#I was also planning on buying Fancy Pretty Underwear for my wedding day and ended up just kinda giving up in despair

[blujayonthewing]

I love to get swept up in researching stuff like ‘best kind of clothes for hiking/ camping’ and then go to try to find some of those clothes to wishlist and be reminded that fat women aren’t allowed to wear things

[wellimhavinga3outof10day]

All right, so @thislifeisawasteland tagged me to answer a bunch of questions that are actually an ask meme, but w/e. (There are kind of Riverdale spoilers in this post? I’m bitter, sue me.) Here we go:

Full name: I’m not really gonna tell you that, so settle for Jessica

Zodiac sign: Taurus

3 Fears: Death, spiders... that I’ll never fall in love?

3 things I love: Chocolate, green tea, & my laptop

4 turns ons: Humour, kindness, bad pick-up lines, goofy smiles

4 turns offs: Racism, homophobia, an annoying voice, a terrible smell in general?

My best friend: Like all of them

Sexual orientation: Bi

My best first date: I’ve only had one first date, so walking around the mall

How tall am I: 5'8"

What do I miss: My friends, knowing Jughead was safe and happy smh

What time was I born: 9:04 a.m.

Favourite colour: Red

Do I have a crush: Not unless we’re counting fictional characters

Favourite quote: *gross sobbing* “It’s like my home.” Nah, I’m kidding, I don’t really have a fave quote

Favourite place: My library

Favourite food: Chocolate

Do I use sarcasm: No, never...

What am I listening to right now: "Leave” by Jojo (lmao, idk why)

First thing I notice in new person: Their hair, tbh

Shoe size: 6 1/2 (yes, I have tiny fucking feet)

Eye colour: Blue

Hair colour: Brown/blonde

Favourite style of clothing: Casual, comfy

Ever done a prank call? Yes and omg worst experience of my life, almost had a panic attack, never again

What colour of underwear I’m wearing now? Pink

Meaning behind my URL: It’s a line from White Collar

Favourite movie: He’s Just Not That Into You (it’s on Netflix now, I’m so excited!!), also Pretty in Pink

Favourite song: Atm, “Prom Queen” by Molly Kate Kestner

Favourite band: ??? idk man

How I feel right now: Pretty good

Someone I love: Jughead Jones (honestly, fight me)

My current relationship status: Single af

My relationship with my parents: It’s good

Favourite holiday: Christmas

Tattoos and piercings? My ears are pierced and I have no tattoos

Tattoos and piercing i want: I kinda want a sternum piercing, and a rose vine tattoo up my side

The reason I joined Tumblr: I was filling out my social media quota before I went to uni

Do I and my last ex hate each other? Well, I didn’t think so but then she made me answer all these questions, so? It’s up in the air ;)

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts? Nah, never (unless you count my mom checking to see if I’m awake when I’m home alone)

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Nope

When did I last hold hands? ...? Fairly recently probably, I hold my mom’s hand all the time.

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes, maybe?

Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope

Where am I right now? At my desk

If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? N/A, never been that drunk

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable (pretty quiet actually if you ask other people)

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Yup

Am I excited for anything? Jughead to be loved and cared for and warm and safe, for the love of god.

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? All right, well “can” and “would” are different words, so technically yes, but I wouldn’t?

How often do I wear a fake smile? Rarely

When was the last time I hugged someone? Last night?

What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Eh, might bug me a little, but you go girl. (I mean, as long as it’s not an old man.)

Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? I don’t think so?

What is something I disliked about today? Today just started, buddy. Umm... for some reason my hands are really sweaty? I hate that?

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Atm, the cast of Riverdale, but that’ll change in like a month if not a day.

What do I think about most? Probably w/e I’m writing atm.

What’s my strangest talent? ...? I don’t have very minute talents, idk what to tell you. I’m very talented at drinking too much green tea and procrastinating things I actually want to do.

Do I have any strange phobias? Mustard

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind, probs.

What was the last lie I told? ...? I lie a lot, idk. I probs lied on here. Kidding, don’t think I have. Umm... I honeslty have no idea. It’s anyone’s guess.

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Both are horrible and probably the worst forms of communication, but I’m gonna go with the phone b/c I have an unnecessary grudge against Skype.

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Maybe? and yes.

Do I believe in magic? Little magic, sure.

Do I believe in luck? To an extent.

What’s the weather like right now? Sunny, average temp

What was the last book I’ve read? I’m in the middle of Crooked Kingdom right now, but the last book I finished was I’ll Give You The Sun

Do I like the smell of gasoline? Yes

Do I have any nicknames? Yes: Jess, Jessie

What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I broke my wrist by getting knocked down a hill and landing on concrete.

Do I spend money or save it? Save it.

Can I touch my nose with a tongue? Nope

Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Yeah, more things than I expected too, tbh.

Favourite animal? Pigs

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Talking to Rachael on Tumblr/watching Misfits

What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Claus (yes, I know it said Satan not Santa, but it’s a conspiracy)

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? I Don’t Wanna Be Sad by Simple Plan

How can you win my heart? Be nice and funny and care about me (honestly giving a shit about me is really all I need, my standards are fucking low as shit)

What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Idk but something kind of weird and maybe a quote I like?

What is my favourite word: Feral

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: Ugh, I don’t want to do this.

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? “I love you, take care of yourselves.”

Do I have any relatives in jail? I don’t think so...

I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Flight

What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Umm... lots of things, I’m sure.

What is my current desktop picture? It’s a city that Natasha made for a class and it’s super pretty and green.

Had sex? Nope

Bought condoms? Yes, actually

Gotten pregnant? Nope

Failed a class? Nope

Kissed a boy? Nope

Kissed a girl? Yup

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Nope

Had a job? Yes

Left the house without my wallet? All the time

Bullied someone on the internet? I don’t think so, I hope not

Had sex in public? Nope

Played on a sports team? Yes

Smoked weed? No

Did drugs? No

Smoked cigarettes? No

Drank alcohol? Yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No

Been overweight? No

Been underweight? No

Been to a wedding? Yes

Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

Been outside my home country? Yes

Gotten my heart broken? Eh, probably not

Been to a professional sports game? Yes

Broken a bone? Yes

Cut myself? No

Been to prom? Graduation in Canada, but yes

Been in airplane? Yes

Fly by helicopter? No

What concerts have I been to? So I went to like three in a row a few years ago: One Direction, Marianas Trench and... shit, I thought there were three... it might have been two... oh! Shawn Mendes! (And I’m listening to him right now and I forgot that, lmao)

Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Yes

Learned another language? Kinda

Wore make up? Nope

Lost my virginity before I was 18? Nope

Had oral sex? Nope

Dyed my hair? Yes

Voted in a presidential election? Federal election yes, I’m Canadian

Rode in an ambulance? Nope

Had a surgery? Nope

Met someone famous? Nope

Stalked someone on a social network? I don’t think so

Peed outside? Nope

Been fishing? I have.

Helped with charity? Nope

Been rejected by a crush? Yes

Broken a mirror? Nope

What do I want for my birthday? *laughs* Umm... not a clue. 

How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 4: Marcia, Whit, Eli, & Beth

Was I named after anyone? My middle name is my Oma’s middle name too, but my first name’s not from anywhere

Do I like my handwriting? I used to b/c it was literally flawless when I was younger, but now it’s like a mess, so no.

What was my favourite toy as a child? Should I even remember this? Barbies, probably.

Favourite Tv Show? Atm, Riverdale

Where do I want to live when older? Not a clue. Probably Toronto or Vancouver? Maybe somewhere in Europe. Who knows?

Play any musical instrument? I used to play guitar but I probably can’t remember any of it.

One of my scars, how did I get it? Idk if I have any scars, man. There’s like kind of a scar by my elbow? But how I got it is a mystery.

Favourite pizza toping? Green peppers

Am I afraid of the dark? Nope

Am I afraid of heights? Nope

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? No, I don’t think so. (I once was caught squirting water in a guy’s face? But he kind of deserved it.)

Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? I don’t think so...?

What I’m really bad at: Figuring out my life

What my greatest achievements are: I once predicted the end of a book, does that count? And my highest post here is almost at five thousand notes?

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: "I love you, but sometimes I just don’t like you.” (Honestly, I deserved it, but it was savage af.)

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: Buy a house, buy a lot of fandom merch, invest a bunch... 

What do I like about myself: I’m pretty laidback, I know what I want for the most part, and I try to be a good person.

My closest Tumblr friend: Not this again.

Something I fantasise about my ex: (lmao my first instinct was to put “dying” and that’s not true, my babe, I’m sorry) Honestly? Just having sex, like nothing fancy.

[leahazel]

The Tale of Aryndra’s Domestic Bliss (fraught with tragedy and confusion)

So it went down something like this:

In a fit of pique over having lost my trusty desktop of six years, I decided to take a risk and install Skyrim on my laptop. Put the graphics settings way down. Added a core temperature background utility. Resolved not to go overboard with mods. Crossed my fingers and created a brand new character. Haven't played in a while, and I was never much of a master gamer, so I went ahead and put it on the lowest difficulty setting because fuck, I play for fun and that's what's gonna make it more fun for me.

Foregone conclusion: I created an Argonian character. My very first Dragonborn was an Argonian named Alika who gave no fucks and ran around the countryside doing whatever she felt like. Normally I trend strongly towards stealth characters but with Aryndra I decided it would be fun to try messing with more warrior-like skills and gave her a sword and shield instead of making her a dual-wielder or an archer. And promptly had her join the Companions. Blocking with a shield is tricky because it runs contrary to my usual play style, but she was doing okay. Went to Bleak Falls, started progressing the man quest, all was well.

Since I was into breaking patterns, I wanted to try recruiting some followers I hadn't messed with before. Once I finished to Companions quest line I started in with Njada because she trains you for shields and that's useful, and she proved to be unexpectedly amusing. Except the lower level Companions followers run out of steam pretty fast, at level 25. Really, it's best to race through the whole Companions quest line early on, so you can best take advantage of them, otherwise by the time the younglings are available as followers they're no use to you. So after I took on Njada I started looking into orc stronghold followers, because I had never messed with them, either.

Now, Aryndra's a warrior and a good & pure soul, but the stealth skill lines are super useful and I almost always end up having to invest something into them. I can't do without lockpicking and speech skills at the very least. Still, when I finally fought my way to Mor Khazgur and tried to sweet talk Borgakh into ditching her dad and going adventuring with a strange Argonian, it didn't go too great. So I doubled back and went to do some other things, and waited until I had the necessary speech boosts to try again.

When I showed up at the stronghold again, a fucking dragon showed up. Out of the blue. A big old frost dragon. I forgot to take a screencap to commemorate the occasion, but it was pretty epic. So Aryndra shows up to beg Borgakh to come with her, because she's not willing to pay her dowry even though she has the money, and next thing you know she's slaying a damn dragon in the middle of a stronghold surrounded by grizzled orc warriors. Naturally from that moment I knew that it was Fated that Aryndra and Borgakh must marry. She slew a dragon for her, for fuck's sake! She's a hero!

Except I still wanted to try her out as a follower first, so I kept dragging her around Skyrim beheading everything in sight until Ary hit level thirty, when we would head to Riften to do the wedding thing and live in wedded bliss. I have Hearthfire, so she had already been working on building her beautiful lakeside manor house for some time now. I'd also stashed away some fancy clothes among all the other "someday" junk she hoards in her various chests and containers. While I was dragging Borgakh around to get to know her better, I had Aryndra make her a "promise ring" and enchant it with frost resistance, so I could give it a corny name like "Ring of Warmth". And then she wouldn't wear it because it was inferior to her existing gear.

Of course, by the time I was pretty much ready to do the wedding, I'd forgotten all about the fancy clothes and ended up in Riften having proposed and set a date, but with nothing to wear but armor. On a whim I started rampaging through the city, looking for free clothes I could appropriate. The fancy clothes are too pricey for friends to let you just take them from their houses, and Aryndra is too Good & Pure to steal (unlike most of my PCs). So she ended up going to the altar in regular day clothes and  was resigned to Borgakh being in full steel plate.

Except I had taken away her default chest piece when I replaced it with one that Ary had upgraded, so when I walked into Mara's Temple Ary's bride was facing her in steel greaves and gauntlets, and weird leathery Skyrim underwear. Looking exactly like a pinup from an old school sword & sorcery novel. At least a couple of her family showed up to the ceremony? And Ary's side had Vilkas, plus two people that I honestly did not recognize. I chatted a little with Vilkas on the way out and he was much less grumpy than usual.

While I was chatting, Ary's new wife exited the temple and fucked off to who knows where, without their having made any arrangements about where to live. This is a notorious bug, so I was freaking out a little. Especially since Ary had shortly before purchased a second home and I wasn't sure where Borgakh would be headed. I looked for her in Whiterun and she wasn't there, although Lydia seemed relieved not to be forever sitting at the dinner table in Dragonsreach. I looked for her in Lakeview. Resignedly, I decided that it was time to look for her in Mor Khazgur with her family.

So I fast traveled to the stronghold and ran around looking for her. She wasn't outside and the door to the interior was irritatingly locked, s that picking the lock and going inside, though easy, would have landed Ary in hot water with the in-laws. I was starting to get pretty crabby with my lost wife and contemplating how far back a save I would need to load to fix it, and then I heard it. An unmistakable roar.

"You can't and you won't," I thought, naively.

But he could, and he did.

Two days after Ary and Borgakh's wedding, a dragon attacked Mor Khazgur for the second time.

After she killed the damn thing, I lost patience and opened up the console. I found Borgakh stranded cheerfully, still in her underwear, somewhere west of Solitude. She seemed to have decided to walk from Riften to her dad's house, and it seemed like it was slow going to say the least. Fortunately, when I caught her and spoke with her the usual marriage dialogue triggered and I sent her off to Ary's fabulous country estate in Lakeview. Then I headed to Riverwood where Delphine was waiting for me, with about thirty invisibility potions stashed in inventory.

Now I had planned on Ary adopting two of the Hearthfire orphans, since she's too Good & Pure to join the Dark Brotherhood an so the orphanage is perpetually out of bounds for her. Of course I knew in theory that the other kids in Skyrim that had parents could lose them, but I thought, hey, what are the odds of losing both parents? Maybe one of the single-parent families would get stranded, like those girls in Dragon Bridge with their d-bag dad. But both parents getting killed? No point in waiting for that to happen, right?

While all that was going on, I had spent several game days running around between different settlements in Skyrim trying to get my equipment together for this particular quest. I really wanted Ary to be able to cast Muffle, which should be easy enough since it's not a very high level spell and it's terribly useful for infiltrating embassies and so on. Except I had forgotten that Ary's a warrior and I'd never once upgraded her magicka pool, which left her well short of the required amount without proper equipment to enhance it. And in the course of my rambling from merchant to merchant, looking for some kind of magicka-boosting ring or hood or something, I ran into another dragon, this time in Riverwood.

The mod that prevents civilians from trying to kill a dragon with kitchen utensils? It recently updated to merge with another mod, and now requires a second DLC which I don't have, or else it crashes my game. Very tragic. While Aryndra and her intended orc-wife were frantically trying to slay the dragon, that scaly bastard killed two Whiterun guards, the smith Alvor, and his wife. The smithy in Riverwood? Abandoned now. One less smith for me to buy iron ingots from so I can make thousands of nails for my homestead. This, I did remember to catch screencaps of.

When Ary returned to Riverwood alone, ready to infiltrate the Thalmor, she ran into Dorthe, Alvor and Sigrid's daughter, and young cousin to our old friend Hadvar. 

So, that's the story. That's how Aryndra the Harbinger ended up with an orc wife and a little orphan girl, living in a beautiful lakeside estate. With her housecarl Rayya of course, who she might end up dragging on adventures next. And Njada, who's been permanently "retired" to the countryside to serve as steward. I'd say between these three ladies, Dorthe is pretty well-protected. Even if her new orc mom is still wearing underwear.