#I still think this most recent development ultimately signifies something good

[a-slight-sweet-fiction]

I'm just saying that Kevin is such an important and powerful and meaningful character to I think MANY queer listeners who have survived religious (and other) abuse, and it would actually genuinely hurt my heart if his arc turned out to be:

"Once upon a time, there was a genuinely kind and selfless person who loved the people in his life enough to sacrifice himself to save them. But he wasn't strong enough, and found himself violently transformed into a tool of incredible violence, against his will.

"And the version of himself that still remembered what love and kindness were, that longed for human connection, survived within him. It persisted long after everything and everyone he had ever known had long since passed away. That version of him ached to live again, to be more than a twitch of the wrist in a body that no longer felt like his, to even remember his own name.

"That desire was so powerful that it manifested in the form of a young boy, one who hated everything he knew he would become and desperately tried to dismantle him.

"And finally, looking at his younger self, seeing it play out in this way, the older one finally regained enough pieces of his will. He consciously encountered a chance to change, to allow at least the young version of himself to be free again, to live happily in the real ways that a person can be happy, in ways that did not wrench the soul. He realized he had the choice to define his god with his beliefs, rather than the other way around. He took his younger self away from a god who wished to control him, and promised to raise him as his own.

"But in the end, the cycle could not be broken, because the violence within him was his, and he would not part with it. In the end, he chose to do harm. In the end, one day, he still chose to put the pot on the stove, and pour the boiling caramel into his own cupped palms."

[cosmicjoke]

No Regrets: Chapter by Chapter Analysis:

1. Preface to my analysis

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others.  The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.  Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others.  And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”.  Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground.  So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself.  But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility.  Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”.  Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself.  Levi already had that, had already DONE that.  What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people.  Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people.  Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life.  He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have.  Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.  

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense.  The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it.  He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards.  This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter.  But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted.  Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best.  He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge.  He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time.  It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way.  Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably.  He won’t always win.  He won’t always be able to save everyone.  It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed.  It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance.  It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.  

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post.  Thanks for reading, as always guys!

2. Chapter 1: The Wings of Freedom

Okay, so here we go!  Chapter 1 of “No Regrets”!  

There’s a few things I want to point out about this chapter, because both visually and textually, we get a lot of information about the Underground and Levi, and his relationship with Isabel and Furlan.  So I’ll just go through it.

The first thing that really caught my attention for this chapter was the opening page, which is a retrospective shot of Levi after he’s joined the SC, thinking about how he can’t ever know what the results of his choices are going to be.  He says here “I trusted in my own strength... I trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned my faith...”  And this quote from Levi is really important in later understanding why he makes the choice he does, at the end.  He says he trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned his faith, and that tells us that Levi believes in Furlan and Isabel, that he believes in their strength and their capability, that he believes in them enough to let them choose for themselves and trust in their judgement.  We’ll obviously delve more into this as it becomes more relevant to the story.  But moving on...

The next thing to catch my attention is the panels of the Underground we see.  These are probably the best shots of this place we get in the whole series, as it really depicts a place that is totally run down and dilapidated, with buildings falling apart and crumbling in disrepair, filth ridden streets with literal sewage water coming out of drain pipes, and a actual cave cover overhead, complete with stalactites, blocking out all sunlight except for few and far between pockets which break through holes in the rock ceiling.  The most telling panels though are the ones which depict the violence and poverty of the place.  We see a panel of a homeless man passed out on the street, painfully thin looking, and under him, two men in a fight, one beating the other violently.  And the next panel shows us a little girl, sitting barefoot on the ground between two men who have just blown each other’s brains out with guns.  Truly, this is a violent, dark, poverty-stricken place that breeds crime and depravation.  The pages before this say that BECAUSE of the splendor of the Capital city above the Underground, this place exists, and that’s accurate.  Because of the excesses and decadence of the rich and well off above these people rejected by society, that means fewer resources for the less fortunate.  It’s truly tragic.  

Alright, now I just want to move on to some small, but telling moments here while Levi and the others are being chased by Erwin and his crew.  

When Isabel is bragging about how the MP’s never learn, referring to how they’ll never be able to catch their gang, she asks Levi if what she said was cool.  Levi tells her “Don’t be stupid.”  This might seem like Levi just blowing her off, but the way I read it, it seems more to me like Levi is warning her not to be cocky, not to be over confident, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed, or caught.  Big Bro indeed!   We also see how mindful Levi is here as a leader, when he tells them they can’t afford to lead the soldiers following them straight to their hideout, and clearly they have a plan in place for just this sort of thing.

More importantly, Levi is fast to realize these aren’t ordinary soldiers after them, which shows his great instincts, but what’s really interesting is his internal thoughts here.  His logic is telling him regular MP’s wouldn’t work this hard to catch them, and that their skill with the ODM means they must be SC.  But Levi doesn’t really believe it which, given what we later find out about the deal with Lobov, and Lobov warning them of Erwin’s plans, tells us that Levi never really believed the SC would come after them.  He’s clearly surprised here.

Further, after informing Isabel and Furlan and confirming his suspicions, he tells Furlan that he’s got no intention of getting mixed up with “these guys”.  This tells us Levi never wanted to go through with Furlan’s plans, never wanted to join the SC, never wanted anything to do with any of it.  There’s further evidenced in this very chapter, which I’ll get to in a moment.  But it tells us a lot about the dubious feelings Levi had from the start, and how he probably would have simply been happiest to stay in the Underground with his friends, even though it was a hard life.  

Alright, so, this next part is a big deal, and it’s an overlooked detail which speaks volumes about the kind of person Levi is.  I didn’t even notice this the first time I read it, so I want to talk about it.  Levi separates from Isabel and Furlan, and takes Erwin and Mike on a wild chase through the back alley’s and narrow passages of the slums.  He really tries to give them the run around here, until he flips over a door, into another area.  What’s really important here is Levi’s dialog.  He says first “... Lost ‘em, huh?”  And then he says, “That got a little crazy...  I hope... none of them crashed.”  This is kind of amazing.  Levi is showing actual concern for the two soldiers who’d just attempted to catch him and his friends, who were doggedly pursuing them with obviously bad intentions of some kind.  And Levi, after having to resort to some serious ODM skills to shake them, says he hopes that none of them crashed.  He doesn’t want Erwin or Mike to get hurt, he just wants to get away from them.  Considering he doesn’t know either of them at this point, they’re just nameless, faceless military dogs trying to mess things up for him, that shows remarkable character.  

Of course, things go downhill from there, when Mike crashes through the door and tackles him.  All bets are off then, because Levi’s life is now in danger, and when that happens, he’ll resort to physical force.  Still, he only throws Mike off of him and once again attempts to get away, only for it to be Erwin who swoops down and cuts Levi’s cables.  This was actually really dangerous.  Given Levi’s momentum and position, he crashes hard into a nearby wall before falling to the ground.  So we already see some of that ruthlessness from Erwin here.  Of course, that spurs Levi into violence himself.  I have no doubt that when Levi lunges for Erwin and knocks his blade away, bringing his knife to his neck, he truly intended to kill him in that moment.  Levi’s compassion for these soldiers can only go so far, considering the desperation of his own circumstances.  If Mike hadn’t been there to stop it, I think Levi probably would have ripped Erwin’s jugular right out, and that would have been that, lol.  And then, it’s important to note too WHY Levi stops.  Not because Mike was able to physically restrain him, but because he tells Levi to look around himself, directing his attention to the fact that Furlan and Isabel have been caught.  That immediately stays Levi’s hand, and once again, we’re shown how Levi puts the wellbeing of his friends above himself.  He could have ditched Furlan and Isabel right then and there and escaped on his own.  Instead, he allows himself to be restrained and cuffed.  He refuses to abandon them.

Now the next scene is hugely important to a lot of stuff.

Erwin’s got Levi and his friends down on their knees, in the sewage, questioning them about their ODM skills, and the three of them stay silent, obviously defiant.  We really get a good look at Erwin’s abilities as a manipulator here.

He’s pulling the whole good cop/bad cop routine on Levi, when he tells him “I’d like to avoid any rough treatment if I can” before looking to Mike in a clear signal for Mike to pretty damn violently tear Levi’s head back by his hair before smashing his face into the sewage on the ground.  And this really IS sewage.  It’s not mud.  If you look at the panels, we see this brown muck coming out of drain pips attached to the surrounding buildings.  This water is probably, literally, dirty with feces, and Erwin has Mike put Levi’s face in this and hold it there.  Now let’s remember something important about Levi.  He’s a clean freak.  He obviously cares deeply about keeping both himself and his environment clean.  Erwin couldn’t know this about him at the time, but nobody of course would be happy about having their face shoved into literal shit.  But for Levi, I can only imagine this had to be tantamount to a kind of torture.  Erwin keeps questioning him, looking down at him without any kind of emotion, and Levi remains stubbornly silent, despite how awful this must truly be for him.  We get a close up of Levi’s eye in one of the panels, paralleled with Erwin’s own, and Levi’s expression really strikes me as one of awful humiliation.  He goes from looking up at Erwin in rage, to looking away, staring straight ahead, while Erwin keeps looking down at him.

Still, Levi says nothing, and it’s Isabel who finally cracks, telling Erwin that they didn’t learn to use ODM from anyone, with Furlan further explaining that they taught themselves as a means of survival.  He remarks that “anyone who doesn’t know what sewage tastes like couldn’t understand!”.  Clearly, both of them are really upset to see this being done to Levi, and I have to imagine it’s at least in part because they know how awful an experience this has to be for him, given that they know how much he desires to stay clean.  Their shocked expressions when Mike first pushes Levi’s face into the sewage says as much too.

But still, Levi remains silent as Erwin then demands to know Levi’s name.  What Mike does to Levi in the next panel is even worse.  He pushes his face into the sewage and holds him there until Levi literally starts to choke in it, for long enough that, when he finally does pull him up, Levi is gasping for breath.  I really don’t see people talk enough about this scene, but, well...

It’s a torture scene.  Erwin is ordering Mike to torture Levi here.  It may not be the most extreme form of torture, it isn’t the type of physical violence we typically think of when we think of torture, but that’s what it is.  It’s causing Levi both physical and mental degradation, as well as physical distress.  

Even with this though, Levi’s still silent and refuses to answer Erwin at all.  

It’s only when Erwin literally threatens the lives of Furlan and Isabel that he finally talks.  This is such an important detail.  Levi was willing to take what to him must have been truly horrific treatment, but as soon as Erwin gives the signal to the other two Scouts who have hold of his friends, we see Levi’s expression shift from defiant rage to wide eyed fear as they put their blades to Furlan’s and Isabel’s throats.  

Finally Levi talks, calling Erwin a “bastard”, to which Erwin simply asks him again what his name is, and after a slight hesitation, Levi finally gives it.  

I think this entire scene is vital in understanding WHY Levi was so violently pissed at Erwin, to the point of wanting to kill him.

I think it’s a combination of both the humiliation and torture he puts Levi through here, and, worse still, the fact that he threatens Isabel and Furlan’s lives.  Levi already feels looked down upon by Erwin here, he already feels humiliated and embarrassed and as though he’s being treated like he’s worthless, because Erwin IS treating him like that here.  All while Erwin stands there, expressionless, making statements like he doesn’t want to have to use any rough treatment, etc... while at the same time ordering Mike to do just that.  Already, Erwin is sending Levi the message that he’s a liar and a manipulator who thinks nothing of putting another human being’s face in shit.  And then, to top that off, he shows Levi that he’s willing to hurt, maybe even kill, his two friends to get what he wants.

Is it any wonder Levi hated Erwin as much as he did at the beginning?  After a lifetime in the Underground where, from the time of his birth, he had to deal with him and those he cares about being treated like worthless trash.  It would be a miracle if Levi DIDN’T want to kill Erwin at this point.  To have to then submit to him willingly, after all of that, must have been beyond humiliating for him.

Erwin continues to be manipulative here too, when after Levi gives his name, Erwin’s attitude suddenly shifts, and he smiles at Levi and gets down on one knee with him, in the filth, his entire demeanor seeming to shift into an abruptly friendly one as he offers his deal to Levi.  Again, that whole good cop/bad cop thing.  At the same time, he continues to threaten Levi by telling him if he refuses his offer, he’ll hand them all over to the MP’s and that, given their crimes, they shouldn’t expect to be treated with any kind of decency.  What’s kind of funny about this statement from Erwin is that up until now, Erwin and Mike have done anything but treat Levi decently.

Okay, one more important point to make about this chapter, and it goes back to what I said earlier about Levi not wanting anything to do with the SC, and how that tells us Levi really didn’t want to go through with Furlan’s plans.

After Erwin makes his offer, we see Levi look over at Furlan, who’s giving him an intent look, and in the next panel, we see an almost surprised, or astonished look on Levi’s face, like he can’t believe Furlan is asking him to do this, before he grits his teeth in obvious frustration, and then accepts Erwin’s offer to join the SC.  What this tells us is that Levi only takes Erwin’s offer because Furlan wanted him to.  Because this was all part of Furlan’s plan, to go through with Lobov’s commission, to get caught by the SC, etc...  It’s clear Levi never wanted this, and he’s upset at having to do it.  But the fact he agrees after looking over at Furlan and seeing him implore Levi with his eyes tells us, once again, that Levi is willing to sacrifice his own desires for the desires of others.  That being his two friends.

For them, he’ll join the Survey Corps, even as every one of his instincts is probably screaming at him that this is a bad idea.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the first chapter of “No Regrets”.  There’s a lot more to unpack in this manga than I think people realize.  I hope whoever took the time to read my long ass post found it at least a little worth while.  I’ll be moving on to chapter two next!

3. Chapter 2: One Arrow

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.  

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage.  They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC.  Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view.  She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window.  And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll.  This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had.  A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with.  Essentially, an actual childhood.  We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide.  Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing.  It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life.  Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed.  When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour.  No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface.  I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context.  I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation.  But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator.  He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi.  But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so.  It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move.  What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC.  One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment.  He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”.  Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals.  That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary.  Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.  

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him.  I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him.  Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed.  Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind.  Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again.  He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work.  Trust me, Levi.”  Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin.  This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.”  We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge.  We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation.  But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.  

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.”  Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps.  It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi.  It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt.  She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that.  Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room.  We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions.  Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier.  Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are.  He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain.  He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel.  Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face.  This of course is the world Levi comes from.  It’s the world he was raised in.  A world of kill or be killed.  Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead.  But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too.  Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either.  This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance.  Trust me.”.  Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream.  The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it.  Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends.  We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself.  Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark.  But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion.  He doesn’t really mean what he says here.  He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most.  What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill.  He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay.  That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky.  Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live.  I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama.  Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them.  You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives.  Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc...  It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that.  It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now.  He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”.  And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved.  This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge.  We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline.  He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals.  What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility.  So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic.  It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities.  Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line.  Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does.  It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.  

4. Chapter 3: ... Of Revolution

Okay, so on to chapter 3 of “No Regrets”!

I’ve got a few observations, so I’ll just delve in.

First thing, and once again, I found this a huge improvement over the visual novel, but we get more insight here into the reason Erwin was so intent on recruiting Levi.  During the scene in which he’s arguing with the other squad leaders about letting a group of “criminals” into their organization, Erwin pushes back against the other scouts deriding Levi and his friends.  I really loved Erwin’s line here, where he says “You’re right.  These people had no training.  They did not earn wings from us.  They grew their own, out of necessity.”  This shows us that Erwin has a grasp and an appreciation for the hardship Levi and his friends faced while growing up, while most of the other SC leaders and even regular recruits can only look down on them and see them as gutter trash.  This shows Erwin’s own scope of vision, his ability to look past a person’s upbringing and background and not make judgments about them based on that.  More telling still is his comment about how “those wings will play a part in revolutionizing this organization.”.  He wanted Levi’s skills in particular because he knew having someone like Levi around, with exceptional ability, would shift the way they all fight Titans.  He was, as always, looking for ways to increase the effectiveness of the SC, and was willing to do whatever he could, and through any means necessary, to ensure it.  

The next thing that caught my attention is the glare Levi and Erwin share during the trio’s introduction to the rest of the soldiers.  Erwin’s right in front of Levi, standing there, reminding him of his anger and humiliation no doubt, and I think that leads directly into and impacts the next scene, when Flagon shows them their sleeping arrangements.  Levi’s already no doubt irritated by having to see Erwin again, and then Flagon makes his frankly deeply disparaging remark about Levi and his friends having spent their whole lives living in a trash heap, implying that they’re filthy gutter trash, and so surely are incapable of keeping themselves and their environment clean.  Levi, understandably, reacts badly to this, and gets in Flagon’s face, asking him what he just said, before Furlan intervenes.  When you consider the way Erwin already made Levi feel so humiliated and Levi’s subsequent anger at it, then having to see Erwin again not long before this scene, and hearing Flagon just callously make an accusation like that must have only infuriated Levi more.  I think, once again, the manga is doing an infinitely better job of portraying the tension, then, that’s starting to form between Levi and Furlan.  Furlan scolds Levi after Flagon leaves, almost talking down to him when he says “Didn’t I tell you not to cause trouble?!”.  Almost like he’s talking to some misbehaving little kid.  Levi’s expression in the following panel says a lot, I think.  Levi looks almost chastised, like he knows he’s upset Furlan, before he tries to explain himself, asking Furlan “Didn’t you hear how he talked about us?  Like shit calling shit dirty.”.  It’s really interesting what this says about the power dynamic in their relationship.  Levi is ostensibly the leader of their group, but Furlan’s acting, in a lot of ways, like he’s the one in charge and he expects Levi to fall in line.  Clearly, he’s not afraid of scolding Levi, or challenging him.  All of Furlan’s insistence that they lay low and not do anything to draw attention to themselves must only be chaffing though at Levi’s already heated feelings about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, how they’re being talked down to, etc...  It must be galling to him, to see Furlan not seeming to care that they’re all being so deeply disrespected.  But he still continues to defer to Furlan, and agree to go along with his plan for now, though he makes his displeasure known by calling it a pain in the ass.

But seeing Erwin, and then being treated the way they were by Flagon, seems to have rekindled Levi’s desire to take his revenge, and he reminds Furlan that he’ll continue to go along with his plan, but that he’s still going to kill Erwin.  Once again, we see Levi being pulled in two different directions.  He’s giving priority to Furlan’s plans and wishes, but he’s still thinking about getting Erwin back.  He’s annoyed that they weren’t assigned to Erwin’s squad, probably because it means it’s going to limit their contact, giving him less opportunities to kill him.  Another line that I think signifies Lev’s annoyance at Furlan and how, well, dismissive he is of Levi’s own feelings, is after he tells them they have to clean the area around their beds before leaving for training, and in response to Isabel’s protests, he says “You wouldn’t want me to cause trouble, would you?”.  He’s throwing Furlan’s words back in his face here, and it seems clear to me that Levi is frustrated and doesn’t appreciate the way Furlan’s been talking to him, or how little consideration for his own wishes he’s shown.  There’s a lot of tension there.

Another really important scene is the one in the training yard, so I’ll got through it here.

Particularly when Isabel is talking to the Scout helping her with horse riding, and they get to talking about life in the Underground, and then Levi.  What Isabel says, and the visual of the panel here, is particularly powerful.  She says “It got so I thought I was gonna die.  But life’s a little better since Levi saved me from that.”.  And we see in the panel Levi lifting Isabels’ head up, obviously checking if she’s alive.  There’s all these people, collapsed around her, and the fact that Levi is checking to see if she’s alive is interesting, because it makes me think this is something Levi would regularly do.  That he would check to see if anyone was alive when he came across people collapsed in the streets.  It’s probably not unusual to come across dead bodies in the Underground, and for someone like Levi, who’s lived there all his life, he’s no doubt seen plenty.  The fact he checks Isabel shows a lack of callousness towards the sight, which is incredible, to not become uncaring or apathetic towards suffering, even when you’re surrounded by it your whole life.  It’s a highly unusual quality to have, but of course, it makes perfect sense for Levi, who’s so full of compassion.  

Nevertheless, it would have been simpler for him to just keep moving and ignore her, but instead he stopped, and when he discovered she was still alive, he took her in and gave her food and shelter and a home.  She would have died otherwise.  Levi had no obligation towards her, he had no, really good reason to do something so selfless, and yet, he did.  And this truly is remarkable, especially when you consider the kind of cut throat world Levi grew up in, the kind of ruthless people he’d encountered, and even lived with, like Kenny, all his life.

Then there’s Furlan’s discussion with another soldier, and his story about Levi.  The most interesting thing Furlan says here is how, after his own friends turned on him, he’s followed Levi ever since.  And then he says “Though it might be problematic making him any kind of leader!”.  It’s interesting what this reveals to us about Levi.  People want to follow him because he’s so strong, but Levi himself has no desire for power, or control over others.  People willingly attach themselves to him, because they think Levi can protect them, but Levi isn’t any kind of natural leader.  So we know Levi was more or less forced into the role of leader by way of others seeking him out and assigning him that role.  What’s interesting about this is how it, once again, reveals the kind of person Levi is.  He could easily have rejected all of these people and abandoned them.  One thing we know is that Levi didn’t need any help surviving on his own in the Underground.  But instead Levi allows them to stay with him and willingly offers his help and protection, and though it’s probably more of a pain and a nuisance to him than anything else.  It shows that Levi’s never been able to turn away from those seeking his help.

Which leads nicely into the next scene.  

I’ve talked about this scene before, and how disappointed I was that they didn’t include it in the OVA.  This also wasn’t included in the visual novel, which is, once more, just another way in which the manga is superior.  

Flagon is once again criticizing Levi for holding his blades “wrong”, telling him he’s going to end up getting killed outside the walls.  And then the training exercise begins, and we see one of the other soldiers trying to compete with Levi, and growing increasingly incensed and annoyed at Levi’s prowess.  He thinks “These vagrants with no knowledge as soldiers...” and then “I trained half to death, and these criminals think they’re better?!”.  What’s interesting is to see that while this soldier is fuming internally over Levi’s perceived slight of him, glaring at him angrily, Levi clearly hasn’t even taken notice of him.  This isn’t a competition to Levi at all.  He’s just there to do the exercises.  He’s staring straight ahead, blank faced as always.  

Now what happens next is once more hugely revealing as to Levi’s character.  The infuriated soldier decides he’s not going to accept that Levi’s better than him, and so he intentionally pushes off of a tree and cuts Levi off mid-flight. What struck me about this is how incredibly dangerous it was.  Levi’s going, presumably, full speed, through this obstacle course, and this dude, out of petty jealousy, cuts him off by flying right in front of and past him, forcing Levi to pull back and change direction.  A stunt like this could have easily resulted in serious injury for Levi, or even death, if he weren’t as gifted as he is.  To top it off, this soldier then brags about it, calling out to Levi “Don’t get left behind!”.  Of course, his arrogance leads to immediate disaster, as the soldier that went through the course before lost one of their blades in the dummy Titan, and this dude’s flying towards it at top speed, with no way to stop himself or change direction in time.  He’s about to be impaled by a blade.  Considering the danger he’s just placed Levi in, then, it truly is a testament to Levi’s goodness, that he launches off the tree he’s stopped on, racing ahead and slicing the stray blade free before the other soldier can make contact, resulting in him harmlessly crashing into the pad, instead of dying.  This really shows how Levi’s first instinct is always to help others.  Even when others have just not only treated him badly, but even endangered his life.  He doesn’t owe this soldier anything, and by all rights should be extremely pissed at him for his petty display before.  But instead Levi just automatically reacts to his life being threatened by saving the man.  He doesn’t even scold him afterward or express anger, just flies off and continues the course.  

What makes this whole thing kind of sad is both the soldier’s and Flagon’s reaction to this.  The soldier is still angry and upset over Levi’s superior ability, wondering how he can be so fast, not even sparring a thought of appreciation for him just saving his life.  And then Flagon grudgingly admits to Levi’s fighting prowess, but continues to doubt him and his ability to stay disciplined.  Even after saving one of his own men’s lives, he still continues to look down on Levi.  That’s pretty messed up. Levi glares back at him after, as if to say “Who’s the one who’s going to get people killed out there?”.  Levi saved a soldiers life, while Flagon could only sit and watch.  It’s interesting too how this, tragically, foreshadows what’s to come though, with Levi not being able to save the people he cares the most about.  But we’ll get into that when we get there.

Also, just gotta mention also the way Levi reacts to Isabel’s getting upset after he bonks her in the head and calls her stupid.  He looks surprised when she starts crying, and it’s clear he didn’t mean to actually hurt her feelings, and it’s just really sweet, the way he rubs her head after.  He obviously felt bad.

5. Chapter 4: Proof

Alright, just a few things to say about chapter 4 of “No Regrets”.  

One thing that I love that was in the manga that, once again, wasn’t in the visual novel, was Levi’s reaction as they ride out from Shinganshina, as well as Furlan’s and Isabel’s.  This kind of internal exploration of these characters who had never been to the surface, who had spent their whole lives in darkness, getting to see the sky for the first time, was something that was entirely absent from the visual novel, and it’s one of its biggest weaknesses.  But here, we see Levi looking up at the stone structure of the wall gate, and for a moment, he imagines the ceiling of the Underground, before they emerge out into the open and the full view of the sky appears for the first time.  Levi squints up at the glaring sun, and we see an expression of genuine awe and amazement on his face, as well as Furlan and Isabel.  This is the first time any of them have experienced anything like this, and the overwhelming beauty of it for them is wonderfully visualized here.  The way Levi goes from seeing the claustrophobia and imprisonment of the Underground, and how that opens up into a clear, blue, ending sky, really symbolizes him experiencing for the first time in his life a kind of freedom he’s never before had.  And there’s something incredibly moving, but also incredibly tragic about that.

Now another point I want to address, where the manga and anime both differ from the visual novel, in a really vital way, is how here, we see Furlan lamenting that they’ve left the walls, saying “This is terrible.  I never meant to leave the walls.  If we’d followed the plan, we would have grabbed them and snuck away by now!”.  This shows that they’ve been looking for the documents in vain for several months now, and still have yet to find them.  Furlan’s plan had obviously originally been to find them and then get out of dodge, but because they weren’t able, they ended up having to wait around longer, until the time came for the expedition.  Now how this is presented in the visual novel really struck me as horrifically out of character for Levi.  In the novel, it’s explained that the reason they haven’t left is because Levi kept insisting that he had to kill Erwin, refusing to leave until he could do so, and if not for that, Furlan would have forgotten about the documents and simply had them all desert the SC, back to the Underground.   Levi intentionally ignoring the safety of his friends for revenge on Erwin really goes against everything we know about him from canon, and was a pretty glaring detail, so I’m glad they nixed that here.  There’s no mention of Levi forcing them to stay because of his need for revenge, but rather an implication that none of them were willing to leave until they got the documents.  They took this a step further in the OVA even, with that one scene in which Levi argues with Furlan and Isabel, insisting that if it comes to them having to leave the walls, he’s going to go alone, and he wants them to stay behind.  This really is an important distinction to make in Levi’s characterization.  We know he always places the safety of his comrades above all else, if he can, and tries his best to keep them alive.  And the whole reason he agreed to Furlan’s plan in the first place was because he wanted to help Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream of living up above come true.  He would never purposefully endanger their lives, or so thoughtlessly dismiss their safety.  This is something which gets further corrected later in the story, too, when Levi makes his fateful choice, and I’ll get more into it there as well.  One detail though is how Levi tells Furlan not to worry, that he’ll “do something about the Titans.”.  Levi clearly believes in his own strength, and believes it will be enough to protect his friends at this point, which goes back to the theme of him struggling to know which is better to rely on, oneself, or ones comrades.  Here, he’s relying on himself to protect them.  He asks Furlan “Don’t you trust me?”.  He’s reminding Furlan that he’s never let him down before, and he promises he won’t now either.  

We see Furlan later finding that full trust again, when Levi engages with the abnormal titan, and sees his fearlessness, giving him his own strength to fight.  It speaks volumes about the kind of camaraderie shared between all three of them, that they’re able to work so smoothly and effectively together the first time any of them have ever fought a Titan, and how deeply Furlan and Isabel trust Levi to get them through any dangerous situation, as they willingly follow him into battle.

6. Chapter 5: Hearts

Alright, onto chapter 5 of “No Regrets” and then I’ll do the last three chapters tomorrow.

The first thing I took note of was how after everyone gets to the castle ruins, Levi reminds Furlan and Isabel that they’re still outside the walls, and that anything could happen, so they should “stay sharp.”.  Once again we see Levi being concerned with the safety of his friends, remind them not to put their guards down.  This leads into the next scene, where Furlan remarks that he never thought they’d be able to stop a titan so easily, and reaffirms his faith in Levi’s strength by saying as long as Levi’s with them, they’ll survive somehow.  Levi responds to this with some self-doubt, which is really interesting and will tie into some other observations I’ve made about this chapter, later on.  He says if there’s more than one of those abnormal titans, he’s not so sure they’ll be alright.  Clearly, he’s concerned for the wellbeing of his friends while they’re on the outside like this.  He doesn’t feel totally confident.

He then asks Furlan if he’s sure Erwin’s brought the documents with him outside the Walls, which tells us that they’ve obviously had previous discussions about this, that it was a group decision between them, of the necessity of leaving the walls in order to get close enough to Erwin to get the papers.  Furlan says he made sure, talking about how he searched Erwin’s office top to bottom, observing that he found a bunch of unrelated documents, and in particular, a locked drawer which he found suspicious.  Now what I find interesting here is Furlan’s internal thoughts, because I think he realized Erwin’s intentions already, but he dismissed his suspicions based on them seeming unlikely to him.  But in his memory, he thinks, when he sees the locked drawer, that it’s almost like it was made to be searched, and upon opening it, he finds plenty of secret looking documents, but not the ones they need. He then wonders if Erwin is trying to tell him that they’re not there.  What’s so interesting about this is just how deep is shows Erwin’s manipulation of this situation actually goes, and how many steps ahead he actually is. We saw in chapter 3 how Erwin was standing at his office window, observing Furlan, which tells us that he was always aware that Furlan was going to try and find the documents, which in turn lead to Erwin arranging his office to nudge Furlan in the right direction, of thinking the documents aren’t anywhere at HQ.  Furlan picks up on this possibility, that Erwin is in fact manipulating them, wondering to himself if Erwin WANTS him to think he has the papers on him, giving him the “run around”, but he dismisses the thought out of hand a moment later.  What this tells me is just how in control Erwin is here, and it made me think that it’s possible Erwin influenced Furlan’s thinking in this direction, to assuming Erwin had the papers with him, as a means of keeping him, Levi and Isabel there in the military longer, delaying their escape, so that he could intentionally force them outside the walls on an expedition, so he could see what they were actually capable of.  At the end of chapter 4, after seeing Levi take down that abnormal titan, he observes to himself, “So your wings are the real thing, after all, Levi.”.  This is just speculation on my part, but given what a masterful manipulator Erwin really is, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was his plan the whole time, knowing Levi and his friends wouldn’t and couldn’t leave until they had the documents.

Alright, next observation. It’s kind of funny how, after laying out his plan to search Erwin’s bags with Isabel, and asking Levi to guard the passageway Erwin went down with Shadis, and to stop him if he started to come back before they were finished, Levi’s first assumption is that he should start a fight with Erwin, lol.

More interesting is when Furlan says to Levi “Don’t kill him, even by accident.  After all, if we lose an officer outside the walls, we’ll be in trouble, too.”.  Because it tells us that they weren’t ever planning on killing Erwin outside of the walls when they went out on expedition.  The goal was to try and find the documents, and hoping going beyond the walls would yield an opportunity to do so.  This is another, vital change from the visual novel.  In that, Levi is still obsessing over killing Erwin, over any consideration for the original plan, ranting even that he’s going to make Erwin get down on his knees and beg for his life before killing him, and that just struck me as wildly out of character for him.  They wisely took out that entire piece of dialog here, and instead we lead into a scene of Levi guarding the passageway, and remembering the whole reason for why he agreed to come to the surface in the first place. We go into a flashback of Lovof’s messenger making contact with Levi and the others, propositioning them with Lovof’s commission.  What’s really important in this scene is Levi’s initial reaction to the proposal. He’s immediately skeptical and disbelieving, and doesn’t want anything to do with it.  He tells the messenger so, and tells him “Go back up there and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”.  Levi shows great instincts here, sensing the danger present for him and his friends, and outright rejects any association.  It’s Furlan, then, who steps in and shows interest in the deal, calling the messenger back.  Levi’s clearly confused, but yields to Furlan’s look, and Furlan proceeds to tell the messenger that they’ll have to think about it, but that they’re interested. Levi’s clearly not happy about this, and once the messenger leaves, he begins to protest, but Furlan cuts him off and starts to lay out his plan to tail the messenger to find out who his employer is.  Isabel expresses disbelief that Furlan actually means to go through with this plan, and Furlan again brings up the dream of making it out of the Underground, talking about how rare a chance it is, to actually live in the Capital, obviously trying to entice both Levi and Isabel with the notion.  Levi points out that even if they get the documents, it’ll just lead to them being Lovof’s next targets, and Furlan responds with his plan to blackmail Lovof instead.  Levi’s still dubious on this idea, asking Furlan if he really thinks “those pigs will care about a threat from the Underground?”, and Furlan responds that it’s worth a shot.  He then implores Levi and Isabel again, saying “Come on, you two, don’t you want to make it up there?”, and we cut back to Levi in the present, contemplating Furlan’s words.  Again, we see Levi thinking long and hard on Furlan’s dreams here, over any thoughts he has of Erwin or revenge.  He’s prioritizing Furlan’s wishes over his own still, thoughts occupied by what his friend wants.

Now, this leads into a really interesting and meaningful encounter with Erwin.

Well, the first thing I notice in the exchange is when Erwin calls Levi’s friends his “subordinates”, and Levi responds with “They’re not my subordinates…”.  This tells us so much about how he views himself in relation to Furlan and Isabel.  He doesn’t see himself as their leader.  He doesn’t want to control them.  He just sees himself as their friend, and protector.

Now the conversation between Levi and Erwin gets really interesting when Erwin starts talking about having seen Levi take down the abnormal titan from earlier, and he observes that with a natural like Levi around, the others must feel safer.  Levi looks at Erwin with wide eyes, before responding to him that the reason he was able to figure out how to fight that titan before was because he watched how it moved as it ate another soldier.  I think Levi’s feelings of guilt here are pretty obvious.  He feels bad for having watched another soldier die, and using his observations while watching to figure out how to kill the titan.  It’s like he’s arguing with Erwin here, telling him the others shouldn’t feel safer with him around, that they shouldn’t rely on him.  Levi is showing doubt in himself here, again, just like earlier when he pushed back again Furlan’s claims that as long as he’s with them, they’ll be safe.  Interestingly, it’s Erwin who essentially tells Levi here that he shouldn’t feel guilty, that the SC is built on those types of sacrifices, and that as long as they’re fighting to take back the world for humanity, none of the soldiers there would feel regret for dedicating themselves to such a cause.   I think this is actually the start of the turning point in how Levi views Erwin.  He looks at him here with an almost astonished expression, like he’s seeing Erwin in a sudden, new light.  Like he’s starting to doubt his own, initial impressions of him, and wonder if maybe he wasn’t totally right.  But before he can think on it further, Isabel shows up and calls him away.

Levi then learns that Furlan and Isabel weren’t able to find the documents, essentially confirming that if they’re anywhere, they have to be on Erwin’s person, which leads to the inevitability of having to kill him if they want to get their hands on the papers. Levi’s find with this, because it’s what he wants to do anyway, even as Furlan shows continued apprehension.

And then we get the scene with Hange.

It’s pretty funny that Levi was about to gut Hange, for real, when he thought she had overheard their conversation.  It tells us how far he’s willing to go though to protect his friends.

Still, this whole scene is actually pretty moving, in its way.  Because Hange is really the first person to express genuine gratitude towards Levi and his friends, and treat them as genuine equals, to which we see Isabel in particular respond after seemingly being unimpressed.   Even Levi seems stunned, muttering out “thanks”, like he doesn’t know what else to say as Hange heaps praise on them.  It’s also funny how Furlan has to remind Levi to “be nice.”.  Poor Levi just doesn’t know how to socialize.

But the important part of this scene is when Hange points out how everyone there is wanting to know how Levi was able to take down a titan so easily, drawing their attention, and Levi’s in particular, to the other soldiers watching them.  Hange affirms what Erwin had said to Levi earlier, about how his presence there made the others feel safer, when she says “You’ve given them hope that humans don’t have to lose to the titans if we fight correctly.”. And we see here, I think, the first seeds being planted in Levi’s mind that he might be able to do more, that he might be able to actually help these people.  He’s been told as much twice in quick succession.  I think this is where Levi starts to get the idea for the first time that he might have found somewhere where he belongs.  We’ll get more into this next chapter, when I talk about his conversation with Isabel.  But for now, after Hange asks him again if he has any advice, he tells them he just has his own way of doing things, and he can’t teach it to anybody.  When she tries to insist, he blows her off and looks away.  

Furlan asks Levi, after Hange leaves, what the big deal is in just showing them some simple trick, and Levi says he doesn’t want to be responsible for the loves of anyone other than you two.  This is really important, because it again tells us a lot about Levi’s psychology here. He doesn’t want to teach these people how to fight because he doesn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt or killed.  Just as he expressed discomfort earlier with what Erwin said, and his own sense of guilt over how he figured out how to fight the titan, Levi really seems to me like he’s afraid here of failing to protect others, and actually harbors deep doubts about his own ability to do so.  So even as we know people tend to flock around Levi and follow him in the belief he can protect them, Levi himself is afraid that he isn’t strong enough to help them the way they want him to.  It’s indicative of someone who’s experienced deep loss in their life, which we know Levi has at this point.  Someone who’s afraid of making attachments because he doesn’t want to have to experience the pain of that loss ever again.  And it shows a painful insecurity in Levi.  He wants to help people, but he doesn’t want to end up failing them, or doing something which could lead to them getting hurt or killed.  He doesn’t want to be responsible for their lives, because he’s afraid he can’t be.  

Furlan tells him not to be so dramatic, and Levi doesn’t say anything in return, but we see a resigned, saddened look on his face, like he knows Furlan wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain how he feels.

Then we get Isabel’s comment about not understanding trying to take back the world for humanity, but her starting to realize the Scouts genuinely believe in what they’re doing. We see Levi’s silence again in response, but this one is more contemplative.  He himself is starting to realize the same as Isabel.  That these people really believe in what they’re saying.  And again we go back to the first seeds of a sense of belonging starting to develop in Levi, even before his big moment with Erwin at the end.  He’s starting to sense that maybe he’s found a place where he belongs, where he can actually use his abilities in a way that could make an actual difference in the world. It’s subconscious at this point, but Levi is starting to get that sense I think.

7. Chapter 6: Living Creatures

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present.  I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence.  Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here.  This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he’s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it.  Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself.  The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel.  The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface.  He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope.  He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for.  Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.  

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does.  For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him.  In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives.  He’s someone who can inspire hope.  Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do.  And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves.  And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc…  It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature.  This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.  

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion.  Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades).  But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive.  Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do.  Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good.  Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned.  He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him.  But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above.  She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom.  And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there.  It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning.  By making it to the surface FOR THEM.  She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them.  He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment.  Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her.  Her feelings are his own.  Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words.  She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important.  He says “I’ve got to revise our plan.  We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.”  Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for.  They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital.  This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal.  What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan.  While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.  

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully.  He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation.  We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind.  Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead.  Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.  

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm.  In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad.  It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here.  Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated.  He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other.  He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet.  Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel.  I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

8. Chapter 7: Those Three

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter.  I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone.  Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.  

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all.  There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other.  Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it.  That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences.  Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it.  To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought.  It’s just awful characterization.  And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif.  It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control.  It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time.  Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point.  He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides.  Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation.  Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.  

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off.  Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group.  Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon.  Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.”  This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically.  He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own.  He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself.  Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle.  He tells himself “Which is it?  Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him.  He’s agonizing over it.  And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission.  Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is.  To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves.  Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted.  To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives.  He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true.  Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed.  Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true.  And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality.  To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin.  It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him.  If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder.  If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part.  It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes.  And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic.  Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved.  He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself.  It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor.  It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.  

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon.  He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do.  Not kill Erwin.  It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here.  And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him.  In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam.  He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable.  He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can.  He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”.  He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does.  Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up.  He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself.  And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”.  He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief.  Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that?  I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.  

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader.  He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that.  But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual.  He’s bad at expressing himself.  He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest.  He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him.  And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs.  Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even.  He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration.  That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly.  Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine.  I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan.  Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now.  And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him.  Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die.  He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own.  But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends.  He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does.  It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger.  With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die.  If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left.  He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!!  Levi will come back.  Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above.  Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam.  He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.  

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die.  For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone.  How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here.  She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying.  All of this happens in front of Levi.  He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.”  Before screaming out Furlan’s name.  Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay.  This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends.  He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan.  Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.  

9. Chapter 8: Choices

Alright, and now I’ve reached the final chapter of “No Regrets”, so let’s just dive right in!

There really is so much more to unpack from this story than I think people realize.

Firstly, just a few, truly devastating observations I want to talk about.

The first one being how, even after Furlan gets swallowed by the Titan, Levi still believes he can save him. The fact that he cuts the Titan open from the chest down to his sternum, and free’s Furlan’s arm, and the panels which show Levi reaching out for his hand and ripping him from the Titan’s stomach is just… so heartbreaking.  The way too that he gently carry’s him back to the ground and lays him out, only to discover that his entire lower half is gone, and he’s dead, just the level of trauma you know this must be causing Levi is immense, and beyond tragic.  This is one of only two, true friends in his life, and he’s so desperate to have been able to save him, that he clings on to the possibility to the bitter end, until he’s forced to face the bleak reality. Levi’s devastation is really brilliantly depicted in how he wobbles, as if his knees are weak, when he stands back up.

And then of course comes Levi’s rage, and how he takes it out on the Titans, expressing his grief and pain in the only way he knows how, through violence.  

But maybe the most heartbreaking moment here comes once he’s through killing every Titan there, and he starts to stumble away, and his foot comes into contact with Isabel’s severed head. This is, once more, another area in which the manga improved hugely over the visual novel.  

Levi’s reaction here is just… the most heartbreaking thing ever.  The way he stares when he realizes he’s looking at Isabel’s head, and then falls to his knees, his overwhelming grief here is just so beautifully depicted in these panels, as he reaches out a hand to cover her eyes, and then slides them closed, in an attempt to give her some sort of dignity in death.  The way he can’t even look at her, just doubled over in his grief, just killed me to see.  It’s so unspeakably sad, and conveys to us readers the true depth of Levi’s despair, I think.

And then we move on from this horrific grief, to the climactic moment of the story, when Levi and Erwin again come together, and we see Levi’s overwhelming rage.  Again, this entire scene was a massive improvement over the visual novel.  Well, for starters, in the visual novel, they had Levi cut Erwin’s horse down to bring him to the ground, and again, that’s just so out of character.  Luckily, they fixed that here too, with Levi simply leaping up and dragging Erwin off his horse.

These panels really are amazing too is showing Levi’s intense rage, as he warns Mike to back the hell off, and brings his blade to Erwin’s neck.

What’s really interesting here is what Levi says.  

After the struggle of the choice he made, before Furlan and Isabel were killed, after giving so much consideration and choosing based largely on their own dreams and wishes, Levi tells Erwin here “I’m going to kill you, you bastard.  That’s why I’m here.”.  And Erwin responds, after studying Levi a moment, “So they… all died? I see.”.  Erwin gleans here, both from Levi’s words and expression, that his friends have died, and what he says indicates that he knows the only reason Levi hasn’t tried to kill him before now is because Furlan’s and Isabel’s own well being and their own dreams were the only thing holding Levi back.  Levi made no attempt on Erwin’s life before because he was placing Furlan’s and Isabel’s wishes above his own, but now that they’re gone, there’s nothing to keep Levi from acting out his revenge.  

This is also where we get Erwin’s full reveal of just how in control of this entire situation he’s been this whole time, and how he manipulated every player and outcome to his desires.

This really isn’t something I see get discussed a whole lot when talking about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and how it started out.  But, unquestionably, Erwin used Levi and his friends against their consent, to achieve his own ends.  He set the whole thing up, from first spreading rumors about having some sort of evidence against Lovof’s embezzlement, to then spreading the information that he was looking to recruit Levi and his friends from the Underground, thereby giving Lovof the very idea of going to them to obtain his own proof of the evidence’s existence, while simultaneously leading Erwin to the definitive proof he sought by following the messenger Lovof sent and intercepting him.  At the same time, giving Erwin a means of throwing Lovof off by using Levi, Furlan and Isabel for cover.  It really is incredibly impressive, but also heartbreaking, the way Erwin used Levi and his friends to his own ends, but of course, perfectly in character for Erwin too, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. It begs certain questions though about the equality between Erwin and Levi, at least at the start of their relationship.  Erwin clearly had the control and power in this situation, and though clearly he never meant for Furlan and Isabel to die, still, his decision to rope Levi and them into his plans to catch Lovof and also to gain their strength and skill for the SC, did lead indirectly to their deaths.  Surely, if Erwin had never meddled in their lives, and used them as tools, they would have all still been alive in the Underground.  

But of course, this leads into a really interesting clash, then, between Levi and Erwin, and where we see Erwin win Levi over to his cause.  This is, as is becoming a redundant theme of my analysis here, a giant improvement over the visual novel.  There, it makes it seems as if Levi decides to follow Erwin only because Erwin has something Levi lacks, and until he can figure out what that something is, he won’t be able to “defeat him”, implying that Levi is still somehow obsessed with beating Erwin in some way.  Like he isn’t joining Erwin to fight for his dream of a better world, but because he wants to figure out what Erwin has that he doesn’t, so he can become superior, or whatever.  But here, in the manga, Levi’s reasons for deciding to follow Erwin are much more complex, and tied in with his own personal drive of wanting to help and save others, and into his relationship with Furlan and Isabel.  

Levi tells him “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives!  They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game.  Well, you lose.”, right before he means to take Erwin’s head off.

What’s interesting here is Erwin’s response.  He doesn’t try to deny to Levi that he used Furlan and Isabel and Levi himself as pawns. He doesn’t argue, or try to defend himself on that front.  What he takes issue with is Levi calling the reasons for it a “worthless game”.

Erwin’s entire speech to Levi here really builds off of the feelings Levi had already started to develop, about feeling like he had maybe found a place to belong, where he could maximize the good he could do.  This wasn’t yet a fully formed idea in Levi’s head, up to this point, but the seeds of it had started to form.

Erwin asks Levi who’s responsible for killing his friends.  He asks if it was him, if it was Levi, and then he asks if he really thought that if they had come together to attack Erwin, that they would have made it out alive.  

This is what Levi is beating himself up over, of course.  The belief that he made the wrong decision, in leaving Furlan and Isabel behind, thinking to himself if they hadn’t split up, they would still be alive.  He blames himself for how he came to that decision, and starts to say as much to Erwin here, saying it was his conceit and his pride that was to blame, no doubt thinking of how it was his memory of Erwin and the humiliation he caused Levi that was the final tipping point which decided him in favor of going after Erwin himself, and also how he simply convinced himself that he would be able to shoulder all of the responsibility himself in such a dire situation, remembering how he told Furlan “I can do it by myself!” so insistently, asking him to trust him, to trust essentially in Levi’s strength.  To Levi, in this moment, his own strength must have seemed worthless suddenly, his belief in it leading to nothing but abject failure.   But then Erwin cuts him off and says, emphatically that, no, it was the Titans who killed them, before beginning to talk about how little they know about the Titans, and how if they continue to remain ignorant like that, they’ll never win against them.  He tells Levi to look around himself, and points out how, for as far as the eye can see, there are no walls, and then suggests that, in all that open space, there might be something they can find to free humanity from its despair and imprisonment.  And then he reminds Levi that there are people who want to stop this from this from happening, only concerned with their own profits and losses, content to stay where danger can’t reach them.  He shows sympathy, saying it’s understandable why they feel that way, because they’ve been blinded by the walls for a hundred years, and can’t see past their own survival.

And then he asks Levi if his eyes have remained clouded too.  He’s asking Levi here if he only knows how to live for himself, and if he’ll kill him and return to the Underground to continue to do so, after losing the two people he cared most about in this world.

But of course, Levi’s already learned how to live for people other than himself.  That was his whole reason for coming to the Surface in the first place.  In support and dedication to the hopes and dreams of his friends.  Levi’s eyes HAVEN’T been clouded, he’s already discovered and embraced what it means to give your life for others, already able to see past his own benefit.  

Erwin reminds Levi of that here, and tells him they won’t give up on going outside the walls, before asking Levi to fight with the Survey Corps, telling him “Humanity needs your skill!!”.  He reminds Levi, even after the loss of the two people whom he had been living for up to that point, that he can continue to live for others still, that he can still fight for the hopes and dreams of others, and that he doesn’t have to return to the life of isolation and loneliness and futility that he once lived, that he doesn’t have to return to simply surviving, or fighting only to survive. He’s reminding Levi that his life can mean more than that, just like he realized when he became friends with Isabel and Furlan.  That his life can have purpose, and that, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can do more even than help a few people.  He can, in fact, help all of humanity.  

The following panels show Levi coming to this realization.  He remembers Furlan and Isabel at his sides as they rode out into the open for the first time, into the first, true sense of freedom they had ever known, and their shared awe and wonder at the sight.  And Levi is realizing here, just as he had fought for his friends dreams of freedom, and of a better, more hopeful life, he can continue to fight for the same, only for everybody, for all people.  He can make the most of his abilities, and help the most people, by staying in the SC and fighting at Erwin’s side, fighting for Erwin’s vision of something beyond the walls, of a kind of salvation for humanity.

What Erwin gives Levi here, really, the thing Erwin gives Levi that he before lacked, is a sense of hope. A belief in his own ability to make a meaningful, positive impact on the lives of others.  It’s like Erwin’s own belief in that hope for humanity’s salvation is so strong, that Levi finds himself able to believe in it too, and he decides then and there that, for the sake of that hope, for the sake of the vision of something better, Levi will stay by Erwin’s side.  Because it’s what Levi’s always wanted to do, to fight for the hopes and dreams of others, to fight to make the lives of other people better, and Erwin has shown him the way to do so.  He shows Levi that Furlan and Isabel didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the sake of all human kind, and that’s why Levi is able to let go of his anger towards Erwin and follow him.  And that really feeds into Levi’s need, later on, for every soldier’s death to carry meaning.  If he can believe Furlan and Isabel died for a truly important reason, he can accept it and cope with his grief.  Like Isabel expressed herself before, these people genuinely believe their cause is worth dying for, and Erwin reminds Levi of this again.  

So he forgets his anger and pain, and chooses instead to follow Erwin, and dedicate himself to the cause of humanity’s salvation.  

The final panels of the manga are incredibly moving, with Levi slowing down behind Erwin and Mike, and glancing back one last time to where he lost his two, best friends, before looking away and riding on, as the sun shines through the clouds.  Like one, final acknowledgment of their lives together, and the sacrifice they made, before committing himself fully to his new life ahead.

10. Prologue

Just a small note on the prologue.  It opens up with Furlan and Isabel and Levi sitting beneath the only, real source of sunlight in the Underground, watching the birds in the sky.  Isabel wonders where they’re going, and Furlan answers “Far away... They can fly even beyond the walls.  To Places we couldn’t go eve with those machines.”  Isabel smiles, and says “Got that right!  Just you wait!  I’ll go with you someday.”, while Levi looks up into the sky, silent.  This is only further proof of how Furlan and Isabel both expressed their dream of someday making it on the surface, of achieving freedom from the prison of the Underground, and how Levi would sit and listen to them say things like this.  We see shots of just how grim and harsh the Underground really is here, with people lying passed out and sick in the streets, the pervasive, overwhelming darkness, and just overall depressing atmosphere.  It’s the kind of place that, clearly, robs people of their will to live.  Of any kind of hope.   It’s important to note that Levi himself never expresses any such dream, or desire.  He never voices that he wants to make it to the surface.  This is Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream, their hope, and Levi hears it from them seemingly often.  Probably, because of how hard his life has been, Levi’s never even considered it a real possibility, and so never even entertained the idea of it becoming real.  But for Furlan and Isabel, he was willing to try.  He went to the surface for them, to try and make their dream a reality.  

[gallavictorious]

For the Gallavich Ask - #’s 10, 11 & 22. 💕

10. Favourite headcanon

Going to cheat slightly by directing you towards this old ficlet and accompanying meta of mine, because it does remain my favourite, I think.

To offer something new... while Mickey certainly didn't have (or look for) any romantic connections or actual relationships down in Mexico he did hook up with people and was out, both as gay and as a bottom. On the one hand, this might be slightly unrealistic because I'm not sure the cartel would be super accepting of it, but anything else would feel like an unfortunate regression for Mickey and make his choice of giving everything else up to go help  Ian far less impactful, so this is my story and I'm sticking with it. I actually have quite a few thoughts on this, especially in relation to 11x03, and might develop it into meta proper at some point.

11. Favourite dialogue/line/quote

To be honest, most of my favourite instances of Gallavich communication are non-verbal – they say so much with just looks and expressions and sometimes little touches, and to me that's one of the most intriguing aspects of their relationship, and one of the aspects that make it seem the most natural and real. For instance, I love “he isn't afraid to kiss me” - not so much because the line itself is very special, but because of everything it signifies: Ian taking a stand for himself and pushing for more instead of allowing Mickey to entirely dictate the terms of their relationship. Now that he is reasonably confident that Mickey would like to kiss him and does have actual and very real feelings for Ian he is growing tired of Mickey's reticience, so the frustration is real – but the way (indirect but ultimately challenging) he puts his implied demand is designed to make giving in easy for Mickey. That's a strategically sound choice, of course, since it makes Ian getting what he wants all the likelier, but it's also kind of sweet? Ian calls Mickey out and he pushes, but he doesn't push too far and he still respect Mickey's boundaries. And then there's that look on Mickey's face... He knows exactly what Ian's really saying and asking for, and he has to concede that yeah, Ian's got a point. (Also he really, really wants to kiss Ian, and I guess that he, too, is getting pretty damned tired of pretending that he doen't.)

Somewhat in the same vein, the “Mick. Wait.” of 11x04 is just glorious. Ian knows he's being played but what can he do but give in? Not a damned thing, and that makes him so frustrated (partly because he can absolutely imagine that smug smirk on Mickey's face).

Other hits include:

“Hey, asshole, weren't you listening? We're doing a murder thing here.” That's right, Mickey, don't let Lip derail your homocidial scheme! Eyes on the prize! Also, way to include your fiancé in your plans! That's some proper relationshipping right there! As they saying goes, couples who kill old homophobic Nazi fathers stay together.

“That's gorgerous.” I love that Mickey feels comfortable enough to let himself care about flowers! Being vocal about his desire not only to have flowers but the right flowers! @dreamylyfe-x recently wrote a very nice meta on this. (I am totally planning to get back to that one and Have Opinions because it's a fascinating discussion, but I am also a total flake so yeah.) There's also something about Mickey having a casual and perfectly civil (until it isn't) interaction that doesn't involve crime or scams or violence that gets to me. (In a comparison I doubt anyone but me will get this line reminds me of Darth Vader's “Yes, Admiral, what is I?” in Empire Strikes back, another not at all important or special line that I absolutely adore. I'm not kidding, that's my favourite Vader line.)

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're the hipster shit, with the suspenders and the harp and all that, huh. Yeah, you're going to that.” Listen, very few things give me more life than Ian's absolute vindictive glee here. God, that smile! It makes me cackle in delight every damned time. You had it coming, Mick.

“I, Ian, take you, Mickey.” I don't have to explain this one to you guys. You know.

… oh were you supposed to pick one? Tough titties.

22. Favourite episode

I am very fond of 7x11, though I don't watch it nearly as often as I watch other episodes. The goodbye at the end is just too damn painful, even though it's incredibly beautiful and feels right. Them parting here always makes me think of Damon Salavatore's line in The Vampire Diaries: “It's right. Not just right now.” Oh, and a few lines from Alex the Astronaut's Happy Song: “you know that I love you / but I think it's over / will it still be over, always?” One day I will learn to make GIF:s and make a set to these lyrics, just see if I don't! (I probably won't.)

Ian's teary eyes and then that tremulous but genuinely happy and relieved smile as Mickey makes it across the border... There's so much love and loss and – I think – gratitude there; the sharp pain of saying a final farewell to someone you love mingling with the thankful joy of having known that love in the first place. And it's a moment of finding freedom for Ian, too; not because he's letting go of Mickey but because he's letting go of his old (and failed) strategy to deal with being seperated from him. No longer will he try to lessen the loss by lessening what they had; this time he allows his love for Mickey, allows it to matter and hurt, and he doesn't shy from the pain of seperation. Ungh. It's perfect, but it's heartbreaking. I can't imagine how I'd have reacted if I'd watched it as it aired, since it hits this hard even going into it knowing that Ian and Mickey will reunite.

Intrestingly enough, this episode doesn't contain one single of my favourite Gallavich scenes, but it just works very well as an episode. It encapsulates both their chaotic energy and their sweet tenderness, even as it illustrates their relevant differences, and it has a well-defined arc with a great (if painful) emotional pay-off. And the non-Gallavich stuff is very good too! (Contrast with 10x11, which I think have a good and well-contained Gallavich storyline with a nice payoff, and which incidentally contains both one of my favourite scenes – the flower shop – and one of my least favourite scenes – the caterer – but I am very meh about the non-Gallavich stuff.)

Also, Ian and Mickey also looks absolutely gorgerous in this one and there's manhandling. Surely that's as close to perfection as heaven will allow.

(The episodes I watch most often would probably be 3x03, 4x11, and 10x12.)

[thethreemages]

*rises from the grave to finally deliver on a certain new story arc chapter*

...Heeeey everybody lol I know this may not be something anyone expected in like, ages compared to my other recent TTM-content... but well, ever since my last chapter upload from maaany months ago... I've just continuously kept getting blocked from wanting to get back more into the main story, especially with the influx of developing lore and side casts I've been having fun with a bit more in comparison.

But well, after some more heavy thinking and reworking a bit of how I wanted to frame the next few bits of the story to go (while still keeping relatively faithful to my original concepts)... here's the official next part to keep the main story flowing with some rather "juicy" drama ahead~

((Here's the DA Link for the fic itself in case it gets too cut-off here-))

===========

The eerie stillness of the forest was something all too familiar to those raised around this trek of the woods… but this night in particular was getting all the more “curious” for what semblance of peace was broken left and right....

On one side, a noble prince and a gentle strength mage were connecting all the closer together as they were quietly walking through the woods.

On another, a fiery prince and a gruff healer mage were stumbling into the middle of an ominous find… enough to have stirred up some lingering “threats” following after them.

And finally, as of now… a cunning dark mage was finding herself apprehended by a group she once looked up to, respected, and trusted…

“-I will not say this again! Unhand Me. This. Instant!” Prym Fletcher hissed towards the pair of guards who were roughly escorting her back to the camp, feeling tempted to have blasted them back already with her magic… had it not been for a fierce pair of eyes ordering her to keep still.

“Save it, kid. You’ve snooped upon very classified information against official orders, you’re not leaving our sight.” Taiyin Zhou replied back with a firm tone, “You’re about lucky we haven’t already arrested you as is…”

“Ughhh, I’m telling you I did NOT snoop! I had simply stumbled across your camp by accident!” the young dark mage insisted, her voice already growing exasperated with frustration, “Why won’t you believe me?? I’m Lady Meradyth and Sir Luka’s daughter, for Saint’s sake-!”

Halting in her tracks upon hearing that, Taiyin only turned her head to give a… rather puzzled look, “Sir… Luka? Um, sorry but... no one’s ever been registered in our ranks with that name…”

Rightfully confused as ever by that response, Prym had taken the moment to shove off the guards restraining her as she offendedly exclaimed, “Wait… w-what?? Oh, now this has to be a damn joke… Luka was once one of your top members back in the day! Closest friend to Ivor and my mother Meradyth, what do you mean by ‘never been registered’??”

“-Look, I’ve been here in the Elite for a good number of years, kid... and I think I would know if I was aware of anyone named Luka,” Taiyin furrowed her gaze to Prym in a frustratedly tired way, almost reminding her of one of the strict & overworked teachers back at St. Ravilda’s, “I don’t know what else to tell ya on that front, but we’ll be the ones handling the questions here, thank you very much...”

The younger mage could feel her fists clenching in a rising anger towards this woman’s insensitivity… yet didn’t have time to make another retort as a pair of familiar faces joined to greet them from behind Taiyin.

There stood the imposing General himself, alongside the stoic Alastair who gave a quiet look of disapproval towards his comrade’s harshness to Prym. In the meantime, Ivor’s face seemed to twist with many mixed feelings upon seeing his daughter’s friend. Shock, disappointment, confusion… and perhaps even a bit of fear?

“Prym… what in the Saints’ good names are you doing out here??” Ivor shakily demanded to know, the stern fatherly side of his kicking into high gear as if she were his own child caught in the act, “I told you specifically to stay back at home where it’s safe! Don’t you know what kind of danger you’re putting yourself in, especially at this hour of night within these woods??”

“I… w-well,” Prym struggled at first to find the words, not wanting to risk giving away that Tula and the others were very much out there in the woods too… so, after taking a second to think and compose herself, she retorted back to him with an unamused tone of her own, “Hmpf… I suppose I should be more asking you the same question, Ivor. Don’t think I didn’t hear His Majesty giving you orders to collect this insidious-sounding ‘white plague’ for him… whatever the hell that means for his standards…”

“-Hey, what did I say about watching your tone, kid-!” Taiyin attempted to scold her… only for Alastair to hold up his hand to let the young girl speak her mind. Not exactly expecting Prym to have spun the question onto him now, Ivor gave a conflicted moment of silence… but eventually, an approving look from Alastair encouraged the hulking General the resolve to just admit what’s up, not seeing much else to lose now that she’s already here...

“The… white plague we were speaking of earlier, Prym… is a code name for this strand of white fungal root that had suddenly taken bloom within Graystone. These plants… they’re about the most devastating plant species our country’s faced in these past few decades… once was the stuff of legends within our oldest history books, but then… somehow some twisted, sick individuals decided to recreate these plants and spread them loose to cause countless amounts of destruction among the lands…”

Hearing of these plants made Prym’s eyes widen a bit in recognition… taking a moment to think on it, “Hold on, I… think I might’ve heard of such plants back in this one story Professor Blanchard once told us; an old crone who was jealous of the younger beauties in her town made up a mash of brew from these weird, white twigs so she could poison the girls, and absorb their own beauty to become a ‘goddess’. The plan backfired when it simply made the other men exposed to her inner flaws despite all her good looks, so she was cast off in a ritual fire to pay for her sins. Could… those perhaps be the white plague plants you were mentioning?”

One by one, Ivor and the others had given a nod of yes as Alastair floated up a steel box to open in display… revealing within a sealed-jar the shriveled up remains of a ghastly, half-rotted root… curled into a position like that of a crooked hand. Nauseating as the contents were to look at, the fact that this root was seemingly swimming in a sickeningly thick black liquid near the bottom didn’t help either…

“Indeed, Prym… this is the white plague we’ve been tasked by King Grayle to retrieve,” Ivor continued on to explain, “In our years of tracking them down, they’ve been linked to many terrible cases of people becoming infected when they didn’t expect it. Whether it’d be from injesting the root itself or the snow-like spores spread out into the air… its almost impossible to fully recover from it before its too late...”

“Yes… these roots were the ultimate cause of many terrible tragedies our country will never forget…” Alastair finally spoke up as cleared his throat, his tone serious yet solemn as ever, “Queen Elianne’s death, the double-crossed Wraith Night survivors, the village residents of Yulong…”

‘...Aevri’s hometown…’, Prym thought as she felt the tears prick to her eyes, remembering when her friend was given the grave news of her parents passing away of illness a few years back in school... so sudden and out of nowhere during a seemingly peaceful period of time. Long as it was since the last she saw Mr. and Mrs. Ren, Prym could still plainly recall them both being such kind, healthy-bodied people who wouldn’t hurt a fly… so hearing of them being the unsuspecting victims of such a ghastly plant this whole time was beyond tragic… “...even among our own ranks we’re all too familiar with white plague being inflicted right under us… ” Ivor admitted with a saddened tone, his gaze to Prym signifying she’d know who he’d talk about next, “The night Lady Meradyth had fled, the arrow blades recovered from the crime scene were found to be traced with this blackened poison linked back to the plague root… which, in connection to those other past incidents could only mean one thing..”

Not having to say another word, Alastair let his magic do the talking for him as he enchanted his glowing aura to shapeshift a group of silhouetted figures gathered together, each holding the white plague roots within their hands in an ominous, unified fashion. With that, signifying that whoever was perpetrating these white plague attacks… were all working together in a single, spread-out group.

Hearing all this was already pretty heavy for Prym to bear… breaking her more into confusion as she noticed Taiyin and Alastair turning to leave along with some other guards, “w-wait, where are you going?”

“Continuing the rest of the mission, kid.” Taiyin informed her, thankfully not as harshly as before but still firm enough to try and hold the young dark mage back.

“Yes, if our sensors are correct then its only a matter of time before these plague roots bloom upon the first morning hour. We must give haste at once.” Alastair joined with Taiyin as he packed some quick essentials nearby, looking over to his superior, “General, please inform us if anything stirs around this area while we’re gone, and we shall do the same in return.”

“Noted.” Ivor simply nodded as he gave some silent orders for the two to continue heading out. As much as a part of Prym wanted to say more in perhaps suggesting to go with them or however… her mind was still much too focused on the growing anger she had towards all these suspicions and secrets being kept from her. Not even letting Ivor reach to touch her shoulder in comfort, she had resigned to simply stomp towards the tent to cool off… the shining light of the moon following behind her.

——-

On another section of the sprawled forest, making their way through the thickets was Prince Elas and Tula… seeming to make good headway on the path they were on. Further back they had found some tracks being quite imposing enough to belong to no one else but Tula’s father,

“Okay, looks like it won’t be long to find Papa!” Tula had deducted, feeling some more confidence at finding another cluster of footprints up ahead, “my guess is that he might’ve set up camp just a few trees away, by this rate.”

“Indeed, I can’t say I can find much to disagree with that notion.” Elas gave an approving nod, analyzing some of the tracks for himself, “Seems to me he might’ve had some party members of his own crossing though here, so whatever he may be up to then he’s bound to not be alone…”

Looking on ahead in the direction they were headed to, something inside Tula was feeling… odd, and kind of confused as to how everything was going so smoothly at the moment. Perhaps… a bit too smoothly, as the forest seemed eerily still at this point in time.

“...Elas, does something seem ‘off’ to you?” the young Strength mage pondered, her gaze glancing around for any signs of possible life within the trees or bushes. At first, the prince didn’t seem to detect anything out of place as he stepped ahead… until his foot caught sight of something that made him jump back in shock.

“Oh good Saints, w-what in the world was...?” gathering himself to calm down, Elas took a closer look to find that his shoe had stepped into what looked like a puddle of thick, ghastly-white goo… the contents sizzling a bit under the glow of the moonlight above. Tula had curiously peaked over his shoulder to see what was up… only for them both to jolt back again once the puddle started to bubble and release a hissing, acidic green stench.

“-What is that stuff?? I-I’ve never seen anything like that in these woods!” Tula exclaimed with a clear worry in her tone, “Do you think any of the girls or Kain found-”

Halted in her thoughts was the ear-piercing shriek of something very much inhumane ringing throughout the trees, rattling both her and Elas from standing upright. Careful to at least not fall back in the goop behind them, the two helped pick the other up as within these shrieks, they heard the loud crashing and glowing of magic clashing near the distance ahead.

“-Kain!” Elas deducted, upon recognizing the reddish-orange glow from where he was standing, “He and Aevri must’ve found something dangerous up there, come on!” he encouraged to Tula while instinctively firing up some blue fire in his hands.

Answering back only with a firm nod, Tula didn’t take long to summon up her Strength gauntlets as the two of them hurried on to try and help the other mages. If only they had looked back behind them, they would’ve noticed how that white goo from earlier was beginning to fade away as a figure summoned it back into the darkness…

—-

The normally firm General was in quite an awkward spot having Prym stumbling upon such top secret info as she did… having hoped that tonight could’ve been just a simple detour mission without having to drag any of the kids along. And he knew that hearing the truth about the dangers of white plague had truly shaken her up… so, he knew that he couldn’t have any room to blame her for not being willing to talk to him at the moment while they were alone at the campsite.

A few more minutes would pass before he’d finally make the move to head inside the tent as well… looking to find Prym with her back turned from him, clearly lost in thought and conflicted.

“...Prym, I know what you may be thinking,” Ivor steadily began, trying to keep his tone as delicate as possible, “-But you must understand that this situation was... much too dire and dark for me to just confess it freely among you and the others back home. I simply wished to protect you all-“

“-Protect us from what, Ivor?” Prym finally spoke up, not so much defensively as much as she sounded… tired, “If you haven’t already noticed, me and the girls are not little kids anymore… if you truly meant to be on an important mission regarding these plague plants, then we could’ve understood if you simply told us. Otherwise I thought… well, with the King’s orders and that one lady’s coldness to me, I…”

“...I know. And for that as well, I deeply apologize...” the General lowered his head as he sighed, “Taiyin is quite a strong soldier, noble-hearted as well… but we’ve been meaning to correct her more about not letting her loyalty to the Elite get the better of her towards outsiders. I’ll be sure to have a talk with her when she gets back, I promise.”

Assuring as that thought was, as well as relieved at his genuine apologies… something in Prym’s mind was nagging at her to not let it go. Something regarding one, particular detail that wouldn’t leave her thoughts…

“...Ivor, earlier Lady Taiyin had given me this… really strange response to me mentioning my father Luka. Basically saying he… apparently never existed within the ranks.” Prym had turned to further face the general, looking up with a look of questioning, “You didn’t even directly say that he died within those other plague casualties, simply that there was poison found at that scene where Mother ran away. Is… there something you’re not telling me, Ivor...?”

“...Prym, n-now is not the time to-“ he looked quite shaken by her sudden accusation, but Prym continued to stand her ground further with a firm anger in her tone.

“-No. Now is more than the perfect time to explain- Why is it that all my life, I’ve been told my father was this grand, loving hero of the King’s Elite alongside my mother, giving his life to protect countless innocents… and yet now I learn that’s all apparently been one big lie?? Ivor, please what is the real truth here?? W-Was my father a true soldier, or not?? Was he working for some other party, dealing with some unsavory types?? Please, j-just tell me already, Ivor!”

Steadily her voice began to shake more to a near-sobbing tone, lip quivering as her mind was drifting to all sorts of possibilities… and one more question stuck out the most as she pitifully looked up to the older general,

“Ivor… is my father even alive…?”

Silence quickly fell upon the tent… as Ivor looked conflicted as to how exactly he should answer such a question, let alone in a situation like this. As the seconds were passing into a minute between them, Prym was afraid that… perhaps he wouldn’t give her an answer, that maybe it was a mistake to ask at all after she had already stepped out of line as is… until at last, the still air broke when Ivor delivered a simple, one word answer that changed everything…

“...yes…”

——-

On their end of the forests away from everyone else, things had… really picked up much more chaotically for Kain and Aevri, the two of them now lost in a battle between an eerie group of monsters clamoring around them. Resembling that of tall, ragdoll-like humanoids made of white tree bark… their gaping mouths and hollow eyes dripping with white goo could’ve easily shackled their two foes in complete fear, if they both weren’t so stuck in fighter mode right now.

“-Eat this, bitch!” Kain had exclaimed with some kicks and punches of his crystal magic blasts, encasing the tree-like creatures in red shards that pinned them all to the ground. Aevri in the meantime did her best to defend them both, having summoned her shields to ward off and slice away closing-in enemies.

“Ughhh, will you freaks get the damn hint already?? Piss off!” the Healer mage grunted, swiftly throwing her summoned-shield to knock back some of the foes before it flew back into her arms. Try as they might through their defenses, however… Aevri and Kain could only watch as the monsters had simply risen up more from the ground up, not even seeming phased by their earlier attacks.

“Oh for fuck’s sake… what the hell is keeping these things alive??” Kain cursed while powering up another set of crystal attacks, “Even a wyvern would’ve fallen down by now, shit!”

Before Aevri could’ve answered back with a possibly-snarky retort, their thoughts were halted as they saw a flurry of blue flames burning back the horde of monsters that tried to make a grab at the two… the sender revealing none other than Elas and Tula who had hurried on to join the battle.

“...Greeaaat, perfect timing, bro.” the younger Graystone prince flatly remarked with a roll of his eyes, his brother simply scoffing in response with a flick of his hair, “-Save the backtalk til after we’re safe, Kain.” Letting his companion Tula take the next step in pummeling down some of the creatures with her firsts, she at least gave a more grateful and relieved look to her healer friend at seeing her standing strong in the fight, “-Aevri! Thank the Saints you’re alright! I-I hope these things didn’t hurt you too much…”

“Pff, hey... what would it be a fight without a few scrapes?” Aevri joked a bit to lighten the mood, bringing a small smile to Tula’s face before the both of them turned to ward off the next wave of monsters. It almost seemed concerning just how much these things were reanimating up again despite the waves of attacks… only seeming to keep going and going within the next few minutes to pass.

All… until each of the tree dolls suddenly halted in their place like statues, the melting white goop re-materializing into their eye sockets properly as each of them stood up straight. Confusing the hell out of the mages that were fighting them, the four watched as these dolls started to assemble into some upright positions… almost like an army awaiting their leader approaching. And with a rustle of movement coming from the bushes from behind, that… actually seemed quite closer to the truth as a pair of footsteps came walking out from the dark.

“-Hey! Who’s there??” Aevri turned in the direction of the steps as did the rest of her party, all rearing for another big battle… but then pausing as they finally saw who it was. Turning out to be a pair of hooded, ominous figures greeting them in plain view… their features hidden from where they were standing a lil far back. All until they stepped further into the moonlight was it shown that they were both women, one of them covering their face with a featureless white doll mask… and the other simply smiling back in a rather calm, calculating way.

“Aww… whats wrong, little ones~?” the hooded figure with a mask tilted its head, giggling in a tone that sounded much too saccharine sweet, “Sister and I simply wanted to have a lil playtime with my babies here… don’t be so mean~”

Naturally, this quite frankly creeped out the young mages who were now all the more confused seeing the masked lady stepping over to gently caress one of the tree dolls, as if it were her most prized possession. Compared to everyone else ain was at least trying to mask his unnervedness by standing back more boldly,

“H-Hey, these things of yours attacked us first, lady… what the actual fuck are you on about-??”

“...Hmmmm, temper temper...” came the much more dignified voice of the other woman, shaking her head in Kain’s direction though that smile of hers still remained clear as day, “Is that any way to speak to your family… Kain?”

The once-fierce gaze in Kain’s eyes had… very much evaporated into a look of disbelief upon hearing that voice… the crystal auras in his hands disappearing as they dropped to his sides in shock, “...w-what…?”

Alarmed by his brother’s sudden distress, Elas had turned to try and step up in Kain’s defense as he demanded, “-What in the Saints’ good name are you on about?? Kain is my brother, and I do not recall either of you being anywhere near ‘family’!”

“-Shhhh, manners… young man~” whispered the masked-figure, holding a finger to her lips as all stilled around her… summoning an eerie aura that surrounded the other mages into freezing in place, much like the tree dolls. Unable to do anything but move their heads and faces, Tula, Elas and Aevri all looked on as only Kain was allowed to move on his own… yet all he could do was just shakily stand in place as the unmasked figure slowly approached him… again still smiling that damn smile of hers…

“-No, n-no no you can’t… you can’t be her…!” muttered the now-shaky voice of the usually-haughty prince… trembling as the figure was now up face-to-face with him. Even without being freeze-spelled like the others were, Kain could do nothing but stare as the figure reached up a hand to his face… gently caressing his cheek as her free hand moved to pull back her hood.

Now… there was really no doubt who exactly she was. The striking red hair, the ruby red lips, the amber eyes all too similar to Kain’s… save for the subtle signs of aging, he could never forget a face like that....

“Yes… it is me, my son~”

———

Millions of thoughts were running through Prym’s mind as she recalled what Ivor just confessed to her. Her father… her own father Luka… was alive all this time?? As much as she wanted to celebrate such news, another dark side of her was just reeling at the implications…

Where was her father, all this time she and her mother were in hiding? Why didn’t he come back for them? Was someone keeping him hostage, forcing him in place? What if… what if he willingly chose to abandon her? Not even sparing her a second thought, wherever he’s at now…?

Sensing the growing conflict growing within Prym, Ivor did his best to try and diffuse the situation as he reached to comfort her, “Prym, I… p-please try to understand-“

“-What IS there to understand, Ivor?? Nothing is making sense anymore!” the dark mage exclaimed as she threw up her hands, feeling her tears growing hot as she began to pace back and forth, “You say my father’s apparently alive all this time, but where in Terra IS he?? Obviously he’s not within the Elite ranks now, Mother hasn’t heard from him in ages, and none of the current Elite seem to know who he is! All I want now is the truth, and I want it now!”

“...” Ivor had grown quiet for the moment, heavily sighing as he gestured for Prym to follow him near one of the seats, “I… know this is very much against protocol, but… i-it’s about time you knew, Prym…”

As much as she would’ve liked to argue and stay pouting… the ever-curious side of Prym decided to relent in at least hearing his side of the story out, wiping away her tears with a still-determined look in her eyes. All she could do was watch on as Ivor went and grabbed an old wooden chest to carry over to her, opening the contents to pull out a sealed document folder hidden under some other papers and trinkets inside.

“Prym… your father was a man that had many burdens over him at his age,” the General began to explain, handing Prym the folder as he sat down next to her, “As much as he tried his best to fulfill his duties as a leader… others still feared and hated him for feeling like he took away what wasnt ‘rightfully’ his, on top of the already-detested dark magic he carried. And well… being his oldest friend, I knew that it wouldn’t be healthy for him to linger on all this bad press… so, it was my suggestion that he would involve himself more with our growing Elite forces, to help him lighten up from the stress of it all...”

Within her grasp, Prym flipped open the folder to see the first page contained a picture of Luka’s face on it, with the royal insignia of the Elite stamped below it. With a silent nod from Ivor, she flipped under it to see that inside held some various papers and photos from the old days of Luka’s younger years… from sparring with his troops, to happily posing with some grateful-looking civilians, to joining together with his team to stand vicariously together all at once.

“Overtime, your father grew to fit in well within the Elite for letting him express himself for who he was… beyond all the titles and dark magical stigmas, but as a loyal comrade who’d do anything for the good of Graystone. And since the local civilians didn’t seem to recognize him as a simple soldier like the rest of us, he had even felt comfortable enough to try and help out these communities through his own acts of vigilantism…” Ivor chuckled, unable to resist a small blissful smile at the memory, “Not too surprising that he and your mother grew to get along a lot well in that department, denying as they were at first...”

Pausing for a moment from browsing through the folder, Prym looked over to Ivor with a look of puzzlement, “...So, if you say my Father did all these great things for the people… why would they turn on him because he performed some darker magic spells than normal? I know Mother had mentioned that he enraged some uptight army for his necromancy, but…”

“...W-Well, truth be told, that... wasn't exactly the ‘full’ reason for his eventual attack, Prym...” Ivor admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, “Luka, well-meaning as he was… at the same time was always rather stubborn and reckless when it came to what he thought was the right thing to do, regardless of the possible consequences ahead. There was no better example for when he had stepped out of protocol in one of our missions against a local crime-lord of the downtown New Grayle district… Boss Byzantine.”

“Byzantine…?” Prym blinked, steadily recognizing that surname after a bit of thought, “-One of Kaz’s bully friends shared that name back in school… Cable Byzantine.”

“Ahh, yes… the Boss would’ve been Cable’s father, from what I recall of that man.” Ivor gave a nod of acknowledgement, “Often kept to himself apart from the few public appearances with his family… most wouldn’t even know much else of him aside from that automobile company of his. But well… we as the Elite were having our growing suspicions after examining more of how poorly the downtown area was, and interviewing the locals terrorized from his gang’s past attacks. And thanks to one of our undercover operatives, Sgt. Kodiak, we had not only started to put any and all accomplices in jail, but had planned in the near future to soon put Byzantine to justice too. Luka, however… well, turns out he had decided to take fate into his own hands by cornering the Boss one day in his office with his dark magic… giving into temptation with his soul-ripping spells to really show the crooked man who he was messing with…”

The air seemed to grow heavier as Ivor quickly grew quiet again, his gaze going back to the chest’s contents as he pulled out something else from under all the papers… a locket with a purple moon gem symbol on the front, “...In the end, thanks to some nearby guards catching wind of his actions, Luka wasn’t fully able to be rid of Byzantine as he hoped… but that would soon seal his fate as the Boss had subtly planned a “vengeance” of his own. And so, a few years later Luka and Meradyth had made plans to head into the Downtown area for a quick errand, picking up this upcoming birthday present for you...” explaining as he gently placed the pendant within the girl’s hands, eyes closing as he painfully recalled further...

“...and, just as they were heading back home… they were ambushed. A mix of Byzantine’s own men and a few hired hands from the army Luka has disgraced, together overwhelmed the couple in more ways than one. Within all the smoke, blades, and spells being thrown around it was practically impossible for either of them to evade it all on their own…”

“So, how exactly did my father manage to survive from it all...?” Prym turned her gaze to ask, a hand gently resting onto Ivor’s as he felt himself getting shaken by the recollecting… only pressing on further for Prym’s sake, “-Through having to spend a good chunk of his aura energy on teleporting Meradyth away from safety, and the last of it to unleash one, devastating blast to ward off the remaining foes, they were defeated and got taken into custody… but at a grave cost to Luka, himself. Our troops, try as we did to bring him back to heal him up, just weren’t able to stop the plague-induced infections from slipping him into a deep sleep. Hours had turned to days, and days turned to weeks… and throughout it we were beginning to lose hope. Finally, at last he was able to wake up and face us again, b-but…”

It was here that Ivor had turned to look back at Prym, placing a hand to her shoulder as he delivered the news that had shattered the shred of hope she had earlier...

“Prym… h-he didn’t recognize us anymore, and… neither could he remember either you or your mother when we tried to tell him after waking up…”

“...W… What? No… n-no that can’t be right..!” the dark mage bitterly broke into a sobbing mess, shaking her head in near-denial, “-What kind of father would just up and forget his own loved ones, his own family?? P-Please tell me this isn’t true, Ivor! Please…!”

“...I-I’m sorry, Prym...” a guilt-ridden Ivor muttered, instinctively pulling Prym in for a tight hug despite her protesting sobs, “We tried all we could, believe me we did… but this plague proved to be the most resilient curse on our fellow comrade, even with the best medicinal help. Showing him pictures, records, and home videos did little to jog his memory… after awhile, he started refusing our help all together despite our protests…”

Soon, even as toughened as he usually was… even Ivor has begun to shed some tears as he held Prym close,

“He’s changed so much as time further passed, Prym.. not even going by his name anymore whether he’s off duty or not these days. To the point where eventually we just decided to never bring up the subject of Luka anymore, with the very few remaining soldiers from our old ranks swearing to silence never to speak of him either. As much as we wanted to reunite him with you both in the coming years, we just… w-we didn’t want to task the risk if anything were to… well, go wrong…”

To say that this did anything to soothe Prym’s heartbroken state would be a lie… as in the minutes that passed her furious sobs had silenced into mere whimpers, whilst Ivor continued to do his best to hold and comfort her as if she were his own child. In some ways, this news had devastated her even more than her initial thoughts of her father being deceased. To even imagine having to go through as much as he did, miraculously surviving but erased of his own memories like that… it was beyond crushing of a thought...

...Yet, the more she had paused to think on this info, the more she began to realize the implications of what exactly Ivor meant by Luka not going by his name anymore. Thinking back to the folder left next to her, she couldn’t help herself in pulling away from Ivor… desperately flipping through until her eyes caught sight of the last page. Her father’s medical file.

And this time, even Ivor didn’t move to stop her as he defeatedly looked away, accepting that she had to know this sooner than later...

...our current patient has been confirmed to have been inflicted with trauma-induced memory loss, and by royal order we have been requested to withhold further treatment by his end. Our staff has grown worried with his own past history of ongoing PTSD and Chronic Depression, but well… as our fellow staff had put it, an order’s an order.

With a heavy heart, this concludes our progress into looking after our patient of the past year and a half... Luka Grayle.

[zrllosyn-art]

As per request by pumpkin, its Adult human mantis!! a super rough sketch but it gets the concept across.

I also went off and did a ton of worldbuilidng so theres that under the cut.

So first of all THE HIGHER BEINGS. I was thinking originally this world was occupied by non-human monsters, who had a fuckton of magic and were the origin of higher beings.

Ex) dia originally looked way more monster and dragon

and then alot of them got into a big ol war, until one of them becomes the victor. THis guy, who i am not sure about their design yet. But theyre humanoid, and also has a masked face.

(based off of old angels quite a bit, and its super obvious so the design is just a concept for now)

After the ‘Victor’ comes out on top as the clear winner of the goddamn war, they basically go “YOU FUCKED UP A PERFECTLY GOOD WORLD IS WHAT YOU DID. LOOK AT IT. ITS A BURNT ROCK NOW”. And more or less manhandles the rest of them into recreating life on the planet. And also makes all the beings on the planet humanoid, as a treat.

(”because i won goddamnit at least let me have this”)

And thats how you get the start of higher beings? Theyre all humanoid and the masks were used to anchor souls into these new bodies, and give them access to magic/mana?

The masks eventually become obsolete, and become a medium for magic as souls and flesh become intermingled and anchored to eachother.

ALSO THE FATE SISTERS. This part is subject to change depending on how the three of us (me, pumpkin, nd KC) change up the fate sisters’ dynamics.

(third one yet to be designed but theres three of them)

Originally the three of them did NOT get along?? They were born around the same time but they were also born into a war environment and just. Were constantly at each other’s throats.

And then the ‘Victor’ comes by and goes, hey u three work together to make ppl for me please thanks. And just. Kinda lumps em together and makes em work. Which, they dislike.

Theyre not allowed to actively fight each other and also have to make a single group of ppl (not one group for each of them) so they just, kinda compete in giving favor to the strongest and just. kinda showing off to each other like my favorite is stronger than ur favorite.

That leads to a pretty combat oriented culture for the mantis-group. Eventually the ‘victor’ drops in to see what they were doing, found the three sisters being a TERRIBLE influence, and just. NOPE IM ASSIGNING YOU THREE TO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

And just, kind of, takes the three of em away. Which leads to myths about the mantis’ higher beings leaving for ‘a better place’ and whatnot. The legend changes as time goes on, like the three sisters merged into one higher being that ‘ascended’ or that there were 4 sisters that ascended (the previous merged version becoming a 4th sister). The most recent version of there being 4 sisters that together created a ‘heaven’ and ascended, leaving behind the thrones and altar that will serve as a road to lead their people to this ‘heaven’.

Myths go all over the place as it gets older.

Meanwhile the 3 sisters get assigned to being the fates, which is basically paperwork hell. They just, sit and record stuff and make sure theres no weird inconsistencies and prevent the start of another wide scale war like before.

Its boring as FUCK but it also makes them all work together and slowly they get along. Theyre old and know each other for too long. They still fight sometimes though. Siblings.

Meanwhile new higher beings appear often. Theyre either made because of heavy belief, or they exist in the first place and gain belief. It goes kinda visa versa. The Pale King is a newer one. The radiance and the void is both pretty fuckin old, theyre from when the war was going on im p sure.

The void is older than all of them i think? and cannot really be communicated with. Maybe caused a ton of chaos and is too strong to be left alone, so had the radiance assigned to them as a seal. It clearly didnt work.

ALSO MANTIS VILLAGE.

was figuring out more cultural stuff and this was touched on by the fate sisters, but was thinking about masks and their cultural importance to them. As seen in the Mantis sketch theres 3 stages of masks?

The first one is the one your parents or guardian makes for you as a child. Its rounded and distinct shape indicates to everyone else that you are a child, and is meant to be protected. Someone else is responsible for your actions, and you cannot fight the kid. This is a babey.

In the first stage mask kids are taught? reading and writing, basic exercise nd stuff. Things to help them develop mentally and physically. Fighting is technically not allowed, but the kids fight amongst themselves anyways.

At the 2nd stage you’re deemed old and maybe mature enough to learn combat. At this stage no one is allowed to actually fight u seriously other than your peers, but sparing and combat is allowed. You make your weapon then, and the 2nd mask is usually self made following a template.

Weapons are made out of chunks of pale ore (found in a specific place). You kind of just, break it off and then chip and sharpen it. Weapons are made by the wielder and changes over time with them. Weapons tend to maintain their original shape, so they tend to maintain a pretty organic shape. Theres alot less ‘forging’ involved in the process.

(mantis has two, and theyre both pretty rough at the edges. Carvings and such are added as you age as you like, usually to signify and important event)

The third mask indicates adulthood. Each person dons their 3rd mask at different times, whenever they personally feel ready. Usually someone else, a mentor figure or some equivalent, tells the wearer when they feel the to-be adult is ready for a 3rd mask, but the choice is ultimately up to the wearer.

The 3rd mask has no template and is completely up to the wearer, and is usually decorated by loved ones. The symbols on the mask are typically pale and hard to see, and usually have some sort of deeper meaning to the wearer and whoever carved it.

Once the 3rd mask is donned, the wearer is considered an adult, and is permitted to wear armor. This means that in all combat (other than mutually agreed upon instances) there will be no holding back. Armor indicates people can come at you with full strength during spars, because the armor will give you the leeway you need to survive. If that makes sense.

IN MANTIS’ CASE.

Mantis probably only dons the 3rd mask when they leave or is close to leaving Hallownest. Their mask was carved by themselves, although there are a few large nicks in it from when they sparred with Cyrill and Ruby. Theyre left on there on purpose.

(Not that cyrill or ruby know that its on purpose, or the significance of it being left there. Theyre both just waiting for mantis to bring it up again, as a way to guilt them both into doing something)

Putting on armor is a pretty ceremonial thing probably, but probably done by Mantis in private. A short small ceremony. Its probably a little sad, cause its supposed to be a big ol ceremony but they have to do it alone. lmao.

Mantis is pretty traditional, despite not really buying into their culture’s religion. They still kind of, like the traditions themselves, and so keeps following them. Out of respect for those that raised them and also just. As traditions, rather than their religious aspects. 

Probs heavily dislikes a lot of the religious aspects of their culture probably.

[phoenixkael]

Analysis of Kael’thas Voice Lines in Shadowlands

Alpha spoilers below the cut. Read at your own discretion.

Alongside Blizzard’s live stream regarding developer updates in Shadowlands, we’ve gotten our usual Wednesday datamining of Shadowlands alpha. Today also marks the very last alpha build, as Blizzard confirms Beta to hit next week. What better way than to end it on a high note. Largely silent aside from boss information in Castle Nathria, Kael’thas now has some voice lines.

And boy, have I over-analyzed this like a kid eating cake.

When I first heard the Accuser’s lines from a few builds back, I already expected Kael’thas to be arrogant, but I never could tell at what level of arrogance or what his personality would be like exactly. Oh god, anything but hots portrayal.

Here we have Kael’thas in Revendreth, distressed and emotionally charged. At first glance, he doesn’t seem remorseful per se, but the fact that the Arbiter placed him in Revendreth instead of the Maw says that his soul is capable of atonement and remorse. At this point in the story, it doesn’t seem like Kael’thas has done a lot of soul searching. He’s coming off of the pride he had before he died, yet he knows he’s in Revendreth and knows he has work to do on himself. He thinks that what he did was right and for his people, but the way he did it was not ideal. It hurt a lot of people, and I don’t think he realizes that yet. He’s feeling very defensive, as evident in one of his lines: “Do not presume to judge me” means to not take someone at face value. You do not know the inner turmoil of another person. This line signifies Kael’thas being defensive. In fact, it makes sense that he comes into the Shadowlands defensive and insecure.

Analysis of Select Lines

Without context, it’s hard to know of what or to whom he is speaking these lines, so I’m generalizing, really. The very first lines in the video above state, “What torment is this? I serve the Lich King? No! That cannot be! Trouble me no longer!” Kael’thas greatly fears that he now serves the Lich King, who in the past is associated with Arthas and the Scourge. Knowing his past trauma there, serving the Lich King in general would put him under extreme pressure. This could quite well be one of many techniques that the Venthyr use to torture him.

In life, Kael’thas had a recurring theme of being a follower instead of the leader he was literally born to be. In fact, he ran from it for the longest time. He served as a member on the Council of Six in Dalaran and while this is a very noble position, it made his people feel distrustful of and alienated from him--and vice versa. Kael’thas had always wanted to forge connections with other people and gain insight into new ideas and places. He was so unlike most of his people, who were isolationist and content enough to marvel in their fair city of Silvermoon. Even his father, King Anasterian, was concerned for his loyalties. Kael’thas would then go on to serve under Garithos during the Scourge invasion, then to Illidan Stormrage in Outland, and finally to Kil’jaeden until his death. His line about Kil’jaeden in partciular is very interesting and very telling about where Kael is in his progress in Shadowlands: “I thought my deal with Kil’jaeden would save the Sin’dorei. But it just got worse all the time!” He expresses anger at having allowed the demon lord to manipulate him so easily, but he won’t express anything but anger and distress.

Now he COULD have admitted defeat and packed everyone up to go home, but then what did he go to Outland for? What would he have come home to empty-handed? He wanted this darker path, which he hesitated to take at first, to mean “something”. He promised to find the cure or salvation for his people (on top of his personal vendetta with Arthas) and he was afraid that he would break had he come home. He did not admit defeat, did not surrender. As brave as he was, his pride spelled his downfall.

Indeed, Kael’thas has always been one to put on a strong front, to appear strong and powerful in the eyes of not only his people but others as well. He is a very insecure man and, thus, uses his pride to mask these insecurities about himself. He does not like to appear weak. In one of the lines, he wants people to address him by his title, the Sun King, a contradictory request as to the one he used to make when he did not want the title out of respect for his father. Also, he always preferred that Jaina not use his titles, but just Kael. This goes to show that Kael hides his insecurity behind his title in the face of certain people for whom he wants to show he is strong. He already believed he won’t be half the king his father was, but he tried his hardest anyway. Notice in a few of the lines that he doesn’t mention MY people or MY brethren, but instead the Sin’dorei. Perhaps he recognizes that the blood elves are their own people and have continued to live without him. We know their story of restoration, and now we head into Kael’thas’s potential restoration where he owes it to them--and ultimately, himself. Maybe just maybe it also spells how much he is worth compared to them. He would give anything to save them, even sell his soul to the very devil himself.

Kael’thas has two quotes that really stood out to me. They’re very intellectual, just as you would expect from someone as intelligent as him, and when you analyze it, speaks of Kael himself but also just people in general.

“I can learn to be humble, but never meek.” He is willing to atone and wants to deep down, but it’s the confrontation of these sins that he doesn’t like. In the raid fight, he clearly has a lot of pent-up shame as referenced by the ability, “Reflection of Guilt.” Kael also makes an excellent point (or analogy?) to not mistake humbleness for weakness. You can be kind and mellow to people, but often people will mistake it for being weak and obedient.

The next line--and I LOVE how he says it--is, “My power is mine to wield.” It’s about owning your own power, about being your own person, and knowing your own self-worth. Don’t let anyone trample over you or make your their slave. Kael’thas experienced this first-hand with Garithos and Kil’jaeden. His people loved him, hence his betrayal (as evidenced by Lor’thenar’s recent short story) still cuts them several years later. They worried for him, but all he could think about as the fel surged through him was how much of a failure he was.  Hell, even Jaina in the Arthas book mentioned how “good” of a man he was, having recognized the beauty of him, which fell to his darker traits. For all that confidence in his magical abilities and charm, Kael’thas tragically never knew how valuable he was as a leader, how worthy he was.

And now we are in Shadowlands where we get to see him with his own role. Blizzard willing, this sounds to be a long personal journey for him. For himself.

[shannonmora]

Back at it again with another diary post! I had to force myself to stop typing last night lol my brain is always poppin off.

Today I want to talk about the three short stories I’m working on that I will be writing for Camp NaNoWriMo next month. My current goal is 30K words since scripting a comic uses way less words than a novel. I hope this will force me to expand every idea as much as possible. I have a bad habit of getting stuck at a part and just writing down something vague. Even as I’m drafting Ghost Story there are parts I haven’t fleshed out. Again, it’s a bit of a procrastination tactic of mine to go back and try to fill in those gaps but for now I’ll let them be. Since it’s the first pass of the first draft find it important to just shit out as much as I can handle. Even if it’s a flimsy finish, at least I have the story figured out for the first part.

Okay, on to the first story. I’ve actually drawn the characters in a recent illustration. I’m still not 100% sure what to call it, but for now I call it “To Say ‘I Love You.’” It features a catboy and doggirl, a completely visual metaphor lol, kinda like how Loveless gives virgins cat ears. Instead of virginity it’s more of a personality signifier. I tried to draw this comic last year and I even got kinda far (I think the early pages are really good and I hope to still use them). I didn’t like how I was presenting the story after a while though, so I am trying to iron it out. 

I placed a lot of my feelings of love and relationships on to the Catboy. I once saw the question “Is it easier to love or be loved?” and I was caught of guard. I had only ever seen people talk about how self love is so hard for them, that they can hate themselves and love so much unconditionally. I didn’t even know how it could be possible to be the reverse, to take other people’s affections so easily but have trouble loving back. But now I know I fit into that category all to well. And it sounds cruel. But ultimately it’s just my personality. Finding someone you can confide in completely about your feelings can be very difficult. People don’t always expect someone being hesitant to love you back. I hope this story works without getting too long or boring, haha. It’s hard to show character’s personalities and relationship in just a few pages.

The next story is one slightly based off an ink drawing I did in 2019 of a cool satyr boy finding a black kitten in the rain. I love fantasy settings but I’m not very good at worldbuilding, haha. So I’m hoping setting short stories in this little universe will help me develop it. I’m a little hesitant to talk more about it because I don’t want to give away the theme and story, but it’s a story I hope will touch people! I think the romance part is rather straight forward, but it ties into a deeper idea of finding where you belong. I’ve yet to think of a good name for it, knowing me I’ll rip it from a song lyric.

The last story has roots in a much older project that I decided to scrape: Dreamscape. The original was supposed to be a fantasy epic of a girl who creates a fantasy world in order to escape her life. I didn’t really develop it very far and it’s just been at the back of my head for a long time. I figured I have too many fantasy epics I want to do so I took the basic idea and spun it into a shorter story. I love the idea of fantasy as escapism but also as a reflection of our problems. I’m rushing getting this story out since I have just had it sitting in the back of my head for about a year. Even as I type this I can feel the ideas coming!

I don’t when I’ll be able to actually DRAW these stories. I much prefer drawing on paper when it comes to inking, though I know my drafting skills aren’t the best. I really want to make the most of what I know and to use both digital and traditional techniques. My plan would be to make the drafts digitally then print them and ink traditionally. I also want to create 3d environments to help me with backgrounds, something that is a HUGE pain for me. 

April begins tomorrow, which means social media will be nothing but “friendly reminder to not post triggering content uwu” and literally nothing fun. I have work tomorrow so I’ll do my best to have my 1k out before work. I also REALLY need to finish outlining Dreamscape, seeing as it’s not even half done yet. Oh god...

[buzzdixonwriter]

Super Duper Supermen

This will be a long one, so pour yourself a cuppa and settle down.   We may seem to meander, but we’ve got a destination.

. . .

I’m tired of superheroes.

I’m tired of a lot of genre fiction.

Part of the reason is that too much of the current material is ugly and loud, but the real reason is it isn’t fresh, it isn’t fun.

I tried watching The Boys.  I got to the end of the second scene of episode one and realize, “This ain’t for me” and turned it off and went over to YouTube and watched guys build model airplanes.

At least they look like they’re having fun.

. . .

Look, superheroes are a power fantasy and they’re okay for little kids who want to believe there’s always going to be a mommy or daddy who will protect them, but they’re an absurd genre at best and when you start taking them seriously -- and recently even the funny parodies and spoofs take themselves Too Damn Seriously -- they become horrific.

What prompted me to realize this is an article posted on The Vulcan by Abraham Riseman “The Boys Is the End of the Superhero As We Know It.”

Highly recommended, by the way.

. . .

It’s not like Riseman was the first to make this observation.

30+ years ago Gary Groth observed:

“Superman is one version of the hero with a thousand faces -- to employ the title of Joseph Cambell's excellent book on the subject -- and his appeal should therefore not surprise us.  But Superman is a crude version of the hero; if you will, an elementary one.  Unlike his more developed analogues in all the world's great religions, Superman does not offer love or goodwill, self-knowledge or contemplation as keys to man's salvation.  He offers his own physical powers.”

And he ain’t the only one.

Alan Moore recently chimed in:

“They have blighted cinema and also blighted culture to a degree. Several years ago I said I thought it was a really worrying sign, that hundreds of thousands of adults were queuing up to see characters that were created 50 years ago to entertain 12-year-old boys. That seemed to speak to some kind of longing to escape from the complexities of the modern world and go back to a nostalgic, remembered childhood. That seemed dangerous; it was infantilizing the population.

“This may be entirely coincidence, but in 2016 when the American people elected a National Socialist satsuma and the U.K. voted to leave the European Union, six of the top 12 highest-grossing films were superhero movies.  Not to say that one causes the other, but I think they’re both symptoms of the same thing — a denial of reality and an urge for simplistic and sensational solutions.”

. . .

I don’t like cruelty.

I used to enjoy old weird horror films back in the day -- movies like The Reanimator -- because I appreciated their absurdity and never took them seriously.

When the torture porn sub-genre came along, I lost interest in horror films.  

The Babadook is the only modern one I’ve seen in the last 5 years and I enjoy it because like earlier horror films (and here I include both classic Universal / RKO movies and the artistry of Mario Bava and Dario Argento) it’s essentially a very dark fairy tale, not an exercise in cruelty for the sake of cruelty.  

Violence doesn’t turn me off.

Sadism does.

And sadism is all about power and fascism is all about power, so when I remark on modern superhero and thriller and horror stories as being fascist, I know whereof I speak.

. . .

Superhero stories may not necessarily be tales told by idiots, but they are full of sound and fury, and signify nothing.

Ultimately superheroes fail because:

they can’t lose

they can’t win

There is no finality in the superhero genre.  The damn Joker keeps crawling back, Les Luthor constantly schemes, Dr. Doom and Galactus pop up whenever things lag in the sales department.

Superheroes as a genre are failures insofar as they can’t permanently deal with these existentialist threats, nor can they step out of the way to let others deal with them.

Superheroes promise salvation but deliver bupkis, slapping a band-aid on a cancer and telling us it’s all better.

They can’t permanently defeat their greatest threats, yet neither can they be truly harmed by them.

I’ll grant you the occasional Captain Mar-Vel but they are very minor exceptions to the rule.  Gwen Stacy was bumped off in The Amazing Spider-Man #121 in June 1973, first reappeared as a clone in May 1975 then several times thereafter, and most recently shows up as Spider-Gwen in Edge of Spider-Verse #2 (September 2014).  

As Roy Thomas aptly observed:  “In comics they’re only dead if you have a body and even then only maybe.” 

(In fairness, there’s no finality in most formula / genre fiction either, but we’ll get to that in a bit.)

. . . 

Before we delve deeper, let’s be clear as to what we’re discussing when we say “superheroes”.  

They don’t need to possess “powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men”.

As noted above, they just have to be:

always victorious

never in real danger

You can bash ‘em / trash ‘em / slash ‘em / smash ‘em and they still bounce back -- heroically -- to save the day.

Break both legs, riddle them with machine gun bullets, hit them with a car, cave in their skulls with sledgehammers, and yet somehow they summon up the super-human reserves needed to keep in the fight.

Mind you, in the real world there are people who display super-human endurance in horrific situations and not merely survive but go on to achieve incredible success.  They don’t do such things every year (as do heroes in movies), much less every month (comics) or every week (television). They sure as hell don’t make a career out of it.

Let’s veer away from brightly colored naked people flying & fighting to superheroes in a different genre than costumed crime fighters.

Mike Hammer is a superhero.

Sherlock Holmes is a superhero.

Philip Marlow might actually be a literary character.

Look at the criteria:  Can they lose?

Never in Hammer’s case.

Rarely for Holmes (and when he does, it’s always with bittersweet irony).

Frequently enough with Marlowe that one can’t anticipate if any of his stories will end with him victorious (yeah, he solves mysteries, but always at profound personal cost, and in more than one novel he ends up realizing he’s been a sucker all along).

Here’s another example that snaps the dichotomy into ever sharper relief:  

Samuel L. Jackson’s Shaft is a superhero.

Richard Roundtree’s Shaft is just a hero.

Roundtree’s Shaft is aware he can fail.

No “macho bullshit irony” as they say over at the Church of the Sub-Genius.

. . .

Superheroes don’t grow -- they decay.

They never truly use their power for good (because that would involve changing the world) nor do they adequately protect the innocent.

They serve no true function except to entertain and to be exploited.

Series novels and television shows can feature character growth, but the concept has to be baked in from the beginning (Jan Karon’s Mitford series and Armistead Maupin’s Tales Of The City books are two examples that spring immediately to mind).*

More typically, in series fiction the character/s show little actual growth; they are more or less the same at the end of their adventures as they were at the beginning, maybe a little greyer, maybe a little creakier, but essentially the same person.

Sometimes, particularly in military or nautical or police series, they may start out as a callow cadet but soon wise up to the stalwart hero we want to see.

As perfect an example of superhero decay can be found in the Die Hard movies.

The original’s superhero character, Detective John McClane, implausibly goes through a night of hell yet actually shows some character growth:  By the end of the film he’s able to swallow his pride and admit to his wife he was wrong.

A very farfetched movie but an emotionally satisfying one.  We’ll overlook a multitude of injuries that would have rendered him hors de combat in reality in exchange for the movie actually being about something.

All that gets chucked out in the first sequel, Die Hard 2, where the characters are thrown into a contrived situation to mirror the first film without the satisfying emotional growth but with far more ridiculous action;  Die Hard With A Vengeance jettisons McClane’s marital relationship except as an afterthought and ups the absurdity of the story (indeed, it’s best viewed as an action comedy); Live Free Or Die Hard totally trashes all the character growth before it; and A Good Day To Die Hard not only trashed previous character growth but went so badly over the top that it and the star’s aging out hopefully are the one-two punch needed to end the series once and for all.

. . . 

Look at non-superpowered / non-comic book superheroes and see how they fare.

D’Artagnan and the Three Musketeers are superheroes (conversely, Cyrano de Bergerac is not because the focus of his story is on who he is and not the what but the why of his actions; all the cool sword fighting is just bonus material).

Natty Bumpo is a superhero; anybody who can jump into a birchbark canoe from a tree branch 30 feet overhead without crashing through is a superhero because that character simple Can Not Lose.  

For that matter, most 1950s TV cowboys and virtually all Italian Western protagonists are superheroes.

Tarzan is a superhero. 

James Bond is a superhero (the SPECTRE / Blofeld arc in the novels and short stories actually do end up with him going through significant growth and personal change, ending with Smersh brainwashing him and sending him back to assassinate M…but then the British Secret Service intercepts him and a couple of paragraphs later he’s all better and off after The Man With The Golden Gun).

Modesty Blaise is a superhero.

Claire Starling is not a superhero, but Hannibal Lecter is (don’t give me that; even if you’re evil, when you’re the central character of a series of books / movies / TV shows you’re a damn superhero).

They’re all superheroes because they can’t lose and they can’t change their world and more importantly they can’t change themselves.

. . .

There is one exception to the above re superheroes, and that’s in the realm of sci- fi and fantasy stories.

Occasionally we find a character who becomes a king (viz Howard’s Kull) or a demi-god (viz Herbert’s Paul Atreides) and does alter their world for good or ill.

That, of course, is the ultimate power fantasy.

. . .

Fascism focuses on the Will and the Act.

It is a philosophy of movement.

It’s a philosophy that attracts the weak and the sadistic, because it promises protection from and power over others.

It’s a philosophy that actively seeks conflict, not necessarily overt violence, but the promise of same is always there.

. . . 

A brief sidebar to the other side of the comic book spinner rack.

Funny animals are essentially anti-authoritarian.

From Aesop forward to Carl Barks, their characters, filled with all too human foibles, can and do fail.

And when they win?

Ah, then it’s almost never by force or action, but by cleverness.

Funny animals are tricksters, accurately sussing out a situation and maneuvering to gain the best outcome for themselves without obtaining dominance over their opponent.

Bre’r Rabbit and Bugs Bunny.

Ducks Donald, Daffy, and Howard.

Superhero stories seems obsessed with keeping everything orderly and in continuity.

Without continuity, anything goes, and that’s fatal to the superhero trope as it annihilates authority.

Funny animal stories rarely feature continuity and when they do, it’s rarely rigorous.  If Porky Pig needs to be a businessman or a farmer or a studio executive or a traveling salesman, so be it.

He’ll be something else in the next story.

As tricksters, funny animals are bounded by one rule: They may save themselves and seek justice, but they will pay a penalty if they try to use trickery for selfish gain.

Howard the Duck -- “trapped alone and afraid / in a world he never made” -- is just trying to stay survive.

Daffy Duck -- greedy little miser that he is -- inevitably gets it in the neck when he tries to cheat someone.

Donald Duck -- floating somewhere between Howard and Daffy in his motivations -- finds no guarantee of success and reward, yet achieves success often enough to keep striving.  

He may battle mummies or a reluctant coke machine, his stories may take him around the world on an adventure or no further than his kitchen to fix dinner.

It doesn’t matter.

Who he is makes his stories compelling far more than what he does.

He’s not on a power trip.

He doesn’t feel he has to win every time.

And as a result, he has a much richer life than Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark.

. . . 

“So whaddya sayin’, Buzz?  ‘Superheroes is bad’?”

No.

I deny no one their pleasure.

But I also think there are times when we have to demand not just more of creators but of ourselves as an audience with the media we consume.

I only saw the first two scenes of the first episode of The Boys.

That was all it took to convince me not to watch it anymore.

For similar reasons, I have no desire to watch Mad Men or Breaking Bad or Better Call Saul or Game Of Thrones.  

I’ve picked up a strong enough vibe from each to know I’m not going to connect with them.

I’m certainly not saying you can’t enjoy them if you like.

Bu I am saying we’re cheating ourselves by not demanding more.

And until we start demanding more, the studios and streamers are only going to offer us less and less variety.

C’mon, people, we deserve more than that.

  © Buzz Dixon

  *  I’m sparing you a whole long analysis of The Mary Tyler Moore Show because frankly it goes too far afield of this essay’s central thesis and besides I can use it for another blog post in the future.

[queernuck]

Who Is Mayor Pete?

an interesting phenomena surrounding that post that criticizes the supposed homophobia of backlash to Mayor Pete on grounds of how difficult it is to read him as gay, how much he comes across specifically as an assimilationist, as an example of what exactly many of us hate seeing in that community, is that there is a certain way that it resonated with TERFs which I think is important to consider. it taps into a great deal of rhetoric around the way that transmisogynist violence is enacted, how the creation of hostility in communities to ideas of queerness, faggy-ness, how the sanitization and creation of a fetishized notion of butch/femme culture has been a project of so many TERFs unfortunately, the way all of these converge into the yearning for the exact image that Mayor Pete fits: one of an incredibly assimilated, boring figure which refuses typical libidinal flows, who almost reads with a kind of sexlessness that dovetails quite nicely into the sort of policy goals that he most typically holds.

while discussing him as a Republican is perhaps not quite accurate, the way in which he is reminiscent of a recent letter to the editor where a gay man talked about how the transition from Obama to Trump impacted him little but a transition to Sanders (he fears) would ruin him due to his career as an investment banker, Buttigieg typefies this idea, the archetype of the successful gay man who has rejected all of these signifiers of gayness, who has divided himself cleanly from any kind of notion of “queerness”, of faggish tendencies, who almost more closely resembles an embodiment of the sterility and structural prescriptivism that “homosexual” would imply. He is not violating any sort of taboo except insofar as his violation thereof affirms the mirrored process: in becoming-gay, Mayor Pete does such in a way that affirms the mirroring of that process in the dominant subject, is part of a series of desiring-machines through which the libidinal flows of numerous Democrat voters may be actualized. For many, the idea of Mayor Pete as Their Gay Son is a kind of fantasy, a point in the questioning of why their own children cannot manage to just be “normal”, cannot have jobs in finance or join Naval Intelligence or become mayor of South Bend.

There are many men that outwardly appear like Mayor Pete out there, and I can hardly blame them. However, just as Mayor Pete is not Pete Buttigieg, is rather a kind of second-order simulacra intended to relate to other candidates and to voters in a certain fashion, they resemble him only in that they have these rather carefully constructed personae which they use in order to gain the advantages that apparent assimilation brings with it. In their real lives they may be fathers and husbands and have relatively normal, “basic” tastes but at the very least, if they are sexually active even with only a single partner, they violate at least some kind of taboo and become an unsuitable subject. The hate the sin love the sinner ideology is very much prevalent in ideas of even a married gay couple, where the idea of two men being married to one another and having a happy, fulfilling sexual relationship is itself revolting. 

When one throws in various different scenes and communities such as PNP/Chemsex, leather, even simply going out to the wrong sorts of parties or gay bars, and what is seen as a kind of salacious and enticing possibility for heterosexuality is now a condemnation, is too much for being a violation of far too many taboos at once. That some gay men have open marriages is an indication of degeneracy. This is true, as well, for many trans women: simply enjoying sex, having sexual partners, is seen as a sort of unsuitable deviance, as part of an inherently sexual identity and moreover the reduction of trans women to fetishes, the notion that we cannot exist at all except while evoking kink, that us, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals are all constantly evoking sexuality through mere existence even when heterosexual identities are allowed to imply or mimic our own while being outwardly validated, being understood as separated from these behaviors.

A comment that particularly sticks with me from this cursory (but rather unsurprising) investigation of transmisogynists getting angry about the idea that Pete isn’t Queer Enough is an insistence that one does not want to share community with “the BTQ, you are freaky and not in a good way” as one person put it. Going beyond the usual “drop the T” rhetoric, the concentration on just lesbian and gay identities is a kind of reactionary turn toward using taxonomy and ideological fetishism to create notions of what our community should be rather than looking at who it has been, who we have found solidarity with, and moreover why this solidarity is so important. The way in which Mayor Pete most openly seems a figure of heteronormativity is not in being happily married, especially given that so many happy marriages and engagements I know of consist of two people who would be marked deviant just by their identification. It lies, rather, in the same kind of turn of separation and separatism that so many transmisogynists generally and TERFs more specifically accept as part of their ideological positioning, are eager to use as part of maneuvering into a position of accomplishing the most important parts of their ideology. 

The reactionary red-brown alliances one sees TERFs willing to make (that is, if they were even really all that red to start with) are hardly accidental, and do little to advance the causes they supposedly stand for except through empty signification of a progressive simulacra of the reactionary ideology they support. The aforementioned discussion of a sort of fetishization of butch/femme identity is the means by which reference to an imagined past, one which includes these roles and imagines lesbian bars, spaces, identities is so often cleansed of any meaningful history, any connection to radical politics beyond being left-wing by the liberal standards of the current Democratic party, any kind of actual look at how and why communities of LGBT commonality were formed and realized and lived and continued and developed to this day, is used as a means of recapture for transmasc identity in order to affirm the biological determinism that their ideology necessitates. This turn is used to insist on trans men as something lesser, something denatured and not to be understood as a “man” while trans women are absolutely, ontologically men in a sense that can never be changed, that persists as the kind of marker which ignores any experience of transness in order to instead whip up a false frenzy of ideological maneuvering against vulnerable women. The conservatism of clinging to particularities of past expressions of “butch” and “femme” rather than looking at how they deride current and contemporary communities which contain plenty of butches and femmes, which contain other expressions of gendered performativity, which navigate the tensions of the sexed body through these performative creations of identification and shared space within, and most of all how many of these spaces are ones where liberation is seen as shared, as including justice on grounds of fighting antiblackness, supporting antiracism, intensely personal accounts of anti-antisemitism and anti-Islamophobia and anti-Xenophobia action, a paradigmatic antifascism, opposition to colonialism, a philosophy of anticapitalism, how vital the turn against assimilation therefore is, that the idea of assimilation as a whole involves abandonment of these ideals and instead an acceptance of the very structures that Mayor Pete most ardently advocates for, is what makes him so frustrating.

His prominence is defined so much by his assimilationism not because he is a relatively boring person with a husband. That describes plenty of people who still at least passingly validate the necessity of how LGBT histories involve anticapitalist struggles, who may themselves hold these views. There have always been people like Mayor Pete: they were the landlords driving up rent in Greenwich Village during the AIDS Crisis. They were the ones saying that bills could only pass if they dropped protections for trans people. He is a representation of the way that so many politicians only turned to supporting gay marriage when a certain arbitrary threshold was crossed by public support for the idea. The way that criticism of Mayor Pete as a politician who holds incredibly reactionary views, who has presided over violent police action and brazen codification of antiblackness within police work, who willingly joined a colonial war machine and uses that as part of his sales pitch, one who will defend the interests of capital to his dying breath as part of his campaign, one who somehow manages to propose a more cumbersome healthcare plan than Obama’s ultimately ended up being, this is the kind of candidate we have at hand. 

And he is fucking awful.

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others.  The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.  Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others.  And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”.  Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground.  So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself.  But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility.  Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”.  Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself.  Levi already had that, had already DONE that.  What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people.  Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people.  Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life.  He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have.  Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.  

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense.  The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it.  He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards.  This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter.  But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted.  Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best.  He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge.  He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time.  It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way.  Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably.  He won’t always win.  He won’t always be able to save everyone.  It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed.  It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance.  It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.  

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post.  Thanks for reading, as always guys!

[abundantchewtoys]

Homestuck Meat p40-43

Page 40

So Dirk is still trying to keep Kanaya away from Rose by moving her thoughts away from her.

I thought the antidote could've been poison, but luckily not.

I thought maybe Jade's anger was going to be played humorous, regarding Davekat getting it on without her.

But I'm glad that wasn't it! When Dirk indicated Roxy would need to hear what Jade had to say, and when he was talking about Jade accessing her recent memories... I thought it meant that Jade would tell Roxy about Alt Calliope, and that maybe through her trance she merged with more than just Retry!Jade. That's still possible, but Jade's anger is pointed at Dirk!

... So did Dirk really mean to wake up an angry doggirl and point in his general direction? Did he really work himself up to be the final villain of the epilogues, like how he was the badguy in Jake's wrestling matches?

Why even. I mean, he was going to leave in T minus X hours, wasn't he? Or was that a misdirection as well?

In any case, I've found that, having achieved God Tier enlightenment, it seems Dirk has gone to absorb the worst machiavellan qualities of Autoresponder and Dave's Bro in the process.

---

Page 41

... I...

Wow.

Well that sure was self aware enough of him.

So he knows he's become the villain, that people will try to stop him, but he thinks his designs are worth it?

What are those, then, exactly? Is Dirk trying to create a new plane of existence? Is this all so he can "free" his friends from their fate in the epilogues, and start up the catalyst for Homestuck 2, storywise?

He's also prophecizing his own death here. He's telling us he'll die Justly, and Dave will cut off his head.

... So...

Oh god.

Is Dirk going to be the tyrant minus an arm and an eye?

Or

Is he the pimp in the crib that Dave will have to kill, dropping it like it's hot in the process? I swear to God, that prophecy's going to be fulfilled in this manner, ain't it? A pimp is a manipulative bastard who controls and extorts his victims, after all. Making them do things they wouldn't do otherwise.

In any case, Dirk has finally followed in the steps of his splinters, AR, Doc Scratch and Lord English, masterminding events behind everyone's back.

Actually, Dirk accepting his ultimate fate here is kind of Doc Scratch-like as well. And apparently, he admits here that every previous time he sacrificed himself, he did it in the good faith that he'd be restored to life afterwards. Not this time.

He also thinks of Dave as better than him, which I guess serves as a good counterweight to his aggravation about Dave's love life, lol. Ironically (Striders!), Dave meanwhile thinks (or thought) of John as a better person.

---

Page 42

Wow.

So, Jade was awoken long enough to snap Kanaya out of her trance, break the magic voodoo shit Dirk did to her. That's good. And it was SUPERB to see Kanaya in a rage again. Hunting mode Kanaya is chillingly ruthless. She gives Karkat a run for his money, verbally, and Gamzee a groin kick, physically!

I guess Roxy and Kanaya really ARE the best candidates to go after Dirk. But it saddens me that Jade is benched again. Her eyes going dark is meant to signify Calliope's spirit taking her over, since she has dark pupiles. Not sure if I thought of this last time.

Alt Calliope might leave the characters more free, abstaining from most influence, being a passive class and all. But we know she doesn't tolerate some things - unrespectful handling of cherub artifacts, and suppressing certain feelings & thoughts and not being honest with yourself. I wonder how that is going to play out.

So Dirk really is jumping (or has jumped) off somewhere into the C Universe, not going outside it? With his talk about unmudding the water, I thought he was going off to find Andrew, confront the characters with their fictive nature! Still could happen though, if Andrew's planet is somewhere else in Universe C.

"I'm already gone" is a nice allusion to "I'm already here".

Kanaya grabbing Jade with two arms would visually probably call back to Aradia manhandling Equius, and Dream Jade manhandling Dream John!!! :D

I like how this entire page was low on narration, it felt more like the dialoglogs of old this way.

Still, if "a bunch" of people go after Dirk: a) who then? It seems this time around, the trolls (or at least Kanaya) will still be part of the party. b) when are they going to realize that there's still someone narrating their lives that isn't leaving them entirely free?

Blaperile has a good point though - Andrew's not on his planet anymore, since he died. He was last seen in the Furthest Ring during the end boss battle against Lord English. But I'm a bit confused - I'm not sure Universe C is even connected anymore to the Furthest Ring, as I would think Alt Calliope's black hole would have eaten the C Genesis Frog already? ... I swear, if Dirk goes to Andrew's apartment and has Jane revive Andrew's corpse...

I suppose Terezi is on Dirk's ship right now? But to what end? Did he convince her Andrew could grant John a limitless revival, being the author? Or something?

---

Page 43

Wow. Awesome.

So first, now that Dirk isn't around to steer them, the conversations can quickly turn into complete disasters again, like we're used to.

Roxy is apparently looking like a pink-colorcoded Dave, good to know!

Dave mercifully didn't breach the subject of Dirk and Rose's perceived "hookup" while Kanaya was still in earshot.

And while Dave & Karkat are truly together now, they're still somewhat embarassed when they realize just how much they've been flirting around other people, heheh. Dave called it having "character developed", which reminds me I didn't yet comment on Dirk referring to his "arc" on the previous page. Dave, you hypocrite, you're people, you don't HAVE arcs (and thus no character development)!!! :P

Jade (or really, Alt Calliope) pointed the way to Dirk (and the others) in a similar manner as Rose pointed the way to the B2 session. I didn't realize Dave was talking down to her until Roxy pointed it out, heh, but it's true.

And it's been confirmed (somewhat) that Terezi joined the others on the ship, but what for, what for? So she didn't contact Karkat & Dave, probably feeling that she couldn't lie to their faces about John's fate?

And Alt Calliope is doing us the favor of largely staying neutral narrator. Which I guess is good - so long as she doesn't still influence them too much in certain manners.

The way she described it, I guess we're back to black narrative text from the next page on. I'm relieved by the way, it's kind of tiresome being on the lookout for "OOC influences" from the narration...

It seems to me it's going to be Dave, Roxy, Kanaya & Karkat (+ Jade) going after Dirk. I suspect Jake's too upset, as is Calliope. And Jane won't leave her office.

It was VERY cool to see Karkat take up leadership though. Maybe this sudden development in his personal life has given him the extra nudge to be able to prove to himself, once and for all, that he IS a good leader.

Heheh, I just thought of something. It wouldn't surprise me if Squarewave came along on the rocketship. So are we in for a Squarewave-Dave rapoff in the distant future? :O

Still wondering about John's fate though. Alt Calliope doesn't rule out he can be revived, yet she says his current "ultimate sacrifice" cements this timeline as being relevant, true and essential and all that. I suppose it could mean that, after being revived, he doesn't have the retcon powers anymore, but still, what other things would transpire before he's allowed back into the story?

[calliecat93]

ST: TNG S5 Watchthrough Episodes 2-5

Darmok: AKA, The Arena 2.0. Albeit the only similarity is that the captain and an alien get transported onto a barren planet with the Enterprise struggling to save him. While Kirk and the Gorn got forced by a God entity to fight, Picard and the other being, Dathon, look like they’re going to… but in actuality, they have a much more diplomatic interaction. There’s also a unique issue: the language barrier. The Tamarians essentially speak in metaphors that no one can understand, which with Picard missing… well it’s causing issues for The Enterprise who are about ready to go into battle. If we're gonna repeat episode ideas, I think that this is a good way to do it. Use a similar set-up, but do something different. In this case, Picard makes an effort to figure the Tamarian language out, at least enough to allow some form of communication. Like when Picard talks to Dathon after he’s been injured to learn more about him? That was a nice scene. Showing one trying to understand the other despite the obvious communication issues, and it is this effort and understanding that ultimately allows Picard to save the day before bloodshed can occur between the two sides. It was hard to keep up with at points because I could not at all understand what The Tamarians were saying and I’m far too slow to pick it up like Picard did. There’s a small, petty part of me bummed about having no people in cheap lizard costumes, but it was still a good episode. Certainly a much calmer one than Redemption which offers a nice cool-down from the premiere. It’s not as exciting as The Arena, but still a nice change of pace… but seriously, bring back the Gorn one day ST, and you better use the cheap costumes if you do! 3.5/5.

Ensign Ro: Alright, I’ve heard some about this one and I know that The Bajorans are gonna be a bigger deal in DS9. So Ensign Ro has been assigned to the Enterprise… but no one’s really happy about it as she had both been court-martialed and only recently released from prison. But they need her as the Bajorans are rebelling against The Cardassian Empire, yep those guys from The Wounded are back again. The treaty allows the Federation o act on behalf of the Bajorans, but that does nothing to ease the tensions between Ro and the Enterprise staff. So… one, Riker is an asshole in this episode. I mean making Ro take off her earring due to Starfleet uniform code… despite Worf being able to wear his sash (IDK the official name of it) that is clearly signifying his Klingon heritage and Troi having three regular outfits that she switches between, none of which are the standard uniform. Is it a seniority thing? Yeah IDK what that scene was about except as a tension builder, but way to be a hypocritical asshole Riker. But to be fair, Ro isn’t exactly the nicest person either. She’s very cynical, anti-social, aloof, and brutally honest, a huge contrast to the usually hopeful, optimistic cast. But as the episode goes on and when Guinan starts talking to her, it becomes clear why she is the way that she is. We learn about the horrors that the Bajorans have endured due to the Cardassians, Ro being used by an asshole admiral to give weapons to terrorists, and how it all caused Ro to feel ashamed of her own heritage and her struggle to settle it even after realizing that she shouldn’t feel that way. Needless to say, Ro has some pretty good reasons to be as she is, and she ultimately was trying to help her people and broke the admiral's orders when she found out that things weren’t on the level. Ro’s a really interesting character and I’m glad that Picard came around to her and allowed her to stay on the Enterprise, even allowing her to wear her Bajoran earring again. Hopefully, everyone else comes around as well. But yeah,t his was good! A good female character, the introduction of the conflict between the Bajorans and Cardassians, and an overall good plot. Again, I hate how much of an ass Riker and some of the others were to Ro with none of them ever asking her side of how she got court-martialed, but still, it was good~! 4/5.

Silicon Avatar: You all remember The Crystalline Entity? The one from Datalore? The being that killed a whole bunch of people because of Lore and would have killed everyone on the Enterprise had Lore not been beamed into space? Yep, they never actually defeated the thing so… it’s back. After it ravages a colony (thankfully all but two citizens survive), the Enterprise calls in Dr. Marr, who has studied the Entity, to help… but she has her own personal intentions for studying it. She is mean to Data, but it’s less because he’s an android and more because of his connection to Lore though she does loosen up fairly quickly. This is very much a revenge tale. Marr lost her son to the Crystalline Entity, and she has been trying to find him. way to kill it once and for all. We’ve seen this kind of story before, but hey that doesn’t mean it can’t be good, and bringing the Crystalline Entity isn’t a bad idea either. The sadness of Marr is done we'll and when Data read back a journal entry of her son’s in his voice... God that was just sad. Then... let’s talk about the moral debate. Marr wants to kill the Entity due to the devastation it keeps causing and to avenge her son… but Picard wants to try and communicate with it. Now I do understand what they’re trying to do and to an extent, I agree with it. The Entity may very well just be some kind of mindless animal just doing what it has to do to survive. Or it may indeed have its own thoughts and consciousness. Maybe it doens’t even realize the horrors it causes or the difference between right and wrong. If they could communicate, maybe they could understand it more and find a way to resolve the matter and stop the devastation peacefully. I certainly see what Picard is getting at… it’s just that along with no one considering that plan back in Datalore, the Entity IS still causing countless deaths and if Picard is wrong, they may very well die. But Marr takes matters into her hands, thus meaning that we’ll never know and that may be the true tragedy of the episode. Was Marr right to do what she did? It’s certainly hard to blame her, but she also cost what could have been valuable progress and knowledge. Either way, she was a heartbroken mother who wanted to avenge her son, and it only lead to a sad life that her son would have never wanted her to have. She accomplished her goal… but what now? The moral debate could have been handled better, but still a fine episode. 3/5.

Disaster: They were on-point with that title, though ‘Utter Insanity’ would have also been acceptable. So let’s just run down the list. The Enterprise has a power failure and it results in multiple insane scenarios. Picard is both injured and stuck with children on the Turbolift, Worf is stuck in Ten-Forward with a pregnant Keiko giivng birth, Crusher and Goerdi are stuck in cargo, Riker and Data try to get to Engineeirng, an Troi is stuck in Command as the only senior officer still alive on the Bridge. Yeah, it’s a wild episode. I really like the idea though. It’s essentially a Bottle Episode, but still uses various sets and uses the power outage plot to create a lot of chaotic scenarios. Most of them are really good. I liked Picard with the kids, which is as awkward as you’d expect it to be (albiet he’s over his asshole phase so it’s not as bad but still awkward) and, dare I say it, really cute! Worf having to play midwife was hilarious. I feel bad for poor Keiko, but still hilarious. The Data/Riker and Crusher/Geordi plots were also pretty nice. The only plot that I felt wasn’t that great was the Troi plot. Honestly… she shouldn’t have been given command, senority or not. She’s a counselor/psychologist, not a commanding officer. I’d have just had Ro and O’Brein stuck together and forced to take command of the Bridge. Not only were their interactions actually pretty interesitng to watch, but they clealry knew what they were doing faaaaar better than Troi did. I get they were trying to show her out of her element and apparently they do take this and use it as character development later from what I read, and her choosing not to seperate the ship incase others are alive even though it could lead to more death is very much IC for her. But it makes Troi, Ro, and O’Brien all look like idiots for putting Troi in a position thats she is unqualified for with her not at all arguign against this and the other two not pointing it out either even when she outright says that she doesn’t know certian protocals. Heck if they wanted to keep Troi on the Brdge, have Ro and O’Brein bickering Spock/McCoy style (which the they did a FAR better job emulaitng that here than when they tried with Pulaski and Data) and Troi playing peacemaker and putitng her counsling skills to good use. That’s right folks… Troi could have been Captain Kirk for a day XD That aside, I really enjoyed this! I liked seeing everyone out of their element, they made effective use of a power outage plot, and while no means perfect it was still fun~! Oh and O’Brein and Keiko have a baby girl now, yay~!!! 4/5.

Alright, we’re off to a decent start. So next round we have Wesley returning… but far more importantly, SPOCK IS COMING BACK FOR A TWO-PARTER! I’M SO EXCITED~!!! But for now, five episode down, 21 to go.

[margarethelstone]

One Day I Will

Okay guys, so what you’re about to read is a part of my Big Tangled/HTTYD crossover, Once Mine. But, wait! If you’re not into crossovers, and only care for the Dragon World (and Hiccstrid) you can still enjoy this story. This particular chapter works perfectly well on its own, so you don’t have to worry about not getting something. All that is required is a basic knowledge of the events of ‘Heather’s Report’.

Of course, I would be the happiest person on Earth to know that it encouraged you to read Once Mine as well.

Enjoy!

fanfiction.net (ODIW) fanfiction.net (Once Mine)

  Arm-in-arm, side by side, they kept staring at the shape of a boat that slowly ebbed away from the sight, a boat on the deck of which their new friend was heading towards her long missed home. An oceanic breeze was enfolding them, while the last beams of the setting sun illuminated their tired, yet joyful, finally peaceful faces. All in all, the scenery was more than romantic.

And that was when she punched him again.

“Hey!” he cried out, sending her a mock-offended glare, and shook his head, seeing the perverse grin on her lips. He’d already managed to get used to it; more than once was he to feel her knuckles on his shoulder, though usually, it signified nothing but sympathy.

Truth be told, it was rather an unusual way of showing one’s affection – why, if everything about her was unusual, as well.

“Good Thor, why is it always violence with you?”

The blonde girl glanced at him dismissively, and only shrugged her shoulders, once again fixing her gaze on the horizon’s line. Neither she, nor her dark-haired companion said anything for quite some time.

“Disappointed, aren’t you?” the warrior broke the silence eventually, causing the most natural astonishment of the boy standing beside her.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he answered sincerely.

“Oh, come on. You were sure you’d get that hug.”

“I… don’t… why…”

“I saw what you did there.” She nudged him much more gently this time. “And I saw your face when she turned towards Toothless. If that makes you feel any better, I also expected her to throw her arms around your neck rather than mine.”

Hiccup rolled his eyes, unable to hold back a smile.

“You think we’ll see her again?”

“Who knows. If we do, I bet it will be in the most unexpected circumstances.” Having summed up the matter like this, Astrid yawned lingeringly, simultaneously turning on her heel and stretching her arms above her head. “That day was way too long. What do you say we go back home, throw ourselves on our beds and sleep it all off?”

“Sounds like a plan.” The boy laughed quietly. “Although I still have a few trinkets waiting for me in the workshop; but of course, I’ll gladly walk you home and to the very door of it.”

She raised her brows, eyeing him sceptically.

“You don’t need to walk me home.”

“We’re heading in the same direction anyway.”

The warrior wanted to respond with a more cutting comment, eventually however, she only waved her hand and set off towards the village, letting Hiccup join her at his own pleasure. She winced when the cold sea gust reached her. It really was getting late – the sun had just ultimately hidden below the far ocean line – and with every passing second it was getting colder and darker on the island of Berk. Moreover, she truly was exhausted by the events of the last few days, not only – and not primarily – because of a physical struggle.

She was happy to think how well it all ended for them; but she was even happier to know that the entire upheaval could be now put behind them.

She peered at the boy walking next to her, and smiled seeing him nervously rubbing his neck, clearly desiring to raise some mysterious issue, yet not having the courage to do so. It was a gesture she hadn’t noticed him do earlier, and she couldn’t help wondering if it was only a one-time action, or was it a new habit that, for some reason, Hiccup developed exactly at this time.

Personally, she found it quite… adorable.

The Rider took notice of her intrigued glare, and confounded, he shifted uncomfortably, unable to understand the sudden interest in him.

“A-Astrid? What… What is it?” he asked, completely taken aback.

Good gods, hadn’t he already learnt how to control that stuttering?

“I was wondering what you are so focused on.”

“I… Ah, it’s nothing.” Pretending not to care, he waved his hand absently, even though he was well aware that Astrid wouldn’t ease up on him like that. In fact, he himself knew that there were thoughts he should voice – he simply didn’t feel like doing it at this particular moment. “I’m doing a review of the past few days, that’s all.”

“There certainly are things you should think over.”

Resigned, Hiccup sighed.

“Okay, I know what you’re trying to say. I acted like an idiot, believing in Heather’s stories in spite of all of the signs that something was wrong. I ignored all of your observations, I didn’t believe you when you told me about what you’d seen during that night, and -”

“Hiccup, stop.”

Even though the command obviously referred to the torrent of words that came out of the young Viking’s mouth, Hiccup halted in the most literal sense; having stopped like this, he glared at the girl that stood by his side, with a question reflecting in his bright, green eyes. Still, whatever it was that was happening inside of his head, Astrid gave him no time to pronounce it out loud.

“That’s not what I meant. All I’m saying is that a lot has happened recently, and that we all have issues we must reconsider. Although… it’s good you’re aware of your own mistakes.”

A sparkle that twinkled in her eyes while she was voicing the last sentence positively proved that she wasn’t going to let go of the matter completely. Hiccup snorted.

“You couldn’t just, I don’t know, comfort me?”

“I could. And I will, one day. When you earn it.”

“Amazing. So you agree I behaved like a moron?”

“You leave me no choice here.”

“Fantastic.” The boy looked away, not entirely sure how he should treat his best friend’s answer. On one hand, Astrid sharply cut off his remorseful speech, laughing up his explanations and general agitation – on the other, she openly admitted that she found his behaviour at least invalid, stupid even.

And even though it was no revelation to him, it didn’t make him feel a little bit better.

“You’re still angry with me, aren’t you?” he muttered, not even realising how accurately the tone of his voice conveyed the qualms that were still torturing him. “What am I asking, you must be. Exposing the island is one thing, but you yourself… No, please Astrid, let me finish this. It’s not even the fact I let them trick me, but even knowing what was going on, I insisted to stick to what I thought was true. When you came to tell me about Heather meeting the Outcasts… Gods, you don’t know how hard it is to talk about it.” He stroke his palm against his face, full of despise for his own being. “I don’t know what happened to me. After everything we’d been through, I should’ve trusted you, not her. And it’s all clear and obvious now, and that’s what you had every right to expect.”

His hand found its way to his neck again, and he still couldn’t force himself to look her straight in the eye. Astrid kept observing him silently, fully focused on that slightly incoherent, not entirely understandable dilatation.

Hiccup sighed again.

“That night I said things I never should have said. I had no right to assume that you were mistaken, and I surely shouldn’t have reject your warnings that easily. It won’t happen again. I just wanted to say… I’m sorry, Astrid.”

Not until he poured out the last word, did Hiccup dare to look up at the girl. Her facial expression showed nothing but concentration – her brows were furrowed, but revealed no ire, her mouth was closed, but it was not tightened. She was staring at him half-expectantly, without that spiteful, teasing grin – with no grin at all.

That was probably the worst part of it.

‘Say something. For the love of Thor, Astrid, please say something,’ the brunette Dragon Rider kept repeating in his thoughts. Till that moment he’d been assuming that Astrid can’t be too mad at him – until he himself voiced all of his guilts out loud.

She had every reason to be mad at him.

“You know, that last line would be enough.”

Roused from his own meditation, he focused his sight on her. She still looked absolutely serious, however, something in her glare told him she didn’t at all feel like being cross with him.

He swallowed nervously.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Though, as I was saying, it’s good you see what went wrong.”

“And you’re not upset?”

Astrid shrugged.

“Now, when it’s all over anyway? I think I’m too tired to argue with you at the moment.”

“That’s… understanding of you.”

“Which doesn’t mean I’ll forgive you.”

“Oh.”

“Or more like, I forgive, not forget. You can bet your leg I’ll bring it up at the suitable moment.”

“I don’t doubt that.” The boy allowed himself a shy smile. “All I need now is your ‘I told you so’.”

“Well, if you admit that I’ve earned it yourself, I don’t think there’s a point in me actually saying it.” Astrid smiled more widely, no longer able to hide the amusement that the sight of her intimidated, confused friend had caused.

As far as she could recall, Hiccup had been “different”. He’d been that quiet, private, isolated kid, in whose eyes playing with his peers (whose games, she had to admit, were far from refined) was much less entertaining that the almost legendary troll hunting and his own sketches.  He’d also been, or at least he’d seemed to be gauche, as though he couldn’t adjust to the world in which he’d come to live. He had always been smart, she had no doubts about that – but there was something in his behaviour that had made him look as if he’d been unable (or maybe, unwilling?) to use his outstanding intelligence to improve his existence on the isle of Berk.

And he’d constantly been baffled.

Each and every time she had happened to appear in the smithy, she was met by his perplexed stare; no matter what he’d been doing earlier, having noticed her he always came back to work with a doubled investment, as if he was trying to conceal the fact that he was aware of her presence in the first place, letting Gobber take her order instead.

It had always amused her, and she’d never thought it could have been anything improper. She knew she was pretty, and she knew what an impression her personality made on her peers. She neither took pride in it, nor let it vex her – she didn’t need Snotlout courting her to realise her worth, and she certainly could do without it. Yet, she couldn’t deny that she liked to compel awe.

Still, Snotlout’s importunity or Fishlegs’ amazed staring were one thing; Hiccup, as usual, was a very different matter. She couldn’t have said whether she’d liked him or not – they had hardly ever spoke, and even if they had, the boy had usually got lost in his own stammering, making the whole conversation an absolute failure anyway. Astrid had shrugged her shoulders then, and set off to her own business, totally and perfectly indifferent to the miserable boy she had been leaving behind her.

Hiccup had not disturbed her. That’s all that she could have said.

And then everything had changed. The Training, Toothless, the battle at the Dragon’s nest – the events from a year before not only had turned the life of Berk upside down, but they had directly influenced the boy without whom they wouldn’t have taken place. Hiccup had changed. He had grown in strength and reason, earning the sense that he was a worthy young man. He’d finally gained the confidence that his opinions had mattered – and suddenly, he’d stopped being afraid of sharing them.

The fair-haired warrior had finally found a companion, with whom she could simply talk, debate, dispute. Someone with whom she was able to cooperate.

However, as she was gazing at him now, she realised she was glad that the Viking hadn’t got rid of his shyness completely. Honestly speaking, it was a feature she pretty much liked about him.

She shook her head.

“Really, Hiccup. It’s fine.”

She nodded towards the village, wanting to end the discussion that in her own eyes seemed entirely unnecessary. Hiccup had understood his own silliness – and he had apologised for it. She needed nothing more.

The boy divined her thoughts, and with no further dallying, he set off in the pointed direction, close by the golden-haired girl’s side.

Toothless was following them close behind, reminding the Riders of his presence with occasional jogs, plainly eager for a flight. Still, his taunting remained unanswered – however tired the two friends were, they really didn’t feel like parting their ways just yet, even if they didn’t fully realised it themselves. They simply walked in silence together, focused on their own musing, enjoying the company of one another. At that time, it was all they wished for.

Despite all this, Hiccup couldn’t help but shoot furtive, uncertain glances in the direction of his dear friend, incapable of chasing away the thoughts that were invading his mind. Even assuming that the misunderstandings between them were clarified, the young leader still had a lot to think about.

And Gods, it wasn’t easy.

Glancing at the warrior that was walking beside him, he couldn’t not think of the danger in which she had been just a few hours earlier. Of course, he hadn’t doubted that Astrid would perform perfectly, eventually finding her way out of the trouble, all while staying safe and sound – she always had. Had he not had that confidence, he would never have agreed to carry out that insanely risky operation.

On the other hand, it was a plan prepared by the warrior herself, and he knew better than anyone that when Astrid set her mind on something, it was hard to talk her out of it. If there was one person on Berk that was more stubborn than he was, it was Astrid Hofferson.

“You’re sure about this?”

“No! But this is our only chance!”

That was all her.

They were marching closely by, so that their hands brushed repetitively. Astrid seemed not to notice, concentrating her sight on the path before her or sporadically peering at Toothless, who still hadn’t ceased to demand her attention. Her companion couldn’t force such an indifference on him, and tensely setting his teeth, he was once again thanking the deities that the girl was too busy to actually look at him.

He inhaled deeply, somewhat disappointed, and making sure Astrid’s attention was fully focused on the Night Fury that was pacing beside her, he fixed his gaze on his friend’s profile.

His friend. Exactly.

That was how he would describe her to anyone who’d ask him about the relationship that linked them, and what is more, it was also how he called her in his own meditations. They were friends, there was no doubt about that – Hiccup dared to think that their friendship was intimate and strong, and he was far from underestimating it. Astrid was more than just his advisor, his right-hand girl, his second in command. It was her he came to when finding a solution to his problems seemed impossible, it was her he asked for help when his own wit let him down. It was her with whom he first shared all of his plans.

Astrid supported him when everything appeared to be falling into pieces, and she never seemed to doubt in him, at the same time remaining perfectly ready to whack his head with a shield, when she  only realised that his ideas were getting out of the reason’s hold.

In other words, she trusted him to the point at which he had to trust her.

The Viking swore inwardly, recalling how much he’d abused that trust during the last few days.

‘What about us, Astrid?’ he asked himself, unable to take his eyes off her. ‘What is between us?’

He had put the question so many times already, and he still couldn’t find an answer that would satisfy him. If he’d been to explain the matter a dozen or so months earlier, he wouldn’t have had the slightest troubles doing so: shortly and truthfully, he would’ve responded that he was entirely infatuated, as strongly as only a fifteen years old boy can be – all while she paid him no mind whatsoever. Analysing his previous feelings, Hiccup had to agree that they were rather shallow and silly – but at least they weren’t as tangled up as the ones that were whirling inside of him presently.

However ridiculous it might seem, he really couldn’t define his attitude towards her. The old crush had long been gone, extruded by a healthy, firm, friendly relationship… and yet, Hiccup would have lied if he’d said that friendship was all he desired. It was like building a foundation for the further rapprochement, without which their acquaintance would have been – at most – nothing but a relation between a pair of naively besotted teenagers, and thus only a mere shadow of what it could become with the minimal involvement on their side.

He wanted to treat it seriously, and was convinced that rushing things would bring them no good – then again, the thought of Astrid concluding that she didn’t want anything more herself, terrified him. He reminded himself over and over again that he was overreacting, that he was dwelling on the subject too intensively – but it was of no use.

Maybe he was only sixteen years old. Maybe, in the eyes of the older generation he and Astrid were just a couple of kids, quite responsible, but surely far from maturity. This, however, did not mean that their emotions were any less important, nor that they deserved to be given less attention.

The dark-haired Rider had stopped looking at his companion long ago, instead boring into the ground below him. His metal prosthetic wasn’t clattering against the wooden panels of the dock’s platforms anymore, as they had left those in the distance behind them; the sky was darkening rapidly, and he remained silent, deaf and blind to the surrounding that changed around him.

He kicked a stone that happened to lie in his way.

“Hiccup?” Astrid roused him from that odd wistfulness. The boy met her glare, and immediately spotted the anxiety that was reflecting in her way too blue eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he denied a little too quickly. “Everything is fine.”

She raised her brows, not believing a single word of his.

“Hiccup.”

“What?”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“I wasn’t trying to lie.”

“Then tell me what this is all about.”

“What for?”

“Because I’m starting to worry.”

Once again was he to halt in his tracks, this time on his own account; but that surprised, he simply had to stop.

“What do you mean: worry? I’m fine.”

“First you stare at me for minutes, and then you can’t even look me in the eye properly. Don’t pull that face at me, just because I’m not looking, doesn’t mean I can’t see.”

“But -”

“Look, as for me, you’re way overthinking it. As always.” In the most natural manner she put a hand on his arm and squeezed it lightly. “I had to give you an earful, but that’s enough. It doesn’t matter if we meet Heather again or not, this particular episode is now behind us. Draw conclusions, but don’t stew.”

Hiccup smiled weakly.

“You almost sound as if you wanted to comfort me,” he mumbled. “But it’s not about Heather.”

“Then what is it about?”

“Nothing important.”

“You still can’t lie.”

He sighed ostentatiously.

“I’d just rather not answer that.”

‘But one day I will,’ he finished in his thoughts. One day. When he would finally deal with the doubts that were plaguing him, when he would sort out his own hopes and longing, finally, when he would muster the courage needed for the task – then he would answer her. All he could do was to pray to Odin that he wouldn’t miss his chance.

Astrid didn’t say a word, only nodding to show that she accepts his explanation. Then, she glanced at the house before which they had halted – her own house. Hiccup followed gaze; until that moment he hadn’t been aware that they had already reached the destination of their short journey. Something in his chest stung him unpleasantly when it occurred to him that in a very short while he would have to say his goodbye.

Hardly had he managed to realise that, he felt a punch on his shoulder, one that was way too strong for his liking.

“What on… Astrid!”

“That’s for not being honest with me,” the warrior answered his cry without the slightest falter. “And for making me upset during the last days. I forgive, not forget.”

And then, not giving him another second to think it through, she moved closer to him, and brushed her lips against his cheek.

“And that’s for everything else.”

And just like that, as if was the most obvious act in the world, she turned on her heel, and briskly ran upon the stairs that lead to her hut. Having opened the door, she hesitated, peered at the couple that was watching her from below; with a strangely uncertain grin she threw them a short ‘goodnight’ - and with that, she was gone.

Hiccup kept staring at the wooden frame for a long while, ignoring Toothless’ nudging, which was becoming more and more regular, while the dragon clearly was annoyed with the lack of attention of his human friend. At last, the boy looked down at him, shook his head on both Night Fury’s impatience and his own distraction, and jumped onto the saddle almost immediately after.

If he’d had problems figuring out the meaning of his own feelings earlier, he was not even trying to do it now; he well knew that it wouldn’t change a thing. At this point he could only count that his relationship with the blonde girl would clarify in some natural way, and that it would happen sometime soon.

The more rational part of his being was telling him it would be exactly the opposite.

[annwinter94]

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