#I was like damn why's this feel heavier today. Lowkey? Kind of hard to move.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

kind of embarrassing that I'm out here struggling to pull my suitcase and then when I let go of it, the wind is like do you mind if I take this? then proceeds to start blowing it away.

[those-unspoken-things]

The end of things.

I don’t know if I’m writing this bc I’m feeling empty after watching my childhood hero’s move on, or if this is just the nudge I needed to write this but damn it’s been a long time coming. It truly seems like there are a few million things (yes exaggeration relax) that are bugging me and kinda pulling me into a valley but damn has it all come at once.

The thing that is really playing on my mind is death. Now disclaimer, I don’t wish it upon anyone, I am deathly scared of dying (pun intended) and it hurts when I see it; but it still is something that intertwines so meticulously that it deserves recognition. There are lessons to be learnt on every last breathe and there is a feeling that mustn’t be ignored on ever last word.

For as long as I can remember death has not be been something that controlled me. I never allowed it to dictate how I feel or act in a certain moment in time, but I always keep it as a drive and element of my story. Knowing that death would come for me one day, I always make every step in the betterment for the legacy I leave behind. Being able to do that in itself, in my eyes, is a blessing. One that is not so easily learnt or understood. I might not talk on death much in my time with people but when I play ahead, when I see what my legacy will be and how I will leave my name behind; it is death that is the last hurdle. See it is not something that will stop the name of mine, but something that will amplify it and give it further purpose.

The simplest way I can explain this is through this thought train. My relations with people are important yes, but what I value the most is how my relationship with someone continues past my existence. I do not want shrines built in my name or anything like that. More so I want certain lessons and understandings to be carried on and to influence the betterment of others long after I exist. This is something I have seen happen with others and have actually guided me through certain situations. The one scenario that plays in my head explaining this best is this; I am on my deathbed and everyone I know comes in one by one to talk to me, how does the conversation go. Now normally it will be sad and upsetting etc etc but more than that, what will I say to them. Similar to my other blog my last words will be of comfort to them, thanks for their company and time and a request to pass on the work (kindness, love etc), that I have tried to be an example of, forward. Now it is easy to say this to everyone and have my messages passed on in such a way, but what if my death does not grant the luxury of time. What if I don’t have this conversations, how will my past actions prove what I would say to these people. In essence, how can I tell the people I know what my heart feels for them without actually saying it to them.

It’s weird and odd to think of things like this, esp if it’s something that is guiding me to change. But I’ve seen it more as a lesson teaching me how to best approach situations and handle them in a way that represents me the best.

Along with this is the understanding of death. We find that death shows its face in someone’s last breathe. Which is essentially what it is. But for me it’s more than that. Death is the last of something. End of a relationship. End of time with someone. End of a feeling. End of choice. Each of these may seem just “something that happens” but for me I see it as a death of something close to me. It gives it more gravity that most will see and is why I carry a heavier heart at each of these moments. I think it’s one of the reasons why I’m writing about this now. I’ve seen death the last few months and it carry a shadow over me indeed, but today watching my bond with a feeling disappear so quickly and painlessly really emphasised how much it meant to me. The feeling and emotion behind something that is close to home is hard, and it is harder to talk about such things with anyone who does not respect and appreciate the feeling. Being hurt is hard, doing it alone is harder. Another topic for another day but the point stands, pain can be soothed with love.

(I’m lowkey picturing myself in like 10 years reading this back thinking I was either high or lost in my feelings Lool - future me, don’t laugh too hard, this sorry idiot was you not soo long ago :P lol)

It’s weird to be writing this as my first time writing in a while but it seems fitting. Something that has underlined every other feeling and been a hidden message behind every action; to be the reason why the above was written.

(Oh and for perspective, the thing I was talking about regarding the bond I lost today, it was the end of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and watching all my childhood hero’s finish their journeyed. Something I held close to my heart. Honestly this is probably just a cover story for what I’m actually feeling for other people but it is what it is.