#I was going to take a break but when motivation hits at 2am who am I to stop it…

[starry-mang0s]

More pretty outfits for the pink wall decal and queer bug 💛

Some little detail explanation:

I gave Scrabby an earring sort of thing that resembles his crystal and the ribbons around his arms are supposed to look like wings! Or at least have a wing texture. Also gave him a bug mandible motif on his skirt, corset belt, and necklace!

I didn’t have much to say for Prismos fit but I really like the ribbon I gave him :>

[likesrandomstuff]

Avalance Fic Recommendations Part 4

The final part of this series. Thanks to everyone who reblogged and liked, and a huge shout-out to @heywhereisperry who encouraged and motivated me into doing this.

As I said in Part 1, feel free to add any more stories you think should be recognised to any of these posts, and my ask box is open if you would like more detail on anything.

Part 1: Bite Sized

Part 2: Snacks

Part 3: Meals

Banquets (Over 75,000 words)

When you do not have anything you need to do in the next couple of days

You're My Miracle by bihexualmess

My tags: Ava is FBI, Sara is a Private Investigator, Rip brings Sara on for a case

This just got updated the other week and ruined multiple nights of sleep for me. At almost 350k words, still going, I don’t know how to explain without spoiling stuff that happens a long way in. There are so many layers to both Ava and Sara here, and the trauma, and the issues, and the fact they will not talk to each other about anything. I jumped on this a bit late, as the title and description didn’t grab me, but oh boy, I was missing out. I did get to read a heap of it in one go, but that doesn’t help the slow burn. I would start this even though it’s still a WIP, just because it will take you a while, to read, and also the storylines need time to settle in, because they are heavy, but just amazing. It is now the longest Avalance fic with the latest update.

this is the way that we love (like it's forever) by CoffeeAndArrows, moonlitprincess

My tags: College Avalance dated and broke up, five years later they meet again, Ava’s dating someone else

This fic had me crying in the lunchroom during my second week of work because I couldn’t not read during my lunch break, and it was hitting me so hard. That was after starting it at 10pm, reading to 2am, sleeping until 6am, reading until 11am a couple of days before. Warning for major character deaths; the funeral for one is alluded to in the description. If anyone says something bad about Jordan, I will not be happy; one of the best original characters I have ever read in a fic. Sara’s not in a great place initially, but she gets there. And there’s some cute flashbacks to college Legends too.

you make me smile (please stay for a while now) by CoffeeAndArrows, moonlitprincess

My tags: High School Rivals AU, Ava’s class president, Sara is the superstar soccer captain, they have more in common than they thought

I just looked at the word count for this, and it must be the first time I have, because wow! It is a journey! There’s a couple of prequel, sequel and interjection stories in this universe too. Ava has to deal with her family not being super supportive when she comes out. Sara has to deal with Laurel struggling and their mum having a clear favourite (Laurel). Most of the Legends have really great arcs in here as well. Ava’s family is great. I wanna hang out with her little sister. Don’t be like 2018 me who gives up after the first chapter because they are mad about what Laurel is going through. She’s fine, and there’s a heap of great Sara and Laurel moments. I recently re-read the last 10 chapters, and I still couldn’t stop myself from reading like it was the first time.

i am who you used to love (and you are just a memory) by justpalsbeingals

My tags: The Vow AU, but Ava makes some better choices early on, they’re married, Ava gets into an accident and loses all memory of Sara

I hate the movie this fic is based on. The movie’s fine, and it was a delight seeing Tatiana Maslany in it while I was watching Orphan Black, but basically it is my worst-case scenario, losing my memory. The fact that this fic kept me hooked despite that, is a testament to the quality. The fic itself says “light angst”, I say it’s much, much heavier than that, but that’s just me. Warning, there are some intense twists in here, and everyone is a bit OOC to me, memory loss being considered, which might not be your thing.

and i will stumble and fall (i'm still learning to love) by lucylikestowrite

My tags: SwanQueen kid fic AU, yes, I know go with me on this, Ava adopted Sara’s unexpected baby, said kid finds Sara years later

In general, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t like kid fics. Fics with future children coming back to meet their parents, or the couple going into the future? Some of my favourites ever. This has no time travel, but I trust Lucy. This story is under 75k, but the sequel is almost as long, so combined they’re over. The sequel is a WIP. I didn’t watch Once Upon a Time, but it’s the plot of the start of that, except the gay actually happens. There are a lot of issues our girls have to work through here, but the kid is so cute.

and we could try by plinys

My tags: it’s a story mostly told on twitter through fake screen shots of social media, Sara drunk messages Ava, Ava doesn’t block her

I’m sure this format of storytelling is not for everyone, and that’s okay! I was so confused by it at first. I would recommend starting with the shorter one, I can be your hero (in Part 2), just to see if you like it, before jumping into this. I read this when the epilogue, the fic, was released, and I was up until 5am because I couldn’t stop. It became part of my personality. Story wise, Sara and Ava are on different coasts, but both know Nate, Ray and Nora. Ray and Nora get engaged, and Avalance have to deal with planning that wedding, and whatever is going on with them.

take my hands now by plinys

My tags: Another Social Media twitter AU, Sara is The Canary, Ava is trying to arrest vigilantes, Nate accidently gives Ava Sara’s number

Another brilliant twitter story. Some of our gang is trying to arrest the other half. Sara knows who Ava is, Ava doesn’t know that Sara is the person she’s chasing. Everyone has public twitter accounts. Sara actually gets [spoiler villain] to stop an attack by sending them money for a drink.

your eyes, they shine so bright by plinys

My tags: Social Media AU, everyone works for not Buzzfeed, a colab series is pitched, Sara and Ava’s teams have to work together

Ava makes factual videos, Sara does not, they are forced to work together. Nate is everyone’s boss technically, but they do what they want. Nate and Ava are non-biological siblings, and Satan Camp is a running gag. Oh, fake dating is in there too!

right to the top, don't hold back by SJAandDWfan

My tags: American Ninja Warrior AU, Sara’s a veteran and the Legends train together, Ava’s a rookie, rivals to training partners to friends to …

I re-read this every year when the new Australian season comes out. It’s so burned into my brain that when I was watching the speed climbing at the Olympics I genuinely thought “I wonder how Amaya would go in this?”. Amaya’s pre-Ninja experience is rock climbing in this fic. I learnt so much about Ninja Warrior and how the show (at least in this universe) works, and it’s fascinating. Would recommend watching some clips if you’re unfamiliar with the concept. The story goes pretty in detail about the courses. For recommendations, either Jessie Gaff, who was a S1 Supergirl stuntwoman, or Australia’s own Olivia Vivian, who is just stages better than our next female.

biding our time (until tomorrow) by TheTruthAboutLove

My tags: Period setting AU, Ava’s too noble for her own good, Oliver’s dad is the villain

This was a really cool experiment. Basically, told in lots of mini chapters like a soap opera. I do not know much about this period of American history, but it did not matter. A lot of different Arrow-verse peeps show up along the way. I’m sure I complained out loud “you’re allowed to want things Ava!” at some point. There’s an attempt for fake dating, and it’s not the homophobia but the second daughter problem that gets them.

Click here to see all the parts

[thinprincesso]

⚖️The Laws of my Weightloss Journey

TW: ED content and anxiety

Recovery is a freaking battle, and still trying to lose weight, but doing it healthily while recovering is a b*tch. So, I've created rules that I will follow so that I don't fall down the rabbit hole again. I'm finally enjoying life and not having a panic attack everytime I'm around food and I'm not giving that up just to get to my goals faster. This journey has forced me to be much more self aware of my habits and behaviors. My brain loves to set rules for itself so I'm just using that to my advantage. Here are the things I know will keep me in the right mindset.

Have an allowance of 15 seconds in front of a mirror (unless doing makeup), nothing good happens sitting in front of a mirror criticizing everything

At minimum eat 1 fruit and 1 veggie a day

If you start to feel hungry, drink a glass of water, do something else for 20 minutes, then if you're still hungry, EAT.

Eat at least 1 meal infront of family/friends/other people a day

Drink at minimum 5 glasses of water and take a daily vitamin

Coffee, flavored water, cigarettes, gum, salt/spices do not count as calories

No diet pills or laxatives, they may help in the short term but you immediately gain everything back

If you feel a craving, satisfy it with a small portion, wait 20 minutes, you'll be satisfied and won't binge

Eat a protein filled breakfast, it will help keep off cravings and satisfy you longer. Eating sugary, fried, or fatty foods causes your body to want that the rest of the day

Eat any "binge", "bad" foods as early in the day as you crave. Your discipline dwindles as the day goes on and you won't be able to stop yourself if you wait until 11pm

There are truthfully no such thing as "bad" foods, but there are foods that make you feel like sh*t. Avoid sodas, milk, and red meat.

Alcohol is a form of pleasure and fun, and should be used as such in moderation. It doesn't make you a bad person to want to enjoy life at any weight

No calorie counting apps. Intuitively learn what foods make you feel good and how to gauge your hunger levels

Satisfy every part of your taste palette (bitter, sweet, salty, sour, spicy) it helps fight cravings. Bitter+spicy is an appetite suppressant. Spicy food can up metabolism.

Coffee antagonizes your anxiety, if you want to drink it either get decaf or drink it periodically throughout the day and not a whole cup in one sitting

Would your 5 year old self be scared if they saw what you wanted to do to yourself? Yes? then Stop

Be realistic! 1000 calories is not sustainable and looking at pictures of people who are naturally skin and bones won't change your genetics. Engage in motivation that looks like you (shape, height, race,etc)

Stop counting in your head!!!!!!!!! When you feel yourself start counting breathe, open a book, go on a walk, tend to your plants, anything but sit inside your head

Would you say what you are saying to yourself to a friend? No? Then quit

Go to bed before 1am. You're going to feel hungry at 2am, everyone feels hungry at 2 am, you're body is digesting everything and it's been hours since you ate. There's a reason it's called break-fast. Go to sleep, you need it.

Only weigh yourself once a week, in the morning, after a shower, naked.

The scale is great at changing, focus on measurements and muscle tone.

Make sure to take body pictures, it's much harder to recognize a change without a side by side comparison

Your disorder is not your identity, you are much more interesting than how many calories you ate that day or what the number on the scale is. Invest in your hobbies and living life.

Be truthful. In your food logs, when someone asks you if you ate, and when things get hard. If you feel like you need to hide something, then it usually means you know it's bad for you.

If you can't make yourself eat an entire plate, eat only half and save the rest to eat for later when you're hungry again.

When anxiety hits before mealtime, sit down and take a breath. Take a bite, set your fork down, take a breath,take a drink, repeat. You'll eat slower, get fuller faster, and will still be eating less.

Stay active with at least 10 minutes of activity a day. It not only helps with weightloss, but also helps stabilize your moods. Don't overdue it, all you're doing is wearing yourself out.

Having a literal disorder is not a competition. No one wins pain and struggling is not a necessity. Stop comparing other's progress and poses with your imagined idealized body, this isn't a competition, you're just being an a**hole.

Recovery doesn't mean you become "perfectly normal" or stop having any negative thoughts. It's not a cure because there is no "cure". It's your literal brain, and the same way you wouldn't expect someone with depression or OCD to just get better by performing "normal" actions, you shouldn't expect the same of yourself. This is lifelong healing and growing. Progress isn't linear growth.

[paradise-creator]

Hellooo!! I love love LOVE the diamond box matchup you did!! You're amazing!! Your blog is incredible!! Now I'm here for a romantic haven box Haikyuu matchup pls🥺

Appearance: My name is Kay! She/her, black, straight, 5'1, I have a slightly athletic & curvy-ish figure (lol idk), short-ish hair(like mid-neck), dark brown eyes, shoe size 9, I like to dress comfy so I'm always in oversized hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirts and shorts. I like colorful clothes too, high waisted jeans and shorts and boots. I'm not very fashionable but I try lol.

Personality:

Basics: infp-t, Hufflepuff, Taurus sun, scorpio moon, sanguine, chaotic good, ambivert.

Some positive traits: I'm optimistic, friendly, energetic, organized, enthusiastic, observant, happy, open-minded, loving, encouraging and inquisitive!!

Some negative traits: I'm annoying, perfectionist, insecure, forgetful, easily distracted, kinda lazy, argumentative, too nice at times and clingy.

I love learning new things!! Currently I'm learning Korean, how to draw, how to paint and songs on the saxophone.

When I'm up for it, I love fun physical activity!! Going for a hike, going to the gym, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, going camping and etc :D

Although I love going out, nothing beats lazy days at home. I can spend hours by myself and still be happy. When alone I usually sleep or watch a movie/anime or practice my drawing or saxophone or try and learn something new!

I have a horrible memory and can never remember important dates 😭 I've forgotten my own birthday a few times (rip) so people can get mad at me for missing appointments, forgetting birthdays and other important days. I try my best to organize everything necessary on my phone calendar so I can be reminded.

I love seeing people happy! Nothing can fulfill my day more than knowing I put a smile on someone's face! I usually try my best to help out anyone who needs it and to the best of my ability! This has led to me getting taken advantage of in the past but I can't help but try and make others happy. I've developed a thicker skin and some trust issues as I've grown up because of it.

I love hyping my friends/family up!! Do you need a boost in confidence? Here I am, ready to help you remember the absolute king/queen/royalty that you are!! I'm usually very energetic and enthusiastic about many things and I love spreading positivity around!!

My love language is physical touch! So touch is very important to me in my relationships. Though I am insecure so I tend to think that I smother the people I care about with too much affection idk lol. I live for hugs and cuddles and hand holding 👉🏿👈🏿 but because of that I feel like I'm very clingy and annoying skskfksjd

I'm introverted in nature so although I mean usually full of energy and love making new friends, I can't do it for too long lol. My social battery runs out really fast and I have to hide away and recharge before I can be fully social again, otherwise I won't be my best self. I treasure personal time and understand when people need time for themselves too.

I love spontaneity!! I love living in the moment and doing stuff just for the hell of it!! Wanna go on a road trip? Dance in the rain? Build houses for charity? Go to McDonald's at 2am? Go on a long walk? SIGN ME UP!!

I can also be lazy and unmotivated to do stuff. If something doesn't interest me, I'd find myself incapable of doing it or I'd do it with great difficulty. I'm one of those 'do something when inspiration/motivation hits you otherwise it'll be absolute shit' types.

But when I do have motivation/inspiration that's when my perfectionism comes in and I have to do it in the best possible way and anything less is an insult to me, my family, my ancestors and descendants lmaoo. Unfortunately I subconsciously set a very high bar for myself which can be overwhelming and stressful but when I manage to produce work of that quality, it's very satisfying and rewarding jshkshdhsj

I have more to add but I feel like this is getting way too long 💀 lemme just move to the next section heheheh

Hobbies: I LOVE listening to music, learning new things, watching movies/anime, sleeping, reading, writing, playing saxophone (I'm still learning tho lol), swimming, drawing, journaling, making friends, and cooking!

My music taste: any type of rock (punk rock, grunge, j-rock, metal), pop, KPOP, RnB, jazz, dubstep, lofi hip hop, rap, trap, krnb, anime OP's and bangers from: Elvis, the beach boys, Queen, Khalid, Ateez, Harry styles, Kendrick Lamar, p!atd, mcr, fallout boy, Nirvana, BTS, mxmtoon, Marianas trench, twenty one pilots, stray kids, Jay Park, crush, Dreamcatcher, Skrillex, MJ, troye sivan etc

Fun facts:

I'm more of a cat person but I live dogs and think they're adorable!!

I have four piercings and I plan on getting more soon!!

I'm a night owl, and get super grumpy in the mornings especially when woken up unexpectedly >:/

Although I love making friends, I only have like 1/2 super close friends and like 20+ acquaintances lol

I want to get a tattoo soon but idk what to get :(

I'm super addicted to coffee (rip) and if I don't take some for some time (like a week) I'll get the worst migraines and I won't feel better until I drink some coffee 😭

That's it!! I hope i wrote enough stuff!! Did I leave anything out? If you need more pls tell me and I'll send another ask :D Take your time!! I'm in no rush. I'll patiently wait even though you get writers block or have a large amount of asks 😌 pls stay safe and healthy!! Drink lots of water, sleep well and have an amazing day/night!! 💙✨

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ɴᴏᴡ ʟᴏᴀᴅɪɴɢ

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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!

The Haven box includes:

- Match up

- Sun drop

- Journal of Feelings

- 3 am shenanigans

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

I'd match you up with

Sugawara Koushi, Vice-captain of Karasuno

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Sun drops

- OKAY so like, as I read your description I thought of Akaashi or Yaku or Sugawara

- Me being the indecisive author I am had trouble picking

- But then I remembered that you loved to do spontaneous things.

- And that's when I realized that Sugawara is THE ONE

- You two would be deemed the "3 am couple"

- Or in the team it would be "Epitome of Chaos"

- He takes care of you

- He will alway remind you that you don't need to be perfect

- Insecurities? BE GONE

- Nagativity? BE GONE

- That's basically his motto

- He is both your mom and partner in Crime

- did I mention he will take care of you?

- CUDDLES AND KISSES FOR DAYS

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Journal of feelings

- Once this man realizes that you LOVE physical affection. He will give it to you. EVERYTIME HE SEES YOU

Kay entered the gym to watch her boyfriend play. She tried sneaking in and so far it has been great. She thought she was off the hook but then felt a familiar arms wrapped around her waist. "I found you~" Sugawara said with a smile.

- You both would often plan pranks and majority of the times, it would succeed

"Okay okay, so what are we doing today?" Kay asked the silver haired male. "Oh~ maybe we can scare Asahi or anyone for that matter with a beetle?" Sugawara suggested. "That's--no," Kay responded.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

3 am shenanigans

It’s 3 am in the morning. Almost everyone is fast asleep or in their homes, well almost. The night sky is littered with diamond in the sky. The streets were silent but it was comforting. A few people walked here and there. And a few cars passes by there and here. “What are we doing up so late?” A silver haired man said as he yawned. “We’ll be going to Mc Donald’s! What else?” The female responded as she smiled at him. “Is it even open at this time?” He asked. “Koushi, darling, it is open,” Kay, the lover of our beloved silvered male man said as she smiled. Sugawara chuckled and held her hand, the smile on his face was evident. “You know, we should be sleeping by now right?” He said as he pulled her closer. “And so what? I wasn’t planning on sleeping early! I slept the whole day yesterday and missed the chance to hang out with you,” The girl responded.

A small blush appeared on the male’s face and he giggled. “That’s very sweet bu-“ He was about to say but was silenced by the girl. “That was very sweet but we could’ve done this later on or tomorrow. Well, sorry to break it to you, Love. But, we are here,” She said as she pulled the male inside the fast food chain. And soon enough, the two got their orders and enjoyed their meal. “I don’t know why but this hits different,” Kay said as she eat a French fry. “It really does. Especially since you are here,” Sugawara stated as he patted her head. Now, she was the one blushing. As the two chatted, the other customers and staff glanced at them every now and then. None of them were annoyed at their interactions. On the contrary, they enjoyed watching them,

Some felt envious of their relationship. Some dreamt to have something like that. And others remembered the times of old. The two were so sweet, it’s almost too much. Laughter and chattering echoed through the building from both the couple and the people around them. Then they were dub the “3 am couple” as the two would often venture in that restaurant at 3 am in the morning.

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Author's note

I'm so so sorry for the long wait! This week has been hectic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this matchup~ and thanks for requesting!

[dreamsafterhours]

college boyfriend!markhyuk au series: III (mark’s pathway)

a universe in which roommates!markhyuk meet each other's s/o in class

markhyuk are roommates, my/n and dy/n are roommates, mark and dy/n take classes together and so do donghyuk and my/n — how will their fates intertwine?

genre: fluff pairings: mark+my/n (fem), donghyuk+dy/n (fem), platonic!mark+dy/n, platonic!donghyuk+my/n format: dotpoint AU universe: non idol, college bf warning: some swearing

masterlist

or click here to meet your soulmate, paediatrics!donghyuk!

II ⇤ | III | ⇥ IV

III: 별빛이 내린다 샤라랄라랄라라 (2+2=4)

the meeting of two souls: mark & my/n

hi hello good day how are you? i hope you're well today/tonight this is like 3 weeks late isn't it :D pls don't come after me i lost some motivation to write for a while but here i am now so let's get to it!!

aight so you met donghyuk's roommate for the first time yesterday and,,

you honestly had NO IDEA someone could be that cute

highkey regretting not asking for his name but you were so caught up in lingering on the fact that he implied you were pretty , like wHO DOES THAT ASDFKJL

you highkey shouted the verbal equivalent of a keyboard smash with ur roommate and she was all !! oh so this guy cute cute

you were contemplating whether or not to sneakily ask donghyuk for his name but you were worried bc hyuk has,, crazy sense when it comes to reading people and seeing through their words

and honestly you didn’t want to have to deal with hyuk potentially teasing the shit out of u for having a maybe crush on his roommate whom u’d just met

so you just beat your pillow sleep on it after your roommate reminds you it’s getting late and no life decisions should be made after 12am!! live by it

you wake up craving jjajangmyeon but alas if you were to get any satisfaction of that kind of hunger, it was going to have to wait because

~~ we love ~~ packed schedules ~~ in this house ~~

i hopes the sarcasm was noted in that previous sentence bc now u wish for life to cease

4 weeks into the semester and you were drowning in the midst of reports and lab pracs and content and revision

you were ready to ascend to the next life with only regret and an ability to vaguely explain the properties of a prokaryotic cell and endosymbiosis

but honestly donghyuk’s been a big help throughout the past month

your only friend in classes

official study buddy

2am revision session consultant

personal older brother bc he claimed you as his adoptive sister

another reason your roommate told you to go to bed was bc you literally have

a tutorial class + 2 consecutive 1.5 hour lectures + a 3 hour lab class to finish your day off

with no break for lunch in between :’((

looks like you’ll be starving through your library study session with dy/n

but oop

you find that dy/n had stayed up long after you’d fallen asleep writing her essay 

leaving your dorm feeling a twinge of guilt that u might have distracted her from focusing on her work to listen to your rambles and kept her up later than she should have been

but a text from her in the afternoon reassures u that honestly she wasn’t even planning to write that essay and The Feels™ had just hit her last night and that she made it to class

you: oh PHEW that’s good

you: sorry i didn’t wake you up on my way out, u looked so peaceful i couldn’t bear to disturb

dy/n 🦁: dw dw it’s all g i made it n e way

dy/n 🦁: also is it cool if my friend and his friend comes to the study sesh as well we have to go through some lecture content

you: ah yes don’t see why not :)) i’ll probs have my earphones in the entire time anyways lmao won’t affect me

but will it

“who u texting in the middle of diffusion” cue hyuk peering over at the phone you’re hiding in your lap

you click your tongue at him and lock your phone, “someone twice the man you’ll ever be”

he gasps in mock horror like he’d just witnessed a murder as quietly as he can ,,

“you’re texting a guy? in the middle of diffusion?”

“no. my roommate lmao”

“and what? is it me or your roomma—”

“—my roommate” you glance back up at the prof without looking at him

“ouch”

“you dare?”

“if i don’t dare, who will”

and due to this exchange, you miss the osmosis slide

“ah shit what was osmosis again”

“lmfao what makes u think i know that”

(pause)

“isn't it just.. net movement of free water molecules from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration”

sorry my bio neural pathways are being excited again after being revisited for the first time in two years

/stares at him/ “why was that infuriating to hear from u”

after class you prepare to head to your dreaded 3-hour lab class you have with donghyuk but he stands up and stares into the void blankly

“where am i going”

“where do u think”

“oh, hell, most likely”

you scoff at the accuracy and drag him out of the lecture hall

you look at donghyuk and he’s visibly resisting the urge to poke your cheek when he first puts on his gloves

“what’s with you today”

he stares at his hands forlornly, “idk ask that to my timetable”

“week 4 got u dead huh”

he glances at you with a frown, “don’t act like u’re not dying too”

“damn. touché”

to your dismay, the lab class runs later than scheduled and you get out of it 20 minutes after it was meant to finish but luckily it’s your last class

with a quick goodbye to donghyuk and a text letting dy/n know you were going to be a lil late, u stop by ur dorm to pick up ur textbook before rushing to the library

you were highkey exhausted and just. famished by that point

but a promise is a promise and you weren’t going to back out of one now

especially when you felt like you owed your roommate one and it was you who originally suggested a library session

so you get to the library, bag strap slung over your shoulder, checking the photo of the seats dy/n had saved for you in the library

highkey getting lost once or twice but you manage

you get to the general area and spot dy/n sitting at a four-seater (wow how’d they get that) but you

freeze when you see who’s sitting next to her

it’s ??

????????

????????????????

/error 404/

????????????????

????????

ur heart goes into panic mode bc

it’s not even kidding it’s donghyuk’s roommate

and despite ur brain short-circuiting

you manage to remember that dy/n had said that mentioned her friend’s.. roommate.. also coming along..

and if her friend was donghyuk’s.. roommate..

you: :                             )

you: oh my god they were roommates

and speak of the devil

“oh hey fancy seeing u here”

you turn around and it’s donghyuk legit chills right there

you barely reply a “hi”

“i thought u were going to ur dorm for dinner”

“ah yeah—no i’m.. gonna go over some.. diffusion”

“oii! over here dude” his roommate whisper-yells out at donghyuk

dy/n waves at you “heYY my/n”

donghyuk waves and turns back to you “welp i’m gonna join a study group.. you could join if you came alone? i’m sure they won’t mind”

“about that”

“u waiting for someone?”

“i’m going over there too”

“what?”

he glances over at the table and then back to you

“that’s my roommate. right there next to your roommate”

you point her out and then donghyuk’s jaw drops

“what the fUC—” and you both. burst iinto laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation

like ?? how???

“wOW r u KIDDING”

“HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN”

“talk about a coincidence.. oh my god my cheekbones hurt” he says as he clutches his side

so you get to the table and dy/n tries to introduce u to donghyuk’s roommate

“mark, this is my/n, my/n this is mark”

ah yes so mark is his name, you think

cute name for a cute boi

“nice to meet you again, mark”

dy/n: “?? again?”

mark gives u a rlly wide smile “yeah we’ve met. hi my/n”

you swear you’ve never had your heart flutter like this

fdksoafjadgioarigilf

then mark introduces dy/n to donghyuk and they start talking about how they’re your legal guardian and telling the other to “get in line”

leaving you in middle like “ok mum and dad” but also thinking back to when donghyuk was highkey flirting with you,, and now how he’s flirting with dy/n ,, oh dude he’s flirting

and highkey ,,, you don’t have any hard feelings about it ,, you know she’s also got this kind of humour code and she’s far more comfortable with meeting new people

until dy/n jokes about custody rules and donghyuk replies with “who says we’re split”

ok mum and dad

n e ways you came to study and study you will

so you settle down and go through your notes for the day

albeit being a lil distracted by mark who sits right across from you somehow, somewhy,,

somewhy should be a word you can’t tell me how to english

you keep wanting to steal glances at him but you have to physically restrain yourself from doing so

and also donghyuk who keeps poking u under the table and texting u even though he’s right next to you

💩hyuk: bro

💩hyuk: bro

💩hyuk: bro

💩hyuk: bro

💩hyuk: bro

you: wHAT

💩hyuk: nvm lol

you: im boutta slap u. give me my pen back i saw that

💩hyuk: damn

💩hyuk: also r u hungry

you: terribly

you: why

💩hyuk: does ur roommate have any allergies

you: not that i know of

you: again

you: why

you: u buyin?

💩hyuk: 🤡<- you

💩hyuk: 🤡, how do you feel about dinner

you: invalid question. no variable answer

💩hyuk: alright, 🤡. im not buying for u

you glower at him but he isn’t looking at u,, he leans back and laments about how he’s craving chinese food

did he read your damn mind how did he know

and apparently he’s read dy/n’s mind too at how she jumps up at the mention of chinese and agrees profusely

so you find yourself abandoning your studies for the rest of the night and in a restaurant lmfao

“chill,, guys,,, jjajang is fine”

rock paper scissors for the cheque ends in mark’s tears

“no it’s ok. i’m ok it’s our first meeting as a fateful group and it makes sense! for me to pay”

after you satisfy your cravings the boys walk dy/n and you back to your dorm

mark tells dy/n to give him her bag for him to carry and while she practically gives it up to him, he has to insist that he’ll carry yours too

to which you’re like omg no it’s fine i can carry it it’s not that heavy i swear—

until donghyuk takes ur bag off ur shoulder and passes it to mark

because of the narrow path, you’re forced to walk in pairs and you end up walking next to donghyuk who makes happy sounds about how good that food was and how priceless mark’s face was when he lost rock paper scissors

then dy/n takes the initiative to make a group chat for you four,, asking for donghyuk’s number to add

you give her a look like damn gurl but you have no idea if she saw or if she just ignored you on purpose lmfao

also donghyuk looked way too happy afterwards

either way you slapped her when you got back to the dorm like “SINCE WHEN WERE YOU SO ?? BRAVE?”

dy/n: um

dy/n: honey

dy/n: have you met me

and thus the chaos of a group chat was born and just like a real child, you spent hours on it

dy/n 🦁: ok we inside

you: thanks for dinner again mark!

💩hyuk: he says you’re welcome

💩hyuk: i say we “accidentally” lose our purses next time we go out

you: nah you’re paying next

💩hyuk: y

💩hyuk: y, 🤡

dy/n 🦁: yes y, 🤡

dy/n 🦁: HAHAH WHY IS SHE 🤡

💩hyuk: i thought you of all people would know

dy/n 🦁: why is she just as dumb in class as she is in the dorm?

💩hyuk: i knew it

dy/n 🦁: she poured too much hot water into her tea the other day it overflowed and spilt onto her foot

mark: oh no were u okay

💩hyuk: looks like you’re gonna have to study osomsis

💩hyuk: osmoiss

💩hyuk: fuck

you: yes i’m okay it wasn’t that hot i had socks on too

💩hyuk: osmosis

dy/n 🦁: avoided tragedy luckily

💩hyuk: finally

you: there is a reason you’re saved as 💩hyuk on my phone

dy/n 🦁: HAAHAHAHAHHAHAH

seriously you just don’t know just how much this group was going to mean to you yet

click here to meet your soulmate, paediatrics!donghyuk!

II ⇤ | III | ⇥ IV

shoot me an ask if you’d like to be tagged in future parts!

[sunsetfanfics]

random prompts:

- person A w/ person B who is famous, A reading a fanfic ab B when B's character does sumn meam/stupid, A going "that was a dick move" B getting concerned

The snow coated the ground like powdered sugar

The temperature dropping significantly, making me wish I followed his advice and put on another jacket

The snow crunching under my feet reminding me I hadn't had breakfast that morning

-I'm a local and you seem like you're lost and hey you're cute even more motivation (or reversed)

-Turkey Hill visit @ 2am

-Early morning tickles

-Tea/Hot chocolate/Coffee on a cold, snowy morning

it was one of those evenings where the conversation took more tangents than a rushed english essay

with an air of nonchalance

1. “Don’t you dare.”

2. “Get under the covers.”

3. “You look cold.”

4. “Run.”

5. “Party time.”

6. “Stop being so crabby.”

7. “What is that thing?”

8. “Oh my god!”

9. “Cover that up!”

10. “I can never unsee that.”

11. “I like that.”

12. “Are you high?”

13. “That doesn’t mean jack squat.”

14. “That’s it. We’re cursed.”

15. “Go on. Tell me.”

16. “You walked away, not me.”

17. “I need to leave.”

18. “You need to leave. Right now.”

19. “You left me there.”

20. “I’m fucking stuck!”

21. “Don’t laugh. Do. Not. Laugh. This is not funny.”

22. “Delete that. Now.”

23. “Game’s over.”

24. “It’s not coming off!”

25. “You spilt that everywhere. Who has to pick that up? Me.”

26. “I left it all for you!”

27. “I left my life behind all for you!”

28. “I love you, you asshole.”

29. “Y-you love me?”

30. “Well, there is a first for everything.”

31. “Please don’t leave me.

32. “I don’t want to go.”

33. “She was crying, right in the middle of the gas station.”

34.“Blood. Blood everywhere.”

35. “What is that?”

36. “That’s so gross.”

37. “Give me ten bucks, I’ll explain later.”

38. “And BOOM! There they were.”

39. “They just popped out!”

40. “I thought I was alone!”

41. “That was an accident…”

42. “I swear it was like that when I found it!”

43. “I swear to god if you touch me…”

44. “Not me.”

45. “We are leaving. Now.”

46. “That isn’t appropiate.”

47. “D-don’t do that with your lips.”

48. “That’s distracting.”

49. “Eww, don’t do that!”

50. “My eyes are covered.”

51. “Hold my hand, bitch.”

52. “You little shit!”

53. “Is that my food?! You ate my food?!”

54. “Sit down.”

55. “Listen up.”

56. “That is not your problem.”

57. “You have no idea what I do for you.”

58. “Walk away! Do it!”

59. “If you step out that door I am never taking you back!”

60. “Oh, do that again.”

61. “Oh yes.”

62.  "Don’t force me.“

63. “Is that sass I hear?”

64. “Don’t touch me.”

65. “Baby, come back.”

66. “But I love you!”

67. “But I hate you!”

68. “Suck my nonexistent dick!”

69. “Ooh, that’s gotta hurt.”

70. “Look, a distraction!”

•“Are you asleep?” “Not anymore.”        

•“What if I don’t get better? What if I am broken?”        

•“That is going to leave a really nasty scar.”          

•“Nothing could go wrong, you said. Well guess what? Everything has gone wrong!”

•“Quick, I think the baby is coming!”

•“You made me breakfast in bed? What did you do this time?”

•“I trusted you.”        

•“I don’t… I don’t feel good.”            

•“Come any closer and I will hit you with this book. I swear to God!”

•“Where did you put your blankie this time.”

•“Can you check for monsters under the bed?”

•“You broke my heart.”        

•“Hey, are you alright?”

•“Do I look alright to you?”  

•“That best not be the last of the milk… Oh you bastard.”          

•“One little shoe. Two little shoes. All ready to go out.”

•“I’ll handle this.”

•“Stay behind me.”

•“If you hurt them…”

•“Get away from them!”

•“Don’t come any closer!”

•“I’m with you to the end.”

•“I’ll carry you if I have to!”

•“They don’t deserve you.”

•“I’ll always be here for you.”

•“Tell me who did this to you.”

•“I just want to keep you safe.”

•“Get your hands off my ____.”

•“I won’t let them near you again.”

•“I’ll do anything for you. Anything.”

•“You’re safe with me, I’ll protect you.”

•“Don’t you touch a hair on their head!”

•“You touch them again and I’ll kill you!”

•“You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

•“They thought they could get away with this?”

•“It’s over. They’re not going to hurt you again.”

• “Tell me or I’ll rip it from your mind.”

• “No. Smiling this early in the morning is unnatural and disgusting.”

• “I didn’t understand the warmth of you until I couldn’t have it.”

• “Don’t get all sappy with me. You know I can’t let a girl cry on her own.”

• “You’re a massive fucking douche, you know that?”

• “This pathetic little self-pity part you got going on isn’t going to keep me away.”

• “You aren’t the only one with scars, you know.”

• “I had given up, but you came into my life and I brought myself back.”

• “I thought that nothing could harm me when I was by your side, but I was wrong.”

• “I just want to scream.”

• “I’m falling apart.”

• “I feel like there’s no one to save me.”

• “I guess I got used to you numbing all the pain.”

• “I let my guard down for you, only for you to break it completely!”

• “I could escape when I was with you…”

• “I’m not drunk! I’m sober and that’s the problem.”

• “I never said it would last forever.”

• “I will fight for you until my heart is black and blue.”

• “We’re gonna make it to the other side.”

• “I’m not giving up on you, do you hear me? Even when I’m down to my last breath—I swear it.”

• “I’m not giving up on you, so you can’t give up on me.”

• “I have every right to be selfish with you”

• “Grab my hand!”

• “You can’t even really see me, can you?”

• “I’m right here. I’ve always been right here.”

• “There’s never been a moment that you were forgotten.”

• “I am screaming at you; please, please, please—why can’t you hear me?”

• “I’ll be your armor.”

• “Rely on me, come to me—let me be here for you.”

• “You keep lying to me.”

• “Is this just a stupid little game to you?”

• “Love is complex and overrated.”

• “Rot in hell.”

• “I’m usually not this desperate.”

• “It’ll be very easy to lose yourself in him/her.”

• “You are my sunshine.”

• “Do you know how happy you make me?”

• “Please, don’t take him/her away from me.”

• “I dreamt that, for the first time, you held my hand and every bad little thing just sort of fell away.”

• “I almost started to believe you.”

• “Lean on me.”

• “If you have a nightmare, we’ll just dance on the bed until the sun rises.”

• “I see the bones in your closet, I see them. But that won’t keep me from hanging stuff in there anyway.”

• “I’ll be here even when you lose your head.”

• “I will love you for infinity.”

• “I lose control when you touch me.”

• “You’re the reason I believe in soulmates.”

• “I’m a madman for your kisses.”

• “…so don’t tell me it’s impossible when I am living proof!”

• “My soul aches for yours.”

• “You were filling these holes since the day you were born.”

•“How exactly are you qualified to ____?”  “Who said anything about being qualified?”

•“Remember when you said you’d kill for me?” “I️ never said that.”

•“What happened to you?”  “You don’t wanna know.“

•“Fuck you!” “When?  Where?”

•“I️ have nothing to say to you.”

•“Go away.”  “No, not until I️ know you’re okay.”

•“What are you doing here?”  “I don’t know.”

•“You should’ve left me when you had the chance.”

•“You’re hot when you’re angry.”  “Then I️ must be smoking.”

•“What did I️ do?”  “You shouldn’t have to ask.”

•“What’s wrong with you?”  “So many things.”

•“I️ just don’t know what to do with you.”

•“I️ hope it was worth it.”

•“I️ hope you’re happy.”

•“I️ still wish you the best.”

[dreamgirl4certain]

The Elevator Bae

Chapter ONE.

Erik x Black OC (Phoenix)

A/N: I am so nervous about putting this out. I’ve been struggling for weeks to actually sit and write it but the idea just won’t leave my head. So, I figured why the hell not. Next chapter will pick up for sure.

Phoenix nods her head to the beat as Nipsey Hussle’s, Hussle & Motivate blast through her speakers. She’s learned to accept LA and all of its traffic. She’s officially been a Los Angeles resident for about a year now. She moved out here from Detroit. Phoenix packed all that she could fit in her small Chevy Cruz and drove the whole way. Life back home in Detroit was getting way too out of hand for her. Her friends didn’t really seem to support her dreams of being a DJ/Music Producer. Her family wanted her to go back to school and be something normal, like a nurse.** **

Phoenix worked her ass off with two jobs to fund her dream. Big Sean had heard one of her beats on her Soundcloud and reached out to her. That same beat was soon one of the top charting songs in the country. Artist were hitting Phoenix up left and right, wanting to work with her. Hustling her way into the industry, she was asked to DJ a huge party for Roc Nation in LA and the rest is history. After networking and making some connections, she decided that staying in Detroit would hold her back. She didn’t even tell anyone that she was leaving… except her Mom.

She woke up one day and just left. She hasn’t looked back yet. Being in LA, she’s actually made a few genuine friends that not only supports her, but ride for her through thick and thin. They even staged a 4 day sleepover one time when Phoenix had an anxiety attack so bad, she couldn’t leave her apartment.

All in all, Phoenix could really say that she was happy.

Phoenix sings along to every song has she moves her way through traffic. After an afternoon full of meetings, she finally reaches her apartment and turns down into the underground parking garage. Her favorite parking spot is open. As she steps out, she adjust her black leggings and cropped Harvard crewneck. She still sings along to the last song that played, Ari Lennox x BMO, now stuck in her head as she heads for the elevator‍.

A man ahead of steps into the elevator first. When he turns and notices her coming behind him, he holds the door for her.

When she looked up to say thank you, she wasn’t prepared for the man standing in front of her. This man… tall, the sweetest brown skin. His arms were definitely trying to break out of the sleeves of his burgundy fitted tee. His short dreads hung over his face, almost covering his eyes. She’s seen some fine guys since being in LA, but this one...he takes the cake.

“Thank...you”

“No problem.”

His voice… his fucking voice. It hit her like thunder. Has she ever heard a voice so damn sexy?

Then it hit Phoenix… jelly legs. She does her best to lean against the elevator door. The man pulls out a keycard and scans it. He must live in a penthouse. Only penthouse tenants had keycards.

“Which floor?”

“Uhh… Seven.”

The man hit the button for the 7th floor for her. As the doors shut, his cologne took the cabin hostage. It was a mix of Shea butter, cedar wood and vanilla. Phoenix hadn’t realized she closed her eyes as she took in his scent. But, he did. He released a low chuckle that took her from her trance. Her eyes shot open. She cleared her throat and tried to focus on a speck of dirt on her Chanel Slides.

The man opened his mouth to say something but before his words slipped, the elevator doors open. FLOOR 7. Phoenix internally panics, not sure if her legs would fail her. This really wasn’t the time nor place for this shit. She goes for it, rushing out. She made it but once she turned to walk to her door, barely out of site from the gorgeous man in the elevator, her knee buckles. She catches herself on the wall.

“Shit!”  She slowly picks herself up, walking slowly to her door. The walk to the other end of the hall felt like 100 damn miles. She made it into her apartment. She drops her keys on the kitchen counter. She flops down on the couch. Dragging her sweaty hands over her face.

“Did I really just sniff this man? Did I really get caught sniffing this nigga?”

——-

The incident ran through her mind probably hundred times throughout the rest of her day. She managed to cook herself some dinner, shower and do a few loads of laundry. With each task, she would stop herself.

“I sniffed this nigga! What is wrong with me? I’m a creep.”

Her brain getting the best of her. She curls up on her couch. She had every intent to catch up on Steven Universe. Her schedule had been so busy that she has weeks of episodes to watch. But she couldn’t focus. All she could think about was this fine man. Why hadn’t she seen him before? And of course that just led back to her thinking about him catching her. She needed a distraction.

Instagram. She picked up her phone and scrolled down her timeline. Her homegirl, Ava, was all over the gram with her new photo shoot. Phoenix left a few comments.

YASSSS BITCH! GO OFF! REAL HOT GIRL SHIT!

Phoenix continued scrolling. She found her way to her explore page. Liking a few pics of decor and food. And that’s when she saw it. Her ex, Justin, posted with his baby mama. Phoenix broke up with Justin the day before she moved to LA. That same day, she found out he had a baby on the way. That was the extra push she needed to just leave. Justin was her first everything. Her only real boyfriend and he did her dirty. She hadn’t really dated since then. She’d entertain a few of the industry guys that approached her but nothing ever happened. Her feelings were hurt instantly. Even though she had moved on and far away, that shit still stung like it was fresh. She locked her phone. When she needed a distraction, she ain’t mean that. Maybe making a beat would help.

She set up her mini, bootleg studio she created and got to work. It was so easy for her. This was her passion. She even wrote a few lyrics. Time was passing by and before she knew it, it was almost 2am.. she wasn’t surprised at all. She always worked best at night. She was in her zone so she didn’t wanna stop to go to sleep anytime soon.

Phoenix headed to the kitchen. She was going to need some good snacks to match this good creation session she was having. Opening her snack cabinet, she was met with a half eaten bag of plain chips and a pack of Oreos with ONE left.

“Ava is never staying here again. Eating up all my shit.” she says to herself.

She sent her friend a text, not caring that it’s late.

Phoenix: You owe me some snacks you hungry heffa.

Phoenix was determined to finish this night out strong by any means. Even if that means going to the store at 2am. She slid on her FENTY Slides. She refused to put on a bra so she threw on a Nike hoodie and headed out.

——-

The elevator seems to be taking forever. Who in the hell is holding it up this late? Phoenix starts to weigh her options. Tired of waiting, she debates if she should just go back into her apartment.

DING

Letting out a deep sigh, “Finally!”

Looking up, she freezes. It’s him, sporting a black tank, basketball shorts, Nike socks and slides. He had small scars all over his upper torso and trailing down his arms. She is completely stuck, staring at him.

How far down did these scars go?

The doors begin to close and the gorgeous man stops them with his hand.

“Are you gonna get in or just stand there?” he smiles.

‘HO MY GAWD! Is that gold in his mouth?

Phoenix slowly walks into the cabin. Arms folded over her chest, she stands in the front, right corner. Ground Level already highlighted as their stop.

“It’s a little late for you to be out here by yourself ain’t it?” He asks.

Peaking over her shoulder, “I’m good.”

He doesn’t respond. Instead, Phoenix could feel him burning a hole in her back with his eyes. She turns to make sure she’s right.

Of course! He’s staring right at her ass. She wants to say something but her words are trapped in her throat. He smiles at her, making her swallow them down and she just looks down at her feet.

“I’m Erik.”

her head snaps back. “Huh?”

“My name. It’s Erik.”

“Oh…Phoenix.”

The elevator doors open. Phoenix waste no time stepping out. Erik is right behind her. He taps her arm, making her jump. Erik was used to women being nervous and awkward around him. He knew he was fine and enjoyed watching women fold before him. He showed his pearly whites, dimples pooling deep,

“Get back here safe, Phoenix.”

Making sure to said her name slowly.

LORDT! The way he said her name made her stomach flip. This man was dangerous. She could tell.

“Uh, you too, Erik.”

She tried to match his tone saying his name. Not wanting to stick around for his response she turns immediately to go to her car. Getting in, she sits. She’s looking out between the rows of cars to see where he went. Some lights flash and soon after, a blacked out Acura NSX with red detailing along the sides, slowly drives by, in front of her. She pretends to not notice, acting as though she’s looking down. She starts her car and pulls out of her parking spot. There’s no traffic but Erik made sure to sit at the parking garage’s entrance until her car pulled up behind him before revving his engine and taking off.

Phoenix rolls her eyes, playfully. “This nigga extra as hell.”

But she knew she liked it. The butterflies in her stomach wouldn’t let her lie to herself. The short drive to the 7/11 up the street consisted of her wondering where he was going this late and curious to know he’ll be there when she got back.

Tags: @purple-apricots @abeautifulmindexposed **If anyone likes this and wants to be tagged in the next chapter, let me know. 

[rantingstories]

I woke up at 5am, drove to a local hill and read my book. How did it affect my day?    

 I use to wake up at 7am, eat straight away, sleep for half an hour and be late for work

 Hellewwww. So, I would like to discuss a concept probably foreign to a lot of us, and that is productivity in the mornings. I think the general consensus for mornings is; wake up, turn the alarm off, lay there being miserable about our inevitable rise from the bed, literally fall back asleep like you don’t even need wages because you got the rent fairy to help you out, turn the alarm off, after laughing at the wage fairy thing become miserable again, tiny ‘lil pep talk, and rise. Usually, the mornings are for being sluggish, letting your body adjust and rest at the same time. You would eat your food and watch some TV or look on your phone, until it’s time to get ready for work or school. I feel this is the default morning of most people. My mornings have always been a little lazier and more shameful then that!

Typically, I would give myself an hour and 9 minutes. I’d have to leave at 8:15 so I would get up at 7:06 because sleep minutes are more like hours when you feel you’re losing them and 6 more minutes in bed felt like a lot to me. Then I would sluggishly walk to the kitchen and feed my two cats who would be bountiful balls of energy, making me a mere shell of a person in their presence. I would then make any cereal I can find and sit on the couch watching TV or looking through my phone as I ate. I wouldn’t really have time for a cooked breakfast or tea because here comes the important bit; I lay sleep, on the couch, for half an hour, as my partner lays in bed. Why? Glad you asked J I have no clueL. For me, being awake whilst in bed is fantastic because I can actually feel the pleasure of just lying there and letting my mind drift. I’m conscious to know I’m snuggly in bed and that’s a great feeling. So for me, I actually like my body being awake. That’s the reason I lay on the couch, much to my fiancés dismay that I would rather lay alone on the couch where the cats walk all over me and crush my ribs, their wet noses tapping my skin as they examine what the hell I think I’m doing with my life, then in her arms in our warm bed. I lay there merrily, thinking about nice happy things, body at rest, mind adrift, milk getting sneakily licked from my cereal bowl by those assholes as I lay careless and oblivious in my own warm bubble of rest and contentment. This is also subliminally stressful as I have to remember to get up at eight and each morning, my drifting mind lives in secret fear and sheer panic that I’ll properly fall asleep and be awoken at like 8:15 by my ashamed partner. Nonetheless, I always get up because I don’t actually sleep, I just lay there, pointlessly. Let’s think about what can be done in half an hour?

 ü  A workout session

ü  Reading a book

ü  Applying for jobs

ü  Answering emails

ü  A walk with fresh air

ü  A shower

ü  Putting effort into your make up, hair and outfit

ü  Chores that you now don’t have to come home to

ü  Making your partner breakfast

ü  Watching EastEnders whilst washing up

You can get a lot done in that space of time so why was I just lying there, not even sleeping? It was pointless and I decided to change it, to explore the enigmatic world that rapidly progresses as we lie half dead asleep. The World of the Larks.  The Larks are strange beings, they do the equivalent of half a day’s work a night owl does, in the two or three hours you’re still asleep. They are powerful and their motivation and strength should be feared or stolen from them when you get the chance. I decided this morning, I would try it. I spent a week, a few years ago, jogging at 6am. It was winter, dark, everyone at the bus stop looked like lonely orphans in any film designed to tug on your heart strings, and it didn’t appeal to me. However it’s the penultimate month of summer now, so I thought it would be different.

 The hardest part already was the night before. Using my valuable, precious, beautiful time in evenings to actually be asleep by 10pm. I was devastated. I typically have so much damn fun in the evening, writing ideas for my 27 open novels, being too devoted to Bored Panda, Facebooking drama watching, TV, shouting “CUTENESS” at my cats, then I’ll go to bed at the ridiculous hour of about half 11, 12 or even 1! I’d fall asleep straight away and then repeat the aforementioned cycle of the 7:06 start. It sounds dreadfully unproductive and like a stereotypical uni student really. Like I would have lived when I was working till 10pm then at uni at like 10 or 2am. But this isn’t fun times anymore, I have a big girl job with a big girl flat and a big girl life and car insurance. It’s time to behave like a big productive girl who organises her life in diaries and budgets. So now we’re in the morning and I sort of woke up at 4:48am, my brain obviously pre-empting its doom. Then 5am hit. I took some advice from videos I had watched to prepare for this and I charged my phone in the hallway outside my door. That way, to shut off the noise, I had to get up, walk out to the hall and crouch down, giving my knees a workout already to switch it off. My partner decided to do this experiment with me, but left her phone on the nightstand, showing clear signs that her heart wasn’t in this, but she came with me and I feel so very proud. Her names Ashleigh by the way. Anyway, so I used the time to respond to some messages, they had built up because I didn’t use my phone half an hour before bed the previous night, another tip I picked up. The break from the screens will really do me good. It will help my eyes and my concentration levels. My eye lids won’t be lower, looking down at the phone, which helps with the eyes feeling lighter and me feeling more awake.

I was also surprised with how awake I actually felt. I find this happens every time I wake up before 7am, I always feel more awake then when I wake up after 7am. It’s odd but it’s true. Your body feels a bit weaker rather than just sluggish, but your eyes and mind are awake, like this is the time they are meant to be up all along and you’ve been over sleeping them. I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone else, but always been like this for me. So we woke up and had some grapes and water. I’m the type of person who could honestly eat KFC and drink coke, 5 minutes after waking up. Ashleigh could barely look at the grapes. 2 hours before their breakfast time, and the cats thought we were tired enough to forget and feed them early. Suckers! So then we left in her car and we drove to these hills near our flat, you climb them in a twisting motion and they overlook a beautiful canvas under the blue skies’ light of cars racing down the motorway, dull brown house roofs and Greater London pollution. Once we reached the precipice, we found our journey up had consisted of talks of the mind, how it copes with waking up early, how being productive actually boosts our serotonin levels and how we feel happier and more alive. So smarter conversation was happening. In our normal routine, the only conversation we’d get in the morning is what’s happening on Facebook or… nothing. It felt great to have an in depth conversation with nothing but the breeze around us, no screens no third party media to influence our conversations, just us, our minds and the world. It was lovely.

At the top, it took a minor toll on our legs. Let me tell you by the way, your legs at 5am are the equivalent to the little devil on your shoulder who tells you, you won’t get a degree because you’re useless at life or you won’t ever find a career you love just lower your standards or you won’t feel in the slightest horrible if you spend over £20 on a pizza delivery at 11pm on a week night. They don’t like 5am and they will remind you you’re a sadist and to have mercy and send them to bed. Ignore them, they are the over dramatic one in the family. Nonetheless, we sat down at the top and began to read our respective books. Mine was “The Good Guy” (Susan Beale), set in 1964, a realistic view on marriage, its ups and downs, the pressures on the typical masculine and feminine roles, motherhood and adultery, and hers was “I Let You Go” (Claire Mackintosh), how one mistake, brought on by pressurising and damaging events, can turn life upside down, with thrills and chases and emotions tugged hard. We only read a chapter each, but as everyone knows, books nourish your eyes better than a screen will, they nourish your imagination, forcing it to work to picture what you read rather than it being given to you, they nourish your vocabulary and extend it and they nourish your mood for the day with the journey you take when reading it, leaving you picturing your own world and story with more passion and thoughtfulness.

We descended the hill (and I ran up another, sorry legs L I am a bit heartless) and made our way home. She cooked us an omelettes and I washed up meaning, we will come home to a clean and tidy flat with no chores after a long day at work. We had tea and coffee, ate our food, shouted “CUTENESS” at the cats for a 37th time, and watched the YouTube Video that inspired this. I will link it down below. When we looked at the time it was 5 minutes to 8. I still had 5 minutes and I felt like I’d done my whole usual morning up until lunch time.

 This experiment really did change my day, I feel brighter and more awake at work, driving to work made me feel more conscious and thus, safer. My morning was accomplished and productive, I felt like I had a much better handle on my life. We saw people jogging, people exercising, couples doing yoga at the top of the hill, and the enigmatic world of morning larks turned out to be a nice peaceful group of people exercising, nourishing their minds and bodies, leaving them free to relax in the evening. My partner and I both feel rejuvenated, in control, happier, fresher, lighter, healthier and less stressed immediately. I even got a text about something that had been stressing me and I swear it felt so much lighter on my shoulders, in fact it went straight over my head because I felt happy and in control of life, not down trodden and rushing to get to work. I suggest you all spend at least one day waking up at 5am, I promise you, you will not feel as over tired as you think you will, you’ll even feel more awake than usual, or your money back! It’s still, sort of summer, so leave the house, and go on a small walk or read a book, climb a hill and kiss the rising sun, do anything as long as it’s doing something productive. Then cook a hot breakfast and feel proud of your strength and your beautiful, accomplished morning. I do not miss my beautifully pointless naps and my hobby of running red lights because I’m late for work.

 Mentioned YouTube video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGWrGFlYtAQ

Thank you

Siobhan

[mariyekos]

holy shit 75k for your college!? man just go to community college, mine's literally 600 dollars a semester. there's really no difference except how much you'll be spending your life in crippling debt

(this is pretty negative btw. and long)

Okay so while it’s nice to see people read my tags and have a suggestion, I kind of wish you could have worded this a little more nicely. I feel guilty enough about paying what I have to pay. Which is not actually 76k, since I am getting some financial aid. I was saying that $76,000 is the base tuition (well, with housing and stuff). Which yeah, is a lot, especially when compared to community college. And it’s the reason I’m thinking about transferring out after a year or two to a UC school since I’m from California and the tuition would be a lot cheaper thanks to in-state tuition and Cal Grants and all that stuff. I don’t think I’ll end up doing it in the end, or at least hope I won’t have to, but we’ll see.

I wouldn’t go to a community college though. Community colleges can be pretty good, and I have a cousin who went to one for two years before transferring to a UC for his bachelors or whatever, but I don’t want to go to one myself. Going to a 4-year university has been my dream since childhood. I’ve spent the past few years being told by people that that’s the end goal. With some specific people telling me that if I don’t go to a university after all I’ve done, it will be a waste. And one particular teacher telling me I’ll fail at life if I don’t go to a 4-year university and while I know it’s not true the combination of all that pressure has stuck with me in a way I can’t get out of my head. And to a large extent, I agree. I didn’t do all the things I’ve done and pushed myself beyond what I really felt like doing so I could go to a community college which would have accepted me even if I hadn’t done those things, as long as my grades were good enough (is there even a grade requirement? I have no idea actually. I’ve never checked. I think so? But I really don’t know). So much of my life over these past few years has been dominated by me doing things so I could build a resume that would get me accepted into a university. Basketball, track, science fair, IB, etc. Whatever made me look the most impressive. Whatever could show a University, “Hey! I can multitask! I can excel! I can do well! I would be a great addition to your school, accept me!” 

Sure, some of these things I did because I liked them. To an extent. I can tell you that my last 2 and a half years of basketball were done because I thought “what will universities think if they see I made Varsity but then abandoned the team? It will look so much better if they see I can stick with something.” Definitely year 3 in particular was for college. That year was beyond hellish. Science Fair took so much effort, and created many stressful days all with the goal of “improving my college application.” The specific diploma program I’m doing in school was 50% motivated by “colleges look to see you took the hardest courses available at your school” and “I need to look the best”.  Long story short, I’ve worked too hard with the specific goal of “getting into a four year university” to just… not do that. 

The biggest thing though, or maybe it’s tied with the last thing, is that going to Duke has been a dream for as long as I can remember. Even in elementary school I wanted to go. In about 3rd grade I realized, hey if I get good at basketball then that will impress them! And then proceeded to play basketball nonstop until my junior year of high school when my coach ruined the sport for me so much I took a two month break. Which I came back from to play for him again because I needed that “Varsity basketball senior year captain” thing on my resume. To get into college. My dad went to Duke, and I’ve been wearing Duke stuff since I was born. I’ve always felt like going there would give me a sort of connection to him. Like it would impress him. He passed away when I was 5, so going there is all the more important. Kind of like I can show him, “You know what dad? I did my best. I tried so hard, and maybe I’m not perfect, but look where I’m going! I did it! I’m here! I made it! Just like you did! Are you proud of me?” I don’t remember him much, but his Duke friends were his friends that stayed with him for life, and his Duke stories were the ones that were told. It was a special place to him, and because of that it’s a special place to me. 

I’ve visited the campus, and it’s beautiful. It has one of the best environmental science programs out there, which is what I’m interested in, as well as a marine lab that I’m hoping to have a class with. The campus is beautiful, and the people I met seem pretty cool. and it’s just… Evidence. Evidence of how hard I worked. All those nights of staying up until 2AM, trying to finish an essay or a project or a study guide or whatever payed off. They got me to my dream school. To one of the top universities in the country. Sure it’s not an ivy league, but it’s good. It has the programs I want to enroll in. It’ll look good on a job application. It’s located pretty close to the EPA headquarters, as well as a bunch of other prestigious places (the research triangle area). 

I wasn’t looking for the most expensive place possible. I can tell you I sobbed when I saw the price and thought “oh god I can’t go here. It’s too expensive.” I don’t like the price. It’s ridiculous. But my mom has told me for years that the price shouldn’t be the reason I don’t go to my dream school, as have several other people. Hell, my classmates have been talking about it for years. Whenever I talk about something that seems below impressive, I get looked at. Like, “what the hell are you talking about.” “What the hell do you mean you don’t know if you’ll get in? You’re like one of the top 5 smartest people here” Or “oh come on don’t worry about it you’re super smart” or “no way you’re going to go somewhere like that. you’re too good for that.” And I sure as hell don’t have a great self image or self confidence. Being able to go somewhere like Duke gives me such a sense of accomplishment. I did something. I really did something. I worked so so hard. And I’m getting something out of it. I didn’t fail. After spending so much time feeling like a failure, i did something. And I don’t want to give it up. I really, really don’t want to give it up.

Plus there’s what I said before. I feel like if I do go to community college… i’ll have failed. Community college is a great option for people. I’m glad it exists. It’s especially great for people facing tough financial situations. Several of my friends are going to community colleges either because they couldn’t afford a university education, or because they just wanted to. And I’m not looking down on it. But for so long I’ve been told that that’s not the top - that university is. And like I said, I can’t get that out of my mind. If I go to community college I know I’ll always have a voice nagging in the back of my head that I could have done better. I still feel guilty for small things I did years ago. I hate myself for doing choir, for example. Right now, my class has 1 valedictorian and 2 salutatorians (due to a tie). So the top 3 people in the class. I’m class rank 4. Had I not taken choir, I would be either 1 or 2 right now. But I took choir. I wanted to sing and I allowed myself that and it hurt my GPA. I tell myself, well I had some fun. But will I regret it for a while? Yes. Have I regretted it since I finished? Yes. Because “I could have done better.” I took choir before that and that should have been good enough, right? I would have been fine taking a different class. If I had taken that 7th class when i had the option, taken that weighted class instead of the non-weighted choir, then I wouldn’t be number 4. It’s silly to be so upset over. But that’s the sort of way my mind works and the sort of thing that sticks with me. There was nothing wrong with taking choir. It wasn’t a terrible experience. Just like there’s nothing wrong with going to community college. But I would have that nagging voice telling me that I failed. That I could have done better. I don’t want to feel guilty for however many years that would stick with me.

And then last thing… I’m already enrolled in Duke. It’s a little late for going to a community college. So thanks for the suggestion, but no thanks. I’ve spent a while thinking about where I would go. I thought about community college for a while, to save money. But I’m getting financial aid so college isn’t completely impossible money wise. I have a savings account that will help me pay. I don’t want to go into debt. If I have to transfer somewhere cheaper to avoid that, then so be it. I just don’t want people to see me as a failure, and I don’t want to see myself as a failure. If I don’t go to a university (specifically Duke) at this point, I know that that is what’s going to happen. I get judged enough when I’m not at the top already. And as much as I know my life shouldn’t revolve around other people’s thoughts about me, I get freaked out thinking about being a failure, and thinking about what others think of me. It doesn’t always change my actions, but it does make me insanely guilty which I don’t want to be.

Okay for the real last thing I will say this. Thank you for making a suggestion to help me. Debt is not a fun thing, and I don’t want to be in debt. However, even putting aside all my fears of not going to a university… I want to go to Duke. It’s been my dream forever, and it has everything that I want now. So that’s where I’m going. And next time, please just… phrase things a little nicer. That’s the sort of stuff/tone I get hit with both by people trying to crush my dreams (in this sense and others), and by people telling me I need to do something like going to a university or I won’t accomplish anything meaningful with my life. 

Sorry for going off or whatever. This is much longer than I thought it would be, and super unorganized. It’s stream of consciousness or thought or whatever the phrase is (I think the first but i’m tired and don’t feel like putting in more effort). But it’s honest. So that’s that.

[spooniewarrior-eds]

Relationships and EDS

I have been in two relationships my entire life. My first boyfriend I started dating as a sophomore in high school. We started off as really good friends and after a while I found myself falling in love with him. He made me laugh, he made me feel good about myself, and.... well, that was it. But I was young, and he was the first guy who had ever paid me any attention really up to that point. We dated for almost 10 years. However, our relationship started on the decline when my chronic pain started to take its toll on my body. I was always fatigued, our sex life started to suffer because I was always tired and in pain. He started to pull away from me, and I began to feel neglected and hurt, suspicious that there was something else going on.

We had had several breaks during our time together, and by the end there was very little trust between us. We stayed together because it was comfortable. I think we had both fallen out of love long before we actually broke up. We hadn't had sex in months, and at 25 years old, that's definitely a problem. I felt unattractive and unloved. He broke up with me in February 2017, after calling me to his house after I had just worked a double overnight shift, with no warning. He said that he needed to get his life together and that he didn't want to drag me down with him while he did. I'm still not sure if this was just his way of attempting to not absolutely destroy me, or if he was trying to just find a reasonable excuse other than he just didn't love me anymore. I wish he had been really honest with me, because now, almost 3 years later, he is no further in life than he was before.

Three months after we broke up, he messaged me on Facebook (he never actually texted me on my phone, which I see now as kind of a red flag) at 2am on my birthday (I was in Seattle so I was awake). He told me how much he missed me, we talked for 3 hours. I was still raw from the heartbreak, and just to be able to see him again, I said we could still get together and maybe have a friends with benefits arrangement. We did that for a few months, and at a mutual friend's wedding we went together, he held my hand, helped me down the stairs in my heels, and we had sex when we got back to his house and it felt like old times. Then my eyes opened and I realized that I was being used, and I ended that arrangement in October. He never hit me up again after that and I was able to finally move on.

After I was finally ready, I got onto dating apps. I promised myself I would never do this, but I wanted to see what was out there. I went on a date with one guy I met, who lived in the next town over from me. We had been talking through text and on paper, he was incredible. Understanding, funny, and we could relate on a lot of things. I told him right off the bat that I had a genetic disorder and explained it to him and he wasn't afraid of it. We met up for ice cream, and in person, we really didn't have a lot in common and I didn't find myself physically attracted to him. On top of it he was a terrible kisser. We kept in touch for a while, but I simply told him that I wasn't in a position at the moment to be in a relationship. At that time it was true. I was losing my job, my apartment, everything, and was moving back home to Gloucester. He was pushy and desperate, and I was turned off. I could see things going south if we were to get together.

A month after I moved back home with my mom, I get a friend request from a familiar face. My older cousin's best friend of about twenty years. He messaged me on Facebook and says "Aren't you a blast from the past!" We had seen each other in person probably only 3 or 4 times, the last time being about 5 years ago at my cousin's wedding. He was in the middle of his second round of chemo for Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma at that time and didn't remember me. He remembered me as the little 6-year-old blonde kid that used to hang out at my cousins' house. He asked me on a date. I sat and looked at that message for a couple minutes, unsure how to respond. Ultimately, I agreed, as long as it was okay with my cousin.

Then he ghosted me for a few days. I messaged my cousin and spoke with him about it to make sure it was okay with him. Then I texted Dave and made the move. We went out for ice cream the following week and we drove around Manchester, reminiscing on our childhood spent in that town. We went back to his place and watched a movie, and he put his arm around me and was stroking my arm. I immediately stiffened up. The only time I'd ever had that kind of affection, it was an ulterior motive. We hung out the next day, and he kissed me. Then we didn't see each other for a few days, and we hung out again, and things got hot and heavy and we had a make-out session that lasted about 45mins until we both lost track of time. I was shaking the whole ride to school. I had never had that experience before.

Our first date I told him about  my EDS. He didn't freak out but it was hard to read his reaction. I knew about his NHL, and so it gave us something to bond over. Over the course of our first few months together, he asked questions and wanted to learn more about my EDS. The first night I stayed at his house, the following morning I did my routine of cracking everything back into place. At first he was horrified, now he finds it amusing and fascinating.

We've been together 8.5 months now, and we've never had an argument over anything. We did have a night where he was having an anxiety attack, and he was panicking thinking he was going to lose me. I picked him up and we drove around and I took him to my favorite place of serenity. It brought him back to reality.

Another thing is that our sex life is phenomenal. He always makes me feel beautiful and wanted. It took him a while to realize that I was not going to break in half, and once he got over that, things were incredible. I realized, once I noticed that I was never NOT in the mood with him, that maybe it wasn't the fatigue (because I'm still always tired) but the lack of affection that made me not want to have sex with my ex-boyfriend. But I didn't know that, and therefore I couldn't communicate that to him. Now, I am better at communicating, I'm better at expressing how I'm feeling, and that is another reason why we don't argue. I promised myself that I would never let things bottle up like I did with my ex.

Over the last few months I've had some gastrointestinal issues, causing me to have issues eating and therefore I've lost a ton of weight. He loves to cook, and he feels terrible that I can barely eat anything. He has never once expressed aggravation or annoyance at my illnesses or injuries. He has only ever been compassionate and understanding. I explained to him that EDS doesn't get better. We've discussed children, and he is unsure if he can have kids due to having high-dose chemo, and I told him that if I don't have children it won't be the end of the world for me. I have a genetic condition, so if I don't pass it on to offspring, that will be fine.

Something I learned during this whole ordeal, is don't settle. Don't believe that you don't deserve someone who gives a shit about you. I settled with a guy who ended up cheating on me and then tried to make it seem like he was breaking up with me for my benefit. Now, I'm with a guy who I know when shit hits the fan, he'll be there for me. Don't settle for less than you deserve, especially if you have a chronic illness.

[waterflowwer]

3 AM thoughts

As it hits 3 AM the witches hour I am in shock of what I think of you. It never occurred to me when I was younger that I would want death upon someone or I guess I wouldn't care if it happened. It it were to come sooner I would be much more happier but if not it's okay too. If I ever do cry when he dies I don't think it will be of agony or sadness but of freedom. The one person I cannot seem to get away from will be gone from my life forever ?! Physically at least ? Sounds like something that would take this huge weight on my shoulder. As awful as I sound it's the way I cope & if you were to know the things he has done or said before and the stuff he says or do now you would worry for my family and I. We are under constant protection mode and can never relax and be free. We have to always have our guard up and be defensive of ourselves and the things we love and care for because we never know what he will do or say.

I was caught with my guard down before one day and let's just say that it took months to recover from what happened. I live in constant fear and that may be another factor as to why I am still here. I am scared that I won't be able to see my siblings and my mom if I leave. I'm scared that I will fall flat on my face on my own and not be able to get back up. I'm scared that I won't be good enough to be by myself. I mean I've been told that before to keep me here and it becomes something I believe in when I hear it so often.

I'm incapable of caring for myself or anything or anyone is what I've been told. I've been conditioned to not believe in myself and that I need him there with me to be successful. Oh is it hard to break that thought. I still somewhat believe it and it saddens but it's okay bc I'm working on getting over it and going thru treatment. But it's hard. It's so hard to chsnge. It's so hard to be a nice person instead of a ruthless person. It's what I've been used to, it's what I have to be at home when he is there's it's very difficult to flip the switch on and off. To not implement my survivng defense mechanism into situations where it isn't needed.

It's hard to enjoy my laughter and the laughter of others in the moment. I know it's temporary and will go back to the war at home. He knows I'm incapable of leaving at the moment and to not struggle. He enjoys knowing that I cannot leave yet and continues those acts of violence. A threat. Oh how used to it I am. To do an act or else the thing I care and love for will not be there the next day or if something were to happen again that thing would be gone from my life. Manipulation is his tactic along with a side of threats and fear. Every sentence is engraved in my mind and my thoughts have an altered perception. The thoughts have been infiltrated with things I don't want.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be here anymore. I sometimes believe that it became abusive because of me and what I do or did. For every time I have done something "out of line" the results have been of heightened threats and higher consequences. I made them argue bc I went to work and got dropped of from an old friend who isn't my friend anymore. They argued so bad bc they didn't communicate with one another or myself that divorce came about. Ofc I know it isn't my fault but I definitely stirred the pot that I sometimes start thinking if I were to be gone the arguments would be absent from my siblings and mother's life. For I go against him several times which never ends well.

Today was a bad day. I did a shit lead discussion and didn't do any homework. I did nothing. I got to work on time and worked for like 3 hours but I essentially didn't do anything. I didn't feel motivated and I was just tired. I don't think I can stand the pressure much longer from school and the things at home. If one or the other doesn't get better for me I think I might crash. I think I might loose myself again and loose my voice I love to hear. For she is what keeps me going and makes me feel better about myself. I worry her words will not reach me by the end of the week if it continues like this. I'm scared and I hate to admit that I am for I am supposed to be the fierce one from my siblings for I am supposed to be their voice when they can't. I am tired and she is tired of battling not only the demons in me but many of the demons he carry and use.

I cry all the time and when I don't cry at night I can't fall asleep. Crying physically destroys any energy I have left over for the day and sometimes it destroys some of the energy it wanted to use the next day like right now. Tomorrow will be shit too esp in the morning bc I have so much to do. I cry to let my day finish for at this point I don't care if the next day will be bad as well. I just care that the day finishes bc each day at home feel like eternity. I cannot even sleep right anymore I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes bc my dream triggers me. It triggers me so bad that I begin to shake or cry outloud and I am sleeping and dreaming. Its horrible and it doesn't feel good. Fear disrupts your sleeping pattern if is high up there. Which makes sense but i hate it.

Some people have heard me cry in my sleep and it happens almost every night. I cry for a variety of reasons in my sleep. It's either bc I am having a dream that is triggering me, it's bc I didn't have time during the day to cry, it's bc I conditioned myself to do this. I mean condition myself bc when I was younger and cried in my room which is supposed to be your safe space. He came in and threatened me to stop crying with the object in his hand in the air. And those beaming red eyes of a demon staring down at me to shut up or get hit. And I don't mean hit as in one good hit but multiple. As many as he feels satisfied for sometimes he used to keep doing it to be content with how much he hurt us. For me. He did it until I cried loud and shaked from the pain. He would sometimes take out all his frustration from the day on it. With each movement and the struck I felt on my body I felt the different meanings of it. There was something about it that I knew it wasn't just bc of what I did but bc of other things he was upset about that had nothing to do with me. He lies and tells himself it's bc of what I did that made him do it and neglects the other parts but I felt it and I knew I was right. I cry in my sleep bc that's what I had to do when I was younger in able to not get in trouble and get hurt even more. I learned at a very young age that although you are hurting really bad, especially when it doesn't involve him that I can definitely get alot worse and hurt to the point you no longer want to be there or here in general. I learned to endure pain and much more at such a young age and I am scared I won't break the pattern.

This generational trauma has been so hard to go through alone. Ofc I have friends that support me and are my family and my sisters as well but it's hard. It's so hard to not only pick up your bagage and sort it out but to pick up my siblings as well. I do not want to leave them there in that state of mind. I try so hard to keep them at the pace I am going but it's been difficult bc they are going much much slower than I. It's hard going through it alone at home and there are more of them than i. It's tiring and its sad and scary and dark and lonely. Its so lonely to not be able to talk to my siblings about these thoughts and emotions I feel bc they don't understand it yet. They don't get it all together yet and haven't accepted the truth yet. And I understand everyone has different rates of insight so it is okay but what I'm trying to say is that I'm just so fucking tired of doing this by myself and at the same time trying to carry my mom and siblings to the light of insightfulness. I can only do so much and I'm so close to reaching the point of no return. I feel myself getting to the point where I am no longer growing in this environment and is slowly becoming the place of inhibition.

I am tired, sad, broken, lonely, desperate, in need of help, frustrated, scared, unmotivated, mean, and grieving.

Will it get better soon? How soon is soon? Will I be able to get to soon with others or will I arrive to soon on my own? Either one is beneficial to me but when I look around me I will know at that moment what I will have to do.

3:47 these characters eased my mind from the 2AM incident that woke me up. For the alarm goes off in 2 hours. Bless my soul for being strong bc without it's strengths I am not sure if another would be able to handle what this soul in a body named consuelo does. and I would never want another to go through what I have

[shkid]

Condensing posts:

he got a job, i had a panic attack

So last night I ended up going out. We had our last ever university class, and a bunch of us went out for food. I was ready to hit the library, to prep for a meeting with my dissertation advisor today, but a couple of folks were making me feel bad for wanting to leave. So I stayed and had a couple of drinks. I wasn’t feeling great, but was drinking vodka blackcurrant, because I didn't want anything fizzy. Gradually people left, and one friend started trying to manipulate people to stay out. Fair enough, she had gone to a great deal of effort for having a night out, and the people who said they were gonna stay out ended up bailing early. I kinda felt for her, because there’s nothing worse than having to go home when you’ve got a good buzz going on, and no-one else is feeling it. I promised her one last drink. One last drink turned into a few (inevitably), multiple keys, and missing our last trains. We walked home, talking over each other, and smoking. My mouth was so dry and I already knew that the next morning wasn’t going to be good. She left mine just after 2am, and I went to bed. I slept maybe 45 minutes before getting up with such a thirst. I sipped a pint of water, and was trying to force myself to sleep, but of course I was still wired. honestly must have got up to the toilet about 7 times. My stomach was absolute agony. kept falling asleep for 5 minutes at a time, and then waking up needing a drink, or checking my phone etc. I watched the sunrise which was cool. I had drafted out an email to my supervisor at about 6:30am saying that I wouldn't make it in. I was dry heaving, but there was nothing in my stomach to throw up. Felt like shit for a couple more hours and then eventually got about 45minutes from 9:15am-10:00am. I felt like a new woman. So i got my bag packed and headed into town. Getting off the train I started to feel sluggish, and anxious. I bought a sports drink to try replenish electrolytes but was moving as if I was wading through gravy. Stepped foot in my faculty’s building and my heart was racing. My fitbit said my heart rate was >120. I was sweating, dizzy and nauseas so went to the bathroom. splashed some cold water on my face and rubbed up my cheeks. I looked transparent, and needed to get some colour in my cheeks. I walked with gravy legs to my advisor’s office and she greeted me by saying “how are you?”. I just said “I’m so sorry, I can't do this. I’m not well. can we reschedule?”. I think she was pissed. she said “how long have you been feeling ill? you should have just emailed me to cancel. You look very peaky, I think you need to go home to bed. Maybe go to your doctor”.

I sat outside in the rain and watched my heart rate come down, and my breathing regulate. I emailed her to say I was feeling better and that I think it’s just anxiety. The only other experience I have of that feeling, was the one time I had a panic attack in school (and that was 4 or 5 years ago now)! I reckon it maybe was a panic attack, but probably my baseline anxiety wasn’t helped by the coke comedown, hangover, and dehydration. i’m kinda mortified. She emailed me back and suggested that with her “year tutor hat on” she wanted me to seek support from counselling or my GP for strategies to help. I came home and have just dozed all day. My high-achieving brother on the other hand, got a permanent teaching contract at the school he’s been doing his probationary work at. I’m delighted for him, but feel like it highlights the complete worthlessness I feel about myself. lol.

shkid

what’s the harm in talking about self-harm?

Today I talked to a friend in great depth about my past with self-harm. I’ve only known her for four years(!) Took me long enough. In my 8+ (omg) years, I’ve barely mentioned it to my nearest and dearest. I still have close friends and family who have absolutely. no. idea.

This is a good sign. I’m writing a paper about NSSI and discovering so much about myself, as well as the kids I’m advocating for! Learning to break down the stigma in my own head. We NEED to start talking about NSSI, even if it’s difficult. It needs to become less of a taboo. Too many kids are suffering in silence! If I could speak to my 16 year old self, I’d tell her to believe the people who say that it’ll get better. Learning to forgive myself, and trying to practise self-compassion.

shkid

Sack her, employ a new one

So today was only the second time I met with a student counsellor and it was fantastic. Well actually it was very difficult throughout the actual session but I left feeling so much better. I really struggled to talk today, but I think I've maybe identified what my issue is. I've always known that I'm a bit hard on myself and whilst this can serve a purpose, I think it's become somewhat debilitating. I've always been "a bit depressed" and it's likely because I am literally my own worst enemy. Or at least, my worst enemy lives inside my head as my self critic. I was able at one point throughout the session to be mindful of this and correct something that I said; "I'm no good at talking". Sylvia helped me acknowledge that I couldn't be so bad at it because I had seeked out help and had gone to the session despite knowing I was going to find it difficult. I said to Sylvia "I wish I could just sack her, and employ a new one!" My self-critic is very good at what she does. But I wish she could tone it down a bit. Since the session I've caught myself saying demoralising things to myself, that I would never say to anyone else! A quick google, and the self critic describes me perfectly - often engages in self destructive behaviours! That's me. Whether consciously or subconsciously I've always been one to put myself in destructive situations. Questioning intimate relationships and worthiness of these. Me. To a tee. Sylvia asked me to think of what ugly thing's inside of me that stops me from being able to be kind to myself. The first word that came into my head was "worthless" and no matter how I tried to think of something else, it hung about there. Eventually I said it out loud. And I started to well up as the word came out my mouth. Sylvia was aghast and said she felt sad inside. So did I. I always THINK that I'm worthless, it's just I never acknowledge properly how wrong that thought is!! Thoughts are not facts. When it's just in my head I allow it to be true. That I'm not worth loving. That I'm not worth friendships, a career, a life. But out loud that's ridiculous - Sylvia had me explore things that I could be proud of and take ownership for. I struggled to think of any examples to start with, but have managed to come up with a couple since.

shkid

i’m so irritable

every little thing is bothering me. Today I slept in, which was the first thing that pissed me off today. Fitting that I woke up already hating myself and with reason to. That’s a new record.

had to skip any sort of human routine, and rush to get a train to a class I didn't even want to go to. sat in the class and my group had literally done nothing for the group task. I suggested what we could write for each question, and when it came to the presenting back to the class bit, my friend, (although today feels like a ‘friend’) looked over at me and then to the back of the class where another friend was sitting and raised her eyebrows to give a knowing look of “oh look, C____ isn't going to present today, like every other week” (or maybe I’m just paranoid), so i fucking did present. as a massive fuck you to her and all the others in my group. then once I was done, I kinda juts looked down at my book and started welling up because I was so upset and angry at how my friend had acted with me all morning.

after class, I walked to the library with said friend, and she was all “oh sorry I’m going for lunch with ____, I mean, you can come if you want?” which I took to be an invite to decline her invite. so i went to the library for all of 23 minutes before leaving because I was upset and couldn't focus.

Come home, and think about trying to make a start on some assignment work, but my fucking flatmate (who I really dislike at the best of times), had moved my laptop and work sheets from the dining room table, and spread out her own work. this is annoying for a few reasons. 1) she whinged about wanting a desk in her room for so long that I gave her my desk from my room - so she has a bloody desk in her room and I don't. 2) I spend nearly all my time in my own room, but today was a day where I actually wanted to be able to used the dining room table to try and start on some work. 3) It’s the only fucking table in the flat that I can work at, unless I invited myself to use my old one in her room?!?!

So frustrated. So unmotivated. Still sad. Still lonely.

(but having a check-in with a counsellor tomorrow which is much needed and hopefully will be a good opportunity for me to be able to talk to someone rather than vent to a fucking blog that no-one reads anyway)

shkid

I was having a bad day, and then it started raining

And when I say raining, I mean a torrential hail pellets driving into your face downpour. And my jacket isn't waterproof, and my jeans were clean on this morning but are now soaked. I'm getting really pissed off. I have so much uni work to do and yet can't mentally focus to do it. I was sat in class today, completely not focused. No drive at all. I am REPULSED by my body and yet won't do anything about it. I have no motivation to exercise and find it hard enough to do some simple body weight exercises in my room. I use food as an emotional crutch but then feel even worse after I binge, than I did before. It's a constant Catch 22. I want to cry but my body doesn't allow it. I well up and feel emotional, and yet I can't produce enough tears to actually cry. I don't want to be around people and conversation requires so much effort and I get so irritated at irrational things, and yet I get so down about being lonely. More than anything, I want to self injure but I can't. I can't ruin my chances of being able to swim soon, or upset my boyfriend when he sees my thighs next. I've already "accidentally" burnt my arm on the oven too many times. It's so fucking difficult.

[latestnews2018-blog]

Virat Kohli: The making of India’s captain

New Post has been published on https://latestnews2018.com/virat-kohli-the-making-of-indias-captain/

Virat Kohli: The making of India’s captain

India’s Virat Kohli during a nets session at Edgbaston ahead of the first Test against England.

London: In December 2006, an 18-year-old Virat Kohli was playing a Ranji Trophy match for Delhi. His team were in trouble at 105 for four against Karnataka and facing the follow-on the next day. Kohli was 40 not out at the close. That night, Kohli’s father died, aged just 54, from a stroke.

Rajkumar Sharma, Kohli’s coach from the age of nine, was away in Sydney and received a call from his tearful young protege, breaking the news.

“He called me, crying, saying, ‘My father is no more’,” Rajkumar tells The Daily Telegraph. “I was shocked because he had become a dear friend of mine. He asked, ‘What should I do? I am batting on 40-odd and Delhi are in big trouble. I want to bat.’ So I encouraged him to play. I said, this is the time to show your character. And he did.”

To the astonishment of his teammates, Kohli arrived at 7.30am at the start of the third day and declared himself ready to play. He went on to score 90, and Delhi saved the game.

“It was very tough for a young kid whose father’s body was lying in the family home and he had gone to play a cricket match. That shows how committed he was to cricket and his team. Virat matured very early because of his father’s death. I was always there for him, but he started taking his own responsibility and became mature from that time onwards.”

‘He was a ferocious competitor’

If Kohli’s reaction to his father’s death indicated an almost preternatural ability to compartmentalise — a trait which has served him well as he has attempted to cope with the pressure of captaining India and of being that country’s biggest sporting superstar — it was not actually the start of his remarkable sporting journey.

That began on May 30 1998, the day Rajkumar opened his West Delhi Cricket Academy. One of the first through the doors was the nine-year-old Virat, accompanied by his father and brother. Kohli would cycle the three miles from his family home with his kitbag on the handlebars. And even now, nearly 20 years later, Rajkumar can catch glimpses of the little boy when he is batting for India.

“He immediately looked different from the others,” says Rajkumar. “He had a lot of power for his age. He had that ambition to play with the bigger boys and not in his age group. He always used to say, ‘Let me play with the elders’. Because in his age group, nobody could get him out. He had a lot of self-belief from the beginning.

“He was strong as a fielder, also. He used to throw the ball from the deep to the wicketkeeper, which was not common at that age. He had a lot of physical strength.

“The best thing about him was he was never scared of any fast bowler — or any bowler for that matter. Even as a 14-year-old kid, facing bowlers who had played first-class cricket. He used to take them on.

“He has added a few changes for different conditions, but the style of his batting has remained the same since the beginning.

“As a young boy, the best strength in him was his cover drive — and he used to hit it very hard. He was a good driver of the ball, but played a lot of flick shots that I felt he should not play in the early part of his innings. Lots of times I had to tell him not to play that shot.

“But he worked very hard to master that stroke, and now it is his bread-and-butter shot.”

The West Delhi Academy now has 800 boys on its books travelling from all over India to work with Rajkumar. It is based at four sites around the city. But the main centre is in West Delhi, an area where people have to jostle for space and fight to get ahead.

Six Test cricketers have hailed from West Delhi in recent years: Virender Sehwag, Kohli, Gautam Gambhir, Shikhar Dhawan, Ishant Sharma and Amit Mishra. Of those, only Gambhir had the safety net of family money.

“Even as a junior cricketer Virat was a ferocious competitor,” says Vijay Lokapally, now the deputy editor of The Hindu newspaper and Kohli’s unofficial biographer, but back then a regular attendee at Rajkumar’s academy, where he would watch the young Kohli.

“He would take defeat to his heart and be upset with any loss. I remember he would wait for his turn to bat and if the target was short, he would like to go and open. Because his worry was that if he was slotted at four, he might not get an opportunity to bat. It is not that he did not have his flaws — he did, and he had some temperamental issues initially. But look how he has got over them and shaped his career.

“Today his mental strength is the best in the world, and it is because he comes from West Delhi, a very tough place. It is a very business-dominated region of Delhi where you are constantly competing with your neighbours or colleagues to find your place. Also the fact that there was such tough competition among the clubs in Delhi. He knew if he did not grab his chance, he would possibly never get it back.”

‘He sets standards for the whole country’

There were setbacks. Lokapally details in his book how Kohli was initially turned down by Delhi.

“At 2am — and this was the days before mobile phones — his coach got a phone call, and it was Virat wanting to know how he had got on at the trials,” he says. “He had to break his heart and tell him he had not made it. He said, ‘They are not convinced you are good’.

“Next year Virat came back and scored six or seven hundreds on the junior circuit and they could not keep him out.”

Kohli’s father told Rajkumar on his first day at the academy that the coach would be a surrogate parent, a mentor for the young Kohli.

He chuckles when asked if Virat has always been such a dedicated fitness freak. “Not exactly. Initially he was this chubby guy who loved eating non-veg food, especially mutton. But the standard he sets himself now started when he began playing for his country and then stepped up when he became the captain. He became so committed, and decided he had to lead from the front. He says he can only ask his teammates to do the fitness things if he has done them himself. He thinks he has to show them it is helping them. Which is why he sets standards for his teammates — and, I would say, the whole country.”

Kohli has not forgotten his roots. He presented a brand-new car to Rajkumar on India’s Teacher’s Day in 2014. Virat was in the United States on a photo shoot so he asked his brother to deliver the car. He knocked on Rajkumar’s door, passed him his mobile phone to speak to Virat and plonked a set of car keys in his hand.

“When he comes to the academy now, he brings two full kitbags. If anyone needs a bat, gloves, spikes or pads he gives them his stuff,” says Rajkumar. “He gives them to the boys who are doing well or are needy. Everybody gets inspired by his presence. He motivates them so much, and if any of them have a problem with batting or bowling they can approach him and he will give them a lot of time. Last time when he came he bowled a lot of throwdowns to a young boy named Rajesh Sharma, telling him how he should be playing short balls. He really helps youngsters.”

‘Some think he’s brash but he’s very down-to-earth’

Kohli still has the same circle of friends from school or his junior cricket teams.

“His upbringing was brilliant. His father, brother and mother always supported him — but never pampered him. They know the values of society, and they brought him up very well,” says Rajkumar.

“He has not added to his friends over the last few years just because he has become a superstar,” adds Lokapally. “He has a very close circle of friends whom he has known from his much younger days. Normally when they acquire fame, people tend to cut off connections with their roots — but in his case he has been very faithful to his friends.

“People wrongly portray him as brash. He is not brash, he is competitive and confident. People mistake that as arrogance. But he has never shown any disrespect. He has a lot of respect for former players and cares for them.

“Whenever he is in Delhi and there is a Ranji Trophy match on and he is not playing, he will make a point of going to sit with his team.

“I find he is down-to-earth, no matter what he has achieved,” he adds.

Every cricketer has a different life story to tell. Kohli’s — from riding his bike to the West Delhi Academy with his kitbag dangling on the handlebars to being the captain of India — reveals a lot about the sort of competitor England will have to overcome if they are to win this Test series.

[milleniallife-blog1]

Living

Most recently, I have self evaluated.. I have traced my every step, relived the events, and essentially re-read the words to every chapter in the book of my life. And as I reflect, I realize my life is not perfect by far but I choose to be happy, nonetheless. I have honestly reached a level of satisfaction I did not believe possible just 4-5 years previously.

I. AM. ME. I am a mother, a partner, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I am a healthcare administrator, an entrepreneur, a community service enthusiast.. I am an advocate, a mentor, a believer, a change agent.. I am a server, a servant.. I. AM. ME.

I am very happy with the degree of my success.. thankful, humbled.. a millennial working in the field I have always aspired to work within (health care administration) with an amazing 10 year old daughter, a 2 year old cousin who loves me as his mom and a man who is the epitome of loyalty, hard work, and unconditional love.. imperfect, flawed but completion personified. I have that life, a phenomenal income, but it is still imperfect.

Sometimes I feel we search for that which doesn't exist.. We graduate from high school, journey through college, and are faced with a world that most of us are not prepared for. We are told to dream big. We are told the sky's the limit. We are told we can do or be anything we set our minds to.. Right? But those things don't make us successful. Nor do they come easily.

At various points in life, we hear about the recipe to success.. But with recipes, you input specific ingredients to obtain a desired result.. Like that day in math class when they told us 2x + 4y + c + d = SUCCESS. And it is never quite the same variables; therefore, in my opinion, mathematics has no effect on success. There is no such formula. Success has no recipe; success is a journey. Along the way, we encounter barriers, and we each choose how we approach them, no two of us in the same manner. We approach life according to our beliefs, our past experiences, and/or what we are told.

For me: Hard work. Dedication. Perseverance. These words have been repeated to me continuously for years by my parents. These words were ingrained in my soul; I think they are even tattooed on my brain. Before I understood the concept of success, before I grasped what life was truly about, I knew I would not make it without working hard, without being dedicated to the task, giving up not an option. But even knowing some of the tools required to make it in life, I still managed to get off course. Don't we all? I grew weary trying to live up to the expectations of my loved ones.. even the demands I placed on myself. My fear has always been failing. And fear cannot be allowed to defeat you. It has defeated me so many times! Life has a way of breaking you down, and being broken feels like being stuck in quicksand. No forward movement. No progress. No growth. Brokenness cannot be your place of rest. Understand what caused you to get to this point and make a decision to overcome. I have learned until you face your fears, the adversary will constantly use it against you.

So fear behind me.  The future ahead. The present at hand...

I knew life required me to seek what I was intended to impart upon this Earth. I knew I had to accept and birth my purpose if I wanted to truly be fulfilled with life. This is not a spiritual post by far, but I believe God has a plan for each of us, one well thought out prior to arranging our descent to Earth. Purpose is the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. God determines what we will contribute to society. He carefully creates us, selecting the talents and gifts like we choose that shirt we can't live without from the rack of our favorite boutique. He makes certain we are unique and that He aligns our purpose with those who will need it. So that at a predefined time our paths will cross that of those who are intended to impact our purpose, some for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Nothing happens, in my opinion, by chance. Destiny/fate is very real; we simply have to accept it.

So here I am being transparent at 33.. a single mother.. and once upon a time that made me very sad; I was embarrassed to admit I was the product of a failed marriage. God showed me, however, that although my marriage did not survive years of cheating and abuse that I still had life within.. He showed me that I had much to be grateful for.. He showed me that His hand still covered me, protected me.. His grace, mercy and favor still accompanied me everywhere I went.. God made me see that His light still shined down on me illuminating a path that lead me to His purpose for my life.

I decided to fight, to put on the essential armor and enter the battlefield of life. I was determined to greet success, no matter what my past looked like. A huge wave.. Being comfortable was not an option.. My accountability partners make sure I remember that. I am thankful for our chats, YouTube's motivational videos, and most importantly God's Word because they each remind me that struggle will come but I am a product of His promises, my purpose still there waiting for me to fulfill like that puppy in the pet store awaiting it's owner. I knew that my fate was set and I needed to work hard to achieve it.

So Here. I. Am.. Working.

Balancing all of my responsibilities is hard as hell. I will not be the one who lies or pretends that success comes easy. My day starts before 5am now and ends at 2am sometimes. I have learned that when you truly want something, you are not afraid to lose a bit of sleep. I have learned to still function on 3-4 hours of rest.

I awaken and before my feet hit the floor I thank God for another day to pursue purpose. I'm intentional about that. I cook breakfast. I iron clothes. On my journey to school and daycare, we pray and listen to trap music. Ha! I am not ashamed. I work an 8 hour day as a healthcare administrator. I pick up 2 kids from school. I cook dinner. Help with homework. Play games. Prepare baths. Read. Complete tasks for the business. Respond to emails. In addition to making time for my love throughout the day. A shower where I'm thinking and planning. Journal. Prayers.

No one teaches you how to balance your responsibilities. No book truly prepares you for parenting. Watching what looks like perfect parents does not even ensure you will get it right. Daily I feel defeated, like I'm not giving enough, but kids who cannot live without me keeps me going yet another day. Smiling faces. Employees who surprise me on Boss’ Day with a gift that moves my heart make it all worthwhile. A mom who reminds me I doing a great job. An aunt who sends a text out of nowhere stating she wanted to write about me at church, nominating me as super mom.. for being not only a great mother to a child I birthed into this world but to one who doesn't know any other mom. A partner who holds me and reminds me all I do is not in vain.. Thanking me for my hard work and asking how he can lift the burdens. A brother and cousin (in-law) who are my outlets, who allow me to vent without judgement. I am surrounded by a host of people who God specifically placed in my life, people who support and encourage me. Without my village, I would have not made it this far.

To wrap it up, one can't simply dream to be in any field without getting out there and putting in the work, the countless hours of lost sleep, the sacrifice of not meeting another obligation to get the end result. Parenting, marriage, careers all take work. They all require time and energy. You just have to decide that what you want is worth it.. and be ready to sacrifice, and die to self, in order to fulfill your purpose. Make decisions. Take risks. And own it. Embrace the life that God created specifically for you and watch yourself WIN.

Thoughts??

[some-far-far-away-land]

Chesca's Current Status

I wish that every weekend could be as inspiring and motivating as the ones I have when I go to Toronto.

this weekend started off pretty serious and sad. Friday afternoon I had to talk to my parents about everything that happened with me after Reading Week. That meant explaining to them a bit of what happened between Thavi and i and the people who I thought would have helped me get through the break up, but ended up making the whole situation worse. I had to tell them how low my self esteem and motivation to do anything was. How I thought that I deserved to be feeling these things and the anxiety that I developed because of thavi and his actions. It wasn’t a pretty conversation and of course it had to happen at McDonalds.

After they left I met up with Jack and Jose for this party their friends were throwing. It was pretty fun and I got pretty drunk. During the party this guy I I’ve frequently been seeing messaged me if I wanted to go to Phil’s that night. Of course I said yes, even though I wasn’t expecting to go out. They got to Waterloo around midnight (they're from Toronto) and we got into the club around 12:40ish, so enough time to have fun. At this point I was already pretty tipsy and borderline drunk. We got drinks right when we got in and started dancing. I wanted to dance with him, him being Jacob. He brought one of his friends down and we coincidentally met his friends cousin at Phil’s. At one point they were all talking and I was dancing behind Jacob and drunk chesca wasn’t having the lack of attention, so I went and had fun myself and danced on the poles. I had so much fun by myself! I danced with some girls and kept an eye on Jacob but didn’t care so much, since he was with his friend and found girls to dance with. Couldn’t be salty or be like possessive since we are just like fwb anyway. Later on in the night I had to use the washroom, I was pretty wasted, the night is pretty blurry at this point. Someone stopped me on the way to the washroom and said “hey chesca” I couldn’t recognize who it was at first and then I realized it was thavi. I was like oh hi… thavi?! And then kept walking lol by the time it got to like 2AM I was pretty gone and my phone was gonna die. I started looking for my coat check ticket and I couldn’t find it. Also at this point I couldn’t find Jacob or his friend and I was like totally wasted. So I called a cab to take me home, Jacob joined me after and he was pretty drunk. We had our fun that night and he left with his friend in the morning.

I was supposed to go with them but I was pretty hung over and feeling drunk still when he woke up at 9am. So I actually got a ride to Toronto from Jack and his friend. Felt pretty queasy on the drive there. I hadn’t eaten all day and by the time I did eat it was like 5pm. I was supposed to meet with Sylvia earlier in the afternoon but she made plans with other friends prior too, so I met up with King and we went to dim sum, like we did when we went on our first date. We were supposed to go to the harbour front but the place we planned was busy since a jays game had just ended. It was nice to see him and catch up. After I met with sylvia and we commuted back to her house, which took almost 2 hrs from downtown. We had really good talks, she told me what happened with her and josh and her break up and the crazy drama behind it. We ended up talking till like 3AM that day. It felt like the old times and I missed having sylvia around to talk with and have quality conversations with.

We ended up getting up at 11:30am and eating lunch at her house. After we got ready we headed to PMALL! It was like a 30 min walk from her house. We got bbt, ate some good “street food” and we bought new phone cases! I got this nice sparkly one! I haven’t gotten a new case in awhile and I enjoy how new it makes my phone feel! I ended up leaving her at 5 because this guy who I had befriended from the Alex and Will concert wanted to meet up. It was supposed to be a group of us but everyone bailed but him. He said he was downtown and wanted to grab dinner. Our plans was to meet up after 7. That time comes around and I don’t hear from him so I decided to just walk around Chinatown and grab cheap buns at one of those Asian bakeries and read my book. I still don’t know what happened to him. I got back to my friends place around 9:30 and just stayed there, making my Spotify playlists and listening to music. Went to bed pretty late too.

I didn’t wake up till like 1PM. I’m pretty sure I experienced my first sleep paralysis situation that night because I had a very vivid dream where I couldn’t move anything but I was conscious. It was a really weird and scary experience. When I finally had control off my body I just forced myself to go back to sleep. I had the weirdest sensation while I was like frozen. It felt like a really strong presence was like hugging me like I’m on my side and they’re hugging me from the back, but it was like a squeezing feeling. I dont know it was weird.

Anyways woke up, and got ready to go get food with Celene. We ate in Chinatown and walked to the eaton centre and spent time at sephora and walking downtown. Commenting on cute guys that passed us and having quality girl time. I’ve never really spent summers in Toronto and after this weekend, I look forward to the adventures I’ll be having there in the next few months. I found a carpool for 9PM so I was just kind of chilling until then. Out of the blue this guy I had matched on tindr like 2.5 years ago (the same time I matched with Billy) 

 ---side story--- 

So this guy, his name is Patrick (lol so many Filipino's names patrick) I remember him specifically because the summer of 2015, when I went on a whole bunch of tindr dates, I matched up with him and Billy at the same time. I was leaving toronto and it was supposed to be my last tindr adventure and then when school started I was just gonna focus on school, work, and all the extracurriculars I was a part of. I ended up going with billy because our talks on the phone the week leading up to our first meet up were really good. Obviously we started dating and then patrick just ended up being another guy that I became friends with on social media. 

Anyways he messaged me, we hadn’t talked in awhile. We were supposed to meet up that weekend I went for the Alex and Will concert but man went too hard at the gym and had to cancel. I like how he asked me to dinner too. He was just like “have dinner with me!” Not even asking just stating it. I liked his confidence. I wasn’t expecting for this to pan out to be honest since the last two times we were supposed to hangout he flopped, for good reasons though, but I just felt like I wasn’t supposed to meet this guy for some reason. We met up around where my carpool was supposed to pick me up and we went to this really nice izakaya place. I honestly felt like a bum, like I was wearing a shirt dress and a hat because I was heading home and my hair was starting to get greasy.

So since my break up with thavi, I haven’t really felt romantically attracted to any guys. I’ve honestly just been using them to fulfill needs and have fun. I think I am also subconsciously not letting myself get emotionally attached because my heart is still healing and I don't think I can take another disappointment. That and no one really peaked my interest in like a relationship way, since my standards went up pretty high after all the drama that happened with thavi. The night before too I was thinking about deleting tindr and just letting God bring me a man when He thought I was ready. After meeting this guy though and hanging out with him I found myself getting nervous, a bit self conscious, and like I felt little flutters in my stomach. He actually had me feeling something, and in turn it got me acting different from myself. I felt like I really wanted to give him a good first impression, and not like just be half there. I even put my phone away and didn’t rely on it. I honestly haven’t genuinely laughed that much in awhile, my cheeks actually hurt. I didn’t feel like I had to force myself to like this guy, he made it easy. He was such a gentleman and our conversation didn’t lack, I didn’t have to push for it to continue and he had so much energy and things to talk about. It was refreshing. He ended up staying with me until my carpool. I was actually genuinely sad that the date had ended and it felt like the time went by super fast. Two hours felt like 30 mins.

Even though we didn’t meeting up till now, we’ve followed each other on social media and seeing his updates and posts about his life and personally hearing the successes he achieved in the span of 2.5 years really motivated me to get my life around and focus on those life goals and bucket list things I set aside in the 2.5 years I’ve been dating and absorbed in the guys I was in relationships with. unlike all the dates I’ve gone on the past 2 months this one I feel like it may go somewhere, but I’m trying not expecting anything. Just gonna see how it goes the next few weeks, while focusing on the things I told my parents I would be doing. He just kind of restored my faith in guys, that there are still good ones out there. He has hit a lot of my main criteria points so far too! 1. He’s older (25) 2. He can carry a conversation 3. His energy is pretty equal to mine 4. He is very career driven 5. He was funny and interesting to hang with 6. He’s Filipino so that’s a plus 7. He dresses well and looked like he tried to look nice for our meet up. 8. He also encouraged me to continue to strive for my goals and even offered advice!

After I just had this feeling that I know there was a reason why the other times didn’t work out with meeting up with him. Gods timing is perfect and he’ll bring people and take people out of our lives at the right time. I think this was the right time to have met him to be honest.

So yea after our meet up or date whatever you call it, I carpooled home, and got back around 10:30pm. I dont know why I wanted to document this weekend. I guess it was one of first weekends where I didn’t feel like escaping, I just wanted to go to have fun. My main reason was to be with sylvia as she helped me out a lot with my break up so I wanted to show her the same support. She’s doing a lot better then I was 2 weeks into the break up that’s for sure. Anyways imma end it here, I have work at 8am and it’s 3:30am 😅