#I used to hate lesbians because I am so fucking jealous too btw

[anonymocha]

Having internalized lesbophobia is so funny because I find JOY in liking women but then feel guilty about that too, like what the hell; That’s like the opposite of what I’m trying to do, come on 😭 We’re back to square one 😭 Unlearn shame and guilt 😭 Girl 😭

[notmrskennedy]

NSYNC’s Greatest Hit

Spencer Reid x GN!Reader

A/N - So I wrote this on national coming out day in like twenty minutes. Here we are much later but I hope you like it. Hopefully as much as I liked my bestie’s edits on it (btw I hope you get the title joke - I’m such a nerd whoops)

Summary - Reader doesn’t know how to tell their best friend that they’re bi...

W/C - 1.4k

Warnings - I swear like a sailor’s mother and general coming out anxiety 

----------

“So, did you like the movie?” he asks and if I’m completely being honest, I’ve forgotten he’s speaking to me. Spencer’s been splitting his time between excitedly explaining what I think might be the plot of this Saturday night movie, and animatedly telling the Saturday night movie—and I might be wrong—to fuck off. But I can’t be 100% sure.

Because the movie’s in Korean.

And he’s forgotten how to speak English for the last hour and a half.

I’ve known Spencer for a really long time, and we’ve had our fair share of grievances over the last however long we’ve been practically family. My biggest problem with him, though, was that he never would explain the plot of a movie to me in English. He would sit on my couch, eat my popcorn, promise that this time will be different, and then explain an entire Korean film to me in Korean. As if I hadn’t barely passed high school!

Sure, I never really mind the rambling—English, or whatever his new language obsession is—but tonight is different. Tonight, I’m more focused on where my ex-roommate had stashed her very forgotten vodka bottle in this stupid apartment. Or if the liquor store around the corner would sell to a girl who didn’t really look 23 and had lost her license.

I know Spencer is staring at me, but I can’t break the circle of thoughts. Vodka, liquor store, vodka, liquor store, vodka—

Can’t he stop looking at me? Can’t he stop looking at the sweat beading on my forehead? Just quit analysing the way I’m biting my nails off, finger by finger? Can’t he just stop looking? Before I fucking combust?

It’s hard enough to admit to myself that maybe—just maybe—I’m not just jealous of pretty girls. And maybe—just maybe—it’s not all that dissimilar to how I look at pretty boys. Because there are a lot of girls that are pretty. Ethereal. Too fucking hot for me to form a coherent sentence.

How is this unobservant idiot going to take the news? I didn’t take it well, and I admitted it to myself!

Here we are, sitting on this ragged old couch—the one that he nearly had a coronary over when I told him I’d got it over Craigslist—imprinted with the pair of us. What am I going to do if he doesn’t take the news well and I have to stare at this couch every day? What am I going to do with a reminder of the friendship I’d lost?

“Y/N? Am I speaking Korean again?” he asks again and I swallow in acknowledgement. If I just move my head. Come on, Y/N, just look at him. There’s no point though; if I look at him, I have to actually tell him. Actually come out of the closet. I haven’t thought up a good joke yet to ease the inevitable pain.

But he’s Dr. Freaking Spencer Reid, FBI profiler! Shouldn’t he be able to see right through me? He should know. It would be so much easier if he just knew. I want him to be able to read my mind and tell me what I should tell him.

“It’s not Korean,” I finally manage to force out. His eyebrows furrow, his cheeks tighten, his brain is working three million miles an hour to determine if I’m dying.

It’s not dying, it’s...wanting to shrink back into the couch cushions so I don’t have to work up the courage. The courage I’ve been trying to work up for weeks. The courage that is keeping my eyes on the screen even as the credits begin to roll.

He nudges me with his elbow. “Are you—are you okay? You seem kind of shaken up.”

I chance a glance at his adorable, concerned, puppy eyes and think about crying. This is Spencer—my best friend—and if he doesn’t know already, then maybe I should just stay in the closet.

What if I shattered our relationship? I mean, I know that Spencer isn’t going to hate me over this, but my brain is throwing a fit. I feel like I could run or puke ‒‒even before I’ve had the chance to drown my worries with an entire liquor store‒‒ or god, maybe both. My brain is screaming that he’ll laugh, make some comment about a threesome. I mean, what if Dr. Spencer Reed was secretly some dude-bro in a…fantastic disguise?

Peeking over, he’s definitely not a dude-bro. The rose-coloured tie is hint enough.

Spencer was so adamant about routines, distrusted change, thrived on reliability. We’d been having the same ancient fight over who was the better Doctor for at least eight years. If I changed, would he recover? Let alone, would I recover if this changed our friendship? Could I still live up to his expectations? Would he still just see me as me? Would I no longer be Y/N, but attention-seeking, indecisive Y/N?

Jesus Christ, they don’t tell you that coming out is way too fucking nerve-wracking at Orientation to Not Being Heterosexual.

“Earth to Y/N,” Spencer sing-songs, “what’s going on?”

Oh, yeah. Gotta use actual real-life words. “Oh, right, yeah. Sorry, I just—I’m just—why is this so freakin’ hard?”

Spencer groans, whines, and then drops his head into his hands. “Morgan was right, right? You’re in love with me or something and I just—“

“What?” I turn entirely towards him. Don’t even bother keeping the shock off my face. “Derek thinks I’m in love with you?”

I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out. Even when he blushes and stutters and can’t look me in the eyes anymore. It’s a blinding change of pace. He runs his fingers through his hair, tries not to let his voice wobble too much. “Are you?”

I laugh harder and wipe the tears from my eyes. “No, I’m not in love with you, Spencer. You’re like my brother.”

The relieved sigh he lets out can be heard around the world. The ‘thank god’ is harder to miss.

“Dude, I can’t believe Morgan thinks I’m in love with you. Out of everyone on your team, I’d totally be screwing Elle.”

The silence is deafening. Oh shit.

Even with the air sucked out my lungs, I fill the fucking silence royally well. “I mean—I was—there—I was going to tell you that—that—that I think I’m bi—bisexual, I mean—you know? Women and men. Men and women?”

I glance over to Spencer—jaw dropped, eyebrows furrowed, nose pinched. I know it’s him just processing the two tons of information I’d just thrown at him. I know he’s just being Spencer about it, trying his best to think before he speaks. But Jesus, would it kill him to say something?

“It explains a lot,” he bluntly snorts. A truly unhelpful tidbit of information. I groan and think about curling into a little ball. He pauses to smile to himself, nudging my foot with his. “It’s not bad! Garcia just keeps talking about how much you smile at Elle and the whole cuffed jeans thing—it just—it just makes sense.”

It was my turn to drop my jaw, but he doesn’t stop trying to prove his point that everything is starting to make sense. If anything he gets more excited. “And did you know that 3.4 women identify as lesbian or bisexual? Or that 3.6 men do? Or that Americans are more likely to report same-sex attraction but not identify as part of the community?”

“So you aren’t weirded out?”

“No,” he answers, “Why would I be? Did you think I’d be upset? Is that why you’ve been weird?”

I scrub my hands over my face. “Um, yeah, Spencer. Usually, it’s pretty hard to come out of the closet. Especially to people you respect.”

He muddles over what I’ve said. His fingers keep digging at a crease in his pants. Maybe thirty seconds later—a long thirty seconds—he cocks his head to the side and states, clear as mud, “I would’ve thought it’d be easy because you know me. I mean, you know that about me.”

“Know what about you?”

“I thought you knew that I’m sexually attracted to men and women.”

My throat constricts—not because I’m freaked out about it—but because I’m freaked out. “Did I miss this conversation?”

“I mean, I told you about how hot the main character of the movie is. And about how his girlfriend is really hot too. Did you miss that part? I spent nearly the last half hour—”

“Korean, Spencer,” I sigh. “It was in fucking Korean.”

“Oh!” he chirps and squirms like a puppy. “In that case, we get to talk about it again!”

“English, please,” I beg, and everything seems as it should be. Even if seeing the indecisive nature of our Swedish fish and sour patch kids popcorn bowl means something a little more.

[fandom-queenliness]

*Spoilers* Oni-Chan

Why just why. I have so many issues with this so I’m doing it how anyone would. A full-length essay dissecting everything I can from the subtitles. 

Be aware, I am not very pro-Love Square, and have a large number of problems with the shows writing/Adrien and his Nice Guy/Passive behaviour in general. 

Essay/salt incoming, you have been warned. Read at your own peril. 

For context, in previous episodes, Adrien has had little to no problem with Lila lying and has even gone out of his way so that she may continue lying. Kagami had about zero romantic interest in Adrien upon her first appearance in Riposte, which is, in my opinion, her truest representation. Marinette has been told to not be so jealous of Adrien multiple times, but the narrative has made it clear she has no control of her feelings when it comes to him. All of Adrien’s love interests (Chloe, Kagami, Lila, Marinette) generally all hate each other, are vindictive, cruel, petty and jealous. Adrien does literally nothing to stop them. 

First of all, they expect us to believe that Kagami is in love with the limp noddle that is Adrien? Get out. Just get out. In Riposte, I believe she had about no interest in him. She came here to fence and by gods was she going to fence. But Nooooooooo, Adrien just had to have another love interest, and no girl can be without someone to make her complete. What utter bullshit. I am so mad right now. 

Second, I’m glad that he’s finally taking a stand against Lila (though, still in a passive way. I’ll take what I can get). He’s cut her off, he’s yelled at her, scolded her. Now we just need him helping Mari taking her down, acknowledging his flaws, trying to improve himself, all while learning about boundaries and taking no for an answer. What a wonderful development of his character, Adrien salt is non-existent, the show is saved, the love square is trending. Oh wait, it is physically impossible for the writers to have Adrien improve because “he’s already perfect”. Ugh. 

Third, what a shitty reason to get akumatised. (I love Kagami btw). I mean, yeah, she can be mad, but really, over a guy. A guy who has already stated he likes another girl. (Chat had a good point, Lila and Kagami should have had Adrien’s input on his feelings instead of a game of tag around the city, but honestly does Chat even think of LB’s feelings? Does anyone, ever? A post for another day). But really a better reason could have been Kagami learning of Lila’s lying and Adrien’s passive-fucking-ness and how poorly it has affected Marinette, who Kagami was open to building a friendship with in Riposte. She could have learned what happened and felt betrayed because Adrien was not who she thought he was, and she becomes akumatised to seek revenge for Marinette and to confront Adrien without him being pulled away by his schedule. Bam we have character development and Adrien getting called out on his flaws, plus Marinette has someone standing up for her. So much better immediately. (Sidenote: Kagami’s whole speech about Adrien sucked ass I can’t believe a word of it. Just more of Astruc pushing perfect sunshine boy upon us.) 

Fourth, honestly fuck how Marinette behaved in the first half. I love my girl, she is awesome, but I am tired of her being so over the top and possessive of Adrien. Like, we get it, she likes him, but no girl - especially no girl who is as mature as the narrative is portraying her as - is going to stalk her crush and a girl all the way to his house. She has been told/told herself to stop being jealous in multiple episodes, but it’s undone by the next. Fuck that. Also, let her have some character outside of Adrien because honestly, I am sick and tired of him and how Marinette is made to act around him. So much of her development is around him and it’s not a good message for the age demographic this show is targeted at. It’s just terrible honestly. 

Fifth, KAGAMI CUT DOWN A TREE AND IT WAS AWESOME. SHE’S SO STRONG, I LOVE HER. *Swoons* 

Sixth, Lila had some good lies. Fucking finally. It was about time. I was worried she was incapable. And some back story on her? Wonderful, personally I can’t find an absent mother as a good excuse because the mother clearly loves her dearly but it’s nice, nonetheless. And Lila manipulating Oni-Chan? Great, just so glad that I can actually start seeing her as a threat to something other than the Love Square in canon. And that bit where Gabriel was clearly seeing her as a weapon/ally was like water in a desert, the plot is moving, hussah. God it was refreshing but we all know it won’t last. C’est la vie. 

Seventh, loved the fireman thing. Him helping Mari and LB? Adorable. Hated the reason why he helped Marinette, but it was cute how he comforted her. (Honestly I kinda wanted him to tell Mari if this guy was bothering her so much maybe she should let him go. Idk I’m just so fucking tired man). He can be added to the Marinette protection squad I love how he’s all about the safety. 

Eight, notice how Chat was whining about how no one fights over him. Are we really going there? Really. I just, Jesus. The boy is a model, famous, rich, and has girls and guys fawning over him as Adrien enough, which he clearly does not appreciate. Does he really want that as Chat, or does he just girls he can use to make Ladybug jealous, like dolls to be discarded when he is done? A question for another day. 

Ninth, Tikki finally gives Marinette some good advice but it’s too late and I’m already cringing over the whole trash bin thing. I just—*sigh* 

Tenth, Kagami’s costume? Hurts my eyes. The potential was there but it was wasted. I’m so sorry that Hawkbitch forced my girl to wear that. My poor sword lesbian. 

Eleventh, Adrien continues to be a passive bitch, letting Lila sneak around him room, ignoring Plagg’s warnings, and only getting truly upset when Lila manipulated him into leaving LB. I’m mad about that too, because like, sure he thought she was hurt, but couldn’t he have just set her down on a rooftop somewhere safe instead of the whole hospital bit? Btw, I love fireman guy seeing through Lila’s shit. “This is what you get for now wearing kneepads”. He is so concerned for safety. My boy. 

Twelfth, LB using Oni-Chan’s powers against her was beautiful. We stan a queen. So smart, so brave, I love her. 

Thirteenth, they really made Kagami idolise that fucking rose Adrien gave her. The rose Adrien originally gave LB, the rose he gave her before asking her out on a terrible date. The terrible date where he invited another girl, payed more attention to said other girl, and then made it clear to Kagami that he was using her as a rebound and he was still not over the girl who rejected him. They are really trying to make us believe Kagami the Queen loves this guy? Really? 

Fourteenth, the horn was hilarious. I wish she was stuck with it. Or at least LB video Lila lying and her horn growing. It was a beautiful thing. 

Fifteen I don’t get the whole “Chat ignores the Bien-Joué from LB to help Kagami up is Bad and Terrible”. Like, I hate the implications and subtext behind it. And the way LB deflated over it. It was unnecessary and jsut there to stir up trouble. Just… fuck that. 

Sixteenth, LB abandoning Lila to walk home was wonderful. I wish Mari was allowed to be like that outside of the mask and not get demonised for it. 

Seventeenth, Alya asking Mari why she’s not “keeping an eye” on Adrien and Lila and Marinette saying she “trusts” Adrien with Lila is weird for me. Cause it’s like she was saying it like she was Adrien’s girlfriend and was trusting him not to cheat. It was like she was already laying claim to a guy that she can barely talk to. In fact, they didn’t talk at all in this ep. Mari and Juleka had more exchanges than her and Adrien. Pshh. 

Eighteenth, Gabriel is a piece of shit. Not letting his son have friends. No wonder he’s like this. Plus making a deal with the bitch who feels so entitled to Adrien is a dick move. Fuck Gabriel and his candy cane tie. 

Nineteenth, Lila manipulated Natalie. What the shit. I’m impressed. I’m loving this whole thing. I’m really excited for Lila working with Hawkbitch. It’s going to be either really good or bad as shit. I am worried for Adrien. Just because I don’t like how he’s being portrayed doesn’t mean he should suffer at the hands of Lila. Also her mirroring Gabriel’s want to shield his son is kinda creepy and possessive. Ew. 

Twenty, Adrien: “Lila, you can count on me, unless you hurt the people I love”. Um, how about Marinette? I get you don’t love her romantically but what about your good friend??? Or do you just not care about her?? Throwback to Chameleon where Adrien decided keeping Lila from being akumatised mattered less than the truth and Marinette’s feelings. Yeah, he’s such a great role model and such a wise choice for a love interest. 

As you can see from the evidence, this episode sucked. Kagami and Marinette deserve better (preferably each other) and not the limp blond pasta sucker that is Adrien Agreste. Very sorry if you’re feeling offended by this post, feel free to rant and complain about it and me. 

[uhhhhhhokay]

My Unpopular Opinions of 2018

This is messy, a bit mean, and full of my mad/irritated feelings. You’ve been warned. No slipping into my asks as an anon to fight with me because I’ve posted this on my account. These are my opinions and I’ve already said that they aren’t that nice to some shows

1) Charmed and Black Lightning are the only good CW shows and it has the best lesbian rep of 2018 (and Rosa from b99 would be the best bisexual rep)

2) Melanie Scrofano/Wynonna Earp is the best part of Wynonna Earp. Honestly lately the rest of the characters for me have either awful or boring or funny but given nothing to do

3) Also even though she’s the main actress, Melanie is somehow the most underrated actress/character in the show. She’s disregarded by so many fans, either in favor of Wayhaught or Doc, and the show treats her like shit by constantly putting her with Doc

4) Descendants fans who pit Dove Cameron and China Anne McClain against each other in the hopes of making the other seem superior are doing absolutely nothing for their careers and are contributing to the unnecessary comparison between successful women

5) Also I don’t care if you don’t like Dove Cameron, but hating her for that Mal/Harry comment she made months ago is so fucking ridiculous. She’s a girl in love who also loves her character, god forbid she make her own headcanons for it, and it wasn’t like she was asking for it to happen (and no she wasn’t disregarding Mal’s current relationship Ben because she was talking about Mal and Harry being exes god damnit) 

6) I can’t believe i have to say this in 2018 BUT STOP WITH THE INCEST STORYLINES! IT AIN’T CREATIVE OR SURPRISING BITCHES JUST GROSS

7) ALSO STOP SHIPPING INCEST GOD PLEASE STOP

8) Timothee Chamalet or whatever his name is, isn’t that great. Like he’s fine I guess but like....Have you seen other actors? I mean, there’s Fady Elsayed, Jack Black, Jordan Renzo, Greg Austin (rip Class), and so many more actors that are, in my opinon, significantly more talented

9) Letterkenny and Galavant are the best comedies out there

10) Riverdale is shit for erasing Jughead’s asexuality and queerbaiting fans at the beginning with Beronica 

11) I’ve said this before, but people disliking Cole Sprouse because of the abuse allegation against him is incredibly valid. 

12) Mike Flanagan, Jordan Peele, and Kate Siegel are the only people I trust to write some bone chilling horror stories 

13) The Haunting of Hill House is better than American Horror Story and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrine combined 

Now it’s time to get serious.....

14) I have no respect and cannot get along with people who talk about how ugly people are 

15) The hellsite is shit for so many reasons but some of its worst qualities are when people take a situation and make it black and white, have zero sympathy or empathy for other people, and twist peoples words and put in meanings that were never there

16) I also hate how how people only care about mental illness when it doesn’t come to their jokes or memes. For example, mental health has been talked about a lot in regards to Ariana Grande, which is good, but once her engagement with Pete Davidson ended, no one hesitated to attack him in almost every way possible even though the man has been very outspoken about his depression. I don’t know shit about Pete Davidson but I’ve seen him relentlessly be attacked and have his depression and suicidal thoughts be joked about. 

17) Stanning is a fucked up culture that we need to leave behind in 2018. There are some celebrities who have a lot of projects that I love and I admire their talent, but the concept of stanning either includes an unhealthy amount of devotion to a celebrity or it erases them as a human being and reduces them down to objects. In some cases, both of these are true. It’s a sick thing for both fans and the celebrities. If a celebrity does something wrong, call them out, and if they don’t listen, well forget it or move on. Cancelling them as if they can be thrown in the garbage and disposed of promotes negativity and hatred, which is doesn’t solve anything, and it can inhibit any growth from that celebrity. They are human and will inevitably fuck up. It’s the only way to learn and grow. 

18) This is about Wynonna Earp but it’s a serious post. I’ve made my thoughts about this show abundantly clear but there is one thing I haven’t talked about at all and that’s the racism in the show and in the fanbase. Disclaimer: I am white. This show hasn’t treated any of their poc or black characters well. The latest example would be the treatment of Dolls and Kate. The last two seasons Doc has had two women of color as his love interests, and both of these characters have been treated as objects to make Wynonna jealous. There is also the lack of story and villainization of these women. There is also the major lack of story with Dolls, which most likely led to Shamier Anderson’s decision to leave. I won’t get into anymore, this is how I’ve always viewed these poor storylines, but I will say this: white fans of Wynonna Earp, we do not get a say on how black viewers should feel about any of these storylines. White lesbians, you would be livid is Waverly or Nicole were killed, and rightfully so. Black people or people of color probably felt the rage you would’ve felt if you lost one of those characters when Dolls was killed off. Telling people to get over it is cruel. If people want to stop watching, that is their right. We have no place in telling them how they should feel about the treatment of their representation. 

19) I made this post a while ago but it holds true: https://uhhhhhhokay.tumblr.com/post/179314393735/shows-with-good-lgbt-rep

20) Everyone needs a break from social media. I know that for some people, it really helps because we have friends on here that we can talk to, but it also has so many negative effects. The real world is nothing like this toxic website. You should take breaks from it every once in a while. You need to get hobbies. You need some other past time than this website. The majority of people on this site aren’t good and everyone should take a breather from it. I take breaks from this site on a regular basis and when I do it feels so fucking good. 

21) Random but The Lodgers is the worst movie ever and it’s an even worse horror movie. Would not recommend. Unless you feel like roasting something for an hour and a half. The only good part about watching that movie was that I watched it with my roommate who I am good friends with and we laughed our asses off and made fun of it so much. It is truly awful. Even though I had a blast roasting it, I will never get that time of my life back. 

22) The Last Jedi does not deserve that 91% on rotten tomatoes. Just like how The Lodgers deserves far less than 56%.

23) Time to get serious again. I get that a lot of us wished that the shows we loved were real, but they aren’t. That’s a fact that everyone needs to realize and accept. To me, hating an actor for their character’s actions is just as fucked up as stanning. They aren’t their character. They are not responsible for the shit their characters pull. They are carrying out the story written for them. As for writers, sometimes the writers do not support their characters actions either. Just because the character is evil or mean or whatever does not always mean that the people who work behind the curtain support that. 

24) Shipping real people and harassing them is sooo inappropriate and messed up. I shouldn’t really have to explain this one but too many people on this site don’t seem to grasp it. I mean, didn’t Harry Styles say a while ago that all the smutty fanfics, tweets, and fanarts about him and his bandmates effect his friendships with him? Him reacting that way is not homophobic, btw. It is him reacting naturally to people fetishizing and sexualizing him and his friends. These are real people. Their relationship, sexuality, and god just so much of their lives is none of our business. They don’t owe us any information about their personal lives. We don’t own them. They are their own people, which also means that they make their own mistakes. 

25) Random again, but original Charmed fans put their show too high of a pedestal. I never got really into show. I tried it, think I watched half of the first season, and I did a little research on it and I was in the fanbase for a hot sec but it was very short. From my research, it seems to me, that for a feminist show, the cast (except Shannon Doherty) was the opposite behind the scenes. I know you can’t help who you don’t like but you can control how you talk about someone, especially to the public, and from what I’ve seen there’s been more negative comments from them about their castmates than positive. I don’t think anyone will know the whole story but to me the feud between the og’s leading ladies has always very catty to me, and it’s gotten even worse with the remake. You can be protective of your show without being rude. You don’t have to support the remake, and you can do that without being rude either. By the way, this is more directed towards Holly Marie Combs, who I believe has been the most outspoken about being against it. Three young actresses are doing the job they love and they were given a chance to be the new charmed ones for a new generation. There is no reason to be so negative about it. It looks even more immature when you see the cast of the original Sabrina who gleefully gave their support to the new cast. 

26) Adults please stop thinking every show is for you. it’s not. Some shows are for kids, some shows are for teenagers, and some shows are for you. If you enjoy the show that’s directed towards a younger audience then that’s great. If you don’t enjoy it, then that’s fine too. What is not fine is you acting like that show was meant for you and tearing it apart and bullying people of that directed age group online. I can’t believe the amount of times I’ve seen some 19-40 year old dipshit on the internet go and bully a 15 year old only because they said they loved a show. That is not only sick and immature but it’s uncalled for. 

27) Also 15 year olds or younger, do not use your age as an excuse to be mean either. You might be young and you will definitely make huge mistakes, but there’s is nothing to justify you telling someone to kill themselves or insulting them just because they don’t like your favorite character or something. You might not be as experienced as some adults, but you’re old enough to know what the fuck you’re doing and how wrong it is. Don’t be cruel and blame it on you being young and stupid. You maybe young and all of us will always be a bit stupid, but that does not excuse your behavior. And @ older people who do that shit too, your older age and power does not excuse your cruelty either. Nothing excuses telling someone to kill themselves. Ever. Especially if it’s over a goddamn tv show. 

28) Can Ryan Murphy please just make one tv show and stick with it until it ends? He has so many great concepts but because he wants to do all of them at once they all go downhill after one season. 

29) On the same but different note, fuck Ryan Murphy for having Violet and Tate get back together. My girl deserves better than a serial killer/rapist that also got her mom killed because he impregnated her with the anti christ. Fuck that.

I never intended this to be so long lol no one will read this

30) The Hormone Monster is literally a metaphor for hormones. Stop twisting it into pedophilia. That show is so sex positive and is so much better than most of the sex ed that we got. 

31) Let’s leave monster fucking behind please

32) Puzzles are a treat to do

33) Funko pops are cute but they make a lot of dumbass decisions regarding which ones to make (like I saw pops of that new nutcracker movie a while before it was released like maybe wait and see how it does first????)

34) Also lets stop thinking of ships/shows as a way to up yourself as more progressive or whatever. We all have our trash shows and ships, stop acting like a saint. Just because someone has a trash ship, does not mean they are lesser than you. 

35) Fanbases are usually always trash. This didn’t change at all in 2018. 

36) Class’s first season was significantly better than Torchwoods first season. You guys are just mean. 

37) While I adore Class, Patrick Ness’s dialogue was really YIKES sometimes (the Charlie April deleted scene nearly killed me). Overall it was good though because it was the closest depiction of how teens speak.

38) Also any teen drama show that has a teen speak seriously in a hashtag should burn in hell (if a hashtag is used in dialogue as joke then it’s fine because it’s funny)

39) An actor being on a show you don’t like does not warrant hate

40) It’s been two years since Class but still, fuck the dw fans who were/are so mean to the class actors, especially Vivian Oparah and Sophie Hopkins. 

I think that’s it.

[lilietsblog]

my mirai nikki liveblog notes from last night

yandere is a gross and creepy fandom trope beloved by gross and creepy fandom dudes but I really like Mirai Nikki and personally Gasai Yuno, and I hope she finds some stability in her mind orrr she could kill either herself or Yukki to get the other to be the god of time and space and I'm honestly not sure which of those would be a healthier decision or more fascinating to watch. but i dont want this ending bc of the cop )= (my taste in anime is impeccable)

I like how Yukki is still majorly creeped out by Yuno, even if making out with her is no longer even a Big Thing for him

WHY DID THIS THING JUST HAPPEN THIS IS LIKE THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK I like the girl just snapping photos of everything I aspire to be this chill

Yuno if you fuck up Yukki's friendships because you are jealous I'm going to be very cross with you that's exactly what you're going to do isn't it I mean you've been 100% right about Tsubasa and you've been actually very charismatic with Yukki's mom but I can just feel the trainwreck coming

huh, they all end up just hanging out together, that's surprisingly nice I'm glad things other than blood and carnage are allowed to happen in this anime it won't last long will it

shine shine shine wow Yuno maybe chill

Mao and Hinata, I swear I'm going to remember this

HINATA PLEASE OH PLEASE DON'T GET MURDERED BY A SERIAL KILLER WHAT THE FUCK ANIME WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME THESE THOUGHTS DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE HAVE ME BE RIGHT ABOUT THE FORESHADOWING

okay what followed was teeth snapping not blood from a bitten throat so maybe she won't die after all thank god

NO HINATA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO GET EATEN ON PURPOSE YOU ARE THE PUREST CREATURE IN THIS ENTIRE ANIME PLEASE DONT DIE

guys you are discussing it with them walking right behind you how well have you thought this through I guess they were further behind?

I SURE HOPE RUNNING CHANGED THE FUTURE AND SHE IS STILL ALIVE

Akise is another Diary owner isn't he

I feel Yukki on his Definite Overload With Everything

I sure hope those are not Akise's dogs that Akise deliberately set on them to engineer this situation

hm well at least this is not personally Akise, doesn't mean he's not affiliated with this guy at the very least they seem to share hair color

I love Mary tho

hmmm this might actually not be the guy with the flesh eating dogs, these look different okay I'm holding off on further speculation right now and giving it a tentative 50/50, as well as to Akise turning out to have been behind the attack

okay what the FUCK that looks like Hinata

fuuuck i am SO tempted to like Akise but that would also come with a sore wish to have him Join The Team and I hoped that for Tsubasa too >_> my heart can't take it

...that feeling when Yuno is being the Voice of Reason

aaand it's gone

shit I hope Yukki figures out what to do about this shit situation because I'm out of ideas HEY NICE PUTTING THAT DIARY TO WORK I SURE AS SHIT HOPE THERE WON'T BE AS MANY DEAD BODIES AS WITH THE SIXTH THO TO BE FAIR THEY WERENT NAMED CHARACTERS I HOPE THESE KIDS' PLOT PURPOSE IS NOT TO DIE POINTLESSLY HINATA WAS ENOUGH OF A SACRIFICE WHICH I WAS RIGHT ABOUT BTW DEPRESSINGLY ENOUGH STILL DIDN'T EXPECT THIS THO this anime just kind of keeps escalating in ways I fail to expect time after time

please Yukki don't tell them about your diary there's nothing about that that's not a bad idea don't drag them into this aaand of course that's what you're doing and once again, Yuno is me

aaand there's Mao isn't there fuck not the one I was expecting at least thank you Akase for it not being you

okay Hinata is alive that's fair enough except she won't be for long will she why must you take away Pure things from me anime why ugggghhhh

a Breeder's diary??? oh right dogs whew

oh my god Akise too????? okay this is kind of hilarious now I hope they go for a reverse of the temple thing and he actually gets to join the squad I guess the girls were doomed because of Yuno anyway but he has a chance

so I think Deus rigged this whole game specifically for Yukki his random observations diary made the future diary a very interesting idea and a very powerful tool but then Deus threw a bunch of various... interesting characters into it, and I imagine physical proximity (or ability and willingness to get around fast) and, ah, interestingness of character were the main criteria, and he went for ANY kind of diary at all, which made most of theirs much less potent

another thing I'm thinking is I've been noticing the small child holding hands with ?parents? in the end credits for a while, and it looks like Hinata, and she might be an important character

maybe this anime just burned through a few expendable characters at the beginning to set up the situation and create the athmosphere, and the main plot is going to be about a bunch of high schoolers after all, because that's just how anime rolls - high schoolers would be the major characters out of the whole bunch of diary owners

so maybe they're not all dying next episode is what i'm trying to say

Murmur is amazing btw

hum so Akise got his diary late? or does he not have one after all oh my god I love Akise so much already his expression here like 'i can't believe i'm going along with this' and yet he's going along with this like sure ok

aaand SUDDEN DORK MODE oh no I have a new favorite character please don't turn out to secretly be a mass murderer that's all I ask ;~; hum might he not actually have a diary after all dammit these are supposed to be post credit scenes not revealing plot twists I'm just confusing myself at this point aren't I

lol oh my god they thought Akise was a diary owner but he's just a guy who's good at investigation isn't he

or is he??? godfuckingdammit I need to stop doing this to myself theorizing is a bad habit that I get way too into I don't like bumpy rides of plot twists I like being able to follow what the fuck is going on )=

yeah he does not have a diary nor any idea what's going on does he lol I called it seconds before Yuno caught on it's kind of interesting how it seems her job is to be the genre savvy one, whose usefulness is however kind of fucked up by her brain cockroaches

Yuno??????? why are you doing this HE IS TRYING TO WIN BACK YUKKI'S DIARY WHY WHY WHY HE IS ON YOUR SIDE DOn'T FUCK UP HIS GAME

I guess she caught on that he was bluffing but??? ??? ???

and Akise's just going nuts and laughing because what else is left to do honestly

Akise why are you so fucking likable how dare you I'm actually angry at this development HAVE A FLAW DAMN YOU I CANNOT RELAX BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT I CANNOT TRUST WHAT I AM SEEING THIS FUCKING ANIME

oh man I thought they were lesbians when Mao first brought up that she's taken, but this is V Cute

oh my fucking god Akise have you MISSED Yuno's thing in your investigation or are you doing this ON PURPOSE

wait what just happened was that yandere on yandere combat or what

Mao what the fuck were you doing

Yuno you are an ASSHOLE I hope everyone other than Yukki keeps just ignoring everything you say and do

I love this one normal guy who's kind of a dick and just reacts normally to things and his contrast to Akise whom I love

honestly Yukki I agree I think I DON'T WANT TO is the only argument Yuno can be receptive to

oooor that only makes things worse huh Yuno honey please settle down believe in Yukki a little more than that

oh hey good solution even if it's just getting yourself deeper in I guess in a BLOOD DEATH situation it's kind of the best available option

"You don't want me to hate you, do you?" A+ game Yukki hit her where it hurts aka explain basic facts of human relationships >_>

aaand yep he's freaking out because he doesn't even like her that way and he's getting deeper and deeper in )=

oh my god Hinata's dad do you realize you've GIVEN HER YOUR DIARY YOU DUMB FUCK ALL ANYONE PRESENT NEEDS TO DO TO KILL YOU IS BREAK IT

uuunless that was a lie huh can't deny that possibility

lol Akise also has voice of reason tendencies <3

hum okay dammit I liked the cop a lot then again Akise is like him+ as far as having an Awesome detective character goes and Yukki has a Squad his age now I'm surprised by how well this went actually

another episode and I'm going to sleep (yes i'm aware these are Cursed Words but what if I'm lucky)

Yuno? Uh, are you okay?...

see the thing is I really can't find a way to apply to this anime the standards of 'healthy relationship with a mentally ill person' because PEOPLE ARE DYING AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE LET'S PUT THAT OFF UNTIL THE FUCKING GAME IS OVER like Yukki can't just ditch Yuno because she keeps fucking saving his life??? and Yuno can't just resolve to Not Murder because that keeps fucking saving both of their lives??? they can't do what would have been the Reasonable Thing To Do under normal circumstances because these SURE AS FUCK AREN'T NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES

oh please girl are you sure anyone's MAKING you do anything

wait what the fuck is going on here oh it's Murmur fucking around isn't it yep there it is

hum

okay I'm not sure what's happening like, what? seriously? what the fuck

okay so that's what happened huh that still leaves a lot of holes but okay

uh Akise why what makes you think this is a good idea I mean I've noticed you don't exactly have conventional emotional responses to fucked up stuff either but like seriously

oh Yukki you're starting to become more OK with murder that's just the world you live in huh

awww he cares about her when they are one on one as much as he cares about EVERYONE which he does because he is wonderful and I love him it's just in mixed company that Yuno's stalkerish shit gets lower priority to everyone else's normal shit and Yukki is 100% right in that

aha I'd been wondering whose last name I forgot

ahhh so that's what he was doing that makes more sense than him being a shipper on deck -_- just throwing Yukki under the bus for the sake of investigation that's p much normal... by this anime's standards...

also holy damn Yuno you can work when you try hum self-induced amnesia or something? that's almost a sensible coping mechanism I'm glad the anime is actually paying attention to that

augh what the fuck Kurusu why do you gotta hum and there's that other detective uuugh this anime has way too much going on I guess it IS 11 pm and I HAD decided to go to sleep after this

[missmeikakuna]

Chad and the Incel Chapter 5

Rated: M

Fandom: Original Fiction (but inspired by the Virgin vs Chad meme)

Relationship type: Male/Male with a bit of Female/Female (the lesbians are adorable, btw) and unrequited Male/Female (in other words, the guys are bisexual).

Description: Chad is, well, a Chad, or at least he looks like one. He’s got his sights set on the cool nerd Becky and enlists the help of her shy incel ex-friend Noah, offering to help him get the gorgeous girl (Stacy) he desperately wants. Noah is reluctant to help, believing that he will be stuck in inceldom forever, but Chad’s interest in his life gives him hope. When their plans go awry, they start turning their romantic attention towards each other.

Content Warning: Given the subject matter, you can guess that this story has dark themes in it, such as suicide and self-harm (plus the mental health issues that often cause them), sexism, slut-shaming homophobia, biphobia and transphobia. There is also swearing and some mentions of sex but nothing too explicit (hence the M rating as opposed to an Explicit rating).

5th Post: Rate my looks

Noah’s hand wobbled as he held his phone up. The same words repeated in his head.

‘I’m not taking a selfie because I’m a narcissist. This is important research.’

He took a photo and glowered at it. He took another photo. Then another. Eventually he had taken ten photos and hated all of them. He took one last photo and sighed. It would have to do.

He uploaded the photo to Incels.me while holding his breath. His nerves were set aflame and he felt like pacing through his house. He expected low ratings on his looks from the other incels but he knew he needed to see those bad ratings, anything to take him out of the fairyland he’d let himself fall in thanks to Chad. He lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he would ever get any sleep. Half an hour later, his drooping eyes gave him his answer.

When he arrived at school the next day, his jitteriness was not lost in Chad. ‘You okay?’ Chad asked as they sat down to eat at lunchtime.

‘I’m fine!’ Noah snapped at him.

‘Jeez, who woke up on the wrong side of the-’

‘I have no patience for clichés right now, Chad Thundercock.’

Chad’s cheeks cherried up. ‘What did you call me?’ The speed of his heartbeats would impress a bullet train.

Noah’s face turned into the colour opposite to the pill mentality he followed. He looked around the cafeteria and thanked the laws of nature that everyone was too busy talking to each other to overhear what he said.

‘I didn’t mean… it was an accident. I’ve heard people call popular guys Chad Thundercock, so it just kind of slipped out. It’s just a meme.’

A high-pitched and overly loud laugh came from Chad’s throat, his mind repeatedly telling his cheeks to turn down the heat and said cheeks refusing to listen. His eyebrows raised and pushed themselves together, creating wrinkles on his forehead.

On the other side of the cafeteria, Becky walked up to Stacy’s table, which was full of equally blonde and tan girls. She gestured to the one empty seat at the table.

‘May I sit?’

‘Um, I guess?’ one of the girls responded. ‘Why, though?’

‘I would like to get to know Stacy more.’

The girls at the table went, ‘Oooh!’ Stacy’s face went hot enough and her eyes grew big enough to make the sun jealous. Becky noticed this.

‘I see,’ she said. ‘I shall keep my reasoning between Stacy and me.’ As Becky sat down, Stacy looked away.

Another girl said in a nasal voice, ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s unusual for someone like you to want to be friends with someone like Stacy.’

Becky smiled. ‘Yes, friends. Well, Stacy approached me first.’

Never mind the sun, at this point Wolf-Rayet stars were probably envious of the heat coming from Stacy’s cheeks. The other girls leaned towards her. Becky crossed her arms as if expecting an answer.

‘Well, um, well, uh, I saw a photo of a fangtooth fish on her exercise book in science class,’ Stacy explained.

After a moment of silence came laughter. ‘That’s the reason?’ the nasally voiced girl asked. ‘What the hell is a fangtooth fish? Sounds gross. As if someone like you would like something gross like that! And wait, since when do you take science classes, Stacy? You do realise that’s not compulsory for seniors, right?’

‘Uh, well, it’s a…’ Each word Stacy said went quieter until nothing but her breaths could be heard. Becky gave her a warm smile and the other girls a cold glare.

‘The fangtooth fish is a deep-sea fish,’ she explained. ‘I thought it would be fitting for me to put a deep-sea fish on the cover of a book that encourages me to dive deep into how the world works. It’s a symbol of curiosity and I am glad Stacy noticed it. It may look gross but I still find it more encouraging to look at than a group of pretty girls who belittle their friend’s interests.’

The girls stared at Becky in stunned silence. Breaking the silence, the nasal girl asked, ‘Do you think you’re smarter than us or something?’

Now it was Becky’s turn to stare in silence. After a while she bowed her head and apologised. ‘I shouldn’t let intellectual snobbery take over me. I hope you know that your appearance is unrelated to my view of your intelligence. After all, Stacy is visually appealing and I don’t find her to be particularly unintelligent. I should go.’

As Becky stood up with her tray, so did Stacy, who apologised to the other girls and followed Becky to another table. 

‘I’ve accomplished my mission,’ Becky said with a smile that grew bigger when Stacy raised an eyebrow. ‘I’ve learnt more about you. And in such a short time! You like deep-sea creatures and your friends are a little bitchy.’

‘They’re not bitchy! I swear they’re nice.’

Becky chuckled. ‘Then why did your voice get quieter at the word ‘nice’?’

‘And besides, it’s not deep-sea creatures I like, per se,’ Stacy revealed as she repeatedly stabbed her mash potato with her fork. ‘It’s sea creatures in general.’

‘I’ve got to admit, I’ve never heard of someone getting a crush on someone because of a fangtooth fish. Do their strong jaw muscles make your heart race?’ Becky winked and decided to test Stacy with the next question. ‘Or is it their ability to see in the dark?’

‘They have terrible eyesight, actually. You of all people should know.’

Becky leaned in closer, once again bringing heat to Stacy’s cheeks. ‘Marry me.’

Stacy pushed her head away. ‘Shut up! There are loads of people around. And besides, what made you want to get to know me? I thought you wanted to focus on school.’

It took Becky a while to answer, and during that break she stole a forkful of mashed potato from Stacy’s plate, earning a little whine from her. She laughed before swallowing the mash.

‘I’ve been thinking about it and I realised I’m fine. I’m doing fairly well in school so there’s no need for me to hold off on interpersonal relationships. If you haven’t changed your mind, I’d be happy to go out with you.’

Stacy covered her mouth but the creasing in her eyes told Becky that she was smiling. The blonde girl nodded and the brunette held out her hand.

‘Can I put my number in your phone?’ 

After swapping numbers, the two ate and talked about sea creatures until they had no food left. At that point they chatted about school until the bell rang.

Instead of paying attention in class, Noah scratched his itch by looking at his phone, which finally had more gigs of data. He went on Incels.me and felt his heart drop.

Ropeornope- You look disgusting. You’ve got no chin and your eyebrows are giant bushes. I’d say a 1/10. Find a sub-3 girl and you’ll have a chance. Maybe.

Ricecel- I’d say you’re a 3/10, but your tiny wrists threaten to put that number into the negative. Like, dude, you sure you’re a guy? My dick’s thicker than both of those things combined.

Lookcel404- 2/10. No femoid’s going to go after a deformed chinless dude like you. And why has no one pointed out your eyes? You look like a fucking femoid with them, so your only hope is to go for a pseudo-lesbian or some shit like that.

There were several more but the teacher asked Noah a question so he didn’t look at the rest. When school ended, Chad asked Noah if he could hang out at his place. 

When Noah asked why, Chad responded, ‘I’m curious. I want to see what it looks like.’

‘Am I some kind of zoo animal?’ Noah asked with a sneer, but he ended up leading Chad to his place in his old beat-up car, with Chad driving behind him in his shiny new car.

The wide one-story house stood in the middle of two palm trees whose dark leaves made the creamy walls stand out. The pebbled walkway to the house was lined with punch bowl godetias and California poppies. Between the letterbox and the stone-bordered pond was a grey limestone statue, about the height of the letterbox, of a cat sitting on a pillar. That statue made Chad forget about his initial disappointment upon seeing such a quaint, normal house.

When Noah opened the door, he was greeted by the loud meow of a silver cat with carbon-grey stripes. Chad was about to take in the features of the house’s interior but this kitty was much too distracting.

She rubbed herself against Chad’s legs. Noah chuckled. ‘Even cats like Chads, apparently,’ he said as he picked her up. He grabbed her paw and shook it up and down. ‘This is Mittens. Mom chose the name, so don’t call me a normie.’ Chad lightly tapped the cat’s head. Noah frowned and grabbed Chad’s hand, stroking the soft-furred cat with it. ‘Do it properly. Mittens deserves the best.’  The sudden grin on Noah’s face spread warmth throughout Chad’s heart. 

Noah’s bedroom was a mix of expected and unexpected things. There were anime posters on the walls and figurines in a display cabinet, of course, but there were also model planes in that same cabinet. The bed was covered with a knitted quilt decorated with kittens. Near the door was a large wooden desk with a gaming laptop on it. Next to the laptop was a mirror.

The mirror faced the other way, so Chad turned it and saw a little crack in the corner. Noah stormed up to him, shoved his hand away and put it back.

‘I’ll die if I look into that damn thing again. I’d break it, but it’d make me look even uglier.’

Chad chuckled with a raised eyebrow. ‘What? Who told you you’re ugly?’

Noah sat on the bed, wrapping his fingers around his slender wrists. ‘Haven’t you got eyes? Look at these skinny things! They’re probably smaller than the average dick. I shouldn’t have bothered teaming up with you. I’m ugly as sin, practically deformed.’ He ran his hand up his neck and rested it against his chin. ‘My chin’s weak. Maybe if it was a few inches longer, I’d be able to get any girl interested, but no. I’m stuck with this chin and this overgrown nose and these pimples that make me look like I’ve got the plague. I’m surprised no foid has fainted in horror when looking at me yet.’ When he saw Chad stare at him, he covered his face.

Chad walked up to him and leaned down towards him, grabbing his wrists and dragging them down. Noah flailed but wasn’t strong enough. Chad let go of one of his wrists and took off his glasses, getting a closer look at him. He pushed his bangs away.

‘What are you talking about? You’re…’

There weren’t many pimples on Noah’s face, at least no more than Chad did most of the time. His nose wasn’t overgrown at all despite what he claimed, just slightly Romanesque. He was right about his chin not being huge but he seemed to miss the fact that it made his face look soft and welcoming. 

As Noah bit his medium-sized lips in embarrassment, Chad basked in their sultriness. To him they were the absolute perfect size.

Noah’s thick eyebrows prevented his large round eyes from overwhelming his face, though those eyes were what Chad focused on the most. They were a brilliant shade of peridot and framed by long lashes.

Chad gulped, his eyes making him look like a fish on land. ‘… hot…’

Noah mustered enough strength to push his arms off him and take his glasses back. ‘Thanks, way to make me feel great about wearing glasses. You’re a real charmer, you.’

As he put them back on, he saw that Chad was continuing to gawk at him. ‘Still… hot…’ Chad whispered. ‘Then again, glasses are my…’ He coughed the final word away, straightened his back and walked back to the mirror, picking it up and showing it to him. Once again Noah covered his face and, just as before, Chad pulled his hands away. ‘See? You’re fine. What kind of girl would run away from this?’

Instead of looking at his reflection, he looked up at Chad. As their eyes met they just stared at each other in wide-eyed silence.

Tears built up in Chad’s eyes. He blinked them away and dropped the mirror onto Noah’s lap. He picked up his bag and rushed out of the room.

Even after escaping the house, Chad could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire body. Shivers kept swimming down his skin and his hands became drenched in sweat.

‘Fuck,’ he hissed. ‘Not again.’

[mythicaldeathdeity]

I’ve decided to post my coming out story. I don’t think many people will see it but I don’t have anywhere else to put it, so here it is.

In 7th grade, I met a girl. I don’t know why, but I was interested in her immediately. Mind you, I was straight, but I never really bothered proclaiming that I would never not be. Anyway, I convinced myself I really wanted to be her friend but that we would probably never talk. We ended up meeting through a mutual friend and became best friends.

That New Year’s, at another friend’s house, she told us she was dating a girl. I assumed she was a lesbian but I never really bothered to ask. I didn’t know much about the LGBT+ community, but it didn’t feel very weird to me. It’s not like she changed any.

In the lovely year of 8th grade, I had a dream that my lesbian best friend had broken up with her girlfriend but wanted her back and needed a fake date to make her jealous. I, having a minor dream crush on her, volunteered and we pretended to date. Upon waking up, I was convinced that it meant nothing because I did not like her like that.

Spoiler: I did.

And I realized that about two months later. That lasted about a week before I decided I just did not know the limits of friendship and didn’t like her.

Wrong. I resumed my feelings a month later and tried to keep it a secret (she did have a girlfriend, after all [btw, I never liked her girlfriend but pretended to; but honestly, she was a shitty person and I didn’t think much of it]). I immediately related to pansexual, not surprised at all. So, it being December, we went back to the friend’s house for New Year’s (that comes up several times). We acted super drunk on nonalcoholic apple cider, dancing and acting like a couple, and swore to never speak of it again. Spoiler: we always did.

Then, before a parade, I finally told someone I liked the girl. I almost got caught saying it though.

A week or so later, it was almost Valentine’s Day. Another friend (whom I hated too) confessed to several of us that she had a crush on my crush. Huh. Well, the girl I hated asked out the girl I liked on Friday the 13th. And she said yes.

They lasted about three months and, three days after they broke up, I confessed my feelings. Obviously, nothing happened, but neither of us were ready for it to.

That was the end of the school year, so I tried to forget about things over the summer. Spoiler: I didn’t. Near the end of summer, she implied she was crushing on someone else and I had to confess my feelings again. She said she still wasn’t ready. But she did have a crush, and this resulted in a fight for a few months.

I started hanging out with other people for a bit, just to distract myself. That included her more recent ex (my former enemy) and another super hot girl. So I developed a crush on the latter, of course, finally convincing myself I was over the other girl. Spoiler: I wasn’t.

Oh, and the girl I now liked was the ex’s crush and the reason my enemy and friend had broken up in the first place.

Also, at some point around here, the ex came out as trans.

Anywho, I confessed those feelings at the end of the semester, then felt absolutely nothing for a few days. Nothing. It was mildly terrifying, had I been capable of being terrified. And, of course, she didn’t like me back and it got awkward. We still don’t talk much.

I cut here because it’s a few days after Christmas at this point and I finally started feeling again. Started feeling fear, that is. I had ruined a friendship (I was friends again with my former crush within those months, btw), and my anxiety was hell and I had to stop seeing my therapist (another story completely).

And then I randomly wondered if I could pass as male.

That slung me into a whole state of, “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN AM I QUESTIONING MY GENDER AND IS THIS WRONG????????” which, was not fun at all. And the friend I had been talking to about everything was the girl I made things awkward with.

So, naturally, I spoke to a person I used to tell everything to.

That’s when I came out to my former crush as genderfluid-ish, and my friend then came out as trans.

It was really difficult for me to accept that I wasn’t cis, but it was easy for me to support my friend. By the way, we came out late on New Year’s Eve.

Anywho, that all happened, I realized I still liked (now) him, and everything was quiet for a few months. I came out to my mom as pan in the spring of 9th grade, and all was fairly well.

In November, in a very convoluted story, I asked out my trans best friend yet again and he finally said yes. By this point, I had gone through a lot of labels as far as my gender went and identified most with the following: panromantic, demiromantic, asexual, and genderfluid. And now I was an enby with a straight trans boyfriend (who at some point said he was closer to genderfluid but preferred male pronouns and his masculine name). Also, he was only out to me and like two other people, so to the eyes of the world, I was a girl with a girlfriend.

He came over for New Year’s and shared in my first kiss.

That lasted about two months (I really don’t want to go into that story again right now either).

And shortly afterward, I came out as a transmale.

Even told my mom and my brother. My friends know too. I own a binder. I use he/him pronouns but no one else does. Some of them I convinced to call me E. None of them know I want to go by Ethan. But I’m okay. My new psychiatrist knows too.

Now I like my ex’s ex, my former enemy, and one of my current best friends.

Moral is...uh...well, it was a story about how the girl who made me cease to identify as hetero was never a girl but then apparently wasn’t a completely a boy either, so uh...

Anyway.

Don’t change your labels for one person, and don’t date people who only like girls if you’re not only a girl. Don’t date my ex because we got in one tiny fight and now he hasn’t spoken to me in like 6 months and he’s a dick. Don’t fall in love with your friends because this shit happens.

Do whatever the fuck you want and don’t worry about it and stop regretting the past.

Don’t listen to me. Unless you want to.

Don’t make super long posts about your identity crisis.

[citycfangels]

text: casey ⇄ adriana⇄ raquel

Casey: on a scale of no big deal to trump and kim jong il almost starting a nuclear war how big of a fuck up would you say sleeping with your ex is?

Adriana: that depends on the ex, which one of them are you talking about?

Raquel: if you say Eric, I think we have the right to disown you.

Raquel: I’d also say it’s less of a mess up and more of like a mental break down a la Britney Spears.

Casey: okay first off not everyone can have an abnormally perfect relationship like you Raquel and second Aide you aren’t even with someone right now.

Casey: so it was Eric. It’s not that bad right?

Adriana: ouch, thank you for reminding me i'm single

Adriana: yes Casey, it's bad. i get that he's hot and the bad boy attitude can be attractive, but he's an asshole. and i barely use that word

Raquel: You can’t use the word abnormal and perfect in the same sentence, they cancel each other out. And yes, I’m in a relationship but that didn’t come without hard work.

Raquel: I’m with Aide on this one. I don’t know what you see in him.

Casey: it’s not like you have to be single. You can always just go and hook up with a guy.

Casey: you guys act like he was the worst. He wasn’t that bad was he? I’m not texting for a lecture guys.

Casey: he’s just really good in bed.

Adriana: i haven't found the person yet, but that's not the point

Adriana: visually he's a 9, but come on, you're too good for him

Adriana: you're not having feeling for him again, right? because i'd be worried

Raquel: eventually you’ll find the right guy. He’s out there.

Raquel: giving him a nine is still giving him too much credit. He’s like a 7 even in just the looks department.

Adriana: let's not talk about me and my love life, thank you so much

Adriana: oh honey, don't do that. just no. not him

Adriana: not even if the sex is amazing

Adriana: if you ever go back with that idiot i will be seriously rethinking my choice on friends

Casey: Just know that if you don't get a date in a month we're singing you up for online dating.

Casey: No one said getting back together. I still hate him.

Casey: maybe I should just start dating women. Quit men cold turkey. That could also solve your dating problem Aide. What do you say? be in lesbians with me?

Raquel: yeah, we'll sign you up for online dating.

Raquel: and leave me as the third wheel? Get your own gay Casey. No incestuous relationships within our circle.

Raquel: yeah, we'll sign you up for online dating.

Raquel: and leave me as the third wheel? Get your own gay Casey. No incestuous relationships within our circle.

Adriana: i hate you, girls 😑😑😑😑

Adriana: good, or else i hit you. and maybe him too

Adriana: woah there baby, i want dinner and flowers first 😘

Adriana: Quel, you have Charlie, what are you talking about?

Raquel: you love us.

Raquel: I don't believe in violence but you both can expect a mean cold shoulder.

Raquel: Charlie isn't you guys. Yes I'm dating someone but that doesn't mean I suddenly neglect you two. At least I don't think i do.

Raquel: Do I neglect you guys?

Casey: you don't hate us at all.

Casey: Oh, was I not making it obvious? I totally am flirting. Me actually dating a model, how can I not try to get at that.

Casey: Oh you totally neglect us for Charlie, and you can tell him I said that.

Raquel: CUT IT OUT.

Raquel: already did tell him and sleeping with Eric has made you bitchy.

Adriana: tell him hi!

Adriana: and i hate to say this, but i agree. tell me that was the last time, please

Raquel: guys are you sure you don't want to just talk to him?

Raquel: yeah, last time because if he's just going to make you bitchy then he's not doing something right.

Casey: okay, I get it. Not Eric fans.

Casey: Last time.

Adriana: nope, not really

Adriana: if he was that good in bed, you should be happier at least, unless he didn't give you an orgasm

Raquel: okay just making sure.

Raquel: well it wouldn't be the first time...

Casey: okay does everyone know that that's a kink of mine or....

Casey: well I could always help with that 😉

Adriana: we do.

Adriana: dirty girl 😏😏😏

Raquel: CUT. IT. OUT.

Raquel: and yeah everyone knows. That shouldn't be a kink btw that's just torture. If Charlie ever did I don't think I'd talk to him much afterwards.

Adriana: i've never tried that and i'm not sure how would i react. that could be either hot or incredibly infuriating

Casey: Oh, it's hot. Just as you feel his abs tighten and when he's like grabbing onto you real tight you just change the pace a bit. You keep going letting him know you're in control and then you just tell him he can't come. It's all about power and control and it makes him want to fuck you harder next time. You can't do it every time because then you're torturing yourself too but you can always say that if he's good and if he makes you come that you'll return the favor. Make him get creative.

Raquel: like I said. If Charlie did that to me, I wouldn't talk to him for a while. You can always just have great sex the first time around instead of prolonging something both people want.

Adriana: i feel like i've read porn right now

Adriana: and weren't you trying to not think about sex with him?

Casey: That wasn't even smut. If you want porn I can suggest a few authors who are experts in the genre.

Casey: I need to just have sex with someone else. Someone good who's not Eric.

Raquel: well my boyfriend is taken so I don't know who you can sleep with who is a guaranteed A+ but good luck with that.

Adriana: can i just say how much i love that you're defensive of your man? damn

Adriana: i don't know anyone either, so i can't help

Raquel: of course I stick up for my man. He's the love of my life and I mean he really is the best I've ever had. I don't need to go into near smut writing but there's a reason why I came back and why I'm so happy. You know even if it's not just sex.

Raquel: that's what it's all about. Once it stops being just about sex it's when you really get to fall for someone.

Casey: well that leaves me out. The chances of things being more than sex for me again are down into the negatives. Thanks for getting y mind off the sex and back to the real reason why eric and I didn't work which was how jealous he got and how I had to be like only his. Monogamy is over rated. Again, I should do girls only and then make it a polyamorous relationship and I'll be set.

Casey: you do not want a man like Charlie. Quel had to train him like a puppy, and I'm pretty sure he probably still has his accidents on the carpet.

Adriana: that's a good point, but monogamy isn't that bad?

Adriana: so you're hoping to have two or more girls in a polyamorous relationship or would it be for the sex?

Adriana: omg

Raquel: have you ever even been with one girl? You might be over selling yourself Case.

Raquel: also Charlie's not a dog. He might have been rough around the edges at first but he's fine. And there are no accidents anywhere.

Casey: Okay, semantics Raquel, who cares if I haven't been with a woman before and it would only be for sex and not for a relationship.

Casey: I'd be sticking with what I know and what I'm good at.

Adriana: you may want to start with one and then go for the orgy, babe

Adriana: so you'd say he's perfect now or...? because if that's the case, i hope he has a sibling

Raquel: an orgy? And have her try to pull the denial game on multiple people. She wouldn't stand a chance. She can't handle two people.

Raquel: Nope, he's an only child and from Canada so any relatives are there. I got the only one. Looks like you're going to have to keep kissing frogs.

Casey: an orgy is more than three people and more than I would be willing to have. Two people I can deal with.

Casey: because they'd be related to Charlie. Like sure he's nice and all but there's no way anyone should want to see more of them. Besides, you hit the genetic lottery it's why you make the big bucks.

Adriana: i know i'm pretty, thanks for the reminder. still, it doesn't have to be that bad???

Adriana: plus, i'd be a something-in-law to quel

Raquel: You'd be the girl dating my boyfriend's relative. Not something-in-law. Charlie and I aren't getting married.

driana: not yet, and knowing how in love you guys are with each other, i can see a wedding happening in a couple of years. mark my words.

Casey: yeah, see no one believes the whole we aren’t getting married thing. I’m already calling maid of honor.

Raquel: WE. ARE. NOT. GOING. TO. GET. MARRIED.

Raquel: like yes we love each other. I will love him forever but without marriage.

Adriana: he looks like a guy who would get to his knees and not only to talk french between your legs.

Adriana: let me fantasize about your wedding, geez. i want to be a maid of honor too

Casey: you aure that’s the only thing you’re fantasizing about? You’re picturing Charlie boy on his knees a lot there.

Raquel: not funny

Raquel: no. No wedding fantasies. No thinking of me getting married or fighting about who wants to be maid of honor because it isn’t happening. I’m not getting married.

Adriana: ew no. and not because charlie is ew because i'm sure he's 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 but he's our girl's man, so no fantasizing about that

Adriana: don't you want to get married or is it because you think he doesn't want that?

Raquel: please don’t 👌🏽 about my boyfriend.

Raquel: are you kidding? I know he wouldn’t want that. He’s fine with being with me and he knows there is no chance of me ever leaving him but adding the whole wife title, and a ceremony and just the whole thing it would be too much. It’d freak him out and probably ruin my entire relationship which is so good.

Adriana: ew no. and not because charlie is ew because i'm sure he's 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 but he's our girl's man, so no fantasizing about that

Adriana: don't you want to get married or is it because you think he doesn't want that?

Raquel: please don’t 👌🏽 about my boyfriend.

Raquel: are you kidding? I know he wouldn’t want that. He’s fine with being with me and he knows there is no chance of me ever leaving him but adding the whole wife title, and a ceremony and just the whole thing it would be too much. It’d freak him out and probably ruin my entire relationship which is so good.

Casey: or you’re really trying to blame it on him freaking out when really it’d be you going crazy.

Adriana: how do you know? has he told you he doesn't want to get married to you?

Raquel: Guys, I know my man. I don’t need him to tell me we aren’t getting married, I already know that and I’m okay with it. It’s not like I have it all planned or anything. I am fine. You two are the ones who brought up the whole marriage thing in the first place.

Adriana: okay, then don't. sorry i ever mentioned marriage.

Adriana: i guess the only one who wants to get married someday of us is me... in the very distant future

Raquel: which is fine. That just means I get to be maid of honor at /your/ wedding. You never know. You could find a guy pretty soon and he can be as much of a hopeless romantic as you are.

Adriana: yeah, because the romantic guys aren't hiding under the rocks.

Adriana: and who said it couldn't be a girl? 😏

Adriana: but those are hard to find, so it's not happening any time soon

Raquel: I know it's not going to be a girl because you're way too into heteronormative culture.

Raquel: we can always sign you up for online dating. Casey and I can probably find some guy for you.

Casey: Quel is just doubting your lady love

Casey: the chances of you finding a guy to give you the orgasm you have been wanting is pretty high on those too. I say risk it.

Adriana: and having a creep in my bed? no thank you. you girls either find me someone in the traditional way or i pass

Raquel: I’m not doubting her lady love. I am all for lady love. I’ve been with a girl before but that is beside the point.

Raquel: traditional doesn’t always work but if that’s what you want maybe we can go out soon just the three of us.

Adriana: isn't jdate for jewish people, Cas?

Adriana: when you guys have it ready, i want to see what you put on my profile, is that possible?

Casey: You don't have to be Jewish to be on the site.

Casey: You can date a jewish person.

Casey: nope, I'll just give you a time and place where you're meeting this person and be hiding somewhere so that I know he won't kidnap you and sell your organs on the black market and you'll have a good date.

Raquel: this is going to be a disaster. Let me do it. I have better luck with guys. Casey's going to end up setting you up with some body builder with a bdsm fetish.

Raquel: this is going to be a disaster. Let me do it. I have better luck with guys. Casey's going to end up setting you up with some body builder with a bdsm fetish.

Adriana: that's the way to leave this world. i wouldn't have any other way.

Adriana: can i take a look before it's up????

Casey: no you can't look at it.

Raquel: I'll send you screenshots.

Casey: I hate you both.

Adriana: you love us 😘

Casey: I'm tolerating you two now.

Raquel: You love us and you've already admitted that you have at one point wanted to kiss ussss so suck it.

Adriana: hey! i don't attract them, and i don't think i've ever done that

Adriana: keep them away from me, pleeeeeease?

Raquel: don't worry, I'll keep the crazy ones away. I know how to pick them.