#I think of this as a little digital diary I’ll look back on someday

[fallenpedals]

I’m on the beginning of season 4 of my twd rewatch and I think I’ve cried at least 6 times + help meeeee

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

selfie | jjk | 2

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: Is this a rom-com, slice-of-life drama with unsolicited social commentary about gender stereotypes, idol music, and the meaningless meaning of the word, “adult”? Yes. But also, Jeon Jungkook shouldn’t be in love with his hyung’s little sister and he is. Shit.

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mentions of depression, anxiety, loneliness; fluff, but also frustrating because flirt already, sheesh; loons-to-lovers; non-idol!AU - oppa’s bestfriend!Jungkook x SHINee fangirl!reader

happy lunar new year!! year of the ox - jk’s lucky year <3

–

previous episode.

2. in which the two loons getting somewhere, only for more misunderstandings to happen.

Is this too much?

You stared at the picture and the message. Jeon Jungkook once again. Sending a picture of himself at the gym. It was a while since the last one, so his hair was slightly longer now. Was he growing it out? Oh well, none of your business. You sent your usual reply.

?

You sighed and went back to your journal, only to have your phone aggressively sing ‘3 PM’ from the Animal Crossing New Leaf OST. Directly asking for a video call this time. You thinned your mouth into a line and closed your journal, sliding it out of frame before accepting the call.

Jungkook’s big brown eye filled up the screen, directly on the camera.

“Why don’t you respond like a normal person?”

“Why don’t you start conversations off like a normal person?” you shot back, placing a hand on your cheek and leaning against it. There was stationery scattered all around you, but your journal was behind the charging stand.

Jungkook withdrew his eyeball, frowning. You could see his entire face now, his long black hair tied up into a silly sprout on top of his head. He was still wearing the dark gray sweatshirt from the photo, but he seemed to be in his apartment. All you could see was the wall.

“What about the pic though? Is it too much?”

“Too much what?” you responded irritably.

He waved his hand, shaking the phone with his movement. “You know… Too, ‘Hey I work out and am attractive, pay attention to me’ much?”

You raised an eyebrow. “You’re not even looking at the camera. Or wearing a sleeveless shirt.”

He blinked at you. “Should I?”

You rolled your eyes. “No, those are things not to do. Picture is fine,” you added, shifting some pens away so you could rest your head on your forearms.

“Oh.”

He looked uneasy for a second before the camera jostled around as he scurried to a different part of the room. You puffed your cheeks and closed your eyes, not wanting to get motion sick.

“I’ve been playing Persona 5!” Jungkook said cheerfully, making you open your eyes to see him directing the camera at his television where the Persona music was merrily playing. “Just finished Sakura Futaba’s Palace.” He switched the camera back as you smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

“Nice.”

Jungkook seemed to spy your deflated form on your desk.

“What’s wrong?”

You breathed out. “Nothing.”

He frowned. “Doesn’t seem like nothing.”

You shrugged. “Just thinking.” Your eyes flickered to him, smirking a little. “You wouldn’t know about that, I suspect.”

Jungkook rolled his eyes. Other than that, he didn’t react to your remark.

“Thinking about what?” he asked, leaning back into his gray couch. His long hair flared out, sprout blooming against the cushions.

Your eyes shifted to the pens all over your desk. To your tablet, where you had been practicing digital drawing for a little while now. Just little drawings of cute animals, no people yet. To your journal, where you had been writing your diary entry.

“Lonely.”

You said the word without thinking. It was the title of your diary entry. You hadn’t meant to say it, but it was the only thing on your mind right now. Your eyes flickered back to Jungkook, who was watching you carefully. You sighed, feeling the need to explain yourself.

“All my friends are busy with school and their jobs. Oppa is always at work or with his girlfriend. Parents are always working.”

You could feel the distance between you and your high school friends. They were chasing your dreams and you were chasing nothing at all. You weren’t distant from your brother, but you were respectful of how much time he wanted to spend with his girlfriend. She might become his future wife someday, after all. Would you have a future husband one day? You wondered what he would be like.

You shook your head and shrugged. “But I did it to myself by taking a gap year, so it can’t be helped.”

“It’s okay to feel lonely.”

Slowly, your gaze shifted back to Jungkook. He was getting up from the couch, holding the phone up as he walked to what looked like the kitchen.

“I mean, you can’t help what you feel, right?” he said as he set the phone in a cupboard and went to the fridge. “Feeling lonely isn’t some kind of crime, so you don’t need to lock it away or anything.”

Jungkook picked up a take-out container and opened it, stiffing the contents. He seemed to be debating if it was edible or not. How long had that been there? You wanted to ask but then again, you didn’t want to know. Jungkook shrugged and dumped the mysterious contents into a bowl.

“I’ll talk to you whenever you want.”

You scoffed. “Why would you do that?”

Jungkook placed the bowl in the microwave and set the timer. The machine hummed as he turned around.

“To prevent you from feeling lonely.”

A butterfly danced in your chest.

You chuckled. “Why would I want to feel annoyed instead of lonely?”

Jungkook shrugged, taking out some chopsticks. “At least you have someone to be annoyed at instead of being alone?”

Two butterflies danced in your chest.

You huffed and rested your cheek on your forearms.

“Have you been talking to your Confidants?”

“What?”

“In Persona 5.”

“Who?”

You slapped your forehead. “Listen up, you monkey…”

“I’m an ox in the zodiac.”

“I mean your monkey gameplay…”

You began to explain the importance of Confidants in Persona to Jungkook.

-

That’s how you ended up in video calls with Jeon Jungkook several times a week.

He would usually start the call by sending a selfie, to which you would respond with your usual question mark. He was going to university for graphic design and worked at an electronics store part time. You, on the hand, were doing nothing. Well, not nothing, because you were clumsily learning digital art, but unless you were showering, you were always by your phone. Checking idol social media, especially SHINee. Sometimes your brother and his girlfriend asked you to accompany them to dinner, but you always declined, because being the third wheel was weird.

Also, watching your brother in love was weird.

Bleh.

“They always make out in front of me,” you were telling Jungkook as he asked why you weren’t at dinner earlier with your brother and his friends. Your brother had taken his girlfriend, of course. “It’s weird.”

Jungkook winced. “Yeah, I get what you mean. But I was there.”

“So what?”

Jungkook raised his hands. He was in his bed, rolling around in gray sheets. “Maybe you care?”

“I’d like to be spared watching oppa’s PDA, thanks.”

As usual, you were at your desk. This time your tablet was in front of you. You pushed the pen around, indecisively drawing lines and undoing your last action, twisting your mouth to one side, not really looking at Jungkook. He wasn’t doing anything of note, anyway.

“You don’t like PDA?”

You shrugged. “It’s whatever. I don’t really care.”

“What are you drawing?”

“Nothing good,” you sighed, putting down the tablet pen. The little cat character looked back at you, its expression the same bored and dispassionate face you usually had. You hadn’t really decided on a color for it yet. Maybe gray. That’s how you usually felt, anyway. You knew the collar color was going to be aqua though. A nod to your SHINee obsession.

“Show me.”

“No.”

“Come on.”

You looked up to Jungkook’s smile. There was a radiance about it. You felt the two butterflies dancing in your ribcage once again, fluttering, fluttering. His two front teeth where just ever so slightly too large for his mouth. It was endearing, like seeing a bunny. You looked back down at the little cat you created. Maybe you would make a bunny for Jungkook.

Pfft.

Why would you do that?

You laughed, confusing Jungkook as you placed your hand over your mouth, eyes squinting as you chortled to yourself, trying to imagine Jungkook as a silly little bunny. Probably one that worked out too much and drank banana milk every day. Probably loved to take selfies too. A cool bunny who wrote sunglasses sometimes and was probably altruistic and interesting.

Not like you.

Your laughter died down, eyes on the cat. You picked a cat to represent you because it was lazy and didn’t do much. Spent all day sleeping and staring outside, but never actually trying. Curious about things, but never committing.

“What’s so funny?” Jungkook asked, lifting the camera and holding it above him. You saw his long black hair flare out around his head. He was casually handsome, the kind of attractive that didn’t need much to be that way.

That’s weird. Why would you think something like that?

“Your face,” you replied, missing the usual bite you usually had behind your words. “You need a trim.”

He raised his eyebrow, pursing his lips. “You don’t like long hair?”

You pointed at the phone even though he probably couldn’t tell what you were pointing at. “The ends of your hair are splitting. It’s not going to grow well at this rate.”

“Are you a secret barber or something?”

“I’m a human being who cuts her own hair,” you replied impassively, sitting back in your chair.

Jungkook looked surprised. “Really? Since when?”

“Since the last time oppa attempted to cut my hair in high school.” You cringed at the memory.

Jungkook looked apologetic and ready to burst out laughing at the same time. “He tried his best.”

“He did not,” you retorted, remembering the botched bangs and blunt shoulder length cut. It was horrible. You went to the salon afterward and had it trimmed into a short pixie cut, because you would rather be bald than look like an overgrown coconut.

“The pixie cut was cool though.”

“Eh.” You shrugged. “Too hard to cut it by myself. Need some length to hide my mistakes.”

“Your hair always looks nice though. A little messy.”

You touched the top of your head self-consciously. Maybe you should start brushing it before accepting his calls. You didn’t really brush it that often because, well, who was going to see you? You basically only brushed it when you noticed a tangle.

Jungkook was smiling at you. His dark brown eyes seemed sparkly because of the overhead lights in his bedroom. The butterflies in your ribcage circled each other, looping round and round. You made a disgruntled face, reaching up read the current time at the top of your phone.

“Don’t you have class early tomorrow? Go to sleep.”

And then you pressed the end call button.

For some reason, relief and disappointment washed over you. Relief because there was a palpitating anxiousness you felt when you looked too directly into Jungkook’s eyes. Disappointment because maybe you shouldn’t have hung up so abruptly. That was a little rude.

You noticed you had a text. From Jeon Jungkook.

Good night.

-

Jungkook placed his phone beside him after he sent the text. He thought about sending a selfie too, but maybe that was too much. She had just seen him seconds before, anyway.

Why had she hung up like that?

He smiled as he remembered her laugh. He liked her laugh a lot. She hid it behind her hands and her eyes always squinted when she did so, nearly making them disappear. It looked a little bit like a cat when it was purring in satisfaction. Jungkook wondered what made her laugh like that. It must have been a thought, because he could see her face changing as she observed him. When she stopped laughing, her face was different too, becoming introspective.

She looked pretty today too.

Her hair a little messy, combed through with her fingers. That’s how it looked best, he thought. She had a natural prettiness, the kind that needed no help to be that way. Every action she did seemed cute, from the way she held her pen, to the way she twisted her mouth to one side when she was working on something, to the way she touched the top of her head, lips parting in thought.

If she wanted to be a model, she probably could.

At least, Jungkook wanted to take her picture.

He frowned a little. He’d been consistently sending her selfies before calling her and she always responded with a question mark. Maybe she wasn’t used to taking selfies? Or maybe, and what was more likely, she probably didn’t even care about them.

Jungkook exhaled, flopping to his side. Should he give up? But then he remembered her face right before she looked at the time. It was like she was staring at the screen, at his face. And for a split second, he swore he saw her upper lip upturn a bit, shyness in her gaze, a bit of pink flushing her cheeks. Was it just the lightning or something? His mind playing tricks on him?

“Bleh.”

Jungkook made a weird noise and plopped his face into his pillow.

-

Jungkook stopped calling you.

You wondered why. You had been kind of rude to him last time. Maybe he was mad at you? Maybe he wanted an apology? But you weren’t really sure what to apologize for. And it was weird to call without a purpose, right? And besides.

You didn’t really need to apologize to Jeon Jungkook.

He wasn’t even really your friend. He was your older brother’s friend.

You chewed on your lip, staring at the last picture he sent you. He wasn’t your friend. He was… well, what was he trying to do? Why was he talking to you? Maybe he was bored. Maybe he was nosy. You did say you followed his art Instagram, so maybe he was enthralled with the idea of knowing he had a fan or something?

But you weren’t a fan, per se.

Well, a little bit. He was really talented.

But not that much!

Because Jeon Jungkook was kind of annoying. He still hadn’t returned Persona 5 to your brother. Not that your older brother noticed, at all. He never finished Persona 5 and it was mostly your game now, with how many hours you had sunk into it. Jungkook hadn’t even known about Confidants until you told him. Hmph. Didn’t he look up game guides? Well, he should. Confidants were really important to the game. They helped you with useful abilities during boss fights by developing relationships with the other characters.

You stared at the last selfie Jungkook had sent you.

You kind of wished he was looking at the camera.

Maybe you needed a Confidant. You certainly didn’t really know how to develop relationships with anyone, except maybe your older brother. But that was because he was your brother and familial responsibility. Well. Not true. Your brother was really nice to you.

That’s why you folded his underwear for him, even to this day.

Sigh.

Jungkook did like SHINee though.

At least that was one thing in common, right?

-

next episode: 3. in which only a major event can bring these two loons back together – SHINee is back!

--

masterpost

[eldritchsurveys]

600.

Do you want to sue someone right now? If so, who? >> Nope.

Have you ever been abused by a cop? >> No.

Do you buy new xmas pajamas every year? >> No, but that seems to be a tradition that Sparrow’s family does? Christmas pajamas? I’d never heard of it before now.

What's one thing you want for Christmas? >> Money. I’m so broke. Also, what I fucking want is for that Etsy seller to answer my damn message and either send me what I ordered or refund me. I hate it when sellers don’t even bother answering their messages when they were supposed to ship something two fucking weeks ago.

Have you ever called 911 in an emergency? >> Yeah.

Have you ever been in level 10 pain (the worst pain imaginable)? >> I’ve experienced the worst pain imaginable for my experience. I can’t imagine anything outside of my experience, so.

What is your cutest cousin's name? >> ---

Were you born in a hospital? >> Yeah.

Were you born in the city you live in now? >> No.

Do you feel at all nauseous right now? >> Nope.

What was the last part of nature you took a picture of? >> Probably some snow-covered trees back in November.

What is your favorite part of nature? >> I don’t have a favourite part. It’s all good.

Do you feel like your favorite season lasts long enough? >> No.

Did you ever want to change your name when you were little? >> I changed the name I used for myself constantly when I was little. Not that anyone else paid any attention.

What color Christmas tree do you want when you have your own house someday? >> White is pretty, but Sparrow wants to get real trees when we have a house so I guess we’ll be doing that.

Are you happy with your life right now? >> Sure.

What do people accuse you of the most? >> I don’t find myself accused of much of anything.

Have you felt depressed at all lately? >> A little, when winter was first settling in.

What is your current favorite kind of soup? >> Tomato, but the good kind.

Do you feel like you're a slave to the government? >> No.

Have you ever contemplated leaving the country? because of the injustice of your country? >> Leaving the country is not only financially unfeasible, it’s just... not really a solution, for me. I don’t glorify other countries just because they have this thing or that thing -- they all have their downsides. Some countries have downsides that might be more immediately harmful to me than the bullshit the US does. Unless I was moving for the sheer fun of it, out of pure desire (as opposed to escape), I don’t see the point.

Do you have overdue library books? >> No, but I do have to renew my library card, argh.

What was the name of your favorite Barbie? >> ---

Did you give your Barbies individual names? >> I don’t remember if I named them.

Does your mom like your favorite color? >> ---

Which family member's birthday is closest to yours? >> ---

Which holiday is your bday closest to? >> Memorial Day. Sometimes it’s the same day, to my annoyance.

Is your favorite nail polish running low? >> ---

What is your favorite nail polish color? >> Black.

Do you use a sunlamp? >> No, they’re way too concentrated for me.

What is your favorite thing to do on your phone? >> Read. I use the shit out of the CloudLibrary app.

Which department store do you live closest to? >> Meijer and Target (they’re in the same shopping center).

Do you keep a diary? >> I keep a journal on Dreamwidth.

Which friend do you want back? >> ---

Have you ever contemplated going back to an ex because you're lonely? >> When I was younger, probably.

Does your back hurt right now at all? >> No.

What magazine would you like to subscribe to? >> I’m thinking about maybe trying out some [digital] subscriptions to like, New Yorker, or Harper’s, or some other digital publications. All of them have subscriptions now, after all, and it’s getting hard to go on my Longform.org binges when half the sites they aggregate from are restricted.

Do you think you would look good on the cover of a magazine? >> I have no idea how I would look on a cover of a magazine. Most of the “looking good” happens through the makeup and photo-editing, so idk, maybe.

Have you ever wished you were born in a different country? >> No.

Do you ever get praised for doing a good job? >> I mean, by Sparrow, I guess.

Do you wish you had someone on your side? >> I do have someone on my side.

Would you pretend you were suicidal because a nurse wanted you to? or because a youth leader wanted you to? or because a stranger wanted you to? >> What...??? I cannot imagine a single situation like this. Where they do this at?

Do your peers label you as depressed and reject you because of it? >> No?????

Who was the last person you met who wasn't toxic? >> I don’t think anyone I’ve met is toxic. Some people just have a lot of shit going on and that shit don’t play well with others. I’m not going to call them “toxic” because of that.

Do you feel like your life is just work, work, work, with no reward? >> No.

Do you ever get tired of the abuse and just want to quit? >> What abuse?

Do you wish there were penalties for abuse in your country? >> There... there are... (Now, whether someone is willing to follow the law or not -- or whether they’re held accountable by the law or not -- is a whole different story.)

Do you wish there were a refuge for the abused in your country? >> I’m not sure what kind of refuge you’re thinking of.

Do you wish you had a safe place you could go where people cared about you? >> I... I do... damn, survey-maker, you good???

Do you feel happy right now? >> Sure.

What color were the last pair of pajamas you wore? >> The last pj pants I wore were black.

Do you put sugar in your tea? >> No. Sometimes I’ll put some honey in, depending on what kind of tea it is, but other teas I just drink as-is.

What's one childhood dream that has stuck with you? >> ---

Does anyone encourage you to go after your dreams? >> I don’t have any dreams, man.

^Did that last statement bring pain with it? >> Nah, it sounds depressing but I actually just don’t operate that way. I’m more present-oriented than future-oriented.

What color was the last mug you drank out of? >> White on the outside and yellow on the inside. It has a cute cartoony cactus on it.

Do you feel hot today? >> I feel hot almost every day. I run like a furnace.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? >> Their Eyes Were Watching God.

Are you exhausted? >> No.

How many tabletop Christmas trees do you have? >> Zero.

Do you think skydiving sounds fun? >> I sure do.

Who do you know who has been skydiving? >> I had a friend whose brother took the course and got a license for it, and I think I’ve met a couple other people who’ve done it.

Do you itch right now? >> No.

What is the ugliest animal known to man (in your opinion)? >> ---

Do you eat meat? >> Yeah.

Have you ever purchased a poinsettia? >> No.

Do you like poinsettias? >> They’re all right, but I’m not interested in them enough to purchase one. Also, they’re toxic to cats, so we can’t have any in the first place.

Would you want your bday to be on a holiday? >> Nah. I like my birthday to belong to me and me only. :3

[shittingnonsense]

WHY THIS?

Because I’m tired.

Tired of myself, tired of my family, tired of people shouting at me, tired of being lonely.

Tired of everything.

Tired of being the type of person I am, tired of how I am.

I have a habit of keeping everything to myself. Closed and guarded. Suppressed inside, not revealing anything to anybody. 

But  have realised that this is not healthy. Not for me, nor for the people around me.

However few people I voluntarily talk to, I genuinely do like them and care for them deeply. With my stupid habit of keeping everything close to myself, I never tend to have anything to share with them. I anyway take some time to open up and converse freely, no matter how close we I am to that person/s. This habit of not sharing doesn’t help at all. I feel like I’m betraying them in some manner.....ok maybe not betraying, per say. But I do feel guilty. As if I’m not contributing enough (which I’m clearly not). 

Mind you, all this is in regards to my relationship with my ‘friends’.

Family, is a lot more complicated. And a lot of my post will be related to them.

Ya, so this blog....thing. Its primarily a venting platform. Something personal, that nobody is aware of. I’ll maybe tell a few (1 or 2) people about it, but not anytime soon, and certainly not until they ask me about it. 

Its very much like a diary. But a lot more private. Because its digital and no one from my family is aware of it. Even if they do find out (I don’t intend on telling them about it ever) they don’t know the password and are unaware of the workings of the Tumblr. (The reason why I chose tumblr. Thats the #beautyoftumblr )

You might be thinking “Its on the internet, Tumblr to be precise, how is this private?”

Well, my notion of private is a little different. As I said, its a venting platform. Someplace where I can let lose, where I can say whatever I want, without bothering about people’s opinions of me or them interrupting me. 

Something that nobody that knows me personally, thinks exists. Or can find out about anytime soon.

I’m FREE here and that’s energising enough for me to go through another shitty day.

I write down whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. And as it grows, I can go back a look at older posts and compare them to the newer ones to track my growth, progress, change in thinking pattern and what not.

Another reason is that I feel that this’ll help me change; for the better or for worse, we shall see about that later. (I hope its for the better :) )

Why do I wanna change? Simple, to be happier. To be a better person and reach my fullest potential. #cliche right? 

But yeah, to be happier. At peace. Be more stable.  AND it’ll help me be a better writer. Be more articulate and help me express myself more clearly.

So, if nothing else then at least I’ll have that^  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, it’s a public platform. Others can see my post, share it, comment on it etc etc. Its me helping myself and if in the process I can help others too then why not?

And who knows, maybe someday someone might have a suggestion that might help me, and I would’ve never expected it. “Expect the unexpected”

I have been thinking of starting this since December last year. But I always chickened out at the last moment. I knew this was important, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Its because I’m lazy af. 

Also because by the time I’m done setting it up and just need to start writing, I’m done raging and my mind is back in its blank state. 

I came close to writing thrice before.

Once in December, that led to me coming to a decision of starting an online blog to sort my self. That time I got distracted by the Primary-Secondary blog feature of tumblr. (stupid me)

The second time somewhere in late January. Something happened at home, some fight or argument as usual, and I was blamed, as usual. Leading to dark thoughts, leading to me going “shut up me, you need to calm down. Go vent it out on you blog-idea-thing”. Again, came very close to doing it. But could’t because I wasn’t alone enough to set it up.

The third time would be in mid February. Near my internal exams. Why then, at that moment, when I clearly needed to study? Because procrastination. And whats the best way to procrastinate studying? Why, go set up your blog and write a post! Also, there must’ve been another argument that pushed me there.  

Finally, the fourth time’s the charm. And guess what must’ve “motivated” me to do this? The answer is ANOTHER fucking scolding. You know what they say “Frequent scoldings, keep your blog going”.  (-_-)

Never mind that. Its finally here. Its finally done. Lets hope I continue it and make it a habit. It’ll be one good habit I’ll have.

Would it be daily entry, weekly, monthly or entry on days when something happens and I feel motivated/pushed enough to write it down? Eh, idk right now. I hope I can do a daily thing or at least at Thrice-a-week thing. If not, I will most definitely post on days when I’m raging or days when I’m being particularly contemplative. 

I will most certainly continue writing here, one way or another. I promise you that, I promise MYSELF that.

~Byeeeee :)

[ 7 April 2017, 20:50, Mah Bed ]

[simplerperfectionist]

Day 1

Today is the first day of an extended social media break which I have chosen to embark on in an attempt to break my addiction, foster my relationship with myself, develop and deepen my focus, clarify my own intellectual and artistic voice, and hopefully vanquish that little goblin that sits in my head and watches me all the time from the projected viewpoint of others. You know that Atwood quote about every woman being a man inside a woman watching herself? I feel like that all the time. She’s nodding to the way in which the internal voyeur is used as a weapon of the patriarchy to get women to subject themselves, and I do feel that in a gendered way sometimes but I also experience it in a more general way, that whatever various audiences I perceive myself to have live constantly inside my head and I am performing for them at all times, even in my thought exercises. Which I suppose is because those audiences only exist within my head. Yes, there are people that follow me on various platforms or friends who consume my #content, but the panel of people that I feel are always watching me and measuring me are simply my own inner critics projected out through these platforms onto the vague digital presences of my friends and acquaintances and a smattering of strangers. Anyway, all of that is to say that my overuse of digitized self publicity has been making me feel like a madwoman and has been actively rewiring the way that my thoughts form and unnecessarily activating my stress responses for, well, honestly probably for years, but most notably for the past year or two. 

Lately one of my favorite fantasies is to acquire whatever sum of spare money it will cost me to hire a tech nerd to scour the internet for all of the profiles and accounts and email lists that I have long since forgotten and abandoned which they/I/we can then scrub, delete, and bury. I feel like none of us listened when people were like “whatever you put on the internet exists forever.” I shouldn’t speak for other people. I never listened. It didn’t feel like a big deal! I was a kid and I wanted to know things, and express myself, and keep up with my friends. I didn’t know that it would one day rather haunt me to feel relics of my earlier selves floating about in the ether, available to anyone even remotely more computer savvy than myself. Anyway THAT’S a fun paranoia I generally avoid thinking about for longer than 30 seconds at a time. In truth, I don’t think it matters that much. I mean I can pretty easily freak myself out about it if I think about like A.I. or like dystopian government conspiracies or even the possibility that I could ever end up being someone in a position of notable influence that might motivate people to fuck with me... BUT if I avoid those dark rabbit holes, it really doesn’t matter. What are people gonna do with my old 8tracks playlists? With an etsy shop I forgot about? They’re ghosts of my former selves and dried out seeds of old timeline potentials. Lol. 

God, I shouldn’t have mentioned A.I. because now I’m stuck thinking about how you cannot confirm the interiority of anyone at all in the world save for yourself and subsequently I truly could be the only human being in a world of A.I. and I wouldn’t know. A fun secret is that I have become a truly deeply paranoid person over the past several years and sometimes I freak even myself out with how unhinged I can sound, but I generally handle it pretty well and surrender myself to the knowledge that I don’t know much about the nature of reality, nor do I need to, and whatever thoughts I run with are simply thoughts and are quite harmless. If you’re reading this please do not involuntarily commit me lmao. 

Okay the irony of documenting this journey digitally online, specifically on a social media platform, and writing to a nonexistent but theoretically eventually existent audience is NOT lost on me. There’s something comforting about it though. Honestly, I’ve always thought that about writing on tumblr. I used to have a locked blog that was a digital diary of sorts though I believe I’ve since deleted it. There’s something about the blue background I feel like. It’s like writing a letter and sending it out to sea. I guess it’s also the anonymity of the platform. I know a few users on here, but generally I know nothing save that there are other users and I know some of their interests. This feels like a way to be seen without being seen at all. Like talking to the stars at night. Anyway I suppose I could write in my journal instead, but I like the act of typing, and I do have a vague sense that I may someday share this. Also I do think this is helping to ease the withdrawal from the public platforms, which is actually probably the only reason I’m using it.  

Enough musings, here’s the nitty gritty of the update: I've deleted Instagram and Twitter from my phone. I don't remember my logins for them so it's a fairly effective barrier in that there are a variety of steps I would need to go through in order to get back on. Twitter auto logged out on my laptop so there's a similar barrier there. I've yet to log out of insta on my laptop but I suppose I should do that as well. I've rearranged the apps on my phone and I suspect I will another 8 or so times as my relationship to the device changes. I desperately want to throw it away and get something simpler, but I’m still too tied to it at the moment. I really want to be free of it. I hate my stupid phone. I want to not feel like I’ll die without it, like I’ll start living on another planet. Honestly? I probably will! And that would be good for me. But I can’t shake the feeling that something bad would happen if I did, that if I stopped looking at everything happening out in the “world,” if I stopped observing what all of these people I’ve labeled as friends are doing, then I, what? Would lose touch with reality? Would become too different from them? Might dare to be happy in this chaotic time on earth? 

I actually know exactly what unplugging fully would do. At first I’ll have to go through withdrawals, but once I make it through, the noise in my head will quiet, the sense of being watched will severely diminish if not die, I will become deeply grounded and present in my own surroundings, observing them honestly from my own perspective rather than filtering them through learned lenses, I will stop questioning my own artistic and intellectual worth, instead trusting myself because I will become my primary resource of knowledge and creation and discernment, I will invest more deeply in the relationships that exist in my physical reality and the distant relationships in which I and the other are equally invested in maintaining as I’ll no longer have the illusion of relationships that subsist on passive observance and occasional expressions of support via likes/comments/reacts. I don’t know WHY I’m afraid of that!!!! That’s what I want!!! I want friendships based on time spent together, I want letters exchanged, post cards, phone calls, I don’t want impersonal pictures of peoples’ lunch orders or concert videos. I don’t want to be known that way and I don’t want others to know me that way. I don’t want to meaninglessly keep tabs on people, I want the magic of wondering about them for months or years and randomly encountering them. I want to live in a world of magic. I DO live in a world of magic, I want to clear enough space to let it work. 

I fell into musing again lol. The rest of the update is that I still have facebook but I never check it. I’m keeping tumblr for now because it’s still useful to me in various ways. I have snapchat as well, but I only really use it for two group chats. I still have costar, venmo, and spotify but I rarely use the social aspects of them. I need to purge my email, but that’s not a job for today. I also need to end some subscriptions which is less about social media but they still feel like digital ties. I thought nextdoor would be a good form of plugging into the local buzz, but it’s honestly just annoying so I need to get off of that too. I’m planning to start reading the local papers and avoiding all other news. Hopefully this will guide me towards community engagement and local politics instead of 24 hr national outrage. Oh I’m also still listening to podcasts if that counts, which I feel like it does. Okay! Well,

Signing off until next time,

This has been E. G.

[chroniclesofamiddlechild]

FEBRUARY FAVOURITES

WELPPP!!! IT HAS BEEN 5EVER SINCE I LAST BLOGGED. BUT I PROMISE, I’LL TRY TO MAKE MORE POSTS!!! so THIS IS A NEW THING THAT IM GOING TO FEATURE ON MY BLOG!!! MONTHLY FAVOURITES and REGULAR STATE OF THE UNIONS!!! if you guys know me, you should all know how OBSESSED I AM WITH YOUTUBE CULTURE AND YOUTUBERS AKA DIGITAL CONTENT CREATORS. i would LOVE to be one, but i value my privacy a lot... and i also dont like to see my face/hear my voice. ^^ #NOTINSECURE #JUSTDONTLIKEIT welp. also, if you dont know what state of the unions are - theyre based off of my 2ND FAV PRE-TEEN BOOK SERIES: THE CLIQUE by LISI HARRISON. its basically about a clique of rich girls and the leader is massie block and every week she journals a STATE OF UNION where she says whats IN and OUT for the week. LOL. if anyone is wondering, my 1st fav pre-teen book series is: THE IT GIRL by CECILY VON ZIEGESAR. WAY BETTER THAN GOSSIP GIRL!!!! but anyways, those books can be talked about in another post. THIS POST IS ALL ABOUT FEBRUARY!! W00T W00T 

so february was a short month, but a lot of things happened that im satisfied with which is great. i bought some new skincare in february, i listened to some new music, read some new things etc. but from all that, these are my some of my favourites from this month

the body shop tea tree anti-imperfection daily solution 

I AM SOOOO OBSESSED WITH THIS PRODUCT!!! its sooo good for my acne prone skin!!! i really feel like after like a few days of using it, MY SKIN HAD IMPROVED. i’ve been using it as a serum instead of my innisfree green tea serum cos that one sucks. i can feel it being absorbed into my skin and i like the smell and i just LOVE IT. i really recommend this product to EVERYONE!!!

nike flyknit racers in volt

yup.. so i have an obsession with nike, but THIS PAIR IS AMAZING FOR RUNNING. well, i dont run more than 5KM these days but theyre sooo good. theyre so light and they make my wide feet look NARROW which is great cos i HATE MY WIDE FEET. (still mad at my dad for giving me wide feet. and still mad at my grandma for giving me these wide feet genes.) but i have another pair of flyknits and they SUCK and gave me blisters. but these ones have some kind of cushion which doesnt KILL me when i walk and run. ^^

music

if you dunno me, then you dont know how OBSESSED I AM WITH MUSIC. i eat, breathe, sleep music. i just am always listening to songs and always low key humming. i really want to be in a rock band before i die. but ANYWAYS. february was an ALRIGHT TIME FOR MUSIC. i had a lot of songs on repeat. 

say you wont let go- james arthur was one of them. SOLID SONG and im really happy for james arthur who is now able to find success after winning x-factor. i used to be obsessed with x-factor back in the day cos IT BROUGHT SUCH GREAT GEMS LIKE ONE DIRECTION, but i found that a lot of the winners could never sustain their success like leona lewis, matt cardle (LIKE WHO??). but anyways, SAY YOU WON’T LET GO is such a nice song but the lyrics are LAME AF. i hate that kind of cheesy crap but the melody and his voice are soo nice. cant hate but HATE THE LYRICS. 

spring day - BTS. i know KPOP song. I LOVE KPOP AND I LIKE WHAT I LIKE. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS. solid song!!!! the thing that i like most about kpop is that their lyrics arent lame like north american music. like omg I CANT WITH LYRICS LIKE “so baby pull me closer in the back seat of your rover that i know you cant afford blah blah blah.” like songs like that are just so dumb to me BUT THEYRE SO CATCHY. but spring day is a nice chill song. when it first came out, there was a huge snow storm in toronto, so i downloaded it on apple music (EVERYONE WITH AN IOS DEVICE - GET ON APPLE MUSIC!!! FK SPOTIFY) and then shovelled the snow for an hour as i listened. 

omg.. this part of my favourites section is SO LONG. BUT I GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA MENTION ONE LAST SONG!!!

someday - BtoB. obvi my FAV KPOP GROUP!!!!!! but legit. such a good song composed by my BTOB BIAS/KPOP BIAS/LIFE BIAS: IM HYUNSIK!!! as i listen more to the song, there are so many layers in the audio. like the strings, the drums, the guitar, the piano. like SUCH ART. i wanna learn how to create music like that. but how does one even hear these and then put it together to create a song?? I WANNA LEARN!! anyways, the lyrics of the song is art too. its a kind of sad but hopeful song about someday meeting a previous love again. and being sorry for how you acted previously. kind of a cheesy concept, but the lyrics are really good. my fav part is ilhoonie’s rap: 

Even when I’m doing well, without much thought The forgotten memories come back as a dilemma Me with you and me without you Are two entirely different people, just know that All these illusions make the musty air thicker First time first love it was really good for the first time But it became a mess, as if we were at war But some day

how can people be so good with words??? how can i put my depth into my writing and not write about such vapid things like february favourites!??!?! I WANNA LEARN!!!! 

one thing that i was kinda obsessed with in february was refinery29′s money diaries . i know.. so weird, but its kinda interesting to see how people live and how much money they make and exactly what they spend it on. because of money diaries, ive been just keeping track of my spending in my journal which is so MATURE of me~~ keke 

inari sushi

ya so i LUV THIS. AND ive recently started to make inari with my sister. so ez to make (cos we buy the seasoned bean curd) (no one got time to fry bean curd and season it). and all you gotta do is cook SHORT GRAIN RICE and make the rice vinegar and sugar seasoning. and then FILL UP DA BEAN CURD. EZ PZ. but SO BOMB. high in calories, but its okay. SOMEDAY, ill be cooler.. (lyrics) ^^ 

welp

OMG. idk why I KEEP ON SAYING THIS. WELPPPPPP. WELPPPPPP. i love it. this is the new SPICY.. but def one of my fav SLANG/MADE UP WORDS. LMFAO. WELPPPPPPP!!! WELPPPP!!! where did it even come from!??!?! i will never know. but WELPPPPP!!!!! 

and this concludes my february favourites. i know.. its a little sporadic, a little too much on the music.. but its me. im still trying to figure out how to make my bloggie a little more organized and trying to format these posts a bit better. but i just type what is on the top of my head. and this is what came out. hopefully march favourites will be BETTA. but bye february! you were nice to me~~~