#I think it would be interesting if that self-deprecation was present during WWII

[daydreamerdrew]

Captain America (2005) #31

[labyrinthof-fan-fiction]

When You Were a Young and Callow Fellow

Part 5 of Try to Remember

Bucky X music teacher fem!Reader

Summary: Your relationship with Bucky progresses and you meet the Avengers.

A/N: I realized that I don’t know that I’ve ever tagged this as female reader and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I also apologize that I have not updated anything in so long. Work has been crazy with COVID right now and I’m just trying to make it through the day.

Warnings: Angst, Self-deprecation, bed sharing.

Word Count: 2,586

James Buchanan Barnes found it hard to search through his old memories. The past was shaky for him, uncertain and unknown. Most people would state that as their thoughts toward the future. But for him, it was his past. Tracing patterns, backtracking to find the truth, the real memories. Years as the Soldier had muddled his brain, causing him to consistently question his own reality.

Who was he? Was he really friends with Captain America? Did he save people? How many did he kill? These questions swirled through his mind daily. Questions that he didn’t have the answers for. The people around him barely had answers for him. Tony had answers, but those were painful, they weren’t the answers he wanted. The answers that absolved him and showed that even through the Soldier days, he was a good man, those were the ones he wanted. He had to be a good man, he had to be good, otherwise, how would he have you?

He appreciated Steve, who constantly tried to remind ‘Buck’ of the good old days. Times of dancing in crowded dance clubs with a new dame each week. Beating off Steve’s bullies who he didn’t think were too big for him to take on. Tales of their days serving as Howling Commandos, of Steve’s lost love, and the war. Steve always acted like not a day had passed since their friendship began. But a day had, almost fifty years had passed.

Steve stood tall and strong, a super soldier who sacrificed himself for the good of mankind. He cast a six foot tall shadow that Bucky often found himself shivering in. Golden boy was the phrase he would use to describe his best friend. An almost entirely unattainable state of perfection was what Steve was. Good, kind, honest, the kind of man that the word doted upon. Bucky felt the pang of jealousy in the pit of his stomach, even though he knew it was not well placed.

Steve had always been a good, kind, and honest man, that much he knew.  The difference now, was that in terms of attractiveness, the two were on even footing. Bucky found himself shaking his head as these thoughts invaded his mind. His mind redirected itself to thoughts of you, it had been a few months since your first date, and several more had followed. The side of his mouth curled up as he thought about the stories you had told him about your students and their recent antics. Stories of stuck valves and slides, broken reeds, and off-key singing. The best part of his day was hearing about yours, as cliche as it was. There was a degree of normalcy that he had gained through being with you. A normalcy that he had doubted he would ever receive again.

His tower mates were pleasantly surprised at the progression of the relationship. Sam had threatened that he was becoming tempted to follow the two of you during dates. “It’s just not fair that we haven’t met her yet.” He would whine.

Tony kept hounding him that it was time to bring his flame around to meet the family. “You can’t keep her to yourself forever!”

And that was how Bucky found himself waiting in your living room as you got ready to meet the Avengers. The television was playing a show you had been watching before he got there, it played on as background noise. He occasionally glanced up and saw animated figures on the screen, but he was more interested in how you were feeling about tonight.

“Doll, how are you doing?” He called in your direction.

“Fine, I’m fine! It’s all fine!” You answered from your room. You stood in the third dress you had changed into since he arrived. It was one of your favorites, casual, but cute. Bucky was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. So you assumed this was a relatively casual meeting. It had taken a while, but he finally got you to call him Bucky and not James. Not that he minded James, but he felt like James had met you under a false pretense in a way. Bucky, though, was who he authentically was, or at least who he strove to be. “Are you sure casual dress is fine?”

You heard him sigh and the sound of his feet padded through the living room to your room. He stopped at the doorway, his eyes taking in the sight before him. “Doll, you look perfect. They are going to love you.”

Your eyes met his for a moment when he mentioned that word. You quickly glanced down, your heart fluttering in your chest. “Okay, I’m ready.” You said, reaching out to grab the jean jacket you had worn earlier to work. You pulled your classroom keys and school badge from them, set them on the table and braced yourself for what was to come. Bucky held out his hand to you and you threaded your fingers through his following him out of your apartment door. Your roommate had remained in their room once Bucky showed up. No amount of convincing could get them to meet him, only begrudgingly accept that he was a part of your life.

In the months of dating you had grown more comfortable with Bucky’s past of being the Winter Soldier. You had always been told that you were quick to forgive and understand. Usually that was said in a condescending manner, but in this instance, it was welcomed, almost worshipped at times. On your own, there had been instances of doubt, brought forth but a Google search or a news article. Photos and reports of the Winter Soldier’s dealings were made public through the news as Bucky became more active as a member of the Avenger’s team. Reporters trying to make names for themselves began writing furiously about the man whose hand was entwined with yours.

After the publication of a truly scathing article you had found yourself in the Captain America, standing in front of Bucky’s WWII uniform. Bucky had retreated into himself for a week. The last conversation you had with him had ended with him telling you that you would be safer without him. You read the description in front of you, reading the edits to include the Winter Soldier and his new work as an Avenger. You reached out and traced over his name.

“That kid, he thought that he would save the world.” You heard a voice murmur behind you. “He thought that he single handedly would defeat the Nazis, then he became one.” You remained quiet, letting him continue. “He contributed to the very things he hated and wanted to defeat. They should have left him for dead.”

You flinched at his final sentence. You knew that Bucky had low opinion of himself, but you never realized how much hatred he harbored for himself. You turned, looking at the man in front of you. His eyes were red, his hands haphazardly wrapped in bandages. “Bucky....” You started, taking a step towards him, which he quickly took two back as a response. You sighed, and took larger steps, closing the gap between you so the two of you were only a foot apart. His eyes met yours, then abruptly turned to the floor.

“I’m no good for you. He was, in the 40’s. God, he would have been good for you, maybe he was a cocky ass, but he was good.” His hands were shaking. “I’m just spare parts.”

You reached out, and gently placed your hand under his chin, bringing his head up so his blue eyes met yours. “You are good. You are still him. Through all the hell you’ve been through, you are still a good man.” Tears had formed in his eyes, causing them to become glassy. Your hand reached down and fingers entwined with his. “I’m not afraid.”

You were brought back to the present by him giving your hand a slight squeeze, you were outside of the tower. The A shining brightly amongst the skyscrapers.

“They are going to love you, and you are going to be fine.” He whispered in your ear as you entered the elevator. You took a deep breath, letting his words soothe you. The elevator ride seemed like it was going on forever until you heard the ding and the doors opened. “It’s just pizza and movie night.” He chuckled in your ear, giving you a gentle push out the door.

You glanced around and noted that all the Avengers were standing in the living area that opened to the elevator. A giggle fell from your lips as you took in the sight before you. They looked like the cast of your middle school musical when you had directed them to act natural.

“I told you this was a bad idea.” A voice snarked, as a man moved toward you with an outstretched hand. “Sam Wilson.”

Bucky released your hand so you could shake Sam’s.  A parade of faces made their way up to you, familiar from the television, but completely new to you. You felt Bucky’s hand tracing circles on the small of your back as each member of the Tower came up to introduce themselves to you.

Natasha smiled at you, “About time we find someone who can put him in line.”

“Hey!” Bucky started, only to be silenced by a glare from Natasha.

“We’ll talk later.” She said with a wink as she walked away. Bucky grumbled from beside you, making you chuckle.

Tony Stark and Bruce Banner made their introductions, Bruce pulled Tony away as he continued to ramble. Finally, Steve Rogers stood before you. Bucky’s motion on your back paused as he held his breath.

“Steve Rogers, it’s a pleasure to meet the woman my best friend won’t stop talking about.” He said, giving your hand a firm shake before giving a slight nod to his friend. “Sometime I’ll tell you all the stories he doesn’t want you to know.”

“I look forward to it.” You answered as Bucky’s breathing began to even out.

“Alright everyone, now that we’ve had introductions, let’s start this movie night!” Tony called from the kitchen, leaving the room with a plate full of pizza. Everyone filed into line and began taking pizza and followed the man to a home theater.

Your eyes widened as you entered the room, couches and chairs filled the room, a silver screen filled the wall across from the door. You could hear a chuckle from behind you, “Tony doesn’t spare an expense.” Bruce said, shuffling to a recliner across the way.

“My seat’s over there.” Bucky nodded to a love seat in the corner, you followed him. Taking in the sight of the Avengers, or most of them, having a movie night. Bucky noticed you glancing around, “This all started when Steve and I didn’t understand a Star Wars reference. Now Tony mandates a weekly movie night to catch us up on what we missed.”

You raised your eyebrows at him. “At least he started you on Star Wars. He has some taste.” You chuckled, taking a bite of pizza. “So what’s on the list for tonight?”

“The Princess Bride.” Bucky answered.

A grin split across your face, you looked at Bucky. “This is one of my top ten movies of all time. It is great.” You said, taking the final bite of your pizza, Bucky reached out and took the plate from you, stacking it on his and placing it on the ground.

“Then I’m sure it’s a good one.” He said, opening his arm for you to cuddle into his side. You snuggled into him as the movie started, his hand resting on your side. You could feel eyes on you from a few of the Avengers, but you didn’t care. You mouthed along to the lines of the movie, word for word. Bucky found himself watching you more than the movie. Watching you mimic the actors, the smile on your face when something happened, the pure joy the film brought you. He decided that this movie was going to be on his top ten list.

The ending credits began to play and Bucky glanced around, the room was empty. He wasn’t sure when the group had decided to leave, he looked down at you, your head was resting against his chest, your eyes drooping closed. “Doll, we better get you home.” He murmured.

“Don’t wanna move.” You grumbled, clinging to his side. “Stay here.”

He chuckled, “I think we’ll both regret that in the morning.”

“Mmmm.” You sighed, nuzzling against his chest. He brushed his hand through your hair.

“Doll, you gotta get up.” He said, attempting to move you.

“Don’t wanna, wanna stay.” You answered.

He sighed, his room was just down the hall, he could carry you. “Doll, do you want to stay in my room?”

“Mhmmmm.” You answered with a small yawn.

“And you couldn’t say that because…?”

“I needed an invitation.” You answered, sitting up.

A small smile on his face, “C’mon, let’s go.” He pulled you up from the couch and led you to his room. He led you down the hall to his room, he opened the door and led you into a room that was so obviously Bucky. The walls were painted a deep blue, a large bed in the middle of the room, and a dresser. It didn’t feel empty, it felt like a home. Bucky walked to his dresser and pulled out a shirt and sweat pants. “I figure you don’t want to sleep in that outfit.”

You smiled sleepily, “You would be right.”

“Bathroom is over there.” He pointed in the direction. You nodded and closed the door behind you. He pulled a set of sweat pants from his dresser and quickly changed into them. He stopped as he glanced at the bed. Sure, he had shared a bed with a woman before. But that was before he was the Soldier, before the night terrors. He tensed by the side of the bed for a moment and you walked out of his bathroom to see him frozen by the bed.

You took in the sight of him standing there in just his sweat pants, your eyes moved up his body to his face where a panicked look was in his eyes. “Buck, what’s wrong?” You made your way over to his side and placed your hand on his cheek.

“I could hurt you.” He whispered. “I get nightmares.”

You caressed his cheek. “We’ll work through them together, let’s go to bed. We’re both tired.”

He nodded stiffly and pulled the covers back as you crawled under them, he followed cautiously. Laying on his back, arms tight at his side. You rolled over so you were facing him. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration. You curled close to him. “Buck, it’s okay.” Your hand reached out and brushed his arm. He relaxed into your touch, rolling to face you. His arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you into his chest. He placed a soft kiss to your forehead.

“Goodnight.” He whispered. Your eyes closed and he could feel you drift to sleep in his arms. He looked down at you, the dim light from his window illuminating your relaxed face. He brushed your hair from your face and smiled. “I love you.” He whispered before closing his eyes and drifting to sleep, his arms holding you close to his chest.