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em-writes-stuff-sometimes · 1 year ago

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darilaros (princess) │ Chapter 5: Forgotten

terms of endearment ‘verse: see my Masterlist for the correct series order!

Chapter 1 │Chapter 2 │Chapter 3 │Chapter 4 │Chapter 5 │Chapter 6 │Chapter 7 │Chapter 8 (COMPLETE!)

Synopsis: As the second daughter of King Viserys, you experience firsthand what it means to belong to the House of the Dragon. Your family gains new additions.

Hello! My sincere apologies for how long this took. I got massively sidetracked by researching how to bind a book, the interest in which hit at a completely inappropriate time in the writing-editing-crafting cycle, lol. I should definitely be focusing on finishing this thing before I start fixating on binding books. Anyway; this chapter is a little time-jumpy, given that I have to speed through a bunch of time. Also, note that I've fudged with the ages of Alicent's kids, so in Episode 3, know that she is now pregnant with Aemond, not Helaena like in the show. It's the only way to make him of-age in the Episode 8 scenes. Happy (and well-deserved) holidays to my boobear @ewanmitchellcrumbs, who I have graciously given a night off of slaving away for me, lol.

TRIGGERS: continued discussion of child grief, Viserys's shenanigans in impregnating an underaged Alicent (canon, this is NOT MY ADDITION).

When Alicent gets married to Papa, they have a big ceremony. So so many people come from all over the kingdom to see Papa take a new queen, and the days of the wedding—there are lots of days to them starting in marriage—are full of more noise and colour and movement than you could ever think was real.

Her dress is very pretty, and Papa looks very nice in his new coat, but neither of them look so happy as people who are going to be in marriage should be. Papa keeps playing with the ring on his finger that is from Mama, while Alicent just looks like she is afraid. You think it might be because of how loud everyone is being.

’Nyra isn’t happy, either. She keeps you on her lap the entire time with an angry look and doesn’t speak to Alicent very much at all, but at least she tries to be kind when she does. She ignores Papa, and because you are all sitting at the high table and everyone is watching you, he cannot tell her she is being rude and naughty.

Because you don’t want to look at Alicent’s unhappy face or ’Nyra’s angry one, you play with your sister’s necklace, letting the shiny metal take all your attention. It is Valyrian steel, which is what Papa’s and Uncle’s swords are made out of, so it is very special. Uncle gave it to her. When you let your fingers swirl over the ruby in the middle of the big pendant over and over, you pretend that it’s a part of him and that he’s here, after all.

After the big ceremony is done, life goes back to almost-normal. Now that Alicent is Papa’s queen, she is something called a stepmother, meaning that Brella and Septa and all the people who are made to look after you and ’Nyra have to talk to her about you both. She is like your mama. You wake up and break your fast with Alicent, and she cuts up your food instead of Mama, and she takes you outside to play and tells you about the names of the flowers. Then, when it is time to sleep again, she reads you a story. You think that she likes it very much because she always seems sad until she sees you, and then her face goes bright like the sun.

‘Nyra doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like it at all. When she learns that Alicent is acting like your mama, she goes very red like she’s going to scream, but she just goes very quiet instead and storms out of your rooms. For that whole day, ’Nyra takes you to the gardens and to see Syrax and to the library to learn some more High Valyrian, her new sworn shield Ser Criston behind her all the time. She never once lets you go see Alicent to do the things you normally do. When you finally get to be in the room with her at suppertime with Papa and ’Nyra, which Papa has said you all must do now so that everyone can get along, all she does is give you a small smile that doesn’t make her eyes go bright like usual and ask about your big day with your sister.

That is how things are for a while. Either you will go through your days with Alicent or with ’Nyra, and never both in one day because ’Nyra is still so angry at Alicent for being in marriage with Papa. You keep asking why, but your sister doesn’t tell you anything. She just goes quiet and frowns and mutters things you cannot hear. Meanwhile, Alicent will always stop, take a big breath that sounds shaky when she lets it out, and say, “I have no quarrel with Rhaenyra. She is as welcome to my rooms and in my company as you are, princess.”

You think that might be a lie.

One day, though, everything changes.

’Nyra decides to take you to the library so that you can look at more books in High Valyrian. Even the books written in the Common Tongue make no sense to you yet, and Brella told you this is because you are not old enough to learn reading properly. Still, your sister says that it is still good to try when you’re young, so she sits beside you and points out all the funny-looking symbols and tells you what they mean all together. You fall asleep in there instead of having a nap in your bed, but ’Nyra just puts a blanket over you and keeps reading. When you wake, you listen to her voice as she speaks the words from the pages aloud. You don’t understand all of it, but you think you’ve learned more and more since Mama died and she stopped being friends with Alicent. It means she has lots of time for you. Maybe that shouldn’t make you happy, but you cannot help it.

At supper, you see Lord Hightower, Alicent’s papa, beside her. That means that you have to be next to ’Nyra tonight, so you follow her to her side of the table and sit in the chair that the maid pulls out for you. The chair is higher than the others, made special so that you can reach the food that is put before you. Looking around, it is easy to tell that something is different from how happy Lord Hightower looks and how smiling Papa’s face is.

“My two daughters,” he says a bit too loudly, cheeks bright red. His cup is in front of him, and the gold shines red from the drink inside. Wine, you think. It is for men and women, not little girls, and it makes the people who drink it act strange like Papa is now. He waves his hand in a ‘hello’ as he lifts his cup to his mouth and takes a sip. “Ah!”

’Nyra starts eating her food without a word. Everyone has plates with different foods on it, but you have a bowl in front of your seat. Because you are small, the cooks always give you pottage for your supper so that you can eat it with a spoon and no one has to cut things up for you. You don’t always like it—there are lots of lumps and you can never tell what taste is going to be in your mouth with each bite—but it is warm and makes your tummy nice and full.

The room is full of the sounds of chewing and clack-clacking when the knives and forks hit the plates. You pick up your spoon and scoop up some food. There are dark bits, which means the cooks have put meat in it. You scrunch your nose.

Papa coughs between bites. He is still smiling a lot. “It seems like an age since I saw you last!”

“We had supper with you yesterday evening,” ’Nyra says.

“Ah, yes!” He takes another drink of his wine. Maybe he shouldn’t, because he is blinking very much like you do when you’re trying to stay awake. “Perhaps the waiting has made it seem longer.”

“Waiting?”

“I am sure you have noticed Otto’s presence by now.”

’Nyra doesn’t even look at the man. “My lord.” Her voice seems cold.

“Princess.” Lord Hightower bends his head, but he doesn’t sound very happy either.

Alicent puts her hand on Papa’s arm. ’Nyra watches so closely that you wonder if her eyes can make holes in other people’s skin. “I—we—have some news, Rhaenyra.”

“Oh?” She sounds bored.

“Well…”

When Alicent doesn’t say anything, ’Nyra makes a huffing noise. It is very rude.

“Well?” she asks, looking between Alicent and Papa. “What is it, then? Everyone’s acting rather strange.”

“Alicent is with child,” Papa says.

‘With child’ is what people say when a baby is growing in a lady’s belly. It’s what Mama told you before Baelon grew very large inside her.

’Nyra freezes, almost like she has forgotten how to move. No one says anything. Papa’s smile—the one that his words made so much bigger when he said them out loud—begins to fall, more and more with each moment that ’Nyra does nothing at all. Then, it goes away completely, and he’s no longer happy like he was.

It’s quiet again. Not the nice kind—the kind that means that someone is about to yell or be naughty.

“A baby?” you ask. Maybe you can stop the bad from happening if you help everyone remember that you’re still here.

Alicent looks at you, the fear leaving her face a little. She nods. “Yes, princess. You’re to have a brother or sis—”

“Half-brother.” ’Nyra’s lips move, but the rest of her stays still. She cannot stop staring between Papa and Alicent. “Or half-sister. Either way, they will not be your full blood.”

“You are correct, princess.” From the way Lord Hightower speaks and how silent Alicent and Papa are at ’Nyra’s words, you think she must have said something quite mean. He gives her a little smile, one that makes her hands squeeze really tight on her knife and fork. “Even so, these are glad tidings, indeed. Let us all pray for the queen to be delivered of a son.”

“I’m sure that would be of great benefit to the Hightowers, my lord. A son… to solidify your claim to my father’s throne.”

Lord Hightower stops smiling. Alicent gasps.

Papa makes a small noise. “Rhaenyra—”

All at once, she stands, the plate in front of her clattering loudly with how quick she rises. “Congratulations, Your Grace.” She doesn’t sound very happy for Alicent, even if the words are nice. “Forgive me—I feel suddenly unwell.”

“Daughter—”

’Nyra ignores Papa and storms out of the room, leaving her food only half-eaten. The rest of supper is very quiet, the loudest noise of all being the sound of your own breathing.

Isn’t a baby meant to be happy news? you wonder. You look around, but no one here is very happy—except for Lord Hightower. Though he isn’t smiling, he has his head held high like he has had every one of his wishes granted all at once.

“What do you think, princess?” Brella asks.

You stare down into the cradle at the baby. Your brother. Aegon. He is squirming, face bright red, squished and crying. He hasn’t stopped even once since you came into the room. He might have been crying since before you did, even. Aside from the bright hair on top of his head, you don’t think he looks very much like you.

“He’s nice,” is what you say, but you don’t know if you really mean it. It’s more for Alicent, who is watching you from over on the bed. She looks very tired. If you said something less kind, she may cry.

Alicent smiles. “Thank you, princess. Nurse—bring him to me, please.”

She doesn’t mean Brella. There is another woman here, Gwenys, who Lord Hightower and Septa Marlow assigned to help give Aegon milk and take care of him when Alicent cannot. Gwenys comes and picks up the baby, walking over to give him to Alicent. She rocks him in her arms which doesn’t stop him from crying, but she still keeps on bouncing him softly. He is very unhappy.

Now that Alicent is holding Aegon, you know that she’ll forget you are there. Ever since Papa told you and ’Nyra that he was in Alicent’s belly, neither of them have had much time for you. It feels like all the people in the keep—from Papa and Alicent and Lord Hightower to the servants and maids and stableboys—have been more excited for the baby than they ever were for you. The only person who has remembered you is ’Nyra, and so you are with her on most days. It sometimes makes you sad, because it really was very fun to play pretend that Alicent was your mama for a while, but ’Nyra says that it wasn’t going to last, anyway.

“She is to have her own child to care for, now,” she told you in the days after learning about the new baby. “You were good practice—but you aren’t her blood, not really. Not like you and I. Her son will be born, and you’ll be given to a nurse or a septa to raise.” When you cried, she bent down and wiped away your tears. “It doesn’t make her a bad person,” she said quietly. “But this is the way of the world, sister. Men and women, kings and queens… they all want sons. Us daughters must stick together, yes?”

’Nyra was right. At first, Alicent tried to keep pretending to be like your mama. But then, the baby made her very ill, so she stopped asking you to come to break your fast so you wouldn’t have to see her being sick into the pail by her bed. Then, she spent so much time sleeping that she didn’t have the energy to come outside with you, or to dance with you, and soon, the only time you would see her was at suppertime. Even that wasn’t always. And now the baby is here, you don’t think she will be going back to the way it used to be.

Maybe that is why he feels like such a stranger to you. At least with baby Baelon, you got to feel him kicking in Mama’s tummy. Aegon wasn’t here for so long, and then all of a sudden, he was. He is. You don’t know him at all. He’s just a baby, come to take your papa and almost-mama away from you like all the rest.

Brella’s hand on your shoulder is what helps you walk towards the door, Alicent and Aegon staying in the room behind you. With your back turned, it’s easier to pretend that Alicent is very sad by you leaving.

The more moons pass, the more faded Mama’s face is in your memory. You try to hold onto the way her eyes would crinkle at the corners when she smiled, or how her hair would curl a bit like yours after her bath, or the way she’d smell like roses when she hugged you tight. It slips away, out of reach. Putting rose oil in your bath helps you, but only a little bit—and the longer that Mama is gone, the less you can remember of her.

Papa doesn’t like to talk about her. When you ask him, he just spins the ring on his finger around and says, “Another time, perhaps.” You know that ‘another time’ really means ‘never’.

There is no one else in the keep that really knew her like you and your family knew her, except ’Nyra. She tells you stories sometimes, but you don’t ask a lot because she usually likes to tell the ones that have you in them. When she finishes, she always smiles and asks, “Do you remember?” You never can, and it leaves you feeling like someone has scooped out all your insides.

So, Mama fades, and becomes part of that place in your mind where the things that are being forgotten go. Even though you try and try and try, there is nothing that can stop the forgetting. One day, you think she might be nothing more than a quiet sort of sadness, like looking out the window at the rain and wondering why it makes your chest hurt so much.

Seeing Alicent with Aegon is the only thing that reminds you of her. Even though Alicent’s hair is red where Mama’s was silver, and Aegon is loud and angry where you are quiet and shy, the way that she kisses his cheeks or hums little songs under her breath to him makes you think of how Mama would do the same for you. He doesn’t seem to be very happy when she does these things. If it were you in his place, you know you’d be better than him. You wish she’d realise that.

It seems like no time at all goes by when Alicent is with child again, meaning she’s going to have another baby. If it is anything like Aegon, you do not think you’ll like it very much. Sometimes, you feel very naughty for it, but you cannot help how he makes you feel. All he wants to do is make a fuss and take everyone’s attention, and he keeps crying and being naughty even as Alicent’s belly grows bigger and bigger with your new brother or sister.

When Helaena is born, Papa and Lord Hightower aren’t as pleased as they were with Aegon. You can tell because, while they are both in the room when you come to meet her, neither one is looking at her as she lays in the cradle. They had both been looking down at Aegon last time. You think it is because Helaena is a girl, like you and ’Nyra. You decide that you have to love her if they won’t.

She is a quiet baby, but so still that it makes Gwenys worry and worry, even though all she is doing is lying in her cradle and staring straight up. Maybe she knows how rude her big brother is, you think, and she wants to do and be all the things he isn’t.

You weren’t allowed to hold Aegon because he was so disagreeable, which means he would probably have screamed and cried if you did. He still screams and cries, which is why Alicent has to spend all her days with him even though she’s just had a second baby, so Helaena is by herself with Gwenys most hours.

Helaena isn’t like Aegon. This time, Gwenys has you sit in a chair with a pillow under your arm and brings the baby to you. “Mind her head,” she says, tugging your arm forward so that Helaena fits nicely in your arms. “There we go.”

She is a big baby, round and heavy and warm, but you don’t mind because she gazes up at you with large blue eyes that look like they might turn purple when she gets older. The hairs she has on her head—and there aren’t many, not like Aegon had—are silver, and you know that she will look very much like you when she has grown more. When you stroke a finger over the skin on her hand, her whole fist grabs onto it, strong even though she is so young. It’s like she knows who you are, even without any words being said.

You wonder if this is how ’Nyra felt when she met you—a burning that tingles all through your arms and legs, not in a way that hurts, no, but in a way that makes you want to squeeze tight and never let go.

Helaena doesn’t cry. She falls asleep while you’re holding her, her face turned into you so that you can feel her tiny breaths through your dress. It is special and warm and love-feeling like Alicent used to be, like Mama was when she was not-dead. The hurt goes far away, still there but not so much, not so heavy in your chest.

For a little while, the sadness—of forgetting Mama, of being forgotten by so many others—fades away, too.

When you are five summers old, you have to say goodbye to Brella.

All the while you are breaking your fast, she looks like she is about to start crying. Even though you wonder why, you don’t ask. When someone cries, it means that something bad has happened. So much bad has already happened, and you don’t know if you want to hear any more. You eat in quiet, scooping porridge into your mouth while the sound of sniffles fills the room. The taste of honey would make you feel happy, but not when Brella is so upset. Your food sinks to the bottom of your belly like one of the hot bricks you sometimes get under your blankets when it’s very cold at night, only there’s nothing nice about it. It’s hard and rough and makes you feel sick.

After you have finished every bite—you have to eat all of it, or you don’t get to play—Brella takes you by the hand and leads you to the chair. “There is… there is something I have to tell you,” she says, slow and shaky.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. You wish that you were like ’Nyra, that you could say the words out loud—but you cannot. You don’t want to know, but you say nothing, and you wait for whatever bad thing is coming to show itself.

“I…” Brella swallows and looks down at your hands, still holding onto each other even though you are sitting and there is no need. “Tell me again how old you are, princess.”

“Five.” It’s a very small number, but you are still proud because you’re almost a big girl now.

Brella laughs, nodding. “That’s right. Five. My goodness. How time flies!”

You find that silly. Time doesn’t fly. It isn’t a thing-you-can-touch, and only things-you-can-touch can fly, like dragons or birds or insects. Still, you try not to show your thinking on your face as Brella squeezes your hand tighter.

“Being five summers old is a very important milestone when you’re a prince or princess,” she says. “Do you know why?”

“No,” you say. “Why?”

Here, she stops. “It… It means—gods, I don’t know if I can say it.”

“Well, then. It appears that I must,” comes a voice from the door.

You turn. Septa Marlow stands with her hands joined in front of her, her mouth pinched into a line so small it is like it has disappeared from her face. Her grey wimple makes her skin look just as colourless. She steps forward, and the sound of her shoes touching the ground seems as loud as thunder.

“You are of an age to begin your lessons, princess. Thus, it is time for your nurse”—she looks at Brella and her lip curls, though you cannot tell if she’s happy or angry—“to depart, and for me to take over your care.”

The sick feeling gets worse, and you wonder if you might bring up all your food from how bad the pains are in your belly. “But—but Brella will still stay, though? For Aegon and Helaena?”

Septa Marlow huffs. “There is no need, silly child. Their nurse has already been appointed, and Gwenys will suffice for any future children borne by the queen. Brella is to collect her things and return to the Vale.”

Brella has taught you some of the places on the map that shows Papa’s kingdom. You live in King’s Landing, which is in the Crownlands, and it is at the bottom of the map. The Vale is where Mother—Mother, not Mama, Mama is for babies and I am not a baby anymore, you have to keep telling yourself—came from, that it is a bit up and to the side from the Crownlands. It isn’t that far in the drawings, but Brella says that maps show a smaller picture of what is really a very, very long distance.

If Brella has to return to the Vale, it means she will be very, very far away.

You think you might be frozen, like ice. You cannot say anything. All that you can think, over and over, is no, no, no, please, not Brella, no, no, no. The fire-burn of tears warms behind your eyes, but you know that you cannot let Septa see you cry. She’ll think you are weak.

Brella sniffles. “I can write to you,” she says, pulling you closer to her. “And, when you’re old enough, you can write to me. How about that?”

You nod, but her words don’t make you feel better. Paper isn’t the same as a person, not really. Even if she puts letters on paper and sends them to you, it won’t be like one of her hugs or the way she laughs when you miss a dance step or fall over in the grass. It won’t smell like her or look like her. It won’t make you feel safe like she does.

She will turn not-real like Mother. Only, maybe it is worse—because you’ll know that, somewhere a long way away from you, she will be real, but that you cannot have her anymore.

“I don’t want you to go,” is what you say, but it comes out like a whisper, not strong like you wanted it to.

“I know, my darling,” Brella says, hugging you tight so that you can feel her heart beating through her skin and yours. “I know, and I’m so sorry—”

“If you could unhand my charge, nurse.” Septa’s eyebrow is raised. “Although—now that it occurs to me—‘nurse’ is no longer the appropriate moniker, is it?”

Brella glares at her. “There’s no need to be so—”

“Your time here is at an end.” Even though she looks like she’s trying not to show her feelings, Septa lifts her chin in the air like ’Nyra used to when she would win at cyvasse against Alicent. “Say your goodbyes.”

“What—here? Now?” Brella’s mouth is open like she’s very surprised. “I’d thought the princess would be coming to see me off at the harb—”

“That is not a good idea. She is too… attached.” Septa says it like it is a curse. “A public display of histrionics does not a respectable princess make, no matter her juvenility.” You have no idea what most of these words mean, but the way they make Brella sink in her seat cannot be a good thing.

She tucks your hair behind your ears as she looks down at you, her eyes wet. “Be good,” she says, very soft so that Septa cannot hear them well. “Make sure you write to me, yes?”

She brushes her thumbs over your cheeks—out, in, out, in—the way she does when she really means ‘I love you’.

“Please stay,” you whisper, trying not to let your lower lip wobble like it wants to so badly. “Please don’t go.”

Brella hugs you again, her whole body shaking. Your face is smushed up against her shoulder, the smell of her herness filling your nose with so much warm. You wonder if, by clinging on tight, you can stop her from leaving. She cannot leave. She is what you have left now that Mam—Mother is gone, now that Papa has Alicent and ’Nyra has Papa and Uncle has his war somewhere away from you. She cannot leave. She cannot.

It feels like she has been holding on for forever and also for no time at all when she lets go, stands up, and walks away without a word. The door shuts.

She didn’t even say goodbye.

Is it worse or better, watching her go away? you wonder through the cold that settles in your body, in your arms and legs, the sharpness of it so much that you feel like shivering even though the sun is shining hot outside. You never saw Mother die. She was here, and then she wasn’t. But you have to watch Brella leave, knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it all the while.

“Dry your tears, girl. ‘Tis about time your coddling came to an end.” Septa pulls you by the shoulder off the chair. Her hand doesn’t feel warm like Brella’s does. Her stare—fixed on you—travels up and down, her mouth crinkling at the corner like she is thinking about something. “Why she was allowed to linger past your name day, I will never understand.”

You cannot think of anything to say, so you keep quiet. It doesn’t seem to make Septa like you any more than she did before, which you don’t think was very much. The tears keep falling, though you try and try to make them disappear.

“Now,” she says, clapping her hands sharply. The loudness of the noise makes you jump. Teardrops shake onto your dress. “We have a long day ahead of us. The queen has requested an update on your progress, so you will be learning no less than three hymns before the end of the sennight. I should like to provide her with”—she looks you up and down again, and this time it seems like she is thinking something unkind about you—“some indication that you will shape up to be a lady of high standing.”

‘I’m a princess, not a lady,’ you want to say. You don’t.

Septa begins striding away, then stops and turns around to face you. “I expect you to follow when I walk, and to acknowledge me when I speak by saying ‘Yes, Septa Marlow’.” She almost spits the words at you. “Understood?”

“Yes, Septa Marlow.” It doesn’t sound as strong or as clear as when she said it. You wish you could sound less afraid. Still, she seems to find it good enough. She says nothing afterward, just waits for you to trail along after her.

“Hmph.” She clicks her tongue. Staring down at you again, she adds, “And stand up straight.”

You do as you’re told.

Septa Marlow is as frightfully mean as you always feared.

One thing you learn quickly is that everything you do and say is wrong. When you laugh, it is too unbecoming; when you smile, you show too much teeth; when you walk, you are too hunched over; when you eat, you are too gluttonous. You’re a simpleton when you ask to play with your dolls, so they sit at the foot of your bed slowly being covered by dust; you’re graceless when you try to dance, so you practice after you have been put to bed to try and get better before each morning; you’re impertinent when you say what you’re thinking instead of keeping it to yourself, so you learn to let your thoughts stay inside your head. There is little that she doesn’t pick on and tell you that you need to change.

“Use full words, please!” she says whenever you forget to speak in the proper way that she expects. She always raps her willow switch on the table in front of you after that. Lucky for you, she has not yet used it to hurt you. “It is ‘does not’, not ‘doesn’t’. There is no need to employ such low-class mannerisms as a lady of your standing!”

“Yes, Septa Marlow.” There is no point trying to tell her that she’s wrong.

It isn’t all bad, though. Having Septa Marlow take over means that you are now expected to learn all sorts of things, and a lot of it is very interesting. New words, new houses, new hymns, new dances—you start to learn how to sew, how to put letters together to read them, how to count numbers and add and take them away to make different numbers. Septa says that there are so many things a noblewoman like you needs to be able to do by the time she is ready to be married, so that she can run her husband’s household and take care of him and her future children. That is a long time from now, but practice makes perfect.

The only time you are not with Septa is when you are with your family, like today.

Because Aegon has lived past being a baby—and Septa says that babies die a lot from the weather or from being sick or from being fed too much or too little or sometimes for no reason at all—Papa has announced that everyone must go on a hunt to celebrate his name day. You have to sit in the wheelhouse with he and Alicent and ’Nyra and Aegon and three other nurses, but not Helaena. She’s only a baby still, so she must stay in the keep with Gwenys.

It is not a very fun ride. Being in a wheelhouse with them all means putting ’Nyra very close to Alicent, whose belly has grown big with a baby again. Lots of people have lots to say about how many babies Alicent has had since she married Papa, and most of it is not very nice towards your mother. She could only have two girls, and it took her a long time to have you after ’Nyra.

Papa thinks there is another boy in Alicent’s belly. You hope not. Aegon is loud and rude. You think it might be worse if there were two of him instead of just one.

“… whole of our family off to celebration and adventure in the kingswood,” Papa is saying. You swing your legs back and forth, though you must stop each time you roll over a big bump in the road. You stay quiet, because Septa says a lady does not talk unless she is asked a question.

A very big bump in the road makes Alicent’s smile fall.

“Should you be travelling in such condition?” ’Nyra asks. She sounds worried, even though she is no longer friends with Alicent.

“The maester said that being out in nature would do me well,” is what Alicent says back.

Papa starts talking while he finishes giving Aegon a sip from his cup. You wonder if it’s wine. “Well, you will be with your own child sooner than late, and make me a proud grandsire.” He is smiling, perhaps at the thought of it.

‘No, I will not,’ the look on ’Nyra’s face seems to say. You cannot help but agree with her. Having babies seems like such a tiring thing to do.

“It’s not so bad.” Alicent has to speak louder to be heard over the rattling of the wheels and the hoofbeats of the horses. “The days are long, but Aegon came quickly and without fuss. Helaena, too.”

The nurse who is holding Aegon in her lap—Delia, you think her name is—waves a toy dragon in front of him. He smacks at it with his hands, frowning. You would never treat your toys like that.

“You should ride out with me today,” Papa says to ’Nyra. “Join in the chase, while you”—his eyes go to you—“sit about with your lady stepmother. Hm?”

“Okay, Papa,” you say quietly. Proper ladies do what their fathers tell them to.

’Nyra’s hand finds yours. “I’d rather not. The boars squeal like children when they’re being slaughtered.” From the way her fingers squeeze yours and her stare fixes on Aegon, you know she doesn’t mean you when she says that. “I find it discomfiting.”

“It’s a hunt, Rhaenyra.” Papa smiles. It is a careful sort of smile, not a happy one. Aegon’s yell distracts him for a moment, but he is quick to return to speaking to ’Nyra. “How would you like to participate?” he asks her.

“I’d be leaving my sister alone with the vultures of the realm,” ’Nyra says, “so I’m not sure why I must.”

Trying to understand what everyone means by what they say is very difficult—you aren’t sure if she’s saying that the ladies coming along are vultures, or if she’s trying to say Alicent is. You don’t even know what a vulture is, so you aren’t sure if it is a bad or good thing to be.

“Because you are my eldest daughter. The princess.” Papa looks like he is finding it harder and harder to stop himself from telling ’Nyra off. “And you have duties.”

“As I am ceaselessly reminded.” Your sister says it softly, but it is easy enough for you to hear from your place next to her.

Papa doesn’t, though. “I’m sorry?”

Instead of making up a lie or saying that she did not say anything at all, ’Nyra repeats herself louder. It is terribly rude, but you enjoy watching as you have always enjoyed watching her being brave against other people. “As I am ceaselessly reminded.”

“You wouldn’t need to be reminded if you ever attended to them.”

“No one’s here for me!”

Papa doesn’t seem to know what to say to that. Neither does Alicent. They both just fall silent along with the nurses. Even Aegon stops making all his annoying noises, instead sitting so still that he could be sleeping if his eyes were not open.

You make sure to hold onto your sister’s hand even tighter. If there is anyone in the whole world who does know what to say, it is you. If only you were brave enough.

‘I understand, ’Nyra,’ you want to say. ‘No one’s here for me, either. No one’s ever here for me.’

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physalian · 3 months ago

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How to Keep your Insecure Character from Becoming a “Nice Guy”

Or Nice Girl

The very last book I will have beta’d for the foreseeable future had a lot going for it, but one trait I absolutely despise in fictional characters is insecurity that makes it everybody else’s problem (I mean I hate it in people, too). By this I mean, the girlfriend who cannot tolerate her boyfriend having other friends who are girls, and whining to him about it. The partner who still wonders if their lover loves them, with zero evidence to the contrary, constantly forcing a tiring debate to sate these unfounded claims.

The thing is. Real people are like this.

But the other thing is: Fiction is meant to entertain.

It’s never the insecurity that I have issue with (I am not immune to it myself) it’s the impact that insecurity has on the story. If this protagonist had quietly kept it to herself but allowed the rest of the story to move forward, and dealt with it, if not alone, but in some progressive or even regressive manner, just not stagnant, it might’ve been okay.

So the scene that would have had me DNF immediately if this had been an organic read was these two adult middle-aged characters. Stalker plotline. The boyfriend is a has-been. The girlfriend, protagonist, has already had many a bout of insecure nonsense (oh he thinks I’m ugly as he’s railing me against my dresser) but the breaking point is when she’s sent an explicit photo of him when he was younger, mid-sex with some model.

And this lady is absolutely crushed. The revelation that… this is a person who has had sex before… is somehow shocking. Like, this character seemed to desire a 50-year-old virgin who is also an adonis. The whole time I’m reading her only care about her own feelings, when I’m thinking “do you not give a single fuck about how your boyfriend feels seeing himself so exposed, a picture floating around on the internet at anyone’s mercy? How he feels to be reminded of this moment and manipulated, too?”

I’m sure I’m in the vast minority who cannot stand these types of characters, but I would have quit the book right then and there. The book was also a who-dun-it, meaning any character could be a suspect, including the boyfriend. So we’re sitting here with multiple red herrings while the protagonist ignores all of them to whine about how the man’s unbridled and unflinching love and adoration for her just isn’t enough.

Bitch then be single if you can’t handle the knowledge that your 50-year-old celebrity boyfriend got around when he was younger. You knew what you were getting into. Which was my sticking point—it wasn’t like this was a shocking twist reveal. She knew from the moment they met that he was a bit of a player. It would be wholly different if he’d led her to believe that he’s some devout celibate saving himself for her.

Is this entertaining to other people? It’s not to me.

Separating it from the actual insecurity for a second: When you force your character to go around in circles in their arc and development, no matter what that arc and development is, you have stagnated the plot and each time they meet the same pitfall, they make the exact same choices that keep them in this loop.

None of this insecurity subplot amounted to anything. She eventually got over it after one arbitrary conversation but she didn’t change as a person, it didn’t do anything for the story, it was just there, probably an outlet for the author to exercise her own demons.

But this is a story and I am not entertained and your author insert is subject to the same scrutiny as everyone else.

So.

What *I think* are compelling ways to write insecure characters. Because I wrote one. My protagonist in ENNS.

You can and should absolutely write for yourself. Just always remember that if you only write for yourself, you can’t expect everyone else to like it, and you can’t get mad when they don’t. They are not you and they don’t have your tastes.

Have the insecurity be part of their arc with movement, either forward or backward, so they don’t become a static and boring character

Give them some evidence, any evidence, to support this insecurity. Maybe their love interest really does have an issue with some physical trait. Or in the past they really have been bullied or mocked for it. Anything so that this character’s fears have merit and can become tragic and relatable instead of unfounded and annoying.

Have this character take actions to augment this insecurity or cover it up, so that they’re not going “ugh I’m so ugly… but I’m not doing anything about it it’s just here”. Like wearing oversized clothes, keeping their hair in their face, speaking softly or not smiling with teeth—whatever it is, give them some agency in this fear. This is still a character trait and internal conflict, therefore it needs some actual conflict. Inaction is unappealing.

Balance out the negativity with something more compelling. They might be insecure but they’re really skilled at this one thing, or they’re really funny or kind or smart, so the audience has something else to root for instead of just a character who is negative and self-deprecating for the entire story.

Show that though experience proves this insecurity garnered them mistreatment, this current person they’re trying to impress really doesn’t care one bit about it, and don’t make it the other character’s problem. You can still have the protagonist wary and skeptical that the comments haven’t started, but let them do so quietly instead of cornering the friend/love interest with zero evidence to demand attention when said friend/love interest has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Like. If this was a murder mystery, and you had a character who, with zero proof, started suspecting Character E, and didn’t even look at A-D, despite all the mounting evidence that E is innocent, Protagonist is just fixating and projecting and stuck in their own head, would that be entertaining? You’re reading a murder mystery to live vicariously through the hero and use their smarts and observation skills to try and solve it yourself. You’re not here to watch them harass E until they admit to guilt for a crime they didn’t commit just to make it stop.

If that is a story you want to read, the summary would make that quite clear up front, or at least the first two chapters before you get invested. If I’m sold a murder mystery, by god, I’m going to expect a murder mystery.

Something I see a lot in inexperienced authors (or those who think “writing is easy, if it’s hard for you, you just suck”) is making characters too realistic. If you want to write a full-blown transcript of a conversation, false-starts and stutters and nonsensical grammar and half-finished points, be my guest, but fiction is supposed to be a little cleaned up. Details in fictional stories should be written with intent.

Not every single one. Sometimes a character’s eyes are green because I have too many with brown. It’s not that deep.

But bigger things, like a character’s personality and motives, should all serve the greater narrative. What does their insecurity say about them? How does it impact the choices they make and how they see the world? Is this something they grow out of or a trait that dooms them as a self-fulfilling prophecy?

The lesson doesn’t always have to be “you’re beautiful just the way you are”. It can be a nightmarish regression. Whatever it is, just tell a story with it, otherwise, why is it here?

#writing #writing a book #writing advice #writeblr #writing resources #writing tips #writing tools #character development #character design

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nataliesfirefly · 7 months ago

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chapter 1 - new year, same rivalry

a/n: hello! i’m back finally! super excited for this series, it’s definitely going to be more wholesome than my other one, and more of a slow burn! my plan is to have ten chapters, but that could change later on.. anyways enjoy and please tell me what you think! if you would like to be put on the series taglist, let me know! ♥️

chapter warnings: slight language

wc: 3.8k

series masterlist

“Welcome, year twelves. It’s lovely to see you all today, I recognize some familiar faces. My name is Mrs. Chasteen, I’ll be your teacher for English studies this year.” You set your bag down and take a seat, glancing up at the woman speaking. She’s very elegant, with her grey hair pulled into a strict bun and sophisticated tiny rectangle glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. You smooth out your black pleated skirt before crossing your legs.

“As I’m sure you all know, this year is very important. You should be considering which universities you wish to apply to, how you would like to further your education…” Your attention is side tracked when a tall figure hurries into the room, his dark eyes scanning for an open seat. You swear your heart drops to your stomach. Farleigh.

His eyes eventually fall onto you after spotting the empty seat next to you. He reluctantly walks over and sits down next to you with a big sigh, like he’s just put off by your existence. At least the feeling’s mutual.

“Your grades need to be in top shape this year, as they will determine your chances of getting into university. This year is arguably the most important for grades,” Mrs. Chasteen explains, pacing around slowly. You shift uncomfortably, scooting away from Farleigh. It’s like he’s trying to take up space on purpose as he splays his books and papers across the table. You shoot him an ungrateful look which he ignores.

“Now, enough about all that. I’m going to introduce the book that we will be studying closely this term.” You perk up at her words as she goes to her desk, picking a book up off the surface.

“This book is found on many, many reading lists for universities, namely Oxford.” You raise an eyebrow and sit up at the mention of your dream school. “A classic from the Victiorian era: Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë.” She holds up the book briefly and you let out a relieved sigh. “One of my personal favorites,” She adds quietly, setting the book back down.

Farleigh nudges you with his shoulder and you have to stop yourself from physically recoiling. “Would’ve thought you’d already read this by now,” He mutters with a slight smirk on his face, showing his teeth like a fox. Suddenly, a question enters your mind and now you have to ask, though you might come off as insecure. “Have you?” You whisper back, eyebrows furrowed. He shakes his head. “No.”

Okay, good. That would have been bad if he had already read it. It’s always nice at the start of the year. You’re both even, and no one’s ahead of each other in anything. Yet.

“We’ll be discussing and taking assessments over the chapters, so be certain to keep up with your reading. For your final project before winter break once we finish the book, you will be writing an essay based off of it and a prompt that I will give you. I will also be pairing you up with someone to collaboratively write said paper with.” Your eyes widen at this. A group project? Well, not a group. A duo. Nevertheless, it’s weird for two people to write an essay together. You’ve never heard of it.

“You need to learn how to critique each other and work together. It’s an important skill for uni.” Mrs. Chasteen seems to notice everyone’s looks of confusion. “Hmm,” Farleigh hums. You glance over to him shortly before observing the other students in your class. You recognize a lot of them. Just accquaintances, not friends.

“Anywho. Please come and grab a copy, then sign the sheet so I know you received one.” You quickly stand up and head over to her desk. You want to make a good first impression. But Farleigh and his stupid long legs make it there before you do, charming Mrs. Chasteen with a bright smile.

“Hello. I’m Farleigh. I’m absolutely thrilled to be taking your class,” He holds out his hand, speaking with his velvety voice while your teacher shakes his hand with a curt nod. “You’re quite tall,” She remarks with an impressed expression. You roll your eyes. Why does everyone feel the need to comment on his height? Does it make him better than everyone else? It’s just one more thing that makes Farleigh stand out more than you, and you hate that. You miss what he responds with due to your bitter thoughts.

“Please, take a book.” She steps back and gives him more space. He reaches down and takes a copy off of her desk, signing the paper shortly after with his free hand, writing in flawless cursive. You’re envious of how smoothly and quickly he can connect the letters. It looks like something out of a scroll from the eighteenth century.

“Oh, wonderful cursive,” Mrs. Chasteen clasps her hands together in approval and Farleigh just glances at you with a shit-eating grin before walking off and back to your shared table.

“Hi there,” You put on your best I’m very high achieving and hard working smile and mimic Farleigh’s actions, holding out your hand as you introduce yourself. She smiles back warmly while shaking your hand. “What a beautiful name. I’ve heard many great things about you from your previous teachers.” She almost lowers her voice. You feel your face heat up and you try not to show your pride.

“Oh, well then, I hope I live up to your expectations, miss.” You say with a beaming smile. She chuckles and hands you a book. “I’m certain you will,” She replies as you sign your name on the sheet of paper in slightly sloppier cursive, looking worse underneath Farleigh’s perfect signature.

You walk back to your spot with a spring in your step, holding your head high. Hearing just those few words from your new teacher’s mouth made your day. That’s how badly you crave academic validation. Or just… validation in general.

“You hear that?” You ask, returning his grin from earlier. “Hear what?” He asks, raising an eyebrow and turning to you with a confused expression. “Nevermind.” You don’t know why you thought he would’ve heard your conversation from all the way over here. “Mmm,” He hums in response, and there’s some attitude in his tone. You debate whether you should come up with a snarky question to ask him, but you decide against it.

Once all the books are handed out, Mrs. Chasteen walks up to the whiteboard and uncaps a marker. “So, can anyone tell me something interesting about Emily Brontë?” She asks.

Both of your hands shoot up at the same time. You mentally curse at Farleigh and shoot him an annoyed side glance. He returns the favor. Mrs. Chasteen notices this and raises her eyebrows. “Eager to answer, are we?” She chuckles and then looks around. “Anyone else?”

You glance around the room. No one else is raising their hands, they’re all just looking expectantly at you and Farleigh. You look back to your teacher with wide eyes, willing her to pick you.

“Alright then..” Mrs. Chasteen clears her throat. Her eyes land on you. She’s going to pick you. Yes. Now you can prove your intelligence and superiority to the rest of the class, and to Farleigh.

“Farleigh.” Your hand drops back down to your side in defeat and he turns to look at you. He just winks. He winks. The annoying fuck, you could probably strangle him right now-

“Well, Emily wasn’t the only poet and writer in her family. Her sister, Charlotte, wrote Jane Eyre, which was hugely successful. But Wuthering Heights was critiqued for being too clumsy or, rather, not well structured.” He explains, sounding like a fucking Britannica article. It was the exact thing you were going to say, and it pisses you off. You rest your elbows against the desk and put your chin in your hands, sighing dejectedly.

Mrs. Chasteen nods and writes this on the board, summing up the information into bullet points. “Correct. Very good.” She caps the marker again and turns back to the class. You raise your hand quickly, and she calls your name.

“I think Farleigh’s forgetting to mention Anne Brontë. She was probably the least popular out of the three sisters, but her works are seriously underrated. Her last novel, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, was one of the first feminist novels. She paved the way for other female authors and gave women a voice.” You explain, and Mrs. Chasteen looks surprised at your level of knowledge. You can feel Farleigh’s bristling energy next to you. You smile contentedly, watching as your teacher writes what you said about Anne off to the side.

“And have you read this book?” Farleigh suddenly asks. You turn to face him, unafraid of his challenging. “No, I have not. But I did a project over the Brontë sisters last year, and my research went quite in depth.” You explain, and he does one of those Olympic winning eyerolls. “Having extra information like that comes in handy, you know,” You grin as his eyebrows furrow, glaring sharply at you. “It’s not like it matters. We’re not even talking about Anne. She asked about Emily.” It seems like you two have forgotten completely about the rest of the students in the room, the teacher, and everything else in the world as you begin to argue. It just comes naturally.

“If I’m not mistaken, you mentioned Charlotte. She asked about Emily,” You mock him. He opens his mouth to say something back, then closes it and looks down.

“Alright.. anywho, now we’re going to read a short introduction to the book to give you all an idea of what you’re getting into.” Mrs. Chasteen explains, giving you and Farleigh a stern look.

Throughout the rest of the class, you and Farleigh remain silent and refuse to speak to each other, though you were instructed to discuss with the person next to you. You look out the stained glass window, watching the raindrops patter onto the cobblestone, the puddles illuminated by the golden light shining from the lanterns, the chatter around you drowned out by your own thoughts about the rest of today.

Your overthinking is interrupted by your teacher’s voice.

“Okay everyone, that’s it for today. I will see you all tomorrow. Could you two stay for a moment, please?” She turns to you and Farleigh as you’re gathering your things, gesturing for you two to come up to her desk. You both glance at each other before nodding and heading over after you’ve swung your bag over your shoulder.

“So… you two seem very.. competitive. You’re both very intelligent, make no mistake.” You wonder where she’s going with this. “Which makes me curious– May I ask which universities you two intend on applying to?”

“Oxford.” You both say at the same time, after which you immediately turn to each other with wide eyes. What? No. It can’t be. You’re seriously fucked if he applies to Oxford. They rarely ever take two people from the same school.

“You’re applying to Oxford?!” You both ask, once again, at the same time. He looks almost personally offended by you, with his upper lip pulled up and his eyebrows knitted together in a familiar scowl.

“Oh- Haha, well. What a coincidence,” Mrs. Chasteen chuckles nervously, glancing back and forth. “I went to Oxford. It was quite lovely there, and the professors–”

“No, you can’t. I’m applying to Oxford.” You point at yourself, and he scoffs. “Who says I can’t?” Farleigh asks, his voice dripping with sass. “Me.” You reply. He rolls his eyes and facepalms with exasperation.

“Well, the chances of you both getting in aren’t… impossible. If they see two exceptionally good students who are at the top of their class, they won’t mind if you’re from the same school. They only see the talent,” She goes on to explain, trying to stop an argument from breaking out again.

“Logically, they would pick the top student, though. Not students,” You emphasize the s at the end of students. Mrs. Chasteen continues. “You never know. And backup universities are a great option, if–”

“I appreciate the suggestion, but I’ll only be applying to Oxford. It’s Oxford or nothing,” You reply, your voice full of determination. “Me too. Oxford’s been my dream uni since I moved here from the states,” Farleigh adds. You turn to glare at him and he glares right back.

“Well then. That’s fine, just please try not to take up any more class time with your bickering.” She raises her eyebrows at you two. You nod. “Yes, miss.”

“And who knows,” She says, pushing her glasses back up to the bridge of her nose, “You two might work better together. Two smart brains are better than one,” You shudder at the word together. You and Farleigh working together? Absolutely not.

“Think about it.” She points a finger and you reluctantly nod, just to give her some temporary satisfaction. “You’re excused,” She dips her head and you hear Farleigh let out a little sigh of relief. “Thank you, miss. Have a good day,” He nods shortly to her before turning on his heel and heading for the door. You follow suit.

Shit. You forgot about the rain. Before English class, you had made it inside before the downpour had really started. Now the raindrops covered every inch of the ground. You have to cross the courtyard to get to your next class, which is in the west wing of the school. You awkwardly stand in the arched corridor, listening to the rain, slightly shivering as you try to make a decision. The weather is always bipolar in London. It’s September, and the other day it was sweltering. Now it’s freezing and rainy.

Farleigh turns around and raises an eyebrow at your hesitation. “What are you doing?” He asks. You glance down. He’s holding a black umbrella. How is he always prepared for everything?

“Well I don’t have an… umbrella,” You mumble, gesturing to the one in his hand. “Am I supposed to care?” He replies. Of course. Why did you think he would care?

“You asked me what I was doing,” You throw your hands up. “I was answering your question!” You exclaim angrily. He rolls his eyes. “What’s your next class?” He asks hesitantly.

You pull out the small yet important paper from your pocket with your classes on it, looking down and squinting. “Biology,” You reply, looking up and watching all the other students bustling around, chatting excitedly or holding umbrellas over their head as they walk through the courtyard. You look back to Farleigh, who seems to be thinking something over in his head.

“Alright, c’mon.” He nods to you, walking out into the open area, holding up the umbrella. You step forward without questioning it, just thankful for the rare act of kindness. “I’m headed to the west wing anyway,” He says as you walk side by side, as if he has to make it clear that this is not him being generous to you. It’s simply convenient.

You wish you didn’t have to stay so close to him, but if you want to be covered fully from the rain, you sort of have to get closer to him, your head brushing against his shoulder due to your almost embarrassing height difference and your feet almost tripping over his. You both remain silent, with only the sound of the rain pelting against the umbrella to keep you company.

You eventually reach the west corridor, and he’s quickly stepping away from you and wrapping up the umbrella. You begin walking to go find your class, before you hear his voice call after you.

“No ‘thank you’ or anything?” He asks. You turn around and groan internally. “...Thank you.” You respond, very reluctantly and quietly. “You’re welcome,” He smiles sarcastically and you roll your eyes before turning back around, quickening your pace to make it to your class on time.

A week later, your first calculus assessment of the year is already upon you. It doesn’t help that you share that class, of all classes, with Farleigh. Math has always been your most difficult subject. You’ve never been quick to understand it, it never comes naturally for you. But if you put in the time and work, you can make it seem like it’s effortless.

Apparently for Farleigh, it is effortless. He makes it clear that he never studies for tests or quizzes. While it infuriates you, you also find it hard to believe. How can he ace everything when he claims he doesn’t even try?

You sit down at your desk, fishing your pencil and calculator out from your bag. You nervously chew on the eraser, waiting for the papers to be passed out.

“First assessment of the year, good luck everyone. If you fail, there will be no corrections, so hopefully that makes you feel better,” Mr. Bailey says as he passes out the tests. His sarcasm somehow only makes the situation worse. You spent hours studying for this last evening, although he claimed this was all ‘mostly a review’ from your precalculus class last year. Right. Review. You should know this stuff by now.

As soon as the paper is on your desk, you begin working, starting with the problems you know how to solve. You get in that zone, completely unbothered by your surroundings or any distractions, just working, switching between writing down numbers and formulas to typing into the calculator.

You get stumped on a question and glance up to check the time. Your eyes wander from the clock over to Farleigh, who seems completely relaxed, one hand running through his hair and fiddling with his dark curls and the other working a problem out.

“Eyes on your own tests, please,” Mr. Bailey sternly calls out. Your eyes dart over to him, where he sits behind his desk, his gaze directly upon you. Fuck. Now he’s going to think you were cheating. But what were you actually doing? Staring at Farleigh? No. You were just… observing. You go back to your test, flipping the paper over to start the graphing section.

“That’s time. Pencils down, I’ll come by to pick up your papers.” Mr. Bailey announces, standing up and starting down the rows of desks and picking up everyone’s tests. He says something to Farleigh but you can’t make it out, but you see Farleigh grin. It seems that Mr. Bailey has already chosen his favorite student. You never even stood a chance.

Once he makes it to your row and picks up your test, you begin to pack up your things. “I’ll have these graded by tomorrow. Please don’t complain to me if you fail. That’s on you.” You scoff quietly at your teacher’s harsh remarks as you make your way to the door. Thank God that was your last class of the day. Now you can head back to your dorm.

Farleigh falls into step next to you. “So, how’d that go for you?” You stare straight ahead, focusing on the path ahead of you. “Good. Honestly, it was easier than I expected.” You reply. It’s half truth. It was slightly easier than you were preparing yourself for, but you usually prepare yourself for the worst. But you can’t let him know that you still struggled.

“Really. Hmm,” He hums, and you glare up at him. “What?” You study his expression. He must think you’re lying, based on his little smirk and raised eyebrows. “Nothing. It’s just… we both know math is not your strong suit,” He pauses and you stop next to him. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be good at it.” You scowl up at him and he just grins.

“Unlike you, I actually study.” You continue walking, hoping he’ll leave you alone, but he follows you. “Aw, you actually need to study? Sad.” He pouts and you actually feel the urge to strangle him.

You turn around abruptly and he stops in his tracks. “Alright. Lovely talking with you. Bye!” You wave with a fake smile. Farleigh looks a bit surprised by your reaction. There’s only so much of his insults you can take.

“Bye,” He quietly mutters as you turn back around, walking quicker and more determined, putting some confidence into your step.

You groan and flop onto your bed once you enter your dorm. Suddenly, you realize how sleepy you are as your eyelids feel heavy You cover your face with a pillow and sigh, wishing you could rest. It sounds wonderful. But you have work to do. Reading, studying, the list goes on.

You chose this boarding school because you heard it was most similar to the Oxford experience, campus wise. It was also named the most prestigious secondary school in London. You often become very homesick, though, and you long for the comfort of your parents and your real home. At least it’s preparing you for university.

You groan once again into the pillow before sitting up and pushing the idea of sleep away. It’s time to get to work.

The next day, you wait to get your calculus test back. Mr. Bailey is handing them out while you overthink and prepare yourself for a failing grade. What would you do if you actually failed? You think you would rather be pushed off of a tall building than receive an F on a test.

Suddenly, a paper lands on your desk. You quickly glance down and see ‘97.5’ written in red ink at the top of the paper. Your eyes widen and you feel relief wash over you. Thank the Lord. You grin and pick up your test, inspecting it closer and going over your errors.

You hear someone coming up behind you. You quickly flip your paper over, hiding the grade from whoever is lurking over your shoulder. But it’s too late.

“Not bad…” A deep, American voice chuckles quietly. You turn around in your chair, and to no surprise, Farleigh is standing there with his arms crossed. He’s already seen your grade.

“Stop looking at my grades,” You hiss. “Relax, I was just curious.” He smirks at your frustration and holds up his own test. You see a ‘98’ scrawled up at the top along with a ‘good job’ next to it. You huff in response, turning back around.

“That’s not even much better than mine,” You mutter. “What’s that?” He asks, leaning over your shoulder, his breath ghosting over your neck. You shiver and remain silent, unable to repeat yourself for some reason.

“Sorry, who got the better grade?” Farleigh questions, his voice lowered. You let out a small sigh, ready to admit your defeat. “You.” You reply quietly.

“Right.” And then he’s gone, probably heading back to his own desk. What a bitch. You roll your eyes and pinch the space between your eyes, shaking your head. Yeah, he got .5 more points than you, and it doesn’t seem like much. But for Farleigh, it’s a huge win. But you’ll get him back. You always do. And you’re going to be the one who makes it into Oxford, you are sure of it.

#farleigh start #farleigh start x reader #farleigh x reader #farleigh x you #farleigh saltburn #saltburn #dark academia #academic rivals

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blicketdabest33 · 11 months ago

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Y'all remember that MCYT PJO au I asked for help with awhile ago? WELL HERE'S THE CABINS AND MY EXPLINATIONS BEHIND THEM!!

#1 Zeus Cabin: Jimmy, Joel Jimmy: He's a Zeus kid, but everyone somehow forgets about it. Joel: He's competitive and strong. Also, because Jimmy is his half brother through godly parent, i get to make a fun bit about him dating Lizzie. And one of his origins in Afterlife SMP was a thunderborn

#2 Hera Cabin: Scott Scott: Scott's whole thing is loyalty. Hera is the goddess of marriage and is insanely loyal to Zeus. However, I feel like Hera should get at least one affair. So now Scott can use peacocks as weapons.

#3 Poseidon Cabin: Skizz Skizz: Poseidon kids tend to be really, really loyal to a fault and heroic, both qualities I think Skizz possesses.

#4 Demeter Cabin: Sausage, Shelby, Bdubs, Stress Sausage: This man built Sanctuary in a jungle and has flowers in his hair. He sells wood. There is no other place to put him. Shelby: Mushroom gnome, spooky mangrove witch, powerful storm witch, i need not continue. Bdubs: Moss man. Stress: SHE HAS FLOWERS

#5 Ares Cabin: Martyn, False Martyn: His planet is Mars, which is the roman version of Ares. He ended Limited Life in such a violent way, i can't help it. He was also red for the majority of Secret Life. False: I just feel like False should get to kill people more often.

#6 Athena Cabin: Grian, Pix, Owen, Xisuma Grian: This sums it up pretty well

Pix: Smart man. Archeologist and definitely a nerd. I wanna see him skipping out on training just so he can read history books. Owen: He likes to explore and discover new things in Pirates. In Rats, he's a tinkerer. In New Life, he's an explorer who wants to study hybrids. In Empires, he's a Llama who's curious about how humans work. Just a very curious character overall. Xisuma: Admin. I'm not elaborating.

#7 Apollo Cabin: Gem, Oli, Lyarrah Gem: She is an Apollo kid because of her Empire in S2. She's the sunlight princess. Apollo kid. Oli: MUSIC. MAN. Lyarrah: She writes the captions for the hermitcraft recap.

#8 Artemis Cabin: Pearl Pearl: Y'know, Artemis could've just like... had a kid, even though she took that oath. It wouldn't even have to be with a guy. Gods can change to whatever gender they want. Anyway, Pearl gets to be an Artemis kid because her symbolism is moon, she loves dogs, and will commit murder and hunt at night.

#9 Hephaestus Cabin: Doc, Mumbo, Tango, Impulse, Cub, Zedaph, Fwhip, Iskall Doc: Redstone Mumbo: Redstone Tango: Redstone Impulse: Redstone Cub: Redstone Zedaph: Redstone Fwhip: Redstone AND has a red scarf (don't ask me how that's relevant) Iskall: Redstone

#10 Aphrodite Cabin: Keralis Keralis: Okay, I don't know why, but Keralis gives me the vibes of a very charming person. His voice is nice to listen to, so imagine how useful it'd be if I gave him charm speak.

#11 Hermes Cabin: Scar, Etho, Joe Scar: Trader Scar, scammer extraordinar. Etho: All i must say is Shady-E's. I get "jack-of-all-trades, master of none, often better than master of one" vibes from him. He's funny, he's mischievous, it just works. Joe: Comedy man. Excellent delivery. And, yet again, i look at this man and go "That right there is a multi-talented man with a habit for mischief."

#12 Dionysus Cabin: Joey, Beef Joey: *points at his season one empires theme* i need not say more Beef: Idk, food. I don't really have a reason. I don't know too much about Beef.

#13 Hades Cabin: Zloy Zloy: Zombie man. He writes the Hermitcraft recaps in the dark at 2am with nothing but pure spite.

#14 Iris Cabin: Katherine Katherine: SHE. HAS. COLORS. and also I couldn't put her in Demeter cabin because Shelby is already there and i am NOT excluding Nature Wives from this au

#15 Hypnos Cabin: Bigb, XB, Wels Bigb: Sleepy stuff, right? WRONG. Gaslight. Go in everyones dreams, make fake prophecies, peace out, and cause chaos. XB: I look at his fanon design, I see an alien, and I go "aha he sleeps" Wels: This guy (@dingdinghq) said so and i completely agree. Something about sleeping in S6.

#16 Nemesis Cabin: Edit: wels not here no more

#17 Nike Cabin: Ren Ren: VICTORY. I don't know much about Ren's story in the Life Series, but I look at this man and see someone who has won a lot.

#18 Hebe Cabin:

#19 Tyche Cabin: TFC TFC: Man goes mining and gets really lucky. That's it.

#20 Hecate Cabin: Lizzie, Cleo, Jevin Lizzie: Witchy vibes. Also, Arson. Cleo: Arson. She uses her magic for Arson. Jevin: He's a magic slime. Also, Arson. All Hecate kids love Arson.

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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 1 year ago

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Don't Speak 22

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, stalking, manipulation, reclusive behaviour, disordered eating, dissociation, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Reader is a reclusive loner who ventures down to the library on a simple mission. Her task is complicated by the man she meets there. (f!short!reader)

Character: librarian!Andy Barber

Note: So Tuesday was a mess.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

Dr. Kemp leans forward, elbows on his knees as he watches you. Patient, intent, he listens without distraction to every word you say. His attention is almost eerie but only because you’re not used to it. He hangs off of every word.

“I don’t hate Amber,” you frown and hug your legs, only then realising how small you’ve made yourself in the chair, “I love her… I just don’t know if she ever loved me.”

He nods and sits up, dragging his fingers down his chin as he props an elbow on the armrest. He presses his finger against his mouth as he hums thoughtfully. He drops his hand and smiles.

“Are you worried about if she loves you or… are you afraid that you don’t deserve her love? Or anyone’s?” He prompts gently.

You bit down on your tongue. You lower your chin as you think. Your heart plummets deep as your skin tingles hotly.

“Both,” you admit.

“It’s like I said, sweetheart, you have to love yourself first. Then you will see how others can love you,” he drapes one leg over the other, “but we should unpack your relationship with your sister a bit further. We can’t do all that today, but we can start.”

You nod and cup your chin. You make yourself sit up and look at him. You push your feet over the edge and straighten your back.

“Codependency. It’s very toxic. Amber has her flaws, as we all do. What you’ve pointed out about her isn’t out of the question but I don’t know her, I can’t diagnose her. But I can help you draw boundaries and make sense of things,” he explains, “you feel that you were a burden, that you were entirely helpless without her. Did you ever consider she felt the same way? That she attached herself to you because otherwise, she felt useless.”

You look above him and examine the curtain. That’s easier than looking him in the face. You put your hands in your lap and wring them tightly. No, you never thought of it that way because that can’t be true.

“Why… why would she feel like that? I give her nothing. I’m…”

“Now, let’s stop right there,” he raises a thick finger, “what did I say about talking about yourself? Be kind.”

“Yes, Doctor,” you murmur, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t owe me an apology, you owe yourself one.”

You bow your head guiltily. The more you talk to him, the more aware you are of all your bad habits. Isn’t this supposed to help you feel better? Not feel worse?

“It’s work, it hurts and then it feels good,” he says, “but the important thing is that you keep going. You keep the progress up, even if some days we don’t take a step forward, he have to keep looking ahead.” He lowers his hand over the end of the armrest, “I think this week you should write about Amber, try to get your thoughts out. Along with your other homework which is…”

You blink at him and give a dumb look. He smiles, “be nice to you. I want you to write down everything you do all week to that end. Baths, moisturising, reading a book, sketching something, anything that makes you happy.”

“Okay,” you grip your knees, slowly trailing your hands up to tug down the pleats of your skirt. You’re not used to it, you almost forgot you were wearing the thing, “I’ll try.”

“You’ll do great,” he encourages, “you already have done so much.”

🕊️

You're exhausted after the session. Almost despondent on the drive to Andy's as everything Steve said swirls in your mind. A thousand thoughts to add to your already overcrowded head.

"Honey," Andy's voice cuts through your trance, "are you okay?"

"Uh, I'm sorry," you say, stunned to find the car parked in front of his house, his eyes boring into you with concern, "yeah, I'm fine."

"Oh, you haven't said a word," he slides the keys free of the ignition, "and you weren't responding."

"No, no, it's... I was thinking."

"Ah," he nods, hesitating to get out of the car as he hovers his hand against the door, "about... did Steve say something?"

"Um, just about stuff," you reply evasively, "nothing big."

"Well, you now I'm always here for you, right? That you can talk to me too?"

You nod and fake a smile. He's nice and all but you can't tell him everything. You can't even tell Steve everything you put in your journal. Somethings are meant just for you.

"I know," you murmur, "is it alright if I lay down for a bit. I'm really tired out."

"Sure you can, dove," he reaches over you caress the crease of your skirt, "just for a little. You don't want to waste the day."

"I won't," you promise and pull the handle on your door.

You turn and hide your face from him. He's right but it still irks you. Sometimes he can be so bossy. You've done what he wants. You're doing the therapy, so why can't you have one day to just burrow away.

🕊️

You spend your time alone staring at the ceiling, all tied up with Andy’s suggestion. Don’t sleep the day away. Sigh, now you can’t even close your eyes. You’re too worried about doing just that.

After a few hours, you give up, hoping to find some solace in a cup of tea. You can pop out and assure Andy that you’re awake. Maybe you should work on the painting. He must be getting impatient for that as well.

You pull on a loose wooly cardigan, the one with the patch sewn into it, and hide your clingy t-shirt beneath it. You come downstairs and pass the archway of the living room. The TV is lit up with the menu but Andy’s nowhere to be found.

You hear him. You go further down and peek into the kitchen. Something tinkles against porcelain as you watch him pour the contents of a bag into a bowl. There are several set out already, on a neat wooden tray with two glass bottles of soda.

“Um…” you step into the doorway. “I… was going to put the kettle on.”

He looks over at you and smiles. It’s only then you notice his clothing. A pair of thin plaid pajamas and a navy blue sweatshirt. He looks cozy. You’re not used to that. He’s all buttoned-up and tidy.

“Oh, sure,” he says, “I can get some tea out… but er,” he sets the bowl with the rest, “you kinda walked in on my surprise.”

“Surprise?” You wonder.

“Yeah, uh, I was thinking we could do a movie night. Your choice,” he presses closed the seal of the M&Ms bag and puts it at the back of the counter. “I got all these snacks and some soda if you like, but if you want tea instead–”

“Oh,” you bat your lashes.

“Oh?” He sounds nervous as he echoes your syllable.

“I… I wasn’t expecting this. I…” you fold your arms over your stomach, “you really… did all this?”

You tiptoe forward and raise your chin to see onto the tray. He grins proudly as you near and see the assortment of snacks; trail mix, chips, gummies, chocolate…

“Pretty simple but I figured maybe it would be fun.”

You suck your lower lip in and look up at him. His eyes are shining, almost hopeful. He did all this for you. He actually wants to spend time with you. He was even excited about it.

“It’s wonderful,” you say, “I hope… I hope you don’t think I’m ungrateful. Only surprised.”

“Of course, honey,” he slides the tray off the counter, “let me get this.”

He carries the spread across the kitchen and you trail him into the front room. You linger at the threshold as he sets down the snacks on the low coffee table. The room smells of raspberry. You hum at the scent and notice the candle already lit on the table. The lights are dim as the flame lends a flicker to the space.

“Like it?” Andy looks up at your audible sniff.

“Smells nice,” you assure him.

“Well? You gonna just stand there or find something to watch?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” you scurry over as he holds out the remote.

You sit on the couch and he drops down beside you. As you sit forward, he leans back, his arm stretched out behind you carelessly. You flick through the title cards of all the movies, intimidated by the endless selection.

“What kind of movies do you like?” You ask, almost embarrassed to choose one yourself.

“Whatever you like, dove,” he says.

It feels like the back of your shirt is moving, just along the bottom. The sensation is so light and you’re too nervous to look at Andy. You put your elbow on your knee and cup your chin. You guess it doesn’t really matter. You choose a title your recognise, not recalling what the movie is about.

“Don’t forget to dig in,” Andy sits up.

“Er, okay,” you put the remote down and take the bottle of soda. You read the label in the low light. It looks fancy. You try to twist the metal cap off but it threatens to cut into your hand. “Ow.”

“Here,” Andy reaches over, “let me.”

He grips the neck and pops off the metal lid with ease. He hands it back to you and takes his own. You thank him under your breath and hover your mouth over the top. You take a sip, the bubbles tickling your nose.

“Mmm,” you hide a cough at the carbonation, “ooh, pretzels.”

You reach for one of the twisted treats. He chuckles as the credits play and he takes a rippled chip. You bite into a pretzel and focus on the screen. He’s sitting so close. You glance over, there’s lots of couch free.

You nibble nervously as the opening scene plays. You focus on the dialogue, not quite picking up on everything. The movie’s much more serious than you expected. You finish a handful of the dry food and wash it down with soda before flopping back.

You squint at the screen and try to untangle the furling plot. It’s kind of boring. You hide a yawn in your cuff and keep your hand to your mouth. The scene shifts and suddenly a bed frame rocks, knocking against the wall as the camera pans down to reveal the two bodies writhing on the mattress.

Oh my! There’s always one of these scenes.

You fight not to close your eyes. You’re mortified as you stare wide-eyed, the room hotly silent except for the activity on screen. You can hear Andy’s breaths and your own. His foot moves as he adjusts his leg and you flinch, almost expecting him to move closer. No, why would he do that?

The scene finally ends. That was torture. Amber always lets you fast forward through those ones. You lean forward to hide your discomfort with another swig of soda. Andy clears his throat but doesn’t comment.

You munch on a mixture of sweet and salty, your stomach squirming. You’re just going to make yourself sick. You recline again, eyes burning and itchy as they threaten to close. No, you don’t want to upset Andy. You can’t fall asleep.

The man and woman argue in the street. You don’t know who would ever do that. Those sorts of conversations are better behind closed doors. You don’t really get relationships; they seem confusing and stressful.

You arch your back, stretching out a kink in your side and a snort from beside you makes you flinch. You don’t look over, not until it comes again. Andy’s shadow sits with its head back, nose to the ceiling as he snores. Oh no, he fell asleep first!

You’re almost happy it’s him. You were so afraid of doing so, fearing at how he might react. You just think it’s funny. This movie really is boring.

You giggle and call his name. He doesn’t react. You call again, “wake up.”

Still nothing. You chew your lip and raise a shaky hand. You touch his arm, poking him with two fingers. You repeat his name. He’s now waking up. You nudge him hard and he slips, first one way then back towards you. Before you can react, he folds over onto your lap.

His weight hits your legs and you squeak. You don’t think as you grab onto his shoulder and try to shake him. He’s so heavy! And big. The difference between you is obvious but even more in that moment. He is immovable, like a boulder crushing you.

“Andy,” you say, “please, wake up.”

He bends his arm and grips your knee, nestling in as he snorts deeper. He must be exhausted. He drove you all the way to therapy and then got all these snacks together for movie night. And now, he can’t even enjoy it. All for you. All his effort spoiled because of you.

You deflate and sink back into the cushions. You kick your legs and try to wiggle free of him. You can’t seem to get out. You surrender and look at the screen. You guess you’ll finish this darn movie.

#fic #don't speak #andy barber #dark andy barber #dark!andy barber #andy barber x reader #dark fic #dark!fic #au #library au #defending jacob #series

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rad-batson · 1 year ago

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THIS IS FOR FANS OF CASSANDRA CAIN! PLEASE READ! I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS

(skip to the bottom if you just want silly headcanons about her :D)

Hello! So first, I want to thank everyone who read the Wayne pilot I made :) I appreciate your feedback, and I love you all.

As I'm preparing to post it on AO3, I decided to make a few (admittedly small) changes to the script, primarily around Cassandra Cain, because I haven't quite fleshed her out yet.

I don't have much experience with writing Cass, so I decided to do a bit of research on her yesterday, and wouldn't you know? I fell in love. 10/10. She didn't play a huge part in the pilot, but she will have a bigger one in the second episode, and there are a few things I think can or should be added so she doesn't feel too one-note.

There wasn't anyone who told me this, by the way. (In fact, I actually got some nice comments about her so thank you.) I just had it in the back of my mind while writing, and now that Cass is getting more screen time, I'm finding that my lack of knowledge might lead to mischaracterization.

SO TO COMBAT THIS, I MADE A GUIDE FOR MYSELF ON HOW TO WRITE CASS

Is this overkill? Probably Think of it as a silly headcanon list for my version of her. And I'm posting it here because I want your feedback before it's set in stone. (I know Cass isn't written well a lot, so this is my attempt to right these horrid wrongs.)

If you're going to give criticism, please be constructive. Tell me what you like or don't like. I'm all ears. Have fun :)

Writing Cass

(Btw I still gotta read Cass’s first Batgirl run by Kelley Puckett)

Has some sass, has a lot actually

Used to be awkward in social settings. she’s better at it when she’s with people so she can match their energy but she still prefers to just dip

Speaks in short-ish sentences, trying her best tho

I WILL BE ADDING THIS INTO THE PILOT, I JUST WANT TO KNOW TO WHAT DEGREE?? OR IS IT REALLY FINE

Mostly just relies on body language though

I WILL BE ADDING THIS INTO THE PILOT TOO, ESPECIALLY WITH THE ASL SCENE (BUT IT’S NOT REPLACING THE ASL)

also yes i know her using ASL isn't canon, it just works best for the scene, it would have been written the same whether she was in it or not, it is still a cute nod to fanon tho

Steph and Cass are extremely close BUT ALSO HAVE SEPARATE LIVES (I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO STRESS THAT AND I AGREE)

Messy, low-key gross. Bad-ish hygiene but she’s good at looking put-together so only those close know this about her (this is just my headcanon)

Often forgets bigger words so she occasionally uses the wrong one, she ALSO mixes up proverbs but no one corrects her because 1: it’s cute and 2: they don’t want to discourage her from speaking with them more casually (also my headcanon)

Cass: So I pulled the door off its…*makes motion with hand*…metal books. Steph: Do you mean hinge— Cass: Metal books.

Dick: Well that was a surprise. I didn’t know The Penguin would be here. Cass, nodding: Well life gives you grapes Dick: Wut Cass: You make grape juice. Get on the same book, Nightwing

I'M ON THE FENCE ABOUT ADDING THIS ONE BECAUSE IDK LET ME KNOW PLEASE

Is a cinnamon bun AND a little shit, it’s a balancing act

Production: She’s Wayne’s darling Princess Cass: *will break your fingers*

She does appear behind the camera crew to scare them on purpose, she thinks it’s funny, she likes seeing them freak out

She is super competitive, but she's always like "Oh I'm not that competitive" *proceeds to be very competitive*

Because she isn't super confident in her writing or speaking (or just uncomfortable communicating without seeing the other person's body language) she prefers to Facetime or simply reply to texts with selfies of her reaction. It is a thing now. when you need an honest opinion about an outfit, text a photo to Cass. She will either give back a photo of a thumbs up or a photo of a grimace and some not-so-flattering emojis

Her princess persona is her public cover persona in this show, parallel to Bruce’s “Brucie” and Dick’s “born for the cameras” thing

Is surprisingly vocal (and sometimes snippy) about her distaste with things but she mostly gets a pass because her morals align best with Bruce’s

Is most snippy when her family uses methods other than violence when violence is clearly the faster option, god they're such pacifists

Tim: *trying carefully to pick a lock* Cass: Just break through the wall? Tim: We can’t do that. We’re trying not to be noticed. Cass: Wimp

Bruce: Cass, why did you have to dislocate that man’s shoulder? Cass: I put it back. Bruce: That’s not the point. Cass: Fine, I’ll dislocate it again.

Is the best fighter, none of this “oh she’s the best fighter so when people do win against her, it makes them look cooler” thing, shut tf up, she could break their bones (not important to the show ofc but I need to add this because it is important in general)

Horrible at drawing, wretched (again a headcanon but I did see someone else mention it somewhere)

Also bad at writing, refuses to study to improve out of principle (i.e. she told Babs she doesn’t need to and now she refuses to admit Babs was right)

(AND SIDE-HEADCANON IF SHE IS HORRIBLE AT WRITING AND ACTIVELY HATED STUDYING HER ALPHABET THEN WHAT IF LIKE ONE DAY SOMEONE SAYS “hey can you grab me one of these files from last week’s case, it’s under M” SHE’S LIKE “fuck you, how could you do this to me” WHILE SEARCHING FOR M OR MORE SIMPLY *throws something at them*)

That's all I have right now. If you'd like to give me any recommendations, please do. I can't promise I'll add in every single one because this show is still about the whole Batfam, not just her, but I want to do her justice, and that definitely involves more fine-tuning on my part

OKAY THAT'S ALL LOVE YOU BYE

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bubbles-for-all-of-us · 1 year ago

Note

Hi! I know the requests are closed, but for when you can take requests again, I would like if you could write as a kind of part two for "A second chance" Lucien's reaction when he meets his new little sister. I think it would be a very nice story. Thank you!

Couldn't hold myself back... This can be read as a standalone but the first part is here. 🥺✨

A second chance II

It ate at Helion for so long because he wanted to tell Lucien himself. Son or not. Father or not. The girl growing within you was his sister and Helion wasn't going to pretend that she was the only child. So he tried to invite Lucien over more than once, just the male had come up with every possible excuse to not come. So as the weeks went on Helion had just accepted that for now, this would have to be the way that it was and you tried to comfort your lover the best that you could but a thread of sadness lingered.

Your pregnancy stayed a secret for a couple of months. Helion was rather paranoid that someone might turn against him still. Especially with the new laws intertwining day and night courts. So it's a long way down the line when he's raising a glass at one of his big gatherings, hosting multiple courts. His speech is strong and captivating as always as he cheers to every high lord willing to create strong alliances. Until he's turning your way, a bright smile on his face, "And to my wife", he says, "Who's been carrying my babe for the past couple of months". You flash him a smile just a bright, hand instantly moving to rest on your tummy. Oh, how good if feel to need need to hold yourself back from running your fingers against your growing tummy. Loud applauses ring out and Helion's closest friends are there clapping his shoulders, laughter fills the room and it all finally starts to feel even more real. It's just the fact that Lucien's chair is now empty that makes your own heart sting a little.

And it's a couple of days later when the servant knocks gently on your office doors, pulling you away from some of the paperwork you agreed to cover for Helion. "My lady, you have a guest", your eyebrows knit together because you weren't waiting for anyone. Had your baby brain made you miss something? "What guests, Larry?", you say, scattering your meeting book, "Lucien Vanserra, my lady". Your body freezes. He never visits unless it was court-ordered.

Jumping right up you move out in the lower greeting hall that you assumed he would be waiting. And he is there. His deep red hair is such a contrast to the light interior. "Lucien", you call out softly and the male turns around quickly, nearly knocking the vase he was looking at over. He takes a steps forward and the guards instantly leap from their positions. But you lift your hand, "Out all of you", they all linger but the glare you send them is enough to make them think twice.

"My apologies", you say once again turning to Lucien, "Everyone's kind of protective", you chuckle slightly, watching Lucien's eyes fall onto your now round stomach. "Helion is a way for a couple more hours. If you'd like...", but Lucien is shaking his head. It was clear that whatever that's going on in his head had been clawing at him for some time. "Is it a boy...", he speaks up finally and you quickly shake your head, "No, a baby girl". Your hands caress the swell of your stomach and you can see the gleam that runs through Lucien's eyes.

"Are you safe? Is he not harming you?", the question feels so raw and you know those fears had been engraved there by no other than Beron. "Your father is excited to have a girl", you reassure him, "Should have seen him covered in pink paint yesterday". You chuckle under your breath slightly as the images of last night's nursery paint testing flowed into your head. You step closer to Lucien, reaching your hand out towards him, "You know Helion wanted to tell you in person but...", and he nods quickly, well aware that he was the one dismissing Helion's requests.

"I would love for her to have a brother", you mutter quietly, trying to keep your own emotions at bay, "or at least to tell her about you because you are family to us". Lucien sucks in a sharp breath. You can't imagine how hard it all must feel to him. Finding out that the monster torturing you had never even been your father.

The silence falls upon you both and you suddenly feel like you might have overstepped the boundaries. Until Lucien mutters quietly, "I would love to", he startles, "Love to be her brother". Your eyes softens, picking up with tears ever so slightly. You drew your hand closer to cup the younger male's face, his almost desperate eyes looking back at you.

"Give me your hand", you mumble, reaching out to Lucien till he slides his hand into yours. You quickly pressed his warm palm to the side of your stomach where you felt the light kick last. "That's your brother, stardust. The one Dad and I've been telling you about", Lucien lets out a surprised gasp when a tiny hand pushes against your skin. "She can recognize voices now so", Lucien is nodding desperately before saying, "Hey, little one. Sorry that I've been away but I'm here now... I'll protect you", that's enough to set the stream of tears flowing down your cheeks as you watch the two siblings interact. Once again feeling more than honored that you can bring a piece of true family into Lucien's life. "Stay for some tea", you ask the fireling softly and Lucien nods without a second thought.

And the surprise on Helion's face when he steps into the dining room. Fully prepared to bring a plate up for you to your chambers but instead he finds you and Lucien deeply lost in a conversation. And now he understands where all that extra love and happiness was coming from the bond. Lucien quickly stands up at the sight of Helion standing there but the high lord shakes his head, "There's no need for you to stand up, my boy". He catches your gleaming eyes, and his own heart leaps. "Lucien is staying for dinner", you say happily, to which Lucien throws you a genuine smile. Helion's heart nearly bursts because is this a step forward? Does it mean his son is willing to give him a chance? To give his family a chance? "Oh, and he doesn't agree with the guard placement", you mutter, making Lucien roll his eyes, "As eager as you to turn my home into a prison", you cross your arms over your chest playfully. Protective. Already so protective. "I'm more than happy to listen to his thoughts", Helion says and his eyes meet Lucien's. For the first time trying meets his son's gaze.

#second chance universe #helion x reader #helion imagine #helion x you #lucien x helion #lucien vanserra imagine #lucien x platonic!reader #acotar imagine #acotar x reader #acotar x you

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ivyblossom · 6 months ago

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I have been watching a tv show based on a set of books about a woman who goes back in time to 18th century Scotland and lives there for a while and has lots of sex (which she's very good at, btw, the text really wants to make sure I know that, she's SUPER good at sex), I'm sure you know the one I mean.

And my question is: is this writer whose name I am deliberately not typing into this post a narcissist? Because what is even going on with this story?

I realize I'm watching the tv show and not reading the books and surely that's different, but the whole universe of this story is warped around this woman and how amazing she is, and it just stinks of a personality disorder. It's not just that she's good at stuff or important in her own story, it's that everyone she meets is obsessed with her and follows the details of her life and thinks about her all the time, she is so important to everyone, no one else really has a life that doesn't have her as a focus. The belief that total strangers would take this much of an interest in your just smacks of narcissism to me.

And every damn character has a scene with her at some point where they're like, "Yes, I tried to fight you/hated you/wronged you, but it turns out, you were totally right the whole time and I trust you completely now and love you and you were the best thing that's ever happened to me, I die now." This main character would be sorted into Sparklypoo.

Everyone is super hot for her, everyone wants her advice, even her daughter is like, "omg you should totally abandon me now that I'm just barely a legal adult, you need to be with your hot Scottish man! Sure, the man I knew as much father recently died and you leaving would leave me 100% alone in the world, but WHO CARES? Go back in time to be with historical dude!" I...yike.

Then there's the guy who's like, yey, my dad just died, we are currently at his funeral, but you know what's really interesting? This woman and her daughter and their whole life story! I am really here just to serve their needs, I was getting bored at this funeral for my beloved father figure anyway, let's go focus on YOU, ladies!

It feels like the author has very strongly identified with her main character and everyone else are just functions to serve her. I know how fiction works, I know all characters are technically functions in service to the story, but I feel like a writer really shows their whole ass when they see other people as just sort of appendages that exist to support their self-insert character, with no inner worlds of their own. (Plotting against the main character is not an inner world of their own, no it is not!)

This story has all these weird conversations where people are making choices that make zero sense from their perspective, but they are great and meaningful from her main character's perspective, and that's all that matters, they just admire and respect that main character so so much that they will ignore their own will and their own life experiences and knowledge in favour of whatever she thinks and feels, and we're supposed to take this as normal or good somehow?

So...I have to ask. Has anyone met this writer? Is she a piece of shit? Is she actually a super nice lady? I just feel like you cannot be a super nice lady and write a story like this.

#sorry if you like this story I'm talking about and I'm offending you #I've just never seen a narrative that so clearly feels like the product of a narcissist before #Well except for Harry Potter

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l00na24 · 18 days ago

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Fates Edged On A Blade - Prologue Part One

A/N: Hello 🤗 This is my first time writing a fic for Bad Omens after a lot of thinking if I really should give it a chance and post this, so please bare with me as I will try to write them as best as I can 😅 Also English isn't my first language so please excuse any grammar or spelling errors.

I want to give a huge shoutout to @veronicaphoenix! Thanks to your incredible story I couldn't get samurai!Noah out of my head and wanted/ had to write my own story about him 😍❤️

Originally it was supposed to be one chapter but due to it getting too long for only one entire part, I decided to cut it into two. So the second half will be coming your way soon!

There's a part in here and in the next one that will probably not be everyone's cup of tea but even if it's not, please give the story a chance, as this is only the Prologue and the real story will begin in Chapter 1! 🙏❤️

I hope you enjoy reading! 💕

Warnings: fluff, some slight angst & sexual tension if you squint, mentions about the loss of parents, allusions to a forbidden relationship

Word Count: 10.8k

kami = japanese for 'gods'

The early morning sun rose on the horizon, its first rays stretching across the land we knew today as the deepest part of Asia and bathing everything in a golden glow.

It was in a day and age where myths and legends were real and not just some kind of fiction – but not everyone believed in it… brushing them of as ‘child fantasies’ or ‘old tales in books’.

Among these people was a 26 year old man, slicing his katana with deadly precision through the air, every of his moves a testament to his self-control and years of very hard, dedicated training. Which had earned him the highest rank in the emperor’s army and his rightful position as the best samurai he was known for in the entire realm.

He loved the quiet mornings, when it was just him alone on the training grounds or sometimes when he felt like it, a walk through the nature surrounding the castle - it helped to center himself and his thoughts. Especially on occasions like today, the princess’ birthday. He had to make sure everything was perfect.

But the universe would soon proof that some things were simply out of his control. He just didn’t know yet.

He was in the middle of doing a combination of slashes and swings with his long, razor-sharp sword when a soft gasp that would have been inaudible for anyone else, halted his movements instantly.

The tingling feeling in his body had already given away her presence long before she made the mistake of making a sound and revealing herself. He didn’t even need to look to know she was there but he wasn’t about to call her out on it.

But he couldn’t deny the curiosity building within him - How long had she exactly been here? What was she thinking seeing him like this? Why was she even here this early?

“Haven’t I taught you to not expose yourself to the enemy, princess?” His deep voice rang across the training ground loud and clear in a chiding manner, yet with a playful edge. Naked, fully tattooed back still facing her and on full display for her eyes to explore every inch.

There was a moment of silence, not in an uncomfortable way, but laden with curiosity and anticipation.

“And haven’t I told you to not call me that… Noah?” Her words brought a small smile to his face. The way she tried to hide that she had been caught, tried to hide the slight wavering of her delicate voice from him when she wanted to sound accusatory instead. These little actions made her all the more cuter for him. Not that he would ever let her know. But he would allow himself to bath in this moment for now while it lasted. Letting those butterflies go wild for a second who seemed to have manifested themselves in his belly for a while.

“And… you know- it’s not nice to watch someone without their knowledge.” Noah replied unbothered, completely ignoring what she said but still keeping his playful tone.

“I wasn’t watching you!” She had come out of her previous hiding place to face him, arms propped up on both sides of her waist in defiance. Now that he had detected her it was useless anyways. It was a stupid idea to begin with. But she wouldn’t let him see that.

“Whatever you say, Y/N.” His chuckle erupting goosebumps on her skin. She could never get enough of hearing him laugh, just like his voice in general.

Noah lowered his katana and loosened his stance, turning around to her fully. His auburn eyes locking on her instantly, not missing the way hers widened for a moment at the sight of him and his exposed upper body before averting them up quickly to meet his.

“You… uhm… You cut your hair…” Her observation from before left her in a breathless whisper, trying not to stutter and giving away how she felt about his new style. She didn’t think her heart could beat faster but right now it was racing and a fire was spreading through her that made it harder and harder to not crumble under his gaze.

“Oh, yeah… They got kind of annoying and I felt like I needed a change, so I decided to cut them. Do you… like it?” It sounded almost a little bit shy how it came out and he was internally already chastising himself. He didn’t want her to know how nervous he really was about the topic and what her answer would be. Looking at it, it was actually pathetic for him to even be nervous about something so insignificant. He was a samurai, he shouldn’t care about any of this. And yet he couldn’t help himself.

Y/N felt even more heat rushing to her cheeks from following Noah’s movements. How he expertly sheathed his katana without needing to look, to then rub up and down the back of his also tattooed neck with his other hand. He unconsciously did the one thing always making her weak to the knees. If Noah only had a clue how he looked like this, especially now with the short hair of his it was a whole different thing. She was praying to every kami above that he couldn’t see how flustered he had made her with only his presence. How was she supposed to answer his question when he had literally stolen all air out of her lungs? Was there even a suitable answer that would do justice for what she got graced to witness this early morning?

Noah was always the confident one, no matter the situation but to see him getting all shy and nervous about such a little thing made her feel so many things and she wished she could treasure this precious moment between them forever, burn it into her memory so she would never forget. The way his cheeks dusted in a slight shade of pink, how the light of dawn hit him in every perfect angle and bathed him in an ethereal golden glow, looking like it created a halo around him and illuminating every little detail on his body from his eyes down to all the different, delicate pieces of art decorating his front and arms as well - like a painting with his entire body as canvas and so many different details you didn’t know where to look first but together they blended into a perfect picture. It was a sight to behold.

“Please be honest with me, did you like my long hair more?” He was fully aware of her stare but he brushed it off as a reaction because she had never seen him half naked before. Taking her hesitation as a bad sign.

“It’s… different. But I’m sure everyone loves it.” She answered carefully after finding her ability to speak again.

“So you don’t like them…” He concluded, his stomach twisting in an uncomfortable knot. Face falling slightly.

“I didn’t say that.” Y/N replied immediately, not wanting him to make a false assumption but leaving room for interpretation. Maybe a bit too quickly.

The words made his heart skip a beat and brought the smile back to his lips. It was all the confirmation he needed.

“I see… Would you tell me if I asked nicely, my princess?” She would literally do anything he said without question, he wouldn’t even have to ask. He wanted her to fall on her knees and pray to him like he was the only god in existence? Yes. Yes, she would in an instant. She would even scream his name over and over to the heavens and for everyone else to hear if that’s what he wanted. But that was a secret she would take with her to the grave.

Noah’s gaze seemed to intensify and Y/N had to swallow a lump in her throat, shifting a little in her position. Clearly caught off-guard by the sudden turn in their conversation and his attention on her, like a predator watching his prey just waiting for the right moment to strike. She could have sworn his eyes had darkened a tone too.

“I think you’ve already gotten your answer.” It took her a lot of effort to keep her voice steady. She could feel a tension growing between them and she was sure it wasn’t lost on Noah. He was too smart to not notice with his senses sharp like his blade he carried with him all the time.

“I guess I did.” His tone was deep, not revealing any emotion behind it. But if his widening smirk was any indicator, he had what he wanted.

With a few strides thanks to his long legs, he crossed the distance between them, coming to a stand and towering over her with his height. Everyone else would have been intimidated in Y/N’s position with the most feared samurai right in front of them but Y/N’s heart beat only wilder in her chest at their proximity. She could feel the heat radiating off his smooth skin.

“But I have to apologize,” He spoke up again. “I haven’t congratulated m- the birthday girl yet.”

Noah hoped she hadn’t noticed his little slip up and observed closely how the expression of her face went from confusion to realization. For not a mere second, he was sure, something else had been there in between. He just couldn’t digest what it was because it was gone before he had a real chance to figure it out. God, what he would give to look into her thoughts right now.

Y/N was sure she stopped breathing when Noah went the rest of the way and hugged her. Breathing out a soft “Happy Birthday, Y/N.” and reveling in the feeling of her small body against his. She equally enjoyed how his strong arms were holding her and how perfectly she fit against him.

“Thank you. And don’t you dare apologize. You know you don’t have to do this.” Her soft chuckle was music to his ears.

“But I want to.” Despite not wanting to end their embrace and letting go of her, he retreated himself a bit after a few moments of them just holding each other so he could look into her beautiful, sparkling eyes again that always captivated him when he looked at her. Wanting to show her the honesty behind his words even if both of them already had known that she knew.

They were only inches apart, eyes glued to each other for a long moment before Noah worked up the courage to cross the dangerous line which always had been between them. Between two friends who grew and were raised alongside each other but different as day and night.

The emperor had raised him like his own son even if he wasn’t but he saw the potential in him to become the greatest samurai the entire realm had ever seen the day he met him as a young boy that had lost his parents. It was enough for Y/N’s father to take Noah under his wing and teach him the way of the samurai – Bushido, so one day he could step into the emperor’s footsteps; not so much as a ruler but as a warrior everyone would treat like he was a born king too and would fear when they even heard of his name. On the battlefield or not.

He was a weapon, sharpened to perfection and trained to cut out the deceases of their land without mercy and without question. It included those, who claimed to have committed their actions because of a ‘god’ they believed in or a long forgotten ‘myth’ whose knowledge was actually forbidden. The emperor himself made sure to drill this way – his way - of thinking over the course of Noah’s young adulthood in the boy’s head.

Telling him “There are no gods, Noah. All these myths they are talking about are only made-up child stories who never existed and their so called ‘legends’ are just another form of their lies. Don’t believe those lost souls, my child.”

When he was old enough and became a samurai, his codex left no room but to swear strict loyalty to the crown and so he never questioned anything the emperor said like he really would have been his son by blood.

Y/N on the other hand was raised by her mother, the empress. The kind woman allowed her to explore everything she wanted freely, to build herself her own picture of things and have an open mind for everything around her – much to the dismay of her father, who wanted to raise her like Noah and shape both of their worlds like his. But Y/N’s curiosity and good heart won over her father’s will and her mother did her best to support her, making her the princess she was today.

The same girl that stood before the six foot three tall samurai she knew from a young age who had always been her best friend and she trusted with her life despite knowing what he was capable of and how much death he could bring if he wanted to. There was never a single moment where she was afraid of him because she knew, no matter what, before he would hurt her, he would rather hurt himself or worse. He would absolutely NEVER ever raise a hand against her or would get violent. Noah would never forgive himself if he would hurt even a tiny hair on her body.

She was there from the beginning, had been the center of his world ever since and at the same time his anker he could pull himself to if he needed. So the closeness between them wasn’t as much of a problem and it didn’t matter if they were seen together a lot of the time when Noah wasn’t away to whatever place Y/N’s father had sent him to carry out his will. At least as long as they didn’t do anything inappropriate according to their tight friendship.

Like Noah was about to.

Very slowly and so careful Y/N had never seen him before, he inched closer and closer to her face, giving her enough time to pull away if she didn’t want this but he couldn’t resist any longer. He wanted to taste her lips so badly, wanted to know if they felt as perfect as he had imagined them so many nights. Next to other way more sinful things he wished he could do, things he would get killed for if they were caught. But he didn’t know any better way to die.

And if she felt even the slightest bit like him, then he would gladly take that risk as long as he could. Y/N was the only person he would make an exception for when it came to the codex he swore to live by. She was more important than everything else, hell, even more than his own life and anyone that dared to lay a hand on her or treated her the wrong way would pay with his life. He would personally make sure of that.

He kept his onyx eyes fixated on hers until their foreheads lightly touched, looking for any sign of uncertainty but when he found none after a second of intensely observing her, Noah allowed himself to close his eyes and let their heads rest against each other. A faint sigh filling the silence between them. Both of their hearts literally beating out of their chests at the small contact they shared.

Neither of them cared how long they were standing like this, the outside world having faded away, leaving them in their own where only they existed.

Y/N felt Noah’s heavy breath on her face and she was wondering how much restraint it cost him to hold himself back like this. But on the other hand his self-control and patience was something else and she knew better than to question it now. He could wait a lifetime if he needed and it wouldn’t bother him. So she took matters into her own hands and decided to make the next tiny step forward, not sure when or if Noah would do it. Slightly opening her eyes while she stood a bit on her tiptoes to even out their height a little and brushing her nose against his. Soft chuckles escaping both of them at the action.

Their mouths were so close now, breathing in the air trapped between them and almost feeling the lips of the other. The morning sun in the background casting an array of gold, pink, orange and a tiny pinch of purple and blue on them to pay tribute to the sacred moment unfolding with her as a silent witness.

Noah’s patience was running out – as much as control he possessed – but he couldn’t wait any longer, more than ready to break the invisible boundary before them. He didn’t care for the consequences in this very moment. What would happen if they were caught. What it meant for both of them.

Neither paid Y/N any thought to it as she was eagerly waiting for Noah to give her what she had been craving for such a long time that these seconds felt like pure torture he was putting her through right now. Couldn’t he see she was suffocating without him? That she needed him to breathe?

It was like the world was holding its breath, slowing time to a standstill only for them.

Leaning his head slightly to get a better angle to kiss her while she mirrored him, he willed every ounce of his last self-control he had left to last only for this moment so he wouldn’t hungrily devour her right here. Fuck, nothing had ever been so hard than these few grueling seconds with an anticipation nearly making him explode.

Right when Noah wanted to relieve them, their lips practically touching but still this damned last little inch away, a voice suddenly sliced through the silence. Bursting their bubble instantly and suffocating both, swallowing all emotions which had just been there with it.

“Princess Y/N! I’m surprised to see you up already this early in the morning!” Out of all people in the castle it had to be the one person who shouldn’t have been there.

The emperor’s advisor. Yuan.

A man in his 40’s with short, dark grey hair and a heart of stone. Y/N liked to compare him to the snake tattooed on the front of Noah’s throat. She was convinced if he wasn’t a human he would have been one instead. At least she could practically hear the venom coating his words every time he opened his mouth and every time she secretly hoped he would suffocate on it.

“Fuck!” Noah let out silently and whipped abruptly his head away and took a step back, hastily looking for his black top laying forgotten somewhere on the ground. Praying internally that they hadn’t been caught. Especially by this peace of shit of a man. He hated him with every fiber of his being just like Y/N because this man seemed to hate her equally, trying to point out her flaws or mistakes she made in front of the emperor, or just to make her look bad in general in the eyes of her father, only because she was different and with a heart of gold, he had sworn to himself he would protect with his life, even from her father if he had to. For Noah she was perfect, there wasn’t a simple thing he would change about her and even if there would be, he wouldn’t care. It wouldn’t change his feelings for her. Or so he had thought…

“Advisor! I didn’t expect your presence at this time either.” The princess turned around to him with a fake smile on her face, not allowing herself one last glance at Noah in fear of revealing what nearly had taken place before he had to destroy everything. Just like he always did.

“What a coincidence! You have to forgive me my surprise to see you also have company.” He faked a laugh, examining the princess and the samurai like a hawk for anything suspicious. Not hiding the distaste when his eyes roamed over Noah’s tattoos on his bare arms before they landed back on Y/N.

“I asked Noah to take a walk with me when I met him here because I couldn’t sleep. It seems like we had the same problem.” Y/N pressed out as nicely as she could, still trying desperately to calm her racing pulse. It was half the truth but he didn’t need to know which part. It wasn’t his concern anyway.

The looming presence of Noah’s tall frame behind her didn’t help the situation, his body heat still radiating off him in waves even through his clothes he had managed to put back on in time and she was sure he was struggling with containing himself to not make a mistake he’d regret later.

“I see. But I have to disagree, you know I always do my morning walk. I simply decided to go earlier since I was already awake. It’s good to have your eyes and ears everywhere, you never know where the enemy could be lurking. And we don’t want anyone to ruin the princess’ birthday now, do we? I’m guessing that is the reason you couldn’t sleep?” The man stood there like he was the emperor himself, still eyeing the two up and down and if Noah wouldn’t have been there, Y/N would have felt intimidated by how his icy blue eyes were boring into her.

“How mindful of you. My father can truly consider himself lucky to have someone like you as his advisor.” She answered back, not meaning a word coming out of her mouth. Then turning halfway in Noah’s direction who had been standing still like a statue the entire time behind her like the protector he had sworn to be for her, giving him a court nod to signal him it was their time to leave which he instantly responded to as if he had been waiting like a guard dog for his next command.

“It was nice meeting you, but I’m afraid we have to take our leave as the princess wants to lay back down and get some more rest so she is ready for today.” Noah spoke up, no emotion in his face or voice but his dark eyes fixated on the man opposite him, battling with the desire to slice his katana over the man’s throat or cut off his head altogether to finally get rid of him.

Even if him and Y/N hadn’t any physical contact, he still had felt how uncomfortable this man had made her feel by just looking at her. Enough reason for Noah of wanting to do something about it. But of course this snake stood in the emperor’s favor and so he was unable to do anything if he didn’t want to end up dead or wanted to damage his reputation.

One day he would make a mistake and until then he would patiently wait like a hunter for his prey and when the right moment came, he would strike and he would savor every second he would get with him. There would be no mercy. Just like this man didn’t know any mercy for anyone else.

“Of course, nothing would be further from my mind than to keep the princess from her sleep. Have a good rest, princess Y/N.” The emperor’s advisor bowed formally which she answered with an acknowledging nod in his direction before she and Noah started moving. Motioning for her with his inked hand to walk in front of him while he took a long, dark glance behind them, still eyeing the figure of the emperor’s advisor wearily walking in the opposite direction until he was out of his sight.

He felt his boiling anger slowly subsiding with every step he took, all his senses hyper fixating on the person walking right in front of him whose presence was calming him down. But not the wildfire which was still burning inside of him and he was sure he wasn’t the only one feeling this way.

Later in the evening…

Y/N

Safe to say I didn’t get any sleep at all after what had happened in the morning. The memory of it still vivid and fresh in my mind like it just had taken place, the moment between Noah and me on constant repeat.

I’ve sat in my chambers the whole day, ever since Noah had brought me back here. My head running in circles and my feet burning holes into the ground. We didn’t exchange a single word on the walk back but I felt his eyes literally burying into me. If he wouldn’t have been the most trusted person in my life I actually would have thought he was about to kill me.

When we had reached my rooms I blankly stared at the huge white doors decorated with golden, traditional, japanese ornaments lining their frames not knowing what to do. Noah had come to a stand behind me, way too close than he should. His uneven breath tickling the hairs on my neck and I swear I was about to faint if he kept going like this.

My hands were shaking as I reached for the doorknob, not from fear but from the unknown intensity between us. Trying to grip it hard enough so I wouldn’t slip before I somehow managed to push it open and willed my body to keep going.

I didn’t know what I expected to happen. Once we were in a safe place where he could literally do whatever he wanted to me without anyone’s notice.

“S-stay?” The word left my mouth unconsciously with a dangerous wavering in my voice, not yet daring a look behind me where I could still feel Noah’s presence that took up the entire space.

There was something akin to a faint, very low, dark chuckle penetrating the eerie silence between us, giving me goosebumps all over.

I was too caught up in the thrill and excitement of this new dynamic between us to notice he had moved in front of me. Only when he took a step towards me did I register his change in position and looked up to him with widening eyes. How did he get there so fast?

Noah had an ominous glint in his eyes, the usual warm brown in them having been almost swallowed whole by a sea of vast darkness. A promise to what was to come.

A shiver ran through me and when he took another step forward I instinctively responded with taking one back, my body moving on its own. The right corner of his mouth turning upwards at the motion. He was clearly enjoying this right now.

It went on until I had nowhere to go and he had backed me up against the wall next to the doors we had went through not a minute ago. Another thought hitting me when they appeared in the corner of my sight. When did he close them and why didn’t I notice it? But then, I hadn’t seen him walking around me either.

What then followed nearly had brought my heart to a complete standstill.

As soon as my back collided with the solid material behind me, his arms were to the left and right side of my head, positioning his large body as close as possible against my front and creating a wall to keep me trapped. I had to admit, it scared the shit out of me because I hadn’t expected him to do something like this but at the same time it sent something hot down my core.

Our eyes had stayed locked onto each other the entire time of our dance, not able to resist the magnetic pull and not wanting to either. I felt like I was exploring a whole new side of Noah no one had ever seen before, not even me. So many emotions swimming in the depths of his beautiful orbs and a vulnerability he had never exposed to anyone, allowing me a look into his soul at his true self. The man who had claimed my heart, who had become my biggest weakness. Noah was so much more for me than he thought he was.

Taking him in like this up close was still absolutely breathtaking, even if it couldn’t compare to before but I made sure I committed every little detail to my memory in case it was the only chance I got. His plump, rosy lips practically tempting me to kiss them, the curve of his nose, the perfect shape of his face with the sharp line of his cheekbones and his completely cut short, dark brown hair accentuating his face even more now. He was a walking sin. My sin.

There was a sense of déjà vu in how we stared at each other without the need to speak, our bodies doing it instead and I was kinda thankful for it because this man always made me speechless. Especially now.

I could feel it in every nerve when Noah decided to lean in and inch his way forward yet again but faster this time, the desire and hunger he couldn’t hold back anymore written all over him. The thread he had been hanging on about to snap together with his relentless self-control and I wasn’t going to make him wait any longer, lifting my chin to better meet him.

My breath caught in my throat when he was finally about to take what always had been his, ready to claim it as his own. Eyes closing and awaiting him eagerly to kiss me for the first time, letting me experience how he felt and tasted.

When his hot breath tickled my nose I knew he was right there but instead of joining our lips, I felt them on my forehead after another beat had passed by. Confused I opened my eyes and searched his, finding them already looking back at me with the same intensity then before. What was happening?

Before my mind could get consumed with a thousand questions about what was going on and why he didn’t do what we both clearly wanted, his deep voice sent me into a cathartic state.

“Tonight I’m all yours.”

And then he left.

Leaving behind a haunting sensation of his lips on my skin.

I don’t know how long I stood there blankly staring into nothing and not moving at all. It was like my body was stuck between shutting down and a paralysis taking over me, my brain having vanished together with him too. There were no thoughts, only pure emptiness – white noise.

I’m not sure if I had even felt my body at that point, I was just… there. Noah’s last words really starting to sink in only hours later when I was capable of functioning again.

Since then I had done nothing. The silence hanging heavy in my room like I was choked by a hand around my throat and I was at a point where I wanted to beg for someone to relieve me.

As if my silent prayers were heard, a knock caught my attention. The unexpected noise pulling me out of my head. It didn’t take long until my thoughts started racing again tho. What if it was Noah? Did he decide to come back?

My hopes were crushed as fast as they arose when someone else stepped in.

“I’m sorry I’m not the one you expected, my princess.”

“Hm?” I guess my neutral face wasn’t as convincing as I thought. “No, no. Just surprised to see you, is all.”

It was Ruen, my mother’s right hand and soldier, as well as one of the few people commanding my father’s army. Fully dressed in his usual full black armor with silver details on the front and along his shoulders together with his long cape around his back reaching to the ground. He was also a man of middle age around his 40’s with short, dark brown curls that were shaven at the sides and kept slightly longer at the front. He always was more of a father to me than my own.

“And I know when I’m not wanted.” He chuckled lightheartedly.

“Why are you here anyway?” I quickly changed the topic, meeting his kind, dark eyes.

“Your mother sent me. She wanted to make sure you’re alright but I’m mostly here to come and get you because your favorite part of the day is about to start.” At the information slight panic started to rise inside me. I had completely forgotten the time, still wearing the clothes from this morning and nowhere near ready to go.

“I won’t be ready in time…” I groaned, dragging my hands over my face.

“They are not gonna start without you, princess.”

“And father is gonna kill me if I’m late! Also stop being formal, there’s no need, Ruen.” Frantically I began to rush around, taking a first stop at my large wardrobe to comb through the variety of clothes until I found what I was searching for without losing too much time. It was a tradition by now that I always wore my special red kimono on this day, a birthday gift I had gotten from Noah years ago and ever since then I made sure to wear it every year.

The kimono was ‘special’ in the sense that it was not entirely traditional. The fabric was a bit wider, not as tight as it normally would be and also had a hood attached but it was still shaped like a normal one, at least till my waistline. Darker red flower designs made of little red and black crystals shining through the bright red color. The bottom half flaring out into various soft stripes, mixed with some other fabrics also accentuated with tiny red sequins running along them in a thin line. Underneath was a thin layer of a little bit see-through, pure red colored fabric to cover up my skin but you could also wear a hakama with it if you wanted.

“Let it be my and your mother’s problem. This is your special day and he’s not going to ruin it, Y/N. Also, can I help you with anything? Do you need me to get someone?” He waited patiently in the middle of the room, left hand comfortably resting on the sword attached to his side and looking in the direction I had just vanished into another room and making sure to speak louder so I could hear him.

“No, thanks. I think I got it.” I answered back while I got undressed and changed. “I really appreciate your help but we both know he doesn’t care. Father is only doing this because of me and I can be thankful he allows it even if he doesn’t like it. I don’t want to add to it.”

“You are like your mother.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.” I exhaled, walking back to him when I was fully changed and finished quickly braiding my hair.

“Y/N, don’t say something like this. It isn’t your fault he can’t see what a wonderful and talented daughter he has. I’ve seen how hard you’ve been training with Noah and the other boys and how much heart you put into everything you’re doing. He should be proud of you.” A scowl formed on Ruen’s face at my confession, coming towards me and laying his hands on my shoulders.

“Why can’t you be my father instead?” My arms reached around his middle, leaning myself into him and enjoying our embrace when he reciprocated the gesture.

“I’m always here if you need me.” His arms around my back tightened their hold on me, gently pressing me against his broad frame.

I couldn’t help but feel that our conversation was more than it let on, his words seeming to carry a deeper depth with them. It wasn’t a surprise, considering our familiar relationship because of my mother and him treating me like a father since I was a child, so I didn’t think too much into it.

“We should get going.” Ruen announced after a few beats had gone by, retreating from me and giving me a warm smile.

“Can we stop by the boys first?” I sheepishly questioned.

“I had a feeling you would ask. Come on then.” His smile spread into a knowing grin, gesturing with his head towards the door.

Not wasting any more time, we took off with Ruen leading the way and me following behind. A warm feeling starting to grow in my belly at the prospect of seeing Noah again but there was also a nervousness I couldn’t shake.

Leaving the huge castle behind us, towering high into the sky with its immaculate white walls and multiple black, triangle shaped rooftops layered above each other, we reached the larger section of the training grounds next to the one I had met Noah this morning.

This part of the castle was entirely for the soldiers, divided into two parts. The first one was mainly used to train their combat skills or practice fighting techniques. The second had been built for our horses which was the reason why it was bigger, so they had enough room for riding or training to use them in battle. However, some of us used it for something a little bit different… like today.

As we neared the place, I could make out multiple silhouettes moving around in different kinds of speed and in different directions. The volume of their voices and laugher filling the air and making a smile spread across my face.

Ruen opened the entrance to the fenced place shaped in a rectangular form to let me in first before he closed it behind him. Our arrival was spotted in a matter of seconds and I could see their heads turning in our direction one after the other before they came over.

“The princess is alive!” Nick shouted excitedly, throwing his arms up in the air when he galloped towards me with his chestnut colored horse before he abruptly stopped a few feet away.

“What do you mean?” I nervously laughed at his comment.

“We thought we wouldn’t see you at all today.” Jolly answered for him, positioning his dark brown horse on Nick’s right side when he had reached us.

“They’ve been practically talking about nothing else. And happy birthday, Y/N.” Nicholas was the third one to arrive, taking the empty spot on the other side of Nick. His horse a shade darker than Jolly’s and built a bit stronger.

“Yeah, happy birthday to our beloved princess Y/N!” Nick chimed in and everyone around me joined his words.

“You are ridiculous but thank you.” The nervousness increased slightly when I heard they had been thinking about me being gone all day. It should have been obvious they would wonder about the reason because it wasn’t my usual behavior to not show myself or stop by them at least once. At the same time my attention was drawn to the absence of the last person from our little friend group.

“Where’s Noah?”

I was sure I had counted four people when we approached but now I couldn’t see him, trying to look past them but finding nothing but empty space. A pit starting to form in my stomach when there was no trace of him. Was he avoiding me? He must have noticed us…

“You should be careful with him. He’s in a weird mood today.” Nicholas’ voice brought me back, making my eyebrows knit together in confusion about the more serious tone and expression overtaking him when he looked at me.

“Weird mood?” I repeated surprised and tried to hide the spike of anxiety. Did he regret what happened? Had we really been caught?

“He made us go through our parts at least a hundred times today!” Nick grumbled beside his friend.

“He’s a perfectionist. He just wants everything to go as planned.” I retorted, stating the obvious. It wasn’t unnatural for Noah. Whatever he did, he always wanted it to be perfect and worked so hard until he was satisfied with the result, mostly overdoing himself. But he was too stubborn to admit that to himself. Maybe he got too much into his head and was overthinking the performance they were about to show and I was worrying for no reason.

“If you wanna try your luck, he’s back there.” Jolly pointed over his shoulder and whipped his head to the place in the back hidden behind them.

“He won’t bite my head off.” I let out with a scoff, not letting it stop me to search for the lost samurai.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that!” Nick’s joke echoed behind me before I was out of reach, leaving me with an uncomfortable feeling.

Noah’s figure was shrouded by the dark of night like he belonged in it, a dangerous shadow lurking within, avoiding the faint glow of the torches having been lit around the grounds of the castle and instead staying in the safe embrace of the darkness surrounding him as if he was a bad omen.

The enigmatic aura in the air a warning for the personified death itself.

And I was willingly following his call, not scared to find my own end through his hands so if it was his will.

The nearer I came, the more the shadows engulfing him revealed to me and my pulse accelerated like it always did when we were together. Noah didn’t seem to be aware of me yet but you could easily be fooled. I had done this mistake and had fallen right into his trap without even knowing like he had wanted me to when I had thought he hadn’t noticed me secretly watching him train, standing there in the light of the morning sun as I walked by. His tall, dark appearance a stark contrast to the golden light spreading around him. Only noticing when it was already too late and he had me in his grip. The one I never wanted him to let go of.

I was about to announce myself before I hesitated last second, suddenly not so sure anymore if I should do it or not considering his friends’ warnings. Maybe he wanted to be alone and I should leave him be but I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to know if he was okay. If we were okay.

He walked another circle with his raven black horse when an almost shy “Hey.” left my lips. Something seemed to shift instantly in him and his head whipped around the moment I had dared to speak, halting his horse on the spot.

His eyes going wide while taking in my full appearance, roaming freely across my body and making me blush under his gaze what he thankfully couldn’t see – or so I prayed.

It looked like he took in his surroundings for the first time, scanning the environment to probably assure himself that we were on our own before he spoke.

“Hey.”

The softness his gorgeous voice carried made my insides melt and all the nervousness was gone right then and there. I felt so dumb in this moment, I shouldn’t have worried in the first place.

“For a second I thought you were ignoring me.” It was meant to tease him, having no doubt now that he didn’t do it on purpose. Keeping my tone light so he wouldn’t misunderstand but apparently he did.

“I would never ignore you!” Noah shot out right after, multiple emotions crossing his face, mostly surprise and was there fear for a blink of a second? Did I actually manage to make Noah nervous?

“The others would tend to disagree, I guess – not that I thought you would. They warned me about you.” I told him honestly.

“They’ve been pestering me the whole day…” He answered with a long sigh, looking into the distance at the mention of what seemed to be an uncomfortable topic for him, showing me a glimpse of his annoyance but swiftly covering it with changing the subject in his favor yet again. “By the way… you look absolutely beautiful, Y/N.”

I hated how easily he could distract me from the main topic and change what we were talking about from one second to the other so effortlessly. Taking control of the conversation and where it was going, not telling me what was bothering him.

“Are you okay?” Even though I was flattered by his compliment, my concern overshadowed the butterflies he had summoned. I didn’t like when he was hiding his emotions from me and wasn’t talking to me about what was going on inside him. It irritated me especially now, thinking we would be closer than we ever had been after what had happened between us. He knew fully well he could share all his secrets with me, could tell me everything that was on his mind and could be honest with me without having to fear I would tell anyone or judge him for his thoughts and on the opposite side I could rely on him the same. Yet there always was this little thing I was too scared to tell him in fear it would destroy the bond between us, that he wasn’t reciprocating what I felt for him – well, at least until he proved me utterly wrong this morning.

“Now, I am.” I could practically feel the warmth in Noah’s words, the smile forming on his face pulling me right into him and casting its spell over me. Damn him and his stupidly handsome look and this smile… He just got me right where he wanted… again.

“Do you… uh… want to go to the rest of the boys?” Smooth, very smooth, Y/N. Totally not embarrassing to turn into a stuttering mess with one look and a few words from him.

“If that’s the princess’ wish.” The way his eyes narrowed almost unnoticeably in the dark sent a shiver down my spine.

“No- I mean-…”

“You have to forgive me, it wasn’t my intention to make your highness all flustered.” The innocence he feigned was betrayed by the amusement and satisfaction he was radiating. His smile spreading into a mischievous grin about my struggle with the new direction he had chosen.

“Then stop treating me with title and all.” I directed a fake pout at him, refusing to feed his confidence even more than I already had and trying to keep our conversation neutral.

“How do you want me to treat you?” His voice went an octave lower, coming closer and staring down at me from the back of his horse which stood with its side right in front of me, making him look even taller.

“Noah…” It wasn’t making me uncomfortable what he said but I wasn’t sure if this was going too fast. I needed to get used to whatever this was now between us and the new side of Noah I hadn’t known before. The seriousness in my expression and in the way I emphasized his name a hint that I wanted to retreat to the comfort zone of his friends, even if I enjoyed being alone with him.

“It’s okay, there is no reason to get shy.” Noah’s features softened, another wave of warmth flooding me about his attentiveness and the ability to adjust to the slightest changes in my behavior. Giving me the reassurance I was safe with him.

A gloved hand in black stretched out to me, ready to take. “Do you want to come up here?” I contemplated my decision if I should walk or accept his offer. There wouldn’t be any harm if we were seen together on a horse – we had done it before – and if I had the opportunity to be close to him I wasn’t going to let it pass.

Without hesitation I took it, his large hand engulfing mine in a firm grip so I wouldn’t slip out while I was preparing to hoist myself up so he didn’t have to lift me up all by himself, even if he easily would have managed to do it. As soon as he got hold of my hand I felt a strong tug upwards, putting my other free hand on the horse’s back for support before I jumped and securely landed behind Noah without any effort thanks to his help.

“Thank you.”

“Everything for the birthday girl.”

I took hold of his middle even if I didn’t need to because we were going at a slow pace and I was skilled enough to ride without any hold on something, much like Noah, Nicholas, Jolly and Nick as it was part of what we were doing for years when we had some free time. But before Noah would get concerned about my safety – even if he knew he didn’t need to – or anyone else who might see us, I decided to do what I was supposed to do. And maybe because I liked feeling his trained, heated body and muscles contract underneath my hands through the black costume. I could have sworn I even felt him tense up at my touch.

We weren’t far away from the group when Noah decided to break the short silence that had settled over us.

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” He confessed, his voice guarded but laced with a slight nervousness and probably a hint of regret.

“You didn’t. You never make me uncomfortable, Noah.” I assured, wanting to ease his worry that he might have said something wrong or had gone too far. Taking me by surprise that he thought he could ever do such a thing. We were together since we were little kids after all and knew each other by heart. But he always tended to worry too much about me, thinking I wouldn’t notice when in fact I was doing the same.

The only response I got was a low hum before we joined the people waiting for us.

Nicholas made some space when he saw us approaching, greeting us with a grin. When we had taken the position next to him, I let go of Noah’s body and he gently helped me back down with one hand like before, making sure I wouldn’t fall until I landed safely on my feet next to him and his large stallion.

“You really managed to tame the beast, hm?” Nick stated in acknowledgement when he looked over to his friend.

“We were just talking.” I clarified, not understanding what he meant. Taking a short glance up to Noah curiously before it went back to Nick. They had yet to tell me what happened in the last hours because nothing they said made sense with how Noah was acting right now. Everything seemed normal like always, when you put certain things aside. Maybe he had just pressured himself too much about today, a knot forming at the thought in my stomach. I didn’t want him to put so much effort into something that wasn’t worth it in the end. It was only my birthday, nothing special and nothing I wanted to celebrate big but still these boys made it their mission to make this day something memorable every year. I could never thank them enough for everything they were doing for me. I wish I could.

“Whatever you did, it worked. He ain’t grumpy anymore.” Jolly commented amused at the visible lightened mood of his best friend.

“Told you we should have gotten Y/N here.” Nicholas said with a knowing look at the longhaired man to his right.

“I wasn’t grumpy.” Noah defended barely audible, talking more to himself. His brows furrowing and looking anywhere but us. He clearly didn’t like to be called out like this.

“Is the big, bad Noah Sebastian getting nervous? Or is it because of the beautiful lady next to you?” Nick’s words meant no harm, only wanting to make a little fun of him which was nothing new. “I swear, you’re getting more beautiful each year, Y/N.”

My whole body tensed when I could practically feel Noah’s aura darkening.

“Watch your tongue, Nick.” The brunette samurai almost growled and narrowed his eyes at him in a warning glare. Something cold and dangerous creeping in those usual warm, brown orbs and his entire demeanor was completely different from one moment to the other. Hostile even. He had never been like this towards his friends. What was going on with him? Was he jealous? No, he’s a samurai, Y/N. But he’s still Noah… Do you think he even knows or cares what that is?

“It’s alright, Noah.” I attempted to sooth him, not wanting it to escalate between the two because for some strange reason he wasn’t taking this as any kind of fun.

When nothing came in return - which I hoped was a good sign – I focused on the others who were a bit baffled about their friend’s unusual reaction. Impulsiveness was surely not one of his character traits, there was rarely anything that could made him snap or put his patience to a real test.

“I can give that compliment right back, you all look good in those outfits. They really suit you.” Giving the men around me a smile to lift the sudden tension and studying one after another in those full black, skintight, ninja-like clothes they were wearing. How could I have not noticed sooner how great they looked in those costumes? They were practically made for them and I could only imagine what they had planned for tonight. It surely promised to be exciting.

My sight got stuck on Noah yet again when I took him in from head to toe, making my pulse shoot up and bringing me back to the moment where he had caged me in with his arms. If looks could kill, I’d die very happy right now. There was that glint again, no trace of the coldness from before but the warmth they usually held.

Heat was rushing to my cheeks at the thought and I tore my sight away to not raise any suspicion. Whatever it was that had overcome him, it seemed to be gone as fast as it appeared. Letting me relax but it still left me to wonder.

“They are sick!” I could only chuckle at Nick’s choice of words. He was lucky nobody else was here who would lecture him about his language. Nobody except Ruen, who cleared his throat to remind him to watch how he expressed himself. Earning a shrug from the dark haired boy to which the older man could only shake his head. “What? It’s the truth.”

“Who would have thought our samurai has such a good taste in clothes?” Jolly commented with a raised eyebrow, one side of his mouth turning upwards into a smirk that got even wider when he locked eyes with said person. Something was off about it that much I could tell, not missing how Noah straightened up his posture ever so slightly and the grip on his horse’s reins hardened. Whatever they were talking about wasn’t only about his choice for their costumes anymore. It was definitely about something else I didn’t understand which seemed to either make him really uncomfortable or anger him.

“Maybe with some other things too.” Nicholas joined in, throwing a wink at Jolly. Both not able to hold in their snickers.

All four of them were in a weird mood and I regretted being gone all day. At least I would have had a clue what was going on… Did they know? Did Noah tell them? No, he’d never risk that.

My nerves were literally a rollercoaster, my mind starting to overthink and trying to match the speed of my heartbeat. What had we been thinking? If anyone found out… the consequences would be fatal. How could I have been so stupid to think I could keep this a secret? And how was I supposed to survive tonight if he really meant what he had said and I’d be alone with him? Maybe all of this was as a bad decision to begin with… No! I don’t regret almost kissing him. I just can’t resist him… And I don’t want to.

The neighing of a horse snapped me out of my head, breaking my train of thought.

It must have come from Noah’s as it was tugging at the reins while raising its head and pulling against its restraints. Stomping with its hooves back and forth at the same time.

First I moved a few feet away from its side for my safety before I carefully came closer to its front, watching its movements to assess what to do and how to respond to its actions.

It was nervous.

“Hey, everything’s okay. Shh. Calm down, it’s okay.” I slowly inched my way forward till I reached it, softly laying my right hand on the front of its head and starting to stroke it to calm it down, holding the reins lightly with my other hand to restrain its violent movements.

“You are making him nervous.” I stated to its rider, missing the quizzical look overtaking his face because I was busy focusing on his temperamental companion.

Thankfully it worked and the horse was relaxing into my touch after a couple of strokes and a few more calming words.

“There you go. Everything’s alright.” I was lightly petting the side of its throat before moving back to its head who was hanging lower now, almost motionless. A sign that the animal was completely at ease now.

“You’re not the only one demanding my attention today, hm?” I chuckled and looked up to Noah for a second. Two could play this game the boys were playing. Earning a deep snort from the black horse in return who was pushing its head against me now. “That’s my good boy.”

The men around me were all watching me in awe doing what I could do best. As cliché as it sounds but I loved horses and learned how to ride from a young age thanks to Ruen who initially introduced me to them. These animals were not only beautiful but their empathy was what made them so special. They could feel your emotions and reflect them back at you. That’s why I spent most of my time with them when I didn’t have to be a princess or wasn’t sneakily reading through the large amount of books hidden away in the castle because they contained tails from centuries ago, of an age that had long passed, telling about forbidden stories of gods who were believed to have existed in this land.

It also gave me the opportunity to be with the boys a lot, laughing, sharing stories, teaching them new tricks on their horses or simply just spending some time with each other when Jolly, Nicholas and Nick weren’t on their duty as castle guards and Noah wasn’t needed for the time being.

These few things were my only escape from the golden cage I had been placed in and I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing if I didn’t have them.

They were essentially like a second family, sharing the same passion with me after I got them in touch with the artistic side of riding and showed them that these animals were so much more than everybody else in this castle like my father thought they were – their intelligence included. It took a little bit of convincing to get them to try it out but once they eventually did, it turned out they all had a talent for it just like me. Leading to hours and hours of training choreographies and stunts with each other because we loved what we did. Each of them having their own skillset just like their horses who matched their individual characters.

Nicholas and Jolly were more laid back, Noah and Nick on the other hand the most active, doing the riskier tricks. Perfectly fitting the energy of their stallions.

Of course this came with a downside, the perfect example standing right before me. Noah’s horse was our little problem straight from the start. It took a lot of time and hard work to get it to where it was now. The raven black stallion allowed no one on his back but Noah and me and wasn’t taking any commands from anyone else either. Everyone writing it off as ‘unrideable’, some even had declared it as a ‘bad omen’, but the truth was you just had to get to know and understand it. Its temper mirroring the samurai’s in every possible way, even the same bullheadedness.

You would think under the calm and collected demeanor wouldn’t be anything more but there was a lot Noah wasn’t showing that reached deeper. I wished he would let go and show more of it. He had given me a glimpse of it this morning and I wanted to discover all of it.

“You do what Noah tells you to do, alright? Show them what we’ve been training. I want you to make their jaws drop.” I said with insistency, stroking behind its ears and back down before giving my attention to the other three.

“All of you.”

Moving down in a row and stroking each one from Nicholas’ over Nick’s to Jolly’s. Making sure to give them some love equally and check if they were ready for their performance.

“Y/N, we need to go.” Ruen announced behind me when I was finished with the last.

“I could bring her.” Noah threw in suddenly, surprising me with his offer.

“No, it’s okay. You go and get ready for your show. I’m fine.” I declined politely, wanting to give him the chance to fully focus before they were going out there. He was good at keeping his expression unchanged but I noticed his face fall the smallest amount, feeling the butterflies tickling my insides at the little action. Or rather the meaning behind it.

I acknowledged the boys with a challenging smile, continuing where I left off.

“That includes the four of you! I’m excited to see what you’ve been planning.” Their eyes were shining with excitement and you could feel the energy they were giving off. They were more than ready to make themselves the highlight of this evening.

I was so proud of them and it made me happy to see them like this.

I shared a last glance with each one, letting it linger for a second longer on Noah. There was something playful and mischievous in his eyes, he definitely had accepted my challenge and was determined to not only complete it but to raise the level even higher. His unrelenting confidence was turning me into a puddle, spreading a wave of heat through me.

The dark of the night was thankfully covering it up and before anyone of them could notice how red my face probably was, I swiftly stepped to his horse and gave it a kiss above its nose.

“Be a good boy.” I whispered to it quietly, not wanting anyone else to hear. But apparently a certain someone did without making it known.

To not make Ruen wait any longer, I came to him so we could leave. “Let’s go.”

As we were about to move, I heard a distant sound coming from somewhere further away outside the castle, my head snapping into the direction.

“Did you hear that?” I asked and tried to make out something in the darkness above the castle walls but couldn’t spot anything.

“What?” Nicholas questioned back, exchanging a look with the other men and following my sight.

“I didn’t hear anything.” Jolly answered unconcerned.

“Are you sure you not made it up?” Nick could be right and I just thought I heard something but I was sure I didn’t.

Noah kept silent but instead fixated his observing gaze into the direction I was looking. Narrowing his eyes, concern ghosting his features for a moment.

“It’s probably nothing.” After nothing else happened, I decided to let it go and not think any more about it.

Starting to walk away with Ruen next to me and brushing it off.

“You won’t forget this!” We heard Nick shouting after us.

“I bet!” I stopped and shouted back at them, catching their group staring at me.

It was like his final words were heard by the kami.

I truly wouldn’t forget this night.

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Tags: @concreteangel92

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian x reader #noah sebastian fanfiction #noah sebastian fanfic #noah sebastian au #bad omens #bad omens au #fates edged on a blade

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lavend-ler · 4 months ago

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BORDERLANDS: DEBT OR ALIVE BOOK REVIEW

I have read the new Borderlands book Debt Or Alive. I did not like it. In fact, I hated it so much I needed to pour out my thoughts in this review. It’ll be very long, so bear this in mind while reading through it because it’s been a while since a piece of media has made me this angry.

There will be spoilers to ALL of the book so you’ve been warned. I am going to analyze this book very thoroughly so everything that can be spoiled will be spoiled.

TL;DR – I hated this book. I accept Borderlands 3, I think it’s fine and I really like aspects of it. I wasn’t enthusiastic about New Tales From The Borderlands but in the end, I thought it was fine. But Debt Or Alive? It’s probably the only piece of Borderlands media that I won’t consider canon from this point forward. Half-assed story with shallow characters and ham-fisted message which retroactively ruins the events of the game(s). Don’t buy it, don’t waste your time on this just to see the worst version of characters you love.

A more detailed review will be under the cut. It’s over 10k long.

1. Tales From The Borderlands made even worse

I have a complicated relationship with Tales From The Borderlands. I think my best friend had put it in the best way – Tales From The Borderlands is good when you don’t think about it for too long. For me, it’s a fun game to play once every 4 years, remember the story and move on. The more you think about it, the more apparent the cracks get and the worse it becomes.

Debt Or Alive REALLY makes you think about Tales From The Borderlands in the worst way possible.

I have always thought that Fiona’s part of the story is weaker than Rhys’. It’s told in a way that sort of meanders until it’s reached its conclusion. The first sin Debt Or Alive commits is that the ending of Tales is its beginning. What should be the conclusion, the nice ribbon to tie the story is now the jumping off point. In my opinion, it’s always a terrible narrative decision to make your sequel start where the story left off. It always implies the fact that your conclusion is meaningless and that your characters didn’t learn anything. To write a new story, you need more challenges which also means that characters need new struggles. In Debt Or Alive’s case, it means that everything that happened in Tales isn’t worth a thing.

To me, nothing was more apparent of it here than the Vault scene. The Vault of the Traveler grants a wish to everyone who steps there. The Vault should be the conclusion to what we know of the characters and sort of “off screen” this happens to Rhys. We see Fiona hear that Rhys wishes for Atlas and that’s the end of his story in Tales. Though I will touch upon why I didn’t like this later, it does make narrative sense, he was supposed to be more independent and choose his own path instead of following others. It’s a ribbon that ties to his character in Borderlands 3 and New Tales From The Borderlands.

Then it’s time for Fiona and… Oh, yeah. What would SHE wish for? Throughout Tales, we see Fiona evolve as a character from the ragged con-artist who wishes to just go by, to the independent and certain Vault Hunter. Or do we? Yes, there is a moment in which Sasha dies which would be traumatic for Fiona but she’s from Pandora. She should know the dangers of living and instead, she should be happy that she came back as the hero. In the ending of Tales, we can hear Fiona say “This [Vault hunting] life…suits me” so she already reconciled the danger and in fact, she welcomes it. But to make this half-assed story be a thing, we have to disregard this entirely.

So in the Vault, Fiona is given a chance to wish for anything she wants. What does she wish for? Nothing, actually. Presented with an opportunity of a lifetime, Fiona has no idea what to wish for. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad of either an opener or an ending this is for her character. For an opener, we have a protagonist who doesn’t know what she wants and where she needs to go. Sure, it’s a start for an arc but not for Fiona who already DID have it. It’s an arc she had earned, so why would she have a restart and go through this all over again? And as an ending, it’s a terrible reminder that Fiona probably didn’t learn a thing. The time in the Vault was for nothing, Athena didn’t teach her anything. Burch doesn’t know his character well enough to think of anything for her to wish for.

Hence the whole journey moving forward truly is just a bad rehash. If Fiona didn’t learn a thing about herself and needs to do it again but worse, what’s the point of this story? To see her come to the same conclusion as she did at the end of Tales but worse? The answer is yes. As this story suggests Fiona is a protagonist who doesn’t know what to do with her life and just wants to protect her sister and that’s all. Which is the exact same point her character was at, at the beginning of Tales.

Actually, why did the Vault have to grant wishes, anyway? It doesn’t make sense for neither Fiona nor Rhys and even later, Gaige cements that this didn’t have to be the case. Part of the charm which Tales From The Borderlands brought was the story of everyday people. This wasn’t a story of glorious Vault Hunters with great stamina and luck, who chose the adventure for the guns and glory. This was a story of a middle manager and a con artist, two unremarkable people who were basically forced onto this adventure from outside forces and because of their will became heroes of their own stories. It’s a story of normal people who have made their own self-made destiny.

Debt Or Alive, of course, scoffs at this idea. Rhys’ Vault wish for Atlas makes no sense as he already has Atlas and already probably works under this trademark. It doesn’t mean a thing that he wishes for the whole legal action thing, when his character progression to have Atlas from Jack would be so good. But no, it’s cosmic power that grants him that wish fully. Fiona too, she was supposed to be a self-made Vault Hunter but in the end (or the beginning), she rejects this and doesn’t know what to wish for. Just an absolutely horrible way of planning out her character. No one wants a passive character and this is what this story makes Fiona to be – a bystander, rather than an igniter.

I also want to point out that the events of Tales and characters she meets are truly nothing but cameos. A big part of Fiona’s story was gaining independence when her father figure Felix turned out to be a snake who sold them out. Within Tales, it’s very clear that Felix was abusive towards Fiona and Sasha, forcing them into roles they didn’t want, favoring Fiona and making them live such a strict life, they thought it was the best they could get. Of course, none of this is ever touched upon in Debt Or Alive. It’s never mentioned that Fiona is an abuse survivor and how it would shape her as a person with her protectiveness and willingness to give up greatness for simply “good enough”, and being held to impossible standards. There are also barely any mentions of Athena and their time together. At no point does Fiona use tactics she had learnt from Athena or recounts their time. Those are passive mentions which make Fiona look like she didn’t learn a thing.

My own ribbon that ties this section will be the funniest thing that for me exposes how much Tales is made worse. Tales From The Borderlands is a game in which choices DO NOT matter. There are no consequences and each choice will yield the same outcome. Again, it’s just meaningless and it’s so funny to me that this book wants to wink at the audience becoming a “choose your own adventure” book in two sections, which both lead to the same result. It truly does not mean a thing.

2. Anthony Burch cannot write women and Fiona’s character assassination

Anthony Burch cannot write women. This is a fact that I wanna point out every single time I can because it was never more apparent to me than in this book. Let’s start with women in Borderlands and the stories which he had written for them. Maya has a good theme but falls flat when she’s only an object for Kreig to lust over. Nisha is Burch’s sexual fantasies coming true in a gross way. Athena in Tales is made only stone cold, no-fun character who is a liar to someone who loves. Janey in Tales is made to be an overbearing girlfriend trope but it’s progressive because she’s a lesbian. Vallory is a collection of tropes. So on and so forth.

Hence right from the beginning, I was very skeptical of a book by Burch which will have the most female-driven cast in all of Borderlands. My skepticism was proved not only to be right but also that it was much worse than I had realized. Because I haven’t even shown you the issues of Fiona and Sasha and trust me, there are some even in Tales. However from Tales I could very easily tell you what character traits Fiona and Sasha have and what differentiated them.

Fiona, as described in Tales promotional material is a con-artist with a heart of gold. She has been raised on streets, she loves money and she has a silver tongue to get out of every situation she’s in. Fiona also cares about those she loves a lot, as an older sister she can get overbearing but her situation in life made her realize that it’s justifiable. She can also be a nerd, she’s curious and fun, likes to joke around. Sasha is a character who loves danger far more than Fiona. She likes guns and has great knowledge of them, she’s more a doer than a talker. Sasha doesn’t want the con life and longs for something tangible, rather than just be a prize in the books. She also has an inferiority complex, due to Felix’ abuse which she masks with her forwardness and action personality. She shines through when she can do things she loves, becoming headstrong, honest and independent.

Do you really think we’ll get any of this in this book?

The answer is no and it’s very easy to tell it right from the start. I know I keep getting back to the Vault scene but trust me, this is the culprit from which I knew this book will be a failure. In this scene, Fiona doesn’t know what to wish for, so she “wishes” that Sasha was there. This wish is granted and it’s now both sisters in the Vault. From this you can see the issue – this book does not treat Fiona and Sasha as separate characters. They ALWAYS have to be together, always mention each other, they’re basically never given a room to breathe because whenever a scene calls for just Fiona or just Sasha, their internal monologue will keep mentioning the other.

I can’t even really make a case for either of the characters individually because this book itself makes such a bad case with them. I’ll give it my best shot because when these moments occur they are, well, bad. I’ll start with Sasha because I have less to say since the book itself had less to say about her too. There is a certain moment in which Sasha, being tired of Fiona’s carefulness, goes Vault hunting with Gaige. I was very happy at this, since I have shipped Sasha and Gaige before and I thought their personalities would mesh well. Yet, in this particular instance, Sasha isn’t enjoying anything regarding Vault hunting and the danger, while constantly thinking of Fiona. Why is that, why wouldn’t she be thrilled for the adventure and getting to know another person like Gaige more? They could bond and start a friendship but in the end, they barely talk and Sasha isn’t into it. Even guns don’t excite her that much. What happened to her?

I think even her reflections towards life after death are very much shallow and omitted. We get a sense of it, we get that Sasha is terrified that there’s nothing when she dies but we’re not given anything of it. I figured this would be her turning point, that Sasha will realize that if there’s nothing afterwards, it’s best to live her life to the fullest, going on adventures, not wasting chances. But nothing like this has happened. Sasha doesn’t enjoy Vault hunting, she shrugs at guns, she can’t have her own fulfillments, her relationship with Rhys is wishy-washy. You’d think that with sudden realization of death, Sasha would have a breaking point and start thinking if it’s all worth it and how her life should now be like. But that would require interesting philosophical questions that Burch doesn’t want to answer. Not when they lose the life-giving crystal, nor when Sasha dies a second time when she chooses to. It’d be such an interesting discussion of the meaning of life, how Sasha approaches life and what it all means to her but no. Not given any thought to this. At the end it’s not even unique to her as Fiona dies and is brought to life too so again, no point.

Another faucet to her character is the on and off relationship with Rhys and just… I was never a fan of shipping Sasha and Rhys together and this book reminded me of it in the worst possible way. Sasha is disinterested with Rhys’ world and they never mesh well together, having such different goals in life. She doesn’t even want to acknowledge their relationship, leaving Rhys to look like a sad wet sock (more on that later). It’s described how she’s used to acting a certain way and that’s fair, that’s a huge roadblock in a relationship. But we never see this roadblock get pushed. Sasha at the end of the book is still terrified of the potential relationship and doesn’t want this. We only learn that one time she calls him her boyfriend off screen, which is just such a cop out I can’t begin to describe it. I’m so sorry, Sasha, you deserve an actual relationship not just Burch’s fantasies.

So I move to the main character of the story, Fiona. And oh god, how badly has Burch treated Fiona, words cannot describe it but they will try. From the beginning, we see one of Fiona’s traits be amped up to 11 – her protectiveness which turns into overbearingness. Constantly, we are reminded that Sasha died and Fiona can’t forgive herself. Which is fair but again… We saw her happy and fulfilled at the end of Tales. But since Tales doesn’t matter and probably it’s better if it didn’t exist, it gets shrugged off. May I remind you, this book starts right as Tales ended. Which is a year later from the start. Which means Fiona is 30 and Sasha is 25. Their actions do not portray two characters of this age, especially Fiona’s towards Sasha’s.

Look, I’m 24 and I have a sister who’s 33, so close-ish range to them. If my sister would do the things that Fiona did to Sasha I would be pissed off as all hell because guess what, my adult sister does consider me an adult woman. Unlike apparently Fiona and Sasha. Because for Sasha’s “safety” Fiona puts her into a fucking jail on a planet they do not know, just towards her “safety”. Yes, it’s regarded as dumb and wrong in the book and that Fiona knows that Sasha would pull through but it’s just mind boggling to me that Fiona would even do that. She should know her sister. But then throughout the book we see Fiona acting like know all be all authority to her, constantly second guessing her actions and opinions and being completely overbearing. I’m sorry but her apology at the end doesn’t make it remotely okay to be so controlling of Sasha.

I guess that’s the point. In my opinion, this book is a character assassination for Fiona. People will whine and moan over how Rhys got ruined in Borderlands 3 and New Tales but no, I had and will always disagree with this. But Fiona in Debt Or Alive? Burch truly showed how he has no clue how to write female characters because she is completely ruined here. None of her actions make sense, neither do her choices, the little character she has is so unlikeable and I just can’t believe he thought it was all good.

The best way to show you how Fiona got ruined is to have a little overview of Fiona as a character before and her background. She is a Pandoran, born and “raised” there, through the life of crime and bribery. Her biological parents died, she only has Sasha with her. Thus she feels responsible for her and their wellbeing. Fiona also had Felix, a man who brought her and Sasha with him and raised them in a very abusive manner. Fiona all her life had lived in poverty, struggling to get by with her cons, constantly having Felix make her think she’s responsible for the failures or successes of the group all on her own. She lived in a caravan, she barely had any money to her name. She’s no stranger to the climate and cruelty of Pandora, having lived there all her life, though she herself prefers the “word” combat.

Got it? Well, now forget it because that’s what Burch did in his book.

I know that wealth can change people, I really do and the sum of money Fiona and Sasha received is enormous. What I don’t understand is that they both did a complete 180 on their perspectives. I do realize that living in poverty all their life, Fiona would start spending money on dumb things but to hammer home this fact, Burch tries really hard to show us how dumb some of the purchases are. But would she really act like this in this setting? First, it’s hard for me to believe that she would willingly move to Eden-5, seeing the corrupted system and life in which it operates. It’s just Pandora but with chrome paint on it. Yet, Fiona doesn’t see red flags and just continues on living, buying dumb shit. We don’t learn anything new about her through this either, it’s just a dumb thing after dumb thing. Why couldn’t it start with things that she really wanted and then move on to unnecessary things? I think it’s because Burch couldn’t even establish what her wishes would be from Pandoran times.

What also made me just want to throw this book away was that it took Fiona around 200 pages to realize that people who work for her are also bound by debt. It’s such a nearsighted thing, I cannot believe that she would do it. Especially since I think we’re led to believe that this book happened in the span of 4-5 years. For Fiona to be this bound by greed and wealth doesn’t fit her character at all. How could she just not see that people who work for her have been tortured by poverty? Up until this point, Fiona lived in poverty herself, she should KNOW that this is a thing people struggle with. Not to mention, in the book there are talks about how people have multiple debt cuffs on them. It’s unacceptable that Fiona wouldn’t care about those who were beneath her. And if she really did, do you think this makes her character any more likable? And do you think that her turn around is a moment of triumph when we’re led to believe she ignored those people for YEARS?

I think the story itself just makes you shrivel at one moment in particular. Fiona purchases a sapphire kitten, which shatters. Classic Borderlands humor, right? This moment truly disturbed me but not in a way that Burch wanted but for the implications. Fiona spends money on bullshit she doesn’t want just to have it. Who else spent money on unneeded bullshit just to show wealth? Handsome Jack. And when you’re comparing your hero to the most vile villain from the series, I don’t think it’s a good sign. Especially since in canon Handsome Jack loved and cared for Butt Stallion. Unlike Fiona.

Even the breaking point moment of Fiona, the destruction of Rustville, felt shallow. Reading this, I couldn’t help but to go back to the moment of Helios’ destruction in Tales. It was such an incredible moment for Rhys, seeing the destruction of a place that was close to him, death of people who he knew and respected. And seeing this “reprise” of sorts with Fiona just felt shallow. At this point, Fiona was in Rustville around 3 times if I can recall? She met people but didn’t form any meaningful relationships (because Burch doesn’t want either of the sisters to have meaningful relationships besides each other) or got to know anyone better. These were all one off interactions with random people. Unlike Rhys, it wasn’t Fiona’s choice to destroy Rustville. It was only an act that she maybe sort of allowed to happen but it was an action of one rich woman. Fiona had no agency in her actions, there was nothing she could’ve done to neither prevent it nor cause it. Thirdly, Fiona is a Pandoran. She should know the carnage, death and destruction, as it is ingrained in Pandora’s system and society. For her to act so devastated and shocked, it simply doesn’t make sense.

Another thing is that this story really dumbs Fiona down, to the points that I couldn’t comprehend how dumb she was. She goes alone to Tetanus Wilds, even if with Sasha she’d have more chances. Especially since she was going to Gaige’s stash and let’s be real – Sasha knows guns, Fiona does not. Fiona goes to destroy Rustville without any weapons and without any protection which of course results in her basically getting killed. Fiona takes a leap of faith thinking she’d die in the ditch but forgets that Deathtrap can fly and catch her. How would she forget if she was tinkering with him before? The same way she’d forget her weapons it seems.

I also wanted to mention how it always made sense to me that Fiona and Sasha would have a falling out in some part of the story, so both of the sisters would become independent and chase their own destinies. It would require Burch to stop thinking of them as a singular character, which does not happen. This part in particular made me especially angry. A skilled writer would make Fiona’s overbearingness and constant promises to be a start of Sasha realizing she needs to live her own life, Fiona as well. Anthony Burch is not a skilled writer so nothing of such happens.

Within Debt Or Alive we don’t learn anything new regarding neither Fiona nor Sasha. We are spoon fed information that we already know, seeing characters we love either devolve to their pre-Tales state or make terrible, nonsensical decisions. There are no moments in which either of the sisters can breathe on their own. They are thrown into situations where something just has to happen. Thus, we don’t learn anything about them as people.

I also want to point out that the writing of Gaige is fine. I’ll talk more about this later but she truly was fine and I didn’t see issues with how her character was carried. Granted, I think it’s very hard to screw up writing Gaige but it’s Burch, he can do it all. I’m still sad that she’s a lonely outcast like in Borderlands 3 but in general, I didn’t have issues with either her writing or the story.

3. There will never be another Handsome Jack and the death of a good villain

Some of you have already started to roll your eyes at the mention of Handsome Jack but trust me, I have a point here to make. Whenever you hear people talk about Handsome Jack a special kind of sentence emerges – a villain you love to hate. I think this sentence is a great guide to creating your villain so that they’re impactful, fit the story, be likable enough to want to be with them but you’re happy when you get to kill them. And nothing made me feel like it’s a craft long gone than reading Debt Or Alive.

Countess Holloway is a nothing villain. She truly doesn’t represent anything and I can’t tell you anything of what she is as a person. Actually, it can boil down to one sentence – she’s rich and she’s evil. That’s all there is to her character but I guess it goes to show that even then, Burch cannot write women.

Going a little deeper, we gotta discuss the parts that make a good villain. I’m sorry for the comparisons to Handsome Jack but we really need to talk about what makes him great and what makes Holloway shallow.

On the surface level, the points are there. A villain needs to be connected to your heroes in a specific way, having an impact on their lives. Holloway does meet that quota, as she’s not only the motor for this story but also is actually the reason why Fiona and Sasha got rich in the first place. She is a vain person, who loves to live for shallow things and doesn’t care about the rest. From this point of view, we could think that Holloway serves as a reminder to Fiona and Sasha of “be careful who you can become” but neither of them have this revelation. Throughout the story, Fiona and Sasha basically do turn into Holloway, yet nothing of it is neither stated nor explored. It’s not a revelation that characters have, it’s what we think when we connect the dots.

When we start to think more, it all begins to fall apart. The key thing that lacks here is motivation. Looking back at Handsome Jack, it was clear how his goals were stated – he was a nobody who became somebody by his charisma and cunning ways. Now he projects his awful world views on others and it’s your job to stop him. There’s also the fact that his daughter Angel works for him and killing her for Jack is the breaking point. You see him be cruel, vain and abusive but you see his more “human” side that does not excuse his actions (I am looking away from Tales) but makes you understand how much of a terrible person he is and how he deserves to die. It’s effective and fantastic storytelling and his personality makes you want to be around him, even if he’s an awful person who deserves to die.

Let’s go back to Holloway and examine her as I described the traits of a good villain via Jack. Holloway’s motivation is that 7 years ago Gaige murdered her daughter Marcie and now she wants revenge on her. This is already a problem, as this is a passive goal. Holloway is presented as an arrogant woman who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty, hence she can’t kill Gaige on her own. Understandable but also she doesn’t seem very interested in it anyway? She wants to kill Gaige but passively. There’s a bounty on Gaige but Holloway doesn’t have a squad to look after her. Wouldn’t it be more interesting if Holloway had people looking for Gaige and when they die she swiftly replaces them with another one? It would be active but instead we’re presented this information as “well, maybe Gaige dies or maybe she doesn’t, idk, it’s alright either way”.

Another point is that Holloway is a very shallow character. In general, yes but in her actions too. What do we really know about her? She is rich, vain, vengeful, powerful and likes to spend money on frivolous things. Sure but that’s so basic you could tell this about so many other villains it wouldn’t make a difference. There is nothing in her nor in her behavior that would be an indicator of any interesting persona or character. Holloway just exists and we’re told that she’s evil. Wonderful character writing, gotta say.

We’re introduced to Countess Holloway in a way that she is the potential buyer of the Typhon DeLeon Vaultlander figure. Why would she want this? We’re not told nor shown. Thinking of it logically, we could say that it’s supposed to show us that Holloway likes to spend money on whatever bullshit she wants, which is fair. But wouldn’t it make it more sense if after the death of her child, Holloway became obsessed with Vault Hunters, knowing the murderer of her child became one? How did she start researching stories of Vault Hunters and think about how much she hates them, which would lead to her gaining knowledge? This way, Holloway could’ve been prepared for the attacks of Vault Hunters and Vault Hunter wannabes, since she would predict it all. Or even set a lure with a promise of amazing loot. Nothing like this happens.

Even the death of Marcie isn’t exactly a driving point to Holloway. When Angel dies in Borderlands 2, you see the impact it has on Handsome Jack. You know he’s an abusive parent yet even within this, he still acts as sort of father of the year type and constantly manipulates you, saying this is your fault. For Holloway, it seemed that the death of her child just happened and yeah, she’s pissed but you know, things happen. She doesn’t mention who Marcie was, even in her shallow understanding of it. It could’ve made a very interesting character bit where she would tell lies about Marcie, as she was more of a commodity to and of Holloway than anything else. Instead, Marcie’s death isn’t really a drive for Holloway, it’s just a thing that happened and she’s kinda bummed about this.

Is Holloway an imposing force, a ticking clock of sorts? No, she is not. We’re told that during all their stay on Eden-5 (again, around 4 or 5 years), Fiona and Sasha are neighbors with Holloway and nothing is done with it. They’re not anxious that she could strike at any moment or that she could catch Gaige. They don’t care about Gaige actually. That’s why Holloway makes a very poor villain in the imposing sense. There’s no impact of hers and her power felt throughout the book, when Fiona and Sasha can happily live next to her and nothing happens.

The only interesting display of her power is during the gala at Fiona and Sasha’s place, where Holloway shows that she can very easily change the whole Elite’s perspectives regarding the sisters. Yes, it’s a good moment for Holloway but it also truly makes me think how shallow she is as a character. First, the fact that Fiona fell for the Claptrap Vaultlander is another testament of how dumbed down she was. Burch, you made a whole joke about how Claptrap sucks at the beginning and how Fiona hates him, the least you could do was to think that she’d immediately throw this away (especially since you’ve established that Fiona is frivolous with her possessions now).

Second, it’s such a bait and switch moment for Holloway and the whole Elite. I get what it was trying to accomplish, it was for us to see that the Elites are stupid and will follow anyone as it goes. But wouldn’t it be better that out of her hatred for Fiona and Sasha she would work behind the scenes, telling other Elites how they are just stupid Pandorans who can’t achieve anything? It could’ve been a carefully plotted plan with instances that the blackmail was happening hinted at throughout the story but that would require the time when Fiona and Sasha spent on Eden-5 to mean something (it does not) and Holloway to have an ounce of personality and planning skills (she does not).

Another thing that Holloway for me lacks is the backstory. To create a good villain you must make us believe that they had a reason to do all that so we can hate them even more. I think in general, Borderlands does a great job with this, with Knoxx, Handsome Jack, of course, Colonel Zarpedon and the twins. But Holloway? We do not know anything about Holloway’s life. It was probably done so the billionaire character is just a shallow representation of this world but it makes for a very boring and one note character. We don’t know how she got this money, if she lived all her life like this and hates outsiders who she thinks are unworthy of this. Or is it a thing she got later in life thus is so cutthroat about this because she doesn’t wanna go back to poverty. No, you just get a one note shallow villain with no motivation and nothing to play off of.

Even her death is such a nothing death too. Throughout the book we see everyone trying to get at her and eliminate her and not succeed. It’s why Gaige is here, it’s a whole moral dilemma for Fiona and Sasha to grasp upon. As much as Holloway is baiting them to do this but calling them cowards and the sisters just lamenting over how they should’ve done this, you’d think Holloway would get her way. Possibly being quite literally torn to shreds by the sisters, Gaige and the poor people of Eden-5. I mean, it’s Borderlands, deaths like these could happen! But no, she just falls to her death. Even Gaige didn’t deserve to get a shot at her, it seems.

4. The themes of why all billionaires deserve to die or lack therefore of

In a now deleted tweet, Anthony Burch describes Debt Or Alive as a book about how “all billionaires deserve to die”. Why he had deleted this, I have no idea and I’m not here to speculate. However, I did not forget this tweet and throughout reading Debt Or Alive I kept reminding myself of itt. It should be the credo of this book, right? Or at least it once was. That is why, I wanted to simply sit down and speculate, what does this tweet actually mean for the themes of this book.

(This screen isn’t mine, I didn’t get to screenshot it when it was up)

I am a leftist, my politics are very much so on the left. My expertise lies in environmental issues and I know less about socio-economics but it’s fine because it seems that Anthony Burch himself doesn’t know much about this. Hence while reading Debt Or Alive, I asked myself the same question over and over. Let’s say I’m a person who likes Borderlands, likes Fiona and Sasha, isn’t too involved in politics and now I read Debt Or Alive – will this book convince me to learn more of the theory or think that all billionaires should die? In a way yes but in none of the right meaning of such speculations.

On the planet of Eden-5, it seems that life is determined by money and social status. Even the smallest crimes (or rather inconveniences towards the wealthy) will result in you getting a debt cuff. The imagery is already very ham-fisted but let’s go forward with this idea. What are the debt cuffs? I can’t really tell you how they work. While reading I couldn’t have deduced how exactly they operate with that premise.

First thing is that a person can have multiple debt cuffs but it is never specified if the cuffs ever reach their limit in amount of money on it. As we see Fiona and Sasha get their cuffs and then we learnt you can get multiple, it truly got me thinking – how is that possible? How is it possible to get another, if the screens are digital (and they are described to be digital) how can they reach the limit and be forced to get another? In a highly technological society like Borderlands, nonetheless? How are the body parts chosen for this process? Fiona gets one on her ankle (I think, either this or arm, I forgot) but Sasha gets one on her neck. There are people who have so many cuffs they can’t walk anymore. How can they have so many?

Truth be told, we won’t learn anything about the cuffs or how people operate with them. We simply know they are very common and every citizen of Rustville is described to wear one. Even children, in an incredibly not subtle way, are described to wear “debt cuffs 4 kidz!”. We’re told the cuffs are very heavy but people live with them. We won’t learn who manufactures them, who is in charge of the law to give them away. We’re not even told about the ones who have paid their debt without help from Fiona and Sasha.

The moment when the book takes us to debt prison and the guard says there are some prisoners who can’t even walk because of their cuffs, I realized what these truly were. The cuffs were nothing but the least subtle visualization for us for the statuses of Eden-5 citizens. A literal ball and chain to be exact. For me it just serves as a very ham-fisted metaphor for what could’ve been an interesting concept. We could’ve seen someone pay up their debt but the cuff stays on because the Elites don’t want anyone to be free. We could’ve seen Elites wearing some as a “fashion statement”, mocking the suffering of the lower class. We could’ve seen an Elite who has an actual debt cuff and can’t pay it away, resulting in them hiding it from others. We could’ve had anything but the complete disregard Fiona and Sasha had for their workers and not realizing all of them wear at least one.

For all it’s worth, the book has a very black and white approach towards wealth and money, one that is very unusual for Borderlands. Though we get the usual for Borderlands “everyone is an asshole”, we have such a divide between Rusters and the Elites, it’s hard to mistake it for anything else. Because of this, world building suffers with this incredibly. There are only the poorest people around or the richest people around. There is no nuance or a conversation, there is either this or that. Even Gaige doesn’t offer any insider information towards it, even if she was born and raised there. Nowhere does her very outspoken politics mention the structures and Elites of Eden-5 which she should be completely against. And the fact that she knew Marcie and that she doesn’t wear any debt cuffs that are omnipresent on Eden-5 and the fact that Elites don’t want anything to do with Rusters makes me wonder – is Gaige actually rich? Because everything shows this, and if so, great work, Burch on creating a character whose identity is all over the place.

That was my big issue with showing the problems of wealth and social structures it creates. With no middle class, the conversation lacks another point of view. There are either the wealthiest around or the completely poorest lowest class imaginable. With getting rid of the middle, Burch fails to show us how daily life operates and robs us of the potential conversation. Where are the people who chase wealth and fortune? Where are those who would betray their whole class just to have that taste of top dog life? The only thing we are offered in this conversation are Face and Pick (you don’t have to know anything about them), who want to give Fiona and Sasha away for Holloway, just for the money. But that’s treated as a plot twist, rather than an actual plot point and the siblings already paralleled Fiona and Sasha, so there’s no conversation, just a very shallow shock.

Another point is how the Elites are presented to us. The Elites are the villains, of course and just like billionaires in real life, they aren’t good people. It’s more of how they are presented to us or lack of such presentation. Debt Or Alive doesn’t show us insides to the minds of the Elites because frankly, they don’t have any. I do understand that Burch wanted to show that these are stupid, cruel people, I get it, but even in real life, billionaires are stupid but not necessarily unintelligent.

In the book, we don’t see much of Elites, actually. We see them on the gala Fiona constructed and on Holloway’s gala at the end. At first, they are mindless people who cannot think for themselves. They’re either doing what Fiona wants or what Holloway wants. Secondly, they are quite literally used as meat shields for our heroes to hide behind. So in all senses, they have no personalities, either as a group or individuals. I think the biggest crime is that even in their rich years, Fiona and Sasha don’t interact with the Elites. We could see them be cruel to the lower class citizens, purposefully making them do things that would rank up their debt. We could see them spending money on idiotic things which Fiona and Sasha would point out as dumb. We could even have descriptions of Holloway’s house that are garish and grotesque because she has so much money, she doesn’t know how to spend it anymore.

Truly, the only billionaires whose mind we can read are actually Fiona and Sasha. But for this kind of story, you need a strawman, which is absent. I genuinely thought that Gaige could become their strawman but their relationship is so shallow and so one note I quickly realized it’s impossible. In stories like this, usually when the protagonists become rich and get to make stupid, meaningless purchases, there are already signs that something like this is bad. And though there are plenty of moments in which the girls make stupid choices over their greed, it takes them so damn long to wake up from that dream.

There’s also no critique of overconsumption or consumerism in general. It should be an easy task, regarding how Fiona and Sasha spend their money but though we never see the effects on them, for example throwing away new things or we don’t see the workers (besides that one lady) in such conditions. It’s all a very interesting subject that is brushed away at rich ladies’ boredom. Though we are told that these purchases are stupid, we aren’t given an answer to what they should do instead. And the only point of activism Fiona and Sasha do is to finally free the workers from cuffs. Took them long enough.

I simply can’t understand why this plot even had to involve the sisters, since it truly makes them worse by association. All throughout Tales we hear that Fiona and Sasha hate Hyperion and don’t want anything to do with Rhys. It’s a fair assessment, they’re Pandoran and Hyperion destroyed Pandora as they knew it and is personification of greed. So… Why were they so eager to live a rich and boring life? Was their issue only with Hyperion? Even more so, why were they so hateful regarding Hyperions? For all we know, Rhys is just a simple white collar worker who also gets screwed over by the system, yet they hate him for being part of the system even when it’s to also get by. Reading this story, I had a feeling that Fiona and Sasha simply hated Rhys for being a white collar worker and they had no problems with greed and destruction of lives via riches.

The story also really doesn’t want to take sides in this whole debacle. Fiona and Sasha lose all their money and want to start a revolution, killing all the Elites. This thought isn’t given any time to sink in or develop. At some point, the sisters realize no, we shouldn’t kill the Elites because that is how we’re gonna liberate the people, with their money. But then Gaige tells them they’re wrong? It’s very all over the place and the story really doesn’t want to take sides in this.

That does make me think, what kind of impact will this story even have on both Fiona and Sasha? All in all, it seemed that they didn’t learn anything. They have to be on the run because the Elites want them dead but also they’re still into the riches and spoils of the Vault. Since Rhys is rich now, wouldn’t they not want to associate with him? Or are we gonna play the “not all rich people” card? I love Rhys and I actually like fictional rich people. But while writing a story like this, you have to stick with your principals and make them call out Rhys’ practices, not side with him because he’s one of the good guys. You can’t lead a revolution and then make puppy eyes towards a rich capitalist.

I have left out the discussion of race, because I am white and I feel like this isn’t my place to be talking about this. Don’t listen to me regarding this, listen to people of color. I want to, however, point out that Burch stayed within the racial ambiguity of Fiona and Sasha and their racial identity is not spoken of, while we learn the ethnic identities of two white characters (Gaige and Felix). Not to mention that I can criticize that having two women of color be painted as rich assholes and drawing parallels between Fiona and Handsome Jack who is in canon called a fascist is incredibly insensitive. And within the revolution literally having them be called out on being “outsiders who want to lead revolution that isn’t theirs and they talk over the native people” is so bad I can’t believe Burch thought of this.

All in all, would this book convince me that all billionaires should die? With its heavy-handed metaphors and subtlety equal to a trainwreck, I truly don’t think it would. It’s a mess of themes and missed chances on having actually said something regarding the fact that billionaires should not exist and that they are vapid people who can’t look out for others. The story is just complicated when those people you criticize are also your protagonists, like Fiona and Sasha here.

We could’ve had interesting stories of class struggle and differences. The Elites could’ve been destroying the land, long before that laser hit Rustville. Destruction of land and resources for people to live is one of the oppression strategies real life rich people do. And just like the environmental issues won’t be solved with only everyday people making a change, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make things better. Write better stories with better themes. Maybe it’s just a tie-in novel for a game from 10 years ago but it could’ve said something instead of giving us a caricature of a rich person who spends money on little whale serving dishes.

See how I mentioned my passion for environmental issues at the beginning and it came back here? Set up and pay off. Something this book lacks.

5. Writing not just a better story but A Story in general

I am a writer. Sure, I write fanfiction but that doesn’t disqualify what I’m about to say. Not everyone is a showrunner, you need screenwriters too. What is this book if not officially commissioned fanfiction regarding Fiona and Sasha? When I myself am writing a story to explore, I always ask myself what is my theme, what am I building towards. Every story is fundamentally about change, right? That was why, when I stopped asking myself if I think all billionaires should die, I started asking myself – what did I gain from reading this story? What did the characters gain from this story being told? The answer is actually nothing.

Some of you probably had thought “this is just a tie-in novel to the games, it’s not supposed to be high art” and I agree with this but it is supposed to be art, no matter what. You could’ve said the same thing about the original Tales From The Borderlands, it’s nothing but an addendum to the main stories within the Borderlands. Yet, it moved a lot of people, inspired them, wanted them to create and follow the stories of these characters. For years, I’ve seen people longing for a story of Fiona and Sasha post Tales and this is what we get. Maybe in this regard Debt Or Alive is a high art, since it’s been making me nothing but angry these past couple of days. Or maybe it truly is a nothing piece of art, since at the end of the day, the feelings are just of shallowness.

Coming back to the fact that every story needs change to be worthwhile, I mean it even in the smallest of sense. It doesn’t have to be a huge change, but there has to be one no matter what. After I read Debt Or Alive I realized there was completely no change involved in the process. We start this book with Fiona and Sasha not knowing where they are in life and at the end, they decide to be Vault Hunters. You can say it is a substantial change but think about it like this – it’s the same kind of character arc they’ve had in the original Tales From The Borderlands.

Nothing had changed, they’re still at the same point they were almost 10 years ago when we finished episode 5. What Burch does is a classic shitty storytelling technique of the sequel that is just forgetting everything that had happened before and rehashing the character arc from the first one, just worse. Fiona goes from a self-reassured con-artist to a confident Vault Hunter. Sasha goes from a closed off younger sister to someone with agency. Those are the same kinds of stories we’ve already been told but when there’s no one to bounce off of, you realize that the sisters didn’t need this journey to realize it, they just needed to think for 15 minutes.

There’s also no change to the dynamics between Fiona and Sasha, and every attempt at it is shallow and pointless. At the beginning, we see Fiona being anxious that Sasha literally died before her eyes. Fiona is basically patronizing, Sasha goes Vault hunting but dislikes this, goes back and they make up. There’s no sense of change between them or maturity. I’ve already discussed the sense that their “class consciousness” is meaningless when they at the beginning were lower class. But even between each other, it’s the same song and dance. Fiona is a little overprotective, Sasha wants to show that she’s not just the younger sister. I’ve seen this already, Burch, you’ve told me this in Tales.

It doesn’t help that Fiona and Sasha really are treated constantly as the same entity, so their “changes” just don’t appear. They’re bound by the hip, unable to grow because of their limitations of the relationship. It’s too bad that a story about siblings has to treat them like they can’t exist without each other, when it could be an interesting story about independence. What if Sasha decides that Vault hunting is for her and actually goes away with Gaige? What if Fiona realizes that she’s been too caught up in her sister’s life that she forgot how to live her own? Those are all interesting questions that get tossed off the window, when you realize you have to do Tales but worse.

Just like that, the sisters can’t form any meaningful relationship. Not with the cardboard cutouts of the supporting cast, not with Gaige, there really is nothing. Fiona and Sasha don’t interact with their environment in an interesting way, it’s just a ham-fisted need to show that rich people are bad. Yes, I know they’re bad, I just want to see them discover it on their own. But we get nothing.

You can also argue that Sasha’s story regarding Rhys is just a rehash. As I’ve said, I was never a fan of this couple but I can’t imagine being satisfied with a solution that Burch brings to the table. Through the story, we see Sasha denying her feelings, not being ready for a relationship until Fiona steps in and says “actually, you are or you’re not” and off-screen we see that Sasha decided on their relationship. It’s truly insulting to see the “will they, won’t they” scenario with adult people and solved not before us.

What you have to understand is that this period of life that we’re seeing, with Fiona and Sasha is not a brief period of time. Maybe Burch doesn’t want exact numbers but this is clear when you think about a certain fact – Rhys has a mustache. I’m bringing this up because in Borderlands 3, Lor is actually surprised to see him like this, which means that the Maliwan invasion is well on its way. Which Rhys doesn’t bring up, of course. But deducing from this single comment we can calculate that between the beginning of the book and the ending, 4 or 5 years had happened. That is a damn long time and the fact that during this Fiona and Sasha do not resolve anything, do not develop and only go forth with their very surface level resolution is just a slap in the face.

We finished when we had started – it’s just that Burch doesn’t want you to realize that we had started at the ending. And this itself has consequences that he doesn’t ever want to acknowledge.

6. Show me my silver lining

I think at this point it’s very clear to see that I very much so didn’t enjoy this book. It’s just that I can’t bring myself to give a fully negative review, when there is one thing that I have to actually compliment. That thing is the arc of Gaige and what she’s been through in this book.

How we see Gaige is an actual arc and change of the character. We start with her being petty and bitter, returning to her home planet of Eden-5 for revenge. She wants to kill Holloway for destroying her and especially for the fact that she had imprisoned her father. We see Gaige’s smarts play the role against Fiona and we actually see the unbeatable Vault Hunter lose. Her father died at the prison. She has to hide, plotting her revenge. At the opportunity to bring her father back with the life crystal, she takes it immediately. But when it fails, Gaige is avoidant and quiet. Not wanting to see that she had failed yet again.

What was a terrible point in Fiona’s characterization, the destruction of Rustville, is the moment where Gaige shines through. Being presented with a choice by Holloway, she actually altruistically chooses to get caught, so she won’t hurt anyone. Sure, Holloway doesn’t keep her promise but it’s what Gaige is doing what is important. Instead of her usual snarky demeanor, we see her give up, something she had never done on her own. And in prison we see her still fighting for her life, screaming at the top of her lungs, even if at that point both her father and Deathtrap are gone.

The one genuinely great moment was when at the gala, Gaige gets a chance to open up about her feelings to her ECHOtube (I think that was what it was called?) subscribers. She talks about her love for her dad and how much he meant to her. How she misses him but wants to avenge him and wants him to be proud of her. It’s a very powerful moment, in my opinion, the best in all of the book. Gaige, surrounding herself with cheap thrills and adventures, seeks something that is real and opens up. It’s a beautiful moment of humanity for her that is just lovely to see.

Why she decided to take up the job of a party planner, I have no idea. Even with her explanation it still didn’t mean much to me. Thinking of how sad and once more, avoidant and lonely she ends up in Borderlands 3 does make me feel regret but I wanna hold onto that moment. Of Gaige’s sass and positive spirit, the only thing that made me go through that book.

Also there was a moment in which Rhys admits that he had a voice surgery. Made me go “what the fuck” at first but then I kinda laughed. Nobody needed that but whatever. Also fuck Troy Baker, all my homies hate Troy Baker.

7. Lightning round of criticism

Having said all of that and more about this book, this little section is about criticisms I had but didn’t want to dedicate a whole section to them. It’s just a list of things that bothered me as hell there but that will be shorter to sum up:

- The humor of this book was unbearable. After several of those “jokes” you could very easily predict how the next one would go. It’s one person making a statement, another person contradicting it and then the outcome is a contradiction or first person admitting to the contradiction. Imagine this dry explanation but repeated over and over again and you get at least 40% of the whole dialogue. I don’t think it’s a good thing when you can sum up your entire humor in a descriptions like this

- The new side characters are so paper thin, I cannot tell you anything about them. I can guarantee that if you ask me who they are in a month or two, I simply won’t know. All of them were characterized by a gimmick and not given anything real to do. The sisters, too, don’t have interesting interactions with them. Side characters here exist for cheap scenes that sorta progress the bad plot. In the words of a streamer Oboeshoesgames “Katagawa Jr. What a crazy character. He’s almost as memorable as Chet Smith.”

- The way this book handled Rhys is horrendous. Equated to the kicked puppy who desperately wants Sasha’s attention, constantly described as stupid and worthless and then acting like a teenager when he’s pushing 30. I don’t think Borderlands 3 ruined Rhys. I don’t think New Tales ruined Rhys. But this? This is the worst written Rhys I’ve seen in years

- Speaking of, Burch trying his damn hardest to write as if he’s a gen z person throws out words that make him look like Steve Buscemi “how do you do fellow kids” moment. In one moment, he even calls Rhys a himbo. Burch, do you know what words even mean

- The narration style suffers from “tell don’t show”. Look at this example, here. Not only is this just flat out bad writing, we don’t need to be told three different times how badly Holloway treats people. A good writer would just show it to us via her actions towards her staff and juxtapose it with how Fiona treats her staff but of course, none of this happens

- Being a video game writer, Burch doesn’t know how to progress a story. For him, the more important things are side quests and instant gratifications, not real emotional bits. The story rushes to the next point and leaves no room for you to breathe. You can’t spend time with those characters, you can’t learn anything new because you have to do another thing

- Maybe that’s just me but I hate the non descriptive narration style. The world of Eden-5 feels shallow and pointless because the sisters don’t explore it and we don’t get any descriptions of it. Those are just empty phrases of wealth and dirt and nothing else

- Last but certainly not least, I gotta ask, what the hell was Burch thinking with making this healing watch be the same thing as the healing crystal from New Tales? I always hated the deus ex machina of the watch but here it just had gotten ridiculous. It makes no sense, it’s a contrived way to bring it together. How does it connect? We never know, it is never explored. Maybe in Borderlands 50 or something

8. Conclusion

I hated this book. I wish I could’ve said something more profound but sometimes being direct is better – I truly hated this book and I won’t consider this canon to the Borderlands storyline. You can take my word that the canon won’t acknowledge it either. It’s a shallow cash grab directed at people who love Fiona and Sasha, engineered to be as meaningless as it could be and not to say anything either about its themes or its characters. It’s not a character study. It’s not a jumping off point for meaningful class structures and struggles discussion. It’s not even a fun popcorn adventure for fans of the series. With huge letters stating that it was written by the writer of Borderlands 2, I think we gotta ask – maybe it’s time to stop relying on the past and have someone write a spectacular story on par and better than Borderlands 2? Just anyone but Anthony Burch.

#borderlands #borderlands debt or alive #debt or alive #fiona the con artist #sasha the kid sister #gaige the mechromancer #bl spoilers #debt or alive spoilers #fiona dillon #sasha dillon #gaige dimartino #book review #ed.txt #ed's edits #ed.png

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