#I sure do love joining dead famdoms

[senseiofbullshit]

I think Connie, Jean, and Porco would be the messiest boyfriends. They’re always down to hear the tea and be in peoples business. I think they take three different perspectives on tea (especially work tea).

Jean is by far the messiest of the three. He asks “anything interesting happen at work today” or “what’s new, baby” while he’s rubbing your feet or doing skin care with you before bed. Even though he doesn’t ask directly, you know exactly what he’s fishing for. As soon as you sigh and say “lemme tell you about”, his eyes light up and he smirks. He’ll lay back and let you talk and talk and talk about Linda at work. You can tell him every thing like he’s one of your girls and he’s into it. He sees it as a form of trust but he's also just nosy as hell. He’ll ask questions and engage. He remembers everyone’s names and every single transgression against you. He acknowledges that you’re just venting and that you don’t actually feel angry enough the kill your coworkers. He’ll let you say anything terrible that you need to get off youe chest. You don’t even need to ask “can I say something terrible?”. It’s all fair game to him.

“She sounds like a miserable, dried up, old, hag and she needs to watch herself.”

“That’s right, baby. You tell her.”

“And she wonders why her kids can’t stand her.”

Jean is all up in your work business. He also knows never to repeat anything you tell him. So if you he ever meets the person you’re trash talking, the person will never know that Jean knows everything you’ve told him. He’s cool to play the aloof boyfriend. What’s great about Jean though is that he adopts whatever attitude you have towards these people. At your Christmas work social, he’s polite and professional (read: fake) with Linda. He’ll smile when he needs to and mimics your level of fake. Once Linda crosses a line though, he won’t let her slide. He'll drop the fake smile and put her in her place; never even having to raise his voice. After you guys leave the event, Jean is all “I see what you mean, baby”. Every time you bring up Linda in the future, he'll always mention how awful she was at the Christmas social. Jean doesn't forget.

If you ever stand up to the people giving you shit at work, he will praise you. “Talk yo shit, queen.” Like Jean, please be serious for five minutes.

Connie is similar in the aspect that he wants to hear all the tea too. Connie has a harder time keeping up and following. “Who’s Linda again?” And now your speed running him back through two weeks worth of tea before he goes “oh, oh, oh yeah! Uh hm. I’m following you, babe.” He may interrupt you and egg you on hard at some points. Connie wants the full retelling of the tea. He wants to feel like he was there when it happened. He wants ALL the details and he is quite the exaggerator. “Babe, if that was me, I woulda laid her ass out right there.” Like Connie, please. No, you would not have.

“You let her say that to you?”

“See? And that’s why her husband left her and she can’t find another man.”

“Isn’t she the one that made that nasty ass chili for your work pot luck?”

You have to warn Connie what he can and can’t repeat because if you don’t, he WILL accidentally repeat something about your boss' affair back to them without thinking about it. “Connie, you can’t tell anybody this,” or “I need to say something terrible but you can’t repeat it,” and he knows to lock it away in the vault. He’s very neutral when he meets the people you talk about. Sometimes he might even end the night like “Linda isn’t so bad. I think you misjudged, babe.” Find Connie sitting at a table laughing and drinking with the manager you can’t stand because he gets along with everyone.

Porco is a whole different story. He acts like he doesn’t care about your work drama and at times it may seem like he’s not listening, especially if it’s something you’ve griped about repeatedly, but the man is listening. He’s doing something else, not making eye contact, and giving you short answers while you talk, but he’s listening. If you stop just to see if he's listening, he'll wordlessly look at you and wait for you to continue. If you tell him to repeat whatever you just said back to you, he will sigh and give you a watered down version of everything you said. He will recall stuff you told him weeks ago. Sometimes, if the tea is really good, he'll stop what he's doing and engage, but will still wear that unimpressed look. Spilling work tea or venting to him may get a little frustrating because he frequently advocates for you rocking somebody’s shit. Porco believes violence is the answer to disrespect lol. Linda at work pissed you off? You should rock her shit. You found out your 'friend' started a terrible rumor about you? Crash out and two piece her. Your grandma offended you? Hands rated E for everybody.

“Baby, just rock her shit and quit. I already told you that I’ll take care of you and you won’t have to go back to that shitty place.”

“Knock her ass out and you never have to work again.”

“If I were her, I would be a bitter bitch too if had to look at you all day. (Insert a comment about how hot you are followed by something filthy.)”

How romantic. He’s trying to be supportive, but he just doesn’t enjoy the fact that somebody is ruining your day at a place where you spend so much of your time. He doesn’t think you should have to tolerate disrespect no matter how minor. He constantly advises you to square up with Linda, quit, and become a stay at home partner that lives out their dreams while he provides for you. If you text him while you’re working that you’re getting a headache because of Linda, he will either reply that you should just lay her out or he’ll ask if he needs to come up there. It’s hard to tell whether or not he’s joking.

“Baby, don’t let her disrespect you. Lay her ass out.”

“Do you need me to come up there? We’ll see if she still says that shit with her chest.”

What sets Porco apart from Jean and Connie is that he does not play nice when he meets the people you vent about. When he meets them, he’s a bit standoffish and uninterested. He’s gives a short 'hey' and does not shake hands. Something about how unapproachable he is makes the people you can’t stand vie for his attention. Porco will literally size them, keep a neutral, straight face, and not say a word, but something about that makes people feel like they have something to prove. No matter how much Linda tries to butter him up, he never warms up to her. Like Jean, Porco won’t let backhanded comments slide, but he’s much less pleasant about addressing it. While Jean says “what was that?”, Porco is more of a “fuck did you just say?” kinda guy. Jean will politely and calmly read Linda for filth if she crosses a line with you. Porco is loudly cooking Linda, her momma, her daddy, her grandma, ALL her kids, their kids, and any future kids. And though you’re proud and happy to have a man that stands ten toes down for you, you’re the one who has to show your face in the office Monday morning. As confrontational as he is, he will take a step back and let you handle the people you have problems with. However, if you're nonconfrontational and want him to handle it for you, he will pack them up fast.