#I want to assert a boundary and hold my ground but also not attack her

[nickyhemmick]

guys my roommate and I don’t speak rn but she sent me a text that honestly boiled my blood sm (out of context it’s normal but with context it’s not) anyways I want to respond but I want to say it respectfully cuz ik she’ll cause drama if one word is out of place will someone proof read my text and lmk if it’s good lol

[timeagainreviews]

Are you there Xoanon? It’s me, Leela.

At the time of writing this article, many of you will have in your possession the season 14 Blu-Ray box set for Doctor Who. Within it are classics like "The Deadly Assassin," "The Robots of Death," and the controversial, but still much loved "The Talons of Weng-Chiang." However, today I would like to talk about an often overlooked gem in the form of "The Face of Evil." While the serial does introduce the companion Leela and showcases some classic Fourth Doctor moments, it has also received a fair bit of ire from certain fans over the years. I’ve found myself defending it in the past, to people whose opinions I value. My hope is that by the end of this review, some of you may come away with a new appreciation for what is one of my favourite classic Doctor Who stories.

For a little bit of background, when devising the character of Leela, producer Philip Hinchcliffe and script editor Robert Holmes were looking to do something new with the companion. They wanted a female lead that could also do heroics. The initial concept for Leela was a mix of Eliza Doolittle, Emma Peel,  and Loana from "One Million Years B.C." The decision to make the companion more of an action star was one that was met with resistance from Tom Baker, who in this humble writer’s opinion would have been happiest acting alongside a sock puppet. While he claimed not to like the violence of Leela, I often wonder if it wasn’t because such a dashing co-star would pull focus from the main event- the Doctor.

The writer tasked with bringing Leela to life was Chris Boucher, an avowed atheist. And remember this fact, as it will remain relevant throughout this entire review. Right away, Boucher’s knack for comprehensive dialogue is laid out as we meet Leela, a young tribal woman, being cast out by the rest of her tribe, the Sevateem, for heresy. However, it is her own father that offers to take her place in the "test." Leela’s tone changes from defiance to pleas of mercy for the life of her feeble, but proud father. Right away we’re struck with a series of science fiction tropes, and it’s one wonderful pulpy delight after another. Also telling is the presence of anachronistic technology. Such as the gasket turned into a chest-piece adorning the tribe’s local zealot and shaman- Neeva.

In his element, the Doctor arrives at this frontier world by himself. However, as much as Baker would have relished travelling solo, it becomes immediately apparent why this would be a bad idea. Having no companion to sound off with, he resorts to directing his comments toward you and I, the audience. While I love the Fourth Doctor and his penchant for breaking the fourth wall, it’s not a sustainable recipe for good storytelling. The Doctor needs a companion, if for no other reason than to have someone to explain the plot to.

The Doctor walks through this wilderness without a care in the world as little critters scurry past in a Star Wars or Dark Crystal fashion. It reminded me of moments like when the First Doctor and his companions come across petrified creatures on the surface of Skaro. I wish modern Doctor Who would do more of this- tiny creatures that have no greater bearing on the storyline other than world-building. Leela, having been exiled finds herself walking deep into the jungle. However, it seems that exile wasn’t enough, as she soon finds herself being hunted by her former tribesmen. It would appear that allowing her form of heresy to live is not something Neeva, or his god "Xoanon," are willing to let happen.

Leela dispatches one of her would-be assassins, while another is taken care of by a sympathetic friend named Tomas, who followed the killers after overhearing Neeva’s scheme. While they never touch on it, I wonder if Tomas didn’t have feelings for Leela. It would make sense as she is fierce, intelligent, beautiful, and around the same age as him. Had things gone differently, perhaps they could have had a life together. However, Leela is past the point of no return, and his boyish crush. She pridefully tells him to turn back but warns him not to trust Calib, a man she sees as having more ambition than sense.

Leela walks past what is known by the Sevateem as a great protective barrier. Finding herself pursued by invisible monsters, she runs for her life but falls to the ground at the feet of a man unknown to her. Upon following her gaze up to the feet’s owner, she is shocked and terrified to see the Doctor, a face she of which she is surprisingly familiar.  Despite the fact that the Doctor resembles the "Evil One," the Sevateem’s own version of Satan, Leela doesn’t know what to make of his friendly demeanour. This is a moment of great internal conflict for her as only a few scenes ago she was telling her tribal leaders that their god Xoanon was a lie. Now here she stands, looking the devil in the face and he’s offering her sweets.

I’ve always maintained that the story arc for Leela is one of atheism but in the most Doctor Who of manners. Much in the same way that the Doctor will go into a haunted house and prove that it’s actually an ancient alien force, the show has widely maintained the stance that the spiritual is just science we don’t yet understand. Leela’s first lesson comes in the form of the Doctor deftly dealing with their invisible predator. After discovering that a protective boundary is a machine that projects a sonic disruption, the Doctor deduces that the creatures must be blind and sense things by vibration. Using an egg timer, the Doctor distracts the monsters, while he and Leela make a break for it. It’s a great special effect, as even now I can’t figure out how they managed to crush a clock with what looks like nothing.

Back with the tribe, we learn that Neeva speaks with Xoanon through a transmitter that he believes is a magic relic that allows only the holiest to speak to God. Xoanon commands Neeva to go to war with their enemies the Tesh. But the chief of the Sevateem, Andor, wonders why their God would have them go into battle on empty stomachs. A reasonable concern which is met by Neeva’s assertion that Xoanon will feed those of true faith. The tribe gears up for war, but on their way past the boundary, discover the Doctor.

The men shoot a couple of warning shots across the Doctor’s brow, embedding themselves into a tree. While the men deal with the fact that they are now looking eye to eye with their version of the Devil, Leela slips away. Upon seeing the Doctor, the men do a sort of "Sign of the Cross," gesture with their hands touching their neck, their shoulder and their waist. The Doctor notes this is interesting as it’s also the method one would use to check the seals on a spacesuit. Using his newfound infamy to his advantage, the Doctor holds one of the tribesmen hostages with a "deadly," Jelly Baby. But the men call his bluff and the Doctor is taken to meet Neeva and Andor.

Seeing this as an opportunity to prove their faith, Neeva declares they should kill the Doctor without haste. However, Calib, an atheist in his own right, sees this as an opportunity to make Neeva look bad in front of the whole tribe. He suggests they put the Doctor through the "test." Knowing that if the Doctor dies, it will prove that he wasn’t a god, and if he lives, Neeva will look just as bad, as the belief is that only mortals can survive the test.

Knowing her father to have died from this test, an eavesdropping Leela sneaks her way in to stop the Doctor from being killed. Leela uses local Janis thorns on one of the captors, paralysing him in a rigid posture with no hope of revival. The Doctor is appalled by this and commands her never to use Janis thorns ever again. After making a break for it, the Doctor and Leela make it past the boundary where the Doctor learns why his face is so infamous. Out across the horizon sits a giant mountain with his own visage carved into its precipice.

Meanwhile, the rest of the warriors continue toward the mountain for their attack. I was genuinely surprised as I had never noticed the inclusion of a single female warrior with black braids in her hair. Initially, I had thought Leela was the only female in the entire story, but there comes braids looking like a badass. I instantly want to know more about her and to see her in extended media. Sadly, braids and a bunch of other Sevateem are cut down by beams of light before they can meet the impenetrable time barrier. Clearly, something about this was a trap put on by Xoanon, but why?

The Doctor decides that the only way to understand what is happening is by going back to the tribe, despite the death sentence. Upon returning, most of the camp is still deserted, allowing him and Leela a chance to snoop around. Upon discovering the room of "relics," kept by Neeva, the Doctor reveals them to be nothing more than the scientific instruments of the human colonists from whom the Sevateem and Tesh descend. The Doctor finds the helmet Neeva uses to speak to Xoanon and realises that Xoanon speaks with his own voice. Furthermore, Xoanon seems to think the Doctor and he are one.

Being one of the first to return from battle, Calib discovers the Doctor and Leela. Afraid they will ruin his plans to make Neeva look a fool, he poisons Leela with a Janis thorn. With little time, the Doctor demonstrates to Calib that the equipment they've been worshipping for years is actually capable or analysing and concocting a cure for Janis thorn poison. Leela is revived but slightly incapacitated, which makes her and the Doctor easy to capture when more, including Neeva, return from battle.

Now, remember the little critter I mentioned earlier? Well, it would appear that they're a carnivorous bunch known as the horda. Much like piranhas, they are able to strip a body of its flesh when in large numbers. The Doctor is made to stand above a pit of them while a rock tied to a rope slowly lowers, opening the pit more and more with every inch. Leela tries to give the Doctor a pointer, which causes one of the Sevateem to strike her. The Doctor's response is to kick a horda at him which causes him to run in fear. I mention this because any time the Doctor is violent is cause to pause.

One of the things I find irritating with modern Doctor Who is the insistence that the Doctor is never violent. The Third Doctor used Venusian Aikido. The Fourth Doctor practically breaks a guy's neck in "The Seeds of Doom." Hell, even in modern Doctor Who we see it. Like when the Ninth Doctor punched that guy, or when the Twelfth Doctor punched that guy. Or how about the Eleventh Doctor teleporting a bomb onto Solomon's ship in "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship," written by Chris "I don't understand the Doctor's morality" Chibnall? My point is, that the Doctor isn't violent unless he needs to be. The Doctor is non-violent up until the point where either A) it's the only option left, or B) he's mad. In this case, it's B, he's mad.

What does it mean that the Doctor chose this moment to break his rule? I would venture to say he was punishing unnecessary cruelty in kind. But think even more about the theme of the episode. At this moment, the Doctor's morality isn't what's in question, it's his mortality. It's as if Boucher is taking this moment to compare the actions of a man to the expectations of a god. Before the Doctor shoots the rope with perfect precision, he's revealed himself to be a person subject to the whims of his own emotions. In this way, Boucher is asking the viewer to look at the vengeful nature of our own gods and to see the inherent humanity entangled within. Or in the Doctor's own words- "You can't expect perfection, even from me!"

With the Doctor somewhat exonerated by being able to pass this asinine test, he is given a bit more freedom to move about. But this doesn't mean an end to the unrest. The Doctor reveals that the Sevateem are actually descendants of a survey team (creating a portmanteau), and heads back to the mountain to discover the secrets of the Tesh. Meanwhile, Xoanon removes the barrier surrounding the Sevateem, allowing the invisible creatures free roam to terrorise the simple tribe. The Sevateem are quickly overtaken by invisible beings, which kill Andor and many others. The Doctor takes his leave to climb up the mountain into his own face.

The Doctor discovers a spacesuited man within the mouth of the carving. He also discovers a derelict rocket for the Mordee expedition. It's about this time that the Doctor begins to remember having come to this planet in the past. In an attempt to fix the AI, Xoanon, the Doctor linked his mind. Only instead of repairing it, he created a duality that drove the AI to madness. Thus creating a desire in Xoanon to reconcile these two aspects in itself. Its solution for this quandary was to influence the two groups of humans into two very different evolutions and see who would come out on top. The primitive yet cunning Sevateem, or the brilliant yet passionless Tesh?

At this point, the story takes a somewhat extreme turn as the Tesh are found to be rather advanced in every way by comparison to the Sevateem. The Tesh, being descendants of the technicians of the colonists, are more intelligent. They dress like the Great Gazoo if he went through a harlequin phase. They caper and cavort about in an almost jovial sense, but their belief in Xoanon is no less zealous than their primitive counterparts. They seem peaceful at first until the Doctor discovers they plan to atomise Leela. After showing his disapproval, the Tesh turn on the Doctor, subduing him with their mental powers which looks a lot like staring super hard at the guy until he collapses.

I absolutely love that with two reviews in a row I'm able to talk about two separate James Bond type laser scenes where our heroes are incapacitated in some way and are forced to escape the laser with a mirror. This isn't me calling out the show for overusing a trope. There were eleven years between these two episodes, and it's completely by chance that I decided to review them back to back, but how funny is that? And their titles both have to do with faces! I swear I didn't plan this.

As I said, the Doctor and Leela escape with a simple mirror. The Doctor uses the technology to imitate Xonanon and communicate with Neeva. However, Neeva surprises the Doctor when he calls the Doctor by name, showing that even the most fanatical is not so forgone as to be unreachable. The Doctor tells Neeva to instruct Calib to lead the men to the mouth of the mountain where the invisible beings cannot reach. Soon, the Doctor and Leela find themselves running from the Tesh through corridors. It's classic Doctor Who with the bad guys giving chase through endless corridors which are actually the same corridor. After a scuffle, the Doctor once more is forced to use violence as one of the Tesh comes at him and gets kicked into an electrified wall. The Doctor notes that the man appeared to be hypnotised, as if under the influence of Xoanon.

Leela is given a laser gun to fight off the Tesh, which I find to be the perfect metaphor for this entire story. The cave girl gives up her crossbow for a laser gun. It is as if her transition from a primitive to the scientist is coming full circle. It's as though she is claiming the birthright of her ancestors. She's gone from a person questioning her faith, to a person functioning within this new paradigm. Even though she still finds herself cowering when she hears the supposed voice of God, her confidence is growing. 

Leela continues trading fire with the Tesh, while the Doctor seeks out Xoanon within the "Sacred Heart," a large computer complex. An array of large screens project the Doctor's face. But as the Doctor enters the room, Xonanon experiences an identity crisis, causing it to repeat the question "Who am I?" The panic creates a psychic assault on the Doctor, causing him to drop to the ground. As the question repeats, Xoanon's voice fluctuates between the Doctor, a man, a woman, and a child. The child's voice is a particularly chilling juxtaposition with the Doctor's frantic orange face screaming in a panicked frenzy. Fun fact: the child's voice is provided by Anthony Frieze who won a competition at his local school to be in the episode. For a kid that won a contest, it's surprising how much he nailed that take. It's quite easily one of the most effective moments in the entire serial.

The fourth episode of this serial is easily one of the weakest as it degenerates into a lot of your common science fiction tropes. As I said, once they enter the mountain, the tone of the entire story shifts. This is really my biggest criticism of the entire story. But it's also a bit of a further metaphor for the whole atheism argument. Man leaves the primitive world into the world of technology. But with false gods present, man still struggles to find an identity beyond their god. In their own way, the Tesh are no more advanced than the Sevateem. It would appear that Xoanon's little experiment in eugenics was all a bust.

The Sevateem arrive and fight back the Tesh. They also bring the Tesh's weapons into the fight against the invisible monsters, which turn out to be manifestations of Xonanon's id. This explains why the one time we do see them, they just look like a giant apparition of the Doctor's face. Having saved the Doctor from Xoanon's psychic assault, Leela and the Doctor continue trying to stop Xoanon. Because of this, Xoanon, in a last-ditch effort to stop the Doctor, takes over Leela and the rest of the Sevateem to kill the Doctor. However, having been broken from his own religious spell, the unlikeliest of heroes appears in the form of Neeva. Neeva shoots Xoanon long enough to stop the link and save the Doctor but loses his own life in the process.

The Doctor finally repairs Xoanon but gets knocked unconscious in doing so. Upon waking, he discovers he had been out cold for two whole days. A casual Leela sits beside him eating chocolate in peace. The Doctor assumes this means his plan worked and that Xoanon was stopped. The Tesh and the Sevateem are living together in a sort of shaky truce. The invisible monsters are gone, and Xoanon is now at peace. To prove so, Xoanon offers the Tesh and Sevateem the option to destroy it at the push of a button. They discuss needing new leadership and decide Calib is not the right man. Instead, the people (see: Tomas) want Leela to lead. However, Leela turns down the offer to travel with the Doctor, much to his chagrin. Leela has seen enough of this primitive planet. It's time to see the stars.

If you can't tell by now, the aspect I liked so much about this story was its delving into atheism and theology. It may seem like a heavy subject, but at its core, it's something that represents the show as a whole. The perspective that all problems, at their core, can be met with logic and reason. Furthermore, I greatly admire the way in which they continue this story arc for Leela over the remainder of her tenure as a companion. This idea of a woman raised out of ignorance into the realm of greater knowledge continues to build in her character until she becomes someone capable of living among the Time Lords themselves.

That is not to say this serial is not without its faults. For some, it may not be a fascinating storyline. They may not be as enthralled by its themes as I was. Which is fair. There are also some silly moments, such as the invisible monsters leaving footprints, despite being the projections of a giant head. The use of the word savage is also a bit dated, as is the whole concept of the "noble savage." Also, Xoanon got off a bit light. It was like at the end of The Dark Crystal when urSkeks leave like "Peace out, sorry about all the genociiiiide..." What kind of society are the Doctor and Leela leaving behind? Can the Tesh and Sevateem find common ground, or will it be war in perpetuity?

Truth be told, I rather like that it ends on a bit of an open-ended question. I don't believe it's always the Doctor's job to handhold and change the diapers of every developing society. The most the Doctor can hope for is that things have found some sort of balance, free from meddling or outside influence like aliens, robots, or in this case, himself. Furthermore, I love the concept of the Doctor taking a companion on reluctantly. It's almost a form of penance for the Doctor. You created this madwoman with a knife and Janis thorns, and now you've got to tote her around the universe. In many ways, I find Leela very sympathetic. Having come from a religious background, I know the struggles inherent in losing faith, how it shakes your foundation. This type of representation happens so seldom in fiction, and it's rarely a positive thing.

"I too used to believe in magic, but the Doctor taught me about science. It is better to believe in science." –Leela, from "The Horror of Fang Rock"

[hollowsentinel]

NaNoWriMo Day 14

I think I can safely say I won't make the 50k words this year.

Also, no way am I padding my numbers with out of doc stuff so bleh. Also, I forgot to fill a section with real words instead of notes. Oops.

Sanguine Mourning: 10,781/23,338 ([10,853-72]/[Day*1,667]).

Greet the Phoenix's Successor

(prev)

“It’s my domain,” Pasil asserted before a yawn stole away her fire. Banur trailed behind her, glaring daggers into Gamma’s silhouette. Even without her earlier vigor, she said, “It’s only right for me to be close at hand to reclaim what’s mine once you’re done, And it’ll be nice to give everyone something nice to wake up to.”

Gamma hummed a note of acknowledgement. “Spoken as true as any just god.” He slowed his pace as he reached a flat landing, a break in the path up. As he shed his cloak and knelt down, he called back, “What about you Terr Nurui? What could you possibly want to be here for?”

The earth spirit watched as Gamma bent down, bowing at the temple above them. “I’m here to witness your idiocy, judge this upstart, and see if—” A bout of coughs interrupted her. “See if there’s another way to deal with that,” Nurui rasped. “At the least, I’ll greet this Rhamos. At worst, I’ll slay him when you fall.”

“Sipas?” Gamma prompted as he rose from his bow. “What about you? You could have rested with Lagoht. Why come along?”

The girl scuffed the ground as everyone else turned to look at her. “I don’t have anywhere to go, and I thought you might like the support,” Sipas offered in a soft voice. “And, it sounds like Pyrr Rhamos isn’t a good god.” Her grip tightened around the canteen she borrowed from the guards. “I was taught that unjust gods need to be rebuked at every turn so...”

“Who taught you that?” Banur asked.

“Aurr Osilo.” Chills ran down everyone’s spine as memories of the extinguished spirit washed over them. Nurui and Pasil bowed their heads. Banur muttered a prayer. “She…” Sipas hesitated. “She believed it with all her heart. It only seems right to carry on her lessons.”

“May she live on in the lessons you share and the actions you take,” Gamma intoned. He sighed and beckoned Sipas nearer. “Did she teach you to pay respects? I admit, these are idle ones, but better to have honored an undeserving god than ignore one that does.”

Sipas nodded as she joined Gamma at the head of their procession. The motions stilled her swelling emotions. It made her forget her fatigue and the ache of their ascent. Gamma led the way, teaching her the quirks of this ritual and their mundane interpretation as they marched on, and before she knew it, they arrived at the brazier awaiting them at the summit.

By now, the sun colored the sky and light just barely graced the spire at the top of the temple. Burnt ground and gouges in the ground marked the grounds off of the paved path up to the structure’s main doors. A snapped pillar obstructed the way forward. Blackened foliage obscured a ruined rock garden off to the side. Its contents blasted out of its boundaries.

“What an ugly sight,” Nurui commented as she surveyed the temple. She raised a brow when she found Pasil staring aghast at the garden. “What’s wrong? Was there something special about your garden?” When the younger spirit shook her head, Nurui frowned. “Then what’s wrong? The sand—”

“It’s supposed to be gravel— red gravel,” Pasil whispered. Nurui’s brow pinched together as she squinted at the thick, white mess in the garden. “I think those might be ashes.” Sipas uncorked her canteen with a pop. “I need— I need a moment.”

Banur held Pasil as she shivered in at the desecration, not just of what was rightfully hers, but also the remains of loved ones that her people interred and trusted her to protect. Whatever good Rhamos could do, or claimed to do, would not outweigh what she saw now. Nurui and Sipas gave her the space she needed, warming themselves by the dying fire in the brazier. Gamma paused his approach to the temple.

Pasil’s moment passed, but before she could say so, the temple doors burst outward. Gamma twisted and fell to the ground. Banur and Nurui shielded Pasil and Sipas from the wave of fine fragments. Dust billowed out and framed a spirit as he marched out.

“You’re late, heretic,” he stated. Fire danced around one hand and began to lace its way over the whip he dragged along. “Ah, but you’ve brought me the raiders, the false god, and another heretic.” He chuckled as he walked forward. “I mean, I guess I could forgive you, especially since you’re dead now, but naw, you get to rot like the rest.”

“Don’t you dare, Rhamos!” Pasil screamed as the spirit raised his whip. The brazier, once dying, flared to life as she rounded Banur and ran to intercept him. A gesture twisted the flames and dragged them with her. “You—” The whip cracked and dust and specks of stone peppered Pasil. “No!”

“Did you think you could stop me?” Rhamos cackled. A burst of fire pushed the smoke around him past Pasil. “The stupid fleshbag didn’t even leave any remains.” More laughter spilled out when the little girl gaped at the crater between them. “That’s a shame. I wanted to eat him the way I ate your faithful.”

A gunshot ripped through Rhamos’ hand, dropping his whip to the ground as he screamed. Gamma hacked up a glob of phlegm and dust as the cloud finally dispersed. Pasil stared at his bloody, splinter-filled side as he set his revolver down and marched up to the man who would have happily killed him. He tried to say something, but between the curse and the dust he breathed, all that came out were coughs and broken syllables.

“You! I’ll end you!” Rhamos screamed as he cradled his mangled hand. Gout of fire burst into existence around him. One shot toward Gamma, but flickered out before it could burn him. “No one fights me and—”

A boot to the face shut Rhamos up. Blood spilled from his lips as he let out a choked cry of anguish. “Not fighting,” Gamma coughed. “Divine punishment.” At that, he kicked Rhamos again, knocking him off his feet and onto the ground. Gamma stomped on Rhamos’ already ruined hand and ground it under his heel. “Dousing.”

Fire shot up at Gamma. It did nothing to save Rhamos as Gamma stamped out the heat and stomped on him with reckless abandon. “Mercy!” Rhamos cried as he desperately tried to shield himself from Gamma’s attack. “I’ll repent! I’ll tell you of the other Blooded! Just please stop!”

Gamma’s attack took a pause as he considered Rhamos. A blast of heat flung him away. “Come here, you little ember!” Rhamos shouted as he clawed his way toward Pasil. Sipas cut him off, flying at him feet-first. His nose broke on impact, but he caught hold of the girl before she could skitter away, “You know what? You’ll do.”

“Not today!” Sipas snapped. She hurled her borrowed canteen at Rhamos’ face. It bounced off and splattered a meager amount of water on him, buying her a moment as he summoned blue flames. She kicked at him as best she could. “You won’t have me!”

Ashes fell on them. They choked Rhamos’ fire and obscured him from Sipas’ eyes. Gamma’s heel crashed down where Rhamos’ head had been. There was no mistaking the sound of cracking bone or the blossoming pool of blood. Sipas skittered away and watched as Gamma stamped through the pile of bloodied ashes until the color, and Rhamos, faded away.

For a few breaths, no one spoke. Ashes settled as Gamma caught his breath. The world rumbled as it reclaimed the energy that Rhamos once held. Banur struggled to pick out the splinters that peppered him. Then Nurui broke the quiet.

“You should have doused him while he was begging,” she said. Gamma rolled his eyes. “Blooded are beyond forgiveness. Only death can absolve them.” He waved her off and began to pick at his splinters. “It’s practically Raei Daevi’s highest command! Why hesitate?”

“Because I wanted to know how far the corruption has spread,” Gamma sighed. Before Nurui could snap at him, he turned to Pasil. “Are you alright, Hatchling?” She took a moment to respond, struggling to come to terms with what she witnessed and the ashes piles before her. At her nod, Gamma spared a glance at Sipas. “Runner?”

Sipas withdrew her leg from the ashes and brushed at the ankle Rhamos had burned. No mark marred her skin or showed where blue flames had held her. “I think I’m fine,” she shivered. She tried to stand, but she lacked the strength to do more than sit up. “I’ll be fine,” she corrected. “Just, let me have a minute.”

“Take your time. We’re not in a rush,” Gamma stated.

Restore the Fire

[Shit do I really want to get into all the ceremony that’s supposed to happen and all the talk that? I mean it’ll be nice to describe the city coming to life again and have a bit of Sipas enjoying the city the way it was meant to be seen. Also, it gives me a chance to talk about Nurui and Gamma’s curse and Pasil’s aid so I guess that I should do it.]

Goodbye Again Old Friend

“Leaving so soon?” Gamma looked up to find Pasil in the doorway. She leaned into it for support, not caring that her ceremonial garb might catch on something. Fatigue and sorrow made their homes under her eyes. She knew exactly what he was doing without need to see the pack hidden on the far side of the room or hear rumor of his preparations. Of course she remembered this part of Gamma.

“I’m as transient as spirits come,” he snorted, laughing to convince himself that everything was alright as he returned to smoothing the bedding. “Besides which, you need to reclaim your domain. It’ll take better and faster the sooner Terr Nurui and I leave.” Gamma covered his mouth in time to mask a fit of coughs. “Also, I’d rather not spread this to you even if you should be able to resist it. I’d rather not risk it. It’s beyond unpleasant.”

“So you’ll be seeing…” Pasil furrowed her brow as a name eluded her. “Jagged Cliff’s Soft Tide?” she guessed their true name, licking the splashing waves with the crackling fire of her own element. She lost focus for a moment as their common name bubbled up. “Malota? Is that their name?”

“Qirr Malota of Nuun Leyato, yes. They can finish what you started,” Gamma confirmed. Pasil raised a brow at the words. Realizing his misstep, he rushed to assure Pasil, “Fire cleanses well, but Nurui and I need to recover and heal. You’re good at regenerating, but healing others—”

“I’m limited in that respect.” Pasil nodded glumly. “I noticed yesterday.”

Gamma hummed. “But never forget that you burned out a Blooded curse,” he encouraged. “Your peers will be jealous. None of them have achieved that, not even Pyrr Girredul.”

“Roaring Hearth?” Pasil snorted and rolled her eyes.

“He fought in the war against the Shadow Kingdoms,” Gamma noted. “His fire razed almost as many of the Consumers as the whole of Raei Daevi’s army , or so I’ve been told.”

“But he’s so calm and restrained!” Pasil argued playfully. “He’s like a kindly grandfather, not some wizened soldier.

“A face he wears to comfort himself,” Gamma chuckled humorlessly. “I can’t imagine he enjoys the memories or sits easy with his character of the time.” He sighed. “War is a terrible thing for mortals, but for spirits…” He shook his head. “I shudder to think what it’ll be like if we war with the Blooded.”

Pasil’s face crinkled. “Aren’t we already warring with them?”

Gamma shook his head. “No, we’re fighting, but we aren’t warring.” He hung his head and decided there was nothing more he could straighten in the room or delay his own departure. “I hope you never learn the difference.” He paused, unsure of how best to say goodbye before settling on his words. “Will you see us off?”

Pasil’s cheer dulled as she mulled over the idea. “I’d love to,” she answered, though her tone implied the opposite. “Will you visit again soon?” she asked as she called and passed Gamma’s bag over. “As much as I love my neighbors, they always forget that I’m not quite who I was before. It’s funny how you’re the only one that treats me like I’m different.”

“I treat you the same as I treated those who came before you,” Gamma noted glumly. He shouldered his bag and answered her question, eager to brush aside his own words, “I’ll come again during winter. I’m not sure when exactly.” A memory bubbled up as he stepped out. “Will you be attending the Girredul’s Dawn Celebration this year?”

Hums and haws bloated the air while Pasil thought. “I think it’ll be a good chance to see what the other spirits think of what happened here,” she noted as she walked with her friend. “Why do you ask? Are you going?”

“My champion has been nagging me,” Gamma chuckled. “They threatened to drag me there if I don’t show up on my own.” He smiled as he thought of them and their antics, though Pasil seemed put off by the irreverence. “They’re of the good sort, and I think they make me a better person.”

“Spirit or mortal?”

“Yes.”

Turning Tides

Sipas stared at her traveling companions. They had encouraged her to forge her own path, but she insisted on joining them. Part of her enjoyed the company of the odd spirits. An ache in her head regretted staying with them.

“Nuun Leyato is just over that range!” Nurui snapped, jabbing a finger at the high peaks. Her opposite hand reeled in a fistful of Gamma’s poncho. “We are taking the direct route!”

“Are you out of your mind?” Gamma shouted. In spite of his wide stance and how he pitted his full weight against Nurui’s strength, he lost ground, sliding in her direction as she dragged him to the range. “Even if those mountains didn’t climb to the heavens, that just asking for Qirr Malota’s guard to spear us!”

“Malota will forgive us trespass in light of our sick—”

Both spirits fell into a fit of coughs. Nurui fell to one knee while Gamma toppled back. Both hacked up phlegm, but no ichor. The worst of the curse had faded to Sipas’ eyes and Nurui’s senses, though Gamma insisted they needed the certainty of another element. The long argument over their route had stolen more time than she expected Nurui’s shortcut would have bought them, at least at her own pace.

“Qirr Malota will forgive you, Terr Nurui, but their blessed might not,” Sipas pointed out when their coughs receded. “They might make an honest mistake and think you’re there to fight and not ask for help.” She sighed. “But Allr Gamma, insisting that you need certainty from another god and dawdling on a scenic path is just…” She paused, searching for a soft word to use. “Inconsiderate of Terr Nurui’s time.”

Gamma grumbled as he found his footing. “There’s a slightly quicker way to Nuun Leyato,” he admitted, cocking his head back in the direction they came from. “If we head back to the last fork and take the other road, we’ll hit a village on the river.”

“So?” Nurui challenged.

“We can get a canoe and ride the water to a village further down and near an actual pass, cross that pass, get to a one of Nuun Leyato’s trade partners, get passage on a cargo ship, and sail into port,” Gamma huffed as he led the way. “It’s more trouble than it’s worth, but less trouble than scaling the mountain here.”

“Wait, we’re walking away from Nuun Leyato now?”

“Yeah, it’s faster by a few hours and won’t end with us as fugitives in a friendly city,” Gamma hissed. “Don’t tell me it’s not faster. You’ve never traveled this far from Dolmar.”

“But you’re walking away,” Nurui argued as she stepped into Gamma’s way. “It makes no sense.”

“We will be carried by flowing water and later by sails filled with wind,” Gamma snapped. “We travel further by map, but we cross it much faster than marching as we are.”

“Or—” Nurui took him by his shirt and lifted him up. “We do this my way.” And she flung him at the mountains.

Sipas gaped as Gamma flew off into the distance, turning into a speck in the distance, then a seemingly small cloud of dust. “You’re not going to—” Nurui’s arm around her waist squeezed out the rest of her breath. To Sipas’ relief, Nurui didn’t throw her like she did Gamma. Instead, she ran and leapt up outcroppings of stone she called forth.

In almost no time at all, they caught up to Gamma. Or rather, they found where Nurui had thrown him. A crater marked his impact and left a detailed impression of his holstered revolver, assuring both that it was him that had been there. But there was no sign or scrap of the gunman left behind.

“Odd,” Nurui remarked as she released Sipas and let her lean into the incline. She traced the crater’s edge and murmured a few words, less incantation and more a mnemonic. Her eyes glazed over as she turned to baser senses and divined where Gamma had disappeared to. “What.”

“What?” Sipas prompted as she took in as much of the cool, thin air as she could. It still stunned her how quickly Nurui had carried her up the mountain. She could barely make out the road they were on only minutes before. “Did you find Allr Gamma?”

“Yes and no,” Nurui sighed as she squinted at the mountainside. “He’s inside the mountain.” She rapped her knuckles against sheer rock. “Right behind this. I’m just trying to figure out how he managed it.”

“By divine might?” Sipas guessed. “Maybe there’s a gap somewhere.”

Nurui shook her head. “That can’t be it, that Blooded curse bound us, and even if it hadn’t, he’s much further away from his domain than I am from mine,” she rejected the thought. “He’s even eschewed his bonds to his people. It should be impossible for him to turn into a dust and find a way—” She flung herself at Sipas and clung to her protectively as dirt and stone burst out.

“How dare you set foot in my domain?” a voice screeched. It echoed out from the hollow. Clearer, it commanded, “Get out of here, you filthy little—” The voice cut off, and Sipas felt its owner’s attention turn to her and Nurui. “Oh, excuse me,” he apologized in a softer tone. “Just let me take out this piece of trash.”

Sipas leaned to peek past Nurui and found Gamma dangling in the grip of a spindly spirit. Her near ashen hair trailed behind her and seemed to pull her back into the warm cave she formed.

“Actually, we were travelling with Allr Gamma,” she squeaked out. Nurui tried to cover her mouth, but a gesture from the unnamed spirit seemed to keep Nurui from gagging Sipas. “I’d like it if you released him and let us be on our way, Aurragei.”

The spirit’s eyes narrowed. “Is that so?” She turned to Gamma. “Well, oathbreaker, are you going to explain or have you so conveniently misplaced your voice as well as your memories?”

Wind howled in Sipas’ ears as divine words passed from Gamma to his captor. “Adamant Mountain Adjudicator threw me,” he said as his mortal voice gurgled and struggled for breath. “She was cursed by Blooded; I helped her— shared in the suffering. We’re to see Jagged Cliff’s Soft Tide for certain cleansing.”

“And you thought that is reason to trespass into my domain?” Hot air jetted out from the mountain. “It is your problem. Keep it out of my scent!”

“I was thrown. I had no control. I did what I could to keep my oath!” A gale of air sapped Sipas of her warmth. “Release me, and I will go. This is a trespass I cannot be faulted with with your terms!” Dust swirled past Sipas and forced her to curl against Nurui for protection. “Judge as you will, but know where I—”

The wind fell still as Gamma’s trailing scream echoed out of the caves. When Sipas felt safe enough to peek out again, she found the air spirit shivering as she stared inside the mountain. The spirit turned to look in her direction.

“Come on then, Mountain. Let’s get your mortal someplace a little more pleasant than this freezing place,” she beckoned speaking divine words from her vessel. It brought a twinge of pain to Sipas’ ears to parse it. “And try to keep up while we’re inside. My domain doesn’t like to let go of those who end up lost inside.”

Nurui squinted at the spirits as she led the way. A short incantation summoned an orb of light to reveal that the caves were filled with her hair. “Don’t mind my bond, I’ve been trying to untangle it from this place for years,” she said as though it were a mundane thing like dust blowing into a house or tracking mud into the entryway. As though to put her guests at ease, she made a show of wiping her feet on a patch of her hair. “If I didn’t know my font, I’d swear that there was an earth spirit here tying knots in it.”

“What is your font?” Nurui inquired as she followed in, keeping hold of Sipas as they went.

“All-consuming hunger,” the spirit laughed gently, sending shivers down Nurui’s spine. She glanced back then nodded to herself. “Don’t worry, I’m no child of the Shadow Kingdoms or those fledgeling spirits that feed on mortal despair.”

“Who are you then?”

The spirit giggled. “You can call me a distant ancestor, Mountain,” she replied as divinity faded from her words and she began to speak proper words. “Though it’s nothing so simple. Better still to call me a distant friend of your sweet, cherished Daevi.”

“But what should we call you, Aurragei?” Sipas eked out as she clung to Nurui.

Their guide paused. “You shouldn’t call me at all,” she answered almost too soft to be heard. She shook her head and beckoned them forward. “Come. It’s a long way through these caves, and I don’t doubt I’ll need to demolish a few places to get you to Malota before my domain thinks of you as food.”

Nurui pursed her lips. “You would risk taking on my curse for this?”

A shrug. “It breaks the monotony,” the thin spirit stated. “Also, I’m not afraid of the… Blooded.” She snorted. “Is that what you call them now? I remember them being called what they were in my time: tyrants and abusers.”

“They aren’t so powerful now,” Nurui laughed.

“Aren’t they?” their guide challenged as she considered a drop-off. “You have a name for them, fear the effects of their magic, and walk with…” She shook her head as she formed a soft bridge using a slack length of her hair. “You’re cleansing yourself with a combined element ceremony.”

“What?”

“You’re using ritual magic,” the spirit waved lazy circles through the air as she led them across the chasm. Glowing symbols and designs trailed behind for a moment before fading away. “You’re missing all the decoration and it’s not bound the same way, but the core concept and the feeling of it is the same.”

“I thought divines don’t use ritual magic,” Sipas piped in.

Laughter stopped them for a moment. “We use it all the time,” their guide refuted. “The ceremonies the pastels use to enhance their champions— the feeding that shades do— it’s all ritual magic!” She snorted. “Even the bindings of our domains is ritual magic.”

“But on each other?” Sipas clarified.

“My mutual oath with Kiirkxin— our deal is a ritual.” The spirit snorted. “Most ritual magic has fallen out of popularity if Malota can be trusted, but it’s not something all but the youngest pastels shy from.” In a gentler tone, she stated, “I understand that its power and breadth can be daunting, but it is a tool that should be remembered as it is, especially for your problem...” She frowned and turned back. “What do I call you in mortal tongue?”

From there, the conversation turned to lighter topics. Nurui and Sipas entertained their guide with stories from the world, and she regaled them with epics long forgotten. In time, they found their way to a starry night and a cave lit with torches. Gamma knelt among empty baskets.

“How long have you been without offerings, hermit?” he asked without bothering with niceties.

Sipas frowned at him. “Did you—”

A soft touch from the spirit in question silenced her. “It’s none of your business,” she stated. “Just like it isn’t mine to judge you for acting mortal.” Gamma bristled for a moment, but both he and she deflated. “You owe me a pie for this.”

“I’ll be sure to bring one when I see you next time,” Gamma promised as he stood up. He beckoned Nurui and Sipas out. “Shall we get going and leave my one-time friend to her solitude?”

[sarahburness]

How I Turned Fear and Anxiety into Joy and Fulfillment

“The largest part of what we call ‘personality’ is determined by how we’ve opted to defend ourselves against anxiety and sadness.” ~Alain de Botton

I know fear and anxiety. We’re old friends. When I was fifteen, and school was over, I’d have to force one foot in front of the other. It was time to go home. I always kept going and with every step I’d psych myself up.

You see, once I’d gotten home, fixed my dinner, and finished my homework, my mother would come home. It was then that we would begin the nightly ritual of me talking her out of killing herself. I succeeded, but every day was a struggle.

As I got older I became terrified of leaving my room and fixated on studying so I could go to college and leave her dramatic mood swings behind.

I did get out. I went on to study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a highly ranked school, studied abroad in England, and even went on to get a Masters Degree in International Studies from the University of Sydney in Australia. I worked hard and climbed in my career as a humanitarian worker.

But the problem was that the fear and anxiety followed me. The chaotic energy of my childhood was still in every cell of my body. And as a result, I attracted people very similar to my mother and I was attracted to dangerous situations such as visiting former war zones for work.

After seventeen years of carrying this weight around, I buckled. My work suffered and I fell apart emotionally. I felt like a pilot trying to land an out of control jumbo jet with both engines on fire.

I just couldn’t carry the weight anymore, so I began to unload toxic relationships left and right—quite to the shock and dismay of my family and friends.

As I felt better and cracks of clarity began to seep through, the people around me pushed back. That’s when I made probably the biggest most dramatic decision I’ve ever made.

I sold my house in Washington, DC, worked out a part-time telecommuting position with my boss, and moved to Asheville, North Carolina. I knew that I needed space to figure out who I was and to spend some quality time dealing with my past.

Four and a half years later, I feel like a completely different person. I believe in myself, like really believe in myself. I meditate. I have clear boundaries that I stick to, and at a cellular level, I feel at peace.

Now, I still have work to do, but I don’t dread it. Instead, I look forward to my continued work and getting to the next level of fulfillment, and I see life as full possibilities and joy.

During this journey people have continually asked me how I did it. They’re amazed that every time they see me, I somehow have jumped to a more fulfilled level. Well, let me tell you.

1. I made personal development my number one priority.

Every time I made a leap, my relationship with myself improved, my relationships with others improved, new opportunities appeared in my life, and my business became less stressful, more streamlined, and more purposeful.

2. I embraced my emotions.

It was messy at first. I’m not going to lie. I cried every day for two years and I still cry fairly often, but it’s over quickly and I feel much better afterward. I understand now that I had to grieve for the childhood that I never had.

The two tools that kept me sane and helped me push through were a) a regimented and strenuous workout routine that allowed me to get my anger out in a physical way and b) Iyanla Vanzant’s online Forgiveness Workshop, which guided me through why I was angry, allowed me to get to the heart of my anger (and more importantly my hurt), and allowed me to let go.

3. I stopped identifying myself as a victim.

I’ll be honest, this one still comes up for me in surprising ways. I realized that I had been taking pride in being a victim. It had become part of my identity, and it was holding me back from believing in myself.

4. I embraced that it’s how I feel that is the most important thing in my life, not the amount of money in my bank account, the status of the people around me, or the car that I drive.

Danielle LaPorte’s book The Desire Map was instrumental in this mind shift. After reading it, I finally understood that when I coveted material things or relationships, I wasn’t coveting them; I was coveting how I thought they would make me feel. My whole life changed when I realized that I could have positive feelings now without these things.

I began to incorporate experiencing belonging, feeling loved, and feeling safe into my morning meditation.

There was a lot of reaching at the beginning. These weren’t emotions that I had ever experienced in a holistic and healthy way. But I kept meditating on them, and slowly, things, programs, podcasts, and people showed up in my life that showed me what those healthy emotions did feel like. And my meditations on them became more and more real. And now I know with certainty that my life will be filled with belonging, love, and feelings of being safe for the rest of my life.

5. I embraced affirmations and mantras.

I began to write down affirmations and post them throughout my house. When things were at their worst, I printed out on a piece of paper in huge font the words “I love you” and taped it to my bathroom mirror.

I still cry thinking about how lonely and unloved I felt when I looked at that piece of paper every morning. But I kept it up there and I even started to say “I love you” to myself in the mirror.

At first I could barely look myself in the eye, but after over five years, I look myself clearly in the eye and smile every time I say it, because I mean it.

I also started to identify how I wanted to feel so I could create mantras. I still do this. At the moment I’ve borrowed one of Gabrielle Bernstein’s favorites and adapted it. Every time I am at rest I repeat to myself “I am supported in my life and business” and everyday I feel more supported.

6. I got a dog.

It may sound simple to some, but getting a dog has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The obvious perks are the unconditional love, the constant shoulder to cry on, and someone who is always ecstatic to play with me.

But the actual reason goes much deeper. Dogs’ behavior reflects the energy we put off into the world, so they’re like an instant karma meter. If we’re feeling chaotic and unsure of ourselves, they might protect us by attacking other dogs or misbehave.

People always assume it’s the dog’s fault if he misbehaves, but the fault is almost always the human’s energy. Once I figured this out, I felt an even greater responsibility for the energy that I was putting out in the world. I now had to be calm, direct, and assertive so that my dog could have a happy life. During this process, he has helped me identify countless things to clear.

7. I set firm boundaries.

This one was and still is paramount to my happiness. I grew up in a family with essentially no boundaries. My parents would tell me about their love lives, their problems, and didn’t really allow me to have any material possessions that really felt like mine.

So as an adult I had very poor boundaries. I’d let people take advantage of me and then get mad behind their backs. I’d ask inappropriate questions. The list goes on and on.

One day my therapist mentioned boundaries in passing, so I looked on Amazon and found another life changing book, Where you End and I Begin by Anne Katherine. It rocked my world.

I honestly had never even realized that I was allowed to set boundaries. I started setting them right away and my whole world started to shift.

I now tell people when I don’t want to talk about a subject. I leave a party if I no longer want to be there and I only do things I want to do. As a result I am so much happier and grounded, and more importantly I am now free to explore what it is that I really want.

8. I understand that what people say often reflects what they think about themselves.

This was a hard one. I grew up thinking that everyone’s emotional state and actions were my fault.

As a result, I had a chronic need to please—and if I didn’t, I felt horribly guilty about it afterwards. As I worked through my own emotional chaos, I began to understand how the energy that I brought to a situation could completely shift its outcome.

I realized that I was creating a revolving mirror of chaos by projecting my own insecurities onto other people’s words and actions. Once I had reined in my inner chaos and could see the world with some clarity, I realized that most people do the same thing I was doing.

In some cases I realized it didn’t even matter if I was in the room; their insecurities were the only thing that mattered in their world. Whatever I had to say wasn’t going to change anything.

This realization was downright magical. I finally felt free. I look back and realize that so many situations that had made me feel bad had absolutely nothing to do with me. This has not only allowed me to forgive more people, but it has allowed me to more easily spot secure people who genuinely listen and gravitate towards them.

9. I expelled negative messages from my life.

I realized that the television shows I watched, the music that I listened to, and the furniture and objects I put in my house all impacted my subconscious.

As a result, I stopped watching television where the main character was on the verge of dying or the world was going to end in every episode. This doesn’t mean I switched to shows with unicorns and bunnies. I’m an intelligent person who likes complex plots. But what I did was make sure that the shows I watched reflected how I wanted to feel.

I started curating my music more carefully. If I loved the beat, but the song had negative messages about women, it got tossed. If the lyrics were about self-sabotage or unhealthy self-doubt, it got tossed. Or if I just didn’t like the beat, it also got tossed.

What is now left is positive, affirming music that actually feels like me. I’ve even had people comment that the music I listen to feels like my artwork.

I gave away or threw out all furniture or objects that I didn’t like or that reminded me of someone that I didn’t like. If an object made me feel guilty, it got tossed. If something was broken, it got tossed.

I even threw away my dining room table! Every time I would drive to the Restore or Goodwill with a full car I was filled with guilt, but then when I drove away empty-handed I always felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

I realized that I was so busy cluttering my house up with obligations and broken things that I wasn’t showcasing the things I loved and that brought me joy.

10. I believe in myself.

When I was trying to study abroad in England and get my Masters in Australia, I felt so sure of the outcome—in my mind there was no other outcome—and I felt so focused and purposeful. I realized this year that I had lost that drive.

Going through my past in painstaking detail in order to heal had really taken its toll. In some ways it had dragged me into a holding pattern and I couldn’t see a life beyond it.

Then I started to listen to the Tim Ferriss’ podcast. It’s a complex show hosted by a complex man, so you could take away any number of things. What I’ve taken away lately is that I need to start asking myself more absurd questions.

Essentially I need to start thinking bigger. So when Tim mentioned an old 1959 book called The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz, I devoured it. It is lifting me up in ways that I never expected (and making me chuckle at its totally 1950s take on life).

As a result of this book, I finally understand what Tony Robbins has been banging on about—successful people and businesses are successful because they truly believe they will be successful, and they’re willing to do any amount of personal growth work to get to their goal.

They are so sure of the outcome that nothing, not even their most horrifying ghost will stop them. They’re not going to push against the ghost, they’re going to embrace the ghost, feel its pain, and move through it.

I believe that I can. And I believe that you can too.

About Maggie Minor

Maggie Minor is the founder of Maggie Minor Designs, a resource for room designs and artwork that helps people surround themselves with inspiration. A former humanitarian worker, Maggie is also the author of Adventures of a Curious Sculptor, a memoir of her world travels and personal journey. To learn more, follow Maggie on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, or Facebook.

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