#I think...? this ask was in good faith

[shorthaltsjester]

when people think delilah just completely takes over and laudna has no control. when people think jester is just an uwu child who has been manipulated by every man she’s met. when people think vex is an empty husk of daddy issues without her brother by her side. when people think fjord is an arrogant asshole who doesn’t pay attention to the party around him. when people think scanlan saying that vox machina doesn’t care about him is an accurate assessment.

[erinwantstowrite]

rereading LoF really reminded me just how much peter and tony care about each other

obviously we know, but you lose that a little bit later on, like we know peter cares a lot about tony but peter’s with dick and everything and i think i got like blinded

it did have to take a backseat in most recent chapters but alas,,, i had to keep y'all in the dark for a little while. i'm sure when we get to our Avengers POV everyone will be like "oh my god" for... reasons I can't say... but mostly the reactions will be "give Tony his kid back 😭"

[dreamingofthewild]

Once again, I feel the need to point out that Gale did not know the orb was the Karsite Weave, capable of destroying Mystra, until she told him in Act 3. And that was after she had already ordered him to kill himself—only revealing the truth once he had set his sights on the Crown, which she wanted for herself.

Gale genuinely believed he was returning a lost piece of the Weave to her. He wasn’t trying to surpass her. He did it because he wanted to please her. He never felt worthy. Yes, he hoped that one day she would see him as her equal, allowing him access to the knowledge the gods kept hidden. His ambition, while misguided and reckless, was never malicious—he was not seeking to overthrow her or destroy her.

As a Chosen, Gale was already an incredibly powerful wizard, and it wasn’t his fault that he reached for something he didn’t even know existed. Mystra never warned him—she simply told him to be content. And when Gale takes the Crown (provided you’ve read the Book of Karsus), we learn that he is powerful enough to ascend to godhood. Yet, unless you pursue the Origin Evil ending, he doesn’t attempt to claim her domain—he creates his own. That is ambition, not hubris.

Gale’s ambition is not the equivalent of a man thinking he’s better than a woman, nor is it the act of someone trying to surpass a figure they have no skill in. His heartbreak is clear. He is devastated, and he is ready to obey Mystra’s order to sacrifice himself. You don’t think that if she had told him the truth from the start, he wouldn’t have begged her, pleaded with her in horror, to remove the orb and forgive him? But she only told him when he sought something she wanted. And even then, I have no doubt that had she simply asked him to give her the Crown in exchange for forgiveness, he would have done so. Instead she ordered him to die for it, and if you know what happens if he uses the orb in Act 2, you know that his death achieves nothing at that moment apart from her getting the crown.

The only reason he goes after the Crown at all is because it’s his only alternative to dying at Moonrise, and it's his chance to prove himself worthy. He is desperate at this point, but his indignation remains at the God's themselves and the way they treat mortals, not just Mystra. Gale is essentially going through a crisis of faith. I think many either forget or downplay this element of Gale's relationship with Mystra. She's an Omniscient, Omnipotent being, and Gale is a mere mortal. She had/ has all the power.

There have been so many others who have portrayed this more eloquently than I, and with screenshots.

[casscainmainly]

What do you think of how WFA is currently using Duke so far? On the one hand bringing in We are Robin is good but on the other hand I feel like it they still are sidelining him. He's still benched and sure they brought in We are Robin but it felt like they were more used for Damian and his story, and they had Duke set up this support system but we've seen others like Steph doing more with it and really interacting with it. I feel like them say introducing We Are Robin but like making interact more with Damian and be there for his story is like "see we read Duke, now here's the other characters we really want to focus"

I've fallen behind on WFA for a few weeks so I just caught up! And. Yeah. I have thoughts. (Also again disclaimer I don't have FastPass so this is based on the free eps as of now).

In August last year I did an analysis of Duke Thomas in WFA, where I outlined my gripes. Then, in December, I praised the We Are Robin-centric episode. Right after, I wrote about how the next episode was making me a little wary but I was still optimistic.

Just outlining this to demonstrate that my feelings on WFA bounce back and forth a lot, but I do think it can do better and it has done better. So I'm gonna read on (because it's the only consistent place for Duke content, and because I like the Batgirls in it enough), but long story short: I'm pissed.

(Putting a rant under the cut; if you're enjoying S3 of WFA, I'm genuinely happy for you! I'm going to take a more negative stance than usual though so don't read if you don't want to hear that stuff).

Okay first of all the benching. All the way back in August I complained about Duke being benched, in a season that started with his kidnapping and revolves around the Joker. At the time I was hopeful he'd be unbenched, but it's been 34 eps and he's STILL BENCHED!! Even if he's unbenched in the FastPass eps I don't have, it's still ridiculous that he was out of the field for that long.

What happened when canon Duke got injured I wonder??

Oh yeah, in the Cursed Wheel he SNUCK OUT!!! Because he has agency!!!! What's frustrating about benching Duke for the entirety of S3 so far is that Duke, at his core, is a character of action. From his very first appearance in Zero Year, he's defined by an absurd amount of agency, wanting to fight the Riddler (then finding his parents, then joining WAR, then becoming Signal). A Duke that sits by for THIRTY FOUR EPISODES is NOT DUKE THOMAS!!!

But he's broken his arm, right? It makes sense for him to be benched?? Well first of all it was WFA's CHOICE to break his arm, a choice I do not think added anything to Duke's character or to Bruce's paranoia (which was clearly the entire point of Duke's kidnapping in the first place). Secondly, another character was injured in a fight with the Joker and benched. Another character who REJOINED THE FIELD IN 16 EPISODES!!!!

Dick gets injured in #130 and goes back out in #146. That is under half of how many episodes Duke's been benched for, AND Dick got injured in a fight against Joker. Duke didn't even get to fight!!! He didn't get to do anything!!! Dick's injury was also stupid, but the way WFA handled his benching versus Duke's is worlds apart, and shows to me how much less they respect Duke than the others.

Also can I just say how gross it was to use Duke's kidnapping merely to kickstart the plot? An astonishing 14 episodes pass before we get any mention of how Duke feels (in #132, he says he has nightmares). Then another 11 eps pass before we get to him talking to Lucius + calling WAR. That nightmares thing is never followed up on either! In #124 and #132, Duke's dialogue functions to further the plot or other characters - in #124, Duke justifies the others going out, and in #132, he helps Bruce through his feelings. Even when the episodes are about him, they are not about him!!! I genuinely think only 2 eps out of this entire season haven't used Duke as a prop for someone else.

I'm going to briefly detour to discuss #132 because I loathe that episode. In Homebound, Bruce visits Duke and they play Battleship (it was cute. fine. whatever). And then Bruce offers to hear Duke out on how he feels. Smash cut to:

ARE YOU SERIOUS??? We spent more than 3 episodes on Jason's PTSD, but we couldn't even spend a single panel on Duke talking about his own trauma???? Whether or not you liked the Jason bits this season, he had a moment. Babs also has her moment, and a whole ep is spent with just her and her dad. Duke, of the 3 Bats that have the biggest associations with the Joker, never gets to fully express how he feels. This off-panel cop-out is honestly kind of insulting.

Another detour: the kidnapping ep. We finally get Duke's full backstory after TWO WHOLE SEASONS (besides a brief mention in #76), and it was just not good. Besides the fact that Duke's kidnapping is, as I've mentioned, just a way to get the plot moving, I don't like the way WFA handles his parents:

What on EARTH are you talking about. This feels like a justification for Duke having never mentioned his parents before, but it's completely untrue to Duke's canon character. Sure, he thinks about his parents more than he talks about them, but WFA Duke never thinks about them either!! This narration box just riles me up whenever I think about it.

I was a bit nicer to this part in my first analysis, but no this part just straight up sucks. First off, I don't believe canon!Duke fears being turned into "something like [his parents]". In Cursed Wheel, he more or less comes to terms with how his parents are: "every horrible thing coming out of [my parents'] mouths? They're actually telling me how much they love me. [...] Let them stay." WFA always picking the weirdest things (becoming like his parents, his powers) for Duke to be scared about!

Secondly, this part juxtaposes the 'horror' of becoming like his parents ("something like them") and the wonderful, beautiful vision of "home": Bruce Wayne. Not only is this in direct defiance of Duke's canon character, it just strikes me as an odd and mean-spirited comparison. It essentially erases Duke's parents from his vision of 'home', just to fit him into the Wayne nuclear family.

But to get to the actual topic of the ask: We Are Robin. I still think the We Are Robin ep (#144) is the best Duke in the entirety of WFA, but did things improve afterwards? Did we focus on the WAR kids, their relationship to Duke, or their overall relationship to Robin? Nope. Turns out WAR, like Duke, was a prop for Damian!!

Damian is too harsh in training the Robins, so Duke intervenes. Damian stomps off and has a heart-to-heart with Jon, during which he admits he was trying to prove himself as Robin by training WAR. I actually like this premise!!! Duke and Damian have always had a contentious relationship to each other's Robins, and it makes TOTAL sense for Damian to be dismissive of WAR and think of it as a way to 'prove' himself. The problem is we did this already. TOM KING did it, in Robin War!!!

This is literally a microwaved TK story with worse writing and less nuance. In Robin War, we explored the way Damian dismisses Duke + WAR, both Duke and Damian's feelings of inadequacy around being Robin, and both of them eventually finding common ground and accepting each other. This arc is that except we cut out Duke's perspective. Now, it's all about Damian's feelings about Robin, and nothing about Duke or WAR's relationship to the mantle!

I cannot stress enough that this is a worse version of Robin War, and Robin War isn't even that good!!!

By centering We Are Robin's appearance on Damian, we lose about 99% of WAR's relationships to each other (and especially to Duke). The only specific relationship we see is Duke and Izzy blushing around each other. No acknowledgement of the Dre-Duke beef, the Riko-Duke crush, Dax-Dre friendship, these are a bunch of extras in a movie about Damian Wayne I guess.

You get absolutely no sense of who Izzy, Riko, Dre, or Dax are. The only thing you learn about them is that they're incompetent!

It's been a couple of episodes and they've been beaten TWICE. I get that they're not the main characters, but compared to the Outlaws or other affiliated teams, WAR is portrayed as ineffectual. And both times it's for Damian's sake. This is so frustrating because Damian + WAR is a really interesting relationship, but because WFA never focuses on WAR's feelings or reactions, it doesn't feel like an equal conflict. It feels like Damian vs. some cardboard cutouts.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??? Why aren't they even a tiny bit mad at Damian for either Robin War (WHICH DID HAPPEN BECAUSE WE ARE ROBIN IS CANON HERE) or what he did to them literally a few eps ago?? You know what, why aren't they mad at DUKE for ghosting and abandoning them?? They mention very briefly at the start that it's 'all good', but why??? Is it because WFA is not invested in their feelings??? Is it because we don't have space to explore even a modicum of Duke's story??????

Having a We Are Robin plot not focused on Duke Thomas or even We Are Robin is so upsetting, especially because the WAR ep was genuinely grounded in canon. Like you said in the ask, it does feel like they put that in there just to prove they've read WAR. What is clear to me now is that, though they've read the run, they didn't understand it. They did it for a perfunctory 'here's some Duke stuff' and never bothered to be interested in any of these characters' stories.

Because we should have gotten Duke's side of things. Damian gets an entire ep to talk to Jon and another to prove himself by fighting Joker, and Duke gets a few panels where he's like 'Damian don't usurp my training I forgive you though'. Season 3 has come the closest to giving WFA!Duke some depth, and because it comes the closest, it also fails the hardest. I still have hope that Duke will get some moments in this season, but I'm losing hope that it will make up for his treatment at all.

Apparently an upcoming Cass ep isn't great so they're really attacking me personally at this point. Idk what gets me is that for some people, this is their first exposure to Duke and WAR. For some people this is and will continue to be their only exposure. And it's this watered-down, uninteresting, bland, prop version of him that just is not the Duke Thomas I know and love.

[dykedvonte]

did you see the article wrong organ tweet abt an interview with the lead writer —>

https://t.co/5dcfeePkz3

The article really should honestly be read by people who try to make any of the characters actions black or white and ignore the other themes in the game. It specifically mentions these aspects that people try to make seem undebatable or uninterpretive and makes sure to use wording to say it can stem from multiple things and never confirm or deny anything.

I do remind people that the interviewer does not work for Wrong Organ so I am only using quotes and paraphrased statements rather than their own deductions as those should be taken with the same grain of salt of an analysis you see on twitter or tumblr and even my blog. They are still a subjective eye compared to Kasurinen’s direct statements.

Particularly pointing out that Jimmy, while deplorable, is still supposed to complex and his actions are not fueled by some comically sick amusement. And that Curly’s actions are not just rooted in one thing and not just rooted in rape culture but also include other social and systemic factors besides the shallow idea he’s just dick riding for his friends. It’s meant to be interpretative and I need to point out that the main writer says that “good intentions mean nothing when it’s gotten that bad”. A lot of people like to think Curly was only acting with intentions for himself or Jimmy when it’s was a misguided attempt at overall peace that ultimately failed and whatever processes behind that are to be nitpicked, not if he was acting out or malice or disregard.

I wish more was talked about specifically with Anya, Daisuke and Swansea but I understand why they weren’t as Curly’s actions/inactions pre-crash and Jimmy’s actions throughout all segments are the main impactful forces in the game. People should really read it for themselves but sit on this quote directly from the main writer:

[paintpanic]

🌙

[mollywog]

Someone in the discord said you don’t think Haymitch and Lenore Dove would have lasted because of power imbalances? Can you explain that?

Hello nonny

First - I am a queen of fluff and I cannot figure out a universe or set of decisions that allows Lenore Dove to live long after Haymitch’s games - I keep thinking that ‘I know this would have happened anyway’ also applies to Lenore Dove’s death as well.

But for a moment, looking beyond that:

Idk if ‘power imbalance’ is the right phrase - but to me it felt like Lenore Dove didn’t see Haymitch as an equal… which I think clashes with SC intentions; she goes out of her way to have Haymitch tell us that Lenore Dove’s not acting superior… and yet there’s something about the way she explains things slowly to him and pushes her case on the morning of the reaping, despite him not wanting to talk about it. Something about him feeling like ‘maybe she’s just too smart for me’ and the way it feels like she’s testing him to figure out the use of his gift. Not to mention - the secrets she doesn’t share with him (but that Maysilee knows about)…

Which brings me to a small aside: I remember feeling like there was more passion in Lenore Dove’s feelings towards Maysilee than towards Haymitch. And the simmering resentment over Maysilee knowing her secret… idk - that dynamic compels me more honestly.

But I digress…

It all just leaves me with the impression that Haymitch would never be enough for Lenore Dove… He has a mother and brother (and her) to think about and because of them, he can’t afford to be as rebellious (and reckless) as she is (or as she wants him to be.)

Meanwhile, the first time he is - it’s in defense of her and it the thing that winds up sending him on the journey that ends in the destruction of all the things he had been staying in line to protect in the first place…

‘Love you like all-fire’ is apt because all-fire is intense and extreme… and also not sustainable in the long run.

Idk - maybe I’ll feel differently upon a reread, but these are the feelings I’m left with at present

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

priest!geto who falls so deeply in love with you that he assumes you were sent by god to test his faith. is this anything /taps mic

[wombywoo]

hello! do u draw the maps and diagrams in the backgrounds on ur art by urself or do u use pre existing images or smth :0?

(like the map in ur most recent gaz work)

Haha, hell no! I could never have the patience or skill for that 🙆‍♀️ Most of my backgrounds for the latest COD art have been collage work. So for the Gaz one--I found a bunch of images through google and rearranged them how I wanted through mostly trial and error. yeah, if I had to draw a whole map of London by hand..💀

All these ones have backgrounds made through collage:

[lycandrophile]

hey i know your post about your mom was mostly just a personal vent, but i have to say, do you realize that also happens with trans girls and their fathers? literally happened to one of my friends. i’m not trying to downplay your experience or something but i found it strange that you seem to think this is something that only affects transmascs

i have one question for you: so fucking what?

i don’t doubt that trans girls have experienced similar things and yeah, that’s bad too, but what the fuck does that have to do with me and the specific things i’m facing as a result of being a trans man? i never said “look at this thing that happens to ONLY trans men and NO ONE ELSE,” i just said “hey, isn’t this thing that happens to a lot of trans men, including myself, fucked up?”

i would also like to point out that what you’re talking about is in fact a different (albeit similar) thing. the way cis people treat trans people can differ dramatically based on the cis person’s gender because their commitment to gender roles is, like, a major part of problem. the specific way a cis mother reacts to her trans son’s transition is often going to be very distinct, while a cis father will likely respond to his trans daughter in a different but equally distinct way.

what i’m talking about is a very specific kind of ownership and control and self-victimization and total lack of boundaries masquerading as love and care and maternal concern that cis women (i would argue white cis women in particular) project onto their transmasc kids when we do literally anything to our bodies. i’m talking about a phenomenon which is closely related to the way moms often pass eating disorders onto their daughters (or children they view as daughters) because they see a body that looks something like theirs and project all of their insecurities and ideals onto it. i’m talking about a form of parental transphobia and projection that’s specific to the dynamic of a cis mother and her child who was “supposed to” be her daughter.

if you’ve never felt that, you’re not even remotely qualified to tell me shit about how i should be talking about that experience, and if you couldn’t recognize that experience when you read my post, i’m guessing you probably haven’t experienced it because the replies to that post made it very clear to me that anyone who has experienced it firsthand immediately knew exactly what i meant.

like, yeah, cis dads also project onto their trans daughters, but are they likely to have a reaction like running away with actual tears streaming down their face? do you expect them to passive aggressively make comments about how sad their kid’s transition makes them, how it’s such a difficult emotional time, how it’s so tragic because their kid’s body was so beautiful before? do you think their go-to transphobic reaction will be weaponizing their emotions? i’m sure there are some dads out there who are like that, but i think we can agree they’re in the minority because that’s not how cis men are taught to react and parents like this tend to be pretty damn committed to following the gender roles they were taught.

and even if i’m wrong and our experiences are exactly the same, let me reiterate that i never said this was an experience exclusive to trans men. all i said is that it happens to us. that’s just a statement of objective fact.

this started in my life when i got my hair cut short for the first time almost a decade ago and it has not stopped since. i’ve watched my mom cry over me changing my name and respond to being asked if my happiness matters more to her than my name by saying “i care about both”, i’ve watched her melt down in a mall over me getting a suit for prom and give me the silent treatment for days after, i’ve heard her plead with me to stop t because it “looks unnatural” and she’s just so “concerned for my health”, i’ve watched her stare at me post-op and say “my poor baby” over and over like she’s looking at my corpse in a casket. i’ve watched her turn herself into the victim of every single aspect of my transition. i’ve had to live with this for 9 years and spent the early years of the pandemic literally locked in a house with it. this has been my entire adolescent and adult life, and the question of if i’ll have to cut her off someday (and maybe never see my cat or my little cousins who i love more than anything in the world ever again as a result) haunts me every single day.

who the fuck are you to tell me how to talk about that?

[erinwantstowrite]

Did Vampire Dick catch on that Peter might be related to him or does he have the LoF facial blindness? /j

he doesn't see the resemblance to himself until someone points it out HAHA he's like "who could this kid be related to?"

[tennessoui]

Hi Kit! Hope your doing well! I just wanted your thoughts on something: what do you think about the difference in tone when come to top!Obi-Wan and top!Anakin? Top Anakin always has more dubcon/noncon, and even in fests, prompts always lean one way or the other. Like top!wan is always so much more wholesome, while the other ship is very…not lmao (love both btw)

oh this is an interesting ask and I’ve gone back and forth on an answer!! I can definitely see what you’re talking about but I also feel like there’s at least a bit of confirmation bias as well as actual truth to the observation (at least for me)

but my guess is that maybe it has something to do with either the characters themselves or the ways people like to write the characters together?

Anakin has moments of being sweet and out of control but ultimately well meaning in canon but he also has moments of being, well, evil. so different authors can lean into different interpretations of his character for their fic and have it still ring true to him.

and Obi-wan can be seen as being very in control and cool and collected in the face of anakin’s out of control (but Obi-wan’s canon self doesn’t have that flavor of darkness or evil, except in sith aus which are very au from the get go), and different authors can lean into that sense of control as meaning that he would be a (soft) healthy and wholesome dom to anakin’s needing submission.

and other authors can want to explore what an Obi-wan who has lost his control to a forceful anakin would look like, which may lend itself more to dub/non con fics?

character analysis is definitely not my thing tho and this is all really just vibes (and sounds much more binary than I like tbh) but I do feel like it boils down to, at least in canon fics, what obi-wan’s character is likely to do, and while anakin’s character runs the whole spectrum of emotions in the movies, Obi-wan’s thing is being in the light. so I can see it being more common for fics where he tops to be topping while in the light lmao whereas that’s not necessarily true for top anakin fics

[caeslxys]

Zephrah actively postpones ruidusborn births. It is believed that the actual number of ruidusborn in exandrian history is much larger than has been officially recorded because the stigma of it was so intense that people lied about it. Alyxian, one of the few recorded ruidusborn heroes of the calamity who received direct blessings from three different prime deities (our very own Changebringer, the Archheart, and the Moonweaver) , has been all but forgotten (read: likely erased) by history.

The Archive of knowledge that revealed the truth of Predathos and Ruidus was never some forgotten thing—it was intentionally hidden by the elites in Vasselheim. And we have no idea how long they have been operating with that knowledge. We have no idea what they have been doing with that knowledge, what silent wars have been waging for years or decades or centuries. But we saw what they were willing to do, in Hearthdell. We saw the violence and suppression they were willing to commit. We saw the pettiness of the exandrian pantheon in the Dawnfather’s response to Deanna’s: “Are you worth saving?”. In the Changebringer’s manipulative change of course in her pleas to FCG. In the Wildmother’s rejection of Opal. In the knowledge we have that Imogen spent so much of her miserable time in Gelvaan begging the gods to aid her to no avail—just for Kord to reach out only to demand that she not let them down.

Liliana’s point that Vasselheim and the other faithful elite of the world will hunt ruidusborn down to negate even the potential of this happening again isn’t new, it isn’t something this solstice and the machinations surrounding it caused, and it isn’t some unsubstantiated, fearful claim—it has been happening.

The vanguard—and Liliana—are unequivocally wrong in their means. But can you really fault them in their desire? Can you really fault the conclusions they have drawn from the experiences they have lived? If you spend your entire life being rejected by the people and the pantheon of your world for means you could not possibly control, would you not seek out someone and somewhere that would accept you? And if you found it, if some being that has been connected with you your whole life welcomed you home and wrapped you in an embrace that felt like your mother’s and says that it is starving; well, aren’t you, too?

There is likely a holy war brewing. At the end of it all, is it truly the sole fault of the people and not the organizations and society that expelled them?

[poketaur]

i see you doing adopts a lot so i feel this is a fine place to ask

what's the point of adopts? couldn't i just make my own character based off of the adopt for free? i know you want to sell your drawings, but wouldnt commissions be better since you're offering something knowing you'll actually get something out of it? this isn't anon hate, im genuinely curious

hi this isnt anon hate but i think what youre doing is useless to me, try to convince me that it isnt, btw wouldnt it just be so easy for me to take the designs you make and make them my own? do you hear yourself? like yeah you could do that, i cant really stop you, but 1) do it then. i know you wont. surprise me though :] and 2) do you say this same garbage when you go into an art museums or exhibits??? "lolol i could totally make that" okay then do it! quit wasting my time and start making something. put yer money where yer mouth is. you sound goofy.

im going to pretend to try and take this in good faith now. long answer; i like making designs but i dont want to keep them and its better i give it a chance of having a home thatll use it rather than rotting in my files forever. i like doing adopts over commissions because its something i get to have complete control over and complete artistic freedom over, its also less communication which is difficult for me 1 on 1. I want to make the things i want to make and i hope someday people will support me entirely based on that, rather than feeling like i have to take everything everyone else wants into consideration and make things for other people. i create for me, i want to only create for me, that is my goal. most of my life my art has always been a commodity for other people (exactly how youre treating it rn btw) rather than an genuine expression of my artistic desires. if you really want to rip my designs go for it but it wont ever mean to you what it meant to me while making it and that alone keeps me confident in what i do. i finally have a space were i can express myself again and im still feeling it out to see what i like doing best. im going to take my sweet time and make whatever i want to make. short answer: i do what i want

[dandelion-wings]

Now imagining that offscreen canon scene of Nilou coming over to the Homayani estate to help Dunyarzad try on dresses — with Nilou (1) having a crush on Dunyarzad she was considering acting on only to discover that (2) Dunyarzad can't stop talking about her bodyguard in the most obliviously obvious way. It's very sweet and who can blame her?

I also imagined it, and it was a fun bit of angst! But then, being me, I couldn't leave it on a sad love triangle when Dunyarzad has two hands, so I tried to fix it:

---

ETA: Now on AO3!

---

Nilou's pulse flutters with anticipation as she knocks on the door of the Homayani estate. Anticipation and some nerves; she'd made sure to arrive by the servant's entrance, not the front door, despite having Dunyarzad's invitation in her hand. Dunyarzad might be confident in it, but she's told Nilou before of her overprotective parents.

Perhaps the front door would have been better. The maid who answers this one is baffled by the letter, and Nilou hears her whispering to whoever it is she summons that a legitimate guest would come by the front door, wouldn't she? But whoever she's talking to affirms that the handwriting is Dunyarzad's, and Nilou is let in and conducted to their lady's rooms.

"You're here!" Dunyarzad exclaims, catching Nilou's hands and dragging her in.

She dismisses the servants with a wave of her hand, then closes the door and tugs Nilou over to sit beside her on the bed. Nilou's pulse flutters again, though there's a good foot between where Dunyarzad is and the spot she pats for Nilou to sit. She's afraid she may be blushing.

Dunyarzad, though, doesn't seem to notice. She's too excited about the festival. "I found out about something else we can do. Dehya was out on her day off and found an illegal bookseller. She brought me back an old novel set during a Sabzeruz Festival, which was so sweet of her. I haven't even told her about my plan yet. She got it all on her own, and told me that it mentioned Lesser Lord Kusanali, so she thought of me when she found it."

"That was nice of her," Nilou agrees. "What did you find out?"

"My favorite detail was that in the novel, they gave out special candies shaped like flowers. I thought that would be wonderful for the children."

"That would," Nilou agrees, charmed by the thought herself. "Did it say how to make them?"

"No. I was hoping you could find a confectioner who might have an idea. Or could make a new recipe, if that one was lost." Dunyarzad smiles brightly at her. "It might cost some more money, but I've figured out how to get us more funds. How much did you say you needed for the first round of orders, to start with? You can get estimates for the confectioners later."

"About five hundred thousand Mora," Nilou says, wincing as she says it. "But we can start with the venues, and that will only be two hundred thousand."

Dunyarzad only smiles even more brightly, radiant in her excitement, and leaps back to her feet. "I think I can cover that entirely, to start with. Though you'll have to help me. I know what my parents paid for most of these, but there's a difference between the commission price and what they might be worth for resale. I don't know if they'll be more valuable as a whole, or broken down for the gems and fabric."

Now and then Nilou is reminded that while Dunyarzad may be unfamiliar with the scrape-and-save economics of the Grand Bazaar, she is the daughter of a wealthy man who's known for handling his money well. She goes over to her dresser as she speaks, pulls a drawer open, and pulls out a few bundles of fabric. The first one she shakes out is a long skirt, a shade of red that doesn't suit her current pale complexion, though Nilou thinks it might have when she was healthier. It's embroidered with gold thread and amber beads.

"Mother wants me to keep these for when I'm well enough to attend events with Father again, but...." Dunyarzad's smile only dims a little. "She'll never know if a few have been sold. Dehya gave me the idea, actually. We were talking about her ornaments- you've seen them, right?"

"I've never seen them up close, but I've seen her in the Grand Bazaar before. They're very striking."

"Yes, the desert style is so beautiful. Especially on her." She smiles wistfully, her gaze going distant. Nilou's stomach starts to sink. She knows that look--she suspects she had worn that look this morning as she rushed through her chores at the Theater, given the teasing comments she had gotten. "She told me that they're mostly advertising. Everyone who knows mercenaries can see them and know they're looking at the Flame-Mane. But she also said that if she needs them to be, they're quick cash. In an emergency, if she doesn't have time to earn money, it's all nice enough to sell."

"Oh, there's people in the troupe do that. Though usually they try to just pawn them temporarily," Nilou adds. "Can I see all of them?"

"Here, let me lay them out."

"I'll help you."

Leaping up, Nilou hurries to take the skirts Dunyarzad hands her to lay out on the floor. Their hands brush as they touch, and her breath catches--thinks Dunyarzad's might, too. Some tentative hope still flutters within her as she kneels down to help lay out the selection of skirts.

"Oh," Dunyarzad exclaims, picking one back up. "Not this one, I'm sorry. Unless it's better than any of the others. The Festival does come first, but Deyha said this one looks the best on me, so if it's not especially valuable...."

It's not. Dehya is right, the silvery-blue and dusty purple colors match Dunyarzad's current complexion better than any of the bright colors otherwise on display. Besides that, though, it doesn't have the gold or silver thread of some of the others, it's beaded with pale quartz instead of anything more expensive, and the way it's pieced together would make it difficult to pick it apart in such a way that the fabric's quality would be preserved. Which means that Dehya likes it for how it looks on Dunyarzad, not because she has some sort of eye for value.

"No, that one isn't. These here, the one with the star sapphires and noctilucous jade, would be the easiest to break down without damaging anything, and the pieces would sell very well."

"Good. I've been trying to wear this more often. Dehya said there's no reason I can't wear nice things just to wear them, and she always smiles when she sees me in this one. She has a beautiful smile," she adds, earnestly, that wistful tone again. "People don't often smile around me these days... so when I see hers, it's always like seeing a brilliant sunset. Something worth treasuring, even if no one else notices how precious it is."

Nilou swallows hard, feeling that quavering hope sink down and die. She makes herself smile just as she had before, hoping Dunyarzad won't notice the difference. Even if Dunyarzad doesn't find her smile precious in the same way, she had sounded so sad when she said people don't smile around her. Nilou will never be one of those people who are mourning her early, instead of celebrating her presence.

"I understand," she says, refusing to feel sorry for herself. "If I take this one, I can afford at least the venue expenses, and we'll have a hundred to two hundred thousand Mora left over for other costs, depending on what I can sell the pieces for."

Dunyarzad's expression goes that bright and beaming again. "I'm so glad I could help!"

"We'll make the Sabzerzu Festival an event for everyone to remember," Nilou assures her, bundling up the skirt and scrambling to her feet. She could manage it on stage, but face-to-face with disappointment she can't make herself look this cheerful for long. "I should go start on taking these apart...."

"I don't want to delay you," Dunyarzad says, though she's clearly reluctant to let Nilou leave. "If you can't find the money elsewhere, come back and we'll pick out another you can use. The maids and Mother will notice if they all vanish, but they probably wouldn't notice one or two more."

"I will," Nilou assures her. Dunyarzad is so clearly lonely; Nilou doesn't mind coming back to give her some company another time. She just needs some time to mourn her crushed hopes first.

On the way out, she catches a glimpse of red and gold passing through the same courtyard she is, the Flame-Mane herself, an exuberant grin on her face as she heads for the hall to Dunyarzad's room. Nilou isn't sure if she knows about the skirt-selling plan, so she tucks the bundle closer and turns away. The jealousy she feels isn't fair. That Dunyarzad has someone in her life to smile for her, day in and day out, is what matters.

***

That Dunyarzad is *alive* is what matters, after that. It's not Nilou's fault--everyone rushes to tell her that it's not her fault, which honestly is worse than if they hadn't said anything reassuring at all, but she does know who to blame and it is the Grand Sage--but there is pain in knowing that it had been Nilou who anchored the samsara that nearly killed her.

Dunyarzad wouldn't want her to fret and fuss, though, when there's work to be done to help Lesser Lord Kusanali. Enough people are doing that. And knowing that Dehya is with her while Nilou joins in with that work makes it easier. Nilou's jealousy fades into determination, to do what Dunyarzad would wish her to, and relief, that she can do so without leaving her alone with only her parents' grief.

Whatever Lord Kusanali does to put an end to the scourge of eleazar, Nilou could hug her for it. Does, the first chance she gets, and takes her terribly by surprise--but she thinks their archon, after all her years of confinement, needed the hug.

"Thank you," she says, small and sweet, when Nilou lets go, and puts a hand on her arm. She looks deep into Nilou's eyes, her own eyes at once as bright and innocent as a newly-opened flower and as wise and deep as the forest itself. "Go to your friend! She wants to see you, too."

Nilou goes. And when she sees Dunyarzad with her arm around Dehya's waist, she can only smile, no matter how it stings, because Dunyarzad is alive to hold her and there's no place for sorrow in that joy.

***

Nilou's pulse flutters with anticipation as she knocks on the door of the Homayani estate. Anticipation, but no nerves; she's at the front door this time, confident of her welcome. The Homayanis have become open patrons of the Zubayr Theater. Dunyarzad's invitation in her hand only confirms her right to be here.

The last time she had been here had been the celebratory dinner arranged after Dunyarzad's recovery was confirmed. They had met in the Grand Bazaar a month later for the farewell dinner before Dunyarzad and Dehya left on their desert trip; Dunyarzad had insisted that she wanted to see a performance at the Theater one more time. Nilou does her best at every performance, but she'd put her all into that one, and Dunyarzad had been radiant and entranced.

She's not trying to compete with Dehya. That would be unkind to both Dunyarzad, whom she would never hurt, and Dehya, who since their first meeting has become something of a friend. But she still likes to see Dunyarzad smile so bright.

Which she does now, rising from her chair and holding her hands out to Nilou as she enters Dunyarzad's rooms. No more the enclosing curtains of a stifling sickroom; they've been pulled back, the windows flung wide, the terrace outside alive with pots of flowers.

"You're here! Come out to the terrace," she insists, dragging Nilou along. "I have so much to show you."

Dehya is waiting outside, of course, lounging on a bench beside the terrace's outdoor table. She grins and waves at Nilou, too. "Hey! Good to see you."

"How was your trip?"

"It was wonderful. We met a friend of Dehya's, Candace, in Aaru Village, and she showed us around. I never knew the desert could be so beautiful. Then Dehya took me the mausoleum of King Deshret, and to view Mount Damavand. There's supposed to be ruins at its foot, but we didn't go there this trip."

"Some of the Eremite tribes are responding better to the Akademiya's new outreach programs than others," Dehya says. "The ones around there aren't real friendly right now, and I wasn't going to take my lady into danger. We'll see how that looks in a few years."

Nilou smiles at them both, warmed by the happiness in Dunyarzad's voice. She looks happy--and healthy, her color so much better, her thin frame starting to fill out. The desert has been good for her. Getting to *go* to the desert, to escape the confines through which she lived her life, has been good for her.

"It sounds wonderful," she tells them.

"You should come the next time we visit," Dunyarzad says. "I'm sure you'd like it."

"Maybe in a few years the troupe can tour there. I'm busy with scheduled performances right now, but if we all went together, it could be a cultural exchange. I've heard a lot about the desert dances."

"They'd love you in Aaru Village."

"We can make plans later," Dunyarzad says. "For now, come see what I brought back."

She leads Nilou over to the table, where a lovely array of jewelry and ornaments have been spread out. Nilou gasps in delight. "These are gorgeous. Oh, look at this comb... and this hair clip... and oh, those ribbons.... You're going to be the talk of Sumeru City in these."

Dunyarzad smiles. "They're for you."

"Which ones?"

"All of them," Dehya says. "We had to rent a whole third sumpter beast on the way back from Caravan Ribat for everything she picked up there, and at least half of that was for you."

"That's not true," Dunyarzad says, laughing. "I bought small things! Your cosmetics took up just as much space, and most of it was the silk we brought home for Mother and the rugs for Father."

Dehya waves a hand in cheerful defeat.

"Dunyarzad, I can't take all of this," Nilou protests, her face hot. "It's very sweet of you, but this is...."

Putting aside the emotional weight of such a gift, this is worth more than the Theater makes in a *month*. If Nilou started wearing all of this, people would start looking around for her patron, and she doesn't think Dunyarzad would even think to keep quiet about that. The Homayanis are very kind people who don't need that scandal, and Nilou doesn't need more people than already do to think that her--attention--can be bought.

"You don't have to wear it all at once." Dehya gives her a sympathetic grin. "Pick a new piece every couple of weeks and rotate them out. My lady won't mind."

It occurs to her that a mercenary, someone else who sells her physical skills for her daily bread, might have run into the same sort of interest that dancers and actors often do. Especially a mercenary as attractive as Dehya inarguably is. And her strategy is a wise one.

"I don't want to completely change your aesthetic," Dunyarzad agrees, pink in the cheeks for all the wrong reasons and oblivious to Nilou's real concern.

Not that the aesthetic isn't a real concern, too, as she's established certain expectations to her audience, but--Nilou blushes harder, because that really should have been her first thought. She knows why the other had been instead. Her hopes she's long since peacefully put to bed, but the feelings that Dunyarzad's smile stir in her didn't go with them.

"If you're really sure...." She looks back at the gifts, still overwhelmed. "It's just so much."

"It cost less all together than that skirt I gave you."

"Yes, but that was for the Sabzeruz Festival, for Lord Kusanali-"

"Nilou." Dunyarzad takes her hands again, swinging her around to look directly at her. She looks so terribly, sweetly earnest. "When I was ill, and in despair, your dances always cheered me, and you were always so kind to me when we spoke after a performance. When I was locked away in this house, forbidden to leave, you sent me flowers, even though all the rest of the outside world was happy to pretend I didn't exist. When I wanted to do something for Lord Kusanali, to help celebrate the Sabzeruz Festival, you let me help- you believed I *could* help, even though I was sick and weak and useless. And every time I saw you, every time I got those flowers or read your letters, that time you came to visit... you always smiled so warmly, like a beautiful sunrise. Compared to the joy you brought me, these gifts are nothing at all."

The way Dunyarzad is looking at Nilou makes her knees want to turn to jelly. Her hands tremble in Dunyarzad's, and she can feel her blush blazing even brighter than before. If those words had come from anyone else, even if they'd come from Dunyarzad before she all but confessed her feelings about Dehya during that meeting before the Festival, Nilou would think-

"But you have Dehya," she blurts out, and wishes she could turn to water and dissolve into the terrace's stone.

"I do. And I don't mean to *ask* for anything," Dunyarzad says, her smile growing worried. "But when we went to Aaru Village.... Dehya has Candace, too, and once we'd talked about that, I thought I should at least let you know. It doesn't have to change our friendship, if you don't want it to. I will always value you as my friend before anything else. But," and there's that sweet, earnest look again, now anxious as well, "I have always thought you were beautiful."

Nilou glances frantically at Dehya, who's leaning forward and watching them with intense interest. She gives Nilou a thumbs-up.

"I don't know," Nilou says, overwhelmed. But already, hopes she'd thought crushed to silence are starting to stir again, fluttering within. She smiles shyly back at Dunyarzad. "We should talk about it, shouldn't we? But I *want* to talk about it."

Dunyarzad beams back at her, as excited as she'd been when giving her the gifts. "We should," she agrees, and then she's pulling Nilou in.

She could resist, if she wanted. Dunyarzad is stronger than she was before she left for the desert, but Nilou could easily twist away. And maybe they should talk first. But she doesn't want to. Her heart is racing with excitement, with hope reawoken into joy, and she leans in and kisses Dunyarzad as thoroughly as she possibly can.

[uncanny-tranny]

It's okay to just be binary you know

It's also okay to let trans people do whatever they want forever. Hope this helps.