#I think I need a fangstitch tag

[the-dalseum-duet]

gay Panera Bread date gone wrong! (there was blood!) (and slurs!) (not clickbait!)

@svwhssftr mandatory mako coparent tag come look at your well-behaved gentleman of a son

just some Sutton Valence-adjacent shenanigans for tonight after a long golf practice. it’s hard to explain but in the original Sutton Valence, characters who had children that were also major characters (like Gregory and Adam) were not seen as parents and children. like it was acknowledged that Gregory was technically his father, but it wasn’t the same person. bc that Gregory was not the same age. if that makes any sense. just keep that in mind

anyway! they’re so Ricky Montgomery coded I love them DEARRRLY i fear I have fangstitch brainrot. in my delulu hopeless romantic era. I also fear that it’s not a Sutton Valence excerpt without something oddly serious covered. 

“Crow, do you have any formal clothes?” Mako anxiously slid the hangers of his cramped wardrobe as he brushed through his collection of nicer clothing. 

“Nothing that would fit you.” Crow crossed his legs as he mashed the buttons of his Switch. “Where are you two going, anyway?” 

“Panera.”

“Panera?” Crow repeated as he paused his play-through of Deltarune to stare at Mako, mouth agape. “You’re asking me for formal clothes for a date at Panera?”

“I don’t have anything!” Mako exclaimed. “I mean, he’s a big fashion guy. What if I wear something entirely inappropriate?”

“I can guarantee you that formal attire at Panera Bread would be entirely inappropriate,” Crow said. 

“What do you think I should wear, then?” Mako sighed. 

“I don’t know, man. I’m a fan of the collared shirt and sweatshirt combo, personally. It never misses.” 

“Collared shirt,” Mako repeated, standing on the tip of his toes as he swung the metal tops of his hangers. “Nice sweatshirt.”

Meanwhile, Gale adjusted the button of his shirt as he puffed out his hair in his bathroom mirror. It was a simple ensemble. Mako liked simple, right? Did it really matter, in the long run? He already agreed to their date. 

“Kai, you’ve been going out with Noeul for a while, right?” Gale asked, propping open the bathroom door with his foot. 

“Something like that.” Kai dramatically stretched himself over his bed. “Why do you ask?”

“How often do you go on dates?” Gale asked. 

“Never,” Kai responded. “Why would we do that gay shit?” 

Gale cocked his head. “Because you want to further your relationship and understanding of each other?” 

“I think we understand each other perfectly fine.”

“I guess we’re just different.” Gale habitually picked at his cuticles, chipping his bronze nail polish. 

“Thank God,” Kai sneered, staring at the popcorn ceiling. 

“Can I borrow your blue sweatshirt?” Gale asked. “I’ll be careful with it.”

“It’s going to swallow you whole, but sure,” Kai said. “Just don’t get, like, cum or shit on it.” 

“Huh?” Gale said, his head craning around the door. 

“You heard me, Porter. Just don’t get freaky with your boy toy on my vintage Alexander McQueen, and we’ll be fine.” 

“That’s vintage McQueen?” Gale asked, his eyes widening. “And you never told me?” 

“It never came up.” Kai shrugged. 

“I might have to borrow it more often,” Gale said under his breath. 

“Where are you going, anyway?” Kai asked. 

“The little Panera down the street.” 

“Panera?” Kai laughed. “God, you are a faggot.”

“It’s cozy! They have good soups!”

“You are a pansy,” Kai cackled.

“You’ve shagged significantly more men than I have, Shirogane.” Gale narrowed his eyes as he tucked Kai’s sweatshirt into his khaki pants. 

“Shagged?” Kai said. “What, am I some kind of rug?”

Gale rolled his eyes. “You should be more familiar with British slang by now.”

“And you should be more familiar with some dick by now.” 

“I’m not interested in his… manly bits… right now-“

“What the fuck?” Kai cried.

“What?”

“Why do you talk like that all the time?” Kai asked. “‘His manly bits.’ This has to be a joke.”

“Welcome to Britain, Kai! Sorry, we have dignity and a healthy relationship with sex.”

“You clearly don’t have a healthy relationship with sex.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend who sleeps with Sonnet Chea behind my back.”

Kai blinked. “That’s not true, Gale.” 

“It most certainly is true!” 

“I know Noeul fucks Sonnet. I just don’t care.” 

“Oh.” Gale’s voice cracked. 

“I’m just saying, you should loosen up a little,” Kai said. “Learn to take a joke, man.”

“Your jokes aren’t very funny,” Gale said, grabbing his bag and wallet from a hook on their door. 

“They get me good dick,” Kai said. “What do your nonexistent jokes get you, Gale?”

“A boyfriend who actually gives two shits about me.” Gale stiffly smiled as he closed the door and headed down the hall to meet Mako. 

As Gale traversed the halls, Mako’s eyes were locked on his bedside alarm clock. 

“Does it look okay?” he asked, his voice wavering. “I think it looks okay.” 

“You look great, dude.” Crow awkwardly patted Mako’s back. “I think the blue sweatshirt and khaki pants complement each other.”

“Really?”

“Really.” 

“I’m nervous.” Mako fidgeted with the shark keychain dangling from his wallet. “I’ve never been on a date before. I think he really likes me, and I don’t want to fuck up-“ 

“If someone somehow doesn’t like you, then they’re the problem,” Crow said, instinctively adjusting the chain of Mako’s paperclip necklace. “Gale seems like a good guy. Just have fun.” 

“Do my teeth look weird?”

“As fucked-up as always.” Crow smiled. 

“Perfect.” Mako confidently grinned as he swung open the door of his dorm room. His face dropped as he saw Gale across the hall. Gale waved at him, and Mako slammed the door.

“Crow, what do I do?” Mako exclaimed. 

“What’s wrong?” Crow had just returned to his game, so he was moderately annoyed. 

“We’re wearing the same exact outfit.”

“You’re what?”

“I saw him down the hall. It’s the exact same. Blue sweatshirt, collared shirt, khakis.” 

Crow burst out laughing. “Are you serious?”

“This isn’t funny, Crow!”

“You’re right, this is hilarious. Open the door, let me get a picture of you two.” 

“Absolutely not-“

Gale managed to knock on the door twice before Crow aggressively opened it, slamming it directly into Gale’s nose. 

“Ah!” Gale shortly screamed, curling over to shield his nose with his hands. 

“Oh, fuck,” Crow whispered. “Gale, I’m so sorry, man-“

“No, I’m okay!” Gale nasally confirmed. “It’s not that bad, I promise.” 

Gale removed his hands to reveal a stream of blood pouring from his right nostril.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Mako gasped.  “I’m so sorry, Crow’s such an asshole.”

“Hey!” Crow snapped. 

“No, I’m fine!” Gale laughed. “This happens sometimes. Nosebleeds, I mean. Do you have any tissues?”

“I got some from Crow’s desk. Here.” Mako shoved a wad of tissues into Gale’s face. 

“Wait, are we wearing the same outfit?” Gale murmured through a glob of bloody tissues. 

“Yeah, I think we are,” Mako laughed, his face bright red. 

“Smile!” Crow perched atop his bed with a digital camera and excitedly waved at the couple. He did not wait for them to smile. Instead, he caught a candid shot of Gale wiping blood from above his lip and Mako looking incredibly pissed at him. 

“I think I’m okay,” Gale confirmed, tilting his head down and admiring himself in Mako’s mirror. Blood no longer stained his upper lip.

Crow threw a black hoodie at Mako. “This is the hoodie we agreed to get at the Ricky Montgomery show. I’ve hoarded it for long enough. You can finally wear it.” 

“Is it clean?” Mako asked.

“Dubiously.”

Mako shrugged. “It should be fine.” 

Crow couldn’t help but notice Gale staring off at his quilted throw as Mako got changed. It was nice to witness some form of respect as opposed to the raging horniness he was accustomed to seeing.

“I should be ready to go,” Mako said, taking Gale’s hand. A warm flush crept across Gale’s cheeks. 

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’m ready, too,” Gale said.  Mako reached to open their door.

“Y’all be safe,” Crow called, doing his best impression of the Kentuckians he had grown to know and love. 

“Take care, now,” Mako replied in an equally horrific Southern accent. 

“You’re learning!” Crow excitedly clapped. 

“Never say that again,” Gale said, leaning into Mako. With that, the duo embarked on their romantic first date at the local Panera Bread.