#I thought it was just him reflecting on his fears but UMMMM????

[daddyhoothoot]

………wait. HOLD ON.

Is Just Look My Way supposed to be Stolas reading the stars for himself? Because there’s similarities between that song and All 2 U as I posted yesterday. WAS THAT STOLAS PREDICTING HIS OWN FUTURE????

WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

[shingia]

can i req “this was the last time you cried without me knowing, understood ?” with kiyoomi please😭 maybe like hes been pretty distant bc of vball and your relationship gets strained,, and like youre just sad yk,, ummmm bye i🚶‍♀️

#2 priority

↳ sakusa x reader | angst :( | word count : 1.2K

↳ of course you can ty for your request !! idk how to feel about what i wrote tho, i hope it’s good enough ! :o

↳ prompt 20 : “this was the last time you cried without me knowing, understood ?”

sakusa thought he had made it clear that you were not his number one priority. but how could you not know? how could you not hammer this in your own head every time he didn’t text you back? every time you spent hours waiting for him to come home, only to barely talk to you?

the rules had been set before you had even started dating: volleyball was first, you were second. and you had agreed without hesitation, naively thinking that it would not be so hard to manage. but now you cursed yourself for this, because you couldn’t even blame him when all he did was stay true to this agreement.

so you kept it to yourself. all the sadness and frustration, the melancholy when you thought about how he used to almost come home running just to see your face. it was bottled up inside of you, and sometimes, only when you were sure to be alone, you let it all stream down your face.

it was your pain, not his, and you loved him enough to keep it quiet.

it was about 9.30pm when you got out of your burning hot shower, wiping the condensation from your mirror. but you avoided looking at your reflection for too long, knowing full well that the only thing you’d see would be your red and puffy eyes. it was frequent that you cried in the shower, letting the tears mix with the water as they streamed down your body.

you went to your wardrobe and put on one of sakusa’s t-shirts and black sweatpants. you used to love wearing his volleyball t-shirts, but now you carefully avoided them.

‘hey, is the match over?’ you texted before shoving your phone in your pocket and making your way to the kitchen.

one of the last things that sakusa and you still did together was eating dinner, and you held on to that as desperately as you could. so there you were, busying yourself behind the counter with some background music that gave you a fake sense of liveliness.

but the only thing you could focus on was how your phone stayed awfully silent. no answer, he had not even read your text. your fingertips turned white on the pan handle, like you were trying to distract your brain from the fact that you were this close to cry again. but you were exhausted, you spent your nights turning around in bed, obsessed by the fear of him ever leaving you. but at the same time, wouldn’t it be better? what did you still expect from the man who made it impossible for you to fall asleep without holding a pillow, just because it tricked your mind into thinking it was him? you just missed him so much.

you hated to admit it, but you almost leaped to your phone when you heard it vibrate on the table. he still had you wrapped around his finger, and you felt weak for that.

an hour ago but i stayed over for a bit.

you saw red when your eyes laid on his answer. your tears transformed into tears of anger as you threw your phone on the couch furiously. of course he had stayed over, because it was so much more entertaining than coming home to you, his number two priority.

dinner was still simmering in the pan when you went to sit on a chair, your elbows resting on the table as your fingers tangled in your hair. too busy contemplating your miserable state, you didn’t notice that your phone buzzed again. and the “but i’m home in two minutes” that he sent you was left unseen.

sakusa felt drained when he opened your front door, but the familiar noise of the latch made his shoulders relax instantly. he was always glad to come home after an exhausting match.

quietly, he took his jacket and shoes off before letting out a quiet yawn and heading to the kitchen, the only room that was lit.

“hi babe how-” he started but was cut short by the sight of you sobbing in your hands. “hey… hey, what’s going on? what happened?” he asked, kneeling beside you.

you couldn’t help but let out a sarcastic chuckle at his words. ‘you, omi. you happened’ you thought. slowly, he grabbed your hands in his to take them away your face. he already knew you were sobbing, but the look in your eyes made his worry triple in intensity. they were accusing, and he knew very well that it had something to do with him.

“you were not supposed to see that” you said, immediately taking your eyes off of his, “i’m usually better at hiding it”.

of course you knew that hearing this would hurt him. but how could you not want to hurt him just a little bit right now? was it selfish? probably, but you didn’t really care.

“what do you mean ‘usually’?” he asked, stroking your arm gently like you were made of glass. you bit the inside of your cheek before standing up from your chair and going back to the kitchen counter. sakusa was clever, he could guess on his own what you meant by ‘usually’.

you knew he had followed you to the kitchen, but you kept looking straight ahead, at least until he forced you to turn around and face him.

“i’m sorry. i should never have treated you the way i did lately... you really matter to me and i apologize for making you feel like you didn’t”, he said with a low voice, his thumb tracing the outline of your wet cheeks.

there were many things you had to say to him right now. but when you opened your mouth, the only thing that got out was a painful sob. he pulled you in for a hug so fast that you didn’t even realize it until you smelled his familiar perfume in the crook of his neck.

“this was the last time you cried without me knowing, understood?” he whispered against your ear as his arms crossed on the small of your back. “and i’m sorry that it wasn’t the first time…”

sakusa wanted nothing more than to make amends for all his mistakes right here and right now. however, he knew he’d have to do more than just want it.  but right now, as he felt your grip desperately tighten around his chest like you were afraid he’d disappear, he was ready to do everything in his power to make sure you’d never feel like that because of him ever again.

he wanted to make plans with you for the future, to make you feel his love a bit more everyday. but more than anything, he wanted to give you the red velvet box that he had just picked up from the jewelry store. he just hoped you still loved him enough to say yes.

[zumpietoo]

The Edgar Stupid Continued...

(I wanted to get the first part in, cause sometimes my trackpad slides and blows out everything)....buuttt

She’s in love with him. The End.

He isn’t remotely acting OOC. He IS acting the way he acts when he’s stuck on somebody (as we saw with Slizzy, which is what’s pissing you off). He wasn’t wary (and had already expressed his repeated interest in her, something you Slizzstans keep choosing to ignore)---he WAS at his true, lowest bottom....and, honestly, he needed somebody who actually cared about him. And was almost afraid to say, “do you really care about me/think I’m actually worthy of anything?”. It was also an interesting contrast to him realicing nobody DID care about him previously and now somebody did....

He was then 15, he’s, again, expressed his interest in her repeatedly, They were ready.

Okaaayyy.....so while you previously (in the same post!) were dragging him for his lack of responsible behavior and employment, now, when he’s just gotten a new job, that will lead to gainful, full time employment, doing something he loves and is good at, it’s a “weird choice”?

Everybody else in town was chasing after Hymen....he was busy being a grown up, not pissing off Nosferatubie and taking care of his lady during a time of need. He was hired to restart the Blue and Gold and why TF is such an issue that he renamed it, given that the entirety here was about A) first amendment/responsible journalism and B) new starts to things?

This entire season has been about him coming to terms with his trauma, getting over Slizzy and her betrayal and moving forward with his life. Why are you so disgusting that not only do you not see this, you disparage it?

“I fear” that he’ll be with somebody who IS supportive of him? Yes, I can buy you DO “fear” that, disgusting as that is....I do love the smugness here, actually, his slip was pretty normal. And Tabitha helped with that, too!

Also, dude, if he’s in AA, he has sponsor----however, that won’t be the focus of this shit anymore (I hope, cause AA is crap, anyway) and your 12 step worship is also gross (and outs your bourgeois ignorance, fully)

Errmm.....actually, just the opposite (plus, again, the show is NOT about AA)---early on, IRL, you ARE on what’s known as a “pink cloud”---you get lots of attention. etc---cause AA is a cult. However, this is NOT reflected here (like him doing his ninth of 12 steps already and slipping shows how far off it is. AA is a plot device).

Jug wanting a fresh start from years of addiction, trauma and betrayal is hardly a bad thing, dude.

He IS over Slizzy, that was the entire point.....he hallucinating that, 2 or 5 years ago because rats were eating his face and it was how he survived. We also saw him acknowledge she was never there AND how much it hurt him that nobody was and nobody GAF.

He isn’t remotely trying to be “perfect” or change himself for Tabi---nor does she want that (other than sobriety for him).....ironically, the one who was always trying to change him and make him moar conformist to her bourgeois fantasies was Slizzy.....(and would then get mad/jealous when he surpassed her).

It’s called moving forward with your life, while keeping stuff you do enjoy and isn’t toxic....wow, what a dick Jughead is....Duuuuudddeee.....it’s a teevee show. Soooo....nooppppeee. You aren’t concerned, you’re pissed off.

Oh sweet jeeabus!!! It’s a TeeVee show, moron! And, again, you’re just pissed off that Jughead’s been able to move on with somebody great and isn’t Slizzy’s doormat. Also, dude, again, AA’s a fucking cult, which is why they seek to control your social life.

OML!!! You are sooooo full of shit. Also, again, PRETEND.....and trouble is, BH’s honeymoon ended a loonnggg time ago and you can’t accept it. Plus the one who suggested moving in together was Tabitha.....

Ummmm......nooo....while he DOES suffer, wildly, from imposter syndrome, nothing says he can’t still write (we even saw him doing so).....he just will struggle to find an agent, but he can also always self publish (I thought all you shitty fic writers were always insisting your blather WAS “real writing”????).

Plus, actually, it’s called “full circle”. This is where his writing started, no? So now (cause this show is always soooperrr obvious) he’ll be an investigative journalist (and teaching, which he clearly enjoys and is good at).

Oh and the whole blackballing thing was the real reason he was so upset at the end of 5x16.

And the “something he’s trying to hold onto” is him getting his life back together, you asshole. And “identity crisis”???? My GOD!!! You’re an overdramatic jackass, huh???

Dude, that’s what he’s been thru, he hit bottom, this is him putting everything back together.

He hasn’t taken on, remotely, a “facade” you merely wish he had. I have no idea how any of this remotely “derails” Tabi’s goals and vision-----and the fire wasn’t his fault. He’ll be her supportive BH, it’ll be rebuilt. Jug won’t work there anymore, but will be around and help out. Plus she now has her grandpa to help.

And noooopeee......also, unlike you, Tabi isn’t remotely that snide and shallow, also I doubt she’ll GAF....

I guess you’ll be wrong, huh?

[finleyjayne]

Living a Lie: Chapter 1

Thank you for everyone who helped with this fic. Including the amazing @kittykatlow, the wonderful beta for this fic.

Summary: Penelope Grace Darling: the name you live by, the only name the world remembers. That doesn’t keep the memories of Y/N out of your head. All you ever wanted to do was create a better world. You thought you were doing that until some unexpected visitors to your hometown turn your world upside down. Can you leave your past behind you in order to keep your loved ones safe? Or will your fragmented memories keep you from the truth?

Pairings: Past Winter Soldier/Reader, Plus sized!Reader. Slow burn Bucky Barnes/ Reader.

Warnings: Dub/Noncon, Rape, Kidnapping, human trafficing (referenced), Underage Rape, Swearing, PTSD, Anxiety attacks, Unhealthy coping mechanisms, Non consenting drug use, underage Drug use, Violence, Domestic Violence, I’m trying to remember what else comes later in the series.

This is a Dark Fic if you don’t like it Don’t Read It!

   Ten sets of feet all in nicely polished leather-soled shoes, all connected to well-tailored suit pants.

  Nine men sitting in chairs, all supposedly listening to the man standing on the other end of the table from where you sit curled up underneath.

   Eight bottles of alcohol sitting on the dark mahogany sideboard. Beautifully cut glass reflects the firelight and dim room lighting as if they are made of stars. Clear globes sat on top of their stoppers, looking like witchballs, reflecting the horror story that had become your life.

   Seven Matryoshka dolls, each colored with similar traditional faces, bellies painted with cityscapes and cathedrals sit on the mantle above the fire. Their faces mock the tense atmosphere with cheery smiles and laughing eyes.

   Six books are housed on the other end of the mantle—each written in the Russian script, Cyrillic. From what you can read on their spines, they are books of traditional fairytales, as if this wasn't the central office of the Bratva, the Russian Mafia.

   Five… five… looking around trying to find something that was five, you curl up a little tighter underneath the far end of the antique mahogany table. The panic rises in your body as your brain starts wandering from the little game of eye-spy to what had happened the night before. It was not the first time you had exchanged masters. You were a high commodity to these people. Young, talented, naive, strong enough to withstand what they wanted, and apparently unwanted. No! Stop! Back to the game, stay in the moment.

   Four. Four panels on the door.

  Just as you thought that, your eyes focusing on those panels, the men all stand up and make their way out of the ominously formal meeting. Leaving you in the room without a glance; you are seemingly unnoticed. You freeze in place to keep it that way. You glue your eyes to the wall with the mantel and fireplace.

  What am I going to do?

   The man that everyone keeps referring to as Krestniy Otets is pacing behind you in front of his throne. What if he’s like the others? Of course, he's like the others. The thought draws a small whimper from your throat. I have two options: let it happen and hope that he isn’t too sadistic; or fight and hope that he finds it fun. Either way, there isn’t anyone to save you. You know you have to find a way to protect yourself. You close your eyes, trying to come up with a plan as you listen to the man's solid footsteps. Who am I kidding? There is only one option. Make him WANT to take care of me. Play the perfect little pet. Innocent, think babydoll, lolita, submissive. Puppy dog eyes, tears, fear, hope. Keep hope they say that makes you seem like a little doll. What did Gammy use to say? Erwarten Sie das Schlim und seien Sie froh, dass es besser passiert. Expect the slumber and be glad it happens better? No… ummmm schlimmste not schlim, that’s it. Expect the worst, and be glad when better happens. That’s it-

    The steps stop suddenly, halting your thoughts in their tracks. your body tenses impossibly tight to keep yourself from flinching. No need to draw any more attention, he’ll remember me when he is finished with his business. A deep chuckle resounds from behind you, sending a shiver up your spine. Or you know right now.  

  “Посмотрите на это, такой милый маленький котенок я купил себе [Russian: Look at this, such a cute little kitten I bought myself.]” The man's voice is deep and robust as he speaks. His tone was pleased but held a note of sadistic teasing. “Little котенок, what are you still doing under there? I thought you would’ve moved to get more comfortable.”

   You tuck your head shyly into your shoulder as you look back at the grim-looking man with the biggest, sweetest doe eyes you can, “you said to sit and stay, sir.” Your voice trembles slightly as you whisper the words, It takes everything in you not to break down or vomit, but you manage.

   A dark, possessive look passes through his eyes as a self-satisfied smirk graces his lips. “Хороший котенок [good kitten], now come we have things to do.”

  Lithely, you roll to your feet, careful not to hit your head on the underside of the hardwood table, and follow him out the four-paneled door, your gaze following the bottoms of his black wingtips submissively as you walk further into the lions' den.

  With a gasp, you wake in your soft bed, eyes open but unseeing. Blinking in panic, you wait for your eyes to turn the colorful blobs into precise shapes. The fear strangling your lungs only grows until your hand hits a hard form on the bed next to your pillow, clutching them you hold them inches from your eyes, glasses. Your brain finally catches up slightly, you realize it was just a dream. Taking a deep breath, you slide the thick-lensed glasses onto your nose. Eyes finally focusing. Looking up to the eastern facing window to gauge the time from the slight light slipping through the barred basement window. Sighing at the slivers of light that tinge the sky a rusty red, 8 o'clock. You roll off the bed, standing on your good leg. A hiss escapes your lips as the other tenses with phantom pains. Pushing you to sit and take a second to look at the unfeeling flesh covering the mechanics underneath. After a few moments of movement and messaging the joints beneath the flesh, your brain finally links to the wiring, stopping all sensation from the limb.

   You take a few more moments, stretching out the tissues of both legs. Running through the diagnostics tests that have become as familiar as the back of your hands. It takes a few tries to get through the set without any glitches or pain spikes from the living tissues. After the twelfth run, you finally give up hobbling your way into the bathroom with a change of clothes, praying you won't be late for work.

   You take care to keep your eyes off your reflection, keeping your eyes on the waterstained wall before rushing to clean yourself under the rusting showerhead. The water barely has enough pressure to send the suds from your body wash down the drain. You keep yourself distant, running through your schedule as you rub the suds over the ripples in your skin. The slight pull of stiff scar tissue against the plushy fat was invisible to the eye but felt as though it were neon stripes painted on your flesh. Your eyes burn with unshed tears, the scalding hot water feeling ice cold.

   In a blink, the water is off, and your black, high-waisted skinny jeans and favorite pink peplum top are on--a calming compress to your suddenly overactive nerve endings. Finally looking into the mirror, you brush a hand over the flowing fabrics. Staring at your reflection's hair agitatedly, quickly doing what you can before letting the fading green and blue mass do what it will atop your round face. A quick brush of your teeth, and you are ready to head out the door.

   You count the twelve stairs that separate your calm dark haven from your family's chaotic life, immediately running into your frazzled-looking mom. She looks up to meet your eyes, greeting you with a robotically cheery smile that burns the backs of your eyes.

   “Good morning, Penelope Darling, are you working today?”

  “Yeah, Mom." you choke out, each happy word leaving a metallic taste in your mouth. "Then I’m going to my appointment, I was told I’ll be back around 9,” you respond quietly, grabbing a fresh peach and a knife from the counter before sitting in the office chair at the cluttered kitchen table.

   Making quick work of peeling and pitting the peach, you eat while letting your mind drift. It doesn't take you long before you slide on a pair of sandals, bending in half to do up the straps. You grab your bag off the floor next to them, tuck your phone into your pocket, and head to work.

   “Bye dear, remember to thank that nice doctor for helping you.”

“Yes’m,” you reply demurely, leaving with a sigh, letting the door into the garage swing itself closed behind you. Walking to your sun-spotted 1996 Mazda 626, you run your hand over her roof, savoring the burn of the hot metal against your skin as you pull the key from your purse and unlock her.

   “Heya Gertz, today is gonna be a hard day, but we can make it,” You tell her as you climb into her clean interior, turning the key and listening to her sad little purr. “Yeah, I hear you. Seems we both need an oil change.”

  Once at work, you check your phone for the time, ten minutes early, five minutes late, same difference. Anxiously, you hurry into the backdoor of the small shoe store that you work for. Flipping on the lights, you make your way to the register, clocking in as the bossman comes out of the back office.

   “Morning, you know you don’t have to be here for another 10 minutes." His cheerful teasing eases the tenseness that your brief interaction with your mother gave you. "I’m going to be outta the store for this morning. I’m leaving you in charge. Daisy should be here in a few minutes, but there is a lot of traffic heading into Salt Lake. Apparently, there is going to be a Stark conference at The U this weekend.”

   Your heart dropped at the thought of fighting traffic to get to your appointment. Subconsciously you let out a groan, “If that’s true, I’m going to need to leave a little earlier today. I can just close up if you leave your key, but I have an appointment that I can’t miss.”

   “Sure thing, Penny. I’ll be here before we close, so I’ll do it.” He sends you one of his easy smiles, melting away any of your insecurities.

   “Thanks, good luck today! Be careful.” You smile back.

   “Will do, call me if you need anything.” He says, walking out the back door.

  Breathing deep, you start your opening routine, turning on the radio connected to the PA system of the small, main street store. Breathing in the scent of leather, polish, and warmth, you plug in your phone, setting it to play a mix of all the songs you have liked over the year of Spotify that is Utah appropriate. Russian opera, Ballet arrangements, Vivaldi, Frank Sinatra, some pop stuff, Alt. Rock, Jazz. A playlist that is long enough to play music for literal days without repeating a song. Turning on the volume moderator feature and adjusting the stereo's volume until it settles into the background.

   As you pull the vacuum onto the main floor, your bustling, bubbly, blonde coworker bounds through the back entrance. She squeals when she sees you, giving you elevator eyes. “Penny! You look cute today. Do you have a date? Please tell me it’s with the guy who I gave you the number for. Did you hear about the Stark expo thingy? Apparently, Mr. Stark and the rest of the Avengers are coming here for it. Can you believe it? All those people are coming to UTAH of all places. And so close to us!? We could run into them at any time! Like seriously! There is even a chance that they will stop in Bountiful on their way to the DATC. We do have some of the best hiking in the area, after all. Just think, Pens, they are going to be here!”

   You chuckle softly when she stops for a second. “Breathe, Daiz,” you instruct, resting your hands on her forearms to get her to pause her rant. “Slow down. Don’t want you to hyperventilate again. One question at a time. I can only answer you if you give me a chance to.”

   The beautiful young woman bounces on the balls of her feet, heels tapping out a quick staccato against the ground while she takes a few deep breaths. After three, she loses patience and squeals out, “Pens, the Avengers are coming here! I can feel it in my insides! And you know my insides are never wrong!”

  “Daisy, you can’t just say that your insides have psychic powers. Especially when the last time you quoted something from them, you ended up breaking your arm in three places.”

   “Oh? Well, I trust my gut, and it says good things are coming.”

   You think as you open your mouth to give some sort of salty reply, but she cuts you off

   “Stop being such a grumpy pants. I know today is gonna be a great day!”

  “Whatever you say, Daisy. By the way, I have to head out early, Bruce should be in to cover the last hour with you.” You say going back to vacuuming the storefront.  

    “You know I’m right, Penelope!” She yells back at me, grabbing the Windex from under the counter to wash the mirrors.

  After a slow morning, Daisy goes out to get herself lunch. You perch behind the counter during a lull of customers on a petite but tall stool. Your foot rests on the seat where only half of your bottom fits, knee to chest, chin resting on your knee, looking uncomfortable, but enjoying the stretch across your lower back. Your eyes follow a plane cutting across the sky as you listen to the clock on the wall ticking patiently to your right. The speakers overhead switch from Led Zeppelin to a personal recording of a Russian Lullaby.

   The jingle of the door cuts through the peace. You turn my head smiling, “Welcome to Anderson’s Shoes, what can I help you find today?” you say, sitting up a little straighter as a pair of redheaded women and a disinterested man come into view of your seat. As they look your way, the man’s face perks up a bit. You unfold yourself from the stool, prancing around the counter. The women turn to you, smiling friendly.

   “We are window shopping and heard the music, then saw the cute golden sandals in the window,” said the shorter of the two redheads in a distinctly Slavic accent.

   Taking a shot in the dark, you smile, “Well, Pani, you must have good taste, both of the things you’ve just mentioned are favorites of mine.”

   At that, the Sokovian title the girls’ ears perk, and the shorter’s eyes take on a blithe quality, while the taller’s look unphased after the slightest twitch.

   “My name is Penny, would you like me to measure your feet before I go grab a couple of pairs for you to try on?” you say, gesturing to a set of comfortable looking chairs upholstered in an outdated green.

    “I’m Wanda, This is Natasha, and the doof standing over there with his mouth open is Clint, I am 37 European, I don’t know what that means American Sizing…”

   “No worries, Wanda,” you say with a small genuine smile, “your choice of shoe is a European brand, but for future references, a 37 usually translates to a 7 US unless you're getting a Louboutin, those tend to run a half-size short. But the best thing to do when buying shoes is to try them on. Would you also like to try on a pair as well, Natasha?”

   Natasha smirks and gives a small shake of her head. “Thank you, though.”

  With a polite nod, you slip into the stockroom, silently making your way through the creaky back halls of the store, picking up the desired gold sandals, as well as a pair of black stilettos in a nine. Guessing about the yet silent woman’s preferences, and unable to help but feel the need to grab them, feeling them calling to her.

   Coming out of the back with the two boxes, you find the girls laughing at Clint. His face is scrunched up in concentration as he tries to balance on the tiny stool. Before you can reach the front of the store, he has majestically teetered on the seat. He straightens a bit, throwing off his balance just enough to send him sprawling onto the hard floor. The girls' peals of laughter only grow as he scowls at them. He's rubbing his most likely bruised tailbone when you finally reach where they are sitting.

   Chuckling softly at the embarrassed expression he gives you, you offer a hand up to the grounded man, “Don’t take it too harshly if you were trying to sit like me, I doubt even Hawkeye could perch on that stool comfortably. If I’m honest, I’m not sure how I end up on it myself." Pulling him up swiftly, you turn to the girls. "I feel like you should try these shoes, Natasha. They were calling to you. And here are these for you, Wanda.” You say, handing the boxes with their respective shoes to the women as they burst into even louder laughter.

  After some more friendly banter, and happy sighs as the girls put on the shoes you handed them. Clint, seemingly determined to prove he is indeed as dextrous as a plus-sized girl from the 'burbs, starts trying to pose on the chair a different way every time you turn your back to him. Natasha, though still guarded, seems to have settled when Clint fell the first time, free with her lip twitches that were clearly her version of a smile.

   Watching them and spewing facts about the shoes to them as they walked around the store, the minutes tick by; 5, 10, 15. Curiously, nobody else makes their way into the store while they were there. Right as the girls made their way to the register with their original shoes in the new shoes’ boxes, Daisy walks back into the door and stops in her tracks, whatever exciting news she was going to undoubtedly tell me stuck inside her cheek.

   “Thank you, I really hope that you enjoy your new shoes. If you have any problems or need anything else, just let us know-” you start saying until Daisy cuts me off with what you can only describe as a blood-curdling scream, causing all four of you to jump and take up fighting positions.

  “PENELOPE GRACE DARLING! DO YOU KNOW WHO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU OR DO I NEED TO KICK YOU?! IT’S THE SCARLET WITCH!” came a rush of semi-intelligent squeals from Daisy’s mouth.

   Looking genuinely confused as you try to place the name with the context, your eyes flipping between the four people who were now staring at you. Three highly amused with your confusion and one completely flabbergasted. “Daisy calm down a bit? I am apparently missing something here, and you yelling is definitely not helping me piece it together.”

   At this, Clint bends over himself, clutching his sides as his laughter rips through his chest. What a sexy laugh? Even though it’s at my expense. Nat smirks a little longer than her usual quick flashes. Wanda, ever the peacekeeper, extends her hand, “Hello, My name is Wanda, but I’m usually more recognized by my superhero name: The Scarlet Witch. These are my teammates and friends; Natasha, or The Black Widow; and Clint, also known as Hawkeye. It’s very nice to meet you, Penelope. We definitely appreciate the help with the shoes.” 

Chapter 2

If you want more Winter Soldier fics check out @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​. They have a great one called Breach.

Thank you all for reading. Tags are open for this fic, I am also curious to see what you all think. Share your truth with me.

People I think will enjoy reading this: @star-spangled-beard-burn @angrythingstarlight​ @tossacoin2yourwitcher​ @navybrat817​ @darkficsyouneveraskedfor @nekoannie-chan​ @donutloverxo​ @stargazingfangirl18 @nsfwsebbie​ @jtargaryen18 @buckys-broody-muffin​ @nacho-bucky​ @giorno-plays-piano​ @buckybarney​

[candyshua]

i luv angst a lot so i’m v glad you’re doing this 😭 could i have jun + “don’t pretend to care, i know you don’t” thank you!! 💓 (feel free to litrally break my heart)

a/n: ummmm i have mixed feelings about this one. thank u so much for requesting though! anywho, enjoy!

pairing: junhui x reader (side joshua x reader)

genre: just pure angst

warnings: unrequited love, mentions of sex, the reader is just not a very good person,,,

word count: 2,297

Junhui never liked you. 

Maybe his hatred for you stemmed from the first time you two met; which was through Joshua, of course.

The moment his eyes trailed to where you were, in the doorway of Joshua’s apartment, he felt something amiss in his chest.

You smiled warmly, holding up a plastic bag filled with takeout in one hand and a bottle of soju in the other. Everybody else in his apartment cheered, but Junhui merely gave you a plain look, not knowing what emotions you had just conveyed of him.

Joshua took the bags from you while he gave you a quick kiss. Your grin was of pure authenticity, something that made Junhui recoil.

He remembered the way you snuggled up against Joshua as the rest of you watched a movie. He remembered you talking to him as if he were a friend of yours for years, in spite of only knowing each other for an hour or so. He remembered the feelings of complete and utter disgust when he’d sneak looks at you.

Junhui decided to hate you that night. It was just the safest option.

The second time Junhui met you was at a cheap, hole-in-the-wall diner in the middle of the night. You wore an apron and a tired smile.

You were always smiling. Junhui hated it.

He sat down in a two-person booth by himself, eyeing the menu carefully. His diligent searching was interrupted by your chipper voice. According to Junhui, it was much too chipper for someone who worked at a shitty diner in the middle of the night.

“Hey, you’re Junhui, right?” You greeted.

“Yeah, Y/N?” You nodded enthusiastically.

“Can I get you something to drink?” 

Junhui was absolutely perplexed. How did you seem so happy and awake? 

“Um, water would be fine.” You gave him a thumbs-up and practically skipped away. The feeling in Junhui’s heart was absolutely foreign to him, and he did not welcome it one bit. When you came back and gave him the glass of water, your hand accidentally brushed against his.

Junhui felt his entire world collapse. You weren’t affected whatsoever. Junhui didn’t even think you noticed.

After you had taken his order and walked away, Junhui was left to reflect. 

He decided to hate you yet again. In fact, he needed to hate you, or else he’d have to admit he was falling for his roommate’s girlfriend.

-

Junhui started to lose count of how many times he had seen you. You were soon becoming an avid person in his social life, and it scared the absolute shit out of him. 

He was tremendously scared of you. He was scared of the way your smile made his breath stop, he was scared of the way he felt butterflies in his tummy each time you were remotely near him, and he was scared of the fact that he was in love with you.

One night, you, Junhui, Joshua, and his friend Soonyoung were hanging out in your apartment. Once you all had realized you ran out of booze, Soonyoung and Joshua had left the two of you to go to the store. 

Junhui sat on the couch, mindlessly staring at his phone. He was hyperaware of your everlasting presence. You wore a t-shirt and black shorts that night.

After further observing the shirt, Junhui realized that it was his. Joshua must’ve taken it from him, and you must’ve taken it from Joshua.

Junhui’s mind wandered for a bit. He let himself indulge in the thought of you wearing his t-shirts on a regular basis, and then he found himself being washed over with fear.

Plain and transparent fear. There was no other word to describe the way Junhui had felt when he realized that he was madly in love with you.

No, Junhui had never liked you.

(He loved you.)

“Jun,” You began out of the blue, “can I ask you something?” Junhui’s eyes widened, wondering if you could read his tainted thoughts.

“Um, sure.” 

“Has Joshua ever brought another girl to your apartment?” 

Wow. Junhui could hear your voice crack just a bit, and he knew that you already knew the answer. 

Joshua had been quite irresponsible with you, to say the least. Junhui had kept his mouth shut about it all, even if he did feel a burning hatred for the man he lived with. 

“I think you already know the answer.” Junhui murmured with nothing but shame laced in his tone. He expected you to cry, scream, or just do something reckless. Instead, you stood there silently, hugging your knees to your chest. And when Joshua came back that night, you kissed him at the door.

(Junhui’s heart ached hopelessly.)

-

It was 3 AM. 

You seemed to not care, though, since you called Wen Junhui at the ungodly hour.

“Hello?” He croaked after he picked up the phone, clearly being awakened from his sleep.

“Jun?” You weakly asked. You sniffled, and he automatically knew you had been crying.

“Y/N? What’s up?” Worry was rooted in his tone, like weeds in a yard. He’d try so desperately to rip them out, but they’d always come back.

(He would always be worried about you.)

“Could you, um, come pick me up? Please?” You pleaded. Junhui was thoroughly confused.

“What happened?”

“Josh broke up with me, and he kind of left me at the diner. I have no way to get home…”

“On my way.”

Junhui got in his car with a racing mind and heart. His thoughts were filled with Joshua and his undeniable ability to be an asshole, and of course, you. Junhui wished he could speed through the streets and get to the diner you worked at, but alas, the city of LA was alive with traffic like always. And, of course, rain was falling from the sky in angry droplets.

Junhui moved to LA to chase his dreams of being an actor. And, at the ripe age of 25, his dream wasn’t going too great. He met Joshua through a roommate listing online, and then he got a part-time job at a high-class restaurant. 

He put his dreams on hold.

But, when he finally saw you standing awkwardly on the sidewalk in the rain, a new dream was born.

(He dreamt of being yours.)

The moment you spotted Junhui’s beat-up car, you wore a smile for the first time that night. Junhui’s heart fluttered.

After you got into the car, Junhui drove away without asking a single question. Half of him didn’t want to pester you with such things.

And half of him didn’t really want to know, in fear that he might have gone home and beaten the shit out of his roommate.

“Jun,” You started, “thank you. Really–I mean it.”

After he let himself bask in your lovely words for a bit, he gave you a shy smile.

“Of course, Y/N. I’d do anything for you.”

Junhui realized what he had said much too late. His heart dropped. In a state of panic, he turned on the radio, and some romantic jazz started blasting at full volume. Junhui turned it off as soon as he could, his eyes blown wide out of fear and anticipation.

He looked anywhere but you. 

You refused to look anywhere but him.

Those words were surprisingly nice coming from Junhui’s mouth. 

“Where are we going?” You questioned the older man. 

Junhui handed you his phone with Google Maps open, having already prepared it before you entered the car.

“Put in your address please.” He stated blankly. You nodded and let a fit of giggles subside in your throat. 

Once Junhui pulled up to your apartment complex, you opened the door and waved him goodbye. 

Junhui was about to drive away, but you stopped him.

“Wait!”

Junhui hit the brakes way too aggressively.

“Want to come in for some coffee?”

(Junhui should’ve just driven away.)

-

Ever since the night you two had slept together, Junhui’s entire world was on fire. He couldn’t bear to look Joshua in the eyes, but Joshua probably wouldn’t have even cared if he found out about what happened. Junhui led himself to that conclusion after Joshua brought home a girl two days after the breakup.

Junhui was going insane.

He avoided you like the plague. He had become a regular at the diner you worked at, but he hadn’t gone since that night.

Two weeks had passed, two painstakingly slow and miserable weeks. Time was Junhui’s enemy, but it was usually because it was much too fleeting.

Now it was much too slow. You had infested his mind like ants infested a kitchen in the summertime. He wanted to hate you, so badly.

But his feelings for you were quite, in fact, the opposite. Junhui’s feelings would have probably faded away after not seeing you due to the breakup.

He would’ve turned out fine.

Fuck, Junhui thought while studying his lines for an audition, I really should’ve just driven away.

-

The second time you slept together was a spur of the moment thing. You were in your apartment one night, lonely as ever. You scrolled through Instagram and then looked at one of Junhui’s posts. It was a picture of him at a concert with Joshua and Joshua’s new girlfriend.

Your heart felt as if it were ripped in two. 

Before you knew it, you were going to Junhui’s contact on your phone and pressing “call”. It rang a few times, so much so that you thought the call would go to voicemail.

“Y/N?” Junhui asked, disbelief thick in his voice.

You felt a twisted sense of pride settle in you. He always picked up your calls.

“Hey Jun, you doing anything right now?”

On the other line, Junhui was on his computer, paying the bills.

“No, I’m not.” He lied.

You heard a laptop shut on the other line. You had to stifle a scoff.

“How about you come over?”

Junhui wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. He absolutely refused to do so. 

But he really missed you.

“Be there in fifteen minutes.” 

(He arrived in ten.)

-

Junhui started visiting the diner again. You still worked there, as diligent and positive as ever. 

You two would leave together just about every time Junhui went. 

When he laid in bed beside you after you found sleep, Junhui let himself feel a sliver of hope. Maybe you loved him back…

He noticed the peaceful rise and fall of your chest, covered with bruises due to his wandering mouth. And the feelings came rushing in at such a high speed that Junhui had difficulty breathing.

That was real. It was so, undeniably real. Junhui had slept with you on numerous occasions, but you never tried to initiate anything more. Despite his lingering feelings of faith, he knew that if he ever tried to become something more to you, you would push him away.

You didn’t love him.

(You loved Joshua.)

-

Maybe Junhui knew he was your rebound all along. Maybe he let himself be your toy because he’d do anything for you.

But, when you came into his apartment that night, hand-in-hand with Joshua, Junhui just couldn’t contain the pain he was feeling.

He expected it, to be quite honest. That still didn’t stop it from hurting more than anything else he could have ever felt. You were a gamble, a risky and selfish gamble, and he had just lost a million dollars. 

When you tried to sneak out of the apartment that night, you still couldn’t get by Junhui. He sat on the couch, mindlessly reading his phone, like he used to do around you.

“Listen, Jun–”

“Don’t say that.” Junhui hissed, nothing but pure venom in his voice. 

“Jun, what are you–”

“Don’t say my name. Don’t try to explain anything either. And, don’t pretend to care, I know you don’t.” 

You scoffed, your entire apologetic demeanor changing.

“You knew what you were doing.” You rebutted. Junhui’s jaw clenched, and for the first time, you were the reason for his anger. He thought of the second time he met you, when you were a happy-go-lucky waitress in a shitty diner. 

He should have known it was all a facade. He should have known you.

“So did you. You knew you were just using me as some sort of fucking toy, even though you also knew I was madly in love with you.”

Despite the unstoppable storm of anger and melancholy inside of Junhui, he was eerily calm on the outside. His voice was quiet, and for once, sure of himself. The thing he was so sure of was, in fact, your love for him. Or lack thereof.

“Why would I ever even consider loving you? You’re a failed actor who–”

“Actually, I’m not a ‘failed actor’ anymore. I’ve been preparing for this one role for a while, and I got it. It’s for this new movie…”

Junhui could’ve also went into the fact that you were a fucking waitress at a shit hole of a diner, saving up for your own business, but he didn’t.

You were obviously taken aback. Junhui felt a slight twinge of pride for being the one that made you feel something, instead of it always being the other way around.

“I should go.” 

Junhui wanted to stop you, for some odd reason. He couldn’t get over his paralyzing love for you through just one argument.

There was something in your eyes. Maybe it was a glint of regret. Maybe you wanted Junhui to tell you to stay.

“Yeah, you should.” Was what he said instead.

(So you left, and Junhui let you. Junhui would look back on it years later with nothing but criticism for himself. You were such a mistake.)

[98prilla]

To The Dead

Previous

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AO3

TW talk of death, injuries, violence, blood, emotional manipulation

...

It was Roman, who had the next encounter with the newest ghost. He was drawing in the living room, when he heard a soft noise, a soft whoosh, the sound that usually accompanied one of them entering the space. He didn’t think anything of it, assuming it was just Logan, who tended to be quiet, or Remus, trying to sneak up on and startle him.

 After a moment of no other noise, he turned around, brow creasing as he saw no one there. He shrugged and went back to his drawing, only stopping when he heard another small sound, and he froze, catching a flicker of shadow out of the corner of his eye, from behind the couch.

 “Virgil?” He asked softly, careful not to turn his head, not to look directly at his hiding place, the shadows sparking slightly faster at his words. “Hey, hey, it’s ok. I’ll stop talking to you, I didn’t mean to scare you.” The shadows started to calm, and he could see his outline slowly stabilizing. He went back to drawing, letting the silence linger, letting them both settle, before he grabbed a pen and piece of paper, and slid it backwards, under the couch to the edge of the wall. “I know you like to draw. I always loved watching you. You made amazing things, Virgil.” He said gently, kindly, trying to convey all the warmth and empathy he felt for him in those simple words, wishing he could reach out to him. But that would only make him run.

 Instead he turned his attention back to his own drawing, those his ears were attuned to behind the couch, smiling slightly as he heard the tell tale scratch of pen against paper.

 It was hours later, when he felt something hit his leg. He looked down, seeing the pen and paper, hearing whoosh of Virgil vanishing as he picked up the ink drawing, if he had any breath, it would have been taken away. It was a portrait, of himself, his face drawn and serious, his cavalry sabre drawn and pointed skyward, eyes reflected in its sheen. He pressed it to his chest, smile tugging at his lips. Quickly, he scribbled a small thank you, and tucked it back behind the couch. Hopefully, Virgil would find it there, the next time he popped in. The drawing now hung front and center above the desk in his room.

Their astral space had shifted to accommodate a new ghost, of course. They did all still like a little privacy, a quiet space to call their own, to decorate with items summoned from memory, or copies of things that resided in the actual physical space of the house that they’d interacted with or seen, and their abode reflected that, creating rooms for each of them. A sixth now lined the hallway.

 The change was slow, at first, but by the next week, it was plain to see. The door was darkening, changing, a deep violet color creeping up the previously plain paint. It could only mean one thing, and that was that Virgil was actually using it, spending time in there, the space being influenced by his presence.

 But he still hadn’t come out. He refused to respond to them, no matter who it was at the door. Janus’s gentle words, Patton’s soft kindness, Roman’s stubborn talkativeness, Logan’s calm tone, did nothing to coax him out of the room. Sometimes, they heard him moving inside, heard him sniffling or crying, and it broke Patton’s heart.

 Virgil had been so young, just twenty, he’d had his whole life ahead of him, and one person had made him so sure he was an utter waste that he was convinced he’d done the best thing by dying. All he wanted was to hold Virgil in his arms, comfort the poor boy, his paternal instincts were kicked into overdrive and it was driving everyone, including himself, mad. It certainly didn’t help the tense worry that had settled over their odd little household.  

 Virgil was curled in the corner of what he supposed was ‘his room’, now. It was dark, deep shadows cloaking every corner of the space, walls a deep violet that was nearly black, ceiling unviewable through the cloudy smog that hovered up there constantly. A bed had formed against one wall, and he was wrapped in the thick purple black plaid comforter.

 Janus was right. It was easier to hold his form in this space, the astral plain, he’d called it. Whenever he did slip back to the physical plain, he turned into a pulsing orb of darkness, which was weird, and definitely would take some getting used to. It didn’t feel… bad. Just different. It was like his mind and thoughts and consciousness were all that he was, like he could see 360 degrees, everything around him all at once, but it wasn’t disorienting or overwhelming, like he would’ve thought. It was like his mind was in overdrive, processing everything, and he couldn’t focus on forming his limbs, making himself any kind of presentable. Not that he cared. Was easier to hide, keep out of the way, as a blob of shadow, anyways.

 It was quiet outside his door right now. They must have given up, for the moment. Hopefully for good. He wished they’d just stop trying. He didn’t deserve their care and attention, he wished they’d stop wasting their time and effort on him.

 His body was gone. He didn’t know by who or how it had been found. He’d probably been missing long enough He had called the police, or come looking, he hadn’t cared to check. He’d heard the disturbance, felt it, but he ignored it. It didn’t matter. They could throw his body in the dump for all he cared, it wasn’t like it meant anything, anymore.

 Not like anyone would come to his funeral, anyway. His family was all dead. He didn’t have a job. When he was in school he’d worked a few part time ones, but his anxiety kept getting him let go. And when he was with Him, he wouldn’t let him get one. Didn’t want him screwing up and having it all come back on Him. Of course, He’d also always complained about how little he contributed to their relationship, then got angry when he brought up the job thing, so he’d just stopped mentioning it, after a while.

 Just another proof of his cowardess.

 “Watcha doin?” He hissed, jumping five inches in the air, form wavering for a moment at the spike in fear, nearly slipping back to the physical plain from the startle. After a moment, he stabilized, glaring up at the ghost hovering upside down in the air, walking along the foggy clouds of the ceiling, green eyes aglow.

 “Which one are you?” He asked, and the ghost tsked.

 “Nuh uh, I asked you a question first, my miasmic musketeer.” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, tugging on the ends.

 “Question for a question? Fine. But I reserve the right to pass on anything.”

 “Fine, but if you pass, I get a free pass on whatever question I want. Now spill it! Watcha doin? Cause it looks a loooot like moping.” He spluttered at that, scowling.

 “I’m not moping. I’m just… thinking. Now, who are you? I haven’t heard your voice through the door.”

 “Remus is what I go by. Don’t remember why I chose it. Probably just liked the sound.” Remus shrugged, slowly cartwheeling through the air. “Why haven’t you opened the door?”

 “Pass.” Virgil choked out, shadows sparking off his edges.

 “Boo, already? You’re no fun.” Remus pouted.

 “How’d you get in here? I thought no one could get in.” Remus shrugged.

 “They can’t. I can go wherever I want. And I wanted to see what you’d done with the place, so I came in.”

 “Wait, why can you-”

 “Uh, uh, uh, not your turn!” Remus sing songed, and Virgil groaned, sinking further into his blanket. “Now, why won’t you go meet the rest of them?” Virgil’s eyes flickered, voice echoing as he answered.

 “Pass. Why can you get in here and they can’t?”

 “They’re ghosts. I’m a poltergeist.” Virgil’s brow furrowed, and he opened his mouth to ask a question, surprised as with a flick of Remus’s wrist, his jaw clicked shut, stuck that way.

 “You are terrible at following the rules. Logan would like you, all those curious questions rattling around. He knows all about ghosts and poltergeists, if you’d talk to him, he could answer all your questions. Wouldn’t even make it a game. So. Why won’t you talk to him?” Virgil glowered for a moment, before Remus grinned, teeth sharp and eyes swirling, as he flicked his wrist once more, unclenching Virgil’s jaw.

 “Don’t do that again.” He growled, Remus’s smile growing. “and what do you care, whether I speak to them or not?” He asked, barely containing the whispering chorus behind his words.

 “I don’t, really. But it’s no fun playing by myself, and they’re all too torn up about you to pay any attention to me. I’ve made the walls bleed, ooze sticky black ichor, tentacles come out of the toilet bowl, flies hatch out of the floors, and nothing! Not a single scream, or scolding, or lecture, or anything! Do you know how frustrating that is? These things take time, people, is too much to ask for a little acknowledgement?!” Remus bemoaned, landing on the floor, angry scowl on his face. “And it’s all because you won’t stop sulking.”

 “Well I’m sorry I don’t feel up to socializing at their pity party for me, I don’t want their attention, and the sooner they get that and give up, the sooner everything can go back to normal for you!” They both paused as they heard a noise outside the door, likely Logan, based on the quiet hum of thought and sound of page turning. Virgil yelped as Remus’s eyes glowed, and he found his body moving without his permission.

 “What are you doing?” he hissed, feeling like a clumsy marionette.

 “If you won’t open the door, then I’m opening it for you.” He sucked in a breath as he took a stumbling step forwards, fighting the control.

 “Remus. Stop.” He gritted out, feeling dizzy.

 “Ummmm, let me think about it. No. Unless…”

 “Unless what?”

 “Unless you give me a good reason why.” He growled, trying to spin back around to face Remus, only succeeding in forcing himself to a standstill, his anger countering Remus’s power, his shadows finally exploding outward in rage after a long moment of silent battle as he rounded on Remus, sparks flying off him, his form growing and shifting, becoming a void of light as he glared, bared his teeth, growls and hisses and distant distorted screams echoing from deep in the growing shadows.

 “I don’t need a good reason. I don’t need to justify myself to you. I don’t need to justify myself to them. I don’t need their pity. I don’t need their care. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve it. So if you could tell them all to shut up and leave me alone, that would be great!” Virgil screamed, a thousand voices bouncing off the walls, the noise overwhelming, deafening, the growls turning to roars.

 Not much could overwhelm Remus. Not much had the power to. But the darkness that swept him up, consumed him in twisting, fracturing nothingness, the endless noise so loud it was silent, the empty, swirling void of dread that filled his stomach, clouded his mind, sunk into his soul, scared him, and with the force of a hurricane, he let the dark tide carry him, spit him out, hearing a yelp from Logan as the door slammed open, the tide smashing Remus against the wall before retreating, retracting, vanishing back underneath Virgil’s skin, his form solid despite the fear and anguish rolling off him, strong enough it made Remus shudder and Logan recoil.

 “what’s wrong, Remus? Am I scaring you?” Virgil asked, voice a duet of deep bass and high keening, darkness swirling just below his paper pale skin, his eyes dark voids of emptiness, head tilted to the side, a dark smile on his lips as he stepped forwards, tilting Remus’s chin up from where he had slumped against the wall. “Can’t take what you dish out?” Remus shuddered again at the wash of desperate fear that clouded his mind, transferred from Virgil to him.

 It set his mind aflame. It burned him up from the inside out, images and thoughts flashing through his mind so fast he could barely keep up with them. Fears, he realized. His fears. Roman, bayonet through his stomach, gurgling on his own blood as he slowly drowned on dry land. Janus, hands wrapped around his throat, crushing it, breaking it, until his airway collapsed and his eyes closed, lips turned blue. Logan, neck bent at an unnatural angle, eyes open and glassy, a trickle of blood escaping the corner of his mouth, body twisted and bruised and bleeding. Patton, his spirit slowly breaking, his heart cracked in two as his life faded into grays, colors draining out of his life, phantom laughter of a little girl echoing in the emptiness, cold emptiness beside him in a too large bed, until it devoured him completely and he took the pills, gave in to the darkness, clutching a family photo to his chest.

 “please. Virgil, stop. Please.” His voice was hoarse. He wasn’t sure if he’d been screaming or not, but it certainly felt like he had, gasping as Virgil’s hand drew back as if burned, tears tracking down Virgil’s face, mouth opening and closing several times, before he staggered backwards, clutching at his own head, shaking it vehemently.

 “you wanted to know why I wouldn’t open the door.” Virgil choked out, shaking as his eyes returned to their normal dark violet, arms wrapping around himself as the roaring, raging shadows vanished back to the corners of his room. He felt about two seconds away from collapsing, dizzy and weak, trembling from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. “well, now you know. I’m just… just a monster. Just… just stay away. It’s safer for everyone. Just leave me alone.” He near begged, feeling sick, at what he’d just done, what he’d made Remus see, what he’d seen from Remus, it was stuck on repeat in his mind, stuck on a loop, and his not necessary breathing hitched in response to the panic creeping up his spine. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, slamming the door closed, collapsing onto his bed, weakly managing to summon the comforter to him from where it had been discarded on the floor, curling into a tight ball underneath it, too numb and drained and dizzy to do anything else.

 Silent tears slipped down his face as he closed his eyes, dread haunting his every moment as the shadows of the room descended upon him, wrapping him in their cold embrace, purposefully drawing them to him so they wouldn’t slip under the door and go torment the others. He wouldn’t let them do that. They didn’t deserve to deal with his bullshit, if he was going to be the monster, the villain, the bad guy, he was going to be his own worst enemy. He was not going to hurt the others, not even Remus, not ever again.

[vicisintoomanyfandoms]

Chapter 4 of Another Target

This is the fourth chapter of my fanfic. Hope you enjoy. 

Join the Miraculous Fanworks discord server here

thank you so much Khanofallorcs for beta reading my fic

As she heard the alarm, the ravenette opened her eyes. She got out of bed and looked in the broken mirror. Even if it was shattered, Marinette could still look at her reflection. She had big eyebags and looked like she hadn’t slept all night, which was actually true.   

“Tikki, TIKKI! She called her little kwami.  

  “Marinette, it’s three am”  

  “Yes, and I can’t sleep. You do realize that Cat Noir knows my identity, right?” The girl said with a worried voice.  

  “I do, but we’ll talk about it today with him. Now you really need sleep. You’ve had a rough day and you’ll need to go to school.“   

  “Ok, Tikki, you’re the best.”  

“Tikki, it’s morning and I look terrible. Looks like I’ll have to use makeup.“  

 “Then put it on faster, you’ll be late if you don’t hurry up.”  

 “Wow, Tikki, that was really harsh of you. Usually you’re nicer and calmer. What’s gotten into you?”  

 “Nothing! Just do your things and go to school already.”  

 “Ummmm, ok.”  

 Marinette was really worried about her kwami. That behavior was very unexpected from her.  I just hope she’s ok,  the girl thought as she made her usual routine but instead of wearing her usual clothes, the ravenette took a pink hoodie with crossed fingers that created a heart, a pair of black sweatpants and white shoes. She took her hair from the usual pigtails and put it into a ponytail.  Should I leave it like this, or make it the same how it’s usually? Oh, I have only 20 minutes before school starts so I’ll leave it like this.    

 “Hi mom, I’ll take a snack and I’ll eat at school. Have a nice day. Bye!”  

 “What’s wrong with Marinette, she usually wakes up and gets late and now she has 20 minutes before school starts? That’s a lot of time for our Marinette. I have no idea if I should be proud or worried.”  

 “Honestly, Tom, me neither, she looked really tired and sad today. You know very well how much of a perfectionist she is if she gets sad. If something happens, she’ll just write it in her diary. Also, we both know that she has problems with communication. I just hope she’s ok and that she won’t do anything stupid. “  

 "Yeah, me too.”  

 The man looked down. He was really worried about his daughter who was behaving really weirdly. His biggest fear could become a reality and that was really scary for him.   

  At school :  

 The teenage girl arrived at school with a tired face that her friends would never want to see. So, she faked a smile which immediately disappeared as she saw the love of her life kissing Kagami. It felt like the whole world was crashing over her. It was like a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from. She was burning inside and couldn’t help it.   

 The ravenette burst into tears. She wanted to get out of the school, but she knew she couldn’t. Marinette thought that if she didn’t get good grades, she was a failure.   

  Flashback:  

 “Marinette likes you. Can you imagine?” A brown-haired boy spoke as he was taking his water bottle from his backpack.  

 “Oh, that little girl that looks like she came from a dirty river?” Another boy said.  

 “Why a dirty river?”  

 “Because she cries so much, I think she created a river and because she’s extremely dirty. She’s so ugly and stupid. Like seriously, on a scale from one to ten, her intelligence equals 0. We all hate her. Nobody will ever catch romantic feelings for a crybaby like her.”   

 Marinette heard these words and she was breaking inside. She couldn't believe that guy was using her so much. She was only 10 years old, so that experience was traumatizing. She felt like they were walking on her and like they were using her as a punch ball, not literally of course or like they were stepping over her. That’s when the ravenette decided to be the best she could ever be.   

 Since then she started working hard on everything she was doing. She got perfect grades, followed drawing and sewing tutorials so she would become one of the best designers in the entire world. She was really into that dream and it was time it became bigger, so she would show that little bastard who she really was.   

 Her future became better and clearer as days went by. Everyone loved her. But something they didn’t know was that the bakers’ daughter had depression so she felt bad every time someone didn’t like her or she did something wrong. But people were jealous of her and nobody could change that.  One of those people was also Chloè Bourgeois, who hated the idea of the girl being better than her. So that’s how she started bullying the ravenette.   

  Flashback ended.  

 It was the time she decided to become even better and a perfectionist. She decided to leave her love for Adrien simply by dating Luka, so she could get over the blonde. It was a perfect plan, even if she realized she’d use the poor blue-eyed boy. She knew how much she hated being used, but she had no other choice. And who knows, maybe she’d eventually fall in love with him even more than she fell for the blonde. All she could see was how to become the perfect version of herself, who was never hurt.   

 The girl clenched her fists and went to class. She listened to every single detail the teacher said in class and didn’t say a  word during the entire day, except during the breaks. For the first time, it felt right to be quiet about everything, except when she needed to speak.   

 After school ended, she took her phone and dialed Luka’s number. He wasn't answering so she started texting him:  

 Hey Luka, I wanted to talk to you about what happened yesterday. Don’t worry, I’m not angry.   

From now on, I won’t let anything crush my dreams and my destiny. No matter the obstacles, I’ll overcome them without showing any emotion and without failing. From now on, I am Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the girl who never does anything wrong and who always makes the right decisions.  

 And with these thoughts in her head and a grin on her face, she walked out of the school.

[dramaticironyoflife]

Baby Bird (Fly Home) - Chapter 6: Watching Life Pass You By

Chapter 6

(This chapter is because of KieraElieson.) Logan and Virgil are settling down just fine! Brotherly love and all that! Besides, who ever thought that the idea that younger siblings were annoying and frustrating was ever true? I mean, come on...

Notes:

Everybody thank KieraElieson for this chapter! I was gonna rip your hearts out brutally but I guess I'll save that for a different day. :)

----

Virgil approached the door to his apartment just in time to hear a muffled bang. Panic ripped through him. He fumbled with the keys and tore the door open. Inside, he was confronted with an interesting spectacle. Logan sat in the midst of various materials, covered in flour, with an old science book open next to him. The counter was filled with bowls and cups, so much so that Logan was forced to set the book and himself on the floor. He was kneeling in front of it now, blinking up at Virgil. The boy looked unharmed, leaving the origin of the bang still a mystery. Virgil spluttered a few moments, looking for words, as the microwave beeped. He turned to see something coating the inside of the machine. Logan’s quite voice pipped up behind him,

“Oh, so eggs do explode in the microwave.” He removed his glasses and cleaned them, the movement causing a dusting of flour to fill the air. Virgil turned and took in the small form. Logan appeared calm but Virgil knew better, his shoulders were tense, and his head was erect, but his eyes were lowered. His movements were stiff, and Virgil could tell he was pretending. Pain hit him in the chest as he thought back to the first time, he’d seen this behavior. Logan hadn’t been older than three when Virgil had been forced to hide him and leave him alone all night. He hadn’t had time to explain himself, either. He’d shoved the boy into a cupboard and ordered him to stay still and quiet, “Like a robot” those words had held more of an impact than Virgil had bargained for. How many times had Logan shifted to this behavior? He became aloof and hid in his mind. Holding emotion in and shoving it down, quiet and compliant, just like a robot. As time had dragged on, the coping mechanism had become an obsessive behavior. There had been a long time when Virgil hadn’t seen Logan at all; just the robot. Logan would become stiff and silent and obedient. Virgil could recall how scared he had become, trying and failing to get his Lo-lo back. Now, Logan glanced hesitantly up at his older brother. Virgil sighed and let his shoulders sag, “I could’ve told you that, Lo.” He let his gaze sweep around the room and let his backpack fall to the ground with a satisfying thud, “Let’s get this place cleaned up.” The mess looked worse than it was, as it is in many cases, and it was well on its way to being finished when a knock sounded at the door. Virgil tensed and shot a glance at Logan. The younger boy was still, listening for further sounds and watching Virgil. The teen picked up the cutting board and wandered to the door, he peered through the peephole and felt his heart rate slow. He lowered the deadly weapon and slid the latch on the door open. “Hey, Pat.” He smirked shyly at the cheery landlord, “Need something?” Patton beamed and bounced a little, “Only to ask you what you wanted for dinner on Saturday, my Angelic Songbird!” Virgil raised an eyebrow at the name and bit his lip at the question. “Ummmm…whatever you want to make is good with me…” He muttered as he set the cutting board down against the wall. He hated making decisions. Patton knew this. Patton knew this and insisted on continuing to ask every week. Patton knew this, continued to ask every week, and Virgil always gave the same answer. Patton crossed his arms, just like always, “Now, Virge, I know you like to make everything easy for me but, honestly, Kiddo, I want you to pick something!” He watched as Virgil shook his bangs in front of his face and gnawed at his lip. Suddenly, he looked up and then darted his gaze away. A light blush colored his cheeks. “Could we, um, that is, if it isn’t too much trouble…you know what? Never mind, I don’t wanna...” Patton leaned forward and tilted Virgil’s head up. The teen stopped talking altogether. Patton took two slow breaths and waited for the anxious boy to mimic him. “Now, what is it, Virgil?” Patton was patient, Virgil hated and loved that about him. “Couldwehavethatchocolatecakewiththejaminbetweenthelayersagain?” Patton blinked and took a moment to decipher the jumbled request. Once he had, however, his signature smile was back and as blinding as ever. “Of course, Kiddo!” He chuckled happily and extended an arm towards the teen. Virgil slipped through the door and let himself be bundled into a hug. He took a deep breath and felt his whole body relax. Patton smelled like home and safety. Virgil burrowed closer subconsciously. Frick, where did this man get his shirts?! Material this soft should not be allowed to exist. Patton finally sighed and pulled back, “I’ll see you Saturday then, right?” “Right.” Virgil smirked. Patton turned and began to walk away with a little bounce in his step. Virgil paused to watch him before turning to go back inside. He was stopped by Patton’s cheery voice once more, “Oh! And don’t forget to bring Logan!” Logan was still standing where Virgil had left him. Seeing his brother unharmed, Logan’s fear was replaced with careful curiosity. “Who is Patton?” He asked as Virgil resumed cleaning. Virgil turned and looked Logan up and down, twisting his mouth into an amused smirk, “Go get cleaned up and then I’ll tell you.” The younger boy groaned but scuttled off anyway. Virgil snorted and began to scrub the microwave out. A few minutes later he sighed and placed his hands on his hips. He surveyed the now clean kitchen. The blue counters were once again cleared and the white cabinets were no longer covered in mysterious liquids. The tile floor was scrubbed clean and the microwave was reassembled. The patter of footsteps echoed as Logan scurried down the short hallway and into the small sitting room that sat just across from the kitchen. His hair was wet and the long baggy material of one of Virgil’s many hoodies covered his slender form. Virgil walked over and ruffled his brother’s hair, sending water droplets in every direction. Logan grunted in annoyance at the treatment and Virgil huffed a laugh. “Come on, let’s go to the bedroom.” He led the smaller boy down the hall, and it wasn’t long before the brothers clambered into the large bed and tugged the purple quilt up around them. “So,” Logan demanded, “who is he?” Virgil laughed and rolled over on his side, looking into Logan’s glasses that reflected the dim light given off by the lamp in the corner. He struggled for a way to start. “Patton is…” He paused, searching for words, “he saved me, honestly. When I first ran away, I had nothing. Nothing but determination and a ridiculous dream. Well, dreams don’t feed you or give you a place to sleep. It was a pretty cold night and I was hunting for food when Patton came across me.” Virgil dropped his gaze and pressed his mouth into a firm line, “If it weren’t for Patton…I don’t know if I would’ve made it.” Logan let this information sink in as he wriggled closer to Virgil’s safety and warmth. “He seems nice.” He finally muttered, twisting his fist in the purple material of the quilt and letting Virgil remove his glasses. Virgil huffed another laugh, “Yeah,” he muttered as he flicked the lamp off and pressed a kiss to Logan’s hair, “he’s pretty awesome.”

[glamrayvision]

Hey yall! I found this fic in my drafts. Not my best,, seeing that I wrote this like forever ago. Thought I'd post.

Summary: It's a pretty normal day for the normal girl with a normal life. But something seems...well...off...

Word count: 1376

"Good morning Tikki!" I say as I get up. Today's the day! I have a bag of Adrien's favorite macaroons and my love letter for him attached.  Today's the day he will know how I feel!

I get all of my stuff together,  eat breakfast, and go to school.

I feel alone. It's like everyone's avoiding me today. Perhaps they're busy. I don't know.  Everywhere I go is pretty empty. Paris appears to be a ghost town. Is there something going on today?

I look at my phone and see the time. Oh, no! I'm gonna be late! Arrggsatyhhgf! Then I'll never be able to give my gift to Adrien!

I run. I run like my life depends on it. My legs carry me fast, and for a second I feel like Ladybug going to the rescue!

The school is in sight! Yes! I'm making it on time!

And nobody's outside?  Maybe my phone is wrong.  I don't know.  Urrg! Must. Make. It. To. Class.

I walk down the halls, wich are empty.  However,  I see that the classrooms are full. Yep. Definitely going to the principals office today.  Fudge!

I enter the classroom. The space greets me with emptiness,  and a sense of fear. Huh?

I sit at my seat, and double check my phone. Did I come here on a Saturday?

Nope. The date and time seem correct. 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa%gggggfddshut!" I scream as I see Alya hiding beneath her seat. My body jumps out and I hit my head against the desk across from mine.

"Aggh, Alya! Don't you know by now not to do that to me?"

She just stares, her cell phone in front of her.

"Are you filming this?"

No reply.

"Hey, where's everyone?  Is there something going on I don't know about?  " I ask her.

She stutters.  "I, um, I-I don't know "

Since when does Alya talk like that? "You ok?"

"Ummmm" she's more than afraid,  I can tell. She's betrayed.

"Alya,  whatever it is, I'll try my best to fix it"

"I don't,  I don't think you can " she says. "Just give up, please. Whatever  it is, it's not worth it"

What!

"Give up on what? "

A tear falls from her eye.

I try to hug her, but she pushes me away and runs.

Does everyone hate me today?  What did I even do?

What can I do to fix it?

Chat Noir crashes through the window.  "I found you, m'lady!"

Wait! Does he know who I am? Why the window!?

He swings his pole at me!

"Chat Noir,  what's going on?"

"Give her back,  Hawkmoth! " he beggs with the fury of a lion protecting his own.

"What!?" I dodge him, and find myself hitting him back.  Darn Ladybug reflexes. 

He knocks me down. I kick him in response. 

Why am I fighting back?  Maybe as Ladybug I could match him, but not as Marinette. 

I feel as if my actions are out of my control. Believe me,  the last thing I want is to hurt my kitty.

My arms shield me from his pole, and as we come face to face, his eyes are desperate and tired.

"Chat Noir,  whatever it is, I'm here!"

Our fight continues.

"Cataclysm! "

He swipes at my earrings,  and I dodge.

There's no way I'm not Ladybug.  My fighting is near-perfect. However,  I don't remember transforming today. 

He's trying to Cataclysm my earrings!

I force him against a whole window and attempt to grab his ring.

My reflection catches me.  In the glass, she's angry and determined,  with a black mask and glowing red spots. She's evil with a purple butterfly blinding her vision and telling her what to do.

She's me.

I'm Akumatized.

"Take his ring!" Hawkmoth naggs me.

"Go ahead " Chat Noir cries in defeat. "I want my Bugaboo back "

Reality crashes in, replacing the fantasy of a normal day, of giving macaroons to the love of my life, of being Ladybug.

I am a villain now. This is my nightmare.

"Silly kitty" I slip off his ring with a smile on my face and a giggle in my throat. 

Adrien takes his place with a flash of green light.

"There's macaroons by my desk, if you want some" my voice is cold.

"Yesssss! Finnally! " Hawkmoth celebrates in my ear.

"Yeah, yeah" I mutter in annoyance.

We agree to meet in an abandoned building outside the city, where no one will see the exchange. 

On my way, I get the strange feeling that something is following me.

I'm the most powerful Akuma! I defeated Chat Noir! I'm not afraid of anyone!

The hair raises on the back of my neck. 

Nothing is following me.

Nothing is following me?

My shadow moves.

Of course it is,  I'm moving!

No, it's not moving with me.

It says things. My shadow speaks.

It speaks in a hundred voices at once,  simultaneously giving me the creaps.

And I recognize some of them.

No. No. No! Shut up!

"Shut up!" I scream at them.

"Ladybug? "

"Ladybug? "

"Ladybug? "

"Ladybug? "

I stop and face my shadow. 

It doubles in size, no, triples, no....

I am powerless now.

It's overtaking me.

I never wanted this!

It grins at me like a possessed shark.

My heart pounds. "Who are you!"

It says nothing; it just stares at me, haunting me,  pumping something either sinister or burning,  I can't tell wich, into my bloodstream. 

I never wanted Lady Misfortune.  I'm afraid of her. I, I can't do this.

By now, the matters of my normal life have faded away from my memory, my crazed mind corrupted by an Akuma and erasing whoever I was before.

All I remember is a mission to serve Hawkmoth and this shadow that keeps following me.

I run.

My stalker chases me, faster than even my powers can make me travel.  I swing on my yoyo and it still flies after me, laughing.

I stop and rest for a moment, panting. 

To my surprise,  I don't see the shadow anymore.

That doesn't mean that horror movie music isn't playing at the back of my mind.

Something rings in my head.

It's Hawkmoth.

"You're late, Lady Misfortune "

"Almost there, sir" I reply. My steps lead me closer and closer to the meeting site.

I feel nauseous. Why do I feel nauseous?

Can I just wake up now, please? Can I wake up?

The answer pounds in my head. I can't end things, now.

I find Hawkmoth in the empty building as promised. The shadows cast through the walls with eerie beams of light crawling through the cracks.  Our figures are masked by the dark.

The shadow. I see it. It's taunting me,  and yet begging me to collapse where I stand. It's darker, much darker than the dim lighting,  like a black hole, but without the halo of light trying to escape.  It's calling me, for some reason.

"Give them to me"

Hawkmoth seems oblivious of the  dark creature.

I remove my earrings.  I am Marinette again,  but my outfit is pitch black and dark red instead of pink.

My footsteps are steady and cautious as I walk to him, unsure if I should complete the deed.

A red tear drips from my eye. My shadow stares me down, judging me.

I'm not afraid of a stupid shadow. 

I hand him the miraculous.

"Thank you" he says before deevilizing me and leaving.

I am alone.

The shadow crawls up my skin and buries itself inside my skull as I weep.

No. I'm not Ladybug.  Not anymore.

What have I done?

"WHATHAVEIDONE!" No one hears me scream.

Claw marks appear on my face, my hands scraping at my skin, trying to find the girl I was yesterday,  the girl who left me the second I was Akumatized.  My hair falls from their pink tails in defeat,  fraying in the mess.

I can't face anyone I knew.

Not Adrien or Alya or any of my friends. Not my parents. Not Tikki or Master Fu.  I don't even want to know what Hawkmoth's doing to Tikki.

And it's all my fault.

I'm not even sure of what drove me to this point.

I have cash in my pocket. I could take a bus somewhere far from here.

Maybe I could just stay here, alone.

Or maybe,  maybe there's a chance I could fix this. Maybe there's a chance I could face Hawkmoth and win.

Who would win? A madman?

Or a girl with nothing to lose?

[callioope]

11 Questions Meme

I was tagged by @letthepeoplesay-oh and @ta-dala -- thanks both of you because I love these! Also I’m just going to combine these into one long post so I cut it so it wouldn’t be ridiculous.

Rules: Answer the questions given to you. Make 11 questions of your own. Tag 11 people.

First set: (letthepeoplesay-oh)

1. If you could have any animal (real or fictional) as a pet, what would it be? My actual dog is pretty awesome, but that’s probably not the point of this question. So I’m going to say a red panda because they are the cutest animal and that’s a fact.

2. What’s your Hogwarts house? (Or your best guess, if you’re not a fan!) I spent all my life thinking I was a Hufflepuff, but Pottermore put me in Ravenclaw.

3. If you could change the smell of rain to any other smell, what would you choose? Ummmm so I can’t actually smell so I don’t really know how to answer this question. Isn’t the smell of rain supposed to be pleasant? 

4. What was your favorite book as a child? Haha well ok. My sister and I always loved to check out There’s a Hippopotamus on Our Roof Eating Cake by Hazel Edwards from the library. I don’t know what we loved about it, maybe that the hippo got up to so many strange activities on a roof? So we recently found it super cheap on Amazon and reread it, and it’s actually kind of creepy? There’s a line where the kid is talking about how they like to watch TV and it goes “He watches. I know he does.” So anyways. We liked a weird book.

5. If the police came to your house to arrest you right now, what crime would they charge you with? Listen, when it comes to cops, I am basically Ben Wyatt. I’m Lawful Good. I’ve refused to jaywalk before. I don’t even know how to answer this. I cannot imagine myself committing a crime.

6. If you could sit on a bench in a beautiful woods, who would you like sitting next to you on the bench and why? My fiance because we always go hiking together and idk there’s no one else I’d rather be with 

7. If you could choose your age forever, what age would you choose and why? I think 27? Idk why it just seems like the sweet spot between feeling young and feeling old? At least for me. 

8. What’s your earliest childhood memory? I used to say it was when I was 3, sitting in our backyard in San Antonio, our neighbor’s ball landed in our backyard and I liked it so I just decided to keep it. But I think that’s more a memory of a memory at this point. So I’m going to go with... I was 4, saw Beauty and the Beast on ice at Hershey Park in PA, would fall asleep listening to the soundtrack.

9. If you could go back in time and change history, what would you change? Everything? There’s too much badness in history, I’m struggling to pick one thing. Maybe stopping Christopher Columbus. I think this would have just delayed the horribleness that was wrought upon the Americas but... maybe if he was stopped, it could have been different. Anyways Orson Scott Card wrote a book about this (Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus. It’s probably problematic (I mean the title sounds kind of problematic); I haven’t read it in years, and Card has a tendency to be problematic. But it certainly was an interesting thought experiment.)

10. If you were to change your name, what name would you adopt going forward? I used to use Fiona as a pen name before I started using Callioope... I guess I also like Abigail. I wanted to use this name for a future kid, but my fiance’s aunt is named Abigail so now we can’t use it. Dumb. Anyways I’ve always felt really lucky that I like my name and wouldn’t want to change it.

11. How do you like to spend a rainy day? Curled up on the couch, hot tea in hand, reading.

Second set: (ta-dala)

1. What is the “craziest” thing you’ve done for the love of something? Well. I went skydiving for my fiance. I have a strong fear of heights, he’d been wanting to do it for years and said he’d prefer to share such a life experience with me (so he wouldn’t go with anyone else). I refused for many years, but this past summer I finally took the leap (har har) and bought a groupon for it for his bday. I actually ended up having a blast, so I’m glad I went, but… I definitely thought it was a thing only crazy people do, before I did it.

2. What is your ultimate bucket-list travel destination? I would have said Efes, but I had the fortune of going there in 2014. (Both my user pic and cover pic are from Efes.) Otherwise there are so many places I want to go that it’s hard to choose just one. Hmmm we didn’t do Pamukkale when we were in Turkey soo maybe that. I mean, basically, ancient ruins are usually at the top of my list. And there are a lot of ancient ruins in Turkey along the southwest coast that we didn’t go to that I want to go back for. Oh and hot air ballooning in Cappadocia!

3. Cats or dogs? Dogs. I have nothing against cats, but I grew up with dogs all my life because my mom was allergic to cats.

4. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be? I mean, right now I’m sleepy and still not quite 100% (but very close) recovered from being sick, soo… being at home, in pjs, on my couch is pretty appealing. But my usual answer to this is somewhere in Turkey, or maybe München. I’d move to München if distance was somehow made negligible by science fiction-esque modes of transportation and thus I wouldn’t be so separated from friends and family.

5. Write me a piece of advise that you’d go back and give to your younger self. Perfection is the enemy of good enough — you don’t even have to be great at something as long as  you try and give it the best you can.

6. Share one sentence of something you’ve written and tell me why you like it. “She discovers him on Endor, eyes dark and far away even after the Death Star disintegrates into fireworks above them, and they spend a night separate from the celebration, their own relief soft and slow and solemn as they reconcile their fears of tomorrow against its new promises.” from “if i wait (will you stay?)”

I enjoyed writing the imagery here; I liked the idea of Jyn and Cassian keeping their celebration of the destruction of the second Death Star private, it’s too deep and personal for them; I liked the alliteration of ‘soft and slow and solemn.’ The victory/beginning of the end of the war would be so charged for them because this is a war they’ve been fighting all their lives and it’d be the first glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel and I think that would terrify them as much as it would excite them.

7. Can you still love/be a fan of something/someone and be critical of a choice or decision? Why or why not? ABSOLUTELY!!! Thank you for this question, this is a good question and one I feel very strongly about. (Look, I’m a fan of A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones, there’s no way I haven’t learned how to take enjoyment from something while still being critical of it.)

I’d argue that maybe you don’t really love something until you’re honest about its faults. That seems a little dramatic to say though. And I don’t want to devalue someone’s love of something because they’re not critical of it. (Also, some things just… are less problematic.)

With my own experience in fandom, I’ve felt more sincerely and honestly connected and engaged with a work once I’ve acknowledged its criticisms. I think it comes about naturally when you pay enough attention to something or analyze it deeply enough. And to some extent (depending on the work), I feel if I wasn’t honest about its faults, there’d be a level of idolization happening that isn’t 100% sincere. Placing works or people on a pedestal is dangerous. Understanding the faults of a person or thing, to me, seems like a more true/sincere/honest understanding of it.

Also, nothing in this world is 100% Perfect and Good. It’s possible for a Thing or Person to both propagate very good, positive, progressive ideas and beliefs and commit mistakes and misunderstandings that aren’t great. In fact, most things in life are probably this way. Open honesty about how something is good and how something is bad is a natural, and I’d say necessary, course for progressing and improving and gaining a better understanding of the world.

8. Rogue One. Dead or alive?  ;) I don’t… I don’t understand this question. What do you mean dead? Why would they be dead? Obviously alive… :P

9. You can only eat one food the rest of your life. What is it? (You really didn’t want to ask me this question. I apologize in advance.)

It’s potatoes. There are so many different ways to cook them. I’m assuming that I’m allowed to cook them in different ways? Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew? I mean, in addition to what Samwise already wisely (heyyy) pointed out, there’s baked potatoes, potatoes au gratin, Hasselback potatoes, roasted potatoes — and so many ways to roast them! You can also make french fries, you can make potato chips. Cream of potato soup. Hash browns! Tater tots! Gnocchi! (I have leftover gnocchi from Maggianos in the fridge and it’s time for dinner and guess what I’m doing when I’m done here. I took a break to eat) And honestly?? I’ve only really covered western cooking for potatoes here. I’ve had potatoes in Indian cuisine that is delicious!! I just can’t remember what any of those dishes were called.

Look, I just googled all the ways you can cook potatoes and the first line of the first link that came up said “the potato is the Mariah Carey of vegetables.” They’re not wrong.

10. Give me your Desert Island Discs list. This was very hard and for the record, these only reflect my tastes as of today.

Records: 

All This and Heaven Too by Florence + the Machine

Sibelius Symphony No. 2 by Jean Sibelius

While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles

(Can I count the end of Abbey Road as one medley? I mean, can I just bring Abbey Road? Only one song? FINE) it’s going to be whatever the best cover of Carry That Weight is with the longest jam session in it, research pending

Night on Bald Mountain by Modest Mussorgsky

Between Two Lungs by Florence + the Machine

Cassiopeia by Sara Bareilles

Howl by Florence + the Machine

On the Radio by Regina Spektor

A Day in the Life by the Beatles

Book of my choice: The Golden Compass. But I was very tempted to take Wicked. Gregory Maguire’s prose is next level it’s so beautiful I just…. But he’s a little darker for me. The Golden Compass has been a solid fave for a long time.

One luxury item… pen and paper?

11. What is your favorite curse word? I’m not really creative when it comes to cursing, I generally just say ‘fuck’ a lot.

My questions:

What was your favorite game to play as a child?

You hear just the first few notes of a song, recognize it instantly, and are filled with joy -- what song is it?

Name any goal you ever set for yourself that you are proud to have accomplished.

If you had to pick a senior yearbook quote today, what would it be?

What would your daemon be? (aka an animal manifestation of your ‘inner self’)

What was the first concert you ever went to?

If you were a city, what city would you be and why?

If you could automate a chore so you wouldn’t ever have to do it anymore, what would it be?

What is something you’ve learned in the past year?

Name a person, real or fictional, that has inspired you and explain how.

What is something anyone can do to make the world around them just a little bit better?

Tagging: @ta-dala (you seemed like you wanted more tags, so tagging you back! :) ), @theputterer, @magalis, @latinaspitfire, @thenewleeland, @estherlyon, @thestarbirdfromtheashes, @jenniferjuni-per, @lustfulpasiphae, @caffeinosis, @imsfire2 (and of course the disclaimer: no pressure/no worries if you don’t want to do it! and apologies if you’ve done it already)

[feymaid]

A Julian/Samaria Drabble

This is for @larknnightingale ‘s Arcana MC Sammie and her nerdy doctor boyfriend Julian! I hope you like it! I ended up getting carried away and I also added a little art for them at the end since I like them so much!

The knock at the door is the first thing that startles her. The sharp rapping stirring her from her otherwise hazy mind. Her thoughts had danced from tomorrow’s stock, to finally dragging herself over to the docks pick up the delivery of Eucalyptus that had been sitting there for far too long. Her hand had been lazily traveling through the tangled strands of her midnight blue hair, before balling into a fist as she recalled her most pressing matter.

Her relationship with Julian. Or rather…what exactly that relationship was. If the doctor and Samaria had anything in common, it was that the both of them were extreme amateurs in the art of subtly. Even when they had first met, it seemed as though her tongue would swell up in her mouth and she became incapable of even the most basic speech. His face would twist into something of a mixture between a frown and a smirk, his eyebrows furrowed quizzically in confusion and fear as both of them stood nearly toe to toe, the evening light reflecting in his eye… She sighed wistfully before groaning and arching her back against the stiffness of her chair.  There was another thing she was certain of, and it was that she was utterly taken with him. Even around the shop she found that her little everyday trinkets reminded her of him. So much so that it made her heart sick with longing and made her wish she could speak words she knew she would never have the courage to utter. The soft patter of the rain speckled across the window like her own little constellations splattering across the sky.

She feels her blood run cold as the knock nearly sends her flying from her seat. Her neck snaps to look over her shoulder at the entrance to her shop. She sits stunned for a moment, blinking back her surprise. It was well past closing hours and Asra said he wouldn’t be back for at least a few more days. When she hesitates, the frantic palm of her visitor bangs fiercely on the wood in several panicked blows. She then jumps up and almost trips over her feet to reach the handle. She looks through the peephole, her heart immediately growing tight at the sight of him.

Doctor Jules, standing there, his eyes wide with need and his arm leaning heavily upon the hinge of the doorframe. He jumps back when she begins to unhitch the locks on the handle. She doesn’t swing it open like he must have expected her to, because his neck cranes to the side when she peeks through the sliver of space between them. She opens the door cautiously, first looking out at him warily, before poking her head out and furrowing her eyebrows. She decides to wait and see if he wants to be invited in.

“Julian?” She breathes, her nails clicking nervously against the wood. His name is the question and he doesn’t need for her to ask her why he’s here.

“Samaria.” He answers with hers, and she opens the door fully to frame her tiny figure. She gazes up at him, his hair is messier and his face is redder than usual, probably due to the bite of the cold.

He takes another step forward and she steps back bashfully. “Oh..ummm.” her voice is light and airy like the wings of a hummingbird. “Would…would you like to come in?” She gently waves her hand to gesture to the inside of her shop and she swallows hard when he doesn’t budge and just furrows his eyebrows at her like he’s spotted something particularly unpleasant about her features.

“Oh! No?” She jumps and pushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear before folding her hands shamefully behind her back. She feels her own cheeks begin to redden. “I-Is there something you needed from me? A place to sleep? Hide? Someone to talk to?”

She is startled when his eyebrows suddenly shift up along with the corners of his lips. A light chuckle escapes him and it’s her turn to furrow her brows. Her eyes widen with obliviousness.

“Oh my dear you are far too entertaining without trying to be.” He hisses through his laughter. She pouts. 

“Well…if you don’t want to come in and you don’t need anything from me,” she swallows again, her hands balling into the sides of her dress. “Then why have you come?”

Julian hugs his torso and brings a gloved hand to his face to cover his lips. “I swear Sam, every time we interact it’s like you’ve never seen me before.” She purses her lips and looks at the floor momentarily to contemplate his reasons for being here this late in the rain while at any moment palace guards could swoop down and drag him to the gallows. Any man wouldn’t be caught within any sort of perimeter of this place. Especially a man with such distinguishable features and boisterous personality. But there he stood, barely sheltered by the tiny ledge the roof cast over to give some sort of sanctuary over the front door.

“We’ve been through so much together,” He spoke with a grin still playing on his lips. He then stepped almost against the line of her, which forced her to angle her neck back so she could meet his eye. “I would have figured you’d have me memorized at this point.” He smirked, daring to run his hand over a long strand of her hair.

“You think i’ve memorized you?” She can’t help but imitate the same cat-like grin he sports.

“You think I haven’t done the same for you?” His grin is lopsided and boyish and her hearts aches in her chest.

“So…tell me the real reason you are here.” She says plainly, her smile soft and playful.

“Care to take a guess?”

“Ummmm..” She raises her eyes to look off in mock confusion. He tilts his head to the side in curiosity and waits for her to say something. She smiles again. “You’ve come to offer yourself up as my own personal doctor?”

“Is that what you’d like?” His voice dancing on the edge of something dangerous.

“Pfffffttt. No.” Her face reddens and her composure is lost. “I give up.”

“Pity, and I felt as if you were about to reveal all of my deepest darkest desires for wanting to see you again.”

“Wha-”

“Better yet, why don’t we discuss your deepest darkest desires for you wanting to see me again?”

“I…umm?”

“Here, I’ll start. I wanted to see you because I couldn’t sleep and the only image that kept coming to mind was you, and I thought to solve that problem, I should just seek out the source.”

“I…I’m a problem?”

“Hardly! You are the reason my life continues to exist in utter bliss rather than unbearable agony, you know. You give yourself far too little credit.”

She blinks as her sleep-deprived brain tries to wrap around his riddles. “Julian…I don’t-”

“Hush now, it’s your turn.”

“My turn? Why I wanted to see you?”

“You opened the door did you not?”

She rolls her eyes and smiles despite his strange teasing.

“What if…I said something selfish?”

“You think what I said wasn’t?” He laughs again. “And besides… You are one of the most selfless people I know.”

She ignored the compliment even as her own heartbeat seemed to drown out her voice. He had come here with every intention of having this conversation they both knew was inevitable, and he was making a game out of it. Probably due to his own fear of her feelings for him being a trick of his mind. It dawned on her his true intentions of him being here. He was trying to confess in his own painfully riddled manner. But she knew his courage was lacking in the way the corners of his mouth twitched with unease and he rocked back and forth on the soles of his heels. She knew he would stand here for hours talking about anything rather than what he wanted to, waiting for her to give him a signal, any sign that she understood how he felt. Maybe he was right about her memorizing him. Her own boldness pushing her forward, even as her confidence wore thin on her tongue.

“I know we have a strange history and what i’m about to say is weird and stupid and you might think me foolish forever and you will think i’m selfish and I probably shouldn’t be doing this but I just thought that-” She watched as his expression shifted from his cheeky grin to one that exhibited real fear in his realization of her seriousness. He placed a finger on her lips to silence her. He nodded and smiled. She felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“S-sorry.” She said meekly. He looked at her expectantly, even as his own face flushed red.

“What I mean to say is….” She paused. She wasn’t going to waste her time with I admire you and I like you and I think you are oh so attractive. She just had to say it like she had wanted to for the past several weeks. She could just kiss him. That would get her point across. But she knew It’d be sloppy and awkward if she just kissed him now with no way to be sure he would lean down to meet her halfway. If she were lucky she’d graze his chin. She pushed the mental image of that away and shook her head. She took a deep breath spoke with an authority in her voice she hadn’t known was there.

“Julian I know I’m selfish for saying this but…I like…I mean…I mean!” She huffed and balled her trembling hands into fists. “I love you!” She stammered, not daring to look at his face and then quickly added, “ And I was hoping that maybe you might love me too.” As soon as the words left her mouth she wanted to suck them back in. Julian stood frozen, his mouth almost gaping, his light grey eye blinked. Darting frantically across her face, trying to find something to hold onto. She looked back up at him and didn’t break his eye contact. She was ready for whatever he had to offer.

He leaned over her, ready to tilt her head up and finally solve what had been troubling the both of them for so long. His lips parted and her’s echoed the movement, her eyes half lidded as his hand moved to cup the underside of her chin.  “Samaria…” He murmured. He grabbed her hands softly and ran his thumb over her shaking fingers. He was warm as he inched his face closer down towards hers. It was at this moment she saw the desperation in his eyes. That every inch of him had been screaming that he wanted this as much as she had. He looked at he as if he asking her if she was okay with this, if she truly was willing to love him. His thumb dragged across her cheek in long, gentle strokes and she nearly sighed into his touch as his hand moved to swipe across her bottom lip.

“Sam…may I kiss you?”

Sammie thought her heart might burst completely out of her chest, but in his advancements, she found herself shudder.

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

He reached up and gently touched her face, his fingertips trailing down her cheek, across her lips, and over her chin. His palm rested there, keeping her face pointed up at him, his eyes drifting across the moonlit skin on her face, her long lashes that fluttered in anticipation, her full lips, pink and parted, her eyes, as dark and beautiful as the sea.  

He was analyzing her appearance as one might admire a precious gem, soaking in the sight of her like one would a painting. His look alone had the power to render her head light and her heart racing.

“W-well…what are you waiting for?” She stammered boldly not believing her own words, feeling completely bare under his unwavering gaze.

His thumb gently stroked under her jaw.

Her hands smoothed his shirt, palms pressed flat against his chest, feeling for herself if his heart was beating just as fast as hers. “Kiss me.” She whispered, her eyelids half closed.  

He leaned forward, gently tilting her jaw as his lips hovered over hers, grazing them gently before sucking in a final breath. Then he moved to hold both the sides of her face in his hands; pressing his lips firmly against hers, warm and soft and perfect.

Her body was trembling beneath his palms. His hand skimmed along the line of her neck, coming to a stop at the back of her head, his fingers sinking into her soft, dark locks.

She lifted her heels up on to her tiptoes, pressing her lips just slightly harder against his, parting slightly to encourage more.

He took her cue, curling his fingers into her hair as he tilted his head and slowly moved his lips against hers.

She made a small sound, like like cooing of a dove, her lips moving to match his. Neither of them pressing the other further than what was desired.

Gently pulling away, he moved just far enough to break his lips from hers, noses bumping against each other. She had to fight to not move her hand and press her fingers against her freshly kissed lips. 

“Thank goodness you have some nerve or else we would have been playing charades for the rest of the night.” He breathed heavily, his smile returning, still within a few inches of kissing her again. He stared at her with more adoration that she thought she was capable of causing, and again her heart swelled.“ I love you as well Samaria.”

She sighed deeply, and felt her lips begin to stretch into a cheeky grin before she heard a familiar voice from behind them.

“Sammie?”

Julian shot up like he had been about to press his face into a pile of hot coals. Samaria let out an audible gasp at the sight of her master. Only moments before she had been practically intertwined with Julian. How much had he seen?

“Asra.” She breathed, “What are you doing back so early?” She asked as kindly as her panicked heart would allow.

“I…just thought…I’d surprise you.” His voice was empty and soft, his eyes shining with what she might have imagined as tears. 

It made her want to curl up into a ball on the floor.

“Asra…I’m...” She whispered but Julian placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her from walking towards him.

He then moved to take her hand and held it firmly in his grasp, staring at Asra like he was a challenge to overcome instead of someone she considered to be a very dear friend.

“Asra.” Julian spoke, hard and emotionless, looking nearly unfazed as he started him down.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” Was all Asra managed before turning away from them. Julian squeezed her hand to comfort her and she squeezed back. It still hurt but having him there eased the small voice in her that told her to go after him. She knew where she belonged.

[stawscweam]

The Ultimate Stand Bang List-REDONE

Here’s the complete list of Stands I would and would not bang. I used the wiki, so the list is divided in the 6 parts that have Stands. Enjoy. And stop fucking asking me who I’ll bang damn it. EDIT: Nope. Now I will bang every Stand. No exceptions. Don’t care.

EDIT EDIT: fdsalkfjsalf i deleted Standalous, so this post was lost. But never fear, I am here with the repost! I’ll add any new Stands in Jojolion when I get caught up (WHENEVER THAT WILL BE UGH SO MUCH TO DO)

Honorary Stand

KRISTOFFS-BIZARRE-ADVENTURE

Pros: Hilarious, sweet, and has a hot bod B)

Bang?: YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I WOULD, WOULD BANG

Stardust Crusaders:

Star Platinum          

Pros: Hot, strong, precise, he might actually “ORAORAORA” during the do, wouldn’t that be great?

Bang?: Would bang

Hermit Purple

Pros: Bondage

Cons: Thorns

Bang?: I mean, I don’t think you can bang vines but you can use them during the act sooooo? Yeah would bang?

Magician’s Red

Pros: Hot (Like no he’s actually hot, he’s a fire chicken c’mon very warm), strong

Cons: Beak face (can’t kiss), feathers, probably get burned I don’t know

Bang?: Ye, would bang

Hierophant Green

Pros: Tentacles, bondage

Cons: Tentacles, no proper mouth so can’t kiss

Bang?: Yeah would bang

Silver Chariot

Pros: Quick and precise

Cons: He’s probably really cold unless he takes his armor off but still

Bang?: Yeah would bang he’s such a cutie

The Fool

Cons: Sand

Bang?: Would bang

Tower of Gray

Cons: It’s a beetle

Bang?: Fuck no would not bang do you want to bang a beetle I don’t fucking think so, next EDIT: NOPE. WOULD BANG A BEETLE

Dark Blue Moon      

Cons: Razor scales (like ouch?), barnacles (no thank you), no proper mouth, I mean doesn’t he really only work super well in the water so like you’ll probably have to be underwater to do that and just like no EDIT: How about yes!? Underwater sex is kinky as fuck

Bang?: Would bang

Strength

Cons: It’s a fucking ship

Bang?: I’m not banging a fucking ship, would not bang EDIT: I WOULD SO FUCK A SHIP HELL YEAH

Ebony Devil  

Cons: It’s like a puppet doll thing, besides hate sex ain’t my thing EDIT: Now it is

Bang?: Would bang

Yellow Temperance

Cons: It’s like…yellow goop and it eats you basically, I mean you could bang it I guess but like I wouldn’t recommend it?

Bang?: Like no, would not bang EDIT: Like yes, would so bang

Emperor

Pros: I mean, since it can home in on things, but like that’s a bullet homing in inside of you ummmm no?

Cons: It’s a gun

Bang?: I mean you could shove it up your butt, but like personally no, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG, I’M SHOVING A GUN UP MY BUTT AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME

Hanged Man

Pros: Yay finally a humanoid-ish Stand!

Cons: But it’s a mummy, and like can it only fuck you through your reflection or what??

Bang?: Would not bang EDIT: MIRROR SEX IS IN. WOULD BANG.

Empress

Cons: How would this even work?, like first you need the blood of the user to fall on you and then the Stand grows but like it’s not a separate entity since it’s trying to absorb you on your body and no. No.

Bang?: Would not bang EDIT: I’LL MAKE IT WORK, WOULD BANG

Wheel of Fortune    

Cons: It’s a fucking car

Bang?: I’m not going to bang a fucking car, would not bang EDIT: NOPE. GONNA BANG A CAR, GOODBYE

Justice

Pros: Humanoid-ish Stand again!

Cons: Too bad it’s a skeleton, a fog skeleton

Bang?: I’ll pass, would not bang, but it’s a very attractive skeleton (don’t ask me how this is possible) EDIT: I WOULD BANG A FOG SKELETON, DON’T CARE

Lovers

Cons: It’s a fucking robot mosquito

Bang?: I’m not banging a fucking robot mosquito, would not bang bye EDIT: HELLO, ROBOT MOSQUITOS ARE HOT, WOULD BANG, NO QUESTIONS

Sun    

Cons: JUST FUCK A REPLICA OF THE SUN. JUST DO IT.

Bang?: Would not bang, EDIT: HOTTEST STAND THERE IS, YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I’M BANGING THE SUN B)

Death Thirteen

Bang?: Would not bang, nope let’s continue bye EDIT: CLOWN SHINIGAMI UP IN THIS BITCH!? FUUUUUUUCK YEAH LET’S GOOOOO, WOULD BANG

Judgement

Bang?: Just no, I’m not going to bang a genie type Stand, I’m just not, probably try to kill me during the whole thing nah man, would not bang, HELL 2 U EDIT: NAH WOULD BANG

High Priestess          

Cons: It’s basically a mask with arms and hard as diamond teeth, that’s a big no for me

Bang?: Would not bang EDIT: THAT’S A BIG YES FOR ME, KINKY AS SHIT, WOULD BANG

Geb    

Cons: It’s water?

Bang?: Would not bang, I mean you could maybe I don’t really know but I wouldn’t? EDIT: I’m going to fuck water

Khnum          

Cons: How would this even work? You’ll basically have to bang Oingo and sure he could transform into somebody else or whatever but no

Bang?: Nah, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG

Tohth

Cons: It’s a fucking book

Bang?: No man, would not bang EDIT: IM FUCKING A BOOK

Anubis          

Pros: Human booooooooodeh!

Cons: Jackal head, welp can’t win em all

Bang?: Would bang, hey at this point I’m desperate

Bastet

Cons: It’s an outlet

Bang?: Would BANG

Sethan

Cons: It’s a shadow and it can quickly de-age you, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, how would you even fuck a shadow, how would you go about that?

Bang?: WOULD NOT BANG, I do not recommend this Stand EDIT: FUCK THAT, I RECOMMEND IT. WOULD BANG YEAH

Osiris

Pros: Fairly attractive

Cons: Lower half is basically mist so perhaps no “you know” to “you know” but who knows? Maybe he can materialise a lower half, dunno

Bang?: Would bang, as long as I don’t lose a bet I’m good so fuck it let’s do it

Horus

Bang?: Would bang

Atum  

Pros: Fairly attractive, a lower half (which really just makes me think Osiris can form it, so hell yeah)

Bang?: Would bang

Tenore Sax    

Cons: It just like creates illusions man

Bang?: Would BANG, DON’T KNOW HOW BUT YE

Cream

Pros: Big, hot (for a monster, please lower your standards if you’re even still reading this omg bless your soul)

Bang?: Would bang, hell yeah

The World

PROS: HERE HE FUCKING IS, JFC, BIG, STRONG, HOT AS FUCK, ALL OTHER STANDS SIT DOWN, YOU AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON THE WORLD

Bang?: HE CAN FUCK ME ALL NIGHT LONG, ALL DAY LONG, OH MY GOD YES, WOULD BANG, WOULD FUCKING BANG

Diamond Is Unbreakable:

Crazy Diamond

Pros: Big, strong, hot, he can basically heal you if things get a little too rough I mean what

Bang?: Oh fuck yeah, would bang

The Hand

Pros: Big, strong, fairly attractive for a Stand

Bang?: Would bang

Echoes

Pros: Act 3 would probably be really vocal, so that could be fun

Cons: Act 1 and 2 aren’t all that human-like so

Bang?: Would bang Act 3

Heaven’s Door

Pros: Could probably read how you like it and stuff, he’s cute

Bang?: Would bang

Aqua Necklace

Cons: I mean it has a humanoid figure but it’s still like liquid

Bang?: Would bang

Bad Company

Pros: I’m sure I can find an army of little men useful in some way *wiggles eyebrows*

Cons: They’re little men so you can’t really bang em??

Bang?: Would bang, I can think of uses for them so

Red Hot Chili Pepper

Cons: Pretty fucking ugly, no proper mouth

Bang?: Would not bang, I mean you can but I won’t EDIT: I WILL. WOULD BANG

The Lock

Cons: It’s basically a fucking lock?

Bang?: Um no?, would not bang EDIT: UM YES? WOULD BANG A LOCK

Surface

Pros: Okay but like you could have it mimic yourself, you could literally fuck yourself, you could let it mimic somebody else and unlike Oingo’s, you’ll be fucking the Stand not the user! How great is that!?!?!?!?!?!?

Bang?: HELL YEAH, would bang

Love Deluxe

Cons: Uhh it’s hair

Bang?: I’m not fucking hair, would not bang EDIT: IM FUCKING HAIR, IT’S DONE

Pearl Jam

Pros: Okay but get this what if you’re giving Tonio head and you swallow and he has his Pearl Jam inside his “stuff”, it could like cure you of whatever ailment you have, right? Man I don’t know but think about it, or what if you’re eating out somebody? I mean just think about it, that’s all I’m asking

Cons: They’re like little cute tomato onion things?

Bang?: Would bang, the uses are there just think on it okay

Ratt

Bang?: Would not bang EDIT: STILL WOULD NOT BANG

Harvest

Bang?: Would not bang, man hell no I’m not even going to put thought into this one (Sorry I really don’t like this Stand, I don’t even know why) EDIT: ACTUALLY YEAH I STILL REALLY HATE THIS STAND SO NO, STILL WOULD NOT BANG

Cinderella

Pros: She’s pretty

Cons: But no proper mouth

Bang?: Sure, would bang

Boy II Man

Pros: Kind of attractive I guess

Cons: No proper mouth

Bang?: Would bang

Highway Star

Pros: Mmmmmm hot body, proper mouth!!!, fairly attractive

Bang?: Would bang

Super Fly

Cons: It’s a fucking telephone tower man

Bang?: Man no, would not bang, get outta here EDIT: HELLLLLLLLL YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, FUCKING A TOWER IS EASIER THAN FUCKING A SHIP, GET OUTTA HERE MYSELF, WOULD BANG

Enigma

Pros: Pretty attractive actually, nice body

Cons: No proper mouth

Bang?: I mean yeah why not, would bang

Cheap Trick

Bang?: Fuck off no, would not bang EDIT: FUCK YEAH WOULD BANG

Atom Heart Father

Bang?: EWWWWWWW NOOOOOOOOO, would not bang EDIT: EWWWWWW YEEEEESSSSSS, WOULD BANG

Stray Cat

Bang?: Would not bang, WHO THE FUCK WOULD BANG A PLANT CAT? EDIT: I FUCKING WOULD???? WOULD BANG

Killer Queen

PROS: HERE’S THE MAIN BAE, AHHHH FUCKING YEAH, FUCKING HOT AS SHIT, THIGHS, ABS, MUSCULAR, HE’S A KITTY, BEAUTIFUL EYES, I COULD GO ON

Bang?: OH FUCKING HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER LET’S GO, WOULD BANG, WOULD FUCKING BANG, new meaning to “Sex Bomb” AMIRITE!?

Vento Aureo:

Gold Experience

Pros: He’s a wittle cutie pie and has a nice wittle bod (I don’t know why I’m babying him, I just really love GE), okay but with his powers, I’m pretty sure you would have the best orgasm of your life (hah) if he hits you with his life powers, since your senses are heightened, just think about it alright

Bang?: Hell yeah, would bang

Sticky Fingers

Pros: Hot, nice body, *unzips dick*

Bang?: Oh yeah, would bang

Aerosmith

Cons: It’s a fucking toy airplane

Bang?: I’m fucking a toy airplane, would bang

Moody Blues

Pros: He’s pretty fucking hot to be honest with you guys, probably could relive past bangs with his rebroadcasting ability, I mean I’m just saying

Cons: No proper mouth tho, such a shame

Bang?: Would bang

Sex Pistols

Bang?: WOULD NOT BANG, they’re my precious little babies I could never!!! Nooooooooo!!!!, I mean I can think of some uses for them BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO EDIT: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WOULD BANG

Purple Haze

Pros: Fuuuuuuuuck PH is so fucking attractive all around, probably crazy in bed too mmm

Cons: His mouth is like stitched up but I find that hot too, BUT UHM HIS VIRUS???????, but with PH Distortion I guess this can be avoided since the viruses like eat each other?? But still would be scared to, but it would be worth it in the end (at least for me anyway)

Bang?: Would bang, probably die in the end, but oh man so fucking worth it just look at him

Spice Girl

Pros: She’s so beautiful oh my gooooooooood

Bang?: Please yes, would bang, definitely

Black Sabbath

Pros: He has a mouth and everything I guess

Cons: But he’s not really all that attractive

Bang?: Uhm, I’ll just say no, would not bang EDIT: MMMMMMMM YES WOULD BANG

Soft Machine

Pros: Pretty attractive

Cons: No proper mouth man

Bang?: Yeah, would bang, I wonder how you could use his deflating ability in a kinky way hmm

Kraft Work

Cons: Kind of scary tbh

Bang?: Nah, would not bang EDIT: YAH, WOULD BANG

Little Feet

Cons: Really scary looking

Bang?: No thank you, would not bang, but I can think of some uses for that shrinking power let me tell you EDIT: yes thank you, would bang

Man in the Mirror

Pros: Loving the shades holy shit, that’s hot

Cons: No proper mouth :[

Bang?: Yeah, would bang

Mr. President

Bang?: I’M NOT FUCKING A TURTLE, GET OUT, WOULD NOT BANG EDIT: WELL YEAH STILL WOULD NOT BANG

The Grateful Dead

Pros: Tentacles?

Cons: I mean, if you’re doing the frick frack with him and his whole power depends on body heat and like nooooooooo, do the “thing” and you’ll age hella fast nooooo would not recommend

Bang?: Noooooooo, would not bang EDIT: PLEASE YES WOULD BANG

Beach Boy

Cons: Ehm, it’s a fishing rod

Bang?: I personally would not bang, but hey each to their own, shove it up somewhere man I don’t know EDIT: I’M SHOVING IT UP MY SOMEWHERE ALRIGHT, WOULD BANG

Baby Face

Pros/Cons: To be honest, it just depends on who the mother is since he gets his personality from her, but hey he’s cute so

Bang?: Why not, would bang

White Album

Cons: Ghiaccio wore it, so???????? I mean? I don’t really know?

Bang?: I’m not sure? I would love to bang Ghiaccio but this is a Stand bang list damn it so uhhhh????????, would bang?

Clash

Bang?: I’m not fucking a fish shark thing, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG

Talking Head

Bang?: Ewww no, would not bang, how would that even work EDIT: I DON’T KNOW BUT WOULD BANG

Notorious B.I.G.

Bang?: Noooooooooooooooooooo, would not bang, again how would this even work it’s like a fucking creature thing like no and it like attacks things that move so if you try to bang it might kill you??? or like I don’t even know just no EDIT: IM FUCKING B.I.G.

Metallica

Bang?: I love this Stand so much, but NOPE, WOULD NOT BANG, HOW EVEN WORK, DUNNO, DON’T WANNA KNOW, I’M NOT REALLY INTO BLOOD PLAY???, NEXT EDIT: FUCKING THEM, WOULD BANG

Green Day

Cons: Kinda creepy looking and like mold???? No thank you

Bang?: Would bang EDIT: B)

Oasis

Cons: Again Secco wears it so uhhh????

Bang?: No, would not bang, not even the user hell no EDIT: WOULD BANG, still not the user tho

Chariot Requiem

Pros: He’s really cool looking

Bang?: I mean why not man, would bang

Gold Experience Requiem

Pros: Mmmm fuck me GER, he’s so hot

Bang?: You fucking know it, would bang

Rolling Stones

Cons: It’s like a fucking rock what the fuck would you even do with it

Bang?: No, would not bang EDIT: FUCKING A ROCK LET’S GO, WOULD BANG

King Crimson

PROS: *FANS SELF*, OH FUCK, HERE HE IS, OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVENS, HE’S SO HOT, HE’S JUST SO FUCKING HOT, HIS BODY, HIS TWO FACES (PERPETUALLY PISSED OFF), HIS CALVES, I LOVE KC’S LEGS SO MUCH YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

BANG?: FUCKING HELL YES YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOOOOOOOW, WOULD BANG, WOULD FUCKING BANG

Stone Ocean:

Stone Free

Pros: HER SHAAAAAAAADES, she’s so fucking beautiful, also bondage

Bang?: Fuck yes, would bang

Kiss

Pros: She’s fucking hot bruh

Bang?: Yuh, would bang

Burning Down the House

Cons: Isn’t it a fucking room??

Bang?: I mean I guess you could bang inside the room, maybe on top of the piano and shit but no, would not bang? EDIT: WOULD BANG

Foo Fighters

Bang?: FF is basically sentient plankton and I love her, but no, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG FF

Weather Report

Pros: He’s so fucking cute

Cons: No proper mouth

Bang?: Yessssssss, would bang

Diver Down

Pros: I love Double D, he’s so cute!!!

Cons: Again no proper mouth

Bang?: Yup, would bang

Goo Goo Dolls

Cons: Creepy as shit

Bang?: Noooo, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG

Manhattan Transfer

Cons: It’s a fucking thing! I don’t what to call it but it’s a thing!

Bang?: It’s a fucking thing I don’t know! No, would not bang! I don’t even know what it is! Love the user tho EDIT: I’M FUCKING A THING, WOULD BANG

Highway to Hell

Bang?: Would not bang, how even EDIT: I DUNNO BUT WOULD BANG

Marilyn Manson

Pros: Humanoid body

Cons: Kinda ugly tho, no proper mouth

Bang?: Nah, would not bang EDIT: YAH, WOULD BANG

Jumpin’ Jack Flash

Cons: Isn’t it a fucking suit thing too???

Bang?: Would bang

Limp Bizkit

Cons: It’s basically just an ability, no physical form

Bang?: No, I would have to fuck an invisible corpse, like jfc I’ll pass thank you, would not bang EDIT: WELL. YEAH IT IS AN ABILITY. SO���YEAH NO.

Survivor

Cons: It’s a fucking thing as well!!!!

Bang?: NO! It would just turn the sex extremely violent and someone will end up dead or something, I do not recommend this Stand, would not bang EDIT: FUCK IT, WOULD BANG. DEATH BY BANGING

Planet Waves

Pros: Pretty hot

Cons: Face kinda ugly tho

Bang?: Yeah, would bang

Dragon’s Dream

Bang?: Would not bang, just…no bye EDIT: YES HELLO, WOULD BANG

Yo-Yo Ma

Bang?: Nah he ugly, would bang EDIT: B)

Green, Green Grass of Home

Cons: You wouldn’t even be able to approach him???

Bang?: How!? Would not bang, even if he didn’t activate his power still would not bang, he’s creepy looking, love the Stand tho EDIT: BEING CREEPY IS A TURN ON, WOULD BANG

Jail House Lock

Cons: Ugly as fuck bruh

Bang?: Nah son, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG

Bohemian Rhapsody

Bang?: I mean, it can bring characters to life but you’re fated to what their story is and just nooooooo thank you, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG, HELLO? EVER HEARD OF ROLEPLAYING!?!?!??

Sky High

Cons: It’s a fucking beetle and rods ewwwww

Bang?: No, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG, if i can bang a robot mosquito i can bang anything

Under World

Pros: Pretty cute

Cons: No proper mouth

Bang?: I guess, would bang

Whitesnake

PROS: OH FUCK ME, THERE HE FUCKING IS, OH GOD, OH GOOOOOOOD, HE’S SO FUCKING HOT THO, EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IS SO ATTRACTIVE, HIS BODY, HIS VOICE, HIS PERSONALITY, UGH, UGGGGGGHHHHHHH I’M FUCKING BLUSHING HOLY SHIT

BANG?: PFFFFFT NO SHIT SHERLOCK, PUT ME IN A THREESOME WITH THE WORLD AND WHITESNAKE, FUCKING DO IT, WOULD BANG, WOULD FUCKING BANG

C-Moon

PROS: MMMMMMM I FIND C-MOON SO ATTRACTIVE I’M SO SORRY

BANG?: PLEASE YES FUCK ME PLEASE, WOULD BANG, WOULD FUCKING BANG

Made in Heaven

PROS: HE’S PRETTY FUCKING CUTE I WON’T LIE

CONS: HIS LOWER HALF IS A HORSE HEAD AND LEGS??????

BANG?: I MEAN, NO, BUT HE’S STILL ONE OF MY FAVOURITE STANDS, BUT NO, WOULD NOT BANG EDIT: SHUT THE FUCK UP. I WOULD SO BANG MIH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT, WOULD FUCKING BANG

Steel Ball Run (EDIT: Actually SBR Stands are so different so most of these won’t be edited):

Scan

Bang?: Uh. How would this even…no, would not bang

Ball Breaker

Bang?: *scratches head* No, would not bang

Tusk

Bang?: I find all Acts of Tusk extremely adorable, but no would not bang any of them EDIT: UHM. YES WOULD BANG ALL OF THEM BYE

Ticket to Ride

Bang?: It’s not really a Stand like the others with a physical form like Star Platinum or something you wear like White Album, so would not bang, SBR is being difficult oh my god

Cream Starter

Cons: It’s a fucking spray can?

Bang?: Would not bang a fucking spray can

Oh! Lonesome Me

Cons: SBR hates me. It’s not like fucking ugh it just allows Tim to separate his body parts with rope and shit man, no physical form

Bang?: Nooooooo, would not bang, can’t bang??? Would bang Tim tho but like he’s not a Stand

Hey Ya!

Cons: Ugly and creepy looking but thank you for being a Stand I can comprehend banging!

Bang?: Would not bang

Boku no Rhythm wo Kiitekure

Bang?: It was like little time bombs with pins and shit man, no, would not bang, damn it SBR

20th Century Boy

Bang?: *bangs head against desk* Again, you like wear it? Soooooo???? Would not bang

Wired

Bang?: Hooks man, no man, just no. Would not bang

Mandom

Pros: I mean, he doesn’t really have a face but he’s cute in his own way

Cons: I mean, he doesn’t really have a face? Or a body?

Bang?: I mean, how would even bang him? Would not bang?

Catch the Rainbow

Cons: It’s a mask

Bang?: No, it’s a mask. Would not bang

Tubular Bells  

Bang?: It’s more of an ability than anything, no physical form a fucking again so no, would not bang, c’mon SBR be nice to me

Scary Monsters

Bang?: I AM NOT BANGING DINOSAURS, NO, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, BYE, BYEEEEEEEE, WOULD NOT BANG, WOULD NOT RECOMMEND, MOVING ON

In a Silent Way

Cons: Creeps me the fuck out

Bang?: Naaaaaah, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG

Tomb of the Boom

Bang?: Nah fuck that it ugly looking, would not bang, next

Tatoo You!

Bang?: Would not bang

Sugar Mountain

Cons: FUCK A TREE. JUST FUCKING DO IT. GO AHEAD.

Bang?: Would not bang EDIT: I’M FUCKING A TREE

Civil War

Pros: Humanoid figure!

Cons: Scary looking tho

Bang?: Would not bang

Chocolate Disco

Cons: Uh. It’s like arm grid thing.

Bang?: Uh. No. Would not bang

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

PROS: ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL FUCKING RIIIIIIIIGHT, HERE HE IS, HERE HE FUCKING IS, THE ONE AND ONLY BUNNY, SO HOT, SO GODDAMN HOT, AND HIS BUNNY EARS JUST LOOK AT EM, AND A NICE FUCKING BOD, could probably have an orgy with the user too if you want since parallel worlds and what not

CONS: NO PROPER MOUTH THO

BANG?: YA DARN FUCKING RIGHT, WOULD BANG, WOULD FUCKING BANG

JoJolion:

Soft & Wet

Pros: S&W is actually the cutest fucking thing, look at him, precious baby!!!! He has a great butt too

Cons: Poor baby has no proper mouth

Bang?: Totes, would bang, pretty sure you could come up with some kinky stuff with his ability to temporary take something away too

Fun Fun Fun

Bang?: No man, would not bang EDIT: YES MAN, WOULD BANG

California King Bed

Pros: Pretty cute

Cons: Uhhh no proper body

Bang?: Nah man, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG

Paisley Park

Pros: She’s pretty cute too

Cons: No proper mouth, a shame

Bang?: Sure, would bang

Born This Way

Pros: Humanoid figure

Cons: Ugly

Bang?: Would bang EDIT: B)

Les Feuilles

Bang?: Fucking eww no, would not bang EDIT: WOULD BANG, KINKY

Nut King Call

Pros: Humanoid figure!

Cons: Ugly!

Bang?: Would not bang, but I love the Stand EDIT: SHUT UP, WOULD BANG

Paper Moon King

Cons: FUCK ORIGAMI. FUCK YEAH.

Bang?: Would bang EDIT: FUCKING ORIGAMI B)

I Am a Rock

Pros: Okay but what if he uses his selective attraction on his own spiked dick or something and hits your sweet spot or whatever without fail as y’all are doing “the thing”, tbh I’m just spouting shit because I’m pretty sure nobody has read now this far

Cons: Those spikes look like they’ll be painful man

Bang?: Love the Stand, love the user, but would not bang EDIT: BE QUIET, WOULD BANG

King Nothing

Pros: Pretty cute actually

Cons: No proper mouth and…puzzle pieces

Bang?: I don’t think it would be comfortable? Would not bang? EDIT: BEING COMFORTABLE IS FOR CHUMPS, WOULD BANG

—

I’M FUCKING DONE I’M GOING TO CRY THIS TOOK TOO LONG OH MY GOD

[mistral-golem]

The Search

This is the continuation of the response to a hatchling letter sent by Dewdrop of the Garigill Clan. (Read part one here) @ashpinewidow owns Dewdrop and her mother, Lan. Ogun hails from @tirnaillclan​! I won him in their giveaway :3c Veriphon hails from @theclanofeffort​!

Ogun and Veriphon had been exiting the larder, planning on making their way to the tea house to relax after a long hunt, when they were stopped by a frantic Artorius and Sianadh. Before they could even ask what was wrong, Artorius told them the whole story about the letter he had received and the danger his family was in. After hearing his plight, there was no way Ogun and Veriphon could turn down Artorius’ request to have them help track Lan down.

“Of course we will help you! We can leave right now before it gets too dark out. Do you know which path she may have set out on?” Ogun spoke quickly, the urgency of the situation reflected in the tone of his voice. A look of relief washed over Artorius’ face, “Thank you!! Oh thank you so much! I fear this will be a long journey, we should make sure to gather suppli-” “No need! We can find everything we need in the wild, stopping to get supplies now would just waste what precious little time we have! Quickly! Take us to where she left so we can find her before she reaches her clan!” Veriphon interrupted. Artorius, unaccustomed to being talked to so rudely, stared at the Mirror for a moment with a look of disdain. This was short-lived however, as Artorius realized that Veriphon was right and this was no time to start an argument. “Okay, follow me. I will take you to where she left.” the Pearlcatcher said, and the group of four headed to the eastern border of Windsong Haven, towards the Ashfall Waste.

The edges of the sky began burning a soft orange and pink when the group reached the border between the Windswept Plateau and the Ashfall Waste, signaling that the night would soon be upon them. “Th… this where she left me… sh… she said she was lo… looking forward to an ea… easy journey through the Ember… Emberglow Hearth.” Artorius’ struggled to speak, tears welling up in his eyes. Being in the place where he may have seen his mate for the very last time was almost too much for him to bear. “Come on, old silverscale, we don’t have time for your blubbering while mother is in danger!!!” Sianadh shouted at his father before rushing off into the Emberglow Hearth. Before he got too far away, Veriphon awkwardly shouted after him, “Ummmm… actually it’s THIS way!” Sianadh turned abruptly to see his companion pointing in a more northerly direction, where a very faint set of pearlcatcher prints could be seen trailing off in the direction of the Shifting Expanse. Saying nothing, and looking quite sheepish, Sianadh trotted back towards the others and followed as Veriphon and Ogun led the way.

It was fairly easy to track Lan’s path through the Emberglow Hearth, they merely had to look for her paw prints that were left behind in the freshly cooled lava. In areas of older lava, they were able to track her by seeing where she had picked her favorite flowers, speckled tiger lilies, leaving some leaves and stems behind. Luckily for them, her love of flowers made it easy to figure out where she had been.

By the time they reached the Shifting Expanse, night had fallen. Luckily for the group, however, the stars and moon illuminated the silvery sand of the expanse quite well. It did prove to be a little more difficult to follow Lan’s path though, as any prints that had been left by her were swept away by the wind across the sand. The group managed to pick up her trail after Ogun spotted little bits of blood soaked into the parched ground. It seemed that Lan had injured herself while trying to pick a flower from the top of a cactus. The blood trail didn’t last too long, but soon after it ran out they came across several bits of cactus drained of their juices, resting in the sand. The group concluded that this was the work of Lan, she had to have been getting thirsty in the heat of the desert and the cacti were a great source of fluids.

The group reached the Sunbeam Ruins as the night began to fade. They were all feeling disheartened that they had not caught up with Lan yet though. Artorius and Sianadh were starting to get frantic at this point, and their panicking caused several delays as they set off on a few false trails among the ruins. At long last, Ogun and Veriphon were able to help them get back on track and make it to the Viridian Labyrinth just as the sky began to blush with the faintest hints of dawn. This is where the Mirrors’ skills as trackers would truly come in handy. Ogun and Veriphon stayed focused on picking out the subtle patterns of dislodged pebbles, bruised grasses, and broken leaves and twigs Lan had left in her wake.

After some time, they heard someone call out to them, “PAPA! SIANADH! What are you doing here!?!?” A light blue and green shape hurtled out of the brush, slamming into Artorius and then Sianadh, trapping them both in a strong embrace. They blinked a few times before realizing that Dewdrop had found them! What was she doing there?? How had she escaped?? They had so many questions for her but all they could do was return the embrace and laugh, before becoming somber and sullen once more.

“Where’s your mother? Why isn’t she with you?” Artorius asked his daughter. “With me? I thought she would be with you! Didn’t you get my letter?” Dewdrop said, quickly becoming concerned. “Yes, we got your letter but it was too late, mother had already left to go back to Garigill…” Sianadh replied, their father was too busy fighting back tears to speak. “We set out to catch up to her before she reached the clan but it seems we were too late as well…” he continued, his words trailing off as his sister put together the pieces of what had happened. “Oh no!! If she made it to Garigill already, she’s surely been captured! We have to save her!!! We must hurry and get there before it’s too late!!” Dewdrop shouted anxiously, and the two Mirrors and Pearlcatchers nodded at her, indicating that she should lead the way. They swiftly began their task anew, this time with a more difficult goal - rescuing Lan. The closer they got to Garigill, the stronger Artorius and Sianadh’s anxiety became.

The feeling overwhelmed them when the group arrived at Garigill to find it devoid of life. No dragons or beasts came to greet them, no one was in their homes, it was as if everyone who used to live there had vanished without a trace. Though they had met up with Dewdrop, and were glad that she was safe at least, the entire group felt dread and uneasiness about what would come next. 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i got some things to get off my chest.

ummmm. theres a lot on my mind i guess.

it feels kind of weird having a roommate after not having one for so long but it makes me happy to know someone else is home when i do. it’s easy to talk to her or just choose to go straight to my room after a long day. i am happy to have claire here.

amanda decided to stay in st louis for another week and a part of me is hurt that she didnt think to tell me. ive just been trying to give her space after she didnt respond to me last time. i just assumed she was busy and i really do want her to be able to rest back at home and just be with her family. i think i would want to do the same in california so ive been doing my best to just keep some distance between myself and her. i do miss her though. 

i was really happy i was able to be there for her with the whole ICP thing but when wookie casually mentioned how she went to an ICP event recently for the BTJ tour, i felt a little betrayed. did she lie to me? i thought she hadnt spoken or interacted with any of them in almost a year. why would she keep that from me? 

ive also slowly been slowly getting involved with ICP again just by hanging out with Wookie again on Wednesdays and getting to meet new people. a part of me feels like im betraying Lakeview for doing so but i dont want to let them go. 

ive also been doing my best to keep some distance between myself and johnathan&jason. i think i was too clingy and desperate in the past. tho, surprisingly, johnathan recently reached out to me and asked to go climbing together. i agreed and we’re set to hangout on friday which i am excited about. but we dont usually have much to talk about so....we’ll see how it goes i guess! ive been trying to think of things to ask him bc i noticed that he wont share more information than whats absolutely necessary. maybe i can ask him more about how israel is and maybe challenges that arose? we’ll see!?

i really hope the best for him and amanda. tbh, i think i was both of them at one point in my life. too serious and couldnt take a joke. too insecure and just wanted to please everyone. now im here. depressed and just struggling how to move on from here. 

while talking to elizabeth and skylar recently, i was wondering if maybe the reason it’s so hard for me to talk to people at church is bc the people at school are usually a lot more willing to share than those at church? so it feels like im trying a lot harder to carry the conversation bc people expect to be served when they first come to lakeview. 

BUT, i gotta humble myself! bc i was really no better when i first came. and theres nothing to be gained by being “better” anyway.

i really miss old MAST and the meetings we had. i didnt think i would miss everything and everyone so much. it makes me feel sad how much everything is changing. tho i am slowly starting to learn how to let go. esp since jason, johnathan, and amanda have been gone for a while. and ive been pretty distant with pjosh lately too. i just want to allow him to rest during this summer and have fun and relax. he deserves it after such a stressful year. and i do really want to help and support him and make his job easier as much as i can.

im done receiving. i want to help now.

i am excited to be able to hangout with johnathan one on one for once tho. i wonder why he wanted to hangout. maybe bc he knows his time is limited and wants to spend make the most of his time still in chicago with the people he cares about? who knows.

maybe pjosh tipped him off since i asked to meet up with pjosh this week and he couldnt. i do still definitely want to tell pjosh that im thinking of moving to SF. and the more i research, the more right it feels. it pretty much just feels like im planning for my future at this point. but another part of me really doesnt want to leave chicago. i would probably cry a lot on my last day with everyone here. i dont want to say goodbye. i love so many people here so much. i dont want to leave. and at the end of the day, it is my choice but a part of me feels like i have to let go and move on from this part of my life. as much as it sucks and as much as i dont want to, it feels like something i just need to do. sigh.

maybe i’ll ask johnathan what people in NorCal usually do and try to incorporate that into my SF schedule.

i wonder if he’ll ask if i was upset or avoided him before. bc he was more active in talking with me, idk if he picked up on it. i think im okay with telling him i was just upset with them both not bc of anything they had necessarily done but just bc seeing them two just told me that they were moving on and i felt like i was being left behind. which, i talked it through with amanda and felt exponentially better after our conversation. i didnt realize they had talked about the spaces they had cultivated and wanting to keep it the same even tho they were entering into a relationship together. and i could see that and i do appreciate that. but, a part of me will always kinda feel like a third wheel with them. i know they probably wont be super coupley or lovey dovey around me but i will still very clearly know that theyre in a relationship together. that they’re each other’s go to person now. it isnt me anymore for amanda and i never was that person for johnathan. but things change and i’ll always know we wont ever be that close again or anymore. it kinda hurts but im learning to just accept, let go, and move on.

for a long time, my greatest fear was dealing with the fact that no matter how hard i try or how much work i put in, my best will never be good enough. but, after feeling hopeless over my inability to change the hearts of NU students and giving it to God and just trusting in Him in the process instead, it did give me a pretty great sense of relief.

my coping mechanism is to isolate myself. to take a step back and run away and just try and deal with the problem on my own. the reason i became so clingy and latched onto the seniors this past year was because i was so shocked when they actually responded positively and wanted to help me. i didnt know how to properly react to that because it felt so foreign. and i guess i just became too much. even now, i always think about self harming myself or just not telling people how i feel for long periods of time and them finding out by some accident and me feeling so much shame and crying out, “i am so sorry! you were never supposed to find out! you were never supposed to know about this!” sigh.

i guess i have pretty self destructive behavior, haha.

it’s just easier to deal with by myself w/o the variables of other people. not having to worry if im talking too much or being too selfish or this or that. if im the only one trying to solve it, i only have to worry about myself making out on the other side alive.

maybe thats why i want to kill myself so often haha.

i am really stressed out about this whole andrew and sofia thing and i really dont know what to do. a part of me wants to share the gospel with andrew and hopefully rely on God to help him overcome his addiction but if i myself do not currently have a stable faith, what right do i have to share this with him when i know i’ll be questioned and persecuted for it.

but i really dont know what the right course of action is to take now. i think i would’ve been better equipped to answer in the past but now my life just feels like it’s in disarray and i dont know what to do anymore.

i think leaving chicago for a while will be good for me tho. just being able to get away and relax from everyone. i think it’ll help me get a more clear mind. hopefully. hopefully i wont just be stressed over my grandpa and this whole breakup thing the whole time. ugh. i really dont mean to be selfish but i do wish i could just go home and rest and not have to worry about anything! really! sigh.

but anyway, God, i give this to you. im also really hoping that somehow at sa-rang, i can come back to you and be reminded of you are in my life. i feel like i’ve grown so far away from you and it’s become so much more about living in fear and not sharing too much in fear of scaring people away but craving intimacy. i hope i can find that back home at sa-rang, even with all my fears and insecurities regarding that place. 

thank you.

i feel nervous but im doing my best to just trust in you and through this process.