#I talk about irrelevant stuff again today but I’m sad and emotional so let me have that

[writerfae]

Also when Talon remains crown guard instead of taking over the lead at his house, I imagine he’d end up as guard of one of Henry’s children (you know once Aiden isn’t there anymore or even while he’s there still cause he only visits)

And I think he’s considered part of the family at that point and in my heart I know that even after Aiden is long gone the kids still refer to Talon as their “uncle”

[xoxoavenger]

Crazy

pairing: Luke Skywalker x reader

summary: Y/N goes a little crazy when Luke doesn't return from his patrol, and she definitely outs their secret relationship.

word count: 3624

warnings: cannon typical injury

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"Do you have to go?" Y/N asked, grabbing Luke's arm before he slipped out of the bed.

"If I don't go now, people will get suspicious and come looking for me." Luke kissed her neck, and she rolled onto her back.

"I'm sorry you're so popular, but that's not my fault." Y/N said, eyes still closed and still hanging onto him.

"Y/N," Luke whined, falling back into bed with her as she pulled at him.

"I think you're sick today." Y/N said, placing her arms around him and making him as close as he could be to her.

"There will still be people looking for me. I have to go." Luke kissed her head, untangling himself from her. "You should probably get up too, Y/N." Luke began putting on the extensive layers he had to have on in order to not freeze on this ice planet.

"I don't want to." She mumbled, and he rolled his eyes fondly at her.

"Come on." Luke pulled her up, and she finally opened her eyes. Luke had two layers out of the five he normally put on for missions, and Y/N pouted.

"Why did you put your clothes on?" She asked, and Luke let out a small laugh.

"Because it's cold. You need to put your clothes on too." Luke grabbed Y/N's long sleeved under shirt, and she lifted her arms up so he could put it over her. "Are you ready to go to work today?" Luke asked, getting dressed himself after helping Y/N.

"No." She muttered, wiping her eyes. "Can you do my hair?" Y/N asked, and Luke smiled at her.

"I can't do it as well as Leia does, Y/N. You know that." Luke said, but he still moved behind Y/N and began braiding her hair in two sections. "Here's your hat, love." Luke put the hat on Y/N, and she smiled at him.

"Be careful." She said, leaning on her tip toes to kiss him. He kissed back, lips warm against her cold body.

"I'm always careful." He smirked as they parted.

"Keep talking like that and you'll sound like Han." Y/N smirked, and Luke huffed out a breath. "I'm serious, Luke. I don't know what I'd do without you." She placed her hands on his chest, wishing he would be closer to her than the millions of layers between them to keep them warm.

"I know. You'd go crazier than you already are, Y/N." Luke smiled, hands rubbing his hands up and down her hips.

"Stop it!" Y/N whined, hitting his chest.

"I love you." Luke said, bringing her close.

"I thought you had to leave." Y/N rested her head on his chest.

"I do." He kissed her forehead.

"I love you too." Y/N kissed Luke one more time before the separated and made their way to their respective jobs.

~

"Han? Where's Luke?" Y/N asked as soon as Han walked into the control room. She knew Luke hadn't checked in yet, and he never forgets.

"He's checking out a meteorite that hit near him." Han answered.

"Alone?"

"With all the meteor activity in this system, it's going to be difficult to spot approaching ships." Y/N's question was disregarded, and she felt her heart race. Something wasn't right.

"General, I got to leave. I can't stay anymore." Han said, and Y/N looked over at Leia. She knew the princess had feelings for the captain, even if she would never admit it out loud.

"What?" Leia turned to see Y/N staring at her.

"Tell him how you feel, Leia! You don't really want him to leave, do you?" Y/N asked, and Liea turned to look at Han again, who was still talking to the General.

"When are you going to tell Luke how you feel, Y/N?" Leia whispered, and Y/N rolled her eyes. Luke and her were still new at the whole love thing, so no one knew about what happened behind closed doors.

"Well, Your Highness, guess this is it." Han said, and Y/N and Leia turned to see Han now behind them.

"That's right." Leia nodded.

"We hate to see you go, Han." Y/N said, and Han shoved her slightly.

"Don't tell me things you don't mean." He smirked, before looking at Leia. "Well, don't get all mushy on me, Princess. So long." And then Han was out the door. Leia and Y/N shared a look before Liea was after him, leaving Y/N to wonder where Luke was.

~

"Han!" Y/N yelled, making the man stand up and move from under his ship.

"What now?" He asked, and Y/N shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts.

"Where's Luke?" She asked, and Han's face immediately changed to concern.

"What do you mean?"

"He hasn't come back yet. Leia and I don't know where he is, and the temperature is starting to drop and-"

"Hold on, honey. I don't know where he is." Han informed her.

"Nobody knows where he is." C-3PO informed them, and Y/N and Han turned to see the gold machine standing beside them.

"Nobody?" Y/N muttered.

"What do you mean, nobody knows?" Han asked, and Y/N's heart picked up its pace as if she was sprinting. "Deck Officer!" Han was yelling before 3PO could speak.

"Excuse me, sir, might I-"

"Shut it, 3PO." Y/N mumbled, following Han.

"Do you know where Commander Skywalker is?" Han asked.

"I haven't seen him." Y/N shut her eyes as the man spoke, trying to think of the best case scenario as stomach churned.

"Is it possible he came in through the south entrance?" Y/N asked, eyes still closed.

"Yes."

"It's possible? Why don't you go find out? It's getting dark out there." Han commanded.

"Yes, sir." The man responded, and it was quiet until Y/N felt hands on her shoulders.

"Y/N?" Han's voice cut through her thoughts, and she opened her eyes. "Are you alright? You're breathing really heavily." Han said, and Y/N nodded, although her breath intake increased.

"Hey, calm down. You're going to make yourself pass out." Han put a gloved hand on her face, and Y/N didn't react. "You probably need some sleep, I'm guessing. Are you tired?" Han had no idea what he was doing, but Luke's best friend was freaking out and normally he dealt with this sort of stuff.

"We need to find Luke." Y/N muttered, suddenly grabbing a helmet and scarf. She was putting them on, glassy look in her eyes.

"You need to stay here, Y/N." Han said, hands still on her shoulders. "Are you okay? You're shaking." Han was staring at Y/N, concerned. She was blinking rapidly and shaking behind the eye shield.

"I'm just cold. Come on, we need to find Luke." Y/N said, putting the helmet on.

"No, I'm going to find Luke. You're going to stay here." Han barely gave her time to finish her sentence. She began to walk away and he grabbed her, pulling her back. "Y/N, seriously. You're not going."

"Let go of me, Han, or I swear to-

"Stop fighting! You're not going!" Han yelled, and Y/N struggled in his arms weakly.

"I have to go! I have to help him!" Y/N yelled, but Han held onto her tightly.

"You can help him by staying here and working in the command center." He then moved to hug her, and she started to cry in his arms.

"Save him, please." She cried to him, and Han felt his heart break. Although Luke and Y/N never said anything about their relationship, Han knew there was something going on.

"I will. I promise."

~

"Sir, all the patrols are in." Y/N and Leia turned to hear the conversation between the two men.

"Still no-" Y/N turned her head as the man cut himself off, the pair obviously not wanting to say more because Leia and herself were there. "Still no contact from Skywalker or Solo." The man said quieter, and Leia grabbed Y/N's arm.

"Mistress Leia, Mistress Y/N, R2 says he's been quite unable to pick up any signals, although he does admit that his own range is far too weak to abandon all hope." 3PO informed them, and Y/N took a deep breath, wishing her emotions away.

"Your highness, there's nothing more we can do tonight." One of the men said to Leia, and Y/N turned her back to them, trying to clear her mind. It was going to be very cold at night, and Y/N knew it would be hard to survive.

"The shield doors must be closed."

"What?" Y/N cried out, spinning to face them.

"Y/N, we can't do anything until morning." Leia said, pain in her voice.

"They're going to freeze out there!" Y/N cried, and she heard Chewy let out a growl.

"Close the doors." Leia said, and Y/N felt her world collapse in on her, head spinning.

"He's going to die." Y/N mumbled, tears spilling out of her eyes. She looked to Leia, who had a sad frown on her face.

"We don't know that. Han and Luke are strong, Y/N, they can do this." Leia tried to comfort her, but Y/N just shook her head as more tears went tumbling down her cheeks. Just as she was about to fall, to let her body go numb, Chewy grabbed onto her, turning her to him and wrapping his long arms around her as she cried into his fur.

"R2 says the chances of survival are 725 to one." 3PO said, and then the loud clash of the door closing sounded, causing Y/N to cry out. 3PO kept talking, but Y/N drowned him out, sobbing into Chewbacca.

"I'm sure Luke and Han will be back in the morning." Leia's hand was at her back, and Y/N turned her face to see the princess, still holding tight to Chewy.

~

She slept the worst she has ever slept in her entire life, tossing and turning, her eyes not wanting to stay closed. Still, when she woke up, she was expecting to be in Luke's arms. Instead, she woke up next to a furball, and the pain of yesterday's events came crashing down. Y/N picked herself up, wiping a hand over her face. Her head was spinning, and her chest was hurting from her heart beating out of her chest for so long. She came out of the Millennium Falcon, which she barely remembers falling stumbling in and falling asleep, to see Leia pacing in the hanger.

"Did you even sleep?" Y/N asked, pulling her sleeves down.

"Did you?" Leia looked to Y/N, seeing the bags under her eyes, and then back to the open door. "They sent the rescue team out a little while ago. I'm waiting for word that they found them." Leia said over the irrelevant chatter of the rescue team.

"Hopefully they find something more than just frozen bodies." Y/N said, and Leia frowned at her.

"Have hope, Y/N. I'm sure they'll be okay." Leia put a hand on her shoulder, and Y/N smiled at her.

"Echo Base, this is Rouge Two. I've found them. Repeat, I've found them." Came through the comm, and Y/N and Leia both let out a sigh of relief, hugging each other. Y/N almost felt herself fall as her knees buckled, but Leia righted her.

Y/N and Leia awaited the plane that would be carrying Han and Luke, and Y/N rushed over to it as soon as they landed. Luke was being pushed on a medic carrier, and Y/N followed with it. He was pale, a black eye and cuts adorning his face. Y/N pushed the hair out of his face, feeling his cold skin.

"We need to get him into a bacta tank." Someone said, and Y/N looked up.

"Will he be okay?" Y/N asked, and someone in front of her stopped, making her stop. Luke kept going, and Y/N tried to get around the medic.

"He'll be fine, Ma'am. He will need to spend at least ten hours in the bacta tank, which is a hard sight to see. Are you sure you want to stay with him?" The man asked, and Y/N furrowed her brows in anger.

"Get out of my way." She said, pushing past him and running to keep up with Luke. She watched as he was hooked up to a breathing tube, and then stripped down. The droids slipped a machine over his arms before lifting him into the tank. Y/N made her way forwards toward the tank, placing her hands on the glass as she looked at Luke. He was completely unconscious, and every so often a droid attached to the tank would shock him, causing his back to arch and his body to tense.

Y/N stayed at the tank for twelve hours, sitting next to and leaning on it while watching Luke. She needed to make sure he was okay.

"You should get some sleep. He'll be pulled out soon." Han said, putting a hand on Y/N's shoulder. Han and Leia had been in and out with C-3PO and R2-D2, but Y/N had stayed the entire time, only eating a small portion of the food they had brought.

"I'm okay." Y/N said, smiling up at Han and wiping a hand across her face. He grimaced, and Y/N looked up at Luke, wishing he could just be close to her. Watching him float in the tank lifelessly was unsettling, and all she wanted to do was cuddle with him for an entire solstice.

"You need to sleep at some point. Chewy told me you barley slept on the Falcon last night, and it's getting late." Han told her, and Y/N looked back to him

"Exactly. I slept last night so I'm fine." Y/N told him.

"You need to eat and sleep, and then Luke will be out." Han pushed, and Y/N stood up.

"Why do you care? You were going to leave anyway." Y/N crossed her arms, and Han looked almost hurt.

"I was just trying to help you. Don't want you looking like more of a mess than normal when he comes out." Han said, and Y/N punched his shoulder.

"That's for leaving me here." Y/N seethed, and Han rolled his eyes.

"You would have died out there in your state. I was doing you a favor." He explained, and Y/N pushed Han. It wasn't hard, since she was so weak, but it still angered Han.

"Doing me a favor? I was trying to save him and you stopped me."

"You were going crazy, Y/N! You can't blame me for not taking you." He said, and Y/N frowned.

"I also promised Luke I wouldn't put you in danger if he were to go missing." Han said softly, and Y/N looked to her unconscious lover.

"Why?" She whispered, placing a hand on the tank.

"He loved you, ya know."

"Yeah, I do." Y/N let a tear slip out of her eye, and Han wiped it away.

"He'll be okay." He said, bringing Y/N into a side hug.

"I know, but I just want him to be okay now." She mumbled, placing her other hand on the tank, leaning against it.

"Will you rest now?" Han asked, hoping he'd get to her after that talk.

"I'm okay here." Y/N said, and Han sighed, but left to sleep anyway.

~

"Mistress Y/N?" Y/N woke up to 3PO's voice, and she looked around to realize she was still in the room they were keeping Luke in. She sat up, looking up to see Luke still floating in the tank. "They're taking Master Luke out now." 3PO informed her, and she stood to see Han and Leia also in the room. The droid detached from the tank, and Y/N stood with the others to watch Luke be lifted out of the tank. They set him on a bed, then toweled him down. They put new clothes on him and then whisked him away, Y/N in tow. Leia and Han met her on the way, and the three of them followed the bed until a droid stopped them.

"No humans allowed until Commander Skywalker is awake." The droid said, and Y/N scowled.

"I'm his girlfriend." Y/N explained.

"Doesn't matter. Commander Skywalker needs his rest." The droid responded.

"Well how long is that gonna take?" Han stepped up, defending Y/N.

"A least a few hours."

"What? No, I want to see him now." Y/N said, trying to get past the droid. It didn't budge.

"I'm afraid you can't. Please go to your room, and we will have you notified when he wakes."

"No! I'm going to be with him in there." Y/N tried to push the droid away, but he did nothing.

"Move, you big bag of bolts!" She cried, but the droid did not let her through.

"Y/N, it'll probably be good for you to get some sleep." Leia put a hand on her shoulder, but Y/N shrugged it off.

"I don't want sleep, I want to see him!" She yelled, but the droid still stood in her way. "I swear to the Imperial Army I will rip you apart piece by piece if you don't let me through." Y/N threatened, however the droid seemed uninterested.

"We'll get clearance from the General. This isn't the hill you want to die on." Leia said, and Y/N turned to her. She looked at Leia, and then at Han, and suddenly she deflated.

"I just want to be with him. Make sure he's okay." She said, crying for what seemed like the millionth time. Leia wrapped her up in a hug, and she let out a breath against her.

"He'll be okay. He's in good hands. You should get some rest." Leia pulled away and winked, and Y/N just nodded. It appeared that Leia had a plan, and knowing her it was probably a good one.

"We're terribly sorry about that." 3PO said as they walked away, and once they turned the corner, Leia began to talk.

"We're sneaking you in here tonight." She mumbled, and the group continued walking.

"How?" Y/N asked, looking at Leia, but she was looking straight ahead,

"It's cold enough at night that there aren't many alive rebels that work in the medical wing, and droids are charging." Leia explained, still looking ahead as they began walking.

"I'll come get you from your room in two hours." Leia finished as they came up to Y/N's room. She honestly almost forgot she had her own room, spending so much time in Luke's.

"Thank you." Y/N smiled at them both, hugged Leia and then went to her room.

~

She couldn't sleep. She knew Luke was perfectly fine, but not being able to see and feel him made her on edge. She almost fainted at the knock on her door. Y/N opened it way to eagerly, smiling at Leia.

It was cold in the hallways, since it was night now. Y/N shivered as she walked through the empty space, making her way slowly to where Luke was.

"Do you know which room he's in?" Y/N asked, coming up upon the many doors leading to rooms.

"While you were throwing your tantrum, I was watching to see which room they put him in." Leia smirked, opening the door to her right. Y/N smiled, hugged Leia, and then quickly went into the room.

"Oh, Luke." Y/N mumbled, seeing Luke laying on the bed asleep. His hair covered his closed eyes partially, and his skin was still pale, making his injuries seem worse. She pushed herself onto his bed, laying down next to him. "You dumbass." Y/N whispered, clinging to him. His body was warm, and Y/N kissed his cheek, hand going to rest on his chest and leg wrapped around him.

Finally, finally, she fell into a peaceful sleep.

~

"You're not supposed to be here." Y/N woke to the stupid droids voice, and she sat up.

"I'm sorry." Y/N mumbled, moving from Luke. She looked at him, and he was still sleeping. She felt like she hadn't gotten any sleep, and she realized she hadn't been asleep for long.

"I'm going to ask you to leave, Ma'am." The droid said, and Y/N let a little breath out.

"It's fine, Med. You can go to your next patient." A human said at the door, and Y/N smiled slightly.

"Thank you." She said to the man at the door, who nodded and turned the light off.

~

Lips on hers. That's what she finally woke up to.

Chapped, bruised, swollen lips, but they most definitely belonged to the one and only Luke Skywalker.

Y/N opened her eyes, pushing Luke away lightly. She was still in his bed in the medic wing, and when she sat up, she noticed Han, Leia, Chewy, 3PO and R2 were also in the room. Y/N blushed, and Luke brought her closer.

"What happened?" Y/N asked, and Luke shook his head, cuddling closer to her.

"I got taken by a snow monster, and it was really cold." Luke mumbled, and Y/N rolled her eyes, holding him close as well.

"Well, it seems you two get along very well. When did this happen?" Han asked, and Y/N sunk farther into the bed.

"A lot of things happen behind your back, Han." Luke said smugly, and Y/N smiled.

"It's cute that you think this was behind my back."

"I'm glad you're okay." Y/N said, looking up at Luke and pretending Han hadn't just spoke.

"I am too. I heard you went crazy and threw a tantrum without me." Luke smirked, and Y/N hit his chest, beginning to move away. "It's kinda cute." Luke said, pulling Y/N closer to him.

"You're about to die again, Commander Skywalker." Y/N threatened, and Luke rolled his eyes and brought her close up to him.

"I'm so glad you're not already crazy."

[7wanderingpaws]

Captain Bucheon 05

(gif is not mine!)

Warnings: language, tension, (a bit unedited)

Word count: 3.6K

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tags: @wooya1224 @to-all-the-stories-i-love @jennxx3 @realllllrica @energeticsirens​ (let me know if you want to be un/tagged)​

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<– Previous

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Fifth: Birthday Party

The winter season had finally given way to spring, the cherry blossoms blooming around the campus. Your dorms still sucked, but one thing that was good was the beautiful pink trees welcoming you whenever you left or arrived from school or work. The entrance was full of cherry blossoms, and when you rushed to your early classes in the mornings, you'd catch cats curled up and sleeping on the fallen leaves.

Even though you enjoyed winter, you couldn’t deny the magical hope spring always managed to plant in you. If the smog wasn’t too severe (and in spring it always was) you could smell the distant scent of flowers, grass and life. Students and professors were scattered around the campus, making videos and pictures, the white and pink cherries a huge attraction even for the dullest person out there.

For some reason, however, this season also made you incredibly sad.

A very unnerving, in the corner creeping, emotion of yearning, longing, pining and all the other synonyms that expressed missing something you couldn’t quite pinpoint were eating you away. The sadness that made your mood so incredibly low and sad that you couldn't enjoy the cherry blossom season as much as you used to. It was a huge love of yours; every year during high school taking a long walk, wearing the uniform skirt not so horrible anymore while you and Yuyeon laughed at something stupid. That magical instance when the gentle breeze blew and the leaves created a pink rain fall--

Someone hitting you with folded paper was what snapped you out of your thoughts. You turned around, glaring at the intruder. “Yah, Oh Sehun!” you shouted, scowling.

Sehun was smiling brightly, your face expression entertaining him. “You looked like you were thinking too deeply. Didn’t want an accident.”

You rolled your eyes and watched him sit down on the bench opposite you. He put his backpack next to him before leaning on his elbows on the table. “Meaning?” 

“You don’t think, you just do stuff. Thinking could have damaged you further and we don’t want-“

Your fist landed on his bicep and he laughed harder, not even bothering to fake the pain. “You are so dead, Sehun!”

After he calmed down he pretended to tap the tears away around his eyes which made you roll your eyes again. “Anyway, you know it’s next weekend, right?”

You frowned. “What is next weekend?” 

Your question came out like a bite of an angry dog but you almost immediately forgot about your bicker when you spotted Yuyeon from afar; she was mingled among a small crowd of students but you could see whom she was talking to very well. After all, you saw the guy almost daily. Chul. 

They seemed to be deep in conversation and he was nodding thoughtfully, taking her every word. While she was explaining something, he looked up to run his eyes over their surroundings carefully which, in your eyes, looked a little off.

“Hey-“ Sehun waved his hand in front of your face, “I’m right here, don’t ignore me. And Yuyeon was supposed to tell you.”

You snapped your eyes back to Sehun, still frowning. “She didn’t tell me anything regarding next week.”

Sehun groaned like a kid. “You’re a terrible friend anyway! You should have known it’s my birthday!”

Your eyes widened and you scrambled for your school diary (that was a huge mess) and aggressively listed through the pages until you landed on the second week of April. With small letters, Sehun’s birthday was noted on the paper with a little flower next to it.

“I’m not a bad friend, look,” you pouted, pushing your diary in his face. 

With a sigh he was fast to push your hand away. “Well, mark it better. You’re coming for a little camping trip.”

“Camping trip? During school?”

Sehun looked at you dumbfoundedly before he started to giggle. “This is university, sweetheart, there is no such thing as school night anymore, and it’s funny that out of all people you complain when you’re the naughtiest kid on the campus. And besides, it’s on the weekend. You don’t work either,” he clicked his tongue and then proceeded to flick your forehead. “So no excuses.”

“Ouch, you DUCK!” you growled, massaging the throbbing skin with your fingers. “Why is your birthday in April out of all months!”

“Whoa, whoa, I could hear you guys from afar already,” a new voice chirped in and your eyes immediately snapped towards your best friend.

A little shocked at her cheerful attitude, you looked at the place you last saw her with Chul but, of course, he was nowhere to be seen anymore. The last thing you'd expect her to be like after a conversation with Chul was cheerful.

“It’s your fault, Yuyeon-ah. You forgot to tell Nari that I’m having a camping trip.”

“Oh,” Yuyeon seemed genuinely surprised as she sat down on the bench next to you. “It slipped my mind completely - and no, not your birthday but the trip!” She held her hands up quickly in defense before he could flick her forehead as well, Sehun’s scowling eyes sending daggers her way.

“Wonderful friends I have,” he muttered and shook his head in disappointment. “Well, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Thankfully I have friends who actually care,” he said and stood up, throwing his backpack over his shoulder.

Both you and Yuyeon followed him with your eyes, perplexed at his sudden change of attitude. “Where are you going?” you spoke up at the same time with Yuyeon.

“Have some stuff to do for class. See you, losers!”

“What did just happen…”

“Well. Whatever, Sehun is weird,” you dismissed, not sparing his retreating figure any more glance as you turned to your friend. Swiftly bringing out your phone from your pocket, you searched for one contact you saved in the morning, and pushed the device into Yuyeon’s hands, ignoring her perplexed expression. “I need a favor. You need to call the police for me.”

“What?” She was only able to raise her eyebrows and give you a pathetic look. “What is it about?”

“I need them to come during the festival, it’s the security measures,” you said, almost whining because you yourself hated this irrelevant task you were given. “And I can’t risk that someone particular will pick up the phone.”

Yuyeon sighed but she had a soft expression as she nodded. She still threw you a skeptical look. “First of all, it’s bold of you to think that you’d have the pleasure to speak to the captain of the police himself when I’m sure they have some lowly workers doing this kind of job. Second? Fuck Chul. The hell is he thinking - giving you all the trash work, as if he isn’t the student president.”

Yuyeon mentioning Chul when they were just meeting minutes ago didn’t sit well with you. She didn’t mention talking to him whatsoever and you concluded she didn’t have the intention of doing it at all. Observing her for a little longer, you decided to deal with that problem later. She was your best friend. She would never do something to harm you.

After explaining all the details to Yuyeon, she finally called. It took almost fifteen minutes with the whole call procedure until you could talk with the relevant person in charge. To your and Yuyeon’s surprise, they already knew about the topic.

“Oh, so the event has been reported? And you already have a team to send for that day?” Yuyeon was repeating everything the person on the other side told her, giving you a surprised stare.

You shrugged, albeit worriedly before muttering under your nose: “Why did that fucker-“

“Alright, great. Thank you!” She put down the phone with a huff. “Well, that’s that. They already knew about this.” Her knee was going up and down, her teeth gnawing on her lower lip, tearing the dried skin. “Is Chul testing you or something? Why is he making you do stuff only for it to be already resolved?”

You shrugged again. “At least it’s done. Thank you,” you murmured, widening your eyes into those of a puppy before you pushed out your lower lip, pouting.

Yuyeon rolled her eyes and flicked you on the forehead. What was it with your friends flicking you today?

You scrubbed at the red spot on your forehead as she said: “Don’t mention it. What wouldn’t I do for this troublemaker, huh?” She smiled at you and pushed your phone into your hand. “Are you confident about running? And MCing for that bitch?”

You deflated even more. Your body was not built for running. And Siamsa requesting you to be the MC was just as suspicious as the whole police thingy being already resolved. “Nope! But who cares! It’s Oh Sehun’s birthday and you didn’t even bother telling me about the camping trip?”

She looked surprised for a moment before she realized something. “Oh, right, it slipped my mind. I have class projects and well… sorry. I was supposed to tell you.” Yuyeon looked apologetic and you wanted to ask what was the issue but decided against it.

“It’s okay. But I think he is legit mad.”

“I know.”

><

After that, the days became a blur. You tried your best to juggle running between studying sessions. Sometimes you would stay in the dorm room but the squeals of girls on the corridor would irritate you to the bits which eventually led you out of the dorms and into a coffee shop. 

Assignments were piling up and Sehun’s trip was happening just before the midterms which wasn’t the best news. You tried hard to focus but the unstable job you had was also giving you a hard time. There had been another case where you didn’t manage to bring a box to the right door yet… much later you received a confirmation text. It was giving you stress. And you started to regret taking up the job at some point. Someone must have been delivering them. You were suspicious of this for a while but was too preoccupied with the task at hand to try to catch the culprit.

Well, could they be called a culprit when, in fact, they were doing you a favor? If more than anything, it was the unsettling feeling that you were being played by someone you probably didn't know, since Chul was doing anything but talking about this job.

Instead, he was always hot on your heels, were it the running practice that you swore you’d give up, because coach Lim was relentless, or he was bothering you about the damn MC thing, bugging you about doing well and trying to be your best possible version. Just thinking about having to pretend in front of Siamsa, when you knew she was Baekhyun's ex, and a complete piranha behind the scenes, made you go nuts. It had certainly been a while since you wanted to be done with something this much and at the same time dreading the moment it would come.

If that wasn't giving you anxiety, you also had to make sure not to go to the running track outside of your scheduled training. The possibility of running into Baekhyun was scaring you. Unable to pinpoint why exactly, you just decided to ignore the topic, despite finding yourself daydreaming about facing him again. Daydreaming about certain moments with him that actually happened, but they were buried deep inside you, hidden under stocks and stocks of much more memorable memories than those created with him.

Since you never saw him after that incident where you slapped him, you were more relaxed (and a little guilty).

Currently, you took the empty beer bottle in your hands, music blasting loudly as you stood up on the top of the table, enjoying the cheering from your small audience that you stole away from the birthday boy, Sehun.

You pushed me away with your very hands

Once were so wanted by me

As soon as Yuyeon recognized the lyrics, she jumped up to join you, taking an empty soju bottle in her hand and made a microphone out of it. You were fast to drape your heavy arm around her neck and shouted:

What can I do?

What should I do?

I no longer have your breath with me

But I am still loving you

Sehun was facepalming in the background because you had been high on this song since last year, after the harsh breakup. He knew the signs very well and he could only sigh harder when he saw a message from the only person missing at the late night party:

Just arrived

Coming in now

“Oh, dear,” he scrunched up his face, looking at you exaggeratedly rolling your hips to follow Rain's dance moves. He had to admit you were too good at those moves.

As soon as you heard cat calls, your hands went flying up to your hair, lifting it up to reveal your neck before you pushed your bum out, sliding your hands lower, outlining your breasts.

“Jesus, she is on fire!” someone shouted.

You giggled loudly and Yuyeon slapped your butt, making you squeal before the both of you continued with the song that made you want to weep and give up yourself to someone at the same time; give up yourself to a certain someone.

With the way you used to look into my eyes

You dramatically turned to Yuyeon who mimicked you, both of you staring into each other's eyes before you turned back to back, feeling her bum pressed into yours. With a swift sway of your head, you got rid of your messy hair that was obscuring your sight, spotting a mop of messy blond hair before singing:

Please turn back to me and just feel my heart

And could you please tell me

Your eyes locked with Baekhyun's who was standing motionlessly on the doorstep, staring at you with an unreadable expression. 

That you still love me

The words left your mouth, and you became breathless. 

Was it the booze? Or did Byun Baekhyun just look hundred times more appealing to you after drinking? What was the captain even doing there in the first place? Wasn't he a little old to be here celebrating Oh Sehun's birthday with the kids that he thought you were?

Not daring to even blink, you continued your charade, enjoying the way his eyes wandered down your body when you swayed your hips to the rhythm, rolling your hips to the surface of the table and enjoying yourself a little too much. You were wearing hip jeans and a crop top, the textile straining over your breasts just the way you wanted it to be tonight. The revealed belly and the dimples on your lower back just above the belt of your jeans was teasing enough to bring a little craze to the audience you earned. Your want doubled with the knowledge that Baekhyun was present.

Eventually, you turned to Yuyeon and finished singing the heartfelt song, while your brain was trying to ignore the fact that the person you imagined in this song was present in the room.

“Hey, thanks a lot for dropping by,” Sehun greeted Baekhyun when he walked over to him. Baekhyun had a slight smile on his lips.

“Happy birthday, buddy,” he wished and bumped fists before patting him on the shoulder. “You decided to keep a low image this year?” asked Baekhyun when Sehun pushed a red cup into his hand and sat next to Sehun, once again angled the way so that he could see your eyes the whole time.

Sehun raised a thick eyebrow before tipping his chin towards yours and Yuyeon's direction. “Is that what you call a low image?”

Baekhyun shook his head, but he was amused. He let his eyes wander back to you for a moment, just when you were getting off the table. One guy held your hand, helping you down while bulging his eyes at your breasts. Baekhyun suppressed the annoyance bubbling inside of him at the sight. “Did she have a lot to drink?”

“Well, she had enough to become her old self,” mumbled Sehun, taking a calculating sip from his beer. “Enough to want to make a scene, so I'd watch myself if I were you.”

“She hates me. I don't think she'll even acknowledge me.”

Sehun let out a snort and Baekhyun shot him a curious look. “That whole fucking song was about you. She acknowledged you just fine.”

Baekhyun let out a breathy laugh of disbelief. The images of meeting your heated gaze over the crowd while you were rolling your hips around left him just a little breathless. You were too sexy for Baekhyun. And too forbidden.

Before the both of them could fall into silence, Sehun said: “Did you resolve anything with Siamsa? I love you, dude, but I can't let your stupid ex ruin Nari anymore.”

Baekhyun wasn't surprised at the change of the topic. Sehun had been bugging him after he found out you were requested by Siamsa herself to be the MC of her short stage during the university festival.

Baekhyun was restless about the whole deal, especially after her unexpected visit at his place. About that he didn't tell the younger male, not wanting him to worry even more. “Don't worry, Sehunah, I have it under control.”

“Well, make sure you really do,” muttered Sehun as he leaned closer to Baekhyun. “She acts strong, but she is anything but that.”

><

It was two hours later when you found yourself in the crowd, dancing by yourself. Yuyeon wasn't around anymore, being snatched away by a guy while you were drinking shot by shot, enjoying yourself and at the same time desperately trying to stay sober because Baekhyun was lurking around. And that made your heart beat too wildly; the alcohol had nothing to do with it.

There were so many bodies around you, sweating and grinding against each other. It almost made you want to turn back until you felt someone’s front pressed to your back. Under normal circumstances you’d immediately pull away but his scent wafted over your senses and you just knew.

It was him.

His breath was on the back of your hair, a little irregular, and then you felt his feather touch on the inside of your arms as he trailed his fingertips over the sensitive skin of the inside of your elbows until he let them dance over your wrists and pushed the fingers through the slits of your hands, interlacing your fingers.

Spikes of electricity shot through your insides and you hummed though you knew he couldn’t hear you over the loud music. Involuntarily you pressed yourself back and his breath fanned your neck as he lowered his head.

There were so many things you should have done immediately; push him away or walk away but despite your turbulent emotions that kept clashing in a fight with brain and heart, you felt safe in his arms, in his presence and his touch. His nose traveled your cheek and he nuzzled the side of your face with his. Your heart was about to jump out of your rib cage. The urge to just turn and kiss him was so strong but ugh. You still hated him so much. So, so much. To the point you wanted to scream and shout and at the same time kiss him senseless and let him have his way with you.

“Why is it that whenever I try to avoid you, you appear?” he murmured into your ear and you tried to shimmy away from the ticklish feeling. “Why is it that whenever I’m with another one, you’re the one I see behind my closed eyes?” You felt the lightest of touches of his lips that were parted, so smooth and so alluring, teasing you on the side of your cheek. “Why is it always you, Lee Nari?”

You almost thought it wasn't real. It couldn't. Baekhyun would do anything but a move on you.

But one swift turn and you faced him, his eyes focused on yours. “And why is it always you, Byun Baekhyun?” you squeezed his fingers gently, still interlaced with yours. 

“You should go and rest, Nari, you had enough to drink,” he told you suddenly, moving closer. He realized that booze was talking more than what he would have said under normal circumstances.

Breathily, you zoomed in on his lips, bewitched by the way they shaped whenever he said certain words. The would pucker and form a cute pout and-

“Nari, let's get you to sleep,” he repeated.

“Do you still want me, Baekhyun?” you asked instead, almost eagerly.

Baekhyun wasn't surprised, yet he didn't answer. You were intoxicated and he expected some kind of confrontation, but the longing in your eyes spoke volumes and he knew you wouldn't be slapping him tonight. He had only two cups of beer but he already knew he was acting braver than he should have. The need to kiss you and just be with you only grew and alcohol made his well preserved restraints weaker.

“You don't want me anymore, right?” you said, misunderstanding his silence. You stepped away. “If I would have wanted to build up the bridges you would have said no and still play with my feelings,” you whispered, heart-broken. Even though I still want you so bad…

><><><><

A/N: I do not know when will be the next update, sorry about that. Ive been focusing a lot on AY since my writing juices are overflowing for that story for now. Sorry to make you wait and I do hope you stick around ☺💛

This chapter is a little breaking point; next chapter the festival is going down! Poor Nari...

Here is my new curiouscat if you want to let me know your thoughts ^^

[bigskydreaming]

Making this its own thread so as not to take over @northoftheroad​‘s - but about that scene with the memories from Nightwing Rebirth annual #1....tbh, I wasn’t terribly sad when that didn’t come back into play because I kinda hated this scene, lol. And it sucks because like, it COULD have had an entirely different vibe, but as usual, it comes down to execution, and like.....agency. I know, my favorite word, but like.

The problem I had with this scene (and my caution regarding the way Taylor’s talked up Babs’ importance to his run of Nightwing), is there’s this line between bringing other characters into Dick’s own title to lend a supporting hand or even for their own specific area of expertise....and Dick like, becoming the guest star in his own title. And for me, personally, that line tends to be most apparent when Dick stops feeling like he’s in the driver’s seat of his own stories and instead is just riding shotgun while other people make decisions that have far more to do with his life than their own.

This COULD have been a great scene, IF the decision for the memories needing to be kept and the malware studied had come from Dick himself.....much like, y’know, the memories did. If upon Dick deciding that there was a reason they still needed to exist outside and independent of him, be a safeguard or used for some purpose, Babs made the same vow of keeping them safe, like, that would have been great! That’s an expression of concern, of RESPECT for the importance, the significance of what Babs is holding in her hand there, rather than just a scientific curiosity, a puzzle to be studied.

But instead, the way it was kinda framed as just Babs knows best when the actual topic of weight wasn’t the technical specs or the scientific how/why of what was being studied, but rather SHOULD it be studied versus just destroyed....that was the problem for me, because that was absolutely, one hundred percent not Babs’ decision to make. They were Dick’s memories. He was the one left exposed by their continued existence in that form. It wasn’t just the sensitive information those memories contained, the intel on hundreds of others of Dick’s family and friends and teammates, their identities and weaknesses and all kinds of other stuff pertaining to people beyond just Dick himself, many of whom Babs has very little connection to herself, in comparison to Dick’s connection with them....and their trust in Dick having that information about them, which is not unilaterally blanket trust in others having that information by extension or proxy.....it was also just. Sensitive stuff, sensitive to Dick himself, stuff he was no doubt sensitive about. And this was just brushed off and moved past without a second glance, because the writer considered Dick’s concerns about HIS memories of secondary importance to what Babs could do with them or learn about the technology/from them.

And again, it would have been entirely different if that decision had come FROM Dick. If the scene, the issue in question had been framed around him making the executive decision on what to do about these memories, and Babs lending her aid in whatever HE decided should be done with them, including study them or keep them safe as a back-up of some kind.....there’s zero problem!

But the fact that Dick is written objecting, and then those objections brushed off as inconsequential by the writing on the exact same page like, makes it all the worse, because it demonstrates that the writer was aware, LOGISTICALLY, of various reasons why the memories shouldn’t be kept that way......but that reasoning was kept divorced from all examinations of Dick’s perspective of the situation, his own vulnerability, from any kind of other angle beyond just logistics. Like emotional. Proprietary. Even uncertainty, like ‘I don’t know how I feel about this, can we take a beat for me to get my head back on straight after everything that’s just happened to me and revisit this after I’ve had a chance to think about it,’ that would have been fine.

Anything but just.....raising the issue of ‘maybe this isn’t a good idea’ and moving past it two panels later with full speed ahead, without any further exploration from Dick’s own POV why he might not be cool with this or with his objections treated as like, a PERSONAL issue rather than simply a LOGISTICAL one.

Because that ultimately is the heart of the issue. Dick was effectively overruled as though his objection was logistical only, rationale based, and Babs’ opinion ended up carrying the more weight because her rationale was better reasoned and the logistical issues addressed by her declaration of keeping it safe.

Problem is, it was never just a matter of logistics, and this is where the writing failed the story, and the characters, by not recognizing that Dick’s objection should NOT be capable of being overruled by someone else’s logic or rationale, because there’s very little that’s MORE personal than a person’s own memories, and treating it as anything other than a personal issue that only one person had the ultimate right to make the judgment call of what to do with those memories moving forward, is taking eyes off what’s actually being talked about.

Tbh, I do consider it fairly surprising - even if I’m not sad about it - that Percy’s work here wasn’t referenced more in the Ric Grayson conclusion, because I think a ton of how that was approached was directly based on the foundation of a lot of Percy’s own takes here. This same problem reared its head again later in that same issue when the writing again had Dick raising valid concerns when he brought up the matter of his memories again, and wanted to know where they were being stored.....and again, Percy’s answer to that was to have Babs overrule Dick’s feeling this was ‘need to know’ information for him by saying you don’t need to know that.

Again, its frustrating because the writing then continued to demonstrate an awareness of the flaws in Babs’ argument here, with Dick continuing to present possibilities like “what if you’re the next target of today’s villain and thus can’t keep those memories safe any more than I could in the first place, like let’s take a second to acknowledge that you’re as much of a target as Batgirl that I am as Nightwing, and just as vulnerable to being captured and mind-probed”....its just, the writing then proceeds to effectively change the subject immediately AFTER Dick poses these questions but BEFORE any answer is actually given, almost as if to get his objections on record and logged, before like....moving on with the story as though those hugely pertinent questions were ultimately irrelevant. LOL. No. They weren’t. Its just the writer chose to frame them that way in order to keep the focus on everything as purely logistical and Dick’s logistical sense here being not even lacking, but BIASED......but with zero acknowledgment anywhere in the story that like, he had a right to that bias, that bias was real yes, but also reasonable, because those memories were HIS, lol, and every issue he had with them, about them, about what was done with them, was one hundred percent valid and should never have been subject to someone else’s veto power.

And there’s no point to having a character speak up for himself, raise issues based on his own personal feelings and rationale on things pertaining to HIM.....if you’re still going to treat everyone around him as having veto power over what he says or does or thinks on these matters. Either without any acknowledgment of that being what these other characters or doing, or basing their ‘right’ to do so on some flimsy rationale of him being too biased or emotional or subjective on the subject, as though all these other characters don’t have their own biases and emotional perspectives, and he’s no less entitled to his than they are, and he’s far MORE entitled to what decisions are made about HIM and things that are HIS, than they are.

(Also, sidebar, but I also trace a lot of the problems I have with Babs and other characters’ declarations of knowing more about Dick/knowing him better than he knows himself, like, directly to this annual and the whole scene in the Batcave-on-wheels. I believe Castelluci, the most recent Batgirl writer, has flat out said that she isn’t that familiar with Nightwing’s character, and so I think a lot of the objections I have with how she approached Dick’s character ultimately stem from the likelihood that Castelluci’s take on him was informed mostly by like, this very annual and other recent writings, with no attempt at a more diversified reading of his character before writing him.)

Anyway, point is, I kinda hated that scene, because I have a huge beef with scenes that have Dick speak up about stuff that’s about HIM first and foremost.....when the writers then proceed to steamroll right over everything he says as though its irrelevant. Like lol no. HIS VOICE SHOULD GET TO BE THE LOUDEST IN THE ROOM WHEN THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION IS HIS OWN LIFE OR THINGS DIRECTLY STEMMING FROM IT/AFFECTING IT.

This is a hugely recurrent thread in a lot of different issues with his character, with them all ultimately just spilling out of a weird refusal to keep him in the driver’s seat of his own life.

And again, it could have gone down ENTIRELY different. Every single decision and ramification from that scene could have existed just the same, without any significant plot alteration, but with 100% less problems, if the writing had just framed all those decisions and ramifications as springing from Dick’s OWN decisions, logic, wishes, rather than in OPPOSITION to them. The only thing that needed to be different, IMO, was just....keeping him and his choices, his own rationales, and his RIGHT to them, as being MOST in focus in that particular story and sequence of events.

And also again, just for the record, this has nothing to do with it being Babs in that scene and everything to do with just....the issue itself. Which is a problem for me with any and all other characters whose choices are similarly prioritized over Dick’s own decision-making process, even when the decisions are about him and his life, far more so than their own. This isn’t Babs-specific, it just tends to come up a lot with her due to the mere fact of like....how often Babs is the one in Dick’s stories or title, compared to other characters like Jason or Tim who cross over relatively less....but still usually create or raise the same problem when they do.

[haosvteen]

choreographer!hoshi part 2

requests: open

part one

soonyoung x reader

~ - fluff

word count: 1.3k

masterlist

you woke up with the sun beaming into your eyes, causing you to squint, unaware of what was around you 

once your eyes adjusted to the new bright light coming through your windows, you realized you were laying on your couch with a blanket lazily draped over you…your head on soonyoung’s chest 

that’s when your heart began to race 

you remembered last night, everything that happened 

your broken ankle, soonyoung helping you into the car and into your apartment, insisting on staying with you to make sure you were okay 

for most of the night, you just stayed up talking on the couch 

there was some movie playing in the background, but that was irrelevant to you two 

it was around 2:00am as you were finishing a cup of tea when you debated on asking him the question that had been pulling at your heart for hours 

soonyoung gently grabbed your injured leg and rested it on his lap, mindlessly drawing shapes on the rough surface of your cast 

“hey, soonie?” you asked quietly 

“hm?” he responded, not bothering to look up

you paused for a moment, wondering if you really wanted to ask him…

taking a deep breath you said, “what did you mean by all of that stuff you said earlier?” 

immediately, soonyoung stopped his finger moving on the cast 

the moments he took to respond felt like forever 

what if everything he said about “never wanting to see you in pain like that ever again” was just…friendly? 

was the kiss on your cheek friendly too?? 

you were second-guessing yourself..you shouldn’t have even brought it up!! 

what were you thinking?? 

just as you were about to open your mouth and tell him to forget it, he begins, “y/n, i meant every word i said. i never want to see you in that much pain. ever.” 

you brought up your one good leg to your chest, leaving the other on soon’s lap 

resting your head on your knee, you said, “i know, i know. i was stupid, i should’ve been more careful.” 

as much as you hated to admit it, tears were starting to form in your eyes 

why were you being so emotional? this was soonyoung, he’s your best friend 

what were you expecting him to say? “y/n, i love you, i always have”?? 

you were being delusional, maybe it was the pain medication, maybe it was your exhaustion…but maybe you actually liked him more than you thought… 

deep down, you got your hopes up…and they’re being crushed 

 “i never want to see you in that much pain. ever.” god, why did he have to say it like that?? you knew you were clumsy, he didn’t have to shove it in your face 

you turned your head to the side, resting it on your knee so that soonyoung couldn’t see your face 

“hey, hey, what’s wrong?” he reacted, scooting closer to you on the couch, bringing his hand up to run it through your hair to comfort you 

you didn’t expect your emotions to take control of you but nevertheless, you looked up at him with tears streaming down your cheeks, “i don’t know, i’m probably just tired. i didn’t expect today to go like this. and my ankle hurts so bad, but i can’t take more medicine for two hours and i can’t stop thinking about how i took you away from your work so you’ll probably have to work even longer and i’m just so confused by everything you’re saying and you kissed me on the cheek so i don’t know-“ 

your eyes became wide as you realized what you just said 

as you were about to continue and come up with some sort of excuse or lie to retract everything you just said, soonyoung cupped your face in his hands and pressed the softest kiss to your lips 

when he pulled away, you were still looking at him with those wide eyes 

“when i said i never want you to feel pain like that ever again, i didn’t just mean breaking a bone. i meant your heart too. i never want someone to make you hurt. i want you to be the happiest person because that’s what you deserve. and i want to give that to you…i want to be the reason you’re the happiest person.” 

“soonie, i-“ you respond slowly, but he gives you another gentle kiss 

“i’m not finished. when i saw you there on the ground in the studio…i was so upset. i was upset with myself for pushing you to help me choreograph. i was upset because you were in pain. i just wanted to make you feel better anyway that i could. and that was when i realized i want to make you feel better every day. when you’re sad, angry…even when you’re happy, i want to make you even happier. i don’t even know what i’m saying anymore. i just…i think i may…i don’t know…” 

you just sat there, completely in awe 

this was not what you were expecting 

did he just…confess to you?? 

sitting in front of you was this boy you’ve been crushing on for years

his head was hung low and he began playing with his fingers 

he was nervous 

that was a habit of his when he became nervous 

you slowly placed your hands on his, bringing them up to you and kissing his knuckles 

“hey, don’t be nervous,” you said 

he looks up at you with the most confused look on his face 

you giggle, “i’ve liked you forever, soonie. i was just too nervous to say anything, maybe i-“ 

“really???” he says loudly, cutting you off 

“yes, really. i like you so much. so so much,” you respond with a smile 

soonyoung sucks in a big breath of air and gently grabs your leg on his lap, moving it with care so he can stand up 

“YES!!!! YES YES YES YES!!!!!” he exclaims, dancing around your living room 

“what??” you laugh out 

“i have been waiting for this day for so LONG!!!! i can’t believe you actually like me too?? oh my goodness, can i kiss you??” 

“well, duh” you say, still curled up on the couch 

soonyoung bends down and kisses you over and over and over again 

you both laugh as he sits down next to you 

“i never thought this day would come,” he sighs out 

“well it would’ve come sooner if one of us had just had the courage to tell the other” you laugh 

“at least it happened now” soonyoung smiles at you, wrapping you in a hug 

you both lean down on the couch, your head on his chest 

and you’re in that same position when you wake up with the sun in your eyes 

smiling to yourself after recalling the sweet moments that happened last night, that you’ll remember for a lifetime, you look up at soonyoung and give him a kiss on the cheek 

his eyes begin to flutter open, bringing a hand to your head to play with your hair 

“how are you feeling, my jagiya?” he says in a sleepy voice 

“perfect” you respond, cuddling into his side 

a small gasp escapes soonyoung, “it’s time for your pain medication” 

he tries to move out from beside you, but you continue holding onto him, groaning 

“nooo, stay with me” you pout 

he turns to look at you and lets out a sigh, “gosh, don’t look at me like that, i can’t say no when you look at me like that!!” 

“then don’t say no and stay with me,” you continue pouting to him 

“only if your ankle doesn’t hurt…” 

“not at all!! i could probably run a marathon right now if i wanted to!” you smile up at him 

“okay, okay, none of that” he responds and he wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer into him 

you just smile to yourself 

head on soonyoung’s chest 

you got him 

he’s really yours 

and you’re really his

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Bonus 3.2 - Dangan Salmon Team (Still Kaito Edition)

This is postgame content, so people shouldn’t be reading this without having already finished the main game anyway. But just to be safe: while this is non-canon character stuff, I will sometimes be mentioning events that happened in the main story, so there will be spoilers for the main game.

[If you’ve found yourself here on this post because I linked to it elsewhere while talking about Kaito and friendship, the stuff I was most likely referring to is discussed in the “Hangout invitations” section.]

Last time on Love Across the Universe: Dangan Salmon Team (did you know that SPACE), we covered all of what the game calls “dates” – but that I insistently called “hangouts” because fuck the romantic undertones of this mode – with Kaito. Yes, all forty-five of them. Yes, I had something of at least some substance to say about close enough to all of them that it didn’t feel right leaving out only the tiny few for which I kind of didn’t. Kaito is the best and is almost always being at least an adorable dork but also so often a fascinating and complex character even in silly bonus fluff like this – especially when it involves him hanging out with Shuichi, who is after all the focal point of most of his issues.

This time, we still have plenty more Kaito content from this mode to cover, including the best part!

Let’s warm up with some opening acts before we get to the main event, though. Aside from the actual hangouts we did last time, there’s some other little snippets of dialogue in this mode that may seem straightforward and inconsequential but that I still have stuff to say about. When I said I’d be covering practically everything Kaito says in this mode, I wasn’t kidding.

FTE invitations

So obviously I’ve already done Kaito’s FTEs, and the game remembers that and won’t have them happen again for me in this mode (which is just as well, really, because his final one definitely belongs in its canon context of chapter 4!). But there are still unique lines that Kaito has in this mode for if Shuichi chooses to hang out with him for what would be an FTE.

Kaito:  “You came to invite me, right? Well of course! You’re my sidekick!”

-      Spend time with Kaito

Kaito:  “Today I’m going to tell you about the best places in the universe for adventures. I guarantee it’ll light a fire in your heart for the universe!”

Shuichi:  (We discussed the most adventurous places in the universe…)

Look at Kaito excitedly telling Shuichi about SPACE. But it’s also very him that he’s not telling Shuichi facts about space or anything more scientific – this is apparently about the best places in space to have adventures. Which is to say, tiny Kaito who had all his totally-true heroic adventures on sea and on land definitely also thought a lot about what kinds of heroic adventures he would be having when he got into space, and he’s telling Shuichi all about those now. What a dork.

Kaito:  “Oh, this is perfect! I wanted to talk to you!”

-      Spend time with Kaito

Kaito:  “Just what I’d expect from my sidekick! Let’s talk it out, man-to-man! You understand? Don’t tell this stuff to the others.”

Shuichi:  (Kaito and I had a heart-to-heart between men…)

This one is really curious. It sounds on the surface like Kaito is referring to something like talking about what girls they like, or some other gendered, stereotypically masculine thing. But since that was never what Kaito’s concept of manliness was ever about, that cannot possibly be what’s happening here.

Based on Kaito’s actual concept of manliness having a focus on being true to yourself and open about your intentions, I’d want to think that his idea of a “man-to-man” talk would involve something along the lines of him and Shuichi being open with each other, and therefore talking to each other about… their emotions and issues and problems? That does fit as something that he’d hypothetically not want Shuichi to tell anyone else about, but, that is definitely not what happened either for obvious reasons.

I honestly don’t think that Kaito ever sees himself hiding his weakness as him compromising his idea of being a “man”, though. The “being true to yourself” concept is less about how you feel and more about who you are, or at least who you want to be. And of course Kaito doesn’t want to be weak and struggling, so the fact that he maybe is is totally irrelevant and definitely not something that a “man” would need to actually open up about, not when he should be focusing on being the inspiring hero he wants to be. It’s kind of like how him denouncing Kokichi for putting a mask over his true face in trial 4 really wasn’t actually that hypocritical – because Kaito may have been hiding his weakness, but he was never hiding his intentions, which were to help everyone around him as much as he could.

So ultimately I’m not entirely sure what Kaito would actually think of as a “man-to-man talk”, especially one that he doesn’t want Shuichi telling anyone else about. Which leaves me very confused as to what kind of conversation he and Shuichi did have here.

Kaito:  “Hey, I was looking for you, man! We’re gonna hang out today, right?”

-      Spend time with Kaito

Kaito:  “A sidekick wouldn’t pick anyone besides the hero. That’s just crazy! Well, now that I’m thinking about it, sidekicks…”

Shuichi:  (I listened to Kaito’s thoughts about sidekicks…)

Dammit, don’t fade to black there, game, I am itching to hear Kaito’s thoughts about sidekicks! Obviously I’m already perfectly aware of exactly what he thinks about them, but it’s still not something that Kaito himself has ever explicitly talked about. It’d be really interesting to hear him describe his idea of a “sidekick” in his own words! Why would you tease us by telling us a conversation about this happened but then not show it to us.

Kaito:  “Why the long face? You wanna talk about something?

-      Spend time with Kaito

Kaito:  “My sidekick’s worries are mine. My worries are my sidekick’s! Talk to me about anything, man! Don’t keep any secrets from me!”

Shuichi:  (I spent the whole time asking Kaito for advice…)

Of course this is here. Of course there’s at least one instance of Kaito immediately assuming Shuichi needs something and offering support before Shuichi’s even said anything yet.

Given that there’s nothing in the general context of this situation that would make Kaito be super desperate for Shuichi to need his help like in chapter 4, and that Shuichi does end up asking him for advice here apparently without any resistance, I’m going to assume Kaito’s judgement this time was correct and he picked up that Shuichi genuinely was feeling down and needed a boost. But the reminder of Kaito’s tendency to do this before even being asked for help is fun. The line between him being selflessly supportive and him being dysfunctionally co-dependent is a thin line, but both sides of it are excellent.

Also here’s another reprise of “Your worry is my worry; my worry is your worry”, or close enough anyway, which is still every bit as delightfully false and hypocritical as it was before. (Except Kaito is actually just saying “your worry is my worry” twice over, so there’s nothing false or hypocritical about it at all, right?)

Gift dialogues

While I’m here pretending to do FTEs with Kaito, it also means I get to give him presents and it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like them. His responses for gifts he likes are fairly straightforward enthusiastic gratitude, but it is interesting to see how he reacts when he’s given something he doesn’t particularly care for.

(These bits of dialogue for FTE gifts aren’t unique to this mode, of course, but it wouldn’t have been very canon to bring the negative ones up during the main story.)

Kaito:  “Huh? What’s this? Where’d you get it? Well, if it’s a gift from you, then I’ll totally accept it.”

This is a pretty cute response – he doesn’t care about the thing at all, but Shuichi gave it to him out of thinking he’d like it, so he’ll keep it anyway just as a token of the fact that his sidekick wanted to give him something nice. (Or, these lines also apply to Kaede giving him gifts, but he respects her a lot, so it’d be the same sentiment with her, too.)

On the other hand, sometimes you can catch him with a less optimistic outlook about this…

Kaito:  “You’ve got a bunch of stuff, huh? You’re not just trying to unload some garbage on me, right?”

It’s really interesting – and kind of sad – that Kaito thinks Shuichi might actually be doing that. Surely he’d believe in how much his sidekick cares about him and that Shuichi would have carefully thought about each gift, even if sometimes he’s mistaken in what Kaito would like? But apparently it can at least cross Kaito’s mind that Shuichi really might callously unload random stuff on him without caring.

Kaito:  “Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do with this? What’s up with you? This isn’t like you, man!”

This kind of reaction, even though it’s a more negative response to the gift, is Kaito being more reasonable. He expected his sidekick (or Kaede) to know better than to give him something he obviously wouldn’t like, but he’s just putting it down to them having a lapse of judgement while meaning well.

Kaito:  “Did you really think I’d like something like this? C’mon, man… Are you making fun of me? Nah, you wouldn’t, but…”

But again, sometimes… apparently it’s possible for Kaito to think that Shuichi could just be making fun of him. He brushes the thought off as not like Shuichi, but then he lingers on the “but”, suggesting it’s still what he’s thinking even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

The fact that he’s capable of thinking that really brings to mind his “Aren’t you my sidekick? Was that… just a lie?” from trial 4 that implied a tiny part of him has always been afraid that Shuichi was only ever playing along with the whole sidekick thing while secretly mocking him. Which is a mindset that doesn’t really apply in this bonus mode in which Shuichi hasn’t been effortlessly saving everyone in trials and so Kaito has no obvious reason to feel inferior… but keep in mind that these gift dialogues were originally written for the main game.

(Kaito, if you’re worried about this, just talk to Shuichi about it, he would immediately be more than happy to reassure you that he’d never do that to you. But no, of course Kaito cannot possibly be worried about anything, and so he’d just not say a word and let that worry build up and eat away at him and goddammit Kaito.)

This idea that Kaito would briefly think the gift-giver might be making fun of him also works well enough for Kaede, who is basically as dismissive of his overblown Kaito-ness as anyone else is in chapter 1, and whom Kaito also looks up to and probably secretly feels a little inferior to thanks to her being a better leader than him.

During this bad-gift-giving session, I learned something about the emotional support robot orca which makes me Very Disappointed (see the linked post if you haven’t already for context about this). Turns out it’s not actually a hated gift for Kaito after all; it’s just a neutral one. The third comment of Kaito’s that I just quoted can in fact apply to a neutral or a hated gift, and I guess the chart that I was using for reference got that comment when they gave him the orca and assumed it was hated. I spent a very long time throwing orcas at Kaito to confirm this.

(And yes, you’re welcome for the mental image of Shuichi doing literally that. Maybe he’s trying to not-so-subtly imply that he wants to help and support Kaito with his problems, too. Not that Shuichi would ever realise Kaito has problems without some kind of outside spurring, so this wouldn’t actually happen (yet), but.)

…I am even more sad about the orca not being a hated gift after a reader went and drew actual fanart about this because of me, for what has turned out to be just a totally mistaken assumption on my part. Can we just pretend Kaito hates getting one anyway? It makes so much in-character sense for him to do so, and apparently I was not the only one who really liked being able to think of it as a thing. And it would fit perfectly in particular for Kaito to respond with the fourth and most negative of the above quotes when being given one by Shuichi – because that’s Shuichi implying he realises Kaito needs support, meaning, surely, that Shuichi really was just lying about being his sidekick and actually was secretly looking down on him and making fun of him this whole time? Damn it, writers, why did you not realise this should be a thing when deciding on Kaito’s gift preferences. I’m at least glad that the chart I used hit the one-in-three chance of mistakenly labelling this gift as hated so that I could accidentally make this a thing.

During some other testing I did to confirm this, I also discovered that a gift called the Death Flag gives most characters a reaction even worse than the regular bad gift dialogues. This is more than just something they dislike and don’t want; the act of giving it seems to be taken as an insult. It is, after all, basically as if the giver is callously telling them they’re going to die.

Kaito:  “Hey… we can still pretend it was just a joke, so put that away.”

Seeing Kaito’s line for this when I wasn’t expecting it kind of punched me in the gut. It’s more subtly hostile than he ever usually is. He really does not want to get angry at Shuichi, but he’s probably worried he’s about to if they don’t immediately pretend this never happened.

(And, uh, remember this line was originally written for the canon storyline, for half of which Kaito knew he was dying. …Not that Shuichi would ever actually genuinely try to imply that he thinks Kaito is going to die, what the hell, I feel kind of terrible for making him do this.)

Anyway let’s stop being unkind to Kaito in a way that’s obviously out of character for Shuichi just to see how he reacts, and move on.

Hangout invitations

There’s also some more little snippets of dialogue I discovered in this mode – turns out there’s a mechanic in which characters whose FTEs you’ve maxed will occasionally show up at Shuichi’s door on their own to ask him for a hangout. (Unfortunately, the character just appears in Shuichi’s room without there being any kind of doorbell-ringing first, meaning you sadly don’t get to learn that it’s Kaito who’s about to invite you out before you even see him based on how enthusiastically the doorbell just rang.)

Kaito:  “You free right now, man? I just really feel like talking to you.”

Kaito was the first character this happened with while I was playing, and it really made me smile. Obviously I knew that this was just a mechanic which could apply to any character, but still. This is Kaito being the one to initiate spending time with Shuichi – but in a way that’s not in the hero-and-sidekick context of Kaito wanting to help Shuichi with his problems. He doesn’t mention that here at all, even though you know the writers totally could have made this bit of dialogue about that, too. Kaito’s realised that he also enjoys just spending time with Shuichi as a friend and wanted to do that! That’s actually a really big deal coming from him.

On the other hand, alternatively (there’s two randomly-picked lines he can have if this happens):

Kaito:  “Alright, Shuichi! Let’s hang out! Well, you don’t really have a choice but to spend time with me, right?”

…this one is quite a bit more pushy. (Remember, he has shown up at Shuichi’s door uninvited to ask to hang out here.) It almost seems like Kaito is worried Shuichi might not want to hang out with him as his friend rather than his sidekick and is covering that up by insisting that obviously Shuichi couldn’t possibly want to do anything else.

-      Accept

Kaito:  “Yeah! No way my sidekick would hang out with anyone but me!”

His response if you accept (which seems to always be this regardless of which initial line of dialogue you got) comes across as kind of needy, too. As does his “A sidekick wouldn’t pick anyone besides the hero” back in the FTE invitations, for that matter. It’s like he’s telling himself that as the hero to Shuichi’s sidekick, he gets automatic Hero Privileges above all of Shuichi’s friends. Which he sort of does, but that’s because them being hero and sidekick already means that they’re particularly close friends. It’s not because it’s a separate thing from a friendship.

But… Kaito seems to kind of think it is. Even though he wants to hang out as friends, Kaito assumes that the only reason Shuichi accepts is because he’s his sidekick. As though, if Shuichi weren’t his sidekick, he’d have no reason to want to spend time with Kaito at all.

-      Politely decline

Kaito:  “If you’re busy, then it's fine… No big deal… I mean, it happens.”

Also quite needy is Kaito’s response if you turn him down. The first sentence alone would have sounded natural, but the more he adds, the more awkward it gets. This might sound like Kaito being passive-aggressive at Shuichi about being turned down, but he wouldn’t do that. So what it must be is Kaito trying to reassure himself that it really is just because Shuichi’s busy and these things happen and it doesn’t mean that Shuichi doesn’t want to spend any time with him at all.

If this were in the context of chapter 4, I’d be saying something very different about what’s going on here, but this isn’t chapter 4. What I’m getting from this instead is that it’s Kaito being kind of awkward and unsure when it comes to doing regular friendship. He’s fine when Shuichi’s the sidekick who’s having struggles and needing Kaito’s advice and support (so long as this isn’t the main story in which Shuichi has been the real hero in the trials and maybe doesn’t really need him after all). But when it’s not about their hero-and-sidekick thing and Kaito just wants to hang out with Shuichi anyway for reasons unrelated to supporting him? He’s subtly insecure as to whether Shuichi would even want to.

This is a concept that didn’t really come up much in the main story, but that’s because there was mortal peril and Shuichi was having a lot more issues and struggles and so Kaito was very firmly in hero-and-sidekick mode the whole time. It’s only in a context like this where there’s less to worry about and they’re supposed to be hanging out as friends (shush, Monokuma totally mentioned platonic friendship) that this becomes more noticeable.

If you think about it, it does actually make some level of sense that Kaito might not be very experienced in having regular friends. He’s always been kind of an awkward goof whenever we’ve seen him trying to interact with people on a down-to-earth level. His personality is naturally very larger-than-life, and he’d refuse to ever try and mask that because then it wouldn’t be him. That’s fine when he’s having sidekicks and him being this way helps to inspire them, but for regular everyday interactions, he probably comes off as a bit… Much, perhaps to the point that it’s a little offputting for some people.

Kaito’s behaviour towards Shuichi in his earlier FTEs, the ones that almost certainly happened before he started considering Shuichi his sidekick, showed that his idea of how to try and make someone his friend (rather than his sidekick) was to force them to listen to completely ridiculous stories about his own “heroics”. That was not, in fact, a very ideal way to make friends at all – Shuichi mostly seemed bewildered and perhaps just a little bit annoyed by the whole thing – but Kaito didn’t appear to have any better ideas. And his idea of how to make friends with Kaede, upon being excited by how similar they were and wanting her to share his enthusiasm about that, was to ask her for a hug out of nowhere, which definitely was not the right way to go about things.

Plus, that story he told in his second FTE hinted that Kaito might have had a falling out with his at-the-time best friend when he was young, one that never got resolved and that he then wrapped up in his ridiculous heroic fiction rather than think about what actually happened. If that is the case, then maybe Kaito being too offputtingly over-the-top for his former friend’s liking was the reason why. There was also that one bit in a hangout last post where Kaito seemed worried by the idea of being different from Shuichi, like he was afraid this’d make Shuichi less inclined to be his friend – almost as if he’d had this problem in the past. (That’s probably why he was so excited at seeing that Kaede was so similar to him, leading him to be so inappropriately forward in his awkward attempt to befriend her.)

[This kind of thing also incidentally happens to be Kaito being extremely neurodivergent-coded, and I love him for it.]

This could in fact be a large part of why Kaito got so big on the whole sidekick thing. If someone needs his support, then him being ridiculous and over-the-top, like he can’t help but be, is inspiring and helpful rather than weird and offputting, and so he can be more sure they’ll stick around – but also more convinced that him supporting them is the only reason they’re sticking around. Of those former sidekicks he mentioned in his FTEs, several of them were significantly older than him, so it would be very easy for Kaito to assume that they probably didn’t consider him an actual friend beyond their sidekick arrangement and would only be there for as long as they needed his support and advice. Kaito may well have already been a little bit co-dependent even before the killing game in canon made it worse.

(That doesn’t change the fact that he genuinely cares and wants to help those people, of course. The unhealthy part is the part where this may have become Kaito’s only way of forming and maintaining bonds with others.)

It’s a good thing Kaito has Shuichi, then! They started properly bonding over Shuichi needing help and being a sidekick, but he’s more than just a sidekick. Shuichi realised after he started training that he enjoys Kaito’s company not so much because Kaito’s a strong invincible hero, but rather just because he’s a ridiculous impulsive carefree goof, and Shuichi finds that kind of outlook refreshing and helpful to be around. Shuichi has always seen Kaito as not just a hero but a friend. So if anyone could break Kaito out of this cycle, could help him realise that he’s already better at friendship than he thought he was and doesn’t need to cling to the sidekick thing as his only way of keeping people by his side, it’s Shuichi.

Harmonious Heart

And on that note, it’s time for the main event for this mode! The piece de resistance, the reason we’re all here, this game’s single best piece of non-main-story Kaito content that I consider basically Required Reading for anyone who cares about understanding what makes Kaito tick, is his Harmonious Heart event.

…Okay, so I have already talked about this at quite some length in my big general ramble about Kaito’s character arc which I reblogged here. But this commentary gives me the excuse to talk about it in line-by-line detail, as well as to talk about it more as a story in its own right rather than just as a delightful source of vital information about the core of Kaito’s issues. So you can be damn sure I’m going to take the chance to do that.

Honestly, I call this my favourite piece of non-main-story Kaito content, but it might also be one of my favourite pieces of Kaito content in general. Obviously the canon story has just so many moments that are positively dripping with Kaito’s delightful issues, but… this is still pretty up there with the best of them.

I should mention that actually seeing all of this event is even more inconvenient than the hangouts were. It has a small, completely random chance of popping up instead of the regular options whenever you do a hangout somewhere, and then there are four different outcomes, only one of which can be got per playthrough. So I actually had to do four playthroughs of this mode to see all of this. I am very grateful for the people who bothered to record/transcribe all the outcomes of Harmonious Heart events onto Youtube/the wiki, making it quite easy for people to see all of these if they’re interested, because otherwise I imagine far fewer people ever would. And as I have already mentioned, this event is so important for understanding Kaito’s character; everybody who cares about Kaito should see all four of these outcomes and it makes me sad to think there are probably still a large fraction of such people who haven’t.

I managed to happen across this event basically by chance only a month or so after seeing the main game, and I’m so glad it didn’t take me longer than that, because it significantly influenced and improved my understanding of Kaito’s issues and why he so stubbornly hid everything he was going through in canon. This then led to me thinking about Kaito in even more depth than I already had and wanting to put some content out there that really talks about all this stuff, and… long story short, there’s a chance this very commentary wouldn’t be here if this event didn’t exist.

Kaito:  “…”

Shuichi:  (I wonder what’s wrong? Kaito looks deep in thought…)

Kaito:  (Damn it…)

Shuichi:  (Huh? That voice just now. Is that…?  Is that Kaito’s inner thoughts…?)

Featuring Shuichi’s inexplicable mindreading powers that he spontaneously developed because of the strength of his bond with Kaito, I guess?

Not that I mind how inexplicable this is, because it is vital. The thing that’s so excruciating about Kaito’s problems in canon is how easily Shuichi could help him with them if only he knew about them. But he has no idea, because he idolises Kaito too much to assume there could be anything wrong with him, and because Kaito never talks about any of it. So it is practically necessary for some kind of inexplicable supernatural intervention to bring Kaito’s issues to light in order for Shuichi to help him, and that’s what’s happening here.

(Also, man it makes an interesting change to be using brackets and not speech marks for Kaito. It would have been so, so fun if we’d been able to see inside his head for the whole game.)

Kaito:  (What if we really gotta stay here forever…?)

Even though Kaito should know that he’s actively working towards their escape by befriending Shuichi like this, he’s still finding himself having brief pessimistic thoughts about whether things would really be this easy and Monokuma would really let them go just like that.

(And if he can’t help but worry like this about the relatively minor concerns in this AU, then please take a moment to imagine the far worse thoughts he’d have been plagued with in canon, where people have died and he is dying and there is no apparent means of escape for all of them together.)

Kaito:  (No, what am I saying…? I won’t accept this! No way!)

Of course, this is Kaito, who utterly refuses to acknowledge negative or painful thoughts, so he immediately shoots it down and pushes himself to stay determined.

It’s very important to note, though, that he’s still having that negative thought and needing to shoot it down consciously. Again, here’s proof that Kaito cannot completely lie to himself about things that are worrying him, even if he still hates dwelling on them and tries to stay as positive as he can.

Which he should! Maybe it’s somewhat less of a good idea for him to shoot down his worries in canon about the whole dying thing when that’s a problem he should really be addressing and not forcing himself to ignore. But most of the time, for most of Kaito’s problems, including this one here, he’s already doing his best to do something about it. And in that case, worrying about something you’re already doing your best to fix isn’t going to help; it’s just going to make you feel bad unnecessarily. Don’t wallow in your bad feelings when you could be doing something to make it better! This is Kaito instinctively following the advice he always gives to others!

Kaito:  (Damn it… For me to be this weak… It’s not like me…)

But… Kaito doesn’t realise that.

Really, this part could work if the weak spot was on the word “weak”, because I would very much like to contest the idea that the thought he was having was even weakness in the first place. Everyone has negative and pessimistic thoughts sometimes! That’s human! What should matter is how you deal with them, and clearly Kaito just dealt with his in a way that he ought to consider strong.

Yet the fact that he just did what he believes people should always do and overcame his worry means nothing next to the fact that he had that worry in the first place. Other people are allowed to be “weak” so long as they’re fighting to overcome their weakness, but not him. He’s not allowed to be anything less than invincible.

And suddenly, this has become the thing he’s worrying about – not the fleeting thought that they might not escape, but the thought that he’s being weak and he’s not supposed to be this way.

Kaito:  (I can’t let Shuichi see me like this… I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick…)

Which is especially bad because right now he happens to be in the same room as Shuichi. The reason he isn’t allowed to be weak is because his sidekicks need him to be strong. As a hero, he has to be the perfect invincible pillar of support for his sidekicks, and if he isn’t, if his sidekicks see that he isn’t, then how could he ever do anything for them any more?

Way back before I ever saw this event, I was trying to understand exactly why Kaito was so hypocritically determined to hide his weakness from his sidekicks. The most obvious idea was that it was out of selflessness, but simply in the sense that he didn’t want to cause his sidekicks more distress by worrying them. Another option that occurred to me was that it was more selfish than that, in terms of his pride, because he’d hate to shatter the heroic image he likes to give off.

Of course, the worry thing is very much part of it – but it’s not the main point. This event taught me the real answer: it is about his heroic image, but that image exists much less for himself and more for his sidekicks, to make them feel as if they can rely on him and to inspire them to be stronger. He hides his weakness in order to preserve his image out of selflessness, because he is so determined to support people who need it and so genuinely convinced those people would lose all the support they’ve been getting from him if they ever realised he was weak.

So not only would Kaito rather deal with his burdens alone, but he is adding to his burdens by making himself so afraid of letting his sidekicks down and depriving them of the support they need if he lets them see even the tiniest hint of weakness from him. Kaito acts casual and carefree on the surface when he’s with Shuichi and Maki – of course he does, he has to – but beneath that, this fear of showing weakness specifically to his sidekicks means that he is so often terrified just by being around the people he cares about most. And that’s heartbreaking?

And, again, this is an AU in which even just a very minor “weakness” is something that Kaito is afraid of showing to Shuichi. Just imagine how much more terrified he’d have been in canon when the weakness that he was at risk of showing to Shuichi and Maki was so much worse.

Shuichi:  (He seems deeply troubled by something…)

This is a stock line that Shuichi has in every Harmonious Heart event, but man is it incredibly appropriate in Kaito’s case here. A lot of the other characters’ thoughts in these events are about much more superficial things, or just more specific things that are only relevant to a particular event in their past, such that “deeply troubled” seems like a bit of an overstatement. But Kaito’s thoughts right here are the problem that’s at the root of everything that goes wrong between him and Shuichi in the main storyline and literally the reason he dies. We know just how badly Kaito wants to live, but this is worse than his fear of dying. He is so deeply troubled by the thought of showing weakness to his sidekicks that he would rather suffer a slow and painful death entirely alone. Damn right that deserves to be described like this.

I’m going to be going through the four outcomes from worst to best. So, time to fuck everything up and make things almost as bad as they were after trial 4.

Deny “It’s not like me…”

Shuichi:  “I don’t know about that, Kaito… It’s okay to be afraid sometimes…”

I love how, despite that this leads to the worst outcome, Shuichi is clearly still trying to help. None of the bad outcomes to this are caused by Shuichi having any kind of inexplicable bad intent; they’re just caused by him saying something with genuine good intentions that happened to set off Kaito’s issues and make things worse.

Shuichi is probably saying this specifically because it’s essentially something that Kaito has taught him. Kaito’s pep talks have never once tried to make Shuichi feel like he should be ashamed of being afraid, just so long as he’s trying to face those fears and become stronger. Really, Kaito should already understand this concept perfectly well himself! But… that’s for his sidekicks. He’s the hero, so clearly things are Different for him.

Kaito:  “It’s not like me to make others worry…”

Of course it isn’t. Causing other people emotional pain? Nope, that’s the complete opposite of what Kaito is always trying to do. How dare he ever do that, even if he never meant to and even if his own emotional pain is far worse than the worry he’s causing others by letting them see it.

Shuichi:  “I-I’m not trying to ‘worry’ about you or anything…”

But that really isn’t what Shuichi was doing, and even if it was, that’s not the point. This isn’t about how Shuichi feels bad because something’s up with Kaito; this is Shuichi trying to focus on how Kaito feels and find a way to help him feel better.

Kaito:  “It’s fine…”

Of course Kaito doesn’t see it that way, though, because Kaito always makes things about everyone except himself. It’s definitely nothing and Shuichi should stop worrying.

Kaito:  “What have I done? I’m so embarrassed. I’ve failed my sidekick…”

But despite insisting that it’s fine, Kaito is clearly not fine. He can’t even see Shuichi’s assurance that it’s okay to be afraid as the attempt to help him that it clearly was. All he can see is confirmation that, despite how desperately he was just telling himself he needs to hide it, Shuichi has seen his weakness.

Which is The Worst Thing he could possibly have allowed to happen. How could he have been such a terrible hero? This was exactly what he was so terrified of, and now it’s come true: he’s failed his sidekick. Shuichi is obviously never going to look up to him or be helped by him ever again now that he’s seen how weak Kaito is. All of that support and encouragement he’d been giving Shuichi has been dashed to pieces. Everything is ruined.

Kaito:  “Sorry, but can you leave me alone for a bit?”

So he asks to be left alone (while apologising for it, because of course this is completely his fault and something he deserves to feel bad about, right?).

And I really feel like he’s doing this because he’s about to have a rather more minor but basically analogous version of the breakdown he had at the end of chapter 4 after having so obviously (so he believed) shown himself to be weaker than Shuichi in the trial. He Will Not break down in front of Shuichi no matter what, but keeping up that mental barrier while in his presence, blocking out everything screaming at him about how badly he’s failed, has to be mentally exhausting. He probably wants the opportunity to be able to drop that and just let himself fall apart a little bit where nobody will see, just like when he wanted to get back to his room as quickly as possible after coughing up blood at the end of trial 4.

Honestly, it’s a little hard to imagine that Kaito would be able to just casually continue hanging out with Shuichi after this, even though the game mechanics don’t care and allow that to happen anyway. I can very much picture this causing Kaito to do the equivalent of early chapter 5 in which he just awkwardly avoids Shuichi, because surely Shuichi wouldn’t want to hang out with him any more after having seen how pathetic he is?

And a relevant thing to note is that you can’t get the Harmonious Heart event again on the same playthrough after having had it once. I was kind of frustrated to learn that the game doesn’t let you try again to fix how much you screwed it up the first time, but then I thought about it and realised that actually, at least in Kaito’s case, that makes perfect sense. Given what just happened, Kaito is going to be clamming up even more in front of Shuichi, probably even to the point of completely avoiding him. He’d be even more determined not to let Shuichi get even the tiniest glimpse of weakness out of utter terror of making things even worse. There’s no way Shuichi would ever be able to get as far as seeing into his thoughts again in the first place.

At least in this context, Shuichi has a lot less reason to believe Kaito is angry at him – although maybe he’d feel guilty for unintentionally intruding on Kaito’s thoughts, especially ones as deeply personal as this, and might assume Kaito could be angry at him and therefore avoiding him for that reason. That is, however, something that Shuichi actually should apologise for, so he’d probably be able to get himself to do that. I doubt that would help that much, though, because that’s still not Kaito’s actual problem; regardless of whether Shuichi was wrong to intrude on Kaito’s thoughts, that doesn’t change what he heard  when he did so. Kaito knows that Shuichi’s never going to be able to unhear how weak he is, so how can he just pretend it never happened just because Shuichi didn’t mean to hear it?

(…Maybe upon realising that he’s not going to get anywhere with Kaito by just talking to him about it, this would be the point at which Shuichi would actually start repeatedly gifting him emotional support robot orcas, in a desperate attempt to communicate that I just want to help you, it’s okay to need support, please stop shutting me out.)

But now let’s move to a universe where Shuichi didn’t mess things up quite so badly. (I say “mess it up” like it was Shuichi’s fault, but it wasn’t. It was really on Kaito’s end for completely missing the point of his genuine desire to help.)

Affirm “I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick…”

Shuichi:  “You never show me your weakness, Kaito.”

First, let’s stop and consider the fact that Shuichi has always looked up to Kaito and assumed he’s basically invincible – if he even did so in the killing game, where it’s way less reasonable to imagine anyone truly being invincible, then he’s definitely also doing so in this AU. Which means that this sudden insight into Kaito’s thoughts would be the very first time Shuichi ever properly realises that Kaito does have weaknesses in the first place. So maybe part of what’s going through Shuichi’s head as he says this is him reeling from the fact that, wait, Kaito has been having worries of his own this whole time and he never told me any of them, despite everything he keeps saying about sharing our worries?

Yet even though he’s probably saying this due to being taken aback by this realisation, Shuichi’s exasperated-but-worried expression as he says this also reads to me like he intends to follow it up with “but I wish you would, it’s okay, you don’t have to be afraid of that”. He is still saying this with an intent to help.

Kaito:  “Yeah! No way I’d do that. It’s as absurd as saying you’re an alien.”

But before Shuichi can get that far, Kaito just jumps on Shuichi’s first sentence and insists that yes, of course he’d never do that, that’s utterly absurd, why would Shuichi ever possibly think he would. Showing weakness to his sidekick is The Worst Possible Thing that would ruin everything and obviously he’d never be so terrible as to fail his sidekick that completely, what kind of hero does Shuichi even think he is!?

Shuichi:  “It’s not *that* absurd…”

Meanwhile, Shuichi, being on planet Earth and not Planet Kaito, is rather confused by this logic. Showing weakness to someone you trust isn’t absurd, it’s just human. (Does Kaito trust Shuichi? Not in this way, evidently. He doesn’t trust that Shuichi would still look up to him even if he knew about this, despite how obvious that is to anyone else who knows Shuichi even a little bit.)

Kaito:  “No, to me it’s a really big deal.”

It really is. Especially since this is why he fell apart at the end of chapter 4 and why he never told anyone he was dying until it was far too late to save him. It’s honestly a little surprising that we actually get Kaito somewhat acknowledging what a big deal this is to him here… but I suppose so long as he does so without actually showing any weakness, then it’s fine; he’s just explaining an important principle of his that he’s definitely never going to break.

Kaito:  “But I can’t really shake this mood just yet…”

Of course he can’t. His worried mood started off just being about escaping, but then it quickly turned into him being even more worried about showing weakness to Shuichi, which is exactly the topic that the conversation is still on and that he’s just asserted would be absolutely unthinkable for him to ever do. That worry is not going to go away like that, and it’s also the exact kind of thing he can’t let Shuichi see. This is a positive-feedback loop of his fear of showing weakness being the very weakness that he’s afraid to show. He is still terrified of failing Shuichi as they speak.

Kaito:  “Sorry, but could you leave me alone for now?”

So he’s… running away from the situation, as the only way to ensure he won’t fail. He would rather pass up on a chance to hang out with Shuichi than keep risking that. (Also, apologising, because of course. To be fair, maybe an apology for not hanging out with his friend for such an irrational reason is warranted, but that’s definitely not what Kaito thinks he’s apologising for, is it.)

This one isn’t quite as bad an outcome as last time because at least Kaito doesn’t end up believing that he’s already failed. (It doesn’t seem like Kaito realises that Shuichi saw his thoughts this time, or at least he has some plausible deniability to himself about it – Shuichi would totally just make a comment like “You never show me your weakness” out of the blue because that’s just a definitely true statement, right?) But even so, this brought Kaito face-to-face with his fear of letting Shuichi down and made him really think about what he believes it’d mean if he did do that and how terrified he is of that happening. He’s probably not going to start actively avoiding Shuichi from here, because he’s obviously fine and obviously isn’t going to show any weakness to him, but all his interactions with Shuichi from this point on are likely to be undercut even more than they usually would with that constant fear of what if he *does*? What if he *fails*? Again, though he still emphatically did not mean to, Shuichi accidentally made things worse than they were before he said anything.

Before we move onto the better two outcomes, I noticed something regarding these two worst options here. Shuichi telling him “hey, no, it’s okay to be afraid” and Shuichi going “whoa, yeah, you really never do show me your weakness, do you” would probably both come about by Shuichi being very immediately reactionary and saying what first comes to mind when he hears Kaito’s thoughts. And it’s neat that those are the ones that unintentionally mess things up and make Kaito feel worse. This is a very delicate situation that needs to be approached in exactly the right way to get through to Kaito and not make him just shut Shuichi out even more, and to do that, Shuichi would need to stop and think more carefully about exactly how Kaito’s going to respond to his words and how best to get him to see sense.

Affirm “It’s not like me…”

Shuichi:  “…That’s true. You never back down from a challenge, do you, Kaito?”

It seems that this time, Shuichi’s decided to try and affirm Kaito’s stubbornness and determination and reassure him that he’s not weak. This still isn’t addressing the real core of the problem, but it seems likely to help on the surface.

This sentiment would perhaps work a little better if it really could be directed at the “For me to be this weak” statement, though. It would be more helpful to specifically tell Kaito that thinking something negative and then shooting it down isn’t actually weakness at all, reassuring him that what he thinks of as weakness in himself really isn’t. As it is, Kaito is liable to think that the only reason Shuichi called him strong is because he overlooked the part of Kaito that’s so weak in the first place. Which leaves exactly the same problem of making Kaito so afraid of showing that weakness after all and ruining that supposed illusion.

That said, Shuichi is still doing better than just a blanket affirmation that Kaito is strong. He’s saying that Kaito won’t back down from a challenge, which is a completely accurate assessment of what Kaito is like! He may struggle with things from time to time, but he refuses to give up and let that stop him!

But Kaito thinks in a far too black-and-white way about strength and weakness, at least when it comes to heroes like himself, so he’s not going to take it that way.

Kaito:  “Right!? No way a man who’s gonna explore the universe should freak out about this!”

It’s not that he was freaking out but then didn’t back down and refused to let it stop him – it’s that he definitely didn’t freak out at all in the first place, that’s definitely what Shuichi is saying and definitely what happened and he’s completely fine. Someone like him shouldn’t freak out about anything, because he’s a hero and that is not what heroes do – but at least Shuichi seems to be agreeing with him about that, right!?

Kaito:  “Especially to you.”

Kaito is implying here that, if he absolutely had to show weakness at all, he’d actually kind of prefer to do so not to a sidekick of his like Shuichi, but to a stranger, someone who doesn’t have any expectations of him and that he doesn’t have a responsibility towards.

Shuichi:  “…To me?”

Shuichi seems bewildered by this part in particular. Which does make sense – surely it’d be easier for Kaito to show weakness to someone he’s close to, like Shuichi, than to a complete stranger? That’s usually the case with most people, after all. Understanding why it’s the exact opposite of that for Kaito is the root of the problem, and Shuichi failed to figure that out in this version of events.

Kaito:  “I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick.”

Just in case you weren’t sure how important this was, Kaito is reiterating it. It’s actually kind of surprising he’s even willing to say this out loud to Shuichi, since it implies that he might potentially have some kind of weakness that he’s choosing not to show. But, again, I suppose that so long as he doesn’t show any, then he can tell himself that all he’s doing by saying this is affirming his Heroic Responsibilities that he would obviously never let his sidekick down by breaking.

Kaito:  “Just forget about whatever it was you heard before.”

However, this is interesting, because it implies that Kaito is, to some extent, aware of the fact that Shuichi just heard his thoughts? Which you’d think would send him into the same kind of spiral of “oh god I’ve failed him” as the worst outcome, but apparently not quite. It seems that Shuichi responding by affirming Kaito’s strength is allowing Kaito to convince himself that it’s not that bad, Shuichi can’t possibly have noticed how weak he is from whatever he heard, because if he had then surely he’d have said so.

But Kaito’s still insisting Shuichi forgets about it, probably mostly so that he can forget about it and not have to worry about what might happen if Shuichi thinks too hard about the thoughts he heard. He’s basically just desperately trying to paper over the problem and ignore what just happened, convincing himself that so long as Shuichi didn’t mention seeing any weakness then he obviously mustn’t have seen any at all, and so it’s totally not a big deal that he might have just read Kaito’s thoughts while they were being so weak and negative and everything is fine, right!? Right!!!

Kaito:  “I was unsure for a sec, but now I’m overflowing with motivation!”

See, those negative thoughts he might have been maybe having for a second are totally gone now, so they might as well both pretend they never existed! He’s fine! Shuichi needn’t worry about a thing! Everything is fine.

Shuichi:  (He sounds like he’s hiding something…)

…But even Shuichi can tell now that he is not fine. Which is either because his glimpse into Kaito’s thoughts just now is letting him realise that these displays from Kaito aren’t as truthful as he once thought they were, or just because this particular display is especially strained and transparent.

The event doesn’t go any further than this, other than awkwardly mood-whiplashing us with Shuichi’s standard “I think this conversation went well” comment that he has for every good-but-not-great hangout outcome. It clearly did not go well! Shuichi managed to notice that! This is nominally a good outcome by the game’s metric, and admittedly it seems to be that way on the surface because look, Kaito is Totally Fine, nothing is wrong at all, and at least he didn’t end up asking Shuichi to leave him alone this time. But this has not remotely fixed Kaito’s problem either and is just perpetuating his desperate defence mechanisms.

In fact, if anything, the possibility that Shuichi might have got a glimpse of what’s beneath them is only going to make Kaito’s façade even more desperate and strained. Since Shuichi affirmed that he’s fine, Kaito can’t make an excuse to leave like in the other ones, because that’d be like admitting that Shuichi’s wrong and he’s not actually fine at all. So he has no choice but to keep hanging out with him and keep desperately pretending to be fine despite how badly he must be freaking out over the possibility of showing Shuichi that he isn’t. Things are yet again just a little bit worse despite Shuichi’s genuine attempt to help.

Shuichi would probably notice that Kaito seems kind of awkwardly distracted and distant during their continued hangouts and figure it has something to do with what happened here. After trying to prod Kaito about it verbally and getting a predictable complete lack of acknowledgement of a problem, Shuichi might become desperate enough to fix this awkwardness and figure out how to help Kaito that, against his better judgement, he decides to deliberately tap into his mindreading powers again. So he looks into Kaito’s thoughts during one of his distant moments to try and figure out what’s really bothering him about this…

…only to find Kaito THINKING VERY LOUDLY ABOUT SPACE, he can’t wait to go to SPACE, here are all the PLANETS HE CAN NAME.

Because Kaito knows now that somehow, inexplicably, Shuichi can hear his thoughts. Even if Shuichi totally didn’t hear anything bad last time it happened, that notion that he can hear them at all is terrifying to Kaito. He can’t even afford to think about the things that are worrying him while in Shuichi’s presence in case Shuichi hears it and becomes convinced that he really is weak. But of course, that very fear of doing that would then become the topic of his thoughts and make him worry even more and make everything even worse and make him even more likely to fail Shuichi and—

…And so, long story short, to avoid spontaneously combusting, Kaito hastily cobbled together a desperate coping mechanism of running mental interference by consciously forcing himself to think about something unrelated whenever he’s in Shuichi’s company. As a result, all of his interactions (SPACE) with Shuichi are awkwardly (BLACK HOLES) stilted, because he’s constantly focusing on (NEBULAS) trying to keep an inner monologue that (JUPITER) isn’t thinking about anything else (THE BIG DIPPER. THE BIG DIPPER!) except space. (While, of course, feeling utterly terrified beneath it of letting it slip for even a second, not that SPACE no he’s not scared of anytHING HE JUST REALLY LIKES SPACE)

…I’m not sure where this story ends. I mostly just wanted to get to the part with Kaito thinking loudly about space to drown out his other thoughts, because that’s a concept I’ve had in my head for ages that I wanted to share.

So anyway, let’s rewind things one last time and actually help Kaito at last.

Deny “I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick…”

In this one, Shuichi has realised that this is the core of the problem. And that’s all he ever needed to do to fix this.

Shuichi:  “I’m your sidekick… but I’m also your friend, Kaito.”

Shuichi’s way of approaching this is adorable. Instead of telling Kaito how heroes are allowed to be weak sometimes and that doesn’t mean they’ve failed their sidekicks or make them any less heroic at all, he just throws all of that out of the window to focus on the fact that they’re friends.

Earlier in this post I got talking about how Kaito is so hung up on the idea that Shuichi is his sidekick that he isn’t even sure if he’s actually a regular friend beneath that. I’m really happy that happened to come up from those bits of bonus dialogue and deliberately went into it so much when it did because it’s a very important point that’s been contributing to his issues here.

The hero-and-sidekick thing is a useful way to frame their relationship in terms of how Kaito is helping Shuichi, but it inherently comes with all kinds of expectations, almost all of them on Kaito to continue to be that perfect and invincible hero, or else… or else Shuichi won’t have any reason to care about him any more? But friendship is so much simpler and with so many fewer expectations. Friends care about each other regardless of how strong or weak they are. Until now, Kaito wasn’t sure if Shuichi even was his friend outside of the whole sidekick deal, but… of course he is, you big moron.

Shuichi:  “Maybe you don’t show weakness to your sidekick. But you can to your friend.”

…I’m not sure I like how Shuichi is still saying it’s okay that Kaito insists he mustn’t show any weakness while he’s playing the hero role and Shuichi is being the sidekick. That’s still a totally misguided premise. (And Shuichi should be perfectly aware that heroes don’t need to be invincible to be inspiring, you’d think, based on his comments about fiction in trial 6.) But regardless, so long as what Shuichi’s saying about their friendship gets Kaito to realise that it’s okay for him to show weakness to Shuichi, that’s what really matters.

Kaito:  “…”

For once, Kaito isn’t responding immediately with some kind of fervent insistence that him showing weakness would be inconceivable. He’s actually listening to what Shuichi’s saying with a thoughtful expression.

Shuichi:  “If you don’t want to open up to your sidekick… maybe you’ll open up to your best friend. How about it, Kaito?”

Heroes and sidekicks may not, at least not in Kaito’s definition, but friends open up to each other and support each other with their problems, mutually, in both directions. That’s just how friendship works. Even Kaito with his possible lack of experience in the subject ought to understand that much.

It’s also incredibly adorable how Shuichi’s not saying “you’re my best friend”, which is the part he’d be able to say with authority. Rather, he’s saying “I’m your best friend”, even though Kaito has never actually said as much (because he’s barely even called Shuichi his friend in the first place). Shuichi is technically making an assumption here to even say that – but of course he’s right about it. Kaito hadn’t even properly realised that himself, but Shuichi could see it anyway. And it was definitely his Shuichi Saihara side and not his detective side that made him so sure about this particular truth.

(they are FRIENDS, I may have mentioned this a few times)

Kaito:  “Shuichi…”

Kaito is still pausing, thoughtful. He’s saying Shuichi’s name like he’s impressed or taken aback, as if Shuichi just said something groundbreaking that Kaito would never have thought of himself, but that actually… makes sense?

(Of course it makes sense, Kaito. You were just always being a gigantic idiot about this.)

Kaito:  “Thanks. I’m alright now.”

He genuinely means this. This is so much more subdued than all of his over-the-top insistence that he’s Totally Fine, so this isn’t a façade. Shuichi’s words actually got through to him and made him realise that he doesn’t need to be afraid of this. And thanking someone is something Kaito does quite rarely because he usually doesn’t like to acknowledge that he needed help – but he’s doing so here! Shuichi really did help him and he really is grateful, and it’s okay for him to admit that!

Shuichi:  “What? Are you sure?”

Shuichi seems surprised that Kaito would suddenly be so okay so quickly, which could seem to hint that he actually isn’t. But it’s not that – it’s just that Shuichi didn’t realise that the fix would be this simple.

Kaito:  “Now that I know you think of me like that… All my doubts are gone!”

Shuichi was perhaps still thinking that the main problem was Kaito’s initial worry about not getting out of here and was expecting him to open up about that. But that was insignificant next to the real problem, which was Kaito’s fear of what would happen if he showed any kind of weakness to Shuichi. Now that Kaito realises that Shuichi sees him as a friend and accepts and supports him regardless of his weaknesses, and that this doesn’t mean they can’t also do the hero-and-sidekick thing alongside that… the entire problem has literally just vanished into thin air.

Kaito:  “Alright! Let’s escape this screwed up academy together!”

And those initial doubts he had about escaping? Even though he didn’t have Shuichi help him address those doubts, they were already something Kaito was capable of shooting down and overcoming by himself! Damn right he’s not just going to accept being stuck here, not when he’s got a friend as amazing as Shuichi that he wants to escape with!

These outcomes to a Harmonious Heart event have a very limited length – really there should be so much more being said here than the handful of lines we get. Shuichi should still want to discuss the fact that Kaito did feel so afraid of showing him weakness, so that they can explore that and be sure that Kaito really will be comfortable opening up to him in future if he needs to. Despite knowing now in his head that it’s okay, Kaito’s still going to be instinctively inclined to hide his worries, and it’ll probably take him a while to fully unlearn that.

But regardless, I really like that even in this short space, the writing makes sure to carefully show that this does work on Kaito and genuinely gets through to him. It would be very easy for things to still come across like Kaito’s lying about being okay, but his reaction here contains enough clues that he actually means it and that he really thought about Shuichi’s words and took them to heart.

Helping Kaito begin to fix his issues was always going to be this simple. Shuichi only needed to know what the problem was in the first place, and that was the hardest part.

Graduation scene

And now, let’s imagine this brings us onto the final bit of content in this bonus mode, which is the scene you get with Kaito after the ten days are over and they’re going to get out of here because they became appropriately epic friends. (shush, Monokuma DEFINITELY MENTIONED FRIENDSHIP)

It’s a little unclear as to whether everyone else is also going to escape just because two people achieved this, or whether they’re the only ones escaping – I’m pretty sure all the graduation scenes kinda just skim over that topic. But let’s assume that everyone gets to leave, because neither Kaito nor Shuichi would stand for it and be able to have this happy reflection about their time here if that wasn’t the case.

The wiki mentions at one point that successfully getting the best outcome for the Harmonious Heart event is necessary to unlock the graduation scene. Unfortunately, the wiki is wrong. You can very definitely fuck up the Harmonious Heart and still get this scene – heck, you can probably not even happen to trigger it at all. All you need to do is max a character’s FTEs to get five hearts of affection and then do enough successful hangouts to get another five hearts. It would, after all, be kind of unfair for the game to expect you to get the Harmonious Heart right, because you can only attempt it once per playthrough and so getting it wrong would screw you out of that character’s ending on that playthrough.

…I say “unfortunately” because, at least in Kaito’s case, it’d narratively be a lot more fun if you really did have to succeed in his Harmonious Heart event to get this ending. It would be really neat if the kind of close friendship that Shuichi and Kaito needed to achieve in order to be able to leave is a more equal, healthy friendship than they ever had in canon, in which Kaito is also able to open up to Shuichi about his own issues and be supported in return. That’s very much the kind of friendship I like to imagine them having in this AU once they leave and continue to live happily ever after as adorable best friends on the outside. Or in any AU in which they both get to live, for that matter. They deserve it.

(Because, you know, Monokuma and the audience definitely care about emotionally healthy and nuanced relationships showing these complex characters helping each other overcome their issues, since such a thing is a more meaningful and compelling part of a relationship than simply whether or not the feelings involved are romantic and is equally possible when they aren’t. That’s totally what the audience is watching for and not just ARGLFLARGL ROMANCE, right.)

There’s also the fact that in all of the Harmonious Heart outcomes that aren’t the successful one, things would likely become at best subtly awkward between Kaito and Shuichi, and at worst Kaito probably starts outright avoiding him. That wouldn’t be the best environment for this ending to happen in.

Kaito:  “I thought I’d be happy about it, but I don’t want it to end… I’m a little sad.”

Shuichi:  “It was just for a short while, but we did go through a lot. I’m a little sad too.”

Yeah, all those things they went through that totally, uh, you know, happened. Shuichi’s wording implies he’s talking about things that aren’t just hanging out with Kaito and becoming friends with him, as if there were some actual overarching plot events to this mode, which, ha ha.

Shuichi:  “Are you going to go back to astronaut training when you get out of here?”

Kaito:  “Of course! No way I’d give up on my dream of becoming an astronaut!”

Obviously! Kaito is going to live happily ever after as an astronaut who goes to SPACE lots of times under normal circumstances and comes back alive each time!

Kaito:  “I’m gonna make up all my lost time as fast as I can!”

Shuichi:  “That’s true, while we were in here, the other trainees were training every day.”

Haha, yes, those other trainees. Kaito’s going to hit something of a roadblock upon learning that he was never an astronaut trainee in the first place… but like hell that’s going to stop him. It’s still going to be him making up for lost time, just the lost time of never having actually trained in the first place. (His fake memories of training will help a bit, though.)

Kaito:  “But, y’know, coming here… I think it was good for me. One reason was because I got to meet you…”

Aww. He’s about to talk about how being here helped with his astronaut training, but he still wanted to mention meeting Shuichi first, because that’s very much the best thing he gained from being here. They are friends.

(Coming here was also good for him because without it he wouldn’t exist. Existing is good.)

Shuichi:  (The most important thing for an astronaut…) “Good communication, right?”

Every character’s ending scene asks you to remember something they mentioned during one of their FTEs, and this is the one for Kaito. Of course communication skills are relevant to the time they spent here! Or… at least they would have been if this AU had had any semblance of a story to it.

Kaito:  “No matter how great you are, you can’t be an astronaut if you can’t communicate. A fight in a spaceship because of bad communication could be fatal, right?”

You know what else could be fatal on a spaceship because of bad communication? One of the astronauts not telling everybody else when he’s feeling sick, which could potentially endanger not just the astronaut himself but also the rest of the crew. So thaaaat’s a thing they’ll have to train out of him – though maybe the help Shuichi’s given him in this AU has already started to do that.

Kaito:  “Being shut away and told to live together… Living together here was probably even harder than living on a spaceship.”

It actually is kind of analogous! Astronauts are stuck with the same handful of people all day every day for months on end while up in space, which is why they need to be able to get along so well. That’s also basically what happened at this academy. Too bad this place contained a few people who are so horrendously bad at communication and teamwork that they’d never have been allowed to become astronauts even if they tried. I guess that’s why Kaito says it was even harder than being on a spaceship.

Shuichi:  “Well, you learned a lot about communication here. Living here must have been good training for you.”

Yeah, with all of the communicating among each other that everybody definitely did, it’s not like they just stood unmoving in the same spot in the courtyard for ten days or anything. Gah, this mode’s lack of a story.

The actual canon story would also have helped Kaito learn a thing or two about communication, in theory, at least if he’d lived and had been able to continue to use what he’d learned. If he’d lived, then presumably, during whatever change to the canon events caused him to actually get his illness treated before it was too late, the main lesson he’d learn would be an emphatic tell people when something’s wrong with you, dammit. Important lessons about communication there.

Kaito:  “Just how living here helped me in my astronaut training… I think it helped you with your detective work, too. Maybe the time you spent here will be useful for your future, y’know?”

A nice sentiment, but one that definitely only really makes sense for the main story. In this AU, apparently all Shuichi did was hang out with people all day, with no attempt to unravel the mystery of what’s going on here.

Kaito:  “Isn’t there something you gained here?”

It’s marred by the lack of any semblance of a story backing this up, but it’s still very Kaito that he’s trying to encourage Shuichi to think about what he’s learned and how he’s grown.

Shuichi:  (And above all else… I was so lucky to make a friend like Kaito.)

That’s definitely a thing that we can all agree he gained here, though! And that’s what’s most important – for Kaito as well.

Shuichi:  “Thank you for everything. I’m really glad I met you, Kaito.”

Awwww. It’s so lovely to hear Shuichi fully expressing how much he’s grateful to Kaito, while Kaito is there to hear it. Shuichi never quite said anything to this extent in canon while Kaito was alive, which I may have mentioned a few times was kind of heartbreaking.

Kaito:  “What are you talking about!? That’s my line! I’m glad I got to meet you, Shuichi!”

So… since this is this AU and not the canon story, I’m going to assume that Kaito brushing off Shuichi’s heartfelt thanks isn’t because he doesn’t feel like he deserves it. Rather, it’s just that, despite that he constantly presents the fiction of himself as this awesome hero who does this for people, he’s kind of awkward and unsure about how to respond to such earnest gratitude acknowledging that awesomeness as the genuine truth. So instead, he does what he always does and turns it around to use it to help Shuichi feel good about himself, too.

Kaito really does mean this, though. He’s just as grateful to Shuichi as Shuichi is to him – especially if we assume that the Harmonious Heart’s best outcome really did happen in this story. They are friends! Not just hero and sidekick, friends, which is such a big deal to Kaito. Shuichi is already the closest friend he’s ever had, and that means the world to him.

(I definitely hadn’t forgotten about this line when I wrote my own thing about Kaito getting heartfelt thanks from his sidekicks and responding with “that’s my line”, so this… probably somewhat influenced that, yes.)

Kaito:  “You’ll always be my sidekick, alright!?”

Again, since this is a happier AU with much less messed-up co-dependency going on (especially with the Harmonious Heart having helped to fix that), I’m going to assume Kaito means this in a good way. Not as “I need you to always depend on me”, but just as “whenever you do need me, I’ll always be there for you”. Everyone needs someone else from time to time. You can’t just graduate from being a “sidekick” who relies on someone else’s support into a “hero” who doesn’t need anyone at all. Heroes and sidekicks aren’t that black-and-white. Kaito considered the sidekicks from his backstory only former sidekicks by now, but that isn’t how things should actually work at all.

Once Kaito’s sidekick, always Kaito’s sidekick, because no matter how strong those people are now thanks to him, they’re still going to need help sometimes, and because Kaito is always going to want to be there for his friends.

Shuichi:  “Yes, of course!”

Look at Shuichi not even being slightly awkward or put-off at the idea of being Kaito’s “sidekick”! He understands exactly what Kaito means by that here, and it was never about Shuichi being lesser than him.

Shuichi:  (Kaito and I beamed at one another and shook hands. We both put all our strength into the handshake.)

They are friends! I love the implication that they both want to get across the strength of their friendship in that handshake, communicating without words.

Shuichi:  (I’m really glad I met Kaito. So in at least *one* way, I’m thankful to Monokuma. I’m sure Kaito feels the same way. But we don’t have to tell each other that. We don’t need words. I know exactly how Kaito feels, without them.)

Communication without words! Shuichi and Kaito also kind of did some of this, during trial 5, so it’s especially appropriate for them that this is one of the things the writers put into their scene here. Friends who know each other so well that they can do this is one of my favourite friendship tropes and melts my heart.

I suppose we can assume that Shuichi’s inexplicable mindreading powers have reverted to something less supernaturally intrusive and more realistically just him being able to intuit how Kaito’s feeling because of how well he knows him. Maybe this means he’ll be able to take a leaf out of Kaito’s book and pick up on when Kaito’s feeling down and needs to talk to him about something, even when he’d have hesitated to mention it otherwise? I hope so. They are friends and equals who can support each other, like they always should have been.

[liilireinhartstan]

Lonely Hour - 4.02 Bughead Drabble.

It was going to be another lonely hour.

This life goes by so fast and none of us are really good at stopping to savour it

It got him thinking

What life could possibly be like without his partner in crime. His best friends. His ride or die.

In only a year from now it would be completely different. But he focused on now. On today. On them.

“Is anyone else absolutely shattered, or is it just the champagne kicking in for me finally?”

“Good point” Archie Added.

“I’m so ready to sleep, it feels like all I’ve done today is mope around and eat crap”

“Hey!Don’t talk about good food like that..” complained jughead.

“You guys are in the guest room straight along and up 4, it’s chilly in there all the time so I’d recommend going in there after heating up or 2 seconds before you pass out asleep”

“Wanna grab the spare night bags with me Betts? they are upstairs”

“Let’s get them then I can go to sleep pleasee”

Veronica held Betty back to murmur a tipsy joke.

“No funny business on the nice rug , my mother would skin me and then boil me alive.”

They both giggle ...

“Gosh” jughead murmured

“Veronica wasn’t lying, it’s absolutely freezing in here”

“Guess we’ll have to warm eachother up” Betty suggested

......................................................................

“Jug have you seen my toothbrush? Or my towel or my face wash? They aren’t there”

With everything kicking in - Champagne, hormones & restlessness. Betty began bawling.

“I forgot them all at home, I’m so stupid, how do I forget my night bag”

Jughead got down to her level from where she was placed in the bed. He cupped her face and tucked her hair behind her ear.?

“Hey, it’s okay. Veronica will have spare, I’m sure,and if not I can go buy you some. You’re alright and you’re most definitely not stupid. Betts.”

Jughead knew Betty was having a moment so he said “ I will go sit in the lounge and wait for you, let’s go get you what you need babe.”

He looked for reassurance in her eyes and she nodded. “Thank you juggie, i love you”

5 minutes went by and Betty still had not emerged from the Arctic like room and jughead began to worry.

Not wanting to disturb Archie and Veronica he lightly knocked on the door but then felt someone run their hands through his hair from behind

“Shit, Betty I thought that was Hiram or something”

She giggled “I’m ready to go when you are”

“Cool do you have Keys before we leave so we can actually get in?”

“No, do you?”

“Fuck, this was my idea and I didn’t even think about how we would get back in. Unless you stay and I go we will meet back here.”

“No jug, we aren’t doing that, I will use what Veronica has got and first thing tomorrow I will just ask her for a toothbrush”

“But Betty it was my Id-“

“Kiss me jug, kiss me”

......................................................................

A couple months ago Betty and Jughead had both decided to chat about their sex life with her gynaecologist.

He had suggested that she try the pill and see how it made her feel. She put weight on her boobs but overall she was happy so he was happy.

The first time without using physical protection was terrifying but amazing and ever since They’ve enjoyed exploring eachothers body more.

.............................................................

“Jug I don’t wanna go to that cold room lets have sex right here. Please.”

Jughead being cautious after a near miss at the trailer with him betty and his dad even though he been knew. Ever since jughead has strict boundaries on where he will have sex with Betty.

“What if someone walks in Betty, what will we do then.

Betty rolled her eyes and sighed

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay we can just watch a movie.”

“No, I want to, like really want to but we need to be quiet, I’d rather not have my best friends looking at my manhood.”

Jughead smirked.

“Come here”

It was fantastic, as per usual. Jughead kissing her all over, leaving his mark on part of her body only her and himself would ever see. Betty giving jughead a blow as in perfect as she was she knew how to give perfect blow jobs and jughead was not complaining. Jughead alternating between slow thrusting and quick thrusts and Betty calling out his name asking for more. Lately they had been trying out jughead topping. As much as Betty loved the sight of him on top she couldn’t control many things in her life so being on top during sex gave her some sort of control and it made jughead come harder in her so it was a win win.

“Fuck that was so good” their hot breaths met yet again this time for a long passionate kiss the taste of kissing jughead after hot sex was something of dreams betty thought. Sweat, cum, tears.

“How did I get so lucky”

After 20 minutes of pillow talk which was always the second best bit of having sex after the actual sex. Betty got up to get cleaned up after picking up their quickly disregarded clothes and tidying up jugheads hair betty went to go clean up.

She brushed her hair first then brushed her teeth with her toothbrush which was in her bag which of course she hadn’t even forgotten, she had just packed it away.

Then she hopped into the shower.

“Ouch that stings” there was a little blood too.

Jughead had went a little too rough on poor Betty and oh did that shit hurt.

“I’m done juggy, you can go in the bathroom.”

Jughead did the same hair, teeth then shower.

Once they got into bed, light out and then bedtime voices on.

“Goodnight Betts.”

“Night.”

‘Night He thought that’s odd Betty never says night like that.

“Is everything okay betty?”

“Yep I’m just really tired, why?”

“Nah it’s nothing you just never say night like that it sounded kinda dry, so I was just checking if you were okay. If there is something up you can say if it was about y’know then I -

“It’s not that deep, well actually it kinda is, it literally Is”

She sighed

“What are you talking about Betty, is this about earlier?”

“Yes it’s just you kind of hurt me a bit, like it was cut and I was bleeding a little, it doesn’t hurt or anything I just wanted you to know you went a little bit too far in today. Not to make you upset or lower your self esteem just so you know for next time.”

“I’m so sorry betty. Why did you not say anything?”

“We were enjoying ourselves I didn’t want to be dramatic, I had a good time but it just scared me a little. Like after our first time I didn’t even bleed.”

“Fuck” jughead thought to himself. He didn’t even ask if it was okay at all today during. “I’ve been a dick I’m sorry” he thought. Jughead had to go think stuff through and how to make it up to her.

“I’m going for a walk Betty” the mood in the room dropped from happy to sad in a matter of minutes.

She wanted to protest and tell him to stay like he did to her but this was a heavy personal thing and he needed to let off some steam.

“okay jug, I will get the door for you when you’re back.” She went to turn the light on but he’d already left.

It got to morning 8:55 to be exact and jughead had not returned.

Morning B Veronica said when she saw her at around 9am. Sleep well? Ready for the last day of summer.

“Morning, yeah yeah I am.” She smiled with some confusion on her face.

“Where’s jughead this morn.?”

“Oh Is he not with Archie?”

Veronica looked at Betty then the floor then Betty again.

“No Archie has been with me all morning he’s just in the shower now. Is everything okay?”

“No actually it’s not i am quite worried V.”

She wanted to say the truth and get advice but she didn’t want to drag out a situation that was irrelevant to them.

It’s just something that happened last night it’s ok though, just a bit of an emotional night that’s all.

Veronica called Archie to see if he knew anything.

“Well it’s good that you said something, it must have been really bad if he’s not came back yet though.”

“Betty and Jughead had a little fight and Betty hasn’t seen him since last night have you heard anything.”

“Honestly I should not be saying anything but yes I did he just texted to say he was okay and he’d be back for breakfast and to tell you, I guess he meant you betty, that he was sorry.

What was it that happened it sounds like it really upset you both.

And then all of a sudden Jughead emerged from the main room door.

[tannerpan]

How I found Faith in Atheism

I know I said that this blog was for my Spanish and Puerto Rico, but right now I got this feeling on my chest that I just need to let out. Thanks.

I struggle a lot with faith. In early childhood I was raised in a non-denominational church and was an avid reader. My parents left the church when they moved and I was too young to feel any sense of “faith” but I still retained all the lessons I was taught from the Bible. I moved to a very Mormon town, and there everybody ( at least all of the kids in my elementary school) accepted God and Jesus as a fact. So it kind of became more fact and history to me than faith, as the only time I prayed was before a meal at my grandparents.

My first questioning began in fifth grade. In fifth grade I went through a depression phase for a brief period of time because of family matters. It was then that I began to search for something intangible I could wholeheartedly trust. Thus, I read the Bible that I vaguely remembered from my childhood. I was horrified. I didn’t read the book straight through, it was more of a random opening of the book and read. Its funny the parts of the bible they avoid talking about in church. At the time the one that really hit me was the psalm about having good slaves. I was confused and hurting. How could this fact that there was a God and Jesus be so accepted?

I ignored what I had found and pushed it down inside of me. My family issues resolved themselves and I had no reason to think of it ever again. Queue my second questioning. I had discovered the internet in the form of Instagram. Seventh grade me was all over the place, adapting to the real world outside of my sheltered bubble, and the Internet pioneered that realization for me. My family had always been allies of the LGBTQ+ community, and I began to question whether or not I myself was straight. As more LGBTQ+ stuff popped up on my feed I started to realize that sexuality and religion didnt always go hand in hand. To me at the time it seemed I had to make a choice, the LGBTQ+ community or the religious one. With the help of a girl I met at summer camp who wasn’t straight, I decided not to loose my friendship over my unstable relationship with god. Thus I quit religion cold turkey. Quitting religion didn’t fufill me, although it made life a little bit easier without the threat of hell hanging over my head. But without hell, heaven, or god, I was stuck in a sort of limbo where I was back to searching what I was searching for in fifth grade. 

I decided that I needed to explore the religions of the world to find the faith that was right for me. I realized that this required lots of reading and traveling, so I decided I would remain faithless till I graduated or had the time. I’m a masterful procrastinator. Even so I did occasionally find time to read up a little on religion. One book in particular was about atheism. In reading the book I discovered more about the world of the faithless, and I found myself agreeing with a lot of the points they made in the book, but it also scared me. If there is no afterlife what is the meaning to normal life. Is it pointless? Am I insignificant? Is there no grand scene? And like the idiot I am I was left to deal with these questions without having the time to do the research and find my own answers. I would ask family members and friends what they thought, but none of there answers rang true in my heart.

Enter today. January 23rd 2020. I binge watch an unhealthy amount of Netflix, and today I watched from start to finish Devilman Crybaby (slight spoilers). As I finished it I sat in my room crying. And I kinda didn’t even know why I was crying tbh. It was sad, but I was so emotionally confused, so I looked online for answers. I felt the similar way about the ending of Banana Fish and I found that when you look online sometimes other people feel the same way you do but can actually put it into words. I figured, hey, if it worked with one show it can work for another, right. So I’m scrolling through Reddit, reading people’s comments analyzing the theme of the plot and ending and what not, and I come across one comment that turned my world upside down. You_and_I_in_unison says “the devil/ryo is a stand in for an attempt to justify human life. The end (of the show) is just the final moment of that life, of being above it all, of thinking human life is irrelevant because it’s all meaningless. Then at the end, you’re right, that’s true. And there, as you’re right there is nothing. Nothing to love, nothing to be, nothing to feel, nothing to think. Nothing.” When you die it doesn’t matter, because life is pointless. But its not meaningless, because everything you do, you do with meaning, and emotion, and in life nothing can stop that. What makes life special isn't that God created us, but that we create the world we live. We create our bonds, our lives. For me if I can trust in myself, I can have faith that I don’t need anything after I die, because I can create it all while i’m alive. I’m not saying life is major, or easy, or pretty or that your gonna get your dreams or shit but that your very existence adds emotion and meaning, and that’s all it needs to do. So to answer my original questions, Yes, but it doesn’t matter.

If you read to the end thank you for letting me share my journey.

[ediesundaywrites-blog]

Here I find myself on an absolutely beautiful Sunday afternoon. The sun is shining and all I see out my window are new flower blooms and people walking their dogs. It’s one of those scenes that feels a bit like a movie because it’s so perfect. I want to first say how much I appreciate that I am even able to observe this. But I also want to express the disappointment that comes with not being able to participate in it. There is nothing tangible preventing me from engaging in my life. And some days I do—I really do. But days like today have me asking questions I don’t really want to try to answer. I know that life is hard for all of us at certain points. We’re human and that’s par for the course. But sometimes I wish I could express, properly, to anyone what it feels like to live inside of my mind. It’s not just depression or anxiety and the like. It’s a constant nagging—something deep down inside of me—begging me to examine whether I am really living or if I’m just existing. Am I missing opportunities to feel my aliveness because I’m too busy running from the pain that we all must feel at some point? I used to be able to tell you what my dilemma was. Now I am certain that my dilemma is just myself. It’s my refusal to accept and appreciate all that I have and all that I am. From the outside looking in, I would envy myself. But being inside of myself—all I am ever trying to do is crawl out. I write these words because I know some of you feel this as well. It’s like floating in space. You’re half here and half not. You cherish the moments when you’re fully here because it feels like some sort of transcendence. You’ve momentarily escaped the patterns of thinking that don’t allow you to connect to your life. I’m 28. I never thought about what it would feel like to be 28—the only thing I did think was that things would make more sense by now. By as I learn and grow and my mind expands, things make less sense. I remember being myself five years ago. I thought I had found solid ground and that the search was over. Little did I know I had only found a rescue boat, and that eventually I would be adrift at sea again.

 Let me say that I don’t write any of this with an intention to be or sound negative. I’m really not. I’m curious. I wonder who I am supposed to be. I wonder how I am to arrive there. It’s the wondering that keeps me from the arriving, though.

 Sometimes I get very self-conscious that I’ve been so vulnerable on the internet. Especially after what happened with someone stalking me/humiliating me etc. I almost stopped entirely because I couldn’t risk that feeling again. But at the end of the day I couldn’t, because I want to contribute something of substance to this digital world that we live in. Don’t get me wrong—I don’t disdain the people who say things like “I’m proof that if you work hard enough you’ll be as happy as me!” (even though they started lightyears ahead of anyone else due to various forms of privilege).  I am genuinely happy for those people. Even the ones who didn’t have to lift a finger. I just don’t think that statements like that add anything to the dialogue or any nuance to what it means to be a human being. I think most (I can’t speak for all) read these “motivational” monologues and just feel like shit afterwards. All that it says is “you aren’t doing it right. If you do it like me then you will be happy like me.” (However, about 90% of the population CANNOT do it like you for reasons I am sure you have never considered). That’s hardly ever someone’s intention (making others feel bad), but it’s almost always the outcome. Most millennials are smart enough to logically call bullshit on this kind of… bullshit. But being able to say something is empty and meaningless on a logical level does not mean you believe it on an emotional level. Knowing and believing are different things. I’ve been playing this internet game for six years (I resisted it for a long time) and I have written manifesto after manifesto on how to avoid these traps but I woke up this morning, I felt less than great, and I got on the internet (huge mistake) and what was waiting for me drove me into a deeper hole.

 I want you all to know that I am not immune to this stuff. It makes me question myself the same way it makes you question yourself. And that’s on TOP of all of the other things going on, like what I wrote about earlier in this post and trying to find my purpose in this world, find a job with my PhD which is contingent upon my finishing my dissertation, etc. I think because of Instagram and what not some of you may look at me as different than you. And I just want to break that myth down. I am not different than you. I am exactly the same. I won’t fool you. I won’t post stories of myself having a fantastic time if inside I really feel like shit. I won’t talk about being sad if I am really just looking for attention. I won’t pretend to care about a cause I know nothing about. I am real, and I will remain real no matter how much my human insecurities beg me to portray a very different version of myself than I am. We are all so desperate to be accepted, and we get confused—we mix up our innate desire to feel accepted (which is so completely normal and okay and part of our development) with a need to be idolized and envied. This has always been a problem, but the age of the internet has made it—I think—one of the most important problems we are facing as people. We lose our authenticity, and without that, we can’t evoke any change in this world.

 It’s the same way with art. I bitched about that dilemma on my old blog (which I had to delete because of the cruel individual who decided to try to ruin everything I have worked towards for ten years). So I won’t repeat that. I have had a horribly difficult time creating during the 8 months I’ve been on my residency. I want to so badly. But it’s just not the right time, and accepting that is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. So that’s another promise—I won’t share work that I don’t believe in. I won’t post a photo because I think it fits the mold of what is popular for the current month. So you might not see me post a lot anymore, not the way I used to, and I know one of the consequences of stepping back is becoming irrelevant. And I think I’m okay with that, because I never made art for validation, I made it to make my experiences real and to share that with people who appreciate it.

 Ah, I could go on and on, but I have plans. I am letting them age like a fine wine, both because they should and because I must prove to myself that the reason I do things is not for selfish validation and the creation of an image, but to make a harsh world a softer, more forgiving place.

 You are all so lovely, continue being lovely, the end.

[rilenerocks]

Hi Michael. It’s that time of year again. That time you always hated when I was so, so very hot and sweaty and thus, always had the air conditioning turned down, the overhead fan turned to high and the small floor fan churning away all night long. Like living in a wind tunnel, you’d say. I’m sure you wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that nothing’s changed. I climb into our bed, each night, still on my side, yours untouched, with the dull roar of all my cooling machines as my companions. The thin sheet quivers in the breeze. You’d hate it. I’m physically comfortable and I lie there, thinking. Look at this headline from an article I read this evening.

Scientists Have ‘Woken Up’ Microbes Trapped Under The Seafloor For 100 Million Years

I mean, really? While I was trying to wrap my mind around the impossibility of those numbers and the subsequent life options they revealed, I suddenly hoped that meant we had a chance of reuniting somewhere in this mystifying universe. Certainly our collective and relatively young microbes have just as good a chance at survival as those ancient ones. I’m positive that your microbes are all over our house, our garden and in the few personal items of yours which I’ve stashed away. There might be a few hairs in your brush. I wouldn’t care which version of us we’d be, young or old. Ish.

So then I was thinking about all the tiny details of life I’d normally tell you every day when you were still here in the flesh. I mean, I like your constant cosmic presence, but I usually turn to that with just the most important stuff. I’ve been dying to share with you all these strange little nothing thoughts that cross my mind. Mostly, no one has ever been able to put up with the endless stream of seemingly random, disconnected thoughts that pour out of me. My sister, Cheryl is probably the next best listener after you. As my younger sibling, she was well trained in the absorption of my peculiar brain workings. I’m lucky she’s still here. But there’s just nothing like you for that bottomless reservoir of acceptance which  you provided for me. Isn’t it ironic that we both know you’d be appalled by me releasing all this private information into the faceless universe? I mean, I know some people who read my blog but mostly, they’re strangers. Honestly, except for a few private spaces in myself that defy language, most of the rest is just irrelevant in the long run. What impact do our little quirky selves have? I know you’d disagree but I need to survive now, in my own way. So here are a few random thoughts that beset me as I lie in our bedroom, my favorite space, while my mind wanders in the wee hours after I’m done reading, wishing I could talk to you above the whir of the fan blades spinning around me.

You’re the only person who knew that while I was listening to WLS radio during my pubescent and teen years in Chicago, I wasn’t just a rock and roll/rhythm and blues kid. I also liked gospel, jazz and classical music. I still remember that when you were working at the Record Service, you kept track of my favorites and made sure I always those albums in my stash. And then, you updated them to CD’s so I didn’t have to wear out my vinyl. I’m still listening to lots of different genres every day. I don’t think I could’ve gotten through this bizarre pandemic time without it.

Here’s another weird thing I’ve noticed lately. I don’t watch much television during the day. I turn it on for a few minutes when I get up in the morning, mostly a defensive move to make sure nothing impossibly earth-shattering happened overnight. That’s how things are right now – every day seems to bring a story that’s incomprehensible. Today the story was that after the worst economic quarter ever reported since they started measuring these things, Trump suggested that perhaps we shouldn’t hold an election this fall. This guy will sling any idea that he thinks will get him a second term. As an historian, you just wouldn’t believe how this country has devolved since you’ve been gone. Anyway. When evening rolls around, I’m tired from being outside most of the day. After dinner, I watch the news and then scroll through the tv guide, looking for anything that might distract me, amuse me or otherwise edify me in some way. Lately, I’ve realized that virtually every day, The Godfather, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or Gladiator is playing. Often they’re on at the same time, while other times, they’re staggered. It’s so peculiar. Usually I watch bits of all of them. By the end of the week I’ve seen them in their entirety, albeit out of order. I’ll also pause for Sense and Sensibility, The Princess Bride, Pride and Prejudice or any Errol Flynn movie. Makes me laugh. If you were here, you’d be doing the same thing with The American President, To Have and to Have Not, You’ve Got Mail or The Maltese Falcon. Also Goodfellas, A Bronx Tale, or Stand by Me. I’m working my way through a decent number of tv series that I missed when we were too busy to watch them. But recently, I’m needing revolution. I’ve got “Z” and Battle of Algiers on my DVR. I probably don’t need to get more cranked up than I am these days, but I guess that’s too bad. Watching them anyway. I wonder how any new shows will be made for the fall? Better not go down that rabbit hole. They’re probably not going to happen.  

I want you to know that in your honor, I have loyally kept up with a smaller version of your food garden. Not just the perennial herbs that still marvelously appear and make me feel that it’s you who’s emerging through our rich dirt. That’s kind of absurd because your ashes are sitting in a beautiful box in the house waiting to some day being mingled with mine. Then we can be in the garden together. That aside, I’ve also been diligently planting and nurturing the annual herbs and vegetables, although at the moment, I’m losing the vegetable battle with the squirrels and rabbits. I’ve managed to get about two dozen cherry tomatoes off the vines while I try to ignore the smushed ones on the ground with one bite mark taken before abandonment. All the low-hanging large tomatoes have been filched along with the green peppers. I’m holding out hope for ones that are a little higher on the vines.

I’m really missing your cooking, though. Yesterday, I started ferreting around your recipe folders and dug out the one for pesto which, by the way,  wasn’t labeled. I’m going to make it. I don’t have as much basil as you would plant so I don’t expect to be spooning the mixture into ice cube trays that we could pop out of the freezer for pastas and pizzas. But I’m going to get it done. You really spoiled me. The good news is that I knew it and let you know. So there’s that.

Meanwhile, I’m being really mindful about enjoying every bloom in my flower world. I wait impatiently to make sure that my perennials return and get so happy when they show up. Then I try not to get sad because soon they’ll be gone. That’s something I have to work on – if I’ve learned anything, I know I need to stay in the present. So I’m out there a lot, with the butterflies and the birds, chasing them around with my phone to get good photos that I hope will be comforting in what I expect will be a socially distanced winter.  

Regarding the birds. So far, since spring, there’ve been 50 species in the yard. I don’t know if you’d recall that I started drawing them and filing them in a binder called The Yardbirds. I know you’d get the music reference. Anyway, my renderings are improving. If I practice, I’ll get better. Here are a couple of my recent ones.

I’m really happy that I’ve created a great bird habitat in the yard. I’m learning a lot about their behavior. I love watching the hummingbirds and the house wrens. Tiny, but mighty. I’ve grown fond of catbirds which are showing up regularly at the feeders. They’re perky and curious and pretty brave.

I’ve done something pretty dumb, as getting attached to wild animals doesn’t bode well for a happy emotional outcome. But I’m very fond of the cardinal pair that lives here year-round. After a rousing rescue of one of their fledglings last week, I felt so familial with them that I decided to name the strikingly beautiful female who comes for here daily for a dip in the birdbath. I’m calling her Pumpkin. Now, how absurd is that? I like her boyfriend too.

Another thing I did after a good deal of thought was sell your beloved bike. That was hard for me. I know it was just a thing but you loved it so much. I heard your voice in my head saying, “don’t be ridiculous – it’s just sitting there being wasted. Get yourself some extra cash.” So I did. But I took photos first. All these things I have to do. When I lie in bed in the night, I think about how much easier it is to share the loads of life. I miss that a lot although I’m glad I have what it takes to manage on my own. I think back to my mom after my dad died. By the time she was my age, she’d been dependent on me for almost 5 years. Makes me shudder.

How could I not tell you this most important thing? Our daughter, who went from working remotely to having to appear in person in a closed courtroom, found out the other day that a court clerk had tested positive for Covid19. She was asked to leave her office, get tested and do another 14 day quarantine. Then the judge in charge pf hearing her cases tested positive as well. Ugh. That meant that all the rest of our little family bubble had to be tested too. So far, she and our son got negative results. Our son-in-law, both grandsons and I await our results. I hope we’re all negative and can resume our little intimate enclave. The months ahead look daunting to me. The virus is traversing the country at will with no definitive treatments or vaccines. I dread flu season adding to the complexity of everything. Feels positively medieval.

  In other news, I got an email from the park district informing us that the indoor pool was reopening immediately. The list of precautions and requirements is very long and detailed. I read it carefully while keenly aware of my longing to get back to swimming. In the end, I’ve decided against it. I just don’t think being in an indoor facility shared with high school students can be safe enough for someone like me, a member of what I call the “death group.” So I’ll just have to know that a block and a half from our house, people will be paddling away while I won’t. This adult decision-making of risk vs. reward is overrated.

In other news, I actually wish I was more like my mom in her widowhood. She used to talk a lot about how all she wished she could do was hold my dad’s hand one more time. Lucky her. I remain deeply interested in resuming our intimate life for another 30 years or so. I hope if this reaches you, you’ll be glad to know that some of our best things are strong enough to survive death.

So that’s all for tonight. By the way, I thought you should know that I just restlessly flipped on the television. There is Gladiator in the midst of the re-creation of the battle of Carthage. Round and round it goes, my dearest boy. Until next time.

A Message from the Wind Tunnel Hi Michael. It’s that time of year again. That time you always hated when I was so, so very hot and sweaty and thus, always had the air conditioning turned down, the overhead fan turned to high and the small floor fan churning away all night long.

[hmhteen]

HMH Teen Teaser: HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake!

It’s finally here! HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake publishes today, and it is the book you have been wishing for for years. (Pun 100% intended.) When Grace’s fun-loving but emotionally immature mom uproots Grace’s life (again), she winds up living in her mom’s boyfriends house, right across the hall from his son—her ex-boyfriend. And things did not end well between them. She’s prepared to spend her summer moping and planning her great escape to Manhattan to study music, when she meets Eva. And suddenly she doesn’t want to escape her life, but live it as fully as possible, with the girl she’s falling for. 

Now you can read an excerpt of this emotional, poignant novel about first love and loving by letting go, right below!

CHAPTER ONE

She waits until we’re driving over the bridge to tell me. This is a strategic move. Wait until your temperamental daughter is suspended over the Atlantic Ocean to drop the bomb, thereby decreasing the chance that she’ll fling open the car door and hurl herself over the edge.

       My mother is many things. Beautiful. Annoyingly affectionate after a few drinks and mean as a starving snake after several. Quick-witted and hilarious when her latest boyfriend isn’t turning her into some sycophantic sorority girl. But a fool?

       No.

       My mother is no fool.

       She swerves to pass a car that’s already going at least ten over the speed limit. The ocean, a dark sapphire blue, swings out of my vision and back in. I grip the handle above the window, shifting my gaze over to Mom to make sure her I forgot this silly thing again seat belt is securely fastened.

       “What did you say?” I ask. Because I must have misheard her. Surely, my subconscious anticipated returning home to some catastrophe after leaving Mom on her own for the past two weeks, and it conjured up something totally absurd to lessen the blow.

       “Grace, don’t make a big deal out of this. It’s just an address,” Mom says, and I bite back a bitter laugh. She loves that word. Just. Everything is just. It’s just one drink, Grace. A birthday is just a day, Grace. It’s just sex, Grace. My entire life is one gigantic just.

       Well, I’m just about to go ape shit if you’re serious, Mom.

       How’s that for a freaking just?

       She steers with her knee for a few terrifying seconds while she digs a cigarette out of her purse and sparks it up. She blows out a silver stream of smoke through the open window, and I watch her fingers. Long and elegant, her short nails perfectly manicured and glossed eggplant purple, like always. She used to press our fingers together, kissing the joined tips and making a silly wish on each one. I would measure my hand against hers, eagerly waiting for the day when mine was the same size. I thought that the older I got, the older she would get and the less I’d have to worry about her.

       “Pete’s place is really nice,” Mom says. “It’s so unique. Wait till you see it.”

       “Pete. Who the hell’s Pete?”

       She glances at me and frowns, flicking ash out the window as we exit the bridge and drive onto the road that leads into town. “I started seeing him before you left for Boston. I told you about him, right? I’m sure I .º.º.” She trails off, like not being able to finish a sentence automatically releases her from any obligations.

       “You’re serious, aren’t you?” I ask, struggling to keep my voice even.

       She laughs. “Of course, baby. This is a good thing. Our lease was up and that dickhead of a landlord wouldn’t renew it because he claimed I still owed him three months’ rent for that dump he called a beach house. And things with Pete were going so well. He’d just moved and needed a woman’s touch.” She giggles and snicks the cigarette butt out the window. “That’s what he said. A woman’s touch. Such a gentleman.”

       Oh Jesus. I recognize that tone, that girly giggle, that glassy look in her eyes. I can almost mouth the next words along with her, reciting the lines of a painfully familiar play. I’ve been off-book for this shit show for a long time.

       Cue Mom’s dreamy sigh.

       Three .º.º. two .º.º. one .º.º.

       “He might be the one, baby.”

       My fingers curl into fists on my bare legs, leaving red nail marks along my skin. When I left a couple weeks ago, I swear to hell Mom didn’t have a boyfriend. I would’ve remembered. I always remember, because half the time, I’m the one who reminds her of the asshole-of-the-month’s name. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch, but I really thought she’d run out of options.

       Cape Katherine—Cape Katie to locals—is a tiny spit of land jutting into the Atlantic with about three thousand residents, a quaint downtown with lots of local shops and restaurants, and an ancient lighthouse on the north end that’s still maintained by a real-life lighthouse keeper. We moved here when I was three, and in the fourteen years since, I’ve lost count of how many guys Mom has “dated.”

       And the whole lot of them has had the honor of being The One for about ten minutes.

       Mom turns onto Cape Katherine Road. The Atlantic rises up on our left, flanked by rocks and gravelly beach. Early afternoon sun spills coppery sparkles on its surface, and I take a few deep breaths. I’d like nothing better than to jump ship, streak down the beach, and throw myself under its waves, letting it roll over me. Let it have me for a few minutes, curling my body this way and that, transforming me into something free and weightless.

       But I can’t do that.

       For one, it’s cold as hell this early in the summer.

       And whatever knot my mother’s woven herself into with He-Might-Be-The-One-Pete, I’m the only one here to untangle it.

       “Okay,” I say, pushing my hair out of my face. “Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. In the twelve days since I’ve been in Boston, you moved everything we own into a new house I’ve never seen to live with some guy I’ve never met?”

       “Oh, for god’s sake. You make it sound like I’m dragging you into some disease-ridden jungle or something. I’m telling you, you will love Pete’s house.”

       I don’t really give two shits about Pete’s house.

       I’m more concerned about Pete.

       Mom flips on the radio while I try to decide if I want to vomit, scream, or cry. I think it’s some awful combination of all three.

       “Mom, can we please talk about—”

       “Oh, baby, hang on.” She turns up the volume on Cape Katie’s one and only radio show, hosted by Cape Katie’s one and only radio host, Bethany Butler. It’s on every morning and evening, and people call in and tell Bethany sob stories about their missing cat or how their coffee burned their taste buds off or something equally inane and irrelevant. Mom freaking loves it. She’s a total sucker for anything potentially tragic and unrelated to her own life.

       “You heard it here first, Cape Katians, so keep an eye out for Penny. She was last seen on East Beach .º.º.”

       “Who the hell is Penny?” I ask.

       “The Taylor family’s corgi!” Mom says, a hand pressed to her heart. “She got loose from Tamara while she was walking her on the beach, poor thing.”

       “.º.º. And remember, Penny is very skittish around men with red hair and—”

       I flip off the radio. “Seriously, Mom? A corgi?”

       “It’s sad, that’s all I’m saying. They’ve had her for a decade. She’s older than Tamara.”

       “Yeah, cry me an effing river,” I mutter, looking out the window, the familiar sights of my town flashing past me in a blue-and-gray blur. “So do we still live on the cape, or are you just swinging by our old place for one last haul?”

       “Of course we live here, baby. Do you really think I’d take you away from your school and all your friends right before your senior year?”

       I choke down a derisive laugh. I’m not sure which is funnier: her comment about all my friends or the fact that my brain can’t possibly conjure up half the crap in my life that comes from being Maggie Glasser’s daughter. I would never think any of it. But it all seems to happen anyway.

CHAPTER TWO

Ten minutes later, Mom pulls into a familiar gravel driveway. It’s one I’ve seen a million times before. As kids, my best friend, Luca, and I used to fly over this winding, rocky path on our bikes until the trees split and revealed a little sliver of adventure right there at the edge of the world.

       “Mom, what are we doing here?” But she just grins as she throws the car in park and opens her door. “Mom.”

       “Stop being such a stick in the mud, Gracie. Come on.”

       She climbs out and I follow, craning my neck up, up, up to the top of Cape Katie’s whitewashed lighthouse. A red-roofed bungalow sits below it, tucked into its side like a little secret.

       Mom comes to my side and slides her arm around my shoulder. The wind tangles her dirty blond hair.

       “This is going to be so great,” she says.

       “What is going to be so great?”

       She giggles and gives my arm one more squeeze before practically skipping up the drive toward the house. I gulp briny air, willing the crashing ocean to swallow me whole.

       I shoulder my duffle and follow her to a small detached garage next to the side entrance to the house. The yawning door reveals stacks of open cardboard boxes, some of the contents draped over the sides. Glass beads, scraps of metal, and a soldering iron from Mom’s handcrafted jewelry business are spread over a large plastic table. I spot a pair of my sleep shorts—black with neon pink skulls—puddled on the dirty cement floor, along with a few piano books.

       “I’ve done a bit, but we still have a lot of unpacking to do, baby,” Mom says, heaving a box overflowing with our decade-old towels into her arms. She chin-nods toward another box, but I fold my arms.

       “Are you for real? Mom, the last I heard, the lighthouse keeper was about a hundred and ten years old. Please tell me you’re not shacking up with Freddie Iker. His best friend is his parakeet.”

       She breaks into laughter, dropping the box in the process. Her tank top strap slides off her shoulder as she guffaws, really throwing all she’s got into it. My mother’s laugh has always been infectious, clear, and light. I hate to crack even a hint of a smile at the stuff my mother finds funny, but most of the time I can’t help it.

       “Good lord. I’m not that old.” She pulls her hair into a sloppy bun on top of her head and picks up the box again. “Or that desperate.”

       My smile morphs into a massive eye roll. Over the years, Mom’s traipsed guys as young as twenty-one and as old as fifty-four through our many homes, so I’m not sure how to even begin to respond to that one.

       “Freddie retired and Pete took over last week. He’s got an electrical background and has some really innovative ideas for the museum. He even wants to incorporate some of my jewelry in time for next tourist season. Isn’t that something?”

       “It sure is.” I grab my sleep shorts and music books from the floor and tuck them under my arm. Not sure which is better. An old geezer who can’t even get it up or some starry-eyed electrician with ideas. Ideas are dangerous around my mother.

       I shade my eyes from the sun hanging just over the tree line and take in my surroundings. My new home. An SUV with peeling black paint on the hood is parked on the other side of the garage. It looks vaguely familiar, but considering there are dozens of these kinds of cars on the cape, that’s not too surprising.

       “Pete’s at some budget meeting in town, but I think Julian’s home,” Mom says, heading toward the main house. She sticks a key in the side door, and the hinges squeak as she nudges it open with her hip. Cool air rushes out to meet me.

       “Julian?”

       “Pete’s son. He’s a nice boy. I think he’s about your age.”

       And with that, she disappears into the house, leaving me open-mouthed in the doorway. This just keeps getting better and better. What’s next? Sharing a room with Pete’s mother? Maybe a lunatic ex-wife is bunking in the lighthouse tower who screams like a banshee at night and has to be chained to her bed. Hell, at this point, I’m waiting for Mom to tell me Pete’s actually a polygamist and she’s been chosen as a sister wife. I comb through the roster of my high school for a Julian, but I’ve got nothing.

       I follow Mom into a shabby-chic-styled kitchen with chrome-rimmed white appliances, white cabinets, and navy blue curtains with red lobsters all over them framing the window above the sink. The living room is a mixture of our old leather recliner and scarred coffee table and a bunch of junk that looks like it just got dragged out of a frat house. There’s a plaid couch sporting a busted spring and duct tape, along with a TV the size of a car mounted over the fireplace. The only redeeming thing about the whole weird scene is the wall of windows revealing the sprawling blue ocean sparkling under the sun.

       We head down a narrow hallway. At the end, Mom opens a door next to the bathroom and gestures me inside with a flourish of her hand.

       “This is you. Isn’t it nice? So much natural light.”

       I enter the room, and it’s like walking into one of those dreams where everything seems familiar and foreign all at once. The space is square and small and white. My twin bed is shoved into the far corner under the wide window that’s also facing the ocean. White furniture, mine since I was four, is arranged smartly around the room. Mom has already spread my plum-colored sateen comforter that she found for half-price over the bed and filled my closet with my hanging clothes. The few books I own are stacked neatly on my little desk, and framed photos are displayed on the dresser. Sheer white curtains sway in the breeze from the open window. My eyes drift to the wall above my bed, taking in the framed print of a beautiful grand piano on the stage at Carnegie Hall, an empty auditorium lit by golden light and waiting to be filled with an audience, a pianist, music. Luca gave it to me for my birthday two years ago. Mom’s actually managed to hang it straight, no cracks in the glass or chips in the black wooden frame or anything.

       Aside from the stray things in the garage, Mom has worked on my room. My eyes burn a little, imagining her organizing my space before she even unpacked her own things.

       “So, Pete’s and my room is at the other end of the house, and Julian’s just across the hall,” she says. She peers anxiously at me, no doubt searching for signs of an impending explosion.

       And, oh, do I feel it brewing. Despite the homey feel, this is still a room I didn’t choose and never planned for. My throat feels tight from holding back all the eff-bombs I want to drop right now. Not that I usually rein them in too much in Mom’s presence, but she looks so damn hopeful. She’s trying really hard to make this a good thing.

       “Okay,” I say, as usual.

       “It’s going to be so lovely, baby,” she says. “I mean, it’s the lighthouse! I know you love this place and have always wanted to live right on the beach.”

       I nod, looking out my window at the rocks dotting the shore, angry waves spitting white foam all over their surfaces. She’s right. I used to love this lighthouse. It always seemed so magical when I was six or seven, but you can only hold your own mother’s hair back while she pukes up vodka so many times before you get a little disenchanted.

       “Oh!” Mom says so loudly, I startle. “With the move, I almost forgot.” She grins at me and digs into her back pocket, retrieving a folded rectangle of paper. She opens it up, her smile growing wider as she holds it out to me. “This is for you.”

       I take the wrinkled paper, almost scared to look at it. Because what now? As usual, when it comes to my mother, curiosity and hope nearly smother me. My eyes devour the writing.

       When the content registers, my head snaps up, gaze locking with Mom’s. “For real?”

       She nods. “For your audition. We can drive there pretty cheap and stay at that hostel, tour the Big Apple during the day, eat off the street carts. We need to plan ahead if we want show tickets. I’ve picked up a few shifts at Reinhardt’s Deli, and with some help from Pete, I’m saving a little. You need to do more than audition when you go, baby. You need to see where you’ll be living next year, and I want to be part of that. I’m so proud of you.”

       I stare back down at the paper, which tells me there are two beds at a New York City hostel reserved under Mom’s name for July thirtieth through August second. Underneath that is Mom’s chicken-scratch handwriting, listing all the things we’ve always talked about doing in the city. It’s got the usual stuff, like visiting the Empire State Building and Times Square, Central Park and Ellis Island. But it’s also got the Grace stuff—auditioning and touring Manhattan School of Music. Seeing Hedwig on Broadway. Finding a way to get a backstage tour of Carnegie Hall and standing on the stage, maybe even sliding my fingers over one of their piano’s keys.

       “Thank you,” I manage to whisper. Part of me knows she timed telling me about this trip to perfectly coincide with this move to the lighthouse, a little peace offering. The bigger part of me doesn’t care.

       “Of course, baby. It’ll be the perfect weekend. Just wait.” She pulls me into her arms, crushing the already-crinkled paper between us, and presses a kiss to my forehead.

       “Well, I know you’re tired from your bus ride,” she says, releasing me. “Get settled in. You can meet Julian later and .º.º.” Mom must see all the roiling emotions mirrored on my face, because she pats my shoulder and is out the door without finishing her sentence.

       I drop my stuff and sink onto the bed, finally overwhelmed. To clear my head, I close my eyes and mentally go through the beginning of Schumann’s Fantasie in C major, Opus 17. The piece plagued me at the piano workshop I just completed in Boston, the complicated, rapid fingering and the ethereal, dreamlike quality of a first movement a pleasing sort of torture. The music is pretty kickass, all chaotic and angsty. And it kicked my ass, which I have to appreciate.

       Now I play it on my bed. I imagine myself on an auditorium stage or in a practice room at some college. Manhattan School of Music. Indiana University. Belmont in Nashville. Though Manhattan is my white whale, my dream, and the thought of going far away and staying in dorms that I can actually live in for longer than three months makes me giddy, it also freaks me the hell out. I can’t imagine actually moving away. Leaving Mom alone to flit from one house to the next, one guy to the next, one skipped meal to the next bottle of beer.

       My fingers fly over the wrinkled comforter, the music alive and real in my mind. Nerves coil in my stomach—but whether from auditioning and laying my whole future on the piano keys in front of a few judges or leaving Mom, I’m not sure. Either way, I keep pressing into the soft cotton until my left hand collides with a box. My eyes flick open and absorb the room again.

       My room.

       I unzip my duffle and dump its contents onto the bed, sorting through dirty clothes and the ones clean enough to wear again, even though they smell like the inside of my bag. I rearrange a few things around the room, moving my composition paper from desk to my nightstand—when I can’t sleep, I make up dumb little songs in bed—and find a picture of Luca and me that Mom had tossed on a shelf in the closet and place it on my dresser. Luca looks predictably happy, grinning through his curly mop of hair with his arm slung around my shoulder at the beach last summer.

       Halfheartedly, I order my little universe. No matter how many times I tell myself it doesn’t matter—that I’ll have to pack it all up in a matter of months anyway—I can’t resist trying to make a place my own. This lighthouse that I used to love and now suddenly hate is no exception.

       I grab my toiletry bag and venture into the hallway to check out the bathroom. It’s clean, a claw-footed tub with one of those wrap-around shower curtains sits against the wall under a frosted-paned window. The tiled sink is cobalt blue, and an antique-looking light fixture sends an amber glow through the room. It smells like wet towel mixed in with some crisp, boyish scent. Aftershave, maybe. A navy blue toothbrush sits in a holder by the sink. I throw mine into an empty drawer. Call me unreasonable, but sharing toothbrush space with a guy I’ve never met just seems weird.

       I unpack my face wash and deodorant and then stuff my empty bag under the vanity before flicking off the light. As I enter the hallway, the door to my left swings open and my eyes dart over.

       I swallow a few colorful words and press my back against the wall.

       He’s tall. I mean, of course, I knew he was, but he looks gigantic in the tiny hallway. Intentionally messy light brown hair. Hair I used to yank to get his lips back on mine whenever he started sucking on my neck too hard.

       “Oh my god,” I choke out. “What are you .º.º. How did you .º.º. Why are you .º.º. ?” I swallow, trying to get my breath back as his mouth—a mouth I know way too damn well—bends into a smirk. It pisses me off to no end.

       “What the hell are you doing here?” I finally spit out.

       Jay Lanier pops his hands up on the door frame and leans toward me. Leather cuffs circle each wrist, and ropy muscles in his forearms ripple with tension. His smirk morphs into something so self-indulgent that I wish I had long fingernails so I could claw it right off his face. His gaze trails up my body, pausing at every possible spot that I never planned on letting Jay Lanier glimpse ever again, even through a tank top and shorts. I glare at him, but my hands are trembling and my stomach heaves, my mouth watery.

       He laughs softly—demonically, if you ask me—and leans closer.

       “Did I ever tell you that Jay is my nickname?”

       My mouth drops open.

       He smiles, a maddeningly slow spread of his mouth like the fucking Grinch. “No. I don’t think I did.”

       I try to conjure some insult, anything to put me on equal ground here, but only incoherent combinations of four-letter words come to mind.

       “Welcome home, Grace,” he says.

       And then he slams the door in my face.

We are so excited for you to read HOW TO MAKE A WISH! If you liked this excerpt, click the links below to purchase the full book.

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[luirlar]

‘Razgovor’ is very, very dear to my heart. The number is the cutest, it’s pretty much a Shaw-centric episodes with flashbacks to her cute-ass 8 year old self, we see a big bad being bigger and badder, Joss Carter continues to be a boss ass bitch, and the ending is very promising. An A+ episode to make up for the blegh-ness that was the last one.

I have watched the whole show before, so SPOILERS MIGHT HAPPEN. Big spoilers will be blanked out but references and irrelevant spoilers are going to be out in the open.

We start off at the tail end of a previous case again. This time, Shaw saves a paramedic’s life and leaves before he says thank you. Harold is concerned about her bedside manner. LOL Harry, no one cares.

We then jump to Carter’s side project, which has been to follow and investigate HR. She hears Simmons talk about a big meeting between the Russians and the boss of HR, who we know is Quinn, but she doesn’t. And then she sees someone sneaking up on her. It’s John. Carter: John, one of these days, I’m just gonna shoot you. John: I get that a lot.

John was following her following HR, and has known about her side project for a while now. He asks if she needs help, she says not yet, and they have a beer. This might seem small, but the writers could have played that as a big reveal/surprise that John was completely unaware of (which would be unlikely in my opinion, and too much work), or a condescending (and hypocritical as hell) moment of John telling Joss not to do it, or whatever, but they did not. John trusts Carter, and he is there for her. The number of the week is that of Genrika Zhirova, an 8yo immigrant who lives with her cousin after her mom was arrested and her grandpa died, and who is training to be an international spy. Some people are trying to kidnap and kill her, and Shaw is not as kind and bubbly or whatever as Harold would like. He doesn’t trust her yet and I get that, but also, she’s done this kind of work before, Harold, and she doesn’t need to be perky to do it well. Chill the fuck down.

[1993] There is a bad car crash, with a dead father and a scared child in the backseat. The firefighter asks for her name. Sameen. She asks about her dad. “Hang on, kiddo. I’m coming to you”, the dude says.

Sameen and Gen need to hide out and wait for John, and Gen, spy that she is, is trying to get intel on Shaw and what she does. She’s pretty good. Shaw tells her she doesn’t know what they do exactly, and honestly, she’s mostly in it for the dog.

Gen takes Shaw to her listening station, where we learn she has a bunch of apartments wire-tapped, which may be why the Russians are after her. They bond over being spies, and Gen asks Sameen why is she “like this” (as in, not flinching, acting very stoic, not being too good with emotions). Shaw: You know that thing that made you flinch? I don’t get that. Gen: You don’t get scared? Shaw: Or sad. Or happy, or lonely. I do angry okay, but that’s about it.  She tells Gen it’s been that way as long as she can remember, and that she was about Gen’s age when she realized there was something different about her.

I dig that they brought up Shaw’s ASPD again. From her intro episode alone, we had no way of knowing if that was just a comment she made, or a thing the writers were going to play as “ha ha she is quirky and rude” trash. But here, a bunch of episodes later, she gets the chance to explain some of it herself, and we get some flashbacks. So I like it because they fleshed her out a bit more in this regard, but also that they didn’t make her personality disorder the central thing about her, because they let us know her in other ways first too. That said I don’t have ASPD so, maybe this is terrible to y’all in ways I don’t see at all. If you feel like commenting, I would love to know your thoughts.

The Russians poison the air where Shaw and Gen are so they need to run, and cover their mouths in the meantime. So Sameen rips her fucking sleeves off. Now, a shittier show would have taken this opportunity to do some fan service, by having her take her shirt off or something. But no! Instead they took the chance to make her more baddass, and did a different kind of fan service, a much more gay one, in my opinion. The bad guys still capture Gen, though, and shoot Shaw in the shoulder.

[1993] The firefighter chats with Sameen. She tells him that his dad is military so they move around a lot. (And Shaw recognized Gen’s number as a temporary immigrant one, possibly foreshadowing the later reveal that her mom was an immigrant or refugee. Ya learn somethin’ new every day.)

Shaw knocks out the guy who tried to kidnap her, and puts some construction tape over her wound (does this actually serve any purpose other than looking unexpectedly hot??). Harold asks her to please go to a doctor, that they’ll handle the case. She thinks she is being punished for not protecting Gen well enough. My heart is melting and oozing out of my body as I type.

Shaw does angry okay, indeed. She figures Gen’s cousin had something to do with her kidnapping, so she goes and questions him, and then shoots him in the knee. She is bleeding and ready to fight and I’m extremely turned on right now.

Here is a small collage of Shaw being hot in this episode (You’re welcome.):

Thanks to Gen’s tapes, and John tracking one of the kidnappers, they realize it was HR who took Gen, with the help of the Russians. They are making and dealing drugs, and Gen had proof.

[1993] The firefighter is terrible at giving children bad news. He says some bullshit about people falling asleep and not waking up, and so Sameen asks if what he means is that her dad is dead. The dude confirms, and she takes in the info, realizes she is hungry, and asks for a sandwich. He looks mildly horrified, like he’s never been made aware that different people have different responses to death, and different emotional ranges. He then tells his firefighter buddies how there must be something wrong with her, within earshot of her. What a tool.

(Quick moment to appreciate another classic Reese stunt: they’re interrogating one of the kidnappers, who has a tremor, and he puts some liquid balancing on his hand, telling him it’s highly unstable. After getting what he needs, John leaves the guy there, with the unstable liquid. Except, it’s actually just corn syrup. I live for this shit where John just trolls the bad guys, I swear. )

Shaw continues to be ready to kill everyone, and she tracks down Yogorov. He doesn’t know all that much. Because “cops might kill a kid, my people have standards”. That’s real, ’cause #ACAB #fuckthepolice etc. Side note, Yogorov is kind of hot? Like, I wouldn’t kick him outta bed.

But Shaw is way hotter, asking him all these medical questions that make no sense except if she wanted to… Yup! She is gonna plug herself in and get a blood transfusion from Yogorov, right then and there. She also gets Simmons on the phone, and asks for Gen. Shaw: Hang on, kiddo. I’m coming for you.

Shaw demands Harold to give her the tapes, unless he has a better idea. Which he does.

On another end of things, Laskey asks Carter if they can talk about a problem he is having, in private. He asks about her secret meetings and secret friends, and she calls him out on being a mole for HR. That’s right! Y’all think the queen of my heart didn’t know? Psht. And before Laskey’s dirty cop friend can shoot her, she shoots his ass dead. With Laskey’s illegal New Jersey gun, no less.

I’m so gay.

Carter: You don’t work for HR anymore, son. You work for me now. Oooooh shit. You thought you were in charge, sweet summer child? (Boss Ass Bitch plays in the background. As usual.) Back to the case, Harold has a better idea than to trade Gen for the tapes incriminating HR. Carter and John gave Laskey bad intel, driving Simmons and most of the troops away from the girl, thinking they were going to ambush the Man in the Suit, and get the tapes. Instead, Harold keeps the tapes, and John kneecaps most cops until the only one left is Simmons. They both drop the guns and fist-fight, which I don’t understand the point of, besides weird masculinity rituals. And maybe to showcase to us that Simmons can hold his own, indirectly signaling (with this, and his willingness to kill a little girl) that he is a much worthier, scarier opponent than we thought? Meanwhile, Shaw, ready to shoot everyone, gets to shoot a couple people at the drug lab where Gen is. And she rescues her! #SpyGirlSolidarity And then Harold and Sameen blow up their lab, ’cause, y’know, they were in the neighborhood.

Shaw takes Gen to a new fancy school, and Gen gives Shaw a badge that belonged to her grandpa. Gen: I know it won’t mean much to you, but it will mean a lot to me that you have it. Shaw: I’m just not wired for this kind of stuff, kid. Gen: I know. I figured you out. It’s not that you don’t have feelings. It’s just like, the volume’s turned way down. Like the sound on an old tape. 

I am dying. I am dead. I just… I’m dead now. And I want to hug both of them super tight and never let go. I want to adopt both Bear and Gen and move into a big house with my wife and my children. Anyhoo… Ooof. That was a good episode, eh? But wait. We’re not done here. We go take a look at Shaw’s bedroom that night. Gen’s gift is on her nightstand. She is so beautiful, so precious. But that’s not the point. She opens her eyes and sees… Root! Looking at Shaw sleep! Like the creepy-ass lesbian that she is.

“Did you miss me?

Heck yes, we did. And we are ready. So ready.

Today I (re)watch: Person of Interest, 3.05 'Razgovor' is very, very dear to my heart. The number is the cutest, it's pretty much a Shaw-centric episodes with flashbacks to her cute-ass 8 year old self, we see a big bad being bigger and badder, Joss Carter continues to be a boss ass bitch, and the ending is very promising.

[notthatiknowof]

Whats up

So I haven’t really made a long post on this account in a while and it’s because my life has been going really well!! And I haven’t had any emotional things to really let out but I realized something today. I realized that I feel really alone… like probably the most alone I’ve ever felt. It’s just because everyone is busy with their lives and I don’t really have anyone in my life who actively wants to be apart of my everyday life. I go majority of my weeks not talking to anyone other than my family and the only time I get to talk to people for long amounts of time is at work. I just miss being able to talk to the people that I enjoy being with like all the time. Also my dad moved basically an hour away and it was hard for me to ever feel lonely bc if I did feel lonely I would just go to his house and we would hang out like friends. I’ve been trying to figure out time for me to go visit his house but I’m always busy with school and work that I don’t even know the next time I’m going to see him. Idk I just feel really alone. Like I know I have people that care for me and stuff but I just feel alone!! Idk how to explain it. I don’t necessarily get sad over it unless I reallyyy think about it but I just hate feeling this way. And I don’t want to reach out to anyone because they all have their lives and other people that they are busy with so I would just be irrelevant. I mean I guess this is good because I’m on top of my school work and everything but that’s it. I finish my homework pretty early now so I have a lot of time to just be by myself again and honestly, it just sucks. I miss everyone, I miss having friends that I could talk to all the time. I just miss having good parts of my days because of the people I’m with because now the good parts is if I don’t hit any traffic to and from school. Imig Im sad…idk what I’m feeling.

[pleasedontbelame]

Table for two: Café

And so castles made of sand slips into the sea … eventually.

Jimi Hendrix

My turn to pick the place. One of the reasons I’m working in Australia is because I must pay for my daily coffee and I cannot escape the desire for café-crawling. There’s something enigmatic around it. Each place has a different vibe, atmosphere, customers, brightness, view, tables, coffee beans, machines, baristas, aromas, sounds, cups, colours, smiles, music. During the last year I’ve been walking around searching for ‘that’ place where I feel content and inspired and gratified. Every tiny aspect should work in perfect balance. I don’t mind walking time-consuming distances or taking a bus to reach some distant café. The trip becomes as important as the destination. One of my favourites places is down in Burleigh Heads: Canteen Coffee. Although the service is not the best, the stuff often seem sad or depressed or going through some family lost, I find a thrilling atmosphere blowing over there. All the tables are breathing outside. Alive. Inviting me to stay another ten minutes. Ten more minutes that might become a couple more hours. The coffee beans are erotic. The croissants greasy, airy with the perfect aftertaste. One is never enough.

*

Matteo has been in Japan for the last three weeks. I remembered his enthusiasm for the trip. He was longing for that particular magic he could only find there. Food, street markets, beautiful women and the richness of a mystic land. Back in the restaurant, some rumours are flying. One of the things I hate most in working environments: everyone seems to know everything and privacy is not part of the dictionary. Makes my nerves collapse. The pasta machines are murmuring that the big boss is not completely pleased with Matteo. Probably because he has feelings and emotions and a warm soul and he’s a full time human being. For a money-printing kitchen, Matteo is the black sheep. The derailed one. The Che Guevara. The big boss doesn’t need revolutionaries on his cooking lines. He just needs cooks. Simple. I let the rumours burn out …

I know Matteo is back from Tokyo but I’ve had some days off from work. Assignments are consuming and devouring my existence. One Thursday night I’m back on shift and Matteo isn’t there. Unusual because he used to just have Mondays and Tuesdays off. Fucking rumours. Trying my best to act cool and not intrigued by his absence, I’m not planning on asking the big boss because it wouldn’t be the best idea ever. Others chefs don’t know about him. Later I realise they just didn’t want to tell me. First thing after I finish I text my Sous Chef.

All good my friend? I didn’t see you tonight …

Hello Pablo, did you guys miss me? My role has been terminated today …

I knew something strange was going on. How do you feel?

I feel great!!! It’s all meant to be. A great chance to find something awesome.

This place isn’t for you my friend. We both knew it.

That’s right, but I was meant to be there to create a friendship with you.

A new unexpected chapter for Matteo, and for me. I force him to meet up Sunday. Canteen Coffee.

‘Is it OK if I bring my little daughter Sophia?’ Matteo asks that morning.

I know I’m not the best in creating a bond with kids. I find it challenging and hard. Maybe because I’m not used to have kids around, I guess it’s a matter of expertise. But at the same time, I know we are born with that faculty. Some of us just struggle with those situations where we have to connect with younger souls. Some might say it’s easy. For me ‘easy’ is to sum one plus one. I text him back -No problem at all my friend. Beautiful.- He was going to pick me up at the same place as last time. I was late. He was late. We were late.

*

Sophia sitting in the back seat. Shy and lovely. Matteo encouraging her to talk to me, alternating English and Italian. Superb. She didn’t even dare to look at me. Her dad tells me she needs time to gain confidence, but once she feels comfortable, she won’t stop trying to get my attention. I’ve been warned. Warm winter day. Dazzling sun. No humidity. Some opaque clouds painted on the horizon. Without asking for permission, I plug in my ipod and play Albert King. Pure blues in its natural state. Makes me want to share one of my inner dreams with Matteo. Rapt by the horizon I let it out how I’d love to run my own café. A small and hidden one. High quality coffee beans. A hypnotising and sensual coffee machine. Endless hours of vinyls’ sessions. Connecting with customers and listening to stories. My whole reflection in just one limited space. Modest dream. Matteo grins and suggests we should have that place together. Albert King sets the tempo and the mood as we arrive in Burleigh. We drop the car in the first empty space we find. Sophia marking the swiftness of our walk. A strange couple passes by and admires – out loud – her beauty. Matteo dies with pride. Dodging streets we turn left into a peaceful alley. Suddenly we are at the café. Matteo’s impressed and gives me a hug from the side.

One cappuccino for the Sous Chef. One apple juice, toast and butter for Sophia. One mocha for me. We sit down at a refurbished small table that looks like a huge coffer. Sophia takes out her art-kit and begins to draw a psychedelic purple and red sun. We’re talking about past loves. Maybe not the best timing, but we don’t care.

‘Her name was Anna, she was Polish and she was a total …’ Matteo stares at Sophia but she’s deeply submerged in her art. He gets closer to me and finishes his sentence in the lowest pitch possible. ‘She was a total bitch!’

I remember he once told me about the existence of a Polish love. Matteo is the master of loving cultural exchanges. I burn the tip of my tongue with the first sip. ‘Mierda!’ I yell. Matteo smiles while evenly spreading butter on the toast. They met while both were living in Rome and he was dating someone else –irrelevant. An intense year of love and pure Polish coldness. Didn’t work out.

‘She was playing with my feelings, with my mind!’ I can sense some traces of ire in his tone. A sense of incompleteness. Wondering what would have happened. Those ‘if’ questions that once in a while invade our minds and that we have to mute. He shows me her Facebook profile picture. Stunning. Pale features. Radiant brunette with angelic crystal eyes and tender lips. Not difficult to fall in love with. He scrolls until he finds a lovely black and white picture of her and he neatly drops ‘I took this photo.’

Back in Torino, a long time after they broke up, Matteo received a phone call from his Polish love. Speaking in perfect Italian with an untraceable accent. He was paralysed.

‘She didn’t use to speak so well.’ He says gazing at a family walking past our table. Anna told him that she was going to spend one night in Torino and was wondering if they could meet. Matteo answered without hesitation, yes. She paid for a hotel. Stylish. Chic. Room service.

‘It was a flawless night and after that I didn’t see her again. I know she’s married and has a child. That’s all.’ He sighs and gives me the impression he feels some sort of relief. I think we always desired a perfect ending for our relationships. That last night where both know is going to be the end. Where we can close that mental box and move on without hurting each other. Matteo had that last perfect Polish encounter.

I’ve never seen Matteo so cheerful. A new radiant shiny aura. That kitchen at Cucina Vivo was his burden and now he has gained independence. Sometimes uncertainty can be dangerous but erogenous and tempting. It’s not easy to cope with freedom. It’s not easy to write a new chapter, but we have to. We have to learn how to write our own book. Now the Sous Chef is looking for different alternatives. Yesterday he applied to be a food writer for SBS, travelling around Australia, criticising and writing. A full time food-chaser. Like me, he also dreams about having his own business. His own wine bar with a delicate menu – just wine by the glass. Tapas’ style. Where he could connect and chat with each client. Where he could just be himself. Some people are just meant to connect to others. Some people have that enchanting power. Matteo’s one of those people who needs to be filled up by anecdotes and freshness. New horizons. Time to keep walking. Time to discover his own true self.

[rilenerocks]

Hi Michael. It’s that time of year again. That time you always hated when I was so, so very hot and sweaty and thus, always had the air conditioning turned down, the overhead fan turned to high and the small floor fan churning away all night long. Like living in a wind tunnel, you’d say. I’m sure you wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that nothing’s changed. I climb into our bed, each night, still on my side, yours untouched, with the dull roar of all my cooling machines as my companions. The thin sheet quivers in the breeze. You’d hate it. I’m physically comfortable and I lie there, thinking. Look at this headline from an article I read this evening.

Scientists Have ‘Woken Up’ Microbes Trapped Under The Seafloor For 100 Million Years

I mean, really? While I was trying to wrap my mind around the impossibility of those numbers and the subsequent life options they revealed, I suddenly hoped that meant we had a chance of reuniting somewhere in this mystifying universe. Certainly our collective and relatively young microbes have just as good a chance at survival as those ancient ones. I’m positive that your microbes are all over our house, our garden and in the few personal items of yours which I’ve stashed away. There might be a few hairs in your brush. I wouldn’t care which version of us we’d be, young or old. Ish.

So then I was thinking about all the tiny details of life I’d normally tell you every day when you were still here in the flesh. I mean, I like your constant cosmic presence, but I usually turn to that with just the most important stuff. I’ve been dying to share with you all these strange little nothing thoughts that cross my mind. Mostly, no one has ever been able to put up with the endless stream of seemingly random, disconnected thoughts that pour out of me. My sister, Cheryl is probably the next best listener after you. As my younger sibling, she was well trained in the absorption of my peculiar brain workings. I’m lucky she’s still here. But there’s just nothing like you for that bottomless reservoir of acceptance which  you provided for me. Isn’t it ironic that we both know you’d be appalled by me releasing all this private information into the faceless universe? I mean, I know some people who read my blog but mostly, they’re strangers. Honestly, except for a few private spaces in myself that defy language, most of the rest is just irrelevant in the long run. What impact do our little quirky selves have? I know you’d disagree but I need to survive now, in my own way. So here are a few random thoughts that beset me as I lie in our bedroom, my favorite space, while my mind wanders in the wee hours after I’m done reading, wishing I could talk to you above the whir of the fan blades spinning around me.

You’re the only person who knew that while I was listening to WLS radio during my pubescent and teen years in Chicago, I wasn’t just a rock and roll/rhythm and blues kid. I also liked gospel, jazz and classical music. I still remember that when you were working at the Record Service, you kept track of my favorites and made sure I always those albums in my stash. And then, you updated them to CD’s so I didn’t have to wear out my vinyl. I’m still listening to lots of different genres every day. I don’t think I could’ve gotten through this bizarre pandemic time without it.

Here’s another weird thing I’ve noticed lately. I don’t watch much television during the day. I turn it on for a few minutes when I get up in the morning, mostly a defensive move to make sure nothing impossibly earth-shattering happened overnight. That’s how things are right now – every day seems to bring a story that’s incomprehensible. Today the story was that after the worst economic quarter ever reported since they started measuring these things, Trump suggested that perhaps we shouldn’t hold an election this fall. This guy will sling any idea that he thinks will get him a second term. As an historian, you just wouldn’t believe how this country has devolved since you’ve been gone. Anyway. When evening rolls around, I’m tired from being outside most of the day. After dinner, I watch the news and then scroll through the tv guide, looking for anything that might distract me, amuse me or otherwise edify me in some way. Lately, I’ve realized that virtually every day, The Godfather, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or Gladiator is playing. Often they’re on at the same time, while other times, they’re staggered. It’s so peculiar. Usually I watch bits of all of them. By the end of the week I’ve seen them in their entirety, albeit out of order. I’ll also pause for Sense and Sensibility, The Princess Bride, Pride and Prejudice or any Errol Flynn movie. Makes me laugh. If you were here, you’d be doing the same thing with The American President, To Have and to Have Not, You’ve Got Mail or The Maltese Falcon. Also Goodfellas, A Bronx Tale, or Stand by Me. I’m working my way through a decent number of tv series that I missed when we were too busy to watch them. But recently, I’m needing revolution. I’ve got “Z” and Battle of Algiers on my DVR. I probably don’t need to get more cranked up than I am these days, but I guess that’s too bad. Watching them anyway. I wonder how any new shows will be made for the fall? Better not go down that rabbit hole. They’re probably not going to happen.  

I want you to know that in your honor, I have loyally kept up with a smaller version of your food garden. Not just the perennial herbs that still marvelously appear and make me feel that it’s you who’s emerging through our rich dirt. That’s kind of absurd because your ashes are sitting in a beautiful box in the house waiting to some day being mingled with mine. Then we can be in the garden together. That aside, I’ve also been diligently planting and nurturing the annual herbs and vegetables, although at the moment, I’m losing the vegetable battle with the squirrels and rabbits. I’ve managed to get about two dozen cherry tomatoes off the vines while I try to ignore the smushed ones on the ground with one bite mark taken before abandonment. All the low-hanging large tomatoes have been filched along with the green peppers. I’m holding out hope for ones that are a little higher on the vines.

I’m really missing your cooking, though. Yesterday, I started ferreting around your recipe folders and dug out the one for pesto which, by the way,  wasn’t labeled. I’m going to make it. I don’t have as much basil as you would plant so I don’t expect to be spooning the mixture into ice cube trays that we could pop out of the freezer for pastas and pizzas. But I’m going to get it done. You really spoiled me. The good news is that I knew it and let you know. So there’s that.

Meanwhile, I’m being really mindful about enjoying every bloom in my flower world. I wait impatiently to make sure that my perennials return and get so happy when they show up. Then I try not to get sad because soon they’ll be gone. That’s something I have to work on – if I’ve learned anything, I know I need to stay in the present. So I’m out there a lot, with the butterflies and the birds, chasing them around with my phone to get good photos that I hope will be comforting in what I expect will be a socially distanced winter.  

Regarding the birds. So far, since spring, there’ve been 50 species in the yard. I don’t know if you’d recall that I started drawing them and filing them in a binder called The Yardbirds. I know you’d get the music reference. Anyway, my renderings are improving. If I practice, I’ll get better. Here are a couple of my recent ones.

I’m really happy that I’ve created a great bird habitat in the yard. I’m learning a lot about their behavior. I love watching the hummingbirds and the house wrens. Tiny, but mighty. I’ve grown fond of catbirds which are showing up regularly at the feeders. They’re perky and curious and pretty brave.

I’ve done something pretty dumb, as getting attached to wild animals doesn’t bode well for a happy emotional outcome. But I’m very fond of the cardinal pair that lives here year-round. After a rousing rescue of one of their fledglings last week, I felt so familial with them that I decided to name the strikingly beautiful female who comes for here daily for a dip in the birdbath. I’m calling her Pumpkin. Now, how absurd is that? I like her boyfriend too.

Another thing I did after a good deal of thought was sell your beloved bike. That was hard for me. I know it was just a thing but you loved it so much. I heard your voice in my head saying, “don’t be ridiculous – it’s just sitting there being wasted. Get yourself some extra cash.” So I did. But I took photos first. All these things I have to do. When I lie in bed in the night, I think about how much easier it is to share the loads of life. I miss that a lot although I’m glad I have what it takes to manage on my own. I think back to my mom after my dad died. By the time she was my age, she’d been dependent on me for almost 5 years. Makes me shudder.

How could I not tell you this most important thing? Our daughter, who went from working remotely to having to appear in person in a closed courtroom, found out the other day that a court clerk had tested positive for Covid19. She was asked to leave her office, get tested and do another 14 day quarantine. Then the judge in charge pf hearing her cases tested positive as well. Ugh. That meant that all the rest of our little family bubble had to be tested too. So far, she and our son got negative results. Our son-in-law, both grandsons and I await our results. I hope we’re all negative and can resume our little intimate enclave. The months ahead look daunting to me. The virus is traversing the country at will with no definitive treatments or vaccines. I dread flu season adding to the complexity of everything. Feels positively medieval.   In other news, I got an email from the park district informing us that the indoor pool was reopening immediately. The list of precautions and requirements is very long and detailed. I read it carefully while keenly aware of my longing to get back to swimming. In the end, I’ve decided against it. I just don’t think being in an indoor facility shared with high school students can be safe enough for someone like me, a member of what I call the “death group.” So I’ll just have to know that a block and a half from our house, people will be paddling away while I won’t. This adult decision-making of risk vs. reward is overrated.In other news, I actually wish I was more like my mom in her widowhood. She used to talk a lot about how all she wished she could do was hold my dad’s hand one more time. Lucky her. I remain deeply interested in resuming our intimate life for another 30 years or so. I hope if this reaches you, you’ll be glad to know that some of our best things are strong enough to survive death. So that’s all for tonight. By the way, I thought you should know that I just restlessly flipped on the television. There is Gladiator in the midst of the re-creation of the battle of Carthage. Round and round it goes, my dearest boy. Until next time.

A Message from the Wind Tunnel Hi Michael. It’s that time of year again. That time you always hated when I was so, so very hot and sweaty and thus, always had the air conditioning turned down, the overhead fan turned to high and the small floor fan churning away all night long.