#I was a weird kid who became a miserable adult until I got the confidence to just go all in on the weird again XD

[jamiebluewind]

Meanwhile my weirdly specific self used to giggled when I saw 12:08 on a digital clock because I decided it looked like a late night talk show host wearing a bowtie.

i love six o clock because the clock looks so stupid. "|" like get real

[scalene-4]

for somebody that didn’t really use a cellphone until age 12 and didn’t own an iphone until senior year of high school, i’ve certainly made up for lost time. unless i make a conscious effort to face reality on its own terms for the first 10min of being alive on a given day, i usually roll over and grab this stupid thing to look at what other people are up to on instagram or scroll twitter and bear witness to the terminal polarization of society itself play out in real time.

i have to admit, if it were anyone other than elon musk (a nasty petulant man child of a person who seems to have obsessively dedicated his energy and platform to making life miserable for people like myself after his famous pop star ex left him for a trans woman) who had done it, i would genuinely think that buying twitter and changing its name to “X” was a hilarious and ascended move. like anything else elon does, it comes off as the bloated and out of touch result of never being told “no” in your life.

having unfiltered access to social media fundamentally altered me as a person in a really weird and kafka-esque manner. before senior year i was shy and watched the social dynamics of people in my class play out from the sidelines, disappearing into worlds of my own creation with my siblings and close friends once the school bell rang. i was a quiet kid and felt like nobody liked me or saw me, so why would i want to engage socially with the greater Point Loma High School Bubble once i wasn’t physically forced to? of course, these feelings were largely cope as like any other human being i just wanted to feel part of it all and i hadn’t yet realized that channeling this feeling of alienation into art was my greatest superpower. i saw the feeling as a personal failing of sorts, empirical evidence that i didn’t belong because something in me was broken and fundamentally unlikeable. secretly, i wanted really badly to be seen as popular and regarded by my peers, something i probably have never fully reckoned with as my adult life has largely been defined by the pursuit of becoming a famous musician. the roots of that go further back though and that will be a post on here for another time — at this point i’m an angsty 17-year-old completely cut off from the various social dealings of my classmates once school is out and i’m home with my guitar or a pen and paper or a lump of clay.

that all changed once i got an iphone 4S in the fall of my senior year. i immediately downloaded instagram and twitter and snapchat, wasting no breath in making up for lost time. i found that many of my classmates were quick to follow me back and engage with me on those sites, and i quickly became addicted to twitter in particular. the refreshing of the interface and pace of conversation and the way all of our adolescent drama played out for all to see in real time was basically kerosene for synapses yet to be fried on various psychoactive substances. i started making new friends at school from twitter, popular and attractive friends. i didn’t notice it at the time, but my previously regimented and passionate pursuit of excellence in songwriting and my instrument began to fade into the background as i was going to more parties and snapchatting girls and generally becoming a bit more full of myself with each passing day.

i like to joke that if i’d found tumblr at that age and had used soundcloud for discovery instead of just posting half baked acoustic demos to impress my classmates, i probably would have realized i was trans a lot earlier than i did. i tell myself that things play out the way they’re supposed to.

as time went on and the people from my phone began to see who i was in real life, i think whatever charm i was somehow able to conjure initially faded as i grew ever more confident in behaving like the exact kind of person i hated. i got too drunk at every party, i acted snide towards friends of mine i deemed to somehow be lower than me on my imaginary social ladder, i checked twitter every 45 seconds and i treated anybody foolish enough to date me like a disposable accessory. and the thing is, i wasn’t even really popular by any means. i think people kind of just put up with me because i was around.

i can’t blame my phone for this shift because it was simply the catalyst for igniting teenage insecurity into an unstoppable inferno of cringe behavior and self-centeredness. the nature of a tool depends entirely on the hands making use of it, and unfortunately those hands happened to also belong to a tool. thankfully about a week into college i fell in with a wonderful group of friends who immediately put me in my place and to this day we’re all still pretty close. they saw the lonely girl behind the toolish exterior and something about her was worth loving, even if she said dumb shit sometimes.

like i said just now, i don’t blame technology in principle for amplifying the worst parts of human psychology and behavior. i think those traits are things we need to reckon with in an existential sense, and we’ll always be inventing new things that enable our worst selves. however, i think right now in particular that dynamic is functioning at its most sinister in terms of our greater society.

we have just elected a convicted felon slash rapist slash racist slash wannabe dictator, someone who by any objective account had a messy and disastrous first attempt at the presidency and has wasted no time in round 2 sowing fear and hatred and platforming bigotry. so many people agree this man and his underlings should be taken down, but thanks to social media being the forum for these conversations most if not all attempts at collectivizing and strategizing seem to devolve into a mushy goo. no one can agree on who’s leftist enough or what constitutes bulletproof moral standing — my own community can’t even agree on who’s trans enough. no one wants to say it but i feel like all of this is largely due to the way these platforms incentivize negative engagement, and shrink our scope by addicting us to instant gratification. it’s a far quicker serotonin boost to dunk on some teenager with therian lesbian (it/she) in bio than to dismantle oppressive institutions over time collectively. we’re all hooked on feeling like we’re right and more importantly, like someone else is wrong.

i love the one meme where the left is arguing about whether or not a dog is allowed to play basketball or not, while a dog runs around the court dunking on all of them.

rich people will always have access to healthcare and abortion and be free to express their sexuality however they’d like (just look at how grindr activity spikes at any given RNC event), their decadent lifestyle directly subsidized by us peasants and our phone addictions. i think it is absolutely fucking insane that so many of us regularly acknowledge and joke about the fact that we’re being watched and our activities online are recorded and farmed and sold to advertisers. our going back and forth on x dot com about which pronouns are real actively and materially makes money for these people. our attention spans are so short that they can just keep introducing new events to milk our stupidity for capital and widen the gap as the world around us literally burns to death.

i think the whole luigi thing was a psyop sometimes.

think about it: wouldn’t it be in the ruling class’ best interest to knock off a mid tier ceo in a time of growing social unrest and awareness of the evils of that class? tiktok made it impossible to ignore the genocide israel has been committing on palestine for the better half of a century. even if we don’t always use them responsibly, we have open forums from which to commiserate and collectively realize that life doesn’t have to be this unfair. if i were a billionaire oligarch and could afford to do any insidious thing i wanted, my billionaire oligarch friends and i would absolutely sacrifice a lower tier one of our own in a staged event to placate the masses. when brian thompson was executed like a dog in the street we all pretended that it was this massive instant of social awakening and class consciousness, but really what happened is it gave us all means to sit on our laurels and pat ourselves on the back because Someone Else Had Done It For Us. notice there wasn’t a copycat killer! nothing happened! there was a highly publicized chase (the evidence every step of the way looking extremely convenient and staged) and then it turned out they found a guy and he was hot, and once he was imprisoned that was kind of the end of it. CEOs continue to leech off of us and destroy the planet with no fear of retribution, while the rest of us go online and tell ourselves good job.

tools are what we make of them. i think in this crucial time we’re experiencing, this rapid fall to fascism that is ALREADY TAKING PLACE, we either need to learn how to use the tools we have responsibly and intentionally, or perhaps make use of new or different ones. i feel every day like true class consciousness and organized uprising is within our grasp, yet we keep shooting ourselves in the foot while they laugh. i hope with all of my heart that the next brian thompson (would be awesome if it was elon) faces justice at the hands of the people, truly. no frills or discourse or fancam edits, just cold lead karma and an awkward gmod ragdoll pose on the ground.

regardless, it’s about to keep getting uglier and while i reserve no love for these disgusting rich pigs i’m trying to have a greater sense of patience and empathy for everyone else and even for myself. no one’s looking out for us anymore and it’s clear they never were; now that us faggots and trannies have lost our value as a photo op the democrats aren’t coming to save us. i have faith in and love for the people around me and hold a firm belief that we will have each others’ back once the chips are down.

i also wonder how much of my data has been sold in the time it took to type all this.

[itsfinallybedtime]

Change Your Mind

“You’re my family too, Sandor.” A high school AU

A gift for @book-pirate for the Sansan Secret Santa in July.

A monster. A freak.

Something the other children like to call me every time they see me. Even those adults who act all good and understanding were no different with them labeling me with wretched names behind my back. Just because of my scarred face.

I hate this place so bad. I hate school. I hate my stupid classmates. I hate the teachers. I fucking hate Gregor for ruining my life. I hate my father for turning a blind eye to the abuse.

I absolutely loathe everything. It’s suffocating me. The looks, the scorns, the whispers, they do.

Should I be judged because of how I look?

It doesn’t matter. Nothing interests me. No friends to call without their parents telling them my life story.

He had nothing…

That was until I met her…

It was her who had changed my mind.

Sandor Clegane was seventeen when he first met Sansa Stark.

She was a new student in his school.

She was a year younger than him but he could not help but hear rumors about her the moment she transferred to his school. Lovely. Beautiful. Kind. Popular. She was everything he wasn’t. And he was confident she was either a naïve little girl or a two-faced bitch. Sandor certainly couldn’t understand her popularity. Maybe it’s the novelty of her being from Winterfell or whatnot. But the boys, no matter what year, would not shut up about the girl.

Compared to him, Sandor was a bulky and awkward looking teen who wore second handed clothes to school every day. His scarred face was hidden by his long hair. And despite constant reprimands from the teacher, he refused to cut his hair short. Added to that, his reputation of being a well-known troublemaker, the teachers either resented him or were finally tired of having to deal with his crap.

He was the Hound, damnit! He was short-tempered and vindictive to anyone. They kept chanting it. They kept looking at him as though they anticipated him to be a rebel from the start… So Sandor became one. He did what they expected him to do.

So how did the ugly hound meet the lovely little bird from Winterfell?

It all took was a single day to establish a connection between them.

Shockingly enough, it was Joffrey Baratheon who was the catalyst of their relationship.

Joffrey the psychopath was a bully. Blond, handsome and stupidly rich was all that mattered especially in a school full of impressionable kids. He was the “King” and at the top of the hierarchy. And it became apparent that he had locked on his sights to the new girl in school.

Sandor was throwing punches in the sand bag when he heard the school gym door shut, “What the f-”

There in front of him was a flustered Sansa Stark blocking the only way out. Her usually braided hair was loose and her school vest gone, leaving her clutching her unbuttoned blouse in an attempt to preserve some sort of modesty. Clicking his tongue in annoyance, he catches the attention of the girl.

Raising her pretty face at the sound, she almost screamed when her gaze fell upon his scarred face. But the sound of rambunctious male laughter made her freeze. Using her other hand, she forced herself to stay quiet.

Frowning, Sandor noted her obvious distress. Listening at the taunting male voice, he immediately identified the Baratheon spawn.

“Oh Sansa~ Why don’t we stop playing hide-and-seek and start our initiation. Don’t you want to be my girlfriend?” Baratheon snickered.

Sansa began to tremble in fear. She squeezed her eyes shut praying for it all to go away.

Sandor paused. Was it worth it to raise the ire of the blond psychopath or not?

“No need to be shy, Sansa! You looked really pretty pinned on the ground.” Baratheon kept spouting his nasty thoughts while making his other peers jeer.

Disgusted at the blond prick, Sandor made a decision. “Little bird, get over here.”

Her stunningly blue eyes made contact with his. He tried to make his face as less threatening as possible but only manage to show her a grimace. She hesitated and nodded as she began to quietly walk towards him.

Sandor pointed at the locker room, “Just stay there and keep quiet if you don’t want to get his attention.”

She wavered to get in the foul smelling room, “How can I trust you, sir?”

Scowling in annoyance, Sandor responded, “Fucking hell, little bird. I’m only a year older than you. And I am certainly no sir.”

Blushing in embarrassment, “Oh. Forgive me-”

Pushing her in the room, Sandor grunted, “Just get in and shut up.”

The moment he closed the locker room, he hears a loud bang from the gym door.

“Oh if it isn’t the Hound!” Baratheon sneered.

Sandor glared, “What the fuck do you want, Baratheon?”

“Nothing really. Just playing a game. Though have you lately seen a pretty red head pass by this room?”

“No.”

“You better not be lying to me, Hound. Or I’ll make your life even more miserable in this school.”

“Do I look like a give a fuck? And no, I did not notice some red-headed chick pass by. I was busy punching this bag to release stress but who knows I may just be tempted to do the same to some egotistical brat and his goons.”

Furious, the blond prick and his goons left after saying, “You’re lucky I’m busy with the girl or else-”

Once he was sure they were gone from the building, Sandor grabbed his school blazer and knocked at the locker room.

When he hears the door open, he shoves his blazer to her face, “Wear this.”

Sandor nearly flushes pink as he felt her fingers make contact with his but her quiet ‘thank you’ kept him controlled.

“My name is Sansa Stark,” she said the moment she felt herself looking decent.

“I know.”

“Oh.”

Awkward silence reined.

“May I know your name then?” she persisted.

“Clegane. Sandor Clegane.”

“Thank you again Sandor.” Despite his clothes almost swallowing her whole, Sansa still manage to look elegant as she offered her hand.

Ignoring her hand, he said instead, “Do I want to know what just happened?”

“I…. I was just waiting for Margaery in the classroom so we could go home together when Joffrey and his friends came in and told me it was time for my initiation….”

“Basically the initiation was him fucking you,” Sandor growled.

She flinched at his tone. Her lips began to quiver as tears fell down, “I just wanted to be friends. And they- he was so nice when we met.”

“Yeah? Well he’s a two-faced bastard, little bird.”

Rubbing her tears off with the sleeves of his blazer, “Yeah. I unfortunately got that a little too late.”

As she tried to compose herself, Sandor murmured, “Do you want me to take you home?”

“What?”

Grabbing his bag and towel, he said louder, “I’m talking you home.”

Blinking curiously, she smiled at him and gently said, “Okay.”

They left the school in silence as they walked side by side. It was unusual for Sandor because despite the silence they did not seem to feel awkward with each other.

That might as well have been a start of their friendship.

Ever since that day the two of them can be seen more or less together for most of their free time.

The first time it happened, it was Sansa who initiated contact.

Sandor was in the cafeteria with the intention to grab lunch when he felt a hand grab his sleeves. His glaring faltered when he saw the person grabbing him.

With her cheeks pink, Sansa greeted, “Hello Sandor. Do you want to eat with me?”

Before Sandor could even think of an excuse to say no, he unconsciously nodded. Seeing his affirmation, Sansa smiled brightly and began to pull him away from the cafeteria, “I made too much food earlier and wanted to share some with you! I hope you don’t mind eating with me in the school garden.”

They two left the cafeteria with the students gaping at their backs.

She didn’t seem to mind his rude and cynical attitude and he learned to tolerate her ridiculously polite manner of speaking to practically every living thing.

While Sandor began to slowly accept their budding relationship, the school reacted otherwise. The teachers looked worried and hesitant about his possible influence on her. The boys were just envious of him having spent more time with Sansa. But Sandor couldn’t really care less what they think.  

He’ll be honest, it felt weird having someone constant by his side and when he told Sansa about it two months after the incident, she just looked at him with her usual unbearable understanding self.

“You can get used to it, Sandor. I was actually scared of you at first since you kept glaring at everybody. And the fact that you like to beat the crap out of anyone who looks at you wrong didn’t exactly help with my impression of you. But now, I am really glad to have been your friend. You’ve certainly changed my mind.”

He couldn’t help but grin at her words. “And I thought you would have been a pompous rich little bird but not everything is as it seems.”

Their bond grew even more when they began to spend time outside of school. She told him her interest in sewing and showed him her collection of patterns she made which he actually found impressive but just grunted in agreement at whatever was being said as she kept going on and on about color combination and stuff he could not understand.

On the other hand he brought her to the combat classes he’s been taking near his home. He began teaching her self-defense in hopes of keeping her safe in case he wasn’t be around.

Their interests may not have matched but for some god forsaken reason, they still work out.

One year passed and they were closer than ever. The teachers were now more accepting of their friendship after Sansa proved them wrong about him being a bad influence when she kept her grades up and stayed at the top. And hoping to aggravate them less, Sandor tried to avoid starting fights but will retaliate when provoked. At this point Sansa is the only one who can keep him calm.

As for the students, Joffrey actually tried to molest Sansa once again three months after his first attempt but Sandor had beaten the crap out of him. He was actually about to be expelled but Sansa furiously defended him and even brought her father to school. When Sansa bravely confessed about Joffrey’s harassment to her, her father was furious. The blond prick was forced to transfer after Ned Stark confronted Robert Baratheon of his actions. Sandor ended up having only to spend two weeks in detention.

Plus it seems he was in good graces with her family. Except for the She-Wolf, Sansa’s little sister, who was too fierce, ruthless and rough to actually be her sibling. Sansa claims she’s actually fond of Sandor but he remains cautious around the brat.

Now that Sandor was in his senior year, Sansa had asked him about his plans after high school. He admitted he wanted to join the army just to get away from his family. He also told her the real reason why his face is scarred and Sansa wept for him.

Sandor never wanted anything to do with them after all. His sister was long dead. His brother was still a terrible human being. And his father remained ignorant. He had no family he wanted to acknowledge.

Gently cupping his face, Sansa whispered to him, “Oh Sandor, even after having so many siblings I had no one I could connect with. I always wanted to be the model child to make my parents happy. It was something Arya detested about me. But ever since I met you, you’ve changed my perspective, Sandor. You’ve given me the connection I yearned.”

Her smile turned even radiant as she added, “You may think you have no one but you’re my family too, Sandor.”

Sandor Clegane had always love Sansa Stark ever since she gave him a handmade scarf the same color as her charming blue eyes as thanks for lending her his blazer. So he did not think he could fall even harder in love with his little bird. But in that moment he did.

Gently grabbing her hands from his face and placing it close to his chest, he smiled, “Thank you, little bird.”

Walking side by side, Sandor did not let go of her hand until he brought her safe back home.

One month before his graduation, Sansa confessed.

Sandor had every intention of doing so first but fear got to him. He was scared of losing the only friend that he ever had. After all she was the only person who actually took the time to understand him despite his scarred face and terrible temper. So every time he attempted to say something, he loses his nerve and changes the subject instead.

Apparently since he was taking too long, Sansa took matters into her own hands.

There were spending their lunch in the garden when Sansa said, “Sandor?”

He grunted in response as he kept shoving food in his mouth.

“You know it’s almost two years since we met... And now you’re about to graduate and leave…”

Sandor paused his eating as he tried to finish chewing the food already in his mouth. Glancing back down at her, he noticed her face become more and more pink.

“Sandor I… I-”

Realizing where this was going, Sandor wanted to confess to her first but his plans of swallowing his food too fast ended up in him almost choking which distracted Sansa from her speech as she tried to help him.

Sandor was coughing loudly and tried to get some semblance of control when Sansa gently patted his back and giggled. After a few seconds of silence, Sansa looked at Sandor straight in the face and with confidence finally said, “I love you, Sandor Clegane.”

He stared back at her and tried to control the emotions in his face and to keep cool but in the end, he could not help but grin like a fool, “I love you too, Sansa Stark.”

Three Years Later…

“We’ve been in the same unit for two years, Clegane, and I have yet to see your girlfriend!” Tormund Giantsbane said.

“Fiancée. And I have no fucking intention of letting you meet her and harass her.”

“WHAT?! I would never harm a lady!”

“I meant annoy her with your presence.”

“You wound me, Clegane! At least show me pictures!”

Raising his eyebrow, Sandor responded smugly, “A normal camera couldn’t possibly capture her presence.”

Tormund almost blushed in embarrassment, “You lovesick idiot. I can’t be-” before he could continue his rant, Sandor’s phone rang and the man immediately answered.

“Sansa,” Sandor said reverently. Standing up and leaving the office, Sandor gave Tormund the middle finger when the dwarf began making kissy noises to pester him.

“I miss you, Sandor.”

“I miss you too, little bird.”

“Soon?”

“Two more months and I’ll stationed permanently in Winterfell.”

“And in three more months and you’ll officially be part of my family, Sandor.”

Sandor grinned, “Yes.”

“You sure you don’t want to invite your friends in the army to our wedding?”

“I’d rather not. They’re too annoying.”

“Which means you like them.”

“I’m not changing my mind. I’m their squad leader. They might use the opportunity to act all chummy.”

Sansa chuckled, “Uh-huh. Well I’ve still got few more months to change your mind.”

“See you soon, Sansa.”

“I’ll see you soon, Sandor.”

[saltyslack-toast]

How I deal with my puberty

“Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. They are treated like children and expected to act like adults”  – Anonymus.

Facing the ‘youth age’ seems to be very interesting for most of the pre-teen age kids, they thought it will be filled with good memories, cool friends, hangouts, parties, and probably some of charming boyfriends. Well for some of kids, teenage phase is the way it is, they called it for a ‘stupid phase of life’ because they have been through all those reckless and dumb things yet so exciting and memorable events at the same time, but for me teenage life is probably the most broken phase of life.

Start in my early teenage which was in the 5th grade of my elementary, I started having a crush with my one year older senior. Everything was went smooth, I used to have a lot of guts to actually approach him and surprisingly he responded it very well, I’m gonna count that shit as my real first love (since I already have a crush to boys since I was in kindergarten). He was soon graduated and I CRIED SO MUCH, I don’t even understand why would I cried so much back then, but it is kinda sad because that was the first time a boy actually like me back lol and also bc me and him not gonna be in the same school again because he decided to continue his education in Islamic boarding school which was so far away from the area we lived and obviously school which my parents not gonna approves me to go to. Last year of my elementary was the first time I got period, the changes all over my body was so appalling, my voice was getting more shrill and my breast swelling so much i started used a fucking mini-bra that has a cute character printed in it. Also, this stage filled with academics stuff to prepare the junior high school and fighting with my own teacher (she was terrorizing me through anon messages, dude not gonna lie but that shit is scared me as fuck) because…. That’s a fucking long-ass story I’m going to tell you a whole complete story on different page. I got a very terrific result for my academic stuff but I also start to received a lot of bullies from the boys in school, well that was poor but I still have a very good girl pals in school that always accompany me until I managed to graduate elementary school with a very keen grade and also knowledge that my body is changed A LOT.

My middle school life would probably the darkest stage of my life, I did enter one of favorite school in Bandung which I wanted to, but I’m not as happy as I thought to be. I’m amazed with all the bewitching seniors and that’s quite tempted me to have another activity outside the academic stuff which I hoped I could get close with the seniors and try my luck to actually dating with one of them (I was so obsessed to approach to the seniors because dude just admit it, u need that RECOGNITION to survived a new phase of school life, especially when u had a popular life back in previous school stage), but I joined a fucking scouting which was the most unpopular extracurricular activities in school (Pffffttt……….). The first year was quite so so, and up to the next years I really gulping a lot of bullies from the boys (again) more than I received my whole life that was so awful I even got scared just to attend the school. At this point, my level of confidence just dropped so bad until it penetrated the last form of earth soil, I was so insecure, I can barely made any eye contact with people, since then I became more closed to people, I was so scared for getting rejection, bad and all the harsh word from people I met. And for the record, I still remember all of their names, I’M NOT GONNA TO FORGET ALL OF U BITCH, U’VE RUINED MY LIFE.

Due to all the bullies I seized, I’m not maximizing my potential and have to accept the fact that I didn’t went to the high school I wanted so bad (which was the number one in Bandung, perhaps in Indo as well), instead, I have to go the high school (still one of the most-favorited high school in B-town though) that is filled with the most popular peeps in Bandung and known for the superiority of the all the seniors there, CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THAT? A girl who was traumatized so bad, scared of might get bullies since she’s not as beautiful, popular, rich or even attractive as most of the other girls in school. I was crying so bad to accept that difficult truth that I might got bullied again. But hey, there’s always a rainbow after the storm, turns out I did quite well in high school, I joined the student council and got so many good friends and capable of having group of girls squad (eventhough I always be the duff) and more active in non-academic stuff that lead me to a very bad grade result.

The relationship with my family is not went so smooth at all, I used to buried all my problems deep down on myself alone, and the result is no good. I was overly sensitive and got upset and explode VERY EASILY. My family doesn’t help at all, they also blame me for anything, made me hate myself more. I need to run away from this situation, I need to shed my resentment over something, AND THAT’S THE BEGINNING. I started to slashed my fingers with a cutter, not really bad, just until I saw blood drops over my fingers. But then the problem got more serious, I am addicted, after I had through a big fight with my family I start cutting up all over my hands, the blood is overwhelming (yet, I still had the time for doing the documentation, but obviously I’m not gonna post it in here anw, or maybe I will, ofcourse with a proper sensor), even when my sister have taken away all the cutters, I still use my nails to scratching my skin harshly until it get bleed terribly and left a very bad scars on my hands until now.

I failed academic stuff in high school miserably, and had to be genuinely accept the reality that I have to go to not-so-favorited-private uni in Cimahi, I took International Relations because that is the only major that is accredited with an A, lol but yeah my sister realized that I like to talk politics a lot and I’m not so bad in English (kinda true, nah still sucks). And yeah until now I just currently finished the 3rd semester very well. I got a very good grades (Probably because I regret my academic stuff so much in high school) and hoping that nice event will come up to me. My goals right now is to graduate college as soon and as perfect grades as possible, and got a very good job soon after I graduate, Oh God I want… No, I really need that things so bad.

Now I am 20 on April this year, so much things has happened in my teenage life but most of all is not that impressive because I came to be more ignorant(?), but geez I grew up doesn’t care about people, they are all so mean and cruel. But at the same time, people are so interesting to learn, including yourself. Teenage phase could be so difficult for some of you (just like me, or perhaps worse), but chillax that shit will over soon if you able to learn about yourself, finds out about anything you like and don’t, stop hearing all those shit opinion about you, what matter most is what makes you happy, focused on it and leave all the bad and negativity behind, and TRUST ME you’re gonna get over your hard-teenage-life phase soon! And if you were angry to your parents (I’m pretty sure that fight with parents happens all the time in everyone’s teenage life), take a deep breath and thinking something funny in your head, after u have control all the madness inside yourself, get over your parents nicely because that shit will never get over if you were just as emotional as them.

The more you grown up the more you understood about people around you, there are people that is fake, people that is actually care about you, and other types of people out there. Puberty might be shocking for some of you, you finds a lot of changes both in your physical and mental conditions, no need to be worry about that, is normal and very understandable. The passion for being ‘seen’ would be very strong, it would be good for you to use this ambition to achieve many great things in life but don’t forget to take care yourself and those people who care about you.

“Tough time never last, but tough people will do” – Robert H. Schuller

So yeah, that was the end of this boring and so weird writing of mine. I am so sorry if this shit was that bad and also the grammar errors that is whack (even though no one probably read it lol), this was my first experience to actually writing and posted in on any platform online, hoped my writing will get better next time!

Xiao!

[looneyllama-archive]

Over Our Heads Chapter 2

Summary: Lazytown is under attack. A dark, magical creature wants the land, and will stop at nothing to drive the humans away. Sportacus and Robbie Rotten, the two magical inhabitants of Lazytown, have to come together to save their home. Even if they succeed, however, will life in Lazytown ever be the same?

Chapter 2 "Then, the mugger grabbed my neck!" Inside the mayor's office, the kids sat huddled around Stingy, waiting with baited breath to hear what had happened.  Sportacus looked on from behind Mayor Meanswell, lost in thought. "...so I started to feel weird, and I couldn't really hear or see too well.  I know Sportacus was there, though!  Anyway, I think I was tied up—really tightly too!  It almost felt like I was being squeezed by a snake." Stingy scratched his head. "And I can't really remember anything after that." Pixel glanced at his friend's bruised neck and nodded slowly. "Oxygen depravation can lead to unconsciousness.  You probably blacked out, Stingy." "Well anyway, I remember lying on the ground outside the woods, so I guess Sportacus rescued me." Ziggy bounced excitedly. "Of course it was Sportacus!  Who else would it be?" The blond boy stood up and hugged the hero's leg, pulling Sportacus from his thoughts. "Thank you for saving Stingy!" The other children chorused their gratitude as well, and even the mayor stood to shake his hand.  Sportacus struggled to keep a strained smile on his face as the children filed out of the office, heading to their respective homes.  When the last child finally left, Sportacus let his face fall and heaved a sigh. "Sportacus?  Is something the matter?" The hero slowly turned to face Milford. "Mayor Meanswell, I...I think we should all be taking this more seriously." "Whatever do you mean?" Sportacus hesitated to respond, struggling to find the right words. "Well, Stingy got hurt—" "Oh, but you saved him in the end!  And I'm confident that this mystery mugger won't be around again now that she's seen you!" Milford reached up and put his hand on Sportacus's shoulder. "And even if she does return, I have confidence in you.  I know you'll keep us safe." Sportacus opened his mouth, but couldn't think of anything to say.  He simply forced another smile and jogged out of town hall, his mind racing even faster than his feet.  Finally, Sportacus skittered to a stop underneath his airship. "Ladder!" The ship obeyed, and within seconds, he had reached the ship. "Sportacus, it is is past 8:08.  Is something wrong?" Without stopping to catch his breath, the elf leapt into the cockpit and scanned Lazytown desperately. "Ship, direct sensors toward the forest!  If anything comes out of there, I need to know immediately!" "Redirecting sensors.  Sportacus, it would help if I knew what to look for." His adrenaline rush gone, he sighed and slouched in the pilot seat. "It's a skogsfru.  She...she wants Lazytown." Sportacus rested his weary head in his hands. "And the townsfolk don't even know they're in danger!  I can't explain it to them without breaking the law—and even if I could tell them about the skogsfru, what could they do?  Human police wouldn't stand a chance!" "Do you want me to call the Íþróttaálfur Council, Sportacus?  Perhaps they can send help." He slowly shook his head. "The infighting about land ownership has gotten terrible, what with so much human expansion in recent years.  The skogsfru claimed she used to own this whole area—they're more likely to side with her than with Lazytown." "Are you sure that this skogsfru is wrong in claiming the land?" "I don't know—I don't care!" Sportacus stood and started doing jumping jacks, too agitated to stay still. "It's about more than just the land, I think.  She was saying awful things about humans—she hurt one of the kids!  If it weren't for Robbie..." He came to a dead halt. "Robbie!" "Sportacus, are you referring to Robbie Rotten?" "Yes!" With his eyes squeezed shut, the elf tried to visualize the scene from earlier, hoping to recall any hints that were present. "It was after the skogsfru left.  There was a cloud of mist, and then all of a sudden, Robbie was in front of me—but just for a second!  And when he disappeared, he took Stingy with him!" Sportacus's eyes snapped opened. "I think...I think Robbie is a huldrekall." A heavy silence fell, and dragged on for several minutes.  Finally, the ship's AI piped up. "That is plausible." "I have to talk to him!  Maybe he can help!" "That is less plausible.  Sportacus, Robbie Rotten is a self-proclaimed villain." Sportacus stared harshly into the camera "eye" of his airship. "Robbie saved Stingy today—I don't understand exactly how, but he did.  I know that he's a good person at heart." He waited, but no reply came.  Sportacus sighed. "Ship, bed.  Wake me if you sense movement from the forest, or if you see Robbie Rotten." Sportacus laid himself down, but with his thoughts in turmoil, it would be several more hours until he managed to fall asleep. Far below the airship, Robbie stomped back and forth through his lair. "What the HELL was I thinking?!  I let the blue elf see me do magic!" As the echo of his shouts faded, he finally slumped in his recliner. "The ELF.  The one in a council with other flipping kangaroos who don't like huldufólk messing around with humans.  Though of course, it's FINE for elves to interfere, and make kids be healthy and active and LOUD!" Robbie stuck out his lower lip, pouting.  After a moment, his expression became fearful. "What if he starts thinking I'm a real threat now?  No, no, he's never taken me seriously before." He chewed nervously on his thumb, muffling his words. "But he knows I can do magic.  And I stopped him from doing...whatever he was doing to that kid.  God, he actually hurt one of the kids!  He'll have no problem killing ME!" Whimpering, Robbie rolled over and buried his face into the chair's orange fur.  The villain stayed in that uncomfortable position for nearly an hour, trying desperately to get his anxiety under control.  He finally managed to slow his breathing, and curled his long, lean body into a more comfortable position on the recliner. "I'll just have to stay undercover.  He doesn't know where my lair is, so maybe I can stay safe long enough for him to give up...maybe." With that, Robbie began to succumb to his exhaustion, but before he fell asleep, he let out one more miserable mutter. "And I was starting to like him, too." \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ The elven crystal blared, and Sportacus awoke with a start.  He was drenched in his own cold sweat, and his mind echoed with fragments of his nightmares.  Worse, the whole airship reeked with an unpleasant earthy oder.  Sportacus got out of bed shakily. "Ship, time?" "It is 4:36, Sportacus.  I have sensed no movement from the forest." "Well, you missed something!" The hero snatched up his crystal and rushed to the trapdoor of the airship, nearly forgetting to grab his signature blue hat.  Once he hit the ground, Sportacus shoved the hat over his pointed ears and began a mad dash to Pixel's house. Finally, the elf skittered to a stop in front of the door, breathing hard.  He rattled the knob frantically, but it locked.  Sportacus nearly screamed in frustration, but managed to take a deep breath and started pounding on the door. "Sportacus?!" "Pixel!  Are you ok?" The boy leaned farther out of his bedroom window and squinted at Sportacus. "Um, yeah, I'm fine.  Is something wrong?" "I don't know, my crystal went off!" He held up the flashing object so Pixel could see.  The boy winced at the bright light. "Hang on, I'll open the door for you." The moment Pixel pulled his head back into his room, the crystal's flashing grew brighter, and it began beeping again. "NO!" Pixel's face reappeared in the window. "What?  Why?" "Just stay there, Pixel!  Don't move!" Sportacus scanned the yard frantically, and noticed a rake on the ground.  He seized it and threw it toward Pixel's window.  The angled prongs caught the edge of the frame, causing the handle to hang below.  With a running start, Sportacus managed to leap high enough to grasp the handle; using his upper body strength, he began pulling his body up the handle.  The action dislodged the rake, and it hit to the ground just as Sportacus managed to grab the window frame and pull himself up into the room. "Do you have a flashlight?" Pixel's mouth was hanging open, but he had enough presence of mind to snatch his wristwatch off of the nightstand and switch on the attached LED penlight.  Wordlessly, Sportacus took the watch and shone the light over the bedroom floor. Shards of glass covered every inch. Shaking slightly, Pixel clutched at the hero's forearm and pulled it so that the light in his hand was directed toward the desk. "My computers!" Sure enough, not a single monitor had a screen.  Pixel just stared for a solid minute at the destruction.  When he finally spoke, he was tripping over the words. "H-how could this happen?  I mean, what shattered them—all of them at once!  And it didn't wake me up?!" The boy wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth on bed, in shock from the damage to his refuge.  Sportacus forced himself to look away from the hazard on the floor; he had a child to attend to. "Pixel, I'm wearing shoes.  Is it ok if I pick you up and carry you over the floor?" It took him a moment to respond, but he managed a nod.  Sportacus gently wrapped his arms around the boy and lifted him off the bed.  In just three long strides, the elf crossed the room and after checking for glass, carefully set Pixel down in the doorway. "Can you wake your parents and tell them what's wrong with your room?  I really need to go check on the others." His short legs trembling, Pixel ran down the dark hallway.  Once Sportacus was sure the adults of the house were awake, he dashed out of the house and into town. A/N: Quick definitions of the folkloric terms used in this chapter Skogsfru—female forest spirit Íþróttaálfur—sports elf, a general species name (Íþróttaálfurinn is a specific designation) Hulderkall—a male member of the huldufólk (a female is called a huldra)

[nellpire]

[120608] Nell - Found Magazine Interview (translation)

Q: I heard that you started up this band as four same-age friends from the same neighborhood. Jaekyung: We all went to the same school and were neighborhood friends. Jongwan had just started a band with some older friends of his, and I had already started playing guitar so we talked a lot about music when we met. Then, Jongwan replaced his band members with close friends. That was around September or October 1998. Jongwan: The members were all older than me, and we only did one performance before I felt that it wasn't right. I waited for a week and talked to Jaekyung, then waited another week and talked to the others. And so the members changed. The bass player was the scariest, so it took two weeks to change him for Junghoon (laughter). Junghoon must have been added around January 1999.

Q: Where did you hold your first performance? Jaekyung: We did it in a performance hall close to Hongdae called 'Freebird' one month before our high school graduation.

Q: You must have auditioned, I take it? And your first performance can't have taken place on a weekend. Jongwan: It was on a Tuesday. (laughter) Jaekyung: They didn't arrange performances on Tuesdays originally. The first performance of the week was always on Wednesdays. I don't know if the president liked us or something, but they arranged for us to play on the Tuesday. There was not a single person there to watch us. We had fun drinking beer while performing for ourselves only.

Q: How long did it take you to go from a 'Tuesday band' to a 'weekend band'? Jongwan: I think it took about a year.

Q: Did you perform mostly cover songs? Jongwan: No. They were almost all original songs. And maybe that's why people didn't like us. Because we were kids they'd never seen, playing songs they'd never heard. As far as I remember, most of the bands who played in the clubs at that time performed mostly cover songs. People told us to add some covers to our setlists, but since we found that boring...

Q: Who wrote the songs? Jaekyung: They were Jongwan's songs.

Q: Did the other members like those songs? Jaekyung: Of course.

Q: There are times when certain members of the band don't share the same taste as the songwriter of the team. Jaewon: We matched really well from the get-go. Jongwan: I didn't match at all with the old band members. They interpreted things differently from how I imagined it. But with these friends, we had already known each other from before, and as we talked over drinks we realized that our tastes were very similar. I think that's why the writing process was so much easier for the four of us.

Q: Back when you performed in those clubs, I bet you could never have imagined that you'd still be with those same members in your thirties. Jaekyung: Just making music with friends who we matched with musically in itself was so much fun. And it was fun to go all the way to Hongdae and perform in front of strangers. All of it was very stimulating. I think we just enjoyed every moment without thinking so much about the future. It's the same now, really. Jongwan: We don't use references when we make albums or prepare for concerts, since we don't receive influences from just one side. It's not like we've only heard one or two songs in our lives until now. Nell's music comes out of the influence all of those things have on us, and the mixture of our own individual emotions and ideas. So I think we've never really said 'let's do this', or 'let's do it this way'. Since we have this way of me writing the songs and then working on them all together, we've never really needed a lot of words. From the very beginning all the way until now.

Q: You released two indie albums, but refer to your first major album as your first album. What is the reason for doing this? Jongwan: That's something that just came naturally to us. Looking at foreign bands we know, there are many cases where they've released indie albums prior to their major debut albums. Rather than assigning any type of great meaning to it, we just did what we had seen and learned. Some people may find that weird, but I think that's just because people don't do it that way often in Korea. There also weren't a lot of bands who went from indie to major at that time.

Q: What were some changes you went through as you went from indie to major? Jaekyung: I think our basic mindset was always the same. But since we suddenly had a lot of staff members, there were some changes. There were times in the past when we went up on stage and decided to change the setlist as we went, or jammed for a while before leaving the stage, but now since there were many members of staff there were things we had to keep in mind. We couldn't just do what we wanted anymore. We thought a lot about things like that.

Q: You released your first and second album under Seo Taiji company, then as you switched record companies again, there seemed to be a change from your third album on, musically speaking. Jaekyung: Honestly, the musical change has no correlation to us changing record labels at all. It happens that way a lot so people might think it was the same for us, but we simply chose a label that was comfortable for us.

Q: Noticeably, the guitar sound got a lot weaker and you started using a lot of electronic sounds. Also, in the past, your straight-forward lyrics gave the feeling that you were letting something out, but they also became more indirect. Jongwan: Personally, I think our first and second albums are more mainstream than the rest. 'Stay' and 'Thank you' were, too. Seeing the overall feeling, I think the music we used to make was a lot easier to understand. Jaekyung: Our music would probably have changed in the same direction even if we stayed in the same company. Jongwan: Our third and fourth albums came out when we were twentyfive, twentysix, twentyseven years old. I think that was honestly the most worrisome time of our twenties. We weren't children, but we weren't adults either. It's not an age where you're mature enough to take responsibility for everything perfectly, but it's also not an age where you can be fussy and picky like a child. Because of that, I feel like that was the time of our lives when we thought and wondered the most. Looking back, I think all the members went through individual struggles and had hard times back then. Now that we're thirty three and looking back, those things weren't really that difficult, but small things came at us one by one, and it was hard to endure that. I think that's what it was. So that's likely why our music changed like it did.

Q: I suppose you know what the other person is thinking just by seeing each others’ faces by now? Jongwan: We're the type not to censor anything when we express our opinions. If people don’t know our personalities and judge from our music, they might think we'd talk very carefully, but we're very straight-forward. And if we’re not feeling the song we’re working on, we know it without really saying anything.

Q: I really feel like you work very hard on your songs, down to the subtlest little detail. Jongwan: Music itself has a story or an image, and the songs come out of the feel or textures, for example, that our members individually think are important. Under the premise that 'music is the most important', I don't think any part of it is more important than another. When I first write a song, and when we work together on arranging it, I think there is an original meaning to each song that needs to be kept intact. We try our hardest to realize that image perfectly.

Q: What do you do with songs where you lose your way halfway through? Jongwan: We don't work on songs like that anymore. We just give up on them. Jaekyung: I think what we feel is the most important. We work to make the sound give off a good feeling. Say, if the sound is not good but it creates a good feeling, I think we're likely to stick with it regardless. Even if the sound isn't great, there still unique things you can express through it

Q: I suppose you're the type to spend a lot of time and effort on each and every song? Jongwan: I think it comes from our selfishness. If there's something we don't do and just brush past, even if others don't notice it, we do. Once we've put the album out there, we can't edit it anymore, you know. I think we work so hard because we hate that. We all have our parts to think about, so if we just brush past something we end up regretting it. We really hate that. No matter how hard we try, we're always left with some regrets.

Q: Slip Away is your first album in four years. I heard you selected the tracklist from one hundred songs. Jongwan: We're not the style to churn out a bunch of songs when we're making an album. Songs piled up since we were away for a long time.

Q: Since you release a lot of music, don't you fall into a rut when writing songs? Jongwan: Since we don't receive songs from other people but just write among the four of us, there are many times when songs end up sounding similar. If they have the same feel as an old song or a previous album, we end up scrapping it even if the song itself is good.

Q: Have there been times when your confidence has wavered or you've fallen into a slump? Jongwan: Not just musicians, but everyone working in the arts probably feel the same, but honestly, every moment is a slump. There are many times when you run into a wall of wanting to do better than yesterday. But that's something you have to deal with day by day. So I try not to accept it as a particular slump. I just get too miserable if I do. When I was younger, I used to get very upset if our songs came out sounding too similar to one another, but now I think I've learned to think of it as just another part of the songwriting process. Just getting upset doesn't do any good. You just have to work harder, that's the only way.

Q: Out of the many ways to communicating with your fans through music, such as writing songs, playing together, doing concerts etc, which one would you pick as the reason you are a musician? Jongwan: We talk about that sometimes ourselves. A few days ago, Jaekyung asked what we would choose; the stage or the studio? For me, if I really have to choose one, it would be the studio. Jaekyung: Me too. Live performances pass quickly, but if you go into the studio, it's under the premise of releasing a new album, which will remain even when you die. We are the happiest when we make a good song, since that's putting out thoughts that never existed in this world before. Jongwan: The memory of going into the studio to record Reflection Of is still really clear to me. That feeling is still the same when we go into the studio now, twelve years later. The moment when we've finished recording and mixing, and we're sitting there smoking and listening through the new songs together. When we're sharing words like "it came out well", "let's use it", "it's good", and "you've worked hard", that’s the happiest moment for me as a musician.

Q: From the perspective of your fans, who have watched you working like this for a long time, they must really look forward to your progressive albums every time. Jaekyung: We're the first to have those expectations. We always need to be more satisfied with the new album than the older ones. We think there's no point in releasing the album otherwise.

Q: Do you feel like you've continuously improved since your first album? Jaekyung: I think so. That's why we've continued to release albums. I think we're confident. We throw away the things we're not pleased with, instead of thinking that if we're lucky, people might still like it. Jongwan: Music comes down to personal taste. We're honestly not satisfied with 100% of any of our albums. Because if there is perfect music like that, then no other music needs to exist in this world. We've never felt burdened by what our fans or critics say. Instead, we think among ourselves "shouldn't we do a bit better than this?" We fight with ourselves.

Q: When you're making a new album, doesn't the stress make you feel more sensitive? Jaekyung: Of course it does. But we know the joy that comes once we endure all of that. Jongwan: It's been a long time, so we know each other well. When we feel "this is not the right atmosphere for this", we understand and try to change it.

Q: Did you arrange the tracklist on your fifth album for the sake of the narrative flow? Jongwan: I wrote the songs over the span of four years, but by chance, I wrote a lot of them during a specific part of those four years. I used my own stories in the songs, and you know, everyone changes as time goes by, as do their feelings, state of mind, and everything else. So that's why I think that flow exists. The process of change got captured. That time comes to mind when I listen to this album. "That's what it was like back then..."

Q: I don't understand how you can express love and seperation like you do in your lyrics. Jongwan: I think it's a question of your personality. When you're in a relationship, of course you meet because it's nice, but I always there’s there’s an end to everything. You don't see the end from the beginning, but at some point you start seeing it. It's a question of personality. Because I have those thoughts during my relationships, my lyrics turn out like that.

Q: Do the other members feel the same? Junghoon: I think everything has some type of end.

Q: What about the married people? Jaewon: It's already over for me. Jongwan: Jaewon has put an end to all that stuff. (laughter)

Q: You must have been dying to get back on the stage during your four year hiatus. Jongwan: I missed it a lot. We were honestly very worn out in 2008. From our final exams in high school until our mid twenties, we didn't rest even once. Usually it took us six months to prepare for albums, and once they were out we were always busy preparing for concerts. It got to the point where I thought "I'd like to do something that isn't music" for the first time. I was extremely worn out, but as I rested for four years, I realized that this is what I really want to do, and that it was actually really good back then. It was difficult physically, and mentally I was stressed out, but I realized that even so, that was a really joyful pain. I realized once again how precious music and songwriting is to us.

Q: When did you start preparing for your fifth album? Jongwan: Last year (2011) around July or August.

Q: And when was it finished? Jongwan: Just before it came out.

Q: You said that you 'relaxed' a lot with this album. In what sense did you relax? Jongwan: I felt like there is a lot of excitative music these days. You hear it whether you walk down the street or turn the radio on. Our overall feeling is not a noisy one, so I thought we should try for a calmer approach. To put it simply, we've become calmer sound-wise, and as for the content, we held back a little even during the parts we could have screamed out. And since the sound is not that straight-forward, there was no need for the lyrics to be either. I feel like our personalities have changed in that sense.

Q: You did the string section and mastering in Avatar Studios, New York and the Metropolis Studios in London. Was there a particular reason why you wanted to do it overseas? Jaekyung: It's not that we thought we needed to go abroad and spend a bunch of money in order for it to sound good, but we did it because that's where we could find the kind of sound and musicians that we wanted. Jongwan: Writing string music is hard in itself, and since we can't play the cello or the violin, we needed the help of somebody. The strings we had recorded in Korea before weren't satisfactory to us. We went to New York to meet with the musicians we had heard on other albums before and thought "the strings sound really good here". They're very busy, so we left for New York once they had cleared their schedules to meet us.

Q: Did the members contact them directly? Jongwan: Yes. Initially, we did.

Q: Did your label offer you what you wanted? Jongwan: Yes. They were more than willing to let us do it, so it was really nice.

Q: There must be bands who know that engineering is good overseas but can't go for various reasons. Jongwan: You have to be convincing. I think Korean musicians need to work on connections. It's true that Korean studios are still less equipped than in certain other countries. Korean musicians also need to explain why we need certain things and how important they are. That's why we usually talk a lot to our label.

Q: How do you feel about the promotion that follows your album releases?  Jongwan: It's our job to make sure people know about our album once it's out. It's easier because our label supports us and helps us make that happen. It's important for us to cooperate with the staff that help us with this.

Q: What's the biggest change you've noticed while doing activities again after such a long time? Jongwan: Mostly that our age difference with other teams got bigger. (laughter)

Q: Did the mainstream change a lot? Jongwan: The mainstream is always changing, so.

Q: Nell's fans don't seem to. The tickets to your two-day comeback concerts sold out at once. Jongwan: We're so thankful to the fans. It's awkward, so we don't say it a lot, but in our hearts we're always thankful to our fans for making us feel so blessed.

Q: The album market has become more focused on digital sales while you were gone. Jongwan: We buy albums by musicians we like, and for me it's because I respect them. Honestly, if our albums only sell digitally, that's fine by us. Music isn't made with the purpose of being sold, anyway. I think that's what’s most important. So we don't agonize over it. It's our job to make our music known, so we don't blame the market. We wish other musicians wouldn't moan about that either. It's not restricted to just bands. If the album market dies and the CD market disappears, that effects ballad and dance music singers as well. We're a band so we need to sell albums, but I really hate hearing this. Bands need to have a greater sense of pride for being a band. There are things you can only do as a band, things you can only feel as a band. Standing on stage with your members and feeling like you've all become one person is only possible for a band. I think you should take energy from that and be proud.

Q: I feel like the members' view on life has matured through this fifth album's objective and calm feeling. Jongwan: It happens as time goes by, I'm not sure what caused it but there's got to be something. I think I've realized that some things don't work even if you try, there are some things you just have to accept. There are things you can't hold onto by yourself. When I was younger, I always thought I could. I’m not necessarily talking about a woman. It could be dreams, or passion. I think it came out a lot in my lyrics.

Q: Were things more beautiful when you thought you could hold onto them? Jongwan: There are things like that. It's not so much that it was good back then, but in a way, that was also passion of a kind. Passion in relationships. Something I hate losing. And in a way, some things are only possible when you're immature. Our energy in music has only gotten stronger, but honestly I think my passion for relationships has subsided. But that can't be helped.

Q: Isn't the realization of that in itself just so sad? Jongwan: There are many things to be gained from it as well. Should I say the scale of your thoughts can widen? I feel like we spend more time thinking, and our space gets bigger. Rather than saying that this feeling is hard to deal with, I think it's better to accept it and think about what you should do from now on. Since I had enough of hard times... I've felt enough of that.

Q: Do you think there's a prejudice that Nell only make love songs? Jongwan: There's honestly many songs about love on this album. I have a tendency to personify everything (in my lyrics) so I think people think of them as love songs because of that. On our past albums there were many songs that weren't about love.

Q: What kind of things do you personify (in your lyrics)? Jongwan: Things like dreams, trust and passion. For example, if I say "I don't want you to leave me", there's a chance that the 'you' is not a woman. There are times when dreams or passion that you've had starts disappearing, and that's often a very difficult time. There are times when I talk about an actual person too, or times when I refer to my trust towards that person as ‘you’. Sometimes music is that 'you', too. People think of 'Stay' as a love song, but for me, the 'you' in that song is not a woman. But there's no need for me to say that. I don't want to push my feelings onto the listener and cause a disturbance in what they hear. But when I sing that song on stage, I don't think about love.

Q: Is there a song on your fifth album that might sound like a lovesong but is actually not? Jongwan: Hopeless Valentine is like that. It might sound like it's about love since I used the word 'Valentine', but it's a story about people, not a woman. There are times when my friends, or people in general try to help me, but even though I'm thankful it doesn't help me. There's a difference between what you want and what you need. It's a story about those things.

Q: Is music the same to Nell as it was when you first started out? Jongwan: It has taken on a bigger meaning. We used to do it just because it was fun and we liked it, but at some point music started making me more like myself, since it allows me to express myself honestly. So I don't want to miss out, and I want to work harder. Like I said I like to personify things, and music too is like a person to me. So I want to treat them (music) well and do my best.

Q: If you don't treat them well, will they leave? Jongwan: I think so. Unless my luck is really good, or I'm really good at acting like nothing is wrong and I just plow through, I don’t think they will stay if I don’t do my best. I think that if I want to do music, I have to work really hard, these days.

Q: You're living your life through music with your friends. What kind of thoughts come to mind when you look at your members? Jongwan: It still feels new. Sometimes when we're working on the bass for one of our songs, suddenly I get this whole new feeling and I think "Junghoon has this side to him, too?" We've been doing this for a long time, but I still feel that way a lot when we play or write music together. And sometimes I get emotional when I see old pictures of them. "Ah! They were that young once, too?" (laughter)

Q: Do you feel a sense of responsibility on the music scene as a senior? Jaekyung: It feels good to hear that. Isn't selfishly wanting our team to do well a form of responsibility? Honestly, in our case we don't have any predecessors, so it's a pity. I've often thought that it'd be nice if we had many senior rock bands who went ahead and paved the way for the rest of us without rest. Jongwan: If other bands have a hard time or get depressed and think "is it even possible to make it as a band in this country?", and they think "there's always Nell", that would make us so happy. All we want is to be able to influence people in that way. We don't want people to look at us and think "they went on for so long but stayed on this level?" and feel disheartened.

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