#I swear that middle one looks like Buffy actually. the Sarah Michelle Gellar one which I know wasn't the movie one but still

[resplendent-dwellings]

[paradisobound]

I Want It, I Got It: Chapter 20

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie staring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

Word Count: 4k (this chapter)

Warnings: Occasional swearing and alcohol and sexual content 

Rating: Explicit

Updates will be every Sunday around 1pm EST

**MASTERLIST | READ ON AO3 | WATTPAD**

This party felt a bit different than the one that was at Dan’s house just a few nights before. This one felt a bit more intimate and if Phil was being honest, that made it that much scarier to him. 

He felt completely out place and like there was nowhere for him to hide. At Dan’s party, there had been so many people that it didn’t make a difference if he tried to push through the crowds of people and move on to a different area. But right now, he was stuck in the middle of a conversation at Dan’s side at a pub table that was dressed up way too fancy…Phil was sure that there were Swarovski crystals lining the outside. He was afraid to so much as leave a finger print on them. 

Dan looked right in his element though and maybe that was what made Phil a tad bit more scared that he should have been. Dan looked so comfortable and poised and here was Phil, stood with his elbows on the edge of the pearl white table cloth and a half-drunk glass of Champagne stood in-between his hands. 

Dan had introduced him to these people who he was speaking to but Phil can’t bothered to actually remember what Dan said about them. All he knew is that Dan knew them from his movie and that’s all. 

“…Phil lives in London.” 

Phil picked his head up and looked at Dan. 

“Oh really? Which area?” 

“I’m not sure,” Dan said, turning his head towards Phil. “Which area is it?” 

Phil looked at the brunette who was currently stood on the other side of the table, her arms folded elegantly on the edge as her bracelets draped her forearms. “Victoria.” 

“Oh, Victoria!” She cooed in a way that made Phil want to roll his eyes. He actually doubted she knew where Victoria was. He wasn’t trying to be brash about it, to be fair, he wasn’t sure many people even knew London was broken up that way it was. He didn’t until he looked for flats. 

“It quite cute.” Dan commented. “His flat is near a beautiful park. And he also has the cutest puppy ever.” 

Phil was quite in shock. Had Dan been speaking so openly to this other person about him and he was just not paying any attention to notice? Or was Dan really just playing up the ‘we’re friends’ card? Phil wasn’t quite sure anymore. 

“Puppy?” She said. “Do you have photos? I’d love to see it.” 

“Oh course I have photos, Mimei.” 

Phil suddenly felt his stomach drop out of his ass. Was he really not paying that much attention to anything around him to know that this was Mimei Lake? She had a different hair color from the blonde locks she had in the attached photo from the email a couple months ago. Now it was a natural red color that reminded him of his own―but maybe her’s was a bit lighter. 

Phil watched as Dan pulled out his phone and put it on the table as he turned it around and showed her all of the photos of Spike he must have taken when he was in London. Phil watched as Dan scrolled through the photos but he didn’t recognize any of them. Nor did he know Dan had taken so many selfies with his pup. 

“What’s his name?” 

“Spike.” Dan and Phil both answered at the same time, causing Mimei to laugh. 

“Where did the name come from?” She asked. “Because that sounds like the name of a ferocious beast but he looks to be the cuddliest creature alive.” 

“It’s from a character on one of my favorite TV shows Buffy.” 

Phil watched as Mimei’s eyes lit up. “Buffy? Oh my gosh, I loved Buffy as a teen! Sarah Michelle Gellar was my idol!” 

“I used to have the biggest crush on her.” Phi admitted with a chuckle. Dan laughed to himself next to him. “My mum used to find it weird how I had her photos hanging on the walls of my room.” 

“Amazing.” Mimei commented with a smile. “That sounds like me with Aaron Carter.” 

“You both with your teenage celebrity crushes.” 

Phil and Mimei both looked at Dan with wide eyes. “You’ve never had a celebrity crush?” Phil asked, elbowing Dan gently in the side. “That’s hard to believe.” 

“Why?” Dan asked. “I had celebrity crushes but I’m not gonna admit them.” 

“And why’s that?” Phil pressed. “How bad could they be?” 

“I’m not saying.” 

Phil was going to press more on the subject when someone else rounded to the table and stood by Mimei, placing her arm around Mimei’s waist. “Hello, Dan.” 

“Hi, Dayna.” 

Okay, so now Phil had another person to remember the name of. This time, their name was Dayna. That didn’t seem so bad to try and remember. 

“Phil, this is Dayna, Mimei’s wife.” 

Phil cocked his eyebrow up. That was a pleasant surprise. Maybe that’s why Dan was comfortable mentioning Phil so much around her. “Pleasure to meet you.” Dayna said, sticking out her hand for Phil to shake. 

“Dayna, this is Phil, my boyfriend.” 

Phil had to admit that it took a bit of his breath away to hear Dan formally introduce him as his boyfriend to someone else. He panicked a bit, looking around to make sure that no one else heard anything. Everyone else was in their own little worlds around the tables, just mingling with each other. 

“Ah, so you’re the famous Phil who Dan wouldn’t shut up about.” 

Phil looked at Dan with a smile just in time to see red flourish on his cheeks. 

“Wouldn’t shut up about me, huh?” 

Dan just shook his head. “Stop embarrassing me.” 

“You do it to yourself, bud.” Mimei said with a warm chuckle.

Dayna leaned over and whispered something in Mimei’s ear before Mimei looked up and smiled at them both. “We have to get going but it was great seeing you again, Dan. I know we’re done filming our parts together but it was a pleasure working with you.” 

“You as well.” Dan nodded back as Mimei and Dayna grasped hands and headed off towards another section of the room. 

“They’re both super nice.” Phil commented once they were gone. 

Dan nodded. “I loved working with Mimei.” He paused. “Although it was a bit awkward filming our sex scene when she’s a lesbian and I’m a gay male. Didn’t quite work how it should have but…” 

“I can’t wait to see the film.” 

Phil hadn’t really ever said that aloud because he wasn’t quite sure himself if he even was interested in the film before. But now he wants to support Dan in any way that he can. 

“I can’t wait for you to see it.” 

Dan began to lean down and Phil was ready to accept the kiss when Dan suddenly stopped and stiffened, standing up a bit straighter and stopping his movements. “We actually probably shouldn’t kiss here. Do you want to head out? I’m hungry and these tiny sandwiches aren’t doing much.” 

Phil smiled at him and nodded and they both left, their flutes of champagne long forgotten on the table. 

***

Dan had a driver chauffeur them around LA to get food and they managed to stop at just a quick burger place to grab food to take back to Dan’s house. By the time they got back, it was well past midnight and Phil was feeling a bit tired, but still a little buzzed from the party. 

It was apparent that Dan was a bit buzzed himself with a second wind of energy when they both got ready for bed and Dan laid down before Phil and reached for his phone, not even blinking or yawning in the process. 

Phil watched him for a moment as he rushed out a text with his finger tips and then threw his phone off the side of the bed and turned back to Phil with a smile. “Hi.” 

“Hi.” 

Phil will never get tired of this. Of seeing Dan in such a natural state like lying in bed with his pajamas on, his hair slightly messy and his eyes a bit glassy from the alcohol buzzing in his system. 

Phil’s said it once, and he’ll say it forever but Dan really was an angel. 

“Can I ask you something?” Dan says out of the blue. 

Phil feels his heart sink about but the hopeful look in Dan’s eyes make him remember that they promised to be there for each other and to never give up on the other person. He had to remember that, even if the question had his heart beating out of his chest. 

“Of course.” 

“Do you reckon we’re moving a bit fast?” 

Phil doesn’t know what he was expecting to be the question Dan was going to ask but it certainly was not that question. He felt his heart flutter a bit more before his eyes glazed over a bit. 

“What do you mean?” 

He was preparing for the worst. Maybe Dan was having second thoughts about all of this? Maybe Dan decided that he couldn’t be with some loser like Phil who wasn’t rich or famous? Maybe Dan decided that Phil wasn’t good enough for him? 

Dan let out a loud sigh that broke Phil out of his pessimistic thoughts. “It’s…not anything bad, per se.” Dan begins, rolling onto his back as if he’s avoiding making eye contact. “But I feel as if I don’t really know you?” 

Phil felt his heart break a bit more. 

Dan rolled back onto his side and looked up at Phil. “No matter how I say this, I’m aware I’m going to look like a dick but it’s just…let’s get to know each other, yeah? I don’t want to rush forward and not know anything about you.” 

Phil let out a staggering breath. “But this isn’t you giving up on me, right?” 

Dan suddenly shot up and moved so he was sitting onto his backside on the bed, looking straight at Phil. He reached out and placed his hands on Phil’s jaw, steadying the slight wobble that it was beginning to have. 

“No, God, no!” Dan quickly reassured. “You mean the absolute world to me, Phil.” 

Phil felt like he wanted to believe him but his heart was still a bit ragged and his mind was a bit clouded. 

“And you’re the one supposed to not be giving up on me, remember?” 

Phil felt his head nod subconsciously. 

“So we’re not breaking up?” Phil asks, the question lingering in the air. 

Dan moved his hands around to behind Phil’s neck and drew Phil closer, planting a firm kiss on his lips that cause Phil to hesitate before reciprocating. He reached around and put his hand on Dan’s side, feeling the soft flesh mould under his fingers. 

Dan pulled away and shook his head. “You’re it for me, Phil. That’s what I’m trying to say. You’re my person and I can tell already that we’re meant for each other. That’s why I want to get to know you. Now if you’re going to start crying, can you maybe warn me first because I’ll cry if you cry and I really don’t want to go to bed with swollen and sore eyes.” 

Phil let out a soft chuckle of relief as he and Dan disentangled themselves away from each other long enough for him to wipe away the moisture from under his eyes. “Now,” Dan continued. “Let’s play like twenty questions or something. You ask a question, I have to answered and we’ll go back and forth until we either get bored or pass out. I’ll go first!” Dan situates himself across from Phil on the bed and smiles. “How old were you when you have your first kiss?” 

Phil scoffed. “Oh we’re playing this kind of twenty questions?” Phil teased. “What are we? Twelve year olds at a slumber party?” 

“Hell fucking yes, Phil!” Dan bellowed out. “After this will do each others hair and then have a pillow fight.” 

“Shouldn’t we be drinking for this?” Phil asks. 

“Quit stalling and answer the question, mate!” 

“I was sixteen.” 

Dan’s eyes widened and Phil suddenly felt his cheeks flush. “Oh, Phil!” 

“I was a late bloomer.” He mumbled, trying to hide the embarrassment from his voice. 

Dan noticed and reeled the conversation back in. “If it makes you feel any different, mine was when I was age 6 with a girl named Lilith and all she did was lean forward plant her mouth on mine. It was quite gross.” 

Phil let out a laugh. “How old were you when you decided you wanted to go into acting?” 

Dan leaned back a bit and looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Phil studied his body, looking for any signs of discomfort coming from Dan just in case he stepped over a boundary that he didn’t really mean to. 

“Well, that’s a bit of a loaded question.” Dan says, finally looking down. “Because I decided I wanted to audition for my community theatre’s play when I was quite young but I didn’t fully decide that being an actor was something I wanted to pursue until I was about 14 or 15. It kind of came with the mentality of people always telling me I was good at it and that I had the ability to act.” When he’s done, Phil looks at him and notices that Dan’s face is a bit sullen and a bit sad. But he doesn’t look hurt or upset about answering the question. “When did you decide to work for the BBC?” 

“When I realized that I had no clue where I was going in life and I felt like I needed a sense of direction.” 

That was the honest truth. Phil applied for the BBC on a whim. He had no intentions of ever getting the job nor getting near London to even take the job. But he received it and was stuck working in the BBC in an office all day with Louise, PJ, and Gemma. 

But he doesn’t hate what he does. He just hates that he lost the passion he once had to go work for an office in London.

“And the BBC gave you that?” 

Phil had half a mind to joke with Dan and tell him that he couldn’t ask more than one question but honestly, he felt like he needed to answer this one. Not only to give Dan an answer, but also give himself an answer as well. 

“No.” Phil answered truthfully. “It gave me friends and it gave me memories and it gave me money. But in the end, it also gave me a job that…” Phil let his thoughts linger off before he looked at Dan and their eyes met and he finally spoke the words he hadn’t thought he’d ever speak. “But it also gave me a job that I hate.” 

Phil doesn’t think hate is the correct term. He doesn’t hate the BBC or hate what he does. But he does hate how the BBC took up his time and his job took his time away from him to follow the true passion he used to have which is YouTube. 

“Then why do you stay?” 

“I thought this was going back and forth.” 

Phil partly teased that but he also kind of wanted to drop the subject and move onto something much more lighthearted than talking about how actually miserable he is. He didn’t realize he was even this miserable until he began talking about the BBC right then. 

Dan smiled at him. “Ask me something then.” 

“Be honest with me, okay?” Phil began and Dan nodded. “Do you wish your life wasn’t like this?” 

“Like what?” 

“Followed by paparazzi all the time? Having a house with a gate you can only get through by using an access code? Your name the source of news and headlines all over the world and fangirls crawling all over your tweets and speculating about everything you do?” 

“I hate my life, Phil.” Phil looked at Dan and saw the way his jaw wobbled as he reached up and stubbornly wiped away a tear from his cheek. “This life isn’t what you want, Phil. It’s not even what I want anymore. And If I could leave it all behind, I would.” He looked at Phil quickly before squeezing his eyes shut tightly as another tear slid down his cheek and Phil moved forward quickly to wipe it away. Dan shivered underneath his touch and opened his eyes, staring into Phil’s with a grateful look. “I want to be normal, like you. I want to work for the BBC in an office job and make YouTube videos and have friends who actually care about me. But I’ll never get any of that.” 

My life was always characterized by my name and it forever will be. For fucks sake, I have word that I might even be getting a Hollywood Star of Fame sometime next year. I have no chance for a normal life anymore. I have no chance for that. And maybe it’s a bit selfish but I want to live vicariously through you. I want to be with you when you go to the BBC and I want to be with you when you make your videos because any chance I have at a normal life, I want to grab at it and never let it go. Because my life will never go back to normal, Phil. It just can’t.” 

Phil waited until everything Dan was saying was over before he studied Dan’s face and watched as he wiped his tears away before sniffling and let out a shuttering breath. 

“I’m sorry for just unloading all of that onto you.” Dan says, letting out a small laugh. “It felt really good to actually get all of that out but I hope it doesn’t like, scare you away or anything.” 

Phil shook his head. “No, I totally get everything you’re saying.” 

Dan gives him a look of ‘you really don’t but I appreciate the sentiment’, before he lets out a long yawn and gives Phil a sympathetic look. “I’m really tired now. Do you want to get ready for bed?” 

Phil’s eyes feel a bit sore and weary so he nods. 

Dan stands up quickly and makes his way to the bathroom first, shutting the door behind him. Phil is left sitting on the bed, gathering all of his thoughts about everything Dan had just said to him. It was a lot to process and it was a bit hard for Phil to really think about at this hour and also with his mindset. 

Dan came back out a few minutes later and by that time, Phil had already settled into bed under the duvet, waiting for Dan to come back. Once under the duvet, Dan immediately rolled into Phil and Phil wrapped his around him, letting himself snuggle the younger male. 

The amount of vulnerability and openness that Dan showed Phil tonight was something he would never forget and he was convinced that it’s something that will strengthen their relationship from this point forward into the future. Dan was right after all. They really did need to get to know each other before they can move on. 

“I’m glad we had this talk.” Dan said, his voice coming out a bit muffled from talking into Phil’s chest. 

He pulled back a bit and Dan looked up at him in the pale moonlight of his room that was seeping in through the sheer curtains. “Me too.” 

Dan leaned forward and connected their lips together. Phil pushed forward, deepening the kiss as Dan rolled onto his back willingly. Phil’s been hungry for Dan’s kisses all night and having Dan kissing him again was taming the embers that were firing up inside his core.

He found himself hovering over Dan, lips detached from his lips and making small kisses down his jaw onto his neck. He found the soft flesh of Dan’s neck and nipped at it with his teeth a bit before sucking onto the sensitive skin. Dan moaned out, reaching his hand out and placing it on the back of Phil’s neck to hold him in place. 

Phil loved this. The taste of Dan’s skin on his tongue was like a delicacy that he couldn’t get enough of. He pulled back and moved a bit lower, attaching his lips to Dan’s collarbone. 

Dan squirmed under him as he whimpered and continued to whine at the sensations. Phil honestly felt a bit drunk off from the pheromones Dan was giving off to him. 

He pulled away, moving his head back so he could connect their lips once more. It was a bit sloppy and a bit messy and Phil was sure their teeth might have clashed but he didn’t care. Anything with Dan was amazing and nothing would ever destroy that mindset for him. 

Phil’s hips instinctively rolled down, looking for friction to serve as relief for the heat pooling in his lower body and his cock springing to full hardness. He could feel Dan’s under him, the hard outline of his own cock jutting into his hip. 

“Are you okay with this?” Phil asked, looking for consent given how open and vulnerable Dan was just ten or so minutes ago. 

Dan nodded quickly and practically begged. “Yes! Please keep going and don’t stop.” 

Phil nodded to Dan’s command and reached his hand between them, fishing his cock out of his pajama pants and letting it spring free between them. Dan reached between them and Phil felt his hand down the same and then Dan’s hips cantered up and suddenly, Phil’s vision went white. 

His head tipped down and found solace in the crevice between Dan’s neck and shoulder as he let of a loud moan. Dan’s hand wrapped around both of them and began to stroke as Phil’s hips rolled forward on their own accord. 

He’s never done this before. He’s never felt the sensation of his already painful erection being stroked along someone else. The feeling of it was enough to send shivers of heat down his spine as he struggled to remain in control of his movements. 

He picked his head up and looked down at Dan who was smiling lazily up at him. Phil quickly reached down and pushed Dan’s hand out of the way as he took over, stroking them to his tempo and his speed. 

It was over far quicker than he would have liked to admit, shooting white over Dan’s stomach and dribbling a bit over Dan’s cock. Dan finished not long after, quickly shoving Phil out of the way as he stroked himself to completion and then fell back into a heap on the bed. 

Dan got out of bed first to grab them something to clean up with and when he came back with a damp cloth, Phil gently used it to clean off his hand as he tucked himself back into his pajamas. 

Dan yawned on last time before he settled into bed and leaned over, kissing Phil a few more times with quick little pecks against his lips before settling down onto Phil’s chest. 

“Thank you.” Dan whispered, just as Phil felt himself drifting off to sleep. 

“What for?” 

“For making me feel like a normal person.” Dan says, his voice soft. “For actually making me feel loved and not like you’re using me to say you got to sleep with the famous Dan Howell.” 

“I’d never do that.” 

“I know.” Dan pressed. “That’s why I’m saying thank you.” 

Dan fell asleep not long after the conversation ended and Phil was left, laying back on the bed with his eyes wide open now as he processed Dan’s words. 

Thank you for actually making me feel loved. 

The mere thought of someone not doing that or showing that to Dan made him actually hurt. 

Sleep took a while to come that night.