open-ness?

Despite her nervousness, though, she still looked perfectly at ease as she sipped her wine. “What are you going to do with your gold, once you get it?” she asked.  “Is there something you’re planning to spend it on, or are you just going to make a big heap and sit on it?”

“Oh, I’m not going to make gold, actually,” said Newton.  “The Philosopher’s Stone can make anything, as long as its structure is fairly simple.  I’m going to use it to create large perfect sapphires for interstellar lasers.”

Natasha had been about to ask him where the feather from the Holy Dove came in, but her train of thought abruptly derailed when he started talking in terms of actual science. “I’m sorry?” she asked, not sure she’d heard right.

“You’re… you’re trying to communicate with aliens?” asked Sam, equally astonished.

“Yes!” said Newton. “Alchemy is nothing but a search for the truth, for the templates of nature, as you so eloquently put it yourselves. Other beings in the cosmos must be doing the same thing, and their templates will be slightly different, because their DNA is different, their language is different, their whole way of codifying information must be different, and it’s the codification that gives information power.  Think what we could learn from each other?”

“Alien alchemists.” Sam shook his head.  “There’s a phrase I never thought I’d hear.”

Nat caught Sir Stephen’s eye.  He gave a slight nod, and she returned it.  He was worried, too.  She tried Allen next, and found he still hadn’t touched his vichyssoise.

“It’s soup, Dad,” she murmured.  “You’re supposed to eat it.”

“It’s cold,” he replied.

“It’s supposed to be,” said Nat.  “Blame the French.”

He picked up his spoon. “I think you’ve been living in Britain too long, Ginger Snap,” he said.

“Not really,” she replied.  “The French have a lot to answer for.  Mayonnaise, for example.”

Allen chuckled, then had to raise his voice as the string quartet bowed before taking a break, and applause filled the room.  “So are you going to marry Jim?” he asked.

He’d intended it to be a private question, but the applause ended a little too soon, and he spoke the words marry Jim into the silence left behind.  The other people at the table turned to look at him and Nat, and Jim himself muttered a curse as he banged his elbow on the edge of the table in his surrise.

“Sorry,” said Allen quickly.  “What I meant was… well, obviously it’s up to you.”  He was speaking quietly now, but it was too late – everybody was already listening, including some people at neighbouring tables.  “But I wanted to say, don’t do it just for the soul thing. If you’re going to marry him, be sure that you love him.”

“Dad,” Nat said. Didn’t he realize he was just forcing his foot further and further down his throat?

He seemed to, but he was determined to continue regardless.  “What I’m saying is, don’t rush.  Newton said he could live a long time, so don’t feel you have to hurry. Your mother and I knew each other for two years before we settled down.”

“Dad,” she repeated.

“We figured if we could put up with each other that long, fight, and forgive each other, then we were okay for lie.”

“Dad!” Nat insisted. “Just… please stop.”  She held up a hand between them, as if to physically block his words.

Allen turned red. “Sorry,” he said, and took a big mouthful of his cold soup.

Unfortunately, Sir Stephen decided to chime in.  “I have thought for the beginning that Buckeye would have liked you, Natalie,” he said.  “He would have approved the match.  Jim, I know you said you do not care what Buckeye would have thought, but I know he would have felt responsible for you, as for a younger brother or even a son.”

Jim was still rubbing his elbow.  “You know what?” he asked.  “Nat’s right. Just stop.”

The other people at the table – and at a couple of nearby tables – laughed.  The strangers around them might not understand the situation, but they could tell that somebody was having their relationship discussed in public by friends and family, and laughed to ease the tension.  Natasha laughed too, because her own anxiety was high. It didn’t help.

After dinner there was a comedian performing in the ship’s theatre, and more dancing in the piazza. The big-screen TVs in the Orion Pub were showing a soccer game.  The spa and casino were open for business.  There were a million options for people who wanted to enjoy themselves, but Nat wasn’t interested in any of them.  She went out onto the Lido Deck where the last light of sunset was still visible in the sky, and leaned on the railing at the back of the ship, watching the stars come out to the east.  The lights of Naples, or at least of the Italian coastline, were still just barely visible on the horizon.

Sir Stephen joined her. “This isn’t right,” he said.

“You noticed,” Nat observed.  The dry sarcasm covered up her relief – she’d been itching to have a conversation about it, but couldn’t do so in front of Newton and Desrosiers.  She was actually surprised they’d let her leave.

“Newton is luring us into a trap, and Madame Desrosiers as well,” Sir Stephen said.  “We are all trapped already, here on this ship with the land far away.  It is a gilded cage, but a cage nonetheless.”

“Yes, yes it is,” Natasha agreed.  “I’ve been thinking.  If Newton wants to destroy civilization using the philosopher’s stone, could he do it on a ship?  We’re out in the middle of nowhere with nobody to stop him.  He said himself that we’ll be at sea all day tomorrow. What if he makes the stone right here and uses the ocean somehow?  We’re on a fault line.  It’s not as convenient as a volcano, but it might still work.”

“I think it more likely he means to destroy the ship,” said Sir Stephen.  “Or to abandon it and return to Naples, leaving us all stranded and unable to stop him.”

“If he can get off, we can get off,” said Nat.  “He would have to do something to be sure we couldn’t follow him.”  The idea of sinking the ship seemed plausible enough. Newton wouldn’t care about all the people on board – they would just get a head start on his end of the world.

The sky to the east was quite dark now.  The lights of the Scorpio II, with its many rooms, clubs, and parties, meant that only the very brightest stars were visible, and it was also possible to see a glint of orange sunlight, illuminating the summit of Mount Vesuvius.

[apexart-journal]

Derek Tumala in NYC, Day 5

Sunday chilly sunday in Staten Island. I took the free ferry cruise (25 mins) to outer borough Staten Is, which I think is fascinating a. because it’s free, b. it’s so easy to aboard. SI was like another city, a bit relax but filled with outlet shops. I am heading towards the Chinese Scholar Garden at Snug Harbor, in which transports me back to Asia. The story behind its inception and the meticulous details made the garden really special and I had some quiet time amidst the autumn cold. I was the only one there, I didn’t felt lonely, I felt lucky for having the whole place for myself. Snug Harbor features several spaces and I saw there was a space preparing for the Winter Lantern Festival. It looks fun but synthetic, something for the kids perhaps. The shops were closed and they are very few people, so I thought of just walking around. I went to a botanical garden beside it and sat. I saw one last rose bud in the garden, I thought it was special, so I took it (sorry). I thought of my father and family back home. It was so chilly that I tried to look for places to get warm, but yeah, most establishments were closed. I almost skipped the next activity, but I’m glad I didn’t.

The sea shanty session inside Bldg D was entertaining. Like watching a bunch of sea folks sing country songs and enjoying each other’s company. While I’m not familiar with the songs, I can imagine that some of these are from Mark Twain’s era or so. It transports me to older times and jolly simple days.

So after SI, I went back to the apartment and chill a bit. My last itinerary for the day is a stand-up comedy show called “Doctors without Boundaries” which I think is a spinoff of “Doctors without Borders” It was entertaining and informative (the comedians are doctors, giving medical advices in between). While there are too many jokes to quote, it was surprisingly inspiring and critical as well. One comedian says, “The reason you’re not progressing is because your habit is stronger than your hustle.”

As I walk away home from East Village, I found myself smiling and having a lighter feeling. It felt like a wrap-up of a hectic first week. Thinking of my habits and hustle, I thought, yeah maybe sometimes all I need is a good laugh and a 99c pizza to get by.

D

[vox]

Why Bill Maher’s use of the n-word finally crossed the line

It was a seemingly innocuous conversation about Nebraska. Suddenly, it took an uncomfortable turn.

Real Time host Bill Maher and Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE) were at first talking about Maher visiting the senator’s home state. Sasse quipped, “We’d love to have you work in the fields with us.” Maher then made his move, saying, “Work in the fields? Senator, I’m a house n*****.”

Maher immediately clarified that this was “a joke,” but the moment exploded on social media nonetheless. Black Lives Matter activist DeRay Mckesson said Maher “has got to go.” Sasse later acknowledged that he should have confronted Maher for his use of the n-word. HBO called what Maher did “completely inexcusable,” although it stopped short of firing him. And Maher himself later said, “The word was offensive and I regret saying it and am very sorry.”

This isn’t the first controversy Maher has been embroiled in. But Maher has generally gotten a pass for intolerant statements — perhaps because he’s on the left, because his shtick is in part about making offensive remarks, or because his remarks are often more subtle and come from the kinds of prejudice that many Americans are seemingly okay with. This time, it’s different.

What Maher actually said, and why it blew up in his face

Here is the full exchange between Maher and Sasse:

MAHER: Your book is so right about how we have actually kind of lost the thread of what adults are anymore in this country. Adults: They wear shorts everywhere, they have cereal for dinner, and they treat comic books like they’re literature. What is your prescription for this problem?

SASSE: More cereal for dinner. First of all, let’s not disagree about everything. So this is a constructive project, right? I’m not trying to beat up on millennials. But there’s something weird in human history if you can’t tell 10- and 15- and 20- and 25-year-olds apart, ’cause that’s new. Adolescence is a gift—

MAHER: Halloween used to be a kid thing.

SASSE: It’s not anymore?

MAHER: Not out here. No. Adults dress up for Halloween. They don’t do that in Nebraska?

SASSE: It’s frowned upon. Yeah. We don’t do that quite as much.

MAHER: I gotta get to Nebraska more.

SASSE: You’re welcome. We’d love to have you work in the fields with us.

MAHER: Work in the fields? Senator, I’m a house n*****.

Maher immediately clarified that this was supposed to be a joke — to laughs, cheers, and applause from the crowd.

That Maher immediately had to explain this was a joke shows that he, at that moment, must have known he crossed a line: After centuries of slavery, Jim Crow, and all sorts of racism in the US, white people in particular are simply not supposed to use the n-word.

As Wesley Morris wrote in the New York Times, “He didn’t commit a hate crime. He overstepped his privilege as a famous comedian. That’s all. But if he crossed a line, it’s one that, for white people, has never moved.”

Morris explained: “For a long time, black people have deployed slavery-derived hierarchies as a social and psycho-political sorting mechanism. A house assignment might have won a slave less arduous work but more suspicion and contempt from her counterparts in the fields. No one self-identifies as a house Negro — unless that person is making a joke. And even then that person probably shouldn’t be Bill Maher.”

The problem is further punctuated by Maher’s history, Morris wrote: “His track record inspires too much doubt to give any benefit.”

Maher has a long history of offensive comments

Muslim and Arab people in particular have long been the target of Maher’s ire, as shown by a video that made the rounds after former CNN host Larry King declared that “there’s not a racist bone in [Maher’s] body.”

Here is just a sampling of some of the comments Maher has made:

“Islam is the mother lode of bad ideas.”

“Just tell me two things, [former One Direction member] Zayn [Malik]. Which one in the band were you? And where were you during the Boston Marathon?”

“The most popular name in the United Kingdom, Great Britain — this was in the news this week — for babies this year was Muhammad. Am I racist to feel I’m alarmed by that? Because I am.”

“Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The reviews are not good.”

“Most Muslim people in the world do condone violence.”

“[Islam is] the only religion that acts like the mafia.”

Earlier this year, Maher also invited former Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos, who has repeatedly made Islamophobic and transphobic comments, to his show. The invitation drew criticism, since it gave Yiannopoulos a megaphone to spout his bigoted views. But Maher argued that the move was necessary to air out and challenge Yiannopoulos’s views in the free market of ideas. (Later, video surfaced of Yiannopoulos seemingly endorsing pedophilia, leading the ultra-conservative Breitbart to fire him.)

In that episode, when Yiannopoulos referred to the myth that trans women pose a danger to other women in the bathroom, Maher suggested, “That’s not unreasonable.” When he moved to another guest on the panel, Maher referred to trans people as “weirdos,” saying, “Where do you stand on weirdos peeing?” (Maher said he did it “just to fuck with him,” referring to the other guest, Republican Jack Kingston.)

The bathroom myth has been repeatedly used against trans people to push back against their civil rights. The argument, in short, is that if trans people are allowed to use the bathroom for their gender identity, either trans women or men who pose as trans women will sexually assault or harass women in bathrooms. There is literally zero evidence for this, as I have repeatedly explained. But the myth has been used to bar trans people from using the bathroom for their gender identity, with several states passing laws or considering bills to that effect.

Gavin Grimm, a trans teenager who’s sued his school for access to the right bathroom, best captured why these anti-trans policies are a big problem: “This wasn’t just about bathrooms. It was about the right to exist in public spaces for trans people,” he told me, quoting trans actress Laverne Cox. “Without the access to appropriate bathrooms, there’s so much that you’re limited in doing. If you try to imagine what your day would be like if you had absolutely no restrooms to use other than the home, it would take planning. You would probably find yourself avoiding liquids, probably avoiding eating, maybe [avoiding] going out in public for too long at a time.”

But in calling Yiannopoulos’s view reasonable and calling trans people “weirdos,” Maher perpetuated the myth, suggesting it’s okay to keep trans people out of bathrooms for their gender identity.

This is just one incident involving trans people. Maher, who identifies as a supporter of LGBTQ rights, mocked Caitlyn Jenner shortly after she came out as trans in 2015. In one segment, he called Jenner “a white man” and suggested she should go on a date with Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP official who was accused of posing as black. The “jokes” denied Jenner’s identity and suggested her identity as a woman is on equal grounds with Dolezal’s claim to blackness.

It’s not just Islamophobia and transphobia. When Hillary Clinton ran for president in 2008, Maher said, while playing clips of Clinton on the campaign trail:

I’m not trying to be sexist here, but I’m just saying that women try a lot of different tacks when they’re in arguments … I’m not being sexist, I’m just saying that men, when we argue, we’re kind of a one-trick pony — we try our thing, and then we sulk when we don’t get our way. … But look at Hillary Clinton … Because the first thing a woman does, of course, is cry … and then they go to sweet talking … and then they throw an anger fit totally unrelated to anything. … And when it doesn’t work, they bring out the sarcasm.

As a general rule of thumb, starting any statement with “I’m not trying to be sexist here, but…” is probably a sign you shouldn’t complete that sentence.

Maher’s comments exemplify why: He said he wasn’t trying to be sexist, but then he went on to make a bunch of sweeping comments about men and women by using the experiences and actions of a single woman. This is simply sexism by definition.

Some kinds of bigotry are often overlooked in the US

Maher’s shtick has long been controversy — in what he often characterizes as a battle against political correctness.

Maher, after all, lost his show on ABC, Politically Incorrect, when he characterized the US military as “cowards” and the terrorists who hijacked planes on 9/11 as brave. “We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away,” Maher said. “That’s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.”

Maher went to HBO in part so he could get away with comments like this. It’s part of his brand to make over-the-top remarks for laughs, even if they contribute little to the ongoing conversation or are offensive. In his view, it’s part of an important battle against censorship.

He elaborated on his philosophy in his interview with Milo Yiannopoulos. “I think you’re colossally wrong on a number of things. But if I banned everyone from my show who I thought was colossally wrong, I would be talking to myself,” Maher told Yiannopoulos. He later added, “You are so, let’s say, helped by the fact that liberals just always take the bait.”

It took Maher literally using the n-word to finally get some media outlets to hold him accountable. Perhaps that’s because Maher is a liberal, putting him on the side of most of the people who would be quick to condemn his bigotry, particularly against Muslim, Arab, and transgender Americans.

But part of the issue here is what counts as actual bigotry in America, and whether Islamophobia, transphobia, and certain kinds of sexism and misogyny really do cross the line for a large chunk of the population.

A Pew Research Center survey measured Americans’ “warmth” toward different religious groups, with Christians and Jews ranking the highest and atheists and Muslims ranking the lowest. And in studies conducted by Northwestern University psychologist Nour Kteily, researchers had participants rank different groups based on how evolved they are; among the set of groups provided, Muslims ranked the lowest.

Similarly, many Americans don’t quite understand why trans people should be allowed to use the bathroom for their gender identity. Many Americans really do hold sexist or misogynistic views about how women debate, argue, or otherwise assert themselves.

But many Americans are told that the n-word is inexcusable; it’s the one word almost anyone who’s even a little bit woke to racism knows is not allowed.

That helps explain why Maher’s past offenses didn’t cross the line for a lot of people, while his use of the n-word got HBO and him to apologize.

[racingtoaredlight]

Nobody Asked You, RTARL: Vol. IX

Dear E. Jean Butters: Let me start off by explaining that I'm not a woman with outrageous expectations. But the thought that I'll never find a man to be happy with is so frustrating, I've resorted to casual sexual encounters. And it's not like I'm high-maintenance. Nor am I a neurotic clinger who expects to meet Mr. Right at a bar or club. So how do I make it happen?

My last relationship ended two years ago and left me heartbroken. But I'm holding my head high and have not looked back. I don't want to sound conceited, but I'm kind, generous, low-key, and I have a good heart. I excel at my job, and I'm pretty—so I just don't get it. When I do manage to meet someone, we have dinner, then—nothing. Somehow they fall off the face of the planet. (I don't sleep with them that night. I'm not the dumb girl wondering why they don't call.) But now the dates are becoming fewer and fewer. I've had just one in the past seven months!—Where the Boys Aren't

Lacking real expectations? Desperate? Employed? LIKES DINNER? Girl, you’ve come to the right place for advice, the answer to all your questions has been right here all along in the form of this ready and willing blogger. If you’re shy about sharing a photo let me break the ice, hope you too like the Packers.

I am very committed to dinner and would be willing to drive all the way to the east side of Madison where there’s still a Red Lobster to show you a cheddary, biscuity good time. But to avoid the traditional “nothing” that follows perhaps taking in a movie would serve us well. Based on your screen name I assume (NSFW, especially you my love who excels at her job) you’re also a fan of my favorite film series. Ladies choice of course which we watch first, I have many of them on VHS:

Where the Boys Aren’t - It's all girls. It's bring-your-own-pajamas. It's the wettest, wildest slumber, bumper, rocking, rolling party on record. And even if you weren't invited, you can always drop in.

Speaking of not being invited, good chance my drug dealer stops by and he’s not about to leave during a lesbian pajama party movie so I hope you’re really committed to making new friends.

Where the Boys Aren’t 2 - Imagine this: Five showgirls shipwrecked with only each other for companionship. For warmth. For pleasure. No men. No skipper. No Gilligan. And of course, no Ginger, since she's making regular movies. Wait a minute. Stop. Why are you imagining this? Rent this tape. And see what happens.

I don’t get it, Mary Ann wasn’t a porn actress so why would she be there but not Ginger? Whoops, sorry m’lady, sometimes I get focused on some strange, unconventional things.

Where the Boys Aren't 3 - Tori. Heather. Jamie. Cheri. And Kelly Royce. Six horny former showgirls stranded after their boat capsizes off the coast of who-knows-where. We call it "Shipwrecked Showgirls." You'll call it Tori Welles, Jamie Summers and Heather Hunter naked on your TV. But that's okay. These art films are meant for personal interpretation. Enjoy.

Maybe these girls should try taking a plane! (You’ll find I’m very, very funny. I’d consider being a cruise ship comedian if I wasn’t so convinced from watching these movies that it will wreck and I’ll be murdered by the lesbians who want to just love each other).

Where the Boys Aren’t 4 - The New Gold Standard. Savannah and Jamie, video's most gorgeous blondes, are trapped in an all-girl boarding school with jealous sophomores, innocent recruits and horny alumni. Sound like typical adult fare? It's not. It's Savannah. It's Jamie. It's Paul Thomas. It's the Gold Standard.

Slow down with this gold standard shit and leave the editorializing to me. And what the fuck is Paul Thomas doing here if it’s where the boys AREN’T. Sorry sweetie, Part 4 is off the table and I’m throwing it into a trash fire right after I send my reply.

Where the Boys Aren’t 5 - Five girls. Six scenes. One Guy: You. All-New! All-Girl! No Bones About It!

Well there’s one bone right here! That, uh, you’re under no obligation to look at or scold in a German accent on our very first date.

Where the Boys Aren’t 6 - It used to be a men's club. But now it's all women- doing what women will do when they're relaxed- at ease- and into other women. It's WBA 6- featuring the return of Amber! The return of Christy! And Janine! In the all-star- all girl romp of all time. Are you all-man enough.

As a staunch feminist who is hoping you make enough at this fancy job of your to support me financially while I commit to making the most of a Netflix subscription, it’s empowering to see these lesbians thrive in a man-less world. We should hold hands during this one.

Where the Boys Aren’t 7 - Asia and Dyanna are a seemingly inseparable duo. Musically and personally. Dyanna sings. Asia plays piano. And business booms. In comes a pair of predatory record execs, Christy and Julia. And a predatory vixen named Janine, who has her eyes on innocent, young Jenna -- the new girl in town...

I know right? Seeing a young Jenna Jameson’s like going back and witnessing a young Ron Karkovice hit for the White Sox. Hope you like baseball since I like checking out new parks in the summer, sadly I doubt you’ll be able to come with me what with all the overtime you’ll have to put in to fund my expenses but I’d bring you home every nacho helmet I finish off.

Where the Boys Aren’t 8 -  Robert Cunningham is an extremely wealthy businessman. He's also dead. He's had several true loves, none of whom ever got along. But his will stipulates that if they are to share his fortune, they have to learn to like each other. And then some. Vivid presents our top supermodels, straight from the pages of the legendary Penthouse magazine Janine, Nikki, Jenteal, Dyanna Lauren, and Alexis Christian. In our most star-studded all-girl spectacular yet. WBA8. All your favorites. Without the staples.

At the risk of you thinking me too much of a geek for writing fan fiction about my favorite films and TV shows, yes I did pen an alternate story for this one where Robert Cunningham died with an erection and the girls all take turns riding it. Maybe if you agree to a second date I’ll let you read it LOL!

Where the Boys Aren’t 10 - The superstars of munch return for one wild, tenth anniversary lesbian spectacular! It's adult's most popular all-girl series for a reason It's all-hot, all-drenched, all-vibed and all out nasty as they wanna be! WTBA ... It's where you wanna be!

I don’t own the silly ninth installment because it’s a giant dream sequence and that’s not my bag, the only dream I’m interested in is the one where we’re trying each other’s shrimp trios at the Red Lobster on the east side. But that dream will be reality.

Well that about does it, I never bothered purchasing parts 11 through 17 since the return of the munch superstars in Part 10 was too perfect to end on, if we blow through all nine videos I have after our date I also have the entire series of The Critic so we can laugh until the sun comes up.

So to answer your question about how to fix your love life, email racingthroughtheredlight@gmail.com with your movie preference and when I should plan to be at the restaurant on the east side and I’ll move this letter into the Life Fixed pile.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

[imperialotakubot]

PENO- Prototype Transcript

(The first thing we see is a pair of three friends on a boat, a sparkly, superhero-looking girl, a feline/human hybrid wizard and a neon-colored purple boy telling them a funny story)

???: Then, ignoring me and Mom's warnings, my dear ol' Dad found the racoon under the trailer and his flannel shirt was never the same again!

(The other two laugh)

???: Dude, you tell the best stories!

???: Yeah, you should be a comedian!

???: I should, shouldn't I?

???: Yeah, yeah!

???: *Looks at his watch* Say, since it's lunchtime, what do you want, folks?

???: A cheeseburger.

???: *Holding a fishing pole* Sushi.

???: In that case friendo, me and Gem are gonna go get some fast food at a joint somewhere since I'm really craving hotdogs right now.

???: Sounds good, I'll guard the boat!

???: Good.

???: See ya!

(The wizard rowed the boat to shore so the other two can step out, leaving him alone for a bit)

???: And now, for some "me" time. ^__^

(He hummed as he opened up a can of magic, glowing worms and when he tries to put it on the hook, be accidentally pierces his finger)

???: Ouch!~ whoops...

(He plucks the hook off his finger and magically fixes the wound in his finger with a vital of a neon yellow oil he dabs on the said-wound, instantly healing it)

???: Good ol' hyper-frankincense.

(He sets up the bait properly and casts it into the water~ a few seconds later, a large ball of light quickly shot out of the water and onto the boat)

???: GYAAA!! *in his head* This is just like the great potion-mix up all over again!!

(He took a closer look as the light faded to reveal a girl with red hair and a white dress curled up in fetus position)

???: Oh?

(The girl woke up, stretched out and yawned adorably)

???: Hello there, what's your name?

???: BabyDoll.

???: That's cute, it really fits you.

BabyDoll: *Blushing* Thanks again, you're too kind~ and your name is?

???: My name is-

(Wish's two friends return)

???: Wish, we're back!

???: How about that cruise-line food?

Wish: *To BabyDoll* That's my name!

Wish: I got something even better than sushi, friendos!

???: Oh?

???: And who is that?

???: Gem, Ted, this is BabyDoll.

BabyDoll: Hello.

Ted: Hi!

Gem: Hey there, what brings you here?

BabyDoll: ....I am searching for somebody.

Ted: *Notices how childlike she seems to be* Is it your Mom?

BabyDoll: If my Mother was a wanted thief and part-time internet troll, then yes.

Wish: Oh, my!

BabyDoll: But in all seriousness, I need to go, fast, before he steals yet another precious artifact! *she is about to run until Ted speaks up*

Ted: Wait, maybe we can help you...

BabyDoll: You can?

All Three: Sure!

BabyDoll: Thank you for your offer.

Gem: So who is this person exactly?

BabyDoll: His name is "Charlemagne Chartreuse" and for his crime sprees involving stealing the crown jewels of powerful figures across the world, hacking countless computers and Rick-Rolling the great Erin of the East during one of their speeches~ he is branded as Public Enemy Number One.

Wish: He sounds like a real wild card...

Gem: More like a pest.

Ted: Did he ever go to prison and just happened to break loose?

BabyDoll: Nope~ he's super elusive and after countless tries of catching him, all authority figures have failed miserably to even see him in real life since 1998, the year he tried to hijack that giant red robot....oh wait that might have been a year earlier.

All: Woaaaaah....

BabyDoll: After learning about him on the news, I was determined to find him~ no one thought that a mermaid princess at such a young age could actually be able to even nearly catch a thief but somehow, I did, once....when I was a little girl stumbling about in the dark, I saw him for myself, trying to steal my parent's crowns and I since I knew they  where gonna be unhappy about their stuff being missing, I simply punched him in the gut and yelled for my parents about a creeper in the throne room; but when the whole nation learned about my rare encounter, they believed I was lucky enough to come across him again so they granted me the body of a superhuman powerful enough to finally catch him, beat him at his game and get him out of the galaxy's hair forever.

Gem: So when do we go looking for this guy?

BabyDoll: News reports have speculated him arriving in the museum tonight at 11pm sharp to steal the legendary golden anchor so we're gonna hide in the nearby artifacts and keep a look out for him, then when he shows up, we quietly sneak up on him and break all his bones so he won't steal or hack anything again!

Gem and Ted: Cool!

Wish: Sounds dark and a liiiiittle complicated, so maybe we should freeze him?

BabyDoll: What if he thaws out?

Wish: What if he goes to the hospital to get an operation?

BabyDoll: Touché, pussycat.

Ted: It's settled, we should do both!

Gem: Wouldn't it be smarter to throw him in jail....on top of all three of your suggestions?

The Other Three: *Beat* Yeah! :D

(We cut to much later where we see them entering a museum, juuuust before it closes)

Manager: Thank you for touring our museum, have a nice time.

Gem: Thanks!

Ted: *Whispers* So when do when do we start hiding?

BabyDoll: In about 15 minutes, enough time for us to find the golden anchor.

Wish: Good thinking.

Gem: There it is!

(Gem pointed to the anchor on display, fawned over by a crowd of people)

Ted: In all of it's glory, too.

Wish: It's beaaaaauuuutiful!

BabyDoll: I wonder if it was a gift to a powerful figure...

Gem: Seriously, they wasted all that gold for a freaking anchor?

BabyDoll: Alright, that's enough of the commentary, we gotta hide fast!

(They spot a huge vase and squeeze inside of it, but Wish popped out since admittingly it wasn't that huge~ ^^')

Wish: *To the Vase* What am I, chopped liver?

(He spotted a statue of your typical Pieta piece)

Wish: Perfecto!

(He put 2 variants of magic dust on Mary's robes that made it as if it was actual fabric so he could fit snug underneath and keep an eye out for Charlemagne but moments later, he still hasn't shown up!)

BabyDoll: Where the booger is he supposed to be?

Ted: Yeah, it’s half-past midnight, what's taking him so long?

Gem: Maybe he had to take a not-so-quick stop at the little boy's room?

BabyDoll: Maybe it was just a wild rumor blown out of proportion, sorry I had you guys caught up in this ruse, we should just go home...

Ted: Don't feel bad.

Gem:  It was kinda fun hanging out with you today, even if we didn't get to catch a thief.

(They got out of the vase, but ended up getting stuffed into a duffel bag, where they found Wish)

Wish: Guys, Charlemagne is in the building!

BabyDoll: We can tell.....KAMEHAMEHA!!

(BabyDoll blasted herself and her friends out of the bag and into Charlemagne's face)

Charlemagne: AAAAAAARGH, I CAN'T SEE!

BabyDoll: Call it karma, Charlie Brownish-Green!

Charlemagne: It's you, the little twerp who ratted me out to the king and queen~ you'll never be able to catch me, ever!

(BabyDoll grabbed Charlemagne's ankle)

BabyDoll: I can!

(And then she bodyslammed him)

BabyDoll: And I will!

(Again...)

BabyDoll: I can!

(And again~ you probably see where this gag is going.)

BabyDoll: And I will!

(Wish got his elements together and casted a frost spell on Charlemagne, freezing him into a giant block of ice)

Charlemagne: *In his head* And to think, I thought I'd never met a popsicle I never liked.

Gem: Hey wait, how do we get out of the museum?!

Ted: Easy!

(Ted pushed the cold turkey into the duffel bag from before and attempts to smash a nearby window with him until the rest stop him)

All: DEAR GOD, NO!

Wish: If only I brought the right materials for us to phase out of the walls...

Gem: Actually we could ask one of the museum guards nicely to let us out!

Wish and Ted: Okay!

BabyDoll: And how do we know none of them fell aslee-*She spots one of the guards shaking hands with Gem*....Very well. :3

(Cut to the police station, where the gang present the bag to a cop at the local station)

BabyDoll: Man, I wonder how hyped my folks are gonna be when they hear about this!

Gem: Yeah, we're heroes!

BabyDoll: Thanks guys, I couldn't have done it without you...

Cop: Yup, it's Charlemagne alright, come take a look-'n-see.

(They are shown a crude doodle of a leprechaun-man exclaiming: "You'll never catch me Lucky Charlemagne!!" and holding a cereal box with Charlemagne's stuffed inside grinning with a drill in his hand)

Ted: ....Maybe I should have gotten that hole in the bag patched up.

(And the chaos continues...next time)

[hardknocklife1293-blog]

random

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?  drop mine all the damn time 5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?yesterday maybe 6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? food, my dog n coffee 7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?  cookie 8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? eyes 9. ONE FAVORITE SONG? praying kesha 10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? country 11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED: not saying 12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER: tmobile 13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: victoria secrets 14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD: 4 yrs 15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? maybe idk 16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?: nope 17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED: november maybe 18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY: my bf deff 19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND: 20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: starbucks count 21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD: idk 23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? diner or pizza shop 24. CAN YOU COOK? somewhat 25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE? a honda suv 26. BEST KISSER: me 27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: last week maybe 28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS: fast food eww n fish 29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: eyes maybe 30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: weight 32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?: 12 hours 33. FAVORITE MOVIE? grease and marly n me 34. CAN YOU SING? nope 35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? weekend 36. LAST KISS? 37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: stranger things> 38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT: phone and makeup and sometimes my dog 39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT: beach house 43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?: laptop 44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN? jeff dunham 45. DO YOU SMOKE? no 46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? with 47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?: dog n cats 48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: i guss 49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 3 50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? french toast 51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: sure do  to much 52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled 53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?: sometimes 54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: bf 55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: 56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?: 58 NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: 2 59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: pjs 60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC: 61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?: strawberry 62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?: yes 63. CAN YOU SWIM? yes 64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?: twist  strawberry  cookie dough 65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? no 66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: i like soda 68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: yes 69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON: spring n fall 70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? all time 71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?: 6 ish maybe 72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?: to cold so nothing 73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: month s ago 75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: buddy 76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED? cool 77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?? sleep n movie nights 78. BIRTHDATE: fall all im saying 79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?: psyc 85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?: yes 87. ARE YOU SMILING?: no 89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?: no 90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?: rome again or greese 92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?: no 93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: no 94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME? aria 95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: if i had one on maybe blue 96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?: nooo 97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?: no 98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: yes 99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?: no 100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: yes 101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?: yes 102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?: yes 103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?: mo 104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?

1. A is for age: 24

2. B is for beer of choice: none they aree nasty as fuck

3. C is for what you can't wait for right now: movie tommorow

4. D is for your dog's name:  blaze

5. E is for essential item you use everyday: phone

6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: superstore and chiago

7. G is for favorite game: sorry

8. H is for Home town: ny

9. I is for instruments you play: ewwwww no

Survey from <a href="http://modmyspaces.com/">ModMySpaces.com</a>

10. J is for favorite juice: apple and cranberry

11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick:   

12. L is for last food you ate: cookie

13. M is for marriage:  not yet

14. N is for your name:  not going to stay

15. O is for overnight hospital stays: last summer for 2 weeks

16. P is for people you can't live without: family all them

17. Q is for quote:

18. R is for Biggest Regret:  idk

19. S is for status: taken

Survey from <a href="http://modmyspaces.com/">ModMySpaces.com</a>

20. T is for time you woke up today:  6 am

21. U is for underwear you have on now:  pink

22. V is for vegetable you love:  all

23. W is for worst habit:  bite my nails alot

24. X is for x-rays you've had:  arm

25. Y is for yummy food you ate today?  pizza

26. Z is for the zodiac sign:

finsh the sentence

1. I love...   my dog 2. Right now I want... ice cream 3. I feel like... crap 4. I hate it when...  it rains 5. I fear...   spiders m clown 6. I'm lonely without...  family n dog 7. I need...   blankets 8. Today I...    went to class 9. Tomorrow I'm...  sleeping in big time 10. I just...  want sleep 11. I want to meet...adam levine 12. I'm hungry for...  ice cream 13. I love it when...  its warm out 14. I'm afraid of...  clowns 15. I'm listening to... 16. I'm wearing...  pjs 17. I wish I was in... somewheres hot 18. I'm craving... ice cream 19. I want to get... job 20. I can...   21. I can't...sleep anymore  22. I have...  pee 23. I haven't... 24. I'm nervous to... 25. My Mom thinks I'm... awsome 26. My Dad thinks I'm... cool 28. I'm happy when...it summer time 29. I'm sad when...  rains 30. I like eating...  pizza  hamburger  any bbq 31. I hate eating... bruscels 32. I love watching... comedy n horror 33. I love listening to... anything 34. I like playing... on my cell 35. I hate waking up to... loud sounds 36. I can see... 37. I'm glad that... it is spring 38. I'm disappointed that...  it cold 39. I look like... poop 40. I wish I looked like...

[annieinamerica]

WHERE HAVE I BEEN AND WHY HAVENT I BEEN BLOGGING???

I want to start off by making it clear that when I started this blog I 100% was thinking I would be writing weekly and really sticking to it! I promise!!!!!!

But after a few very busy and eventful weeks I really thought that I might have to quit- that I was too far behind to keep it going. BUT I am never one to quit something once I’ve started (maybe that’s a lie) and have decided to push through with this blog regardless!

It’s gonna be a long one, but luckily for you, reader, things have been pretty interesting lately and I have a few great updates to tell you about! So grab a snack and settle in…

 1.     THE FAM CAME TO VISIT!!!!!!

I’ve been wanting to write about this week since it happened, but somehow thinking about it makes me both happy and sad because it was one of the greatest weeks ever. Dad, Susie and Hugs preeeetty last minute decided that they were going to come visit me for a week at the end of June. I had the weekend booked off work and a few plans in store, but NOTHING could prepare me for seeing Hugs and how much he’d grown! Like a huge spidery beanstalk with SHOULDERS!! Like he’s grown into the giant he was always meant to be! Dad and Suze on the other hand looked pretty much the same, but I can’t even TELL you how good it was to see them. It literally warmed my soul. We had an awesome week of sightseeing, shopping, hiking, exploring and eating great food, and watching great movies. Highlights included visiting the pier in Santa Monica (my favourite place in LA), laying on the beach in Venice, hiking Griffith and losing Moz for about half an hour, funny ubery doobery rides, coffee in the arvo at Republic of Pie and Susie sleeping over every night and wasting no time in reminding me just how annoying she can be. (jks love ya snooze).

Overall it was a really great week, I’m very grateful for Dad for all the amazing food I ate and my new sneakers- dad, suze and I now all have matching adidias (Hugs opted for the Jordans because his feet are about a size 300 lol).

I came out of this week feeling very refreshed, motivated and excited. After they left I almost immediately got strep throat and had to take another week of dancing. (STREPISODE 6).

 2.     FAMILY ROADTRIP WITH MY AMERICAN FAM!!!!!

 So after the fam leaves, I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself, when I get a call from my American sis/BFFFFFFFFF Cierra. We catch up a bit about life- she’s dancing in Portland having just graduated college and mentions a family trip coming up, and loosely comments how she would love to bring me to a) catch up an b) escape being a third wheel. We look at each other through the phone screen and think WHY THE HELL NOT? And so I find myself a week later on a plane to Portland, Oregon to join the Chambo fam for a roadtrip up the north west of the US AND CANADA!!

           I Jump of the plane to be whisked into a car, and driven up to the small Mariner town of Astoria (on the border of Oregon and Washington), and so begins the road trip! We spend each day for a week exploring a new place before driving 3-5 hrs to the next one!

           From Astoria it was across through Washington up to Port Angeles, where we DROVE ONTO a ferry that took us across to Victoria on Vancouver Island!  A beautiful little town that was probably my favourite of all the locations. From there we drove up to Vancouver, where we spent and day riding bikes (I SURVIVED) and eating excellent food, and then it was up to Whistler for the night. The next day we did a 4 hr hike at the beautiful Joffre lakes in Pemberton, which was probably the highlight of the trip for me. The hike was very steep, and about 60-90 minutes between each lake, but being a hiking lover I lead the way! Despite it raining all morning and us being drowned RATS in a forest, the lakes were absolutely STUNNING and one of the MOST beautiful things I have ever seen. All my childhood visions of ‘SWAN LAKE’ were coming to life at these lakes!

           After this is was a 6 hr drive down to Seattle, which was very cute by the ocean with a cool skyline, great coffee and cute markets. I had such a great time with the Chambos! Cierra really is the greatest friend but her family made me feel completely at home and part of the crew! Huge thanks to Scott and Donna for everything, I’m super grateful and excited to have seen more of the WORLD!!

 3.     AN EXCELLENT WEEK OF DANCING AND SOME VERY INSPIRING FRIENDS.

Upon my return to LA I got straight back into the grind, and BOY was I ready! It had been a long 3 week break- 1 week with the fam, 1 week with the strep, and 1 week with the Chambos. I hit the ground running and had one of the best weeks of dancing so far. I remember when I studied ballet, for a long time I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Like you do the steps and the choreography, but then one day it all just CLICKS into place. Like suddenly your body really gets and understands the pathways you’re making and you sort of LEVEL UP. That’s what happened to me this week with the commercial stuff. It was like every class I took just felt awesome and easier and like suddenly I didn’t feel like this tryhard ballerina white girl, and suddenly I felt like everything was working how it was supposed to… and maybe I actually had… SWAG???

At the same time this was happening, literally all of my friends booked work. Carsyn (my LA bestie and life support) has been on dance team all her life in college and her absolute dream in life it to dance for an NBA or NFL team. For anyone who doesn’t know, Danceteam is a huge thing over here (google it) basically a team of dancers who dance/support their sporting team- however its quite a bit more than regular cheerleading and takes some bloody good dancers to do it. Whilst I was away in Vancouver, my friends auditioned for the LA Clippers team, possibly one of the most sought after teams in the US because of the hip hop style and cool choreography they do. (these girls aren’t skipping around and lookin pretty, theyre DANCING FULL OUT). Incredibly, Carsyn and another great friend Holly, MADE THE TEAM!!! OUT OF 350 PEOPLE!!!!! My first thought was OMG I SHOULD HAVE AUDITIONED WHAT HAVE I DONE… but after a second I was like, no this is perfect, obviously something else is in store for me.

BUT GET THIS!!!

The same week that they got their contract, Holly’s roommate (and another great friend of mine) Kelly got a phone call offering her a cruise ship contract. Shes been waiting for this for SO long as its her dream too, and now its happening!!

I thought to myself, ok I have to ride this wave!! Its my turn next! And immediately started looking for auditions.

The closest one was for some random show in Vegas… and there I reconnected with my fellow Aussie friend Estelle who I always seem to run into at auditions. We both got cut pretty early (turns out they were looking for tiny ballerinas) and went to get lunch and catch up. 1 week later.. and Estelle has just been booked for a China tour with an artist from over here!

I am now CERTAIN that my turn is coming next and I have a few auditions coming up so we’ll wait and see!!!

 4.     PHOTOSHOOTS, BLONDE AND MORE PHOTOSHOOTS

I’m lucky to be surrounded by talented people here, obviously every one of my friends in noho is a talented dancer, but even at Victoria’s Secret almost all of my coworkers have a separate passion on the side. Theres a comedian, music producer, dj, photographer, makeup artist, hair stylist, fashion designer and so on. One of my coworkers Gena, a twenty-something bra specialist, who actually the ability to tell anyones bra size just by looking at them, is also a specialist portrait-photographer. She charges thousands of dollars to shoot people and make them into the most glamorous versions of themselves, and she asked if I would shoot for her. She wanted to make a promo video for her business, using me in exchange for a free shoot. Of course I said yes!! Photos are to come- but I have posted my new headshot from that shoot!!

A few weeks later, I went blonde. HAHA!

Carsyn works at an amazing salon in Beverly Hills and I was lucky enough to be a model and have my hair done for FREE by their amazing lead stylist Sayaka. She wanted to do blonde so I said why not and so far I love it!

I’ll go back to brown eventually but for now I’m loving it- out here I look ‘more Aussie than ever’. It’s pretty important to have an established ‘look’ out here. For Carsyn it’s the white blonde bob, Kristyn has long black hair, Kelly has the bangs… And with all the black girls and Latinas out here my light brown hair didn’t really cut it. So now I’m like a beachy/summery blonde and I think that this could really help in my auditions… AAAND I had another shoot with Gena to get some updated headshots.