#I want to quit my job and damn the consequences. so bad

[novemquadragintillion]

.

[luckyladylily]

So there is a lot of bad stuff going on right now, and I'm sure there are lots of people feeling hopeless and thinking of suicide. Well, I've been suicidal for 21 years and I have a few practical pieces of advice for surviving that I rarely see in other places but I think have done more to keep me off the ledge than almost anything.

1. Don't feel guilty for wanting to kill yourself. Life can be extremely painful, and you are not weak, a coward, or irrational for considering the obvious way to alleviate that pain. Guilt on top of the rest of your pain will not help, and you are not a bad person. You are going to have to tell yourself this a lot.

2. If you think you might do it, find an excuse to live. This is different from a reason to live in that it is short term and shallow. For years my excuse was that I still had enough money to buy a pizza and I'd be damned if I didn't get my last pizza before I died, and if i still wanted to kill myself after the pizza then I had lost nothing. I swear this kept me alive through some of the hardest years of my life.

3. If you have an online friend you can trust, ask if they would be willing to do check in duty occasionally on your worst nights. It's very simple, on bad days where hurting yourself is a real possibility, ask your friend if they can send you a message at regular intervals, say 15 or 20 minutes, confirming that you are safe. It can be as simple as "check?", with you responding "I'm ok". Being immediately held accountable makes not doing it so much easier. I asked a friend to help me like this about two weeks ago to deal with a really bad self harm day and the difference between trying to do it on your own and simple check ins is astounding. It hurts so much less.

4. You die with nothing left on the table. This is for when it's over and you are going to kill yourself. You have a plan, you are ready, and you want to. At this point you are effectively dead. Which means there are no consequences. You can finally do the thing that you were always too scared to do. Maybe it's quitting your job, or confessing to your crush. For me it was coming out as trans. This is your last ditch effort, so if it blows up in your face and ruins everything it is no loss because your plan will still work tomorrow. You were already dead anyway, who cares if you left behind a bit more chaos.

[becauseicantthinkwritings]

Teeth

Part 12

Masterlist

Warnings: nothing, not a damn thing 🤭

There's a near painful casualness to the joyful way you greet him in the morning.

Standing by his car, arms crossed, his impassive expression seems to lighten when he catches sight of you leaving your apartment.

"Hey Billy!" You say, noting the subtle way his hands flex when he reaches for your door, opening it for you.

He says your name in return, a low sound, that goes straight down to your toes and back up before stopping in your chest.

You smile, thanking him as you duck into the passenger seat of his car, automatically pulling on your seatbelt.

You're vibrating with excitement, maybe too much, the knowledge that he touched himself while watching you gives you a power you didn't know you craved until now.

"I hope your night wasn't too bad." You knowingly tease, watching him swallow as he begins driving.

"It was actually pretty decent," he murmurs, eyes fixed forward, focused on the road, "Though, one of my neighbors gave me quite an eyeful."

You already have your response locked and loaded.

"Oh no," you murmur with false sympathy, "Must have been quite a shock."

"It was."

You hum, nodding your head.

"I guess, that's kind of a consequence of having neighbors." You turn to eye him, "Sometimes you just see things."

He spares you a glance, your expression calm and polite, as if you didn't touch yourself with your curtains open for him to see last night.

"Maybe you're right." He concedes.

"Of course I am."

He smiles.

.

"How have you two not fucked yet." Dani says, deep in thought.

"I don't knooooow." You whine, flopping onto your couch with a huff.

After thinking for a moment, you speak.

"Maybe he just doesn't like me." Your voice is muffled in the couch but she hears you anyway.

"We're not looking at this the right way." Dani suddenly says, which makes you raise your head curiously.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when he first offered you the job, didn't you specifically say that you wouldn't take the job if he wanted to fuck you?"

You groan, burying your head back into your couch.

Was this what it had come to? Your own words being thrown back at you?

"Yes." You answer.

"So what if this is just him doing what you asked."

You let out another frustrated sound.

"You're telling me that I'm the reason I'm not getting fucked senseless right now?"

"...Yes?" Dani says, a little chuckle escaping her when she sees you wriggle angrily on the couch.

"What do I doooooo." You fake cry, raising your head to give Dani your best sad face.

She leans forward, a brightness in her eyes, that gets your undivided attention.

"Here are your options, one, turn up the heat, flirt with him, wear prettier clothes, make him notice you. Option two, get him jealous, turn your attention on someone else and then see if he tries harder to keep you close. Lastly," She leans back, steeples her fingers like the mastermind she is, "forget about him and maybe actually move on because there is a possibility that he's just not that into you."

You groan in frustration.

You didn't like any of those options, wearing nicer things meant being noticed by not only Billy, but other people too. Making him jealous implied that you had to be willing to get to know another person, which you were not.

And forgetting about him? Is probably what you should have done from the start.

"Can't I just parade naked in front of my windows for the foreseeable future?" You ask, watching as Dani's focused expression morphs into a grin.

"You could, but I doubt it would get you fucked."

You swallow.

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you would have been fucked by now."

Oh, how you hated when she was right.

.

"I overslept I'm so sorry." Is what you say to Billy when he sees you, rushing out of your aparment building. You do look slightly disheveled, as if you didn't have time to smooth your look into perfection like you usually do.

He smiles, opening his car door for you as usual, and listening to the breathless way you thank him.

When he gets into the car, he can still hear your overzealous breathing.

"You're alright," he tries to reassure you, "It's okay to be a few minutes late."

"Sorry, I just- I'm sorry if you were waiting long."

"It's okay, no need to apologize." He finishes, turning on his indicator so he can pull out onto the street.

"Do you mind- is it okay if I finish doing my makeup?" You ask, he can hear the worry still laced in your voice.

"Yes, of course," he says, keeping his voice even, trying to soothe you.

You breathe another word of thanks before pulling out your mascara from your bag.

Billy fights the urge to watch, with rapt facination. He finds the idea of it intriguing. He's curious to see your little routine, wonders how much it would differ from his own.

He quietly loves the domesticity of it all, him driving to work while you feel comfortable enough around him to apply your makeup.

At a traffic light, he can't resist turning to look at you.

You glance back, touching up your mascara before closing it.

"What?" You ask, rummaging in your bag for something else.

You're beautiful, he wants to say, with and without makeup.

Out loud he says,

"I'm just fascinated by the process."

You smile at him.

His heart stops when you pull out a tube of red lipstick.

It's not just red, red is an understatement. It's crimson, it's burgundy, it's the colour of spilt blood on fresh snow.

He swallows as you swipe the wand over the pout of your lips.

When someone blares their horn, he turns his head back to the road, driving off when he realises the lights have turned green.

He tries not to look, worries he might get lost in it.

The predator stirs within him, demanding he stop torturing them both.

He takes a shuddering breath.

"Are you okay?"

He's unable to respond, eyes fixed on the road.

The beast thinks about how the shade would look smeared across your mouth.

"Billy?" You say, concern heavy in your voice.

He sighs.

"I'm fine."

He's not.

.

It's a fast drive to work, and he avoids looking at you the rest of the way there.

When he parks, and you get out, he's already walking away from you, heading in the direction of the basement security booth, directly opposite from the elevators.

"See you this evening." Is all he says, not even sparing you a glance back.

You huff.

.

An emergency conference meeting puts you in his path once more.

There's an hour till lunch, and Billy tries not to fidget as he waits patiently for you and the rest of his team to show up.

He hears you laughing with someone outside as you draw nearer to the meeting room and his mood sours further.

When he sees you, he almost wants to fucking collapse.

Your mouth draws his attention, the vibrant shade catches his eye, makes his stomach flip.

You smile at him, and he nods evenly in return, looking down at his phone, trying to distract himself from staring at you.

Your mouth is divine, he wants to lean in, press his mouth to yours, feel the desire build inside of him until it has nowhere to go but out. He wants to rub his nose against yours, he wants your lipstick smeared across his cheeks, his jaw, his neck, his chest, his cock-

"Mister Russo?"

He doesn't startle, simply moves his eyes to stare firmly at the man that dared interrupt him from his thoughts of you.

The man in question swallows.

"What do you think?"

He sucks in a deep breath.

Turning to look at you, you meet his gaze head on.

God, that's a lot of fire.

"I'm assuming you can justify your actions?" Billy says to you.

"Of course I can." You say evenly, confident, like you know exactly what you're doing and everyone else is just in the way.

"Well?"

The corner of your lip twitches, you were just playing with everyone in the room, weren't you?

You turn to look at Phil, his IT managing director.

"If I told you what I was going to do, you would have taken action to stop me. Even indirectly, sometimes just the knowledge of a potential security breach would put you on edge, which puts your team on edge. The best attack is one done unexpectedly."

Phil shakes his head.

"You're the person designing the system, you work here, of course you're going to understand how to get around our protocols."

You pause for a moment, looking right at Phil, who, to Billy's credit, doesn't show any outward expression, despite the scent of intimidation rolling off of him.

You're playing with him, and you look so much like a predator in this moment that Billy feels his heart swell.

"It sounds to me, that you're making the assumption that security breaches are only ever going to come from people who lack the skills to beat the system. And while, sure, majority may not have the skill, we need to consider the possibility that one day, someone might."

Phil is unable to form a rebuttal, and after a minute he mutters.

"Someone should at least know when you plan to rip into the same system you design."

You nod, clicking your pen and pulling out your notepad to write something down.

"Noted. I'll send Mr. Russo a heads up."

Phil turns to look at him, and Billy feels the need to placate both parties.

"Not to worry, I understand the systems are still being set up and understood. Hopefully, we come out of this stronger."

He nods at both of you, feels a little bit more proud of what he's building.

"Have a good lunch." Phil bids, before walking out of the conference room.

You reel on him as soon as the door clicks shut, eyes full of passion that it startles him.

"Holy fucking shit Billy I just came up with the best fucking idea."

He stares at your animated form for a second, before he can't contain his humour, tilting his head back and laughing.

"There's no time for laughing, Russo! Get it together- look-" You move across to his side of the table, right into his space and drops your little notepad into the spot in front of him.

He squints, but your passionate handwriting makes zero sense.

"Did you make a note to tell me before you try to break into my system?"

He looks at you, your expression moves from one of excitement to confusion.

"What? No- fuck that- I mean, respectfully, sure I'll warn you but-" You glance down at the notepad, while he continues to just look at you.

"I've been thinking about it for a while, what if someone really good tries to hack the system? Better than me I mean."

Billy is seriously doubting at this point that there is anyone better than you.

"If we make it look like it's reasonably difficult, someone trying to get access won't question it. Someone smarter, will just think that we lack the brain power for a sophisticated system."

His eyes draw to your mouth, he's trying hard to focus but some of his essential blood supply is currently making his cock swell.

"So you're suggesting, we offer a fake room full of information to hide the real room?"

"Yesssss," You hiss happily, looking down before tapping your pen to your mouth.

The universe has no mercy for him, he watches the pen smudge your lipstick.

It's beyond him, he can't stop himself, his hands reach up to cup either side of your face.

You make a little sound of surprise, being distracted from your complicated thought processes, suddenly focused on him.

Your eyes are wide, and fixed right on him. He takes pleasure in that, wants your focus on him, and him alone.

.

His hands are warm, as usual, holding your face gently as he looks at you.

Was this it? Was he going to kiss you?

He sighs, takes a step closer so that your bodies are right against each others.

Your stomach flips, you almost want to beg.

"This colour is beautiful on you." He murmurs finally, his thumb reaching out to swipe gently at the edge of your bottom lip.

Your breath catches, you think about taking his thumb into your mouth.

Your brain stalls as you stare at him.

He tilts his head, smiles, deep in thought.

"What do we say?"

"What?"

"When someone gives a compliment, what do we say?"

"Th- thank you." You stutter out.

Ever patient, he nods.

"Good girl."

Your mouth parts in shock.

He pulls his hands away, taking a step back.

"Enjoy your lunch." He bids, before leaving you alone in the conference room with parted lips and damp underwear.

.

You lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, fingers curled around your necklace, deep in thought.

You wonder who the panther is, wondering if you knew them at all.

You try to turn it over in your head but there's too many things you don't know, and not enough information.

You don't even know where to start looking for this information, searches online giving no real help beyond the realm of fantasy.

But this wasn't fantasy anymore, shapeshifters were real, a fact.

It made the world that much more dangerous.

Or maybe not, considering that most of your troubles had come from human roots anyway.

You sigh, rolling over, and sucking in a deep breath when you come face to face with the panther.

You raise your head, looking around.

Had you fallen asleep?

The panther hums to get your attention, leaning in until the top of his head brushes your cheek.

"Hey kitty." You greet softly, hearing the rough purring start up as the panther settles its body next to yours.

You sigh softly, pressing your face into his fur, giving his ear a little kiss, and feeling it flick gently.

His tail smacks against your knee as it waves in a haphazard direction.

You smile, tossing an arm over his back, sighing in bliss when you can almost feel the softness of his fur like he's really here with you.

You lay like that for a bit, on your side, curled against the panther when suddenly a human hand reaches for you.

It grips your jaw, turns your head up and away from the panther.

Billy, with warm fingers and a gentle smile, doesn't hesitate to lay his mouth across yours.

You groan, pressing your head up and firmer against his mouth, desperate for a taste of him.

He pulls back for a moment, before giving you another quick kiss and he's gone, leaving you tucked against the panther for the rest of the night.

You wake up in the morning, curled around a pile of your pillows, disoriented, looking around for your panther before the realisation hits you, that you'd only been dreaming.

.

.

.

[baurbiediv]

strange

PAIRING ➔ jj maybank x reader

WARNING(S) ➔ heartbroken jj, reader decides what’s best for her.

SYNOPSIS ➔ after jj went behind y/n’s back, she ultimately decides the fate of her relationship with jj.

SIDE NOTE ➔ listen to strange by celeste

A/N ➔ read parts one, two, & three before this! + official last part!

-

i tried for you

“i pushed you away because i fucked up. a couple days after the argument, i told kiara everything. my head was everywhere and .. and we made out.” he told you.

tried to see through all the smoke & dirt

way to go.

it wouldn’t move

your heart quite literally felt like it just got ripped out right of your chest and stomped on.

what could i do?

you leaned against the counter and put your hands on both sides on your face before bringing them down to your mouth.

i touch your head to pull your thoughts into my hand

but now i can’t

say, isn’t it strange?

the words coming out of his mouth, the feeling was foreign to the atmosphere that swelled in the air. and without a second thought, you were out the door with jj hot on your trail.

isn’t it strange?

feet carrying you wherever, anywhere but the current location you were now. the chateau no longer feeling like home, it now felt like you resonated on a remote planet by yourself.

i am still me

you are still you

jj reached his arm out before grabbing your wrist and turning your body to face his. “y/n, please you gotta listen to me. i fucked up really bad, i’m sorry. i promise you it meant nothing.” he pleaded, hoping you’d listen and forgive him, his eyes scanning your face.

tears welled in the bottoms of your eyes, the word ‘anger,’ wasn’t enough to express the amount of emotions that filled the humid air.

how people can change

“what could you possibly have to say to me right now jj.” you spat, snatching your arm away from his grip. your eyes filled with so much disappointment and pain.

jj’s face softened, he watched the way your chest heaved up and down. never have you been this angry at him, somehow the two of you would’ve gotten over an argument when the other got this mad.

from strangers to friends

but this wasn’t some kind of stupid argument, it was a very serious one. jj had one damn job, to never do anything as stupid as this. he couldn’t even do that.

friends into lovers

“i ask one thing from you. just one single thing, and you couldn’t do that.” you breathed, how badly you wanted to fall to the ground and sob.

and strangers again

all the pressure of this faulty relationship crashing down on at once.

this wasn’t fair to you at all, so much time and effort put towards him, gone.

right in the blink of an eye.

“y/n, please just hear me out.” he pleaded again.

your patience was wearing thin, your head was spinning. ripping the necklace off your neck, you threw it at him, along with the matching bracelet he’d given you.

we’re you being melodramatic? of course not.

your feelings were 100% justified, you’d just lost your boyfriend, the boy you were desperately chasing after since 5th grade, due to him being reckless and foolish.

and then expected that everything would be perfectly fine and go over smoothly.

he cheated, with your best friend. it was ridiculous that he even tried to get you to understand that this was something that you could just skip over.

“give her the necklace & the bracelet. she’d probably like it. i’ve seen the way she looks at you.”

and that was the last thing you’d say to jj.

jj watched as you walked away, how badly he wanted to go after you. his feet grounded, leaving him stuck and facing the consequences.

he picked up the necklace and bracelet and swallowed the lump in his throat.

he watched you walk down that dirt road until you were no longer visible. he already missed you.

-

time rolled around and now nearly a month after the breakup.

you’d distanced yourself from the group, not wanting to interact with any of the pogues. you could’ve prevented this, you knew the pogue rules, you broke them. if you had abided by them, maybe you wouldn’t be feeling the way you do right now.

you never wanted to see kiara or jj again.

2 people that you were supposed to trust the most betrayed you in the worst way possible.

the tears kept coming, and they wouldn’t stop. the sobs that emitted from your chest were ones of pure ache. nothing would’ve prepared you for the amount of emotions that this brought on.

why we’re you this hurt over some boy? quite literally everything was different. the way you woke up, carried on throughout the day, going to work, and school.

everything was different, there was no way everything could be the same way it was.

maybe jj moved on with his life, maybe he was doing better than you. who knows? maybe he found the girl that complimented him in ways you couldn’t.

but that wasn’t true, jj was in the same boat as you. but in the end, this was something he did and it couldn’t be undone. no apology from him would ever make you take him back, the damage was done.

john b & pope watched the damage take a toll on their best friend, yet there wasn’t a single thing that the two boys could’ve done just to see jj smile again.

jj missed y/n, but y/n didn’t feel the same.

this was jj’s mistake, and it was final.

he kept the necklace & bracelet, hoping that maybe one day you’d find your way back to him.

-

months passed and you finally found the girl you once were. eventually you found your way back to the pogues, your second family you loved so much.

albeit, jj was still around. but you couldn’t have cared any less than you already did. you moved on and now it was time for him to do the same.

but easier said than done, right?

he still never got over the night you left, he cried to his hearts content, he cried until there were no tears left. he’d never been more emotional, he so used to losing people, and you being one of those people absolutely broke him.

he was so used to you being in his world, and one stupid decision had caused him to lose it all.

the day he saw you back with the pogues, he so badly wanted to hug you and kiss you, telling you that he realized how stupid the decision he made was and that he’d make it up to you.

but you weren’t giving him the time of day, any time he tried to interact with you, it was short simple, one-worded answers.

jj tried his hardest to win you back but you were over it, over him.

jj was miserable while you moved on from him.

if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.

[dream-in-seoul]

Rant warning, medical issues warning. Please don't read if talk about chronic issues will trigger you, this is just to get things off my chest.

I am so exhausted. I have been ill since 2020, but December 2023 my health started getting even worse and it keeps progressing and the medical system is so frustrating. I had so many medical appointments this year that led to nothing. Even more that I needed but I juat cannot get through the wait list.

The myriad of gynaecological issues is actively shaving off my will to live. I have changed my gyno this year. After two visits I swore not to come in again after she screamed at me for coming in with acute inflammation week before my flight because "she is not there to worry about how I enjoy my vacation " I said it is not just vacation and I am leaving for two months. She said: "that's not too long. Unless it's 6 months, you can wait"

Thankfully I got lucky and they helped me in korea and haven't had an inflammation since as far as I know, but the lack of proper treatment fucked me up and I have been dealing with consequences ever since.

Similar thing happened to me earlier this year with another acute inflammation. I went to gyno er (completed empty) and the doctor kicked me out for taking space for really sick patients after she found out my main gyno is her friend. Her friend ruined my life in 2021 when she kept claiming there is nothing wrong with me till I got so bad my physio told me "I have never seen someone in a state as poor as yours". I will most likely never completely heal from it.

I have a suspicion for pcos or/and endometriosis. Sadly the only practioners that diagnose it in this damn country want insane money for each visit that I just cannot afford. Tell me, why do I pay 300 dollars a month for insurance?

There is a suspicion for breast cancer. I have been on a waiting list for an examination since end of May. Cool.

I am so desperate I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled out today just because there is a small chance it might help my body heal better and help it stay free of inflammation.

Out of pocket of course. What else to expect from dental care but hey, at least they will do it.

Endocrinology? I get tested in labs out of pocket, because no place accepts new patients.

I am exhausted from being my own doctor, being shoved around, waiting. Paying for what my insurance should cover.

I am tired of constantly finding new gynecologists.

I had to quit my job because my pain is so bad it is impossible to be on regular schedule.

And the pain in my arms? Don't get me started. I was getting a hang of it before my doctor (who I waited for for months) gave me random pills after he twisted my arm for a minute. After two pills I started loosing sense in my hands. Why? Because they were rapidly slowing down your blood flow. Why does a pill like that even exist and why give it to someone who had low blood pressure and possible POTS.

Anyways, it feels like I watch people around me live their lives while I am stuck in hell. I am sure anyone with chronic issues understand.

And I am angry and frustrated and most of the days I don't have the energy to keep fighting because honestly what for? So more health issues pop up?

[five-bi-five-mind]

May I please request, An unsub frames Reader for a lot of murders and reader is arrested and is sentenced to the death penalty. JJ and the team have a small amount of time to prove her innocence. (Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau X reader.)

Lost at Sea (Pt. 1)

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Jennifer Jareau x fem!Reader

Word Count: 5.5k+

Summary: This isn’t quite the prompt, but I took a lot of inspiration from this request… JJ feels lost, not knowing at all of what happened. One minute she was finally happy, the next it was all just gone. But then she gets the called. You were in trouble, digging too deep into something you shouldn’t have. Framed for murder, you had a means to prove your innocence, JJ just couldn’t figure out why you were refusing.

Warnings: brief mentions of blood, lots of talk about kind of depression and anger, tons of mentions of a cult and brief mentions of murder (no details though)!

A/N: hi I’m sorry this wasn’t exactly what you asked for but I still wanted to use this request to post my first part as it is what gave me part of the inspiration! So no death penalty mentioned (although reader kinda has her own death sentence rn if you ask me…) also if anyone can guess the video game reference I based the cult around, you should come be my best buddy. (It’s super obvious too 😅…)

Series Master List || Part 2

(Gif not mine; credit to creator)

Part 1: Tides

JJ didn’t feel like herself, not anymore. She had gone through life feeling particularly numb since she started this job, but this was a whole other level. It was like part of her shut completely down, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t get feeling back. This numbness was uncomfortable to say the least. 

She wished she could say she didn’t know why she shut down so hard. She wished she could say it was a passing phase, a particularly bad mood that just hadn’t gone away yet, but she knew that wasn’t the case. This feeling was going to last a long while. At this point, it felt like it was going to stick with her for the rest of her life. She couldn’t run from the feeling and she couldn’t chase it away. JJ was just left with this unbearable emptiness.

That’s how JJ found her body moving on autopilot to the gym at such an ungodly hour. No one would be there, that’s why she chose the middle of the night to drive all the way to Quantico and utilize one of its many facilities. So, with her gym bag slung over her shoulder, she made her way to the punching bag that was practically calling out to her. She didn’t bother with standards right now. Any other day she would use hand wraps, gloves, you name it. But tonight she didn’t care. She just wanted to take out her emotions on the bag in front of her, consequences be damned.

So that’s exactly what she did. JJ put her full force into every swing, not stopping for the sting she felt in her knuckles, not stopping to catch a breath, and not stopping to react to the sound of footsteps in the back of the room. She only cared about the feeling it was giving her right now, no attention was paid to the watchful eyes behind her. JJ just kept swinging. 

With sweat coating her skin and her chest heaving, she kept going. Each time her fists made contact with the bag, the satisfying thud of her punch filled her chest with something she couldn’t quite describe. The numbness was still there, but at least there was something else bubbling past it. Anger maybe? Confusion? She could feel it slithering through her veins with each hit. At least it was better than closing herself off again. That’s not what she wanted for herself, but try all she might, she couldn’t stop it from overwhelming her. 

And then she thought about it too much. Thoughts of all the progress she made flooded her mind, thoughts of how she was trying to be something more than what the job had made her. She thought she was being vulnerable, thought she was being what someone else could want and need. Her world had opened up for her for the first time since she didn’t even know when and then suddenly, without reason, without explanation, it was gone. It was just fucking gone. 

If JJ was pulling her punches before, she most certainly wasn’t now. She let out a yell or more like a heartbreaking, pain filled howl into what she thought was an empty room as her fists picked up the pace for a moment. But after that moment was over, after she yelled all she could yell, she slumped forward, catching herself onto the bag to hold herself up as she panted and struggled to catch her breath.

She shut her eyes tight, working on regaining composure. All she heard for a moment was the sound of her breathing and her own pulse pounding in her ears. But then, after just a moment the silence was broken. Not by her, but the silent onlooker. 

“Wow,” the voice said from the back of the room. “Impressive. Mind spotting me?”

JJ stiffened. She didn’t have to turn around to know who was waiting for her. JJ knew the voice well and was cursing herself that she let someone, let alone one of her teammates, see her like this. Grunting, JJ shoved herself off the bag and decided to make her way hastily past her friend. “Sorry, I’m heading home for the night.” She hoped that would be enough for her not to be questioned, but of course it wasn’t. 

“What are you even doing here at this hour?” Tara didn’t even miss a beat. As JJ picked up her gym bag and made her way to the locker rooms, Tara was right on her heels.

“I could ask the same thing,” JJ fired back, still looking ahead as she made her way to her own locker.

“Everyone knows I come here this early.” JJ hadn’t even realized it wasn’t the middle of the night anymore, it was starting to become early morning. 5:30 is what her watch said when she glanced down. She had been working out for a good while then. JJ wondered just how long she was being watched. 

When she made it to her particular locker she sat down on the bench in front of it. Pulling out what she needed to repack into her gym bag and taking out what she would want for later, because she was sure she’d be back at this again before the day was done. This being the only thing that helped the numbing feeling she was drowning in, she thought it might become a more frequent habit. 

JJ was so lost in what she was doing she forgot for a second that Tara was still standing by her with watchful eyes. That is, until they both stopped for a moment to eye the red and purple bruising of her knuckles mixed with the trickle of blood that ran down her hands.

“Okay,” Tara sat down right next to JJ on the locker room bench. “What’s going on with you?”

“I was training,” JJ’s answer was short as she checked out the damage to her hands. 

“I’ve seen training, that was not training,” Tara scoffed. “When you train you're focused, but today you were going to town on that punching bag like it personally offended you.” 

JJ didn’t say anything, just grunted as she continued to look into her knuckles, getting angrier by the minute from the mistreatment she put them through with her so-called “training.” Of course she wasn’t training. She came to blow off some steam, to blow up at something since she couldn’t just scream at an innocent coworker. She didn’t expect Tara to be in the gym getting ready for a work out at the same time. She thought she picked a good time when everyone would be away. Clearly, with the other woman sitting next to her, she was very wrong. It wasn’t even her intention to stay here that long. She just lost track of time. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” JJ’s voice came out a little more bitter than she intended it to, but at the same time, someone was interrupting her much needed alone time. It wasn’t her fault that Tara insisted on being in the line of fire for her bad mood.

“It’s about (Y/N), isn’t it?” JJ’s head snapped up in an instance at that and Tara knew she found her answer. “I knew there was something between you two and my suspicions only grew when I saw you moping around the minute she was gone.” JJ’s whole demeanor changed at this, her tense posture changing to one of defeat. So it was a little obvious huh? Of course it was if her closest friends were profilers. Still, she thought they would mind their own damn business. “So what exactly was going on?”

“We… I was in love, but I guess it’s over now.” JJ’s head hung low as Tara stared expectantly at her. She remained silent, as JJ kept her eyes glued to the floor. If she looked up at her friend’s face what would she find? Shock? Disapproval? Disappointment? She couldn’t take the chance of seeing any of it. If JJ were to be given any other reason to be more ashamed with herself than she already was, she wasn’t sure how she could bear it. It wasn’t like it was exactly a bad thing for you two to be involved with each other, at least not in JJ’s opinion. But you also were often called as a consultant on cases since Reid was gone and it felt almost as if you were becoming a permanent member of the team. You had worried it would look bad for JJ if people knew she was having a fling with someone she frequently worked with, so the two of you decided to wait before going public. 

“How long?” Was all Tara whispered into the stillness of the locker room. “How long were you two…” she drifted off. JJ hadn’t named what it was, just admitted that it was something and that there were feelings involved. At least on JJ’s side, that is. It seemed to the outside eye, given the circumstances, that you didn’t feel the same or at least JJ didn’t know if you did or not. Either way, Tara wasn’t about to name what you two had herself, she’d leave that to JJ. Let her share what she felt she could. It must have been important though, at least in Tara’s opinion, if it was affecting her friend so visibly. Tara might have been newer to the team, but from early on she learned that the blonde was usually a closed book. 

“I’m not sure really,” JJ mumbled as she nervously rubbed at her bloodied knuckles. “A few months maybe? It didn’t really have a start date. She came in for one case then another and each time we got closer and closer until…”

“Until you fell in love?” Tara offered.

“Yeah,” JJ finally looked up to meet Tara’s eyes. “It didn’t end when I realized I loved her though.” JJ continued to rub at hands nervously. She didn’t miss the way Tara flicked her eyes from her own to her knuckles, no doubt reading her for whatever scrap of emotion JJ failed to hide. Even while JJ was caught in a more vulnerable position by her friend and coworker, she was still quick to guard herself, only giving Tara what she already knew was too late to hide again. “I didn’t run this time, but I never told her,” JJ let out a bitter chuckle. “For all that we face, that’s what terrified me most. Maybe it’s because I waited too long.” 

“It’s not easy,” Tara’s hand fell onto JJ’s shoulder. “We’re taught to close ourselves off from the emotions that come with seeing what we see every day for our job, but sometimes we can carry that over into our personal lives.” 

“I tried,” JJ shut her eyes tight for a moment, willing her voice to stay steady as she was hit with so much pain. “I tried with her. She was the first person I ever did that for. But she still- she just…”

“Disappeared.” JJ could hear the irritation in Tara’s voice with that one word too. It wasn’t just her that was upset, it was everyone. No one got an answer for why you disappeared. No one got even the smallest goodbye. Not even JJ, who had thought for sure her feelings were reciprocated. But it could never work out like that, right? Not with who JJ is, not with the depressing and dark nature of her job that you somehow got dragged into. 

Everyone grew attached to you the moment you agreed to be a consultant for the BAU. You were bright, you were happy, your pep once rivaled Garcia’s. But then it started to fade slower and slower. No one else saw, but JJ sure did and she would lie awake for countless nights next to you, wondering what to do to bring that light back. She never did figure it out, and she would be lying if she didn’t expect you to leave, but she had hoped you loved her enough to figure it out. What she didn’t expect was for you to up and disappear without a word. 

At first, JJ was worried. It felt like her worst nightmares came to life, that you were kidnapped by some unsub she didn’t know about. Then, as she dug to find out where you might have gone she realized from your credit card purchase history, it was unmistakably you still using it. It was clear you were trying to get away, and all she could assume from the sudden radio silence was that you were trying to get away from her.

The two agents sat in silence on the locker room bench for a moment. Both going over so many different things in their minds. JJ’s mind spiraling for the millionth time on your leaving and Tara’s running over every possible reason you could’ve just up and left without even a goodbye. Maybe JJ and you weren’t out in the open, but Tara clocked that there was something more between you two the moment she saw the way you looked at each other. So the real question for her was, how could you break JJ’s heart like that? You didn’t seem like the type to just ghost a girl, let alone the whole team. Something else was going on, Tara felt it deep in her bones. She just didn’t know what, but she did know that JJ was too clouded with heartbreak to see it that way just yet.

Suddenly, Tara’s phone breaks both their spiraling trains of thought. The caller ID flashes with Emily’s name and immediately Tara accepts, knowing that if it was this early in the day, then it was absolutely urgent. 

There’s a brief greeting before she fell silent to listen to what Emily had to say. Muttering a “uh huh” a few times before the expression on her face grew more somber. 

JJ could hear how frantic Emily sounded on the other end, but couldn’t make out the words she was saying. Fortunately, JJ didn’t have to wait long before Tara removed the phone from her ear and clicked end on the call.

JJ was holding her breath for Tara’s next words, but she had no idea why. Tara’s face was unreadable, but JJ just had this intuition that something bad was happening. 

“It’s (Y/N).” Tara’s tone was grim. “She’s in trouble.” 

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It took very little time for the team to devise a plan with the limited information they had after the news broke. JJ felt like her whole body was vibrating as she ran around the BAU trying to put out this new fire. And calling this situation a “fire” was an understatement. It was more like a gigantic explosion. Like her whole world was burning to the ground. 

Wanted for murder. Being held on at least three charges. That was ridiculous to say the least, but obviously the police had some strong evidence against you. JJ was going to fight this for you, she just had to learn how.

It didn’t matter to JJ why you left the minute she got the news. It didn’t matter how much heartache you gave her, how you brought her walls back up full force the minute you disappeared. Nothing mattered right now but getting you out of jail. JJ couldn’t begin to imagine the fear you felt. She knew you well, she knew you were innocent. In learning all she did, there was never one moment where she questioned your innocence in all this, and from what she saw of her team, they all agreed. So pain aside she was going to save you, the whole BAU was. 

That’s how she found herself speeding down the highway with Rossi behind the wheel, almost as anxious as she was. And that’s how she found herself letting Rossi take the lead, bursting into the federal jail and flashing credentials before anyone could even blink. 

Mere minutes was all it took for the people of the jail to set you up in an interrogation room so that JJ and Rossi could meet with you and get to the bottom of this garbage fire. The minute JJ saw you practically pushed into the room, she had to hold back a gasp at your appearance. You looked basically dead on your feet. Your face was incredibly pale, your eyes sunken and dark. JJ knew you well and guessed it had been a good while since you slept or even ate for that matter. She had to get you out of here, and from the brief glance she shared with Rossi, she knew he was thinking the exact same thing. 

When you both sat down, JJ let Rossi take the lead, lest she give away too much of her emotions. The switch from being overwhelmingly numb to incredibly furious hit the minute she saw your face. Not that she was furious at you. Hurt by you still, definitely. But not angry. No, she was angry at the people who put you here. Couldn’t they see that the innocent girl they had locked up like a monster wasn’t capable of any of this? 

“What are we doing here, (Y/N)?” Rossi was finally the first to speak. JJ’s nails were digging into her knees as she sat rigid on the seat across from you. She couldn’t bear to meet your eyes, even for a second so hers darted everywhere across the room but your face and yours seemed to do the same. Never in her life did JJ think she’d be terrified of an interrogation room, she was more than familiar with them by now, but there’s a first for everything. 

“I was poking around where I shouldn’t have…” you finally spoke. Your voice was quiet, hesitant, broken. It was the first words JJ has heard in weeks after begging whatever higher power would listen to let her hear it one more time. Her stomach twisted at the inkling of happiness she got from hearing you again, even if it was in such a small, pained tone. 

“I’ll say,” Rossi scoffed. “Poking around is a light way to put it if you’re here on multiple murder charges.” 

“I-“

“She didn’t hurt anybody.” JJ snapped before you could even begin to answer. 

“I know,” Rossi put his hands up in mock surrender. “I know that, you know that. We just have to convince them…” Rossi motioned to the room around them as if to mean the jail as a whole, “That this girl sitting next to us couldn’t hurt a fly.” Rossi leaned back on his chair and gave JJ a knowing look before turning his gaze back to you. He offered you a friendly smile and folded his hands back on the table. “Now, I’ll ask again. What are we doing here?”

“Do you remember months ago, when you investigated a cult? You called me in as a consultant, but before I could dig deeper you had already decided to rule out the cult…” you waited for a moment to make sure they were listening and knew of the group you spoke of. Rossi gave you an encouraging nod and you continued. “I didn’t stop digging and I found… everything.” 

“(Y/N), after that case I told you to leave it the hell alone.” JJ growled, nails digging harder into her knees as she struggled to keep it together.  “They’re a dangerous group to be mixed up in.” 

“Isn’t every cult?” Rossi interjected, before turning back to you. “So you continued to dig into this cult we ran into. What was it called… something stupid…” 

“The Chant.” You and JJ both say at once. JJ shot you an annoyed look at your eagerness to share all you know about the cult. JJ had begged Emily not to call you to consult on this, but you were the best in your field. A PhD in religious studies, specializing in ritual practice and folk religion, of course Emily was going to call. You were their go-to on religion based cases, without you they would’ve missed some key motives and insight into certain unsubs. JJ was always nervous, but also so proud to see you working with her work family. It was different, though, with this case. Something deep inside JJ screamed at her to keep you away from this group at all costs.

The team determined that the murders they were investigating were a deadend, but suspected the cult. It was just that every lead they had ended up going nowhere. Eventually, they had to move on. You were incredibly against just leaving and letting them be. JJ and the rest of the team had to practically drag you away. 

For what it was worth, you weren’t the only one who wanted to continue investigating them, Alvez did too. With his approval that only fueled your mission more to overturn every stone and uncover every clue, but it was JJ’s practical begging that had you finally turn away. Something, none of the team questioned. They may not have known that you two were more than friends, and on any other day maybe they’d be curious as to why you backed down so easily all of a sudden. However, most of the team was just relieved JJ could convince you. That alone told JJ she wasn’t the only one who didn’t like you sniffing around this Chant group. 

“But digging around on a dangerous cult usually gets you killed, not incarcerated.” Rossi commented as he continued to put the puzzle pieces together. 

“It was a clever move on their part,” you offer dryly.

 “They were already under suspicion for murder. One more body, one more step closer to getting shut down.” Rossi put the puzzle pieces together. 

“Exactly,” you nodded. “But I got too close, found out too much and I wasn’t exactly careful…”

“Of course you weren’t,” JJ scowled. 

You just ignored her and continued. “I knew they figured out I was looking into them when some of them showed up to a lecture I was giving, badly disguised might I add. They wear these crystals they can never take off without breaking a major law within their group. It’s a dead giveaway and-“ 

“We can go over the details of the cult later,” Rossi interrupted, not wanting to reveal too much in a monitored space. “You still haven’t answered how they put you here.” 

“Right right,” you took a deep breath before going back to your story. “When I saw them at my lecture, I knew they’d follow me. I know how they work, how they pick their victims, how they deal with those who know too much. I know what they do, not just to the person, but their whole family so on that day I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t let them follow me to-“ your eyes flick to JJ and you stop for a moment. “I couldn’t let them follow me home, so instead I just ran. What I didn’t expect was them to use my office to plant evidence in my absence and get me arrested.”

“So you fleeing… that just looks like you’re running from the cops and not running from a crazy, murderous cult.” Rossi finally connected the last piece. He seemed almost triumphant in this revelation.

“They have solid evidence against me,” you hung your head low. “The Chant is crafty.”

“They’ve got bullshit,” Rossi snorted. “Compared to what we deal with everyday, proving your innocence is child’s play.” You searched Rossi’s eyes for any sign of doubt but his facial expression was unwavering as he sat on the other side of the table from you. Finally, you chanced a short glance at JJ’s face, but it was her eyes that told you a different story than Rossi’s. It was her eyes that betrayed Rossi’s confident declaration. She didn’t believe him. “The whole team is on this case for you, kid. Give us a little bit of time, we’ll get you back home.”

Home. Regardless of getting out, could you even go home? Go back to a life where you could continue to be in love with JJ and build a future together? No, you didn’t think so. The cult would hunt you until either you were dead or all their members were. Considering this cult has been around since the 70s, discreetly murdering people for decades, you didn’t think the second option was very likely. You weren’t safe at home and more importantly, JJ wasn’t safe near you. But you weren’t even safe in jail, knowing the cult had eyes everywhere. Your only option, when you get out of here, was to hide again. Not much of a future? Maybe, but at least you were surviving until you could find a solid way to expose the Chant.

In a perfect world, this whole mess would lead to you blowing the case on the cult wide open and running back into the arms of your beautiful, blonde, hero that was currently sitting across from you with the most heartbreaking expression you’ve ever seen. But that was in a perfect world. You meant it when you said they were crafty and you also knew you really fucked up. Yes, you learned almost all there was to learn about the Chant, but you weren’t careful and you’re pretty sure they were able to learn almost all there was to learn about you in return. Hopefully, they hadn’t learned of the little secret relationship you had with the girl sitting across from you. Part of you thought they surely couldn’t, especially when you didn’t think the team knew. A larger part of you doubted that, but couldn’t take that chance. 

Rossi and JJ both noticed your silence when Rossi mentioned you going home. To anyone else, hearing the BAU was on the case and you’d be going home would’ve garnered some sort of positive reaction, but JJ saw through your silence. There was a lot more to this than they had uncovered yet, JJ could tell from just looking into your eyes. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe that they could get you home, JJ knew that you understood the skill and success their team had. It wasn’t that you wanted to stay in jail. JJ knew you were smart enough to know that being here wouldn’t protect you like the team could protect you. No, it was something else. Something that made the little voice in the back of her mind scream at her that it was her that you wanted to be away from her, but she pushed that voice back. She didn’t have all the pieces to this puzzle yet, but she was going to find them. 

For the next few hours JJ and Rossi spent the time with you pouring over any detail they could pry out of you. Neither of them missed the way you held back on a lot of their questions or the way your eyes darted around the room, trying to discover who else might be watching. When JJ was given some other files requested, she read through them thoroughly while you and Rossi went over a few more details to the evidence they found. Then, JJ stopped when she looked at the details from one of the murders. The date and time is what caught her eye and she immediately shot up in her chair. 

“This is it!” She slapped the file back down onto the table and her eyes burned with triumph as she waited for you to look at the file. You and Rossi glanced at it for a moment before both silently looking up at her for more of an explanation. “Look at the time frame for this murder,” JJ tapped her finger right where it said the time. “You have an alibi for this one. Wait actually…” JJ shuffled through the other murder charges, checking the date and time for each. “You have one for all of them.” 

You sat back, crossing your arms to your chest and giving her a stern look. This was it, you were hoping she wouldn’t have noticed, but it was JJ and she was good at her job. Of course she would notice. “Jennifer…” you warned. 

“(Y/N), you were with-”

“Don’t.” 

JJ’s jaw snapped shut when you cut her off with a voice harsher than she’s ever heard directed towards her. JJ stood up at that, chair scraping loudly against the hard floor of the interrogation room. “What? Why didn’t you tell them you had an alibi?” JJ’s voice grew louder as she accused you. This could’ve all been avoided if you just told them you were with another BAU agent the night the investigators placed the time of death. No one would question your alibi if you just said something. So why didn’t you? “Do you think I care if they know? (Y/N), just tell them, all those nights you and I were-”

“Stop!” You pleaded. If she said the words out loud, you weren’t sure if all who were listening to them were to be trusted. Yes, you had a solid alibi, but it could’ve put her in danger if the cult knew about JJ. It was bad enough now that JJ knew the cult was what drove you away and landed you in jail, there was no doubt in your mind that JJ wouldn’t try to start some wild hunt for them if you didn’t find some way to convince her to back off. But if the cult knew about how important she was to you? In all honesty, they might already, but there was still a chance they didn’t and you held onto that hope that she was still somewhat safe from the mess you got yourself into.

JJ’s hands slamming on the table in front of you is what sent you back to reality from your inner turmoil about keeping JJ safe. “I don’t care if they know.” JJ emphasized every single word. Obviously, that wasn’t what this was about, but for JJ’s sake hopefully that’s all she thought it was. If she thought for a moment that you were trying to protect her she’d scoff in your face and risk her safety to prove a point that she didn’t need your protection. She was strong, sure, but from what you learned, the cult was immensely powerful and you didn’t think the BAU team’s strength combined would be enough to take them down until you could devise a plan on your own. “We’re using that alibi and you’re going home.”

“No. I am not.” You demanded through gritted teeth. There’s no way in hell. The minute you use that to get yourself free, the Chant will get their hands on it and use this piece of information against you. “JJ, I don’t want to do that.”

“I don’t give a fuck!” JJ practically took a fist full of the files as she began to turn from the table and storm out of the room. 

“JJ, wait a minute!” Rossi jumped up behind her. “Maybe we should listen to her reason about-”

“I don’t give a damn about reason.” JJ turned on him quick, a storm of anger and frustration brewing in her eyes. “(Y/N) and I were together for each of these times of death. She wasn’t alone in her home, she was with me for the whole night, each night. We’re together and I’m pretty sure there’s footage on my security cameras proving the times of her coming and leaving my place.” JJ turned back around, files clutched tightly to her chest. “We’re using this alibi and you’re going home with me. You won’t stay here another minute longer than you have to. I’ll see to that.” JJ’s voice was shaking in anger as she said her last words.

You watched helplessly as Rossi shot you a concerned look before following JJ out. You slumped back in your chair while you waited for someone to escort you back out.

Well, this wasn’t good. You knew that you’d be found innocent at some point, but you thought it would be awhile. Afterall, when you made that phone call to Emily for help, you begged and pleaded for her to keep it to herself and get some outside help. Of course, that is the exact opposite of what happened. You should’ve known. The BAU were fiercely loyal to each other and you underestimate the degree in which they adopted you into their little work family. 

You had hoped that in the time it took Emily to help you out, you’d have come up with a plan to get distance from JJ again for her own safety while you tried to figure out your next move against the cult. Of course, that all went to shit with the stubborn insistence of the blonde. Honestly, you weren’t shocked. 

This wasn’t going to go the way you wanted it to, it already took a horrible turn. Deep down, though, you feared the worst was yet to come. 

tag list:@mmmmokdok @demonicbaby666 @daddy-jareau @geekyandgay98

[brilliantfantasticgeronimo]

(vibrates) it's slug time

loving the slang... "tightness all day long" "today is toasty". also love that "babes" survives way into the future. 15 this is ur legacy. "that woman was her sister" incest implication??? 2 minutes in

TURN LEFT /triggered

the design in this is impeccable.

this is so sims coded.... from the creators of "doctor who is a tv show" theory we bring u-> "doctor who is a videogame"

if u were disappointed with the focus on magic this ep this ep is rlly giving classic scifi parody lol

CRAZY DAYS

there's a lot of wordsmith-ing in this ep….eyes emoji

i love ruby sm now she's so resourful in every ep

this episode is like "this is how an anniversary multi-doctor multi-companion multi-master webcam special could still win"

ok but seriously. ppl are gonna be like "phones bad is dumb of course people look where they are!!!" bro. they dont. and yeah it can have deadly consequences. there's a reason "dont text and drive" campaigns happen.

ruby has done SO many callcenter type jobs forreal.

SLUG TIME SLUG TIME SLUG TIME.

DR PEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

this episode is amazing

"is that thing something to do with you?" bitch (i got a bit spoiled that she's a racist (damn "looking at tumblr for 2 secs to vibe check" habit) so im looking at this with more hindsight than u are supposed to sdlkfjd)

bluie light celeste and gold motif in ruby and the doc's backdrops? also fifteen in orange <3333333 my beloved

the interior design is ON POINT this ep "you dont know how to walk without the arrows?" "condescending much?" bitch

this episode is so fun lol

"fifteen nd ruby react channel" realness (WHICH…..HEY…….DO U KNOW WHAT PPL REACT TO………………………. T V SH O W S (clown make up fully on))

ruby has done so much service calling jobs forreal lol the sheer patience

the doctor really wanting to lose their minds here but having to hold it together is peak doctor sdkjfsd (also very realistic of the struggles i expected a black doctor to work thru)

there's a bit of a theme of instinct vs programming going on here.

"surrounded by this woodland forest thing. it's like, really natural"

hashtag obsessed with it the catharsis im feelin tbh. 2 ppl being like "yo mass killing is rlly wrong" while the cacophony of the internet ~fun goes on and on. where's the [fiction]

ITS LIKE LOVE ISLAND THE PLANET. BRO. bro im so WIRED IN /clown make up intensifies

penny pepper bean still strong holding the 12 ppl still in the tory party together in the year something something

"ruby and the doctor struggle to lie in the moment" is my favorite recurring trope

the doctor using the sonic as a remote right there……………….. im running out of clown make up ya'll

"you did NOT just "@everyone" realism

no one ever listens to the goths….

until its too late…

its interesting that there's no cameras in their feeds, tho. right? like. that's the layer i think it's profoundly different to irl in this satire / social crit. ppl are *locked out* of the real world bc they're looking at their screens, but they do that bc the screens are a constant waterfall of billions of camera footage either of individuals or coporations or institutions. always producing "content". so like is not that ppl dont "see" anythign irl but they see it all thru a filter or thru editing,,,, but its fine i get what the satire is going for slkdfj but yeah. i think thats why it may feel a bit "not quite capturing" of the current ~digital ethos

fifteen so close to losing it- fifteen if u want to go for a bit of a timelord victorious i wont judge. u can have it. as a treat.

doctor who is a videogame energy bbc merch idea -> zombies run type podcast but it's the doctor and ruby telling u where to go for a job so u dont die. (russel get on this)

YOU STILL HAVE BATTERY PROBLEMS

"this is your fault!" iconic. classic who

so many ppl have presumably died so far. god bless. we needed an ep like this. proper high body count who feels good. feels organic.

rip the au where these were the beatles. thats 1 theory im really gonna mourn for the rest of the series lol

plaza 55…… orphan 55 reference???

great abrogation sounds important.

"i will get out out of here. i promise" obligatory doctor mirroring moment.

oh shit.

"thi iss SO manual"

"hands off" I LOVE THEM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The doctor x companion x some bland guy love triangle DREAM omg

"he says they're saving us to eat for last (snob voice)maybe we're the most tasty" scream. this ep is so fun.

pentecost's style was so on point.

wasnt her battery running out? (i may have missed something sldkjf)

bro stop hitting the fucking gas pipes oh my goddddd

holy shit. RICKY NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

that was brutal.

racists are gonna hate this episode so much lol

fifteen getting to experience all the microaggressions/outright aggressions thirteen didnt. yay progress(???) "thats voodoo" holy shi t

"maintain the standards of finetime" rtd was pissed when writting this lol

fifteen is not doing all rightkids.

ncuti's "who's my doctor? he's a black man" prophecy comes FULL CIRCLE

fifteen looking at US tho…………… this is a tv show man. this is a tv show. this is - *im struggle against my straight-jacked as im graddged back to the cushion-walled cell*

the plot twist of this ep………… phones good actually. thank u phones. u are doing a service.

CONCLUSIONS!

so there's a lot of ways to chop this one…

"racism and capitalism still exists in the future" is a trope that it's kind of limiting / always grates me in some ways (it feeds into the anti-racism of ppl whose politics doesnt trascend idealist philosophy -> that is, it is an anti-racism that can't conceive of an end to racism bc it doesn't actually have a political project that address the material causes of racism and just tries to fix the "natural prejudices" away with "education". in other words, it cant portray a word without racism bc it cant *conveive* of one.) . however i think im more open to it this time / this series since s11 onwards the focus has been so much on telling stories about the present with scifi make up on. and i think this one manages to do that rlly well. ___

another vertice to look this one on is whether... is it really "doing anything" to have racism portrayed on screen (and other bigotry) in a scifi story? if u already experience racism or understand it happens, who is served by this? it's hurtful to watch and it's like missing the chance to "show a different world" is possible thru scifi. and the counterargument to that is on a """""color blind"""""" 2020s world it is rlly cathartic and re-affirming to have stories that *show* the realities of the world, and that dont shy away from showing those realities in fear of them coming off as "over the top" (bc they arent. some ppl will still walk away from this ep thinking "haha fun satires" but like. this is literally how White Rich People Talk. in real life.......) and again in this one time i think it works really well bc doctor who has… probably never done this? lol there's moments with martha and ryan for example, but never going this hard on it. but im open to discussion tbh. i think the angle of "is this a story about racism for white people to learn or is it a cathartic for *black / brown people to experience catharsis in" is gonna be one for fruitful discussion in the future. ___

besides the socio-political points,,,, bro this episode was a thrill ngl sdlkjf like so many simple, excellent moments like the girl walking into the light post. the made up slang and the real slang!!!!. the excellent interior design. "ruby and fifteen react to doctor who". just lots of fun little details. the execution was really inspired.

character point -> tbh fifteen at the end feels like a bit of Growth from like, ten at his worst moments -> "he's not the person you would have chosen to survive, but if you could decide who lives or dies, doctor, that would make you a monster"

also kinda wonder how this episde will hit for newbies / Not Us. i think a lot of its gut punch comes from dw never doing this before and so the strenght of subverting those expectations. is this an story that stands on its own w/o all the 60 years of context? we'll have to show it to our normie friends and see lol

[blackstarchanx3new]

Creations AU, But I obnoxiously over explain it PT 11

Pages 301-330

Again thanks to @akdrawsandwrites for helping with some of these pages, I can't remember which but I recognize a few of them as theirs. X'D They did a great job lining and coloring a few of these. Apricate it immensely.

We hitting end game what I have page wise guys.

Thanks for baring with my nonsense. I hope to finish the FNAF 1 arc. But I will post the other side comics and long winded explanations of those. X'D Hope you've enjoyed Creations so far! It was a labor of love because I love FNAF. A lot...

Can I just say I like Freddy and Mike's dynamic.

I like Freddy a lot in Creations because he's like, so NOT fannon Freddy in all the ways that hits me in the "Aww yeah that's good shit" way. X'D

He's a flamboyant full of gender slut that is scared of ghosts despite BEING A POSSESSED ROBOT lmfao. His design just hits my brain in a nice way too. He's so cute.

He gives sassy drag queen vibes and I like him.

I am not really a fan of fannon Freddy unless it's like super specific circumstances.

I'm going to dip into "I hate this trope" territory but keep in mind you are not obligated to write around my preferences. Or even force yours to fit mine. That'd be dumb. Write what makes you happy I'm just talking about shit I don't enjoy personally.

Bitch mode activated:

If you're going with him being possessed by a child, which a LOT of people do to stay cannon it makes ZERO sense for him to be a sensible leader type unless you like GIVE HIM A REASON? Which most people don't. Most people also make him a bitch which I hate.(And not in a campy gay bitch way like Creations Freddy that makes the queer part of me laugh and relate to) I'm not sure I understand the idea of making Freddy so damn unlikable in a story based on the franchise ABOUT HIM??? Like...It's so fucking overdone I'm sorry lmfao be a bit more damn creative. Don't be lazy? Give him a damn personality outside of "Cunt for no reason with a stick up his ass" like? Idk? Be FUN with him! Does he feel the NEED to be the leader because he's designed that way by the company? Does the stress EAT at him? If you DO go the route of making him posessed by a child: Did he feel the need to grow up and act more adult. How often does he fail at this task? What are the consequences? People's bad writing makes me think of reasons for him that aren't in the text 99% of the damn time. Quite frankly: I am not a fan of popular fnaf comics. Like any of them. X'D They feel really soul-less a lot of the time in a way I can't quite describe...

A lot of the creators hate working on them, hate their fanbase and hate the games past a certain point so that's probs why lmfao. I've gotten pissed at the fans on Webtoon, and gotten pissed at how much of a slog some scenes and I've considered quitting once or twice, but never cause I hated the actual games, or the comic and story of Creations, just cause some scenes are annoying to work on from a writer's perspective or cause people misinterpreted the story so bad they had no clue what was going on. I fucking love FNAF and wanted to make a fan story that you could tell came from a place of love.

Here's some pitfalls to avoid:

Don't start hating your own characters. It will hurt your writing. I've noticed LOTS of FNAF comic makers start to hate their own damn characters. PUT. THE. COMIC. DOWN. I AM SERIOUS.

If you start to despise your own work. STOP. TAKE A BREAK. REFELCT. Maybe it won't be PERMINENT but until you can sort out what your deal is STOP.

You are doing NO ONE favors by continuing to the point you start actively shit talking everyone and everything that comes into contact with this story that way.

If you noticed: I STARTED FALLING INTO THAT SHIT. OH GOD BLACKSTAR HAS FLAWS! O.O

Me doing THIS, talking about how I love my own comic appreciating how much time and work I put into it: all the goofy fun stuff I put in as easter eggs the characters ex, was a way to reinvent my feelings towards this comic because I WANT TO FINISH IT and it's helped a lot. FIND JOY IN THE PROCESS OF CREATION. ;)

If you aren't liking FNAF as much as you used too: Literally just go back and watch smth you liked about it before. The ruin DLC sparked my shit back into gear, watching old lets plays and listening to fan music also helped. Just. Idk. Engage with the thing you're making a damn comic about? Like, find out what you loved to begin with.

I have like 4+ comics I work on in rotation when I'm not in the mood to work on one. Variety helps me too.

Another thing I'd advise against: Don't make a big diaper baby blow out scene about "Leaving" a fanbase. It's fucking embarrassing. If you don't feel the spark, you don't feel it. That's FINE. As an autistic person: My interests change like a girl changes clothes.

But don't literally shit your pants and make a scene about it people will look back at you as the person who shat their pants in front of everyone and embarrassed themselves.

If you're asking yourself "Is star talking about X artist?" honey I'm talking about at least 4 different ones I've seen do this exact thing and I got second hand embarrassment every time. If you resent the popularity you got from certain fanbases: I'm sorry the best thing to do is move on. Yes. Again I speak from experience. (Not FNAF, but a different fanbase)

If you don't get as much recognition on your OG works: Tough shit I'm sorry that's how it is. As someone who does OC comics I've accepted "Some people just won't read this cause FNAF isn't attached, and that's okay. I am the same way. You cannot expect people to love everything you create"

As a child/teen, watching actual adults do this shit made me the person I am today but deciding: "Nah that's dumb, I am getting second hand embarrassment and I am not behaving that way"

Childishness is something big artists need to learn is a problem before they get big. Temper tantrums aren't a cute look for anyone.

It's okay to get in over your head with shit. Just try to be calm about things here's things that overtime I've learned help me cope with huge projects:

They're meant to be fun. If you aren't having fun: Figure out why and change it. You aren't obligated to finish them. You can always come back. Another reason to not "shit your pants" as I call it. People will love to see more from your comic if you put it down and come back. :) It's more embarrassing to shit your pants and then come back like you never did and try to keep going. Keep doors open if you would. My "Shit your pants" moment singlehandedly keeps me away from one fandom lmfao avoid it if you can. Try not to be a cunt about the thing that GOT you popular. You will look like a class act clown I guarantee it. If people don't understand your comic and that is causing frustration, I genuinely advise making a "Director's commentary" style thing like this. It's a lot of fun. X'D And it might give people perspective into your madness.

This doesn't help if you're just a control freak tho lmfao.

Anyways, enough of my blabbing about my history watching old fandom artists assassinate their own characters for all to see in the most embarrassing and violent fashion, and how that irreversibly changed me as a person, back to the actual damn comic.

Interrupted. He has no respect for Mike.

So Freddy describes typical haunting behavior for ghosts. Smells and SOME people are spiritually inclined while some aren't. As we've seen Mike for example can't see ghosts unless they WANT him to see them.

Sammy apparently can see ghosts and is considered "Insane" we can kiiiinda see why from earlier. X'D

It's safe to say Mike took that personally.

Awkward.

Default to insults Freddy, it's okay we understand you're perfect- Freddy you stupid idiot you should have kept your mouth shut it's not nice to call mentally ill people "Freaks".

Mike REASONABLY asks if the ghosts are REAL and considering we know 1 is for certain Sammy's not "Bonkers" according to Freddy.

Freddy just showing off his personality like usual.

Freddy he can't make eye contact. HE'S AUTISTIC.

Anyways even Freddy's noticed Sammy's eyes are weird.

Okay funny thing: Freddy was going to make a dick sucking joke but none I came up with were very funny.

If I remember right one was smth like "You always sound like you just choked on a dick" or something like that??? Something this vulgar makes sense from Creations Freddy but I decided to tone it back a little. X'D I also felt it was very mean.

Freddy's mean enough as it is lmfao.

Freddy stop sexualizing the night guard-

Uh oh-

Your daily reminder Mike is short-

Freddy is the worst. But I love him.

Chica giving sass for that. She doesn't apear much but I like her.

Foxy got thanos snapped lmfao I had no idea what to do with him in this comic ngl. X'DDDDDDD

Maybe he'll show up later...Maybe.

He showed up in the OG shitpost version of this comic and Bonnie sold him out for cigarettes.

Our boys meet up once again. :)

Michael couldn't see him the previous day for whatever reason.

PFF. JUST LIKE AN ANIME MAN!

Also Mike that's harassment...

Lmfao. I don't remember exactly when I decided Mike was trans but I know it was FAILRY early on. Not there were many references to it.

The fact color wise: he's a walking pride flag is kinda a clue I suppose. X'D

Oh mah goodness. Oh my damn. It's the other Freddy.

HAHA OH WHAT MIKE?

Well shit there's a TON of victims then.

Bonnie. Your buddy is a murderer-

Hehehe yeah but you're also a short king buddy-

Hahaha. So this thing eats children nice to know.

Mike being a smart boy like usual.

Hehe. Face plates. :)

Mike doesn't wanna be around this thing, and I can't blame him. Also I find it genuinely hilarious how half the panels in some of these pages are drawn by me, and half are drawn by AK.

We get into pages I can't be bothered to color the remaining pages are colored kinda randomly. Funtime Freddy as you can probebly tell is ANNOYING to color. He has SO MANY COLORS it got very overwhelming trying to color him. I'm sorry but that's how it is lmfao. X'D I wanna be done with the FNAF 1 arc:

Cool thing tho, if I ever want to color em the characters are white so I can just slap a multiply layer on and go brrrr with color.

Anyways, they both decide to leave at the same time.

I'm sure nothing will come of this. :)

Hehehhehehe he knows something....

OH GOD.

Oh fuck. Mike got vored.

I'm sorry I have to make this joke, vore is terrible and I hate it I've made that very well known and joking about how much I despise it is how I cope.

Having said that: I love the stomach hatch idea/being trapped inside an animatronic.

It's like the Springlock mechanic taken to the next level lmfao. Complete and utter hopelessness on the end of the person inside, claustrophobia, IMANENT DEATH, IT'S HORRIFYING AND I LOVE IT. >:)

A+ Horror idea.

OBVIOUSLY: this is based on COUNT THE WAYS from the 1st Fazbear's Fright novels.

Can I just say, Luring and trapping people this way is so fucking creative I LOVE THE SL ROBOTS. Like, it's just so cool of an idea because it already kinda plays off the idea from FNAF 1 that there's children STUFFED inside the FNAF 1 robots. (As a way to hide them)

but SL robots do that, but TRANSPORT said children/use their chambers to KILL said children and harvest remnant. THAT IS SO DARKLY AWESOME.

IK we're all hyping up the MIMIC and it's ability to copy people's voices but uh: FUNTIME FOXY DID THAT SHIT FIRST FROM THEIR BLUEPRINTS.

I'm sad to this DAY people don't use Funtime Foxy's voice mimic mechanic in fan content. THAT'S AWESOME.

I like the trap mechanic and how it's used again for the twisted ones. It's such a great idea to make a robot that's friendly on the outside but is basically a fucking iron maiden on the inside. Like DAMN. THAT GOES SO HARD!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! :D

Also all the short jokes have a purpose: Mike's small enough to fit inside Funtime Freddy. Because he's built to capture kids.

Something I worry about with Funtime Freddy:

He is a FAN FAVORITE In Creations. Like. People like him. A LOT.

I made a lot of side comics with him and Bon Bon. Where Bon Bon is his emotional support bunny rabbit. People really liked that. Because Funtime Freddy was showing relatable autistic behavior (He struggles with shit I do lmao.)

I'm worried about 'Ruining' his character for people hah.

He's a butt-

GUESS WHO GOT RE-ENVIGORATED TO DRAW PAGES.

Me. After the movie.

Mike's having a harder time keeping his composure.

I feel like the reason is obvious: SL robots are literally only built to kill people, he's in the most dangerous part of the building, and Funtime Freddy's a wacko.

Haha. Word play. Funtime Freddy did not detect the albeit minimal exaggeration in what Bonnie said. Poor dude.

Haha will to live.

Funtime Freddy's out for blood.

More confirmation who our villain is.

So if you're not a Creations AU veteran, Funtime Freddy is just easily swayed by someone calming him down.

Mike's pretty good at faking shit.

Bon Bon isn't here rn, so Mike's taking on the role of "Calm the giant anxious bear down"

WE HAVE ALSO REACHED IMAGE CAP. SO WE WILL CAAAAARRYYYY OOOOOON-

Ending note: watched the FNAF movie again last night.

[rimouskis]

dude not to scuff my foot against the dirt about choices I made while fully knowing the consequences but also: my dad texted me saying that not only did he and my mom go meet my glamorous flew-in-from-LA movie-industry "aunt"*, her husband, and her dad at a swanky jazz cocktail bar to celebrate my "aunt's"* dad, who's 96 today(!!!), but also both of my sisters are there, both with their significant others 💔

*she's not my aunt, she's my mom's cousin, but "first cousin once removed" is a mouthful and also I call her my aunt lol

sometimes it's like man. the older I get the harder it is to live away from everyone.

it's dumb, because I love pittsburgh and I am very often so happy that I moved out here. something that's always stuck with me is my dad once told me he regretted how he and my mother never made the jump to live elsewhere. a huge part of him clearly wanted (and maybe still wants) to live out west. they honeymooned in colorado, and my dad said he wished they'd moved out there. but they both got jobs and just stayed, and now forty years later here they are, each only an hour from where they grew up.

so I'm glad I did it. I think I've gained a lot of life experience, and have gotten to know and love this city and its people. I could see this being a permanent home for me, sincerely. I have a wide network of friends across so many age groups, and I like the culture and the rolling hills and the greenness everywhere and of course the hockey ;)

but also I think about like, what if my sisters marry their boyfriends, both of whom I like. what if they settle down? I know my middle sister wants kids. I can't imagine not being around for that.

and then, on the flip side, I want to live so many places. I want to try out seattle so, so damn badly. I turned down a job offer out there a couple months ago and I don't regret it because it wasn't the right timing, but god. I want to be out there so badly.

but also every year feels closer to a year that my sisters really put down ROOTS. and it's like I can see the street lamps starting to flicker on, the universal signal for the kids out on the street to go home.

it's a complicated thing! and it's not a bad problem to have, not really. I have a lot of possibilities in front of me. there are good and bad consequences to any choice I could make. if I won the lottery I'd just have an apartment in each city and bounce between them, haha, but alas I've never bought a ticket.

anyways, I just think a lot about the lives of my sisters that I've missed out on, and my parents, and the people and family we have. but on the other hand I have a life I've lived and made and really, really enjoyed out here, so it's just a weighing of the scales, and I have to find some peace in balancing them because I feel like my story out-in-the-world isn't quite done yet.

this is getting rambly and off topic but I'm reminded of how my high school best friend once was surprised when I said I thought I'd wind up back home one day. she said I'd always been a bit drifty, a bit gone-where-the-wind-took-me, and she wasn't wrong. when I was in high school, I said I'd never move to the big city!!! I was going out west!!!

ah, how wrong I was, ahaha.

it's a complicated thing, feeling like you belong in many places at once. I belong home with my family and the city where all of our friends and family are. I belong here, in Pittsburgh, where I learned how to be an adult and where I have friends and colleagues and a million habits I enjoy and holes-in-the-wall I know and shopkeepers who wave hi to me in recognition and so many things I'd hate to give up. and every damn time I step foot in the PNW I just have a bone-deep feeling of "I belong here, I want to feel how I feel here all the time, I want to see these sights every day, I want to have the ocean and mountains and green green nature around me."

but there's only one me! and I certainly haven't ascended to the "live in three states for funsies" income bracket 😂😂😂

[emometalhead]

I finally finished Better Call Saul, and I need a place to house my overall thoughts.

• I hate Chuck. If Charles McGill has no haters, then I am dead.

• There are some characters in the BCS/BB universe who were in situations they didn't deserve. Chuck isn't one of them. He was horrible to Saul. He lived to spite him and keep him down. His last words to his BROTHER were "you never mattered all that much to me". Like WTF man!?!? Chuck deserved everything he got and worse. I don't feel bad in the slightest.

• Francesca quite literally got Saul in the divorce, and I kind of feel bad. She was so enthusiastic and sweet when she first started working at Wexler-McGill, and by the time she's solely Saul's employee her attitude has completely flipped. All of that being said, she's an icon.

• It was so nice seeing Mike on-screen again. He was one of my favorite characters in Breaking Bad, and his death feels the worst to me out of the main characters. It was interesting to learn a bit more about his background and to see him interact more with his family. I also enjoyed seeing his dynamic with Gus develop.

• Speaking of Gus, pretty much all of his actions in BCS seem on par with his character in BB. He took down Lalo in a pretty bad*** way, and that was awesome. I'm sad they only let him be gay for a fleeting moment though beyond other characters making fun of him for it.

• Nacho 😭. From the second Nacho first walked onto the screen, I knew there was only one way his story could end. His death still made me sad! Even though I anticipated it, the manner in which he died was really unexpected and more abrupt than I would've thought. He's a character whose consequences were the clear result of his own actions, but I still feel a bit bad.

• Like Nacho kind of had the Walt thing going on (he was good at his job, and he liked it), but I can't help but think if he wasn't being used+threatened by both sides that he genuinely would've gotten himself out. It's clear how much he cared about his dad, and I do truly feel that he wanted to make his dad proud (even after losing his trust/respect after joining the cartel).

• Manuel Varga, man 😭. Bruh. He hurt me. I feel so awful for him. He knew his son was never going to make it out of the cartel. He knew. No one should ever have to brace themselves like that. My brain did not enjoy thinking about Mike, who was still very emotional about the loss of his own son, having to go tell another dad about his son's death. That was some well written and emotionally painful television.

• Lalo was an interesting character! He was intense and insane, but not entirely unhinged like Tuco. It was interesting to see how his rivalry with Gus fueled Gus' passion for his craft. His death scene was a good one. Damn about him being buried under the lab though! I was NOT expecting that at all. It's very crazy to know that Gus had Walt and Jesse cooking above his former rival's body.

• I know I've said a few things were unexpected already, but I really was not prepared to lowkey feel bad for Howard Hamlin by the end of the show. He was a jerk. He was not a good person. I still don't think he deserved to be buried with his murderer under a meth lab.

• It was awful that Howard would send Kim out of her office into doc review when he was mad at her. That is immature and unprofessional to a high degree. Kim was justified in feeling angry towards him. Saul was also justified in feeling angry about Howard blindly following Chuck's rule. I do believe that if it wasn't for Chuck, Howard would've hired Saul (sorry, Jimmy) as a lawyer for HHM once he passed the bar. I thought Saul's Howard copy billboard thing was funny, and to be completely honest I don't even mind that he threw the bowling balls on his car. The character assassination with the fabricated drug addiction went too far though, especially considering it lead to his death. Howard was a jerk, but he didn't deserve the ending he received.

• Kim Wexler kept surprising me. At the beginning of the show, I tried to predict where all of the non-Breaking Bad characters would end up. I could not have possibly predicted any of the decisions Kim would make. I love a girl boss, but she sabotaged her own career several times in order to execute revenge plots. I was honestly excited to just she her be a successful lawyer at the beginning, but alas that is not the type of show this is.

• Kim's "I was having too much fun" speech broke my heart. It was pretty easy to see how Kim and Saul's relationship was a "we can make each other worse" situation. I really had expected their relationship to end sooner though, and getting married was absolutely the wrong decision. It was crazy seeing how Saul just fully shifted into Saul Goodman mode after Kim left him.

• Last but not least, the man himself. I enjoyed Saul's character in BB. He's annoying and extravagant, but he's fun. He added a little whimsy to the show. I enjoyed that we got to see the "Kevin Costner" moment that he mentioned in BB. I appreciated getting more of his background and seeing how he interacted with non-criminal people for a time. Bob Odenkirk is a good actor, and I'm a little sad that I'm done seeing Saul on my screen. (Even if I made fun of all of his ridiculous suits and ties.)

• Overall, I really liked the show! I had heard good things, and I was looking forward to watching it after my recent rewatch of Breaking Bad. Better Call Saul did not disappoint! It was entertaining. It had a good blend of drama, action, and comedy. I'm sure I'll end up rewatching it down the line.

[swedebeast]

I was not having a good day already today. The kid I am in charge of looking after is the most foul-mouthed, spiteful, obstinate, rude, disrespectful, and disruptive child I have ever seen in my entire life. Nothing I do reaches him, I can make deals and promises to the kid - and he promises to behave and he'll get something out of it like using a chrome book for the last hour of school, but breaks them and then freaks out and acts indignant after being warned what he is doing will null anything fun I had made plans with him.

And on top of all that, the kids thought it was fun to throw pens at me when I have my back turned to them. I even texted the principal that we needed to have a discussion about "my" kid's behaviour.

But hey, the best part was when he smacked a much smaller younger kid on the head when he was roaming around in the hallways, and I told him firmly that this was not okay - as to which he saw it as a challenge and hit ME on the head. As to which I held him by his arms, and raised my voice that I did not find that funny, I do not want to ever see that happen again, and he is going to knock that off.

His regular teacher even walked by, did not say a single thing.

And then, while having dinner at home today, I get a call from the principal that two teachers did not like what they saw I did, and I was asked to stay home for the rest of the week, and the two teachers, the principal, and me will meet up and talk about this.

So yeah. Good times. I try to do my job, and I fully admit I lost my temper, and it feels like such a cowardly measure when every single person I have talked to at this school have either turned down my position, or told me that they could never do what I am doing.

This child understands consequences, but does not choose to take responsibility for his actions. He lies, cheats, is violent to smaller children, and acts as if he will die if he does a single assignment in class, and refuses to believe that good grades = opportunities in adulthood, and he will just play games all day. If he needs to pay rent? He will get a job for a day and then quit. If he needs a car, he'll just steal one. If he can't find a place, he'll just stay with mom.

And of course you don't go to jail for stealing a car, of course not. You just get an ankle bracelet. My coworker, who is in charge of another child with other issues, said he got the better kid, and told me this kid I got will, and I quote, "cost society a lot of money through the years."

It sounds awful to rag on an elementary school student, and it is. And maybe I am ranting, but this is such a shit situation that I was not given any information about this kid or really any genuine expectations until -after- I had signed the contract. And I am just handed this menace, because no one else wants to because they know they can't handle it - and I am treated like a villain for doing the things everyone else knows they would end up doing.

I don't know if it is, but it fucking feels unfair. Maybe I should just give up, let him have one of the chrome books he tries to steal from the classroom and run away, and just let him sit in one of the unused rooms all day and just take easy checks.

If that is all they want, having given up on the kid - and they expect me to do the same? Fine. Whatever. Like the kid realize 10 years later he fucked himself over. I am just so damned mad because he doesn't even realize how badly he is sabotaging himself. It honestly makes me feel bad for the kid, as much as he drives me crazy.

[thespackster]

I apologize in advance for the whole ass essay, you got me thinking a lot about this lol

I guess it depends on how you define free will? I personally think of free will as thoughts & feelings. I know that I can think and/or feel however I want, and no thought or feeling -- no matter how bad, intense, or intrusive it is in the moment -- will "damn" me in any way that matters. I am free to think and feel however I want, and as I grow as a human, I am learning to regulate those thoughts and feelings in a healthy way.

That being said, I feel like that's where the gray area of "free will" begins. you can think or feel however you want, but your actions as a result of those feelings have consequences -- regardless of how "fair" those consequences are. For example, I hate my job, it makes me miserable, I have the "will" to quit it so I could spend more time with my family. But I can't, because I'm the sole provider of income for my family. So if I quit, we will have no income, and fall further into poverty than we already are. Is that a fair consequence? I don't think so -- I think every living being has a right to shelter, food, etc. And a right to live. But the systems in place in our modern society don't function that way, so our wills are dependent on the systems around us. Is that "free" will?

while my intention was for it to just be a silly poll. i do love getting essays like this! yeah i absolutely understand what you mean. i think everyone's definition of free will is personal. and i do think everyone's circumstances affects it. in somewhere like the US wage slavery and capitalism thwarts most ppls free will, since you don't rly get much choices on how to live your life when you're barely scraping why.

[courfeyracs-swordcane]

alright i'll bite. problem is i don't even KNOW who your ocs ARE? who are your ocs??? or better question--who is itching the brain right now??

OKAY WORM!! I have so many damn ocs so I might make a little breakdown under a cut of guys I tend to tag more often (edit I am in fact just going to make a separate post to pin)

SO! The guys who are currently rotating in my head are my guy Hot Shot aka Maximilian A Rojas-Molina aka Max for short (Transformers oc whomst I got very attached to the human au version of as well) and his ¿guy? Sweets, who’s @local-hellcat’s! (Best friend does not apply bc he’s got 2-3 of those separately but nothing else really applies either)(they’re lowkey the most important person in each other’s lives but they are Not acknowledging that)(they call each other like. buddies. at MOST)

(Art from picrew (linked) and @coyotefang1987 respectively)

But anyway so Hot Shot (not quite in chronological order)

He’s so stupid

But also lowkey has the braincell of his friend group (they’re all so fast and so so dumb)(affectionate)

He’s a terrible judge of character but also usually good enough with people that that doesn’t matter

He keeps just straight up losing track of everybody he cares about (most of the time it’s not his fault)

His baby twin brother got his Face And Hands Privileges taken by the government for being an anarchist in college (specifically cop college)(which is a thing that can just happen sometimes in transformers for those of y’all who don’t go there)(he dropped out after that and went full time with the anarchy)

Technically he’s kinda homeless (if he settles down he’ll forget to keep searching for one of his best friends who went missing in the war, so he just. Doesn’t.)

He works as a (robot) preschool teaching assistant on the moon

and he wanted so bad to make his boss (Forklift) proud of him that he went and got his (human) preschool teaching certificate on earth

and also got forklift certified for good measure. Just in case it was important.

Lowkey the first thing he did after fighting a massive civil war for four million years was find a random catboy (disgraced war criminal/assassin)(Sweets) in a wet box on the side of the road and go “hi! We’re friends now. You wanna go to the other side of the galaxy with me to get back to my brother and best friend?”

“Quit your job” “why” “join my emo band” (Sweets did. (He’s on bass.) They have exactly two fans.)

They kind of live together now (Hots slept on his couch for a couple nights and just never wound up leaving)

He found out about all of the war crimes and massive body count in a very emotionally charged confession moment and went “…okay but you’re my buddy so like?”

Sweets will just sit there and take anybody’s shit on that. Hot Shot will the fuck not.

he can and will try to fistfight the entire rebuilt government if they try to make Sweets face consequences for the atrocities

He was briefly his best friend’s (Flashdrive’s) supervisor on a normal job before the war. Neither of them remember this even a little bit. Even though his little brother and Flashdrive’s qpp were close friends the entire time.

They met again during the war and got assigned on one (1) singular mission together

…and got distracted and were gone for ten (10) years.

they didn’t get to work together after that.

He’s really emotional about Boulevard of Broken Dreams (and he sings the hell out of American Idiot (song and album) w the emo band despite only knowing what like half of the words mean in or out of context on account of being a ~30 robot from outer space who turns into a car)

This: (Hots is not broadly a Substances Guy)(Meter just went and dropped him off on Sweets’s doorstep (not home) like Baby Moses)

(green guy being his brother Meter and purple guy being his best friend-turned-Meter’s-husband Aileron)(Meter image traced off a picture of my sister)

There’s probably more but it’s 2am so I’ll add to this in the morning if I missed anything important

[primroses-n-deadleaves]

i dont have anyone to talk to rn, not out of anything bad theyre just busy and also have their own issues and so on; its okay still it leaves me wondering what went wrong? i only have two ppl that i can rlly talk to like both socialize and also to the extremes of venting, i try to help them too but im not rlly good at it, and so, whenever theyre missing or busy, i feel very alone, which is funny becuz im quite fortunate to have a semi active group on discord with cool ppl but instead of trying to get rid of my loneliness ig i jus self isolate idek whats wrong with me now, all the bad stressful stuff passed, for now,, mom was angry cuz my room got infested with termites, she got rid of them and i was left with the task of cleaning the stain,; and i jus discovered theres more termites to my side that went unnoticed by mom and that are eating the table and chair,; she doenst know of that yet thou so i can handle but i havent, the weekend approaches which is when well be doing all of this, i could try to take care of it before saturday before she notices and gets even more angry at me but here i am writing instead.

i feel very useless, my car is still at the repair shop so i can go out and buy the insecticide i need to get rid of the termitees, its at the repair shop cuz i let it break,, when it broke i called mom and she was at work so she asked me if i had any friends that could come and help me, all my friends are little ppl on my phone stuck to the other side of screen,; she had to call her friend which i was lucky that he was available and came to help me i felt very alone and useless and without any friends theres only so much online friends can do and i dont blame them, im also an online friend to them and i cant rlly do much for them either; that said, i rlly want irl friends.... but those "friends" i, stupid highschool drama ruined all my friendships its been 4 years and im still suffering the consequences of it; and also i rlly miss them, even if they were shitty and used me i still miss them;; maybe if i had acted like nothing id probably still be used sure but maybe i wouldve had someone to call when my car broke down

also im unemployed, with a gambling addiction of all things,, ive been thinking of getting a cheaper addiction- well, cheaper in the long run, something like smoking, not drinking, drinking is a bit expensive and my family from dad's side has a history of alcoholism,, so smoking or vaping, ruin my lungs,, im pretty sure a pack of cigarettes is cheaper than putting 100 into gacha games; why not look for a job? great question, i have, maybe not hard enough but im a bit too depressed if u cant tell by the writing; ive also tried to do online job but its rlly taxing to do a lot of work making vids and such to see no profit and ik ik it comes with time but i dont have time i need money now the funniest part is that i tried to apply for military jobs yknow the army and even those have rejected me, yes im overweight according to bmi, thats all they needed to disqualify me,; so instead i spend my time leeching money of mom, i feel very guilty, im a horrible child,, i sobbed when i was getting my meds and it ended up costing 30 bucks to buy becuz i sent it to a damn walgreens instead of a local pharmacy that accepts my insurance, i lost my meds and i could get refill but itll end up costing until i change the location which i cant change until my next visit

i wanted to kill myself when mom told me i could be working rn and that she was right, i could be working rn but instead i was laying on the bed which isnt even mine becuz i sleep on my sisters room taht has ac

the feeling had dissipated for a moment, well, it left when i repressed my feelings, which writing about it makes me confront those feelings so the suicidal ideation is back; in moments like this i think about one certain episode of fairly odd parents, yknow the one where timmy sees how the world would be if he never existed and sees that everyone around him is doing better without him? i dont remember the ending, i just think about it and think im better off dead, literally, i bring no good to the world

if u happen to stumble upon this, dw, i have a strangely strong will to live, last time i rlly tried to kill myself and acted, i called the hotline, which took me to the hospital where i was fortunate its a good hospital and got treated nicely,; bottom line is, and i quite hate this part of myself, ill live,; this stupid survival instict is strong enough to keep me from dying, i rlly hope it wasnt , life honestly isnt worth living,, the world is a shit place

[despair-to-future-arcs]

Bitch-sensei is hanging low!

*SLAP!*

MIWA: HOW DARE YOU!!!

Whoa... I just heard a slap just now!

Yeah I think it sounds like it came from over there!

*the 2 rush over finding the teacher who just got slapped by Miwa with Hatomi, Akane and Mikan*

Wh-What?! You... You just slapped me, you can't slap a teacher!

And your damn point?! The fact that you fully knew about Nekomaru's heart condition and fail to inform your students proves to me that your unfit to be a teacher!

Now I see what my teacher was talking about; you blamed Mikan in front of his mother along with the rest of your students for 'not knowing sooner' but they would of known sooner if you told them. So tell me then, who's at fault here because I can say for certain that it wasn't Mikan or any of your students.

Bu-But I tho-thought they kneeeew, wahahaaaaa!

Oh quit that damn crying already! The only reason your crying is now your dealing with the consequences and Mrs. Nidai is coming to the school to inform the headmaster of you failing to tell our class about Nekomaru's heart defect!

Ha-Ha-Hatomi, ma-maybe stop yelling at her? I think she fe-feels bad...

Mikan, I know you get sway by tears but don't believe this women; she is just trying to get out of trouble.

Hatomi, guys what's going on...!

Yeah I heard a loud slap and seems there's an argument! What the heck happen!

Simple, I simply told Nekomaru's mother of what happen but then suddenly Miwa and Hatomi started to yell at me.

Only because we were calling you out on your bullshit, seriously? You were blaming both Mikan and Akane for all this; Mikan had try to ask you for the medical records on our class for months after seeing what was going on with Nagito but you refuse because you deem it 'unimportant' and look what happen, Nekomaru's in the hospital because of you.

Oh, are you? If I remember right didn't Akane try to push him further, for someone that's quite close to him you didn't know anything about this so if you wish to blame me then I think it's both Nekomaru and Akane's fault; Nekomaru for not saying anything and Akane to failing to notice sooner.

...

Of course you push blame on someone else, probably it's a good thing I don't have you as a teacher if this is how you act when corner...

You may think what you like but the fact remains that despite Nekomaru and Akane knowing each other for months, Akane fail to realize this.

I guess that means Akane doesn't care about Nekomaru at all, in fact I wouldn't be surprise if she doesn't remember any of your names.

Only because you don't let us all become friends, quite honestly I think you should be fire from your job if you aren't going to take responsibility.

Hmph, will see about that, Miss Koizumi but remember; the only person you can blame for this is Mikan and Akane.

And unless you want those 2 expelled and not have a future then you only have yourself to blame; they should know that Hope's Peak Academy is for the elite and the best which if those 2 and Nekomaru can't handle the stress, they can simply drop out - it's much easier.

...Guys, let's just let it go already, I mean she's right that I should of known about Nekomaru's heart condition but I didn't, I push him so don't blame the teacher for it...

Akane? But... you aren't at fault...!

Thought so, see - if you all learn to accept what you did then things will be much easier; these are the consequences of you not reaching your potential, like Mikan should of notice those conditions and should of dealt with it given she is the Ultimate nurse.

Now good day girls, I hope you keep work towards your careers and future; see you then.

*the teacher walk away leaving the group behind*

...

Bitch... she's just using her position to do whatever the hell she wants...

Language dear but I have to agree, that women should not be having her job at all.

Especially when she knew of Nekomaru's heart condition but say nothing to any of you... truly disgusting...

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

296 of 2023

Created by brelee

Are you or anyone you know colorblind?

Yeah, my husband. Not me.

Have you or would you ever travel to Bethlehem?

I would, out of curiosity. But I’ve never been there before.

When going on road trips, do you prefer driving, the backseat, or passenger seat?

Passenger seat, I don’t drive.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

It went better over years.

What was the last heavy thing you lifted?

Lol I think it was a box at work, back in 2021. If lifting with help counts, then me and my tablemate lifted the cabling transformer harness and put it in the box.

Have you ever been called a freak?

No, Not really.

Is July an important month for you?

Yes, but not for anniversaries nor anything like that.

If someone looked inside your mind right now, what would they find?

Anxiety in crystal form. Looks like the adjustment of my antidepressants will take a while.

Are you good at reading body language?

Not at all.

Do you have an anchor tattoo? Would you ever get one?

No and no.

Have you ever thought yourself out of happiness?

What does it actually mean?

Do you ever get in moods where you don't want to talk?

Yeah, sometimes.

Have you found what you're looking for in life?

I think so. Took me a while.

What kind of car do you drive?

Renault Clio, but I’m not the one who drives.

Do you like to ride roller coasters?

Never been in one and I don’t think I ever would.

Do you have any rowdy friends?

I know people like that, but they’re not my friends. I’ve had some in the past, though.

What is something that is creepy to you?

Old people being attracted to minors. I don’t mind age differences in relationships, but it’s plain creepy when one of the sides is underage.

What do you need right now?

Someone to hand me my snacks because I’m too damn lazy to get up.

Is the number 7 significant to you?

No, it’s not. Why would it be anyway?

Do you lack dopamine?

I don’t think so.

What do you consider to be cruel?

Abuse of any kind.

Do you love to daydream?

I do. But I always know what reality is.

Does it bother you when strangers call you things like baby, sweetheart, or honey?

It would bother me even if I heard it from my husband, let alone strangers.

What's your favorite shade of yellow?

Neon yellow, but I’m not a big fan of this colour.

Do you take medicine daily?

Yes. If I forgot to take it, the consequences would be unpleasant. Most likely I will have to take them for the rest of my life.

Has anyone told you to calm down recently?

Not recently.

When did you last panic?

I don’t want to come back to this.

Have you ever started a fight?

I don’t think so.

Are you currently tired?

Quite so. But it was worse before.

What helps you get by?

Travels, my job, my husband, my cats and my friends. No particular order.

How much money do you have in your wallet?

Maybe 10€, don’t feel like checking. I use my debit card all the time.

When did you last wear a mask?

Recently in the hospital, because it’s the only place in my country where they’re still mandatory.

What are your favorite colors?

Black and green.

Are you over 20 years old?

Almost 13 years over.

Does it hurt you when others are rude for no reason?

It upsets me. Not only for myself, but also for others.

When did you last see a fire?

Long time ago.

Would you consider yourself to be a hot mess?

What does that mean actually?

Have you ever given someone false directions?

No, but I’m not good at explaining directions to others. I’m much better at imagining them.

If you could say anything to your father right now, what would it be?

I’d have a conversation about cats.

What's the fastest you've ever driven?

260 km/h.

Are your hands currently clean or dirty?

Why would they be dirty anyway?

What is something you'd happily do if given the opportunity?

Travel around the world.

Do you believe there is a God, do you trust their plan for your life?

I’m agnostic.

Do you have good or bad karma headed your way?

I don’t know.

Do you enjoy having lonely days?

No. I need to know there’s always someone around.

When did it last rain?

Last Friday.

Have you ever been admitted to a hospital?

Yeah, several times. Last time three weeks ago.

When did you last water a plant?

We don’t have any plants in our house.

Has anyone blamed you for something you didn't do?

Yeah, for farting. It was my husband and that was him who farted.

How much is gasoline where you are?

Diesel is 1.76€, and that’s pretty much what interests us because our car has a Diesel engine.