#I want to eat Norton's glove

[sopas14]

Yeah...the bg is not very convincing but...it's better than a white canvas...right? I've been very disconected lately...and i probably will once again but...here, you have your "not so daily" idv illustration!

[corruptedroses]

⌞ask box open⌝ | ⌞commissions open⌝ | ⌞ko-fi?⌝ | ⌞Patreon coming soon⌝

— Quiver

Fandom — Identity V Pairing — Tattooist! Norton/AFAB reader Summary — He can use his tongue for more than talking Content Warnings — Cunt eating, implied overstimulation, semi-public sex, pet names used (princess, good girl) Word Count — 305 words Author's note — just something I made on the fly after coming up w it in the mun chat

You don’t know how it came to this.

You don’t remember how your tattoo session became one of being tongue fucked against the chair that you had been laying in only moments ago.

But gods almighty was Norton good with his tongue. Four and counting, you were sure of it.

The plastic of his gloves helped him keep his grip on your trembling legs as he mercilessly lapped at your leaking, dripping cunt, keeping your legs from encircling around his head and crushing it between your thighs. His tongue was as smooth as it was when he was talking, those dark eyes glinting in the light of the tattoo parlor.

You both knew that on the other side of the door, not even a wall away from you, were the rest of his coworkers, probably working or goofing around like they normally did. They could walk in at any time and see the both of you entangled like this, your wetness coating his mouth and chin, his rubber-covered fingers as they began to pump in and out of your needy hole.

The bandanna in your mouth did little to hide those pretty moans of yours, being played like an instrument, being tuned for a final song that only he was able to play. “Eyes on me, princess,” Norton muttered against your sex, struggling to keep your gaze on the man when every move he made only made them want to roll back further.

“That’s a good girl.” A string of something connected his mouth to your quivering cunt, watching as the man got to his feet as the light reflected the many gemstones, ores, and other glittery tattoos that decorated his arms, the eyes of a raven staring deep into your soul as his fly unzipped.

“Now, can you give me one more, sweetheart?”

[callmeminxx]

Hello hello hope you're having a wonderful day hon! Remember to take breaks, eat, and stay hydrated!!

Can I request Norton, Naib, Eli and Aesop (seperate) walking in on s/o who tries on their clothes because they thought they were gone in a match?

(Can be like a costume like s/o wears Nortons Mr. Mole outfit or just simple as wearing his green button up and hat, or for Naib they wear his hoodie or something) sorry hope that's okay!! Thank you!♡♡

ajkshd im blushing thank you for reminding meee- And yeah, i got this :D:D. 

Norton, Naib, Eli, and Aesop walking in on Fem. s/o who tries on their costumes!

Norton;;

✮ While Norton was busy at a long ranked match, you had gotten bored and decided to try on one of his costumes. The Mr. Mole costume, to be exact.

✮ You put on the button-up, the jacket, and the hat quickly. It fit okay, just a bit big. The necktie, the one with the button that looked like a gold coin, took a bit to put on.

✮ You held the small mole plushie in your arms, giving it a squeeze. You were so busy admiring it and yourself, you didn’t notice the door open and close.

✮ You 100% noticed when someone came up from behind you, took the hat from off your head, and wrapped their arms around your stomach.

✮ You spun around to hit whoever it was, but a calm voice softly complimented how good you looked in their clothes. It was just Norton, back from the match early.

✮ You would’ve probably yelled at him, but sighed and softly patted his cheek instead.

✮ He smiled, slightly teasing you by asking if you would’ve tried on more of his clothes if he hadn’t gotten back early.  He also may or may not have teased you by asking if he could try on some of your costumes-

Naib;;

✮ While Naib was busy was a 2v8 match, you had stumbled upon his Spring Hand costume.

✮ He honestly wouldn’t care, but hey, who knew.

✮ You got on the hat, the button-up, the goggles, and tried to get the vest on over your chest. It was tight, sure, but it looked pretty good!

✮ You spun in front of the mirror, taking your look in, when suddenly- Someone grabbed one of your hands and wrapped an arm around your back, dipping you like people do in dancing. 

✮ Naib grinned, seeing your shocked look in one of his outfits.

✮ You playfully bapped him over the head but smiled back. He helped you back up and adjusted the hat.

✮ He thought it looked really good on you, and helped you try on the actual spring hands.

Eli;;

✮ Eli had been spamming matches today, and you got super bored. So, you decided to sneak into his room and try on some of his spare normal outfits.

✮ You were able to put on all of his “normal” outfit. The cloak, the hood, the side-pouch, and the gloves. It was super comfy.

✮ You heard the room door open, and the fluttering of wings. You spun around to see Brooke Rose, Eli’s owl, rushing over and landing on your shoulder with a loving hoot.

✮ Eli walked in a few moments later, seeing you. He froze and quickly covered his eyes.

✮ You panicked and thought he thought it looked ugly, tears starting to fill your eyes. 

✮ Eli moved his arm, his face a bright red. He went over and softly kissed you, holding you in a tight hug. He thought you looked amazing.

Aesop;;

✮ For a while, you had wanted to try on Aesop’s Exorcist costume, but never had the confidence or chance to ask.

✮ While he was at a match, you snuck into his room and quickly took the costume, beginning to change into it. You only got on the jacket, gloves and mask on without trouble, and everything else seemed...chaotic.

✮ You looked SO cool!! Running a hand over your side, you realized how precise each sew and thread was.

✮ About as precise as how fast you jumped when you heard the door creak open.

✮ Aesop stood there, holding his briefcase close, quite shocked.

✮ You greeted him and did a spin, showing him the outfit. He smiled under his mask and went over, looking at how it fit on you.

✮ He thought you looked VERY pretty, and nervously asked if you wanted to try any others on.

☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ THAT TOOK SO LONG FOR SOME REASON- Have any suggestions? Just LMK and I’ll try my best!

[girlucifer]

"what's love...

if not a waiting to be seen?" camille norton - corruption poems

below are little blurbs regarding simeon/solomon/diavolo + undressing because y'know, i am feeling down! so what better remedy than vague excerpts to project onto as a means of intimacy. thanks for reading :)

simeon: they promised luke with a golden smile and clasped pinkies that they'd sleep over with him in purgatory hall- he had been particularly upset that the brothers seemed to eat up all of the human's time. as they held his hands and with the chandelier lights a halo above the human's head, he excitedly made plans to have a tea party at midnight and eat cookies under the stars! the human must've been so tired- simeon knew it with their stifled yawns and heavy eyelids as they danced with brother after brother. but they'd crucify themselves for just one smile from someone they loved- they accepted luke's invitation with stars in their eyes. a part of simeon hated the holiness that emanated from them- he couldn't escape god if he tried. they almost seem unattainable. tucked away in the land of milk and honey as he remains tempted in the desert, left to turn to dust. luke runs inside the house, exclaiming all the things they'll do- play that game leviathan was recommending, make celestial-inspired honeyed cookies with lavender tea, and oh, don't forget--- within a moment he falls asleep upon the couch and with a laugh, solomon takes him in his arms and leaves with the dozing child, leaving the two alone. the air is suffocating- he looks over to the human who almost seems to be sleeping while upright. a touch upon their shoulder jolts them awake and the two share a laugh in the softened light of the hall's lamps. starlight spills from the window from the moonless sky- simeon watches as the human looks through the window, their lips always fixed with a small smile. eternally blissful. 'you must be tired- i'll fix up the guest room for you.' the human follows as he walks towards the end of the hall. the room was small- it isn't very often used except during nights where mammon hides from debt collectors or asmodeus needs to store a delicate dress- and maybe even nights like these where the human finds themselves alone with simeon, who suddenly finds it hard to breathe. 'this stupid outfit- lucifer chose it. i don't very much like it- he claims it's devildom-styled formal attire. to me, it's just a nightmare to take off. do you mind?' they turn around, tilting their head to reveal a small zipper near the back of their neck. suddenly everything becomes so slow as simeon takes off his gloves, his bare fingers finding their warm skin in the dim room. temptation is a dirty thing and he finds the taste of their skin like liquid gold, almost suffocating in it.

solomon: lightning struck as rain drummed upon the foliage before them, the only cover for the two the stone above their heads. a trip in the north european forests, foraging for whatever magic-imbued items they can find for potions and spells turned futile as dark clouds blanketed the sky and rain poured, the two finding shelter within a cave. they were far from any village, having trekked and camped for days to make it to the deepest and most untouched parts of the wood, hoping to stumble upon authentic fairy circles and catch will o' the wisps. solomon sighed- another failed attempt of making a fire. something was dampening his powers, and he really wanted to attribute it to the thunderous skies and chills that made its way deep into his bones, but his heart knew by the way it beat so strongly it had to do with his apprentice, who shivered with such fervor that he kept trying to light a fire or spark a flame between his palms- something to make them feel just a little better. he shook his head, clenching his fists: 'nothing is working. the twigs are wet and the wind blows out every spark. i'm so sorry for dragging you through this. god, you're freezing! we got to get you out of these soaked clothes!' his hands found their buttons and not even a moment later, he stopped in his tracks. with averted eyes, he brings his hands back down, the small space becoming even more constricting- warmth finally being found spread across his face and upon his ears. he grew red as the human laughed through chattered teeth, a small cough ending their light giggle. with trembling hands, frosted by the howling wind, they unbutton their shirt as solomon inspects the lines in the stoned wall with such intrigue. their bare skin reveals itself in his periphery as the blush creeped further, his heart pounding within his chest. they moved to their trousers, the sounds of fabric rustling sending his pulse spiking. what on god's name is he on about? they need to remove their soaked clothes to avoid hypothermia- such a simple notion his head can wrap around... but the small cave grew ever smaller as he could barely restrain himself from taking their waist and...

diavolo: a million apologies whispered and he didn't want to hear a single one- it was something else that drew his gaze to their lips. it was a quiet moment in the castle's garden- he had invited the human to drink iced tea and enjoy barbatos' freshly made scones, still warm from the fire-magic oven. their eyes grew with the homely scene- a white iron garden table adorned with native devildom flowers, handpicked by theirs truly- diavolo proudly displayed the cuts upon his hands from where the hellish flowers pricked as he gathered only the finest specimens. the human laughed- something he'd never get tired of. the two sat and enjoyed the dark afternoon of a particularly hot day. within a moment, a wave of warmth splashed upon his dress shirt and the human exclaimed in shock, standing up with abject horror upon their face. the air around them was strung with apologies as they frantically took the white towelette in front of them, dabbing it upon the growing stain. diavolo stifled laughter- what a scene, the two standing in the dark of the devildom, having the human dote on him with a flushed face and shaking hands. 'please, don't worry. it's just a blouse!' the human looks up with such eyes that the breath in his throat hitches and he finds himself flustered. this human... 'allow me to wash it. i'm known to be able to remove just any stain. please- let me make it up to you.' he could never refuse them- even with such an absurd offer to restore a shirt he has dozens of. not even a moment later, the human reaches their hands, their fingers finding the buttons, unclasping the golden halos one by one before he realized what was happening. they wrap around him, the dress shirt falling into their hands. they fold it, and suddenly diavolo feels exposed. the now-stained shirt was from a set of garments inherited by his father- princely garb. without them, he stood in his ordinary undershirt with the human looking at him with a playful expression, as if it was all a trap to lead him to the simple feeling that with them, he isn't the prince of hell but a lovestruck fool, head over heels. what a clever trick. he takes their face within his hands and kisses them between laughter, smiles pressed against each other's lips.

[overlordofawesomeness]

A Man for Himself (Norton xEli)

Genre: Romance, Thriller, Horror, Fantasy

Rating: R-18

Pairing: Norton x Eli | Prospector X Seer

Chapter Trigger Warning/s: N/A

Chapter 3

Darkness. Norton opened his eyes only to witness himself surrounded by darkness. The candle on his helmet barely provided light. It didn't do much of a help. However, upon examining his surroundings, he's able to identify his current location. He's inside a tunnel. And it wasn't an ordinary tunnel. This was the site where the tragedy had taken place.

His chest tightened. Suddenly, Norton felt claustrophobic. He's aware that this was merely a dream, but everything seemed real to him. He could feel the rough floor underneath his boots, the way it ground against his sole as he walked. The air felt damp and smelled like mud, like he was inside an unstable man-made cave that could collapse any second due to heavy rain. They were all too familiar sensations to him.

The tunnel seemed to go on endlessly whichever way he went. He tried to keep himself calm despite having a hard time breathing. Panicking would only burn whatever remaining oxygen he had around him. But then again, this was supposedly a dream. Dreams couldn't hurt him.

After a while of walking, the miner began to pick up his pace until he found himself running at full speed as if something sinister was after him. He dared not look back, afraid to confirm his imagination and be devoured by his fear. Running felt like an eternity to him until he tripped over a rock and fell. Or at least that's what he thought it was. He was out of breath, so he could only manage a soundless gasp when he realized that he'd fallen on a pile of decomposing bodies, their foul smell making it harder for him to breathe. Those were the corpses of the miners.

Norton picked himself up, but he slipped and fell as soon as he got up. He staggered back in panic, a scream he never imagined he'd ever make escaping his throat and echoing throughout the lonely tunnel. As he was trying to process everything, the burn scars on his face and body began to hurt as though they were fresh.

"You belong with us, Norton," said a voice in his head, sounding like it came from the abyss. "You should've died with us."

The miner began shaking, his hands gripping his head as if the action would get rid of the voice all the while kicking at the undead corpses that were starting to crawl towards him.

"No! Leave me alone!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, trying to push the bodies off of him. "It was an accident!"

Yes, it's all an accident.

A corpse that had gaping sockets for its eyes managed to get on top of him and sit on his chest, squeezing the remaining air out of his lungs. In its bony hands was a large chunk of stone. It raised the stone in the air and was about to smash it onto his head when he managed to pull himself back to reality and wake up with a strangled scream.

Norton was drenched in sweat, his hair disheveled and his eyes wide in shock. The dream was over, yet his heart still beat so fast that it almost wanted to escape his ribs. Taking a few deep breaths, he ran his hands over his face and looked to the window. The light shone through its heavy white curtains, illuminating the entirety of the room. Somehow it gave him a sense of safety and security. It's good even though it's false.

"Had an eventful night, eh?"

Norton searched for the source of the voice and spotted the same gray-haired male from last night sitting in his bed across from his. He wouldn't have noticed his roommate's presence if he hadn't said anything.

"Who are you again?" the prospector inquired, blinking away his sleepiness.

"Your resident embalmer," the other responded as he secured his gloves. He seemed to be getting ready to leave. "Your teammates for today came over. They said they wanted to eat breakfast with you before the match," he continued. "I'm Aesop, by the way. I prefer working in peace, so I hope you won't be making noises in your sleep again." He stood up and picked up a case from his bedside table. "Norton, right? Stop living in the past. You're attracting Death. Don't make the same mistakes again."

He never left any room for Norton to respond. He walked out as soon as he finished his quick introduction. Norton figured his roommate wasn't a fan of social interaction. Not like it mattered.

Still groggy from his nightmare, the miner didn't want to waste time overanalyzing Aesop's ominous words. He stood up and took a towel from his drawer. A shower would help on clearing his head.

* * *

"Good morning, Mr. Campbell!"

Norton wasn't expecting himself to be invited to a morning tea party when he was told to meet his teammates. There was a stone pavement outside the manor house that led to a large pavilion. A few tables were set up and one of them was occupied by three women wearing fancy clothing. He felt a little underdressed with his dark green button-down and trousers.

The one who greeted him was a brunette wearing a blue hat, a frilly white blouse and a billowy skirt that was just as frilly. Her green eyes shone bright with her cheery smile. Her spirit seemed too high for someone who would be participating in a deadly game.

"Take a seat, please," she invited, standing up from her seat and pulling an empty chair for him, which he found surprising.

So polite. He gladly took the seat and smiled at the expecting faces.

"I'm Emma." She offered her hand and sat down. "And these are Helena and Martha. We'll be your teammates for today."

Norton shook the brunette's hand and scanned the faces of the two other women. One of them was a redhead, wearing a pink hat that resembled a cake with wafer sticks on top of it. Her dress was of the same shade with a mix of pastel green and had frills and ribbons. Overall, Norton had to admit that she's adorable and eye-catching especially when she tried pouring tea into empty air next to a cup in front of her. Hot water was about to spill from the pot when the woman next to her guided her hand in the right direction.

Helena giggled softly. "Oops. Sorry."

Norton didn't notice it earlier; but upon closer look, the girl appeared to have glassy eyes behind her round glasses. She's blind, and the stick that resembled a long lollipop resting against her chair was her cane.

How could a blind person join this game? How could she even decode those machines?

As if sensing his doubt, Emma scooted over and whispered, "Don't worry. Her blindness does not stop her from being an outstanding decoder. She's fast. But, of course, we need to protect her. And that's why we have Martha."

The miner turned his attention to Martha, a well-built woman with a curly side ponytail. Her hair seemed to have been dyed blue to match her clothes. She's wearing a white blouse with frills and a long white pencil skirt with blue stripes. Unlike the two girls, Martha had an air to her that made her different. Perhaps it's the pistol that sat next to her teacup. She seemed to radiate an aura of power and authority. A leader.

Still, Norton wondered why they were all dressed up for a party and why he wasn't given any notice.

"I'll do my best to keep everyone alive." Martha smiled in Helena's way, but the ginger wasn't aware of it. "Especially Helena. We can't lose her, so I'm counting on you to protect her." She faced Norton. "And you. I've heard that you've done a great job on your first match. Don't let us down."

Norton nodded and took a bagel from a woven basket at the center of the table. "I'm not promising anything, but I'll do my best."

He would never promise anything.

Eventually, he started to relax in his seat, enjoying the taste of pastry and sweetened tea. He might as well take his sweet time since he might not be able to get the chance to do it anymore after this.

"Good morning, Mr. Clark! Good morning, Mr. Subedar!" Emma stood up from her seat and waved her hands wildly in the air.

Norton's eyes followed the direction where the cheery girl was looking and found Eli and his grumpy buddy walking their way to the pavilion. Like the girls, they seemed to have received the notice to dress in eye-catching clothing.

Eli was wearing a gold-trimmed robe in a lighter shade of blue. It had patterns that resembled constellations. As if to complement him, Subedar was wearing formal clothes of the same shade. A suit with a hood and ruffles. On top of that, his hair seemed to have been dyed blue as well to match them.

"Aren't they just perfect?" Emma sighed dreamily, her eyes glued to the two men. "I had a chance to be on the same team with them before. They're amazing."

Eli waved back and smiled in their direction momentarily before turning his attention back to Naib. They were headed to a vacant table. Naib didn't seem to like when Norton looked at them as he shot daggers his way and moved to block the view of his partner.

"Hey, Emma." Norton took a sip from his cup. "Who's that guy with Eli?"

He'd already heard about Naib from Eli, but he didn't really know much about him except for the fact that he obviously didn't like Norton.

"That's Mr. Subedar," Emma answered. "He used to be a mercenary from what I've heard. He doesn't really interact with anyone that much except with Mr. Clark. They're always together; so if you want to know more about Mr. Subedar, you may need to ask Mr. Clark himself."

"I see." Norton nodded slowly.

Is he seeing me as a threat to their bond? Now that makes things more interesting.

Two more people joined the two men: William and a woman sitting on his shoulders. She was wearing a headdress that resembled the horns of a goat.

"Is that Fiona?" Norton asked, remembering the name from a conversation he'd heard from the previous night.

Emma nodded. "Ah, yes. Ms. Fiona Gilman."

"She's pretty," the miner commented, studying the woman's features.

Fiona had her red hair tied in a single side braid. She's wearing a purple hood over a black dress that had slits on either side that were too high Norton wondered if she was wearing any underwear. William had to be a saint to be able to endure that.

"Yes, she is," Emma agreed. "Makes us wonder why Mr. Clark still hasn't asked her out yet. We've been rooting for them since both of them get along really well when it comes to mysticism. You should see them when they talk about their gods. It's like we don't exist to them. But it seems like they're not interested in each other. After all, Mr. Subedar is always keeping Mr. Clark to himself."

"I think I understand why," Norton muttered under his breath. "It's not easy to find someone like Eli."

Eli was a gem. And Norton hated that fact.

* * *

Two cipher machines left. The last time Norton encountered someone from his team was when he saw Emma dismantling a rocket chair near a carousel. After that, he never saw any one of them again.

They were at an abandoned theme park. It's a large walled area that was divided in half by a river. Communication was impossible. He only knew that there were only two machines left since he heard multiple popping sounds. As to who the hunter was or where it was, he had no idea.

Inside a large tent, which he assumed to be previously called Circus Hullabaloo because of the sign outside, he was halfway on finishing a machine when tapping sounds caught his attention. He looked up to see that it was Helena limping towards him. Her pastel pink stockings were soaked with blood. There was a clean cut on one of her legs that seemed to have been made by a sharp blade.

"Help," she gasped, catching her breath.

Behind her was a large creature that resembled a large mechanical spider. Its large body was covered with a filthy rag. There were movements from underneath the cloth which made Norton's hair stand on end. Its legs were a combination of ball-jointed doll hands and large metal blades. What made it more hideous was the head that had a face of a marionette doll. It was terrifying.

Norton stepped out of the way when Helena reached her arms out to him. For a moment, he didn't say anything as if he's trying to conceal his presence from the blind girl. He was determined to abandon her; but in the end, he decided to grab her and lift her in his arms. He could've easily left her there, but it would be too cruel to leave a helpless blind girl in danger. He wasn't that remorseless.

One cipher machine popped. One more left. He had a bleeding girl in his arms, and they were both running for their lives.

>

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer IV: Reunion

Mingfei's wings flapped unevenly as he lowered himself to the ground, landing and staggering to keep his balance. Meanwhile, Mingze followed him down, alighting on the concrete barrier like a glaring gargoyle.

He turned to me and walked over. 

I was too weak and injured. My burned skin was started to form blisters all over. I was in incredible pain and shrank away from him as he approached. My voice was scratchy in my dry throat. “Mingfei? No... who are you?”

He squatted down a few feet away. “You can call me Mingfei, if you want to.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened to you...” I sniffled, whimpering.

“This happened to me?” Mingfei’s voice held a hint of confusion. The bony armor rattled when he tilted his head. “Here. Let me help.”

His eyes were still that reptilian yellow, but his expression was kind and his voice was soft and soothing. He reached out to me, the bones of Fenrir, capping his fingers like cat’s claws in an Xray.

“Come on. I won’t hurt you.”

I was still uncertain. He was a dragon. He’d just shattered Fenrir’s ghost in a second. Even at one fourth of his strength, his power radiated like a spiritual hum. It was like I was approaching some sort of angel, but this angel was an unknown wild animal that had taken an interest in me but was just as likely to tear me apart should the fancy take him.

His hand slid over mine and enclosed it in a gentle grip. It was hot, like he had just taken off woolen gloves. That heat crawled up my body covering me in its comforting glow. The pain subsided, as did the blisters and the redness.

“How are you doing this? I thought you couldn’t use words here?”

“I’m not using words. None of these abilities are my Word Spirit. I’m happy you’re okay, Ouroboros.”

“Is that really my name?”

“You... don’t have a name. But he’s your father. Right?”

“I... never told you that...”

“I can see into your blood. That’s who your father is.”

He helped me stand up and turned back to his brother.

“You haven’t changed at all.” Mingze grumbled, still glaring at us. 

Mingfei didn’t answer. He just took steps towards his brother, unwavering, confident.

Mingze’s eyes flashed with anger. “You still have more compassion for humans than for your own kind. I don’t even know why you bothered to wake. Just give me your power.”

Mingfei didn’t break his stride. I saw Mingze’s claws close around the sword in his hand and saw the tension in his shoulders. His eyes grew brighter in rage.

I looked for somewhere to hide. They would destroy this place in a battle.

But there was nowhere to hide beyond a few boulders. My heart beat quicker as Mingfei closed the distance and then stopped.

“What you just showed me now... is that real? What... happened to you?” He asked.

“Shut up! Whatever happened to me was your fault. Your fault because you chose to live like an idiot...” Mingze hissed. “Which is how you always lived. Just... give me the last fourth! I’m the only one who knows what to do with it!” 

“You’ve... been trapped all this time?” I could barely hear Mingfei now and had to strain to make out his words.

“Are you even listening to me?” Mingze’s voice rose in pitch. Standing on the barrier, Mingze could look down on him. His wings flared and he jumped down. “Do what you were looking to do, try to see if you can take my life, brother!”

Mingfei lifted one claw and placed the flat of his palm on his brother’s head. 

Mingze stiffened and froze, his eyes wide.

“That must have been really hurtful for you. I’m sorry.”

Quiet descended on the cavern. Mingfei’s expression was so loving, so mature, that I felt my throat closing. What was I looking at right now? I thought Mingfei was going to kill Mingze. I thought Mingze was going to take the last of his life.

Why had everything suddenly changed? They were dragons right?

Mingze’s wing’s dropped, limp as though they were broken. Mingfei gently ran his hands through his brother’s hair and the wingtips trembled.

Mingfei asked in a soft voice. “Do you want me to come get you?”

The shorter young man lowered his head in a meek little nod. 

“Alright. I’m sorry you have to wait a little longer. I’m sure you’re aware that we have a little problem to solve first. Once we solve this problem, I will come get you.”

Mingze suddenly swung his arm, knocking Mingfei’s hand away. “Why? Don’t you care that I tried to kill you?”

“You were only doing what you needed to do to live. In the end, it is my fault.” 

“Shut up!” He turned his back to us, folding his arms over his chest and veiling himself with his wings. But I could still hear the strain in his voice. “Zero will be there. I told her to bring the skeletons of Constantine and Norton from the Gattuso Palace. Eat those if you need more strength. But until you come, I’m not giving you your life back.”

“Zero?” Mingfei blinked in surprise.

“She’s...”

“She?!” Mingfei took a step back in shock. “No way!”

Mingzei whirled around in fervent denial. Tears glittered in his eyes and steam rose from his face. “It’s not like that! She’s just my Deadpool!”

“Heh... deadpools don’t have names brother...” Mingfei rubbed his chin knowingly

Mingze turned away again. “Just get out of here. That girl will take you to me. Don’t die.”

The space Mingze occupied was suddenly vacant.

[kittymaverick]

It’s that time again. MCF: Black Crown commentary

 I’m actually watching AdventureGameFan8 this time instead of Pazu first. (I intend to watch Pazu later for his commentary.) Anyhow, spoilers under the cut...

1. Skulls... skulls everywhere... HELP. Note: Kitty has a chronic fear of skulls since childhood. It’s bad enough that she still can’t finish 13th Skull even after all these years. 2. Her Majesty: You remember what happened last time... MD: ...A ghost drowned some people that were holding me hostage, and then I drowned that ghost again with the help of his crew? By the way, are you sending me on this case again just so I can come back with a good story? Her Majesty: Now why would I ever do that? *plays innocent*

3. Chapter 0. XD I like how it straight up acknowledges it’s a chapter 0. And we’re collecting... CRABS this time. (Better than skulls!)

4. Huh, interesting, for once this is a puzzle I would have needed to solve with a piece of paper nearby. I don’t think we’ve had that either forever, or for ages.

5. MD: Huh, so the asylum’s benefactor is Crown Estate Holdings... ...Is there such a thing as pissing off the descendants of a ghost you came across??? MD: I guess I’m about to find out...

6. I still don’t trust this Dr. Norton, and I SWEAR we’ve heard the name Nathaniel somewhere... MD: I should have kept a notebook of names just in case...

7. This patient file is giving me so many warning bells. MD: shiny round object-- MUST BE THE CRYSTAL BALL. *Paranoia max*

8. That’s a lot of lollipops you’re carrying doctor. I expect them to show up later. MD: Also, this pocket watch, if you so much as put them in yourself... Dr: ...I see you are still incredibly paranoid, much like you were on your last visit. MD: Can you honestly blame me given my line of work?

9. WAIT A MOMENT THE MD SIGNED THEIR NAME LEMME SEE IT I CAN READ CURSIVE-- MD: NEXT. If that actually says Phineas Crown I’m going to scream because WHERE IS THE REAL MD THEN.

10. Dr.: The last thing we need right now is the whole wing getting agitated. Me and MD: And then the whole wing got agitated... *sighs*

11. MD: Speaking of, I swear I did some property destruction while I was here last time. Has that been fixed? I’m starting to see why the Crown Estate might have a beef with you.

12. Dr.: I’ll be right back! MD: Really? You’re really going to just leave me here in the dark?... Good thing I swiped a torch from the table earlier. I was wondering why you just took that...

13. MD:...Okay seriously, if the WHOLE WING OF PATIENTS is in on the puzzle I seriously thing we’re doomed. You don’t know that. It might just be a game they like to play together. :P

14. MD: I just got chills. Something isn’t right, all of a sudden. Wow, understatement of the year. Glad to see that paranoia finally kicking in. MD: ...I did always have a late spider sense...

15. How convenient it is that there’s a museum to visit-- Um, MD?! MD: WHO TOUCHED MY BUGGY AND TAMPERED WITH THE BRAKES??? I TOLD YOU THE MUSEUM STAFF WERE BAD NEWS!!!! MD: And they even left a postcard telling me about it. Okay, they’re just taunting me now.

16. Um, MD, is your buggy technically the company’s? MD:................. They’re going to dock your pay for this, right? MD: That thought ALMOST made me just want to just stay in the car and go with it. 17. Ah, getting keys from other people’s incompetence. MD: If only all doors and puzzles were like that... To be fair, the last time the main antagonist was somewhat incompetent, we nearly broke space-time, and also almost got stuck in their hallucination. MD: ...Yeah, on second thought, never mind.

18. MD: Wow there, boy! Calm down. I’ve just notice that you’re not very good with animals. MD: You would think I would have learnt to keep a bag of treats handy by now, but alas. ...Wait, is this why you were never allowed a pet? MD: ...*changes subject* Hey look this map over here’s very interesting!

19. Another fact about the MD learned: They can rock-climbing. Somewhat. MD: I almost joined my car... People usually take their gloves OFF and put CHALK on  for a reason, you know. Like, the chalk you just used 5 seconds ago. MD: If I grounded up the whole thing, then it’ll be obvious someone has been here. No duh! As if the open lock and dog in cage didn’t clue them in! /8D

20. This whole “let’s follow the most-definitely not evil artifact” is REALLY doing wonders on your chance of survival. MD: ...Look, it’s an occupational hazard... Mh-hmm. MD: ...And okay I do get a bit too into the mystery. So more like an occupational addiction.

21. Oh no, a person! Gotta stay hidden! MD: Uh, I think I’ve failed that already, with the fountain now 2 stories high and what not.

22. OH NO THE DOCTOR AND NURSE ARE HERE. RED ALERT! RED ALERT! MD: I’m armed with my fists and a sharp badge, don’t come closer. Doctor: Actually, we’re here because the patients all broke out during the black out... Nurse: And they took the girl with them here, using a stolen ambulance. MD: ...As much as it was the reason I managed to get out myself, your asylum REALLY needs better security. Also, how did you get in with the front door locked? 23. Doctor: By the way, they were screaming about a crown. Can you keep an eye out? MD: And I just all of a sudden remember a story about some villains who tricked me into finding something for them while I was on a case. Would you like to know what happened to them in the end? 8D (Spoiler alert: they drowned.) Doctor: Anyway, let’s split up. MD: That sounds like a “Let’s get the MD to do a the work while we just sit back and relax”... but sure, I’m in. Also doc, can you just give us one of those lollipops already? Like, it’s so obvious we’re going to need it later...

23. MD: Man, this watch sure is handy-- Um, did you already forgot what all of your supernatural/mechanical fancy gizmos have done in the past few games??? MD: ...Look, we detectives need our companion cubes, okay, especially the ones who can’t handle animals. Who happen to also VANDALIZE historical paintings. My GODS. MD: There was a THING, okay?!

24. SHADOW FIGURE DETECTED. ALERT, STRANGE PRESENCE DETECTED. MD: Yeah, it’s probably the doctor. They all end up weird sooner or later. You are REALLY to calm about this.

25. MD: Haha, funny note. Curses aren’t real! ... MD: ...Okay that was out of character. Yeah... let’s open it anyway though. 8D

26. ???: The last time we met, you killed my parents! MD: ...Oh, it’s you. Should have guessed, though I thought you were dead too. Phineas Crown: WELCOME TO MY HOUSE. MD: And YOU, are most definitely dead. Seriously, didn’t you get dragged back under water?! You REALLY have a lot of crime families coming after you, don’t you? Also, CAN WE NOPE OUT OF HERE?! MD: Yeah, prime time to be stuck in a corridor right now. So, um, HELP? Dr.: I got this! This way! MD: Wait, YOU?! Nah, ah, I’m not falling for-- okay, fine, you better not get possessed later thought!

27. Doctor: We better find the nurse and get out of here, so... I’ll hold the door, and you... figure a way out for us. MD: It’s so strange having an ally so early in the game. I’m so suspicious... *Finds a way out* Doctor: Is that... you car in the distance? MD: *sob* yes... Doctor: I’m sorry, it was a nice car. Oh for once someone compliments the car! Doctor: At least you didn’t go over with it. ...MD, I think you have competition in the sarcasm department now.

28. Nurse: HELP! Dr. and MD: ...welp, better find her quick. *Dog shows up* MD: AAAAHHH! *Dog whines* MD: ...good doggy, nice doggy... please remember me giving you treats and not me locking you up... Hey, maybe you WILL get a pet after all!

29. So, we probably should avoid the patients and that women-- *MD walks right back into the building* REALLY?! Doctor: ...I do believe that our detective hasn’t been the most self-preserving after all those traumatic events in their life. MD: Look, if I don’t take some risks, I’m not going to earn enough money to eat, okay? Doctor: True enough, that said, let’s go into this maze and look for the nurse. MD: Now hold on, that’s way too dangerous! ...You two are perfect for each other, in the worst of ways. 30. MD: Well, thank god for that dog. Aaaand the Doctor’s lost. Bet you he’s the one going to be in distress next. MD: ...On account of him calling my car nice, I’ll highly consider rescuing him in a moment. 31. Skull patient: ... MD: ...Um, hi? *Skull patient attacks!* *MD uses block! It’s super effective* *MD uses punch! It’s also super effective!* MD: I personally prefer not to use violence, but oh well... ...Since WHEN have you been able to knock a guy out with one punch?! MD: Violence is a last resort, okay? Says the person who would have probably gotten out of MANY MANY situations if you’d had thrown more punches in the past! 32. Another unconscious patient?! MD: Not me! Nurse: ...That was me, sorry. Also, they said something about what was up here before you knocked them out. Might help before the police get here. MD: You guys keep on saying police like they will actually show up in time to be helpful, when usually, that’s not the case... 33. MD: Aaaand got the starchart-- WAH! Doctor: Hi, I’ve rescued myself from the maze! I also know the way back now though. MD: ...This is SO new to me. Tell me about it. People actually saving themselves now? What is this?! Nurse: Well, there’s still the girl, if you want to rescue someone. Doctor: Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with that. The two of us would only get in the way, but you should rescue the girl, detective. We’ll wait outside! Bye! ...Wait, so we’re rescuing the villain now??? MD: ...again, this is SO new to me. [Part 2 coming soon.]

[funface2]

110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

Read more:

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

Read more:

115 of the best bad jokes

105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Read more:

51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding

48 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns

Read more:

105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Read more:

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

More jokes:

Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Source link

Bài viết 110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/110-of-the-funniest-ever-jokes-and-best-one-liners-from-comedians-inews/

[ghostlyrunawayarcade-blog]

Belkin DualFit Armband For Apple iphone 4.

Endurance Nightclub Ireland organise a variety of activities throughout the nation and have generally remained in the West from Ireland and in the Midlands. He put those footwears on and strolled all over stomping his feet, informing me and also my hubby that now he could possibly run. You are actually going to squander a lot less electricity when you're out there finishing jog or even doning a race because if you have a much more reliable stride and also jogging kind. Our company've gone on holidays before where we didn't remain as active as we really wanted and came back residence emotion obese, puffed up, and undesirable. I had not been incredibly delighted using it. I possessed some personal injury troubles later on, but I returned and also managed a 2:39 at the Philadelphia Marathon in 2011. Don't get me wrong, I am actually extremely pleased along with the Dallas Half however I can easily not say I believed on top of the world" or even fantastic while managing. I was actually somewhat undernourished through 2 pounds when i very first acquired pregnant (I acquired pregnant right after operating my initial total marathon in May:-RRB- So i was a little bit of postponed through acquiring a lot because of the suggestions. From here till http://derkuss-derschonheit.info , you'll be actually consistently passing folks and also because you'll seem like you are actually operating definitely, your general experience is going to be positive. http://derkuss-derschonheit.info am actually still heading to be a little unhappy on the wedding day BUT knowing exactly how my leg is actually, there is actually no chance I can securely manage the endurance. Shallow-water jogging is just what it sounds: in fact managing, touching the swimming pool buttocks, in the superficial end of the pool. While race time package deal pick up was actually likewise accessible in 2015, I really appreciate that I'll have the ability to stroll to the Managing Space to grab my bib over driving to Spruce Meadows to do therefore, as it is at the much south from the metropolitan area. My 1st cross nation season acted as a great deal of traits for me. I discovered every little thing concerning running. John Wallace: Probably the hardest endurance program in the world that I have actually run is actually Pike's Peak in Colorado. I will not encourage all of them for endurance tasks like long-distance rushing or walking. The various other locations that jogging has aided are now being actually chronicled by research study in terms of the psychological perks as well as what they show. In this particular section you'll discover quick video, outlined in a good consecutive flow, of how to perform all the Chi Operating Type Concentrations. I've been following you on the social networks, your managing updates, as well as etc, as well as your nourishment suggestions. While I am actually much more fit to evening jogging - I possess much more energy and could strike faster paces - I just actually, truly hate needing to follow job. Numerous instructors suggest marathoners to manage regarding 18-22 kilometers during training so the sheer range from the marathon isn't really a surprise to your physical body. I've run in some nor'easter s with the surf dinning the sea wall structure and also this's incredible. PHYSICIAN Campitelli is actually a foot doctor in Akron, OH concentrating on feet as well as ankle surgical treatment along with a rate of interest as well as excitement for operating and also assisting distance runners with injuries. Rachel, depending upon your area there could be actually a section of Moms RUN This Community close by. Therefore for many, cross training is delegated to the harmed: a form of purgatory in between incredible pain-free jogging and the hell of sluggishness. That possesses a deep front end neck zipper which is actually very easy to manage along with gloved palms as well as allows excellent air flow as the temperature levels climb in the course of your run. If you're going through a headwind, turning your go to the edge to breathing spell makes that a whole lot simpler. I too am a tiny (5' 3 ″) extremely active female (ran an one-half marathon in April this year). You've heard me speaking about managing a few from them either in the Bay Place or in Normandie, France where I offered the title (no actual translation required ...;--RRB-. I've likewise recorded on my own aiming to deal with a running objective for post-delivery and child and how to, suitably, alleviate back right into a much more extreme managing program. There are actually some mornings when he awakens fussy as well as those are actually the rare early mornings that he will definitely get back to mattress - but usually I hear his satisfied little voice requiring me or even da-da - which is actually an indication he is actually vast awake. That is actually hard to fail along with an operating publication, and also there have actually been actually some wonderful ones that came out this year such as Scott Jurek's Eat to Run, Marshall Ulrich's Working on Unfilled, as well as The Ghost Jogger through Costs Jones. This is actually most definitely fairly to run outdoors in the course of a snowfall, yet many cannot recognize exactly what the snowfall can do in regards to overtaxing the muscular tissues in your lower legs. I completed my run with the fastest splits I 'd taped in months, after that possessed an even much faster storage locker clean-out and also was actually back on the road in the advanced afternoon. Simply 3 miles different Cattle ranch and Mockingbird but they consist of a handful of high hillsides particularly on the daunting Cattle ranch Path, fortunately complied with through steep down hillsides on Viril Norton route. Additionally, I would certainly suggest to have a gel or two from your very own along with you to take at around 10 miles and do not count on competition ordered gels as there were actually none until rather late on in the operate and also far too late for me! Several of my toughest exercises were keeping up the doubles in the dual infant stroller. After viewing these runners delighting in the tracks, and also given that I was actually going through Saratoga anyhow en route back/down, I determined to drive to Los Gatos to engage to the Segment from the Month, an obstacle coordinated by Jeff Clowers and marketed in the Quicksilver Trail Distance runners group on FaceBook This time around it was 3 kilometers straight up (see the Strava portion ), a climb from concerning 1,300 feet. While this is actually a popular excuse to not run, being actually obese is actually certainly not cause good enough certainly not to operate barefoot or even in a minimal footwear. I first ranged from home to the major parking of Stevens Creek County Park, where our nightclub, the Stevens Spring Striders come across every Sunday morning at 8:30 am, for a run in capitals prior to gathering for morning meal at Hobbie's.

[sciencejonica-blog]

Kaspersky Coupon Code

The website positively must have reliable shopping cart software installed. In order to lose weight, get more sleep at night. There is little start-up costs, just pay for some coffee for free samples and some for yourself. The PHP web developer is not only a skilled person but also invests his time and efforts to give desired results. I will attempt to weigh the Pros and Cons of both and come up with an answer for your style of entertainment. Studies say that CRM is now becoming an essential part in ERP implementation process. A good spyware remover will hum along unnoticed in the background without slowing down your computer, allowing you to continue working while it is doing its job. ESET Online Scanner (In-browser scan Kaspersky discount coupon 2018 here through Internet Explorer only. The benefit would be that Kaspersky discount 2018 there will be minimum need of customization. When Kaspersky promo eating regularly carrot can also help lower blood cholesterol level and high blood pressure. Shared Hosting is inexpensive but you have be particular that Kaspersky coupon the hosting software program you web hosting company is supplying you actually holds Kaspersky discount Kaspersky promo code what you need, scripting languages, applications, control empanel etc. When you're just starting out, there will be times when you could really use some help. For the best results, you need to hire an in house software manager to enable you to track what is happening in these contracts. It has become quite commonplace to fill your refrigerator and cabinets with easy to cook, easy to eat convenience foods. Make sure that you bring plenty of fruit, nuts and seeds for snacking on in work. Actually, you shouldn't cut down on carbohydrates totally, but lessen its input slowly. But Julia has developed what's currently acknowledged as the Norton protocol to combat autoimmune diseases.This Protocol is based on 26 years of work from a healer named Herman in addition to 2 years of her own work. From teachers to bankers, friends and dates, everything we need is now online. My first action was to run a well-known Lavasoft Ad-Aware, which I downloaded, installed and updated the Reference file. Comparing the snapshot reports should show that malicious files were created and Registry entries were made after the introduction. These people are now part of one of the most profitable criminal enterprises on earth. Hence, if you want to secure the information of your clients and your own website, it is always advised that you opt for a dedicated server. A lot of Web hosting Providers use some combination of apparatus and software program to ensure that Kaspersky discount coupon the servicers are up and running. Customer Service - Many Kaspersky promo 2018 traders approach this final point as an afterthought. Hosting companies maintain large networks of high-powered web server computers in a physical location known as a data center. Celery Seeds - Celery seeds are well known for reducing blood pressure and they are a low calorie food. Unfortunately, the contents page is very brief, without links to the pages, and there are no bookmarks. Just make sure that you take your time when selecting the hosting package and don't just sign up with the Kaspersky coupon code first company you find, since there are quite a few low quality web hosts. The best place to get discount coupon codes for Halloween costumes are several websites that feature Kaspersky coupon code 2018 thousands of online retailers and the various coupons and promo codes offered by each at a moment Kaspersky promo code 2018 in time. You'll probably find two pads, a CPR barrier mask, a piece of cloth or a towel, scissors, a pair of gloves and possibly a razor. One such solution which provides everything you need for USB security is Everstrike's USB Security software. Although these situations are unusual, hiring locksmiths will be able to help you with these situations as well as prevent you from further panicking over your demise. The level of protection which it delivers free Kaspersky coupon 2018 is exemplary for others which are not able to do so through their paid versions. That feeling of helplessness can also apply when faced with a computer security issue. Most of us can sell once we get in. Virtual piano keyboard software offers many advantages and benefits that make it a great option, whether you are a new musician, an accomplished performer, or simply someone who loves music and likes to have fun. For people that think of them as serious investors, they should never delve into this without having a powerful piece of software that is backing them up. Do not ever open unauthorized emails as they might be harmful to your computer.

[addcrazy-blog]

New Post has been published on Add Crazy

New Post has been published on https://addcrazy.com/mac-held-their-february-assembly/

MAC held their February assembly

President Linda Cornelius welcomed 26 contributors and guests to the Washington Carnegie Public Library for the monthly Monday Afternoon Membership assembly Feb. 6. Secretary Kim Wagner read the minds from the preceding meeting and Treasurer Julie Bassler gave the treasurer’s file.

The nominating committee supplied a slate of officers to be voted on the annual commercial enterprise meeting in March.

The MAC Moment changed into supplied by means of honorary member Mary Lou Gotwald. Her first reminiscence of MAC changed into in the early 50s watching her mother, Mary Norton, practicing here-book presentation again and again and dressing up in a hat and gloves for the weekly meeting.

Gotwald truly shared part of MAC when you consider that 1956 as a baby when she finished with the Jr. Ballet Organisation for this system.

As a young person with a husband, 3 children and working in health care, research to put in writing a paper to give a application become mentally stimulating. In assessment of the 43 years of membership and application research, she located it nonetheless hit home with our us of a and authorities nowadays. books recommended then and now to examine, “Doublespeak,” by using William Lutz, and George Orwell’s “1984.”

Gotwald challenged the MAC contributors to live informed and intellectually engaged in order that they will continue to be educated members of society, persevering with the item of Monday After Membership — literary cultivation and the examine of sociology.

The commentator, Gayle Ostby, offered a humorous and really informative narrative on “The Starting place of Valentine’s Day.” The beginnings of Valentine traditions date again to the Romans, a few as far lower back at forty-four BCE. Linked to the Roman gods the festival changed into initially approximately shepherds and bringing fitness and fertility to their herds. Then additionally it celebrated Lupa, the she-wolf that nursed the legendary founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus, to health.

Rapid ahead to the 18th century wherein in Britain the exchanging of hand-crafted love notes had end up famous. This subculture quickly caught on in The USA. in the 1850s, Esther Howland, whose father owned a massive ebook and stationery store, notion mass production of such playing cards could be a exceptional way to make cash and, as they are saying, the relaxation is records.

Bev Summers added the guest speaker, Jim Pearson, the grandson of former kingdom Sen. Homer E. Capehart. Pearson’s mother changed into the youngest of the Capehart children and he spent a terrific deal of time with his grandfather. Pearson shared that it become smooth to speak at the difficulty and it changed into obvious he spoke as a passionate observer.

Homer Earl Capehart become a younger guy from a small city in southern Indiana, salesman, farmer and baby-kisser. In 1927 he installed the automated Phonograph Agency. He is also called “The daddy of the Jukebox,” on account that he persuaded Wurlitzer to produce the coin-operated phonograph jukebox. And Capehart changed into a Wurlitzer income supervisor.

Concerns about the way things were getting in 1938, he took it upon himself to level a substantial amassing which have become referred to as the “Cornfield Convention” on his 1,800-acre farm and 25,000 Republicans came to the event.

The almost deafening oratory was non-prevent. There was a blue and white striped tent, bigger than the tent of a three-ring circus, where eight,500 were seated for a meal. There have been dozens of smaller tents on 120 surround acres. 40-5 hundred fried chickens, forty,000 baked clams, and untold numbers of watermelons had been fed on.

The future senator spent an astronomical $forty,000 to efficiently appeal to countrywide political leaders to the event and it turned out to be a turning factor in countrywide politics.

The following assembly may be March 6 and can be at yet every other treasure of Daviess County, the Irish Background Middle, placed at Cornin in the St. Patrick’s Church.

The quick Awkward Lifestyles of Mac Remora – Element II

So that they sat there within the the front of the Training Middle, it turned into Saturday, sat there within the colour below a few wide-topped umbrella searching bushes, a busy avenue out of doors the gate of the navy base, they sat on a stretch of grass that ran the length of the vintage Global Struggle barracks, now used as the Education Center, where they held training from the University of Maryland. Past the stretch of grass, the iron fence to the bottom, across the motorway, Past all that, were guesthouses, Beyond that changed into the metropolis-permit of Babenhausen. whilst he noticed Remora’s curiosity he put his pen and paper to the side, snapped up onto his feet. The other students became away with their faces empty, and endured to write out their zoological papers.

They had unknowingly each decided at that point to break faraway from the norm, and now not be independent, but a bit extra interdependent in deciding on and going to College instructions. They could devour collectively after college, find a bar and Lee might get drunk, as Mac in no way did, however he relied on Lee’s Company, paid for his meals, his food, and beverages, even the gas, in no way soliciting for a cent, stated once, “You’ll never discover a better bigger than me!” And Lee assured himself he would not.

At times Lee got too under the influence of alcohol to even speak, as Mac remained distinguished, and to the ones young girls around him, he changed into thoughtful, Lee became a bit to the opposite. It would even have regarded to Mac’s admirers, it would be a damn sight easier for him to dispose of Lee, keep his money, and not ought to watch Lee drinking to country-code, due to the fact this became apparently extra than a phase for him, more like a way of life.

“How is the whole lot going?” Mac would ask Lee, in the course of the ones ingesting spells, that best stopped whilst he changed into on duty, and he’d solution, “Oh, I’m first-rate…” and retain ingesting, and you’d think the night time had long past to pot, however it did not segment Mac all that a lot. There was evidently a cause for Mac’s generosity.

Chapter five Black Market

“I am sorry,” Remora stated looking at Sergeant Lee Erwin Wright, looking at him in his American army uniform, his white American face, that was square and sturdy, and would continue to be that way all the manner to his mid Nineteen Fifties, and Remora mentioned his wavy auburn hair for once, as he held his hat and the wind blew all of it, every which way, his first-rate sparkling bluish-green eyes, only dimly dubious, a stable top nose, top lip thin, lower lip fuller, a good-looking jaw. “I am sorry, amigo, but you need to understand all those instances I’ve taken you out to eat, and buy you drinks-oh don’t get me incorrect, I don’t mind doing it-however I need a choose, I need to be able to lend me your ration playing cards, for whiskey and cigarettes.”

(Lee were selling his rationed whiskey to a bar down in Munster via Dieburg, getting double its value, but Remora were spending twice that quantity on his nightly drinking and consuming after classes on the College. So what should he do, Lee concept. He became already in debt to him, and he liked Remora, and his sporty Mercedes he drove in, even borrowed it to him now and then. And here the company became apologizing, due to the fact he couldn’t have the funds for to retain his lavished living on him, if indeed he could not make a contribution some thing. What could he say?

“Don’t worry about the cigarettes, I got ration playing cards from numerous of my buddies for that item, and I realize you smoke, but I know you don’t drink whiskey, instead beer, I positive could use your card!” Lee bolted like a rabbit, while a fox just grabs him, and gave him the cardboard, he’d make possibly even greater than he turned into making, he knew each bar in town, and nightclub, and PX within fifty miles. And for the most Component, Lee Wright become wondering, what the heck you could do with a man like that, that talked so easily, but however turned into right, and beneficent, Lee surprised.

Lee checked out Mac together with his cheerful bluish-green eyes, but sturdy Army combat, Struggle eyes, eyes that have visible death and destruction in Vietnam, in 1971, and Mac knew he changed into no coward, depend-of-truth, he knew he became or will be risky, even along with his excellent smile, in case you did not word how his eyes showed that, it was to 1’s disadvantage (but Mac had heard, but now not said a phrase on it heard he taught a squadron on the 545th Ordnance Business enterprise, karate techniques, and played difficultly, so difficult the squadron protested, and he stopped their education because they have been as he said, “Cry infants”).

“in the morning if you like Lee, you can come with me and notice how I do my black-Market business, my buying. Perhaps I’m able to restoration it up for you,” he said. “We’re going to never get wealthy, but We will live well inside the intervening time.”

“Okay, in the morning if you want,” remarked Sergeant Wright. This was sincerely the way to accept it, notion Mac; he ought to inform a factor or about soldiers, he become one for two years. He turned into eager about America, even though he decided to stay in West Germany, and had learned to talk German nearly in addition to he ought to speak English, and perhaps spoke extra German than English. however of direction, Lee could not, I simply he spoke German, but should simplest understand, each 5th phrase or so, and his vocabulary becomes restrained to possibly one-hundred phrases if that.

The morning was as vibrant and warm as they arrive. ‘right here’s Mac,’ Lee mumbled to himself, out of doors of his condo on base, inside the housing vicinity, where he lived. He walked over to his vehicle looking refreshed and joyful. but he wasn’t honestly atypical, Mac notion, no, not ordinary, one of a kind, he knew tons extra than what he said, he’d not let on to what he did recognize either, usually wondering, with that reddish finishing touch.

“How’s Belinda,” commented Lee, Mac’s fiancée to be. He had handiest visible her once, a trainer that labored across the street at the Yankee faculty, for the children added over to Germany from the States with the aid of their army families. She was a pearl, the concept, a lightly black female that had-oh, a good deal greater magnificence than Mac. “were getting alongside excellent, I simply do not want to get engaged pretty yet, but she’s pregnant, I simply located out, so I bet I’ll have to earlier than later. Belinda became very spectacular idea Lee, ‘You will kill the very thing you adore,’ thought Lee because he knew Mac’s personality demanded he still gets his oats out, in the wild girl jungle, the one he creates and destroys. In lots of a night Membership women simply flocked over him, a few stripped in front of him, to get his attention. Whatever he had, it becomes as if it became voodoo or some black magic over these women.

As they went from PX, to PX, to German shops, and bars, Lee noticed he had a network of buyers for his whiskey and cigarettes, and he’d even forestall at a few residences of soldiers, get their ration cards, he made a bundle of cash this early morning, to forenoon-Sergeant Wright contemplated. And he even stopped to mention hello at a tennis court, to a younger woman named Melody Brown (he didn’t realize at the time, she was seventeen and the daughter of Sergeant Robert Brown, despite the fact that she appeared her age), Sergeant Brown being a sergeant that worked in one of the units on the Babenhausen military complex. but he would in a while discovering plenty extra. Lee thought, ‘If certainly, he had something happening with Melody, the Army turned into difficult and cruel on such predatory matters, and so have been the infantrymen with their daughters, revengeful on the predators. The woman turned into appealing, and he ought to see the younger guys around her have been long gone to portions nervously together with her, Mac approached her softened and handled her as though he had magic.

‘They can’t recognize that lots at her age,’ Lee thought. Lee was grateful that Mac had long past to displaying him his Life, but why? And why turned into the fooling around with a younger, Excessive school girl,’ (so he concluded), he requested himself. She got here running over to his automobile as they were about to take off, “I am coming with you,” she stated, searching for Lee for an instantaneous, then again to Mac.

“No, you’re no longer,” he stated. “Oh, yes, I’m,” and she or he opened the back door and jumped in. “you’re no longer staying for something,” he stated.

“not for something?” she said. Lee had felt he might have neglected something in all this, however, she became soliciting for it, and he changed into inclined, and while she left, Mac was given thinking, as she went off to cry as though he desired to take her with him however it becomes for some purpose too risky. To Lee, she regarded hell of an adorable child, with all of the woman parts, and she seemed to understand the approaches of a person and girl, however, did not she realize she’d be harm through him finally? It was the damnedest aspect, both gambling the damnedest recreation.

Lee had asked to be dropped off on the NCO Club (Non-commissioned officers Membership) figuring Mac would placed on every other show for him the next day, or Monday, earlier than later, but he desired no greater nowadays, and this would supply him a time to straighten things out in the event that they wished to straighten out with Melody, because Lee’s senses advised him, he become still thinking, thinking about on her.

https://addcrazy.com/

[whitelennykravitz-blog]

I think a good metric for the quality of a city is if there is an equally good chance, while drinking a morning coffee, of seeing a tank drive by or seeing a dead cat. Chongqing, China is this city. It was also a city that brought a lot of firsts: On the sports front, the first time playing basketball next to dancing formations of military men and women. On the culinary front, the first time eating a pig’s brain. On the drug front, the first time smoking meth.

I should point out that I flew into Chongqing in a haze of a drug hangover and a bit of wonder at the events that led me to be on that plane in the first place. It all hinged on Rona. I had met Rona in Prague the year before and over the course of 3 days (spread out over two periods when we overlapped in the city… and these aren’t “full” days, as in I didn’t spend 72 hours with her, maybe 35 hours, tops. And a lot of that was on a rickety boat in the Vltava river dancing in what I assume was vomit) we decided that I should come to Chongqing in order to pursue a group show with her. After some emailing to institutions over there, everything was set to go.

I departed Berlin for Chongqing and my timeline with her wasn’t really on my mind, yet, as I was exiting the security checkpoint in Tegel desperately looking for a Club Mate to drink before boarding my flight to China. I was parched and the long lines and xray machine (they just seem dry, don’t they? Cooking everything just a little bit) had left me needing both bubbles and caffeine. I entered an airport market and on opening my coin purse to pay for my drink, noticed that I had mindlessly wandered through the airport with a half gram of cocaine and 3 tabs of acid.

I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve done this, but it is, in fact, the third. The other two times were both on flights taken from Seattle to LA. The first of those LA trips occurred when I casually threw a bag of drugs (mushrooms and MDMA), that a group of friends and I were planning to take over the weekend, into my carry on bag the night before my flight, and then promptly forgot about them. This meant I walked through the airport with a carryon whose first item on opening was a ziplock bag full of drugs, conveniently on top of both my toiletry bag and laptop, both of which I forgot to remove from my bag. How this didn’t end poorly, I’m still unclear on. I think maybe it’s like dazzle camouflage in World War 1: it was let through because it was all just a bit too much.

The second LA trip was to chase a woman who had firmly shown me that there is no upper bound for the intensity I can love someone while still knowing that someday they will probably forget me. This is actually still on ongoing story, but it’s not very funny, or entertaining. This particular woman did create an image in my head, however, that I will probably never forget: we were sharing an apartment in Prague, and we had just woken up in my bed; high ceilings, everything painted white. There is a balcony overlooking a park, and huge snow flakes are drifting down pulling both the room and our lives into total silence. The light is dense and compact. It fills but does not overwhelm; it is a light that is reminding us of the totality of our lives. Some swedish knock-off white linen comforter is covering us, with a motif of blue trees with little blue birds in their branches. Her head is pushed into that spot where my arm meets my shoulder and it makes me feel like I am at once protecting her and also in awe of something very far away. We are looking out the large french doors to the balcony, and in between us and those countable snow flakes, huge like doilies under a grandmother’s teacup that all the neighborhood loves, is this woman’s ass peaking out from the blanket. We seem to both see her ass at the same time. She leans up to look at me with these eyes that have no mercy but can understand too much kindness — these are eyes that lovers are made of — and she says “look, a rabbit.”

Anyway. That is a side bit about a perfect moment in time. The point is when I went to see her, I threw on a hoodie that had a joint in one pocket, and 15 tabs of acid and a gram of cocaine in the other (there’s a pattern isn’t there?)

Once I had made it through Berlin security, though, I was scared about flying into China with drugs. I’ve never been to China, but the propaganda machine in the US is strong, and had given me a mental image of a country that seemed chronically terrifying in their treatment of human life. My solution to this problem was to quickly consume the half gram of cocaine, and to take one tab of acid. I didn’t think anyone would really pick out a tab of acid from a coin purse — they’d probably just assume the little ball of tinfoil was making company with other shinny things — but I thought one tab might help balance out the uncomfortable high that comes along with doing a half gram of cocaine in a very small amount of time.

I’m still not sure, in retrospect, if this was the right decision. I’m certain that the woman sitting next to me felt it was an awful idea. Her experience was sitting down next to someone who was overly concerned with the alignment of air vents, while gleefully rattling on about the different ways it is possible to organize genres of movies on the in-flight entertainment. “THEY’RE ALL FOREIGN FILMS TO SOMEONE, RIGHT??!” as I quickly do a tactile check of the air vents for the 100th time, while banging my knees together to what I believe was a Young Thug track playing on some level of my brain. I can be very cliche.

The flight is long, though, and with too many hours still left everything started to settle into “normal”, and that’s when I thought to myself, “How do I actually know Rona?”. The answer was really, “I don’t.” So as we descended into Chongqing, population 30 million, I was getting ready to share a flat with, and work with, a woman that I didn’t really know, for a month, before spending a second month there on my own, all in a city I didn’t know.

And to be honest, our relationship and time went really well. She’s one of those people that if you get into her space on day 1, day 2000 will be equally accessible. She shows up with no assembly required. No batteries needed. It’s all there. There was a cold war period of about a week, due to some assholeness on my part, but as part of our treaty agreement, I think it’s best that that side story gets left to another time.

But this writing all started with me stating firsts that included military formations, pig brains, and meth. And while I’ll get to each one of these items, I think it’s interesting to point out that in most stories the LARGE piece of it, the summit of the story, is actually quiet uninteresting, but it is the details leading up that cause for pause. Maybe this is one of those things that everyone already notices and I’m late to the game on.

I have a friend Emanuel who claims that while watching Fight Club for the first time that he knew immediately that Brad Pitt and Edward Norton were the same character. I still don’t know if I believe him, but I do know that I am amazingly good at suspending disbelief — to the point where I watch things and don’t worry about any structure between one frame and the next, or if things even make sense in general, I’m just happy that a machine is spinning away shoving images into my eyes at 30 frames per second.

The point of mentioning this is that I think I can sometimes suspend disbelief of my entire life, which I guess is me just saying that I’m good at ignoring running themes and important details of the world around me. Or maybe I don’t see the ones everyone else does.

Anyway. There are bits and pieces about the basketball: Military formations right next to the courts, white gloves that sway and sometimes were even part of elaborate pop music dance numbers involving 200 different soldiers. There was the street baller named Chocolate, who’s favorite NBA player was Jason Williams (a.k.a, White Chocolate). Chocolate wasn’t white, but did have a picture on his phone of him and Williams during an NBA promotional tour of China. People didn’t smile much playing ball there, or set screens. Both things I do a lot of. In fact, I believe in a good hard foul to stop give away baskets, which wasn’t a custom on this court. If you go and foul someone in pickup basketball when there is a precedence set for not touching anyone at all, a precedence you are oblivious to, yet people would assume you would be following, the look on peoples face as you deliver an obvious foul is a bit like you walked up and slapped a strangers baby while it lay in a carriage. Importantly this analogy requires a stranger’s baby, because the look is not anger, but more like, “what the fuck is that about?” Disbelief.

The pigs brain is uninteresting, really. It just tasted like weird tofu, so let’s move on.

When I first got to Chongqing I was introduced to my sidekick and future friend, Joey. He picked his english name from Friends (very strange choice I think based on personality, although Chandler and Ross are hard names to say for Chinese people) and met me the first time wearing a generic Cleveland Cavaliers jersey. I asked if he liked Lebron James, and he replied, “Who?”

China is strange like that because everything looks like it does everywhere else but for some reason you can’t quite participate in the same way. I’m convinced it’s something to do with how the Chinese language is structured, which is so different from a western language. And since language makes our reality, I think their reality is very different. It always felt like I was watching everyone jump into a stream, but when I tried to, I bounced off the surface of the water.

Eventually Joey and I got to partying together, which made me want to find some good vice. The problem was that most of the people talked of hardcore drug users as the people that sucked NO2 balloons and smoked weed at this one bar/club called Echo Bay; people hanging around someone frying pork on open coals, while another person sits with a huge NO2 tank, filling up balloons for that 20 second rush of brain cells dying. Drug culture is so stratified in China that the lower, more sober, layers don’t have any idea about the layer above them. But it is there. You just have to look. This weed/NO2 layer thought they were king, but they were just jesters. There was a layer above and it was a layer dense with meth and ketamine.

When I first met Mustafa he claimed to have quit doing drugs years ago, and encouraged me to “live the party with my own pure excitement.” I told him that seemed like it was working for him (although, and I didn’t say this then, it sounded like the kind of thing someone says when they are trying to convince themselves this is the case) but that I really enjoyed drugs. Just as they are. No need for excuses, just bring on the drugs.

And so it was a few weeks later that he asked me, “want to smoke some ice?” I’d never smoked meth before, but I’d heard that it was a drug that was used by people that were quite well off in the country, and also was a huge export from China. My cultural curiosity got the better of me and we were soon on the back of his knockoff Vespa, weaving through traffic with the bright lights of the Chongqing downtown across the river on one side, and the dark outlines of rundown apartments on the other. I’m a large guy, and Mustafa is sort of average build, but the two of us on that scooter, my knees poking out to the sides like trolling rigs on a fishing boat, wheels going all squirrelly from all the weight, seemed like the only way to drive to a drug dealers apartment in China. A cartoon version would be the emoji for “buying meth in China”.

We weave out of traffic, towards the sidewalk, with Mustafa yelling “hop off before I hit the curb!”, I sorta popped my bum up, and pulled my legs off the scooter, so that I ghosted off the back of the scooter landing in a quick jog as he expertly popped the curb and parked in front of one of the run down apartments. I think to this moment as a cirque du soleil moment; it had equal grace and skill from both parties.

There was a large cage over the entrance to the apartment block, and Mustafa didn’t have the guys phone number, but I noticed a buzzer switch for the gate about 3 meters inside, and using a piece of bamboo I was able to push the button and let us in.  Upstairs we werer let into an apartment that I can only describe as part brothel, part gambling ring, and part meth den. But in a classy way. Everyone was in suits and there were bowls of exotic fruit everywhere; I was immediately offered a coconut water on entry. Nothing makes smoking meth classier than some fresh fruit and coconut water. Actually I think it makes about any vice seem alright and somewhat dignified.

Preparing meth is pretty fabulous. Movies always make it look all dingy and gross in some trailer that is permanently caked in dust and oil, while someone heats up some glass apparatus, inhales, and falls listlessly back into a couch that is sun-bleached and covered in cigarette burn holes. This place is all leather and spotless glass tables. It’s like Bauhaus but with everyone looking very excited, talking at very rapid clips about topics of no consequence.

Mustafa flattened out a piece of tinfoil, perfectly flat with no wrinkles, sprinkled on some meth, heat the tin foil, which melted the meth into a nice glass sheen. He then offered me a sort of water pipe. The idea is that you heat the tinfoil, see-sawing the little liquid meth ball that forms, sucking in the smoke that comes off the top. It’s a bit like playing that maze game with a marble where you tilt the board and keep the ball from falling into holes. But you get high. And it’s a high that is neither pleasurable nor displeasing. You’re just high. It’s a bit like getting an average, non-painful handjob. But the process! Really one of the more fun processes out there.

The night floated on from there. We met back up with friends and went to a high-end karaoke bar where I grabbed some tinfoil and straws from the attached restaurant and convinced Mustafa to make a rig in the bathroom of the karaoke bar. Surrounded by all that marble and stainless steel bathroom fixtures, it actually worked well with my first impressions of meth; all that was missing was some fruit bowls and coconut water.

A woman ended up back at my place that night (I’m unclear on what her rational for that was, given that I can’t imagine I looked like a real winning catch), to be left completely unsatisfied as I laid in my bed, sweating profusely while my penis refused to produce an erection. She fell asleep and I slinked out to the bedroom feeling 100% strung-out. I always think this phrase refers to the sensation that one is existing in between actual minutes; time becomes infinitely long, and you can’t move between seconds anymore.

Out in the living room, a woman I knew back from home through mutual friends, happened to text me asking how I was doing. We hadn’t talked in a long time, so I responded honestly, “I’m high on meth and can’t get an erection. Feel bad for this girl that came home with me.” She responded by sending me pictures of herself naked and one of some guys cock about to penetrate her ass. It was unexpected as I’d never seen her naked, but the nice thing about meth is it really lets you roll with the punches.

I told her thank you for the photos, and then curled up on the couch, smacked my lips still tasting all those fruit bowls, and desperately wished to fall asleep.