#I want to be scared and do new things and reinvent myself I don’t fucking know.

[itsalmostavengers]

Okay so this is a bit of a random request for advice but. For those of u who know my situation n the grief and the loss suffered etc etc. Basically I’ve got it in my head that maybe I just need to fucking change my entire life and. Um. join the army reserves? So in the UK the reserves aren’t the fighting unit from what I know they’re just backup, so you get the adventurous/ thrilling training program + you’re called up only if there’s a national crisis like a flood or whatever, and you help your own country you don’t go elsewhere. However up until This Very Point I’ve always been very staunchly against the military as an entire ideal. And so I’m caught between like. This Huge urge to just. Do terrifying things like parachuting etc and really force myself into a training regime or whatever so that I don’t let the ummmmm substance abuse take over my life. But I’m also. Like I hate the military 😭😭 so I’m just really confused and if anyone has any good advice to impart on me. Please do.

[inkmemes]

ryan  ross  lyric sentence  starters ↪  taken  from  various  songs  he’s  written,  lyrics  he’s  sung,  &  poetry  he’s  penned.  trigger  warnings  for  mentions  of  sex,  cheating,  drugs.  alter  as  you  see  fit  ♡

“so close …”

“i am composing a burlesque.”

“i'm all alone in an afterglow.”

“but we haven’t even met yet.”

“this war ain't gonna fix itself.”

“you can’t be lonely.”

“you're gonna have to dig your way out.”

“she was nowhere to be seen.”

“some people never change.”

“i know i broke your heart. mine is broken too.”

“i'm carving pumpkins.”

“i'm afraid that i may have faked it.”

“though you tried to cut me down it wasn’t deep enough.”

“this may call for a proper introduction.”

“i know it’s mad.”

“all the lights are on, but no one's home.”

“a year ago, i was dreaming of where i am now.”

“charm your way out.”

“we're all too small to talk to god.”

“you’re invited.”

“it's not so pleasant.”

“if you're going, then go.”

“i was suspicious and naive.”

“we're still so young, desperate for attention.”

“things have changed for me, and that's okay.”

“that's the spirit.”

“watch your mouth.”

“it started with a simple kiss.”

“don't you move.”

“what a wonderful caricature of intimacy.”

“we'll never go hungry.”

“praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety.”

“i lie in silence and feel like a fool.”

“grab your hat and fetch a camera.”

“your eyes are the size of the moon.”

“it's time for us to take a chance.”

“you should take this heart of mine.”

“how did i get here in the right from wrong?”

“i know it just doesn't feel like a night out.”

“it just made her more interesting.”

“she didn't even see me.”

“do you know what i mean?”

“i'm wrecking this evening already, and loving every minute of it.”

“i sure do make an easy target.”

“someone i love loves someone else.”

“don't bother waiting up.”

“don’t you go down.”

“you vanished when you'd gotten what you came here for.”

“would it be alright if we just sat and talked for a little while?”

"when did he get all confident?"

“you know it will always just be me.”

“i feel the same.”

“all my forgotten poems are a joke.”

“she'd wanna kiss you all the time.”

“i want a big celebration.”

“i'll ignore my heart and lie to the truth.”

“film the world before it happens.”

“that's just ridiculously odd.”

“it grows like fancy flowers.”

“he tried to save the calendar business.”

“i wonder if this was physical or if it could have been in my head.”

“i wouldn't be caught dead in this place.”

“you're pulling the trigger all wrong.”

“i saw you, i met you, i loved you.”

“so let me set you free.”

“i'm aware that you're scared of my heart, but it's here.”

“northern downpour sends its love.”

“you better put that pen to paper.”

“if you're gonna preach, for god sakes, preach with conviction.”

“haven't you heard that i'm the new cancer?”

“i know i broke your heart.”

“i am something velveteen.”

“we're locked inside.”

“just don't put your teeth on me.”

“when i’m good, i’m the baddest.”

“i’m up, looking for you now.”

“you can call me tonight.”

“it sure as hell ain't normal.”

“haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!”

“we sure are in for a show tonight.”

“can't take the kid from the fight.”

“she's got me twisted in love.”

“i could've waited for the train to come.”

“you could love me if i knew how to lie.”

“if it were me, i'd write another song.”

“i fell from the heavens as a fetish.”

“i am renewed.”

“i hope that i've still got your help.”

“take a look at what you got me into.”

“we should feed our jewelry to the sea.”

“who could ask for any more?”

“i'm pouring out my heart for paper.”

“i need to leave you but i never will.”

“i forgot how to call you.”

“just stay where i can see you.”

“it's the greatest thing that's yet to have happened.”

“i’m doing my best.”

“she didn't choose this role.”

“life is not a fairytale.”

“our loneliness will keep us warm.”

“i don't mind taking a photograph.”

“you're gonna bend until it breaks.”

“maybe something in my blood could lift my spirits up.”

“i am out of my mind.”

“imagine knowing me.”

“i hope it's where i belong.”

“is it still me that makes you sweat?”

“your speech is slurred enough that you just might swallow your tongue.”

“i must be lucky to have you be the one who loves me.”

“but who could love me?”

“you clicked your heels and wished for me.”

“give me your attention.”

“you set the house on fire.”

"man, it feels good to feel this way."

“i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck then any boy you'll ever meet.”

“if the clouds were singing a song, i'd sing along. wouldn't you, too?”

“i know i've been wrong.”

“kissed a girl in the lobby ‘cause she asked so politely.”

“i can't get out by myself.”

“true love like ours is worth so much more than a diamond ring.”

“it never made her happy, 'cause she couldn't ever have me.”

“i do drunk dialing minus the alcohol.”

“i hope to god he was worth it.”

“he looked like he was barely hanging on.”

“why do i find myself outside at your window in the night?”

“i'd put a statue of myself upon the shelf.”

“they spill unfound from a pretty mouth.”

“ i'm going to need you to keep time.”

“you better back your shit up.”

“i think i owe it to you to try to be every hallucination you see in me.”

“you do this all the time."

“you're not what he's thinking of when he's with the other girl.”

things have changed for me.”

“this was no accident.”

“it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.”

“just sit back and relax.”

“i, for one, won't stand for this.”

“we play by donner party rules at all times.”

“the glitter is gone.”

“boys will be boys.”

“you're all that's left for me.”

“my mind is all mixed up.”

“who knew that love was a dangerous drug?”

“'she couldn't ever have me.”

“isn't this exactly where you'd like me?”

“we can play normal for a few days.”

“i ground my teeth and you bite your tongue.”

“in case i lost my train of thought where was it that we last left off?”

“it seems i’m someone i've never met.”

“i think i made you up.”

“it never gave a damn about me.”

“perhaps, i was born with curiosity, the likes of those of old crows.”

“i'm cold, i'm hungry, but i'm bored.”

“i don't want no gifts.”

“the monster mash is playing.”

“do you really even live here?”

“this kind of thing always happens.”

“you were right. i was wrong, like i always am.”

“i missed your skin when you were east.”

“i feel as if i’m a figurine.”

“every night is the same.”

“ i'm sure i didn't ruin her.”

“i could have sworn we danced slow before.”

“i'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's pa.”

“it's nice to think that you are always wanted.”

“am i who you think about in bed?”

“you'll never know until you're there.”

“come on, this is screaming ‘photo op’.”

“you and i will always be ‘the dream’.”

“any practiced catholic would cross themselves upon entering.”

“it was a scream when we were young and dumb.”

“i know i should've never left.”

“who can i believe?”

“she always had her fangs at my jugular vein.”

“and a few more of your least favorite things.”

“in matters of opinion, love has gone insane.”

“if i go to hell will you come with me or just leave?”

“in the house of mirrors, ain't nothing keep you safe.”

“you know that you feel it too.”

“now we're making some progress.”

“god damn, i’d hate to see what i’d do under the influence.”

“i’m only reflecting your perfections.”

“just a first kiss to face the new year.”

“we’ll sit in silence.”

“you're a regular decorated emergency.”

“euphoria is a risk on the floor.”

“she could never win me.”

“love is all i'm really after.”

“have some composure,.”

“this was a therapeutic chain of events.”

“on the hotel floor, drinking warm champagne.”

“we need to talk.”

“every word gets you a step closer to hell.”

“let me help you please.”

“i never said i missed her when everybody kissed her.”

“now i know it's just a matter of time until i make her come.”

“if the world were ending, would you kiss me or just leave me?”

“forgive me if i’m not quite ready to give them to you.”

“i want to know what everyone knows.”

“you told me not to fear the dark.”

“the weather is impeccable.”

“i don't love you, i'm just passing the time.”

“i can't help but to hear an exchanging of words.”

“love is established philosophy.”

“but it might’ve been the calm that comes before the storm.”

“let's sing it like you mean it.”

“there's a devil in the corner.”

“there’s never anything good on tv.”

“everything goes according to plan.”

“i ran from love like it was laced.”

“i guess we're back to us.”

“we can't help ourselves.”

“i remember fuckin' in the falling rain.”

“i wasn't born to be a skeleton.”

“i couldn't quit her.”

“everything's gone missing.”

“we must reinvent love.”

“i know it's sad that i never gave a damn about the weather.”

“what do i know?”

"the best part about you was me."

“check the pocket of my leather jacket.”

“i am truly made of one million glowing constellations.”

“i mean, technically our marriage is saved.”

“she's a dangerous place.”

“even the truth is wrong sometimes.”

“was it god who chokes in these situations?”

“i feel like something on strings.”

“she couldn't ever catch me.”

“i try not to think about it and you.”

“i know it's just a matter of time.”

“i can't prove this makes any sense, but i sure hope that it does.”

“you know you should take it a day at a time.”

“i never said i’d leave the city.”

“it's the greatest thing you'd ever imagine.”

“i might have lost control.”

“i'm in a rut but still adored.”

“i'll keep my distance.”

“i need to take a vacation.”

“it's almost halloween.”

“is it a fairy tale?”

“well, this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne.”

“you can't stand it.”

“i'm exactly where you'd like me, you know.”

“we were always thick as thieves, you and me.”

“maybe i will, maybe i won’t.”

“all i want to do is dig a hole with you.”

“stop stalling.”

“it truly is enough to be alive and be in love.”

“i can't believe my eyes.”

“if i were to die tonight, would you cry, or deny my place in your life?”

“you are at the top of my lungs.”

“things do like to build up and fall apart at the same time for me.”

“why can't we just be friends?"

“i never know where the evening goes.”

“i want to go where everyone feels the same.”

“i fell in love again.”

“all i do is lie.”

“they asked for it.”

“was it all a dream?”

“all your wishes, they will sink like stones.”

“i wandered through the sunshine.”

“living even one minute without you is a moment i'd rather not have to live to see.”

“i want to go where everyone goes.”

“i think that i have had enough.”

“asked to be her husband; she already had one in prison.”

“true love is scarce.”

“somehow it still came undone.”

“things are shaping up to be pretty odd.”

“is ‘young’ a word for ‘dumb’; a word for ‘fun’?”

“said i'd let you keep it forever.”

“i never said i’d leave this town.”

“guess i'm going to a party.”

“damn, this is rough.”

“someone should have told her that pretty ain't a job.”

“something changed along the way.”

“i can't convince myself that you were good for more than cheap thrills.”

“now i’m the only one to blame.”

“let's not get selfish.”

“i hardly knew a thing about you.”

“give your feet a chance, they'll do all the thinking.”

“make a name for yourself.”

“it's useless searching in the cupboards.”

“i won't cut my beard and i won't change my hair.”

“it’s just the end of the world.”

“back to the room where it all began.”

“what was it that you put into my guts?”

“what a shame.”

“we'll leave the past out to pasture.”

“i know the world’s a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home.”

“everybody knows it but you.”

“it looks like the end of history as we know.”

[goodnightmemes]

DEXTER SEASON ONE SENTENCE STARTERS

❛ You're mine now, so do exactly as I say. ❜

❛ Open your eyes and look at what you did! ❜

❛ I'm a very neat monster. ❜

❛ Pretty fucking please with cheese on top. ❜

❛ You have a morbid sense of fun. ❜

❛ What happened changed something inside you. ❜

❛ If God is in the details, and if I believed in God, then he's in this room with me. ❜

❛ I can kill a man, dismember his body, and be home in time for "Letterman." But knowing what to say when my girlfriend's feeling insecure...I'm totally lost. ❜

❛ Neither you nor I is in complete control of our destinies. ❜

❛ There are no secrets in life, just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface. ❜

❛ Keeping my face pinched in sorrow for two hours straight is a real chore. ❜

❛ A whole life reduced to ashes. ❜

❛ I can't help it. I kill things. ❜

❛ When you take a man's life, you're not just killing him, you're snuffing out all the things he'll ever become. ❜

❛ Killing must serve a purpose. Otherwise it's murder. ❜

❛ You don't play by the rules. Why should I? ❜

❛ If I had a heart, it might be breaking right now. ❜

❛ I'm all for sending the message, but this ain't the way. ❜

❛ Scream and lose a tongue. ❜

❛ Death isn't the end. It's the beginning of a chain reaction that will catch you if you're not careful. ❜

❛ If I let someone get that close, they'd see who I really am, and I can't let that happen. ❜

❛ I like it here with you. You're the only person people hate more than me. ❜

❛ Sometimes, I'm not sure where _____'s vision of me ends and the real me starts. ❜

❛ Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. ❜

❛ So I'm neither man nor beast. I'm something new entirely, with my own set of rules. ❜

❛ Stop grinning like a fucking psycho and get back to work. ❜

❛ Freedom's just another word for one more way to get fucked. ❜

❛ Maybe you should just learn the basics before you reinvent the damn wheel. ❜

❛ The problem with acting normal is normal people get into stupid situations like this. ❜

❛ Maybe if I don't blink, my eyes will tear up. ❜

❛ Under normal circumstances, I'd take that as a compliment. ❜

❛ Keeping the truth from the people closest to you is how you'll survive, and how you'll protect them if anything goes wrong. ❜

❛ Every time something goes a little bit right, something like this happens. ❜

❛ God, I feel like I need a shower just looking at this douche bag. ❜

❛ ____ will forgive me eventually. That's who she is - bighearted, kind, nothing like me. ❜

❛ The only sound I hear, the only sound in the entire world...is my heart beating. ❜

❛ I swear, after this case, I'm submitting your ass for psychiatric evaluation. ❜

❛ We hit the motherfucking mother lode. ❜

❛ When did you first notice it? This darkness inside the guy you fell for. ❜

❛ God, this is such a mess, and I've dragged you into it. ❜

❛ Just let me grab my heart up off the fucking floor. ❜

❛ Goddamn, you are fine when you're mad. ❜

❛ Fascination with serial killers is an American pastime. ❜

❛ All the expectations I had, all the promises of greatness, wiped out. ❜

❛ My circle of friends is down to one. ❜

❛ Don't kill anyone who doesn't deserve to die. ❜

❛ I'm empty...but I found a way to make it feel less bottomless. ❜

❛ You pretend the feelings are there for the world, and for the people around you. Who knows? Maybe one day they will be. ❜

❛ I always prided myself on being an outsider, but now, I feel the need to connect with someone. ❜

❛ Why do bloodstains always look like crustaceans to you? ❜

❛ To some people, death makes perfect sense. Life - now, that's the puzzle. ❜

❛ This is the only way I know how to keep you out of an electric chair. ❜

❛ It feels like... I hate saying this. It sounds so fucking cheesy. It feels like making love. ❜

❛ I do have another motive. It's called a paycheck. ❜

❛ For the first time in a long while, I saw how easy it would be for me to fall back into my old life. ❜

❛ I guess this matters to me. So if I talk about it and it goes away, I'm actually losing something. ❜

❛ There must have been a time in your life when you felt powerless. ❜

❛ I'm gonna tell you something that I've never told anyone before. I'm a serial killer. ❜

❛ You're awake. Shall we analyze your dreams? ❜

❛ Trauma can distort the memory. ❜

❛ Well, thanks for the vote of fucking confidence. ❜

❛ Death is the great unifier. ❜

❛ My fingerprints were all over it. I figured it was prudent to get rid of the evidence. ❜

❛ I know I should be sorry that we met under these circumstances, but truthfully, I think it was the best way to get to know you. ❜

❛ My concrete foundation is turning to shifting sand. ❜

❛ Something finally got to you. I guess you're human after all. ❜

❛ You can talk to me, you know? Just got to open your mouth and move it. ❜

❛ I can always see other people's problems more clearly than my own. ❜

❛ What'd the freak do this time, boil your goldfish? ❜

❛ Thanks, but unless you know an expert in repressed memories… ❜

❛ You are all the family that I have, and I barely know you. ❜

❛ How often does someone get a chance to help catch a bad guy, huh? ❜

❛ You've been a problem. It's time for you to go away. ❜

❛ So, this is doom. I've been the architect of so much of it. It's only fair I should know what all the fuss is all about. ❜

❛ Don't you dare! Not in front of my baby! ❜

❛ Close your eyes, _____. ❜

❛ I've never had much use for the concept of hell, but if hell exists, I'm in it. ❜

❛ It climbed inside me that day, and it's been with me ever since -- My dark passenger.

❛ Don't struggle. That never helps. ❜

❛ I'm compressing your carotid artery, and that is cutting off oxygen to your brain. In about 10 seconds, you'll be unconscious. ❜

❛ Does that make you feel anything? Anything at all? ❜

❛ If I'd have known that this would get you back in the same room with me, I would have gotten stabbed sooner. ❜

❛ I put myself out there. I set myself up to get hurt. ❜

❛ No wonder I felt so disconnected my entire life. If I did have emotions, I'd have to feel...this. ❜

❛ You're not a parent. You don't understand. You do anything to protect your kids. ❜

❛ It's who you know and who you blow. ❜

❛ If you came for an apology, you wasted a tank of gas. ❜

❛ I mean, a real hour, not one of your "let's stretch this out till 2:00 a.m. you might as well stay and have sex" hours. ❜

❛ I don't often make mistakes, but when I do, they haunt me. ❜

❛ So desperate to fall in love. ❜

❛ I've lived in darkness a long time. Over the years, my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see. ❜

❛ Surprise, motherfucker. ❜

❛ Spin me a story, asshole. ❜

❛ This is not the way I envisioned our family reunion. ❜

❛ You don't ever have to apologize to me. Not for who you are or anything you do. ❜

❛ Imagine how I felt when I tracked you down and found out you were exactly like me. ❜

❛ You can be yourself with me. Your real, genuine self. ❜

❛ You can't be a killer and a hero. It doesn't work that way! ❜

❛ I was so scared. I was so scared. ❜

❛ What am I, one of your victims now? ❜

❛ You should know this isn't easy for me. ❜

❛ You're the only one I ever wanted to set free. ❜

❛ Sorry. I can't hear any more...'cause you're right. ❜

❛ My devil danced with his demon, and the fiddler's tune isn't over. ❜

❛ I wonder what it would be like for everything inside me that's denied and unknown to be revealed. ❜

❛ This is what it must feel like to walk in full sunlight, my darkness revealed, my shadow self embraced. ❜

[michyreadsthenwrites]

Plain Bad Heroines - Let Me Give You My Thoughts On This (Character Analysis)

**major maaaaajor spoilers ahead**

(Here we begin with the handful of characters from Danforth’s sophomore novel that have found their way into my heart and apparently, this Word document. It didn’t hurt that they were all women that love women. And I mean, they really loved women.)

 ·   Merritt Emmons is easily my favorite character. She’s got that dry, sarcastic humor and air around her that makes it really easy to love her and hate her guts all at the same time. (If she were here, she’d tell us that this was a talent, not a flaw.) I felt personally affronted when characters in PBH didn’t like Merritt, like they were overlooking the diamond in the rough right in front of their faces. Then, like most things, it became pretty clear: Merritt Emmons could be one hell of a bitch at times. But it really only made me love her more. I realized that I identified with her. Yes, about being a queer woman that really fucking loves other women, but also because she was a writer that wanted her writing to stay true to how she wrote it, especially with so many people traipsing all over it and trying to make it into something it’s not. That was where I realized I loved her early on; when she pitched a genuine fit over who was to play Clara Broward. It was something so petty and childish, something so very me to throw a fit in a packed room of professionals when you have no idea about that kind of world and what it demands. But she fought for what she believed in, alright. Until she didn’t. This made me love her some more, incidentally. We got to see Merritt’s character development throughout the novel, and more specifically, we got to watch her bounce back and forth between the person she was too scared to be but wanted more than she could ever admit, and the person she spent twenty long years being; the person she was oh-so-tired of introducing to people. This constant shift between new-Merritt and old, crabby, prickly-Merritt was a very raw and vulnerable thing for us to experience as an audience. Merritt was certainly a lot more refreshing than every one of the overdone-Hollywood-types we became acquainted with within the book. She was mean and arrogant and wildly insecure, yet somehow confident and sure of herself, when it came to her work or her knowledge or anything that had to do with any book written, ever. A walking paradox, that one. Merritt was a good way to remember that real people, not built-and-put-together-by-Hollywood-people don’t always have their shit together, and they can’t always get it together by the end of a novel, albeit a long, six-hundred-page one. I think I’ll cut myself off here, friends. Not that I want to, but I feel we have a lot to get to in these pages, and Merritt Emmons can’t be the star of all of them (lord knows I’d let her, though). To sum it up: Merritt Emmons was the star of this book, for me at least. And I hope for you too. (This means go get your ass over to your closest B&N and buy the damn thing).

  ·   Harper Harper is somewhat of a mystery to me. She was a major character in the story, as well as one of our three protagonists, our three heroines, and yet I have trouble finding her as authentic and outlandish as she tries to come across. What I’m still having trouble deciphering is if this is an intentional character flaw created by our Miss Danforth, or if Harper Harper really has nothing to her besides being completely reinvented and marketed by Hollywood. Even in saying this, I know I have to give Harper credit where it’s due. She’s a proud queer woman in the movie industry, as well as openly queer online and really with just anyone and everyone she meets. She’s known for various flings and love-interests of the week, which is still a gross misrepresentation and stereotype of (masc?) lesbians and how they’re emotionally unavailable and unfaithful, which again is a possibility of the author’s intentional writing, something that we can leave for further discussion. We do get a bit of a glimpse into Harper’s life – her real-life – about how her mother is struggling with her sobriety, how her little brother seems to be caught in the middle of her mother’s messy relationships, and how she really has mixed feelings about how she fits into her new movie-star life. That’s about all we get from Harper, though. And it really is almost enough realness to take away from the fact that everyone else in the world sees Harper as the face of Hollywood, as this thing of beauty and money and badassery instead of a real person. But still not enough. And I could be wrong, friends. I could be pulling all of this out of my ass because Harper Harper is a badass queer woman that took over the movie industry with barely any experience under her belt. Harper Harper took every room she walked into by storm, and she made everybody pay attention to her, and she became the character we had a little crush on, simply because she was that big of a deal. But nothing of substance, not really. Not ever. But perhaps she had been her most real self with Merritt Emmons, in between the quiet pages that we didn’t get to read entirely. Merritt, our dry and arrogant and favorite heroine, had been Harper’s favorite, too. The most credit that I find myself giving Harper is her aid in Merritt’s character development. She brought Merritt out of her shell in a massive way, though at times she did have a hand in driving her back into the said shell. It was flawed, their relationship, which is another authentic Harper Harper insight we saw, as little of it there was. They were hot and cold, on and off, but always so enthralled with each other. And while Harper seemed to have had an impact on Merritt (among other factors), it doesn’t seem like Merritt had the same effect on Harper. I could be wrong and do feel free to correct me, friends, but Harper Harper did not come out the other end of PBH a changed woman. She was not burdened with the weight of a life-changing revelation. She was Harper Harper, as she always was, floating and untouchable, the kind of woman you wished to know, maybe to be, but also the kind you see right through. They’re transparent, friends, that’s what I’m trying to get at here. And they tend to stay that way. And I realize as I’m nearing the end of this, that I sound harsh in my critiques and analysis of Harper. I don’t mean to come off that way, friends, I really don’t. The truth is I love Harper, she’s everything we wish we could be. She’s gorgeous and sought after, can land any girl she wants with the bat of her eyelashes and a lazy smile. But you have to remember, she’s everything we’re not. I can only speak for myself, friends, and I encourage you to speak for yourselves if you find you have anything to add. I never related with Harper the way I did with Merritt’s character, but that doesn’t mean that Harper isn’t a beautiful enigma waiting to be unwrapped. I just don’t happen to be the kind of reader that would know where to begin unwrapping her, if that makes sense. And because I’m afraid it doesn’t, I do believe it’s time to stop with the metaphors and wrap this up nicely for you, friends: Harper Harper is number two on my list of favorite characters from PBH, and that is not something done lightly or by accident. She was one of our three heroines, after all. And a proper heroine she was, friends. Don’t you ever forget it.

  ·   Libbie Packard broke my heart more times than I count, friends. You’ll notice I have kept her maiden name, then. This is intentional, friends, for our Libbie never wanted to be a Brookhants, not really. It wasn’t towards the end of PBH that we learned much of what we now know about Libbie, and how it came about that she had been married (to a man no less!), as well as the very young principal of an all-girls school. Throughout their chapters in the book, Libbie and Alex, her Alex, were seemingly at each other’s throats constantly. There seemed to be a mysterious tension that we as an audience weren’t privy to – but it didn’t stop us from speculating. I found myself drawn to Libbie more than I did her counterpart, and I still can’t point my finger as to why. Libbie seemed sad, right from our first introduction, and Alex always seemed angry and cynical (as a queer woman in 1902, is there any other way to seem?). This might serve as a dual character analysis yet, friends. I’m not sure how much I’ll have to say about our Alexandra Trills, but Libbie Packard deserves a long sentence, or two. You know when something finally clicks into place and you can’t help but just let out a long “ooohhhhhhh”? That’s a recreation of how I looked when I read the explanation of how Libbie Packard became Libbie Brookhants. Learning that she had become pregnant with a baby she didn’t want was mind-blowing enough, and it filled in the blanks of how young, gorgeous Libbie had become the wife of a rich, old, old man. Libbie gave up her child was because she didn’t want to be a mother, and she had originally rejected Harold Brookhants offer of marriage because she didn’t want to be a wife, regardless of false the marriage was. And for a while, Libbie’s new life was amazing; she got to live with her Alex in a beautiful house and became the principal of a promising school. This was the life she’d always wanted. Or was that just what we wanted to believe, friends? Only at the end did we learn that Libbie had rejected Harold Brookhants offer (to live a quiet, queer life with her lover and without the child she clearly didn’t want) because she didn’t want to be tied down; not to Harold, not to anyone. If you think about it, friends, this was exactly the life that she had been living for years to come now. The tension with Alex had much to do with the circumstances surrounding them at Brookhants and the evil that was unfolding before them, but it seemingly had even more to do with the fact that Libbie Packard felt smothered. She was hiding secrets from Alex, secrets that she felt could destroy this already fragile relationship that they had between them. How vastly different it was to read and experience their relationship at the beginning of their love; playful and full of joy, both women giddy with the promise of something new and exciting. To compare that kind of love to the broken, tight-lipped, empty vessel of the relationship they now pretend to have is heartbreaking. And yet, completely understandable. Alex had fallen in love with the Libbie she wanted her to be, not the Libbie she was. Our Libbie wanted to be eternally young; playful and happy, bouncing from city to city with Sara Dahlgren in a sea of eligible bachelors (and bachelorettes!). It was almost a shock to discover that this life Libbie tried so hard to defend and protect was not a life she had ever wanted for herself. Despite this, she loved her Alex and her students, and devoted her life to them. There was that whole business with cheating on Alex with Adelaide the housemaid (don’t even get me started on that broad) but I’d like to extend to you, friends, the fact that I won’t comment on this. Queer relationships in 1902 are definitely not what they are now, complete with century-old curses and dead schoolgirls. Libbie Packard became the 1902-lesbian-headmistress version of our stereotypical bored housewife, stuck in a marriage that she secretly wishes she could be free from. And my heart broke for her, friends, it really did. But she was a heroine all on her own. A deeply intelligent and remarkable woman. Make no mistake, friends. Libbie Packard and Libbie Brookhants differ by more than just a surname. Our young, vivacious Libbie disappeared the moment she accepted Harold Brookhants’ offer, and this is indeed the sad truth of it, friends: Libbie Packard was gone before she could ever find herself. But Libbie Brookhants was our gorgeous, brilliant, queer heroine that never got what she deserved. So, friends, let’s all have a moment of silence for our dearly departed Libbie Brookhants… wherever she is.

·   Alexandra Trills is a character that I don’t know where to begin with. Her end is not one that I saw coming, at least not in the gruesome and deranged circumstances that came to surround it. Or maybe, friends, I just didn’t want to acknowledge the clear downwards spiral that our Miss Trills had seemed to be heading towards. Her steadfast and growing obsession with the death of Florence Hartshorn and Clara Broward was apparent in every page we turned, and the following death of Eleanor Faderman did not aid in absolving Alex of her obsession with the one, single copy of a book they had all possessed at one point: The Story of Mary McLane. Alex grew hysterical in her investigation of the novel and whatever evil she believed it had brought to the students of her school. I remember feeling a bit hysterical myself at times, following along with Alex’s scrambled train of thought that never seemed to find a place to stop. She was right, you know, my friends. And now what does she have to show for it? A gruesome death and an eternity of haunting the same grounds, day in and day out? I may not have liked her, and felt like she had been the reason Libbie was so unhappy and stuck in a life that she did not want, but the way Alex’s story had ended really did take me by surprise and break my heart. She deserved a better ending than what she got; she deserved to reconcile and fix her strained relationship with Libbie. Damn it, they deserved to live quiet, happy lives with each other. Neither of them got the endings that they deserved, and God, did they deserve plenty. This, friends, is the hill I choose to die on tonight.

 Alright, friends, this is it for my character analysis of Emily Danforth’s Plain Bad Heroines! I have a special place in my heart for book characters that you can relate with (or characters that just really make you love them). The way that Emily Danforth brought our heroines to life was remarkable and highly impressive (I say this because it’s decidedly been a while since any book character(s) have weaseled their fictional way into my little heart). It’s rare that I give a book five stars (check out my Goodreads reviews) (oh god, please don’t), and yet halfway through PBH, I knew that this book deserved it. Good book characters are the ones that stick with you long after you’ve closed the book on them, and our heroines are stuck with me. And believe me, friends, I’m certainly not complaining. 

[auswriteforyou]

Undeserving. (Ethan Choi, Chicago Med)

It was burned into her brain. Medically speaking, she knew that was impossible. She knew memories were less medical and more mental. Maybe she should schedule an appointment with Dr. Charles. Maybe he could get the memory of her husband having sex with April in an exam room on the 4th floor while she was doing life-saving surgery down the hall out of her head.

She understood the location choice. It was rarely used, the only time they made it up there was when no other bay was available. She had left the room feeling incredible. It was a difficult situation, one that required far too much attention and far too little preparation was given but it had come out with the best possible outcome. She wanted to find Ethan immediately, tell him what she’d accomplished and about the patient she’d grown close to in this process. She didn’t expect to find him in the exam room she heard a crash come from.

She had figured it was just a patient having wondered from their room but no. It was such a nightmare that she had no reaction to it at all. The scramble of them untangling, the sound of scrubs being pulled on and apologies falling on empty ears.

She filed the divorce papers the next day. She put in her transfer request that afternoon. He refused to sign them. Imagine that. He was unfaithful for months, treated her like a stranger for months, literally had sex with her best friend and now he won’t sign the damn paperwork. And here she was, almost a year later of talking only through an attorney from her very expensive law firm in New York because she didn’t even want to hear his voice.

But she was tired of wasting money and her efforts on getting someone as stubborn as him to do anything without getting what he wanted first. She pulled on her big girl pants this morning and decided that today was a good day for a whole lot of baggage. She boarded her plane, she landed, she came straight to the hospital and she was Pissed. The week long vacation she had been planning to Bermuda had been interrupted for this.

“No way.” Will Halstead greeted her at the door, eyes bright and smile shiny. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Do I look that bad?” She smiled, knowing damn well she looked like a four course meal. She’d used this year to become someone she was proud to recognize, to grow the pain and assert herself in ways she never dreamed she would. She was a chairwoman on more boards than she could count. Lead cardiologist in the most sought after position in the most sought after hospital in the world. She knew who she was, she was sure of it.

“Honestly, you’re smoking hot.” He knew how to make a girl feel special. “Do I wanna know why you’re here? You looked like you were about to walk through the walls.”

She held up the file folder, a grimace on her face and he didn’t need any more context clues. They’d all heard the stories, how the papers got served to him in the middle of a surgery and the refusal to sign or send them back on his part. It was annoying honestly.

“Help a girl out, where might I find him?”

“Surgery Room 1.” Oh, good. He wouldn’t be able to run away.

The gallery was almost full, apparently a good surgery in their books. Thankfully, she’d timed it just right that they were beginning to close. She greeted her old coworkers, offering quick hellos and we’ll catch ups because she was always a business first kind of lady.

Ethan stepped more into view and that flutter she remembered from the first time they met flew into her chest. Had he managed to get more attractive? Her finger pressed the intercom. She cleared her throat.

“Ethan, if you don’t sign these papers you’re going to be the one who needs to be sewn up.” His head snapped at the speed of light to her in the gallery. She could tell it took him a minute to recognize her, or to make sure she was actually there. Could have been a mixture of both.

“Darling?” She rolled her eyes, waving the papers at him.

“Meet me at my car when you’re done. Bring a pen.”

He did not, in fact, bring a pen. He barely found her because he wasn’t expecting the Lamborghini rental car. He climbed into the passenger seat, eyes  never leaving her face. It was kind of creepy.

“How have you been?” She snorted.

“A year of putting me through the political ringer and that’s what you start with?” She tossed the papers in his lap, trying not to let him see the hurt she still had lingering in her eyes. “Sign these. Please.”

“Talk to me.” He was quick to rebuttal. “Please. Let’s just have one conversation. I’ve spoken to no one but your lawyer for months.”

“Exactly Ethan,” He cringed at the lack of nickname, “I didn’t think I had to spell it out how much I didn’t want to talk with you.”

“Please.” He knew he had no right to ask her for anything but she was here on a mission. She wasn’t leaving without a resolution. “How have you been?”

“I’m head of Cardiology in New York, I have a dog, I bought a new car and recently found out I am allergic to fish. How’s April?” That was a low blow. She knew it, he knew it but she traveled far too many miles to not get her little jabs in.

“She moved away, I don’t know where she is. I haven’t seen her since that day.” At least he was honest. She used to pride herself on being able to tell when he was lying but after all that, she didn’t know what she knew.

“Awesome, glad to know it was all for nothing. Now that we’re all caught up, sign them.”

“No.”

“Ethan, the next option is to have it annulled by the court in which they give me half of everything you have.”

“You were the only thing I had that ever mattered.” She felt her mouth drop open, felt like he had slapped her in the face.

“You’re kidding right? That’s how you treat the most important thing in your life then? I’d hate to be the things you hate. Honestly, fuck that.”

“I fucked up, I take full responsibility. I won’t gaslight, I won’t say you did anything wrong because you didn’t. I was weak, I was the one who sought out something new because I was afraid of my own insecurities as a man, as a husband. I thought I would never be good enough for you and I set out to prove it. It’s not that you made me feel that way or made me feel like I should be more, I just convinced myself I wasn’t.”

It was silent for a long moment, the damage between them beginning to sew itself back up because, for once, he was opening up to her.

“I fought tooth and nail for us, from dating to engagement to marriage. I fought for you when your brain fought against you. I fought for you when you couldn’t fight for yourself. And at the first sign of me healing myself, of me choosing myself for once, you ran off with my best friend because you both felt insecure about things out of anyone’s control.”

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. That’s the worst part. It’s the worst part because I took all the respect, all the trust, love, compassion you gave me and stomped on it. I treated you with such disregard and disrespect that it makes me sick and darling,” She looked at him for the first time since they decided to open up, “I am truly sorry.”

She stared at him for a long moment, the anger from earlier finding a lighter lull in her chest as she searched for any sign of a lie. She’d reinvented herself, made herself stronger through becoming who she had always wanted to be. He had reinvented himself by realizing where his mistakes were and how to better himself to be who he wanted, needed to be. She wondered for a moment if he was coming to the same realization as her. They weren’t the same people they had been. They had grown, sprouted leaves and vines and built themselves up from the roots.

“I forgive you.” Out of all the things to come out of her mouth, neither of them expected that.

“What does that mean?” His voice was almost a whisper, his fingers that had saved many lives toying with the edges of the file folder.

“It means we talk,” She took the folder from him, tossing it into the backseat without care. “And we figure out what this means, we don’t lie to each other and we try. Both of us this time. I can’t float this relationship, whatever it is or is not, we have to be on the same page.”

He looked at her like she’d put the stars in the sky, sewn him up with the tidal waves and took them to the moon. She wondered if he’d keep looking at her like that. It didn’t scare her to think that he would. They didn’t kiss, they didn’t jump into each others arms and scream at the top of their lungs about love and happiness. They let their pinkies brush over the console, their hearts and minds race at the thought of whats to be built and allowed themselves to begin to grow, with each other.

--

it’s been a hot minute but my fingers started tapping and that was that! This was a request from an Anon that I was happy to fill. I hope you enjoy, I apologize for the wait. It’s also been a LOOOOOOng time since watching the show, I don’t have any plot lines. I don’t even know who is still on it, hopefully I was vague enough to not deviate too far off script. (also I didn’t get to proofread this, I'm sorry). Thank you for requesting and happy new year!

[river-bottom-nightmare]

[New draft]

I’m finally getting hitched Tying The Knot Official Words

Wedding Vows

by roy harper, putting the laughter in manslaughter since 1983

A couple years ago, you asked me why I loved you, and I said “I-I don’t know.” Except you weren’t really happy with that answer, I could tell, so I tried to put it into nicer words. I mean, I’ve loved a lot of people in my life, or at least I thought I did. Look how that turned out. And, you know, I kind of write them off when they leave me, or when I leave them, because obviously that means it couldn’t have been love in the first place. But then I know that’s a big fat fucking lie because I still remember all of them, still remember exactly how it felt to tumble head over heels. So maybe they reason they stayed with me forever, despite one of us leaving, has to do with them and not me? And I was about halfway through this awful explanation when Dick gave us a call, told us that dealer we were tracking had just put his dirty little hands in Bludhaven, so we went to go deal with that. 

Both of us were glad that conversation was over, and I’m pretty sure you forgot all about it. But I didn’t. I never forgot about it, and I realized I never really answered your question. So, here goes.

I mean, I thought I was so smart when you met me. Sure, I was at my absolute lowest. But I was 25 and reckless, and the heroin had me feeling like a real person for the first time, you know? A human being, with the kind of secrets a grown-up kept, telling the kind of lies grown-ups told. And I thought I loved the way grown-ups loved. Always on the move, always leaving. Because it was either leave or get left. And I thought that was love. And I thought that was a brilliant idea. I was all dark and tough and had this tragic backstory, and I thought I was fucking irresistible, but only for a night. I thought I was fucking irresistible for a night, and after that I wasn’t worth shit.  

Now, I’m looking back at 25 year old me and the only thought going through my head was, what an asshole. Just, everything about me was supremely dickish. But most of all, it was the way I treated relationships. Do you remember that time you, me, and Kori went to that carnival? And Kori won that strength competition and we got free cotton candy? And I just gorged myself on candy floss, man. I was worse that Wally used to be, back in the day. And then we went on all those carnival rides and I thought to myself, I’d be fine. I run around jumping off rooftops with grappling arrows, and I used to practice marital arts with Dick Grayson. Motion sickness doesn’t happen to me. And then like half an hour later I was puking my guts out and you stood there and laughed at me? That. That’s how I treated love. I gobbled up everything I could get, and it was way more than I could handle, and then I’d throw it all up and run away. 

I’m not 25 anymore, but it feels like I’m still running. Except I can’t get away with what I used to do, ‘cause Kori can hear my fucking heartbeat and you check my arms for track marks all the time and Dick bribed his way into being my second emergency contact after you. So I hide away in my room and sort of melt onto my sofa. But not the good melting, like the way I melt into your mouth like you snipped all my strings. The gross kind of melting where I’m curled up onto the couch and I just wanna hack all my hair off with a knife and it feels like my brain is leaking all over the sofa and I know you killed most of my old dealers but I wanna bring them back to life because just one more hit, I just need one more hit, and I wanna drink myself into a rage but you locked away all the alcohol with a bat-lock that even I can’t break. Figures. It’s funny. You’ll shoot yourself in the neck before you go to Bruce for anything, but if it’s for me, you’ll swallow your pride in a second and get whatever the hell you need. 

I guess I’m just scared. I’m scared that I’m imaginary. I’m scared I’ll always end up reinventing myself every day to spare other people the trouble of having to do that for me. That what I want everyone to see always takes precedent to who I really am. I’m scared that I’ve finally lost it, that I’m crazy, that I’ve finally gone mad. But I’m even more scared that I’m perfectly sane. Because if I’m sane, then what excuse do I have? What excuse do I have for treating people the way I do, like they’re problems that I have to solve or explain or else I’ll just fall behind everyone else.

And that’s where you come in. Fuck, Jay. That’s, that’s when you came in.

I tried to word vomit that last part to you one night when you thought I was drunk and I thought you were drunk but neither of us had had a drop, and we hid behind the curtain of alcohol to have a heart to heart. And you told me people don’t have to be solved or explained. We’re all just ghost stories, and maybe we should just try to stay that way. Because we spend our days doing wonderful things, horrible things, and sometimes there’s no reason behind it. Or, wait, fuck, no. There is a reason. But that reason’s too simple and too straightforward to really be satisfying, you know? And then we keep forgetting the lesson that we learned and re-mystifying these problems that we already solved because deep down we don’t actually want to figure out why we love each other but hurt each other and-

Fuck. Sorry, Jaybird. This was supposed to be a simple answer to a simple question.

I think. Um. No, I don’t think. I know. I know I love you because I have to.

There’s no “why” about it. Any more than there’s a reason why Kori loves the dew drops that gather in the morning grass, or why that old hag in the apartment next to us can’t keep a plant alive for the life of her. I mean, I guess there is a reason. There’s always a reason, there’s always a “why.” I don’t really understand it, though. And you know how much that bothers me, you gotta know how much I hate that. Maybe if I dug around in myself for a bit, really thought some stuff through, talked to some people I thought I was done talking to, I’d figure it out. I’d figure out where all this love comes from. What it’s for.

But then the question would be answered. Why do I love you? Boom, I’d have an explanation. The ghost story would be over. And there’s really no point in telling a ghost story that has an ending, all nice and neat and wrapped up in a little package.

Right now, I think I’m finally at a place where I can just let it be. It’s just you and me. Me sleeping ‘till noon, then waking up to see you in my kitchen, looking like a fucking greek god reincarnated, a smile on your face that I don’t think anyone else but me gets to see, flipping an omelette with the same ease and grace that you flip knives. Me in fiddling with a couple spare parts, adding on to my arrows, and you either sliding up behind me, wrapping your arms around my waist and whispering in my ear how good I look in this old tank top or you throwing a greasy rag at my face and laughing at how it messed up the bun I had my hair put up in and telling me to wash up, dinner’s in 10. The two of us crowding around a set of blueprints, scheming and figuring out how to best hurt this one greedy asshole and send him down the highway to hell. And you honestly know all my secrets, all the dark thoughts I had when I was doped up and hating the world and everyone in it. And I’m the only one who knows what really happened in that funky green goo you call a Lazarus Pit, I’m the only one who knows what you went through under the League. The fact that we don’t have any secrets gives me this feeling in my chest, it’s warm and golden and sorta like how you feel with Dick Grayson smiles at you, except this time I think I caused it.

I just hope to god I’m right when I say “I love you.”

‘Cause I do. Jason. I love you. I just, fuck. I like being around you. And for the first time in a long while, I don’t think I’m going anywhere.

Fuck. That was stupid. This barely even made sense anyway. 

[Are you sure you want to delete this document?]

[Document deleted]

[New draft]

Wedding Vows.

From Roy Harper. To Jason Todd. 

I was trying something new with this and I have no idea whether it worked or not but oh well here it is.

[catfishofoldin99colours]

Obviously you love Mollymaulk like a lot so maybe a list of all the nice stuff about Molly that you love?

you are CORRECT i adore mollymauk so so much

and oh boy. what a question

i think one thing that sticks with me a lot is whats stuck with a lot of people - that he more or less completely reinvented himself in a short amount of time and said ‘fuck it’ to whatever he used to be because he HATED what that person was, and just created something new for himself out of almost nothing. and so so much of what he created was just built of love and creativity and a desire to live brightly and colourfully and loudly and be free goddamit

and obviously, that really resonates with so many queer people, and it REALLY resonated with me cos like if you know me at all thats my entire life philosophy right there, i just want to lead a life and build things out of love and be as creative as i can and be loud and vibrant and someone that people notice and admire from afar and mollymauk just Was all of that 

idek man its hard to put it into words what i really loved about him - i think, cos i admired his design from afar and REALLY admired anyone who cosplayed him, i decided to cosplay him cos tbh his aesthetic is to die for and i love it, and then i found out that the character was just snarky and fun and a party animal and unbelievably stupid but also brimming with love and kindness and a pretty good worldview, even if he would willingly trick people and intentionally weird the others out at times i still REALLY loved him, i think it was something to do with like. the amount of confidence he had? just unapologetically being himself even if that self was a glitzy pretty asshole who swindled people, he didn’t care and was just acting in His best interest for Himself - and as someone who’s always been the one doing shit for other people and trying to help other people and almost never doing anything for myself, that’s something i really really admire. it’s a bit weird to call a selfish asshole a role model, but when you’ve spent your entire life being The Carer for everyone but yourself, its admirable to me that someone can just. be selfish and be ok with that

also just. his relationship with yasha, hoLY shit. i love them as platonic best friends for sure and i will always scream about the importance of platonic relationships over romantic ones, definitely, but also,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, mollyasha is good and i will gladly ship it till i die  its something about being. two big outcasts i think and just finding each other and loving each other a whole hecking lot because you *know* no one else will, and you’re both fine being on your own but also just seeing someone like each other and deciding ‘i will love you so so much’ and especially when you’re both people that everyone else is scared of and just having someone not be afraid of you.......... to this day i maintain that jester is the only other one who has never been scared of yasha and it makes me cry because MOLLY was never scared of yasha and made sure she knew how much he loved her and now she’ll probably never have that same kind of thing (im not caught up and don’t know much about how beauyasha is going so i may be wrong but i just,,,,,,,, mOLLY) 

i think mollymauk was really the first time i looked at someone else and went ‘you are who i want to be’ and inspired me to just. live with love and colour and vibrancy in my life and realise that i didn’t have to be smart or strong or brave or anything, i could just. love the things i loved and work for my own best interests and that was still something good and worth doing and worth loving because LOOK at the amount of people who love and adore mollymauk, he is the darling of campaign 2 and y’know what he DESERVES IT 

like idk by the time in my life i got into critical role i’d already been living away from home for a year-ish and while it was absolutely terrifying, it was also incredibly freeing to just actually pursue the things i wanted and do what i wanted to, for no one’s sake except my own, and not even having to consult with anyone about that was just a real game-changer and mollymauk just. solidified that in my mind and showed me that yes, actually, doing shit purely for my own self-interest is ok and i am allowed to just care about myself and no one else 

and im really, really sad that he got taken from the game so quickly - it’s not anyone’s fault and im sure taliesin has made his peace with it, and i love caduceus i really do, he’s an angel and very similar to me, i see a lot of myself in him

but he’s not molly and molly just meant the absolute goddamn world to me as someone i could strive to be 

(so much so that i nearly cried when some of my friends started calling me tealeaf as a nickname, that was really really special to me)

i think lucien is interesting and i want to find out his story for sure, and i really hope we do because molly was taken far too quickly for me to be satisfied - but much as im intrigued by lucien he just *isn’t* molly, and i will always love mollymauk more 

[randomoranges]

Home is Where the Heart Is

hey hi hello do you like soft canon with hurt?

  the saga continues of étienne’s adventures in edmonton. had this idea since this summer. lol.

end october/beginning november 2020

Edward scans the crowd and tries to keep his nerves under control. He makes sure he isn’t too close to others, while still maintaining contact with the arrivals doors. Étienne should be arriving any moment now. In fact, his plane has landed, therefore, with every new batch of people who walk through the doors; Étienne could be one of them.

 He checks his phone for what is surely the fiftieth time in the past three minutes, but he finds no new messages other than the one from his boyfriend letting him know that “the bird has landed.” Edward fixes his mask and follows a person who walks out, thinking it might be Étienne, but it’s not.

 The reason he’s here started towards the beginning of the month of September. He’d been enjoying his video call with Étienne, something they did once every two days or so after he’d gone back home, when Étienne had grown quiet.

 “Were you serious?” He’d asked and Edward had wondered what exactly Étienne was alluding to, “When you said I could come over whenever – were you serious?” He’d reiterated.

 “Of course. Whenever you want. Hell, you could even be on the way to the airport at the moment. You could even already be in Edmonton.” He’d wondered if Étienne was concocting some trip and had dared to hope that he’d be seeing his boyfriend sooner rather than later.

 He’d meant it. Étienne could surprise him on his doorstep with little to no warning and he’d be happy to have him over.

 Summer had been – kind to Étienne, but not in its usual ways. It was a good thing it had been a hot summer, at least Étienne had been able to enjoy the outdoors, but – Edward had seen the toll of the pandemic on his boyfriend’s face. Had seen the dark circles that had made a comeback and had listened to the change in Étienne’s song from determined and hopeful to pessimistic and downtrodden.

 And of course, now things seemed to be getting worse again.

 Étienne was at wits ends.

 Étienne is at wits ends.

 “I don’t know what to do anymore, Ed,” He’d said. “Every time I go out – there’s a new place that’s closed down. How are the others going to make it? What’s going to be left of the city once this is all over? What’s going to be left of me? It’s like no one cares! Everything we did for naught! And then there’s those who say it’s a joke or a hoax. Yet I can’t even have my fucking sister over anymore – again. I can’t. I go grocery shopping and I fucking panic thinking maybe I’m going to infect someone, because what if it’s on me and I just don’t know because I can’t even fucking die properly.”

 He looked manic. Wild and scared and desperate.

 Edward had been – worried.

 Edward always worried. He always worries. He still worries. He worried by nature, but – he worried for Étienne in a different way.

 He knows of Étienne’s troubles – knows how his mood dips and changes and peeks and crests and falls straight through and he knows how personally he takes every single problem that afflicts the city, as though he’s responsible for the decision of millions.

 Edward had feared this – had feared that Étienne would spiral back out to how he’d been in April, but now he thinks he’d prefer the manic busy version of Étienne to this more lethargic and angry one.

 Edward had tried to be reassuring. Said that he’d be fine – he’d managed. It would be tough, yes, but – Étienne was like a phoenix, somehow found ways to rise again from the ashes. He’d reinvent himself if he needed to, but – Étienne hadn’t been so sure, still felt as though he hadn’t fully recovered from the original reinvention.

 Edward had fallen quiet to that.

 “D’you think I can come over again? For a bit. Maybe through to the New Year – I don’t know. I just – the weather’s gonna change for the worst again and – I don’t – I know how I am – in the winter – on a good year. I don’t think – I don’t trust myself going through winter alone during a pandemic.” He’d looked away from the screen after that admission. Had chewed on his bottom lip and had fisted his hands into Mercury’s fur.

 Edward’s heart had broken hearing those words. He’d wished he could find a way to enter Étienne’s head and right it once and for all. Fix whatever it was that made him feel this way day in and day out. No one deserved this, least of all Étienne.

 He consoled himself with the fact that Étienne was reaching out – that he was asking for help – that he wasn’t shutting himself further into his dark mood and dealing with it “on his own.” He’d seen how that ended up far too many times to want to live through it again.

 “Of course – like I said, you can come here whenever you want. I want you here.” Edward felt it was best to repeat these words as often as he could, in the hopes that Étienne would stop second-guessing himself over them.

 “I have work though. I have online classes, grading, and assignments to look over.” He’d said as though he was giving Edward reasons to tell him not to come and stay home in his infected hell hole.

 “That’s okay. I have work as well. We’ll make a schedule and work around it. I’ll clear out a desk for you that you can use. You can have the guestroom as your own study.”

 It was the logical thing to say. Whatever it was Étienne needed. It wasn’t complicated.

 “Are you sure?” Étienne had finally asked.

 “Of course, sweetheart. I’m always sure when it comes to you.”

 It was a little sappy, but – it was all very true.

 Étienne nodded at that, as if he couldn’t find the words to go with the action.

 “You realise though that it’ll be cold. It gets cold here earlier than it does at yours. And I mean negative weather and snow before Halloween.”

 Étienne had grimaced at that and Edward had laughed. The last thing he wanted was for Étienne to arrive in a windbreaker and then have an even worst time with the weather.

 “I don’t care. Summer’s over. It’s already getting cold. I just – I need to – I need to be around people – someone. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.”

 Edward had read the panic in those green-brown eyes, had read the fear and the loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole and – Edward had needed a moment to still his own nerves. He hadn’t seen that look on Étienne’s face in far too long and it was one he’d hoped he’d never see again.

 “That’s fine. When will you be arriving?”

 “I don’t know – I’m still figuring out when I’ll leave. There’s still a few things I need to do here.”

 “Keep me posted?” Part of him feared Étienne would do something stupid between now and then, but he consoled and reminded himself that despite everything, Étienne was in a better place now and was being treated for this. This wasn’t like before.

 “Yeah. I’ll talk to you soon.”

 That had been that and now here he is, summer officially done and over, waiting for Étienne to arrive. They’d spoken late last night and Edward hadn’t liked the way his boyfriend had sounded. Out of it, was one way of describing it, but – it almost felt as though – as if Étienne was giving up. As if he’d lost his last shred of hope.

 He can’t let that happen.

 Étienne is too important for that.

 Therefore, Edward takes a deep breath, counts to ten and then twenty and finally fifty and focuses on the task at hand.  With Calvin now back in Calgary as well, he figures this will give him a proper chance to do some real damage control on Étienne.

 Despite everything, he still smiles and feels extremely excited when he finally spots both Étienne and Mercury making their way towards him. He sees Étienne pause and give a careful look around, but even with the masks, he can still tell that Étienne smiles when he sees him as well.

 Étienne picks up his pace and walks over to him and Edward meets him half way, opening his arms up so that Étienne can step into them.

 “Hi you,” He says and holds Étienne close to him. Étienne looks a little worse for wear, but if anything, his visit in April had prepared Edward for this and so the shock isn’t as big, even if the pang in his heart is just the same. He feels Mercury excitedly jump up on his leg and he marvels at how big she’s gotten since she’d last been here. He’ll greet her properly in a bit, but for now he holds onto Étienne and presses a masked kiss to the side of his face.

 “Eddy,” Étienne breathes into the crook of his neck and it feels as though Étienne’s just discharged some of the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders since he’d gone back home. As if now that he’s here, he can let go a bit and give the reigns over to Edward to help him look after himself.

 It takes Edward a moment to realise that Étienne is shaking in his arms and he holds him closer still and rubs his back. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you.” He holds him for a moment longer, holds him until Étienne stops shaking and gets a hold of himself, holds him until Étienne straightens himself out and steps out of the embrace.

 “Missed you,” Étienne says as he picks the handle of his suitcase. Edward takes the moment to greet Mercury and she seems quite happy to see him as well. She still has growing to do, but she’s no longer the tiny puppy that had made the first trip out west at the start of spring.

 “Missed you more. Ready to go home?”

 Étienne nods and Edward laces their hands together as they make their way towards the truck.

 It’s a mostly silent walk and Étienne makes one comment about the weather, which makes Edward laugh. Étienne already looks like he’s dressed for winter and by the looks of the two suitcases he brought along, his entire winter wardrobe seems to be here with him as well.

 Edward takes the long walk to the truck, if only to give Mercury a chance to stretch her legs. They take off their masks after realising that they’d both kept them on out of habit and once they’re at the truck, Edward pulls Étienne for a much sought after kiss.

 “Missed you,” Edward reiterates as he caresses the sides of Étienne’s face. His boyfriend offers him a kind, if tired smile and Edward still thinks he’s one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met.

 “Missed you more,” Étienne parrots back, before he hugs him again. “Thanks again for – everything.”

 Edward gives his hand a squeeze and then opens the door for him.

  There’s hand-sanitizer in the truck they both use and Edward tries to keep the conversation going as he drives back home, but Étienne ends up falling asleep once more halfway through. He lets him, knowing Étienne never seems to get around the right amount of sleep and he lets Élyse know he’ll take good care of Étienne once they’re home.

 Mercury trots off to re-explore his house and so Edward helps Étienne with his luggage, helps him to the door and helps undress him afterwards, unpeeling each layer as they make their way towards Edward’s bedroom and they reacquaint themselves with one another with kisses and touches that make Étienne feel just a little bit more alive. It’s heady and messy and needy, but the end result is the same and Edward holds Étienne close as he cards his fingers through his hair with one hand, and traces lazy patterns on his arm with the other.

 Étienne seems a little more peaceful as he snuggles close and presses the occasional kiss to Edward’s chest. It’s as if – he feels safe here, in Edward’s arms and Edward hopes and wishes that he can always provide this solace for him.

 “Your hair’s gotten long,” He remarks as he holds up a perfect curl. He twines it around his finger before releasing it and watches with wonder as it springs back to its original form. Étienne’s hair had already been getting long during his last visit, but now that he could see his hair in person, Edward could really tell. It keeps flirting with Étienne’s shoulder and Edward thinks it’s a good look on him.

 “Yeah... never got around to booking a haircut when they reopened and then I kinda – I kinda like it actually. Thought I’d let it grow some and see what it looks like....” He’s careful with his answer, Edward can tell from the way he looks at him and then away. Étienne tucks a strand behind his ear out of reflex and Edward smiles softly.

 “It looks good. It suits you.”

 It really does. In all the years Edward has known him, he’s never seen Étienne with super long hair. Étienne had even been – sensitive about it and after Edward had found out why, he understood. This is a nice change, despite the reason behind it, and Edward hopes it means that if anything, Étienne is slowly making peace with that.

 “Yeah, you think so?”

 Edward nods. “Yeah, I really like it.”

 Étienne grins, a little quiet thing as he resettles against him, “I haven’t had it super long in – over forty years. Forgot how good it looked,” He says, normal like anything and Edward silently thrills.

 “It looks very good. I’m all for you experimenting with it and letting it grow.”

 Étienne offers him a smile for his compliment and Edward stores it for the days where it’ll be hard to get a smile out of his boyfriend. He’d like to think there won’t be any, but with the way things are going and with winter coming up, he knows better.

 “Hey, I have a surprise for you,” He says instead before they can get too comfortable. Étienne gives him a curious look and protests when Edward jostles him so that he can get out of bed and put his boxers back on. “Come on, you’ll like this.”

 “Preferred the view I had moments before.” Étienne says as he slowly makes a grab for his own clothes and underwear. Edward rolls his eyes, fond, amused, and ever so endeared, and then walks his boyfriend to the guestroom.

 “Jeez, Édouard, if you were already done with me, you could’ve just said and I woulda made my own exile back to the guestroom.” Étienne teases as Edward pushes the door to the guestroom until it’s fully open.

 “Humour me, Curly,” Edward says and leads him further into the room. “I set everything up for you; desk, chair, light. I cleared it off so you can put your laptop on it. I moved the printer here, in case you have things to print – and, this,” He moves to the side and that’s when Étienne notices the very large and suddenly very noticeable wooden easel that had not been previously there this past spring, “Is a little something I thought you would appreciate.”

 Étienne blinks and blinks again. There’s an easel – a beautiful wooden thing that he’d never ever seen before just standing there as if waiting to be used. He walks up to it, as if in a trance and dares to touch it to make sure it’s real.

 “I know you like to make your own canvases and stretchers, so if you need any materials or whatever, I’ll drive you to the store.”

 Étienne turns back to Edward, walks back to him and lunges into his awaiting arms, as if his boyfriend had been expecting such a reaction.

 “You didn’t have to,” Étienne says as he fights back the tears that threaten to fall. It’s all too much. He doesn’t deserve all of this – doesn’t deserve Edward’s kindness and yet Edward still offers it to him as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

 “I wanted to.” Edward tells him and figures he can let him know he’d made it himself later, before Étienne has an apoplexy over it. “I want you to feel comfortable here. You’re not just a passing houseguest – you’re my boyfriend. This is the very least I can do for you.”

 Étienne pulls him in for a kiss before Edward can say anything else that might make his heart jump out of his ribcage. “I love you,” He blurts out when they pull away for air. It’s the least he can do and say and he knows Edward likes hearing it. (He does too, really, but right now if Edward tells him he might just cry over everything.) (He’s still getting used to this – to having someone show him love and kindness so openly.) (There are still days when he wonders if this isn’t all some massive fever drug induced dream.) (He’s honestly glad it isn’t.)

 “My dearest Étienne, I love you too, never doubt it,” Edward tells him, cups his face in his nice warm hands, and offers him the kindest of smiles. Looks at him as though he’s something precious and worthwhile and there’s something inside of Étienne – some old shriveled thing that lives where his heart once was that dares to beat again.

 And Edward holds Étienne close, holds him again and then gently leads him back towards his bedroom so that they can lie together. He lets Étienne slowly come apart in his arms, rubs his back and twines their legs together and makes the silent promise that he’ll watch over Étienne and do his best so that Étienne doesn’t fall off the deep end again. He hopes and dares that despite everything, that winter will be kind to the both of them, but Edward knows that if anything, at least, they’ll be together.

 FIN

[outlawslikeus]

ooh 3, 12, 23 n 25 for the fanfic asks :DD

FUCK!!! I had typed up my entire response to this and then accidentally closed the tab. Kill me. Okay, let’s do this again.

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

Well I think they’re different. My favorite line is from chapter 2 of it’s not their style, ending the scene where Jared takes a late night drive.

When he falls asleep, it’s to a quiet mind from a night of illusive, elusive peace.

What can I say? I’m a sucker for rhyme. That, and alliteration and double meanings are definitely things I overindulge in when writing. Sue me. It’s MY fanfic and I get to decide which literary devices I overuse!

I often joke to myself I peaked when I wrote that line but really I think I’m only 30% joking.

My favorite scene is from isn’t that what friends are for, when Evan sits with Jared while he’s in the bathtub. 

“Wait,” he calls after him. “Sit with me,” he asks, the request hanging in the air between them. “Please,” he adds on, and Evan might be mistaken, but he thinks he hears a waver in Jared’s voice as he asks.

His feet find themselves walking back in before he even makes the conscious decision to, and he’s sitting down with his back against the side of the tub. It’s quiet for a long moment more before he hears the shower curtain get pulled back from behind him. Beside him, Jared puts an arm on the side of the tub and rests his chin on it.

“‘m sorry,” he mumbles, words muffled by his head placement and quiet enough that he almost doesn’t hear it. Louder this time, he says “I’m sorry about all —” he cuts off, his brain not properly able to articulate exactly what it is he’s sorry for. Instead, he makes a frustrated noise and gestures with the hand he’s not laying on to the space between them. “ — all the everything,” he finishes lamely, clearly hoping Evan understands. And he does. He’s had a lot of time to think about what went down their senior year. However, they’re not about to have this conversation now, at ass-o’clock in the morning and one of them still too drunk to form full sentences.

“I know, but I don’t think you’re going to remember anything we talk about now in the morning, so we’ll talk about it then, okay?” he says, reassuringly. He pauses for a moment, before adding, quieter, “I’m sorry, too.”

Out of the corner of his vision, he sees Jared nod, apparently content with his answer. They sit there for far longer than they should at such a late hour, or early at this point. It’s only when the water goes cold that Jared finally stands up, indicating he’s about to get out.

I’ll be honest I don’t like this scene for how I wrote it, rather I like it because of the physicality of it. The heated air from the bath water and warm fluorescent bathroom lights, contrasting with the coldness of winter and the darkness of the night outside. It feels like Evan and Jared are in their own private world here, and yet still separated. Jared is sitting in the bath and Evan is sitting with his back against the side of the tub. They’re separated by a shower curtain and so Jared can only see his silhouette. It’s only when that curtain gets pulled back that Jared attempts his apology.

As for what’s actually happening, Jared only asks for Evan to stay when he isn’t in his right mind. Evan indulges in him because he wants to and because he knows Jared won’t remember it. I like the mutual understanding and new perspective that time away from events have given them.

12. favorite character to write about this year

Well I think everyone knows the answer to this but Jared! We’re all very surprised, I’m sure. I think my work speaks for itself so no need for further comment on this one :)

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

I have two bigish ones!

Galactic Love, with forest spirit!Evan and comet spirit!Jared. It’s all kinda nebulous (haha) in my head right now but basically, Jared's comet has been hurtling through space for millions of years by itself until it by chance catches orbit of Earth. It orbits the planet for around a thousand years before the orbit finally decays too much and falls to Earth in the middle of Evan's forest. “Slow” burn in that it takes place over a long, long period of time but I don’t think the wordcount would actually be all that high.

Amnesia AU, where Evan falls from a forty-foot oak tree and hits his head, and it changes everything and nothing. It’s supposed to be a DEH rewrite where Evan has retrograde amnesia and can’t remember anything about himself. 

Things I want to explore/ideas I had about it:

How Evan might be more receptive to people (like Alana, Jared, and his mom) were he not operating on the assumption that he is invisible.

Drops the plotline of Evan crushing on Zoe.

Evan's fear of being forgotten is one of the things that remain. He's forgotten himself. Is he scared of that? He's trying to find who he was before from secondhand accounts (mainly Jared’s and his mom’s).

Jared takes this chance to become close with Evan again by lying and saying that they were best friends. Compare/contrast with Evan lying to the Murphys’ saying Connor and him were friends before Connor died.

If I Could Tell Her but it’s Jared telling Evan about himself but Jared is passing it off as telling Evan about a guy he has a crush on.

Thoughts about identity and who you are in other’s eyes, and how that may be a more accurate picture of you than what you think of yourself.

Connor is dead, and so is Evan in a way. Compare/contrast Connor’s memory with Evan’s.

Good For You fight is Evan calling out Jared on them not actually being best friends in the past few years.

Maybe at one point Evan is able to actually delude himself into thinking he might have been friends with Connor before he died, since he’s spent so much time in make-believe land and who’s to say that he wasn’t, because he certainly doesn’t remember.

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

A Lot of Reinvention by bellabonbon. I appreciate how... unkind it is. Like Jared’s an ass to his parents. It feels real to life in that I find in fanfic, everyone ranges from a tad more idealized version of their characters, to completely out of character (I think I’m guilty of the former). I found it refreshing that this fic seemed to depict them with their negative character traits, because it’s all too easy to gloss over those when you’re writing about a character you love.

Send a fanfic end of the year ask!

[helenarlett-rex]

Goosebumps Review #6

Oh my god… I may not have found a new favorite Goosebumps, but I have definitely just added this one to the upper half of my top 10 list.

Moving on with my little project of reading all the Goosebumps I never got the chance to read as a kid…

(Spoilers)

I Live In Your Basement!

Goosebumps (original series) #61

This was the 2nd to the last book in the original series. The last Goosebumps R.L. Stine would write before releasing Monster Blood 4, which was such a crapshot he would have to reinvent himself with the Goosebumps Series 2000 the following year. And it’s a wild one. But in a very good way. This book really screwed with my head. I almost want to compare it to Oculus levels of mind fuckery. I’m also going to say, that as far as Goosebumps goes, this is probably some of the most disturbing imagery I have ever seen in the original series.

The cover is a little misleading, making it look like just another silly monster book of which Stine has given us so many already, but that’s because you don’t understand the context of what you are looking at. That and the cover artist doesn’t even come close to capturing the grotesque horror of what it should actually be.

Now I need to point out again that I’m going to spoil the story here, (in fact I’m going to ramble on a lot on this one) so if you are at all interested in reading the book yourself, please go do that before reading this. Go buy a copy or, if you don’t want to spend money, go to your local library. If they don’t have a copy, ask about Inter Library Loan. You can do that you know... You can ask a library to have a book shipped to them from another library. That’s actually my day job... This is one where you really don’t want spoilers if you are going to read it. If you have no interest in reading a Goosebumps book and just want to hear my review then please continue.

The story revolves around Marco, a young boy who lives with his incredibly overprotective mother. His mother is never named in the book. She is always just called “Mom”, and his father is never mentioned at all. We don’t know if Marco has a father, if he is always away at work, if he is dead, if he ran off after getting Marco’s mom pregnant… it’s just never talked about. And the reason behind all the lack of info on both of his parents won’t make much sense until the end of the book.

Marco’s mom is so overprotective she doesn’t allow him to do anything because he’ll “break every bone in his body” among other excuses. So Marco has to sneak out of the house to go play softball with his friends from school. And that’s when his friend Gwynnie promptly smashes his head in with a baseball bat… on accident mind you…

When Marco comes to he finds himself laying on the couch in his living room with his mom worrying herself into a fit as she fusses over him. Most things are a blur at this point but as he is drifting in and out of consciousness there is a point where he is woken up by the phone ringing and his mom is nowhere to be seen so he answers it. The voice on the other end sounds like a young boy who says, “I hope you’re okay. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Because you’re going to take care of me from now on.” When Marco asks who this is the boy answers that his name is Keith, and when Marco says that he doesn’t know any Keith, Keith replies with, “You should know me, Marco. I live in your basement.”

This understandably freaks him out but his mom thinks he was only dreaming it and chocks it up to the blow to the head, because after all, “Marco, there’s no phone in this room.” As the story goes on Marco continues to hear from Keith either from more phone calls or from Keith talking up to him directly from down the basement stairs. Eventually Keith actually shows up in Marco’s bedroom and he appears to be just a young boy around the same age as Marco, who happens to look just like L from Death Note (judging by the way Stine describes him). But any time Marco tries to prove Keith’s existence to his mom, Keith is always gone. Even when Marco locks Keith in his bedroom he is gone by the time Marco drags his mom up to the room and unlocks the door.

The book was very creepy throughout all of this and did a good job keeping me on edge. But after a while of this Marco’s mom thinks he’s hallucinating and may have brain damage so she takes him back to the doctor, and this is where the book starts to get weird. It’s also where Stine does something hilarious I’ve never seen him do before. The chapter ends with the doctor suggesting that he would like to remove Marco’s brain so he can study it under a microscope to find out what the problem is. I’m sitting there thinking, okay Stine… you are starting the fake-out scares now are you? I’m going to turn to the next page and the chapter is going to start with the doctor laughing and telling Marco it was only a joke. But then I turn to the next page and… it’s not a joke… The doctor is serious. And even more surprising, Marco’s mom is all on board with this idea. I keep reading and waiting for someone to tell him it’s a joke, but they never do. They are seriously considering removing his brain.

Do you see what Stine did there? The fake out was in itself a fake out. He built up my expectations to the point where I believed it was going to be a fake out, and then it wasn’t. The only fake out was the fact that he made it look like it was going to be a fake out. A double fake out. Stine wrote 60 books filled with fake out scares just like that only to finally turn it around and use 60 books worth of expectations against me. This was amazing and it really caught me off guard.

They don’t actually remove Marco’s brain, deciding to wait and think about it for a while, but from that point on the story just kept getting weirder. Such as when he goes to Gwynnie for help and asks her to come with him to explore his basement to try and find Keith (because Gwynnie is the biggest, toughest, meanest girl he knows and Marco couldn’t give a shit about gender role stereotypes at this point). Then they naturally don’t find anything and Gwynnie thinks Marco is just trying to scare her, but she tells him he can’t scare her, and she’ll show him why… Which she does by ripping her mouth open wider than the size of her entire head and vomiting up all her internals until she has turned herself completely inside out and lays on the floor as a bloody, pulsating mess. (Which the book’s cover does a poor job of trying to depict.)

Are you still with me, or have you just spit out whatever you were drinking and shouted “what the fuck?” while scrolling back up to the top to make sure I am indeed still reviewing a Goosebumps book? Because this is the part where Marco wakes up in the hospital only an hour after getting hit in the head and I find myself saying, “Hold on… We are only half way through the book? It’s too soon for the twist ending… If it was all a dream what are all these other pages? I still have half a book to go!”

Well the second half of the book is where the story keeps twisting and turning to the point where I never know what is real and what is a dream. Marco can’t tell either. When he wakes up and finds out that Gwynnie is not his best friend, but is instead his sister, and he was actually hit in the head by his friend Jeremy, he’s unsure if these facts are correct or if the way things were before Gwynnie turned herself inside out was how it was supposed to be. And then naturally, more disturbing stuff keeps happening. Keith keeps contacting him and insisting that Marco is going to take care of him, that doctor keeps changing in appearance every time Marco sees him… Reading the second half of this book you start to fall down the rabbit hole fast and hard. Even when Marco would wake up from something horrible I still couldn’t be sure if that had actually been a dream, or if him waking up was the dream.

I personally suffer from sleep paralysis. I’m no stranger to waking up only to still be in a dream, and then waking up from that to still be in a dream. It’s a terrifying experience. And then when you finally do wake up for real, and you think back on what you just went through, and you can’t be sure it really was a dream, is equally terrifying. And this book captures those feelings quite well. I’m not going to say the book is about sleep paralysis, but as someone who has it, it’s a pretty scary similarity.

But then things lead up to a final confrontation with Keith and after a battle that I wasn’t sure was even happening or not, he wakes up again only to find that he is Keith. He and his mom are both those inside out monsters, and they live in hiding down in Marco and Gwynnie’s basement, and he got smashed in the head by them and this is why his mom keeps warning him that he is a monster and he can’t go play with those humans, as much as he might want to. And we still have a few chapters left to go… Every time I think I finally know what’s going on, I’m still second guessing if it’s real or not.

Even when the book finally ends with Marco discovering Keith in the basement and Keith tells him that he’s only dreaming, I’m still unsure of things. How much of it was actually a dream and how much was real? Who’s dream was it even? Was it  actually Keith’s dream all along, or was it Marco’s dream? Given the way other characters shifted throughout the story, such as Gwynnie starting out as Marco’s best friend and then becoming his sister, it’s not out of the question that Marco may have started to dream that he was Keith. Was Keith ever even real at all? But then it’s also not out of the question that Keith would have been dreaming that he was Marco. And if the mom was actually Keith’s mom and they are the only two monsters living down there, and he carried her over into being his mom when he was dreaming he was Marco, then it would explain why Marco’s father was never mentioned. It’s all just very twisty and turny and I still don’t know what’s what… and I rather loved it.

[surveystodestressme]

211.

3000 question survey pt 1

1.      What is your idea of perfect happiness?

 being healthy and alive and well

2.      What is your greatest fear?

 being killed or kidnapped or just dying in general

3.      What is the trait you most deplore (dislike) in yourself?

 I can be really mean and hurtful

4.      What is your greatest extravagance?

 oh i don’t know

5.      What is your current state of mind?

 i am doing okay. 

6.      What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

 just being a good human being

7.      On what occasion do you lie?

 i try to never lie

8.      What do you most dislike about your appearance?

 i am super acne prone

9.      Which living person do you most despise?

 rapists and murderers, no specific person

10.  What is the quality you most like in a man?

 humor

11.  What is the quality you most like in a woman?

 also humor

12.  Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

 too many of them

13.  What or who is the greatest love of your life?

 my boyfriend or my cat

14.  When and where were you the happiest?

 i don’t know off the top of my head

15.  Which talent would you most like to have?

 i would love to be able to make things or fix things

16.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

 i wish i was nicer and was more patient

17.  What do you consider your greatest achievement?

 getting through college (almost, haven’t graduated yet but i’m certain that i will)

18.  If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

 a golden retriever in a rich home that will spoil me

19.  Where would you most like to live?

 somewhere warm all the time

20.  What is your most treasured possession?

 my cat (don’t really count her as a possession but i treasure her dearly)

21.  What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

 i don’t know

22.  What is your favorite career?

 astronaut

23.  What is your most marked characteristic?

 i like to think i am pretty helpful

24.  What do you value most in your friends?

 honesty and loyalty

25.  Who are your favorite writers?

 i don’t really have one

26.  Who is your hero of fiction?

 *

27.  Which historical figure do you most identify with?

 i don’t know

28.  Who are your heroes in real life?

 my sister and my mother

29.  What are your favorite names?

 i always liked Parker

30.  What is it that you most dislike?

 bad people

31.  What is your greatest regret?

 trying to kill myself when i was younger and all the people i hurt because of it

32.  How would you like to die?

 i would not like to die painfully

33.  What is your motto?

 i don’t really think i have one

34.  Do you like watching reruns?

 yes!

35.  Have you ever won any kind of contest yourself?

 i think so

36.  What gives you cheap thrills?

 i don’t know

37.  What do you think is worth waiting for?

 love

38.  Are you an organ donor, if so why/why not?

 i think so?  I mean if i can be useful after death, why not

39.  Should parenting classes be mandatory for new parents?

 yes, a lot of people i know that have had kids have no idea wtf they’re doing and they are going to fuck their kid up

40.  What is the number one thing people are always asking you for help with?

 advice on relationships, schoolwork, pets, etc.

41.  What movie did you love the original but hated the sequel to?

 there are plenty.

42.  Are you more talk and less action or vice versa?

 more talk lol

43.  Have you ever given someone a handmade present?

 yes! plenty of times. i definitely think that is the best kind of present to get. i love getting handmade presents

44.  What type of person angers you the most?

 rude people and stupid people

45.  Could you live without electricity for a week?

 yeah probably

46.  Do you think Great Britain should be a part of a united Europe?

 i don’t care

47.  Have you ever eaten a whole tube of pringles by yourself?

 probably

48.  Do you like champagne, if so, what is your favorite brand?

 i don’t mind champagne but i would not go out of my way to drink it

49.  What nervous habits do you have?

 i bite my nails, bite my lip, bite the inside of my cheek

50.  What do you do when you and your best friend get into a fight?

 i don’t really fight with my friends.

51.  What do you think should be a wonder of the world that currently isn’t?

 i don’t know

52.  What comforts you on bad days?

 my cat

53.  Do you treat yourself and your body with respect?

 i like to think so

54.  Something you eat that other people would find gross.

 i make ramen and i out ranch, hot sauce, and cheese in it

55.  Have you ever broken the law and didn’t get caught, if so how?

 yeah, trespassed more times than i can count.

56.  Something you fear might change you.

 moving away from my friends and family

57.  What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

 arrogance, rudeness

58.  Have you ever resented someone, if so what for?

 yeah but i don’t really remember what for

59.  Do you have a favorite t-shirt, if so what’s on it or what does it say?

 i have plenty of favorite sweatshirts but no favorite shirts

60.  How old do you think is too old to have a baby?

 probably late 40s

61.  How have you changed over the last five years?

 oh god, plenty.  i’m not a suicidal teenager anymore.  i eat now. i don’t hurt myself

62.  Have you ever painted a house?

 the inside

63.  Have you ever had a surprise party (that was an actual surprise)?

 yes!! they are so much fun

64.  What makes you feel miserable?

 when people are mean to me

65.  What’s the best costume you’ve ever worn?

 i was chucky one year, i even did my own makeup

66.  What’s been the hardest loss you’ve had to take?

 my cat, lily, when she passed away

67.  Do you like sunny days or rainy days more?

 sunny

68.  What does your typical Friday night look like?

 usually sitting on my computer playing video games, watching movies/shows, or doing homework/studying.  i rock climb too on fridays

69.  Who is your favorite movie director and what’s your favorite movie from them?

 i don’t really care about the directors of movies, i don’t pay attention to that stuff

70.  What is the furthest you’ve ever got a paper airplane to fly?

 not very

71.  Do you like the person you are becoming?

 i think so, at least for the most part

72.  What’s the highest you’ve ever jumped into the water from?

 not very far.  there is a swing into a creek near my parents house

73.  What inspires your ideas?

 a lot of different things, inspiration comes from everywhere

74.  Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?

 not by myself

75.  Have you ever bolstered your resume to get a job you really wanted?

 yes

76.  How emotional are you?

 very

77.  Have you ever had an internship, if not what would be your dream intern job?

 i interned at a vet clinic last summer

78.  Do you prefer chicken, beef, or seafood?

 i would usually say beef but lately i’ve been craving seafood

79.  Have you ever had a health scare?

 nah

80.  What do you love most about the holiday season?

 decorating

81.  Do you think a fling could be a good thing?

 sure

82.  What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?

 actually doing something with my hair lol. i hate dealing with it

83.  What do or did you hate the most about dating or the dating process?

 i don’t mind dating, it feels good to date but i’m always worried that i will say the wrong thing

84.  What do you frown upon when it comes to raising kids?

 when people raise them wrong

85.  Have you ever been professionally photographed?

 for family photos, yeah

86.  Where or how do you find serenity?

 reading or writing

87.  Do you influence people more than they influence you?

 i don’t know

88.  What can you do to make your life better?

 try harder

89.  If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, what would you ask?

 i would ask any dead person what it is like to die and what comes after, if anything

90.  What is your favorite hiding place?

 someplace where no one would find me

91.  Do you buy anything organic, if so, what is it?

 nope

92.  Describe yourself in terms of food.

 delicious

93.  How could you reinvent yourself?

 plenty of ways

94.  What was the name of the first album you ever bought and who was it by?

 it was one of gwen stefanis first albums but i don’t remember which one

95.  What is your Chinese zodiac sign and is the description accurate?

 aries, i don’t know the description tbh

96.  Do you have any prejudices you’ve admitted to yourself?

 plenty

97.  Who is the very first friend you ever remember making and how old were you?

 kristen in kindergarten

98.  What makes you lose sleep?

 worrying

99.  What are three phases or sayings you say almost every day?

 there are too many

100. Do you floss or use a toothpick when food gets stuck in your teeth?

 yes

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 7 - “I wonder why you're not liked” - Nicole (& Ben)

Glad I sat out on that one - really didn't know anything Survivor related. Darcy's score of 12 is a huge shame, but gives me incentive to vote him out. He tried, he flopped, that's how it is. If it's me going this round, GGWP. 

Oh yeah! So, Nicole returned to the game.... Grrreat. It was probably the worst outcome I could have, but honestly, I don't want to dwell on it too long. With Nicole and Jacob both back in the game and Juls out of it, my fate looks worse and worse each day, as my list of allies continues to shorten and my list of enemies only gets longer. I feel very scared for the future, and rather trapped as of now, trapped between millions of possibilities, none of which have me doing very well. But hey, hasn't that been how it's been since Day 1 of this game? I started things off on Sonkei, a tribe so quiet I couldn't tell if I was running the show or on the bottom of everything until like 3 tribal councils in. A tribe where every new enemy I made would come back from the arena with a vengeance, and things only got harder. A tribe where I consistently lost challenges despite putting in my all. Then I got to nuMIraitowa, and my time here has been incredibly hectic. A bumpy road, to say the least. It's been a journey of gaining friends and then losing them, knowing people are lying but not knowing why, and just struggling to find the tiniest crack so I can get off the fucking bottom and just... SURVIVE. It's really been tough out here, and you can see the game starting to wear me down. My insanity is starting to come through in the main chats and honestly I've just lost all patience and tolerance that I had at the beginning of the game, the real me is beginning to show through. The one who lashes out, and desperately tugs at every heartstring possible, and says exactly what he's thinking without giving a fuck who's listening or the repercussions it might have down the line. Who makes everything public. I KNOW that these things are not typically good for my game, and yet, I just find myself so inclined to do them. Even though they've never helped me win anything, I can't help but be true to myself. I don't know, I guess I just feel frustrated. I'm at a place in ORGs where I feel so helpless, like I'm the victim of my own personality. I know exactly what's holding me back but I can't seem to just get past it. I guess I just keep hoping that one of these days, I'll play exactly true to myself, 100% me, and people will like that person enough to want to work with him or be happy to reward him a win. But it hasn't happened yet and I don't know if it can happen here anymore. I'm really struggling to push through. But, if there's one thing I'll never do, it's give up. Even when everything feels like it's caving in and I'm ready to just collapse, like I was saying earlier - no matter how much I want to do something, the real me ALWAYS fights back and does what it wants anyway. And the real me can't give up. Deep down in my core I always fight back, I always stand up for myself, sometimes even when I'm wrong. I just can't stand letting things go, and I know it's a character flaw, but hell, it's also a strength, and it's something I'm proud of, in a weird way. I don't want to be the player who gives in, never reveals anything, or plays it safe. I want to play it my way because if I don't, then how can I enjoy a win? How can I be proud of myself for winning if it wasn't ME that won? I have to win it my way, and sure, right now it looks difficult. VERY difficult. Maybe even impossible. But I'm approaching on the Final 16, and maybe, just maybe, a swap is on the horizon. Maybe new things are coming and maybe this entire game is about to reinvent itself for me. I've got allies in Jordan, Eve, Pete... potential allies in Caeleb, Ben, Sammy, Kevin... Maybe I could fix things with Emma. Honestly, who knows what's ahead. I'm very scared, partly, if that wasn't obvious by this big emotional confessional. But I'm also kind of exhilarated, this is exactly what Survivor is supposed to be and I can't wait for the next stage of the game. These are the Olympics, so it's go big or go home. Let's do this.

Hello again, this is Darcy here reporting with more confessing.  So, for starters, I still have yet to find something at the Olympic Village, which is really nothing new at this point of the game.   Now for the fun parts, my tribe lost Immunity, which not really surprising, since that kind of challenge I felt whoever had gold medal won that challenge.   So, we get to enjoy another tribal, where I am hoping for it to be Ben, since Ben is the one I trust the least, due to hearing about Ben wanting to come for me last round if I lost immunity, assuming that was a true tidbit anyways.   I have a feeling this vote could be between Ben and I, but here's to hoping Ben targets someone else and not me woo!   I do have enough trust in my alliance with Beck, Tommy and Karen though that us four should hopefully stick together to just take out the common enemy in Ben.   Then Ben may come back again with a gold medal, but if he does, I mean good for him.

I'm back, babes! Okay, so regarding my last confessional...I guess maybe I went a little too hard on some people. But, I was angry and validly so. Nothing much has changed even though I'm really good at faking forgiveness. About twenty minutes after I dropped in the FOUR AND A HALF HOUR PRESSURE COOKER, Sammy messages me asking to call!

I'm back babes! So as soon as I got back after the FOUR AND A HALF HOUR ENDURANCE, people were all of the sudden really happy to see me -- which was a LOT different than 24 hours prior! I talked to my best ally Kevin first, of course! I really hope at the end of the game Kevin's confessionals aren't like "oh geez and then I had to talk to Nicole, she's so annoying" bc I will be crushed, as a person he is just so nice and I'm so happy we have been given the opportunity to become friends from this game! So I talk to Kevin, then Caeleb and then...whatta know! Sammy! Right to the rescue, he wants to call after 1) voting me out 2) revoting me out. Now, long story short I made significant peace with Sammy through the phone call BUT something did happen that really did not sit well with me. While we were calling he said he DIDN'T want to apologize because we both did things wrong. Hm. Well, Sammy! Okay! I would have had more respect and less wariness of him moving forward if he did apologize but, he didn't. He kind of said like "ok so i know i lied about the advantages I had in this game and gave you nothing to trust me off of, got mad when you didn't trust me, then decided I was going to vote with Eve to get rid of you, revoted to seal your fate and called you out on a tribal call like 'if anyone wants to apologize now would be the time', but i don't think I NEED to apologize because, we were equally wrong.' Someone please explain to ME how exactly it is that we would be equally wrong when everything I did was to protect myself, and everything he did was because he had other people he could trust over me. Now that Juls is gone and he kind of showed his ass, he's now saying hey haha let's work together again though! I haven't decided if I want to do that, AND now I have a lot more options because people saw how kick ass I could be :) Speaking of the comp, it kind of grinds my gears that coming back in the last few messages before I entered again were Emma and Landen actively rooting against me. Landen, I understand. Emma...who even are you? Why do you hate me? lmao. Okay I may still be a little bit mad. Ben also as I'm typing this messaged me "I wonder why you're not liked", which is like hurtful but accurate. Anyway....I'm making at LEAST f15 now (bc my gold medal) so that's very fun, A+ content. I think we are swapping after this THANK GOD bc I have to get AWAY from this tribe. I hope I get to stay with either Jacob or Kevin, and maybe even get swapped with Jordan Pines or Karen so I can feel some semblance of security. I'll make a confessional about it next round bc :) im back :) hehe

anyway so this ugly ass tribe lost again. The only good thing to happen over the last few days is that nicole is back ugh I wasn’t ready to lose on of my allies skdjfkdjfj anyway so juls is gone and it’s down to me tommy Darcy beck caeleb and Ben, 4/6 of us are in an alliance and then there’s cae and Ben sjdjjddnjd obvs Ben is the choice to vote but also like bc it’s so obvious I’m scared that he’ll know and play an idol /: scares me bc I’m not 100% sure who he’d vote and he’s shown that he’s willing to vote for me at any moment so I’m just debating whether I should throw a vote at caeleb just in case to tie it or if I should let one of my alliance members potentially get voted out. Best case scenario if Ben plays an idol is that he votes for beck bc I don’t trust that hoe at all wkendkdndndn but yeah I haven’t had time to really talk to Ben so it’s prob too late to probe into his plans. Ugh I hope this tribal is quick & painless /: 

hello. confessional #472. i've survived another round so that's fun! i feel rly solid about the bonds i have with people right now so i know a tribe swap is incoming but that's for the best bc i'd rather not vote out anyone on yushu rn… so we'll see! 

Really mad I got voted out, feeling pretty betrayed by my tribe rn. 

I wish em didn't have to get voted out, but I'm pretty confident she'll fight tooth and nail to get back into the running..

Tribal just happened and we voted out Ben again in a unanimous vote. It was an easy vote I think either we are swapping into 3 tribes of 5 at Final 15 or 16, but if it's Final 16 the Gold Medal winner will be exiled. If we don't swap I think Ben will win the Gold and Beck the silver medal so we have a good chance of winning immunity incase there's another round before we swap. I'm really just trying to maintain get close to Caeleb because he's probably still skeptical about the whole Juls vote which I'm happy she's out because she's a threat but on the other hand she was so sweet it was sad she had to leave early. At this point I'm trying to maintain good relationships going into a swap and hope I get a good tribe that's strong and will leave me in the majority going into the merge. Also, at this point once Emma or Ben is officially voted out we'll be down to 9 returnees and 7 newbies so I really don't care if some of these returnees start hitting the road and going home. It's gonna come down to who wants to take me to the end and that's who I'm with. 

It's the end of the round, you know what that means? LAST MINUTE JORDAN PINES CONFESSIONAL TIME! It's america's favourite game show where Jordan Pines quickly makes a confessional at the last possible moment to not recieve a strike and tries to make his thoughts sound coherent. Let's Play! Whew this round was awful compared to every round so far in every aspect. First we get a challenge and I'm like... Oh Shit we can win this! and I work my ass of coordinating, doing most of the work for the tribe getting list ready in shit. And guess what it worked, we had the best scores over all and it wasn't very close... until you remember that each member of a tribe getting 20% on a challenge like this is basically a guaranteed win unless you are absolutely garbage. So we lose! Here we are and I have 4 people on my tribe including and I want to go far with all 3. Like I was at a loss. Not to mention the fact that I was having the day from hell where I could only be on for a minute like for the whole day. It ends up being emma and that fucking sucks cause emma is an icon. She has now won the duel and thank god I had some common sense not to blindside her and give her a heads up so that I can repair the relationship. Let's see how she feels about me tonight, but like I stand by it that I quote it here, in an ideal world i would go as close to the end with emma, shes iconic and i trust her a lot. I hope I havent damaged this relationship too badly! LET ME SWAP ALREADY!

I am tired of losing!! we’ve been attending tribal nonstop and it sucks. All these people are amazing. The vote was between Sarah and Em, Jordan was quite busy and didn’t care who left so it came down to my decision unfortunately. I decided em should go because I just don’t have a relation with her like I do with Jordan and Sarah. Luckily she won and is still in the game and got us gold <3 Jordan’s gonna try and do damage control with Em to keep her on our side. We’ve got a few advantages rn  and have been leading these tribals so I hope we stay in a good position. 

[otdderamin]

Analysis & Transcript: Fjord is ashamed of losing his abilities – CR C2 Ep62 1:56:49

I really sympathize with Fjord right now. As someone whose had their abilities and their old life taken from them, who thinks every day about what they cost their loved ones, this is a powerful and intensely real narrative.

That denial and shame are horrible. It’s awful and terrifying feeling like everything you’ve been working for, everything you’ve wanted, all your cool new friends just have to go away because suddenly your abilities are gone or intermittent. Having all your hope taken away overnight. Wanting it to go away because you don’t have another solution. Confessing that it’s happening feels like defeat. You know it can’t just go on. It’s not like you can really hide it, and you know it’s going to just blow up in your face but saying it out loud makes it feel real. Travis is playing it really beautifully.

Fjord doesn’t know how to make it better. He doesn’t think his friends know how to make it better. Marisha suggested, “Well, look, you could have been our Caddy Shack for a few episodes, and we would have gone and got your powers back. We just quest for powers.” (TM for C2 Ep061 0:36:28) Travis incredulously replies, “How do you do that? How do you think you do that? Where is Uk’otoa to you?” He thinks telling them will only worry them and squander their resources. Especially when they could be out solving solvable problems. They don’t need this. It’s his.

He feels like he has to tell his friends he has to quit, and he’ll never get something like this back again if he does. If his friends ask him to stay, he’ll feel like a burden. His abandonment issues are telling him his friends will only stay as long as he benefits them, and he nether deserves nor can expect loyalty. “Yeah, they’ll think less of him. Who wouldn’t, right? Everybody needs to be able to- No, Dani, they would! You’ve gotta pull your own weight in this group.” (Travis, TM for C2 Ep61 0:35:26)

Caleb tells him, “I would feel better knowing who you are because I don’t trust that I do.” (Ep62 1:58:01) Fjord winces hard. He doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows the person he hated being. He knows who he remade himself to be for them. But not who he is now.

He keeps his eyes closed after that line. He’s really struggling inside. Caleb says, “What do you think? We’re going to chase you out of here? Run you off?” (Ep 62 1:59:00) Fjord grimly and painfully smiles. that’s exactly what he thinks is going to happen. He’s deeply afraid of being abandoned.

Caleb continues, “I find it hard to believe that anything you would tell me, maybe I’m wrong, but is worse than what is inside my head.” Fjord shakes his head and responds, “Oh no, I don’t think that’s it at all.” Fjord’s not hiding the wrong he’s done; he’s hiding the shame of not being able.

Fjord shakes his head downcast and says, “It is not in me to speak about myself. It appears the same is true for you? I found myself reinvented when I woke up on that shore. When I wake up at night spitting up water, it’s reminders of a time when the rest of my life no longer mattered. Didn’t apply. I didn’t care for that life. Didn’t care for me. I prefer to leave it in the past. It’s not that I’m hiding anything from you, I… I don’t want to bring things from my old life into this one.” (Ep62 1:59:15)

On Talks Travis said, “I mean, from the day that happened until now, everything has been different and awesome because I can shoot shit out of my hands, and jump between planes, and change the way I look, and all of that. If you told me I’m just going back to being who I was before…” (TM for C2 Ep61 0:44:12)

Fjord hated being a weak kid treated like a monster, isolated and picked on by those around him. He tried to remake himself and put that behind him. As a sailor, he had a purpose, a crew, and a captain at his back, but that was taken away in an instant. He washed up on the shore with a new chance. Those old lives could have nothing to do with his new one. He finally had power. He could be anyone he wanted, someone people feared or respected. “All these powers, when he has them, are defining who he is, right? It was really not anything close to that before. […] Plus, people look to him in a… looked to him in a leadership role for a while. That’s new to him, too.” (TM for C2 Ep61 0:33:40) He likes the result. “Fjord has fallen in love a little bit with the idea of who this new version of himself is.” (Travis, TM for C2 Ep61 0:42:46) “As long as things stay the way they are he’s pretty comfortable with this new life and family. But shit changes sometimes.” (TM for C2 Ep61 0:54:49)

He feels like his new life is being stolen. He’s terrified he’ll have to go back to a life he left behind, this time with the knowledge of what it was like to be free. He genuinely can’t handle how bad that sounds, how trapped he feels. It’s a tossup if it’s worse if Uk’otoa kills him or abandons him.

Caleb worries about Fjord’s past coming back to hurt them. He wants to know what he’s up against so he can defend them from it. Fjord reassures him his past is no danger to anyone else. He doesn’t think Sabian is after him, he was just a bystander to a different plot that’s over now.

Fjord knows he needs to tell them something, but after a lifetime of needing to protect himself, he doesn’t know how. “I appreciate you wanting to know more. I almost resent you for… telling us as much as you have. Anyone for sharing their pain. Seems like the last thing I would ever want to do… […] Give me some time. I do not want to share this with the group.” (Ep 62 2:02:41) His vulnerability has always been exploited to hurt him. He doesn’t know how to trust this love and speak.

He says, “I feel like sometimes you hold onto things that make you who you are, and if you lose those things, you can fall free.” (Ep62 2:03:54) Caleb implores him, “We can remake ourselves into something better.” But Fjord responds, defeated, “Yeah, that’s what I- That’s what I thought I was doing.”

Fjord feels like he failed to remake himself twice. He doesn’t know where to go from here, who he is or who he could be that he’d even want to live with. He’s so split he says, “I find myselves on my heels in this room.” (Ep62 2:04:34) He feels like a collection of selves, his past lives, his present, and an unknown future. He tied his worth to his abilities and now he feels like both are in jeopardy.

Fjord says, “Please understand I am not trying to be deceptive. Just let me figure out how the fuck to say it, and let me come to you, and I will feel less like I have been… less like I’ve had something taken from me. Let me find a way to tell you. Please.” (Ep62 2:04:37) I believe he means that. He’s only lying because he’s lying to himself. He just wants this to get better or get easier because he doesn’t see any other positive way out.

Now, I do think Fjord’s wrong. He can’t know the being doing this to him still wants him in the story. His friends won’t abandon him, he is worth it, they’d be happy to help him figure it out, and they’ll do what they have to make sure he’s alright, abilities or no. He’s trapped by fear of the unknown right now. Part of him knows the only way forward is telling them. But the vulnerability and consequences all scare him, so he’s curled up into a ball of avoidance. His battle right now is pushing past that.

Caleb got more out than he knows. Fjord needed to hear it, especially from Caleb, who Fjord is most afraid will abandon him. (TM for C2 Ep61 0:36:04) This’ll do a lot to help him tell them, hopefully before they learn the hard way.

2:05:41 Fjord: “Thank you for… I was gonna say caring.”

Caleb: “That’s accurate. Give me your hand. I am not a good person, but we are friends. We are friends.”

Fjord: “We are friends.”

Caleb: “Alright. To be continued.”

Scene runs: 1:56:49 to 2:06:07

1:56:49 Matt: “After the shopping is complete and, Fjord, you’ve completed a run of some of your work throughout the city, you return, open the door to your chambers, and Caleb is there patiently waiting.”

Fjord, startled: “Goddamnit.”

Caleb, holding up his hand in an easing gesture: “Sorry.”

Fjord: “Meant to put locks on this shit.”

Caleb: “Sorry. I can help you out with that if you wish.”

Fjord: “What can I- what can I do for ya?”

1:57:12 Caleb, breathing deeply: “Why have you been talking to us with a fake accent for months?”

Fjord, looking quizzical and concerned: “I’m sorry?”

Caleb: “I’ve heard you do it a few times. I’ve heard a different voice come out of you.”

Fjord: “A different voice.”

Caleb: “Yeah, Fjord, a different voice.”

Fjord, taking a deep breath and slightly laughing with confusion: “I’m, uh, I’m afraid you’ve got me a little lost.”

Caleb, firmly: “I don’t think so.”

Fjord frowns.

Caleb: “And I am talking to you as one accomplished liar to another.”

There’s a long pause. Fjord shifts uncomfortably.

1:57:55 Fjord: “What do you, uh, what do you want me to say here?”

1:58:01 Caleb: “I held onto my garbage for a long time, and you don’t know all of it, and I am willing to tell you more. I would feel better knowing who you are because I don’t trust that I do.

Caleb: “I will tell you more if you want. I will go first if it’ll make it easier for you or you consider it a better trade, but we have bound ourselves together, and I feel like I know this group pretty well. I know Yasha better than you and she never fucking says anything.”

Sam, whispering: “I love you Ashley.”

Quiet laughter.

Liam, whispering: “So do I.”

1:59:00 Caleb: “What do you think, we’re going to chase you out of here? Run you off?

Caleb: “I find it hard to believe that anything you would tell me, maybe I’m wrong, but is worse than what is inside my head.”

1:59:15 Fjord, downcast, shaking his head: “Oh no, I don’t think that’s it at all. It is not in me to speak about myself. It appears the same is true for you? I found myself reinvented when I woke up on that shore. When I wake up at night spitting up water, it’s reminders of a time when the rest of my life no longer mattered. Didn’t apply. I didn’t care for that life. Didn’t care for me. I prefer to leave it in the past. It’s not that I’m hiding anything from you, I… I don’t want to bring things from my old life into this one. I can sound like many people, do many things…”

2:00:53 Caleb: “Yeah, but it’s just been the one that I’ve heard when you think no one is listening. Is that your past?”

Fjord: “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

2:01:14 Caleb: “I have dealt heavily with my past. And I worry now more than ever that it is nipping at my heels. Do you have worries like that? Do you feel like your past will come back to bite you, or it is just painful, and you wish to shun it? Because that is the main reason I ask. This is our… family now, and we are looking out for each other, and I have told all of you something I am very ashamed of because I worry about you all. And maybe I just want to know that you are not worried about something like that as well. I want to know what’s at my back.”

2:02:11 Fjord, taking a deep breath and struggling for words: “You are right. You have been very forthcoming. I admire that, especially given what you’ve told us. There is nothing that nips at my heels or is at my back that is of danger to anyone else in this group. I appreciate you wanting to know more. I almost resent you for… telling us as much as you have. Anyone for sharing their pain.

Fjord: Seems like the last thing I would ever want to do, and to see it done with such… conviction? Resistance? I’ll try. Give me some time. I do not want to share this with the group. I feel like sometimes you hold onto things that make you who you are, and if you lose those things, you can fall free.”

2:03:44 Caleb: “I have had those same thoughts for a long time. We can remake ourselves into something better.”

2:04:00 Fjord: “Yeah, that’s what I- That’s what I thought I was doing. I promise you here and now: there is no danger from my past. I like this me. I love it. If I would have my way none of you would ever know anything about who I was before, and I mean that. I find myselves on my heels in this room. Please understand I am not trying to be deceptive. Just let me figure out how the fuck to say it, and let me come to you, and I will feel less like I have been… less like I’ve had something taken from me. Let me find a way to tell you. Please.”

Caleb: “Um… Alright. That’s fair. The only reason people in this group know anything about me is because I am… crazy.”

Fjord: “I actually don’t think you’re crazy. You’re one of the more put together people I know.”

Caleb softly, disbelievingly laughs.

2:05:33 Fjord: “Least that’s what I see. It’s what you show. Thank you for… I was gonna say caring.”

Caleb: “That’s accurate. Give me your hand. I am not a good person, but we are friends. We are friends.”

Fjord: “We are friends.”

Caleb: “Alright. To be continued.”

2:06:07

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[kachinnate]

as you all know, the only venting i ever post on here is reblogged subtle depression feels *sparkle emoji* or an explosion of all the shit that’s happened to me like every three months because i cannot take Any More under a read more 

the three month deadline has come now 

triggers below, check the tags please

this year has unabashedly been the worst year of my life. 

and that sounds dramatic, and i know i could have it worse, and maybe i’m being selfish because literally all the things that have happened this year have been all inner turmoils and i’ve literally had years where my family went through financial struggles + death and stuff and even that doesn’t compare to the emotional toll i’ve went through this year but it’s just. bad. it’s so bad. 

i don’t know how or why but my depression seemed to just fucking turn itself up 8 notches after january hit to the point where i had to tell my dad that i needed medical help lmao... and i got my first diagnosis, my first perscription.. and it didn’t work, so they upped the dosage, and that didn’t work, so now i’m on a new medicine which has a starting dosage of 150mg, and my doctor told me if this one didn’t work she’s going to refer me to a psychiatrist, and i must have looked so broken and on the verge of tears when she said this because she immediately had to reassure me that this wasn’t a failure on my own part, which logically makes sense right, but at the same time it’s just so?? fucking disheartening?? after months of my upper dosage not working i just cold turkeyed them until my next appointment which probably wasn’t the Best Thing because shortly following that i realized that i wanted to k*ll mys*lf more in a two week period than i’d have ever in my entire life, and i thought that suicide idealization was an issue i struggled with since forever, but boy howdy was i wrong because these past couple of weeks have been sooooooo fuckin bad lmao. like i struggle opening my medicine because sometimes i dump like all of it out and just. look at it. in my hand. i never actually do it because i’m way too scared of having a seizure or my dad doing something stupid if i were dead but what if. what if what if what if. it’s more of an intrusive thought than me planning on it, but. what if. my new medication has a specific warning that it’s dangerous for overdoses which is. genuinely kind of scary. what if. 

i realized that i don’t have anyone friendwise irl anymore over the course of this school year. to save you and myself the retelling of the most bullshit high school drama i’ve ever been apart of, i realized that all my friends in my Group (tm) couldn’t care any less about me than they already do. i’ve always adored them and loved them with all of my being, and yeah i am not endowed to their appreciation back i guess, but watching them slowly and gradually ditch me and exclude me and ignore me and go out of their way to show me that they don’t care about my existence has been the biggest fucking emotional blow. people outside of this group told me that they were awful people and bad for me and so incredibly toxic and guess what? i defended them and now the fact that i was wrong makes me want to tear my fucking guts out. i spent three whole years with these group of people only for them to decide in the past six months that i’m not worth it. i feel so fucking empty. one of those people was supposed to be my best friend of nine years. and i still fucking love him despite all of that, y’know? i love all of them even though they have made me sob every night over the latter course of a school year and feel unsafe in a club that i was once prominent in and that’s so bullshit and so unfair but it’s fine it’s whatever. and like, i should have seen it coming, because the build up was them treating me so fucking badly. it’s an ongoing joke that despite being rank 1 in my class, i’m.. an idiot? like it’s a joke that haha i’m short and haha i’m stupid and haha i can’t interact with people and i have debilitating anxiety and i make mistakes all the time and i’m the ditzy lesbian of our friend group, even when i express that i hate being called stupid but they just insist that they’re joking with me and that i’m too sensitive. i can count on one hand the amount of times they picked at me for my eating habits even though at least one of them knew i have a pretty bad ED. they picked and picked and picked at me and then when we have our first fight they all immediately fucking drop me, and i still love them and i still try to fix everything but suddenly i’m not worth the effort anymore. it’s draining. i’m so, so tired. outside of the toxic group(tm), anyone that was close to me as i friend (or otherwise) i ended up pushing away or drifting away from or fucking up the relationship on my own, and even if it’s ‘Okay’ on objective terms, to know that i fucked up something that was once really really nice and now i can’t even feel comfortable opening up a message first because i know i’ll get left on read or, even worse, have to read a one-sided, hardly caring/pitying conversation makes me just not want to bother at all. it’s so hard to reach out to the few people i know do kinda sorta care for me, but the fact that i’ve been absent for this long? it makes the few relationships i have strained and forced so i can’t even bring myself to put myself out there knowing that it’s only going to make me feel worse

working makes me?? so miserable ????? i worked at pizza hut up until the beginning of june and while i was good at it and i had friends there, i didn’t get paid enough so i had to quit. i started a new job. i fucking hate it. i actively dread going there. people refuse to train me or are incredibly fucking disrespectful/unfriendly to me if i ask for help or just don’t know how to do something. i feel bad ranting about it because every single person i’ve asked for advice from just says that i’ll get used to it or it’s in my head, which.... regardless of whether or not it is, making me feel like it’s my fault or that i’m being crazy makes me feel sooo fucking sick and like i’m actually insane. i heard it enough from my friends this year. i’m so tired of being blamed for things happening that, while they might be worsened by the anxiety in my head, it isn’t JUST THAT. sometimes things are just BAD but they’re not because I’M making them seem bad, they genuinely just are!!!! not everything is in my head !!!!! things can be upsetting with it being solely because i’m fucking anxious every moment of every fucking day !!!!! regardless i need money so i can’t quit but goddammit i hate every minute i’m not at my house. 

all in all, i just feel so, so fucking alone. i have friends on here, and i’m so thankful for them - i’m so grateful to every lovely message i’ve gotten on anon and i’m so thankful for my buds on discord and i’m so thankful for streams and my stream team and i’m so thankful for people who follow me for musicals or art and actively talk to me about them - but it’s just.. here. when i log off and step back from my computer, i’m just immediately fucking alone again. if i were to disappear one day, no one would know what happened to me or where i went, and eventually no one would even care, given that anyone even noticed my absence to begin with. i’m so replaceable. i’m literally just another fucking face on here. another cutesy musical blog ran by a very, very fucking dysfunction kid

anytime i’m shown any shred of kindness, i just. start sobbing. like i cannot even interact like a person, or hell, like the person i was a year ago. this girl i’d been talking to momentarily told me that for as much as i’m there for other people, i need someone that i can jsut lean on and have care about me, and like. i cried. so much. when was the last time i had that? when was the last time i just had someone, anyone just to be here for me? and again, not saying it in a way like i deserve that or am entitled to that, but god fucking damnit i haven’t just rant on and on or spilled my feelings to someone without worrying that they’d get upset with me or deflect it back onto themselves in so, so long. i just want someone to listen. i just want someone to care. 

and it’s who i try to be, all the time. the person that cares, the person that listens, and that just might be part of the problem. i say this all the time, and it’s a mantra and probably one of the main highlighted points that comes with my depression: i put so, so much out, so much energy and love and time, and i get almost nothing back. and it takes suuuuch a fucking toll. in such, it causes me to retreat and suddenly just cut people off or distance myself because i’m scared of letting myself get hurt again because the emotional turmoil i go through genuinely, genuinely almost fucking kills me every time. when that whole thing happened with my friend group, i went days without eating and just. wouldn’t talk. wouldn’t do anything other than school. because school is my safety, i can always rely on school, school will always be there - so i threw myself in school and overworked myself and overmaxed my credit hours and like. if i didn’t have that, if i didn’t have my classes, i really don’t know if i’d be here right now. and it sounds dramatic and i’m sorry, i hate it too, but it’s just the fucking truth.  but - yeah again, i’m the person that’s always there. that’s why i never fucking rant like this on here. i don’t want to be triggering, and i don’t want to cause people distress, and i want people who are having a hard time to see my blog and maybe feel a little bit better and feel happy and have fun. but in the end, this is the only place i have to scream out into the void because i genuinely don’t have a space to do that in real life anymore. nothing. there’s nothing else. 

i’ve always said that when i go to college, i’m just going to do a hard-reset and change up everything. reinvent myself. but sometimes i really don’t see myself getting out of this year alive, or at the very least in one piece. i’m already fucked in so many regards. i’m predestined to be an alcoholic. my brain is actively trying to fucking detonate itself. i’ve never been in love, and sometimes i worry that i never will be. i cry and cry and cry out, but i can’t get help. my solutions to problems is just working until i forget or sleeping until i forget or just finding an alternate way to fucking forget. everything that i’m looking forward to is so incredibly temporary or so short lived or so pathetically small in the grand scheme of things. i have to stay alive to see my AP scores on july 5th. i have to stay alive because i promised my friends i’d stream on this day. i have to stay alive because i promised addie i’d go see this show with her in september. but it’s not for me. it’s never for fucking me. i couldn’t care less. 

i’m not going to ever kill myself because i’m too scared of the pain or the symptoms that i’ll feel right up to it. but otherwise, i really don’t know why else i’m obligated to stay here. 

[readbythestarlight]

c2e62

Oh my god he’s starting the ad off actually talking about D&D Beyond??

"I have between 2-4 minutes every night to do whatever I want" a terrifying concept

Oh Sam. We made it 2 whole minutes without talking about genitals smh.

I’m so excited about them making a home here

I hope they post a picture with everyone’s rooms mapped out later

Caleb just using his cat’s paw to help Cad plant his garden

They’re all so cute and excited about the house (except maybe Fjord)

Wait he’s gonna grow his magic giant tree atop the tower???

Okay I love it, Cad and his giant tree atop his tower

Well now everyone knows where the weird heroes of the dynasty are living

Cad’s gonna just grow so much

Everyone else is decorating and Fjord’s worried about putting security shutters on the windows

He’s the only one not having fun with this, poor guy

AWWWW JESTER THAT’S SO SWEET

painting Yasha a pretty mural of flowers I cry

I’m having FEELINGS this is so SWEET

Caleb installing his own alarm system

Cad: "what this—" *leaves, buys copper* "there we go, chimes." :D

Ouch. That’s a 450 worth of gold, 250 if he has to do more than once

200g to keep his garden alive and sunshiny. Worth it.

Cad’s gonna make little fairy lights!

The neighbors are jealous of Cad’s fairy garden

AYYYYE finally working on the teleportation circle

Which.... makes me nervous because Yusah could easily trap them/hand them over to the Empire

LB, about the tree: "will it be like that all the time?"

F: "I think that’s how trees work, yeah."

—

L: with a Nat1 "I’m gonna go ask Fjord"

T: Nat20

Oh wait did he say Dark Tow?

"I’m fine" Fjord you’re a fucking LIAR

!!!!! Caleb put together the Alchemical lab for Yeza!!!!

Oh my god all I want now is Yeza and Luke and Veth living in a house with the M9 and they

Oh no

The letter

Fuck

Forgot about the letter

Oh no

I don’t think they said anything about money and inheritance did they?? And they mentioned Caleb’s name didn’t they?? Fuck I can’t remember what they said

OH HOLY SHIT IT’S FROM CALIANA

Gotta go back soon

Oh shit it’s from Solstrice fuck

Oh god they put their names

SOMEONE FIND ME THE CLIP FROM THAT LETTER

Yes god plz message mom and make sure she’s okay and warn her about anyone named Astrid or Ikathon

FUCK god what will this do to Jester and Caleb if they’re watching her or if they take her

These people have already hurt Nott’s family and now they could hurt Jester’s too and Caleb’s gonna feel so bad

N: "I just wanted you to have a friend."

C: "I have friends."

N: "Well you didn’t then."

IM HAVING FEELINGS AND IM SCARED

Caleb’s real jittery now

Mmmm given that you haven’t confirmed no bugs we shouldn’t be talking about Dairon maybe

While Caleb and Nott or Caleb and Beau are having serious conversations, the clerics are planning to build a spa xD

Boy I can’t wait for Caleb to corner Fjord I hope he gets something out of him

Caleb just whips that medallion out any time, like he has that thing ready

THAT’S SO MUCH GOLD WTF

Ohhhh I physically hurt

1000g that they could lose

I hope they call the house the Treehouse from now on

Ayyyy Essik!

B: "do you want to stay for dinner?"

Me: do you want to stay forever?

Ohhhh I didn’t catch that they took their surenames from the dens

"Show me"

Oh gosh

Caleb honey the cat? Really?

C: "My people are perverting your magic. I wish to understand better, so that I can better help."

E: "Are you busy right now" WHAT

E: "May I?"

B: "I invited you twice but yeah yeah enter."

They’re HOSTING

This feels like a trap

Like that’s as too easy right?? He only rolled a 12

"Let me teach you a few things"

OH MY GOD

WHAT

UP TO 3 SPELL LEVELS OF DUNEMANTIC MAGIC?!??

WHAT

FUCKING

WHAT

It’s a trap right it’s gotta be a trap

"Bending of fate, destiny" the whole table freaks out

Fucking

This is gonna be a trick it’s gotta be a trick

Frick guys I’m so in love with Essik

B: "Caduceus calls it a ‘White Xhorhassian’—"

E: "...Mildly racist, but..."

God I hope that wasn’t some sort of trick or trap for Caleb

Fjord and Caleb talk now oh boy

OHHH SHIT WAY TO LEAD IN CALEB

Why you lyin’ Fjord why you always lyin’?

Caleb’s trying to... help?

Boy remember when I felt like Fjord and Caleb were gonna be the bro’s

"What do you think, we’re gonna chase you out of here, run you off?"

YES THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE THINKS

"I found myself reinvented when I woke up on that shore"

"I didn’t care for that life, didn’t care for me. I prefer to leave it in the past. It’s not that I’m hiding anything from you, I... I don’t wanna bring things from my old life into this one. I can sound like many people, do many things."

God why do so many people in this group have pasts they need to hide from???

They’re both so scared the past is gonna swallow them up, hurt them and the people around them

C: "Because I worry about you all. And maybe I just want to know that you... are not worried about that as well."

F: "There is nothing that nips at my heels or at my back that is a danger to anyone else in this group." BUT IT’S A DANGER TO YOU FJORD AND THAT WILL MATTER TO THEM.

This talk is hurting me

C: "We can remake ourselves into something better."

F: "Yeah, I... that’s what I thought I was doin’. I can promise there is no danger from my past. I like this me, I love it."

God I’m so sorry that I ever suspected Fjord because I feel like a heel now

Caleb, trust him and don’t push. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.

C: "The only reason the group knows about me is because I am... Crazy"

F: "I don’t think you’re crazy, you’re one of the more out together people I know. At least that’s what you show. Thank you for... I want to say caring."

C: "That is accurate. Give me your hand. I am not a good person, but we are friends."

Also who else is crying because Caleb called them family

Also "give me your hand" slayed me I’m such trash for casual touches especially in a non-romantic sense

Perception check why

Back to the sword good good good

I thought for sure he was gonna say her hair was gonna start falling out

J: "By the second day it’s starting to turn greasy."

C: "My how the tables have turned."

Poor Sprinkle :(

Making a weasel nest in the tree

POOR SPRINKLE

"The big bad has been revealed" xD

"You throw some rats in there—" Taliein is dying of laughter

Sprinkle is going to run away

Guys Bryce is a town guard they don’t have time to just personally escort Luke and his guardian

They definitely need to get back to Luke, but it’s going to be hard to do at this point

Mmm Caleb wanting to ask Essik to get them to Alfield

Call me crazy, I wonder if they could ask the Gentleman for help

Or like, Cali or Keg or one of their friends

LIKE SHAKASTE

THAT’S RIGHT good thinking Nott! He’s not in Alfield probably I imagine, since y’all last saw him up near Shady Creek Run, but he would def help I’m positive and then he could guest star again

I feel like robbing a shop is probably not the best idea right now? Like even if they have a good reason I don’t think it’s the best plan

F: "Moro I don’t know how to say this but I... need you."

Oh my god FJORD xD

The glow is gonna be something stupid and pointless

The glow is something alive?? Someone invisible?

Hmmm interesting

"Oh my god it’s a front"

Of course they found drugs

Oh dang ground white stone. 1000g enchanting??

Okay so can they use it to help pay for Yasha’s thing?

Okay why does she have enchanting dust

In a place where an Empire spy is supposed to go

Ohhhhh they got a map!! New map new map!

Gonna lie I don’t like the idea of M.T. House. It’s nice to remember Molly but... idk

AYYYY GETTING IN TOUCH WITH SHAKASTE

We had so better get Shakaste back on the show!!

Please please please bring Khary back!

Oh dang yes the scrying worked!

Oh boy

"My liege"

If they choose to tell the Dynasty about this they’ll 100% be traitors, once and for all

Which like... I’m okay with. I don’t have any preference for the Empire and I like things about the Dynasty.

Scourgers...

Royal assassins

"My liege" is the King isn’t it

I really think they need to tell the Bright Queen

B: "Were they training you to be a scourger?"

C: "I think so." holy shit

God what if Astrid and whatshi are scourgers already

Have I mentioned how amazing Matt is to come up with all this and connect all these threads

Mmm Cad and Jester being a voice of reason

Cad: "Some things are too big to get on top of. Some things are bigger than us."

Cad’s being smart. They need to give a warning, not try to also control the situation.

Go immediately.

Where’s that whole thing coming from, Caleb? There’s really no reason to get that involved. Just like tell them what’s coming, that’s all you have to do. Listen, Caduceus is right.

Poor Beau

She’s kinda been stuck in a corner where she has to betray a homeland she’s not that fond of, but she is fond of Dairon

Oh gosh, Beau. :(

This is such a good moment for her, realizing that people are people wherever they are, that she doesn’t want to betray the people in the Empire, as little as she cares about the Empire itself

She’s not gonna slit your throat honey it’s fine

Boy next week is gonna be really intense again

[dearmyblank]

Dear Blank,

If you’ve taught me one thing it’s to never regret anything I do this first year at university but just to live and love every moment to the fullest and learn from the things that seem like mistakes. The only mistake I made this year that mattered was not giving you a chance earlier.

At the time I was in a new city with thousands of new people, hoping to reinvent myself - and for the first time in my life I found that some people found me attractive. This was a shock to me then who still saw herself as unlovable, unlikable even, and as the fat ugly girl with the shit personality.

I was still too nervous to meet anyone and maybe that was for a reason- I often wonder whether we would have just beat and never spoken again, or whether the shell of myself would have even been worth pursuing more with. I was exploring. Growing in confidence. And rebelling. And these were some of the best things I ever did which made me make some of the best mistakes I ever did. My confidence grew and I finally realised that there were boys on this earth who wanted to know me; and even if it was just about sex, I finally realised I was worth something.

I have memories of all the guys I’ve encountered this year; some good, some bad, some make me angry and others make me piss laughing. But one stands out; one was never using me, one showed respect that I’ve never been shown, one challenged me to be a better person, one became more than just someone I fuck- you, you became one of my best friends.

From the first time we met I was the most pure form of myself that I’ve ever been with anyone- even my friends, I didn’t need to impress you or present myself a certain way- I could just be me. And be liked for it.

But I’m a girl and we want what we know we shouldn’t have. I fucked you over, massively. I was a prick. I kidded myself that I was justified because I started speaking to him first but I wasnt. Now looking back, I’m so thankful that he said those awful things to me because it scares me to think I might have let you go so that I could mess around with the most toxic person I’ve ever met.

I always knew our days were numbered, and so for a long time I didnt let myself like you for fear of being hurt or rejected. So when I took it too far and beat after that night out- I realised, by trying to stop you from hurting me, I had ended up hurting myself so much more. I’m sorry; sorry for not being more open with you before, sorry for not setting boundaries and I’m sorry for not trusting you with my feelings. But most of all, thank you, for forgiving me, not once, but twice. I became the person I always feared; someone I thought could only be a guy, the fuck over.

I’m glad we have our arguments; if we didn’t I think it would mean that one or maybe both of us would be compromising expressing our thoughts or feelings to avoid confrontation. But we don’t, we piss each other off and pull each other up on it, we offend each other and apologise whilst still being as stubborn as each other. And I love it, because its moments like those where you challenge my ways and opinions and where I have learnt so much this past 6 months.

6 months. Thats roughly how long we’ve been talking EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. My friends ask me how Im not sick of you and honestly I do not know. I think the answer is that we are both as annoying as each other.

I’m glad we never put a label on what we are, it meant there’s never been any pressure to do things a certain way or follow norms. But I do have some wishes; I wish we’d gone out sometimes- not even to label it as dates but because I think we would have had such a fun time together, I wish we’d spoken about feelings more because I think it could have prevented hurt on both sides, I wish I’d been brave enough to tell you that I liked you. Some of the things I wish for, neither of us could have changed. I wish we would have had more time together, more nights of you holding me. I wish I knew where you were going to be next year. I wish our time wasn’t limited to this. I wish I met you a long time ago. I wish we had another year to spend together.

I’m not in love with you so don’t shit yourself, but I do love you blank - more than you will ever know. I don’t expect you to love or even like me back, that was part of the beauty of what we had- no expectations to live up to. But I could’t let this end before being honest with you.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you as you enter this next stage of your life, and I’m genuinely excited to see the things I know you will go on to achieve. I will continue to pray for you as our lives go on without each other and I trust that God has a plan for both of our lives. I know that as the amazing man you are, you will meet a beautiful girl and your days wont be numbered like ours were. I can only hope that she will love and appreciate you unconditionally, make sure you look after her.

Who knows? Maybe our paths will meet again, but for now, it’s goodbye. I wish you all the happiness in the world.