#I want to draw them all my ultimate blorbos and I am so tired

[spectacledraws]

radiant dawn doodles ok I MISS THEM SOOOO MUCH

[area51-escapee]

This is technically a vent but it really ain’t that serious I just need it out of my head lmao

I was getting that reoccurring thought again that I should delete my blogs and delete everything I’ve ever written and give up posting my writing all together forever and then I went to take my birth control and saw what week I was on like OH. That explains that. We’re good everybody ALSJSKDJSJSHSK

It is of course a little depressing to accept the fact that people just aren’t really interested anymore. People have actual responsibilities again since we ain’t all sitting at home. I also just don’t post nearly as often as I used to. I can ramble about my oc’s all day all I want but why is anybody going to care if I can’t update consistently. I think it’s a little more upsetting because that was one of the first times I felt really. Good. At something. I’m okay at a lot of things which is fun in its own way but ultimately I am not good at anything just. Passable. My writing is okay but it could be better. My drawing is okay but I’m often too tired or in too much pain to work on it. I can make some things by hand but they’re all just. Okay. Not good or great or really noteworthy. Just okay.

And sometimes like now it does make me kinda sad. But it usually passes and this too shall pass cuz when I really think about it it’s like. Well that sucks. But that sure ain’t enough to stop me from being obnoxious on main about these fictional little guys AKDJSKSHSKSHSK. Of course I want other people to like my oc’s and find them interesting but also I like my oc’s very much. Maybe too much. I don’t care they make me incredibly happy. I love them like friends. They don’t exist outside of a fictional space and they don’t really do anything but they still bring me a lot of comfort. I wish I had marketable plushies of my blorbos. I love my oc’s. My friends like my oc’s. I absolutely love my friends’ oc’s. In the end that really is enough. There are still some people who have interest in them too and I am so thankful for them and I’m glad they still care about my silly little dudes like I do. I can’t let go of these things just because they don’t draw as much attention as they used to. They still hold all my attention and they still bring me so much joy. I may be a bit abnormal about them and I don’t write or draw as much as I used to and I kind of just talk about the most random things ever when I do post about them but also I’m having fun and that makes me happy and I think I’m okay with that. This week and these feelings will pass and I’ll continue to fixate on them like it’s my fucking job because they make me happy and that’s reason enough to keep going I think.

[its3oe]

Extremely lengthy post ahead. Proceed with caution. It’s just another one of me talking about why I’ve grown tired with social media and am still working very hard to sever its cord wrapped around my neck. And why you could too. If you wanted. This is going to be the last one though I promise

Obviously I like, don't have a problem with people who do create and consume and all of those other potential modes of interaction with Art and Creation in this way I am about to describe so as to word why I personally find myself unable to subscribe to caring about it. But I figure it's wise enough to give my "I completely understand and respect this and think that's great as long as you're having fun" disclaimer as people on-line are prone to touchiness and upset when faced with this discussion, for whatever number of reasons, that I do not want to draw to myself unnecessarily. But I also find it very relieving and like I can find a little bit of a break from my neuroticisms and extremely slow journey from trying to un-train myself from an obsession with being social media optimized and well-liked and whatever other shit, when, people express similarly their thoughts on creation and consumption and the shrink-wrapping of that process around a very specific mold on the Internet. These sentences are way too fucking long here but I cannot find it in me to rephrase more concisely. Sorry. But. ANYWAYS:

It's quite disheartening to me, often, seeing the internet continuously trend towards like. Being a 10,000 follower fandom/OC artist being the ultimate end-goal. And people within these shrink-molded circles and communities Only consuming this kind of art and that being what Art is immediately to them. Like. I don't know there's something a little sad about it to me. I have found myself over the years (Extremely fucked up in the head guy talking here. Not that anybody's entitled to know how I am but like, there are also plenty of other people with similar -oses and -isms so I'm not worried about vaguely mentioning this to blame Myself a bit more for my situation and not Everyone on the internet because that'd be a stupid thing to say) feeling extremely pressured to conform to the standard of like, cutesy clean art or the Voltron & She-Ra Remake style or (and once more no offense intended to those who enjoy these things) Blorbo Garfield Worm on a String Rotating Fanartist or some combination or mutation thereof those and more. And for quite some time I did try my hardest to squeeze in there somehow before completely breaking down and realizing it was like. Melting my brain and that it's not actually what I wanted to do, it was just what I felt like everybody else expected of me and wanted to see of me. So that's what I did for that huge chunk of my life where I was really just initially learning how to draw and it got a bunch of insane habits jammed directly into my grey matter.

And so, after this realization happened 3 or so years ago I have since been trying to shed these ideas and, more recently, within the past year or so, I've started to see more people crop up with ideas of "Wow! This really sucks dick! I don't want to do this anymore either! I do not want to be a Content Creator or Consumed through this venue of Posts that mean little to nothing in the grand scheme of things, and especially to me personally!" and it's given me a little bit more of a drive to work harder at trying to make the weirder shit I actually want to instead of letting my insane insecurities and other worries get to me. That I am now moving towards circles where I actually see people who think similarly to me. I still have an extremely long way to go but. Obviously some people are content with doing that sort of thing forever and the more power to them, but, other people feeding into that as The Standard has, evidently, sort of fucked me and a number of other people up. My point here is not that everybody has to want to make big personal projects to be Le Real artists because that's divisive for no good reason, but that I truly do want to make comics or films or games (Sorry) or otherwise stories in weird ways that may be hard to understand or consume and take more...Effort. To look at and really absorb. Because that is really always what I have wanted to do with myself and is what sits with me at my core about Creation.

And it's funny, because, like, another huge portion of what's held me back from that is that portions of the internet also insist that you have to have a gorillion followers and 40+ engagement crystals and Patreon money enough to pay rent twice over to have made anything worthwhile. And that's gotten ingrained into me. Like. Fuck when I was a wee 13 years old I was one of those reblogs>likes people before I realized that is also only conducive to people ignoring you even more for devaluing clicking one Acknowledgement button and not the other and also that it doesn't matter anyways. I would still be happier with myself if I were actually able to see one of my tangled up mushy projects spat up into existence and had only 50 followers and one of them decided to check it out and really make an attempt to engage with it over 5000 that only want stuff that looks cute on their blog. I'd be more broke, sure, (Thank you also for 1700 followers and all of my commissioners. I love U.) but. And this really is like, the broke tortured artist corny ultimate thing to say, I would feel more fulfilled as a person. That I did something I wanted to and that That effort was viewed with intent by another.

This is getting really long now So I will leave off with: I have weird shit to make that has things to say and requires a deeper level of engagement than Social Media provides and I am still, really, working incredibly hard to get to a point where I will be able to actually carry it all out. Some of this, at present, is immutable due to circumstances in my life out of my control. But the parts that I actually can change I am choosing to grab with gusto and wring all of the blood out so I can put, um, more blood in. But blood with a sense of purpose and within "blood sweat and tears" as opposed to meaningless hemorrhaging of blood to mean the reasons I create in the first place that have just left me hollow and unsatisfied. And well. If you want to make weird things too and are also sick of social media biting and snapping at anything it can get its teeth in and shaking the life out of it. I less than three you thiiiiiis much. Thumbs up. I'll try to avoid making more posts like this in the future because it really is quite repetitive and I'm aware but I think I'd at least like to have this one up as a summary of why I am so inactive for the past while and what I'm up to. It's the personal demons. And the internet demons. Like from DOOM. My favorite is the Cacodemon.