#I used to get neuro therapy; I know stuff like that works ok

[im-no-jedi]

MLWTBB: No Need To Panic (A Oneshot)

aka the (continued) journey into my self insert nonsense✨

story summary: when Hunter shows up at Hannah’s apartment one day with a serious problem, Hannah has to utilize techniques she learned from her family to help him with it. Hannah also learns some upsetting facts about what exactly Hunter and the rest of the Bad Batch had to go through as children on Kamino...

notes: this is a (small) continuation of my story, “My Life With The Bad Batch”; I highly recommend reading that first before this one! I created a few new planets for this story. I’m also not 100% versed in SW terminology, so forgive me if some things are labeled incorrectly! lastly, there is romance in this story. hope you enjoy! 💙

add. notes: this oneshot was edited and proofread by my sis @jam-n-ham! thanks sis!! 😋💙 also, everything about what happened to the boys as kids is entirely made up by me and NOT canon. PLEASE NOTE: I absolutely do not have any issues with the specific treatment done to Hunter in this story. any treatments used to affect the brain, if done correctly and safely, are a viable option for treating certain conditions. my portrayal of this certain treatment is meant to be the opposite of that and showcased as done poorly on the part of the person giving the treatment. please do your research before getting any sort of treatment done to your body, and especially if it concerns your or someone else’s children!!

3900+ words, rated T (portrayal and discussion of panic attacks and sensory overload, discussions of shock treatments and implied child abuse, some smooching, and a single suggestive moment near the end)

✨MLWTBB masterlist✨

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Change isn’t always easy to get used to. Ever since leaving her home planet of Astreon, change was a common phenomenon for Hannah. It had always been hard for her to adjust to things changing, and she always dreaded the very idea of it. But lucky for her, most of the changes she’d gone through were positive ones. She had a new family, a new home, a decent job, and now even her first boyfriend. Life was good, at least for the time being.

Since successfully completing her mission with the Bad Batch to Hosnian Prime, Hannah had noticed a change in the way her boss, Cid, had been treating her. Although generally an aloof and grumpy person overall, she’d been more lenient and understanding with Hannah. Cid usually would go into a good mood after a successful business operation, so it wasn’t that surprising. This one seemed to be lasting much longer than a single day though, and Hannah planned on taking advantage of it.

Today, she’d asked Cid if she could go home early, which Cid approved of. It had been a pretty slow day at the parlor anyway, so it wouldn’t hurt to let Hannah have the rest of the evening to herself.

After heading home to her apartment above the parlor, Hannah decided to use the extra time Cid had granted her to do some “self-care”. A short nap, a long shower, even testing some new makeup she’d recently bought. She also definitely planned on inviting the Clones over for dinner if they wanted to come, which she was fairly certain they would.

As she was in the middle of fixing up her hair, Hannah suddenly heard some odd noises coming from outside her room and gasped out of surprise. It sounded like some things had either fallen over or been knocked over. There were also what sounded like frantic footsteps pacing across the floor. Instinctually, she began to panic a bit, thinking someone might’ve broken into her apartment. But to ease her fears, she told herself it was probably just one or more of the Clones, whom she’d given access to her apartment if they ever wanted to come in without her around.

Still, to be safe, Hannah decided to be stealthy about heading out of the room and prepared for coming across a stranger. She took a deep breath and steadied herself, then opened the door.

At first, Hannah couldn’t see anybody. She stepped out of the room and immediately, her foot hit something. It was a piece of armor. And it wasn’t the only piece either – several other pieces were scattered in random areas of the room. She’d already identified which Clone they belonged to from the first piece, but a very recognizable helmet with half of a skull painted on it only confirmed her identification.

Sure enough, after turning to face the kitchen area, Hannah saw the familiar figure of her recently acquired lover hunched over the island. All of his upper armor had been removed and was now littering the floor. He also seemed pretty tensed up from his body language. He hadn’t even acknowledged Hannah’s presence yet, which was unusual.  

“Hey, babe,” Hannah said tentatively, coming up closer to him. “You ok? What’s with the mess?”

No response. He didn’t even budge.

“Uhh, Hunter?”

Still nothing.

As Hannah got closer though, she realized something was definitely wrong. Hunter’s entire body was shivering, and his chest was heaving heavily. It also sounded like he was muttering to himself, although she couldn’t make out anything he was saying.

In a soft but worried tone, Hannah said his name again and placed a hand on one of Hunter’s shoulders. Immediately, Hunter jolted up, almost violently, and it spooked Hannah enough that she took a step back from him. Hunter also moved away and practically fell onto one of the stools near the island.

“Whoa!” Hannah exclaimed. “What the heck?”

The expression on Hunter’s face made Hannah’s eyes go wide. He looked... scared. Shocked. Panicked. His chest was still heaving, and he was looking at Hannah almost like he didn’t even recognize her.

“Hunter, what’s wrong? What’s going on? Are you ok?”

Hunter said nothing at first and just continued to stare at her like she was a stranger. But then he started mumbling and saying random things that Hannah could barely make out. Something about the lights, the sun, the refrigerator, a man downstairs, the cup of caf Hannah had left out on the counter. His hands clutched the side of his head, like he was trying to cover his ears, and his eyes kept squinting shut for short periods of time.

He had never done anything like this before. But Hannah had seen something like this before.

Very slowly, Hannah began to approach again. She softly repeated Hunter’s name, but his attention seemed to be elsewhere now. His eyes were scanning the room, and he was still frantically muttering under his still panting breath. Hannah had to stand directly in front of him to get his attention again.

“Hey, handsome,” Hannah said in a calm voice. She crouched down a bit to be at eye level with Hunter, and his eyes finally met hers. Hunter’s breath slowed a bit, and a look of recognition began to cross his face. A gentle smile spread on Hannah’s lips, and she held it as she continued to speak.

“Keep your eyes on me, babe, ok? Just look at me. Only me.”

Hunter’s eyes flitted for a bit, but they settled on Hannah, and he said her name in a barely audible tone that nearly brought Hannah to tears.

“Yes, it’s me. I’m here, you’re here with me. You see me, right? You can see me?”

Eyes still on her, Hunter nodded softly.

“Good. Very good. So, you hear me, yes? You can hear me? You hear my voice?”

Again, Hunter nodded softly.

“Yes, good, good. Just listen to my voice, ok? Now...” Hannah held her hands out for him to see. “I’m gonna touch your hands now, ok?”

Another soft nod from Hunter.

Hannah’s hands reached out and gently took Hunter’s. He was still shaking a bit, and Hannah tenderly held his hands between the both of them, gently rubbing her thumbs along the back of his hands.

“Do you feel that? Hmm? You feel my hands? Can you feel me, Hunter?”

From the moment she touched his hands, Hunter’s expression began to change again. It was a stronger sense of recognition and ease. His already wet, glassy eyes were now starting to leak down his face. Then very quickly, his face turned down, and he thrust himself into Hannah’s chest, breath heaving with muffled sobs.

Hannah was taken aback for a moment. But soon her arms were wrapped around her love, tenderly holding him close. “Oh, honey...” One hand gently rubbed his back and shoulders, while the other softly caressed his head, fingers running through his hair. Her voice mirrored her movements, soft and tender. “It’s ok. You’re ok. Shhhh. It’s ok.” For the next several minutes, she repeated the words, gently shushing him as he cried into her chest.

Eventually, Hannah felt Hunter start to ease up and heard his sobs die down. She had no intention of letting him go, and Hunter was the one who ended up breaking their connection. His bandana had fallen off and remained on her chest, which almost made her giggle. Hunter’s face was now concealed by his own messy hair, which seemed to be what he wanted anyway – his face stayed turned away from her even after separating. But Hannah didn’t mind. She figured he was pretty embarrassed, and she could practically feel the shame emanating from him.

After giving him a moment, Hannah reached out for one of Hunter’s hands again. “You wanna go sit on the couch for a bit? Hmm?”

Hunter said nothing and just gave a shrug, face still turned away.

“Yes, come on, we’re gonna go sit down on the couch now,” she responded, keeping a grip on his hand as she pulled him over to the couch. He gave no resistance and just followed, face now towards the floor in shame.

They sat together on the couch in silence. Hunter continued to keep his face turned away, while Hannah kept a hand on his shoulder, rubbing circles on it with her thumb. She also offered him some tissues, which he took with a soft “thanks.”

Eventually, Hannah softly asked if Hunter wanted to talk about it.

“No,” Hunter bluntly replied. “But I probably should.” His voice was hoarse and barely loud enough for Hannah to hear. She asked if something like this had ever happened before. “Not for a while,” Hunter replied. “Few years. Then a few years before that. Hasn’t really happened much since...” He swallowed hard and went quiet after that.

Then Hannah asked if he knew what happened – both what he was experiencing and what set it off. He couldn’t remember exactly what set him off this time, but Hunter replied that Tech had called it “sensory overload”, which happened anytime Hunter’s senses would start to overwhelm him. Usually, he could prevent the sensation from happening, but on very rare occasions, it would flare up without warning. Like he’d said, the last time it happened was years ago, on the squad’s very first mission after graduating. Thankfully, it didn’t get bad enough to hinder the mission, but it was enough to make him question it. He’d hoped that was the last time it would happen, but apparently not...

To his surprise, Hannah already knew what sensory overload was. “I... actually experience it myself sometimes,” she admitted. “Not to the degree of a panic attack, but enough that I have to isolate myself in order to reset. Which usually works out anyway cause I’m so introverted.” She laughed at herself, but even through Hunter’s concealed face, she could tell he was confused. That prompted her to explain what being an introvert meant, along with what a panic attack was. There was no doubt in her mind that Hunter had gotten so overwhelmed that it manifested into a panic attack.

“My mom and sister used to get panic attacks,” she told him. “Especially my sister. My mom was always the one to deal with her when it happened, and then either my dad or sister would deal with mom when she had one. Guess I picked up on how to deal with them that way.”

From what very little she could see of his face, Hannah saw a small smile spread on Hunter’s lips. “Lucky me,” he said in a raspy voice.

Hannah couldn’t take it anymore. With an air of hesitancy, she reached up and gently pushed the hair out of Hunter’s face, tucking it behind his ear. He gave no resistance, but his expression told that he was still feeling a sense of shame. His face was still red too, and he looked so tired. It nearly broke Hannah’s heart. The back of her hand trailed down the side of his face and lingered on his cheek. Hunter held it there with his own hand, pressing into it with a somber look on his face.

“Really sucks having everything go out of control like that, huh?” Hannah eventually said after a long moment of silence.

Hunter sighed. “It really does...” He brought the hand that still held Hannah’s down into his lap and looked at it somberly. “Thought the Kaminoans had fixed that, but apparently not...”

Hannah’s brows furrowed and she cocked her head curiously. “Whaaaat are you talking about...?”

Hunter sighed again and leaned back into the couch. “I guess you deserve to know, all things considered...”

Right away, it was obvious this was hard for Hunter to talk about. But Hannah stayed quiet and listened to the whole thing without interruption.  

Hunter began by saying he hadn’t even remembered any of this until Tech had brought it up while they were on Hosnian Prime. But basically, he and the other three enhanced Clones – Wrecker, Tech, and Crosshair – all had undergone different treatments when they were young. The treatments had to do with each of their unique abilities and mutations that Nala Se had given them; in order to better handle the enhancements they’d been given. Wrecker had to have a lot of physical therapy due to how fast he grew, and it wasn’t always pleasant. Tech had poor vision from the time of his creation and was frequently getting tested to see if there was a way to fix it without doing any alterations to his brain. Crosshair had the opposite problem where his vision was too good and often led to unbearable headaches that required special treatments. To that day, none of them knew exactly what sort of treatments Crosshair got.  

And as for Hunter himself... his problems were linked to his senses. As a child, he was consistently overwhelmed and would frequently get sensory overload to the point of constant panic. There was a time where Nala Se thought he might not even be able to survive. But she eventually found a treatment that worked to help keep Hunter calm and in control of his emotions, even when his senses began to overwhelm him. Tech described it as a way to “shut off his emotions”, which was why he was so stoic all the time. Every time he would start to feel overwhelmed, Hunter would feel a sort of twitch in his body that would ground him. It was hard to describe, but that’s what it felt like to him.

The more Hunter explained things, the more angry Hannah got. Although she stayed quiet, it was clear just from her expression that she was upset. Omega had already told her before how Nala Se liked to run tests on all of them, but she had no idea it went that far. It sounded like Nala Se had straight up altered Hunter’s personality somehow, on top of everything else she’d done. It hit way too close to home for her.

“You said you get a... twitch?” Hannah asked.

“That’s kinda what it feels like, yeah,” Hunter answered.

“Is it a twitch? Or is it more like... maybe a zap? A shock?”

Hunter thought for a moment. “Yeah, I guess that’s a good way to describe it too.”

Hannah didn’t need to hear anymore; she’d already figured things out. And she was not happy about it, which was made apparent by the deep scowl she had on her face.

“You don’t have to worry about it, love,” Hunter said after noticing her expression.

“Oh, I’m gonna worry about it,” Hannah bluntly stated. “I just... I can’t believe...” She huffed angrily and shook her head. “How could someone be so heartless? You guys were kids! You shouldn’t’ve--” Her anger levels were continuing to rise, and she had to stop herself before she actually lost it.

“Not tryin’ to defend her or anything,” Hunter tentatively replied. “But she was tryin’ to help us... in her own way.”

“You all shouldn’t have had those problems in the first place!” Hannah retorted, her voice getting louder. “She’s the reason you had those problems to begin with!”

He knew he was treading dangerous waters, but Hunter continued. “Again, not defending her, but... I mean... she’s also the reason we’re even alive in the first place.”

Hannah’s eye began to twitch. “I don’t care. I hate her. And if I ever come across that bitch, I’m whippin’ out ol’ Vinny faster than you can say ‘Kamino’, and don’t you dare stop me.”

A giant smirk spread on Hunter’s lips. He seemed to be more impressed with Hannah’s declaration of certain violence than anything else. “Wouldn’t think of it, Solar Flare.”

After leaning back into the couch with an angry huff, Hannah felt Hunter’s arm drape across her shoulders. The smirk remained on his face, which was making it harder for her to stay angry. She sighed and wiped her hands down her face to reset herself. “In case it wasn’t obvious, I get very upset over how you all were treated by the Kaminoans. They saw you all as products, not people. And unlike me, who chose to subdue my own feelings for most of my life, you didn’t get a choice. You never got to have a choice. And I’m so sorry...”  

Hannah barely had time to dab the corners of her eyes before she was pulled into a sideways hug by Hunter. His head rested on top of hers, and she wrapped her arms around his waist with a loving squeeze.

“Not gonna lie,” Hunter began. “It’s been... different tryin’ to deal with not having those restrictions. I mean, we’ve always tried to break away and not be told what to do, but... it’s been nearly a year since we left the army and it’s still so foreign to me, not havin’ anyone tell me what to do all the time. Maybe that’s why I appreciate you bein’ so forthright about stuff. Kriff, I mean, you actually got me showering on a regular basis now.”

Hannah sputtered and began to snicker into one of her hands. “And we’re all thankful for that. But really though, I hope you don’t think I’m ever trying to force anything on you. And if it ever feels that way, please let me know. Cause I don’t wanna make you feel like you don’t have a choice.” She paused for a moment. “Unless I know it’s going to be more beneficial than something else... like dealing with a panic attack naturally instead of being forced into shock treatments.”

“Of course,” Hunter replied with a snicker of his own. “I gotta know one thing though. You said somethin’ earlier about subduing your own feelings... what was that all about?”

“Oh...” Hannah sighed and sat up straight again, with Hunter’s arm still across her shoulders. “That was... I just meant I once again could relate to you, in my own way. My family wasn’t, you know, perfect, so... I had to kinda take on a parental role when I was younger due to my parents’ relationship issues and other stuff that happened, which made me... subdue a lot of myself. I became more serious and less of a ‘kid’ so I could be in that parental type role. It’s only been in the past few years that I’ve really rediscovered who I am and how to deal with my emotions instead of just shutting them off or ignoring them. Not as extreme as what you went through but...” She shrugged and began playing with her fingernails absentmindedly.

The hand on Hannah’s shoulder moved to the back of her head and began stroking through her hair. “I’m sorry, love,” Hunter said sympathetically. It almost brought Hannah to tears. Even though he’d just been through hell, Hunter was still as supportive and caring as he always was.

Unable to stay upset any longer, Hannah looked up at her love with an adoring smile and gently brought his face closer to kiss him. Her thumb gently trailed against his cheek, and their faces remained pressed together even after their lips parted. She wished she could absorb all of his pain and troubles so he wouldn’t have to suffer ever again. Everything she’d done for him still didn’t feel like enough. It probably never would. That’s how much she loved him.

For now, all she could do was what she’d already been doing.

And also give him back his bandana.

Hannah pulled out the long strip of red cloth with a soft giggle and held it out in her hand. Hunter smiled gratefully and took the bandana, looking over it thoughtfully for a moment. “I haven’t actually thanked you yet,” he said as tied the bandana to his head. “For helping me, I mean.”

“You don’t have to,” Hannah answered. “Seeing you feel better is good enough for me.”

“I do feel a lot better, yeah. Thanks anyway.” He pressed another kiss onto the side of her face, which made her giggle. Then he suddenly let out a loud yawn and rubbed his face with a groan.

“You should lie down for a bit, babe,” Hannah said, rubbing one of his shoulders. “That whole thing was pretty draining.”

Hunter agreed, but also wanted to make sure there was no issue with him staying there. Hannah scoffed and reassured him that there was never an issue with him staying there. She also informed him that she was planning on inviting everyone over for dinner later anyway, since she’d gotten Cid to give her the rest of the day off.

“Oh yeah?” Hunter raised an eyebrow. “Well, then maybe I do have some time to give you a proper thank you after all...” He started advancing on Hannah with a sly look in his eyes, trailing a hand up one of her thighs.

“Easy, Nexu,” Hannah said, barely able to hold back a laugh. “I’ve still gotta make dinner later. And you need to rest, not overwork yourself again.” She began pushing him back with a snicker and didn’t stop until Hunter was on his back, lying across the couch.

Despite his disappointed grumbling, Hannah made sure Hunter was nice and comfy on the couch, with plenty of pillows to boot. Before she could grab him a blanket though, Hunter stopped her, saying he had a much better idea. He scooted as close to the edge of the couch as he could and draped an arm over the back of the couch, gesturing to the small space he’d created with his other hand. Hannah covered her face and snickered, then planted her hands on her hips with a forced disapproving look.

“Body heat’s better than any blanket, ya know,” Hunter said cheekily, causing Hannah to sigh.

“You are unbelievable,” Hannah replied as she carefully began climbing across him.  

There was barely enough room to fit beside him, which left the majority of Hannah’s body still on top of him. She worried it was too much weight for him to handle, but he assured her it wasn’t. In fact, he said it felt amazing and was actually quite calming. But maybe that was just due to her closeness in general.

Acting as his human blanket, Hannah draped her free arm over Hunter’s chest, resting her hand behind his neck and snuggling into his shoulder. One leg rested across his, with most of the other side of her body wedged between him and the couch. It was actually quite comfortable and comforting for her as well. Even though she’d already taken a nap earlier, she ironically ended up falling asleep before Hunter did.

Every terrible thing Hunter had experienced that day was no longer a bother to him. It was almost like it never happened at all, as his sole focus now was on the woman curled up on him. The sight of her still, beautiful form on top of him. The sound of her gentle, steady breathing. The smell of her soft, clean hair. The feel of her entire weight pressing against his own body, her hand gently resting around his neck, her constant heartbeat keeping in almost exact rhythm with his own.

Even though it was brief, Hunter entered the most peaceful sleep he’d ever had in his life thanks to her. And by the stars, was he thankful for her.

A good change of pace for the both of them.

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[deeperforme]

Reviews of Five Hypnosis Books You Can Buy for Kindle (+ Douche-O-Meter)

I wrote this a few years ago on my blog, reposting because @ragezdasta​ asked about some of these books and because I’m proud of this effortful writing, from when I was living among the mountains of Italy with no IRL access to hypnotic community. Luckily my life is very different now! But glad I did the reading (I also reviewed Mind Play, Look Into My Eyes, Hypnotize Your Lover, and Hypnotic Realities).

My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson

- Edited and with Commentary by Sidney Rosen

Tone:

Folksy, paternalistic anecdotes and worshipful commentary

Valuable for:

Another dose of Erickson and his powerful approach to the unconscious mind, although little that can't be found in a better form in Hypnotic Realities.

Some nice stuff if looked at purely as folksy life wisdom: "When dealing with a problem of difficulty make an interesting design out of it. Then you can concentrate on the interesting design and ignore the back-breaking labor involved."

Many examples of Erickson's conversational, storytelling method of therapy, where the patient's unconscious absorbs the point of sometimes apparently pointless stories (there's some good examples of confusion and boredom being used).

Douche-o-meter (1-5):

4.  I have a hard time with Erickson's quite explicitly paternalistic orientation. Richard Bandler writes, "He only had five goals for people to get well: get out of the hospital, get a job, get married, have children, and send him presents. That was his definition of a cure." It's nice to believe in all-wise gurus, who will forcibly steer your life for your own good, but with statements like "acne can be cured by removing all mirrors" and that he got someone to win an olympic gold medal by telling them "It would be all right,” to do so, he was at least partly full of shit. And that's in an account from inside the cult! One from outside (reported by Bandler): "Virginia [Satir] had met Milton and thought he was creepy and didn’t want anything to do with him." More than a couple of the stories he tells involve a woman getting her breasts out during the session - and he makes sure to remark on the attractiveness level of almost every single female patient.  

I could only find one story Erickson tells where he did not effect a miracle cure: a woman who came to him about weight loss.

In the case of the woman who was not motivated, this was also easily determined when she would not follow the simple suggestion of climbing Squaw Peak. Erickson had already guessed that she was lazy and self-indulgent when he saw her general demeanor, which included the ostentatious, artificial fingernails. ... After she had left, the group was interested in why Erickson had asked her to climb Squaw Peak. Did he want her to “get in touch with her own feelings”? Did he want her to accomplish a task successfully? His answer, surprisingly, was “So she would obey me.”  

Since the book uses his own words, I could at least get a hint of his calm mastery and charisma. But as his transcriber writes, "Erickson was really quite comfortable with power."

Hypnotic language example:

“Did you know that every blade of grass is a different shade of green?”

The bottom line:

Good reading when you've run out of other Erickson books, and have braced yourself for the plunge into the cult of personality.

--

Richard Bandler's Guide to Trance-formation

Tone:

Half university lecture, half ego-tastic rant.

Valuable for:

Step by step therapeutic devices, e.g. "Changing Feelings by Dissociation", usually in the form of a series of visualizations. I doubt that they all work as powerfully as advertised, but they're set out in good detail so you could try for yourself.

A nice glossary/manual of Ericksonian techniques at the back (which you can get from Hypnotic Realities, but not as organized - very much unlike Erickson, he is a systematizer)

Lots of powerful hypnosis advice. "the truth is, you speak in a monotone if you’re going to speak incongruently. If you speak congruently and slowly and inflect your voice downward where you give commands, people will respond much more intensely."

Bandler is the source (loudest if not the first) for a number of ideas we now teach as fact, like about the unconscious not processing negations.

Douche-o-meter (1-5):

5. I was put in mind of L. Ron Hubbard for the level of dubious self-aggrandizement: he describes himself as a mathematician and computer scientist as well as a psychologist, and he brags about curing allergies, schizophrenia, and holocaust trauma. Having tasted blood with NLP, he introduces his freshly trademarked Design Human Engineering (DHE) and Neuro-Hypnotic Repatterning (NHR). He's extraordinarily bitchy to Erickson, who Bandler asserts never did the handshake induction correctly: "Since he was paralyzed, he couldn’t have carried out the movements as smoothly and as rapidly as is required. But I do credit him with giving me the idea."

Hypnotic language example:

“You’re sitting back in the chair, your feet are on the ground, your hands in your lap . . . and you can start to feel more relaxed.”

The bottom line:

Something of a greatest hits collection from a master, who it seems is second only to Erickson in constructing the foundation for modern hypnosis - and yet before reviewing my notes, I mostly remembered the bad impression.

--

Monsters and Magical Sticks: There is no such thing as hypnosis?

- Stephen Heller and Terry Steele

Tone:

Bragging and hectoring.

Valuable for:

The message that hypnosis permeates daily life and interaction - at least by their definition of hypnosis as "any transaction and communication that causes an individual to go into their own experiences and call upon their own imagination in order to respond". They write:

hypnosis is a form of education. Ideas, beliefs, possibilities, fantasies, and much more, may be “suggested” and, if accepted, and acted upon several times, they may become a conditioned part of your behavior.

The authors argue that we spend most of our lives reacting in an unconscious way. To be more functional we have to learn to detect these patterns, and when necessary, break them.  

A lot of interesting material about people's different modalities (e.g. visual, auditory), and the idea that therapeutic ends can be reached by moving people between modalities. This is one of a number of specific technical procedures that are described, as in Bandler's book.

Douch-o-meter (1-5):

5. Full of hero psychiatrist stories, more dubious than the other books. There are soberly presented anecdotes about parental mistreatment causing someone to become a homosexual (when, after playing doctor with a girl, a boy is beaten, he learns "It is bad to do this with girls, but it is OK to do it with boys.") or a slut (when a girl told her mother "no", her mother said, "Don’t you ever say ‘No’!" so now she can't say no to men) And this from a book published in 1987! And these authors may be the two unfunniest people in the world: "I am now going to go out on a limb. I hope that you will refrain from sawing it off while I am perched upon it." Finally, I consider their attempts to use to use dumb NLP devices on the reader extremely tacky. ("You may wish...now...to utilize the above example..." etc)

Hypnotic language example:

"Can you remember a time you took a ride by yourself and really enjoyed the scenery or a time you were working on your hobby and felt pleased. That's a nice feeling isn't it."

The bottom line:

Read to me like a photocopy of a photocopy of Erickson, except nearly illiterate (a chapter title is "Reality...Really???"), but with something to say about the unconscious.

--

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis

- Roberta Temes

Tone:

Basic, and reassuring.

Valuable for:

A lot of basic information that checks out with everything else I've read and experienced. It's a curious book for how it specifically tells you not to hypnotize people (not without a degree of some kind), and yet provides step-by-step instructions that would help to do it. But ostensibly the focus is on self-hypnosis, and on preparing you for a visit to a hypnotherapist (and incidentally promoting hypnotherapy). So there's much that is useful for pre-talk.

There's a lot of nice imagery and language for guiding someone in a positive way, and more accessible Erickson than maybe can be found anywhere else. There's definitely an emphasis on writing and word choice, since her approach involves constructing a script alongside the client and then just reading it to them in trance. While I have doubts whether simply giving someone a list of suggestions like this could really change their longterm behaviour, I like how this collaboration process emphasizes trust and consent.

I like that unlike every other hypnosis book I've read, the author mentions scientific experiments to support certain points - of course this is of limited value without citations. (in some cases she provides a name and affiliation, which would usually be enough to look up the study)

Since the theme of the book is, "hypnosis can help with a lot of things", there's material about how to approach bad habits, work patterns, medical procedures, parenting, social anxiety, and more, that I haven't found anywhere else.

Doucho-o-meter (1-5): 2.

Only a little - there's a part at the end of the book where, after scaring her readers away from amateur and stage hypnotists throughout, she gives a list of her hypnotherapist friends, including their office phone numbers. But in general it's warm and helpful. There are chapters on very questionable topics, like past life regression, but she adds an appropriate amount of disclaimers. She does tell a few "hero psychiatrist" tales - I wish one of these books would talk about problem solving with a client, where the first thing doesn't necessarily work. Even with as much hypnosis as I've done I know she's leaving out a lot.

Hypnotic language example:

Have you noticed how

tranquil

the ocean is today?

The bottom line:

Not a bad first book about hypnosis, both for hypnotists and people who want to be hypnotized. For more advanced practitioners, if you can look past the title, the dumb cartoons, and all the other busy affectations of the "Complete Idiot's" editorial style, there are some fresh perspectives.

--

The Easy Way to Stop Smoking

- Allen Carr

Tone:

Happy fast-talking 1950s salesman, with something actually helpful to sell.

Valuable for:

A wonderful case study in suggestive language, creating expectations, and reframing, all employed in the "shotgun" approach also described by Erickson. Carr didn't know what approach would stick with a given reader, so he fires off all of them, so many ways of hitting his core messages:  quitting is easy; you don't like cigarettes since they're gross, you're just addicted to nicotine; and you will love being a non-smoker. Personal stories, powerful sensory images, semi-scientific facts, and straight up commands.

He uses many devices us students of hypnosis will recognize. The biggest one is his instruction to keep smoking while reading it, and not stop smoking before you reach the end. Which of course is an implicit suggestion that you will stop smoking when you finish the book.

Douche-o-meter (1-5):

2. Although this book is full of promotions for other products of his, and disses of other approaches to quitting smoking, Carr is so full of genuine joy and enthusiasm that it's infectious (which is kind of how the book works). He literally encourages you to say to yourself, "YIPPEE! I’M A NON-SMOKER!" I also enjoyed his old timey language, as in "All smokers know in their heart of hearts that they are mugs."

Hypnotic language example:

"Go to a party, and rejoice in the fact that you do not have to smoke. It will quickly prove to you the beautiful truth that life is so much better without cigarettes."

The bottom line:

Well worth a look - especially if you're trying to quit smoking.

[artmotherhoodandmadness]

Preparing for EMDR (Eye Movement Therapy)

I am not sure how many sessions I have had, is it three? I went to the clinic feeling a certain degree ambivalence, with no expectations, all this talk of neuro plasticity, but does it actually work? I sat in my corner starting to draw, not really wanting to be there but knowing I had little choice. In many ways this felt like my final chance to get well and stay well and ensure that psychosis never happened again. Therapy is strange, you walk in, sit down, Dr S asks how you are, you reply, ‘I am ok, a bit flat, still have suicidal thoughts but not as bad as before.’ I read an excerpt from my new book, shared my music and he told me stuff too, how he had bought a flute and wanted to learn to play again, and how his brother had once had an accident but now he was fine and could play piano again. It seemed we didn't really talk about anything specific, but one thing that I did pick up on was that it was better for my brain not to to talk about trauma, in fact it was better to talk about positive things, my brain would appreciate it. I always thought therapy was about excavating trauma though so I was confused. Apparently I have to stop stimulating my amygdala, I need to reduce it in size and in tandem increase the size of my hippocampus. Well I always knew my limbic system was over active and often took over, although this was not the case now, and I sensed that my amygdala was not happy, it craved excitement and drama, it was crying out for it. This was my battle to stay calm and focused and centred. I told him that I believed the last psychotic episode had severely traumatised my brain and that I was still in recovery, I seemed slower than before, I was not able to work as fast as I used to. Dr S said this was normal, but that it was good that I was writing every day, doing my art and music and a little exercise as well as making time for the children. This was progress. This was positive. And it was positive in the sense that there was no drama, no shouting and no psychosis and I was doing the work, and it felt like work. At the same time if I had remained calm, as I was now, so many of the things that had happened in the past could have been avoided. So was this the new me, the new calm me, someone who was unflappable? And yet I was in a secure environment, I wasn't really being tested because I was sheltered, at home with my husband and kids, the real test would be if I could keep it up when I was alone.

Dr S said I was not ready for EMDR and that it would be a few more weeks until he would try it with me. ‘Memories might get unearthed,’ he said. Had I not had enough trauma, stuff that I was trying to forget. What would I remember, would I be able to handle it? Despite my wish to be sceptical and suspicious, Dr S had a way of allaying my anxiety and making me feel at ease and what made him even more amenable was his constant reiteration that ‘you have the tools to do this.’ Yes I had the analytical tools I just had to retrain my brain. Part of me wanted to rush ahead and say, ‘Come on let’s fix me, let’s change all these dodgy neural pathways, let’s do it now.’ But I realised it was going to be a slow burn and that I would have to be patient. There would be no quick fixes.

As I created my paintings, I tried to understand what was going on in them, in some ways my brain was like a detective, looking for clues, to explain why I was the way that I was, and there were still missing pieces waiting to be found, maybe the EMDR would help to locate them and perhaps finally I would be able to lay the ghosts of the past to rest.

[mariska]

hey everyone. sorry i’ve been gone for a while. life has been really difficult, more-so than usual and i’ve been struggling to do anything social including posting on most of my social media pages. im hopping on because i need a place to vent and i dont have therapy until next thursday but my moms went up to bed and im trying to fight off a panic attack so if ur bothered by vent posts or whatever i wont take any offense if you scroll past this, i dont really even need anyone to read it i just need a place to vent my thoughts out right now

so things have been really hard for me lately. im still fighting to try an get a diagnosis for being on the autism spectrum (and im trying to find as many reliable sources of information about ‘non-traditional’ autism symptoms as i can so if u happen to have anything saved like that i’d super appreciate it if u sent it my way) and i still havent gotten the full results of my neuro/psych eval yet, but my moms are going to have a private meeting with the woman who tested me on wednesday so im crossing my fingers that goes well. today we decided to go to the local renaissance faire as a family and i found an old dress that i bought at the same faire when i was 10 (that was way too big for me at the time but fits me now) to dress up in and did my makeup and took a shower and was all hopeful about that. it took about two and a half hours to get there because traffic was especially awful today so i was a little stir-crazy from being in the car for so long when we got there but managed to pull myself together. it started off really fun and i was enjoying myself, there were multiple places at the faire that did shows every few mins and i watched some dudes joust and watched another guy who was an expert with whips do cool tricks with that and then happened to stumble upon an acrobatics show, there was like one row of seats (like low to the ground wooden bench type seats) left empty around the area so we sat and watched them. when their show ended i went to leave and one of my moms said we needed to stay in that area because my other mom was getting food for them and a water for me and we would lose her if we left. so we turned around on the bench facing the opposite way of the stage so that we could see her if she walked up. i thought about getting up a few times but kept getting distracted because of my shit adhd brain and also someone asked me to take a pic of their family and i was like ‘ok!’ and did that and then sat back down. so anyways my other mom found us and i was like ‘alright lets get going’ and then they sat back down to eat their food and i was like ok. so we continued sitting the way we were sitting and then like 5 mins later i thought i heard someone talking about us behind me???? like ‘look at them, its the whole row. this never happens anywhere else only in massachusetts’ and i turn around and like two girls are staring directly at me who just walked on the stage i guess???? and i was like ‘oh! i’m sorry, i’m totally oblivious, i didn’t know a new show was starting’ and the one who was talking about me looked at me and was like ‘no its fine its just that its so funny how this only happens here and never when we do shows anywhere else. just think thats weird.’ and then turned away and didnt like....start doing the show they were going to do......just continued to try and drum up an extra audience (and also borrowed some persons apple cider from the audience and drank it? i mean they didnt seem to mind so whatever i guess but. uh?) and like their show hadnt actually even started yet so they were still going to set stuff up. and while they turned away and went to the other side of the stage to continue setting stuff up i scooted closer to one of my moms and told her that i was like kind of mortified and really embarrassed and felt like i did something bad and wrong even though i hadnt meant to and that i felt like i was going to cry. so she removed us from the situation and we walked around for a few minutes and i tried to let it go but i really felt (and still continue to feel to this very minute hours and hours later) like i did something bad and was unintentionally rude and my mom told me that she saw and heard them act like that with the other audience people too and that they had just been trying to joke around with the audience in order to drum up more participation for the show that was coming up and that it seemed like part of how they opened the show, with like, snarky humor or whatever? but then i freaked out more because i hadnt even considered it being a joke? and i still dont get if it was meant to be a joke or not? which is part of why i ended up getting so worked up......i really genuinely thought up until today that i had no problem telling when people are purposefully joking around even if its at my expense because i grew up with a lot of sarcasm (new england is like....Extremely sarcastic all the time) but like......i guess not.......if it was a joke i still dont understand it. anyways i completely was unable to keep it together while we were walking around and tl;dr: burst into tears, became extremely extra flustered and embarrassed that i had burst into tears in a very public environment, managed to wipe my eyes and pull it together enough so that i could properly exit the faire with my moms without anyone asking me why i was sad, then immediately burst into tears again after getting in our car and cried the entire way home.

i just feel so embarrassed and flustered still, as of the time im writing this at almost 10 pm. and i cant stop replaying the scene in my head. and i genuinely dont know if i did something wrong or not or if those girls were just joking and heckling the audience or whatever. i dont understand that concept. i feel a lot of shame. im still trying not to burst into tears at the thought of it. and it makes me feel like i shouldnt even bother trying to do nice things for myself outside of my house because it seems like every time i go somewhere other than the mall i end up misunderstanding a situation with something or someone and end up having a complete emotional breakdown about it for the rest of the day, if not the week. im so frustrated with myself and im so frustrated with the way my brain works and i wish i could just process social interaction the same way as everyone else because the rest of the world seems to think this is not a problem for me!!! for whatever reason! i cant stop thinking about today and every time i think ive forgotten about it the memory replays in my head and i feel my chest seize up and i get a sensation to burst into tears again. even now im scared to post this because im afraid that im just like......taking everything too seriously and i sound unjustified in my reaction which i mean....i guess is true....in a way......i dont know. did i do something bad???? i really feel like i did. and i have no way of resolving this problem if i did. i cant stop overthinking this

[the-little-prophet]

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE: CHARLIE LITTLE 

ORIGINS & FAMILY: Name: Charles Boon-Mee Kai Little   Nickname: Charlie, Kai (Kai is Charlie’s chu len-- or Thai nickname.) Reason for name: Charles’ father wanted Charlie to have an English name first and foremost and named Charlie after himself. Boon-Mee is Charlie’s Thai name which means “good fortune.” Kai was the nickname that his mother chose because he was born early and was very small. Kai means chicken. ;) Age: 19 Gender: Male Place of birth: Swynlake, England Places lived since: Nowhere! Number of siblings: Charlie has one stepbrother from his mother’s second marriage. He usually only sees them when he visits his mother-- usually twice a year, hardly ever more. 

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Dad–Charles “Buck” Little used to be a pro baseball player from Los Angeles California, but an injury early on in his career benched him and ended that career. Instead, Charles “Buck” Little became an insurance agent and got a job working at InterPride until Taka Lyons took over and fired half his department. That was four years ago. Now Buck gets disability insurance and works at Pride U in their IT department.

Mum- Dr. Phailin Dilsworth, formerly Little, formerly Chaisurivirat. First-generation American, became a college professor and found a job teaching at Pride University where she had her first child, Charlie. She was NOT into the magick-friendly thing as much as Charles was and wanted to move for a long time. She blamed Swynlake as a big part as to why Charlie had his chronic sleeping disorder. Eventually she got a job teaching in a school down in Bournemouth and left Charlie and Buck when he was 9 years old. She remarried when he was 10 and moved with her husband, who was also a professor, to Toronto. Charlie talks to his mom on the phone every month or so and sees her for a few weeks in the summer/every other Christmas.

Sylvester Dilsworth- Charlie’s stepbrother-- same age-- who thinks Charlie is a #freak for growing up in Swynlake, aka England’s great failed experiment. Wants to go into Psychology like his dad (thinks Charlie is #crazy). Charlie does not like Syl.

PHYSICAL Height: 5’6 (teeny) Weight: 125 ish idk height Build: Charlie has always been very short since he was a child and grew very slowly. He’s kinda still hoping he’ll put on another inch or two before he’s done growing but… looking pretty hopeless Nationality: English Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Charlie has severe astigmatism in his eyes. He’s severely sleep-deprived and suffers from dissociative episodes. Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Olive-toned skin, and a few moles on his face and neck. Often times cuts himself shaving (does it like every few days) and so he’ll have tiny nicks here and there. Also misses lil hairs all the time, look he’s trying Distinguishing facial features: His very big thick glasses lmao and he’s got quite pretty eyes in my opinion, even if they are hidden behind his messy fringe and big, thick glasses.  Round cherub cheeks.

Hair color: Black. Usual hair style: Messy and long-- Charlie never has time to brush his hair in the morning   Eye color: Dark brown Glasses? Contacts?: yes to both though contacts bother his eyes.

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Charlie comes from a middle-class family and dresses like a typical Brit-- sweaters over collared shirts, that kind of thing. He leans toward hipster-esque if only because he likes comfy sweaters because it’s easiest to fall asleep in haha, and he’s often seen around in pajama pants and zip up jumpers if he slept past his alarm and had no time to change. I would call his style “frumpy nerd chic.” Typical style of shoes: He wears a lot of Toms because they are comfy and easy to slip on, so you know, better than sandals. Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Chronically sleep-deprived, Charlie also suffers from migraines. He’s noticed that if he has bad migraines one day, he’ll probably have a night terror. Which stresses him out. And makes the migraine worse. Otherwise, Charlie is a relatively healthy young boy, with pollen allergies in the spring but no other sensitivities.   

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): NGL this could be better but it’s not his fault he’s just very tired. He does take a shower nearly every day (cold showers to wake him up) and does his own laundry so he had clean clothes. But he often does not brush his hair and wears hats to make up for it. Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: None thus far! He does wear a watch. Accent?: Typical brit Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He rubs his eyes a lot and toys with his hair. He cleans his glasses both as a compulsion and because a lot of the time when he tries to rub his eyes he will hit his glasses and need to clean them from all the finger smears.   Athletic?: He’s pretty fast and limber due to yoga and many years spent running from disasters, whether real or imagined. But Charlie won’t be beating anybody up lol INTELLECT Level of education: Completed a nurse’s assistantship and has a pheblotomist’s license. Taking uni courses on the side, hopes to one day be a proper doctor/surgeon. Level of self esteem: Medium-low. Charlie feels like a burden to his father and a freak to other people even though he knows he can’t help his condition. Years of therapy mean he’s pretty in touch with his sense of self though so while he beats himself up, he does have coping mechanisms. He also knows he is trying his best !! Gifts/talents: An excellent drawer, a pretty great cook, and a hard worker. He also has a lot of practical life skills. He’s a practical guy. Shortcomings: He can struggle to concentrate because of his health issues, he’s pretty cowardly and paranoid, he overreacts, he’s a bit socially awkward (not in a shy kind of way-- Charlie is actually outgoing ish but because he doesn’t have many friends he doesn’t understand a lot of the social cues. His desperation for friendship is also Not Attractive). Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Nervous talker for sure. Doesn’t stammer, just goes on and on and on. Definitely overshares when nervous. “Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Left-brained.Charlie is deductive, rational, and wants to be a doctor someday. His secondary -claw is super strong and he craves an explanation for things and hates that he doesn’t have one for his night terrors. The fact that it could be magic also doesn’t comfort him but scares him, despite growing up in Swynlake (hey he thought he was a Mundus all the time ok!) beccause he doesn’t uNDeRstanD and can’t conTrol it. Artistic?: Yes, uses charcoal and pastels. Mathematical?: Yes, he’s p good at math. Languages? Just English. He once spoke in Tongues during one of his Doomer episodes but that was probably a glitch haha. His mother never taught him any Thai.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Logic, always logic.

Neuroses: Thinks World Is Ending At All Times

Life philosophy: uh don’t die? Do the good you can with the tools you have. Be Prepared-- Two is one, and one is none (aka hvae two of everything; its a prepper mantra). 

Religious stance:  Is starting to explore aspects of buddhism which is tied to his Thai culture (something he’s very distanced from especially because his mother no longer lives with him and she was pretty removed from it too) and hopes will help him with his night terrors.

Cautious or daring?:  Cautious Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist- the world is literally always ending.

Extrovert or introvert?: Ambivert, leaning to introversion. If Charlie had friends, he’d probably prefer smaller get togethers and that kind of thing but he would totally socialize and likes talking to people and working together in group projects charlie it is so sad that school is your main form of interaction.   Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable. True millennial. Instagram, Twitter, FB, blog. He depends on his phone and computer a lot for his social life/coping mechanisms. He definitely has internet friends who are doomers like him.

RELATIONSHIPS Current marital/relationship status: Single Sexual orientation: Bi. Charlie doesn’t really think about romance that much because he’s mostly preoccupied with Death but he had a crush his bff as a smol boy (who was also a smol boy) and also has crushed on girls from afar (and tbh probably kinda crushes on Minnie a bit because she’s so pretty and kind to him). He never really questioned it and so its a nonissue for him. He would like to have a romantic life one day but kinda thinks its impossible like who would like him he’s CRAZY. He can’t even sleep a whole night thru let alone with another person in the bed.

Past relationships: As a boy, he had a crush on his bff at the time--Nate. Nate’s family moved away following one of Swynlake’s disasters bc they weren’t gonna fuck with that shit.

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Charlie is not afraid to strike up conversation and sort of accepts his reputation as a Crazy Person so that helps deal with any social anxiety (he’s too busy with his generalized anxiety thanks hahahah.) He has a few people in his classes who are willing to work with him on projects and stuff, a few internet friends-- but otherwise he considers a lot of the patients at the hospital his friends… problematic charlie ur friends r gonna die

Most comfortable around (person): His...cat? SECRETS Life goals: Charlie has always wanted to be a doctor. He wants to be able to respond to medical emergencies like the ones that he’s seen, so he’s thinking of trauma surgery but is open to other paths (he’s also pretty interested in neuro because of his own disorder; he also loves kids, so pediatrics). Just as long as he can help people.   Dreams: it would be nice to have a normal one whats that like   Greatest fears: Death, dying, disaster. And that he’ll be helpless in the face of all that and can’t save the ones that he loves. Also that he’s gonna be a lowkey embarrassment to his father for the rest of his life. Most ashamed of: His night terrors and the fact that he drove his mom away (he didn’t). Compulsions: Snacking. He snacks a lot during the night and when he watches tv. Obsessions: Watching the Golden Girls a lot, also the impending apocalypse which he had been prepping for since he was small.   Secret hobbies: ...being a prepper…. Is that a hobby…astronomy also thats more normal !! Secret skills:... prepping… Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): none thank god What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Find a cure for his illness/curse What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: Charlie would really like to be TALL. His dad is very tall and he got none of those genes and he feels like a pipsqueak and kind of helpless and he sort of is. So number one: TALL. Then he’d like to not have glasses and one day wants to get laser eye surgery to correct his vision, especially if he wants to be a surgeon.

DETAILS/QUIRKS Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl bc he’s terrified of sleeping. Light or heavy sleeper?: heavy sleeper. When he is sleeping, nothing can wake up but like, his dreams or his father shaking and yelling at him. He sleeps like he’s dead lmao Favorite food: Spicy food is his fave. Loves sushi, also loves chips and potato crisps and snack foods in general. When he’s too tired to cook, he’ll just eat an entire bag of crisps.   Least favorite food: Charlie isn’t a fan of a lot of red meats, like burgers and stuff. Favorite book: uhhhh mmmmm charlie isnt a big reader, he’s usually watching television. If he’s reading, he’s reading medical cases and articles.   Least favorite book:  horror story books Favorite movie: old musicals, honestly-- Hello Dolly, Pajama Game, that kind of thing. Very soothing. Probably LOVES It’s A Wonderful Life. Least favorite movie: horror movies leave him alone Favorite song: gosh idk Least favorite song: idk eIETHER probably does not metal Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: crunchy Lefty or righty?: leftY Favorite color: green or brown Cusser?: er, a bit, normal youngin. He doesn’t curse in front of adults though he’s pretty good about that. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Charlie has had a few drinks here and there a social drinker if anything. Though he does wonder if drinking a lot could squash the dreams though this is a bad path for him to wander down. He has also thought the same about #drugs but is kind of a wimp and so he hasn’t tried any...yet Biggest regret: Charlie feels like he was a big part of the wedge that drove his mother to divorce his father because they had diff ways of dealing with charlie’s condition aka-- his mother wanted to deal with it and his father didn’t. This isnt really true, just another thing the two disagreed on. Pets?: A cat that his mom left behind! She’s old and fat and grey and her name is Emily

[enzaime-blog]

Second Opinion at Mayo Clinic Changes a Nurse’s Destiny

New Story has been published on https://enzaime.com/second-opinion-mayo-clinic-changes-nurses-destiny/

Second Opinion at Mayo Clinic Changes a Nurse’s Destiny

Distressed by the news that she had an inoperable brain tumor, Jessica Kenser sought a second opinion and received life-altering treatment from Mayo Clinic neurosurgeons.

December 2016 brought an end to an eight-day period in Jessica Kenser’s life that was bookended by events both devastating and astounding. That span of days began with the news that she had an inoperable brain tumor. It ended with that tumor being completely removed by Mayo Clinic neurosurgeons. Throughout the long week in between, there were many moments Jessica credits for the stunning change of events.

The first came just two days after Jessica, who is a nurse, learned she had a brain tumor deemed too deep to remove. While she was doing online coursework for a doctorate of nursing degree, an advertisement for Mayo Clinic appeared on her monitor. The ad spurred her to action.

Jessica called Mayo Clinic’s Rochester campus to request an appointment. She received the welcome news that she could get appointments the next day with physicians in Mayo Clinic’s Department of Neurology and Division of Neuro-oncology.

“Talk about by the grace of God,” says Jessica, who, with her husband, left her home in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, immediately after that phone call and spent the night in Rochester to be ready for her 7:30 a.m. meetings.

Another life-changing moment arrived when her Mayo Clinic neurosurgeon Terry Burns, M.D., Ph.D., informed Jessica that her tumor could, in fact, be removed, and the tumor’s location actually made surgery a promising treatment option. On Dec. 30, just two days after meeting a team of Mayo Clinic neurosurgeons, Jessica underwent surgery. The tumor, a low-grade noncancerous growth called a pilocytic astrocytoma, and its surrounding tissues were successfully removed.

Six months later, not only has Jessica recovered with minimal side effects, but she says the experience has deepened her faith and an increased her desire to spread goodness in the world.

“Had I not sought another opinion, eventually this tumor would’ve changed into a higher grade and grown enough to cause permanent damage, and it could’ve killed me,” Jessica says. “God literally answered all my prayers. I prayed that my tumor would be operable, that it would be low grade and that I would be healed.”

Frightening findings

Jessica discovered she had a mass in her brain in May 2014. An MRI, ordered by a primary care physician who was concerned about symptoms Jessica had experienced, found a 10 millimeter spot in her right temporal lobe. That’s the part of the brain responsible for processing and integrating memories with the senses of sight, sound, taste and touch.

Because the spot did not feature signs of having its own blood supply, her neurologist told her it was likely scar tissue.

“I said, ‘Wait. Is there a possibility that it’s a tumor of some sort? Let’s just get it out!'” Jessica recalls. “But he said nobody would even attempt that because of where it’s located deep in the temporal lobe. He said, ‘We’ll monitor it.'”

Accepting her physician’s advice to monitor the mass, Jessica underwent twice-yearly MRIs to check the growth. For two and half years, Jessica’s brain mass showed no change. But in late 2016, a test revealed that the growth had developed a blood supply. Terrified of what the change could mean, Jessica demanded to know if it was cancer.

“Had I not sought another opinion, eventually this tumor would’ve changed into a higher grade and grown enough to cause permanent damage.” — Jessica Kenser

“My doctor said, ‘No, we’ll just monitor it a little closer now,”‘ Jessica recalls. “And I said, ‘I want this out of my head.'”

Her physician’s response: “No one will touch it.”

Devastated by the news, but lacking another option, Jessica began praying, and she immersed herself in her work — until she saw the words ‘Mayo Clinic’ flash across her computer screen.

“Of course I’ve heard of Mayo Clinic, but I’m not from Minnesota. I’m from California,” Jessica says. “So when the ad went on my screen, I was like, ‘Mayo Clinic’s here!’ I literally called down to Mayo right then. They got me appointments with my neurosurgeon and my neuro-oncologist 12 hours after I called.”

Immediate intervention

When Jessica arrived at Mayo Clinic, she didn’t know — and her physicians, including neuro-oncologist Brian O’Neill, M.D., couldn’t tell using the MRI scans alone — the type of tumor that had taken up residence in her brain. But Jessica’s team was confident they could remove it, and they wasted no time proceeding to treatment.

“I was there on a Wednesday, and Dr. Burns said, ‘How about Friday morning?’ I was in surgery less than 48 hours later. That’s unheard of.”

Despite her savvy in the health care field, Jessica had never required surgery and admits being unnerved by what was before her.

“I’ve always been extremely compassionate, but I’ve never been the patient before. I didn’t fully get how real that fear is,” she says, adding that her nurses took extra care to allay her worries.

“The nurses down there were phenomenal,” she says. “When I first talked to Dr. Burns, I was just a wreck, and I was crying. His nurse Lucinda cried with me and held my hand.”

“I was there on a Wednesday, and Dr. Burns said, ‘How about Friday morning?’ I was in surgery less than 48 hours later. That’s unheard of.” — Jessica Kenser

The nurse who wheeled her to surgery was equally comforting and soothed Jessica throughout the trip to the operating room.

“I told her how scared I was, and she said, ‘I got you,'” Jessica says. “All the way she held my hand and was mouthing to me. ‘It’s all right.'”

After nearly seven hours in the operating room, Jessica’s tumor and much of the surrounding tissues were removed. When Jessica woke up, her thoughts immediately went to the code word she and her husband had chosen to indicate she was OK.

“I remember going into surgery. I remember waking up,” she says. “I have zero lapse in memory.”

Rapid recovery

Less than 48 hours after waking, Jessica was discharged from the hospital. Eleven days after that, she resumed her studies. Over the course of the next few months, she achieved three As and one B, and completed 150 hours of clinical work. In February, as soon as her driving restriction was lifted, Jessica returned to her job working with patients in need of respiratory therapy.

There were some difficulties along the way, though. Jessica says she struggled with anxiety and fear immediately after her operation. And although she could previously remember her many professional and familial obligations, she must now write things down to keep her busy schedule organized. But on the whole, Jessica says she feels her life has shifted for the better as a result of her ordeal.

“My husband asked me if I could go back and not have the brain tumor, would I? And I honestly can’t answer that because my faith and appreciation for life is so different,” she says. “My outlook on life is that I am blessed to be sitting in traffic. I’m blessed to be here. The little stuff does matter, and every day I wake up with a positive attitude. My whole goal is to make someone happy today.”