#I think I'm like this because I used to spend a substantial amount of time trying to imagine I was in the webkinz hamster lagoon world

[agnesandhilda]

dreams in fiction always make too much sense. where's my representation for people who only dream about exploring vast landscapes that would be impossible in the real world

[coldercreation]

Life update (GOOD)<3

Heyy all! Just quickly dropping in with a lil note because I feel like I’ve been less focused on the writing-front as of recent, and more inactive here in general :’)

Thank you to everyone who’s been commenting on my writing and/or left me messages and prompts this year and recently, I absolutely adore you all. I have started many a draft based on the prompts I’ve gotten, and there’s plenty more I still want to get to. Thank you for sharing your ideas with me, they genuinely help me with motivation and writing (even though I haven’t managed to finish anything substantial in a while…)

I always say it but I really just appreciate you all a lot<3

As to why I have been more inactive responding or writing/updating in general, well…

Life has just been really, really good lately? Consistently. All the time.

I’m starting to tentatively trust that the worst is well over with my health stuff/treatment, and I’m feeling so much better compared to where I started that it baffles me daily?? I kinda feel like I have a new brain - and a new life. As in, I feel fully Alive for the first time since I was a kid, pretty much.

I have so much energy. / I just go and do things now. / I might actually be an extrovert??? (I’m having a culture shock rediscovering my own damn post-chronic health issue personality lol) / Anxiety and depression, who are they? Turns out I can feel a healthy amount of sad or upset, and it’s not all consuming. / I feel anger now! And it's great lmao! / Even bad days feel like decent days compared to my past days / I have always been interested in other people, but now I have the energy to show it better and engage, without burning out before I even open my yapper. / I feel like I’m connecting with people so much easier and better, and I’m having such a good time!!! / I’m actively trying to come up with new things to do with all the time and energy I now have. I’m still figuring this one out, because yeah, it’s a culture shock, after spending my whole adult life actively avoiding things just because I didn’t have the energy for anything (Tell me your hobbies and interests!! Indoor-outdoor-solo-social??) / I feel grounded in my own body and feel present / I finally feel a sense of ‘Future’ and I'm able look forward to things, instead of being in a constant survival mode and feeling stuck in it. / I’ve started to truly FEEL things, not just think things. I’ve started to want things. And not want things. And like things. And dislike things. Anything but the mild-indifference I am/was used to. / I can get through a work day without falling a sleep. Hell, I did a 13 hour shift the other week and still had the want and the energy to go for a run, after?! I felt possessed and a bit feral with power that day lmao! / AND SO MUCH MORE and BETTER and AAAAAAA 

I tear up regularly because I suddenly out of nowhere realise ‘wow, what the fuck, I feel so great??’

I really thought ‘better’ wasn’t in the cards for me after living literal decades feeling ‘not-good-at-all’. 

But mann, I think this is already better than the better I thought I’d never get to feel xx

[cordonianroyalairlines]

All I Want for Christmas Part 1

Series: Cordonian Royal Airlines

Fandom: The Royal Romance

Pairings for series: Various

Pairing for this chapter: Riley x Drake, Liam x Max

Word Count: 2,475

Rating: General

Warnings for this chapter: None

A/N: Listen. I had an idea for the @choicesprompts #rewritechallenge holiday edition. I had the whole scene in my head, but then I decided it needed a little lead-up. Then I decided the lead-up needed a lead-up and then these characters completely just took over, threw my script out the window, and took a whole detour to examine a little budding romance between Liam and Max when this story was supposed to be focused on Drake and Riley (and it still is, mostly).

Long story short, it got a little out of hand so I have split it into two chapters. I'm tagging all of the following:

@choicesprompts rewrite challenge, holiday edition TRR x Untamed Heart (one of my all-time favorite movies). @choicesficwriterscreations holiday prompt: Stuck together in the snow; @choicesdecember2023 Christmas and @choicesholidays: This is the worst Christmas ever.

“Goodbye, Mrs. Lassiter, have a pleasant stay!” Riley waved with a smile painted on her face as the last passenger debarked. The smile faded from her face as the guests disappeared down the jet bridge and her eyes took in the heavy snowfall blanketing the runway.

Max noticed her despondent expression. “You okay, Ri?”

She turned toward her best friend and coworker with a sigh. “Remind me again why I volunteered to work this flight?”

“Uh…because your sister is getting married in less than two months, and you needed the overtime to pay for the ridiculous over-the-top bachelorette party she wants.”

“Right. Amelia,” Riley nodded to herself, “I’m doing this for her.”

“I think you do too much for her, Ri,” Max clucked at her like a mother hen, “She takes advantage of your generous nature.”

“Oh, Max, it’s fine. You only get married once!”

He arched an eyebrow at her.

“Okay,” a giggle burst out of her, “Hopefully, she only gets married once!”

“Frankly, I’m surprised she found anyone willing to marry her. Is there something wrong with him?”

“Max!” Riley laughed as she thumped him playfully on the shoulder before turning serious. “I just hope we’re able to take off tomorrow as planned.” Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and she had promised her mother she’d be home so she could spend Christmas day with her parents and siblings.

“I wouldn’t count on it.”

Riley turned toward the voice to find the pilot striding toward them. Captain Liam Rys stopped in front of the flight attendants to announce, “There’s a blizzard headed straight for us.”

“Maybe we could just fly out right now—” Riley started hopefully.

“That’s a negative,” Liam cut her off, “that would put me over my flight limit for the day. We’ll proceed to the hotel as planned and hope for the best but be prepared to spend Christmas here.”

“Remind me why you agreed to fly into Estonia, the blizzard capital of the world, two days before Christmas?” Max grumbled.

Liam’s eyes flicked to him in annoyance. “Because of the obscene amount of money Mr. Lassiter was willing to pay for me to do so. You’ll thank me when you get your next paycheck and there’s a substantial bonus on it, on top of the holiday bonus you just received.”

“It’s okay,” Max shrugged with a tinge of disappointment in his tone, “My brother is in Japan anyway.”

Liam’s expression softened a little. “I’m sure he wishes he could spend Christmas with you.”

“Well, he’s flying with Leo, which he loves. I’m just disappointed that we’re almost never assigned to the same flight.”

Liam averted his eyes, unwilling to tell Max that was on purpose. Bertrand had requested that Max not be on the same flight as himself after the younger Beaumont’s enthusiasm became embarrassing for him. Max had gushed to a passenger about his pride in his older sibling, proudly articulating that, “My brother’s the co-pilot. He’s really good at it. He’s almost good enough to be the pilot!”

Liam shuffled his feet awkwardly, then nodded at Max, “Yes, well…. See you at the hotel.”

“You will?” Max’s head whipped around in surprise. Liam had never expressed an interest in seeing him outside of work before.

“Well, he was a little snippy,” Riley observed as Liam disappeared down the sky bridge.

“But did he seem….I don’t know…interested in-“ a flush crawled up his neck and then flared across his face, “Never mind. Of course not.”

Riley’s brow furrowed. “Interested in what?”

“Nothing. Let’s just get this cabin cleaned up so we can go.”

***

Riley awoke the next morning to sheets of snow pouring from the sky, blanketing the city in white as far as she could see from her hotel window. Which wasn’t that far. The snow was coming down too fast and too thick for her to see past the parking lot.

“Shit!” She aggressively pulled the curtains closed and dove back under the covers.

***

“So, what have you two been up to all day?” Liam asked as the four-member flight crew sat down for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

“Well, I slept in, then I called my mom to let her know I wouldn’t be making it home today and probably not tomorrow either. Then I drown my sorrows in a steaming hot bubble bath.” Riley responded as she pulled the menu over to her.

“Yeah, but then we saw a movie,” Max reminded her. Turning to Liam, he rambled excitedly, “This hotel has a theater in it. There was popcorn and everything! And then we took a cooking class! Can you believe that? The hotel chef hosts a class here once a week, but they did an extra class today because it snowed everyone in.”

Liam smiled at Max’s enthusiasm. “That sounds like fun. Now I feel boring. I read all day. Drake, what about you?”

“What about me?” Drake was busy shoveling a complimentary roll into his mouth.

Riley laughed. “Have you not been listening to the conversation? He wants to know what you did to keep busy today, you dork.”

Drake grabbed his water glass and chugged the cold liquid down to cover the fact that he had not heard a word of the conversation since Riley stopped talking. He was still picturing her in that bubble bath. When he sat the glass down, he responded, “I did my usual morning workout. The gym here is excellent. Since I couldn’t go for a run, I hit the heavy bags and then swam a few laps.”

“How many is a few?” Max asked.

“Twenty.” Drake’s eyes flicked to Max as he answered before landing quickly back on Riley’s face searching for any clue that she was impressed, or at least interested in him.

Not that he cared. She was a coworker, and he didn’t date coworkers.

“All before lunch?” She raised an eyebrow.

He wasn’t sure if she found his morning activities impressive or stupid. Her expression gave away nothing. “I find it hard to sit still,” he answered.

Liam scoffed, “You sit in the cockpit for hours at a time.”

“First of all, that’s different. I’m doing plenty as you well know and second of all, that’s why I need more physical movement when I’m on the ground.”

“Makes sense to me!” Max nodded emphatically as the waitress arrived with the menus.

They ordered their food and ate while making companionable chit chat. After dinner, Max suggested they continue the night across the lobby.

The hotel bar was crowded. The four coworkers quickly parted in the crowd. Drake and Liam navigated to a small table in the back and ordered drinks.

“You don’t want to ask her to dance?” Liam nodded across the room to the dance floor where Max and Riley were laughing and twirling to the music.

Drake followed Liam’s eyes and froze as he watched her sway and shimmy to the thump of heavy base. “I don’t dance.”

“I’ve seen you dance.”

“Not well.”

“So, you’re worried about embarrassing yourself in front of her?”

“What? No!” Drake reached for the tumbler of single malt scotch as the server placed it on the table in front of him and took a long pull as his mind spun with ways to shift the conversation away from his nonexistent love life. “What’s going on with you and Max?”

Liam startled so hard that bourbon sloshed over the rim of his glass. He stared at Drake in a blind panic. “What do you mean?”

“I mean….you usually pay no attention to what the flight attendants are doing when we have layovers. Yet you invited everyone to dinner tonight and you’re the one that was watching them dance. I’m pretty sure you’re not into Riley because if you were, you wouldn’t be pushing me toward her. So that leaves Max. Tell me I’m wrong.”

He lowered his glass to the table with a sigh. “It’s that obvious?”

“To me, but I’ve known you for a long time, Li.”

Liam blew out a long breath. “Shit.”

“Why don’t you just tell him you’re interested?”

“No,” Liam shook his head vigorously, “I can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“So many reasons! Starting with the fact that I’m his boss and that’s a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.”

“Not if he likes you back,” Drake countered.

“That’s not likely.”

Again, Drake asked, “Why not?”

Liam scoffed as he gestured toward the dance floor. “I mean, look at him! He’s fun and popular and hilariously funny. And look at those dance moves! He’s interesting and cool. What could he possibly see in me?”

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short, man.”

“I’m a stick in the mud and you know it. I was the president of my debate team. He was the lead in his school’s production of Beetle Juice.”

“How do you know- “

“Bertrand told me.”

“So, you’ve been pumping his brother for information?”

“Not the point. He’s amazing and fun and talented and I’m….me.”

“Liam, come on, man, you-“

“When I was twelve, I read law books for fun.”

“Geez, okay. Never mind. You’re definitely going to die alone.”

“Shut up,” Liam laughed, “I know you think I’m being dramatic.“

“You fly planes for a living,” Drake reminded him. “In my experience, a lot of people find that sexy.”

“Yes, well, I know your experience is quite extensive in that area but-“

“Are you calling me a man whore?”

“If the shoe fits….” Liam muttered into his drink.

“Insult me all you want, but it isn’t going to change the fact that you’ve got it bad. You should just tell him.”

“Oh, okay, Mr. I don’t like Riley.”

Fuck. Drake took another long drink. The conversation had come full circle. His eyes drifted across the room to find her again. She was still with Max.

***

Riley led Max off the dance floor and to a table as she flagged down a server for some water. “What’s up with you tonight?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’ve been acting squirely all night and you keep looking around like you’re searching for somebody. What’s that about?”

Max flushed, “Ah….I think I might have a thing for Liam.”

“Wait…what?” Riley shrieked, then clapped her hands over her mouth.

“I don’t know….” Max dropped his eyes to the table. “I mean, you know, he’s hot or whatever.”

“Max!” She slapped his shoulder. “Since when? And why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged. “Just recently I’ve started to notice him more, that’s all. He’s always being nice to me and- “

“He’s nice to everyone.”

“I know, but it’s more than that! I can’t explain it, okay? It’s just…the way he looks at me sometimes….”

“I have never seen you act shy before! You hit on that model last week!”

“Oh, him? Yeah, but that was just--”

“That man is an international star, and you had zero qualms asking for his snap.”

“I know, but- “

“And he gave it to you!”

“Sure, but Liam isn’t just a pretty face, Riley! He’s so fucking smart and serious. He’s sophisticated, and there’s just no way he’d be into a goofball like me.”

“Ah, Maxey, anyone with half a brain would be into you.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my best friend.”

“Yes. But also because it’s true.”

“No, it’s not. I’m the general fuckup in my family. Just ask Bertrand. Or my father.”

“Max, you’re not a fuckup!” Riley admonished. “You’re just different from your brother and father, thank God! I’m sorry, I know you love him, but Bertrand is the most boring man alive, and your father is a dick, so please don’t judge yourself by his opinion of you.”

“Bert’s not boring. He just had to grow up fast. My father put a lot of pressure on him and he, unlike me, rose to the challenge. I mean, look at us. He’s a pilot and I’m a flight attendant. Do you remember what my father said when I told him I wanted to be a flight attendant?”

“Yes, but on the bright side, it was the first time he acknowledged your sexual orientation.”

Max snorted, “That’s not funny, Riley.”

“You laughed.”

He bumped her shoulder with his own with an amused shake of his head, “If your point is that my father is a homophobic, controlling, abusive asshole whose opinion should mean nothing to me or anyone else with a lick of self-respect, then point taken.” He lifted his glass to her.

She lifted hers and tapped it into his with a grin. “My work here is done. Now go over there and ask him to shoot darts or something.”

***

“All right, well, this has been fun, but I’m going up to bed now.” Liam pushed away from the table and stood up, stretching as he did so.

“You really are a stick in the mud,” Drake laughed as the server cleared their table and asked if he could get them anything else. “Yeah, an unopened bottle of what we’ve been drinking tonight.”

Liam turned to go but froze as a voice that sent heat shocking through him spoke, “Hey…Liam….you wanna…go play darts or something?”

He turned to find Max smiling at him. Trying to push down the rising panic in his throat, his eyes flicked to Drake, who just gave him an amused smile, then back to Max, who looked uncharacteristically nervous. “Uh…. sure.”

“Great!” Relief washed across Max’s features. Then he remembered himself and begrudgingly turned to include Drake in the invitation. “Would you like to join us?”

“Nah, I’m good. You two go ahead. I’ve got a bottle of top-shelf whiskey, and this hotel has steak on their room service menu. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay then, goodnight and Merry Christmas,” Liam didn’t meet Drake’s eyes as he waved bye and then followed Max to the dart boards lined up against the far wall.

Drake chuckled to himself as he took the bottle from the server and thrust a handful of bills at him. He started for the door, then thought better of it and backtracked to the bar, reaching across and grabbing a clean tumbler to take to his room with him.

He had to dodge a bunch of drunk people on his way back, causing him to veer off course until he was damn near on the other side of the room.

It wasn’t so much that he saw her as he felt her presence. His head lifted and his eyes somehow went straight to her despite the dozen or so people between him and the table she was seated at. Without making a conscious decision, his body angled in her direction, and he made his way over to her, reminding himself the whole way that he didn’t get involved with coworkers.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Gonna write a bit of ATLA meta about Uncle Iroh.

Since I saw a post that rubbed me the wrong way, but in the opposite of the way posts about Iroh usually rub me the wrong way, so I'll need a bit of a lead up to explain why both approaches are wrong. Spoilers ahead.

When people look back on a story, they tend to compress it in their minds, as though everything happened all at once. People have a static image of Camelot that includes both Merlin and Lancelot, even though they were never both at Camelot at the same time.

And I think when people look back at Avatar: The Last Airbender, they look at it knowing that Zuko joins the Gaang in the end, and knowing that, they forget how Zuko looks and what Zuko does at the start of the story. Because Zuko is a pretty unambiguous classic cartoon villain at the start of the story.

He's substantially more powerful than the protagonists (look at how easily he bats Sokka out of the way.) His goals are in direct opposition to the protagonists' goals, and if he is successful it will be disastrous to both them and the world. And like most cartoon villains, he's personally a dick: he's constantly angry/impatient, he lashes out, his introduction isn't quite like Azula's where she tells the ship's captain that she expects him to be more afraid of her than the tides, but he does treat the lives of his crew as disposable in an early episode, when there's a storm. (He gets better at the end of the episode, call that foreshadowing.) He's even got a scar on his face, in the long tradition of physically disfigured villains.

And once you've watched the whole show once, sure, it's hard to see him that way. And you can point to some signs that he was going to come around -- he didn't kill anyone (that we know of), when Aang let himself be captured in exchange for Zuko leaving the village alone, he did leave it alone, rather than backing out on his promise once he could. But so what? Plenty of unrepentant villains have a sense of honor and will keep their word, makes for interesting stories.

The point I'm trying to make is: there is only so much one show can do, only so much story they can get in to one story. And in that finite amount of story, they spent a TON of time showing the audience that no matter how much of a villain someone looks to be at first, that villain is still a person.

And they also spend a lot of time showing other people are people. Random Earth Kingdom civilians like Haru. Random Earth Kingdom guerilla fighters like Jet. When we get to the Northern Water Tribe, we find a bunch of people who are just people: old men who are set in their misogynistic ways but maybe can be coaxed into changing, young men who are kind of jerks (but who still don't deserve to die at the hands of an invasive force), young women torn between their own desires and their sense of duty, people people people. And when we get flashbacks to the Air Nomads, they're people: some more serious, some more fun and flighty, just people. And when we get to the Fire Nation, they're just people.

So let's look at the rest of the Fire Nation royal family. Azula's a sympathetic villain: she's scary, she's dangerous, she does appalling things, we see her suffering and the show gives us enough information about her and her family's dynamics, the way their father played them off against each other, to see why she did what she did. Azula ends the story in a situation similar to the one where Zuko is at the start: Zuko starts having lost everything and nearly everyone who ever mattered to him; Azula ends having lost everything and everyone. And we don't see that with Ozai, all we get of a potentially softer side of Ozai is a picture of him as a small child, but it's a short story and there's only so much time and it's not really about Ozai, and surely we can infer that there is something like Azula's story in his, something going on where to him his actions made sense.

Something going on where if you had Ozai's life, his background, his circumstances, his worldview, maybe you would act the same.

What I mean is, Zuko did not become a person because he stopped being a villain. His personhood was there when he was a villain, and was still there when he joined the heroes. And Azula's personhood and her villainhood can coexist. And Ozai's villainhood and personhood, with a little extrapolation, can coexist.

And Iroh. The Dragon of the West, the general of the great siege of Ba Sing Se. He's one person. He doesn't need to be split, either you ignore the harm he did or you decide that the harm he did means he must suffer for it, must be punished for it. He can be a person, and a person who did harm, and a person who did harm for reasons that made sense to him at the time, this is all one thing, it is all there in the story, not all of it is there for Iroh because it is not Iroh's story, but if you look at Zuko's story and Azula's and Chit Sang (guy at the boiling rock they tried to escape with) and Jet and Jeong Jeong and Hama and Yon Rha and Hei Bai, and how things went down with Aang in the Avatar Day episode (ie the town that wanted to punish him for a very old murder that the Avatar did, and they were in the wrong for that even though the Avatar did kill the person they said the Avatar killed) and what happened in The Great Divide (ie that ultimately it didn't matter who was at fault) it's all there in other parts of the story, you can extrapolate.

Iroh doesn't need to be punished, not by anyone else and not by himself in the form of feeling agonized over the harm he caused (much as I love angst in fiction.) Nobody needs to be punished; suffering is bad, causing more suffering does not make other people's suffering less. And he doesn't need to be innocent and pure to not deserve punishment. He's not innocent. He did a lot of harm. We can infer that he caused that harm for reasons that made sense to him at the time, whether they make sense to him in retrospect or not and whether he actually did have better options under the circumstances, which he may well not have. We're all people. We're all people. We're all people.

Like it or not, agree with it or not, ATLA is about forgiveness, about not seeking revenge, about not increasing the amount of suffering in the world by taking an eye for an eye. The story did not punish Zuko for having started on the wrong side, even though he started out as a stereotypical cartoon villain and he would have caused unspeakable devastation to the world if he'd succeeded at his initial goal. And it would not punish Iroh for what he did. And anyone looking for either a way to completely exonerate Iroh -- pretend he has never done anything harmful in his life -- or to criticize the show for not having him punished for his wrongdoing, has completely missed the central theme of the show.

Which is not separate from any imperialism/colonialism is bad messaging you want to draw from it. The show is not claiming colonialism is bad because it sides specifically with the Water Tribe or with everyone-but-the-Fire-Nation. It's against colonialism because...colonialism is bad...for people. Who have inherent value, whose lives have inherent value, whose lives do not stop having inherent value when they harm other people. It's one message.

[katzirra]

I sure do be feeling a lot of bad things about my relationship with art these days lmfao, and I really don't know how to fix them and overcome them anymore.

It's like... there's such conflict about like... if you complain about the nature of social media people either are like YEAH!! or there's this weird thing I'm seeing now where people are getting mad at people bringing up the importance of reblogs as like attention seeking begging and shit like?? LIKES ARE NICE, I LOVE LIKES but like reblogs are how people actually SEE your stuff?

A like is like ah nice, scrolls past, a reblog is like MAN I WANNA LOOK AT THIS LATER or like it MEANT something to someone. But people act like that's so wrong artists are bummed out over engagement with shit lmao?? We're just selfish little hogs or something.

Or there's like this long standing thing about artists being bothered they don't know what to draw to get that engagement and people are like "DRAW FOR YOURSELF!!" like bitch, I been doing that because tumblr and twitter fucking drove that nail in lobotomy style - and it's making me sad because I feel like the more I like a piece, the SADDER I am when no one else engages with it or it's like 25 people??

Felix use to get alarming notes at times, now it's like feh, nothing? So, I tried drawing for fandoms I was passionate in - which got me a lot of people I care for, but also a lot of needless drama I hated and didn't ask for and that caused a LOT OF ISSUES when I even TRIED to stay out of it LMAO good LORD.

Even doing the Xig blog lately, I've been like okay I'm gonna stick with it because a WEIRD AMOUNT OF PEOPLE engaged with that poll I posted and I was like okay, that's a substantial amount of people who want that content, and even on the blog itself THAT poll was like OH. OKAY?? Because honestly, I feel like I'm on a weird blocklist or something or people don't like my art in the fandom so it's a weird place to be for me :))!! But I know people send me really sweet messages sometimes or sometimes I get amazingly sweet tag comments or people REALLY like an answer to something and it tickles their brain and that makes me happy but like??

I spend hours on that shit and it barely hits 100 unless it's a meme post usually and I dunno, I feel selfish all the time for being bummed about that. I'll spend days on some of them and be like SO PROUD and then just - the low engagement I'm like man, am I wasting my time? AM I STUPID? AM I TOO OLD TO BE HERE NOW, TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY? IS MY ART BAD? IS IT?? DO I JUST SUCK??? AM I NOT SELF AWARE??

It's weird how I see so many times people like my style or whatever, and like I know people still stick around for it, and I see so many artists post such GRAB BAGS of fandoms and stay strong in engagement and I just always feel like I'm doing something wrong or bad lmao?? Not supposed to talk about your feelings anymore, but also supposed to be engaging and personal on this here hellsite lmao??

I've been doodling shit at work and just feel tired all the time because I don't even want to finish anything anymore. I thumbnail mini comics that are like 5-10 pages of things that I think would be nice to do, I thumbnail out the backgrounds, thumbnail out bigger samples of poses and stuff and feel a little excited about how nice I could make it, and I just... know the energy put into it wouldn't be worth it because it'll be something I finish and am excited to post and no one will care.

Okay not no one, but like who is really gonna put fucking hours and hours of work into something that's gonna fall flat on it's face. I do that enough already! I over the last few years have posted so much stuff I was actually proud of and just felt....stupid for being happy and no one engaging with it. And then feeling more stupid and GUILTY because I'm upset about it?? LMAO LIKE WHAT KIND OF EMOTIONAL GARBAGE IS THAT?? And I'm barely online these days too beyond randomly scrolling shit to see what my friends that I barely feel relevant to talk to are doing in their lives nfjgkh I've lost all personalableness... that's not a word but we keep goin' lmao

It's like boy howdy, this kinda like ennui gets met with the whole ooooh two cakes and ohhhh but it'll be someone's favorite and blah blah - PBBT PBBTTT PBTTTT I GET IT!! But like, I'm sorry, I need more validation that I'm not wasting my fucking time. Because that's kind of all I feel these days is that I'm just wasting my time... which is sad. But ya'know some asshole will also be like "so stop" like thanks, thanks kiddo. That's the kind of shit I need I guess. Just stop. Just give up!

It's like, keep struggling, or just stop. Both options kinda fucking blow. But I've also tried to just stop caring about numbers and engagement - but I've noticed all my friends have slowly stopped posting art too. Busy and tired.

I wanna be excited to post art again, man. I miss when I'd post Marvel shit and actually have hilarious engagement and made friends and had fun conversations.

I miss when I'd post a Xig post and I'd see a tag and end up having a conversation in someone's ask box back and forth because I made some little easter egg or HC they were really into and were curious about more.

I dunno :)) bitching for no reason I guess. Shuts up and draws my stupid little pictures.

I feel like the only reason I keep doing art anymore is because I'm grasping some thread of hoping social media flops over again an engagement booms again LMAO - and also like, I have 3 patrons that ya'know. I'M FUCKING TRYING TO KEEP DESPERATELY LMAO.... Patreon pays for my fucking vet bills at this point and I'm obnoxiously thankful for those people but just fuck idk.

I'm doing everything wrong anymore it feels like but whatever!!

Maybe I just don't try hard enough lmao. Just not meant to be an online artist anymore. After 20 years, I'm still fighting this hard for mild engagement? What kind of fuck up, am I lmao holy shit.

[riastarthe]

what pisses me off the most in my unfortunately time-consuming process of deciding whether or not a character will be trans, is that there's a shift from "developing a story" to "debating the weighty sins and Meaning, Significance of manhood, along the same lines and employing the same discourse words as is done all day every day 25/8 well outside the bounds of fiction."

i am suddenly weighing the world against the little world i'm making. a cis guy is the default palette, a thing on which everyone is allowed to project and make as Good or as Bad as we like— a cis guy can carry a story and themes and motifs pass thru him, he is Problematic or even Evil, but we're allowed to love him! encouraged, even! (and it's not unique to be told to love a cis guy.) so a cis guy symbolising some criticism of All Guys is one thing. but a trans guy even just perceived as such carries entirely different weight. that bugs me. to me it matters, And, equally as much, it doesn't. i spend x amount of time tossing a character back and forth in my head (because setting out with strict intent is a bit difficult for me— everything builds all together) so what happens is either the narrative completes itself so neatly so tightly that a character gets locked in as they are— cis included— or... something else happens, i break out of the SAW trap i created for myself and they're allowed to be trans. trans is more complicated, you see :) so it is never arbitrary :)

and it really sucks to think that even if i put in the work— or if i didn't! if i just freaked it!— that i could write something that seems to agree with or invite the type of catty stupid bitchbrained cruelty that people approach trans men with and theorise about trans men like they're not in the room. that something indulgent and honest would somehow be used to substantiate and inflame the already-fucked real life interpretations of trans men as a whole (down to/irrespective of the biggest or smallest detail) is so terrible to imagine, it's such a gutpunch. i know this is a problem i've constructed/i've let it be constructed around me, but that doesn't make it any easier to break.

how is it possible that we (well, me i guess) let cisness be a safely neutral default. jesus that's so fucking SAD. oh this guy is bad and perhaps we can accept it isn't BECAUSE he's trans, but because he IS trans, everything he does is filtered through transness, his actions are no longer his own, they are both symbolic and metaphorical and literal and justify how everyone thinks of us. an ultra divorced deadbeat dad is a cool guy to think about. an ultra divorced deadbeat TRANS dad is a betrayal to himself, his family, his community (like he has one) his obligations to society and to you dear reader.

a big thing i think about is "is this time period appropriate." of course it fucking isn't, he'd be dead. it's a fantasy. most fantastical aspect of story. undermines attempted realism of other aspects. fucking sucks ass god damn it!!!!!!!!!!!

[fireofjudgement]

Kind of a spoiler ask, but in the hospital reader is kind of roaming about. She keeps being drawn to one room so she finally goes inside. She sees niragi and chishiya. They see her. There’s this feeling like deja vu, but none of them can place it.

Reader and niragi kind of stare at each other for a minute. Reader starts feeling emotional but doesn’t show it, maybe her eyes get shiny with tears slightly.

She apologizes for bursting into their room and excuses herself

Bestie, I liked that idea so much, I had to write a little something. For some reason I kinda made it a Niragi pov, I hope that's okay.

--

Other places, familiar faces

Warnings: swearing, some angst, gn!reader

Word count: 804

"So, what's your plan?" He finally decided to break the silence. Afterall, they were most likely about to spend multiple days stuck in a small room together. They might as well get to know each other. Or at least pretend to - just one of these circumstantial interactions that only last for a specific amount of time and never turn into anything substantial. Although Niragi would lie if he said the man didn't intrigue him, something about him seemed so familiar, despite Chishiya being a complete stranger. Maybe it was their shared experience? Yeah, that had to be it. "You know, turning your life around, becoming a better person, and all that bullshit."

"I don't have one." The man answered in a calm tone. Niragi still wasn't sure whether he found it soothing or annoying. Or maybe, somehow, both. "I'm not even sure if you can really plan to become a good person."

"Well, I certainly didn't plan to become a villain either." He wasn't really sure why, but for some reason Chishiya's answer disappointed him. It almost felt like an attack on him specifically. "And yet everyone I've ever met thought they were better than me, and that they can treat me like shit because of it." 

"I don't-"

Chishiya didn't get to finish his thought, distracted by something, or rather someone, outside of the room. He couldn't see very well, but they didn't look like anyone he'd know. Not that he had people who'd care about his well-being anyway.

"What is it?"

"I'm not sure. I think someone's trying to get in here. I wonder what's stopping them. The door isn't even locked."

"Why do you care anyway? You don't look like someone who's got a lot of friends. And I sure as hell don't either." 

"Maybe. But that doesn't change the fact that someone's there. Maybe one of us has a secret admirer." Chishiya couldn't help but make the last part sound extra ironic. The thought of either of the men having someone so interested in them that they got shy even trying to face them was rather laughable. But he was willing to entertain it, admittedly curious as to why, out of all the rooms available, that poor soul chose theirs.

After what seemed like an eternity, the door finally opened. Slowly, quietly. If it wasn't for Chishiya, Niragi would probably not even notice your presence, you didn't even try to make up an excuse for why you entered the room. Truth be told, you didn't really know yourself. Something was drawing you to that specific part of the hospital, a quiet, yet persistent, voice telling you to go explore. You spent hours fighting yourself, part of you curious about the two strangers, part of you embarrassed by invading their privacy like that, especially given the circumstances. All of that inner turmoil made it impossible for you to move, or even say anything, your emotions so visible, your face like an open book for them to read.

The two men didn't react immediately either, only prolonging the awkward silence. None of you said it out loud, but this wasn't the first time you met, that much was obvious. You didn't know how or why, when or where, you couldn't recall any memory of talking to either of them, and neither could they. But the longer you stood there, the more overwhelming it all became. Looking at the dark-haired man was especially painful, and, unbeknownst to you, he felt quite uncomfortable as well. He wasn't used to feeling like that. Like he cared about someone other than himself.

Niragi wanted to say something, solve the mystery and keep you from leaving but, after mere seconds, or maybe a few years? you excused yourself, your words barely a whisper, and ran out of the room. He could swear he saw tears running down your face as you were leaving. 

"That your ex or something?" As soon as you disappeared, he was forced back into reality by Chishiya's question. The man was trying to act as unbothered as possible, but he wasn't fooling anyone - Niragi could see that he, too, was more upset at the sudden intrusion than he was willing to admit.

"No, I don't.." He sighed, feeling a headache slowly creeping up on him. That topic has always been awkward for him. "I'm not like that."

"It's okay." Chishiya chuckled, clearly not surprised by Niragi's answer, but amused nonetheless. "I've never cared for relationships either."

"Well, then I guess we have one thing in common."

He didn't answer immediately, still pondering your visit in their room, trying to figure out why it affected both of them so much in the first place. 

"You know.." He finally spoke, still deep in his thoughts. "We might have more in common than you think."

[meglosthegreat]

Trigun Stampede: Losing More than July (A Review)

I was expecting Trigun Stampede to be bad. There's a certain amount of trepidation; a hefty grain of salt with which any fan of something takes an announcement of a reboot or a remaster. So I was expecting Stampede to be bad, because it was safer than hoping it would be good.

I was wrong. Trigun Stampede wasn't bad. It was just disappointing, and to me, that was so much worse.

[Non-specific spoilers for Stampede and the '98 Anime follow]

I could start by listing all of the ways Stampede was good, followed by all of the ways that it was not so good, conclude that while it has its faults, it's still a fun watch with great visuals and animation, and recommend that everyone checks both it and the '98 anime out to form their own opinions on it. But that would be boring, so I'm instead going to elaborate on why exactly Stampede let me down in particular, and why I think it managed to squander a huge amount of what makes Trigun special to begin with.

You see, Stampede, in my opinion, commits a cardinal sin of storytelling: it fails to adequately characterize its main protagonist.

Now, there are many stories out there that enact this sin as a deliberate choice. Trigun is very much not one of those stories. The story of Trigun is the story of Vash, its protagonist, and the framework of the plot exists to build up and reveal his character. So when Trigun Stampede opened by immediately showing us a defining moment in Vash's backstory, I knew this show was headed off the rails fast, likely never to return.

The earliest episodes of the '98 anime are often seen as weaker in comparison to later ones; as 'filler' episodes that do little to advance the overarching plot. Several of them are not even adapted from the manga and were created entirely for the show. But this does not mean that they have no purpose - in fact, they are an essential part of the experience, forming the foundation upon which the rest of the show is built.

These episodes contain few important characters and have relatively low stakes, but what they supply in droves is characterization. You learn about Vash the Stampede by watching how he reacts to these low-stakes scenarios, and this creates a baseline; certain established patterns of behaviour that you are then able to track as the main story kicks off. The reason later episodes hit harder and harder as you see Vash struggle to maintain his beliefs is because you have previously established this baseline. The choices he makes as the story progresses then become surprising, shocking, or tragic and inevitable based on your knowledge of the character up to this point.

Stampede, on the other hand, takes no time to do this. Out of the gate, it bombards you with exposition, revealing Vash's origins and setting up the conflict with his brother that spans the rest of the series. There is no opportunity to see Vash in low-stakes conflict, and so you do not get to establish the baseline against which to compare his future actions. Vash's unique moral compass is the defining trait of his character, and to not take the time to cement that in actions leaves further plot beats and choices feeling weightless; un-grounded in anything substantial.

You might think that because Stampede chooses to delve into Vash's backstory so early on and with such great depth, the more subtle and slow-burning approach to the character that is present in the '98 anime is perhaps unneeded. But knowing where a character comes from and knowing the deeply-held moral tenets that drive them in everything they do are two very different things. The story of Trigun itself is proof of that - look at Vash and Knives, two people who share exactly the same origin who nonetheless developed in radically different ways. Revealing Vash's backstory does nothing to reveal his character on its own - for that you need actions, reactions, and deliberate choices. And when you spend as much runtime as Stampede does delivering history instead of the present, you find yourself with few of those character-defining moments to explore.

The backstory reveals in the '98 anime come much later - long after you as the viewer have come to know Vash as a character. At this point in the story, you already know everything you need to know about him. That the majority of our missing knowledge of Vash's past is shown in the second-to-last episode is no mistake: it shows us that the events of the past are less important than the beliefs you hold in the present. You don't need to know exactly where Vash came from and what happened to him before the story began, because you know the person he is now, and no amount of further information is going to change that.

And that's all that the lore-heavy flashback sequences in Stampede are: information. Answers to questions that the viewer doesn't even think to ask, because the story never allows us room to wonder. My first ever viewing of the '98 anime will always remain a special experience, because Vash's true nature and the nature of the world were hinted at slowly, giving me time to ponder and theorize about what these hints could mean. This experience is why I fell in love with Trigun in the first place, and if Stampede had instead been my initial introduction to the series, I daresay it would never have held the special place in my heart that it does to this day.

I can forgive a lot of the missteps that I think Stampede takes, and I can learn to live with others. The bizarre exclusion of Milly and the lacklustre character of Roberto, the injection of late elements from the manga into the early stages of the story, and even the complete shift in genre and tone to something only vaguely resembling a Western. But Vash the Stampede is the core of Trigun; the axis upon which the entire story turns, and for Stampede to have dropped the ball so heavily on basic characterization is something I resent the series deeply for.

If Trigun Stampede had simply been bad, it would not have been nearly so disappointing. But because it's shiny and new, because it has legitimately good animation and a largely engaging story, it will be many peoples' introduction to Trigun, and watching it will immediately negate a great deal of the intrigue and incredible tension of the '98 anime and of the manga by extension. I am therefore disappointed not for myself, but for all those who will not be able to experience Trigun in the same way that I once did - the way, I believe, that the story was meant to be experienced.

In short, if you've gotten this far and you have not yet watched Trigun Stampede, I encourage you to watch the '98 anime or to read the manga first. Be warned, though: you may find Stampede to be disappointing as a result.

[kozykricket]

Brewing and Food Thoughts (#1 - Potions)

ah, finally, something to motivate me to write - procrastinating writing something for school!

So, here we are! Brewing is in a weird spot in minecraft right now, yeah? We can all agree there. its not in a terrible spot like enchanting, but its not in a good spot either. most potions are irrelevant. I'm not necessarily going to spend a lot of time on what makes good potion effects, but i AM going to talk about how i would change the mechanics to -Promote using potions -Include creativity in the ideally WHIMSICAL and EXPERIMENT-BASED brewing process -change the brewing process to just, be more balanced and coherent lets first talk about potion effects and consumables a bit though. So well, i think people use potions more if the game nudges them to. Razbuten made a good video on why he doesn't use consumables in games, and I think its a good video. I think you can apply that to potions, because the only ones people really use often are slow falling for the dragon, fire resistance for fortresses/the nether in general, and water breathing for ocean activities. the game nudges you to use them because... its definitely a disadvantage if you arent using a potion here, rather than merely an advantage to be using one. So I think thats something the games balance could have some more design around. Have certain moments where the player thinks "ah, i should definitely use a potion here!" although... then they have to go through the mildly tedious process of using potions, which... yeah, theres a lot of friction to actually using potions. I say make the benefit feel substantial and worth it, or make potions easier to manage But honestly, I want to spend more time talking about the basis for a whimsical, experiment-based brewing rework everyone and their mother has thought about potions and cauldrons - they're very connected in every other piece of media and such. Yet unless you're in bedrock, they dont have any relation. I think... the cauldron, or perhaps a cauldron with a slot for fuel under it, would be a perfect way to make a new sort of brewing stand. Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets talk fuel, first. They made brewing stands require blaze powder to brew potions at all, which was... odd, because it was an update later that they made brewing stands appear in the overworld... i dont think it was a great way to balance things. theres now like, 3 vibe checks to make sure you've been to a nether fortress specifically. blaze rods to craft one (unless you're lucky), blaze powder as fuel, and nether warts for almost every potion what if i want to make a splash water bottle though? what if i wanted to make some hypothetical weak... pre nether wart potions? Well, it just wouldnt be possible if we keep blaze powder as the fuel. or as the ONLY fuel. which is where i take some inspiration from the mod "Extra Alchemy" which lets you use campfires to fuel brewing stands slowly, and say... different sources of heat should be able to fuel cauldrons, and the hotter it is, the more consistent it would be, and perhaps it would even be a gate towards more powerful potions. Heat-based progression. soul fire could be somewhat of a sidegrade, even, making potions more potent but always adding a very potent negative effect, for example Anyways, to the actual brewing: Whats something you see in a lot of typical "witch brewing potions in her evil cauldron" tropes and such? Strange ingredients. Odd mushrooms, some frog legs, some strange dusts and oozes. I think applying that to potions... would be great. What I mean by that is ... imagine tinkers construct, but for potions. You add certain items into the cauldron, and they increase some stats for it. I mean, these stats could correlate to the effects that it comes out with. You could have so many different like, stats of a potion, like the max amount of effects it is able to obtain from the ingredients, the potency, the length, and whether the effects are negative or not. (1/2)

[wwwwwvwwvwwvwvwvwvwv]

little camp stove

I'm taking a welding class, and we have some time in the class to work on whatever we want. i ended up spending a few weeks worth of classes making this little wood stove intended to be used for camping.

i was inspired to make this after finding that material with all of the little holes in it. the principle is straightforward, it just sucks in air from the bottom and makes the fire happen because heat goes up. the thing itself came out really nicely. I think it looks cool, and putting it together was fun

here's a video of the first burning, with my cute little mini firewood that i had to chop up to fit inside

of course, being that this was my first attempt at designing the stove, the issues came up when testing it. the principle of burning the wood worked exactly as intended, and the fire was great. i didn't take the smoke into account, though. it turns out there's a reason that wood stoves have an exhaust pipe and don't just billow the smoke directly onto your food.

here you can see that our test hot dogs are receiving a nice coating of carcinogens from the fire. i took a bite out of one of these hot dogs and the nasty chemically taste of the smoke and whatever other bullshit was coming out coated the inside of my mouth for like 2 hours

using a pan wasn't enough to save it, either. it turns out that obstructing the airflow with the pan conveniently creates a low pressure zone that sucks all of the smoke directly to where your food is

this thing is definitely doing a great job of burning the wood at least. unfortunately, though, the smoke issue makes this thing pretty much unusable. it's not useful as a cooker because of the smoke coating your food, and it's not useful as a heater because to be in a space small enough for it to heat would mean you're going to die of smoke inhalation before you get even warm. it's still cool, though, and i'm happy to keep it as an artifact.

this is just a first iteration, and I'm definitely going to try and make an improved stove to address the issues i found when testing this one.

I'm tempted to try and make some modifications to this stove to make it work better, but I think the internal volume of the thing is just too small for it to really produce a substantial amount of heat. If I were going to modify it, though, here are a few things I'd do:

weld a flat plate on top to create a cooking surface that doesnt coat your food in nasty bullshit

cut out an exhaust hole in the back and add in a pipe to get the smoke away from the food

have the door hinge horizontally rather than vertically. when you open the door on this thing the fire erupts out directly onto your arm lol

have an actual door latch instead of using a magnet. magnets stop working when they're really hot and the magnet isn't strong enough to hold the door shut when there's shit inside of it

i'm sure any astute stovist could take a look at my stove and immediately pick out every reason that it wasn't going to work, but what I really wanted to do was just wing it for a project and see what happens. in the end, i think this was a much more useful approach for me to take than it would have been to study stove designs and agonize over how i'm going to put it together. i ended up with a tiny shit stove that's useless, but the experience of conceiving, assembling, and testing it was much more enjoyable to me and a great way to learn. striving for perfection on the first attempt would have ended in me taking way fucking longer to make this, and it still would have just been a first attempt no matter what. it was very helpful for me to just put aside the uncertainty and let whatever happens happen.

i hope you enjoyed this, i want to make more blog posts like this when i make shit. it's a nice way to thought dump and share what i'm doing without sending two thousand messages to all of my friends

[alvcrd]

🌙 s𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬.

tagged by: @cicatriicem ty! tagging: @lunarscaled @judaspriested @monstriiss @ofwitchery @blccdsucker @malxshrine @hhemeraa @sosordid @mellodiies

what does your muse smell like? Alucard isn't really a physical entity persay so I like to think that he takes on the smell of what he consumes/is around him. After a fight or feed? He would smell like gunpowder and the metallic tang of blood. Just resting at the manor he might smell like red wine if he's drinking it or even nothing at all! He can't really get musty because he doesn't sweat or produce bodily odors like a human does, and he prefers to not really bother with fragrances too often because they are WAY too strong for his heightened sense of smell.

what do your muse’s hands feel like? Cold. He wears gloves nearly all the time, so his hands are rather soft. The backs of his palms possess his seals, the same as his gloves except they are literally burned into his skin. Fingers are long, a little bony and tipped in slightly pointed nails.

what does your muse usually eat in a day? So I made a headcanon about this in the past, but Alucard generally has an allotment of around 5 blood bags a day. For Integra, it's a fine line because as powerful as he is he requires a substantial amount of blood to remain healthy, but too much would make him far too powerful. It also seems that Alucard is allowed to indulge as much as he wants before a big fight, since before he went to kill Rip Van Winkle, there's a scene in the manga where he is SURROUNDED by empty blood bags. Furthermore, he isn't opposed to stealing blood from either humans or other vampires while out on a job, as seen during the Rio massacre so I guess the true answer is 'it depends.'

does your muse have a good singing voice? You know this isn't really something I've explored; I'd love to say yes but I'm leaning towards more of an average voice.

does your muse have any bad habits or nervous ticks? He does have his fair share of bad habits; being nosy, no concept of personal space, being blunt to the point of being a dick, but I can't say Alucard has any nervous ticks.

what does your muse usually look like / wear? Alucard can look however he wants! He can take any shape/form/gender, but his default look is his long scrawny body type with mid-back length hair, the black suit and red duster coat. Don't forget the reflective glasses and wide brimmed hat! A look I like to call the carmen sandiego, but it's actually copied from the look Integra's grandfather wore the day he defeated Alucard. He's not particular with clothes, and might only modify what he wears to suit a specific purpose such as blending in with humans as seen with the suit in Rio or to fight such as the leather body suit seen during several battles.

is your muse affectionate? how much? how so? The broad answer to this would be no, but that's not true with specific cases. Alucard does show affection to Integra and Seras, and to his past lover Mina; but generally Alucard isn't the type to do romance, to cuddle or show much outward affection. On rare occasions he does it's almost always in private and with small gestures such as doing little favors for those he cares about, the softening of his expression, inviting them in to spend time around him.

what position does your muse sleep in? Alucard generally falls asleep in his chair, legs crossed and hands either folded in his lap or being used to lean his head against. Rarely does he sleep in his coffin, if only for regenerative purposes. When he's in the coffin he obviously sleeps on his back or just becomes an amorphous blob of black miasma that fills it.

could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room? It depends. His voice has a baritone to it that can probably be heard in a muffled way, but when generally speaking his volume is more on the low side. He doesn't mumble and speaks clearly, but he only raises his voice when angry or excited. When he's loud he's LOUD, and would clearly be able to be heard several rooms over.

[riverssongs13]

Why hello there, you beautiful creature you. You always seem to show up when it feels the heaviest, in my heart of hearts. When I've been flooded with thoughts too unkind to unleash to this world, there your name pops up, in the most unexpected of places, even when you needn't, even when you have your own things to deal with.

Funny how that is, I have been quite apprehensive of the space that connects the two of us, for I was pissed of what happened the days prior. And, well, I have been quite busy being transported to different places, just going where life would take me, and it doesn't always allow me to visit the usual haunts. I feel like I'm giving excuses and alibis, and you deserve not the disservice, but everything has just been too chaotic for me to even show up.

And of course, there's the showing up part that messes up with one's brain. The same way you say you feel like you haven't the right to be in the same space as the people you've recently started meeting when the week ends, it feels like a con; like we are merely fraudulent copies of what people perceive us to be. I feel quite unworthy of your space, of your words, of your time. And quite frankly, it's not even just the imposter syndrome or some other phenomena. It just really is that. I have nothing to offer but stupid quips and echoes of your own brilliance - no substance of my own.

Even the supposed creations I present are merely just garbage filled with nothings that are prettified and presented as a gift, just made up enough to fool the untrained eyes and make them think its important or substantial. But in reality, when one looks at it with actual discerning eyes, they're complete and utter garbage. So when you give your tiny little heart to mine words I'm torn between feeling ecstatic that you appreciate my drivel, and feeling the shame of spouting nonsense in a place where you and your brilliance resides.

Are the tiny little hearts given because you're too polite to not? This may sound reductive but your people are quite known for being polite, and one couldn't help but wonder. Or maybe, maybe because the garbage I spout is about the same universe you and I both love, and so it seems appropriate to present the tiny little hearts of appreciation, no matter the quality of the words presented. Because of course, it's imperative to bestow all the appreciation to Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Reverent Daughter of the House of the Ninth. Even the mere mention of her name requires prostration and complete and total reverence.

And so my brain now turns to silence. I know not of what's to happen but I'm quite certain I shall once again be questing to find whatever amount of happy chemicals I can scrape from my disordered brain. Or not even happy chemicals - the mere absence of soul-crushing agonising sadness is more than enough. Just enough to exist within the day and be able to breathe, not have the heavy load that seems to press on my very being from all sides... Just that silence and peace. I'm not even asking for happiness anymore.

Maybe I'll see you in the usual spaces later. Maybe I'll continue swimming in the pages of a million words. Maybe I'll spend the next day just watching your slow hypnotising soliloquies. Maybe I'll just let the weight of it all crush me. Who knows.

[studyingmithannah]

Chilling before bed with one of the books on my tbr, because I've decided part of how I'm going to make the most of the next two years is by reading books I've enjoyed before and reading different kinds of books, I currently have a list of approximately 67 books I own that I haven't yet read and amongst them are romance books, sci-fi books, horror, fantasy, etc.

I plan on reading as many different genres as I can and expanding my knowledge and hopefully having fun, I also plan on not using my phone or any form of screen for an hour before I sleep each night and instead I'll read so I'm getting started early to hopefully make it a habit.

Speaking of habits, you know every year you go "oh I'll eat something substantial every morning and I'll do my homework as soon as I get it and I'll go to sleep early and get up on time and I'll do this and this and this"? Well I actually plan on doing those things. Not only am I starting sixth form but I am also starting to complete my Silver DofE award and I hope to become healthier and fitter in the process and to build habits that I continue afterwards for example, walking. I want to do a lot more walking and I want to eat healthier, but still have the same amount of energy as I get from a bunch of sugary foods or whatever. And while that isn't entirely study related, I think it'll help me in school if I feel like I have a bunch of energy and I'm fit and healthy because then I'll be taking care of my body and so I'll have more time to actually spend on my studies.

Anyways, reading Skulduggery Pleasant, one of my favourite books from my childhood, I first read this book when I was 10 and I can't wait to read it again.

I hope you all have a good day/night wherever you are and I hope you all manage to drink some water and get something to eat, remember to get some fresh air and breathe, you're all amazing and you've got this.

Love, Hannah x

[cesium-sheep]

tbh I do think letting myself do resin, if it does turn out to be as fun as it looks, really is like the last missing piece in terms of being able to table at fairs. because most of my other crafts are either very time intensive (knitting, crochet, needlefelt, miniatures) or look very small on a display (stickers) or things I'm reeeally not super confident in as standalones rather than parts of a larger piece (sculpting, woodwork), so it's hard to build a full and inviting table with a substantial range of prices without badly undercutting myself.

but resin can be big or small, cheap or expensive, and very eye catching. and even big impressive pieces are like. a couple hours of hands-on time. one person was bragging about spending a whole 700 minutes on a dramatic show piece with a lot of nesting pieces and special techniques. with crochet that amount of time is like. a couple pairs of arm warmers. two medium doilies. certainly not a show piece. I don't have to way undercut my labor prices to sell a resin piece, and having those smaller more reasonable options makes the big expensive stuff feel less unreasonable if I want to put out a blanket or some socks as well.

and if I go with a cohesive aesthetic rather than a narrow range, I can make whatever the fuck I want however the fuck I want and it can all go on the same table, which lets me apply a lot of different skills and rotate through things as needed or desired.

(I mentioned the idea of tabling again while matt was on the phone with us and arin and he were both actively supportive of the idea. they were both like yeah we can do a couple shows, it could be fun, and if we don't sell anything we can move on. so they're okay with the upfront cost even though I don't have my own income to actually cover it.)

[basilhomebrews]

Interesting class, definitely can see how the appeal of making a dedicated class to being a hardened P.I. I just have a couple of questions/suggestions:

Down These Mean Streets

What do you mean by simple roll? I'm guessing you just mean a regular check, which would be called a standard Attribute Check or just Check in the system's wording.

With this Skill as it is, you can create an opportunity each time you roll a check, because the part about investigations is separate from the part describing what checks this would apply to. Stuff like that is generally written out as one sentence, like, if I were to reword this I would write it as ""When you fail a Check to perform an investigation, you may lose Hit Points equal to the amount you failed the Check by to generate an opportunity."

Also, opportunities are pretty substantial things. You only get them on critical successes for a reason, they can pretty much turn a situation on its head by themselves. Being able to generate opportunities by failing and spending a bit of HP (consider, 14+ HP is on the higher end of the spectrum of what you can lose, and that doesn't even knock someone with a d6 Might down to Crisis) is huge, and largely dwarfs what I recall to be the only other Skill that directly helps in generating opportunities, Frenzy from Fury. And Frenzy's balanced by the fact that it only applies to Accuracy Checks made with certain weapon categories. You don't even need to add the second bit about clocks, since you can spend an opportunity to add or erase sections on a clock.

Alternatively, you could maybe drop the free opportunity generation and switch it to invoking their bonds or traits for a check related to an investigation by spending HP equal to one roll of their base Might die size once per scene/SL times per scene? Should be more balanced this way while keeping the spirit of wearing yourself thin to crack the case.

Hip Flask

This one's a bit of a doozy. It works better than the Tinkerer Heroic Skill (which you need 10 levels for) Deep Pockets at SL 2, and the fact that it only applies to potions doesn't entirely balance it out. The damage reduction is huge as well, but I think that's more balanced than the initial effect.

If I were to change this, I would maybe make it do something like allow you to split the recovery you get from a potion between HP or MP, like "When you use a potion to recover Hit Points or Mind Points, you may split the HP or MP recovery by up to [SL x 10] to recover that amount to the latter resource." Or something along those lines.

Two-Fisted

Minor nitpick but you don't "benefit" from two-weapon fighting, but I don't exactly know what word to replace it with. Maybe "When you declare that you are engaging in two-weapon fighting"? Lot longer, but it's closer to the language found in the book, I think.

The City Is A Lover

Pretty standard utility Skill, probably the only feedback I can give is that there's no reset trigger or limit on it right now. Consider the Wayfarer Skill Tavern Talk, which only triggers when you rest inside an inn or tavern.

The Easy Way Or The Hard Way

Minor nitpick first, you don't "hit" Crisis, you enter it. Of course, the message still comes across, so feel free to ignore.

One way that I can think of rewording this to make it closer to the "official" wording is "The first time you enter Crisis in a scene with an intelligent enemy or when you Surrender and are captured as a consequence, you generate an opportunity. You may only spend this opportunity on the faux pas option."

In General

Try and go easy on the flavor text, especially if it's actually technical text that should be part of how the Skill works. Let the Skill names and identity of the class fill in the blanks of what these Skills do, and use the text of the Skill for technical wording as much as possible. This is good work you're doing, love seeing more homebrew stuff for Fabula Ultima, just gotta polish it up a bit. Hope this helps!

The Gumshoe: A homebrew class for Fabula Ultima

Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor—by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world. -Raymond Chandler.

So yeah I made a fatal mistake and got distracted and so started writing a homebrew class that may or may not at some point become part of a larger homebrew "Urban Fantasy Atlas" for Fabula Ultima.

So classes in Fabula Ultima consist of 3 things:

Four questions your character should answer the develop your background,

A permanent bonus or two- generally to Hit points, magic points, or inventory points, the ability to equip certain types of gear, or the ability to undertake long term free form effects like projects or rituals using the ritualism discipline.

5 skills: Some with multiple levels, some without. There should be more levels of skills available than you can get- each class caps out at 10 levels, which means more than 10 ranks of skills.

The gumshoe is designed with urban fantasy campaigns in mind, because detective is such an archetype for the genre, and while you can conceivably build one out of other classes (as for example, I already did) it could probably benefit from a specific class and it'd be pretty easy to ask those questions and make those skills, I think.

So first, we start with the questions:

1: What was your first big case? Do you regret how it turned out?

2: What first made you doubt authority?

3: What incident still haunts you- was it after you started working cases or is it what kicked it off?

4: If a leggy dame wearing a hat with a veil walked into your office right now and begged you for help, would you take the case? Would you admit you were a sucker for doing so?

Gumshoe Free Benefits:

Permanently increase your maximum Hit Points by 5.

Skills:

Down These Mean Streets

When making a check for any kind of investigation or legwork, you can turn failure into triumph. A failed roll on a simple or opposed check will grant you an opportunity, even if you don't find out what you want. For a clock, you'll always fill in one section no matter how badly you roll. This comes at a cost- you'll take damage to HP equal the amount you failed by, either by stretching yourself thin or maybe the opportunity comes by way of someone roughing you up for asking too many questions.

Hip Flask [+3]

You have a trusty flask of some sort of awful rotgut that you always have available. Reduce to the IP cost for producing a Potion with Inventory points by SL, to a minimum of 1. You can sacrifice this ability until the next time you refresh inventory points to reduce damage from a single attack by (5+SL)X10, as the blow damages the flask but leaves you mostly unscathed.

Two-Fisted [+5]

When benefiting from two-weapon fighting, your high roll only counts as zero for one attack, not both. Add SL to accuracy for both attacks.

The City is a Lover [+3]

When you're in a big city, you know how to talk to it, and it talks back. You may ask SL questions about the city or the people who live there, and the GM will answer them honestly.

The Easy Way or the Hard Way

Sometimes the easiest way to get information is to let yourself get worked over. The first time you hit crisis in a scene with an intelligent enemy, gain the faux pas opportunity as they let something important slip. You also gain this opportunity if you're forced to surrender and are captured.

[calico-strawberry]

So like, I had a couple head canons I wanted to list, but also specifically stuff regarding my OC ship with Saphira. So I'm gonna do the pairing stuff separately here, to avoid making a super long as hell post. (Uh warning this'll probably still be decently lengthy because I tend to over explain)

Also, some spoilers for Reborn and perhaps parts of it's post game. (As of writing this I'm still in tier 5 of anomaly quests)

Anyways

-in general, during the post game Allyson and Saphira start actually hanging out now that, at least a decent chunk of the life threatening situations are dealt with besides anomalies. Training together frequently (shared use of and love of Dragon types helps), but Allyson also trying to encourage Saphira to spend time with her in more casual things. Saphira starts to enjoy just listening to Allyson happily ramble about her interests or her Pokemon or other things like that

-Allyson, of course has a really... Not good childhood and horrible teenage years. She has a lot of issues in general, but essentially she's not used to having so many friends and people she actually considers to be family, and is still being acclimated to it. So for a while she doesn't even recognize she even has romantic feelings for Saphira at all.

-Included in Allyson's wealth of issues is self confidence issues in anything that isn't battling. So when she does finally actually put words to her feelings, she feels like she doesn't quite deserve any sort of romance or relationship like that. Good ol' messy situation for her, and that mindset makes her oblivious to Saphira's feelings in the matter, and herself too nervous to do anything other then spend time with her and silently pine.

-For both of them, feelings kind of existed before the post game, but for a multitude of reasons due to plot and ongoing character development nothing more substantial than "oh that girls kinda cute" or "oh shit that girl's fucking badass" and other type of thoughts like that.

-For Saphira, she starts to realize she's starting to have feelings for Allyson and just, doesn't know what to with them??? Really in a "well that's new" type of situation and is unsure how to deal with them. Also oblivious to Allyson's feelings for her, due to not really thinking she has them (ya know, despite the amount of time Allyson wants to and tries to spend with her). May or may not be low key afraid her anger issues might push Allyson away (and feels kind of bad for the outburst she had that caused her to yell at Allyson back after the gym battle during the Labradorra tournament).

-Eventually and very reluctantly goes to Laura for advice because she is wholly unsure of how to deal with it herself, and also because "she seems to be with that odd Bennett guy right". Laura is of course very supportive of her, and does her best to help her. Also Charlotte would absolutely tease her for this which is just an amusing thought to me.

-also have to mention it is wholly unfortunate how much they have in common as far as pre-Reborn's story goes

-But like, regardless of the two's personal issues, they're like, really soft together. They know to give one another space at times and trust each other very much. Protective of one another as well, and Allyson feels truly and perfectly safe in Saphira's presence (something she never really felt to a full degree before). Saphira also feels more comfortable herself.

Anyways I am mentally ill for them :3