#I think I got asthma from your validation alone pls

[salaimoi]

your blog is literally so cute i’m in love??? im absolutely obsessed with the theme??? AND you write??? i had to follow you back omg hi new mutual hehehe how are youuu 🫶🏼🫶🏼

OMG HIIIII *self implodes and dies cutely* 🙈 my primitive brain can’t begin to process the honor of someone of your caliber being my mutual I’m gonna die twice. someone grab me pls!!! omg now I’m gonna be sweating every time I post bc I’ll feel the need to impress u

fangirl moment aside, HII (again) I love u and I’m gonna stalk ur blog for as long as I breathe fr. HOW ARE U MY BELOVED MOOT?

[avionvadion]

I think I just realized how AWFUL two of my ex best friends were to me. I mean, I stopped talking to them after graduation, maybe even a while before that, but looking back on it- like, jeez.

(This rant is purely for my own emotional/mental health purposes, so feel free to ignore.)

When we first met it was middle school, and I had become kinda-friends with this dude who knew her in elementary and he had a crush on her. She was in my gym class, and I think it was the day where some jerk decided to ruin my gym uniform and she just kinda watched me and some other girls try to fix it before the teacher walked in. She was tying her shoes, she asked if I was friends with the one dude I mentioned before, and then the friendship started there.

Turns out she also had a crush on him, so giving both advice they eventually got together. Sounds nice, right? Later when either had a problem (personal or homework or whatever) I would do my best to help. I gave them advice, I lent them answers, I gave them some of the food I had packed for lunch or bought them chips from the cafeteria line.

Class trips: oh you don’t have the money? Here I’ll buy you that food, I’ll buy you that drink, I’ll buy you that souvenir. Oh, you don’t want to be roommates or you’ve already chosen to be roommates with someone else? Okay, that’s fine, I’m... sure I can find someone else.

(There was no one else because she was my only female friend and everybody else found me annoying)

What’s that! Panic attack? Okay, I’ll help you through it. Call me anytime, talk to me, I’m here.

It’s Valentine’s day! I made everybody who was nice to me and the three people I’m friends with cookies! Oh, I’ll hold the door for you. Wait- someone is being mean to you? HEY BUDDY BACK OFF. Oh. Someone is being mean to me... just stand there and watch I guess it’s fine.

Hey, here’s a hint that I’m not actually doing that well- oh. Okay. You don’t think I’m being serious. Right, I’m probably just being a little dramatic. I guess. It really wasn’t anything that significant...

Hey. Hey.

I’m having a panic attack so please text back right now I know you said you’re a lazy texter but I just had a really bad asthma attack and I’m really scared pls pls text back I know you’re always on your phone pls I’m not okay I’m not-

...

Oh. You never checked to see what I messaged you about. That’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t anything serious. I’ll go ahead and delete/unsend it. Don’t bother. I’m totally over it.

...

Your boyfriend is threatening to burn all my anime drawings again. He’s taken my notebook and won’t give it back. He’s just joking?? I know he does it all the time, but...

I worked really hard on those. I don’t want them to be crumpled or ruined-

What? Oh, of course I like anime. You know that, you goofball. Wait, THAT show? What do you mean you know that not even I would like that show? ...N-No, no, of course I don’t. Th-That would be silly, I mean who WOULD like that show... right?

Even though I do...

...

Third wheeling. Walking behind you even though this was supposed to be a hang out with all three of us. Oh, you want me to walk farther behind you guys? Yeah, sure, got it. You’re a couple and couples like to be close.

How many times has this been? How much longer do I have to keep doing this?

I’m being insulted by your friends in clear view. Why aren’t you guys saying anything? Well, not like it bothers me. I know people don’t like me. Doesn’t stop them from trying to make me draw them self portraits though. I can handle it.

...

Do you even realize I exist?

...

Oh, another gym uniform is ruined. Another has gone missing. They stole my school binders and textbooks this time. More bullies. Her boyfriend took my notebook again.

No one noticed I had gotten separated from the group at all during the class trip. For people who often complain I’m too loud, they certainly don’t seem to notice when I’m quiet or missing either.

We don’t have classes together anymore. She’s hanging out with one of my step cousins now. You text her all the time. You text everyone all the time. You never text me at all, or respond. When I ask, you always say it’s because you’re a lazy texter. I know that’s a lie. You go back to your phone when I become silent.

You conveniently forget when we’re supposed to meet up so you can return a professional cartoon drawing I paid for. You don’t seem notice when I’m having a bad day and head to the bathroom during lunch to curl in a ball and cry. You don’t seem to notice anything outside of my smile and willingness to do anything you ask of me.

We’re roommates on another class trip again. I’m excited. You could care less. You dump more baggage on me that I stupidly listen to, worried about your well-being and hoping this trip will make us good friends again. If we ever were to begin with. You tell me that even if we don’t see each other in forever, you can always tell me things so easily because you KNOW I’ll listen.

But you don’t. You don’t listen.

You never take me seriously, and you say that it’s because you KNOW me. But you only know the me I show you- the me who tells jokes and laughs and talks about anime and not about the abuse or the fear and just how scared my asthma and lung condition makes me. Who’s clingy because she’s scared of being alone and hated and forgotten.

You just brush it off as dramatics.

And then you forget.

And then I’m dealing with bullies on my own again, it’s senior year, I’m somehow getting along with the delinquents because they find me small and cute and innocent and because we have classes together and I’m the one person that’s nice to them, but you STILL don’t care and I don’t even recognize you or him anymore because neither of you actually cared about me and only saw me as convenient.

You two were never there. You just pretended.

And now my lungs are so fucked up from genetics and asthma that I can’t even work my part-time job anymore and could barely even work when I did due to constantly collapsing and having to take breathing treatments during my breaks, and now I’m stuck at home, and my health just keeps getting worse and we don’t know why, and I’m this close to getting approved for disability that I hate that I even had to apply for because it just further drives in the feeling of uselessness that I have.

And I can never bring myself to talk to anyone about any personal issues because it feels like they’ll just be treated as insignificant and my emotions boiled down to nothing more than dramatics. Even when the people close to me now tell me that my emotions are valid.

Like- why’d I even bother. Why did I try to invest so much into those two when they just wanted a husk to vent at. To use. For him to taunt and bully and for her to burden and forget.

It really doesn’t make any god damn sense.

And I hate that I had this realization when I was taking a freaking shower earlier.