#I thought I gave off a rather immature vibe I guess the fuck not

[potato-lord-but-not]

I also thought you were like 25ish tbf

sobbing my god

[6ad6ro]

im watching the projared explanation vid rn n i'm gonna keep adding to this as i watch. think of this as like real-time commentary? even tho it’s not real-time at all like i’m just pausing the video to make lil comments. here’s vid btw. but geez it'd be weird if all he did was cheat (like it's icky i’m def against cheating... but how would that matter to you if it doesn't involve u personally?).

TLDR (this was written after the fact): i’m rly leaning towards believing him about not doing the underage stuff. and i wished i had listened to my initial gut on that. i could care less about exchanging nudes with fans if they were 18+. i also could care less about any relationship drama. anyways i watched all of it and wrote a LOT. it’s kinda interesting (not rly) to see my opinion change over the course of the writing? i was really tearing into jared at first ahaha. but i’m putting it under a readmore. it’s not written well at all so read if you dare...

just started watching. first of all i will say it feels very scripted (is he lying/acting/performing? or is it just well thought out??) idk and LOL at him purposely looking unshaven and like a mess... like THAT was at least on purpose and makes me immediately not rly trust him? but idk i can't actually judge him based on this rly... then again what a sappy fucking thumbnail.

aw geez IT'S LIKE HE'S DOIN A REG COMEDY VIDEO like stop acting dude? i know he's... well he’s weird and seems like a very “scripted” person if that makes sense? but... it's just a rly weird move to try and make a "here's the real story/apology" video this way. not how i’d do it at all (and i’ve been there to a much lesser degree so)...

oh and i know he's SUPER mad at the two (at the time) underage ppl? and justifiably so if they lied. but idk his claim that the only reason for them to remove their accusation posts was "bc they held no water and they knew the timing was right to safely do the most damage"? uh dude you're one of the more well known youtubers like IMAGINE all the ppl that were harassing these guys? well at least they were both lgbtq etc and the gaming community has a traditionally open mind about that (sarcasm).

btw i kinda hate the term "the tea" too? soo much. but just bc it's another appropriated term white kids overuse... but even still i probably wouldn't have opened up a vid like this... well i'll just say it... was he straight up pointing the finger at gay ppl etc for harassing him n bein shallow n only enjoying the drama etc? like idKKK it just felt like he was calling out sassy gay ppl ONLY like why did he even say that??

yeah bc straight white gamer dudes NEVER gossip about drama. they NEVER act shallow. dude ur fanbase is like... some of the most shallow, gossipy ppl out there. i can't TELL you how many AWFUL videos i watched of your fans n other youtbers talking about you. and how... INSANE? it was? that they only rly called you out for "cheating on your cute wife" bc the accusations of underage shit n manipulation yeah nbd! but god forbid you cheat on your "attractive cosplay wife".

srry i'm rly tearing him apart here... i'm not meaning to. almost every gaming personality has shit fans. even i? me. a nobody. have to double check new followers to see if they're nazis etc? it's so common... anyways i'm not actually damning him in any way yet even if i'm bringing up so many lil issues i have w this vid lol srry?

btw i used to follow his tumblr. there was WEIRD shit going on, esp right before it shut down. like the "i got hacked" thing seems really convinient? IDK srry it's just my gut but he reminds me of sociopaths etc i used to be friends with. how he explains things and talks... like they all sound a lil like dennis from always sunny? idk my gut is tellin me he's full of shit i'm sorry. gonna keep watching. wait he really WAS hacked? i mean i guess i believed he was hacked at first bc the guy posting awful shit and claiming to be a pro-hacker was... well he was too crazy to be made up. a real fucking maniac loser.

as time is going on, unless all of this stuff is fabricated? he seems ro have found a crazy amount of proof that he didn't do the underage stuff. like... maybe the weird vibes he gave off is this stuff drove him insane? like... i’ve been friends with/dated quite a few fucked up, gaslighting assholes? trying to figure out what the fuck is going on can drive you a little nuts. he's kinda winning me over here a lil... again if the underage/manipulation stuff is untrue? i could care less about the other stuff. and i LOVE ross? but srry... who cares about that other stuff...

to explain what changed my mind: most ppl that he reminds me of are sociopaths etc. or rather, people that really fucked my life up. so i have a lotta baggage regarding them? and they're bigger in my mind than the other types. i won't lie the way he explains things and argues points REALLY bugs me? but i know ppl like that who are good people. or at least not psychopaths. immature, basic idiots at the worst (not that im callin HIM an idiot). anyways that alone doesn't make him guilty. watchin more now.

i was about to bring up that its actually really... cool? that he's focusing on the underage shit rather than the cheating/drama? bc thats all that needs to be explained rly? but LOL he just got to the "game grumps" part n in losing it. am i rly about to drown in this drama? fuck dude lol noooooo....

okay finished it. fuck man idk i feel stupid. right at the start i even was like "noooo he couldn't have!" but the underage stuff is like... like that shit makes my brain boil n stop working n go into “ill kill him” mode. and jared was so silent and so i figured he was doing damage control (ignoring it until it went away) rather than research to show people this was all fake/getting legal advice?

i kinda think he didn't do any of the real icky shit. i still get a vibe he might be a weirdo. and i don't think heidi necessarily made ALL of that stuff up? and i could care less that he was getting sexually involved w his fans like even I have been flirted with due to running a game gif blog (god knows why). and like FUCK it's so normalized for ppl in bands to sleep w fans? so why on EARTH would people think youtube gamerz are “too good for that”? anyways...

my point is, i think i mighta been wrong about him n the underage stuff. idk what to believe about the other stuff? the only thing i know for sure is that ross o'donovan is a very sweet n nice guy. and i'm so glad the drama between him and jared was imagined. it was prob just shitty to have fans ask him about it over and over...

okay lol if you just read all of this please go do something more fun and interesting now lol! i'm gonna put this all under a readmore and put a tldr on it! and... go to bed bc fuck its 2am OOPS!

[anonymoustoddler]

I got stoned and found out some things and started writing a facebook post. And then... it turned into whatever the hell this is:

I went to NYU from 2005-2009.

Ilana Glazer.. apparently went to NYU from 2005-2009.

We graduated at the same time.

ALSO, I thought Rachel Bloom was older but NO, she was there too. And everyone seems to know her except for me.

She didn’t even go to Tisch, or study acting or writing or.. any of it. Rachel did. But all three of us sat in Yankee Stadium at the same time and listened to Hillary Clinton give our graduation speech. We had all the same opportunities and general access, the same potential for experience, exposure, connections, and a career.

And now they are there.

And my BFA’d ass is... right here.

It’s just really strange to think about that. Maybe if I had somehow done things quite differently, I’d be there instead.

Probably not, to be honest. I know I’ve never had whatever that thing is that makes certain people magnetic. I’ve never been the one to stand out in adulthood. I think, in fact, that many people find me rather dull compared to the shine of others in this field. But maybe... maybe if I’d really worked for it, for real. Maybe if I could have put everything into the work instead of most of it into all the wrong places with just a shaving of energy and effort and commitment left over.

But also. Something happened to me, back then. When I left Northview and Grand Rapids and Michigan to head for New York, I believed in my talent. I believed in myself in that way, if not much else. I knew I could do it, and do it well.

A lot of people seem to come into themselves in college. Find themselves, find their people, their passions and strengths, their future. But I think I had the opposite experience altogether. From my very first day in New York, I felt Weird. Different. Loser. Less than. Behind. Misunderstood. Shamed. Overlooked. Ignored. Doubtful. Anxious. Depressed. Afraid. Embarrassed. Hidden. Invisible.

It was a slow motion dissent into the earlier stages of where I am now. But nobody noticed. No one saw an eating disorder or depression or tremendous anxiety. No one saw severe mood instability, executive dysfunction, a strained and codependent and complicated two person family relationship. No one saw the things going on and attributed them to “She’s not ok.” It was always, “She’s immature. She’s selfish and lazy. She doesn’t WANT to grow up, so she’s keeping herself in states of dependency so she never has to try.” “She just doesn’t want any of it badly enough. If she did, she’d be doing the work to get it.”

I wonder, sometimes. If I hadn’t been sick and scared and alone, with only so much understanding at the time of what was happening to me and no understanding of what I was preparing to become; if I had real and proper help from any doctor or professor or from my mom - because I did not understand the severity of my need for help back then, and I thought my family doctor, a PA who actually really fucked up my life multiple times with her loose prescription pad and severe lack of knowledge of what she was doing, had me covered - what might I have accomplished instead of spending most of my free time in bed, balancing a part time job but barely able to take on anything else. 30 hours a week in retail plus commuting was literally everything I had in me WHEN I WAS AT MY BEST IN LIFE. When I was the closest I ever got to being a rack rate size, when I was still able to prioritize limited money spending, still eating both regularly and healthfully (as much so as I’ve ever been), still exercising simply by getting around, sleeping ok enough for the most part and generally on a more normalized schedule. I mean — I got up at 6 to be at work at 8 OFTEN. It was excruciating sometimes, but other times it was fun to get up and get ready for work. I had routines. I loved getting off the train at my SoHo stop and, depending on which line I took and how much time I had, getting my coffee at Starbucks or at Aroma, so overpriced but an entirely different experience and worth the convenience and sometimes a pastry to go along.

I’ve gotten quite entirely away from myself, but.. I was doing the best I’ve ever done or maybe will ever do. And I still could not work to pay my bills and also take voice and tap and jazz and scene study and exclusive workshops and networking events and open calls and appointment auditions and keeping up with theater and film and the business and and and.

I went to a handful of auditions in 2013 and 2014 - My Only Almost Good Years. Things were actually pretty horrible for the majority of them but it was also mostly the closest I ever got to Good in the beginning.

Regardless, I subscribed to Actors Access and I got the only real headshots I ever had taken and I submitted and submitted and submitted (not nearly as regularly or often as I should have, because I was still too scared then. I still gave a shit.) and I very occasionally got an audition. I submitted for a commercial call Under 18 girls skin care. I got called in. When the CD saw me, she told me they were only considering minors, but she wanted to keep my headshot and info anyway. I never heard from her again.

I got a call for a short film once (or was it a web series? Who knows) and even got a callback. But no part.

I did one show in those two years. Technically I guess one could argue two if you count the weird little Christmas play I did for no money right after I moved at the end of 2012, but. Aside from that... one casting. One.

In New Jersey. No pay - travel stipend included.

I was 24 years old playing a 12 year old in an aged down musical version of Three Sisters set in 1970s New Jersey. “We have to get back to Mosc- New York City!” But with generic numbers telling most of what little story there was.

And then I took an acting class, I fell and injured myself, my body wasn’t ever the same after that, and by the time my shoulder was as normal as it would ever be again, my brain was really starting to crack. I was depressed and anxious. I hated living in Brooklyn, I hated having no friends after so briefly being close with Jenn. I hated my roommate, the only man I had ever lived with before George. And no wonder. He was one of the worst people I’ve ever met, I think. The worst kind of fucked up Entitled Vaguely Wealthy White Male. He enjoyed making me upset, making me feel unsafe. He listened to me express my issues with things he did and instead of even pretending to care about living harmoniously, he laughed in my face and used every chance he could get to fuck with me for the kick of it. He was rude and weird and cold and cruel and cocky and prideful and hateful and gross and mean. He was selfish and thoughtless and manipulative. I knew he felt wrong from the moment I met him. I knew. But our third roommate was chill and relaxed and flexible, she seemed to get along with both of us enough so I thought she could and would act as a buffer if it ever came to that. I knew but I loved the apartment, and he found it and I didn’t have any friends to grab it out from under him with. I knew he was a bad guy and someone I might well have real trouble with and discomfort around, but Jenn had gone silent and enemy for reasons and in ways I will never, ever understand. One day she was my friend, and the next she was putting locks on her doors and saying I should really move out of HER apartment as soon as possible. She stopped speaking to me. She passive aggressively left disgusting messes all over the apartment. She locked the living room television in her bedroom and told some version of events in which I was the bad guy somehow to friends who we both went to school with, people I knew and liked. They in turn randomly met my coworkers and proceeded to say horrible things about me, and the only reason I even know is because one of them told me about it in the break room the next time I worked.

I knew Nick was a terrible risk in multiple ways. But I had to get out of the apartment because at the time I didn’t think it could be worse than living with Jenn, and Dan was a third who I thought would be in my corner, and the apartment was so much nicer than most of the places I had lived. I thought I could make it work. I thought that move was going to save me.

By the time my headshots were taken, I was beginning to lose feeling in my legs. I was struggling to keep treading water and starting to drown. I never got the free retouching because I never chose my final shots. I never chose because I barely submitted for auditions. I was doing on partial leave from work and doing as much physical therapy as I could afford to copays for, I was taking percocet for months and months because the pain wouldn’t go away. Something’s Wrong, I said. The Scans Look Normal, Try Taking Ibuprofen. I was home and hiding in bed more and more often. I extended my work leave and gave shifts away as much as I could. I went to therapy and a middle aged white woman with long beaded necklaces and a New Age Buddhism vibe in a shoebox office on the Upper East Side was getting tired of me and my lack of progress and consistent last minute cancellation of appointments. I went back to work and had panic attacks that kept me sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour, so many shifts spent partially alone sitting in a little room in the basement back of house, steam pumps taking up much of the space and nothing else there aside from a single office chair and a little grey table. I spent my entire hour lunch chain smoking on a stoop down the street. I smoked cigarette after cigarette, compulsively and even when I did NOT want any more. I talked more loudly and often about how bad things were, about my disorder and anxiety and depression and people liked me less and I was alone at work more. New people came on and old people left and new cliques formed and I had no friends. Work was torture and home was terrifying. I got through the summer by getting stoned on the roof so I wouldn’t have to be in the apartment in case he was home. But then one day my door knob broke and I was so terrified he would go into my room and take or break or mess with my things and the fear and panic were so real and so severe that I missed my best friend’s baby shower because I couldn’t find a locksmith on a Sunday and I couldn’t leave my room until I fixed my door knob. She was angry with me for a long time after that. We never saw each other before I moved back to Michigan. I don’t even know when we last saw each other anymore.

I could keep telling this story for hours, days. Tell every piece as I remember it straight on through 2014 and into 2015 and cancer and treatment and 2016 and George and more cancer and the worst possible conditions for a new relationship and relapse and the beginning of my current inability to function because everything was depression and exhaustion and loneliness. And on and on through five more moves and break up and emergency surgery and being thrown into the drivers seat and struggling with my mom’s health changes and selling my home and leaving everything I had for something new that was just more versions of bad. The scariest loneliest months of my life. And then the even scarier even lonelier ones after she died.

But just... just think of all that. And what if most of it had never happened?? If I’d gotten proper help a decade ago, who would I be now? Where?

Maybe I’d be there. With them.

Instead of here, alone, with nothing but memories of other times when I was also sad and life felt pointless.

I wonder what it would have been like to be there instead. I wish I knew.

[typicalpoetry]

Not poetry, just a rant

5 of us were hanging out with my friend who was on duty at dorm building A. One other person lived in A, one lived in B (a short walk from there) and my ex and I live in the apartments across campus. My friend was off duty at midnight, so we all packed up. One of my friends had offered to drive my ex back since she hadn’t driven to dorm A, but I countered that we live in the same building and I was driving back, she could just ride with me.

The friend that offered also mentioned doing laundry that nihht, but wasn’t sure if there was a free washer/dryer in building A. The one who lived in building B offered to let her use those machines since they planned on staying up late to finish homework. The freshly-off-duty friend used driving to building B as a cover to drive my ex back. I insisted I was already heading in that directing, as it would’ve been going way out of the way for my friend to drive there. Plus, parking at dorm B is shitty enough that she probably wouldn’t have found a space over there and would’ve had to park in the lot between dorms A and B, which is where she was already parked.

Then there was a weird moment where my friend was obviously trying to interfere by “flipping a coin” to see who would drive my ex back. Instead of a coin, she tossed a small piece of paper, which had the same effect. I didn’t see what side it had landed on since I was on the other side of the counter we were sitting around, and she declared she would be driving my ex.

Something about all of it just smelled super fishy. My ex and I are cool...at least that’s what I thought. We’ve hung out with our friends in a group and it’s been fine. We carved pumpkins last week and were left alone for a few minutes that night with very little awkwardness. I’m just trying to figure out what happened last night. I thought maybe my friend was just trying to be alone with my ex to ask her a question or something. That makes sense to me. But they had been hanging out beforehand with plenty of time to talk, so that theory lost a bit of its steam. I ended up asking the friend that gave the ride what was up, and she said the she had caught a vibe that my ex wasn’t comfortable riding alone with me. I want to get into this a little bit. I broke up with her almost 3 weeks ago bc I knew I wasn’t in love with her and I didn’t want to lie to her. We had a conversation, and as far as breakups go, it was cordial as hell. Did it suck? Absolutely. Break ups aren’t fun...but we agreed to be mature about it bc of the circumstances. We agreed to take some time, but that we could be friends after a bit. She’s the one that invited me to carve pumpkins. I would’ve understood if she didn’t want to do that, but she said it was fine. As I mentioned earlier, we have also hung out a few times with friends since then.

What bothers me was the pageantry if it all. If she didn’t want to ride with me, I would’ve appreciated a straight answer rather than that bullshit dance we had to do. Am I so unbearable that riding with me for two minutes would ruin your night? Are we not where I thought we were? Because if that’s the case I would’ve much rather received a text from my ex saying she’s not comfortable being alone with me rather that all that bs. I’m angry. But the thing is, I don’t know if my friend caught a wrong vibe. Maybe my ex didn’t really care, but my friend stepped in anyway — to which my first reaction is to say mind your business. If there’s a problem between my ex and me, I’d appreciate figuring it out with her. After reflecting, I understand if my friend just wanted to help out my ex.

But just the way it was handled felt like a slap in the face. It made sense for me to drive my ex back, we live in the same building for gods sake. I was already driving over there! If I was that unbearable to be around, I would’ve liked a private heads-up over whenever thinly veiled show that was in the lobby. In response, part of me wants to go ghost for a day or two. Turn off my snap maps. Only respond to urgent messages. But if I did that, then it’d be immature and create more problems in a day or two when I would have to explain why I did that. I’m trying to grow and handle things more maturely, but fuck...that shit it hard.

Anyway, TL;DR If something is wrong I’d rather be notified directly and in private rather than indirectly in public, where I have to guess what the fuck was going on.

[wenzenation]

An 8 Page Untitled Series About Him

I cannot vibe to this beat again

Rhyming to your heart as a friend

I feel alone

And hurt again

I do not think

This is how it’s supposed to be

You cannot give me what I need

I feel cold and unpleasant

Distant and unneeded

I mask my numbness and incoherence

Yet I sit here choking on your absence

And it’s not getting better

With this thing you call friends

I die every time I look into your eyes

I cannot do this again

But I’ll fake it until you decide to leave me again

  I am done being disposable

Even though you’re nice

You are not my chore

I cannot pretend anymore

That you are anything more

Than me

We are nothing

Nothing more

Than typical whores

I cannot be your drug anymore

Drug along the carpet

Of your cliché’ floor

I am giving up on you babe

You are not mine anymore

You are not trying

So neither will I

  I saw his face at Applebee’s

It told me that he fucking hates me

Stared into his eyes over one dollar shots

And it reminded me of the times

And costs

Of loving him

He looked away

Every time I stared at his face

Reminded me that I am not his

Anymore

Never will be enough for him

And he’s too much for me

Acting like this friend thing

Doesn’t make me feel melancholy

But I hurt when he looks away

Like I was never

Once part of his sadness’ decay

I cannot be more

And cannot try more

I guess it’s time to give up

Because he will never love me

With his eyes closed shut

  And I get that fucking them

Won’t fix us

Won’t change him

But it hurts

And it sucks

When I come home

Another night alone

Without you

Without your touch

When I’m here

Another night numb

And they’re not enough

But it distracts me

When I picture you with her

And I just may be

Immature

But I cannot think

I cannot deal

Thinking of you

With them

With her

Being real

Without me

Like I am not your bet

Like I am not your deal

Like I was never your thrill

 And I don’t think you comprehend

You just send

Your message

Your thoughts

As if mine

Don’t exist

You feel

As if

The world owes you

Because of what you gave to it

But the reality is

My life sucks

Just as bad

As your life did

And if you’d let me show you

We could be so much better

Than this

But you’re selfish

And I get why

Life fucking hurts

But I’ve experienced

All you did

Just on different levels

Than what you hid

From them

But I get it

Because how do you admit it

When we’ve seen so much

So we turn life into a joke

 It’s so much easier that way isn’t it?

   I sit

And I stare

Ponder your thoughts

As if you might care

But you’re gone

One day I’ll be okay

Feeling as if this world is

Deemed okay

I love your acts and moves and thoughts

But still you hurt me

And your actions haunt

Without a thought

So now I sit

And write

And scream

And dream

Of better days

Days where you’re not real

And I’m not me

   And I hurt

And I hurt

And I write

And I write

Because us together

Is not right

But we’re running round

Like the beers in our hands

Are meant to represent

Something more than

What our bodies meant

So we cheers again

Act like we

Never happened

Cheers again

But this time

It’s different

Innocence quite gone

So here we go again

Us again

Alone and bored

More than we have ever been

Corruption kills

And time won’t heal

What we’ve done

What you said

So friends we’ll be

Until once again

You decide that you’re done with me

 And I kind of hate you

Kind of hate me

For letting go

So suddenly

    And he walks away

 Without me

So easily

 She leaves with someone you don’t know but she makes sure you saw her she looks right at you and bolts

The world is falling around you

  I miss you

When you leave

When we talk

I miss you

Here and there

Miss how you held me

Without a care

Miss your stare

Now it’s different

Now it’s cold

When you touch me

You’re not there

Like how you call me babe

With a glare

I will never leave

I would never dare

  You’ll never read this

You’ll never know

How much I cared

How much I tried to

Show

You love

But you’re distant

And don’t get my issues of being left

Because being the one who leaves is

Easiest

But you tried

And I get it

And I want you to know how much I appreciate it

Band of horses

Was an experience

I think I loved you that night

Think I loved how much you cared

I miss you

Miss your stare

Miss riding with you

As you blared-

Pink Floyd without a care

I hate that you’re not next to me

Hate that you’re not in my bed

Talking me out of giving up and all the rest

Missing you pulling me back onto the ledge

 Now it’s different

Now it’s cold

When we go out

You look at her

Instead of me

 Saw him at barbs

Acted very cool

Treated him as if he were a fool

I thought he missed me

Thought he cared

Til he started to share

About what it was like to see her

And when I asked if he missed her

He couldn’t respond

Told me not to ask

Told me he didn’t want to talk about

It

That shit hurt

That knife dug in

And I tried to pretend

Like it wasn’t ripping away

At my core

Like it wasn’t eating at me

That he missed that whore

What a fucking chore

It was to mask that I was okay

Like I was in no way

Affected by his words

So I texted him

My new whore

To relieve my pain

Made me feel not so insane

Through mindless sex

As if that would fix it

But I still do it

Still need it

Feel myself losing it

Don’t quite know how to be any way else

Don’t quite know how to not be on top of someone else

 They all thought that you were kind

That you had no flaw left behind

But you’re hurt

Just like I am

Trusting no one else

But yourself

I am selfish

Arrogant

Cannot feel good

Without getting pulled in

Always been selfish, used to be scared

Only cared about myself

But I dared

To try and care

About you

But you re closed off

And you hurt me

When I storm off

I cannot reach, I cannot grab

Any further than I already am

Every encounter of rejection

Kills me

And stitches me up back again

And it hurts

And it sucks

When I see you in the world

Like it means

Nothing

But I am here

And here I stand

Against everything you could never believe in

 So I fuck them and I feel

Relief

Momentarily

But when I wake

I wish nothing more than to get them out of my bed

I feel sick

When they’re in your spot

Even though “friends” aren’t supposed to care a lot

I miss you

Miss your touch

And when they hold me

I feel distant and lonely

I want out

Of their arms

I want back in yours

Want to be invited

Back inside your head

Want to be laying next to your body

So innocently

  I resent what we became

Everything

I don’t believe in

You don’t see me now

Rather through me

And I cave in

Like a bitch

But I cannot seem to help it

Want you back inside my head

  I kind of hate you

Kind of hate me

Kind of wish you left

Just how everyone else does so easily

Kind of wish we didn’t meet

‘Cause now that you’re gone

My bed feels so empty

Kind of wish we could go back

To that bar

Where we met

And set up a plan

About how far we’d go

Kind of miss

That first night

In your truck

Our first bump

Kind of miss lost creek

Thinking of the easiness

Makes me weak

But then again

Sitting on my patio

Letting me in

The furthest I’ve ever been

Inside your head

Was kind of cool

Makes me rethink

My life before

But still

I’m not sure

Because now I feel so unsure

About you

I want to go back

Want to forget

So bad

Want to be back inside your head

Without hurting you

I just may only love you as the person I believed you to be