#I wanted so bad to use it daily like old times but meh;;

[punchymon]

sloppy doodles!

[robustcornhusk]

curious if you have more Opinions on heel-to-toe drop. I've noticed that my ankle mobility is worse after wearing higher-drop shoes and this has me biased against them. but I also do not want to fuck up my everything

again, i'm speaking with all the authority of a 14-year-old who has tried weed like three times, and one of those times may have been oregano:

context: what's higher-drop for you? daily, running, or other athletic endeavors?

caveats/personal experience: i have usually worn 8mm drop shoes (or gone barefoot) for daily shit, 4mm-8mm for running. as far as i can tell, i'm not heelstriking even in the 8mm shoes (but people are notoriously bad at actually knowing what's going on there! possibly i heelstrike. too lazy to record it). i have fantastic ankle mobility in some directions (plantar flexion), and kinda meh in others (dorsiflexion), though not to the extent that it causes me a problem.

i have a bunch of injuries atm, but the pt i'm seeing thinks it looks like it's my hip mobility that's causing it (too much of it, uncontrolled).

some assorted considerations/thoughts/etc for high/low drop in running shoes in particular...

broadly speaking, with lower drops, forces on the foot and ankle get emphasized, and with higher drops, on the knees and hips. it's a spectrum. your everything is affected by every shoe. the forces have to go somewhere.

supposedly, when measured, the injury rate is more or less the same for all kinds of running shoes with respect to drop, it's just that people get injured in different places.

most current shoes are going to be 4mm-8mm. as i understand, just a few years ago, there were oodles at 12mm, but it's dwindled down, and now it's just like one brooks shoe and one mizuno? there's a few more at 10mm.

the current trend is high-stack shoes (let's say 30mm+), and high-stack doesn't play very nicely with high-drop (let's say 8mm+ but it's not a firm border). i'm not totally sure on the reason; it's to do with everything getting unstable when they're both high.

in the other direction, higher stack can encourage being fast, for (handwave) reasons?, so race-day & speed workout shoes sometimes stay up at 8mm. or 6mm. or whatever. track shoes have undefined stack but i guess if we tried to define it, it would be very, very high. (tbf track sprinters apparently have astoundingly high rates of injury-per-mile, but they put so much force into each of those miles.)

very very minimalist shoes (0-4mm drop, low stack like <15mm including the sock liner) exist. they can be kinda rough to run in. i used to run in them! i also ended up injured. they will work some foot muscles that get worked less in non-minimalist shoes, but to some degree it's kinda at the expense of getting better in a straightforward way at running. possibly the majority of these benefits can come from just walking in the minimalist shoes; also possibly the same/at least highly overlapping proprioceptive & and weird foot muscle benefits can come from trail running (uneven surfaces). on the bright side, they're fairly decent to lift in.

if you're running but only a little bit (pulled out of my ass: <<10 miles a week, <2 miles each, like as a warmup or whatever for something else), you can try whatever you want to try as long as it's comfortable. if you're running more than that, you can also do whatever you want, as long as it's comfortable, but probably fewer things will be comfortable.

"as long as it's comfortable" is really the important part there. like, this is the best, most-supported scientific shoe-picking-out process we have. if it's comfortable, then you're less likely to get injured (tendonitis etc).

idk if any of this was relevant or if i totally misread it. but. shoes! i can look up any of the relevant papers but i am being hassled atm by a cat.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi i just need to put this into words and possibly get an outside perspective that isnt from my friends and such

I dont know if i can call what i went through as a teen neglect.

This is pretty long sorry, just skip to the end if necessary

TW: Alcoholism, Neglect? Sorry if i missed anything

To explain fully, i was taken out of school in 7th grade due to mental health issues and one very abusive and ableist teacher. That left me alone at home for 80% of the week, which was fine i had plenty of food and such to eat and i preferred being alone to recover from everything. I never went back even once i was "recovered"

But then when i was about 16, my mother's mental took a nosedive. She started having hospital level panic attacks. It wasnt that bad at first, cuz despite everything i still atleast had food and such for when she had to spent a day or maybe two at the hospital, which was rare. I could survive on my own with the limited help i got.

It sucked, my quality of life went from "meh could be better" to "okay uh we're surviving in decent comfort atleast?" In the span of a few months. But it wasnt the worse

Then the new year rolled over and it became worse. My mother took up drinking to cope and that spiralled fast

To the point her hospital visits became weekly almost daily, my life went from "okay i can life like this but i rather not" to "haha, im gonna end up in the hospital too-" in less then a month

I basically lived with my grandmother for a month and, she barely had any food there because they always went out to eat, food wasnt allow upstairs unless you were sick, beds felt worse then wood floors, and she didnt respect my issues

I was pushed aside, i didnt eat more then a mini bag of chips most nights because the only things to eat where expired, take out from places i didnt like, or things i literally cant eat either cuz textures or allergies.

When everything went back to almost normal, there was barely any food at home, i slept in my mother's closet because my old stalker tried breaking into my room while we were gone (also bugs overtook my room because the window was jammed for the rest of the time before we came home because of that) and my mother didnt want us to share her huge bed because i apparently violently slapped and kicked her awake till 3am when we tried (i didnt go to bed till 5am the one week when we tried, and she always woke up at 6am for her meds and such especially during this also we both slept on the very edges)

My mother would sleep all day, only waking up to take her meds and eat and stuff.

Dinner went from a "happens most of the week" thing to "you'll be luckly if you found a warm thing to make and eat"

Basically, i kinda starved often till things calmed down later in the year. I think a broke college student ate and slept better then me that year.

When i was 18 it happened again but i had a job so it wasnt as bad.

I dont blame her for like 40% of that hell, her and my father where going through the 5th messiest divorce of our closeish family has witnessed (tho it was actually kinda tame compared to the top 4 so idk the actual severity), and her mental health was already on decline for reasons that are not mine to tell

But like can i call what happened neglect?? It sounds like it but idk i actually can call it that.

Like yeah i starved most of my time as a 17 year old, slept in a cramped closet during said time, developed back issues cuz of that, was barely able to care for myself due to depression, was subjected to to smell of weed and the smoke from it often despite the fact it makes me extremely sick, was very suicidal, was told i was a burden and was making the situation worse cuz im autistic and was basically the new family afterthought

But like, does it really qualify as neglect and can i call it that if it is? Most adults i talked to at the time, even my old therapist said no because i was "17 and should already know how to care for myself on my own. And shouldnt take the words said in a probably drunken state to heart" but like there no way i could care for myself?? Atleast not without taking less then ideal options. Also that doesnt excuse the extremely hateful things yelled at me???

So im really conflicted here, was it neglect or am i just being overdramatic??? Every therapist ive been able to go to says im just being dramatic but my friends says im not so ????

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You can most certainly call these experiences neglect if that is a term you would like to use.

Neglect by definition is to fail to care for properly, and by legal definition it's "the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility, for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to." Not only were you not provided sufficient food, but it seems likely that your emotional needs may not have been taken care of either, with an unavailable mother and a disrespectful grandmother. It also sounds like you were not given adequate shelter and medical care, considering where you slept, the bug infestation, and how that affected your development. So yes, in many ways, your experience aligns with neglect.

I think it's important to remember that it's common for trauma survivors to feel like they're being dramatic when they validate the severity of their trauma, and that it makes sense to be in some level of disbelief that it's worse than you initially thought. Please know that you are valid as a trauma survivor, and remember to be patient and gentile with yourself as you explore what this means for you.

Ultimately, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, especially one who specialized in trauma, can mediate your healing journey and help you find ways to make sense of, process, and cope with your experiences.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[jadorelesradis]

So, I’ve been comparing the “will to live” scale to the “will to die” scale and it’s not great but could be worse?

So, I’m not hugely motivated to live and go through all it entails (good or bad) but at the same time I don’t think I’m suicidal either?

The thing is a good way to evaluate suicide ideation is whether you have a plan. And I do have a plan. Except it’s my old plan from last time I really felt suicidal and I can’t just unlearn it. (do note it’s an ‘evolved’ version of past attempts and I’m pretty sure it’s fool proof so I’m not posting it on the internet for someone else to feel inspired. It’s supposed to kill me, not other people.)

Another one basically is “are you plagued by suicidal thoughts?”. I’ll admit it’s a recurring thing but again, it’s not as bad as previous times.

The actual thing I want is to be dying, I think. For one, I would die but not in a way I could be held responsible for. Not my fault for being sick, right?

Two, it would be a tangible kind of pain, the kind that people can’t deny because “it’s all in my head”, the kind that crystallizes all my problems. It’s super awful to wish for cancer knowing full well how bad it is and how lives it wrecks daily, but a tumour would fit that bill perfectly.

What would work most of all is an expiry date. I could cash out my savings and have a good time with no pressure of being a reasonable adult. Not that I’m dreaming of anything crazy. The current bucket list involves travelling (NZ and Egypt being top of the list), seeing my family (they are all over the place, I can’t drive, it’s always a hassle to visit them), and spending as much time by the sea as I can (I’ll take the cat too, wonder if he’ll enjoy or hate the sand?).

Sounds like nice reasons to live? I find it fucking depressing that I have to suffer year round for a few weeks of respite here and there. I’m off work on sick leave with no wages or social security complement (because I’ve maxed out on it??) so often that I barely get days off and obviously I can hardly afford to live without tapping into my savings which is a stressful business (and so I get worse and I have to go on sick leave and it gets worse and so on, and I’d like to sue the government for its social security policy that makes no sense).

D’ailleurs on en parle de l’expression “gagner sa vie” ? Y a rien à gagner, c’est ma vie, j’en fais ce que je veux (y compris y mettre un terme) et j’ai pas à vendre mes services pour juste exister. A mort le capitalisme.

With an estimation of when I’ll kick the proverbial bucket, I could plan and budget the aforementioned list. Because I’m a control freak and what I really can’t bear is not knowing stuff and inconsistency.

Now, I know what my shrink would say. Something along the lines of “you can’t have the good stuff without the bad stuff” and “idealising a life outside the system can only lead to disappointment”. Well, he wouldn’t say it because he’s not really helpful these days, so if anyone’s got a psychotherapist recommendation in Paris, I’m interested.

And see, all I do is try to get better. I take the meds (a ridiculous amount of them), I go to therapy, even support groups for families of alcoholics because I’m that thorough, I don’t exercise much but I do physical therapy twice a week and eat better (~ish, I cook a lot and cut down sugar and butter in cake recipes, so I consider it healthy), and speaking of cooking, I do loads of hobbies instead of vegetating in front of the TV or doom scrolling on tumblr dot com and other social media websites.

I physically cannot do more, I’m using all the tools available to me, following all the advice I can follow. It is less and less worth it, regardless of how comfortable my life is. I’m not settling for meh. I am losing my patience so if cancer or whatever terminal disease won’t happen, I will end up taking the matter in my own hands, if only because up to 60% of bipolar patients attempt suicide once (with around 15% resulting in death) and 35% of patients will die of suicide on their third attempt (I’ve actually survived my third attempt, and again my life has been too meh ever since to justify not trying again at some point).

So yeah, I’m taking the passive approach to suicide at the moment, it’s not good but I’m forcing myself to go back to work for money reasons, and also omitting some of the stuff I’ve written here to my psychiatrist so he won’t send my ass back to hospital. I hate everything.

[msookyspooky]

Terrible Trilogy

Part 1: Intro

wordcount: 1,700

"Here girl, let's get you some dinner for the night." You muttered as you bent down to get a dog bowl. Your golden retriever wagged her tail up at you as you poured some kibble in and sat it down, rubbing her side. "Good puppy." You praised as you walked to your front door. Going over every lock you installed to make sure it was triple locked.

You went to go to the back door before you heard sizzling and smelled burning on the stove. "Crap!" You rushed over as your spaghetti water boiled onto the burner. Searching for pot holders in your drawer as the phone rang. You groaned loudly as your dog just munched away while watching you run around.

You burnt your finger on the hot water as you moved it and it sloshed. Shoving it onto the counter before cursing and putting your finger in your mouth. The phone continued ringing as you rolled your eyes and rushed over to it.

"What is it?" You were short, not even looking at the receiver.

"...Not even a hello?"

You paused for a moment, looking at the caller ID. You gave a huff and rolled your eyes. "For you? I think you'll live." You put your finger in your mouth again, trying to stop the burning at your fingertip.

"Jeez, so polite, so warm, so filled with charisma. What if I was a job interview replying or some little old lady selling bibles?"

You smiled to yourself. "At 7 o'clock at night?... Besides, I only talk to you or my parents anyways."

"So, you talk to your parents with that mouth?"

The answer was 'no' and you'd be apologizing right now and explaining the situation. However, you couldn't help yourself.

"I do a lot of things with this mouth." You gave in a flirty voice, purposely laying it on thick in a cringy way as you leaned against the counter in your pajamas.

He made a gagging noise before chuckling playing along. "Ooh. I didn't know it was that type of phone call. What kind of things?"

"For free?"

"Put it on my tab."

You laughed and shook your head. " Verbally assaulting you, for one. Did you need something Randy?"

"Nope. Just getting my daily masochistic fantasies outta the way. Degrade me, Mistress." He growled in a husky voice on the other line.

You choked with an outraged laugh, trying not to scream at how much that cut you off guard. "God, shut up! The hell is wrong with you?!"

You heard him give an impish chuckle on the other line. "Alright, alright. You know I'm too sensitive for that. I'll be thinking about it for week and get a complex."

You shook your head in amusement as he continued.

"Just checking in. How's my favorite hermit doing today?"

"She's doing good. Me and Cherri went for a walk...How's life?"

"Meh. Working at that video game store as usual. I swear, the amount of people picking to play Tomb Raider over Resident Evil is alarming."

"Aw, you don't like Ms Croft?"

"Overhyped."

"Miss horror movies at the video store?"

He sighed. "Kind of…"

"Ya know, you could use your degree to get into film."

"Trying. I'm working on an application on a horror set...Don't freak out."

You sighed. "It's Stab 3, isn't it?"

"Yeeeaaahhh…If you don't want me to take it-"

"Ray, I'm your friend, not your keeper. Go for it! It could be the start of a really great opportunity! Besides, my character isn't in it anymore. They had her move or something. "  You rolled your lips and sighed. "So...How's physical therapy?-"

He groaned in annoyance on the other line. "YN, you don't have to ask how the disability is going every time we talk."

You sighed softly and nodded. "I'm sorry. I just know you've been really trying."

He was quiet a moment before sighing. "I'm fine. I can walk, I can even run now. First time a few days ago, actually."

You smiled. "Really? That's great, Randy. I'm proud of you."

"Yeah, just 3 years of physical therapy later."

"God, you say that like it's a bad thing! You were stabbed 14 times. You were on life support and in a coma for two weeks. Be lucky you can walk at all. Being able to run, even just a short distance, is a major accomplishment."

You could tell he was smiling on the other end. "...Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Well, fucking act like it!"

"Oh yeah, yell at me some more Mistress-"

You glared at the wall. "I'm gonna hang up on you."

"Urgh, fine. Safeword is Cantaloupe….Cantaloupe."

"You're awful flirty for a man that has a date this weekend."

"You know you're my main woman."

You released a bark of laughter. "Ha! I thought that was your mom?"

"Bite me."

"I thought we said Cantaloupe?"

Randy sighed heavily on the other line and you smirked. Checkmate.

"YN, serious talk now…I mean, I guess I'm a little nervous for the date. The last one was weird."

"You're weird."

"Uh, no. I'm 'can tell you every horror movie plot twist made' weird. She was 'I keep dolls in my purse that I named after people and punish them' weird."

"Oh...Yikes."

"Yeah...It took me forever to even take the risk of a date after…Everything that happened to us."

You sighed and leaned against the counter. "Yeah, I know what you mean…"

Randy was quiet a moment before saying it. "Look...I know Windsor was a shitshow."

"Ah, ah! Nooooo. You wanna complain about therapy but you bring that up?" You warned.

"Well, I think it does need to be said. I know you felt betrayed by new friends and Derek didn't work out...But it's been 3 years. "

You rolled your eyes, as if you didn't hear this enough from everyone else.

"I mean, I refuse to go near vehicles now and I follow the rules every single day! I was a hermit just like you until the last few months and it's worth it. I got over it! YN, you're gonna be the plot of Shining if-"

You cut him off. "Ray, I'm fine. I don't see a snowed in haunted hotel around here.... Ray, you and me dealt with two completely different things. You were shot the first time by a guy you didn't like anyways. And stabbed by his mother...I was used and betrayed multiple times by people I considered friends. It's kind of different on a mental trust issue level." You gave. Trying to keep the annoyance you felt out of your voice.

He sighed. "Alright, fair enough. I was friends with Stu and Mickey though-"

"Okay, you're right. Let's just stop this apples and oranges thing. We both suffered….But I'm not ready to go out there yet. Maybe I don't want to date or make new friends? You're an extrovert, Ray. I'm not. I'm fine where I'm at."

The argument you both had at Windsor was at the brink of your mind that Randy for whatever reason felt getting a girl was like the ultimate status quo that he made it or something. You didn't understand it but you also weren't a geeky guy that had to make the first move. Guys hit on you all the time when you didn't want them too. Dating sounded like a nightmare at this point in your life.

"Okay, okay. Got it. Be a hermit."

"I will." You changed the subject. "And don't be nervous for your date! I saw the picture you sent to my email; she's cute!"

Randy hesitated. "...Um, yeah she just transitioned a few years ago. She just told me and at first I wasn't sure I mean we lived in conservative Woodsboro and I know my Dad will have something to say if he finds out but I mean it's the 2000s and she's one of the sweetest girls ever and-"

You cut off his rambling. "...Ray. She is sweet and pretty and likes you. Stop overthinking. You're right, it's 2001 and it's no one's business. Do you like her?"

He released a sigh. "Thanks… I really like her." You could hear the admiration in his voice and smiled. "Then who gives a shit? You and her will have a great time."

"You're right for once. It's just a casual date at a restaurant for now….Remember?-"

You scoffed, he didn't even have to finish his sentence.  "Yes. You face planted and knocked over an entire display in the restaurant...Did we maturally pay for it or apologize?"

"We were broke college kids; fuck no. We ran."

You both laughed. You heard sizzling again and jumped. "FUCK! I'm cooking, I gotta go-"

"Alright, love ya, don't ever go pro in the kitchen."

You scoffed as you got to the kitchen, Cherri wasn't eating anymore. "Pft. Don't plan on it. Love ya, bye."

You heard him chuckle to himself as you hung up.

You turned off the burner and moved the sauce you made. You transferred it to a new pot seeing the bottom was burned. One thing you learned the hard way; don't ever mix the bottom if it's burnt.

You sighed heavily and rubbed your temple. It had just been one of those days you felt frazzled...The anniversary coming up not helping.

"Maybe Cherri doesn't mind burnt sauce in the bottom?....Cherri! Come here, girl!"

You waited and scrunched your brows when she didn't come out. "Cherri?" Nothing. Not even her nails on the wood. You heard the tv...You knew that tv wasn't on.

You walked, bending down and unstrapping the revolver on your ankle to check it. You had the hammer halfway, just one click back and it was ready to go. "...Cherri? Come here."

You went silent, creeping to the living room and swallowing hard. Every awful memory and that Ghostface mask filtered through your mind.

You saw a man's legs on your couch from around the corner and your heart dropped. You cocked the hammer back and aimed.

You saw him and froze as he smirked at you.

"Now….What's the point of a security system if you don't even lock the back door?"

[masqueradeball]

How about number 3? Like, tell us all about it if you want :)

Oh my gosh 🥺 thank you so much for giving me my first ask! 💖 I'm eternally grateful I get to spill all my pheels out.

3. What is my favorite Phantom tv/film adaptation?

My absolute favorite Phantom is the 1925 Lon Chaney silent film. He just embodies everything that I like about Gaston Leroux's Erik for me and he is both horrifying and pitiable. I dislike the ending but I can live with it given it's what test audiences wanted at the time. I truly love his Red Death costume. You can find it on Youtube and the Tubi app for free.

My first runner up would be Claude Raines in the 1943 because his Erique so soft and tragic in that film I cannot help but love him. This was one was my grandma's favorite 'classic monster' movies that she loved, so I have a special place in my heart for this one. I love his hair and appreciate that he was one fine silver fox before the revenge and jealousy issues set in. The opera parts are a little boring, but the costumes and the sassy diva rival to Christine are worth the watch. We get 2 handsome Raouls who end up going to dinner together at the end of the movie and a Christine who gets to bask in the limelight of her career while not choosing any suitor, which is the best possible outcome for her. Double play for the win in my book! You can watch it for free on the Peacock app.

My next runner up is a 3 way tie between Robert Englund, Gerard Butler, and Charles Dance.

I honestly enjoy all their performances because they each bring something unique to the role.

I cannot stress enough how violent the Robert Englund version is if you want to give it a go, but Erik Destler is insane, twisted, and fabulously murdertastic in this. I love the creepy, evil vibes the man gives off. Think of this film as a time travel AU of the original novel. I feel like he nailed Leroux Erik's darker, snarky personality that some people tend to forget he had and the gothic horror parts of the original novel are there. Bonus: they keep the Faust parallels like in the novel!

I'm gonna say it: I love the Charles Dance miniseries. I know it's not the best, but damn, he is so dry and sarcastic I cannot help but enjoy his performance. I want to pinch his cheeks and smother Cherik with the love his father never gave him everytime I see him. Again, this one focuses on the operas a lot, and for me it's a bit boring. But the backgrounds, settings, and props in this thing are fantastic and the costumes are wonderful too.

That leaves Gerard Butler in the 2004 movie. No he is not the world's greatest singing Phantom, but I don't care. I absolutely love his facial expressions and body language. The Phantom is an emotional, expressive dude and the Red Death costume scene is pretty good. I love how kind and sincere Emmy feels in this film and I appreciate she's not overracting and doesn't feel fake compared to some other Christines *coughSierracough* Being the film version of the ALW musical, this Phantom story focuses on the romance and Gerard excels at that. When he and Christine are singing Past the Point of no Return, I FEEL THEIR PASSION! And that's what counts more so than hitting the same notes we've all heard a million times before.

Now for the versions in the 'I will eternally like this' category 😊 :

The Phantom of the Paradise from 1974. This is also a very violent and dark film so fair warning if you haven't seen it. It's a bizarre rock musical, but if you're weird like me and enjoy Rock & Rule or the Rocky Horror Picture Show, this might be a film you'd like too. I don't want to spoil it too much but the Faust/devil parallels are here too, as is various pop culture references. His teeth and mask are terrifyingly cool, and so is the electronic voice box he uses. It makes sense Daft Punk was inspired by this film. Maybe G1 Soundwave was inspired by this film too, but that's a debate for another day 😉

Next is the animated 1988 film. This one features animation on par with other 80s tv cartoons of the time. I love that they kept the Persian and the torture chamber from the novel. The Phantom's death scene is pretty damn epic. Christine is kind of a flake, but animated Leroux Erik is hilariously insane and terribly charming, especially when he calls himself a Don Juan. It's worth watching just for his antics and his dialouge.

You might not expect a Goosebumps episode to do a Phantom story any justice, but here we are: 1995, The Phantom of the Auditorium is a spooky fun take on the story and honestly, I'd like to see the full play the kids at that school are putting on cause it looks better than some of the live Phantom stage scenes I've seen. Both young boys playing the Phantom are fantastic actors and the plot twist at the end is great.

I absolutely have to give a shout out to Wishbone's Pantin at the Opera. He is the best, cutest, most adorable Raoul de Chagney ever and I will fight you if you dare talk smack about this version. I'm not even a Raoul stan by any means but like, this dog is precious and I enjoy this episode so much.

Also in the animated category and cute dog category is Scooby Doo Stage Fright made back in 2013. This movie is one of my fave Scooby Doo films (yes I own almost all of them on dvd) and there are multiple Phantoms, a reality tv show contest, and Fred and Daphne finally kiss each other! Lots and lots of hidden Phantom references in the background and lots of voice acting talent for those of us who appreciate that.

Now for the versions I intensely dislike 😏

The 1962 Herbert Lom version. UGH where to start. The sets are so small and everything looks dirty and of the wrong time period. The color in the film looks washed out. The clothes look too modern somehow (maybe it's their hairstyles?) and it bothers me. It feels low budget in a bad way and it shows. This phantom is not likeable or pitiable even though his backstory is similar to the Claude Raines version. He has no romantic interest in Christine, so it feels off. This guy is such an old a$$ piece of sh*t, he literally slaps Christine as she's singing for him for no damn reason. His paper mache mask looks like a Kindergartener's botched art class project. His personality is like somebody locked up cranky grandpa in the basement and he's PMS-ing because y'all forgot to give him his daily prune juice. This squatter's lair lacks creepiness, and his bizarre sidekick is annoying and yet somehow more interesting than the Phantom. The pervert manager trying to bang Christine aggravated me and simultaneously made me want to vomit. Raoul is the only likeable character in the whole damn movie. The Joan of Arc opera scene makes up for some of the film, but it's still terrible.

Next on my meh list is the 1983 made for tv movie starring Micheal York and Jane Seymour. Now, this one has some likeable and applaudable scenes: the various murders and general creepiness of the Phantom, and the lair scene when she wakes up in his bed and the Phantom gets all up in her face is so intense and so Leroux I absolutely love it. The rest of the film is a jumbled hot mess at best, but Jane Seymour is 🔥 and she gets some damn good sex, so hell yeah to that!

And lastly, I do not like the Royal Albert Hall 25th anniversary recording. I should preface this by saying it is Sierra I don't like. I like Ramin, I love Hadley, everyone else is wonderful but I cannot stand Sierra. She tries too hard to make Christine a Disney Princess- and that doesn't fly with me. It comes off as insincere or mocking the source material at best, and at worst it makes Christine look like an airheaded ditz. Apparently Sierra played Ariel at one point which is hilarious because of all the Disney princesses, I dislike her the most. But that's a different rant for another day.

And finally, the one I hate most of all:

The 1998 Argento film. This is the worst Phantom adaptation I've ever seen. It is a whole lotta nope for me. Between the rats, the unecessary and pointless telepathy, the r*pe scene, and the unfunny weird vibe from the murder going on in this film it's a disaster from start to finish. Honestly, it's the rats and his hair that bother me from a visual standpoint alone and it's beyond disgusting the way this a$$🤡 treats Christine. I don't like any of the characters in here and for good reason. It's not worth watching and if you do, be ready to bleach your brain afterwards.

💖 Sorry if this was a long read! Thanks again for giving me an ask and I will cherish it forver!!!! 💖

[blackberry-gingham]

The love language concept sounds interesting! I’d say George’s love language/the way he shows love is physical touch, Paul’s is receiving gifts, Ringo’s is positive affirmation mixed with quality time, and tbh I’m not to sure for John. maybe acts or service or quality time for him?

Mwahaha, you've fallen into my trap! The truth is I wanted to do this topic more or less for myself, but felt bad bc I still have a few requests left to do. So thank you for sending in a "request" for me so that I can do one out of order real quick >:3

Lol but really tho, thank you for humoring me and these are good! I could honestly see all of these, but for John I'd say acts of service with you, bc the "To Do" stuff just sounds like his character tbh, but maybe also I feel like there's some physical touch too???

Ik I've heard that John kind of actually didn't like being touched, but I mean... If you look at literally any picture of him with Yoko, he's always at least holding her hand, if not just totally draped all over her lol, so I'm assuming for an S/O it's totally different!

But anyway, here's some headcannons real quick and then back to requests. Thanks everyone!

---

George

Honestly? I feel like George would just not be able to keep his hands off you

Like, not necissarily in a sexual way (although that too, if you're in the mood lol), it's just that he loves to let you and everyone else know you're his

He's not all too shy about it either lol

I mean obviously he saves the more lovey dovey stuff for private places, but in public he still has a lot to offer

Everytime he sees you he kisses you either on the cheek, forehead, or mouth and then pulls you in for a hug

Always

Then the rest of the time, as long as he doesn't have to be working, he likes to hold your hand and play with your hair

And if he's feeling a little risqué, he likes to let you sit on his lap and cuddle against him

In private tho...

Oh, he is all over you!!!

You are his sanctuary and safe haven away from the public eye and the daily grind that comes with being a Beatle

I've seen quite a few quotes from geo lamenting the fact that he and the others had literally no private life thanks to their stardom

So yeah, believe me when I say he could live a thousand years and still never feel like he could repay you for giving him the rest and love he needs

He'd be like a long, giant cat. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, if he has an opportunity to snuggle up to you, he takes it

And if he's not exhausted, and if you let him !! he likes to just touch and kiss your body and face

Having that closeness and intimacy is so important to him, he wants to let you know how deeply he loves you

All of you

And of course, the best way you can return his love language back to him is by returning the intimacy he does for you!

When in Rome, after all

Honestly, just by accepting his offers when he initiates a request to hold your hand or hug or cuddle, he already appreciates that!

But if you initiate any of those things, he's definitely feeling the love!!

Although, one thing you like to do a bit different is giving massages

Of course George would certainly give you one if you asked!

But since he's usually tired, either mentally or physically, from always being on the go, you like to do him a favor lol

And he loves it

Seriously, you've never seen a man more blissed out then George gets over something as simple as a back or scalp massage

Assuming he doesn't fall asleep under the spell of your skillful fingers, he repays you with kisses or cuddles after :)

John

Ok idk if I'm like projecting, or reaching, or SOMETHING along those lines, but I feel like of all the boys, John is probably the one most looking for a true partner, as in like his other half

Paul is very close behind with his relationship with Linda, but for John it always came off as a need for him, more then like a want or nice thing to have

So anyway, all this to say that as far as acts of service goes, I think he gets a lot of security out of receiving this!

Like, whenever John's feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed having you there to approach the issues with an objective mindset is a HUGE relief

Really, like I cannot stress this enough

Phrases like, "What can I do to take some pressure off for you?"

Or, "Well what if we just focus on x for now, and then we can take care of y and z tomorrow?"

All give him such a powerful sense of relief

And of course, the way that you, you know, actually follow up on your word, makes him fall even deeper in love with you then he thought possible

Now on the other hand, is physical touch

While this is a part of his love language cocktail, John likes to express this one a bit more then he likes to receive it

You see, unlike George, John is a little more reserved with his PDA

He will kiss you and hold your hand of course! But unfortunately his anxiety is a thing, so as much as he hates it, he has to reserve his physical affection for more private settings

But when you two are alone, he's like puddy in your hands!

He likes to just hold you a lot

It doesn't matter if you're preoccupied with something else, like a book or the telly, he just wants to have physical contact with you

And if you can do any of those things cuddled up on his lap or against his chest, even better!

But also, John definitely loves to get that energy back

He likes it when you give him cute little kisses and pet his head

I think he'd also like it if you rubbed his temples or the bridge of his nose/third eye lol

Wearing glasses all day can get uncomfortable you know!!

I think if you can establish that trust and physical closeness, that's when you'd also get a return on his acts of service

Really, if you've bonded this deeply with John he'd do literally anything for you

Whatever you need, whatever you want, if he can do it he will and if he can't he'll find a way to do it anyway!

He'd be loyal to a fault and love you forever after

Paul

Please tell me why I could see Paul being your sugar daddy on the low 😭😭

Really, like he just likes to spoil you!

Honestly if someone showed me proof that the real actual, 78 year old, 2021 Paul McCartney uses stacks of hundred dollar bills as tinder for his fireplace, I literally wouldn't even blink

Like even back in the day, he's got that Beatles' money baby !!! and he.... Kinda doesn't care for it, actually

I personally don't think any of the boys come across as like money hungry or something like that, but I could see Paul especially figuring that he might as well use all this dumb money to buy you things you like!

It may feel overwhelming to be on the receiving end of so many random, but expensive gifts tbh

You might even tell him to stop or that he doesn't have to do all that!!

I think he'd be able to understand that overwhelming you with nice things kinda has the opposite effect of what he's intending, but....

He just gets a little carried away sometimes lol

I mean growing up he didn't have all that much, and even now, like obviously nice things are nice, but meh

What he really wants to do is make sure you're enjoying the high life too!

I could see him doing more of writing you songs and music instead so that he can still fulfil his desire to give, should you feel uncomfortable with the fancy gifts

But yeah, if you're uncomfortable he totally would get that and dial back the materialism, but if you don't mind, then he doesn't either!!

Now you might be wondering how you, a delightfully average person, could impress Paul McCartney with a gift giving love language...

I mean, what do you give the man who has everything?

Well I'd tell you this... It's simple!

You could bring him literally anything that you find meaningful and be like "This made me think of you!" or "I just thought you'd like this!" and he'll love it!

He would definitely run up some organized collections of the little things you've given him

He has some dedicated display boxes for all the random, shiny rocks and pebbles you've found

A little filing drawer of all the notes you've ever wrote him

And if you like art or photography, he'd decorate his personal spaces with your work!

Of course he'd appreciate traditional gifts too tho

Like a watch or bass strings or a new tie ect ect

But the thing for you to not get caught up on is the price!

That doesn't matter to him :)

He likes your gifts bc they came from you!

Ringo

Ok, positive affirmation is definitely a big thing for Ringo

He gets roasted a lot by the boys and even the media, and all in good fun I suppose, but after a while enough is enough you know?

Not to mention, he just feels a bit... Lesser then?? Compared to the others and their musical talent

So the poor guy really needs a break!

Literally, even just little one word sentences of encouragement mean sooo much to him

"I'm so proud of you Ritchie!"

"That sounded wonderful!"

"You've done a great job today at the studio, good work!"

Stuff like that makes him melt

Of course he also appreciates the more conventional things like "I love you" and when you call him handsome!

And as for the spending quality time, that comes easily!

Ringo looooves to take you out on dates!

Now yes, there's your typical movie date, dinner, dancing, all that

But his favorite things to do is go on little adventures!

He takes you to the park, the beach, out to explore thrift and consignment stores, and anywhere else you want to check out!

However, not everyone wants to run around outside 24/7

So in the house, he likes doing things that you two can do together!

Painting is a big one, seeing as it's his other hobby, but it could honestly be anything, like puzzles, board games, or just watching TV!

I'm trying to think of how he'd return the words words of affirmation side of his love language, but I think it would be a little harder for him to do then expressing quality time tbh

You just make him so darn shy!

What with all your good looks and kindness, he just feels a little overwhelmed

Have you ever seen a work of art, or architecture, or even a landscape so breathtaking that you don't really know where to start when describing it to someone?

Yeah, it's like that

He definitely wants to try tho!

I think he'd stick to simple things like complimenting your outfits and praising your work or personal projects you show him!

He's worried that that comes across as just common decency tho, so he says "I love you" a lot and tries to make up for his bad way with words with quality time

[katara0524]

Impromptu Ramblings about the NEO:TWEWY Demo

In case y'all weren't aware, I've been a pretty big fan of TWEWY for a couple years now, and with the sequel coming out next month, the excitement I feel for this game is greater than ever :) I played the Demo for the first time yesterday, and following a couple views of some livestreams of others playing it, I felt like sharing my (very ramble-y) thoughts prior to the release of the full game. This post WILL contain spoilers for both TWEWY and NEO:TWEWY, so if you want to avoid those from now on, please block the tags: #twewy spoilers, #ntwewy spoilers, #neo twewy spoilers, #ntwewy, and #neo twewy ^_^ Oh, and if you wanna keep up with any other posts I make about my experience with this game, please refer to the tag "kat plays neo twewy" :)

-First things first: I have not watched the Final Trailer and I don't plan on doing so to avoid spoilers, especially after the pre-release era of KH3 where a lot of the later trailers spoiled a lot of the endgame content. That being said, I've seen some minor screenshots from the final trailer including what many believe to be characters from the original TWEWY, namely Shiki and Joshua. That is all I know about the Final Trailer and I would very much like to remain as blind as possible going into NEO :)

-The very first cutscene was quite ominous in the sense that this game is likely going to be about "changing fate" (a recently common theme in Squeenix games, which I do appreciate), perhaps leading off from the end of A New Day in the OG and trying to stop an Inversion of Shibuya. Also worth noting that A New Day had similar aspects in which the main character experienced "future visions" of tragic events, although in A New Day these events were not able to be changed, while in NEO it seems like one of the main "powers" our protagonist has is specifically to rewrite these events and avoid a "bad ending." Very interesting indeed!

-I really like the revamped comic book style dialogue scenes, it's much more fluid and modern, which is an excellent direction for the series to take!

-I would love to have an actual PokemonGO knockoff of Final Fantasy creatures, please Squeenix that would be incredibleeeeee

-Also the LINE stickers??? Are so cute???

-I would just like to point out that Fret is an absolute treasure throughout this entire demo, he's hilarious and I will protect him with my life

-UHHHH don't like that Fret picked up some Reaper Pins just out of nowhere.....or the fact that they're apparently popular all over Shibuya.............did y'all not learn anything from the OG game or what lmao

-Okay so when I first got the "curry or ramen" scene and heard NPCs talking about the new curry place replacing the old ramen place I became IMMENSELY distressed that Ramen Don was totally cut from the game because....well, Ramen Don is a King okay?? But I'm glad to learn that no, he didn't fall off the face of the earth, he's still in business and he's the one opening the curry restaurant lolol. PHEW, crisis averted!

-.....I don't like the sudden appearance of a Wall Reaper and being able to read NPC thoughts. Wtf happened when they left the ramen place??? Are they playing the Game alive somehow?

-Okay so I have my own theories about this "Swallow" character and what they're up to but considering this is only the Demo and I still Have No Idea What's Happening, I'm just gonna say that I think Swallow intentionally led Rindo and Fret to the Crossing so they could join the Game. I mean, add in the fact that Swallow still communicates with Rindo during the Game and you've got yourself a suspicious character right there lol

-"Hey they're shooting off fireworks!" Fret honey that's not fireworks oof (see also: "*laughs* I'm in danger")

-WOOOOOO way to traumatize Rindo right off the bat like that LMAOO

-The visuals for the intro are VERY GOOD, the song is pretty decent until it gets all "screamo" (which I absolutely cannot stand sorry lol)

-Shoka is every Customer Service employee ever and I respect that

-Susukichi went from being "meh" to "WOW THIS GUY IS FUN" in the span of 10 seconds and I also respect that (he is also built like an Absolute Unit which is hilarious)

-The Wall Reapers (and just Reapers in general) seem.....way nicer and more helpful this time around?? Like in the OG the Wall Reapers were SO RUDE gfhjgjdfkhn and yeah I'm sure we'll get some like that but the juxtaposition of the first Wall Reaper in the OG compared to the first one in NEO is insane.

-The puzzles are quite a bit more entertaining this time around even if it's generally the same "fetch quest" formula lol

-"Rindo's Group" way to go Fret HFKJDGHSDFKJ mans really left the default name in there lmao

-OKAYOKAYOKAY so to those who aren't aware I am a MASSIVE SIMP for Sho Minamimoto, he's my absolute favorite and I think about him daily. HIS INTRODUCTION IS. INCREDIBLE. I LOVE IT SM.

-GOD hearing him actually SPEAK FULL SENTENCES is just SO SURREAL I love this sm

-Also the remix of his theme???? NEO TRANSFORMATION????? IT'S SO GOOD????????? It's like gone from a Boss Theme to a more triumphant sounding theme and I am HERE for it (every version of Transformation is just INCREDIBLE and getting a new one is even better)

-I Love Him, Your Honor

-Also idk how exactly but it's kinda weird seeing Sho in the OG vs NEO, cuz while he's mostly the same Insane Math-Obsessed Catboy, he's.....calmed down quite a bit?? Like OG made a whole point of how poorly he cooperates with others (not to mention just being completely unhinged and trying to kill everyone), whereas here in NEO he's......actually kinda working with others??? HELLO???? Sir what happened to you and Neku during those 3 years I would love to know all about it

-I guarantee you Sho is still probably scheming shite and will likely pull some total insane BS later down the road, and I am very much looking forward to that. Also, is he looking for a certain Pin or something??? Cuz he keeps talking about different Pins and even mentions "this is just another Psych Pin" like he's actively looking for a Pin to do something with. Maybe it also has to do with the "latent powers of Players" thing he mentioned as well??? What is this dude UP TO oml (also is he in contact with Neku at all?? they're both technically fugitives at this point right?? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER A NEW DAY I AM BEGGING YOU)

-I seems like Sho ALSO has an idea of what's going on in this specific game (even if he won't admit it straightforward). Per his quote "The game's 142,857. Factor it out," he's essentially saying, "This game is a neverending cyle, figure out how to get out of it" (or at least that's what I got from his "cyclic number" nonsense lolol)

-I do like how Sho mostly stays out of sight until he's needed for a battle or assisting with a mission, that's kind of on par with his whole "uncooperative" quirk from the OG, plus he might literally have to stay out of sight of other Reapers and Players considering he's likely breaking the rules of the Game (not surprising considering him and Neku broke practically every rule in the book during OG)

-The nicknames for Sho- I can't- They're so FUNNYYYY GFHJSDFKJ

-He goes from being called "Pi-Face" and "Tabooty" in OG to "Mr. Minami" and "M-Teezy" in NEO LMAOO

-(Wowee I just realized I've been mostly talking about Sho oopsies sorry y'all, this is what I meant by thinking about him almost daily he is THAT much of a fav of mine ghfkjsd)

-Okay RIP Fret and Rindo for not getting literally ANY explanation as to how the Game works OOF, that is kinda cringe that whoever gets the Pin earns points, not whoever erases the Noise (which like I understand but also URRRGGHHH I WANNA SEE THE SQUAD SUCCEED)

-"I should be going home now it's getting late" Oh you sweet summer child-

-Also love the mention of parents in this game???? KH you could learn a thing or two from TWEWY (poor Rindo's mom fhgjkdh)

-KUBO IS HILARIOUS I SUPPORT HIM AND HIS GROSS FACE (also thank you Final Trailer thumbnail for spoiling my suspicions about him very cool smh)

-Kaie is a LAD I also support him, go King type those funky texts I believe in you

-FRET PLS STOP SCANNING FHGJKSDHKJFGHFKJ he's like me when I scan in OG during Weeks 2 and 3 and see Taboo Noise coming after me ghfjdshfj

-Also Rindo can you stay off your phone for TWO SECONDS ik you're trying to figure things out but Fret is a jelly boi and I don't want him to be upset with you my guy

-Sho being an actual sorta mentor to the kiddos?? Who are you sir this is so unlike you ghfgskj what happened to the guy who tried shooting children in the face 8 times over LMAO (granted he's probably just using them but it's still nice to see him actually cooperating and sharing knowledge with the kiddos aaaaa)

-EYO EIJI OJI THE TIKTOK INFLUENCER IS BACK LMAO

-hgjkfshgkjf "we aren't glorifying capitalism on my watch" THATS SO FUNNY TO ME GFHJFSDGHJKS (also an all-orange ensemble is disgusting you deserve jail for one thousand years fkn Cheddar Goldfish Cheezit ass woman)

-WICKED TWISTERS NAME DROP EYOOO we love to see it

-gfhsgjf Poor Rindo embarassing himself for the sake of the Game that's incredible

-R e t u r n t o M O N K E. That is all.

-Dialogue during boss battles is HELLA cool i love that

-HHHHH THE KANON SCENE MADE ME A N G E R Y FRET STOP SIMPING MY GUY says the girl with a Literal Simp Encyclopedia and simps for pixels on a screen daily

-Can't wait to see the other Reapers :eyes emoji:

-CAN'T WAIT TO SEE NAGI MY BELOVED YEAHHHH WOOOOOO AAAAND that's about it for the demo lolol, I absolutely CANNOT wait for next month, this game is gonna be INCREDIBLE holy hell Prepare for more simping, more screaming, and more vibing from Yours Truly :) I fully intend on sharing more general thoughts like this on both Tumblr and Twitter so it's not just reblog-retweet-reblog-retweet with the occasional comment fhgskjd

If you wanna witness my insanity up close and personal I have a Square Enix Discord server called Sea Side Dreamers! You can look it up on Disboard, or you can add me on Discord @Katara0524#9244 for a direct link :) We have topics about Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, NieR, and ofc TWEWY (as well as other topics!), so if you want some good ol' chaos and chitchat, you're more than welcome to join!

[palbabor-writes]

Moniker

Hawks Week 2020 - Prompt: Rebirth

Character: Keigo Takami - Hawks

Warnings: Angst, some adult language, the drama of growing up

Word Count: 5433

“They need you to pick a name, Keigo. You’re old enough now and the data has shown that you’re learning how to control your quirk. The advancements we’ve seen in the last few months have been outstanding. The HPSC wants you to start making a name for yourself, publicly. We’re hoping, in six or so years, you’ll be operating on a professional level. 

So, look over those names and pick one. Once you do, you’ll no longer go by Keigo Takami. No, that name will be expunged from the records.”

Why? He’d wanted to ask. Why can’t he keep his name? Does it really matter? What were they going to do with him? Why was he even in this program? 

There were so many questions racing through his mind. But, he just nodded and looked out the window. What good did it do to ask? They weren’t going to tell him anything. This was all just another manipulation. They always tried, so, so hard to let him feel like he had a say in his name, in his life, in anything. 

In reality, he was just their little puppet, floating along on a tight string.

Notes: Part of Hawks Week 2020, Day 7 - Prompt: Rebirth.

This fic, like my Shigaraki exploration, Phantasma is part of a smaller series I’m calling Hopscotch. There’s a ton of kids in the BNHA universe that just need a freaking hug, man. But, all this trauma does give me some nice topics to write about...Not beta edited, so all mistakes are mine, and mine alone.

Moniker mon·i·ker /ˈmänəkər/ noun a name.

Keigo Takami is a ward of the Hero Public Safety Commission. 

He’s been a ward for most of his life. He’s used to the routine: the daily drills, the daily training, the daily lessons, the daily lectures, the daily monotony of it all. 

He’s never alone. 

There’s always a few of them hovering. They, being the agents who are assigned to his daily care and maintenance. They’re like black spots, bleeding out against the clean, crisp linoleum floors. He’s shuttled around like a chess piece. As if he needs a shadow to guide him. He knows this building inside and out. He knows just where to perch if he wants to avoid the cameras and he knows the secrets of at least five or six of his handlers. 

They blurt stuff out around him. People never think kids are listening. Too bad for them, cuz, he’s got enough dirt to take them straight to the top if he wanted to. Not that he wants to. Some of the handlers are nice, but Keigo has learned that sometimes nice is another way to say: manipulative.

So, he imagines that he can flex a little control over them, too. He’s got the information, he’s just not sure who to take it to. He’s never seen the head of the HPSC. They remain an enigma. The leader of this whole thing is the one piece he hasn’t slipped onto the puzzle. No, whoever they are, they’re mysterious. He only knows they exist because he’s seen their hen scratch of a signature on his progress reports and monthly, “how are you doing Keigo,” emails. 

Despite the mystery, the head of the HPSC is the one constant in his life. He can’t say the same of his handlers. Most of the people who surround him shift and change. They’re like a tide.

When he was younger, his father used to take him down to the beach. Keigo was always fascinated by the pull, the drag, of that dark blue water.

Yeah, these handlers of his moved in and out like a tide. Every month it was someone else. One or two might be familiar faces, but they never told him their names. Well, not their real names at least. No, no one ever revealed those. Keigo was accustomed to the secrecy of it all. It was kinda boring. 

But, most days were. 

It was just him and the various adults who were tasked with his lessons or training schedules. It was a never ending circle, a rotation of sameness that made his teeth ache. There were no other kids at the base. No, lucky him, he was the only one selected to receive this special training.

When he was smaller he’d been a little more excited. He’d wander behind the dark suits, clutching his Endeavor figure to his chest, his eyes scanning every room, every person, every crevice. 

You can never be too careful Kei, his father had told him, his golden eyes winking down at him. Always keep your eyes and ears open. 

“It’s a special program, Keigo. Starting today, you need to say goodbye to your name. You’re going to become a very special hero, okay?” 

It was a younger man who had talked with him that afternoon. He can remember looking down at his toy, the plastic heavy, sticking to his clenched arms. Keigo can recall his small voice asking the man two questions: “Can I be like him? Can I be a hero who beats the bad guys?”

At the time, they had felt so, well, important to him. They were all encompassing, vital queries that needed to know the answer to back then. He disliked them now. They were stupid questions. Besides, what self respecting adult takes the word of a six year old seriously? 

He’s eleven now. He’s way past those childish dreams. And, they still hadn’t taken his name from him. Oh, they hinted at it. He’d even caught sight of one of the lists. 

The lists were the long rows and rows of potential hero names for Keigo. Not that he was asked much about any of this. His opinion didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. He’d only managed to see one of the lists a few years ago. His handler hadn’t been expecting him back so fast. 

He wasn’t supposed to use his wings unless he was in the training facility. Little did they know, he’d been practicing. How could he not? He could feel each and every tiny thing with his feathers. It drove him insane. If he was drifting off to sleep he would feel the electricity humming through the walls. When he focused hard enough he could hear the distant conversations happening on the floors above him. 

It was an endless march of noise, emotion, and sensations. He felt like he was overstimulated all the time, his skin too heavy for his bones. He wanted to scream some days: get these off me, I can’t, I-I can’t take it. But, he had to learn how to grapple with his quirk. It was part of him. 

Still, sometimes he wished he was someone, anyone else. 

‘Turn it off’, they said, ‘dampen the urge to reach out with your feathers’. 

Yeah, right. Let them slip into his quirk, see how much they liked the all consuming sensation of it all. It was too much, too intense. Some days it’s a fight to make himself get out of his bed. Everything is just...too close, sometimes. 

He’s just a kid, he wanted to tell them. Like that would grant him a reprieve. No, he already knew what answer they would give him. The HPSC had selected you for a purpose, a reason, Keigo. 

They fed him such vague, well, bullshit. Yeah, he knows he shouldn’t say words like that, whatever. They shouldn’t be doing this, er, whatever it was that they were hoping to achieve with him. But, it’s not like the confirmed acknowledgement of their preposterousness would stop them. No, he’d learned to keep his mouth shut and his eyes open. It was the best way to survive the endless march of days and weeks. He would nod, practice, and then practice a little more in secret. 

It’s his quirk after all. If he could perfect it, maybe they would loosen his leash.  

His wings were still a little stunted. They could grow to longer points, but it took a lot of time and a lot of concentration. It was like his body knew exactly what he could, or could not, in this case, handle. More feathers meant more sensations. More sensations meant less sleep, less control, and, worst of all, less autonomy. There would be more tests, more training, more, more, more. 

Still, he worked at it. It was a double edged sword. He both hated, and loved, the improvements he saw within himself. 

Despite his impeded wing growth, Keigo could flap himself along now. He could even hover in the air for a little while, but his back would protest the strain after forty minutes or so. It hurt to hold himself up. His shoulders just weren't broad enough to maintain his weight. He’d been hoping that eating a little more would help. You know, beef him up a little. 

He’d brought the subject up with one of his handlers, one of the ones he actually knew. The man had nodded, his curly blonde hair bobbing around his ears. And, with that, his food rations were extended. He was also given some other choices too. Some steak, veal, higher protein foods. He’d stubbornly stuck with chicken. He liked the taste. Never one to pass up an opportunity, Keigo took advantage of the larger portions and he gorged himself on the succulent meat. 

Four weeks later, he hadn’t grown much. Maybe what, half a pound? Nah, most of that energy must have been consumed by his quirk. But, the more he ate, the easier it was to focus on it. Meh, still a win, win. At least from the HPSC’s viewpoint. 

He mentioned that there are never any kids around the HPSC training facility, right? 

Adults? You couldn’t swing a dead cat and not hit at least 4 or 5 of them, at any given moment. Keigo didn’t mind. He was used to adults. By nature he was quiet, observant. It was his habit to position himself in the corners of rooms. It let him see anyone and everyone who entered or left. He likes watching. But, he’s done that his whole life. Even before the HPSC picked him up he’d learned how to hone that skill. 

Now, the trainers and handlers were trying to break him of that tic. 

‘You need to curb that Keigo’, they’d say. ‘If you’re going to become a successful hero you can’t just sit in the shadows. We already have plenty of agents who are trained for that. No, you need to be more gregarious. Speak up, talk with people. You’ve been drilled in this skill, now show us what you’ve learned. We want you to be a hero’.

So, he myna birds what they ask. They’ll leave him alone that way. Sure, sure, he’s rewarded with gifts, with praise, with extra free time. But, it’s all so calculated. He can smell their intentions a mile away. He’s seen the books some of them read. They were books with titles like: The Psychology of the Child, The Developing Mind, Playing and Reality. 

If that wasn’t obvious enough, he’d heard some of the conversations they passed as they handed off their shifts, the words lilting back and forth, like secret notes. 

“Ignore his minor tactics. It’s just him responding to the attention. Only praise him when he’s behaving.” Or, “Give Keigo labeled praise. You know, build his self esteem. He’s so quiet, it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. Pack a snack for him. That way when he opens up to you, boom! Treat in hand.”

Do they not realize how much he can hear? God, adults are dumb. Smile and give them what they want, or, say what they most need to hear and they’re eating out of your hand. Meanwhile, as they’re congratulating themselves on a job well done, they had no idea what thoughts were racing behind his golden irises. 

No, Keigo is motivated by other things. One motivation trumps all the others: he wants to get outta this place. Just for a day, heck, he’d take an hour. Keigo is tired of the same walkway, the same lunch hall, the same dreary views of the city. 

It’s springtime in Japan and Keigo can make his feathers molt. It’s a newer skill, one he’s withholding from his handlers for the time being. Maybe if he feigns a cough, he can pretend to be sick? He’s gotten pretty good at acting now. That was another one of his classes. It was like a, how to deceive someone 101. Actually, it was prolly called something like ‘Espionage for Tots’. 

It was fun. He liked the smiles and serious faces he was asked to make. They should have slapped a big: “please, Keigo, don’t use these skills to deceive us” disclaimer on the door. He liked the guy that taught it, too. He was a short, unassuming man, but he would genuinely grin at Keigo each time he walked through the door for his session. Oh, wait. Was that just an act? He’d have to ask him. Boy, he’s good if it was. He needs to shore up his own skills…

He could always pretend that an imaginary sick day was part of the lesson. Look! My poor feathers, they’re molting, how sad. Also, cough, cough, I feel ill. No, ill is a bad choice of words. Ahem, I mean, I don’t feel so good. Can I lay down? Maybe prop open my window, for the fresh air. Oh no! I accidentally swooped out. Cough, cough.  

Keigo isn’t even sure what he’d do with himself if he could manage to sneak out. It’s not like he’s not noticeable. He’s sporting at least 7 feet of ruby red plumage now. Well, if he’s gonna plan an escape, he might as well do it-

“Keigo,” it’s a sharp voice, and it startles him out of his musings. It belongs to one of the head handlers. Kaori? Yeah, that’s her name. Eh, the one she’d given him at least. She’s nice enough, a little rough around the edges at times, but she’s fair. Maybe, oh, maybe he can ask her about-

“Are you listening, Keigo? We need to go. The provost was expecting us over an hour ago. Where have you been? Mai couldn’t find you so she asked me to look for you.”

“I was up there.” Keigo points, his chin lifting to follow his movement, wings fluttering against his back. Despite her tone, Kaori doesn’t seem too upset. Her heartbeat is normal. But, that didn’t mean much around here.

“Up there?” Kaori’s tone is faint and a little awed. She turns her violet gaze to his, pursing her lips into a thin line. “Since when?”

“It’s been, ah, three months and sixteen days since I first made it to that perch. They didn’t like that I went so far. Eiichi said he was going to document it though. I mean, it ain’t too far. Guess I can go for a lower spot next time. I just like that I can see more up there, it makes it-”

“No, no. It’s fine Keigo. Don’t say “ain’t,” it’s slang. I suppose it has been awhile since I’ve seen you. How old are you now? Ten?”

“Eleven,” Keigo replies, his back straightening, wings arching beside his head.

“Mmm, eleven. Gosh, you’re growing up fast,” Kaori’s reply is sharp, practiced. Keigo rolls his eyes. She wanted to spark a reaction out of him. See if he’ll puff up with joy or grow sullen with her mistake of thinking he’s younger than he is. It’s easier to assign him extra training than really deal with him. At least, that’s what some of his handlers seemed to think. 

“Have you seen the news?” Kaori asks, violet eyes resting on his amber ones. “There’s a mission coming up. Endeavor’s agency is taking it on.”

Keigo feels his wings lifting again, but he quickly suppresses the motion, his shoulders hunching forward. He never, ever, wanted to seem too eager. Not when they’d primed him for such an obvious tell. It’s not like they didn’t know what heroes he admired. 

Yeah, Keigo had seen the news. He was permitted two hours of television each day. Most blocks were taken up with watching the latest developments. Sometimes he would shift the channel to a cartoon, but the television time would be lessened if he watched nonsense for too long. No, the tv was for educational purposes only, not for leisure or fun. He’d heard that line enough to have it memorized. 

“What about it?” Keigo asks, falling into step with Kaori. She’s taking the long way back to his next lesson. Clearly, she’s wanting to glean something from him. 

“Well, I was thinking it might be beneficial for you to observe the mission.”

“What, like on CCTV or something?”

“No. In person. We would need to fit into the crowd, but this mission has been widely publicized, it’s a miracle the villain’s haven’t heard about it.”

“That, or they want the fight.”

Kaori laughs. “Very good, excellent observation. You’ve improved Keigo. Consider this a set date. I will personally escort you to the mission viewing point. At the end of the exercise, I would like to hear your opinion on the matter.”

Keigo bites his tongue. 

It’s too slick again, too obvious. The mission Kaori mentioned fits the profile of a raid, not the everyday, run of the mill, villain sting. Endeavor’s agency had been squaring up with the lower level fighting rings for months now. This was just another day for him. The number two hero promised to clean up crime and he was following through with that assertion. 

So, why take him to see it now? Why did it matter if Keigo saw it in person? The data and video would be uploaded the next day to the HPSC database, he could just watch it and take notes then. 

Why is she doing this?

Keigo chances a glance at her face. She’s pale, stern and stoic above him. Her heels click on the tiles and her back is ramrod straight. A few feathers bristle, feeling, listening, nah, her pulse is steady too. It’s hopeless. Maybe this is the challenge? Something to test him, to try and see if he can get a read on the unreadable?

“What’s the point of me going? What good does it do? My data sheets haven’t slipped enough to call for anything like this.”

“Don’t be so critical of everything Keigo,” Kaori scolds him, her purple eyes lingering on his spreading plumage. “It’s not a test, it’s not a drill. I just...I can remember what it was like to be a teenager and be trapped doing something I didn’t want to do.”

Again, Keigo is silent after her declaration. He’s not really sure how to answer. Pragmatic, logical, even angry responses, he’s used to those. This? What is this? Some kinda misplaced empathy? He never would have placed an empathetic bone in Kaori’s body before today. 

They pause at the provost’s doorway and Kaori places an arm on his shoulder, demanding his attention with her strong grip. 

“Let me know by tomorrow.” 

And, with that, she’s gone, pacing down the long hallway, her heels tapping a sharp tattoo against the flooring. Keigo narrows his eyes, avian pupils dilating, focusing. Sure, maybe it was just an opportunity, a chance for him to get out of the headquarters for a while, but there’s always a catch. 

******

The email comes a few hours later. 

Keigo is sprawled across his bed, his wings tucked safely along his shoulders as he flips through his textbook. He lifts his head from his pillow and sighs heavily at the familiar chime from his computer. It’s either more geometry problems or it’ll have something to do with what Kaori was discussing: The Endeavor mission.

His wings shift and rustle as he stands. He’s agitated, on edge. He dislikes being maneuvered into a corner. No matter what the email is over, he’ll feel obligated to say yes. Even if it’s by default. 

Keigo steps up to his computer, his long fingers racing over the keypad, typing in his encrypted password. As he waits for the screen to load, his eyes fall to the battered figurine beside his monitor. 

It’s the Endeavor toy. He’s kept it all these years, safe and sound, in each bedroom he’s moved to. The flames are dull and his bright blue uniform is more mottled than cobalt, but it’s still a tiny piece of his other life. 

His father had given it to him. It was years ago. He hadn’t thought he was going to get anything for his birthday, but then, his father had flown in, his own plumage glimmering against the dying sunlight and presented four year old Keigo with the toy. He had clutched it to him, his eyes shining and bright. 

“Dad! Ah, how did you know?” 

His father had beamed at him, his eyes softening at the sight of his son’s genuine smile. Keigo didn’t smile a lot back then. Their life was too tumultuous, too chaotic. There was too much at stake. His father had gathered him up and pressed the button that activated the toy’s internal voice box. Keigo had squealed with delight and wrapped his arms around his father’s neck. 

Now, Keigo traces a single finger along the top of the Endeavor’s head, running along the dimmed flames. He’s seen a decent amount of coverage on the number two hero lately. He’d even gone as far as studying his moves. Not that it mattered. His quirk would never be a match for the flame heroes skills. But, he had to admire the guy. 

He was constantly overshadowed, outranked and outclassed by All Might. Still, Endeavor pushed forward. He’s the only one who really tried to overtake the number one hero. It was both impressive and, well, kinda pathetic, desperate even. All the same, Keigo kept hunting for news of the number two. Once you have a favorite, Keigo reasoned, you tend to stick with them. 

Tearing his eyes away from the little figurine, Keigo clicks on the new email. He blinks a few times, even rubs his eyes. No, no way. He spreads his fingers along the computer’s trackpad, enhancing the words. Yeah, no, it’s really there. 

It’s the list. 

Remember? The one with all the HPSC’s approved names for him? 

It’s, well, it’s even more anticlimactic than he was expecting. Damn, it’s over three pages of the most asinine, inane bullshit. Two bad words, oh no, and in one sentence. In his defense, this crap deserved a whole string of curse words.  

There are names like: REDWING, Darkbird, Vulture, WINGMAN, Canary, Condor, RED Condor, Northwind, Zauriel, Red jay, WING. God, it’s just page after page of trash. Whomever they paid to create this, well, they needed a new day job. Might as well just call him: BIRDBOY or something. Sighing, Keigo clicks out of the email, his plumage lifting and lowering, feathers rustling again, perturbed. Yeah, he’s got wings. So what? That’s not all he is.  

Keigo is about to pace back to his bed when another email chimes in. Groaning, he doesn’t even look at the sender before opening it. Oh.

It’s from Kaori and the head of the HPSC. They were wanting to confirm the viewing of the Endeavor mission. Both felt that it was a good use of Keigo’s time and the HPSC’s resources. They just need his answer.

Funny, Keigo thinks, tapping a quick reply, they always like to pretend that he has a say in things. 

******

He’s never been a tall kid. He’s not sure if it’s his quirk or something genealogical. Quirk makes the most sense. It’s hard enough to lug his own tiny body around, he can’t even imagine trying to pull someone like Endeavor into the air. 

Keigo’s seen the number two plenty of times. God, hundreds and hundreds of times, really. But, he’s not prepared for the hulk of a man that is standing before him. Enji Todoroki, that’s his real name. Most heroes don’t hide their civilian names. No, they’re all listed in the databases of the HPSC and open for public scrutiny. Keigo shifts on the balls of his feet, his toes tapping against the pavement. Apparently, that’s not going to be an option for him.

Kaori had sat, prim and proper, next to him in the long black car as they drove to the mission site. Her violet eyes were dull flints of purple as she relayed the news: 

“They need you to pick a name, Keigo. You’re old enough now and the data has shown that you’re learning how to control your quirk. The advancements we’ve seen in the last few months have been outstanding. The HPSC wants you to start making a name for yourself, publicly. We’re hoping, in six or so years, you’ll be operating on a professional level. 

So, look over those names and pick one. Once you do, you’ll no longer go by Keigo Takami. No, that name will be expunged from the records.”

Why? He’d wanted to ask. Why can’t he keep his name? Does it really matter? What were they going to do with him? Why was he even in this program? There were so many questions racing through his mind. But, he just nodded and looked out the window. 

What good did it do to ask? They weren’t going to tell him anything. This was all just another manipulation. They always tried, so, so hard to let him feel like he had a say in his name, in his life, in anything. In reality, he was just their little puppet, floating along on a tight string. 

Keigo looked over the police tape to Endeavor again. Even the number two hero got to keep his name. What makes Keigo so different?

“They’ll be rushing the entrance soon,” Kaori says, her arms crossed, her pressed suit dark against the bright sunlight. “You might be able to see it a little better if you move to the other end of the street.” 

Keigo looks up at her, his eyes impassive. Kaori, sensing his gaze, blinks down at him. “Don’t go far. Consider this a small reward for good behavior. I know what I told you in the car can’t have been easy to hear. Don’t make me regret giving you a little more freedom.” 

For a long moment, Keigo is still. 

He wants to dash off. He’s never done that. It would be nice to place a little distance between him and his handler. Plus, he’s outside. It’s a beautiful day, just puffy clouds and the fresh, clean smell of springtime. Well, and the hustle and bustle of the raid that is unfolding across the street. He looks up at Kaori and her violet eyes lift away from him. She shakes her head and a small smile creeps across her lips. 

“Go on, you better hurry. Endeavor’s about to enter the building.”

It’s all the prodding he needs. Like a shot, Keigo is dashing through the crowd. A few people clamor around him, their voices distant, complaints and admonishments ringing over his golden head. He rounds the street corner and his wings lift, testing the air, trying to tug him into the skies. 

Amber eyes flash as he looks for the perfect spot. Ah-ha! There’s a low, tiled roof across the street. If he can get up to the second story he should be able to see into the back of the compound Endeavor is conducting the raid on.

His back aches, muscles tired and straining, but he ignores the sting. His wings lap against the warm air and, just like that, he’s landing on the roof, his sneakers bright against the dark tile. Keigo turns back to the compound. Yes! Perfect! He can see everything. His wings settle along his shoulders, still lifted as he crouches down, the plumage vibrating, listening.

Keigo can hear some of the transmission between the heroes. Their radios are switched up and the static sound makes his nose wrinkle. It feels fuzzy, almost like he’s stepped on a live wire. Apparently, Endeavor is about to move into the exposed courtyard and Keigo sits up straighter, his wings spreading, cupping under the low wind. He’s so focused on catching sight of the number two that he doesn’t hear the warning cry.

No, he only notices the danger when it’s too late.

His feathers bristle, arching, quivering, reacting as a set of talons rips into his delicate plumage. His wings throb. It stings and he feels the anger, the rage that is coursing through the culprit that’s attacking him. Their screams make his ears ache and he rolls away, his hands instinctively covering his head, protecting himself from the sudden onslaught. His golden eyes are narrowed and searching. What the hell-

The pieces fit into place when he sees her. 

It’s a hawk. She’s already taken to the skies, her dark wings wheeling her back to the roof. She lifts upward, the strong winds carrying her high, against the clouds. Then, she’s diving, her feathers bracing along her sides, propelling her at a terrifying speed. 

She’s headed straight for him. 

Keigo, unthinkingly, rolls out of the way, his own wings flaring open and flapping him a good ten feet or so, hopefully placing him out of range. The hawk pulls up, another scream echoing across the sky. She wheels around, her sharp beak and eyes trained on him. Keigo’s foot slips against the uneven surface of the roof and he bites his lip, his ankle twisting painfully. 

“Hey! Keigo! Oh, there you are. Come on! The raid is wrapping up, we need to get back.”

Kaori’s voice shudders up his spine, his oversensitive wings making her sound like a foghorn. Wait. The raid is over? He whirls back to the compound, his eyes scanning, flashing in his agitation. 

No. No, no, no. 

She’s right. Endeavor and his sidekicks are already back at the front of the building, he can’t even see them clearly from here. He’s missed his chance. Damn it. 

It’s not fair, he thinks, a misting of tears clouding his sight. He’d been so close. And now? Now, he’s gotta go back to that stupid building. Now, they’re going to take away his name and force him to do even more training. Who knows when he’ll get out again. It’s just, it’s not freaking fair.

Keigo wipes his arm against his eyes, pulling the moisture across his sleeve. He can’t let Kaori see him cry. He hasn’t cried in years. He’s not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing that he still...wait...what’s that?

Across the rooftop, close to where his original perch was, is a nest. It looks clumsy, like it might fall off into open space at any moment. It’s held together with a spattering of twigs and sticks, but there’s movement. Keigo lowers his arm, his wings lifting again, feeling. There’s one...no...there’s two chicks inside. They feel soft. Their heartbeats are fluttering, like a butterfly’s wing.  

He looks down at Kaori. She’s standing on the street corner, shielding her eyes from the sun as she peers up at him. Keigo lifts his hand so she can see, one finger raised, silently asking her for a little more time. Kaori groans, he can hear her exhale from here, and nods, lowering her gaze, one hand propped on her jutted hip.

“Be quick about it, Keigo.” 

He lets his wings bevel over his shoulders and he hops, carefully, slowly, across the tiles. As he gets closer, two pairs of yellow eyes peer at him, half hidden in the tangle of twigs. He grins and leans up, wanting to look a little…

The hawk, quick as lightning clatters in front of the nest, shielding her chicks from his curious observation. Her wings flare at his proximity, her beak open, sharp. She clicks a warning, her feathers spreading. Keigo mimics her display, his own wings fanning out and the hawk tilts her head, surprised. Her eyes blink, the dark orange shifting from agitated to quizzical. Slowly, her wings lower, draping along her back. Talons shift against the tiles and she chirps at him. It’s a different sound, less challenging. It's almost like a question.

Keigo lifts one of his hands, his fingers balled into a fist and gingerly extends his arm, his shoes sliding closer. She lifts her wings and glides a little nearer, her head still tilted in that exaggerated way. She chirps at him again and lowers her head. If he reaches out a little further he could stroke a finger down her feathers. Just a bit…

“Keigo!” 

The sound of his name startles him and the hawk. She yanks from his touch and launches herself back into the skies. Keigo watches her, fascinated by the ease, the grace that she moves with. As he’s admiring her fluidity, a single feather flutters to his feet. He almost misses it. The wind starts to catch it, pulling it away, but he snatches it up, his fingers careful to not crush the barbs. 

“Keigo, I’m not going to ask again...”

He uses his wings to help him down the side of the building. The verdant plumage is swelling, arching behind him. It feels different. Keigo lowers them against his back, mirroring the way the hawk had draped them, the feathers close to his skin. It helps. They don’t feel like something that he’s untethered from when he holds them like that. He’s still basking in his discovery when Kaori steps toward him, one brow arched.

“You know better than that, Keigo. Didn’t I ask you to not make me regret giving you a little more freedom? Come on, we’re overdue. What’s that in your hand?”

“Nothing,” Keigo replies, tucking the hawk’s feather into his jean pocket. She was so pretty, fierce and quick.

“You put any thought into any of the names on the lists? We were thinking your hero name should be-”

“Hawks,” Keigo replies, his wings stretching behind him, shimmering in the bright sunlight. “I wanna be called Hawks.”

Notes: bb Keigo is too cute, I couldn’t resist.

Tags: @hawksweek2020​, @spicy-skull, 

[lucysweatslove]

Weekly Recap: 1/24/2022 - 1/30/2022

Nutrition + Hydration: good? I think.

Eat at least 3x a day (ie, don’t skip meals): This one was a struggle but I did it. A few times I just wanted to lay in bed or was too busy at work to make a real meal, but I did still manage to eat something.

Eat at least 1 fruit and 1 veg a day: Actually, no. I realized I didn't eat fruit on Friday.

19000g water: Met; 20,600ish.

Nutrition-wise, I'm doing okay. Lower in phosphorous again, but that comes from eating mainly prepackaged protein bars. But, that’s better than not at all.

The fact that I didn't eat fruit on Friday at all when fruit is literally my most favorite food group behind potatoes kind of solidifies that there is more cognitive stuff going on for me.

Movement: Okay (goals met)

Yoga sessions 2x: Tuesday, Sunday

Cardio 2x: Tuesday, Friday, Sunday

Strength training 2x: Tuesday, Sunday

So, first and foremost, I hold off on exercise/movement if it isn't safe to do so, either because I know my mentality is at a "burn calories; control shape" spot, or because I'm not properly fueled. Throughout the week there was only a few days where things aligned to do real movement, and even when I went on Sunday, I didn’t realize how fuel-deficient I was.

That said, even though I did two yoga sessions, I feel disappointed I didn’t do more. Yoga has never been a “burn calories; control shape” thing, and it’s not something you even need a ton of fuel to do for the stretching stuff. My head was just… too tired I think. I used to be able to do so much more, and losing my abilities has been emotionally difficult to come to terms with.

Sleep: Bad.

In bed and asleep by midnight 4x/week: Can't remember Monday night, but I only met this goal on Tuesday and last night. Last night, my app said I wasn’t “in bed” until 12:21, but I was tossing and turning trying to get comfortable for a while and that might be why.

No staying up past 2AM: Nope, went to bed past 2 on Wednesday night. That was the only night, and it was at 2:06. So, better than last week’s latest.

Overall, bedtime has been less consistent, with less total duration. While sleep quality is APPARENTLY higher by 1% versus last week's, last week's average included a very low quality score for a nap. I’ve been having a hard time unwinding from busy work days and wanting to sleep versus wanting time to do the unwinding/relaxing activities I enjoy.

Professional Growth: Goal met, but meh.

Just get through work: I mean, I'm here, so yeah.

Nothing more to report for this week.

Personal Growth: Great.

Individual therapy on Tuesday (my goal for the session is to not hold back information): I did meet this goal; I talked and didn't withhold even though I didn't use all the words I could've. I felt somewhat validated but I don't really feel like I've made a ton of PROGRESS-progress.

Not look at my old blog: Yeah, I've kept away from that. It seems easy to actively avoid it bc if it triggers me, why keep going back? But IYKYK I guess.

Overall, I'm proud of myself in this front and am trying to extend myself grace here. While these are the goals I set for myself, I always keep more goals in the back of my mind- I know these goals are the "pebbles" that lead to the rocks that lead to the boulders that lead to the mountains, but I always just look at how I'm not even at "the next step" yet.

I also did several daily or general tarot pulls- I like that it forces me to think about how my life or situation can apply to specific archetypes, and as I do that, I do think I uncover some of my unconscious or subconscious thoughts. Overall, that’s been helpful at just sorting through some of my feels and fears and trying to screw my head back on straight.

Interpersonal:

Visit with Best Friend on Saturday if she’s still up for it: this was good! I missed her and glad I got to see her and spend time with her.

Spend some QT with husband: I don't feel like we got ENOUGH QT, but I got some and that is important.

Next Week’s Goals:

Nutrition and hydration: have my average daily phosphorous estimate this week at or above 700mg (that’s the adequate intake), cook two actual dinners, have at least one fruit and veg each day, 19000g water

Movement: yoga of some sort 4 days, cardio 2 days, strength 2 days

Sleep: bedtime before midnight 4x, bedtime before 2 every night

Professional growth: still just get through the work week

Personal growth: daily tarot journaling 4x and month ahead journaling, use my Silk + Sonder for the week

Interpersonal relationships: ask husband if we can start watching our typical night time YouTube again (we always watch a couple shows together, but haven’t for the last few weeks).

[ja-lin]

My thoughts on Immortal Heart Society based on reading 6 episodes of Cassius and 3 episodes of Alanna.

Negative critique, nothing stood out and it plays out like a simple Anime plot where the hero is suddenly thrust into something out of their control and they just go with it. Everything is explained afterwards slowly. Then the hero has to find some special objects, defeat antagonists and so on. On a personal note, I’m not interested in Victorian or historical styles. Which probably also contributed to me getting bored after some episodes.

Also, the outfit on female MC is kinda’ meh, it’s tooooo classy for me. Is it just me, or did anyone else think of Kamila from Choices APP? Lol...anyways, I enjoy more down-to-earth outfits for a contemporary theme MC. Like from Havenfall, or Love & Legends, or Sweet Enchantments, Sin w/ Me, Queen of Thieves, or Villainous Nights ect;

From a personal standpoint, yeah...I couldn’t continue reading cause I got bored of the story plot and didn’t want to waste my tickets I bought with Ezra’s bundle. I’d rather go back and re-read the old routes and use the free daily tickets to finish up Cassius.

Positive comments, the art style isn’t bad and most of the character designs are good besides my critique on the female MC’s clothing choices. The writing is fine to me. I like the designs of the female and male MCs. The music theme is interesting and invokes mystery and exploration. The background art is interesting with the clocks.

Rafe is a very interesting character and I’m looking forward to his route. I think by the time his route comes, the story will be more polished. Cause it’s always difficult to introduce a story with the first 2 LI.

Rafe route when.

Overall conclusion, Time travel has a lot of potential, so it’s an interesting theme, but the series failed to hook me so far. I think I’m just super spoiled by how good Reigning Passions and Queen of Thieves are. It’s goina’ be VERY difficult to top those 2 series. I think those 2 series were the best in the APP. It’s just hard to read anything else that’s not at that level of quality now.

Emilio route is soon, so hopefully his introduction is better.

[kyotakumrau]

2020.05.30 DIR EN GREY SPECIAL TALK - The Freedom of Expression - Kyo and Kaoru - translation

(if you notice any mistakes, typos or can give extra information, it’d be very welcome!^ ^)

J- so from now on we will start The Freedom of Expression. I, Joe Yokomizo, will be the MC. (everyone yoroshikus) J- Kyo, it's been a while! Kyo- Hello! (he turns) J- How are you doing? Kyo- could be better. J- I have a message from Toshiya from last week, 'Have you tried the ramen restaurant I told you about? And if you - as a gourmet/foodie - can recommend me any good shop, please!' So what do you say? Kyo- Actually, I forgot the name of the ramen place. J- Hahahah!! Kyo - so I didn't go yet. But anyway, all shops are closed now. Hm, I can't think of a good shop to recommend. J- I see... How did you arrive in a situation that Toshiya recommended you a ramen place? Kyo- I think we were probably talking about Jiro (famous ramen chain), J- Jiro, yeah. Kyo - And from that talk he told me about a good place. J- I see. There are so many comments crying that you forgot the name of the shop. Kyo - If I had my smartphone with me I'd have saved the name, but I hadn't. 

Kyo(changing topic)- you know, I actually know your voice well. J- Eh? How? Kyo- From the radio. J- Ah? Thank you! Kyo - My tattoo place has the radio tuned to your program, and the timing was right. And I recognized your voice 'oh it's Joe'. While being in pain I was listening to your voice, so your voice has a bad connotation for me. (Joe LOLs) J- That is not my fault you know! XD Kyo- But it has this painful image for me, it's imprinted now. J- (laughing) so when you hear my voice you remember the pain. Kyo - Exactly. Like ' eh that voice again!' Joe LOLs again- so now my voice must be a nightmare for you! Kyo- Yup. I even asked my tattooist, 'do you always listen to this?' and they replied 'yeah' (they laugh a bit more). And that time we talked about many things, but all that talk content and your voice both have the pain attached to it. J- I'm so sorry! XD (the smirks, the laughs XD)

J- Kaoru came once as a guest to my program. Kyo- Yeah, I guess. J- So sometime you could both come as well. Kyo - Ah... (Joe and Kaoru both LOL) J- I can see you really don't want to! Kyo- But you really grill your guests! J- That's true. Kyo- Right? So for me it's 100% NOPE. J- I see. But in that program we often talk about intrigues or hot news. What do you think about those topics? Kyo- Intrigues? I'm quite interested. J- Do you know any recent hot news? Something interesting. Kyo - There are many, but even as I'm really not into youtubers there is only this one that is great, Naokiman show. I'm watching him quite a lot. And I watch many things connected to that, but from youtubers only that person. I even bought his book. Y- I'm also doing The Dave Fromm Channel on TouTube, so maybe you would like to come to take up on some topic? Kyo- I can't see that happening. (Joe laughs at the rejection XD)

Kyo- If you want a crazy talk, talking about aliens, don't we have one among our band members? J (connects the dots)- Ah yeah! Without you saying the name I think I know who you mean somehow. Kyo- From the very beginning he was always very strange. Really. J- In what way? Kyo- I totally cannot imagine his daily life, like his place doesn't feel like a place where someone lives, it's hard to explain properly. J- I see. Kaoru, you keep nodding, do you think so too? Kaoru- You could feel it two weeks ago, right? His house. J- Yeah it didn't feel like a proper lived-in place. But for example after you finish a concert is there anything human-like about him? There must be some anecdotes, where he is human-like. Kyo- But there's really nothing like that. (Joe laughs) Kyo- For real.

Kaoru- What was it, when we visited him and a fax came and he ATE it. (Kyo and Joe ROTFL and clap) Kaoru- It's a real story. Was it me or Toshiya?  We were at his home, a fax came in and started coming out so he grabbed it and ate it. J- That's really something. In the comments I can see many 'a goat!' (=eats paper). You get some information or announcements with faxes, right? So it's definitely not a good idea to eat them. An urban legend story. But Kyo, is there no heart warming stories about him? He's probably watching today. Kaoru- but he usually says not to talk about him. Joe laughs- Well, all of you have their own space. (?)

Kyo- But I really don't have any warm story about him. You know we don't really talk among ourselves. But fe when we are abroad we would do talk like 'how many more shows left' or 'today this part was good' and so on. But with him I haven't talked even once. J- Really?! lol Kyo- Really! He doesn't talk to me, if I say something to him he will reply, but isn't it sad for me? If I don't ask him he will never talk to me. It's like I'm being played with. Even as I wait for him to approach me first it hasn't happened for 20 years. J-I see.

Kyo- But he seems to be really into board games. J- Oh ok. Kyo- He's collecting board games from around the world. J- I've also heard about it. Kyo- Recently there's a TV show (?) about various board games, I've only seen that, but thinking he has a lot of that at home is kinda gross. (??) Kyo- He doesn't invite us, but he plays board games with other people. J- Well, he can't play alone. Kyo- Yeah, but I would like him to return some of that energy towards DIR EN GREY. J-I see. Kyo- And to occasionally ask me 'how was the show today?' or to say 'you sang well today' or even say 'Kaoru, you did well today'. (Kaoru laughs) Kyo- Wouldn't it be good? Kaoru- But if it would actually happen I'd just be 'what the hell????? (all ROTFL) What's wrong with him?' J- It would actually make you worried. Kaoru- I'd be surprised. J- If he did it when you can play shows again, you'd know he was watching today. Kyo- But shouldn't that be something normal? It's about why him saying that would be so weird. J- Because you really didn't talk at all until now. Kyo- He really only does riddles. Kaoru- When we all join a chat (about work) and someone asks for his opinion, he only replies 'that's good'. The end. (bad connection time)

J- But then, Kyo, if you had to do a live stream with him, without any MC, could you? There was a comment like this. Kyo- Wouldn't that be favourable for him? Kaoru- I can see that. And you'd get hurt/make look funny. Kyo- Yeah, He would just stay quiet, you ask him something and only get a one word answer. J- Okay, I see it now. So there would be no proper conversation. Kyo- How about you invite him to your program? I could listen to you both when getting tattooed J- I think it would double or tripple the  tattooing pain. Kyo- I think it'd make me numb, the pain. J- So I should invite Shinya as a guest once as an experiment to see how much it could numb Kyo's pain. Kaoru- It'd be interesting.

J- There are many comments asking for more details of the Nichome story. Toshiya told us about is last week. Kyo- Nichome?? J- Nichome, you were drinking in Shinjuku and after someone started talking to you, a couple from Nichome. Kyo- All members went that time? J- I think Toshiya said it was only you and him. Kyo- I really don't remember. I don't go to Nichome. And we don't go drinking together. Kaoru- Studio was still... J- Ah right! He said you were going back from the studio. Yeah, you were recording, on your way back two of you were approached [by a gay couple]. Kyo- ???huh? J- In comments everyone says it was in Gyoenmae. Kyo- at the park, there were two men, I think, sitting there, and while laughing they start waving their hands to us, and scared we run away - this story I think? J- Did you remember? Kyo- Slightly. J- Why were you together that time? Kyo- I really can't remember. Wasn't that over 20 years ago? J- That long ago? Then isn't it surprising how well Toshiya remembered that? Kyo- Because he got so scared? Kaoru- Around that time, I often walked near the park there going to the recording. I remember once there was a huge old guy dressed up as a white lolita, with an umbrella even as there were no rain. I also run away. J- Around there you can meet many unique people. 

J- Kyo, how about any anecdotes about Die? Kyo- Ah but I don't drink so we didn't go out together. J- oh. Kyo- About Die - Once when we finished the show I remember he was really angry. When we were touring abroad and we finished the show, he was so angry. That happened few times, I asked other people what happened but no one knew. Was it about his own playing, something about the band, I wasn't sure. J- Why was he angry. Kyo- Yeah. J- That time did you ask him? Kyo - I didn't wanted to ask in case it was my fault. J- Kaoru, have you seen Die getting angry? Kaoru- I have. (different air about him?)

J- Well, when you tour so much there are things you're just not happy about. That's the real charm of live shows. Kyo- When we go abroad, the sound is all jumbled, during the show PA will go somewhere, the lights will act strangely, and I always have huge problems with my ear monitor. J- The real problems. So how do you deal with problems like that abroad? Kyo- You just give up. Being bothered by it all the time would be worse, I'd just take the monitor out, to not get hit by it harder. J- It's better without it, than be annoyed by it. Kyo- I'd hear clicks and snares all the time, if I focus on that I won't be able to enjoy the show. But when it gets bad it's really bad. J- When you deal these kind of conditions, do the shows turn out well? Many times it depends on the audience. (to get a miraculous moment, everyone says it was not good ??) How can you finish the concert? Kaoru- But on the contrary, at the times I felt it wasn't good I got told it was great, and when I thought we did great I get very meh reactions. J- What do you think, Kyo? Kyo- Same. J- So what are your ....conditions for a good show? Kaoru- when I don't remember the song, I just play without thinking. J- So you just follow your instinct, trust the music. How about you, Kyo? Kyo- For me it's the same. It's better not to overthink it. J- But vocalists have it tough, after singing your throat might end up in various condition, what happens if you suddenly lose it? Kyo- I don't really know myself. ...But there was a time I really couldn't make any sound, was it Gunma? I couldn't even speak. But the show that time was amazing. But them there were times when I could really sing well but it did't really connect with the audience emotionally. So I don't think it depends on how well I'm singing. J- To reach the audience is not only about sounding perfect.

(lastly, Joe asked for questions and comments for the last part)

[bywordofaphrodite]

Book Reviews 1 & 2: The Enchanted Wood and Adventures of the Wishing Chair by Enid Blyton

This review’s theme is magical children’s fiction ! Audience age range: early childhood !

Fun fact about me: I have fairy tales running through my head most hours of the day.

Magical lands and whimsical characters run freely through my mind any minute I have to spare, or even the ones I don’t. It has always been this way for me, whether in school, university or at work- when I am meant to be working on assignments or attending to patients in the hospital I work at- and Enid Blyton’s stories played a part in this, so it seems fitting I discuss her writing for my first post.

When faced with choosing a project for myself this semester, it was actually the memory of Enid Blyton’s novels that prompted me to decide to write book reviews of childhood favourites. I’d forgotten her name at first, and all that remained was an illustration of blue jelly and a boy with silver hair… and the name of the artist who illustrated my copies of the series: Georgina Hargreaves. One google search was all it took to remember it all! Then I ordered all three Magic Faraway Tree books and the Wishing Chair ones in the exact editions I had as a child, because I have no impulse control whatsoever.

Nostalgic review

Rating: ★★★★★

For my nostalgic review- otherwise known as my thoughts on these novels purely as I remember them from childhood- I’m giving five stars. They meant everything to me as a kid, and I reread them more than any other books I owned. I would choose a chapter before bed and travel into the magic lands at the top of the tree along with the main characters, exploring whatever good, evil or downright silliness happened to be up there at the time (and then stay there for a good few hours past my bedtime using the light under my door to squint at the pages and destroy my already dreadful vision just a little more for good measure. Sleep schedule who?)

I easily favoured the Magic Faraway Tree books over the Wishing Chair ones, though I loved them both dearly. I’m going to assume the reason behind this was because I preferred the tree to the chair, as- aside from Jo- I don’t recall ever having an affinity for any particular child amongst the main characters. I do also remember a great deal more of the goings on in the lands above the tree than I can the adventures in the chair, so it seems fair to say I read one a lot more than the other.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, these books cemented who I wanted to be when I grew up: a writer- a published author, to be specific- and an artist. Not just these two series, but anything Blyton wrote- her teen detective and boarding school series being notable favourites of mine. As detrimental as this dream has been to my family’s wish for me to become a lawyer, I must insist that everyone blame Enid Blyton for this and not me!

The Enchanted Wood Review

Post-read: ★★★

Synopsis: three children move from the city to a small country house with a forest out the back which they later come to know as the Enchanted Wood. There they come across a giant magical tree known as the Faraway Tree, where they befriend the many magical creatures living inside the tree, and explore the lands that settle above the tree every day.

Okay so! First up, I finished it so quickly. I’ve always been a very fast reader but even so I expected it would take several hours to read… it took roughly an hour despite minor interruptions by my siblings, so it’s very simplistic and easy to read. However… this level of simplistic is not, in this case, a good thing, at least in my opinion. I’ll elaborate on this further toward the end of this post, but the best word I can think of to describe the writing is ‘stunted’.

I read a few articles to see others’ thoughts on the novels, and one review stood out as being critical in multiple ways, some of which I agree and some I don’t really care about. I’ll link it here.

This review reflected a lot of the same points I considered upon rereading the books. Charming points: google buns and the Land of Birthdays; weak points: repetitive and a bit too holier than thou in the attempt to teach ‘lessons’. In terms of Flood’s (the review author) criticism, the renaming of the children from Jo, Bessie and Fanny to Joe, Beth and Frannie in new copies does not really bother me, although my own editions have the original names (the change of the children’s cousin from Dick to Rick was a wise choice, though Rick is an ugly name as well, but I digress). As with many modern changes to old novels, older generations criticise ‘politically correct’ motives, and Flood does exactly so here- miffed at the decision to rename one of the recurring Faraway Tree villains from ‘Dame Slap’ to ‘Dame Snap’. Flood likens the character’s previous habit of slapping naughty children to the witch in Hansel and Gretel locking children in cages, (I would think the cannibal element of this tale would reinforce the comparison more but maybe that’s just me???) asking why, if that fairy-tale hasn’t been changed, should Dame Slap have to adhere to modern discipline? Personally I’m mostly unconcerned with this either way, though Flood makes an interesting point. The woman is a villain either way, so a little clip over the ears is likely to properly drive the point home in my opinion, anyway.

And before I move on from this review, Flood’s hot take on the Saucepan Man is 100% on the ball- why was a grown, non-magical man walking around strung up with pots and pans all over himself and hanging out with a group of children? To be sure, he was not in his right mind, so I’ll shift the question to the parents here, who were fully aware that their children were spending time in the woods with this man. Very odd business indeed.

Characters who aged well: Most of the main characters remained likable to me. Jo was always my favourite as a kid, and he remains so- his impatience provides some comedic quotes and he never leaves his younger sisters behind on adventures, unlike many male characters in Blyton’s novels (I am looking DIRECTLY at you, Famous Five boys). He also doesn’t belittle his sisters at any point, even when they’re frightened, which is another thing that irked me about many of Blyton’s male characters. Using only the first book of the series for this review means that it’s possible that Bessie and Fanny are more prominent characters in the other books, but in this one it felt very much centred around Jo than I remembered- they are likable but don’t really do too much aside from Fanny’s banger of a birthday party which I’m rather jealous of. Upon rereading I like Moonface a lot more, but that’s probably because I resented my grandmother calling me ‘Moonface’ (I’m aware I have a round face, I do not need to be reminded of my eternal struggles on the daily). Silky is still a queen in my eyes- pretty, feminine, funny, kind and best of all a fairy. No flaws at all, I love her. In retrospect, Silky is equally my favourite alongside Jo.

Characters who aged badly (to me): as aforementioned… the Saucepan Man. To be fair, I never cared for him in the first place, and the same goes for his best friend Mr. Watzisname because he was downright maddening. Also, Dame Washalot can drown in her own washing. She managed to annoy me more than Dame Slap… at least Dame Slap was entertaining.

Favourite scene/quote: “‘Fishing!’ said Jo, in disgust. ‘Who wants to go fishing in the middle of a birthday party? Let’s get back at once.’”

This quote sounds so mundane but in context I just find his tone very amusing- Jo is always exasperated and impatient so his perpetual annoyance with everyone’s nonsense is relatable and funny. Furthermore, he says this during my favourite scene in the final chapter where they all travel to the Land of Birthdays for Bessie’s birthday. Bessie invites everyone living in the Faraway Tree to her party, which is essentially formed up in the land above the tree. Upon arrival, everyone can go into a small house with fancy dress costumes and choose anything they like, and then choose a table in the middle of a field. The table is set with cutlery and plates, and from there you must ‘wish your own tea’, as Silky says, which fills the table with jellies, lemonade, chocolate blancmange and other party food. Best of all is the birthday cake- also known as wishing cake- which grants a wish to anyone who eats it. Unfortunately, the Saucepan Man’s poor hearing ends up turning ‘wish’ to ‘fish’, and Fanny has to waste her own wish to get them back to the party, hence Jo’s vexation. The ending is very sweet though, with Moonface gifting his wish to Fanny and all of them happily going home. It was a lovely way to end the first book in the series.

Adventures of the Wishing Chair Review

Post-read: ★★

Synopsis: two children discover a magical chair with wings in an antique shop that leads to a host of new adventures and a new pixie friend they rescue along the way.

Like I said earlier, I preferred the Faraway Tree series to the Wishing Chair and that remains the same. The concept of lands coming to the top of a tree- and choosing whether to go up there or not- is more my style, and if the weather is bad you can just stay home, while the chair you just have to go with it. The Faraway Tree itself is also really wonderful, with all the interesting houses and shops inside it, and especially Moonface’s slippery-slip. On the contrary, the main location for the Wishing Chair series is the children’s playing room, and the chair itself is an utter menace. The villains are more irritating in this series- which is their job, I get it- but the children themselves aren’t quite as likable as Jo, Bessie and Fanny either. Mollie and Peter argue plenty and can be very selfish and silly at times, which is realistic, sure, but that doesn’t make them any less meh. The other main character is a pixie called Chinky (yes, I’ll get to this soon) who they rescue from slavery in a giant’s castle, and my opinion on him varies between chapters. There are some really cool places they go to and the illustrations make reading this more enjoyable despite the hasty writing and relatively flat characters.

Characters who aged well: ???? I mean… Mollie and Peter aren’t exactly my favourite children ever but they’re not too bad. My main criticism would have to be that there isn’t really anything defining about their personalities; to a degree I would say they are just a whinier version of Jo, Bessie and Fanny. I don’t think Enid bothered too much about changing base character traits in her stories, to be honest. There are a few characters like Witch Snippit and the Windy Wizard who help Mollie and Peter when troubles arise, but as the adventures always begin with the chair in the children’s playroom there aren’t really many magical recurring characters to properly consider.

Characters who aged badly: the children’s MOTHER. She is beyond irritating in certain chapters- like when she decides to take the wishing chair to her own lounge room simply because she likes it, even though the children themselves bought it and expressed how much they love it. Plenty of parents do this in real life and it is just as annoying in fiction. Secondly, the wishing-chair. Magical chair that grows wings and can fly to magical lands is cool, yes? Sure, except when it has mood swings and randomly decides to fly through storms or simply land in the sea for no reason I can think of. This is a very petty chair… yet I know I would keep it anyway so I can’t complain too much. I’m going to add Chinky here too, and not because he got saddled with a slur for a name- he gets fired up about minor things way too quickly and causes drama for no good reason, though perhaps I should cut him some slack after his time spent in forced servitude. Also, he makes a few sexist comments to Mollie so maybe the giant had a point after all.

Favourite scene/quote: ‘One rabbit turned upside down and danced on its ears, and that made Peter laugh so much that he had to get out his handkerchief to wipe his tears of laughter away.’

Peter being this happy just made me happy. This quote is from my favourite scene, when the children fly with some elves to attend a magician’s party. There is no villain to be seen, and the room is filled with classic Blyton details of top tier food like cream buns and blancmange, and beautiful birds that sing sweetly before flying freely. The magician has dancing cats appear, and ‘six plump rabbits’ that dance while the cats play violin. Finally, the magician gifts everybody a tiny egg he tells them will hatch later. When they arrive home, Peter’s hatches to reveal a tiny silver watch and Mollie gets a necklace of beads that look ‘exactly like bubbles’. This always sounded so pretty to me, and I had a necklace from my mum that looked exactly as Mollie’s was described, so I’ve always remembered this scene very well.

Overall verdict:

I’m torn. I love parts of these books so much, I love the nostalgia surrounding them, and yet I must admit that without a childhood connection it would difficult for a new reader to enjoy, and probably not the first choice in a bed time story to read to children nowadays. I think for me, I like having these books back on my shelf again, and I like knowing I can go back to read my favourite chapters whenever I want, despite the criticisms I have. In a way, I like knowing I am capable of recognising the books’ faults while still appreciating the good parts of them. I do not regret buying these books again- in fact looking at the artwork and reading the words has inspired me to get to work on my own plan to write a book of fairy tales (with the representation I would’ve loved to see alongside the magic as a child, and minus the problematic details).

With this in mind:

- Blyton’s writing skills… are sorely lacking. Her sentences are stunted and sometimes she changes locations so hastily within one small paragraph that if you so much as skim over one sentence you’ll find yourself in another land entirely (haha). I am wholly aware these books are intended for children but I have read other novels for that age group that have been well-written, so my criticism stands.

- I should just rewrite the books myself. I don’t care if this sounds arrogant, I know I could make the stories more compelling with a few tweaks to, say, writing skills, story structure, making better use of the amazing concepts, fleshing out the characters more, etc. (again I’m aware they’re children’s books)

- Enid Blyton herself was not a very nice person, and her own daughter criticised her writing for being emotionally immature and seeing things as ‘black and white’. Anyone who has read her other novels knows that she was very racist- ‘gypsies’ managing to be the villain in most of her teen detective stories, amongst other issues, so Chinky the pixie is not exactly a surprise appearance. It was Chinky, in fact, who first alerted me to racial slurs. As someone with partially Asian heritage at an almost completely white school, it took me asking my (rightfully) concerned father what ‘chink’ meant when some kids started calling me by the word in school… I then connected this to Blyton’s pixie and to this day am morbidly entertained by this unfortunate memory. I’ll link the article here, in case of any further curiosity about Blyton.

In the Faraway Tree series review I linked earlier, the writer said of the books, ‘it’s an odd feeling, finding the classics of your childhood don’t really stack up’. In many ways, I feel the same. Is it all nostalgia, after all? Yes and no. Having such a balanced opinion on an old favourite is likely healthier than clinging to past memories, anyway. With all of these thoughts jumbling through my mind, it’s possible that my rating of these novels changes depending on my mood- and more importantly, which chapters I read. Perhaps the fact that my favourite chapters are all devoid of confrontation is something a therapist would suggest looking into, but you know what? It’s fiction. If I have to get my happy endings in books alone then so be it!

[amphtaminedreams]

Spring/Summer & Haute Couture Week 2021: Whoops, I’ve Missed a Loooot (Part 2)

Hey to anyone reading,

I’m so sorry for the gap between the last fashion week review post and this one! Argh. I had no idea I posted it as long ago as the beginning of March but I think we can all agree that lockdown has fucked with our perceptions of time completely. I wish I could say the delay in posting was as simple as me being busy but I’ve also started to reflect on whether or not I want to carry on this format of posts for the time being; on the scale of problems, this one is wayyy down there in the very lower quartile of the first world region, but my motivation to carry on this kind of content in the form of long-winded text posts is...meh...not so much there anymore. At first I was thinking the issue was that working on these was my last priority on my daily to-do lists but as I’ve got back into writing fiction, it’s kind of occurred to me that the fact I was putting these posts on my to-do lists in the first place along with things like doing the ironing and contacting student finance speaks volumes. When I’m back from work or winding down, opening up Tumblr and coming back to this draft isn’t something that I think of as a fun stress reliever in the way drafting stories is. It doesn’t feel like I’m using my imagination or my creativity or expressing myself in any way and it’s not much of an escape from day to day life in the way that writing dialogue or exploring characters is. Maybe it’s because I’ve done quite a few of these posts now but I just tend to feel like I’m repeating myself, you know kinda like when you’re writing an essay and trying to fill up a word count; of course there are collections that I do have a lot of opinions on but by and large, sometimes it boils down to THESE CLOTHES ARE JUST FUCKING PRETTY, OKAY?! There’s only so many things you can say about a tulle skirt or an exaggerated collar before you want to strangle yourself with said tulle. I used to think iF VoGUe RuNwaY wRitErs CaN dO iT WhAT's MY exCusE until I realised that 1). Vogue Runway writers actually get paid and 2). for the most part all they do is explain the designer's intentions behind the collections verbatim without giving a critical opinion anyway.

I think a lot of the pressure I feel to justify what are in reality quite simple observations and opinions goes back to some of the feelings I explained in my first ever fashion week review where people who know more about fashion and have a formal education in the subject tend to be kind of gatekeep-y and elitist. It can never be that you appreciate different things about a collection but rather than one of you has taste and the other doesn’t and if it wasn’t obvious, the taste level assigned to you by the powers that be tend to positively correlate with the amount of money you have available to spend on a degree that has a reputation for failing to provide a steady income, which for most makes it an unrealistic avenue to pursue. I know, I know, the pressure is totally self-inflicted and wholly imagined seeing as I have under 500 followers on here and those who do interact with these posts most likely do so for the pictures but I still feel it, and given that I’m going to have enough external pressure to write essays when I return to uni in September, why on earth am I wasting time putting it on myself? When just posting photosets of my favourite looks is not only actually enjoyable for me but is also what other people WANT to see too? Nobody wants to read a self-indulgent paragraph like this when they’re here for the clothes and to be honest, for the most part I don’t want to write them anyway unless it’s something I have strong feelings about or if a collection can only be properly appreciated with analysis. I think I’ve made pretty clear which designers I’m a fan of, do you really need to hear me raving about Gucci or Zimmerman or Miu Miu or Balenciaga again? Is there gonna be anything revolutionary in yet another rant about Maria Grazia? Course not. I mean, if you are reading, you might have to witness those things one last time because I do intend to finish off this season’s review in this format for consistency purposes and because I’ve already got all the notes now but on the whole, I doubt anyone will miss my rambles.

So, with all that in mind, I think after I finish my S/S21 posts I am gonna start just uploading these posts without the written part. I mean, for one, the simplicity of doing this means I’m much less likely to procrastinate making them which in turn means I’ll be able to get them out right after the shows as a kind of summary as opposed to months later when they’re no longer as relevant. This will also give me more time to work on the writing I actually enjoy. Right now I’m going through and editing my 17 year old self’s “grown-up” take on the Pretty Little Liars blackmail murder mystery style plot line which I wrote back when I was completely and utterly obsessed with the show and bitterly disappointed by the last couple of seasons. The writing is pretty mediocre and often hugely cringey to read back now but I am still a fan of the basic plot and I’m genuinely motivated to see if I can make it something actually worth reading, and to get onto that ASAP; this feels especially important right now given that the HBO version of the series’ apparent upcoming release has sent that ever-present writer’s fear of seeing-your-same-storyline-done-better-by-somebody-else-thus-forever-relegating-your-version-to-being-the-poor-imitation-so-you-gotta-get-there-first into overdrive (or maybe that’s just me and my neuroses). Again, it’s a totally unfounded fear based on the fact that the HBO show will probs get millions of viewers whilst I will be doing little more than shouting into the void but anybody who’s used Turnitin to submit an essay that ultimately counts for little more than like 1% of your grade or degree will know that no matter how irrelevant your work is, the concept of failing a plagiarism check, be it via a computer algorithm or one random stranger on the internet’s assessment, is enough to conjure visions of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse galloping towards you screaming “START THE WHOLE THING AGAIN” before releasing a hoarde of 2015 Chanel vs. Walmart style comparison memes.

Now, speaking of Chanel, I should probably get back into the reviewing. 

So for the last time for a little while, here’s Christian Siriano:

Siriano’s designs are a great example of work I feel guilty enjoying. I know that when it comes to quality, the high fashion community have a lot of (negative) things to say and I really can’t speak to that because quite honestly, I know very little about textile manufacturing. Solely from my own point of view though, I do like his work a lot. I wouldn’t claim for a minute that he’s a pioneer in terms of his creations but I would 100% love to wear them and I DO hugely admire his commitment to putting women of all sizes on the runway and designing pieces that don’t simply cater to straight up and down types which is more than can be said for most brands. I get that his collections are pretty formulaic, taking what has worked for the likes of Chanel and Alessandra Rich, De La Renta and Carolina Herrera, Michael Kors too (who is kind of guilty of the same thing himself), but that’s not to say his work is bad. Let’s be real, we’ve been on this planet thousands of years, we’re all taking inspiration from someone, and maybe figures like Kors and Siriano could wait a *little* longer before taking said inspiration but their aim at the end of the day is to sell clothes, not break barriers, a task which although often left to the big name brands, they too often fail at. I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling this whimsical mid-century tea party vibe, it’s elegant and it’s cutesy and My Fair Lady-esque, and you bet your arse I would be absolutely thrilled to wear one of these looks on a summer red carpet. I just can’t say no to anything tulle-maybe it’s that I was on Toddlers & Tiaras in a past life or maybe it’s that I watched too many Barbie Princess films growing up, but I like pretty much everything going on here, especially Siriano is giving us matching fedoras too. Plus, can we take a moment to praise Siriano for his COVID relief efforts? Near the beginning of the pandemic, he turned his studio into a mask manufacturing factory in order to send them out as donations, and I think that is very cool.

Then there’s Christopher Kane who once again came through with the most insanely gorgeous prints:

I mean, paint splattering is hardly a new technique but I haven’t seen it done as a print so tastefully before-it eats the Moschino biro scribble print (which apparently was copied too speaking of the tendencies of designers to “borrow” inspiration) for breakfast. It’s shit because there weren’t many looks in this collection and they weren’t really shot in a way that does them any justice but I thought I’d include the few I saved.

Comme Des Garcons is a fave of the high fashion community and one I look forward to seeing at fashion week but can never quite get behind. I appreciate the what-the-fuckery of it all with this show totally being able to pass as a run-through of some kind of nuclear waste themed scare house at one of Thorpe Park’s fright nights. I assume given that and the plastic Mickey Mouse print it’s supposed to be some kind of reference to the part late-stage capitalism has played in the hellish landscape we find ourselves in today? Or something all intellectual? In which case I made my interpretation with farrrr too much confidence. But Anyway! Who knows! I’ll leave the analysis to the fashion students, and give it one word: trippy.

Onto Dion Lee, a brand I truly do get excited to talk about because it’s rare that I don’t LOVE his work.

Without fail, Lee manages to be confidently ahead of the curve without going out of his way to announce it and his genius to everyone with flamboyant shows and exaggerated designs and extortionate prices. He is very much an underdog in the fashion world in terms of big names but you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn’t love his collections. His S/S21 collection is one of my favourites of the bunch. I love seeing something I’ve never seen before and the palm leaf breast plate is so odd but so cool and so perfectly Dion Lee at the same time; we’ve seen jungle/tropical inspired collections sooo many times *cough cough D&G cough cough* and THIS is how you make them fresh and unique. I mean, never in a million years did I think I’d get behind the resurgence of the gladiator sandal trend but Lee has me changing my mind. This is one of the very rare times you will ever see me using this meme to praise a man but:

I mean, he has Fernanda Ly modelling for him, that the man has taste goes without saying.

Now for a bit of a full circle moment, given that I did actually praise Dior’s haute couture collection in my first ever post; Maria Grazia did GOOD. Well, with haute couture at least.

She’s always pretty hamfisted with her references, there’s no denying, with that Grecian Goddess style RTW collection typifying that statement completely, but luckily she struck gold this time round; as someone who studied the Tudors for A-level history, seeing a modern take on the exaggeratedly feminine renaissance silhouettes with the baroque prints and the deep jewell tones got me super excited especially when you throw in the dreamy tarot theming and the nods to the mystical and arcane. Seeing as the Heavenly Bodies Met Gala (I know, I know, I need to move on) was some time ago now and Cersei Lannister’s *SPOILER* been crushed by a rock (could also be seen as a metaphor for the irrelevancy David Benioff and D.B Wise condemned GoT to when they aired that shitty ending tehe) and so probably won’t be getting a collection based on her costumes any time soon, this is the only fashion take on this kind of period dress I’m going to get…and you know what? I’m okay with that. Thanks Maria, I guess?

Her RTW collection wasn’t absolutely awful either, and slightly better than the past few collections at least. Put a monkey in a room with a typewriter (or show it enough similar well-received collections) and it will eventually write something that makes sense, don’t they say? I like the nomadic feel of a lot of the looks and there’s beautiful layering going on but the aura of exotic opulence unsurprisingly didn’t stick around for long and I found that there was a decline in quality in the midsection of the show that landed a lot of the outfits in either awkward mother of the bride at a beach wedding or The Only Way is Essex Ocean Beach PLT sponsored poolside party territory. The looks picked back up a bit towards the end stretch of the show but I wasn’t a fan of the Gucci style oversized glasses which were so out of place with the rest of the theming that if anything they seemed like a cheap grab at relevancy. So yeah, a middling, subpar Etro-esque collection which is better than usual for Dior I suppose.

Next, Elie Saab, whose S/S21 collection was kinda disappointing, tbh. Oh how the turns have tabled given that positive Dior review and my usual love of Saab’s collections.

I know his dresses lose some of their appeal when we can’t see them in motion but even ON the runway I can’t see myself being dazzled by any of these pieces the way I usually am. They’re lacking the level of detail and craftsmanship I associate with the brand seemingly in favour of block colours and suits and the issue is that the whole Disney Princess fantasy has always been the appeal for me because the silhouettes aren’t interesting enough on their own. They’re not ugly pieces, they’re nice, but does nice really have a place in high fashion when the pieces are so basic in both their design and presentation that the shots could pass as ripped from a catalogue? The strongest parts of the collection were when it did go down the more delicate route with the muted blue suits and the white feather trimmed dresses, the small, ornamental gold details reminding me of a very toned down nod to Schiaparelli’s hardware, but with regards to the bright coloured pieces, I can’t lie-they did look like something you could find in the M&S Per Una holiday section. Then you’ve got the weakest parts, which were just flat out ugly: sheer giraffe print, sweat band style elasticated waits, and long chiffon shirts that I hate to admit read as frumpy. There are times where I’ve not been particularly excited by an Elie Saab collection in the past, but I do think this is the first time I’ve actively disliked parts of it.

Conversely, Erdem’s S/S21 collection was super strong, and solidified the brand’s place in my mind as a dependable source of kooky maximalism, this time round giving us  Anya Taylor Joy’s Emma wardrobe on speed. You could tell me Erdem Moralıoğlu had just raided the Bridgerton set’s fitting rooms and put it on a runway and I would 100% believe you and I mean that in a positive way because to give my unpopular opinion, the clothes were the only good thing about that show. The endearingly florid details of exaggerated bows and clashing florals were still there but this time in a way that felt more subtle and self-assured, as if the calming influence of the wooded set’d had a direct hand in the designs, giving the rugged, ethereal feel to the collection I associate with brands like Brock and Simone Rocha, all whilst keeping the parts of Erdem I’m so fond of.

Is it really much of a shock that I included pretty much every look from the Etro S/S21 show?  Like, you know that Christian idea of God, like, (the voice in my head is very much taking on the dumb valley girl voice that anybody who reads this is most probably getting too) knowing our souls? I think Veronica Etro knows mine. So no, no surprise. Though there were a few unconventional touches thrown into these looks (the campier prints and nautical theming we see with the 80s beach towel print, for example, reminded me a bit of Versace) the mystical bohemian it girl that Etro designs for would still be highly satisfied. Sure, it might be a wardrobe fit for a holiday less adventurous than backpacking but if she wanted a tropical poolside holiday, this collection is the one, the paisley print chiffon mini and maxi dresses especially. I’m just gonna pretend I don’t see the monstrosity that is leggings worn as trousers-it’s a fashion rule I refuse to abandon-because they are the only stain on an otherwise expectedly gorgeous collection.

Next, an unusually reserved RTW collection from Fendi:

More in line with the wardrobe of a European fashion editor than the glamorous trophy wife (who let’s say uses that facade as a guise to ruthlessly run her husband’s whole business empire from behind the scenes because in this house we do complex female characters only), these pieces are lot “smarter” and more professional looking than Fendi’s typical offerings; where I feel Fendi usually designs for the society girl who wouldn’t mind a front page scandal, these are the kind of outfits a young member of Monaco’s royal family would wear for a positively received but business-as-usual press tour. I know, Fendi is an Italian brand, but this is more Southern France to me. We’re talking some 2nd page shots of a Kate Middleton type on a yacht on the Riviera smiling and waving as her PR team’s ideal scenario. Still, whilst fewer exaggerated silhouettes, animal prints and overtly luxurious fabrics (real leathers, silks and furs for example) mean that the drama’s a little toned down, it’s all still very expensive looking and combines the classically feminine glamour of the past and the minimalism of modernity in the artful manner that we’re used to. Maybe it’s me being a basic bitch but I always love seeing Ashley Graham on the runway too, even if brands to tend to use her as their single token plus size model.

Kim Jones’ debut haute couture collection for Fendi, however, wasn’t a very well received one. I don’t hate it personally but I can see where the criticisms are coming from. Whilst it’s closer to the version of Fendi I’ve come to expect and there were some stunning pieces which completely encapsulated that distinctive aura of luxe and glamour, there were quite a few lazy pieces which could’ve been from any designer. I also felt the collection was a bit upstaged by what seemed to be a who’s who of the modelling world; having Bella, Cara, Kate and Naomi ALL walk in one show was a bit distracting and took the focus off the clothes completely.

Giambattista Valli’s RTW collection was gorgeous as ever; the man has undeniably mastered the art of delivering classic, objective elegance, the kind of designs I feel would make you light on your feet and smell like strawberries and cream the minute you put one on. Whilst as a brand his RTW shows are rarely trendsetting, they reliably produce a plethora of unfailingly graceful and demure pieces, as appealing to your mum and your grandma as they are to young women and little girls, and this collection is another victory lap for Valli when it comes to upholding his signature tea party and artisan cupcake making and rose garden strolling and bottomless rosé brunch appropriate aesthetic. There were a lot of outfits that were bordering on overly juvenile, with structures a little too basic to justify the amount of sequins thrown on, but when it’s good, it’s so sweet that regardless of how to formula it is, I can’t help but fall in love.

Valli’s haute couture collection was stunning too and for sure a more exciting offering than the RTW. There was of course a lot of the signature tulle but it was head-turning, over the top in a way that leant far more towards the experimental than I expected. The photos themselves are 100% believable as a some kind of Vogue behind the scenes editorial shoot on the set of live action Disney princess movie (in between takes of the climactic ball scene if you wanna get specific with the vision); if you are looking for a prettier alternative to the primary colours and disruptive shapes of a Molly Goddard collection, this is the one. It’s giving the themes of excess and abundance I associate with that of the Hunger Games Capitol but through the softer lens of a Sofia Coppola movie, and being the typical cinema loving white girl I am, I’m obviously on board with that vibe.

I did SUCH a 180 on Givency’s S/S21 collection from when I first saw it to writing a review. My initial reaction was one of disappointment, I guess simply because Givenchy has given us so many bold pieces and presentations over the last few years whereas this is more low-key. After properly considering it though as I would any other brand, I came to the conclusion that I do actually really like it. It’s still got the strange, androgynous silhouettes popping up throughout and the futuristic space-age details but with a more down-to-earth, streetwear feel, albeit a very slick, glossy spin on the trends of the rabble (that’s us guys) of course before we go believing it’s achievable. On the one hand, the devil horn accents are a touch Claire’s accessories halloween range but at the same time, done with confidence they’re kind of cool and bring something new and fun to the table in line with the dark theatre of Givenchy’s last few shows.

Now for Gucci, which for the first time I have to say, if I'm attempting objectivity, is not a standout. 

Like, can I just start by saying though the format it’s presented in is cute, it’s not ideal as a way of actually showing the collection. I get that the vintage shop bin vibe is a huge part of Gucci’s brand but polaroids make it SO hard to actually see the clothes, and that’s what we’re here for right? I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t like what I see here-the clothes are gorgeous, an idyllic ode to the off-duty wardrobes of Studio 54-ers, bohemian style icons like Charlotte Rampling and young Olivia Newton-John, psychedelic rock guitarists and the inhabitants of San Fransisco’s Haight during the late 60s and early 70s, Alessandro Michele’s favourite period of reference. I can’t pretend otherwise, or act like I wouldn’t want to wear the shit out of this collection. Buut, for Gucci? It’s a little underwhelming. These are the kind of filler looks we get in a typical Gucci show to go alongside the more statement pieces, which this collection is lacking. It’s just that these are designs which usually gets people talking and these pieces don’t do that. It sucks because for most other brands this would be a stand out collection, an immersive, luscious vignette of what people tend to think of as a cultural golden era, but when you’ve had a show that involved models carrying replicas of their own decapitated heads down the runway in the last 5 years, of course something more toned down like this is gonna generate a lot of “is that it?”s.

I owe Hermes an apology. Looking back, I have disliked all their previous collections for the same reason that I now really like this one; maybe it’s in part down to the frustration of still having to whack out the winter coat on occasion in May (fuck British weather and climate change), but suddenly I really appreciate the value of some good quality, versatile outerwear. Hermes is giving us that in spades here and for that, I bow down to them. The pieces on offer are clearly well-made and genuinely practical, and through the minimalist approach manage to retain both an air of timeless sophistication whilst also being youthful and on trend. The leather tactical vest co-ord I can easily see edged up and taking centre stage on one of those insane Seoul street style slow-mo TikToks that were big a couple of months ago and there are several pieces that could tie together a grunge influenced k-style look just as well as they could exist for years on end as the wardrobe staple of a high-powered businesswoman. Designer Nadège Vanhee-Cybulski’s strengths really come through with the simpler looks and it’s the patterned pieces that drag down an otherwise flawless collection; I guess because the aesthetic is very minimalist, the patterns can’t be anything overly decorative but unfortunately this has a bit of a dowdy effect when you pair it with such modest silhouettes. Disregarding those elements of the collection though, it was super good.

It goes without saying that Iris Van Herpen’s haute couture collection was breathtaking; if the fashion community can agree on anything, it’s that this woman’s work is consistently awe-inspiring. She captures the wonder of the universe, the biological structures and kaleidoscopic colours we don’t even register, through fashion in a way that others can only imitate, to mesmerising, truly transcendent effect; I can only assume Van Herpen has mother nature whispering into her ear because how the hell else do you explain her ability to take the kind of microscopic organisms they show you images of in an outdated GCSE science powerpoint and make a dress that resembles one so stunning? Care to explain, Iris? Because if there is some kind of line of communication between the two of you can you please tell the bitch I’m over this weather and that I have cute summer outfits I’m waiting to wear so can she pack this torrential rain shit in? K, thanks xoxo

See it seems shady as fuck to go from IVH to Isabel Marant like this because we are talking 2 designers with totallyyyy different approaches to fashion; Iris Van Herpen is haute couture for starters whereas Marant is commercial, and that’s her thing, but unfair comparisons aside this collection is still a bit of a let down. This is considering I do usually really like Isabel Marant collections based on whether or not I’d wear the pieces, which seems a more appropriate barometer to use to come to a quality verdict. Whilst there were a few of the elegant bohemian pieces my mind goes to when it comes to her brand, the steps outside of that comfort zone didn’t pay off; graffiti print (can be cool if done with some subtlety which apart from a few exceptions was not the case here), cheap looking reflective fabric, and MC Hammer style dungarees, it seems to be an attempt to merge 80s trends with modern urban culture, and an attempt that at times verged on the disastrous. It’s good for a brand to experiment, of course, and appeal to a wider client base than usual, but when it’s bad the unfortunate take away is that the design team don’t have the chops to pull off straying from familiar territory; designers wouldn’t be showing at fashion week if this was truly the case because disregarding the influence of nepotism, fashion is an area you need real talent, perseverance and business smarts to excel in, and so it doesn’t do a team justice when they do fail.

J.W Anderson, on the other hand, really put his best foot forward this season and presented this work in a really cool way too which only added to the positives; whilst the way the shots were edited was funky af, it didn’t detract from the actual outfits, and if we are to see the same limitations when it comes to the F/W collections being released, this is something a lot of designers and editing teams should take note of. The idiosyncratic exaggerated shapes that we see as a recurring feature of Anderon’s collections were still on show but this time round with added femininity, billowing skirts and trailing jewellery that channel the stage looks of Stevie Nicks in a way that’s modern and functional and maybe even fit for the office if you were to work in a more creative industry with a chill boss. Could also work for a coven of witches who practice meditation by bonfires in the moonlight and burn the letters of men who wronged them in some Arizonian desert, so like I said, functional! Who doesn’t like versatility? The only thing I’m not too keen on is the shoes but they’re not so bad that it affects my opinion of the collection and they look comfy I guess.

Lastly, we’ve got to talk about Jacquemus, one of the most influential names in fashion at the moment. And yes, this time round, I’m doing it: I’m buying into the hype.

This collection is gorgeousss! I can see already that a lot of the recurring elements of the show are going to be big summer trends for this year (the cut outs and strappy details on the blouses are everywhere already) even though it isn’t hot enough to have collectively decided the time to start dressing for heat is upon us yet, and that’s always a good indicator of how successful the designer was in their vision and attempts to assess the needs and wants of fashion enthusiasts; whether I’m as big a fan of his work as everyone else seems to be, there’s no denying Simon Porte Jacquemus has always excelled at this practice if the buzz around him is anything to go by. It makes sense given the last year of us all being stuck in and suppressed that a lot of us are already romanticising the summer ahead, anticipating picnics and beach days and general Theresa May running through wheat fields type shenanigans galore, in spite of how dubious an assumption it is to make that British weather will allow for this; Porte Jacquemus has very much catered to this wishful thinking and the popularity of the whole escapist “cottage core” aesthetic, sexing it up a little bit with pieces that hug the body in ways only Mugler knows how whilst being lightweight and relaxed enough to look good with windswept, sandy hair and a little dose of sunburn. I’m talking enough to give you some cutesy freckles and rosy cheeks not PSA on the importance of suncream territory, guys, what is it with those of us on the gen Z/millennial cusp not taking sun damage seriously!? Why do I have to beg so many of my friends to wear it!? Does nobody else remember those photos they’d show you in PSHE in English primary schools of burnt people’s skin under UV lights? Or is that just me being weird and only having such a vivid memory of the images because teachers told us we had to wait until year 6 to see them due they to their “graphic” nature only for my gore-loving self to be extremely underwhelmed when we finally did get that lesson? They showed us a woman giving birth in year 4 for fuck’s sake. THAT was traumatising.

Back to the actual point anyway, with just a couple of negatives, the first of which being that the pieces are very similar to those feminine looks we saw dotted about the Jacquemus menswear collection from last year that were all over fashion Twitter. In Simon Porte Jacquemus’ defence though, it makes sense that those tones and silhouettes would be revisited in a full womenswear collection for that very reason; considering they went down so well and that lockdown gave us a bit of a half-baked summer in 2020, expanding on those elements enough for a whole new collection makes good business sense. We did get some cool additions too, mainly in the form of accessories, with the hardware details on the belts similar to those included in the Givenchy collection and the abstract hair slides being standouts for me. It was all exquisite-the shoes, the jewellery, the styling, everything 10/10. My other nitpick, and I say nitpick not because it’s not important but because it’s an issue that’s hardly restricted to Jacquemus (this casting team are far from the worst offenders, Saint Laurent I’m looking at you), is that I WISH we’d see more diversity with the models. Despite what my body dysmorphia yells at me, I am small, and yet seeing all those fucking minuscule waists made me die a little inside; it’s crazy to me that in 2020 the lack of variety in body types on the runway is still such a problem.

I must have said this a million times but I don’t want to end on a negative note so let me reiterate: this collection was STUN. NING. Plus there were some others I’ve talked about in this post that I’m sure will make it into my top 20 in the final part, Jacquemus, Dion Lee and Etro for sure; we even got some gorgeous pieces from Maria Grazia which I thought was a sentence I’d never type out. Have I said enough to not leave a bad taste in the mouth of anyone who read to the end of this post? I hope so, lol! TBH, it’s impressive given everything that’s going on that the majority of designers did roll out collections in September as usual so serious respect to them and their design teams for that.

In the next post, I’ll fingers crossed be able to include everything from Kim Shui (exciting!) through to at least Off-White (actually pretty good this time?!) and make this whole thing a 4 parter before getting straight on top of the photo posts I’m thinking about doing for the time being for the F/W21 shows. So as usual, if you did read to the end thank you so much and I respect the perseverance you must have to get through all my rambling, lmao. Hope everyone is well and coping okay and again, my inbox is always open for any post suggestions, constructive criticism, or just a chat for anyone who needs a listening ear.

Big love and thank you again!

Lauren x

[thisislizheather]

June Jaunts 2021

July always feels like one big long nap to me. There’s never really anything going on, kids are off school, adults seem to work less, it’s kind of great in that way. Maybe I won’t hate it this year? In any case, here’s what went down in June.

I compiled the best tweets of June over here and here.

I visited and wrote about the new Rockaway Hotel and pool.

I did Nathan’s podcast amidst his hiatus.

I recapped what I did from my spring list and made an upcoming summer to-do list, which I really encourage you to do on your own.

I read and reviewed The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Archor.

I’ve almost finished watching Living Single and seasons one through four are definitely the best ones. Love the episode where Kyle says goodbye to an old jazz venue that gets demolished, such a solid show.

I just saw the latest issue of the LCBO magazine and someone needs to pick me up that dill pickle vodka immediately.

Dying over how good the Strawberry Pound Cake candle smells from Bath & Body Works. Also picked up the Whipped Coffee candle for later this year from their semi-annual sale.

I went on an impromptu day trip to Connecticut.

I met up with Irene in Chinatown so I went early to walk around because man, I love that area.

Above Photo: Chinatown NYC, June 2021

Above Photo: Doyers Street, Chinatown NYC, June 2021

Above Photo: Irene!

Above Photo: Me!

I ate at dell’anima and it was insanely disappointing. It felt like being in a cafeteria at the mall, it’s just a terrible location. I wasn’t expecting much since I knew it was on 11th Avenue, but still. I had no idea it would be so deeply casual (which is upsetting for an NYC restaurant). The food was as average as could be. Also, can we stop with the plastic cups at restaurants? It’s time.

I also stopped by Anfora which is a pleasant little spot, especially before or after dinner.

I went to Daily Provisions and tried their roast beef sandwich and salted caramel brownie and does everywhere just suck this month? And I support Danny Meyer, but he truly is the master of overpricing food. Also - on what planet can a brownie taste bland?? Tell me??

I’m on the lash extension train again (I know, I’m weak) and I just got them done at Lash Princess in the city and they look incredible so I’m definitely going to return.

I rewatched Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding and yep, still great.

Love the stationary/toy store Modern State on the Upper East Side.

I’ve heard about cotton candy grapes for years and have never been able to get ahold of them, but I just found them and whoa! Everything you want them to be and more. Am I bothered by the fact that they’re 1000% modified and MUST be terrible for humans to eat? A bit.

I finally ate the Wednesday sandwich special at Mama’s Too on the Upper West Side and it was pretty incredible. It was a roast beef au jus with horseradish cream on top of their house-made pizza crust. It was a little heavy on the fatty pieces of meat, but once those were taken out, it was insanity to eat. Take a look.

Above Photo: Roast beef au jus with horseradish cream at Mama’s Too, NYC

We saw A Quiet Place 2 in theatres and yes it’s an okay movie but it was too suspenseful for me after not seeing a movie in theatres for so long. I don’t think I want any more suspense in my life

We also watched The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It at home and meh. Patrick Wilson can still get it, though.

Yet another great song off of Olivia Rodrigo’s album.

I finally got a reservation at Forsythia and it was looooovely, I can’t wait to go again. The restaurant itself is beautiful and such a perfect date place, the chairs are gorgeous and comfortable, the service was flawless and the pastas were phenomenal (the garganelli was a standout for sure). And god knows how much I love a place that serves their bread with olive oil as well as butter, WHY DOESN’T EVERY PLACE DO THIS?

I had to try the panzanella salad at L’Artusi and of course it’s great, but it’s also just so genius to put the cheese ON THE BOTTOM of a salad like this one. (Also, I’ll forever support whatever this team wants to do.)

Above Photo: Heirloom Tomato & Burrata Panzanella with Stonefruit, Sourdough, Basil, Yuza, Nigella at L’Artusi, NYC

Above Photo: Bucatini with Pancetta, Tomato, Chiles, Pecorino at L’Artusi, NYC

I tried the new Milk Bar cookies at Whole Foods and they truly taste like the cake truffles at their stores, so watch out.

The two best gelato flavours at il laboratorio del gelato? 1) Peach 2) Ginger. I’m telling you.

I’ve been looking for the perfect navy raincoat for years and I finally found her at J. Crew on sale for $71.

I tried the gelato at Anita Gelato and even though the wild strawberry with ricotta & mascarpone was really good, there’s no way it’s worth waiting in line for twenty minutes.

Above Photo: Wild strawberry with ricotta & mascarpone with a vanilla scoop, Anita Gelato in NYC

A great piece, with great photos on NYC reopening.

I made hash browns at home and does everyone do this already? It’s ridiculously easy and satisfying and I had no idea.

I’ve been on a real orzo bender lately and this tomato one was great. So was this lemon basil one (I added a ton of fresh parmesan and it was nuts).

This sketch is old, but I just saw it for the first time and man it’s great.

The new Halloween trailer is out and I want to love it but can’t we just let some things die?

This Target candle reminds me of Florida vacations and I want to buy ten.

I stupidly ate at Eataly (don’t do it, especially if you live in New York, you should know better) and of course it was bad. What a smart idea to eat at a place called Le Pizza & La Pasta, I’m a moron. Even smarter, I got the steak tartare and it was as bland as the day is long (and look I know I’m a clown for not even ordering pizza OR pasta when it’s in the name). The basil vodka cocktail was pretty good, though.

One thing that Eataly is good for, though, is selling really good dried pastas. I finally tried the brand Afeltra (the pasta as well as their canned tomatoes) and wowza. Definitely will be buying again. Best dried brand I’ve tried so far. Oh! I also bought this Ponti Balsamic Vinegar that tastes like candy, it’s so good. It’s thicker than other balsamics, so maybe it’s more of a finishing vinegar but I highly recommend.

I made these white chocolate apricot scones (and then later that week some white chocolate strawberry scones) and they were phenomenal. I did use cake flour because that’s all I had and I think that might be the reason they tasted so great. Also, it’s a wildly easy recipe to follow incase you’re intimidated by the word “scone.”

Above Photo: White chocolate apricot scone

I started watching the new season of Dave and it’s so well done I could scream (do you remember how good this part was from last season?). Such a good show. I do sort of hate men more by the end of each episode, so I don’t know what that’s about but I think I’m okay with it.

Bought a new nonstick frying pan (the GreenPan) and it’s incredible. Sometimes the answer is new cookware, no matter the question.

Nathan bought a new filtered shower-head and it’s making me excited for every shower now. Just a powerhouse. Feels like I’m at a hotel in there.

Since it’s summer, I’d love to make these summer recipes:

Grilled Caprese Skewers with Halloumi and Sourdough

Pan-Seared Scallops with Chorizo and Corn

BLT Pasta Salad

Summer Coconut Chickpea Curry

Strawberry Crumble Coffee Cake

Some things that I’m looking forward to: I’m not usually into miniseries but Nine Perfect Strangers looks pretty good so I might watch that, we’re going to TWO weddings this month so that will be wonderful, and I really need to get back in a pool so I’m working on that happening.

If you have any interest in reading what went on in May, come on over here.

[awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands]

Happy Birthday Snake!

A/N: I wrote this little something for Snake’s birthday and because @boraxisme gives me the confidence to write my Skid Row fic and post them ( this will probably be meh, sorryyy! But Snake deserve more love!)

“Happy birthday to me!” Snake thought, as he was waiting outside of jail, ready to beat the shit out of his singer for getting in trouble, again.

He had to spend all his savings to pay his bail, so goodbye birthday gift or anything that could reassemble a party.

“Hey man, thank you so much to take me out! I own you so much.” Sebastian said, getting into the car.

“You’re a fucking idiot! Fuck, I told you to do picking up fights anymore. We are a band and we need the money if we want to make a name for ourselves!” Dave was frustrated, sick and tired of Seb’s bullshit.

“He was asking for it and chill out, I’ll repay you when I can. Oh shit!”

“What?”

“It’s your birthday man, fuck I almost forgot it! Happy birthday dude, uhm sorry for this!” Sebastian laughed, while Snake simply shrugged his shoulders.

They finally arrived home, and the guitarist just wanted to lay in his bed, maybe relax a bit, and try to not get to sad and disappointed that he couldn’t even celebrate his birthday because he was without money at that moment. Maybe he would have been left alone, the boys would have been outside and he could have watched something and the TV, maybe even find a beer in their fridge.

However, as soon as he stopped foot in the living room, he was greeted by his three band mates yelling “Surprise!”

Earlier that day

Scotti felt very bad to see Dave so stressed, and to see him giving away the money he saved so preciously to get his new guitar. For fuck sake, it was his birthday! But the poor man had to take care of that idiot of their singer who had the wonderful idea to get in jail, beside from looking after their drummer who was in a wheelchair due a broken leg and their bassist Rachel who had a talent to create a mess as much as Sebastian had it.

“Scotti, what are you thinking about?” Rob asked, lifting his gaze from his magazine.

“It is Dave’s birthday and he doesn’t have a party or money to buy his new guitar anymore, I just think it’s so unfair. I wish we…” He trailed off mid-sentence.

“What are you going to say Scotti?” Rachel questioned, now interested in his friend rather than the drawing he was finishing on Rob’s cast.

“What if we don’t buy him a new guitar but simply some new strings, some wood paint and a new pick? I mean we have enough money for that?”

“Oh and we can do a surprise birthday party! I can make a chocolate cake, and we should still have those balloons from our water balloons fight!” The drummer chimed him, super excited.

“Okay first of all, why do you have chocolate or know how to bake a cake? Then will we have money left to buy food if we spend them for that?” The bassist sounded skeptical.

“He always takes care of us and we wouldn’t have to do this, if your little best friend didn’t decide to get himself arrested! C’mon Rach, he deserves it! He saved our asses so many times!” Scotti pleaded.

“Okay, fine! You go to the shop, while I stay here to put the decoration on, and to make sure our boy there doesn’t set the house on fire!” He laughed, while Rob flipped him off.

---

Scotti felt fucking great leaving the shop with everything he needed. Snake was his best friend, but also the one who kept the band alive, since they liked to get into trouble almost daily, so he sometimes felt guilty that he couldn’t have a break or something he liked. He really hoped he would like it, or they would all have wasted time and money, and made their friend unhappy.

The guitarist was happy to find out that their house didn’t burn down, but it smelled like cake and a birthday banner was hung on the wall. Sure it looked like a 5-year-old draw it, but it was better than nothing.

“Nice banner you made Rob!” The drummer looked at him confused, putting the last candle on the cake.

“I didn’t made it, Rachel did!”

“Fuck yeah, it is great, isn’t it?” The bassist said proudly, trying to keep a balloon on air as much as he could.

“It looks like a kid made it, but I’m sure Snake will appreciate your effort. At least this time you didn’t break anything!” Scotti laughed and the two of them started to fight playfully.

However they were interrupted by the door opening. They stopped for a moment, until they recognize Dave coming in the living room, so they started shouting.

“Surprise!”

“What is this?” He asked unsure.

“Aww is this a welcome back home party for me?” Sebastian joked, earning a groin from all the others.

“Fuck off blondie, this is for Snake!” Rachel shoot back.

“For me? For my birthday?” The guitarist was genuinely surprised that those idiots would do something for him, but also he was very grateful inside.

“Yeah it was Scotti’s idea. He wanted you to have a party, after everything we put you through!” Rob explained with a smile.

“Thank you man!” He said, hugging the other guitarist. He felt so happy, like he was a stupid teenager, but honestly he really hoped in something like this.

“We also have a gift for you, but before you need to blow off your candles!”

Snake complied quickly, just because he was really invested in understanding what was his gift, now.

“I know you wanted a new guitar, but we don’t have the money thanks to we-know-who!” Scotti started, glaring Sebastian. “But this doesn’t mean you can’t have a new guitar, in a sort of way.”

Dave smiled looking at his gifts. Fuck, now he could really have a new guitar, kind of.

“You know, you four maybe be reckless stupid idiots most of the time, but you can be also pretty great. Just try to not do other crazy things today!”

Everyone started laughing, looking way too guilty in Snake’s eyes. He would have to save those idiots even on his birthday.