“Ooh, I’m in love, it’s a mystery. When I see you out at night, I start to get dizzy.”
“Before I see you I pick out some thing to say. Don’t want to sound foolish and waste my chance away.”
“Oh, I’m not gonna make the same mistakes. I’m not gonna run.”
“Just pick the boy you like. I’ve got my hopes up.”
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I wrote a love letter inspired by this post, and most especially this piece:
Below the cut so I don't crowd everyone.
“But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.”--Kurt Vonnegut
When we spoke for the last time, I told you there was a door. I asked you to meet me there, halfway, but I was really only asking can you forgive me, really only wondering if I hold out my hand, will you take it?
You said: “I can’t”.
You hung up the phone, and I loved you so much I went outside to feel it. That night I prayed on a porch in the rain. You tell me you ended the call and you cried? My love, I ended the call and made a summer storm.
I told you there was a door. I should have told you: I burned the door and I won’t look back, not like Orpheus, not like Lot’s wife, not like salt. I could make my every remaining breath an apology for what I didn’t say and still I would never be finished.
But before
Before all that, there was this. There was
“You look at her with eyes of love”.
a moment so uncanny it felt almost like Bukowski
a dream I could visit again and again
So I do. Each time, it begins as it always does. First it’s
so beautiful, my god, she is so beautiful I can barely meet her eyes, so beautiful, my god, with her face like a light, so
Then it’s
“You look at her with eyes of love”
Then it’s
raining. So I call stop, step out of frame, change the ending because in dreams, nothing ends in rain. And so
Maybe this time I’ll dream you as Moira and make myself Orestes. Not Orpheus, not Lot’s wife, not salt. I will say
Orestes: Where have I seen you before?
You will say
Moira: In a dream.
I will say
Orestes: A thousand years ago.
But I will really still be asking can you forgive me, really still be wondering if I hold out my hand, will you take it? You will say
Moira: In a dream.
I loved you, of course I did, and you can call me a liar but after seven years, Helena, I can still just barely meet your eyes. Tell me, what do you think that means? I am no longer asking your forgiveness. They say, “you can’t go home again”. I don’t need to go back.
Once, when I tried to explain you to someone I said, “If everything were very different, somewhere, somehow, I would live with her even when we became ghosts”. They said, “Would she do the same for you?”. No, never, not in this world. She is a cusp, forest fire, smoldering earth. Fire signs, such obvious creatures, radiating light and causing pain. Earth signs, dependent on the telestial, needing to hold and be held. We are so different.
Do you ever wonder about the multiverse? Of course you don’t. You are so certain of every single thing. But I do. I don’t ever wonder about Heaven, though; I know. But
But if you are correct, if there is no heaven, if we evolve and then evolve once more, world without end, amen, I will ask you this: I ask you to meet me in the next life. Meet me in a dream. Meet me in every iteration hereafter. In the meantime, my love, be of good heart. Be good.
“What do we do now, now that we are happy?”--Samuel Beckett
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