#I used to think that the two state solution was alright but tbh... is it really tho

[pencopanko]

not sorry for the sudden influx in posts regarding palestine, in this house we stand with palestine and condemn the israeli government

[purplemonkeyzm]

hello. i am not israeli or palestinian and while i do have some education about the conflict, i'm truly not educated enough to give me a right to talk about it as your only source. and tbh you should not be getting all of your information about it off of tumblr or anywhere else. i have no interest in policing anyone's views on this because i, quite simply, am not qualified and have no energy to do so. but i can and will call you out for being antisemitic. this post is meant to be a general warning about your actions and hidden meanings, it does not discuss the specifics of the conflict or what is currently happening.

I do, however, want to issue a general statement: do not use what is going on in Israel/Palestine to be antisemitic or islamophobic. pick your words carefully and make sure they mean what you want them to.

some examples:

anti-Zionism does not mean anti-the israeli government. it means you are against the idea that a Jewish state has a right to exist. in other words, you do not believe the jewish people have a right to self determination. if that is truly what you believe, use that word. if what you mean by "anti-Zionism" is "i do not support the israeli government and its actions," say THAT. do not conflate the two, it has dire consequences for people

if you are making a post talking about this, get your fucking information right and do not use conflate Zionism and Judaism so that you can apply antisemitic tropes. once again, this has dire consequences for people, including Jews of the Diaspora. related, please please please read it before your repost. understand that what you are posting may push a narrative that ends badly for a lot of people. if you (the reader) think the post you are reposting is alright and someone later tells you that post is antisemitic, maybe listen to them. you may not know enough to see the dog whistles.

i'm not on twitter but i know that hitler was trending a LOT yesterday mostly in the context of "hitler should've finished the job; hitler was right" and other things like that, the message being that if the Final Solution had been completed, the state of Israel would not exist today. that is absolutely, 100% antisemitic. calling for the extermination of all Jews just so that the state of Israel does not exist is antisemitic. the fact that i have to explain that is truly shocking to me because you would think the use of Hitler would be enough to make people understand that.

do not speak over those who are directly affected by this. do not speak over the people who are sitting at home, worried sick, about their friends/family in I/P. you may be sitting home safe and sound but all that means is you don't understand the effect you may have and what your actions can cause. use social media infographics as a starting point and if you are truly interested, use google.

BUT this (last bullet point) does not mean you have a right to harass Jews on the internet or irl and demand their take on this. That is antisemitic. It is antisemitic to hold the Jewish Diaspora accountable for the actions of the Israeli government. Zionism ≠ Judaism ≠ support of the Israeli government.

there are people who have trauma regarding the conflict. respect boundaries. listen if someone says something is antisemitic the same way you would listen if someone said something was racist.

i am not israeli or palestinian and while i do have some education about the conflict, i'm truly not educated enough to give me a right to talk about it as your only source. and tbh you should not be getting all of your information about it off of tumblr or anywhere else. this conflict is unbelievably complex and i guarantee that whatever version you are reading in a 10 slide post is most likely not nuanced, watered down, biased, and oversimplified.

that said: i am Jewish. the existence of a Jewish state means something to me. however, just because I support the right for Israel to *exist*, i do not support what the israeli government is doing. i also do not think that the #freepalestine movement needs to resort to blatant antisemitism to get the job done. i have family and friends who i was concerned for yesterday. there are missiles firing towards Palestine and missiles firing towards Israel. personally, i hope and believe that a two state solution is one day possible, that both palestinians and israelis have a land.

i'm begging you, if you do not understand this, if your 'education' came from an instagram infographic, you are not qualified to speak on this. you are not an expert. what you are saying online may be reinforcing already in place stereotypes and ideas that, believe it or not, affect the Jewish Diaspora. how many people are seeing that? how many people are now thinking you are antisemitic because of what you posted when in reality you are just against what the Israeli government is doing? how many of those people no longer feel safe around you because they don't know how you will react to something and don't know if you are really antisemitic or just blindly posting?

uh do me a favor and if you're an antisemite gtfo my page and seriously dni. also, i said this in the beginning but i'm not debating or talking about the specifics of the conflict on here!! also- i know i mentioned islamophobia and antisemitism in the beginning but I am not Muslim and cannot speak to how this is affecting Muslims (or people who 'look' Muslim for that matter). it's not my place to speak on that so i mostly talked about antisemitism because that is my place here.

[bookofmirth]

I’m not sure how to really phrase this very well to get my thoughts across, but I’ll give it a try! When I saw the reactions to the Azriel bonus chapter I was absolutely horrified. Then I read it and I didn’t, and still can’t, see him feeling entitled to Elain simply because she’s an Archeron sister. I felt it as a deep longing for what Rhys and Cassian have and how it’s that humans being made fae, would mean that the one for him could be human but then when a third one did turn fae, which never really happen, the bond snapped in place with someone else. I see the criticism about the symmetry but I think that’s about the coincidence of Feyre AND Nesta as sisters being mates with Rhys and Cassian and they’re brothers? I think it makes sense that he feel the way he does and being so close to someone you’re attracted to, when they were about to kiss, that he didn’t go to Rhys directly even if it’s his High Lord. It was really in-a-moment thing and I love that it pushed against what I assume comes naturally and stayed not once, but twice, to be close to Elain, after she came to him. And a gift and her initiating contact! I think the fact that he keeps the potion he gave him by his bed, to just look at, is so nice as well. I’m sure most people have memories on their nightstand so I don’t understand it being written off as pervert or creepy. I personally really love the chapter as a glimpse of his pov. I’ve always loved the moments they’ve had together in the previous books even as a friendship but I’ve never been keen of the three brothers and sisters so I’m a bit torn. I hope all of this makes sense?

I’m in love with the contrast between her brightness and his shadows, and the fact that they tend to vanish whenever she’s around him.

- E.s

I’m well aware about how you feel about Elain and Azriel together and I just wanted to share how I thought and felt about the parts when it’s the two of them, I hope it’s alright!

I used to have anons I named, like historical anon and chumming ass anon, and I miss them. Will you be E.s. anon? haha

I get your sympathy with Az in that scene. And I agree that he’s probably lonely, and wondering when it’s his turn to find someone. Of the three of them, Rhys, Cassian, and Az, Az seems like his work is the most isolating, the most likely to gain him enemies and to cause emotional trauma. I can see why people really  want him to find someone. Even though he’s part of the IC, he (and Mor, tbh) always seem like he is just hovering around the exterior. They both are constantly coming and going to do their jobs and coming back with hurt and secrets. Not saying I ship them cuz I don’t, that’s just a comparison. But you can start to see how it would chip away at both Az and Mor, to be away from the people they love, to probably make connections with people elsewhere, but then for Az to come home and know he hasn’t found anyone the way that Cassian and Rhys have, and for Mor to come home and not know when she’ll feel comfortable bringing someone home, even when she does find them.

But I think that Azriel is feeling that way with whoever happens to be around. He switched his thoughts to Gwyn immediately after Rhys told him no, giving her Elain’s present? (Which, btw, how did her present go from her neck to his pile of stuff she knew he would take when leaving?) It seems like he happens to feel that way about Mor whenever she’s around. Every interaction that people pointed to in acomaf that caused us to ship them, Az is still doing? It’s like he’s so lonely, so sad, that he will cling to anyone. Anyone is a potential solution to his problems. And Elain doesn't deserve to be in a relationship as a means to an end, to solve someone else’s problems, nor does anyone else.

Basically, I think your evaluation of his mental state is spot on. I just don’t think that it has anything to do with Elain in particular. If we look at the scene purely from Az’s perspective (which is all we have, really) then we could insert almost any other character for Elain because he’s just lonely, and she happens to walk up to him. Then she’s willing to kiss because hi, he’s hot. It doesn’t have to be deeper than that, and we literally don’t have evidence that it is because we have never, not once, gotten her POV. 

Speaking of Gwyn and how everyone is so desperate for someone to “choose” Az: we’ve already, in just a few lines, seen that Gwyn has set her sights on Az and is going to fight for him. Isn’t that... what people want? Someone who will choose him? Someone who isn’t tied to another person, who hasn’t refused to sever that bond for over a year in order to be with him? 

[isthisthingeven0n]

bigger the experiment, bigger the disaster : d.d

brief summary: during the filming of the elephant's toothpaste challenge, you get injured 

word count:  977 requested: yes by an anon! i hope you like the outcome :) warnings: nothing that i’m aware of tbh

* masterlistin’ / masterlistin’ 2.0

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website know it isn’t me. all rights reserved. - i have to start doing this as I had some shit on my other blog with plagiarism)

“You sure this is a good idea?” You ask as everyone begins to put their masks on and zip up their white coveralls.

David turns to face you with an excited smile on his face. “Y/n, it’ll be fine.” He states, seeing the nerves rising as the last of the garden is covered with white sheets. 

“Alright,” You shrug your shoulder, half-convinced as you all make your way outside. 

Standing by Carly, David starts to film as Nick finishes setting up the large container in the middle of the garden. “It looks intimidating.” Carly exhales deeply, shaking off her nerves as it’s decided who will be the ones to will pour the solution into the acid vat. 

“Y/n?” David calls out and you lift your head up, pointing to yourself as David chuckles. “You wanna help pull the container?” He asks, motioning to the fifth piece of rope available to use.

“What’s the worst that could happen.” You joke before passing him, flashing a bright smile as you stand in front of the vat of acid.

“Okay, in three, two, one.” David shouts and you all start pulling the ropes, watching the container fall and the content pour into the acid.

Everything happens in a matter of seconds from your perspective as everyone yells whilst running to a safer spot. It’s evident that even Nick wasn’t sure how big it was going to be, and based on the aftermath the spaces that should’ve been safe weren’t as secure as anticipated.

David ran straight to the sofa and climbed up, swearing loudly whilst no one else was to be seen from his perspective. Around him was a sea of blue foam as laughter escaped his lips.

“Is everyone okay?” He calls out, as everyone begins to answer. But out of everyone, you don’t respond. 

“Fuck, David!” Jason yells as he helps you up as you try to remain perfectly calm, but you’re struggling to compose yourself. 

“I’m not looking.” You say as you bite the inside of your cheek, feeling the burn worsen. 

“We gotta get you to a hospital, Y/n.” Jason tells you slowly, remaining by your side as Nick kneels beside you, explaining what exactly has happened and is happening on your ankle. 

As David makes his way over, he lowers his camera as his eyes lock on the burn across your exposed ankle. “Oh, Y/n.” David mutters, sitting in front of you as tears line your eyes. “Can you walk okay?” He questions slowly, watching as you try and apply pressure to your foot and nod.

“It just really fucking burns.” You let out a small laugh, starting to see double as your body starts to slow in movements.

“Guys I think she’s in shock.” Nick states as David and Jason help you to your feet before walking through the house and taking you straight to the car without any hesitation.

*

“Second-degree burns and a pretty epic experiment.” You look up to David who looks awfully guilty, he’s barely able to crack a smile at your joke.

Stretching your arm, you reach for his hand. “It’s my fault, Y/n.” David shakes his head, only to hear you cut him off.

“No, don’t do that.” You tell him sternly, watching as he finally looks up at you and away from the burn that’ll most likely scar. “I’m fine, really. Sure, it could’ve been avoided somehow but it’s my own fault for not running fast enough.” You chuckle to yourself, ignoring the fact it still stings.

“What did the Nurse say?” David asks quietly, squeezing your hand.

A small sigh leaves your lips as you look down to see where they cut off part of your jeans. “She said to take some antibiotics I can get at the pharmacy and some anti-itch medication. I mean, they cleaned it so it’ll heal up okay.” You explain as David nods along. “How did the footage turn out?” You quickly ask, changing the subject.

David leans back in his chair, reaching for his pocket to show you the aerial view of the whole thing. As he shuffles closer, the chair sliding across the floor you watch the footage carefully. You can see it happening, how you were just too slow as your foot just hit the edge of the foam. A small wince escapes your lips as you watch it back. 

“Wanna make a lil outro whilst I’m still here?” You suggest as David uses his phone whilst you’re still on the hospital bed. 

“So, I don’t know if you guys could tell but Y/n was a bit slow in getting away from the foam.” David states, looking through his phone screen to see you smile at him. “And as a result, here we are.” 

He pans the phone toward your leg, knowing the image is going to be blurred out for the sake of the video. “I’m still alive.” You comment, giving David a thumbs up to which he rolls his eyes at.

“And she’s just been given the all-clear, but is waiting for the name of the anti-itch cream the Nurse suggested.” David explains as you yawn, unaware of the camera is focused on you. “Am I keeping you up or something?” He jokes, watching as your eyes widen. 

“I’m just tired.” You whine playfully as the Nurse walks in with the name of the specific product before she leaves you two be. “And I’m free!” You say happily as David helps you to your feet as you keep your ankle exposed and carefully avoid bashing it into anything. 

“You’re such a clutz.” David comments as you climb into the Tesla with extra caution. 

“But I’m your clutz.” You retort with a smile on your face as David pulls away from the hospital car park, knowing what mess he’ll have to start cleaning once he gets home.

[anakinthetrashking]

Ok, so you reblogged my post about bnha fic recs and I also looked through the ones you linked and I LOVED THEM. If its alright to ask, would you happen to have more Protective Aizawa or possibly Dadmic or Protective Present Mic? Also Protective Midnight or Momnight? Only if you have! Thanks! -bnhastanning

I somehow stupidly lost my reply to this ask, not once, but TWICE. at the end, when i was almost done. im so sorry but this will be the crappiest version yet... (also! hello, fellow batfam fan... *spiderman pointing meme*)

I read a lot of fic and i loooooove sharing them with people, so thanks for giving me an excuse to do this!! :D

lots of fics, so im putting them under the read more! One of these days I’ll get around to making more organized fic rec posts...

Dadmic: only a couple, and tbh i think they have more dadzawa in them?? Secondary Colors by NaoNazo

"You got pushed down the stairs... and you're apologizing for it," he stated blandly. "That seems counterintuitive." "Um... sorry?" Izuku whispered. He was starting to shake a little, adrenaline flooding his veins and leaving him cold. He had no idea what Purple was going for with his blunt statements and the hand reaching toward his shoulder as if to steady him, but apologizing was generally safe. "You don't have to apologize, dude. I don't know your name, but I doubt it's actually Deku." "Um. Midoriya." Izuku peered sideways at Purple as they rounded the corner. "Izuku Midoriya. Deku is just, um, just what my... friends call me." He winced. "Sounds real friendly."

and Cat Days by Griffinrose

Izuku has a shapeshifting quirk. He's not the best at controlling it, especially under stress. So when tragedy strikes and he gets lost in the city, he's stuck as a cat. At least he found a nice underground hero to take him in?

Pied Piper by Blackholeca has some really great concerned Dadmic in recent chapters!!

If they wouldn’t give him a chance then the solution seemed simple, he’d give himself one. He’d force the world to see him, force them to recognize his hard work. He wasn’t missing a quirk, it was simply that everyone else had been given an advantage. He wasn’t broken, or useless, or incapable, and he’d prove it by outrunning all of them, he who was quirkless, he who had started in last.

As for momnight, there are also only a couple, and im also not caught up with these either. i have a little bit more of an excuse with these, as Indefinite by OwlF45 is really REALLY long, as well as intense. Worth the read though! I just gotta catch up! So much mindblowing stuff in that, and the Momnight is really sweet.

It comes with the package deal of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Midoriya gets another chance at life, but he must throw it away when that dreaded day comes. After all, a life for nineteen is more than a fair trade.

Or: the world will rise or fall, and it depends on one boy protecting Class 1-A to prevent the inevitable.

The other Momnight one I have is A Single Reason by TheDeepSeaWitch. Also really good, but really intense and I’ve had to take a break because I was getting a bit depressed, whoops. But I liked it!

Training begins the next day, and doesn’t stop for any reason. They wait for heroes, then for police, then for anyone to save them, but nobody comes.

It’s only a month before Izuku forgets their names. It’s a year before he forgets his own.

It’s only a chance meeting with an impassioned soul eight long, painful years later that saves them.

---------------------------------

They thought they were lost forever, that there was no future out there for them with their scars so visible and the blood on their hands still pungent and red. But if they have the strength to try, then perhaps, one day, they may yet find their forgiveness, and rediscover themselves along the way.

The Reforming Villains AU nobody asked for.

For Dadzawa:

Flare Signal by achievingelsium, of course! Annie writes some of my absolute fav dadzawa content, so definitely check it out!!

AU. Midoriya Izuku shouldn't be surprised he ended up like this: hiding the secret of One for All from his own father, the notorious villain Dragon. The path to being a hero is a hard one.

Or; Izuku is an aspiring hero forced to work for his father’s villain organization. Then he runs into All Might.

Izuku Ya’broker by Dreamillusions, is a fic i loved a LOT.

Perhaps you should actually listen to the news every once in a while, so you wouldn't end up in these kinds of situations. What kinds of situations? Glad you asked. Look at Izuku, for example. You would think Izuku would be at home after school, safe and sound from anyone attempting to, you know, kill him. But no, Izuku decided to roam around. Because of a bet. This is the kind of a situation you shouldn't end up in. Don't be Izuku.

Butterfly by aconstantstateofbladerunner, is rightfully popular! It has some horror/suspense themes though, so if thats not your style, try one of Blade’s other fics!! She’s a seriously good writer.

The first over-night trip off campus since the training camp was supposed to be a fun break from more intense work back home.  But between a bleak introduction to chaos theory, a chilly reception from the locals, and the looming threat of a villain attack, Izuku has too much on his mind to properly enjoy the fresh air.  But those worries are a light breeze compared to the hurricane that accompanies what he finds on the outskirts of town.

Or rather, what finds him.

A House Divided Against Itself by BeyondTheClouds777, another one of my fav fics by a great writer!

"Become a villain," they said.

“I’ll be a villain,” he said.

He lied. He’s only there so he can tear apart the League of Villains from the inside out.

The scars we carry by Banana_Ink is a great AU with plenty of Dadzawa

Aizawa rescued Izuku from the league of villains and takes care of the child for now. Izuku has two quirks in this AU, one natural - Forced Quirk Activation - and one that AFO 'gifted' him with - Self-Heal. He has a pretty big handprint-scar on his face and started as a problem child, scared and wary of people. But Aizawa managed to help him slowly heal.

This AU is just some silly little thing I came up in my freetime and like to add to it as I go, so I don't have a plan at all. Mostly I write for fun so I hope you might enjoy this as well :D

Ticked Off by Xenolis is a fic that I just want to rec all the time,,, for some reason...

~ ON HIATUS/OCCASIONAL UPDATES ~ Midoriya Izuku attracted trouble. It was just a fact of life – the sky was blue, the grass was green, and Izuku constantly found himself in an absurd number of deadly situations. He was okay with that. Mortal peril was an average Tuesday afternoon for a Pro Hero like him. Being kidnapped was practically a holiday. Saving civilians as a building collapsed around him was easier than facing his worried mum afterwards. He had dealt with All Might's disappointed dad stare and only cried for two hours afterwards. A serial killing villain with an unknown Quirk would be no problem! ..but even Izuku had to admit that being sent back in time to his first day at UA wasn't on the agenda. Still, there was no-one more spitefully determined than him – he was going to make the most of it. Yeah, good luck, heroes and villains alike! Deku was here to cause mischief and love his friends!

Toward A Bright Future by LazyRainDancer holds a special, soft place in my heart. I always want to go reread it after watching the show and I always want to rewatch the show after reading it. it never ends

You wake up at UA, the highest ranked hero school in the country, with no recollection of how you got there. Unfortunately, those aren't the only memories you're missing. Still, you can't let a little amnesia get in the way of you warning the school about the attack you know will happen during Class 1-A's field trip to the USJ. After you deliver your warning, you're beyond shocked when the principal offers you a position as a TA for Class 1-A. You accept the position in hopes that you'll be able to use your Quirk to help protect the students. It'll be far from easy, but you're determined to do whatever it takes to change the students' future for the better.

The rest don’t really have Dadzawa? But theyre really good so I had to rec them anyway

once forgotten, twice removed by blueh, good writer for multiple fandoms

“Yes,” All for One agreed. “This will be the final resting place of All Might.” “You,” Midoriya Izuku said and paused, thinking over the words. He sounded taken aback. “You want me to help fight All Might.” “Of course,” All for One nodded along. “I can offer you double of whatever my counterpart is paying you currently, along with anything your little heart could desire. Of course, you would get to help out drastically—" “Did you happen to check what world you were pulling me out of when you did this?” Midoriya Izuku interrupted and it was said in such an incredulous tone that had the situation not been as critical as it was, All Might would have laughed. Also known as: number one hero Deku has been through a lot of things, but being thrust into an alternate reality where he’s All for One’s Successor is a first.  He has to navigate this world when his alternate self is a villain dead-set on killing him and all of this version of class 1-A. All the while, his friends search desperately for a way to get him back.

Office Space by Caelismylife quirkless izuku gets a job at UA analyzing quirks, HECK YES

It took a little time, but he eventually found himself with a job at UA. The revolving door of heroes was not in the contract.

To Repair with Gold by TitleUnwanted FEEEEELS

AU. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, biggest lie in the world. Tattoos, which appeared when quirks did, are when a person feels an impact on something they are told and it becomes inked on their body, the closer they show to your heart the deeper the impact it has on the person.

For Izuku this is a blessing and a curse.

An Accident at Workstudy by Galactic_Jax been enjoying this one!

Izuku is working hard to prove himself at his work study, but it's hard when Sir Nighteye has made it clear he's not wanted. But what happens when Izuku is caught in a villain attack on his way to the agency? Will a few revelations about his most recent intern's past be enough for Sir Nighteye to change his mind about All Might's successor?

Nice to Meet You? by Allwalkfree didn’t know i needed this until i read it           

Kirishima introduces Bakugou to his favorite senpai. In which over several encounters Bakugou and Amajiki learn to become tentative friends.

A Study in Firsts by Oceanbreeze7 dorm shenanigans AND feels

There’s a first time for everything. The first time everyone crammed in Momo’s room to study, a mess of limbs and books on her bed. The first time Mina burned crepes so badly the smoke alarm went off. The first time a jumpscare got Sero so badly, he flipped off the back of the couch. The first time Uraraka fell asleep at the table and accidentally sent it floating. The first time someone realized Todoroki walked far too quietly, and far too cautiously around the dorms to be normal. The first time Midoriya broke his toe on a door frame and kept walking through it. The first time Kirishima woke up screaming through the walls. The first time Tsuyu blanched at the sight of a needle. The first time Bakugo dropped, clutching the back of his neck with eyes scarily vacant and detonating everything around him until Aizawa had to intervene. It wasn’t always pretty, but the dorms were filled with firsts.

Hero Class Civil Warfare by Roguedruid extremely satisfying to read

Heroes lead by Bakugo. Villains lead by Midoriya. Seven days prep time. Three days for Izuku Midoriya to show why they should be glad he's not a real villain.

A Fleeting Smile by AnonymousTwit good bakugou content

Or a collection of fifteen Bakusquad one shots where someone outside of the Bakusquad catches a rare glimpse of a friendlier side of Bakugou Katsuki, and one time that is specifically reserved for the four people that he hates the least.

Hope this gives you something to work with!!! I have more(and am always adding) in my bookmarks on AO3, but this should be a good start! Hopefully you’ll find at least one that you love! have a great day!!!! -Ani <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[thequintessentialqueer]

man this has been a weird fucking year so far. like obviously jaw surgery was hell, and I'm like, at least a little bisexual now which is???? I'm still digesting that tbh. uh, I started therapy and am now realizing that I likely have OCD which is like??? I literally never would have even begun to consider that because I'm so messy and disorganized but I actually have a lot of rituals that I Have To Do Or Else The People I Love Will Die and also I have horrible intrusive thoughts and just a constant, unending stream of obsessive thinking that I can't shut down or mitigate??? I read this really in-depth article that interviewed people with unusual forms of OCD and it was like someone had taken it all straight out of my life and my head. it literally made me cry from both relief and anguish. I gotta talk about it more with my therapist and hopefully see a specialist to rule out other shit, but yeah like fucccck.

uh let's see. what else? well, one of my former best friends ended our friendship (and did the same to our mutual best friend as well) because I am a "dangerous extremist" for not believing that "incremental change" is an adequate solution to the impending climate crisis/the rise of fascism??? and they ditched our other friend for even shittier reasons lmao so like I objectively know it was total bullshit but it still has made me way more insecure in all my relationships because like.......damn.......if they can end two 8 year long friendships over some shit that they never previously brought up or gave anyone a chance to talk through, how can I trust any of my other relationships? like I've only had one friendship longer than that one (10 years, with my darling justice, who I just spent a really lovely couple days with ❤️) and like.....you truly can think you know someone, you can put so much trust and love into them, support them through all their shit, stand by them through everything, and they can just....change so completely that it makes you question whether the self they presented to you up until that point was even real, you know? like the other friend in this situation was literally questioning to me whether any part of our friendship was real if they could do this for such weird and shitty reasons. and looking back they had a history of dropping people and they would always say that the person in question had turned out to be "toxic" and "manipulative" and we believed them because they were our best friend but now it's like.........huh. so that's a pattern.

and the way they handled it was so awful too. like this was all during my jaw surgery recovery and they didn't visit me once in the first two months, continuously claiming that they had a stomach bug or that they couldn't leave the house because of anxiety, just completely stringing me along when I was in pain and lonely and isolated and wanted so badly to see them, and I bought those blatantly obvious lies because I believed they would never lie to me like that. so it had to be true, right? and then they just sent a huge chunk of text over fb messenger making all sorts of assertions about my personality and beliefs, claiming that I was secretly judging them for things I absolutely had never judged them for, and so on. and the thing that fucked me up the most was that they said they had always idolized me to the point of believing anything I said was automatically true, but now they had realized I was "a rigid thinker who sees everything in black and white" and that I hold "beliefs that scare them" (aka that there can be no justice under the settler colonial state and that it has to be dissolved and replaced with indigenous sovereignty). it fucks me up even now because I have always been so afraid of being worshipped/put on a pedestal. the act of doing so is a denial of my humanity, which is intrinsically linked to my fallibility. they idealized me without my knowledge or consent, and then upon realizing that I was not perfect, they discarded me completely. at no point did they ever see me as the person I am. (also like you wanna talk black and white thinking lmao????? deciding that a person is either perfect or irredeemable would solidly fall under that imo).

anyway it just sucks so much because nothing they discarded me for was something bad I did. it was all the things about me that are good: that I am involved in activism, and willing to risk facing violence from the state as a consequence of protest; that I care deeply about the rights and liberation of all people; that I don't want all life on earth to die because of 100 companies and the systems that allow them to destroy the world for profit; that I am open and honest in my beliefs and practices and that I trust others to be the same way (one of the things they said was that they'd been dropping "subtle hints" that they had a problem by......asking me questions about things I said.........questions that I took at face value and answered sincerely. all of this knowing full well that I'm on the autism spectrum and don't pick up on "subtle hints"). so it just sucks because there was literally nothing I could have changed or fixed to salvage this relationship. I wish to god that the problem had been me so I could have corrected it. I know I was in the right but I don't want to be in the right - I just wanted us to be alright and there was nothing I could do because they were the one who was being ignorant, taking their fears about me judging them as evidence that I was judging them.

.......but yeah like this has made me actively scared to message my best friend from university because I'm just so scared of losing them too because I literally don't think I could take losing their love because I love them so much but like I know I'm literally damaging our friendship by not reaching out enough but I'm just so scared, even though I know it's irrational. I would be fine in person but all this shit with my ex-friend going down over fb messenger (which they also did to our other friend that same night) makes me so scared of receiving another message like that or of saying something and having it misconstrued and ruining everything. I'm so afraid because I try so hard to be kind, compassionate, trusting, loving, fair, honest.......to just do good in the world as much as possible and to do right by the people I love..........and to know that I can do all of that and have all of it twisted around as a bad thing........I don't know man it's just fucking hard.

anyway sorry for this million mile post I'm just. uggh. like I had a great day today. I've had a great week. I was at anime north, caught up with lots of friends......I've been actually reading and writing for the first time in ages.......and today I met with my mentor to discuss poetry, then bought some books, talked to some cool older socialists, hit up a bulk barn......like it was such a genuinely good day! and then I went to lay my head down for a quick nap and all this shit hit me again out of nowhere for the first time in weeks and I'm just like. is this gonna keep happening forever?? the other friend in this situation described us as being "literally in mourning for a loss" and like. fuck. true. but I'm just so mad that this is able to have power over my heart when there are so many good people in my life who love me and who I love in return. there's so much good in my life and I am learning and growing so much every day despite all my mental health shit. I have amazing comrades, incredible friends, a complicated but loving familial relationship......I guess this is just kind of......my first real breakup in a way?? (and my absolute first time being "broken up" with ever). like I've broken up with partners before but after like, weeks, months.......not 8 years. and it's like we did so much together and they're in so many of my photos, so many of my memories, and to know they only ever loved their idea of who I was, that they didn't really understand or know me......it sucks and I guess it's gonna suck for a long fucking time. but I wish it would stop sucking sooner.

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[dirtycreekwater]

can you write a thing where virgil is like leg tapping or clicking his fingers when its loud or he gets anxious because I do that and tbh I don't wanna feel alone in doing it -r

i absolutely can my friend (i do it too you’re not alone xx)

~

tap. tap. tap. click. tap. tap. click. tap.

Virgil is restless. Everything around him is too loud, and too bright, and just too much, but he can’t leave. He’s been roped into another movie night, not that he’s complaining really, and it’s suddenly overwhelming. He knows he’d upset the others if he leaves so instead he tap. tap. taps. his legs, and click. click. clicks. his fingers; he worries that it’s annoying, but no one has said anything yet.

Yet.

tap. tap. tap. click. tap. tap. click. tap.

“Virgil?”

Fuck. He’s done it now. They’re going to scold him, or worse yell at him, or tell him to stop being so damn annoying, or-

“Kiddo? Are you okay?”

Or maybe not. Well, wait no. That was Patton. Patton’s always gentle, and understanding. Surely, the other two would be annoyed.

“Anxiety. Look at us.”

Okay, Logan. Logan sounds concerned, and not angry. Okay, fine, but Roman will definitely-

“Verge, buddy. Can you even hear us?”

Yeah. Yeah, Virgil hears him loud, and clear. None of them sound angry. Why? His nervous habits are probably the most annoying thing in the world. At least they should be, right? All he ever does is make irritating noises, and chew on things, and do stupid, impulsive things in the midst of panic attacks, and-

“Alright, Roman, Patton. Give him some space. I will try to bring him out of his dissociative state.”

Dissociative state? No, he was definitely not dissociating. He could hear everything perfectly fine. He could see- Okay, no his vision was definitely out of focus. He did feel kind of far away from everyone. Everything felt heavy, and blurry, and strange, and he still couldn’t stop tap. tap. tapping.

“Virgil, grab my hand.”

Grab whose hand? Who’s speaking?

A beat of silence then suddenly someone grabs Virgil’s hands, and stops the click. click. clicking. This makes Virgil more aware of where he is, but he still tap. tap. taps. Until someone rests their hand on his leg. He didn’t know if it was only one of the others doing this, or two, but he didn’t seem to mind. The touch was slowly, but surely, bringing him back to reality; normally sudden touch would scare him, but this was okay.

“Keep listening to my voice,”

And Virgil did.

Virgil listened to the voice drone on, and on about different things until he snapped out of his dream like state, and was able to see it was Logan kneeling in front of him.

“Hey, there you are. Would you like to talk about why you’re so restless, or why you disassociated?”

“Maybe we should give him a minute, Logan.”

Patton. Virgil looked at Patton, and saw the worry in his eyes. Then he looked at Roman to see the concern in his. Then back at Logan to see the clinical, worried look you’d see on a doctor’s face. Now Virgil felt too… analyzed. Observed. He shrunk back in fear, and resumed the click. click. clicking.

Logan grabbed his hands again.

“Virgil, it’s okay. We’re not upset. We’re not scrutinizing you. We would just like to know what is bothering you so we can find a solution.”

Finally, Virgil finds his voice. It’s hoarse, and small, but it’s there.

“I-I, uhh.. I just.. got overwhelmed. No big deal.”

Logan stares at him inquisitively, and Virgil almost instinctively cowers again, but strangely enough something about it makes him feel safe.

“Overwhelmed? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe you were experiencing sensory overload. And I assume the fidgeting was giving you something to focus on? Or did you not realize you were doing it?”

Virgil pauses to think. He didn’t really remember if he was honest. It was just.. a normal thing for him at this point. It just happens, and he didn’t even feel fully present so who knows why he was doing it, or if he even realized he was.

“I.. I don’t know, okay? Yeah, it was sensory overload. I deal with that frequently, but I can’t tell you anything about the.. fidgeting.. It just happens…. Uhh.. What exactly was I doing again?”

Logan exchanges a worried look with the others, and Virgil’s heart picks up pace. He convinced himself their annoyance was disguised with fake worry so they could get him to stop irritating them.

“You were tapping your leg, and clicking your fingers excessively.”

Oh. Oh, right.

“Oh. Yeah. Well, I’m sorry if that was annoying. You guys can go back to the movie now. I’ll just.. go to my room.”

God, what movie was even playing? He can’t remember. He sneaks a glance at the tv. The Lion King was paused on Roman’s favorite part. Now he feels even worse.

Virgil stands up to leave, but Patton grabs his arm.

“No, kiddo. Please don’t leave. It’s okay. You weren’t annoying us.”

Virgil notices that Roman looks like he wants to protest that statement, but Patton shuts him up with a stern look. That didn’t really help much. Virgil shrugs, and tries to get out of Patton’s grasp. Roman’s voice stops him.

“No, wait, Virgil. I’m sorry. I know you can’t help doing those.. nervous habit things. Please stay with us?”

Another beat of silence, and Roman frowns. Luckily for all of them Logan has found a solution.

“Why not use one of your fidget devices? That way you have something to focus on, and don’t have to worry about bothering us as they don’t really make much noise. It also allows you to stay here with us. Which we would like very much.”

A fucking fidget device. Why Virgil hadn’t thought to use one of those was beyond him at this point. Stupid.

“Y-Yeah, okay.”

Logan gives him a smile that seems proud, and relieved, and Virgil almost wants to hug him for being as understanding as he always is. Patton gives him his usual, bright, happy grin, and Virgil definitely wants to hug him. And Roman.. Roman gives him a softer, smaller smile, but Virgil still wants to hug him all the same. He doesn’t though. Instead he accepts the offered fidget spinner, and sits back down.

The others join him, and the movie is resumed.

He finds himself resting his head on Patton’s shoulder, and now instead of the tap. tap. tapping. or the click. click. clicking. there’s a faint, and soft. whir. whir. whirring. and he feels okay.

~whoa i actually really like this?? wowie. anyway if i got anything wrong about disassociating please let me know! ill do my best to correct it 😌

[imamotherfuckingstar-lord]

The Curtain, part 6

Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: You had been Steve Rogers’ best girl for many years, until he took down SHIELD and proclaimed his allegiance to Hydra. And that was when your world came tumbling down. Now you were part of the Underground - a group of rogue heroes and civilians that wanted nothing to do with Hydra. The Mount was the secret headquarters where you lived now, as you all try to find a way to get the world back. And where you try your hardest to forget Steve Rogers or at least the man he is now, but could you ever?

Characters: Hydra! Steve Rogers, Past!Steve Rogers,Clint Barton/Hawkeye, Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow, Miles Morales/Spider-Man, Amadeus Cho/Hulk, Viv Vision.

Warning: If you don’t like the Hydra Steve currently in the Marvel comics, don’t read. Won’t be tagging anyone unless they asked to be tagged. Spoilers for Secret Empire.

A/N: This is mostly based on the comic Secret Empire and most of the characterization is based on comic book counterparts - or at least a mix of the two for those also in the MCU. Also, this is just a mini-series - not sure how many parts. TBH, this story isn’t what you expect. 

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

You sat quietly next to Tony as everyone ate silently, the Avengers were tired and looked beat down, but they had won - like history had promised. After you had shocked Steve with the whole Hydra thing, Tony declared it was time for shawarma and everyone gathered and made their way to the small eatery.

“So, Cap turns evil in the future,” Tony grumbled in between bites. “Not surprised.”

“Watch it,” Steve warned his friend, who grinned widely.

“No, I mean, it’s shocking,” Tony stated with dramatics.

“This is serious,” you snapped. “My friends are in danger, they could be dead as we speak..I…we need to do something.”

“Who are your friends,” Clint spoke up, shifting his legs off Natasha’s chair. You looked at him and pain filled your heart, thinking of the future Clint.

“You,” you stated quietly, eyes focused on the food in front of you. “Nat, the kids.”

“Kids?”

Natasha gave you a concerned expression and you sighed. “Miles, Viv, Amadeus - he’s..the new..Hulk.”

Bruce’s eyes flew to you and he fumbled over his words. “New Hulk?”

“Long story,” you explained hastily. “Maybe for a later date, but right now? I need to figure out how to get back to my time and how to make sure Hydra never gets a hold of any cosmic cube. That’s how they change the future, we never won the war, Hydra took the victory and Captain America had been a sleeper agent the entire time. He took down SHIELD, stabbed all of us in the back.”

“That’s insane, I would never…Hydra, they’ve killed so many people. They killed my best friend,” Steve shook his head and stood up from the table. You got up and walked around the table to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at you and the familiarly in his eyes nearly knocked you over.

“I know, Steve. That isn’t you, the future Steve, that isn’t you. That’s why I need to fix it.”

The table grew quiet and you became fully aware that everyone could hear, so you stepped closer to Steve and lowered your voice. “I have to save the man I love.”

Blue eyes stared down at you and they softened at the pain in your eyes. “So in the future, you and I are together?”

“Yeah,” you answered softly. “For a few years now, until everything went down. I was on my way to get a piece of a cube just outside of Nevada. It was a set up, I knew that much, but I figured -”

“- figured it would bring you to me - him,” Steve concurred.

“Yeah,” you nodded, fingers gripped the helm of your jacket. “His agents said he didn’t want me dead, I suspect he was going to try to get me to side with him.”

“And would you have?”

Steve’s question rung in your ears and you stood silent for a moment before looking up at him. “I want to say I wouldn’t have, but who knows how weak I’d be in his presence. I still love him, why would I be here if I didn’t?”

“Hey lovebirds,” Tony called from the table. “Why don’t we take this party back to  the Tower. Thor needs to shower.”

You snorted at the billionaire’s humor, because you missed this Tony. The non alcoholic Tony, the non A.I Tony Stark. Here he was no longer the ghost of someone you use to know, he was alive, in the flesh. You decided then to not divulge any unnecessary information to the others, keeping it on a need to know basis.

“Alright, let’s go to the Tower,” you smiled at Tony, who returned the gesture with a clap of the hands.

“You heard the future lady, let’s go.”

…..

An hour later, you stood in Bruce’s lab, watching as he looked over the Tesseract. You had explained how you touched a piece of cube and were transported to this time. Tony and him rattled off different theories and quickly got to work on finding a solution, while you listened quietly and avoided all contact with Steve. Just being around him, the real him, it hurt so badly and was just a reminder of what was waiting back home.

“So Thor went back to Asgard?”

“Yup and took his bratty brother with him,” Tony smiled smugly. “He’s coming back for the Tesseract eventually. So tell me, am I still devilishly handsome in the future?”

Bruce chuckled and you just shrugged. “Sure.”

“So the Cap and you,” Tony eyed you carefully. “That’s an actual thing or….”

You sent Bruce a pleading look and he quickly asked for Tony’s help on something, feeling grateful, you walked over to the window. New York City was still whole, yeah there was damage and things that needed repair, but man it was great to see the city alive again. Not riddled with Hydra propaganda and civilians that were blinded by Captain America’s agenda.

“You okay?”

Tony stepped next to you and gave you a small smirk. You kept looking out the window, down to the city and sighed.

“I miss this, I miss the Avenger’s, the city,” you croaked out, trying to hold back the tears.

“That bad, huh?”

You wiped at your eyes and chuckled. “You have no idea. Honestly, you’ be surprised at who took Steve’s side. Either out of loyalty or brainwashing, I don’t know. What I do know is that I have Clint, Nat and the kids to worry about. If I don’t fix the future, Steve’s going to have to die.”

Tony’s eyes snapped over at you and you met his gaze with tears. “I’m going to have to do it. And I don’t want to do it, Tony.”

The man pulled you into his arms and you finally cried, sobbed against his chest. You clutched the back of shirt and he looked over to Bruce, who gave him a helpless shrug. Tony rolled his eyes at his friend before slowly pushing you off his chest, giving you a soft smile.

“Listen, no one’s gonna end Cap, alright? We’ll figure this out,” he assured you, sliding his hands off you. “Come on, it’s us,” he pointed a thumb at Bruce. “The Science Bros.”

“I didn’t approve that title.” Bruce adjusted his glasses and continued to look down at his tablet.

“Sorry to kill the moment,” Clint appeared at the door, wearing a set of clean clothes - jeans and black tee. “A room’s been made up for you, not sure how long you’re staying..”

“You’re a good man, Barton,” Tony chimed, pushing you toward the door. “Go with the archer, get some rest and let us Science Bros work.”

You thanked Bruce, who gave you a nod and followed Clint out the door, to the elevator. He motioned for you to get in first, so you did and when he stepped inside, he stood off to the side. You couldn’t even look at the man, not when the last time you had seen him, the two of you had kissed.

Clint cleared his throat and looked at you with wearily eyes. “So I know you in the future?”

“We’re friends.”

He hummed and scratched the back of his head. “So when do we meet?”

“Not for another few years,” you explained, feeling relieved that the elevator stopped, opening it’s doors to the quarters floor.

“And you’re with Steve?”

This time you laughed and shook your head. “Why does everyone keep asking that?”

Clint shrugged and motioned for him to follow you down the hall.  “He’s been unfrozen for a minute and now you show up, saying you’re his girlfriend - wife?”

“Girlfriend,” you corrected him.

He lead you to a room at the end of the hall. “This is you, holler if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Clint,” you smiled and without thinking you hugged the man. He stiffed up, but you just embraced him tighter, closed your eyes and remembered all the good times you had together. All the good times you had with everyone, Steve, Clint, Miles, Viv, Nat, Amadeus, Tony, and the rest of the gang of heroes you called family. You wanted them all back so badly and this was your chance to fix everything and fuck if you weren’t gonna do it.

Clint cleared his throat and you let go of him. “Sorry.”

He scratched the back of his head and grinned. “I guess we are friends in the future.”

“Yeah,” you replied with a simper. “We are really good friends.”

“Good to know.”

You laughed and pointed a thumb to the room behind you. “Um, I’m gonna take a nap. This whole time traveling to save your evil boyfriend thing is tiring. Let me know if the Science Bros need anything.”

Clint chuckled and nodded. “Sure thing.”

You watched him walk away and when he turned the corner, you opened the bedroom door. It was neat and clean, generically normal with a tv, bookshelf and desk. The bed was queen size and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t look comfortable. So you tore off your jacket and kicked off your shoes and practically flung yourself onto the memory foam mattress.

“Oh..god…”

You groaned grabbing a pillow to snuggle against. It had been so long since you had a decent nap or a night’s sleep, or any sleep. And before you could protest, your eyelids felt heavy and quickier than Quicksilver’s speed, you fell asleep.

Tagging: @travelwithwords @bubbleboss15 @frostingsfics @buttercup337 @to-pick-ourselves-up-7@alwayshave-faith @radrouda @rubynationwins  @mo320 @sleepyartistsworld 

Only tagging those who ask to be for this series.

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

[angocanhha]

alright alright

i can’t get away from tumblr and tbh i don’t think i should

i guess it’s healthy to journal especially when i’m not sure when my next therapy session will be. i’m having thoughts of eating. i guess i feel empty and down and i know that eating will make me feel happy and whole. but i won’t be -- happy and whole, at least not from eating.

so i’m writing, maybe i should write down the honest thoughts i think but scare me so i don’t write them often, if ever.

like how can i be empty? i’m awesome. aren’t i?

missing q doesn’t hurt as much anymore because i’ve decided not to want, not to desire his attention and affection. so during our ft call earlier (which i was surprised he called, but im sure after yesterday’s teary stand off, he felt more compelled to check in) it felt more clear and calm. i wasn’t frantic, a part of me wanted to end the call early, to leave him wanting and not to have to face the moment when he would leave earlier than i wanted him to. but i didn’t. i stayed and was ok when he left. i just sat, looking at him, thinking, can he really b the partner that would make me happy. i guess logically no one can make me happy in that way, if i’m not already making myself happy first. and that’s the conclusion i always come to, unless the partner has red flags, if the partner is decent, relationships just take work. but this relationship is testing my theory.

so why do i feel empty. why do i run to food and to people. why does sex at night manage the pain of discontent. why does the moon keep me in awe and fear.

i am a wonderful being but i am flawed, i am vulnerable and that’s ok. i’m learning from this retreat and feel so healed. like desire causes suffering, but does that mean i shouldn’t want to win best actress at the naacp awards? smile. smirk. journaling this out is already making me feel better, but those snacks are calling to me. whether from habit or just the band-aid solution to my emotions, it is tempting.

i worry about u, i wonder if you’re thinking of me and sad that you’re not talking to me. but i remember, u existed before we started talking and u will exist when we stop talking. everything will be ok. this time apart is good for me. it allows me to be alone with my discomfort, like a crying child, i need to figure out what my mind needs are so i can learn how to cope, as opposed to a temporary fix that permits me to avoid the problem.

i am so good at denial. even now i think, i don’t have a problem, what problem? and it’s only when my ‘un-productivity’ and weight gain are staring me in the face saying, ‘really? u don’t have a problem...? then why don’t u feel good about yourself? what’s that about,’ that i’m taking a moment to analyze. as fearful as i am that this cloud won’t pass, that i’ll be stuck in this mental state forever because i don’t see a way out, do i keep chugging along this filmmaking path making dismal progress? or do i switch direction and chug in something more comfortable and acceptable when the thought of that doesn’t thrill me either? i keep going back and forth. but i need to break out of that thinking, i need to breathe and keep breathing. i think my breath will lead me out of this dark tunnel where i can’t see. a little bit of faith is required on my part. just breathe and keep breathing, everything will be ok. and keep doing this retreat.

i’m going to be ok being alone. the last time i was without a partner for more than two months was when i first moved to southern california in 2017 and this is even longer. but this time i’m not completely alone, i still have a partner although he is physically so far away. it’s not only the distance that separates us, but 1) my inability to be in vietnam, 2) coronavirus threatening the health of traveling. what a double whammy in addition to me being dissatisfied with how he copes with depression. smoking and screentime, and drugs to some extent. i read about harm reduction the other day, that unhealthy consumption is better than trying to go without and resulting to worse alternatives. i ask myself, do i really want to deal with this? maybe i’ll just be single for the rest of my life and if i want to have a baby, i’ll do it on my own, like really. maybe i’ll just be a buddhist nun. but i can’t choose that path because i’m running away from the hardships of life i guess.

what are you going to think when u read this. what if u don’t like me anymore but another question that’s been circulating on tik tok is, don’t worry if ppl don’t like ‘u,’ ask if ‘u’ like them. so, do i like u? can i b honest? should i be honest? scathing? -- you’re married, end of story, nice and simple, period (as the young kids nowadays say.) and this is a way to not answer the question bc i don’t have to, bc you’re married and i’m married.

therapist says open relationships don’t fix the relationship. yes, this is wise.

so this night has turned into me being alone and honest with my thoughts. i can see myself getting attached to this magical moment. it would be nice to turn these periods of time from suffering to pleasure, how tantalizing that sounds.

now i don’t want to go to sleep. i want to mine more feelings and thoughts, and hold them in the lines of this text, wrap them up in my arms so we can get nice and comfy. my mind went straight to snacks at the thought of staying up though.

how shall i wrap this up. look at me giving myself writing prompts. i’m tempted to write u a love poem but this retreat says i should refrain from consuming things that would make me sad or excited. so i guess it will have to wait for monday when i talk to you again, that is if that poem is still lingering in my mind. what shall i do with you, wut are you going to do w me? i’m veering.

good night chi. see u later

queued feb 25 10:32P

[dcathwithoutglory-blog]

it’s jay. again. my browser just crashed. so i’m just gonna copy and paste my old intro. there’s no time to try and make it better. rip !

⌊ priyanka chopra, cis woman, antigone ⌉ ⏀ have you spoken to ALEXANDRA “ALEXA” MEHRA recently? the THIRTY-FOUR year old who’s been in seneca for SEVEN YEARS or so? either way, they always seem to remind me of FLOWERS PLACED ON A GRAVE, A RUSTY COMPASS, STORMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT whenever i see them on main street. on a good day they’re pretty MORALISTIC, but they can also be RESISTANT. ⌊ jay, 19. est, she/her ⌉

the story of antigone that y’all probs already know but jic.

triggers: brief implication of incest but like wbk, brief mention of suicide, death, creon bein a bitch

brief overview of antigone (character + eponymous story):

antigone was born to oedipus and jocasta.

we all know what happened there. after that, oedipus was like “see no evil feel no evil” and jocasta yeet’d out of living.

her brothers went to war against each other. when creon ascended to the throne, he allowed burial for eteocles with honors, but was like “lmao if u bury polyneices i will kill u”

but antigone was like ‘lmao SURE JAN’ and tried to convince ismene, her sister, to help her bury polyneices. ismene was like ‘ok that’s a rly bad idea like good luck but count me out tbh.’

antigone is rly bad at digging graves tho so polyneices’s body was found and creon was like ‘oh my GOD’ and she’s like ‘fuck the government viva la morality!’

then creon was like ‘ok anyway rmr when i said u wld die if u buried polyneices so ig now u have to be buried alive in a tomb’ then antigone was like ‘actually i’ll be hanging myself before u can do fuck the government’

then he was like ‘at least u’ll be dead! oh wait -

Y’ALL GO SAVE EVERYONE’ but then it was too late

antigone and his son had both killed themselves and everyone, including himself, were just like

“get WREKT creon!!!!!”

alexa ( play despacito ).

triggers: suicide (x2), death (x3), mental illness implications, war, brief mentions of torture and murder

ok now onto alexandra ! so, like i did for valda, i looked up names that shared the same meaning as ‘antigone’ (which essentially means “against”) and one of the suggestions was alexa but i also wanted it to sound. super valiant. but at the same time. i wanted it to be something that could have a conversational nickname. so im already hc’ing that she has ‘despacito’ saved on her phone. also alexandra is my middle name so like?? stan list?? OK ANYWAY.

alright, so alexandra was born to a very upper-class family. her father was a politician and her mother was a successful lawyer. they provided well for the perfect nuclear family –– two sons, two daughters, a golden retriever, two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of-

like... her early life, say birth to age 14, was... nice. actually normal and nice. have i ever done that before? has my own edgelord ass ever done that before? i don’t think so.

which is why things obviously took a turn for the worse

but yeah. when she was 14, she was like “hey mom idk how to do pre-algebra” (a mood) but there was no response from her mom. so shrug city, you know? she just went to her older sister instead. but like... so much time passed.... and nothing....

finally, this nosy bitch decided to be like “ok i’m gonna go see what tf she’s doing” and that was just... a terrible idea. instead of finding her mom doing her nails or talking on the phone or any number of reasons she may not have come out yet, she found her mother hanging from the ceiling fan.

she tried to get her brothers’ and sister’s help, and they tried so desperately to help (you know, while also calling 911 and their father), but it was to absolutely no avail.

after this hella traumatizing experience, the children grew closer as the father grew farther.

he began getting lost in his own mind, sometimes accidentally mixing the past with the present, a la willy loman style. he would hold slight conversations with their ‘mother’ while at the table, then began holding them with various others from the past. it was pretty clear that his mind had just been looking for an excuse to snap, and the death of his wife had been the perfect scapegoat.

although it had originally just affected him in his home life, he began holding said conversations in the presence of people outside his family.

this is not good for a politician.

i mean it’s not good for anyone but...

his support immediately began dropping. his team gradually left him, finding there was no way he would ever be able to gain another victory if he kept on living in a limbo between the past and the present. given that he’d started ‘talking to his brother’ during one of his speeches... 

rest in peace to his career.

alexa (play despacito) was 18 at the time, her sister - 20, one of her brothers - 21, the other - 24.

they were all legal adults! some of them had even moved out! so their father figured his next move would not affect him in the way their mother’s death had!

so he shot himself.

the only people who showed up at his funeral were alexa and her sister. her eldest brother proclaimed that flying across the country would be too much of a hassle for that, and the other brother simply did not respond.

her eldest brother did, however, enlist in the army after setting legalities in place that would allow him to send money back to his siblings. he had joined simply because it was an easy opportunity (what with all of the propaganda), but his decision prompted the other brother to do the same –– this time because he was talented at ‘the art of fighting.’

and bc more money but like... get wrekt.

alexa’s sister dropped out of college to work a full-time job –– one that paid fairly handsomely. alexa took some odd jobs.

aka, everyone was trying to make money.

creon was right when he said “money! nothing worse”

so things kind of dipped when the eldest brother was killed. after an accusation that he’d become a traitor, their other brother had taken it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ torture and shoot him. but the other side did it!

which everyone knew was a lie.

because of the accusations, he was not only not allowed a military funeral, he was also not meant to be buried in any honorable fashion. instead, his body was returned to his hometown to be buried there following a quiet and uneventful funeral.

his grave was left unmarked.

nonetheless, the grave was visited every day, new flowers laid atop.

meanwhile, their other brother was considered a newfound military icon. he’d gotten rid of a ‘traitor’ (they continued to pretend it was someone from the other side, of course), he’d killed many an enemy, he’d done this and that and this and that and it all made him look so morally grey to alexa and her sister (who, granted, had yet to find out he’d killed their other brother), but like such a white knight to his fellow soldiers.

he truly rose in the ranks. it was what he was meant to do.

but the more he killed, the more he tortured, the lack of grief towards his brother’s death...

alexa’s sister wasn’t buying her hypothesis. it wasn’t necessarily because she saw their other brother was some pure being, but because she simply didn’t believe he was capable of that.

the next time alexa saw her brother, she got confirmation enough. what to do with the information, she wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do something...

murder wasn’t the solution... she didn’t have any military connections that would allow for her to spout some lie about why he needed to be dishonorably discharged... but what he did couldn’t skate by...

to this day, she is still wondering what she can do to fuck him over. his success in the military keeps growing grander and grander, thus rendering any fake dishonorable discharge excuses completely moot. her sister still doesn’t believe that there really is a solution –– that, while it is greatly harmful, there’s absolutely nothing they can do and ruminating on it is worthless –– trying to find some quest to defeat their own brother is absurd.

although she has since moved to seneca, attracted to its small town appeal, she continues to visit her eldest brother’s grave every week –– it’s about a two hour drive, so it’s worth it.

she’s taken up work as a cemetery caretaker

because of COURSE she would.

and, although its pay is.... lousy, she’s been making due. for the tombstones no one visits any longer, first she’ll look them up to make sure they weren’t slave-owners or anything, she’ll bring them their own flowers. the dead deserve just as much respect as the living, hm?

personality.

i just realized i didn’t do this for valda (aka, i’m about to update her intro with it), but a total enneagram type 2.

too empathetic for her own good, too ‘this person whom i do not even know deserves flowers’ for her own good, too ‘i’ve got to protect _______ by doing _________’ for her own good

a capricorn

so driven by her own moral compass, she does not CARE about anything that says she has to go against it

her moral compass can be super faulty sometimes tho

pretty quick to make assumptions tbh, but has so far been right abt most of them.

so also driven by gut feelings ig

dramatic tbh. i mean she’s the adapted version of a character whose first lines contained “there's nothing, no pain—our lives are pain” SO.

also p independent (as in i said valda was independent), but her vendetta isn’t against men in general, rather just her brother who is still alive

so like,,, that said,,, holds grudges.

im bad at personality sections!! as has been stated before!! but i think the gist has been gotten across!!

wanted connections.

so rn i only have one specific one which is her sister and can be found on the wc page

will come up w/ unique ones later but until then open 2 hearing urs/brainstorming!

tl;dr.

(refer to triggers listed before the bullets.) a lot of death? like mom kills herself then dad turns into willy loman then dad kills himself. brothers both join the army. one brother kills the other brother for being accused of being a ‘traitor.’ said brother doesn’t get a proper funeral and his headstone is unmarked. the other brother rises in the rankings and alexa knows what happened. convinced her sister of it, but her sister is more logical and let her know that she was very angry too, but making her entire life about it would do nothing but endanger herself and others. moved to seneca because she liked the small town feel. still visits her eldest brother’s grave every week to leave flowers. works as a cemetery caretaker bc WHY NOT. brings flowers to graves that are either unmarked or no longer visited. i hope you read all of that and just thought ‘oh my god fckin EDGELORD’ because you’re right.

alright ! fin.

like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !