#I think today is just a bad anxiety day lol I'm sure I'll be fine in a few hours

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[genderfluidmormon]

Oh no I'm being perceived

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Code Blue Ch. 17- Safe Haven

Summary: Josie awakens to a sweet text. She later receives good news and another sign. A fairytale ensues. Jo and Lee share a warm embrace and a wish. Unexpected company arrive, adding to the day's gloom. Jo stands by her man which enamors him. Lee shares some childhood memories with her. The two deeply connect until forces of nature intervene, only bringing them closer together.

*Warnings* Angst, language, mentions of drug/alcohol use and terms, funeral mentions, grief and guilt,

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Chapter characters: Lee, Josie, Gordon, Donna

Salem, Massachusetts

February 26, 2023

8 am.

You stretched and yawned with a frown as your phone's beep woke you up from a rather sleepless night due to all of your anxiety. An exuberating smile formed on your face though as you read the text from Lee...and the butterflies started in again.

"Good morning beautiful girl. Thank you for coming to my dad's showing last night. It meant everything to me. I cannot wait to see you today."

To know you were the first thing on his mind when he woke up and that he was anticipating your presence was the most blissful feeling.

"Heyyy there sweet guy. Are you doing alright this morning? I know how hard this day is for you."

"I will be just fine once I have you in my sight. You make everything better....like a whole pint of ice cream."

"Lol. Now I want ice cream."

"What's your favorite kind?"

"Definitely black cherry."

"You and this cherry thing. I like it. I still remember the taste of your cherry chap stick. Hey sweetheart, I gotta go pick up my suit. Come on over any time you like...can't wait to see you ice princess."

You were thankful Lee couldn't see how red you just turned from the embarrassment of how he had easily figured out you basically kissed him in your attempted CPR when you found him unconscious from his attic fall, thinking he wasn't breathing....but when you had realized he was, you had still kept your lips adjoined to his because his mouth was the most succulent thing you'd ever felt.

"Ice princess? lol, that's a new one."

"Well that's what you are. Watching you on the ice the other day was such royal vision."

"Certainly better than the vision of me falling on my ass in your yard."

"Oh, no. That was even better. 😊🤪"

"Ha...ha. Well, then I'm going to take you skating with me and see how you do on that!"

"I'll tell you right now, my feet are better when they're flat on unslick surfaces. We'll both end up at the hospital because I'll take you right down with me."

"What? You can't ice skate?"

"Or roller skate, or skateboard, rollerblade, ski...anything that moves beneath my feet is a disaster waiting to strike...except for my car."

"Well, I will gladly teach you. You could come to one of my classes. The girls would get a kick out of that lol."

"Oh I see how it is. Embarrass myself in front of a bunch of children that can do something a grown ass man can't...I'd be up for private lessons though. 😇"

"Hmm. That can be arranged. Hey don't feel bad. Ice is an excuse for casualties. I have no excuse for just walking! lmao."

"True dat! lol. Surely there must be something though that you don't know how to do, that I know how to do and could teach you....besides walking."

"Lol...There is actually, but it's embarrassing. Hey, you need to go, remember? lol."

"Ohhh now it's on, like freaking donkey kong. I won't forget about this and will get it out of you later. See you soon gorgeous."

"TTFN!"

"LOL"

Oh how that man made you smile...but you also felt sad because he was trying to act normal when he was about to bury his father.

Now you needed to find something black and conservative to wear because you certainly were not going to bling out like Jason requested of you for his funeral. You weren't going to know anyone there but Lee and didn't want to draw attention to yourself...well, besides Amy, Britt and Ethan, whom you just met...but you had no idea if Orlando was going to go. You certainly hoped he would, regardless of the tension between him and Lee because they were best friends and really needed each other right now more than ever. It really bothered you that you were the cause of their feud.

Just then, your phone rang and you immediately recognized the number. A call you had been waiting on.

"Hello?'

"Hey there, just Josie. It's Craig, your new landlord as of today. Your check cleared and you are good to move in whenever you'd like."

You giggled that he was till calling you just Josie.

"Oh gosh, that's great! Thank you for calling. It will probably be around the end of the week. A lot is going on right now."

"That's fine. Just stop at my studio where we met to get the keys and sign the lease. I'm usually here."

"Ok. Thank you again Mr. Parker."

'Ah ah. Just Craig remember?"

"Oh, that's right. Well thank you again just Craig." you replied with a chuckle.

"I've created a monster." he laughed. "See you soon. Have a good day just Josie."

"You too, Goodbye."

"YES YES!!!" you shouted in excitement after you hung up. Finally, your own place and to be free of Megan for the most part....and you were already daydreaming of having Lee come over....maybe he could even help you move in.

Well. What to do now? you thought, since you probably wouldn't head to Lee's until the afternoon....although you desperately wanted to go now because you were missing him something fierce. What the hell had he done to you? You swore on the holy bible that you would never let any man close to you again and here was Dr. love, crashing through your barriers like a wrecking ball. You had tried to fend him off in order to protect yourself, and even him, but here you were, being reeled back in, hook, line and sinker.

You decided to get up and do some packing to kill some time and turned on your music, only to be floored by yet another in your face sign.

"Noooo way..." you whispered as you stared at the stereo.

This should have made you happy, but instead, you dropped on your butt and began to cry. Why? You knew why. You were scared to death that this was all going to be too good to be true and as fast as that wrecking ball came in and wiped out all the bad, it was going to swing back and demolish all the good. You were at the point of no return, where your life would never be the same after Lee. There was no one like him, for he was merely something you always dreamed of, but believed could never exist....only in fairytales, like you wrote.

You got up and sat at your desk, opening your laptop to Facebook to see that Lee had sent you a friend request. You happily accepted it with an uncontrollable smile and then began to type in a post for the day.

"She dreamed improbable dreams, followed her heart and created her own little fairytale. Everything you look at can become a fairy tale and you can get a story from everything you touch. I made a wish upon a star, I turned around and there you were."

You then began to look through Lee's photos that you couldn't see before since his profile was private. You about shit when you saw a photo of his farm from an aerial view. He certainly was not exaggerating about the acreage and how easily it would be to get lost in the forest if you didn't know your way around it. It was a picture of pure heaven. A house, a barn and a pond all secured by nothing but trees. He was right. It was a place to escape the world. A place of magic.

Lee had quite a bit of nature photos. He certainly was a great photographer. Was there nothing this man could not do...besides ice skate? There was a multitude of pics from his farm, his lake house, his car and trucks, animals, and even some of himself, which blew you away at his many different looks, from short to long hair, beards to baby faced and you loved every single one of them. One that really made you swoon was him and a beautiful black dog laying on his lap.

You blushed as you wished it was you laying there, wanting to comment and say how jealous you were of that dog, but you refrained as to not embarrass him.

After about a half an hour of stalking his page, there was suddenly a notification. Upon clicking it, it was from Lee, commenting on your post. You leaned in to read his small paragraph of a reply.

"You're mad, completely bonkers, off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are. You make me believe in fairytales.....but it's not a fairy tale if you lose your shoe at midnight, because that is probably something you would do just by merely walking...or you're just drunk. Either way, that shoe would fit no one else."

You didn't know whether to laugh or cry and ended up doing both. How was this man real? You replied with no jokes, but with all sincerity.

"I have been looking for you since I heard my first fairy tale."

"Took you long enough. Did you fall down a rabbit hole? Now, would you get over here already? You're late for a very important date."

You decided to text him with your answer instead so that your business wasn't put out there.

"Lol...well, I'm not ready, unless you don't mind me bringing my things and getting ready there? I can bring lunch if you're hungry?"

"Well there's my little mad hatter. Of course you can get ready here. I'm not all too hungry. Nerves I suppose. There will be a dinner party after the service. I'll try to eat then."

You felt so bad for him. He clearly needed you so you told him you were on your way and rushed to gather your things, but quickly texted Orlando to see if he was going to attend the funeral.

"Hey...just wanted to know if you are coming today. I really hope so....and I hope that you are ok. I haven't told Lee about what happened. Not yet anyways. Please, at least tell me you're alright. I'm worried about you...and I really mean that."

You got in your Monte Carlo and sat for a few minutes, waiting to see if he would reply.

"I'm fine." was all you got...but it was better than nothing.

Your phone then beeped, but it wasn't Orlando. It was Lee.

"Hey sweet girl, I forgot to tell you I'm at my lake house. Moving some of mine and Jacob's stuff in from the house. The door's open, you can just come on in....if that's ok with you, to come here after...well you know.."

"Of course it's fine. Let's just forget about all that. On my way. I'll be there shortly."

"Can't wait. Drive safe."

You pulled into the descending driveway about twenty minutes later. It was a gloomy, rainy like day, but wasn't it always when there was a funeral? As soon as you got out of the car, you could hear music blaring from inside the enormous two story lake house. You took a minute to admire the garden of mulit-colored roses on the opposite side of the driveway that looked very well pampered. It amazed you that they would thrive in February but the weather had been so spring like, including the incline of stormy weather, which was also threatening the current day.

You made your way inside the open garage door which led you through a basement and followed the sound of the music up a set of stairs.

There was a door open to a back room and you peeked inside as you smiled at the song he was playing. More Than a Woman by the Bee Gees.

You stood at the top of the three steps that led down into the room and watched him lightly singing while he was moving boxes around. When he sat a box down, the angle of his face revealed to you that he had shaved, making him appear ten years younger than his already ageless self. There was that babyface again that you so adored. For just a moment, you imagined it being your things that he was moving in, which is something you never would have thought of, yet here you were, envisioning a future with him.

After he sat the box down, he slowly turned to see you smiling at him as he had smelled your perfume. The look on his face was so melancholic and his gleaming eyes begged for you to hold him.

You reached your arms out to him with a frown.

"Come here."

He came to you and you both just gazed at each other, then he closed his eyes and melted into your arms, squeezing you so tight. You fit inside his grip like a glove as he buried his face into your neck.

You didn't know what to do for him except just hold him for awhile. The feeling was definitely mutual on how much you had missed him, for it was obvious in the way he held you, but even more so when he spoke into your ear.

"I missed you so much Jo." His voice sounded so defeated.

"Hey, it's alright. I am here now...and I missed you too."

You held each other in silence for a few moments. It felt so nice, so right, so safe.

"I can't swim." you mumbled in his ear.

He pulled back and gave you a raised brow. "What?"

"You wanted to know what it was that I can't do that you could...well I assume you can swim. I guess I shouldn't presume that about others considering I'm not the only one in the world without that skill."

"Yes, you're right. I know someone else who cannot....but hey, that's alright. I could always teach you sometime? When it's warmer, maybe here on the bay? Behind all these trees, there's a nice beach."

"Ohhh, I don't know. I would prefer to just...not. I really don't like the water. I feel like such a joke sometimes. I afraid of heights, afraid of small spaces, I'm afraid of the dark and storms...I'm surprised I haven't turned into one of those people that can't leave their house."

"Hey, you are not a joke young lady. We're all afraid of something."

"Well...what are you afraid of?"

"Losing you."

"Lee...I'm not going anywhe..."

The alarm on Lee's phone went off. He released you and grinned.

'Make a wish."

"What?" you asked with a clueless smile.

"It's 11:11. You're the one that got me hooked on that, remember?"

You did remember, very well. It had been your very first text conversation with him and you had told him how you believed in it. At that time, he was quite skeptical but still made a wish as you had also. Later, you found out that he had wished for you when he revealed that in a serious moment....the night you panicked over your feelings and had pushed him away.

"Annnnd...you set your alarm to that time?" you asked with a giggle.

"I did, so that twice a day, every day, I could wish for you."

Oh dear god, your heart fluttered, taking your breath away as you gaped at him in pure awe.

"But...I think your wish has already came true." you smirked.

"Can't be too careful. Nothing lasts forever. But I am hoping....no, I am wishing... that this will."

"Me too." you softly agreed, lost in his eyes.

You were highly superstitious, which you supposed you could consider another fear and now you silently panicked because you had both just revealed your wishes, which you believed you weren't supposed to do. Too many things had happened in your life that had led you to the point of being overly cautious.

The doorbell then rang. You cringed at the timing to your fearful thoughts.

When Lee opened the door, he did not look too enthused to see the dressed up dark haired man and redheaded woman standing there. She was dressed as if she were going to a fancy dinner party or something of the sort.

"Gordon, Donna? Why are you here?"

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but our father passed away, so I thought I would come to the funeral." The shorter and older man than Lee snidely said.

"The funeral isn't for hours yet so why are you at my house? I don't recall inviting you."

Now it was clear. This was the older brother Lee told you about, that he didn't get along with and his wife that he had compared to Megan.

"Did I need one to come visit my brother?"

"Yes, you did. I have company. You could have just spoken to me at the service, in which I didn't even expect you to got to since you're never around."

"Can we cut the bullshit for the time being and maybe you could let us come in? It's getting ready to storm."

You had a feeling that was going to be quite the metaphor soon enough since you were almost at the expert level of reading Lee like a book. His entire stance and demeanor was now cold and unsettling.

He reluctantly stepped aside and let them in, both gawking at you.

Lee hesitantly but politely introduced you.

"Josie, this is my brother Gordon and his wife Donna."

You instantly picked up on Lee calling you Josie instead of Jo. He didn't want them calling you that, for he knew you only liked certain people to do so, but you also knew he was being protective of you....and his privilege.

He turned to you and half smiled as he mouthed. "I'm sorry." and took off his overshirt and went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of wine and glasses. The elephant in the room was couldn't be missed, but Lee still attempted to be hospitable because that was him, a good man. You all sat down as Lee poured the dark red vintage, his glass with barely any in it, but first handed you yours.

"Here you are sweetheart." he said with a smile as he sat down beside you. "I'm sorry that it's warm."

Lee was also sorry that he was serving it to you, for it was a brand that he thought tasted like shit and purposely saved it to serve to people like Gordon and Donna.

"Sweetheart is it? So are you two like a...real thing? You usually have a different one every month."

Your mouth dropped open at Gordon's passive aggressive remark. Lee sat with his arms crossed over his chest, his mouth also now open in disbelief as he stared at his brother, and then at Donna who remained silent and sipped her wine.

"How would you know anything about my life when you're too wrapped up in your own perfect little world? I'm not that person anymore and there was no reason to make that disrespectful comment to or about me, or in front of her." Lee bluntly stated.

"How was that disrespectful? I simply asked an honest question. No need to be hasty because I have a good life and yours is in shambles....still. I'm sure your new girlfriend of the month will soon figure that out."

"Excuse me??" you blurted out. "First of all, the new girlfriend is sitting right here and not going anywhere because I actually care about Lee and second, you don't know me and I certainly do not know you but from the few harrowing moments of meeting you, we can definitely cut the bullshit because I can easily see that you don't seem to even know your own brother, nor respect him."

Lee's widened eyes slowly glided to you in shock of your defense of him....and to the fact you called yourself his girlfriend, not to mention your feisty spirit that turned him on to no end. He was also reveling in how you flatly called out a complete stranger and owned every word of it.

"I like you. This one's a keeper Lee. Just don't fuck it up and maybe you can have something good like Donna and I do." Gordon patronized. Lee grinned and shook his head, knowing that what you and he had would never be anything like their twisted relationship. Donna merely smiled, watched and listened. You could tell she was enjoying the drama. A spitting image of Megan indeed.

Thunder began and the lights flickered, causing you to gasp. Lee immediately reached his hand over to yours.

"Hey, it's alright. I'm right here." he softly said as he laced his fingers into yours. It was unexplainable how you promptly felt relief at his touch, like nothing could hurt you. He was seemingly the cure to all of your fears.

"How did you even know I was here?" Lee asked with sarcasm.

"Well, that would be because we went to your old house and the family farm, so I figured a third times a charm. Look at that, I'm a poet and I don't know it."

"Technically, you do know it if you just said you're a poet and next time, if there even has to be a next time, call before you just show up." Lee snarked.

"Oh little brother, it seems you are in need of some fun. I have some if you want hooked up. Maybe it can pull that stick out of your ass and help you lighten up a bit."

Lee knew exactly what fun he was referring to. In fact, Gordon was the entire reason he had ever used any drugs in the first place, besides alcohol. Gordon was a huge cokehead but wasn't limited to the white lightning.

"I think it's time for you to go. Right now. Or I can take that stick out of my ass and beat you with it." Lee nonchalantly stated.

The looks on their faces, right along with yours was priceless.

You were so proud of him for declining the drugs and for threatening to open a can of whoop ass on his brother....and you would have cheered him on while he did it. It was obvious to you that Gordon had came there to intentionally antagonize Lee all over the farm dispute....and what Gordon said next, proved it.

Gordon and Donna stood up and put their coats back on.

"We will see you later then at the funeral home. Just know one thing. Enjoy the farm while you can. I am going to get back what was rightfully mine."

"Have at it." Lee barked as he slammed the door shut behind them.

Lee roughed his hand down his face and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with ice water, then chugged it down to get the nasty aftertaste from the one sip of wine out of his mouth. He then stood at the kitchen sink and stared out the window. You followed him in and stood behind him, wrapping your arms around his stomach and laying your face against his back. He smiled and cupped his hands over yours.

"You ok?" you squeaked with a frown on your saddened face.

"I am. You know Jo, you're a light in my darkened world. What you just did in there....I...I just have no words for. It means a lot."

If he only knew how you handled Elizabeth, he'd be even happier, but you weren't going to ruin any more of this day for him because that meant you would have to tell him why the encounter happened in the first place. It could wait.

"Well, that jerk deserved it. I mean, how dare he come into your home and speak to you that way, or even at all. Burns my ass. Now I see why you two are at odds. He's despicable."

"My sediments exactly. There was a time when he was actually an ok guy and we got along. It was many years ago and we were both different people then. My bad boy days I suppose one would call it. Having Jacob changed me though...and then Donna changed Gordon. She's trouble."

"Yeah, I caught on to that right away with her quiet act. Those are the dangerous type since I know one very well."

It thundered again as if the weather agreed with your words. It rumbled through the floor, startling you into burrowing your face between his shoulder blades as you squeezed him tight. Lee lifted his arm and turned, wrapping it around your shoulders and pulled you against his chest.

"It's alright. I've got you. Hey, let me show you something."

He put his index finger against the window, pointing to something.

"There. Do you see that island of trees across the bay in the far distance?"

You looked out the window and could see the stormy sky and lake peeking over the top of the boat house which you hadn't been able to view from the driveway as the entire desolate lake house was surrounded by trees.

"The one to the right behind the weather pole?"

"Yeah...I like to go there on my boat or canoe and camp. It's another one of my safe havens. It's uninhabited. Just a huge forest. Do you like camping?"

"I do, although I haven't went in years."

"Would you like to go with me sometime? I mean, that's if you're ok with being on a boat. I have life jackets, and well, I would sit right beside you. I would never let anything happen to you Jo."

"I know you wouldn't. Yeah, of course. I would love to go with you. This place is so beautiful Lee. I'd love to see the rest of it."

"Then so you shall. Come with me my lady." he grinned and extended his hand out to you.

You took his hand and he led you back to the room you had been in and out the french doors that had an enormous wooden deck attached to the back of the house which also wrapped around to the top of the garage. That side had a large hot tub that looked like a small swimming pool and at the end was a slide that dropped off into the inlet of the lake, something you knew you were certainly never going to use. The other side at the back of the house was furnished like an entire living room and had stairs leading down to a giant yard with a fire pit and a trail behind it that led through the trees out to the beach area Lee had told you about. This place alone could be considered a safe haven, you thought. If it were yours, you would never leave it.

For the next three hours, you and Lee sat next to each other on the sheltered deck talking and eating pb & j sandwiches that he made while it rained and thundered, which didn't even bother you now. Everything was so peaceful and perfect....but then it was time to get ready for his father's service.

Lee led you upstairs to a guest room for you to get ready and he went down the hall to his bedroom to do the same.

Lee began dressing and stood in front of a mirror tying his red tie.

He had it all planned out what he was going to wear, but once he was finished, he stared at himself and began to feel uncomfortable as he knew his father would also be wearing a red tie. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he hated the white shirt, so he ripped them both off in frustration and chose a black button down shirt, leaving it open at the neckline so he wouldn't feel suffocated. Grabbing his black jacket, he then headed downstairs to wait for you.

Lee went to the kitchen and downed a double shot of whiskey as his nerves were getting the best of him. How he had dreaded this day and now it was here, only moments before he would see his dad lying in a casket. He stood looking down at his shoes which triggered a memory of him and his dad when Lee was as old as Jacob when he died.

Shoes. His dad had so many and Lee remembered being fascinated with them.

He then remembered that same day, how they sat on the floor talking about trains and he would show him how the sounded the horn.

And then another memory of when Lee was older popped in his mind of his father dancing in circles, and Lee would do the same.

Finally, one last memory flashed at him. His dad buckling his seatbelt and that hit Lee hard.

You came down the stairs and into the kitchen to find Lee lost in thought with tear filled eyes.

"Hey...talk to me. We still have some time before we have to go."

Lee put on a fake smile as his fingertips grazed your cheek.

"You look really beautiful Jo.....I...I was just reminiscing I suppose, remembering some moments with my dad when I was a kid." he explained as his smile then became real.

"Would it help if you talked about them? I'd be really glad to hear stories about your dad."

"I was just thinking about how I loved my dad's shoes so much. He had so many. He would line them up and I would take turns putting each pair on and walking around in them, feeling like a grown up just like him. I remember my feet being so small that I could barely keep the shoes on. He stood and watched me the entire time with a smile on his face. There was one pair though that was my favorite. Black shiny loafers. I am wearing them now. Ironic isn't it, that my feet now fit perfectly inside of them? He never got bored with the daily routine of entertaining me after his long day at work. He always loved trains like I told you about and that he had bought that train set for Jacob that I have set up. When I was Jacob's age, about 5, I remember him showing me how to blow the horn by putting my hand up and pulling down over and over. I used to imitate everything he did. I loved him and wanted to be just like him."

"And you are. You became a doctor just like he was."

"I'm not really like him Jo. He always buckled my seatbelt...always. Never once did he forget. But I...I didn't make sure Jacob's was. I trusted his mother to do it...I should have checked Jo. My dad was a good and responsible dad...but not me."

Lee almost broke down and all you could do was take him into your arms and just hold him.

"Sweet guy, you were a very good father to that precious little boy because you loved him. You trusted his mother to do what she was supposed to do. That is not your fault. I wish you would believe that....and you were a good son too, your dad told you that. You took care of him just like he did you... I wish I could take all of this guilt and pain away." you compassionately told him into his ear as your heart broke. You couldn't handle it, seeing him suffer. You were never going to let anyone hurt him again, at least you would do your damnedest to prevent it.

"You take a lot of it away Jo, just by being here with me. You're my saving grace Jo. I truly feel that if I had never met you, I wouldn't be standing here right now." he replied right back into your ear.

You glided your cheek across his and stopped to slowly turn and hold a kiss upon it as you held his other cheek in your hand. As you released your lips from his smooth supple skin, he turned his face to you, his mouth just inches from yours. The scent of his warm minty breath flowed up your nose as he whispered your name. "Jo..."

You stood frozen, your lips trembling and slightly parted as his carefully neared yours. Was this moment finally going to happen? Were you finally going to feel him return the kiss you secretly gave him a month ago?

Of course not. Lightning flashed through the room and loud bang of thunder followed... and then the lights went out. You screamed and jumped against him so hard, almost knocking you both over.

"Hey, hey, hey shhhh...it's ok, it's ok baby. You're safe with me." he lovingly assured you as he held you snug in his strong arms. You huffed and puffed into his chest with your eyes crunched shut, listening to his pounding heart. "I have a generator...but let's just get out of here alright? I'll drive, my car is in the garage."

You nodded as he softly kissed your head. Lee kept his arm around you, leading you down the dark basement steps and helping you into his car.

"Here, scoot over here." he smiled and patted the open space between you both. You didn't even hesitate and swiftly slid up against him.

He glanced down into your eyes and you saw something in his that you could only simply describe as happiness.

"Girlfriend huh?" he said with silly smirk.

You lightly gasped in embarrassment, forgetting that you had blurted that out to Gordon without it ever being officially affirmed.

The corner of Lee's mouth raised into a grin and then he proudly drove off with you protectively under his wing. You felt sheltered and secure for once in your life and you finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lee was your safe haven...and you were his.

[domesticated-whores]

Hate when I'm reminded of a stupid little trigger, lol. Story time because writing things out calms me a bit.

I was hanging out with my guy last night and when he was walking me home late we saw his buddies (one of which is like a mutual work friend, I know and like all these people, he just knows them better) standing outside their place smoking so we stopped for a bit. They were talking about going to see a movie today and our work friend jokingly asked for permission to have my guy for the day so that the group could go to the movies and I was like "lol, sure, I guess I'll let you have him for a day" or whatever. At this point I was cool with the fact that it looked like I wasn't invited. I don't know these people as well, some of them I've never even directly spoken to, I know I would very much be tagging along with my guy. I'm cool with not being invited, I'd probably go if directly asked but I'm also not going to insert myself into my guy's friend group. Probably never, but ESPECIALLY not when we aren't even really together yet. And frankly I've been hanging out with my guy most days and I have shit to do at home that I've been neglecting and my cats miss me, so I could use a catch-up day.

But then work friend accidentally said the phrase that unleashes every fucking ounce of anxiety in me. "I would invite you, but..."

He said he'd invite me, but I work early so he assumed I'd not want to go to a movie on 5 hours of sleep, kind of with the implication that they'd all be hanging out late after the movie too. I probably go to bed WAY earlier than anyone else there. I wouldn't be one to ask my guy to leave early because I'm getting kinda sleepy or some shit, but fair enough line of thought. It's not a rare phrase, I know. Maybe it's a bit rude to assume literally right in front of the person instead of asking if i wanted to go, but it's usually more of a wording issue than anything else. And maybe you're suppose to correct people when they have the wrong assumption, maybe my anxiety is the problem there too. I don't know.

But growing up autistic and (later) pretty severely mentally ill, I was always in friend groups out of pity or as some kind of joke. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was really bullied growing up in that subtle little way that goes over a kid's head when they're just do gullible and honest and literal. That's all I fucking knew, those were the only "friends" I've ever had. Ever. All my life people have made decisions for me like that, but with double meaning and bad intention. "You should come to this (for entertainment value, so we can make fun of you)!!" and "I would have invited you, but (we don't want you there) it doesn't seem like something you'd be into..." After being told over and fucking over again how stupid I am for taking this shit at face value and not seeing that it was "obvious" lies, I finally had it imprinted into me to see the worst meaning behind it. And now I can't even see another meaning with people that I really do trust.

But I KNOW it isn't logical. Even if I don't trust the guy that said it enough to know for sure that that's not what he meant (and I don't think he'd be one to do that honestly, I just have trust issues and I'm not super close to him) I really honest to god trust my guy and I don't think his friend would slight me in front of him, nor do I think he'd not say anything at all if it was meant to be read like that. Even if it was a dismissive response, I think he would have acknowledged it (with like an "lol, rude" or smth) at least. So I'm pretty sure that, outside of my own anxiety and trauma, it didn't mean anything.

But, fuck, did it hit. It hit hard. I think I masked fine, hopefully? But now it's getting to me a little bit. I'm wondering if the first actual friends I've ever had actually ARE my friends. But what the fuck can I even do about it?

Again, I know it's just that it triggered a little response in me and it isn't actually like that, so I guess I'll just try to talk myself out of it. I could ask my guy about it and request a bit of validation or something, but I really would rather not do that. I don't think he'd be terrible about it, he knows I struggle with that stuff a lot and he'd probably be totally willing to reassure me. But I wouldn't even know how to word it, and then he'd probably end up telling me to come and I think that would make my anxiety worse because EVEN WITH REASSURANCE I would have a creeping anxiety that I was only invited because I caught onto what they were doing and they felt obligated to cover it up by letting me go along. Again, not logical, but anxiety rarely is. And it's over SUCH a little thing that it's fucking embarrassing as hell. This man has heard me vent and seen me have full on meltdowns over being overstimulated or stressed, but that's usually over an accumulation of several very real and actively stressful things. I feel comfortable enough with him, but I do not feel comfortable enough with myself to explain how a very basic phrase hit me so hard because of shit that's happened years ago now.

[jaderimehardt]

Opened my Etsy Shop!

Hello! o/ I mentioned in last night's blog post that THIS post was coming today, so here we are!

It took a while to gain the courage for me to do this, but I finally opened my Etsy shop!

With my Etsy shop open, the path is open for me to place Resin pieces in it whenever I desire to. All my products will be in one place. And like before when my shop was on RedBubble, all items in my Etsy are still using my own self-created art/graphics with no use of AI.

I use a completely outdated freebie version of Photoshop CS2 for my art. I show some of my layer work here on my Tumblr if anyone is ever curious enough to browse through my posts or follow. I might make it a habit to show more of that in the future because the world is becoming more accustomed to using AI and society is becoming split on the matter.

But enough on this controversial topic, I just wanted to make it clear that I do NOT use AI and I'm not a fan of it in the art world.

I knew I wanted a Print-to-Order on-Demand "Partner" and that was something I was looking heavily into for the longest time. Actually I think this was causing me the most anxiety, because this is important! This is where quality of products comes in. I do my homework guys. I research thoroughly.

I found one I'm very pleased with, and it's Printful. Look forward to future blog posts similar to my "RedBubble Product Review Posts", because I've ordered items from Printful with my graphics and I'll be doing reviews on their items. I'll try to do them more often too 👍🏻 (assuming life doesn't get in the way and I have funds to do so, lol)

So far I've added 38 listings to my shop. I don't want to overcrowd it. I feel for the amount of designs I have and the amount of products Printful has available for me to utilize, this is balanced. From here I'll work on new designs.

If there is something OLD that you may have liked (in my RB shop) and is no longer available (in my Etsy shop), I apologize, but I have to put the past behind me and move forward.

There is a fear of "Will this work for me, or not?" on Etsy, because I need to pull in traffic and their rating requirement system is harsh- basically need 5-stars otherwise you drop out of their search engines entirely. But "nothing risked, nothing gained".

I'm putting this at the bottom of the post because it's more on the ranting side, but RedBubble upped their tier fees again which also inspired much of this change.

I mentioned this in a Tumblr post a couple days ago, but to break it down and put it in perspective:

An Artist in "Redbubble Standard" tier who earned a 25$ paycheck in a month used to get charged an 11$ fee. That's 43%. Couldn't change their tier. It progressively scales worse, and all us RB sellers thought that was bad.

Now with their new system, that they tried to play off as "This will include a fee increase of less than $1 for most artists.", is significantly worse. (That's literally how they phrased it in the e-mail)

If you make 25$ a month in "Redbubble Standard" tier, you get charged a 17$ fee. That's 67%. And it continues to rise at an insane rate- in the 70%+ range.

They have a form you can attempt to submit, trying to "get a real person to reevaluate your shop to be placed in a different tier"- but that doesn't work. I tried it. Pretty sure that inspires false hope and it's bogus. I didn't even get an automated basic reply back. Not a "you submitted a form!" or "you've been denied." or "your evaluation is in progress.", nothing.

RedBubble products were okay quality. At times the quality wasn't that great in my opinion but people liked the items I felt that way about and economics is all about supply & demand 🤷🏻‍♀️. I was fine selling their items because the pricing was on par with the quality. The saying "You get what you pay for." comes to mind. But would I go out of the way to buy their items? No.

And I'm going to apologize again if any or all of this sounds negative or sarcastic or moody... I'm just saying things like I see it 😅🫠

Thank you everyone who has been supporting me all this time! 💖 And to anyone new! 💖

(I know the point of posting on this website is to tag all the things, but I feel bad and weird about tagging all the things 😖)

[greydiminishing]

im soo anxious today and i dont know why i feel so bad. Im going to write down all the things im anxious about or just things taking up too much room in my brain, cause I heard that helps. then maybe I'll make a plan.

Current anxieties:

Moving back to school next week after a year and a half. I knew i was leaving sometime mid-january. I know that it is now January. Yet it still comes as a surprise to me that I only have one week before I leave. Going back to school has been on my mind like 24/7, how did I let it sneak up on me?? Dont get me wrong, I'm so ready to get out of this house, but im not ready to say bye to my dog yet :(

Anxiety about my hair: I have pretty severe hair thinning from telogen effluvium. You can see my scalp. I've been hacking at it myself, keeping it short for the past year. Its uneven and choppy, which is fine when I'm holed up in my room everyday. But now I want to get it cut by professionals. I've been meaning to schedule an appointment for that, but never got to it. Im kind of embarrassed to even have someone see the state of my head. And now I only have a week. I'm hoping that cutting it a bit shorter will make it fluffier and harder to see my scalp, but what if it doesn't? In the 10 years I've been suffering with hair loss, this is the worst its ever been. And of course this is the point when I really, really, desperately want to make new friends and possibly even a relationship. But that's gonna be a bit difficult when the back of my head looks like gollum's.

Acne: For some reason, my acne has gotten really bad in the past few months??? Painful, cystic acne like I've never had before. of course, right before i make my debut back into society for the first time in nearly two years lol. And with my hair super short now, all my acne is on FULL display. I need some good skincare and color correcting makeup.

Me and my friend (T) want to "hang out sometime before break ends" but that's the extent of our plans. I LOVE her and of course I want to hang out with her, but at the same time, I dont want to hang out with anyone. I dont want to leave the house. Im bald and covered in painful acne, and im a ball of anxiety for no reason. But I feel bad because I do wanna hang out. And also because she is always the one who reaches out to me, not the other way around. I dont think im being a very good friend..

Dentist. I really need to get to the densist. I haven't gotten a cleaning in about 2 years... I brush my teeth everyday and floss most days, but I'm still prone to cavities for some reason. Recently, my crown has come off. I just pop it back in and it seems fine, but i know that's gotta get fixed. Thats another appointment I've been procrastinating. Especially with the acne that tends to bubble up around my mouth and lips, its sometimes painful to even open my mouth, let alone keep my mouth stretched open for 30 minutes. Also its embarrassing and ugly and i dont want the dentist looking so closely at my nasty pimples. But i really need a cleaning and to get that crown fixed and I only have a week left. Can you even schedule a dentist appointment the week before?

Apartment. Housing told me I won't know my housing assignment until the first week of January. I have no idea where on campus I'm gonna be living. Roommates or no roommates? One of the campus apartments comes unfurnished. Hopefully i dont get that one but what if i do? I move in next week, will i need to buy a bed frame? a desk? idunno?? Well, i probably won't get the unfurnished one, so im sure it'll be fine. I just hope i have no roommates.

Packing. I need to pack. Packing is always incredibly overwhelming for me. Its alot to think about. I always take my bass to school, but I've been playing guitar more and now I want too take both. I need a case/bag for the guitar cause I dont have one. I feel like my dad is gonna try to make me take one or the other, but i really want both. Im always scared of packing too much or not enough stuff or forgetting something important. I should start now so i dont have to stress so much about it.

clothes. All of my clothes are in a big pile on the bottom bunk. I need to wash all of them to get the bugs and dust off. Also need to pick more consciously what i want to bring, since most of that stuff i dont even wear anymore. I really need new clothes too. Most of my wardrobe is stuff from highschool. But new clothes are expensive :(

money. i have maybe $2000 in my account. Im sad because I really wanted to save all my money to put into renovating my van, but that didnt happen. I dont like asking my parents for money. I'd like to keep $1500 minimum pillow in my account at all times. That should be enough for groceries at ~$120 a month, but no spending money. Which sucks cause I really want to buy clothes and skincare and makeup and expensive rosemary oil for my hair. And i want to have friends this time around. You typically need a bit of spending money to hang out with friends; grabbing lunch/coffee, bowling, staying in and ordering a pizza, etc.

Job. I applied for a job on campus for spending money. On the application it asks you to mark the times you are available. This always felt weird to me that my boss would know exactly when im available. Maybe that's just a me issue. So on the application, i moreso marked the hours of my preferred shifts haha. That was a few weeks ago, and the manager finally got back to me, telling me my availability didn't align with what they needed. Thats totally on me :P oops. I think they will allow me to resend my availability though, I'll be less stingy with my time this time around. Though I am scared of getting stuck with late night or weekend shifts.

My roommate from when I was last at school left some of their things when they moved out. I was the last to move out, so i grabbed their stuff with the intention of bringing it back when we live together the next semester. I forgot to mention it to them. I ended up not going back and now i just have some of their stuff. Its a saucepan, a teacup and dessert plate, and a brita pitcher. I feel really bad about everytime i think abut it. Its been nearly two years, so I dont know if i should message them about this. I think they graduated already? but what if they didnt and i see them around campus? I should just message them and apologize and offer to mail their stuff back.

prescriptions. I need to change pharmacies so I can get my prescriptions while at school. that, or have my parents mail it to me once a month.

For the new year, I meant to write down all of my goals/things i want to do, like getting an internship, and making friends. and then write a detailed plan for them. But i haven't gotten to that yet and its just been another thing taking up space in my brain.

my phone camera stopped working a while ago. I didnt think my phone was that old (its a Samsung galaxy s7), but then my favorite alarm app stopped working. I tried to uninstall and reinstall, but then I couldn't download it cause my phone is too old 😭. I need to get a new phone. Hopefully with money from my job that I'll for sure get after giving them better availability lol.

My timeblocking schedule. I haven't been sticking to it as good as i'd have hoped. Some days (most days), i just really dont feel like studying calc or hackerrank and would much rather keep learning react. Those other topics have been neglected and im getting anxious about being super behind in my university physics course because its been years since the last time i calculated an integral. I'll take a whole day to refresh my calc skills, and that'll hopefully get me on track.

The other issue is that i dont get up as early as i hoped, or i stay on my phone for too long, and end up starting my day later than planned. And then I'll just say, "I'll get started after lunch/after i walk the dog", so my day really starts at 2pm instead of 8am. The other part of it is not blocking out days like Christmas, new years, new years day; days that I knew i probably would not be working. Then I don't work those days, even though work is scheduled, and when i come back i feel off schedule. If i cant follow this super easy schedule, how will i do will a busy schedule of classes and homework and work shifts?

Theres more i think, but im tired of writing now. I do feel a bit better. That could've been the adderall i took before this though.

oh also i think our house is in foreclosure. parents have been not-so-quietly yelling about it early in the mornings. I know there's nothing I can really do about this one, but its still stressful.

[aewrie]

distractions aren't working so

(yelling into the void to get this out of my system but seriously tread carefully if you're sensitive to topics of abuse/ c/sa /mental health crap)

i'd be looking for a therapist but am not exactly in the headspace to do so. my old one was overall great and i'd be contacting her but she was basically useless when it came to this topic. think she was more confused and conflicted at the idea of a child being the abuser than me. which. that's not gonna help. and by the time i'd trust myself to see through that ordeal idk. i could probably use it anyway but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

could use it right now. i've been crying on and off for like 3-4 hours, while teetering on the edge of another breakdown

took me what, 10?? years before i felt ok using the word trauma in reference to being bullied for years. even after i kinda knew how fucked it all was. only after a health professional was like 'yeah, that's trauma you've got going on' after hearing the tl;dr of my life i felt i was allowed to. (she then proceeded to recommend therapy lmao). bc it wasn't so bad. boy i'm good at rationalizing all that away. other people always have it worse! and it's not like there was obvious violence, so obviously it doesn't count.

same fucking thing when i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i was passively suicidal & heading into worse direction and i was only willing to admit that i was sad & anxious. probably. surely not anything that would warrant treatment.

and now this thing i've filed away under 'miscellaneous shit that was not ideal probably, but surely it wasn't' That Bad, other people have it Worse':

yesterday i checked out this vr interview stream dealing with abuse right before i had to go sleep (the best idea ever. clearly) and at the point i started watching the discussion made basically no sense so i figure i go to the start and watch from there. and the interviewee describes the abuse, and i'm fine until a particular detail comes up and then it kinda unraveled from there. i had to pause just to get a breather. i watched maybe a few minutes more idk.

i've looked into child psychology and sexual development before bc ever since i bumped into the term child-on-child sa i've been stuck with the whole 'but does it count if x y z' (mostly: can someone so young even be an abuser, bc obviously if he didnt' intentionally & maliciously do it, i am not allowed to feel upset), even earlier that same damn day! but nothing unequivocally said yes or no. so of course i'm going with the safe answer of no, i'm not allowed to call it abuse.

but after that Moment i looked at some more stuff and found a couple of videos, one from a therapist knowledgeable on the topic, and one first-hand account, read some comments to boot, and then i'm having the sort of crying episode that leaves me feeling physically sick for a full day at least

at work today I was distracted the second i was not properly busy, then i managed to keep it together for a bit when i got home and now here we are. fuck i'm glad i'll have multiple days off now. on the long run this is good to process. but def not feeling it right now lol. at least i'm not stuck in a corner of fandom where loaded buzzwords get thrown around like they mean nothing, i knew that fucked with my head even back during the vl/d heyday and i was just getting around to the 'ok that Happened and maybe it was messed up, but Not abuse' stage of denial

good news i might be done crying rn so i guess that helped

i guess this was gonna be happening sooner or later bc i've been somewhat actively thinking about all that for months but rip it came out of nowhere

(and gonna throw it in here just in case; i'd rather not have 'i'm sorry' messages or similar, 9 times out of 10 i just feel awkward as shit. more neutral (not sure what's the best word?) is fine)

[forestcat111]

ninjago incorrect quotes

kai: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me Lloyd: Okay, but in my defense, nya bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo. kai: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

kai: I know you snuck out last night, Lloyd. nya: Play dumb! Lloyd: Who's Lloyd? nya: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

kai, driving Lloyd and nya: So how was your day? Lloyd: We almost got surprise adopted! kai: What? nya: We almost got kidnapped. kai: Oh, okay. kai: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

kai: What do you think Lloyd will do for a distraction? nya: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do. *Building explodes and several car alarms go off* nya: ... or they could do that.

kai, texting Lloyd: Lloyd! Help I’m being kidnapped nya: Where are you? kai: I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help. Lloyd: I’ll call nya. nya, answering their cell: Y’ello? Lloyd: Where’s kai? They texted me that they were being kidnapped. nya: kai? Whaddya mean, they're right next to me- nya: nya: I’ll call you back. *hangs up* nya: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN’T THAT BAD! kai: WHO ARE YOU?!

jay: cole was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some. cole: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it. jay: cole, you ate a chair.

jay: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside cole: cole: jay, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn... jay: *Sips coffee from bowl*

jay: I was arrested for being too cool. cole: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

jay: Is something burning? cole: Just my love for you. jay: cole, the toaster is on fire.

jay: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume? cole: *chugs entire bottle* cole: It’s perfume.

kai: So what’s for dinner? cole, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.

kai: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao cole: What did you do kai? kai: A MISTAKE

kai, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today! cole: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

kai: How many kids do you have? zane: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

kai: I'm incredibly fast at math. zane: Alright, what's 30x17? kai: 47 zane: That's not even close. kai: But it was fast.

kai: zane! My face is on fire! zane: kai! Are you ok?! kai: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly. zane: But your face is on fire. kai: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

morro: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. lloyd: You and me!!! morro, tearing up: Okay.

morro: Someone will die. lloyd: Of fun!

morro: lloyd... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? lloyd: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. morro: morro: I wrote sanitize, lloyd.

morro: I'm a reverse necromancer. lloyd: Isn't that just killing people? morro: Ah, technicality.

morro: I prevented a murder today. lloyd: Really? How’d you do that? morro: self control.

[iwadori]

Haikyu boys when they take a joke/prank too far (Iwaizumi,Daichi)

Word count: 1.9K

Genre:angst,fluff

AN: In the spirit of April Fools I tried to make my first work based on that I hope you enjoy!! (LOL I can’t actually believe this was the first thing I’ve ever written)

Iwaizumi:

“Okay so it’s April Fools Day who are we going to prank?” asked Makki “One of the first years?”

“Do we have to prank someone this year..” replied Iwaizumi “so childish”

“Iwa-Chan!” Oikawa said “Don’t be such a spoil sport.”

“Anyways, it can’t be a first year they’re boring to prank a first year coach will be mad at us, we need someone else.”

Just then, you enter the gym, catching their eye as you approach the group sitting on Iwaizumi’s lap “Hey babe, I can still come over to yours to study right?” you ask.

“Yeah of course, practice finishes early so I'll be there before you.” He said

“Alright, see you then bye babe, bye guys” you said, giving Iwaizumi a kiss on the cheek sauntering off and waving at Makki, Mattsun and Oikawa.

“bye Y/N!” They teasingly responded in unison making you laugh.

As they watched you leave, it seemed as if a lightbulb pinged off in all of their heads (besides Iwaizumi) realizing who would be a great person to prank.  

After a lot of convincing, they finally got Iwaizumi in on the ‘harmless’ plan, all they needed to do now is wait on your arrival.

You’re finally done with school after a long and tiring day of exams upon exams and wanting nothing more than to cuddle with your boyfriend (after he teaches you Pythagoras theorem of course.) You did think he was acting weird when you met him this morning in the gym and throughout break and lunch but you just concluded that it was because he was having an ‘off’ day.

You reached his house and used a copy of his key that he gave you to enter we just enter houses up in this bitch  calling out his name “Zumi-babe, I'm here...”  

“Lets get this shit over with” you said tiredly

Upon entering, you notice none of the lights being on or curtains drawn ‘odd’ you think. You go upstairs going straight to his room hopefully to find your boyfriend in his bed or on his Xbox or something. To your surprise his bedroom door was somehow locked shut (even though not having a lock on his door anyways.) Suddenly, you hear creaks slowly trailing up the stairs and an eerie feeling surrounds you... now you start to feel pretty panicked jiggling the door handle to Iwaizumi’s door as it’s practically the only place you can go.

AN: I hate what I’m writing rn but onwards we right

The footsteps on the stairs start to quicken, and you almost certain that you felt something brush pass your shoulder only adding onto the panic and anxiety that you already feel. Ok, the footsteps on the stairs are basically right near you, so doing the only logical thing you can do you body slam the ‘person’ on the stairs as you motherfuckin should  as tears fill your eyes and you pick up bag bolting through the front door, slamming it shut now in full tears and shakingly scared.

You look behind you and see Iwaizumi’s front door re-open and out comes the ‘iNFaMouS sEiJOh fOuR’ in tears... of laughter. It seems that the boys were in laughing fits that their prank ‘payed off’ getting a reaction out of you. You couldn’t see Iwaizumi’s reaction, but you didn’t care you were hurt, annoyed and wanting to get into your bed.

Once you get home, you decide to block your so called ‘friends’ who decided to make you scared shitless and ignored Iwaizumi’s messages asking “where were you today”.... the AUDACITY.  

The next day, the boy’s seemed to realize the consequences of their actions after spending the whole day trying to get your attention only to be straight up ignored. Iwaizumi is immensely regretful after all his efforts to try talking to you were denied, he decided after his practice he was going to get you to talk to him or at least get you to listen to his apologies on what happened yesterday evening.

You left your clubroom and made your way to the school gate to go home.

“Y/N!” shouted Iwaizumi touching your shoulder making you flinch ‘wow did we really scare her that bad?”  

“What do you want iwa?” You asked very agitated

“Y/N I just want to apologize for yesterday, since it was April fools day and all the boys really wanted to prank someone and I-it just happened to be-”

“It just happened to be me. Right?” you interrupted “Gosh Iwaizumi, I was really scared.. I already had a tiring day and all I wanted was my boyfriend to teach me the stupid Pythagoras Theorem and cuddle me afterwards, but no you and your friends just had to be dicks for a day” you turn around planning to walk away before he grabs you again  

“Wait! Just wait y/n, im sorry and I wont ever prank you like that again” he pleaded

“.. and i’ll help you study?” he added pulling the sweetest face of all time to try and convince you  

“ugh, fine stop pulling that face... and you better teach me Pythagoras Theorem” you said rolling your eyes

“yeah yeah whatever you say y/n” he said pulling you under his arm and walking in the direction of his house.

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way this turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work  

Daichi:

You decided this morning that you were NOT going to participate in your annual April Day Fool’s prank with Tanaka and Noya... only because of your not-so new boyfriend Daichi saying he didn’t need his teammates corrupting you any longer so you decided to not get involved. With that being said you wouldn’t even think of your boyfriend pulling a prank on you so you didn’t think you’re getting pranked today.

In the gym, the boys were doing the usual: Hinata and Kageyama running after eachother, Tanaka and Noya oogling Kiyoko, Tsukishima listening to music, Yama and Yachi going over club schedules whilst Daichi sat with Sugawara and Asahi.

“So are you pranking anyone today?” sugawara asked

“Pranking someone, isn’t that a bit too juvenile suga?” Asahi replied

“Not you silly, Daichi” said sugawara “With Y/N on his arm they always have to stay on eachothers toes right..she’s a ‘jokester’ right?”

“...right?” Daichi hadn’t thought of it that way, he did know of all your joking escapades before you even got together and how you still liked to joke around now as you date.. He didn’t want you to think that you thought he was too boring for you ?

“Ok. What type of prank should I pull on her..”

Daichi, Sugawara and Asahi (who didn’t really contribute to Suga’s scheming) made a plan for you to meet him at the gym locker with the claims that he had a ‘surprise’ for you .. oh how he was wrong.

Daichi: meet me at the gym locker I have something to show you  

Y/N: Ok!! I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Daichi was nervous, and that was an understatement he didn’t want things to go left and have you thinking he couldn’t even do a simple prank. Once you got there, he saw heard you talking to Sugawara and Asahi outside the door about him wondering where he was in which Suga told you inside the locker room.

“Hey babe” you greeted “what's the occasion in why we’re in here?”

“I...uh..um I need to get something one second” Daichi spoke quickly and rushed out the room closing the door leaving you confused. Minutes passed, and you were now impatient and kinda scared since the room was dusty, dark and cold definitely not your place to be in. You tried texting Daichi but just your luck you have no service ://  

As time went on you tried opening the door but it was jammed shut no hope opening at all you forgot you left your bag outside which of course had your inhaler which did not help the sudden shortness of breath you started to get because of your asthma and claustrophobia. All you wanted was to get out of this room and talk to … Daichi.

Daichi. How convenient that he manage to slip away before the door got closed hmm but he wouldn’t intentionally prank you after ALL the lectures he gave you about not doing pranks this year right?

You didn’t notice how you started to cry and whimper wanting to leave.

On the outside, Daichi heard your cries and ordered Sugawara and Asahi to find the key to immediately get you out which it seems to take a while because Daichi has now stopped hearing your tears making him gulp in fear thinking something bad has happened to you in there.

Sugawara comes to you handing Daichi the keys, his handing shaking as he tries to unlock the door when he eventually does he finds you passed out on the ground of the dusty storage room. Very cliché I know ://

You wake up in the Nurses Office a bit confused on how you got there until your eyes land upon Daichi, remembering how you locked you in the Storage room where you had an asthma attack and passed out. You turned your body away from Daichi not wanting to talk to him right now after the hypocrisy he did.

“Y/N.. Are you alright?” He asked

“Do I look alright?” You responded in a bored tone

“I am really sorry Y/N... I know what I said to you about not doing pranks this year but Sugawara roped me into this and I didn’t want you to think I was too boring for you so I thought doing this prank would make you see me in a different light” he said

“yeah i saw you in a different light alright” you sassed, you then realised what he said ‘too boring’ kind of feeling less mad and more sad that he feels this way “Dai, you’d never be to boring for me … you’re one of the most funness is that a word? guys I've ever met.”

“really?” he asked  

“Of course! I’m kind of still mad at you for letting this happen but I do sort of understand why” you said giving him a hug.

You were eventually cleared to go home and as you left the clinic you saw Asahi and Sugawara standing at the door.  

“Y/N WE’RE SORRY” they bowed to you waiting on your responses

You chuckled slightly at their cuteness and ruffled both of their hair “all is forgiven, just make sure there’s ‘pranks’ this year “

Which they agreed upon.  

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way these turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work. Feedback is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED and request too since I will literally write whatever...

I may do a part 2 … any particular characters people want?

[kimchokejin]

i was tagged by my medicine patch for motion sickness @rms-expensive-girl, my blue mold @fi-lter, and the sleep in my eyes @lesovoj to play this game! not me looking up namjoon's most wtf lyrical compliments...kim namjoon greatest metaphysical poet of our generation?

template on left, mine on right

tagging: @94ishlove, @mindofnmn, @bangguks,  and anyone else who wants to do this! <3

no one asked and this isn't even part of the game but here is my origin story: 

i will first mention that i did have a bunch of friends in high school who liked kpop but they never tried too hard to get me into it. the only attempt i remember was a friend who was obsessed with the i'll eat you up song by boa and it's a banger for sure but she sang it all the time and after a while it just...left a bad taste in my mouth. and then there was gangnam style. those were the only other kpop songs i really knew and they didn't really make me want to listen to more kpop

i first heard about bts specifically from my younger sister in 2017 (?) when she and her friends were just obsessed with them. she never tried to show me anything to get me into them but she would play their music really loudly in the car but the only songs i remember her playing were not today and dna and at the time the sound of those songs, especially playing so loud, just wasn't my thing. not today kinda gave me anxiety lol. i vaguely remember watching the dna music video because there was also so much hype and i was curious but i was going through some things and i was just a really negative person at the time and i think all the colors and smiles and the meaning of the song turned me off even more

but i think another reason why i didn't really explore further, even after they started showing up on american tv, was that i was a really big fan of one direction and i was a little too invested in the friendship between the members. towards the end of their time and soon after it became pretty clear that the guys weren't as close as i thought they were. like maybe they aren't on bad terms (i think a few of them were at one point) but it was just like, the friendship goals fantasy crumbled, and it was still kinda fresh. so anytime i thought about another boyband i was just like what's the point??? it's all fake love and they don't last. sorry i was very bitter about it lol

my next opportunity to get into bts was in 2019 when they did boy with luv barely feat. halsey. i wasn't even going to listen to it because i was just like i'm not into bts why would i? but i was on tumblr occasionally at the time and people were going crazy over it and it had halsey in it so i was like okay fine and watched the video. but at THAT time i was getting over a breakup so that song did NOT resonate i was just like nice try but men are incapable of love please take your lies elsewhere thx. so i missed my chance there lmao

and then suga's interlude was on halsey's manic album that i was OBSESSED with so i listened to it quite a few times but i don't think that particular rap was enough for me to look into them further. i did like the sound of his voice though

then in summer 2020 (!!!) my roommate (a friend from high school, who has actually been an on and off army since no more dream but never mentioned it) randomly one day was like hey, can i show you like 7 kpop videos and you tell me which one you like best? because i guess there were just a lot of good songs that came out at the same time. it was just a little game so i was like sure! i watched the videos and i was surprised that i liked some of the songs. in particular summer hate by zico and rain and pporappippam by sunmi. so i was already in the mindset of maybe i actually do like kpop? hahaha...little did she know...

and then like two weeks later dynamite came out and my roommate was like hey, i think you should try and listen to this one too, i think you would like it. and as you know the song was a bop, and i was learning to be less cynical at the time so the happy colorfulness was actually ...fun? and since i liked the song my roommate was like you know, since you liked one direction i think you would like bts. and by that point i was over the one direction breakup and just enjoying their solo music so i was like okay, i think i'm ready to be hurt again

so my roommate showed me all their music videos first and honestly i still wasn't hooked right away. most of the songs had to grow on me and as you know some of the old videos were pretty cringey haha. hell even dynamite made me cringe. like the intro where jimin shoots you with his finger? i was like oh god oh god oh god oh god no please stop. but look at me now!!!

so i told my roommate the main reason i was into one direction was their personalities. so if i watch content that shows their personalities i might get more into them. that didn't work right away either just because i was still learning their names and i couldn't match the personalities with the people. but i just kept watching stuff because i was intrigued and maybe just maybe i wanted another emotional support boyband? i think eventually it was a mix of their sense of humor (comedians are lucky bts chose music), their performances, and their underdog story that really got me hooked. and my roommate started playing their music in the car all the time lol. i don't know the exact moment i officially knew i was IN IT but dynamite was my official introduction and it didn't actually take too long after that (maybe a month or two) for me to be OBSESSED

so tl:dr in the past i didn't have the best impression of kpop, i was bitter about one direction, and just a negative nancy and that's why i didn't get into bts for YEARS. but then my roommate showed me dynamite and much much more when i was in a better place and here i am 1.5, almost 2 years later!

[awkward-turtle-rising]

Is This the End (But Also I am Weak)

I've been thinking about unaliving myself nearly non-stop this week. I can't decide if I'm in crisis or is this just a small part of myself that's VERY loud?

That doesn't make sense.

On one hand -- it would be so great if everything just stopped now. The thoughts. The struggles. The angst. The loneliness. The constant fear and anxiety. It's so bad today, I can't even remember what it's like to feel not like this. I know I have, I just literally cannot recall the feeling of being okay. I feel like I show start writing when I'm happy, so I can physically see that things can be okay. They just aren't right now - that's okay. I think.

On the other hand -- if I did, what about my family? My very few friends. I am trying so hard to think of them, but it's so hard. They feel so far away. Like they don't care. Like they wont miss me. I know it's not true, but isn't it? I mean, sure they may be sad, but they'll be fine one day, right? I'm sure of it, but why would I want to even put them through that. It's so selfish, right?

On the other hand -- is living for everyone else's benefit worth it? What about me? Doesn't any care how fucking tired and stressed and sad I am? It's like... I'm making jokes, but they're not jokes. No is blinking an eye. Which is great, but also scary. Am I such a fucking sad person, that no one even bats an eyelash?

I feel like I'm choking.

Also, apparently I have three hands.

I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do. Or who to talk to? Who even cares? I don't know?

I feel like, I'm 29 why am I struggling like this? Adults don't have these issues. Am I so immature and pathetic that I can't even stop these suicidal thoughts? It's non-stop. I'm working, but crying. Tears streaming down my face while replying to my coworkers "haha, sorry for bothering you" "that's so much :)" ... while I'm literally sobbing.

I don't even know what sent me here. My mom was stressing me out last week, but it's been fine for the most part this week. But I just went to such a dark place and I'm trying so, so, so hard to stay afloat, but I just wanna drown. I don't feel safe, but I don't know what else to do.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone has their own shit. It's not fair for me to unload on anyone just because I can't handle my own shit. I feel so isolated and lonely. And just so tired. I just want to leave my phone, leave my house, and just walk until I die.

I'm so sad, internet, so so so sad. I don't know what to do. I just keep doing whatever I think I should be doing, but it's so hard. I am just so sad.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to not be this person anymore. I don't want to be this shitty, burdensome person anymore. I don't want to feel so bad anymore. I just want to lay down and never wake up.

I sent Michael money for rent, because I'm so scared I wont make it much longer. But also there's no way I'll actually hurt myself.

I'm not that brave.

or Selfish.

or Weak?

I just don't know. I just, I'm so sad.

Someone help me, right? lol

It's fine. I'm fine.

[takemebacktowheniwassane]

Oh, Incorrect Quotes Generator

-

Alana: Anyone d-

Connor: Depressed?

Jared: Drained?

Evan: Dumb?

Alana: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people...

-

This one's a bit more?? Um?? Non-kid friendly TTvTT

Zoe: Guys, is having a penis fun?

Connor: It has its ups and downs.

Evan: It's gets a little hard sometimes.

Jared: IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS!

Zoe: Jesus fuck, you guys.

-

Evan: You're a loose cannon, Jared.

Jared: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon, maybe. But a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Alana: I think you play by your own rules.

Zoe: No way, he thinks rules were meant to be broken.

Evan: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Jared: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Connor is the real loose cannon.

Connor: *Smashes a chair*

-

Evan, trying to convince Connor to join the group: You know... I just thought it'd be good to have someone to come along who's... strong!

Alana: And loud!

Zoe: And grumpy!

Jared: And oblivious to reality!

Connor:

-

Alana: What did you guys get in your yearbooks?

Zoe: 'Prettiest smile!' :)

Evan: 'Nicest personality!' :)

Jared: 'Most likely to start a bar fight.'

Connor: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one.'

-

Zoe: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!

Evan: Tubular AF!

Alana: Mood to the max!

Connor, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.

Jared, just as annoyed: If she breathes she's a square.

-

Evan: You KIDNAPPED Connor?! That's illegal!!

Jared: But Evan, what's more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Connor, or destroying our dreams?

Evan: Kidnapping Connor, Jared!!

Zoe: Evan, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these people need you to inspire them!

Evan: What, to KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!

Zoe: To work together!

Evan: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE!?!?

Jared: Evan, I thought we both agreed, a stoner is not a people.

-

Alana: Evan, stop! This isn't you! You've gone mad with power!

Evan: Well, of course I have.

Evan: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Evan: It's boring.

-

Evan: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--

Jared: What was that??

Evan: Remorse code.

Jared: I'm even angrier at you now.

-

Connor, high off his ass: I'm at least 10 times funnier and sexier than you.

Evan: But 10 times 0 is just 0.

Zoe: Then I guess the jokes on you, because he can't do math.

-

Jared: I can explain.

Evan: Can you?

Jared: If you give me 30 seconds to think of a lie.

-

Jared: If you were to vacuum up jello, it'd make a neat noise.

Evan: I beg to differ.

Jared: Then beg.

-

Jared: This is such a bad idea.

Evan: Then why are you coming along?

Jared: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this all goes terribly wrong.

-

Connor: *Accidentally hits Jared in the face*

Connor: *Can't decide between saying 'I'm fucking sorry', and 'Are you okay'*

Connor: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY??

Evan: What is wrong with you?!

-

Evan: This is bothering me.

Jared: Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Evan: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

-

Jared: You're the love of my life, and my best friend. I would do anything for you.

Evan: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Jared: Absolutely not.

-

Jared: I was arrested for being too cool.

Connor: The charges were dropped due to lack of supporting evidence.

-

Jared: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Evan: You and me.

Jared, tearing up: Okay.

-

Jared: God, give me patience.

Connor: I think you mean strength.

Jared: If God gave me strength, then you'd be double dead.

-

Connor: I prevented a murder today.

Alana: Really? How did you do that?

Connor: Self control.

-

Jared: I am not out of control! I am a law abiding citizen!

Evan: Name one law.

Jared: Don't kill people?

Evan: That one's on me. I set the bar too low.

-

Alana: Whaddaya call a fish with no eye?

Jared, not looking up from his phone: Myxine Circifrons.

Alana:

Alana: A fsh

-

Evan: I turned out perfectly fine!

Zoe: This morning you thought a ghost made your toast!

Evan: I DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN, Y O U DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN-

-

Jared: WHAT'S YOUR TYPE

Evan: Anything, honestly. But nerds especially.

Jared, desperately as Evan bleeds out: YOUR B L O O D TYPE

Evan: Oh! B positive.

Jared: DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME UP, JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Evan:

-

Evan: It's dark in here...

Jared: Don't worry dude, I've got this

Jared: *Stomps his foot on the ground*

Jared: *Heelies light up*

-

Evan: Treat spiders the way YOU want to be treated!

Jared: Killed without hesitation.

Alana & Evan, simultaneously: nO-

-

Miguel: Let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Connor: Okay?

Miguel: And make out during the scary parts.

Connor: The-

Connor: The scary parts-

Connor: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl?

-

Evan: Can you PLEASE be serious for 5 minutes??

Jared: My record is 4, but I think I can do it.

-

Evan: So that's my plan.

Jared: Are you fine with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.

Evan: Sure, go ahead.

Jared: It fucking sucks.

Evan: That's not constructive criticism.

-

Jared: Fuck.

Alana: We've got to work on your cursing.

Jared: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

-

Connor: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao

Evan: What did you do-?

Connor: A MISTAKE-

-

Larry, with his back turned: I've been expecting you.

Connor: How did you do that without turning around?

Larry: I'm gonna be honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

-

Evan: How petty can you get??

Jared: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

-

Jared: Today is a day of running through hurdles.

Alana: Aren't you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?

Jared: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

-

Jared: May I sit there?

Evan: That's my lap.

Jared: That doesn't answer my question, Evan.

-

Jared: So.. are we flirting right now?

Connor: I'm LITERALLY stabbing you.

Jared:

Jared: That does not answer the question

-

Aftermath of the last one- lmfao-

Evan: I'm begging you, please go to the hospital-

Jared: Oh, i'm sorry, is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

-

Jared: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Connor: Do you mean literally or figuratively?

Jared: The fact that I have to specify...

-

Evan: Jail is no fun. I'll tell you that much.

Connor: Oh, you've been?

Evan: Once. In Monopoly.

-

Evan: Your right.

Jared: That's... an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

-

Jared: Petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday.

Connor, high: Wednesay.

Jared: Not what I had in mind, but i'm flexible.

-

Alana: Man.. I only ever see you awake. Don't you ever shut down or stop running?

Jared: Oh, i'm always running.

Jared: The question is from what.

-

Evan: Top 30 reasons why Evan is super sorry! ..Number 5 might surprise you!

Jared: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!

[honeyandlavenderx]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5TH 2021.

(Writen on Saturday 6th @ 12:42 AM)

This is how my day went:

- Had a bad night. Anxiety & overthinking hasn't been letting me sleep properly.

- Woke up early with an awful pain around the left side of my neck after sleeping for a few hours in the worst position.

- Went to a doctor's appointment. everything was fine except my cholesterol. No surprise. That has been a problem since i was a kid.

- Went to another appointment to apply for a job (This is their role. Helping others finding jobs that are available and.

- I arrived with the papers my friend told me to hand out. They told me I didn't had every document so they couldn't do a thing other than give me a list of all the documents needed.

- Went to Walgreens and bought a few things I needed.

- Headed home.

As I was about to write ''I wasn't as productive today as I wanted to be'' I realize now how much I punish myself mentally for not doing certain tasks.

I literally just went out to a doctor's appointment, drove to get an orientation for a social work job, bought things I needed, did laundry and prepared + fixed a couple of thigns from some art notes I'll be doing soon.

In my head, being productive is being super busy. Doing a lot of things at once especially house work (since I'm unemployed still and I'm mostly at home cause I'm done with uni. And by ''I'm done with uni I mean that I graduated already).

Some of these punishment and judgement and spot that I put myself in also comes from the juding coming from my own mother.

If I don't do like 20 things around my house, I basically did nothing at all. In my own head I gotta be busy and doing this and doing that AND THEN I can call it ''productivity''.

That's not even what productivity is or what it means. Reading a book and journaling can be productive. But I look at my agenda and I don't see a huge list of things I have to do, I feel bad. It feels like I'm not oding a thing at all. When I actually am.

And the fact that I'm not that mentally stable (lol) at the moment, how I'm treating myself on the inside (with this whole productivity thing) just makes everyhting worse.

This is the second time I've noticed. Now I gotta work on this part of myself while working with my anxiety.

The good news is that, though they couldn't give any info about the social work job because my documents were incomplete (thank you Egna *eye rolls*), I heard they offered baking classes.

Which is what one of the things I wanted to do since I was a child? An early teenager? Idk, but it's a thing I wanted for many years. I had an uncle that baked and he was gonna teach me how to bake, but he passed away many years ago. And nothing happened after that.

I stopped thinking about it for years and I completely forgot about it when I had to decide what I wanted to do in university. In a time when I didn't know what the fuck to do with my life.

It came back and I'm excited that they have available two spaces for new members/students. So I gotta schedule that very quickly and find the rest of the documents that I needed.

I would like to earn extra cash this way so that I can pay for my professional wrestling classes. I've already mentioned that I'm not so sure about the social work job, but I gotta know what positions they'll have for me and what they'll do with me. Because they were asking for psychology students with bachelors degree. But on the other hand, you gotta have a license for that.

Anyways, we'll see what happens. At least with the baking stuff I can turn it into a small business or find a job at a café or bakery shop. Let's pray that these manifestations come true.

The most important thing at the moment ar emy professional wrestling tainings (that I haven't start yet lol caus eI'm broke atm) and baking classes come number 02 on that spot/list.

🌱 SONG OF THE DAY 🌱

HOLY TOLEDO! - GREEN DAY

[memesiders]

WARNING: BUTT STUFF AHEAD

So, I let the kittens out of their carrier one morning, and Fury's ass was hanging out. Like, her colon or whatever was hanging about an inch/inch and a half out of her butt. So I'm freaking the hell out, my mom calls our vet (because I get huge anxiety when talking to people I don't know very well on the phone. Like, my tongue feels like it's swelling and it's hard to breathe normal and it feels like there's something in my throat), of course they were closed, so I had to wait the next day (Fury was still eating/drinking/running around playing). Call the vet, they say "eh, it should be fine if she's acting normal." So I have to wait until yesterday (Friday) to take her to the vet (this happened like four or five days ago). We take her to the vet, walk in, and the receptionist says "yeah sorry the veterinarian is in emergency surgery & we can't see her today."

My mom shows the secretary Fury's behind and the secretary's like "oh that's bad! That's really bad. We can't fix this. That's definitely gonna need surgery! I didn't think it was that far out." I want to scream at this bitch because we literally said "it's sticking out about an inch or an inch and a half" like do you not know how long an inch is?! You don't have a ruler or common fucking sense?!

I didn't say that of course, but my mom was like "yeah I'm pretty sure she could die from this." And the secretary's like "well..... I can get you in on Wednesday." LIKE WHAT?!?! MY KITTEN COULD DIE AND YOU CAN'T EVEN KEEP HER TO HAVE THE VET AT LEAST LOOK AND GIVE US A QUOTE OF HOW MUCH OR HAVE HIM TRY TO PUT IT BACK IN?! My mom also asked her "is it okay to give her a bath?" and the woman was like "yeah it'll be fine!"

So my mom, who is pissed by now, schedules an appointment and we leave and go to a different town to pick up my Shadow of the Tomb Raider game. My mom calls her friends vet because they're supposed to be great and my mom's like "is there any way you can just look at her? We're terrified something's going to happen to her," and they're like "sorry no we only do it if you have the money up front." Meanwhile I'm bawling my eyes out thinking that we're gonna have to put Fury down and there's no way in hell I was gonna give up on her. So we go to GameStop and my mom goes in and I face my fear of calling/talking to strangers and I call one of the local veterinary clinics. The receptionist answers and I'm literally on the verge of tears going "I have a kitten with I think a prolapsed rectum (do not look that up if you're squeamish!!!!) and we don't get money until the 3rd is there any way you can do anything?!" And this poor woman is just like "yeah, the veterinarian doesn't get in till 6 but when she gets in I'll ask if there's anything you can do for her at home."

So my mom, Fury, and I wait until 6 in the Safeway parking lot and the vet calls before 6. I shove the phone to my mom because y'know, I already went out of my comfort zone once today. The vet tells us to soak the colon in a warm sugar/water mixture or something like that and my mom's like "uh... Can we just pop on over and you can give me the directions?" Because the whole thing was explained very complicatedly. The vet's like "yeah sure!" So we go on over there and my mom goes in and she's in there for a bit. The next thing I know she's at the car like "the vet wants to take a look at her."

So I'm breathing my first sigh of relief in like 2 or 3 hours. Also, she talked to the vet about bathing her, the vet said "absolutely not! That will infect it. The only way you should put water on that is with the warm sugar/water mix." So now I'm like "that fucking secretary told us it was okay. What if I hadn't called and we went home and bathed her. How horrible would it have gotten?! WTF?!" So yeah, I'm livid with that vet.

Anyways, we go in, the vet checks her, and she's like "I... Don't know if I'll be able to get it back in. It's pretty far out. I'll try but if I can't you'll have to take her to an emergency hospital to someone who specializes in rectal surgery." So she takes Fury in the back and my mom and I are praying that she can get it back in because the only way we could pay up front for a surgery is if we do a Go Fund Me or something. We can hear poor Fury meowing in the back and I have to fight the urge to go back there and comfort her lol. Next thing you know, the vet walks in and is like "yeeeeeah, she's not gonna let us touch anything while she's conscious so we're gonna have to put her under anaesthesia."

And tbh I had a feeling they'd have to do that because Fury owns her name; if she doesn't like something she will squirm, growl, and bite for it to stop. So they put her under and we wait in the waiting room, still praying she can fix it. It takes a bit but the vet comes out and is like "success!" I breathe another sigh of relief and we wait until she wakes up and gets medicine and a cone of shame to get her back. In the meantime, my mom and them set up a payment plan (at first it was a six month payment plan but we got to a three month payment plan. For everything- the examination, anaesthesia, medicine, fixing Fury's butt, and the sutures- came down to $161 which is mind blowing tbh.

Fury is finally brought out and I hold back laughter because the smallest cone they have is still too big for her, so much so that they had to use nylon and tie it around her to secure it properly and she gets her feet stuck in it. So we leave and the poor thing sleeps in my arms the entire way home. When we get in we put her in a different crate and she hates it. She somehow manages to get the cone off so we put it back on. She gets it back off again and we put it back on and tie it a different way and now it's fine. She starts crying as we put her siblings into their crate and I feel horrible because she loves cuddling with her siblings. They all sleep cuddled together and the poor thing can't have that comfort for a few days.

We have to watch her eating & drinking and make sure her bowel movements are good and that she's not straining, and if everything is good then she should be getting her stitches out in five days and her siblings are going in with her for a welfare check because we don't want to risk anything like this happening again. We still don't know how or why it happened exactly; apparently it can happen for different reasons. The vet was shocked to know Fury was still eating, drinking, and running around, but she's a tough cookie. I'm just thankful she's okay. (Update: She's probably gonna have to go get her stitches redone actually because she's having a hard time having bowel movements.)

Anyways, that's the story of how I found a new vet and got Fury's butt fixed. Here's some photos of before and after she got her butt fixed up