#I then tried the Iliad and stopped when I reached lists of names that I did not know

[steampoweredace]

Been learning about that weird way people have been trying to teach kids to read, and

I'm very fucking confused?

Like, yes, taking cues from surrounding text can be useful, mostly to figure out what a new word means, but taking cues from pictures?

The pictures go away

I started 1st grade in 2001. At the start of the year, everyone in my class got given a little drawer with books that were considered appropriate for our reading level, and I started out with completely different books from the rest of my class. My books had chapters and if there were any illustrations, they weren't very common. Other kids ended the year with the same type of book.

If I ran into a new word? I had to do my best to sound it out and figure out what it meant from context. And I remained one of the best readers in my classes 'til I finished high school.

Also, like, some words/names would be kinda hard to illustrate, I think? Pictures are not the best way to figure out what you're reading.

Hell, I still sound out new words/names, especially if it's a long one. I'm unsure how else you'd go around trying to learn things like para-dimethylaminobenzaldehyde (it's a chemical. do not ingest it. you can say it to the tune of the Irish Washerwoman!).

[abumbledbee]

Techno’s victim complex

I’ll be the first to admit that as far as tier lists go, Techno’s character would not be high on my list. Part of that comes with being a fan of Tubbo, but the aspects of his character also have a part. 

When it comes down to it, Techno and Tubbo’s characters are very similar in some ways. They both are very logic-based, introverted people who look for answers to this world’s problems.

A big difference between them is that Techno has a victim complex, and Tubbo does not. In reality it’s an interesting aspect to his character because it gives him a big flaw to balance out his power, but it can also make him unlikeable to some. I’ll be going into that a little deeper.

When Techno first joined the server, he was invited to join Pogtopia and help them overthrow the ruling government and take it back. During this arc he takes a canon life from Tubbo on Schlatt’s orders, which Tubbo ends up forgiving him for. He also takes a canon life from Schlatt and Quackity during this, by accident because of the blast radius. He leads the battle against Manberg, showing everyone on his side his private vault of weapons and armor. Once Schlatt is dead, which technically happened of his own accord by way of a heart attack/stroke, they elect a new ruler. Tubbo is thrust into this role by way of Tommy and Wilbur, who both give up the seat for personal reasons. Tubbo, who feels indebted to Wilbur and Tommy because they created L’Manberg together at the start, accepts the role despite never wanting it and also openly admits he doesn’t really know what a president does.

Techno watches this happen, and his reaction is deeply personal. He calls them all hypocrites, fools, for thinking they can replace one dictator with another right in front of him, fully ignoring his part in everything that’s happened. He takes their choices on personally, and believes he’s the only one who can right this wrong and that the only way to do so is to destroy L’Manberg. He tells Tommy if he wants to be a hero, he can die like one. An ironic line considering how noble Techno considers his own motives. He summons withers, and they along with Wilbur’s TNT create a sizeable crater. He makes himself into a tragic character, who in his fight for justice ends up destroying what he was originally fighting for, for the ultimate good of the SMP. It’s parallel to Wilbur in a way, as Wilbur is also accountable for its destruction but he is far more open to admitting his motives were personal, and doesn’t hide his opinions under a ‘noble cause’. Wilbur is naturally a tragic character, who after fighting for his nation back finds he can no longer see it as his own and would rather it and himself be gone than face what he or his nation has become. 

After this Techno decides to move far away, “swearing off violence” while also building a new vault that is filled to the brim with wither skulls as the voices in his head still crave death. He keeps to his word and leaves everyone alone, until the Butcher Army arrive at his house. They are led by Quackity, and include Fundy, Tubbo, and Ranboo. They demand Techno pay for the crimes he committed to L’Manberg, specifically his role in its initial destruction. Quackity and Tubbo don’t even mention that he also took a canon life from both of them, which could be arguable cause for its own punishment. Techno is almost killed but had a totem on him which saves him from losing a canon life. In his escape he’s caught by Quackity and takes Quackity’s second canon life. 

When he goes home he finds Tommy, who has escaped his exile camp and ends up taking him in. They grow close again and Techno agrees to work with Tommy until he gets his discs. Part of their goals is ‘minor terrorism in L’Manberg’, which Tommy is uncomfortable with but Techno assures won’t be bad. In reality he ends up summoning a wither again, causing damage to the rebuilt nation and threatening anyone he can until he receives all his items back. Tommy is clear from the start of their partnership that he does not want to hurt L’Manberg despite being exiled from it, and is focused solely on getting his discs back. It’s clear he’s gone through a lot in exile, but Techno never tries to find out any details or push Tommy to talk. Techno ends up giving him an ultimatum. Tommy either joins him in destroying L’Manberg and Techno will help him get his discs in return, or he has to leave Techno’s place and get them on his own. Tommy ends up choosing to team, but he’s uncomfortable with the idea and seems very unsure of his decision. They continue to work together until it all comes to a head when the community house is found blown up and Tommy is being blamed.

Tommy fights with Tubbo, and accidentally says the discs are worth more to him than Tubbo ever was. He instantly regrets it, the fighting stops, and he tells Tubbo to give Dream his disc. He tells Techno he’s changed his mind and will side with Tubbo, because following along with him makes him feel like he’s becoming worse than everyone he hates. Techno is deeply hurt by this, and ultimately teams with Dream and Philza to wipe L’Manberg off the map permanently. During Doomsday he and Tommy argue while the bombs go off.

Techno tells Tommy how betrayed he feels, how he feels that Tommy never viewed him as a person, but as a weapon. He mentions how back during Pogtopia Wilbur and Tommy never came to Techno or Tubbo’s aid, just sat back and watched while they handled everything. Although he didn’t fully admit it, he was jealous of how many people were willing to fight on Tommy’s side when he asked for it, and Techno felt like he had no one. Although it doesn’t fully fit in the timeline I want to double back on what Techno told Tommy and the hypocrisy of it. 

He tells Tommy that Tommy doesn’t view him as a person, but more a personified weapon for him to utilize and cast away when he’s done. Techno is valid in feeling like this, but he never acknowledges that he is also guilty for doing this to Tubbo. Tubbo becomes a personified form of government to him, and his feelings towards Tubbo become deeply negative during his presidency despite Tubbo trying his best to do right by a country he never wanted to take care of. He blames Tubbo almost fully for the Butcher Army despite Quackity being the leader of it. Even after L’Manberg is gone and Tubbo moves to Snowchester, any time he greets Techno in chat he’s replied to with a “Silence Government”, despite Tubbo now living in his own isolationist commune and no longer participating in any form of government. 

L’Manberg is destroyed and Techno returns to the tundra with Phil and Ranboo ends up moving nearby too. He and Phil end up forming The Syndicate, a hidden group of anarchists whose primary goal is to ensure no new governments are formed on the Dream SMP and to snuff out any signs of tyranny. They end up inviting Niki and then Ranboo to the group, along with another unknown person.  In his latest stream Techno has the Syndicate check out Snowchester, which he’s never been to but has heard could be a possible new nation and a new government. When they arrive he finds Tubbo, and questions Tubbo about the new place and his motives. Tubbo describes Snowchester as an isolationist militarist commune with no leader just equals. He discloses that they have nukes, and Techno asks who he could possibly need that much protection from. There’s no sarcasm in his voice, he genuinely doesn’t seem to acknowledge that he is Tubbo’s current biggest threat. He’s destroyed the country Tubbo lived in twice, and taken one of his canon lives, but won’t admit to himself that he in his own way sometimes acts like a tyrant by enforcing anarchy upon the entire smp. Tubbo ignores this and just says that people scare him, and ultimately Techno leaves but says he still wants to keep an eye on Snowchester.

We find out the members of the Syndicate choose to go by codenames of Greek gods and important figures, and Techno will go by Protesilaus.

Protesilaus is a hero from the Iliad. In the Iliad an oracle prophesized that the first Greek to step foot on land when they reached Troy would die first in war.  Protesilaus purposely leaps off the ship first upon arrival, and subsequently is the first on the Greek side to die. I think this is such an interesting name for Techno to choose. One could argue it’s an attempt at foreshadowing maybe a possible future death for him, but I don’t think so. Protesilaus makes himself a tragic hero. He fully knows what is the fate of the first Greek to touch shore and he went out of his way to be that person and let his story become known past his death. He made himself the victim and the hero. I think this is a great nod to Techno’s choices and how he, even sometimes unknowingly, makes choices that feed into his victim complex. I don’t think Techno actively wants to be considered a hero by any means, but his deep set beliefs in how he feels the server should be run makes him act as though he is the only one whose path is the right one. 

[hms-chill]

Sleep With Me

Ever since high school, Alex has been falling asleep to the same podcast: Sleep With Me, where a British man named Tilney tells rambling bedtime stories and gives positive affirmations. But after they're outed, the podcast goes quiet, and Tilney may be closer than Alex thinks.

Alex is a podcasts person. Not as much of one as Nora, but still, a podcasts person. Nora listens to them almost constantly, and when she finds one she thinks Alex would like, she recommends it to him. After his first accidental all-nighter in high school, when he'd been kept up not by work but by the stress of upcoming work, well, she'd had a podcast for that. A podcast called Sleep With Me, were a British voice rambles its way through boring stories and quiet affirmations until Alex drifts into dreamland.

Tilney, the voice of Sleep With Me, has been there for him since high school, when he'd been figuring out his recording equipment and Alex had been trying desperately not to think of anything outside of school, lacrosse, and a resume good enough to get him into the college of his dreams. The minutes (and hours) between going to bed and falling asleep were always the hardest, when his mind would race and he'd be left stranded in a dark netherworld, alternating between terror and exhaustion. But then he found Tilney, and the rambling voice gave him just enough to focus on that his mind could stop racing. Tilney would put out an episode a week, and Alex would listen to that episode seven times without reaching the end awake.

He's not entirely sure how or when it happened, but at some point, Alex started to rely on Tilney. He didn't notice at first, just incorporated the podcast into his bedtime routine and accepted it. There would be a new episode up every Monday, and if he looked forward to them, well, it was because listening to the same thing for a week got boring. But then there was a week without an update. It came just after the end of his junior year of high school, when his mom was officially running for president and he was starting to think about college and what being half-Mexican First Children could mean for him and June. The missed episode just added wondering where Tileny went to the long list of worries buzzing around his head. When the epizode came two days later, Tilney sounded different. He sounded tired, and for the first time, Alex started to think of Tilney as a person rather than just a voice. He became a friend, even, though Alex would never have admitted that.

But he would admit to being genuinely worried, especially when the episode started out with, "Hi, everyone. So I... my family has been having a hard time recently, so I'm just going to be reading a bit today. I know this isn't... this isn't a normal thing for me, and it isn't going to become one, but for a while I don't quite have the energy to write new stories, and I always tell you all to look after yourselves and that's something I'm going to try to do, too. I'm sorry if this isn't your thing; that's alright. I won't be upset if you'd rather listen to old episodes or take a break for a bit, but I promise I'll pick rambling books and I really appreciate your patience. We'll be reading parts of The Iliad today, and maybe parts of Les Mis later; we'll see how long it is before I get back to normal, but no matter what I'm going to be here to help look out for you. I'm not going to leave you, I promise; you can trust and count on me. "Anyway, today we'll be reading some about the Trojan War, specifically the lineages of the people involved. Like always, you don't have to listen to me. You can turn me way down so I'm just a mumble, or you can fall asleep or ignore me or anything. I just want you to be comfortable, and I want to help you relax and be here for you. If you do fall asleep, that's wonderful. You deserve a good night's sleep, but if you don't fall asleep, that's alright, too. I'll still be here for you; I'm going to look out for you, because you're important to me and you deserve someone who has your back, no matter what. No matter who you are or what you're going through, I'm here for you. I promise."

Alex has listened to the Iliad episode the most. He listened to it the night before his mom was elected, when he was so jittery that he nearly made it to the end. He listened to it that first night in the White House, when he realized the age of their new home and could feel the ghosts of ages past watching him sleep. He listened to it the night before the Royal Wedding, when he'd known he'd have to face Prince Henry and the rest of the British monarchy the next day. Somehow, Tilney made him feel like he could do it. Hearing Tilney's voice promise to be there helps.

'Sleep With Me' works for him for a few reasons. First, Tilney's voice is often exactly what Alex needs. It's soft enough to be reassuring, but confident enough that Alex trusts him. On some monkey-brain level, he believes that Tilney will protect him when he sleeps. But there's more than just the voice; the content of the podcast is what really sells him. Throughout the podcast, Tilney promises over and over that Alex is doing great, and he deserves a good night's sleep and a world that is kind to him. Tilney promises to look after and support him, and even when things feel overwhelming, Tilney stays calm and only a few taps away. Tilney is going to look after him and keep him company, no matter what he's going through or worried about. Through everything, Tilney's voice is a calming influence. His voice finds all the cracks in Alex's built up armor, and instead of asking to take that armor off, he rubs Alex's shoulders beneath it. He tries to get Alex comfortable, and if the armor comes off in that process, he lets Alex be the one to let it go. Every night, his time with Tilney feels like entering a bubble, separated from the public eye and the stress of college or family tension or whatever else may be bothering him. In his bubble with Tilney, he can be just Alex, an insomniac who trusts a voice to lead him to sleep.

He listens to Sleep With Me on the way home from the Royal Wedding, when he's trying to sleep to avoid Zahra's glares and the fact that not even Nora seems to be fully on his side. Tilney doesn't care about the bizarrely expensive cake or the possible fallout of the cake-based disaster. Tilney isn't angry with him for a stumble that wasn't his fault.The podcast lets Alex enter a bubble away from cake-gate, and Tilney is there, promising that he deserves good things, and he's important, and that someone has his back no matter what. That's always Tilney's biggest point: he'll support Alex, no matter what happens or what Alex does. Tilney offers unconditional, unwavering help and support. It's exactly what Alex needs.

The next weekend, when he's trying to sleep in Kensington and everything feels wrong and old and full of pressure, Tilney is there to calm his mind. It's been racing with worries he'd never admit to that he'll mess up their fake friendship and ruin his mother's career, not to mention the fact that he'll have to spend all day with a dickhead. And after the trip, when it goes well and Henry now has his number, Tilney is there to help his too-fast brain stop trying to puzzle out just how much of a dickhead Henry really is.

Tilney is there for him through everything. He's there when Henry kisses him, calming Alex's racing mind then and in the weeks of ghosting that follow. At some point in the midst of the ghosting, Alex takes to Twitter. He uses his unofficial account, the one where he can admit his insomnia and his fears and all of the things he doesn't want the public to know about Alex Claremont-Diaz, First Son. On his personal twitter, he's just a boy named Alex, and that boy can shamelessly send a series of long, thankful tweets at Tilney.

@justAlex thank god for @SleepWithMe y'all this podcast is everything i need

@justAlex i've been listening for years but now it hits different

@justAlex long story short i'm in the middle of a personal crisis and @SleepWithMe is a miracle worker and the only reason i'm getting any sleep

@justAlex i highly recommend @SleepWithMe for insomniacs or anyone who likes to have someone there for them whenever/whatever is happening he's been one of the most consistently encouraging voices in my life for years and he deserves the best

@justAlex in conclusion yes i am a grown man who listens to bedtime stories when i can't sleep but insomnia's nothing to be ashamed of and a massive thanks to @SleepWithMe for telling those bedtime stories

Tilney likes his tweets. The next episode's introduction includes, "And I just want to say to anyone out there going through something hard, you'll be okay. If you're up late because there's a personal crisis or something you think you just can't do, I bet you can do it. I'm rooting for you, and I know you'll be alright. After all, you've gotten this far. You've done all the things you've done, and you've made it through every impossible thing up to this point. You can get through this, too."

And, like always, Alex feels a little less alone. Tilney trusts him, and he's going to do what he can to make sure Alex can get through this and the upcoming dinner and whatever comes his way next. And if Tilney's voice seems to sound like Henry's, well, that's because everything is reminding him of Henry these days. A British accent isn't an exception to that rule, even if it is a British accent that he knows belongs to someone else.

-

The night after the state dinner (and everything that follows it) marks the first time in years that Alex falls asleep truly alone, without anyone in the room and without Tilney's voice beside him. It's the first time in years that he hasn't had a reason to not listen to Sleep With Me, he simply doesn't turn it on because he doesn't need it. Henry has somehow slowed his brain down enough that he's able to sleep without Tilney's help. The next morning, he feels almost guilty about it. Tilney had been there, ready and waiting, and Alex had ignored him.

That night, though, Tilney is still there. He's still promising that things are going to be alright, and that Alex can get through anything. He's still promising unconditional support and help sleeping, no matter what.

It becomes a pattern. Alex doesn't listen to Sleep With Me on nights he's with Henry, mostly because it seems rude. He's not sure how to admit that he typically falls asleep to a bedtime story, and it seems strange to bring it up. Besides, he never quite seems to need Tilney's voice when Henry is around. That's something he should probably try to understand-- why he somehow relaxes more with Henry than with a person who's been comforting him for years-- but he's never been particularly good at exploring his own emotions. So he doesn't listen when he doesn't need it, and he hopes Tilney won't mind.

Tilney never minds. He's still there when Alex needs him, making a home in the podcasts app and telling rambling stories for sleepless nights. He's there when Luna betrays them, after Henry has to leave and Alex is left to wonder what went wrong. He has a new episode out early that week, and in the intro, he says, "I just want to be here for you all, because I want you to have someone who can help you out no matter what. I want to be someone you can count on, even if it feels like people are abandoning you, I never want to do that. And maybe I can't be a role model or anything like that, but I can be here to help you sleep, and if today's been hard, maybe a good night's sleep will help make tomorrow better. Of course, if you can't sleep, that's alright, too. I'm here for you no matter what."

It's an introduction that feels almost like it's made for him, and it's perfect. It provides the exact comfort he needs, and it quiets his mind, reassuring him that even if they've lost Luna and Los Bastardos and everything that his friendship meant, at least he has Tilney. Some things never change.

-

When Alex was a kid, his dad would take him and June camping. Every now and then, they'd go too early in the year, when the nights were still chilly. When it got too cold, Alex would lie on one end of a blanket and roll himself up into a burrito, and his dad would laugh and pick him up, holding him in one arm and a bundled-up June in the other. He'd show them the stars, pointing out the dippers and Hydra and occasionally bits of the Summer Triangle. Sometimes, he'd show them a planet. And when they were too cold or too sleepy to appreciate the stars anymore, he'd take them into the tent and zip them into mummy sleeping bags until only two tired, smiling faces were visible.

Tilney's voice, and the stories he tells, are made up of all the best parts of Young Alex's blanket burrito/sleeping bag bundle. It's the comfort of his dad's arms and the warmth and coziness of the blankets around him without the sweaty mornings. His voice is the cocoon that wraps Alex up in his own little world, a world of stars and planets and good, safe things. There is no room in that cocoon for anxiety or stress or family friends who've turned against him; those are kept safely outside the tent.

-

The first time Alex finishes an episode awake is the night after Henry leaves him at the lake house in Texas. His head is just too full, and not even the Iliad episode is enough to quiet him down. By the end, Tilney's voice hasn't changed much. He signs off with, "Well, that's all I have right now. If you didn't fall asleep, if you're still here with me, that's alright. I'm still rooting for you no matter what, and I'll be here in other episodes. I still want a good night's sleep for you, so don't give up, alright? Just keep trying, and let yourself rest while the next episode auto-plays, and I know you can make it happen. Thanks for listening, and goodnight."

If Tilney's voice sounds like Henry's, that's because every single thing in Alex's life right now is a vivid reminder of the fact that Henry's abandoned him. If Alex cries at the end, that's because he's lying on his side and his eye is leaking. It's certainly not because, with Tilney's 'goodnight', it feels like the only other person he's ever truly slept with is abandoning him, too. He doesn't feel alone in the world, adrift in the darkness with only his bed as a raft, that simple 'goodnight' severing his last tie to humanity and casting him into a sea of aloneness. He hasn't been abandoned by every person he's ever been close with or looked up to, one after the other. He has June and Nora and his parents and congress by thirty. He has what he needs.

He falls asleep near the end of the next episode, and he certainly doesn't cry through it.

He nearly finishes every episode that week. But on the plane ride home from London, he's asleep before the intro ends, finally relaxed enough that Tilney can work his magic.

-

That's not the only time he's awake for the end of the episode, though. He needs Tilney more when the DNC tapes get leaked, when he has to watch the world ship his sister and his boyfriend and there is nothing he can do. The day he goes on his fake date with Nora, when he's trying to be steady for Henry despite the feeling that the world is collapsing around him, Tilney tweets that he's having a bit of trouble that week but will have an episode out as soon as he can. Alex talks to Henry that night, and when he falls into bed, expecting to go back to the Iliad episode, he's greeted by an episode that's been up for mere minutes. Tilney's voice is as strong and comforting and magical as ever. He's there, in his booth and in Alex's podcast app, and he's going to keep Alex company. He promises to, his voice steady and self-assured, and Alex trusts him.

Despite everything, despite the knot of fear consuming his gut and the overwhelming surety that something else will go wrong, Tilney is able to put him to sleep. The last thing Alex processes is, "No matter who you are, I'm here for you. If there are parts of yourself that you've got to hide away right now, I'm here for those parts especially. I'm here for your weird thoughts and your smelly toes and the crush you can't admit. I'm here for every single part of you, and I'm going to do whatever I can to help you look after yourself, because you are undeniably someone worth looking after."

If he cries at that, at the knowledge that someone out there is going to actually support him, well, it's been a long day and he's infuriatingly close to his inaccessible boyfriend. He deserves a few tears.

-

Things go from bad to catastrophically worse. After weeks of teetering on the edge of a cliff, hanging onto their last threads of sanity, everything shatters to the ground around them. Their emails are leaked, their souls bared to anyone insensitive enough to read the personal letters of a pair of young lovers. Alex feels his whole world caving in.

On the plane to London, when he's talked to Henry but can't relax, when Prisoner of Azkaban can't distract him and pacing is out of the question because Zahra's stare pins him to his seat like a beetle, he turns on Sleep With Me and lets Tilney's voice read him some truly boring classics and calm him down. He doesn't expect to fall asleep, and he doesn't really, but for at least a few hours of the flight, he's able to stop panicking. Tilney pulls him into their little bubble, into the tent and the blanket cocoon of his unending support, and Alex tries to leave all of his baggage outside until they land.

-

He doesn't notice until he's flying home, but Tilney misses an upload that week. When he gets home, when he's talked to June and let the dust settle a bit and can finally take a moment for himself, he checks Tilney's twitter. Nothing, other than a few messages from past weeks promising he was doing his best in hard circumstances.

Of course Henry calls right as Alex is processing that, and of course he can tell that something is wrong, and because he's a good boyfriend, of course he asks about it. Which forces Alex to admit, "It's stupid. But there's this podcast I listen to, and the guy who makes it... this is honestly so dumb, and it's the tiniest thing I could possibly worry about, but I've been listening since high school and the guy who makes it has sort of just disappeared. There was supposed to be a new episode a day or two ago, and usually if it's late he'll tweet, but he hasn't. I don't know, it's dumb. I've never met the guy, but I fall asleep to him every night, and I know this is stupid, but it feels like... I don't know, like he's a friend or something. And I'm worried about him, since apparently I don't have enough in my regular life to worry about."

"I don't think it's stupid," Henry says, "he's someone you've started to depend on, and you trust him. Podcasts are a sort of intimate form of communication, and falling asleep with someone is intimate, too. If you've been listening for so long, it makes sense that it feels like he's a friend you have sleepovers with rather than a celebrity or something. I'm sure it's hard to feel like you've lost him, especially if he hasn't given any reason for it or any sign that he's alright."

"I mean, yeah, it's not like this is normal for him. I can't remember the last time he missed an episode and didn't tweet about it, and all his recent tweets are about how things are tough for him, so... I guess I just hope he's okay. Like even if he's not going to keep making Sleep With Me, that's fine, I just want-- what?"

When he'd mentioned the name of the podcast, Henry had made a sound he couldn't quite identify. It's something like surprise, but he's not entirely sure how to classify it.

"You listen to Sleep With Me."

"I have since high school. Do you listen to it? I guess he is from your country; that could make sense."

"Alex, you bloody thick... I make Sleep With Me. It's a stupid thing Pez and I started in Eton's sound lab, but then it helped people, so we kept it up. Do I listen... bloody hell."

"No. What? But you... you're Henry, and he's Tilney, and your... your voice. It's different, I swear. I compared it to an interview and everything." That had been a low point. He'd been five days into a week of ghosting and desperately wanted proof that they were different, and Tilney only sounded like Henry because they were both posh Brits. He can see now that confirmation bias may have played a roll in his final decision.

"Of course my voice sounds different when I'm in an interview. Prince Henry of Wales, playing the part of a perfect little straight heir to the throne, is going to sound different from Tilney, who's hiding behind a mic and just wants you to sleep. What, did you think... I mean, 'Tilney' is a reference to my actual name. Do they not teach Austen in your American schools? Have you really never experienced the masterpiece that is Northanger Abbey? Has June never even seen the movie?"

"Well I don't exactly admit to my sister that I listen to bedtime stories to fall asleep! That's not going to get her to worry less about me. But hang on. That night after I went on a date with Nora, you had an episode out. You said you supported my weird crushes, I remember, because that felt so good to hear that someone wasn't upset about us."

"I edited on the plane and uploaded from the hotel, and that's... that's exactly what I needed to hear, so that's what I said, and I hoped it would help someone else, too."

"Wait. Damn. I'm still just processing this, I mean, I knew you were good at words. You've got an Oxford degree in fancy words, but dude. Sleep With Me is like... next level good at words. And it's so smart. Seriously. I've got a whole separate twitter that's like half just a fan account for Sleep With Me because I love it so much."

"No. You're not... JustAlex?"

"That's me."

"Back in January, when you said you were having a personal crisis--"

"That was you, you obtuse fucking asshole! I was having a personal crisis because you kissed me and I couldn't stop thinking about it no matter what I did."

"That would explain why we always seemed to have trouble at the same time." Henry's started to laugh just a bit, and Alex grins.

"Well, um, I guess it's nice to know I don't have to worry about Tilney. How are things there? I guess the Queen Mother hasn't had you assassinated yet?"

Henry laughs, and things start to feel like they're going to be alright again. They can still talk and laugh, they have each other, and they're putting the rest of the pieces back together one by one. When Alex starts yawning, Henry offers to hang up and let him sleep, but Alex stops him.

"You... you don't have to, but do you happen to have a copy of The Iliad handy?"

"I could certainly find it."

"Would... if you don't want to that's alright, but would you mind reading to me? Just for a bit. I... I really liked it when you read, on the podcast, I mean; it... those ones felt special." In the reading episodes, Tilney-- Henry-- wasn't a parent or a storyteller anymore. He was just like Alex, trying to make things work as best he could.

"Of course I'll read to you, Alex. I will read to you every night if that will help you sleep. Get ready for bed, and I'll go find the book and a particularly boring section."

When they come back together, Alex puts his phone on speaker and Henry starts to read, occasionally slipping in an 'I love you so much' or a 'you deserve a good night's sleep, and I'm glad I can help you get one'. Alex is snoring before long, and Henry closes the book. He picks up his phone and says softly, "I love you, Alex. You are the best, most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I hope that someday, I get to watch you fall asleep to my voice. Until then, I will always be here for you, in impersonal bedrooms, in your podcast app, and someday soon, in your arms."

On AO3

[curlsincriminology]

The Pick-Up Artist - BAU x Reader

Prompt: Y/N is Reid’s friend that the team doesn’t know about. On a night out, the team watches Morgan try to pick them up and fail. Miserably.

A/N: Purposefully left Y/N ungendered for you, my lovely friends! Also, in my mind, Derek and Luke are just buds! Who are at the BAU at the same time because I said so!! Also I didn’t really proof this because I’m tired and lazy

Criminal Minds Masterlist | Complete Writing Masterpost

 The members of the BAU had just finished a particularly grueling case.

 There were child hostages involved as well as a high stakes shoot out, but they had been lucky enough to escape any civilian casualties. Once the jet had landed on the tarmac, there had been a unanimous decision that they all deserved drinks. Lots of drinks.

 While several of the agents had opted for those drinks at their own residences, Emily Prentiss had pulled Alvez, Reid, and Morgan along with her to her bar of choice—a bar that just happened to be a few blocks away from your place of work.

“And, Y/N, you will not believe what she said next!” Your co-worker Jeanine was rambling on about her roommate troubles and you did your best to appear interested and understanding. To be honest, you had lost the thread of the story several minutes ago. The bar was loud, the combination of music and conversation pulling more of your attention than a second-hand roommates’ squabble over who left their dirty dishes in the sink.

 “Mhm.” The straw in your drink muffled your agreement, but that didn’t stop Jeanine. She continued her tirade with exuberance causing the copper curls that adorned her head to bounce wildly. She was so focused in her recounting that you weren’t sure she would notice if fell asleep right there and then. And oh god, did you want to.  

 From the table they had chosen, Derek nudged Luke, a hungry look in his eyes as he gestured towards you. Luke let out a low whistle and nodded in agreement. “Nice.”

 “What? What’s nice?” Spencer asked, craning around in his seat to find the object of their fixation. “Oh.”  He recognized you immediately, faintly surprised to see his family friend outside of the typical setting of a boring and parentally prearranged get-together. The two of you had reconnected when you moved to Virginia, your parents more than happy that the “smart little boy” down the street would be so close to you in a new city.

 “Oh come on guys, really?” Disdain flooded Emily’s voice as she rolled her eyes. Luke and Spencer turned back around to face her, but Derek continued sizing you up.

 “That pretty little thing over there is sorely lacking in attention. Excuse me.” Derek ignored the clucks of annoyance from his coworkers as he left.

 The man who had approached you was incredibly handsome, his dark features twisted into a confident grin. “Hot stuff, you must be exhausted. You have been running through my mind all day.”

 You could feel the severity of Jeanine’s eye roll, and it took all of your strength to avoid rolling your own. “Does that line ever work for you? Be honest.” Your lack of interest didn’t seem to register on him as he shot you another mega-watt smile.

 “You’d be surprised. I’m on a bit of a lucky streak.”

  You scoffed, turning to face him from on top of your bar-stool. “Well, I guess that makes me your run-wrecker.”

 The man leaned forward towards you and you instinctively leaned back. You saw uncertainty flash briefly in his eyes but it was quickly replaced by a refined confidence. “Oh come on, baby. Don’t be like that. What’s your name?”

 “It’s ‘Thank you, but I’m not interested’.” The man grabbed at his chest, a feigned look of pain covering his face.

 “You’re really going to shut me down just like that? How am I supposed to go on?”

 “I’m sure you’ll manage. Have a good night.” That finally seemed to work. He gave an embarrassed chuckle as he headed back to his table, the weight of your rejection clearly weighing on him.

 Jeanine giggled quietly beside you. “God, Y/N. I can’t take you anywhere.” You shrugged, an amused smile passing over your face as you sipped at your drink.

 “That was… embarrassing.” Spencer choked out, his laugh echoing Luke’s as Derek resumed his seat at the table.

 His shoulders tensed as he grabbed at his glass. “Ain’t no thing… sometimes you strikeout. It happens.”

 Spencer snorted, playing with the straw in his drink while he smirked cheekily. “Right, but not as badly as what we just witnessed.”

 Emily tried to hide her chuckle as Morgan shot the youngest of the group a devastating look. “All right, Pretty Boy, all right. I bet there’s no way you could have scored a date either.”

 “Oh? That sounds like a challenge.”

 “Tell you what. If you can go over there and get a number, I’ll do your paperwork for a month.”

 Spencer’s smile grew exponentially. “Make it two and we have a deal.” Derek nodded his head from across the table, and the doctor clambered out of his chair before jokingly straightening his tie and fixing his hair. “Prepare to be amazed.”

 You hadn’t noticed him in the large crowd before, but as the young doctor tapped you on your shoulder you unleashed a blinding smile.  “Hey you!” Being extremely familiar with his aversion to hugs, you resolved to give him an affectionate squeeze on his forearm.

 “Hey, Y/N. Jeanine.”

 “Hi, Spencer.” Your co-worker gave him a small finger wave.  You were surprised she had remembered his name given she had only met him once several months ago when he came to pick you up for lunch. But you supposed it was hard to forget the name of the person who insisted on spending the fifteen minutes he had been waiting for you debating the dangers of overusing technology… while you held the position of social media coordinator.

 From Spencer’s position with his back to the rest of his team, you could see they were all staring at you intently.  

 He swallowed quickly, taking a step towards you. Your eyes widened slightly when he rested his hand, somewhat awkwardly, on your bicep. Spencer spoke rapidly and in low tones, the urgency in his voice drawing you closer.

 “Look, Y/N, I know this is really odd but that guy who was trying to pick you up earlier is one of my colleagues—no! Don’t look!” Your eyes snapped back quickly to your old friend’s face as he continued. “He just insinuated that I would never have the guts or skill to get someone like you out on a date.”

 This explained why his slender fingers were now tracing somewhat lazy circles on your arm as his breath brushed against your face in an oddly intimate way.

 “Would you do me a huge favour, and just—.”

 You pulled away from your friend slightly as the understanding dawned on you, reaching out to play with a stray strand of his curly hair.  You’d spent most of your childhood defending Spencer Reid from bullies—coming to his rescue was second nature.

 “Your place or mine?” You asked louder than necessary, smirking briefly at the shocked expressions that passed over his team’s face before assuming a rather seductive smoulder. Spencer’s face reddened, taken aback at your willingness to play along. He mouthed a silent, “thank you.”  

 Lacing your fingers into his, you turned to Jeanine. “I’ll see you Monday?”

 She raised her drink in confirmation and you grabbed your wallet to pay out your tab. You almost missed Spencer shooting a triumphant look back at his table. Almost.

 The FBI agents watched in stunned silence as the pair of you left the crowded bar. Luke was the first to speak, his eyes wide with pride and disbelief. “Did… did Pretty Boy just?”

 “Nah, they’ll probably just go to his place and he’ll ramble on about the works of Chaucer, or ‘The Iliad’” Derek said, a tinge of saltiness in his voice.

 Emily giggled. “Aww, Derek. You’re mad that he found someone who was interested in him?”

 “No, he’s mad that the got shut down so severely that we should’ve probably called an ambulance.” Luke snickered as the other man bristled. “Spence is taking them home and he couldn’t even get a number.”

 “Whatever.” Derek pushed back from the table, standing abruptly. “I leave for five minutes and now the kid’s got game. I’m getting another drink.”

 “Don’t drink too much,” Emily shouted after him with a grin. “You’ve got a lot of paperwork to do!

_______

@dontshootmespence​ @thetenthdoctorscompanion​ @literallyprentissstwin​ @watchoutforfrostbite​ @inkstainedfanfics​

Please let me know if you want to be added (or removed dfsknds) from my tag list

[definitelyameatbag]

Perri meets the Biker

A quick fic inspired by @drawbauchery‘s Biker/Librarian AU and the art they’ve done for it.

---“...and she had spent the entire night locked in there!”, concluded Laplace, giving an anecdote about her coworker as they returned through the doors, “It was good we had a group from Medieval Studies come in the morning, I can assure you they had the scare of their lives!”

The tale of the archivist’s plight had Perri in a giggle, her stomach aching, all the while sparing some pity for Amy, Perri remembering a traumatising experience involving locking herself in the bathroom as a little girl. “God, this Amy sounds like a riot!”

 “If you mean she’s unplanned and uncontrollable, then I’ll have to agree with you!”, beamed Laplace, laughing as well, although still trying to keep it reserved. “But she’s a sweetheart when you get to know her.” Shrugging her shoulders, she walked around her desk and took her seat again, noting the meager pile of books in her ‘Return’ bin. “Ah, this can probably still go a few hours before sorting. The year is young, and when the work for the students gets harder, so it will for us. But, for now...”, she peered into the bin, tongue stuck out, rather like a kitty, Perri observed, “Hmm, Homer, Voltaire, Yeats, good places for anyone to start as far as all are concerned...”

 Perri once heard a saying, ‘Make sure you are friends with a librarian.’ This did her good service when getting her degree, her old librarian was the best search engine she could ever have. He wouldn’t give her 100,000 searches, but he’d give her the three that she needed. She looked into the bin, seeing The Iliad on the top of the small pile. She reached in and--

 “Ah. Ah. Nope!”, interrupted Laplace, raising a finger. “No removing books from the bin. Those are the Rules.” Picking up the book herself, she checked the front page, and turned to her computer, typing one key at a time. “I cannot ever get used to typing.”, she admitted, seeming regretful. “I’m useless at it. I suppose you’d be much better at it than I.”

 “Uhh, I suppose.”, responded Perri, cheeks going rosey as she scratched her head. “I once clocked myself at about 80 words a minute.” At the corner of her eye was an open notebook on Laplace’s desk, half filled and with one of those old-style fountain pens sitting on top of it. Perri could see it clearly enough that it was some of the most beautiful calligraphy she ever saw. She hadn’t written in cursive since she was eight years old, and she could hardly remember the last time she wrote something down longer than a shopping list.

 “My word, I wish I could be that fast!”, complemented Laplace, finishing the processing of the book. “And here you are, Ms. Fifecksgee, I present to you Homer’s Iliad.”, she handed out the book with two hands and a bow, in a way Perri imagined was a little more dramatic than how she regularly did it, but she couldn’t be entirely sure. She grabbed the book with both hands, instinctively returning the bow. “Wow. Thanks for the...suggestion, I guess? I’ll give it a read when I can.”

 Laplace smiled from ear to ear, “Great! Just pop it back in when you’re done, don’t try to put it on the shelves, and obviously don’t fold the pages. Oh!” She ruffled through her desk to find something, picking up a strip of paper. “You can borrow one of mine!”

 Perri accepted the bookmark. She could see that it had a drawing of two cats, one green and the other blue, having an eskimo kiss, with a heart above their heads. Noticing which one she had just given Perri, Laplace blushed, “Umm, I have other ones if you--”

 “No, no, this is lovely.”, Perri cut her off, pulling in to emphasise, “You been very...friendly, to me. I never thought I would ever pick up a book like this. Usually it would just be some New Wave Sci Fi or mang--well, comic books.”

 Laplace gave a warm chuff. “Well, you’ll have to bring me some issues to make it fair. I suppose Superman always appealed to me.”

 “Heh.”, Perri answered, nervously, “Yeah, I’ll bring something at some point.” Leaving unmentioned exactly what kind of comics she collected. She’d probably be fired if she brought them onto campus grounds.

 “Well, I suppose I shall see you later, Perri. Thank you for the tea.”

 ---

 Perri’s mind buzzed as she went back to her desk. She always thought artsy students were, well, dim, but the deep knowledge Laplace had was impressive. She had a habit of running her tongue, but she never seemed to be ‘snooty’ about it, probably out of the sheer, although collected, enthusiasm she had about talking about such things. Perri never thought she would do anything but hate poetry and history and mythology, but Laplace had something to her...sweetness?...that made it all sound wonderful. She passed the library’s section on calculus, think about how she talked about her work. She never thought of herself as being particularly good at explaining to people her work, she’d slip and stutter and then she’d see them getting bored and finally she’d just stop talking. She was proud at managing to graduate, extremely proud, but even her own parents couldn’t ever see the beauty of something as basic as running a simplex algorithm, aside from being told about the salaries that await people who are good at it.

 But Laplace, she was so patient, so genuinely interested in her field, even if she herself was terrible with computers. She felt good about sharing her expertise with her, and she felt better learning about her interests, she wanted to know more about them, she wanted to know more about...her...

 Her legs wobbled as she walked into her office. She felt queasy, but swallowed it down. Must’ve been the tuna sandwich, she told herself, falling into the chair. Maybe it was just the flu returning to campus. She shook her head straight and turned her eyes to the computer. A bead of sweat feel from her forehead as she finished reading the line about someone, somehow, managing to turn off antivirius in every computer in one of the admin offices, half an hour ago.

 Taking a deep breath, she checked her watch. 2:00PM. She checked how many computers were infected. She reckoned she’d have the job done by six.

 ---

 On Mondays, buses ran from the campus until 11:00PM, and Perri managed to get halfway through the light rain until watching the last bus pull away from the stop.

 “Wait, WAIT! STOP!”, her sprint quickly burnt out, like the Shooting Star of Hope promptly disintegrating upon hitting the Atmosphere of Despair, and blew off the urge to curse with a few stomps on the ground.

 Through the darkness, through the rain, she saw something glisten in the corner of her eye, as she walked towards administration to call a taxi. The carpark nearest the library was nearly empty, aside from two forms near the bike railings. The larger one reflected the Moon and streetlamps like metal, and the smaller one seemed to be moving around it.

 Paying closer attention, it seemed to Perri that the light it reflected off was a familiar shade of blue.

 “Hey!”, she shouted, frustrations with infected computers boiling over any rational human response to probably not try to start business with bikers. She stomped towards bike and biker as intimidatingly as possible. In short, ‘not very’. “Yu nearly ran me over this morning! I demand to be given an apolog--”

 She stopped in her tracks, about ten feet away from the bike and its rider, who turned to face her, not in a combative stance, as the rational part of her brain had tried to scream at was likely, but in surprise, recoiling back with a gasp, bring their hands up to their mouth. “Perri?”, came a familiar voice.

 The thought offended Perri’s common sense that she was reluctant to name it. It sounded mad.

 “Laplace?”

 The form took a few steps forward, coming into the light. It revealed Laplace, without her sweater and scarf, instead wearing a black leather jacket, unzipped, and a white tank top.

 Laplace was the first to react, speaking in a rushed tone, “Oh Perri, I’m so sorry for this morning! I rode in and I nearly didn’t see someone walking out and I just swerved at the last second and--”

 “Laplace, it’s ok!”, Perri nearly shouted over what seemed to be Laplace’s dive into a panic attack. She reached out with her hands, not entirely sure way, and Laplace lowered down her own hands and grabbed them. Laplace seemed to have the start of tears in her eyes, but her hastening breathing slowed down again as she squeezed Perris hands. “Listen, I’m not angry. Hey, I didn’t look both ways, it’s as much my fault as well.” Perri’s brain still ticked over the confusing sight before her.

 “No, don’t apologise, I should have turned around and apologise to you this morning. It’s just...” Laplace huffed. “I was too shy.”

 Perri was confused, unashamedly so, and the face Laplace saw told her she needed to explain further. She blushed, presumably at having been ‘caught’ by someone she knew for one day.

 “I thought it would attract unwanted attention if people found out the Librarian was a...’Biker Chick’. I worked in other places before this, and I would just get...followers. People who wouldn’t leave me alone.” Her face flashed in panic, and she pulled Perri towards her. “Please don’t tell anybody! Please!”

 Perri stared straight into her trembling eyes, she heard her give a soft whimper and she pleaded.

 Perri regained her footing, raising both pairs of hands up to chest level, and smiled, “Your secret is safe with me.”

 Laplace sighed in relief, releasing Perri’s hands and throwing her arms around her back, squeezing tight. “Thank you, Perri.”

 Perri was left winded from the sudden grip around her lungs, but just about managed to return the hug. She was almost reluctant to ask any more questions less the night get any stranger.

 “So, why do you...well, why do you ride a bike?”

 Laplace released her slowly, before turning to look at the motorcycle beside her. She spoke slowly, some reluctance behind divulging it, “When I was little, I had trouble...talking, to people. Not responding to cues. Or sometimes just repeating what was said to me. ‘Like talking to a mirror’, my grandmother used to say. So, I got put into equine therapy by my parents, and it...helped. Learning to focus my brain on multiple things at once, bonding with the horse, it helped me...’rewire my brain’, to some extent. That is probably just how I imagine it, rather than how it helped, but I could understand people better after it. Obviously, I can’t afford to own a horse, but then, when I was 17, I got my first motorbike. A tiny thing, it was a surprise it stayed together, but when it’s feels a lot like riding a horse. I can feel myself becoming more confident just putting on the jacket, I can practically walk on air after a ride. You feel like a knight leading a charge as you fly down that road.”

 Laplace turned to Perri again, noticing her looking at the back of her jacket. “Oh, heh, it was a gift from my parents when I came to the city. Artificial leather, of course.” She turned again to show Perri the full pattern on her back, two blue angels wings unfurled in a ‘w’ shape, with words along the top.

 “Blue Bird.”, read Perri.

 She turned and faced Perri, sitting down on the seat of the bike. “So, yeah, now only you and Amy know.”

 “Oh, you can trust me, I won’t tell anyone.” An awkward silence loomed, which made Perri realise that it was no longer raining. “Well, uhh, I need to call a taxi, so...”

 “Oh?”, Laplace’s cheeks began to blush again. “Well, I can give you a ride home if you want.”

 Perri suddenly felt short of air. “Ah, um, isn’t that called...?”

 Laplace interrupted, “Well, the proper way of saying it is ‘Riding Pillion’. I have one installed, Amy sometimes needs a ride.”

 Perri looked at the bike uncertainly. “I’ve never rode one before, but...well, I can hardly afford to use taxis on my budget, so I guess I’ll say yes.”

 Laplace jumped in the spot and flashed a grin. “Yay! Well...” turning to the bike and boarding it, swinging her left leg around and falling onto the pad, she kicked off the stands. “You better hold on tight!”

 Something about the sight before her made Perri quake. We wanted it to be anxiety.

“You..do wear your glasses when you ride, though?”

Laplace looked offended, “Of course! I’m not an animal.”

 Before her brain told her to stop, Perri duly boarded the pad behind Laplace. “Oh, here’s my helmet, if you want.”

 Perri automatically took the black helmet and slid it onto her head. “Alright, tell me when you’re starting o--”

 With a kick of the starter, the bike revved into life, causing Perri to grab tightly onto Laplace. “Ahhh!”

 With a laugh, and turning to see the helmeted Perri clutching tightly to her shoulder, Laplace hit the pedal and drove out of the campus grounds.

[my-bobohu-blog]

[170401] a personal update and a very detailed list of my future plans that give me a reason to keep living

so... i’ve been having a rough time again. i don’t even remember if i wrote it down or not? if i recorded it anywhere... but these past couple of days... or weeks i guess... it just felt like i was thrown back into the dark and it felt... terrifying. there was a day when i just couldn’t get out of bed because i just couldn’t? i tried and i wanted to but it just... wasn’t working... i couldn’t function and it felt like i was falling apart but i couldn’t figure out why no matter how many times i tried to walk myself through my emotions. it just felt like i was turned off. and now being back at school at that godforsaken school... it feels 100x worse. i just... i hate being there so much and it makes me feel so empty inside. 

sigh. i wanted to journal about all of this but the words never come out right and it takes so much more effort to format it correctly where it’ll work with my brain. but this works too because i can edit things quickly and cleanly without scribbling all over my cute little journal. and sometimes it just takes to long to write everything i want to say and my hand can’t keep up with my thoughts and i don’t want to leave anything out because my little plans for the future are important to me and even the smallest plans bring me a lot of joy so i just... i want to keep track of them all, mm? 

okay... so... i guess i’ll start listing off my future plans one by one in chronological order because it brings me a kind of peace and it makes me happy knowing that i’ll be capable of achieving these things one day...

for this weekend:

start my poetry readings (homer’s iliad) and idk just be a bit more active in my learning instead of trying to just run away from it

check canvas for any global health readings too so i can plan time to do those readings before monday’s class

watch ep 12 of swdbs (hehehe tonight hopefully after i take a nice shower and put my hair into braids)

for this coming week:

i will go to all my classes this week. no more skips. and i’ll get on top of my work (which isn’t much i don’t think) but i will be prepared

go bowling with hai maybe? i don’t know. we’ll see and i think i should be more honest with myself when it comes to him too

i wanna start a drama (the one with joy and lee hyun woo) and also keep watching grey’s anatomy and running man 

the weather is supposed to be nicer on monday through wednesday so maybe i’ll go to the zoo one of those days and see my baby otter pups

i should get my genetics and a&p credits transferred before something miraculously stupid happens like uw expels me for kicks and giggles

deposit money into the bank account to pay off my bills and to make up for all the shit i spent money on these past couple months (no regrets)

look cute one of these days and go take some selfies by the cherry blossoms @ the quad... which would be cool, hmm?

buy some more strawberry milk bc it makes me happy :) 

for this month:

go to the zoo at least twice to visit the baby otter pups and to just... enjoy the zoo whether it’s on my own or with company

no skipping classes in april to the best of your ability... because may and june might be hard and i need to keep it together at least one month

make sure to have a bad day preparedness plan just in case the bad days are bad and skipping isn’t an option

figure out a schedule to start working out on a weekly basis- but at the very least start working out at home or something

buy some cool socks and make hai a picture ornament for his birthday that’s coming up

fly to la to see fey, exo, and some sunshine LOL~ remember to have a good time and to just enjoy life as it comes

trim bangs 

for this school year:

pray like there’s no tomorrow that i got into the MLS program because it means the world to me and i want to stop being disappointed by life

pray some more just in case and just... pray a lot, hmm? just... lots of praying tbvh

apply to the biology major (ba bc bs is a pain in the ass even if it’s just one more physics class- fuck that)

do my best to just finish this quarter strong and to just get through it no matter what it may throw at me

drive to the beach on a really sunny/warm day and just feel the wind blow through my hair and enjoy life

transfer every single one of my credits and just get that taken care of so that i can figure out my next steps at this godforsaken school

go to oshian’s graduation and get her the most kickass present i can think of/make because she deserves it more than the world

for the future and beyond:

get into the mls program and totally kick ass by being motivated to learn new shit and making friends with my small cohort

get into the bio major and kick ass at that too because biology is just in my blood and engraved in my heart at this point

take a shit ton of challenging classes that make life worth living and do my clinical rotations and kick ass at that too because it’s lab and i love it

graduate with a bs in mls and a ba in bio and a minor in chem and if i’m feeling ambitious lets just tag on a minor in microbio too if i can

but really, graduate with at least a bs in mls because that’s what matters and i’m gonna do great with that too

apply to hospitals in seattle and boston and move to boston if there’s a place for me there

go on a big ass trip of joys and wonders after i graduate and before i move for my big senior solo trip

visit south korea, japan, and taiwan~ (maybe schedule it around the time of an exo concert, mm? and go to hot springs in japan~)

visit sm coex, go to pet cafes, run through the taiwanese night markets, eat all the delicious foods, just... live and be happy and explore

move to boston (hopefully) and start over with a new life with a job at a wonderful hospital~ live there for 2-3 years and see how it goes

go to farmers’ markets and buy myself fruits and flowers, learn how to cook more, live on my own, drink wine and watch netflix on my own

get a corgi and name it bubby and love it more than anything else in the world because it will be my lil love and my lil bub and it will own my soul

travel to europe and visit england, spain, france, and germany and idk anywhere in between wherever my heart takes me

apply to graduate school (maybe u of maryland) and get a masters in the pathologists’ assistant program 

become a freaking pathologists’ assistant??? and make $100k+ a year??? and kick fucking ass??? 

open up Bubby’s Bookshop (latter half of name still pending) as a safe space for ppl to go and be at peace

oh and adopt lola (or lolo) and my cat sparkles~ and shower them with all the love in the world

make special spaces in bubby’s bookshop like lola’s library and sparkles’ safe space w/ lil themes for ppl to seek comfort in

maybe get my phd??? so that i can be the lab director of a lab one day and just... still totally kick ass? because... that would be awesome

dr. elaine~ ayeeeeee LOLOLOL but really... that would be kind of really great and cool and exciting

buy a beach house or something... maybe start small and just rent a beachside apartment ya know? but... i’ll get there ;)

live simply, humbly, and happily

for everything in between my life plans:

remain flexible and have back ups and don’t be afraid to let go of certain future plans simply because they aren’t gonna work out

if i don’t get into the mls program, then i’ll get my bio degree and get a certification program in mls and i’ll go from there and adjust accordingly

if i choose a path different from pathologists’ assistant, then that’s cool too as long as i enjoy whatever path i take

hope and pray that my heart still belongs in labs and that truly where i am happy and where my soul resides

if not, then i can figure out something else from there too. there will always be time

for the bad days and the good days and life in between:

tell someone (oshian probably bc she’s my person) whenever those bad waves come before i start to drown too deeply

do not be afraid to reach out and to just... ask for help no matter how much of a burden i feel like i am... because i still matter and i need help

go to the zoo often and go to the beach often and just go places often. try to avoid holing myself in my room if i can avoid it

take advantage of good opportunities and try to put myself out there every once in a while- like good internships

keep friends. don’t push them away... because they matter and they’re important and they are everything

dude, go out to eat with other people. like literally anyone and not just by myself bc sometimes it’s a tad depressing and company is fucking gr8

take care of myself and know my own limits because those are essential to my sanity and my health and hopefully it will get better

but if it doesn’t, at least i’ll still have me and i will get myself through every single bad day in life and i will persevere and survive

even if this is the longest shit i’ve written it still feels so incomplete? like i’m missing something or that i’m leaving out some small details that really matter... but... i think that’s okay, hmm? i hope... i hope i can achieve these things or at least still remain true to the heart and soul that is striving after these things. 

i want to be better. i want to be a better elaine that little-elaine can look up to and be proud of. i want big-elaine to look back and think, “you did good little one. thank you for the strength to get us to this point. you did good.” because that matters and because... because even if i make all these plans, i’m still scared that something is going to go wrong with my heart and my soul and that somewhere underneath all of this is someone who is rotten at the core and... and i hope that’s not true... but i’m trying. i’m trying my best and i’m trying to be the best i can be even if that just means buying strawberry milk on a wednesday to help me get through the rest of the week. and i don’t know if that made sense... but it matters to me. because... because i’ve gone through a shit ton and i don’t always think i’m a good person... but goddammit i’m trying and that has to count for something... it has to matter to me that i’m trying. 

sigh. 

none of my future plans really have people involved specifically... except osh bc she’s my best friend and i will fight like hell to keep her in my life even if i’m living across the country. but... there’s no plans for a boyfriend or a husband... because... because i feel like if i do that then i’ll be weak and that somehow having plans will break my heart when they don’t come true because they never do. so idk... i don’t even know why i wanted to mention this but i also kind of know because i told myself i’d be honest with myself today. and the truth is... i’m scared of being alone and i’m scared of settling and i’m scared of being with someone i’m unhappy with so i’d rather just be alone because i can control how i feel about myself and i can control those aspects of my future because they’re my future and someone else’s future isn’t a part of that- not really. and... and i’m scared of someone walking in and changing my plans and then walking right back out after damage has been done... and i’m scared because i can’t control their feelings but... but i don’t want to have to pick up all my broken pieces each time someone walks out of my life either. i’ve grown so tired of it. 

but... but i won’t lie. i want someone who is gonna hug me at the end of the day and kiss me on the forehead and hold my hand and tell me that even on my worse days, things are going to be okay... that i’m going to be okay. because they’ll know that only me telling myself those things isn’t always enough so they’re there to support me too. and... and i want to love someone. really love someone and just... link arms with them and let them cuddle up with me in bed and tell them about my future plans and ask about theirs and maybe make future plans together. my goodness i don’t want to end up alone but i feel like i will just because i’m too fucking scared to include anyone in my future... but... i hope... i really hope that i won’t end up alone. which is a stupid sentiment by the way bc i have osh and my family who love and adore me and would do anything for me... and i’m still trying to figure out what i mean when i want someone to love me... and i guess i mean that in a s/o kind of way but... but still... it just... feels weird. like i want someone special but osh and family are still special and i don’t know how to specify what i want in words but i think it’s understandable but i wish i could just break it down and really make sense of what i want... sigh. idk... i’m just rambling at this point.

alright... i’m growing tired because i’m still not sure what the point of these last few points were. anyways.

to my little love (aka me), you are doing great and i’m proud of you. even if the depression feels like it’s eating you alive- you are going to survive this. you have goals and plans and it’s going to be okay because you’re smart and you’re going to fight and you’re going to survive this and it’s going to get better. even if life decides to screw you over at every corner you turn, you’re going to persevere and make it through. even if you have to suffer, you will fucking persevere because that’s just what you do and that’s what your heart is made of. it was meant to persevere even in the toughest times that test you and make you want to give up- you never will. even if there are smaller things that occupy your mind and your time- even if there are things that make you more vulnerable than you ever anticipated despite you knowing it shouldn’t- you’re gonna be okay and it’s going to be okay. you are going to accomplish all your goals in the best of your ability and you’re going to have a bright future because that’s just who and what you are. you are light and you are meant to live simply and brightly and it’s going to be okay. and even if you find yourself in the darkness, you will light your own way and figure your way out. you are strong my little potato bud. you are going to be great and i am so proud of you.