#I want my wiwi to win BUT IMAGINE

[smokbeast]

When you are your worst enemy

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2010s: 125 - 121

125. Homens da Luta - “A luta è alegria” Portugal 2011

Lol the booing. GET OVER YOURSELVES, this is a great entry and you WILL deal with it!  🤗

“A luta è alegria” is first and foremost a joyful throwback to 70s Portugal, where each of their entries was a passive-aggressive anti-Salazar protest song, a topic which maintains its relevance in an age where Trump, Duterte, Bolsonaro and Erdogan (and let’s face it, Boris Johnson) are hotshot leaders. Bathed in saudade and accordeon noises, it cheerfully “celebrates” social oppression by pointing out the joys of the struggles at hand.  AUX ARMES, CITOYENS, FORMEZ VOS BATAILLONS!!! 

Of course the combination of the political undercurrent + the framing as A Joke Act made “A luta è alegria” a HUGE thorn in the side of the Eurovision Elitists: “EWW IT DOESN’T TAKE EUROVISION SERIOUSLY, BAD SONG, HORRIBLE ATTITUDE DIE DIE DIE”. Of course, this is the group that never judges beyond the skin deep and gets to see that the song is a valiant call to arms with positive uplifting lyrics! Some people do NOT want a better Eurovision to live in!  🙄

Let us therefore oppose the musical oppression by the elitists by throwing a picket and blasting this underrated song non-stop until hijacked by its catchy lusophone melody. 🤗   Traz o pão 🍞, traz o queijo 🧀,  traz o vinho 🍷 / Vem o velho 👴👵, vem o novo 👨👩 e o meninoooooooo 🧑👧

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124. Eduard Romanyuta - “I want your love” Moldova 2015

One of the best all-time openers, right? WHAT A AMAZING, SHAMELESS TRAINWRECK. The best decision Ukraine made in 2015 WAS withdrawing so Eduard could try out for Moldova instead, hijacking us with this ceaseless shitstorm of tastelessness: Disarmingly inept, “I want your love” elevates the term “slutpop” into an art, giving us tonnes of gratuituous sexuality framed in a 90s Boyband package.  BACKSTREET’S BACK, ALRIGHT~

As you know, I’m NOT into female objectification (being gay and a equalist), but here it actually improves the act. Eduard is the world’s least convincing fukboi, sauntering around like an absent-minded golden retriever 😍, engaging in fake MMA duels with the male “cops” (who, might I add, are dressed like hen party strippers. 😍 Moldova being so poor they can’t afford actual police costumes <3), helplessly bleating “I waaant your laaaaaav” throughout. It all feels like a 90s romcom, like Beethoven meets American Pie meets Police Academy IV. LOVE.

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123. EQUINOX - “Bones” Bulgaria 2018

[2018 Review here]

What a crock of shit <3

Enter EQUINOX, a “supergroup” consisting of four gay men and a morlock, assembled specifically to bankrupt Bulgaria Win Eurovision. Of course, my appreciation of EQUINOX is almost entirely ironic but jesus fuck I LOVE this desperate attempt for its incompetence. Getting a black gay guy to sing “LOVE IS LIKE A BLACK HOLE, EVERYTHING IS DARK” as your first line, in front of millions of people 😍 😍 😍  EQUINOX are utter quacks and it was blatantly obvious from second one. Paraphrasing: 

Trey: “It’s about love ~BEYOND THE BONES~”  Wiwi: “yes but what is love ‘beyond the bones’”? Trey: “It’s.... undiscribable love, like, what you you want it to be 👀” 

UTTER HOGWASH <3 So is it any surprise that Equinox’s veneer of ~mystical artistry~ *and* winner odds got to writhe into dust of the universe and way into unknown, the second "Bones” hit the stage? 😍 The live was a living, breathing disaster, further accelerated by an acute case of Sabotage Baptiste: Roll that tape:

Einstein was mistaken, because this goddess does play dice, and the dice are loaded.

Ultimately, EQUINOX are sort of a Houdek deal for me. “Bones” is an utter joke, and everyone is in on it, except for the Bulgarian production team and as long as I can just point and laugh at their expense, I’ll continue cherishing it. Bulgaria bankrupted themselves for a meek 14th place lmfao <3 However, unlike Houdek, EQUINOX aren’t awful people, so I rank them much, much higher 😈

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122. Eva Rivas - “Apricot stone” Armenia 2010

A PRICK-CUT STONE HIDDEN IN MY HEAAAD. 

For the sake of variety, let me throw in a song that is genuinely good, as opposed to a stannable trashfest. 

You know by now that I LOVE when countries display their ~cultural essense~ and this song blatantly displays Armenia’s.  Gorgeous charismatic woman? Check. Ethnic goat flute? Check! References to agricultural traditions? Check. excessive staging? Check! References to the ethnic cleansing? Double-Check!

It really just is a joy to see Eva regaling tales from her childhood, bobbing around stage displaying her raven rapunzel locks, brandishing a locket in her clenched first, as the giant apricot stone behind her blossoms into a tree. It may not be the most ~mindblowing~ Armenian entry, but it’s nevertheless a doll. 

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121. Roberto Bellarosa - “Love kills” Belgium 2013

WETING FŒR DA BEETER PEEL

That face.

That Victory Dance.

Those... dancers? 

I am not even sure how Robertoad managed to become such a hot commodity in Malmö, because I actually HATED “Lav keels” at first: I thought it was embarrassing, cheesy and stupid. Which is of course why I love it now, but at the time, nobody in Belgium believed in it. Not even Roberto’s backing singers. I visited to the male backing’s personal website during rehearsals and saw that he was booked to perform at ~retirement homes~ ON THE DAY OF THE FINALE LMFAO <3 The Semifinal itself was written down as “private project” <3 😍

So imagine my bewilderment when this fuckin’ song received points from 5 of the first 6 countries in the tally (INCLUDING A TWELVE!), and permanently hunkered down on the lefthandside of the scoreboard. And then, like a rolling stone it hit me BOOM BOOM BOOM that this bizarre amagamation of FRENGLISH

+ THOSE DANCERS (seriously, some of the best dancers ever?)

+ ALWAYS CARRYING WITH HIM A WEE STUFFED BUNNY

+ The fact that *Roberto*, in a year featuring Farid Mamadov, Koza Mostra and Gianluca, was the male act the fangirls imprinted on (the rumors of busloads of fangirls camping outside of Roberto’s hotel, clutching his picture.😍)

All of those things made Robertoad disarmingly inept and deserving of nothing but the most unironic love. RIP sweet goblin prince.