#I told myself I'd lay out for my mom why

[grotto-of-benedicaria]

The Judgment of the Nations.

31

f “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit upon his glorious throne,

32

and all the nations* will be assembled before him. And he will separate them one from another, as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.

33

He will place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34

Then the king will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.

35

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me,

36

naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.’

37

Then the righteous* will answer him and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?

38

When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?

39

When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?’

40

And the king will say to them in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.’

41

Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

42

For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,

43

a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill and in prison, and you did not care for me.’

44

Then they will answer and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?’

45

He will answer them, ‘Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.’

46

And these will go off to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

-----

For all Protestants and Ignorant Catholics talk of expecting an anti Christ (it was Nero, the Church basically said so), when this country does the most Anti Christ thing possible no one says a word.

Also you gave the techbros who already had all our info in a digital footprint access to our social security numbers to put numbers to those, and they want to do it in other countries. Taking over governments one country at a time.

And it's headed by someone who has explicitly put chips in human brains.

Who is the grandson on his mother's side of actual WWII German Nazis, who had expressed sympathy with their antisemitism, publicly endorsing the sorts of conspiracy theories the Nazis believed, who did their salute at his moment of cementing his own foothold over our governments leadership - and planning other governments like Germany's next.

They don't believe in an actual right to life. They want to roll back child labor laws, and put children in poverty in factories to earn their food without health care, break their young bodies since those are cheaper than our old ones, hope they get pregnant as teens, force them to work while pregnant, leading to maternal death, have the kids cut out of them, and repeat the process. That's a blatant disrespect for human life, treating it as disposable.

The sermon on the mount is being claimed as communist propaganda, calling compassion and empathy - the love that Paul said without which we are as a gong or clanging symbol, and without which John in his first letter said we Know Not God - sins. Loving your neighbor as yourself, a sin? Literally preaching anti the message of Christ.

For all conservatives worries of a one world AntiChrist government they sure are good at creating it right now.

Would a nation actually full of real followers of Jesus look the Oliver Twists of the world in the face and complain that they missed some great parties throwing their gruel distribution in the wood chipper?

[storiesforallfandoms]

icdiwabh ~ joseph quinn

word count: 3688

request?: no

description: after finding out that her recently broken up with ex is already in a new relationship, she puts on a happy face for the public. but she can't do the same with him

pairing: joseph quinn x female!reader

warnings: swearing, angsty angst, rpf, use of y/n

based on this song

masterlist (one, two, three)

To give her credit, my best friend and guitarist, Chloe, tried her best to keep me from looking at my phone before our show. And it was working. I didn't even think anything of it, just that we were goofing off before a show as usual.

And then my phone chimed with a text from my mom. She always sent me a good luck text before a show. I unlocked my phone to respond, then saw that my social media notifications were blowing up more than usual.

I shouldn't have looked, but you know what they say about curiosity and the cat.

I opened Twitter to see I was being mentioned a lot. Mainly in replies to other tweets, and most of the tweets were along the lines of, "What happened to @(Y/U/N)?" I clicked on one to see what that context was, and was brought to a tweet from Pop Crave.

"Joseph Quinn photographed on a date with Doja Cat," followed by various photos of my ex-boyfriend getting cozy with another woman.

I felt my heart drop and break into millions of pieces.

I know what you're thinking: why would seeing my ex moving on hurt so much? It's not like we were together. We were both free to see whoever we wanted now. But there were a few reasons this news was upsetting; for one, we had only broken up three months ago, which apparently is around the time when these pictures were taken. Second, Joseph had broken up with me due to the fact that I was a singer, which meant we didn't get to spend as much time together as either of us would've wanted. I understood at the time. I mean, of course the break up still hurt, but I kind of knew it was coming when things between us had felt different the last month or so of our relationship.

Then there was the biggest reason: Doja was the woman he told me not to worry about.

I am not joking.

Joseph and I were together when the whole Doja versus Noah stuff happened online. We both laughed about it at the time, and i had jokingly asked Joseph, "Should I worry about you getting stolen away by Doja Cat?" He had wrapped me in his arms, kissed me, and said of course not.

Obviously, that had changed.

Chloe found me just as the tears started to fall. She was quick to hug me and whisper comforting words.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry," she said. "But we have to get to the stage."

Performing was the last thing on my mind, but I had thousands of fans waiting for me. I couldn't let them down just because I was heartbroken.

I followed Chloe to take my place. I wiped the tears from my eyes, hoping my face wasn't too red or puffy. Our backstage crew passed me my microphone as the countdown for the show to start started in my earpiece. I took a deep, calming breath, pushing everything out of my mind. As the blinding stage lights hit me, I put on my best show smile.

~~~~~~

The next few weeks were tough. I had to go on a full social media hiatus, meaning I deleted all social media apps from my phone to keep myself from seeing any more updates on Joseph and Doja. Chloe took up posting on my accounts so no one suspected anything. We had already decided the best course of action was to ignore the questions and comments, and to pretend like the news didn't even hurt me.

But it did. It hurt me more than any words could ever describe. Having to go on stage two to three nights a week and sing the love songs I wrote about him made it even harder. I struggled to keep it together on stage sometimes. I saved the emotions for when I'd get back to the hotel or the tour bus. Then I'd be able to cry until my eyes hurt and were too heavy to stay awake.

Some nights were sleepless, though. On those nights, I'd usually just lay awake or try to use one of the streaming services on my phone to distract myself. One night, I found myself too hungry to be distracted. My stomach was rumbling enough that I could hardly hear the show I was watching. After some quick Googling, I found a 24 hour diner that seemed like it would be slow enough for me to go without being recgonized.

I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a baggy hoodie with the hood up to cover my face. I put my phone and my hotel room key in my pocket, and left to make my way to the diner.

As I expected, there weren't many people there. Maybe one table with two young ladies sat there, plus the workers. I kept my hood up anyways as I ordered, just in case. The host who took my order did look at me like he may have known who I was, but he didn't say anything.

My plan was to get my food and take it back to the hotel to eat it. But that plan was quickly changed when a familiar British voice said, "(Y/N)?"

I froze. There was no way he was actually here. It had to be a figment of my imagination. A hallucination made up by my misery over the breakup and his quick moving on.

But when I looked up, there he was. He was also in a hoodie and sweatpants, but was doing less to hide his identity. Actually, nothing to hide his identity. I couldn't help but glance around to make sure no one was looking at us or there was no paparazzi that had followed him and started snapping photos.

"How did you know it was me?" I asked, then realized it was a stupid question and winced at myself.

"That's...um...my hoodie."

I looked down and realized that he was right. I hadn't even noticed that I had it, even when I packed it for the tour.

"I was wondering where it went," he said with a little smile.

"Here it is," I said, lamely flourishing my hands. "I'd offer to give it back, but I'm not wearing anything underneath."

I saw him swallow at my comment. I thought I saw a tinge of pink creeping onto his cheeks, but I figured it must've been the lighting or something. There was no way I could still make him blush when he obviously had no feelings for me anymore.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I'm in town shooting the Fantastic Four movie," he explained. "I just finished a late shoot, so I stopped in for something to eat. What are you doing here?"

"I had a show tonight. I couldn't sleep, and I'm hungry. So..." I did my lame flourish again.

"Oh yes. The post-show adrenaline."

I ground my teeth to keep from saying anything. The weeks of sadness and misery suddenly vanished and became anger. I was angry at him for reminding me that he knew me so well. That we had shared memories on sleepless nights like this. I was also angry that he didn't think our breakup and his quick moving on would be the cause of my sleeplessness. Did he think I didn't know? Or just that I'd be okay with him and his new girlfriend mere weeks after our two year long relationship ended?

I just shrugged in response.

My order was called and I quickly grabbed it. I turned to give Joseph a wave as a goodbye. I needed to get out of there and get back to my hotel room to wallow in my dispair.

But it seemed Joseph had other plans, as he stopped me before I could leave. "Do you want to sit? Maybe...catch up?"

"Is that a good idea?" I asked.

"I don't see why it wouldn't be."

"You don't want your new girlfriend to see paparazzi photos of you with your ex."

There, it was finally out. No more tiptoeing around the topic.

It seemed to have its desired effect as Joseph was now awkwardly shuffling. He rubbed the back of his neck, which was now undoubtably turning pink. "So, you've heard."

"Of course I heard!" I snapped. I glanced around again, realizing I was raising my voice. "Your pictures are everywhere, and I'm being tagged in them cause we never told everyone we had broken up."

"I'm sorry you had to find out that way."

I scoffed. "How else was I going to find out? Were you going to call me and tell me you were dating the girl you said wasn't a threat to our relationship?"

He sighed. Before he could say anything else, they called that another order was ready, and evidently it was his. It was also packed in a to go bag, so he clearly had no intentions of staying either. With any luck, he'd drop this stupid idea of sitting down for a "catch up" and let me leave to deal with all the emptions I was feeling.

But of course, luck was not on my side.

Joseph grabbed his food and turned back to me. "Just...sit with me for 15 minutes at least. Let me explain."

Even though I very much wanted an explanation, I said, "You don't have to explain anything."

"Just...please, (Y/N)."

And that's how I found myself sat in a booth that was tucked away, in the middle of the night with my ex-boyfriend.

It was a bad idea, and I knew that. Besides the fact that I definitely should not be sitting down with the ex that I had been in shambles over for weeks, it was also a bad idea publicity wise. Joseph wasn't trying to hide himself. Anyone could see us and snap a picture, or call paparazzi to make a quick buck. Even with me trying to hide myself, someone would eventually put the pieces together to realize it was me. Then we'd have a whole new shit show on our hands.

I opened my food and started to eat. There was no point in letting it go cold and completely ruin my night. Joseph wasn't as quick to do the same. He was watching me. When I realized he wasn't eating, I made a gesture for him to start talking.

"Is there anything specific you want to know?" he asked.

Well, that was a stupid question. There was a lot I wanted to know. So much so that I knew we'd be here way longer than 15 minutes if I asked it all.

I decided to ask him the most prominent question on my mind: "Did you leave me for her?"

He seemed stunned by my question. "No! No, of course I didn't. Why would you think that?"

I gave him a look. "Come on, Joseph. We both know why I'd think that."

He shuffled in his seat. "It's not like that."

"Then explain it. That's the whole reason I'm sat here."

So he did. He told me he met Doja (he used her real name, which made my stomach churn) at her concert. He had gone with a few friends, and when she found out he was there she brought them backstage to meet her. He swore it was all casual at first, that they were just friendly and were making light of the situation between her and Noah. When things started changing, he swore it was just a rebound thing.

"I never meant for it to become anything more," he insisted. "I was still so hurt. I just wanted something that would take my mind off of the pain."

I couldn't hold back the scoff that escaped my lips. "What?"

"Oh, nothing," I said. "I'm just so sorry to hear that you were hurting."

"What, you don't think our breakup was hard for me?"

"Weirdly enough, no, I didn't think you took things hard when you dumped me."

Joseph sighed. "It wasn't - "

"And you know what else?" I cut him off. "You told me you found it hard for us to be together because of our professions. And, honestly, I understood! If you weren't away filming, I was away touring. If you weren't doing press for a movie or show, I was doing press for an album. It wasn't easy, and while I was willing to go through those strifes for us, I did understand how it could be too difficult for you. But then you turned around, not even a month after you dumped me, and started dating another singer."

He was quiet. He couldn't even meet my eye.

I felt a lump forming in my throat, and my voice cracked as I said, "If you didn't love me anymore, you could've just said that."

He looked up at me quickly. "That's not - "

He was cut off again. Not by me this time, but by his phone. Someone was calling him. When I looked at the screen, I saw her name. It felt like a knife directly through my heart.

I packed my food and stood. Joseph looked like he was going to say something, but I put a hand up to stop him. "Answer your girlfriend, Joseph."

He didn't try to stop me when I left this time.

~~~~~~

As I expected, photos of Joseph and I got out. I didn't know to what extent as I still wasn't back on social media. My manager confronted me about it and I explained what had happened. She wasn't upset as I wasn't the one who hadn't been concealing my identity, and she agreed that the best course of action was just to ignore everything until it blew over.

Another two months passed and the tour finally ended. It became easier to perform as the time went on. Not completely easy, and I did have a night or two where I slipped up and got emotional on stage, but eventually I was able to put the meanings of my songs aside and just performed them for my fans. I knew some nights weren't as great as others, but I got through it, and finally I was going to have a break.

Chloe reluctantly agreed to let me have my social media back. I was still hurting a little, but I told her I couldn't isolate myself forever. It just wasn't healthy. Besides, I would need something to keep me occupied while I was home, besides just watching mind numbing reality TV. She finally relented when I told her she could watch me block the words "Joseph Quinn" and "Doja Cat" on all social media so that I wouldn't have to see any posts about them.

I was honestly surprised to find that I didn't want to look up anything to do with them. For a long time, the desire to know about their relationship was eating away at me. There were so many specifics I felt like I needed to know, but I eventually realized that I was just going to hurt myself further if I looked into them. Of course, I didn't completely stop thinking about Joseph. I didn't expect to. We had been together for two years, almost moved in with one another. I thought we were going to get married. You don't just let that go easily. But at least it was getting a little easier to live in a world where he was no longer mine.

On one particularly nice day, I decided to go out on the balcony to read. It was one of those fall days where the sun was out and there was a little heat coming from it, but not enough that it was unbearable. A slight breeze would blow through every so often, just cool enough to keep it tolerable outside. I was laid back in one of my deck chairs, engrossed in my book to a point that I hadn't heard someone approaching.

"Must be an interesting novel."

I jumped at the sound of a voice coming from my driveway below. I bookmarked my page and sat up to see the last person I wanted to be around. "What are you doing here, Joseph?"

"I just got back from filming."

"Good for you."

"I...I was hoping you were home."

"Well, you see that I am. Don't let the gate hit you on the way out."

"(Y/N), can we just talk?"

I stood from my seat and leaned over the balcony railing to look at him. "We said all there was to say in that diner months ago. There's nothing else to be talked about. Besides, do you want more pictures of us to come out? I'm sure Doja wouldn't be happy to see her man making a personal visit to his ex's place."

"We broke up!"

I stopped. "What?"

"Last month. It was all over social media, or so Lupita tells me." He tilted his head. "You didn't hear?"

"I-I blocked yours and Doja's names on social media so I wouldn't have to see any tweets or posts about you."

Joseph looked at me for a moment before barking out a laugh. I couldn't help but put a hand over my face as I laughed as well. Of course, by trying to block him out completely, I had totally missed the one thing I would've wanted to see.

I was a bit reluctant, but eventually I invited Joseph to come up. He knew his way through my place, he had been there enough times. I sat back down on my deck chair and pulled another one closer to me, as he appeared in the glass doorway. He sat down next to me and memories of all the times we had been out here flooded back to me.

"I wasn't done talking that night in the diner," he said. "I still had so much to say, and I have even more to say now."

"I didn't want to hear it," I admitted. "In my mind, after hearing how you and Doja got together, it just made more sense if you had broken up with me because you didn't love me anymore."

He shook his head. "It wasn't that at all. I never stopped loving you."

I was itching to ask him if that meant he still loved me now, but instead I said, "Then why?"

"I broke up with you because I loved you so much," he said. "Because loving you but not getting to spend time with you hurt so much, and I knew there was no way around that. When I started getting more job offers I knew things were just going to get so much busier for me, and that our already very short time together was going to dwindle down more and more, and I hated the thought of that."

"I would've taken a break," I told him.

"I couldn't ask you to do that. You love making music and performing. I could never ask you to stop doing that, or to change that. I thought the best thing for you would be if you could find someone who wasn't as busy, and who'd be able to go on tour with you and be at all your shows. Someone who wouldn't be in a different time zone basically 11 months out of a year and only be able to call you for an hour max every night."

"But what if that's not what I want?" I asked. "Yes, it was hard not to get to see you all the time, but I never would've traded that for anything else. I was so proud of you for all those roles you were getting, and even if I only got to talk to you for a few minutes, I loved getting to hear what you were doing. Because you were achieving your dream, and I got to be there to experience it. I don't want someone who can be with me all the time, I want you."

I hadn't noticed that we were both sat on the edge of our chairs. We were so close we were almost touching. I could smell the familiar scent of his cologne and it was making my heart skip a few beats.

"I should've talked to you instead of deciding just to end things," he said, his voice soft and quiet.

"You should've," I agreed. "And then if you were going to rebound, you shouldn't have done it with the girl you told me not to worry about."

He awkwardly chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, not my finest moment."

I sat back in my chair, although I didn't want to. I wanted to keep being this close to him, or maybe to get closer. "So why did you two breakup anyways?"

"She was nice and all, but she wasn't you."

We sat in silence, letting his words sink in. He was looking at me, almost like he was waiting. Maybe I was waiting, too, to see where that confession was supposed to go. After a few moments, my body moved before my mind could comprehend what was happening. I quickly leaned forward, nearly putting myself on Joseph's lap, and started kissing him. He kissed me back immediately, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me the rest of the way onto his lap.

"I missed you," he mumbled against my lips.

"I missed you too," I admitted. I pulled away to add, "But don't think you're completely off the hook. You did still hurt me, you know."

"I know I did. I'll spend the rest of my life making up for it if I have to."

I smiled. "I think I like the sound of that."

He smiled back at me and pulled me back in for another kiss. Eventually, my book was abandoned on the balcony, and the large blinds were closed to keep from anyone being able to see the reunion happening inside.

[runawaycatwalker]

Part 32. Her Consideration (Midnight Rendezvous, Part B)

< First | < Previous | Next >

Description below the cut

Ladybug sits on her chaise lounge cross-legged and with head in her hands.  Chat Noir moves to sit down beside her.

Ladybug: Can I think about this first?

Chat Noir: Of course.  You can take all the time you need.  But, since I'm here, I can lend an ear and give you my opinions.

Ladybug: I assume that you'd prefer that I find out your identity?

Chat Noir: I support whichever option you pick—even neither.  Just not both.

Ladybug: If I pick the Catwalker option, it'd be bad if Mayura ever decides to reveal you.  But I'm not so sure she would—she could have told me who you are when we talked, but she deliberately didn't.

Chat Noir: Maybe she's happy to keep my identity to herself if she thinks it gives her the advantage?

Ladybug: Maybe...

Ladybug lays back on the chaise lounge, raising her hands up towards the ceiling, while Chat sits beside her.

Ladybug: And if I picked you instead...?  I still wouldn't know how to deal with Catwalker.

Chat Noir: You might not have to.  Just let him have another chance and see what he does.

Ladybug: And if he does something terrible?  I couldn't forgive myself if he used his Cataclysm on someone else.

Chat Noir: What do you mean 'someone else'?

Ladybug: I'm pretty sure he killed his mom to stop her from finding out his identity.

Chat Noir holds up his hands in deeply disturbed protest, while Ladybug points a finger up at him.

Chat Noir: No.  That's... No.  That never happened.

Ladybug: He was alone with his mom, so you can't be sure he didn't lie to you about what he really did.

Chat Noir: He's not hiding things from me.  I'd definitely know if he was.  He has a... tell when he lies.  Not anything that anyone else could spot, but to me?  It’s extremely obvious.  And completely foolproof.

Ladybug: So if I pick Catwalker's 'truth', you'll tell me how to notice his 'tell' too?

Chat Noir: Not directly, but...

Ladybug sits up as Chat points towards her with a smile.

Chat Noir: You'd get on his wavelength, understand how he really thinks.  You'd know what lengths he would—and wouldn't—go to.  It'd be abundantly clear why I trust him despite his failings.  It'd almost be like it was before—it'd feel right again, but without any doubts.  And it would mean him knowing that he can open up his heart to you.

Ladybug: Just because he could let me know him, it doesn't mean he wants that.

Chat Noir: Everyone wants to be known—that includes him too.  And he'd be so forthcoming if he knew he didn't have to lie about everything anymore.

Ladybug rubs the back of her neck as she raises a contradictory finger.  Chat rubs his arm and looks evasive.

Ladybug: He'd tell me everything?  Because I know he hasn't told me the full truth about Adrien and doesn't want to...

Chat Noir: Ah.  That's... a bit of a touchy subject.  I know everything, but... I can’t talk about the Adrien situation without permission.

Ladybug: Catwalker's gagging you?

Chat Noir looks towards Ladybug, holding up a hand to halt her line of thinking.

Chat Noir: No!  I have Catwalker's consent to tell you anything I want about him.  This is something else.  A promise I made to someone.

Ladybug: And this 'someone' is...?

Chat Noir: I can't tell you right now.  But you definitely trust them.  I'm trying to get their permission to divulge the details to you, but... they have other priorities.  You shouldn't make knowing about Adrien the deciding factor for choosing Catwalker.

Ladybug squeezes her pillow in exasperation.  Chat Noir leans backwards in contemplation.

Ladybug: I hate this.  I hate that no matter what, there's still going to be secrets.

Chat Noir: I know.  I hate it too.  Whenever you kept me in the dark, I always felt the urge to break something, it was so frustrating.  But now that I'm on the other side, I think it's safe to say that keeping all the secrets feels just as horrible.  I desperately want to scream the truth from the rooftops, but I have to bite my tongue.  It's only because I know that you'd have wanted me to keep these secrets that I've been able to hold back.

Ladybug holds out her hands in front of her as Chat watches.

Ladybug: You make it sound like lying is harder than telling the truth.

Chat Noir: Isn't it?

Ladybug: No!  I've had to lie so much, I make up excuses without even thinking anymore!  To say nothing of all the things I'm too much of a coward to admit to anyone I care about!

Chat Noir: You're not a coward.  You're one of the bravest people I know.

Ladybug: You wouldn't think that if you knew what I've kept from you.

Chat Noir: Try me.  Not that you have to divulge everything.  But I'm happier when you let me in.  It's better than being left in the dark without even knowing the reason why.

Ladybug: You would know, wouldn't you...?

A closeup of Ladybug clenching her hands, with Chat Noir placing his hand on hers.

Ladybug: Chat, I never told you this, but... we have shared identities before.

Chat Noir: I’m guessing this was during Oblivio since I don’t remember?

Ladybug: No.  Well, maybe then too, but that's not what I'm talking about.  There have been at least two other times where we ended up finding out who the other person was.  Both times, it was so disastrous that time travel was necessary to fix it.

Chat Noir: What happened?

Ladybug: One I don’t really know.  The other… I wish I didn’t.

Chat Noir: Please tell me.

Flashback to “Chat Blanc,” after water covers all of Paris and the moon is destroyed.  Chat Blanc fights himself as he raises a Mega Cataclysm to the sky.  The destroyed form of Ladybug holds out her hand in front of her.

Ladybug (voiceover): You... you got akumatized after learning my identity.  And at the point in the timeline when I arrived…?  Chat...  There was no one left.

Cut back to Chat Noir, lost in the darkness of this revelation.

Ladybug: Chat?  Please say something.

Chat Noir: I can't tell you my identity.  If me being akumatized means I... I kill everyone...?  No one can ever learn who I am...

Ladybug embraces Chat Noir, holding him tight.

Ladybug: No!  You have it wrong, Chat!  I assumed that the problem was us sharing our identities.  That knowing too much made one of us get akumatized.  But there's another explanation.

Cut to the image of Chat Noir and Ladybug fist-bumping as civilians, wearing ‘I ♥ LB’ and ‘I ♥ CN’ t-shirts and splashes of their hero costumes.  Unbeknownst to them, Mayura is behind them, watching.

Ladybug (voiceover): In Chat Blanc's world, we must have become close as civilians.  But Mayura was watching.  She would have noticed when we acted too much like we do as Ladybug and Chat Noir.  That's what must have led to Hawkmoth ambushing you.  They targeted you while you were vulnerable, only for it all to backfire.  This time it's different.

Cut back to Ladybug holding Chat Noir’s face in her hands as tears continue to stream down his face.

Ladybug: Mayura did ambush you ...and you got away.  I can't imagine what you sacrificed to get away.  But me learning your identity can’t lead to total destruction.  Not anymore.  You already escaped that fate.  There's nothing stopping me from learning who you really are now, Chat.  So I know what I choose: It's you.

A closeup of Chat Noir’s apprehensively yearning face, Ladybug reflected in his eyes.

Chat Noir: But what about Catwalker?  You still don’t trust him.

Ladybug: This is more important.  You are more important.  You've already given me something about Catwalker I didn't have before: Your certainty.  That will have to be enough.  You always trusted me without knowing why.  Now it's my turn to trust you.  Because you need this more than I do.  To let your heart be fully known to the one person you've always wanted to share it with.  I've seen what happens when you have no one.  And maybe this way you'll still be able to have me.  I want you to feel safe knowing that I’ll always be looking out for you, no matter what side of the mask you’re on.  So please, Chat: Who are you?

Below is the same image as above, only without text:

[jenniferjareauwife]

Bottled Up

pairing: jennifer jareau x daughter reader

category: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings: depression

word count: 706

age: 15

summary: your mom noticed somethings going on with you and wants to do everything she can to help

I had slept in past my alarm for 10 minutes. Well not really sleeping, just laying in bed and hoping that my mom had left for work so I could just skip school. "Y/n." I groaned to myself as I heard my mom's voice on the other side of my door.

"Come in." I told her quietly. She walked in, shutting the door behind her before turning off my alarm. She slid into bed next to me, putting her arm over my waist and holding me close to her. No matter how old I was, cuddles from my mom always helped and she knew that.

"I called your school, told them you were sick today." She laced her fingers with mine and gave my hand a squeeze.

"You did that?"

"Yeah. I could tell you needed a break." She stayed quiet, seeming like she wanted me to say something. "Y/n?"

"Hm?"

"Wanna come downstairs? We can have some ice cream."

"For breakfast?"

"Yeah." I stayed quiet for a few moments. "Come on hon. You've gotta get some food in your system."

"I'm not hungry."

"Honey...you've gotta eat something, ok?"

"Fine. But can it wait til later? I really like my bed." She laughed softly and nodded. "I promise I'll eat."

"Honey?"

"Hm?"

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." She propped herself up on her elbow and moved my hair away from my face. "I'm your mom, you may think I'm oblivious but I notice things." I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. "Look...you don't have to talk about it now if you don't want to but I'd prefer if you'd talk about it sooner rather than later. It's not good to keep it all bottled up."

"I just...I don't know how to explain it, you know?"

"Yeah I get it."

"I want to talk about it. I just don't know how to get the words out."

"Do you want me to call your therapist? I can schedule an appointment for you again if you feel like you need it." She kissed my temple while waiting for my response.

"Yeah I think...I think that'd be good."

"I'll call her later today, ok?" I nodded in response, turning around so I was face to face with her. "Oh honey..." She sighed when she saw a tear rolling down my cheek, wiping it away and leaving a kiss in its place.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I feel so empty...all the time. It's just really overwhelming. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't want to do anything...everything's boring and I don't get joy from anything." The words came spilling out and I didn't know how to stop them. She was my mom, the best mom in the world, I knew she would understand and do whatever it takes to help me. "I just...I don't see the point in things anymore, you know? There's no reason for anything. We just exist because someone wanted to see us suffer." She laughed at that.

"I would not be surprised if that were the case."

"Why aren't you at work?"

"I knew you needed me."

"How'd you know?"

"My parental instincts."

"Your spidey sense?" She laughed loudly.

"Sure you can call it that." She tucked my hair behind my ear again before rubbing my back. "You know how important you are to me, right? How much I love you."

"Yeah."

"You're the most important person in my life hon. Don't you ever forget that, alright? You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I knew the voices in your head are probably telling you something else, I know after this you might want to shut me out even more but don't. I'm your mom and I love you more than life itself." I teared up at her words. "Aw don't cry baby." She wiped my tears and kissed my forehead.

"I'm-"

"No apologizing." I nodded. "Let's go downstairs, have some ice cream and binge watch Station 19, how does that sound?"

"That sounds really good mom. Thank you."

"Of course. Anything for my baby." She wrapped me in a bear hug, reminding me why everyone calls her mama bear. She gave me an over exaggerated kiss on the top of my head before dragging me out of bed. "I love you kiddo."

"I love you too mom."

[askbensolo]

OH yeah it is unauthorized mailbag hour my dudes*

*unwillingly paid for by The Chommell Sector Daily

@mal-is-tall @hey-its-starface Yeah…brandishing a lightsaber (even an unpowered one) at my uncle was not one of my sanest moments. But...uh...look on the bright side...no one got hurt??

Oh, Force no! I’ve been at home. My home, I mean. On Naboo. As shocking as this may be to you, I’ve actually never been involuntarily hospitalized. I mean, they did hold me for a bit after I ran away from home that one time, but—not since then. (Jury's still out on whether this is a good or bad thing—just kidding—maybe)

It...actually doesn't seem like Luke's told anyone what happened. He definitely hasn't told my mom. Because if he had told my mom—well, I would've found out pretty quickly.

I don't know why Luke hasn't told anyone. Maybe he feels bad for me. Maybe he doesn't actually believe I'm a threat (is that better or worse than my mom seeming to fear l am?).

Or, maybe, it's a strategic play. And Luke's just trying to keep this in his back pocket for as long as possible, so he can lay down his sabacc card at just the right moment. That's what Snoke thinks, anyway. Not that I give a womprat's tail what Snoke thinks—but, it's a thought, isn't it?

I did apologize to Luke for...for holding out the saber like that. I know that was pretty uncool of me.

But...l also told him I never want to speak to him again. Which is kind of a shame, because before all of this happened, I was actually getting to the point of maybe wanting to tell him I was having dreams about Snoke—but oh well never mind I guess!!!

@baconbirdie Ha. Yeah. I agree.

Snoke had warned me that the Jedi have a narrow-minded way of looking at things. That, if there was a choice to be made, between me and—and, like, the light side or whatever—that Luke would choose the Force over me. That Fannie would, too, as Luke has instructed her to. And I ignored him, because I figured he was just trying to psych me out, like usual, but…well, I’ll be paying a little more attention in the future.

I’m not saying that that makes Snoke right about everything. But…I think it does make him right about some things. I’m a little more open to hearing to what he has to say, is what I’m saying.

Don’t freak out. I haven’t forgotten what Snoke did to me. I still hate him for that. But, you know what they say. Even a stuck chronometer is right twice a day.

...Yeah. I can't pretend anymore that this isn't happening. Maybe, if I had continued meditating consistently like Luke taught me to do, Snoke wouldn’t have been able to start reaching me again…

...Well, I can't pretend to myself anymore, I mean. But I'll pretend to my family all day!!

You fought in the Clone Wars? Wow, you must be, like—seventy-something years old! Wait, you know how to use the HoloNet??

Sorry that was rude—

Anakin... I don't ever think about Anakin Skywalker much. My mom raised me to see Bail Organa as my grandfather. She hates her birth father, in a way that makes me worry—in my darkest moments—that she might secretly hate me too.

I know a lot about Darth Vader. Darth Vader was my hyperfixation between the ages of twelve to sixteen. But...I know very little about Anakin. Well—nobody knows very much about Anakin. Most of the holorecords on him seem to have been wiped. He almost...doesn't seem real.

...You think he would have been proud of me?

...Well. That'd make someone, I guess.

Uuurgghh I don't wanna go back to therapy! I already did therapy!! I graduated from therapy!!! (Yes I know that's not how that works I'm just kidding)

...I guess you're right, though. I've just...been trying not to think about everything for the past week, and I know that can only get me so far.

And maybe you're right about...about anger. I do struggle with that. I mean, that's no secret or surprise to anyone. I just...feel kinda scared a lot of the time, and…I'd so much rather be mad than scared.

And you're right about not basing your self-worth on others. I may have been avoiding thinking about my problems this past week, but I did decide on one thing—I'm not the freaking problem, Luke is, and someone needs to tell Fannie she doesn't need to let him decide how she wants to live her life. Especially if the way she wants to live her life is with me.

@bookishbrigitta

Auntie Malla? Oh, for kriff's sake! You just want me to look like a total idiot for not having practiced my Shyriiwook in like, seven years—buddy, I'm tellin' ya, she will have my hide—it’s tragic, really; Chewie doesn’t know this, but ever since I left home I’ve been relying more and more on body language and context clues and my dad’s half of the conversation to understand what they’re talking about—it’s so bad—

But...actually? I don't think I've ever flown out to Kashyyyk on my own before. I've been there since I moved out, yeah, for Life Day and stuff—but, always with my family.

And...always with Uncle Luke. But now that I've decided I'm never speaking to Luke ever again…well, who knows where I'll be this Life Day.

...Yeah. Maybe I'll plan a little trip.

…Welp. Time to redownload Duro’lingo and start up my Shyriiwook streak.

[lovingmysister6969]

Jane, my younger sister took me upstairs to their bedroom. Leaving the door open because we stopped shutting it a long time ago because Mom never comes upstairs whenever we're upstairs.

I already knew what she wanted. We didn't have to say anything. We just got undressed and she laid down on her bed spreading her legs apart waiting to feel my dick inside of her warm velvet smooth vagina.

I'm already hard before I get my pants off and now I'm climbing up on top of her naked wanting body.

Laying down on top of her we looked into each other's eyes as I pushed opening her up to accept me inside of her.

She started kissing me as I'm enjoying myself making her feel good and enjoying feeling myself moving in and out of her.

We're just relaxing taking our time to enjoy the way we make each other feel. Our kissing gets more heated and as our bodies become more aroused.

As the tension builds inside of us our moans become louder. Oh yes you make me feel so good. I love your dick inside of me. She's moaning and we're thrusting up against each other driving me deeper inside of her then grinding our pelvises against each other's in opposite directions making it feel amazing.

Her nipples are so hard sticking up off of her flat chest and she moans while running her fingers through my hair as I'm sucking on them.

She is so limber she lays her legs wide open stretching them out sideways across the bed allowing me to get so deep inside of her vagina that I can feel myself pushing her cervix back and she's loving the pleasure it gives her.

It feels amazing to me as well and we're not being quiet about it either. It was just a wonderful moment and we were enjoying everything about it.

Feeling myself pushing against her cervix and pressed hard against her pelvis. Both of us wanted to be deeper inside of her as her moans filled the bedroom and traveled downstairs.

We were kissing heavily as I'm taking deep meaningful thrust into my younger sister's sweet pussy. Then suddenly we heard someone saying, so this is what you've been doing together for fun upstairs?

It was our mother. I quickly pulled out turned around and backed myself up to the headboard while Jane was laying there with her legs spread apart showing her beautiful pussy.

Our mother just laughed, it's perfectly fine. You're always disappearing upstairs for a few hours before coming back downstairs. I figured you two were doing something together upstairs you didn't want me to know about.

I guess someone needed more than just taking baths together. Who started this? She asked.

I pointed at Jane and she shook her head yes. I see. Your body must have been craving for something your brother has to satisfy it. She told Jane.

Are we in trouble? She asked.

Why would you be in trouble? It looks like your brother figured out how to satisfy that craving inside of you. I'd say that is something to be happy about.

Did you have time to finish? It doesn't look like it with that beautiful erection you have.

I did get to watch enough to see how well you were working together to satisfy each other. There's no reason why you shouldn't finish. She told us.

Jane and I looked at each other not really knowing if we should start again with her standing there looking at us.

What are you wanting for? I've already seen you two enjoying each other. Sorry for interrupting you. You've gotten much thicker and longer than a few years ago.

You should let your sister enjoy your beautiful erection inside of her instead of just looking at it.

Use it for what it's intended for, she told me. Go ahead I would love to see how well you actually satisfy your sister, she told me.

We've had Barbara our youngest sister and some of their friends watching us before so we're used to that, but our mother?

Go ahead. Why don't you try being on top of your brother, Mom suggested to Jane.

I'm starting to throb down and she sees it. You better hurry before your brother isn't hard anymore. She told Jane.

Have you ever been on top before? She asked her.

No, Jane replied.

Just sit in his lap facing him and get his beautiful dick inside of you then figure out the rest, she instructed Jane.

She moved getting herself in my lap facing me then reached down talking me and finding her opening.

Then there's that amazing pleasure of going inside of her vagina again. She feels it too as she lowers herself down taking me completely up inside of her.

Feels good, I whispered. Yeah it does, she whispered back. Then she began moving her hips back and forth moving me in and out of her.

There was no denying that amazing pleasure of feeling Jane's velvet smooth warm vagina sliding back and forth against my entire dick.

We can feel me getting harder inside of her and she's beginning to like. She relaxed putting her hands on my shoulders then started thrusting a little harder driving me up deeper into that amazing body of hers.

Taking hard fast thrust forward to drive me deeper and harder against her cervix as I'm sitting on her bed letting myself enjoy the feeling.

The more intense it gets the more intense she gets. She's really getting into it and Mom is standing there behind her watching her and seeing how much Jane is enjoying herself with my hard dick inside of her soft warm velvet smooth vagina.

Jane began moaning freely letting herself enjoy what she was doing. Then she began grinding her hips in circles like we do when I'm on top of her and that increases her pleasure making her moan louder.

You feel so good, she's moaning deeply as she's attacking my dick with her body wanting to feel me going deep inside of her harder and harder.

Our mother is smiling as she sees how Jane is reacting and I'm definitely enjoying her as well.

Then Jane was beginning to get a little tired. It was like instinct. I just grabbed her. Wrapped my arms around Jane then moved her underneath me then began thrusting and she spreads her legs open letting me get all the way deep inside of her body.

Again and again I thrust myself into that amazing pussy of hers. She's holding my face kissing my lips and telling me how much she loves it.

Keep going, harder, faster. I want Mom to see how much I love you inside of me, she told me.

I slipped my hands underneath her arms reaching up and taking hold of her shoulders to hold her still.

Then I just began thrusting and hard and fast as I could go. Her bed is shaking violently underneath us and we're moaning to the intense pleasure we're feeling.

Then she wrapped her arms and legs around me and kept on moaning. The intense pleasure building up inside of me driving my body to thrust even faster and harder into Jane's amazing body.

There was no stopping it now as she's moaning loudly until she feels my body shoving me completely inside of her. Pressing hard against her cervix then she felt my first load being delivered inside of her vagina.

Yes! She yells when she felt it hitting her cervix. Then another load of sperm shooting inside of her hitting her cervix again, yes! She yells keep going. I want all of it inside of me, she yelled.

My legs are shaking as that intense pleasure is shooting though my dick and into my entire body.

We can feel my hard dick leaping inside of her vagina again and again as I keep on ejaculating deep inside of her wanting body.

We're just holding each other tightly enjoying the pleasure of the moment then I slowed down until I was finished.

Our mouths pressed together and we kissed each other passionately as my body instinctively gave Jane a few more thrusts to ensure I'd gotten as much of my sperm inside of her as possible.

When I pulled out of Jane and rolled over onto my back our mother had the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen.

That was so beautiful, she said. Mom could see my dick coated with my sperm.

Looks like you're old enough to give your sister something to remember you by. It's a good thing she's not old enough to get pregnant, yet.

Open your legs. I want to see how much sperm your brother put inside of you, she told Jane.

She spread apart her legs then opened up her labia exposing the opening to her vagina.

There's just a little bit of my sperm running out. That's not too much. How much do you enjoy feeling your brother putting his sperm inside of you? She asked Jane.

His white stuff? She asked.

Yes, that's called sperm, and it's how you get pregnant. But, I'm not worried about that yet.

It feels good. It's nice and warm and it feels really good going inside of me, Jane told Mom.

It is one of the important parts of doing that together. The others are as important but to feel your bother finishing inside of you.

That lets you know how well you've satisfied him. Making him ejaculate other ways can be fun too. As long as you get him to ejaculate. That's important, She told Jane.

I seen Jane looking at her not fully understanding what she was talking about, me too.

Making his white stuff come out of his dick. That's called ejaculate. She informed us.

Oh, yeah I like it when he does that! She said perking up.

I can see that. We'll be needing to find a way for you to enjoy that without your brother getting you pregnant, she said.

You two should get cleaned up. Let's go downstairs to the bathroom. She told us.

We went to put our clothes back on. No, just stay naked. It's fine. You can come downstairs like that. She told us.

All of us went downstairs to the bathroom and Mom turned on the water letting it get warm. Grabbed a washcloth getting it wet then handed it to Jane.

Go ahead and clean off your brother. Be gentle, she cautioned her.

I don't mind what you're doing together. You've already discovered how wonderful it feels to have that urge inside of you satisfied by each other, and now that you've both have been awakened by the pleasure of enjoying sex together.

That urge isn't going to be going away anytime soon. So we'll just need to be sure you don't get your sister pregnant while you're giving her what she needs to satisfy the reason she came to you in the first place. She told me as Jane is washing off my dick.

You can still take baths together and your youngest sister. Is she doing this with you too? She asked me.

We play around together, Jane told her. What do you mean by that? She asked Jane.

We play with each other down there. That's called your treasure box. That's one name for it anyways and you definitely discovered that your brother has the perfect key to unlock it and fill it with his treasure.

As much as others don't appreciate bother and sisters doing this together. As far as I'm concerned. I don't think it will hurt to allow you to continue enjoying each other like that.

We'll just have to make sure we use precautions when you get a little older. For right now you can enjoy feeling your brother ejaculating deep inside of you as much as you want or need to. I'd say you have maybe a year before I get your bother some condoms to wear. Don't worry about what they are. for now you two just enjoy what you're doing together, and we'll talk about this a little more later on.

She told us. Leaving us in the bathroom looking at each other leaving us feeling amazed, shocked, and extremely happy to know that we can still enjoy doing this together.

[starstruck-cupid]

The Sweater

Part 5 of Unnamed Charlie fic with a bit of spicy Kirby x fem!reader

(edit: name change. Formerly unnamed)

A/n: I have noticed a continuity error in my story. Scream 4 takes place in October. I thought it took place in September. I will be switching to autumn instead of spring from here on out. Also there is Kirby x reader x Charlie at the end of this. The next chapter will most likely be the last of this series. I might make it a little more Kirby x reader towards the end.

TW: mentions of murder, mentions of stalking, mentions of theft, sexual contact. I think that's it.

///////////////////////////////////////<3//////////////////////////////////////////

The morning after the kiss was crazy. Olivia was dead. Murdered. People were saying it was brutal. There were plenty of rumors and claims about the killing, but none were confirmed. I think Sidney's publisher is dead too

It's been three days. I was more scared than ever. I haven't gotten any more texts but it seems like things keep disappearing. I don't know when or why these things are being taken.

Little things that shouldn't be missed, but things I noticed. I'm an organization mess. Everything is all over the place, but I know what goes where. I'm missing 2 more pairs of underwear, and some lewd Polaroids that I thought were well hidden.

Charlie and I still haven't talked about the kiss. I'm not sure if we ever will. We kissed once after. We've definitely been closer physically. I'm okay with it. I'm content.

I can't believe we still have school tomorrow. People are dying. Three students are dead. We should at least get a few days to mourn.

Charlie and I were supposed to hang out today. He texted me telling me he'd be here later, but I decided to just go to bed.

I can't help but feel anxious. More than usual. Something bad is going to happen. Ghostface is clearly back. I think my break-ins and missing things might be connected.

I'm laying in bed, stoned. Heater on,with multiple blankets piled over me, and a movie playing in the background. The cool autumn air breezing through my open window. I opted to give up keeping my window closed. It's been apparent that it's not working. I had my favorite candle lit. This was nice. I needed this.

I was in my favorite sweater, the one Charlie got me. He stole it yesterday, as he does sometimes, and now it smells like him.

I can feel myself drifting off. My eyes and mind go black

I hear the squeak of my window being closed. In my tired mind, I don't fully process the implications of that. Figuring it was Charlie, I go back to sleep.

It couldn't have been more than a few minutes later when I was woken up to the feeling of fingers rubbing up and down my thighs. I freeze.

Soon I feel a full hand continuing the motion on the back of my thigh.

I feel someone climbing into the bed, up towards me. As they lay behind me, a scent fills my nose. Charlie.

I feel him kiss the back of my head and slip his hand up my sweater. He lays it on my bare stomach. His hand is cold compared to my stomach.

Moving back towards him, I bask in his warmth. His hand slips up to my clothed breast. My bra was unpadded and thin. I'm sure he could feel everything. He was gentle, though. Not attempting to do anything more than lay his hand there. It felt like he was trying to get a feel for my boundaries.

When it comes to Charlie, and what I'd let him do, there are no boundaries.

"Is this okay?" He asks, quietly, unsure if I'm asleep.

I tiredly mumble out an affirmation. We just lay there like that for awhile until we're both sleep.

<3

Today is the first day that Charlie is still in bed with me in the morning. The sun is shining through the curtains. For a while we just lay there together, talking and listening to the random vinyl that he put on. Everything seems perfect right now.

Charlie told me about his, Robbie's, and Gale's agreement. I told him about how My dad said my mom had always been a fan of Gale. He offered to get something signed.

Finally we get up for school. Getting back to our usual routine after that break of not talking is so nice. I finally don't have to get my coffee alone every morning.

<3

School was the same as everyday, surprising. We have "cinema club" today after school. I think the name is dumb but I'd never tell the boys that. Today we have Sidney and Gale visiting.

I can't lie. I wasn't listening at all. Until the stab-a-thon was mentioned. I had forgotten about that. I had to go. Going it's a requirement for being friends with Charlie. It seems that we're a bit more than friends now, so that's absolutely no way I can skip.

<3

Charlie makes me come early to help set up. I don't really mind. It means I can start drinking early, and I get the best seat.

After a bit of the, people start screaming and running. Then I see Gale on the ground and Dewey shooting a masked Ghostface. Running to Gale, I begin to put pressure on the wound.i stay there until ems shows up.

Once I finally get back to my car, Charlie is already there.

"Kirby invited us to her house for an after party" he said, getting in the passenger side.

"You direct and dj, and I'll drive"

After a few minutes on the road, I finally decide to do something I should have done a while ago.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah?" I see him turn to look at me from" the corner of my eye.

"I think Ghostface has been stalking me."

"Stop the car" his voice booming with demand.

I do. I pull over and put the car in park. I turn to him, the look on his face is hard to read.

"What makes you think that?"

I show him the texts, the video, and tell him the list of things that have gone missing from my room. Charlie insists that we should tell people when we get the house. I agree and get back on the road.

Once we're there, I feel calmer. I know these people. I feel safe with these people.

Jill and Kirby are sitting next to each other, Charlie is putting on Stab 7, despite mine and Jill's disagreement.

Charlie, Kirby, and I have a back and forth about what took place earlier.

I've always had positive feelings about Kirby, but I never realized she was this cool. The more I talk to her, the more I understand Charlie's crush. I'm sitting in the chair closest to her. As we continue the conversation, Kirby puts her hand on my upper thigh, pinky and ring finger slightly under my skirt.

Then Trevor walks in. I don't trust him. I don't think any of us do. Trevor mentions the unlocked door.

"I'm sorry. I was the last one in," I quickly shot out. Kirby gives me a reassuring smile.

Charlie gets up and Trevor sits in his seat

After a debate about how Trevor found out we were here. Jill goes to find her phone.

"So Charlie, Robbie. How does it feel to be accessories to a crime? I mean, really, Dewey's wife?" Trevor asks, arrogantly.

"My life is over" replies Robbie.

"So which one of you sent me a text from Jill's phone?" Trevor follows up.

(Sorry straight readers, I had to add some Kirby x reader)

After some discourse about the phone, Trevor leaves, leaving Kirby, Charlie, and I alone.

I had moved over to share the couch with Kirby and Charlie sat in my previous seat. Robbie leaves from the kitchen to the balcony.

Once he was gone, Kirby pulled me closer to her, inviting Charlie to sit on the other side of me. She turns to us, putting her hand on my thigh.

"So are you two together?" She asks. We look at each other unsure how to answer.

"So Charlie, you wouldn't mind if I did this? She asks, putting a hand on my cheek and pulling me to look at her. Not kissing close, but close enough to feel her breath on my lips. She proceeds to slid her hand up my thigh, pushing my skirt up slightly, until she was under it. Then she slid a finger under the waistband of my underwear and pulled, letting it snap against my skin. I unconsciously hiss as it hits me. Kirby pushed my chin to face my head towards Charlie. He looks flustered, a pink tint dusting his face. I can see a prominent bulge in his pants.

Trevor walks in, making us all pull apart in embarrassment.

After letting him know him upstairs, Trevor makes himself comfortable in the seat closest to us. Charlie hastily gets up and leaves.

After some discourse between Kirby and Trevor, he leaves to get Jill. Leaving me and Kirby alone. Kirby sends me an apologetic look while placing a hand back on my thigh and giving a reassuring squeeze. Then she kisses me. Lightly, but needy. When she pulls away she goes back to watching the movie like nothing ever happened.

[sunnypaganblog]

My nightly reflection—in honor of Lady Aphrodite.

I had a bit of a BPD episode today that was triggered by someone asking something a certain way, and me thinking they were annoyed even though I just told them to guess something. I kept thinking about how annoying I was, how annoyed they must be with me and how they'll possibly leave me for being so annoying—I knew they weren't annoyed, but my emotions really felt like it. It made me feel so depressed that I laid down while literally hugging my card deck. Lord Hermes was already present with me, and I think I felt him rubbing my head as I was laying down. I did a few BPD tarot spreads to maybe calm me down a bit. I think they were encouraging me to open up to my friend, but I really didn't like the thought, and didn't want to. I asked Hermes to help me or comfort me since I felt too scared to open up to my friend. A little bit after that, I got a tiktok on my feed that was a frequency that stops overthinking—and my thoughts went to nothing after that. I think it actually snapped me out of my episode because I felt calm after that. I took it as something Hermes sent to help, so I thanked him. I ended up feeling a little paranoid a few hours though and had to listen to music to convince myself there wasn't someone in my house and that there wasn't someone waiting outside my house—and that I needed to calm down because I'm under Divine protection anyway and I'd be fine. I felt a massive relief when my mom came home. Ndndnd

I'm so easily scared and sad and I dunno. I'm not really sure what to do. I know I should open up, but I feel terrible about it. I'm so scared of it and I don't know why. I don't wanna hurt my friends. I don't wanna make them leave. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared.

Ughhhhhhhdhddhdhdbm

I might talk to my deities about this later. I dunno.

[heartach3d]

stutter

bill denbrough x reader

not requested but I'm trying this out

887 words a small one since I wanted to write something after rewatching it

I'd always known bill had a stutter ever since we were little kids he had one bug I really didn't mind it. it's not like he can really do anything about it so I don't know why people make fun of him all the time.

he asked me to come over and help him say sentences and shit?.. I don't know but as his girlfriend I guess it's my duty.

I really didn't mind since I would be with him anyway. we spend like every living second together, and we always had but the only difference now is the relationship.

"bill!!" no response. I heard his mom yell something about him being in his room from the kitchen though so I just decided to go up.

as I walk to his room I can hear his faint voice from inside it trying to pronounce sentences without stuttering.

wasn't going so great.

"he t-thrusts his fist againsts the p-posts- dammit!" I opened the door and smiled at him as I came into view by the doorway.

"I was calling you! your lucky your mom said something or I would've left" I know I wouldn't have but I just said it to get my point across.

I went over to sit on his bed as well closing the door behind me with my foot, I plopped down next to him.

"sorry y/n I'm d-doing something." I look down at the little flash card he has in his lap and read it to myself in my mind before reading it out loud.

“He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts?" I mumble out confused and then remembered why I'm here in the first place.

"does this really help?" I ask taking the card out his lap and holding it up. "that sounded mean but I'm just wondering" flipping over the card to see nothing on the back before flipping it back over and handing it to bill.

"I d-dont really know I try it b-because my mom told me a-about it." he says before crumbling up the paper and aiming it towards the trash.

"hey no bill I wasn't trying to make fun of you or anything if you want to practice it then we can practice it." I sprung up from the bed and walked over to grab the piece of paper once again.

"it's stupid I w-wish I never had this s-stutter" I could tell it was dissapointing for him as I got up and saw him leaned back, laying on his bed now.

I walked over a laid beside him slightly pushing him so I could get space as he got the memo quickly and moved over himself.

even though he wasn't turned to me I turned towards him and started talking again "I think your stutter is cute. it doesn't bother me or anyone else so it shouldn't matter but I know you can't help the way you feel."

he turned over and gave a light smile with a slight tint forming on his cheeks "I'm f-fine with it m-most of the time. just when bowers and his g-gang say stuff."

"yeah I can get that." I added lastly before it went silent for a couple seconds as we just stared at eachother.

"bill bill!" we hear a little voice from outside the door come in and I realize it's georgie coming In all excited.

he saw us on the bed and bill groaned before sitting up "what's w-wrong georgie?" he asked in a slightly annoyed tone.

"hiya georgie." sending a little wave and smile I greet him with a more happy tone than his brother has.

"oh. sorry bill" he said sheepishly standing there with one leg behind his other and his head slightly pointed down.

"and hi y/n!" this time with a more excited tone much like before.

"I a-always tell you to k-knock!"

"be nice bill" I say flipping over so I'm sitting next to him on the bed and slapping his shoulder lightly at his tone.

"I just wanted to see if you could play" he sounded like he had a more saddening tone to his voice but I smiled at his words.

"it's alright georgie can I play?" I ask happily trying to get him to cheer up maybe if he hears my cheerful tone.

"your g-gonna ditch me y/n?" I hear bill say but I pay no mind to it as I see georgie smile in excitement.

"yes yes! of course you can!" "let's go then yeah?" I reply back and I see him nod happily.

I turn back to bill and kiss his cheek before grabbing georgies hand. "let's go!"

we run off and I hear another groan behind me and I look back to see bill getting up and trying to catch up to us.

"don't be such a debbie downer!"

hello everyone JUST pretend that georgie is alive and well cuz I thought he was the cutest little brother

[lukewarmsoapytoast]

UGH the URGE to just spam this acc with angst writing is INSANE. Sadly, I haven’t written a full-length read in a while, I’ve had college classes in the mornings and I get busy in the afternoons. So, my point is, HERE’S SOME QUOTES I CAME UP WITH OR WANT TO USE‼️‼️

Please only reuse w/ credit!

Most of these taken from irl because it was funny 😭

LET ME KNOW YOUR OPINIONS AND WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT QUOTES AND SUCH IN!!!

Quotes

•

"Of course you do, and you’re going to regret those bad decisions in the morning when you’re sober."

“What morning?”

•

“You ignore my requests like they’re food allergies at a foreign restaurant and you wonder why I wanna hang out with girls more.”

•

“I wish I could love you, too.”

•

“It’s because I’m in love with you.”

“Because you wha—oh my god, it all makes sense now.”

•

"Alright, alright, I’ll tell you. But you can't laugh, okay? Promise me you’ll listen without judgment."

“I mean unless you say that you managed to kill a god, I won’t laugh.”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.”

•

“My love…You— You know there isn’t any recovering from this, the medics won’t arrive in time, I-I’ll die. I deserve to be made fun of for being that stupid, but I don’t regret my choice…saving you was my goal overall in life, my purpose, and I succeeded..I can die happy, but you need to let me go, first.”

•

“And how am I supposed to believe you, huh? You wanna bring that fucking whore in to confirm that you still love me? That you regret fucking her over and over, and over, repeatedly, on our own damn bed??”

“[First Name], I—”

“It’s [Last Name] now, that’s what you’ll be referring to me as. No more pet names, no more first name. Goodbye, find somebody else to manipulate.”

•

“Dude, you literally shot me.”

“I was beat as a child, do you hate me, do you want me dead, I know you do, I understand—”

•

“I have a penis and it isn’t mine. ☺️”

“Uhh, what?”

“You heard me.”

“Where r u rn??”

“I’m w ur mom”

“Bruh”

“The party you told me not to go to.”

“Omw.”

•

“If you could have any superpower, what would it be?”

“😈”

“Uh oh? Please tell me you haven’t written an essay about this already and I happened to send that around the time you finished it.”

“I think I'd have the ability to persuade people. It's nothing special but imagine how much success you could end up having and also how many people you could befriend. I like having friends. ALSO you can stop any wars with just a "Stop pretty pls 🥺👉👈" like it's the best superpower. You could save the world with it basically, screw pollution”

“Dear god, keep going. I’m interested.”

“People who wanna fly are confusing, like, go skydiving or something like that, pull a hiccup from HTTYD. And why obtain invisibility when you can just tell people you aren’t there?”

“Wait, you’ve got a point.”

“Somebody asking why we’re stalking them? Hit them with the ‘NUH UH! I’M NOT EVEN HERE, BABY! I’M A HALLUCINATION!’. That’ll win.”

“Oh my god you’re onto something.”

“Someone trying to end the world? Nope. ‘Pretty pls be a good person 🥺’ them.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Since you asked.”

“YOU THOUGHT THAT UP THAT QUICKLY???”

•

"What if he thinks I'm being dense?"

"Then he'll stop liking you. Problem solved."

Ideas

•

When they're constantly assuring as they lay dying, "I'm fine, I'll be okay, don't worry about me, l'll live." But their final words, whispered, barely audible,

"I don't want to die."

•

“I’ll be there for you”, “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, over and over again. “don’t hurt yourself”, “We need a break”, “I need you”, All of this, but you never mean it. Never. Not when I need you, your mistakes are a record on loop, your love is as present as my father. You don’t care if I hurt myself, especially because you hurt me. Can this break last forever? You need me to do as you say, you don’t need me there.

•

If HS!Gojo had a crush he’d confess like this:

(Texting)

“Let’s go on a date, do you like sex? Lol. <3”

•

Chr picks up a completely dry and closed jar of salsa.

“Salsaaaa…”

Something drips on their toe.

“Is…Is it wet?”

Frantically checking the jar for water droplets or cracks. Nothing.

“Excuse me???”

Confused.

“WHY???”

Concerned.

•

Father telling small adopted demon child to stay behind while they search for a plushie.

"Perhaps you should stay here, honey. This is no place for a child anyways. I'm sure we don't want you getting kidnapped by some kind of murderer, do we?"

"👹" Foaming at the mouth.

"Dear god, what have I done?"

•

Two characters arguing in a group chat over who’s hotter and it turns into an argument over who would be a better boyfriend to you. This is how you make your grand entrance.

“What did I just stumble upon at this very unfortunate hour. I wish to die.”

[kleoyeager78]

Chapter 19.5

TW: ADDICTION,SA,ABUSE

“What exactly do you want to know” I saw silently tapping my foot on the floor. I didn’t really wanna give her my life story but knowing Annie I’d have to.

“Everything. Lay it all out on the table. No more secrets” she looked at my foot but didn’t say anything.

“Okay. So my moms an addict-“

“I know.” She interrupted.

“I know you know the whole town knows but I’m starting from the beginning so I don’t miss something” I laugh at her sudden interruption before returning to the face I had before that reflected only sadness.

“So my moms an addict and my dads a teacher. My mom grew up shitty so she allowed me to grow up the same way. In my eyes I’ve never even had a mother. When I was little I’d have to pour water on her head to make sure she was still alive, every night I’d have to see my mother take drugs and when she got really out of it she’d offer me some. Sometimes I even had to see my dad doing them. It was like a game to them, something fun to do. To get high and forget I was even there” my hands we’re pulling the ends of my hair as unwanted memories began to unlock themselves and wander in my mind.

“When my mom would be sober for just a few hours she’d go crazy. She used to beat me because she claimed I stole from her, it was either money or drugs. I was 7 years old when my mom called me every slut, whore and useless bitch she could think of, telling me I would be nothing. I'd probably stand on the corner for money and let men use me. She used to laugh at that and she was sober when she said this” tears began to slip but I had to get this out.

“I-I’ve never told anyone this but when my dad wasn’t home I remember having to watch my mother fuck different men just for drugs. I’d be right there but she didn’t care. No one did. When I started showing signs of being hyper sexual at a young age because of it my dad would tell me it was only okay to act that way in private. He never took into account I was so little I shouldn’t have been acting that way at all, I should’ve never known what that even was.” Now that I’m older I know why he out of all people didn’t care

“I-I’m sorry I’m off track” I said my voice cracking so bad.

Annie scooted closer, “you’re fine let everything out. Lay it all on the table” she got off the bed and brought the box of tissues from off her desk.

I take one and wipe my tears. “So much is coming up, so many things I forgot about” I try to explain myself,

“That happens” she tries to reassure me,

“Okay, u-um” I say trying to figure out where I left off, “when I was 12 my parents divorced and my mom was sent to a mental hospital for rehabilitation. It never helped her but it was either send her there or meet her at the grave. My dad never let me visit her, only ever got to call her. He said he didn’t want me to see her like that. The first month my parents got divorced was the worst, my dad got so mean, he had mood swings really bad and they were all directed at me, sometimes I was his princess and sometimes I was a whore. And my mom never really answered the phone; she didn’t want to talk to me. She told me I reminded her of everything bad and how she failed and never really answered the phone after that.” I sobbed and I couldn't continue because I knew what was coming up.

“Let it out,” Annie reassured.

“A few days before my 13th birthday I asked him to give me 30 dollars for a bouncy house. I told him I’d work for it and everything and I had already saved money that my moms “friends” used to give me when they came over.” I quickly skipped over this topic because as memories come back so does the trauma and severity of the situations and I can’t bring myself to deal with any of that and I think Annie knew that.

“He ended up leaving and coming back at a late hour so I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn’t get into trouble because I never knew his mood. He ended up coming into my room and-” i sigh. “ he put his hand in my underwear. I-I was so startled I tried to get up but he just put his hand on my mouth and made me lay on my side so he could-“

“You don’t have to tell me about it in detail” Annie said looking into your eyes all she saw was pain, she knew it was too much for you to handle remembering such a topic.

“I-I didn’t know it was bad b-but the way he talked to me made me want him to stop. He kept calling me names telling me that I was a slut, making me feel worthless. When he was done I called hitch because I knew she’d answer and she did. Hitch was raised better than me and that was evident in the way she knew all her wrongs and rights. I was so stupid, no one ever taught me about sexual assault and I didn’t know what it was until that day-“

“And it’s crazy really, at that age I could tell you every drug my mother used, I could even tell the difference between the ones that went up her nose and the ones that went in her arm” I chuckled before my face went numb again

“Yet I couldn’t tell you the areas that someone wasn’t supposed to touch me, it scares me you know. Because I would’ve lived thinking it was a normal family thing if she hadn’t told me- what would that mean for Angie- would I have let him do that to her” I sat in my thoughts not knowing what to think. Everything hurt, at this very moment as reality sunk in.

“But you know now and you wouldn’t hesitate to do something if it ever did” Annie was bad at affection but she truly tried, “don’t beat yourself up over things that happened when you were a kid.”

my body was shaking so I had to calm down before talking. “Hitch told me to give him back his money and to come stay with her so that’s what I did. I left his money on the coffee table, packed my bag, with clothes and my own money and lived with Hitch for three days. We never told her mom, Hitch told me to because she would believe me but I couldn’t bring myself to open up to anybody. I only ended up telling three people, Hitch, my grandma and my mom and only one person cared, I told my grandma and she told me not to tell anyone else because he could’ve gotten into a lot of trouble and I told my mom a few months after she came back from rehab and she overdosed the next day and went back. So I figured no one would care and just left it alone. It caused me so much damage mentally I always feel disgusted with myself. For my birthday my dad ended up getting me an iPad, I got social media and ended up getting groomed a lot by different men because I felt like it’s what I deserved. I was extremely hyper sexual before drugs. And as ashamed as I am I still get these thoughts. It’s not really controllable” I sighed “do you mind if I move on?”

“Not at all” she handed me a tissue

“I met my stepmom a few months after and although she was introduced as a girlfriend, she and her two kids had already moved in. She was a bum. They would come back home drunk every night and I had to take care of her kids. It was obvious she taught violet nothing, she was the same age as me and couldn’t even make cereal. And when she was around she’d always just disgust me, she’d always do disgusting things to get a few laughs out of men and was just an attention seeker overall, I try not to judge her past too much though. She was 26 back then and I guess she’s kinda better- well trying to raise her kids at least. Angie actually thinks she’s really kind now, that says a lot.”

“I'm pretty sure you’re waiting for me to talk about what happened” I sigh. “Do you remember when I asked you to drop Angie off the other day for me and we talked?”

“And you stayed with me the whole week?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t actually because I got into a fight with my dad and stepmom. Well it was but in a different way.”

“What kinda way” Annie said with tension in her voice making me fear opening up to her. As soon as she noticed she tried to talk softer or just more like her usual self, “No secrets, remember?”

“R-right. So my dad tried to touch-“

“LAST MONTH” she interrupted me completely shocked, “I’m sorry continue”

“Well yeah, he startled me while I was doing the dishes and he was drunk and started saying shit, like that I was sleeping with so many guys yet he’d always be my first. But then Angie noticed so he stopped and left the house but I couldn’t stay there so I called you.”

“Is that what Abigail was talking about?”

“No she doesn’t know about that no one should” I looked down at my hands.

“So there’s more.” Annie scoffed, she was livid and it scared me. I felt a bit of anger directed towards me.

“A few days ago he tried to pull down my pants and spank me” tears hit my hands as I played with them. “That’s all I promise”

“Let’s go get your stuff” Annie quickly jumped on her feet.

“What?”

“You heard me. You’re not staying there. Now we can either go now or wait til he gets home so I can kill him. You pick y/n”

“But I have An-“

“Angie’s got someone looking out for her y/n you don’t! And you’re letting yourself stay in an environment that’s only hurting you! Not Angie, Not violet, YOU.” She yelled which startled me. She noticed but didn’t stop “How long are you gonna stay there? Until Angie decides she wants to leave? Are you gonna endure his touch for that long while everyone else in that house lives happy normal lives?” Annie started laughing when she realized that I wasn’t talking or going to,

“Give me a fucking break y/n you can’t be serious, you got violet laughing at you telling everyone just how much of daddies touch you’re getting at home, and it’s not that far away until her little friends tell the whole school and they make their own version of the situation hell it’s not like they’d be far from the truth. Angie’s bragging in your fucking face about how perfect your dad is, how thankful she is for having him and then there’s you, his princess-“

“Stop it Annie” my eyes were shaking uncontrollably as tears consumed my vision.

“What y/n” she wiped my tears and looked me dead in my face, “you don’t like being his princess? The thing he thinks about every night,” she let out a cruel chuckle, “well if you stay long enough you might get to be his queen” That was it her words broke me. It was like I was a kid again talking to my mother and my little heart couldn’t understand why she was being so cruel, she grabbed her keys.

“Fine stay here, I’ll just go get your shit for you”

I tried to compose myself but couldn’t I sat on that bed and cried like a damn child until Annie eventually did come back with all my shit.

I hadn’t realized just how late it had gotten until Reiner texted me asking me when I’d be there, that’s when I looked at the clock and it said 8:00pm

I was 30 minutes late and in no shape to go so I did what anyone would and lied about being sick, I told Annie not to worry about going and seeing my state she didn’t push me, it’s not like she wanted me to go on a date with Reiner out of all people anyways.

She didn’t like me looking my garbage so she forced me to bathe, “If you don’t go shower right now I’ll push you in the tub and bathe you myself”

“Is that a threat” I smiled and she chased me to the bathroom where I looked the door and took my shower.

We ended the night watching some cheap movie on tubi that had a horrible plot with actors just as bad, but that didn’t stop me and Annie from eating it up while her dad sat in his recliner chair looking confused as ever

[092040]

The Great Loves - Part 1

In the early age of the internet and social media I was still trying to find myself and understand the person I was and will be. Through a stroke of luck I met T when I was seventeen, bonding over photography, editing photos, and geeking out about early website developments.

We each had our own personal page with our unique personalities. What started with messages became more frequent text messaging that led to late night phone calls. I hadn't known how much T liked me then, but he told me about a dream he had, that I was dating someone else and he woke up crying. It was naive and young love, but pure to say the least.

How long did we go messaging each other throughout the many days and how many nights did we stay asleep on the phone with free minutes after 9pm? I can't remember but it was months before T and I finally met.

Imagine meeting in public at a huge festival with thousands of people and two boys who had fallen in love over messages and phone calls finally meeting, where could we go to finally be who we were as we spoke on those nights laying hundreds of miles apart. We found our way to the edges of the parking lot, hidden under pine trees, chatting, giggling, happy.

For the first time in my life, I was with someone who was like me, someone I had met by some odd chance. T smelled of the acne medicine he slathered on his face, but it was fine, we were teenagers, puberty was not kind to everyone. We sat there and leaned in for a kiss, a sloppy teenage kiss, butterflies shooting through my stomach, releasing through my mouth.

I'd never feel like this ever again.

Through that year, T and I followed our routine. We had known each other for at least 2 years, and dating for almost a year. One late night, he called me with a strange tone in his voice. He passed the phone to his mom, who insisted on speaking with my parents. As obedient Asian children who listened to elders, I handed off my cell phone to my parents in fear.

This wasn't the coming out story I ever wanted. Sure, I'd struggled with hiding like anyone else, cried myself to sleep thinking about the horror of having to admit to my parents about something I was still coming to terms with.

That was the end of between T and I. He confided in his aunt who he thought he could trust, who in turn told his mom, who called me and asked to speak to my parents. Silly me, I could have hung up.

Over the next year, T went to hurt me, to become someone I did not know showing me a side of him I had not seen before—the extent a filial son would go to make their parents happy and to seek approval. I was upset, I was stubborn, I knew it was all a lie.

I held on for dear life because I had no one else. Life at that time was so lonely, isolated and far from anyone else who could understand me, in the middle of America. I forced myself on him, refused to let go, went through my own hell as he dated girls and kissed them, had them curse at me for trying to steal him away, he wasn't theirs to start with.

--

"You are my soulmate," T told me once.

Those words burned. Why the hell tell me that only to leave me? I hated those words. If I was truly your soulmate, why did you do everything in your power to push me away, to let me burn in the aftermath alone?

It hurt. He hurt me deep down to my soul.

--

Almost one year of clinging on, T finally agreed to meet me as I forced my way his hometown.

That was the end of it. Overtime, I saw T move on as if I didn't mean a thing. He told me he would never date another guy and yet, when I saw that he was with another guy, the betrayal I felt through my bones destroyed me. It would have lasting effects and create toxic behaviors that would take me years to uncover and understand.

Many years through failed relationships and desperation, I made peace as I left the midwest. Onto New York City I went. A homesick suburban boy living in a bustling city in America, I felt so out of place, so out of my comfort zone. I learned and I grew into someone I could start to love, started to understand my flaws and the mistakes I made, and learned to accept them as part of my growth.

--

T reached out, years later.

He was visiting NYC with a friend. We had made small talk. My feelings were no longer there, dried up and blown away after the flames engulfed me whole, to grow anew. I would help show him and his friend around.

We ate, we laughed, we sat and we enjoyed sunsets at my favorite park: Sunset Park.

At the end of the day, I went back to their AirBnb in Jersey to make sure they were back safe. We would continue to hang out the next day too.

That night, T and I shared the pullout couch, sleeping side by side.

--

He forced himself onto me. For what reason I did not know.

"Even if you hate me," he said.

How selfish, I thought. How selfish of him to make me burn all alone and to grow myself back again, only to try and break me again?

"You can't come and go as you please," I told him, "it's not fair."

I held my ground, arms and grip stronger than what people may have taken me for. I slept with my back against him, hands folded between my legs. If he didn't fight for me then he didn't deserve me now.

--

The next day came and I pretended nothing had happened.

He had no power over me, he presence could no longer soften my heart. The door was closed, locked, and burned away. The home that was there no longer stood.

I loved T when I did, my first great love, the only person that physical butterflies in my stomach manifested and I felt them flowing through my breath, but that was all he would be.

Betrayal was the sword that cut our red strings, so called soulmates slashed into two.

[eurigmorgan]

12/3/2023 The Devil's Toys (WIP) | WritersCafe.org | The Online Writing Community

The Devil's Toys (WIP)

A Story by Eurig I. Morgan

The Jersey Devil has made a new appearance in the Pine Barrens. People are disappearing and the Devil is choosing his victims not at random.

It's first victim was my sister weirdly enough. We never heard her scream or anything. With her nose in her book she never heard it coming - a good thing probably. When she was reading you could stand right behind her and yell and she would never hear you. Here's the ironic thing. When the search party found what was left of her, there was nothing really but her hands still attached to her book.

Of course nobody saw who or what did it, but we all had a pretty good idea. People who aren't from around here will say oh, come on that things not real, but they would be mistaken. It's real okay. My dad's seen it with his own eyes. No picture unfortunately because it was nighttime. Real dark like it gets around here. Dad says he could smell it before he saw it. The smell, he says, was atrocious. Worse than grandma's squirrel pie. He got slapped for that one. It was pretty funny.

What I'm talking about is the Jersey Devil. Before you snort and say oh come on, just think. Something ate my sister, bones and all. It surely wasn't a raccoon. And the footprints definitely looked like hooves. Too bad about my sister. Gonna miss her, seriously. The Devil has been seen around here for like hundreds of years. All you have to do is look around here to believe he's real. The Pine Barrens are the strangest place in the world.

I'd call myself a Piney except I wasn't born here. None of my family was. We moved here when we kids were little. Kind of vague as to why. I think my dad was into something not kosher and he needed a place that was a little safer. It's been kind of lonely here. The Pineys have never really accepted us. I mean I have friends and all but always at arm's length kind of. Mom's been kind of sad mostly and losing my sister has not helped at all.

The funeral was a little strange, as you can imagine. I mean the casket was kind of small. People came and they were real nice and sympathetic and a lot of them had stories about this one's cousin and that one's granny being eaten. So now we were in the club so to speak. It will be good for mom to have friends at last. Although last night after I went to bed I heard mom tell dad that if they didn't get out of this God forsaken hell hole real soon she was going to go insane for sure. Dad didn't say much. But then he never does.

Everyone at school knew of course and they were all over me with questions. Did I see it? What did my sister look like after the Devil was done with her. All that stuff until the teacher told them all to lay off and leave me alone. And made them all say sorry. Which was a little awkward. In class the teachers were nice too and none of them was even mad that I hadn't done my homework. Although I was expected to make it up at some point.

[theotherstephencobert]

Personal Inventory - What the hell happened over the last 7 years?

I have been contemplating it ever since I first became aware it was going on, and I am going to share a few insights into what I think happened. I am not sure even now that I completely understand why it happened, but maybe my putting it down into my Tumblr blog will allow me to see it in perspective.

What I'm talking about is this: I started a health, fitness and weight loss journey back in the summer of 2013. No formal diet, just get in some good exercise and eat healthy foods, lay off the fast food and carbonated drinks, make it a lifestyle change instead of a diet or a quick fix. For four years it worked: I went from a weight of 290 (almost certainly more than that before I started weighing myself weekly) to weight in the neighborhood of 215-225 lbs. I got fit enough to take bicycle trips to small towns 20-25 miles distant. In the scheme of things I added running to my journey and completed a number of sanctioned 10K's. 2017 started out as a banner year for my continued progress. And the, midway through the year, it turned downhill. My weight went up into the 220's then the 230's and then the 240's in the space of just four months. I still rode my bike and ran regularly, but all the progress I'd made with my weight loss just kept reversing itself. I found myself giving the whine of so many people in weight loss programs, "But I'm doing the same thing I've been doing for months [in my case,years], how come all of a sudden it's not working anymore???"

I had been through so much in those four years. I was enrolled in my local YMCA in 2014, and when I reported that I'd lost 45 lbs in the course of the year they did a blurb about me for their online newsletter, "Another Y Success Story". In the summer of 2015 I rode my bike to the small town of Clearwater, KS, some 17 miles from Wichita (a feat that my granddaughter Savannah was quite proud to tell her friends about). Just before Christmas of 2015 a car ran into my left leg in the Walmart parking lot; I had to take time off to heal but then got right back into the journey. Three months later a lowlife jerk ran over my left leg while getting away after robbing me of my change purse (with all of $6 in it). Again, some time to heal and then I was back in the swing of things. I rode my bikes hard and long, and rode them until they fell apart or were trashed. My response was to go buy another bike and get right back onto the road.

So what could have happened in mid 2017 that would make me lose all that progress and then eventaully put the whole journey on hiatus?

I am pretty sure this is at least part of it.

On June 2, 2017, near the end of a bike ride, my mother called me to tell me my father had died. This was the day before I had planned to run the 10K River Run, an official part of the Wichita River Festival, and (ironically) the day before what would have been Mom and Dad's 65th wedding anniversary. Dad had been in failing health, so the fact that he would die soon should not have been a surprise, but the news was still a shock to me. I told the desk clerk on duty at the hotel I manage; she was pretty good friends with my son Travis and called to tell him, and he suggested to his son Jordon that maybe Grandpa needed someone to be with tonight. So that evening Jordon joined me at the hotel and we were together that night and in the morning.

I have detailed the 2017 River Run on this blog and also on my Facebook page, and I will come clean about something here that I did not say on either site: I was wracked with guilt over the whole thing. I wrote about how Dad was very much a family man (which he was) and how I was honoring his memory by taking part in the River Run and River Festival with my grandson. The truth was, I was trying to cover up my feelings of, "My Dad is dead and my Mom just lost her husband of 65 years and I'm galavanting through downtown Wichita with my grandson playing Soccer Ball Billiards and chowing down on overpriced pizza and lemonade." I had been a notorious no-show at family get-togethers and holidays; part of that was I was so busy at the hotel that I didn't take time off for anything, but another part was Wichita is pretty near 1000 miles away from Knoxville by the preferred roads of travel and I was too broke (or too cheap) to afford the air fare or even the bus fare.

The next weekend I went to Knoxville to join my brother David and his two adult sons to visit Mom; it was the first time any of them had seen me in person since my sister Carol's wedding in 1993, and in fact David's sons were 2 and 4 years old then. A running gag was that every hour or so my phone would ring, I would look at the caller ID and roll my eyes and everyone else would laugh. The people at the hotel were blowing up my phne because it was the first time in over a decade I wasn't there to put out the fires and answer questions: "Steve, where do we keep the light bulbs for those new lamps James bought?" "Steve, this guy has a reservation for two nights but he only wants to stay one night. What do I do?" (The laughs were a lot quieter when I got a call from an irate guest at 1:30 in the morning.)

I discussed my feelings of guilt with my sister Carol later on. She confessed that, the weekend I got together with Mom she was scheduled to take her recent high school graduate daughter Rachel to Colorado to apply at the Air Force Academy (not the sort of thing you can bail on or reschedule) and she was wracked with guilt that she didn't join us to visit Mom in her time of mourning.

Anyway… In 2006 I responded to my 27-year-old daughter's death by throwing myself into my work. I was salaried then and so I worked ridiculous long hours, at least once working over 1/2 the total hours in the two-week work cycle. I was running on fumes and fighting off exhaustion. So in 2017, in response to my father's death, I made the (I see now) stupid decision to just go on with my life like nothing had happened… "life goes on" and all that.

I made the mistake of not dealing with my father's death. The problem was, I had no idea how the hell to deal with his death. What was I to do? Sit down and talk with a friend or counselor about my feelings, maybe regularly over time? Go to a rock quarry with a sledgehammer and smash a lot of rocks? I suspect (it didin't seem this way at the time but I am very good at deceiving myself) that I self-medicated with food a lot more than I realized. Remember that "whine" I mentioned at the end of the second paragraph of this post? Truth was I was slipping back into my old habits of eating at fast food places and hydrating with fizz.

My father's death was just the start: Two years later my mother died, almost two years to the day of Dad's passing. I got the call from Carol the morning of July 1 as I was preparing to run the 2019 River Run 10K.) Of course 2020 was the year that damn COVID-19 shut down the world. Then in October of 2021 my ex-wife Teresa (with whom I'd been on good terms since our divorce) died of COVID. And then in February of 2022 my son Travis joined his sister and mother in death. I'd like to say he died of liver failure, but the plain truth is he died of too much whiskey. (As his mom's next of kin he had to tell the hospital not to resuscitate Teresa, and even though that was what his mother had told him her wishes were, he was despondent with guilt over it and medicated with alcohol.)

I was still exercising with the bicycle, but in the time after Mom's passing my weight climbed into the 250's and then into the 260's to 270's where they stayed for a couple of years. Then in mid 2022 my weight went over 280, was consistently there until the start of September when I for some reasom lost interest in recording my weight anymore.

It's been a year and a half since then. My bicycle had two flat tires and a rusted out drive train. My finances (or maybe I should say my priorities) wouldm't allow me to get another bike until just recently. My weight is now in the mid 260's… maybe I did something right between the Fall of 2022 and now.

But I still have to ask: Was the death of my father, and the deaths of other family members, the real reason my health and fitness journey was sidetracked? And if it was, have I REALLY dealt with it? Or like a chiming electric clock that no one replaces the batteries to, has the issue just grown fainter and fainter with time 'til it's at the point I just don't notice it now?

To anyone who took the time to read all of this: I welcome any insights or advice into what might really be going on here and how I might effectively deal with it.

[lnc2]

i know this won't sound like a revelation and i mean maybe it's not because of course i've known i've been living it but like

pet death is so fucking painful and real and constant

like losing rory was like losing a part of myself and even when i was at my worst (hospitalized) i still felt guilty for being so distraught and even though it's been nearly six years this december i'm still so easily triggered and can be set off if i'm not expecting certain reminders or anniversaries and like

yeah a bunch of other things happened around that time and the way it happened really cemented the Trauma and deeply embedded it into my body but i don't cry for my pets from childhood the way i do for rory

and i think about losing toby and i just... can't handle it?

and i've finally accepted or believe even though i've always Known it's because they're with me always. like your pets, especially the ones that are v present and interact w you in a v real way and are so smart and have their own personalities, they're yours, they're your kid, they're your best friend

i don't spend time with anyone the way i spend time w my dogs. i told/tell them everything, i schedule my days around them.

good morning toby, how's my boy, are you hungry, did you sleep well? i have a doctor's appt today, i'm anxious about this, can i have a hug? do you want to go to the park? let's watch a movie, i have to go out of town but i love you, are you feeling okay? do i need to take you to the vet? am i just being crazy? is this my trauma or my instincts telling me you're sick?

every year with him is one more year without her and one more year closer to being without him and just

i grieved rory the week she died before the accident even happened just sobbing like i'd lost her even though i had no reason to and didn't even know why i was crying and then i lost her bc no one believed me when i said she was sick and i didn't advocate or fight hard enough for her until it was too late.

so now toby slips when trying to jump on the sofa or sighs too much or his nose is runny or whatever and i'm on the verge of a panic attack and calling my mom to make sure i'm not being crazy before i schedule an emergency vet appt and just how do i know what's my trauma and what's my instincts? i don't know when to trust myself anymore all while knowing i can only trust myself.

i'm neurotic about his health, his environment, who he's with. if i can't have him in a place i can 100% control and guarantee is safe then i want him with people i know will take his safety as seriously as i do because they know if something happens to him i will lose it, catastrophically, wholly, entirely.

there are ways rory is still with me that are good and then there are ways that are very much... not.

idk if it's just because it was her and the how and when of it all but the end result was just complete and total devastation of my entire world. and i know it will be the same with him so even though he's happy and (hopefully please god hopefully) healthy i spend most of my time worrying that i'm not doing enough even though all he wants to do is to lay at my feet and play tug of war.

maybe it's bc i live alone, but idts i was crazy about her even when we lived w roommates, and i know i'd be the same with toby and i don't even know if i could trust someone to live with us anyways because would they see all the potential disasters as naturally as i do and make sure nothing happens? would they care like i do?

idk. rory's birthday was this past week and i was so exhausted from wedding stuff i don't think i was feeling any of it consciously but i'm feeling it tonight bc anniversaries are really hard even the happy ones, even so many years later.

everything with rory was a fight and a challenge (so so worth it, i've never connected w anyone spiritually like i did with that damn dog) and toby for all his size and sometimes annoyingness and for all that i resisted loving him the first year i had him is mostly so easy even when you think he shouldn't be. idk what it says about either of them but i think the universe sent him to me because they knew i needed a hardy dog, one that was sturdy even though he is a giant baby, and one that would take my anxiety and just let it roll off of him because everything after that left me so so fragile.

i'm sad she would have been eight. i'm said she never saw three. toby is five and will be six. numbers like these play through my head always. i've had him longer than i had her and yet and yet and yet

i keep telling myself i shouldn't still be crying this many years gone but it feels so new and so now whenever i think of her so i try not to think of her (my therapist says it's PTSD) but then i only remember the bad and not the many, many good.

it's okay i'm still sad, or something stronger than that. i love her and that's good and it's okay to cry. toby is taking care of me and i'm taking care of him and hopefully in many many many years they'll take care of each other.

i just needed to get this out, somewhere, i know it's disjointed and doesn't have a point but so are my feelings and i just wanted to acknowledge them even if it was only to myself

[sheisaloneandlonley]

...

"Man, I wish I hadn't killed myself. Those people down there really loved me."

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I want to die

I want to die

I want to die

I want to die

I think about it a lot, and I know I am not unique in it. It's a rising sentiment. There are thousands of us, even still knowing that understanding that fact, this feeling is completely isolating. There's no way someone could be this sad they pray to not wake up in the morning, consistently. I'm not even the only one in this family who thinks it. How the hell do I not have company? How am I so alone.

.....

I think I have sundowners, I only get like this right before Im trying to go to sleep.

My mom doesn't like it when I talk. But my dad does, but he doesn't really like me, well neither of them really do...but he listens and thinks it's interesting what I have to add...but my mom gets mad

.....

"It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, mom"

This is why fake it to you make it isn't working this is why faking it is making it worse this is when you need to realize that grass on he other side is astroterf and the sun has heated it to burning, it is not an appropriate place for a picknic. There is no keeping up with the Joneses here...this illness is chronic and I can't continue to give energy to a future that is unatanibly green as the fact plastic on the other side.

....

My mom says I'm good at making something out of nothing. So I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing and Drs get away with assault and murder and my boss gets away with sexual harassment and my God father gets away with calling me a joke and I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing and when it's to much and the cracks in the damn break and all the abuse I have shouldered silent come out of me in a torental fit a barrier that can no longer hold back the hurt mom has the audacity to be shocked at all that I've had to endure and she has the nerve to make me guilty of keeping my silence so I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing how much is truly her fault and how much is mine? Mom says you make something out of nothing and then asks me for stories....and how much should I be able to lay at her feet and how much can I take accountability for? Blame. How much is hers and how much is mine.

....

It occurred to me that someone must wonder why I am so obsessed with my mom but she made herself all I had once, she made herself paramount in my life. At one point my mother was the only kind touch in my world and I wonder if she felt power in denying me that. I wonder if she isolated me on purpose or accidentally and I wonder which is worse, and I convince myself it doesn't matter because the end result is the same. The cornerstone of my life is my mother's approval and it is exhausting digging down to replace it.

...

As low as she makes me, she makes me as high. She is still a safety net. She still will catch me, reassure me that no matter how badly I've blundered she will pick me up. And she is the only one who is this unwavering, no matter how sad she makes me, she still loves me. No matter how much she doesn't understand me she still loves me. No matter how much hate I feel it's still love underneath all of it. And I don't want to remove her as my cornerstone, but I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

....

My cousin blocked me after I was posting about being sick, I think that's why. Idk. My mom told me, my cousin said she'd rather die than be in my shoes. But I'd rather die too. I'd rather be dead. I want to die, I don't want to be sick, I'm not enjoying this and I'm not gonna hide it for everyone's convince, and now I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. She's sick too she's like me, and I was so excited to have comrodery. I was so happy to not be alone in this illness. And she just....it's a boundary and I will respect it. But "can't I have something that's just mine" seriously? I'm so upset. I'm mad and I'm sad and I want to throw things so they break and I want to die. And I feel like an idiot screaming it's not fair. I didn't want to be so so alone. I'm so alone. Everything sucks and I wanna die. I just, this isn't anything close to what I had pictured for myself, and I don't know how to pivot. I don't know how to roll with this anymore. I don't know how to go with the flow of this hand life delt me. And I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't have the energy to pretend anymore. I just want to die. I'm so tired. And no matter how much sleep I do or don't get, I'm exhausted and fumbling for what to do. I'm not getting better. I'm stagnet and getting worse. I'm getting worse and the worse I get the more people leave

A d the more people leave the worse I get. And it's the ugly endless cycle that I'm being eaten up by and I don't know what to do.

My Nino said I was a joke. And I knew he thought that, and it wasn't surprising to have that confirmation. I feltlike I should have had more of a reaction. And I justified it in my mind as him not being to serious about it.reverce psychology or somethkng. But now that my cousins are cutting me off, now that it's my generation and the one after, now that it's the ones who have gone through this same hell, now that theyre not here for me. Now I'm so madsadsickx about this. He called me a joke, to my face. He called me a joke to my face. I'm not. I'm sick. I'm in heart failure, I'm actively sick and I'm struggling so hard to get better. And I'm a joke. And I just I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so upset

I want to die and I can't. Because I have responsibilities, and people who would be sad. A nd I resent them. I resent the hell out of them for making me stay here with all of this. I don't know how to let this go. I want to be happy, but it's so much of an impossibility that I don't even think about it. There's no way to that outcome anymore. Theres none of that for me. And I just don't want to even try. I'm so fucking depressed I can't even get out of bed most days and I'm so fucking disappointed that I wake up and have to keep doing this. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't have a choice. I'm so tired.

I asked for this. I asked God to let me shoulder the burden of suffering I asked for this I prayed for this I was so obsessed with stigmata and miricals and saints and I wanted to help like them. I fucking prayed for this. And now look at me.

...

I started writing goodbyes in my head. I started with my mom, then Alda, then my dad....which got a little mean, and a lot more vindictive, and then I got to Madison and I couldn't do it, not even in my head. I couldn't stop repeating I'm sorry to her. There's no one I lobw more in existence, I know what the big bang felt like because of how I love her. Every love I've felt before her is so different in comparison. Like I was looking at the world through dirty scratched up sunglasses, then Madison happened and my heart exploded open BANG it's the truest love. I can't understand how my mom and Ron treat her sometimes. She is joy personified even when she's being "bad" and I can't say a permanent goodbye to her. I can't make her sad like I'm sad. When my brother made the attempt I was devastated, I couldn't stop crying for days. If he has successfully done anything I think I wouldn't be far behind. I can't do that to them. I could consider it when it was just brother, because he would understand right, he knows what this feels like he knows how hard it is to keep going. He would forgive me. But Madison is too little I can't do that to her she wouldn't understand. I can't be sorry enough about it. I can't be that dark spot in her life. I can't do that to her. I love her so much and I want that to be enough...it has to be. It has to be! She's so good, she deserves so much better than what life is for her. She deserves siblings who aren't suicidal and parents with endless patience. And adoration and so much more love. And I can't do that to her. The guilt has to be enough, even if the love isn't. Because it's easier to hang into, to feel. Especially right now. I didn't feel better trying to outline a goodbye to her and realized I loved her too much to do it, I was just too guilty about the outcome. What if that guilt and shame doesn't go away after you die. What if you have to just exist with it indefinitely. What if God decided that was my hell. You destroyed your sister's love, now you have to carry that around for eternity. ....... It's worse right then being miserable alive? Right?

Is DISPAIR worse than guilt? No... It can't be. How the hell are these my only options? How did I end up here? What did I do? This feels like a punishment.

...

I was okay when it was my Nino, I was okay when it was my Tia Tweety and Jessica, it hurt a lot and I was sad, but I was okay.

I'm not okay now that it's my Nina...She baptized me, she did my confirmation, her laugh was my favorite sound in the world. I felt so good when she called me "my Sandra" I'm not okay. I know grief does weird things to people...I know her daddy died. I know how hard that was she was in charge of all of that. But I would never want her to feel the way she's making me feel. Is there a word for the saddest sad? It doesn't seem to encompass this feeling.

Remember when I was your favorite? How can you not remember that? How can you not remember who I am to you or who I am as a person. How did I get here? What did I do? Why do they hate me. I swear I swear I didn't do anything!

Did you ever see the movie Gravity? When Dr Ryan Stone gets thrown off structure in space? And all she can yell in her panic is "What do I do?!" Yeah....yeah.

...

I want to die it it to be not my fault.i want my Tata to come get me, I want my Nana to come get me. I want my Nana to come get me. I want my baby doggies to come get me, my Kisha baby and my baby Miss Eva

I want it to not me by fault so no one can blame me. And I want someone who loves me to come get me. And I screaming as loud as I can in my head "please come get me, please please" please let it be like the TV shows, please let them come and hold my hand and call my name and come get me. Please let me be so happy to see them, and them me and were reunited with joy and love and the take my hand when they come get me. Andnim not punished for wanting it and I'm not punished for doing it to myself. And they're just a little bit upset that noone stopped me or that jonone noticed how bad it was for me.

I thought I heard my Tata calling me last week. I was just waking up, and I thought he was standing outside my door and he called me, like he needed me to do something. Like he needed my help. I thought I heard him... I thought he was going to tell me something. Maybe about the dogs? Or my car? Maybe I had mail? Or maybe he has gotten pizza and wanted to let me know. I was awake and I heard him call me, and I just forgot he was dead in my foggy state I'm always in when I wake up. But I didn't open the door when I got to it. I heard my Tio ferny and turned around and went right back to bed. I want him to call me away, I think if I had opened the door....I think he might have been standing there, maybe he would have offered his hand, maybe I would have just dropped dead on the spot. Maybe I missed him too much, maybe

I spend so much time being sad, I'm wasting this finite resource. I do think I enjoyed the time I had to be happy well enough, I think I took it for granted that my default was willing to see the silver lining. I think I'm blowing it. It's beautiful outside. My dogs love me. I'm not expected to do anything but exist in this space, I

And I'm wasting my time being sad! And I can't stop, and I'm frustrated, and then sad, and then frustrated. And every feeling that I have is colored by this base feeling and it sours everything else. And it doesn't matter how long I go without falling back down here to my sadness, because I'll always end up here again. And I can't look at it like yin and yang, like there's a balance to this, because this is too much! When I know this is my default when I know that I'll end up here over and over again. There isn't enough time or resources that'll make any of this balanced out! And whatever comfort I have I can't enjoy enough because it's been colored by this eventually. And anyone who's loved me knows that and they're no longer giving me the time, because they know it's wasted!

My Nino said if I died tomorrow he'd be sad, but he'd get over it. I'd end up a little pocket picture on my ninas shelf and that would be the end of me. My Nino, the "good" father figure in my life. That I only had my Nana and Tata who truly "gave a rats ass about you"

And my Tata is dead and maneuvers me into a worst position before he died. If they are the only ones who truly cared for me...it feels minimal.

I can't stop chastising myself for feeling so childish. I understand nuance and complexity. But I can't stop thinking about how unfair all of this is. I can't stop thinking that I should be loved unconditionally, that I have a right to ot. That it was given to me so freely for so long by so many...and it was pulled out from under me and how much that hurts...it's not fair...and I can't make due with what little I have left, and that's making me lose more...and I would beg if it would make a difference, if that's how loved actually worked I would beg! Pride be damned! I would do it...but I know better...and I know that these feelings are coloring the things I do in my day to day and it's making me bitter and making everything worse and I don't know what to do, because I need more then I'm getting and I don't know how to fill this deficit, or how to adapt to it.

....

I see people like Kay (Kay and Taylor from tt) struggling with chronic illnesses and mental health, and she has such a good life, such a good support system and there are so many things going for her, and she still struggles so hard... And with all that's going on for her she still has a hard time, and I think oh God, I don't even have that kind of support, not even close and if she's struggling with that, then how the hell do I have a chance to even begin to cope?