#I think I have ocd. or like scopophobia.

[okcoolthanks]

Man why is everything fucking terrifying

[baarifannan-blog]

.lV

can i speak my truth…i feel for the feminine man because i feel the burden everyday the phobias and mental issues that come with all of the paranoia but for me it’s the women being subjective or me being scared of being looked at differently or if i begin to open up about being feminine to your family (i don’t do friends) how will they react and it’s scary specially when you’ve been treated one way all your life and your afraid of being accepted and how it will change soon after i have social anxiety because of it but i love the women that’s inside of me i feel i’ve been cursed to be a male when i was being conceived the doctors even told my mother i was a female then i came out different either way my love for women wouldn’t change as i hate the body i was given and have to live with it and hiding it is the only way to survive i see how the LGBT community’s treated i am only a feminine heterosexual male and from the south i think i kinda know how that will go and i am talking feminine beyond ones knowledge and i have so many phobias and mental issues from this truth i hide social anxiety and D-OCD (sexual orientation obsessive compulsive disorder) even rare mental issues like alice in wonderland syndrome and even depersonalization disorder something i feel started as a kid and many more issues i think i deal with because i want to live in a different reality or i get so depressed that my mind just can’t cope with the the dilemma of the story i’ve become the narrator of i use to chalk it up as my virgo tendencies but i lie to myself it seems more then anyone i’ve ever known i have always idolize beautiful men (which are what i call a feminine man) and i have a feel men i idolize for there bravado towards those who try and stunt there growth i admire that yet haven’t gain the courage myself i think i been single for about 5 years now i feel there is no women that could ever love me in my entirety so i stay way because i would have to hide who i am and i asked myself would i want to love someone only to find out it’s a lie or they’ve been hiding so much of who they are i am so afraid of women i feel like gynophobia might be the blame not from hatred but from fear of not being accepted by a women because i feel as i am one i act as one i think like one and i sometimes see myself as one and i guess women see that i guess since i have been tore down by a women that i gave 4 to 5 years of my life to see as a man no one would believe i could be subjected to this kinda hate seems women can do no wrong i’ve been told “no other women wants you i’ve ruin you i am all you got.” she was right about and plenty more emotional abuse i’ve suffered can i talk about that no i can’t the humiliation from a woman or women i’ve loved well no because i will be told to suck it up i am a man but i didn’t ask to be i was cursed with this outer imagine you see and for it i deal with scopophobia i’m afraid others see me and i mean see me for the secrets i hide the flaws and the reasons they are there and why i am so reserved maybe even cautious the pistanthrophobia keeps be sain well insane enough to lie to others about trust let me be clear “I DONT TRUST YOU!” i never did its hard because eventually you will ruin my trust so let’s just get it out the way but if a lie is what you want i will give it to you i’ve been lying since i was bore so what’s new my haphephobia can be chalked up to my darkest secrets that to be real should never come about it mostly bothers me when men touch me more then anything i’m a nyctophilia so no wonder i love keeping things in the dark… heliophobia i hate light why do i classify everything as a philia or phobia because others understand a lot easier when i do i guess i’m misunderstood no matter the education behide the introverted teachings from which the subject i preach about brings i will always be misunderstood either way i just hope i can at least be accepted as time goes on everything else is out of my control.

love and godspeed to 2019

sincerly yours, b