#I still do all the errands cooking appointments etc

[werebutch]

My sister saying she’s the only one who cares about having a messy as fuck house like I haven’t been trying to change that for almost 10 years by myself with everyone else just not giving a shit enough to try.. ok. I have basically been mothering my father and sisters since I was 12. And you’re going to say this because you recently started doing the dishes a couple times a week. Ok 😁👍

[courtlyharlequin]

Hello! May I request the Diasomnia boys taking a familial role for the reader? For instance Lilia being the father, Malleus being the older brother, etc. it doesn’t have to be those in specific so feel free to put your own twist to it! I’ll love anything you write :) and thank you!

I Found It All On My Own

A/N: *weeps* I love Diasomnia's found family dynamics. I decided to do Lilia as the father figure, Malleus and Silver as older brothers and Sebek as like a twin brother in the same year? Oughdfhj I feel like with everything going on in chapter seven right now, these headcanons would be perfect to write. Don't worry there won't be major spoilers. Well, if you know then you can spot them, but they won't ruin the story for you (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Malleus Draconia

Malleus is naturally protective of everyone- especially the people he's close to. His family, if you will. Perhaps it's because he feels bound to his duty as a dorm leader, an heir, or maybe he knows how fragile life is. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt or be unhappy

He goes out of his way to intervene or watch you from afar... just to keep you safe. Malleus is like one of those older brothers that spy on you for "your own good" or "just to make sure"

Sometimes, Malleus would cast a spell to ensure whatever your date, errand, appointment, hangout with a friend, etc. goes well. There will be no rain, sleet or snow. Not a single loud in the sky. The weather will always be perfect. Everything would be too perfect.

If another party is late, makes a side remark or wrongs you, Malleus might entertain the idea of striking them with lightning. Or... slightly inconveniencing their day after they part ways with you.

If you pick up on it, you'd have to tell him. He wouldn't stop otherwise. In your heart, you know he means well. Malleus wants you to be happy no matter what. Your smile means the world to him. He truly enjoys hearing about your amazing day and how you smile when you show him the things you bought or the grades you got, but how can there be good days if there are no bad ones or any mishaps?

Reassure him that if you ever need help, you'd ask him. If there's anyone in the world capable of protecting you and coming to you when you need someone the most- it's Malleus. Tell him that and he'll be trying to hide his smug smile all day.

Lilia Vanrouge:

He's a father figure for many, including you. While not the best cook and using... conventional methods of parenting on some occasions, Lilia is someone you'd accidentally call dad

His age is most certainly a factor, but it's also how he always tells you stories from the past or invites you to sit down and play some video games with him after a long day. Like a dad who doesn't know how to comfort you, but tries his best anyways.

Another way Lilia comforts you, or rather, shows his love is buying whatever you seem to like eating at the moment. Oh these frozen waffles taste good? He'd get you a few more boxes for good measure. He can't cook, but he'll get you all your favorite snacks and frozen meals.

Like Malleus, Lilia also looks after you. He just isn't as much of a helicopter as Malleus is. So maybe not like Malleus.

Lilia simply asks you about your day. He's quite perceptive and has incredible intuition so even if you lie, he knows something is up. He won't ever ask you directly, believing that you could figure it out eventually. Still, he quips the typical dad thing and says that he'll always be here if you need him. You could tell him anything!

Not that you would. Teenagers tend to be more reluctant to share things with their guardians. He would know. He was that age some centuries ago.

...He might meddle a little if he sees you struggle a too much though. If you have trouble making friends, Lilia might ask Silver to befriend you. Or at least walk you to class and make some small talk

Silver:

Silver is little more subtle than Malleus and Lilia when it comes to showing love and looking out for you. He won't buy you too much food or curse your worst enemy, but he'll support you!

He's never had a younger sibling and you're the closest thing to that he has. He cherishes you a lot because of that

His speech isn't as eloquent as Lilia's nor is he as powerful as Malleus, but you can always count on him to show up for you. You have a recital or speech to give? He'll be there. You post something on social media? He's the first like. He won't comment, but he'll like the post. And reblog/retweet it if you need more exposure

He also wouldn't mind if you steal some of his stuff... in moderation. Silver doesn't get irritated easily. He's fairly lax when it comes to these things so if you want something- be it food, clothes, some school supplies- all you have to do is ask

Silver is the dream big brother most siblings would want. You and him rarely ever argue. He's got a decent temperament and hypes you up when you need it.

He'll also agree to help you hide something if you really don't want Lilia or Malleus to know. Silver will recommend you tell them about it, but if you insist... then he won't push it. He'll be hesitant, but he won't spill the beans.

Silver also has this inability to be not so good at comforting (maybe he gets it from Lilia), but he tries his best. He's not good with deep, long conversations about life or growing, but he would one hundred percent listen to you and pat your back or head depending on the situation

Sebek Zigvolt:

If Silver is the sibling you get along with, then Sebek is the one you don't get along with. Neither of you hate the other, it's more so constant bickering over trivial matters

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"How do you know I'm looking at you? Aren't you the one looking at me?"

Nevertheless, like most sibling relationships, at the end of the day, you still love each other. Sebek isn't as soft spoken like Silver. He doesn't show love like Lilia or Malleus either. He's a bit on the harsher side, but his actions will somehow always speak louder than his blunt words.

Sebek will help you with your homework. He won't do a full on tutoring session, but he'll show you how to solve a problem or two. He might even lend you his notes. From the bottom of his heart, he really does want you to succeed.

If you need someone to give you the truth and nothing but the truth, Sebek is the one to go to. He doesn't sugarcoat his opinion that often. If that sweater looks ugly, he'll tell you if you show it to him

Sebek also won't hesitate to call out anyone who says something mean to you. Though the two of may have your back and forths, the things he says to you are never truly hurtful. Sebek doesn't fully realize it, still calling you "human", but he does worry about you from time to time. What kind of trouble would you get into? Would he be able to help?

He doesn't have many friends or siblings... Silver hardly counts in his eyes. You sort of count? He's fond of you to say the least. He'd like to pat your head like Silver does one day.

[zayndrivesmeinvain]

The One that Got Away - Part 2

A.N. - Part 2 is here!! Thank you to everyone who is enjoying this story thus far... please don't be scared to drop in comments, anons, questions, etc! Thank you for all of the support. xo!

Pairing: Single Dad Harry Styles

Summary: We get into Harry's head - the day he has been longing for is finally here - his year long-term girlfriend finally gets to meet the two most important girls in his life: his mother & his daughter. However, Harry wonders if it's going to go as perfect as he hopes or will there be bumps along the rode?

Word Count: 4.9K

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Harry 

-

The Day has come, Elizabeth is not only meeting my parents but also my biggest pride and joy, Aria. It’s almost as though the universe is on my side - it’s at the tail end of summer where the humidity and heat are nearing the end but it’s still too hot outside during the day. I informed Alena that I will be picking Aria up around 11:00 AM so that way I can spend some time with Aria before we go to my parents and then I can go pick up Elizabeth. 

I stretch my arms across my bed and grab my phone off of my nightstand - the bright phone illuminating my very dark bedroom. My phone clearly reads 6:32 AM, which gives me some time to clean my place up, run some errands, go to the gym and then go pick up my Angel. 

Once I unlock my phone I see some notifications and emails that came through last night from some employees that include some scheduling changes, new possible clients, updates on current clients, etc. as well as two texts from my parents expressing their excitement to see Aria tonight as well as finally meet Elizabeth.

-

The day went by quickly, I started my day off by cleaning around the house and putting on fresh clean sheets for my Angel. Aria's room is princess themed, pale pink walls with a plush toddler bed filled with pillows and stuffed animals. She insisted that pictures of her and her stuffed animals be displayed across a picture light line, which illuminates her whole space when the lights are completely off. I am also fortunate enough to be able to give her; her own bathroom which is attached to her bedroom… something I am sure she will appreciate the older she gets. When I think about it, her room is the only space in my whole home that has that much color, the rest of my house is full of neutral colors with masculine accents and as much as I love it, it lacks the femininity most homes have which is why I went out last week and bought a few candles that I have scattered throughout the house. 

After organizing Aria’s room, I made my way to the gym as well as the grocery store: something else I lacked in my house, food. I’m not the best chef and I mostly eat out during the week or on occasion I will stop by my parents or Elizabeth's house for a home cooked meal. However, when Aria is here on the weekends I do my absolute best to have a stocked pantry and fridge for whatever she may be in the mood for. 

I try my hardest but by no means am I the perfect father. To be quite candid, when I found out that her mother was pregnant with her my heart sank to the floor… I was not ready to be a father. I was still early in my college career, my party stage: I was sleeping with multiple girls at a time, practically fucking someone new each day and even twice in the same day, I was drinking and smoking excessively and I felt like she was going to be such a burden on my life but I was completely wrong. The first appointment I went to with her mother, I was able to hear her little heart beat and in that moment I knew that I needed to change and be the best person I could possibly be because that little girl was going to be dependent on me. Shortly after her birth, I was able to cram in as many classes as possible and intern at my fathers law-firm which has led me down my current career path. My dream and goal is to be able to run that place myself and let my father retire,however, until that day comes I will let him shine. 

-

It’s a little before 11 AM and I have just arrived at Alena’s house. She lives in a quiet little neighborhood, filled with other kids and families alike. Her single family home is located at the end of the street which allows for her to have a bit bigger yard than the rest of her neighbors which I’m sure she loves because Aria gets a little more extra yard space to play in. It’s a newer model, which my father and I helped her buy. Alena is able to take care of herself just fine, however, I vowed to myself that I would do my best to give my child the best life which meant moving her mother into a safer neighborhood and a better school district than she was once located in. 

I make my way up her drive-way and to her front door and ring her doorbell. It takes a minute, however, I am greeted by the sweetest sight - Aria is dressed in a jean overall dress with a frilly pink shirt underneath. Her mom has clicked her hair back out of her face but a sparkly clip ahas let her chestnut curls flow down. 

“Daddy! I’m so happy to see you” my little angel is beaming up at me as I pick her up into my arms and make my way into her mothers home. Alena is standing right next to the front door and allows me to step in. 

“She’s been waiting all morning for you to come - she had us pack her bag last night and only made me change her outfit three times this morning.” I can’t help but smile as her mother tells me how excited my baby is to spend time with me. I really do adore this child with my whole heart. 

“ Well Bubs, Daddy can’t wait to spend the whole weekend with you too.” My baby girl is still in my arms as I make my way into the home and sit down on the couch with her and her mother has invited me to stay for a few minutes while Aria finishes cleaning up her room before she leaves for the weekend. 

Alena’s voice takes me out of trance. “Would you like some coffee while you wait? I just finished brewing some.” 

“ Y-Y-Yeah, thank you.” The air feels thick here. 

While Alena makes her way into her kitchen, I can’t help myself from staring at her. She’s always been a gorgeous girl, but now has most definitely transformed into a woman. Growing up she was always on the thinner side, with a little plumpness to her ass and her breasts but after having Aria her body has changed. Alena’s hips have grown to be a little wider and her thighs seem to be a little thicker, her breasts seem to be slightly bigger and might I say even a bit perkier. That once smaller ass has definitely grown with her as well. I would be lying to myself if I said she still isn’t one of the most beautiful women I have ever encountered. 

My heart instantly feels guilty though, the girl that I used to make laugh and smile ia filled with hatred and disdain due to my unfaithfulness. As I have explained previously, I by no means was a saint to Alena… I didn’t even know what the word faithful meant. Instead of keeping her pure and happy, I felt the need to go find satisfaction somewhere else and would often bury my cock in another girl while Alena and I tried the long distance thing while we were both away at different colleges. I was selfish because I couldn’t wait a weekend or two for her to come home and satisfy my needs, so I went and found other girls to satisfy me during the week and weekends she was busy. I am not proud to admit this and it’s honestly one of my biggest regrets in life to do this day but I broke her, lost her trust, and she probably still hates me. 

Her voice pulls me out of a trance once again, “ How would you like your coffee?” 

“I drink it black - good for the soul.�� I try to keep conversation light to keep the mood and room feeling happy but I don’t think she wants to engage in anything further, all she gives is a small smile and hands me a mug with black coffee. 

“She’s off from school on Monday, if you’d like to keep her an extra day… I’m sure she’d love to spend the time with you…” but before I can even get in a word she cuts me off, “But if you have plans with your girlfriend or something, it’s okay. I know it’s last minute.”

“My daughter comes before anyone else - you already know this. I’ll have her back Monday after dinner if that’s okay.” I try my best to fill the awkwardness by taking a sip of coffee and letting room for her to speak but I don’t get nothing but a head nod and a quiet, “That’s fine.” 

Before it could get even more awkward, Aria makes her way into the living room and announces that she is ready for the weekend with me. She and her mother exchange a few hugs and kisses before we make our way out the door. 

Before her mother shuts the door behind us, she yells out to Aria, “ You better behave for daddy while you’re with him or no more late movie nights when you get back for a whole week!” 

I would be lying to myself if I don't admit that hearing Alena reference me as daddy didn’t make my cock twitch a little. 

- 

Aria and I have been at my parents for the last 3 hours and it’s almost time for me to go pick up Elizabeth. My heart is pounding out of my chest. Besides Alena, my parents have never met another girlfriend of mine, but that’s mostly due to us not staying together or constantly breaking up. I had this one girlfriend about a year ago. Her name was Camila. Camila was a beautiful bombshell, gorgeous body with long blonde hair but she was so irritating and sharp as a bowling ball… we had nothing in common but she was great in bed and satisfied my needs. But that wasn’t her biggest downfall - her biggest downfall was that she was extremely insecure and even if another woman walked in my direction she thought I had eyes for them, which was not the case. Ultimately, we were on and off for about 2 years but I figured I wouldn’t tell anyone because I knew she wasn’t going to be in it for the long haul and was only a temporary fix to my desire and need to have someone around. 

However, when I met Elizabeth shortly after Camila, I knew she was different. Elizabeth is poised, elegant but most definitely has an erotic side that fits in perfectly with my desires. She’s about 5’8 with jet black hair that hits the middle of her back, and more on the athletic build. She has these gorgeous bright blue eyes that remind me of the ocean and the most sexy smile. She’s knowledgeable, smart and sophisticated and I can actually hold a conversation with her - and to top it off she has a good heart. As much as I deeply care for her, tonight will be the true testament on what the next steps are in our relationship because if tonight doesn’t go best I am hoping, then I have a lot to reconsider. 

“Aria, baby… daddy is going to be right back. I’m going to go pick-up one of my friends and bring her over. Okay?” Aria, my parents and I have been sitting in the backyard for the last hour, Aria has sprawled out on me and she’s been trying to fight a nap. Her mother informed me that, around this time she puts her down for a nap because she will get cranky and boy was she right. 

“N-No, please d-d-dont go.” her eyes started to spark up tears, she digs her head further into my chest and closes her grip onto my shirt. I truly have never seen this side of her, it seems as though her mother sees it all the time though. Her mother warned me about her restlessness and how quickly she can go from a sweet angel to a saucy devil. 

“Baby, Daddy won’t be gone for long..” I moved her off of my chest softly, so I can look into her eyes as I speak to her. I want her to know that she is safe with me - she is loved and I would never break my promises to her. Her tears have already started to mark her clothes and I do the best I can wiping her tears away with my thumbs. “ I promise when I get back, we can play as much as you want.” I place tender kisses on her forehead all the way down to her little toes until I spark that laugh that sounds like music to my ears. 

- 

The whole drive to Elizabeth’s my stomach was in knots. I really don’t have anything to be nervous about, but here I am, sweating like a prostitute in church. The drive to Elizabeths from my parents house was close to a 35-minute drive, enough time to be alone with her, but not too much time away from Aria. 

When I arrive at Elizabeth's apartment complex, I send her a text that I am waiting for her outside. I originally had insisted that I’d come inside to pick her up, which I have done plenty of times before, however, she let me know that she had her sister staying with her temporarily due to a her sisters awful break-up and she thinks that seeing another male species will only infuriate her sister even more. 

Elizabeth looks absolutely divine making her way to my car. She has a beautiful sundress that is a shade of cream, with spaghetti straps that tie on the ends. Her sundress hits just to the mid of her calf and she has on these tan sandals. Her jet black hair has been curled on the ends, and her make-up seems to be done-up more than usual. She’s effortlessly gorgeous. 

“Well hello there m’darling.” her perfume encapsulates my car, it’s vanilla. “I missed you,Harry.” Her plump pink lips meet with mine and all I can think about is wanting to devour her later. Her lips taste like cherry, and I notice that some of her lipstick has rubbed off on me. 

“Har, I’m nervous…” her voice was much more timid than I was used to hearing. 

“M’darling, there’s absolutely nothing to be nervous about. It’s all going to go well.” I don’t know if it was saying all of this to convince her or me because to be honest I was nervous as well. I use my free hand to rub small circles around her thigh. 

“Have you ever introduced her to any other girlfriends of yours?” I know she’s just trying to make small talk because we had this same conversation just earlier this week. 

“Nope, you’re the first one.” I passed a small smirk over to her in hopes that it would comfort her and from the looks of it, her nerves must have calmed down a bit because her cheeks aren’t as flush. 

“Har, what if she doesn’t like me? I mean, she doesn't have to but I would like her too.” she's starting to ramble, something I noticed she does when she wants to get her feelings out but doesn’t want to come off as too pushy or demanding or even opinionated. The first time I picked up on this trait was when she stayed over my house for the first time. We had just gotten out of the shower together, and I stepped out of the shower without wrapping myself in a towel first, and she was mortified because my tile flooring was soaked, and she deemed it as a slipping hazard. She says she wasn’t trying to be a nag, but all she did that night was express to me all the different ways she and I could have gotten hurt. 

“M’darling, I have a feeling she’s going to love you. However, just try and stay open minded and not too handsy infront of her - I must warn you… she can get a little overprotective at times, Alena and I are working on teaching her the importance of sharing.” The mention of my daughter's mother seems to have struck a chord in Elizabeth's mood but I’m going to blame it on her nerves, rather than anything else. 

The rest of the 20 minute ride to my parents was spent in silence, with the radio being used more so as background noise than actually for listening. By no means did I make that comment to upset Elizabeth, however, she is fully aware of the relationship I have with Alena. I have explained to her once before that Alena and I are just two people who are co parenting - I wouldn’t even call us friends at this point in time. Alena and I rarely communicate, unless it is solely about Aria but we do text each other Happy Birthday every year but even that seems forced. When I think about it, the best way to describe it is that I have love for her but I am not in love with her. My love for her comes from the fact that she is primarily raising our daughter, cares for our daughter, and is the absolute best mother to our daughter and I have massive respect for her, but that is it. 

“Well we’re here, Babe. Let’s go show them how beautiful you are inside and out.” I pulled Elizabeth in for a tender kiss on her lips, my hands cupping her face gently.I don’t want a silly comment to ruin her mood for the rest of the night, nor do I ever want her to worry about how much I care about her and how much she means. 

“I’m ready, Har.” a large smile was plastered on her face - there’s the Elizabeth that I know. 

-

So far, so good. My mom Anne, was already so smitten with Elizabeth - they apparently already have so much in common from what books they enjoy reading, reality TV shows they enjoy to even their favorite stores, it’s almost like they are the same person the only difference is their looks. My mom is a petite woman with dark chocolate brown hair, and her eyes are the color of the sea, her smile is the best part of her - it could light up any room. Throughout my whole life, my mother has been my biggest supporter, even when I was being a piece of shit son and a horrible partner to Aria’s mom. The one quality I admire the most about my mother is her ability to forgive - when I was around the age of sixteen, my father had an affair with his then receptionist. I remember her, she was this beautiful bombshell with the biggest tits and always wore very tight pencil skirts. My father hadn’t come home for dinner yet and it was getting late, my mother had called him at least twice and she had asked me to go with her to his office in case something was wrong and when we got there, there was definitely something not right. All the lights in his firm had been dimmed besides his office and we could hear quiet muffles coming from down the hall. When I tell you, I’ve never been so heart broken for my mother. I am not joking. There my father was, plowing into his reception while her skirt was hiked up to her hips, her tits bouncing up and down while she rode him. Her mouth was gaped open while she moaned obnoxiously, by the time she and my father noticed that my mother and I were watching, they were both coming down from their high. 

That night was one of the worst nights of my life - my perfect family that I once knew was broken and I was positive that it would never be fixed. It took my mother 2 years to discuss with my father what had happened that night and how it made her feel. For two years, my father temporarily lived in an apartment because my mom did not allow him to come home - even though it was his house that he had bought. My father, even though a tough man, knew he had fucked up and he was not man enough to face my mother until she was ready, a man who rarely wined and dined my mother was now sending her flowers and gifts almost every day, but my mother never accepted them - all she wanted was a faithful husband who loved her and no one else. I believe that my fathers infidelity dimmed my mothers light for a while, however, when she learned of my infidelity and crazy antics when I was younger, that really broke her. My mother believed that she failed as a parent because I grew up to just be like my father, a cheater. 

Fast forward to now, my mother and father still live in the same house but I can tell that everything is much much different now. My mother doesn’t smile or laugh as much as she used. She has lost a bit of weight and now started to wear clothes that accentuate her body ever so slightly. My father doesn’t go into the office as much and prefers to work from home, he likes to say it’s because he’s trying to let me get my feet wet into the business and he wants to be behind the scenes but I know it’s because my mother doesn’t trust him anymore and he wants nothing more to regain her trust. 

- 

“Honey, Harry here tells us that you work at an account firm. How do you like it?” We’re sitting outside on the patio deck, and my mom has just brought out the last of the dinner for everyone. 

“Oh yes, it’s honestly really great. I really love the people I work for and really enjoy my profession. I’ve always been so interested in numbers and accounting.” Elizabeth is beaming a smile over to my mother, and my mother just seems like she is in complete awe of her. 

“Oh that's just wonderful! And how long have you been with this company?” I appreciate the effort my mothers makes to make Elizabeth comfortable, but all she’s been doing is asking this poor girl questions, she hasn’t even had the chance to really let her eat. 

“ Oh, just over two years now. I originally started off as an intern but have started to make my way up. I’m currently working as a front desk operator, but they say a position should be opening up very shortly which will allow me to move up in my career.” Finally, Elizabeths able to take a bite of her dinner. 

“It’s allowed me to learn a lot of the administrative aspects of the business, so I’ve learned to really appreciate how much detailing goes into their day to day to make everyone else's job easy as possible, to be honest, before my initial internship I didn’t really understand what exactly it meant to be an accountant… I just knew that's what I was supposed to do in life.” Before my mother could follow-up in the conversation, a small frame was standing at the sliding doors as they had just woken up. 

Right as I had arrived with Elizabeth to my parents house, my mother had texted me to inform me that Aria had fallen asleep for her nap. As much as I would have loved to have a grand reveal meeting between Elizabeth and Aria, my baby’s nap was most important. 

“ Oh look who woke up from their nap.” my baby girl slid the doors open and made her way into my arms. It was obvious that she was still groggy because she didn’t even acknowledge the people around us, all she managed to do was place her head in the crook of my neck. 

“Bubs, I have a special friend I want’ya to meet.” I could tell that Elizabeth was hoping for the best, her eyes were full of eagerness. Aria turned her body away from me and looked in Elizabeth’s direction. I was treading with caution and allowing Aria to lead the way into this new interaction, I didn’t want to push her if she wasn’t ready. Aria didn’t say much but she did manage to smile shyly and give her a wave, which I think is a good start. 

“ Hi my name’s Elizabeth, what’s yours?” Elizabeth hesitantly placed her hand out for a hand shake and surprisingly Aria took the bait and shook Elizabeth's hand back. 

“ My name’s Aria.” she was a shy one tonight. 

For the rest of the night, Aria didn’t interact much with Elizabeth, she primarily just sat on my lap while she played with her toys. I can tell that Elizabeth wants to try and interact with Aria more but doesn’t want to push the issue anymore, I can sense her hope for a relationship but I had warned her about this. I had warned her that this was all still very new for Aria, myself and even her mother. 

-

The night was coming to an end, it was roughly a bit after 9:30 PM, and Aria has fallen asleep on my parents' living room sofa. My mom suggested I take Elizabeth home first and then come back for Aria, she said it would give us some “alone time”. 

The drive back to Elizabeth’s started off quiet but I finally broke the silence. 

“I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you had expected. I’m positive she’ll warm up soon enough, my love.” I placed my hand gently on her thigh and traced small circles on her knee. 

“Har, there’s nothing to apologize about. She doesn’t know me…” I could sense the disappointment in her voice but there was only so much I could do or say, things like this take time especially when another parent is involved. “ Har, I think we need to focus on our relationship and build it before we try to do things all together again - I can sense the love you and your daughter share, however, I don’t think she’s ready for you to share her with me.” 

“ Elizabeth, I’m sorry you feel this way but I believe I made it very clear to you that above all I am a father. I don’t think it’s fair to make a judgment call based on one interaction.” Her confession irritates me because I did not lead her on to believe that anyone or anything would come above Aria. 

“ You have made it clear to me, multiple times actually. I love spending time with you, being with you, loving you. But I don’t think you’re actually as ready as you think you are to allow me in, in regard to that part of your life.” 

We have approached her building complex, she hasn’t gotten out of the car yet but I also haven’t asked her to. 

“ Har, you’re a great guy but I think you have a lot to think about. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready… I would never in a million years try to take you away from your daughter, but I also want to make sure that you’re actually ready for something serious.” she turns her body so she's now facing me.

“ I want you to be with me effortlessly, I don’t want to feel like I am competing for your attention, and right now… and even times before, it feels like no matter what I say, you’re always bringing up your daughter in some way as an excuse as to why something can’t happen or something can’t be done or it doesn’t meet expectations, or whatever. Harry, I want you but I need you to want me too and be ready for me and all that comes with being in an actual mutually loving relationship. Does that make sense?” 

Her words were harsh, but they were true. She was coming from a place of love, her voice stayed calm and gentle, yet they were full of emotion. I feel horrible that I have made her feel this way, yet she seems so understanding… As much as I care for this woman, I am not ready for her. 

“I’m sorry for dragging you along this whole time, when you did not feel as though I was fully there for you.” I gently grab her hands into mine. “ I want to continue seeing you and growing with you… but I think you’re right.” It actually really hurts to admit this out loud, but it needed to be said. “ Where do we go from here?” I don’t want this to end, I care for her alot and before she even gets the chance to respond I blurt out the only thing that comes to mind. 

“Liz, I love you.” 

Tagged List: @wittlecritter @gurugirl @kathb59 @betchyharry @styles1999

[nickeverdeen]

Can I ask for some jesse x pregnant!reader headcanons? What is he like when reader is pregnant, how did he found out, how is he protective of reader or if he thinks patrols are still a good idea, what does he do when reader has food cravings, etc

I don’t really know a lot about pregnancy, so if I messed something up feel free to tell me and I’m sorry if I did

————————————————————

Jesse x pregnant!reader

Jesse is incredibly attentive and caring during your pregnancy, constantly checking in on your well-being and making sure you’re comfortable

He takes on extra responsibilities around the house to help ease your workload, whether it’s cooking meals, doing chores, or running errands

Jesse loves feeling the baby kick and often places his hand on your stomach, talking to the baby and feeling a sense of wonder and excitement

He accompanies you to doctor’s appointments and birthing classes, offering emotional support and being actively involved in the pregnancy journey

Jesse is a great listener and provides a comforting presence for you when you experience mood swings or emotional moments during pregnancy

He enjoys pampering you with back rubs, and other forms of physical comfort to alleviate any pregnancy-related discomfort

Jesse researches pregnancy and childbirth extensively, eager to learn everything he can to support you and be prepared for the arrival of their baby

He enthusiastically participates in creating a birth plan with you, discussing your preferences for labor and delivery and ensuring your wishes are respected

He showers you with love and affection, expressing his admiration for your strength and resilience as you carry the child

Jesse celebrates pregnancy milestones with you, from hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time to feeling the baby move and grow

He encourages you to stay active and engaged during pregnancy, going for walks together and enjoying outdoor activities

Jesse creates a nurturing and supportive environment for you to rest and relax, ensuring you have plenty of pillows and blankets for comfortable sleep

Jesse talks to the baby in the womb, sharing stories, humming songs, and expressing his love and excitement for their future together as a family

He prioritizes open communication with you, discussing any concerns or fears you may have about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood

Jesse finds out about the pregnancy when you are attacked and taken to the infirmary. The person taking care of you realizes you’re pregnant and informs Jesse

At first, Jesse is stunned by the news, his mind racing with a mix of emotions ranging from disbelief to joy

He rushes to the infirmary, his heart pounding with concern as he sees you lying on the bed, your condition stabilized but still fragile

He stays by your side throughout your time in the infirmary, offering you comfort and reassurance as you process the news together

Jesse becomes hyper-aware of potential dangers around, constantly scanning their surroundings to ensure the safety of both you and your unborn child

Jesse always walks closest to the road when you’re out together, instinctively positioning himself between you and any potential threats

He’s vigilant about monitoring your health during pregnancy, making sure you’re both following the doctor’s recommendations

Jesse carries a small first aid kit with him at all times, just in case you’d need immediate medical attention

Jesse insists on driving whenever you’re together, wanting to minimize any potential risks associated with public transportation or walking

Jesse takes the time to reassure you regularly, reminding you that he’s there to protect and support you no matter what

Initially, Jesse is hesitant about continuing patrols, fearing that they might put you and your unborn child at risk

However, after discussing it with you and weighing the pros and cons, he decides to continue patrolling, albeit with additional precautions in place

Jesse insists on modifying your patrol routes to avoid potentially dangerous areas, opting for safer routes with more visibility and less foot traffic

He suggests adjusting the patrol schedule to avoid late nights or high-risk times, prioritizing your safety above all else

Jesse emphasizes the importance of staying vigilant during patrols, constantly scanning their surroundings and remaining aware of any suspicious activity

He encourages you to speak up if you ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe during patrols, reassuring you that your well-being is the top priority

He prioritizes de-escalation techniques and conflict resolution strategies during patrols, aiming to minimize potential confrontations and keep you out of harm’s way

Jesse regularly reassesses the patrol procedures and protocols, seeking feedback from you and adjusting the approach as needed to ensure maximum safety

He remains open to alternative patrol strategies and tactics, willing to adapt and evolve methods based on your comfort level and changing circumstances

Jesse takes the time to debrief with you after each patrol, discussing any incidents or concerns and brainstorming ways to improve both his and yours approach in the future

Despite the inherent risks, Jesse ultimately believes that patrols are still a valuable tool for protecting their city and ensuring a safer environment for you and your unborn child

Jesse makes a note of your food cravings and ensures you always have your favorite snacks readily available

He keeps a stash of your preferred treats stocked at home, anticipating your cravings and making sure you’re never without your favorite snacks

Jesse takes your food cravings seriously, making it a priority to fulfill those requests no matter how unusual or specific they may be

He accompanies you on late-night food runs to satisfy your cravings, offering moral support and ensuring you get exactly what you’re craving

Jesse learns how to prepare your favorite dishes himself, eager to surprise you with homemade versions of your preferred indulgences

He maintains a list of your favorite restaurants and eateries, ready to place orders for takeout or delivery whenever a craving strikes

He surprises you with thoughtful gestures related to your cravings, such as organizing themed snack nights or preparing elaborate meals centered around your favorite foods

He prioritizes your comfort and satisfaction when it comes to food, always ensuring you have access to whatever you’re craving to make your pregnancy as enjoyable as possible

Jesse takes pride in being your go-to snack provider and culinary companion during your pregnancy, relishing the opportunity to indulge your cravings and make you feel cherished and cared for

He plans special date nights at home, creating cozy and romantic environments where you can unwind and enjoy quality time together without having to leave the comfort of your own space

He attends prenatal appointments and ultrasounds with you, eager to be involved in your pregnancy journey and support you every step of the way

Jesse sets up a comfortable and relaxing space for you to rest and unwind, complete with plush pillows, soft blankets, and soothing ambiance to help you feel calm and comfortable

He encourages you to prioritize self-care and relaxation, reminding you to take breaks when needed and offering gentle massages to help alleviate any discomfort or tension

Jesse prioritizes your comfort and well-being above all else, adjusting his routines and schedules to accommodate your needs and preferences as you navigate the challenges and joys of pregnancy

[silkjade]

hello!!! i really enjoy reading ur writing~ like, from the wedding dates post it was love at first read hehe pls keep it up!!

n e wayz, i just got back from a medical operation (it was successful!!) and would it be alright to request some hcs of how diluc, childe, itto, thoma, and al-haitham (separately) would take care of an s/o who’s recovering post-op??? no pressure ofco ^-^

glad your op was successful, anon! ^^ wishing you a smooth and speedy recovery!

genshin men taking care of you after a medical operation

⤀ Featuring— diluc, childe, itto, thoma, al-haitham (written pre-release)

⤀ gn!reader, modern au, mentions of medication, use of pet names (babe)

DILUC

he’s taking as much time off as he possibly can to spend with you. if he really can’t be home atm, he’s got his whole team of staff behind him so you’re never alone

the first few days might be rough because of the pain so he tries his best to keep your mind off of it by telling you embarrassing stories of himself, kaeya, and jean from when they were kids

if you need to just vent, diluc’s a great listener; he listens to all your complaints without offering any solutions so go off!

he changes your bandages with the tenderest of touches and places a feather light kiss on top when he’s finished

he isn't really one for television, but will watch with you if you are; who knows he might even get just a teeny tiny bit invested in the reality show you're watching. he doesn't mean to but he'd make the funniest comments (underrated comedian)

but.... he would enjoy doing puzzles with you like a 500 piece puzzle because the 1,000 piece ones can get kind of messy

his driver takes you to all your follow-up appointments so that he can stay with you in the back himself

when you’re well enough, he takes you on short strolls through his vineyard, with your arm linked through his and your head resting on his shoulder. it’s ok you can lean on him, he’s strong

CHILDE

this man has a big family, he is well versed in the art of caretaking. and yet they still show up with a ton of homemade food, remedies, supplies, etc because you’re basically already one of them

he’s actually really strict on making sure you follow discharge instructions, like anything that strays off, it’s:

“sorry, not until we get the doctor’s approval at your next appointment”

childe keeps you up-to-date with all the new tech stuff, so you guys basically have a smart room. ‘alexa dim the lights’ ; ‘alexa turn on the tv’ etc. and he definitely has all the streaming services so you never run out of things to watch

if you’d rather play video games, he’ll let you win without making it super obvious

some oral medications can be a pain to swallow so he makes sure to give you lots of little kisses as a reward

on the more difficult nights, he’ll lay in bed next to you, propped on an elbow with his other hand playing with your hair. it’s very calming especially when he hums and softly sings you snezhnayan lullabies

100% will cook and clean and do the dishes, but doesn’t really want to leave you alone while he goes to the store, so he’s been instacarting almost all your groceries. don’t worry about the expenses though, it’s on him he says as he pulls out his work credit card (it’s actually on pantalone; he texts you that he’ll turn a blind eye to these charges so consider it your ‘get well soon’ gift)

ITTO

itto is very eager to take care of you since it’s usually the other way around; he’s so grateful you trust him in such a vulnerable state, he just wants to do his best and show you how much he loves and appreciates you

....so he definitely wrote to ms. hina for advice the moment you scheduled your operation

before he goes in to pick you up, he’s in the hospital parking lot giving his boys a speech like

“be extra careful around them and mind what you say alright?” you know this because shinobu recorded it and sent it to you

of course they volunteered to help out with daily errands so that their boss can focus on taking care of you

he brings you flowers when picking you up and a silly little ‘get well soon’ card that makes you laugh because it has a dumb pun

to show solidarity, if you're on a strict dietary plan... he's on a strict dietary plan

your comfort is super important to him so it is a no judgment zone here; maybe you feel weird about things like going to the bathroom or taking sponge baths, but itto is sure to completely reassure you there’s nothing to be embarrassed about

“nothing to be worried about babe, it’s all part of the process. I know what I signed up for”

THOMA

he decorates your home as a surprise! just a little something to brighten it up since you’re going to be stuck indoors for awhile

pampers you and treats you like royalty. once you arrive home, all the house chores are already done, your pillows are fluffed, need anything? he’s at your beck and call

makes the best homemade meals— delicious, nutritious, and follows any dietary guidelines

also has some ready in the fridge to heat up just incase you get hungry while he’s out running errands

definitely bought those little pill boxes that have the days of the week on them so you have all your meds organized already. he refills them for you weekly too

he's good at reading your moods, so he can easily tell whether you want his company or whether you want some space; he doesn't mind either way, whatever you need

thoma is an overall very upbeat person and keeps a positive mindset, however... sometimes it can get a little...too much? a little overwhelming? but! he understands how frustrating the recovery process can be so he takes it like a champ when you get a little snappy with him

AL-HAITHAM

he’s a nerd and a perfectionist, he read up on everything; your procedure, any medications, side effects, recovery, etc and still bombards the doctors and nurses with questions

honestly he is a little nervous since you’re in a delicate state and he doesn’t have a lot of experience as a caretaker

makes you take your medications at the exact hour you’re supposed to; every 12 hours? he’s hounding you at 8am and 8pm sharp

shhh he doesn’t know this but you accidentally caught him on the phone with an old acquaintance from liyue, scribbling down the recipe for an herbal nourishing soup

on your better days, he pampers you by not letting you skip your nightly skincare routine and even applies it for you

can be a bit of a mother hen which is a pretty stark contrast to his usual, more aloof personality. it’s a mental game you’re playing with yourself, counting the amount of times he peeps in to check on you

finally you call him over and he does the thing where he kneels by your bedside to hear what you have to say

“can you just…lay here with me for a bit…?”

and so he does and tells you about his research and projects until he realizes you’ve fallen asleep

© silkjade — do not steal, plagiarize, translate or repost any content onto any other platform

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Hi slug! I'm quite new to your blog, but I couldn't help but be curious about the answer to doing your bachelor's in 2 years while working full time. It just blows my mind! As someone who is hardworking but stresses over stuff constantly, it really amazes me that you managed to do that. You said u are the exception to the rule of taking time off and all that, but I'm curious to know what your mindset is. Like, for me, I stress more about the idea of what I have to do and the result of what I'm doing, and I have a lot of anxious subconscious thoughts about not having enough time, or that I'm not doing as much as I could be doing (I've been dealing with some serious burnout for a while now too). I was wondering if you could explain how you approach your workload? Idk maybe this is too personal and abstract, but I'd love to know about your mindset.

🌸Anon

Hello, flower anon! I'll put this under another cut for length since I kind of rambled.

Sure, I don't mind talking about it. For starters, it's not that I don't take time off, but that I don't usually schedule full days off. I deal with anhedonia - the inability to feel pleasure from "fun" activities - pretty frequently, and because of that, it's often hard for me to find downtime activities enjoyable. However, I still get a little kick of satisfaction every time I finish a job, so I usually try to frame downtime activities in terms of tasks. For example, I might assign myself the task of reading a chapter in a favorite book or completing a quest in a video game. That way, even if anhedonia is kicking my ass, I'll still feel good about it when it's done. I try to picture my day as a constant string of activities, so when my energy is low, I'll give myself an easy, low-priority task. This could be something legitimately productive - folding laundry while listening to music, sorting files, alphabetizing books to be put away, reading background knowledge material for a translation job, etc - or a "fun" task like talking to a friend, reading a book, or playing a game.

In terms of work itself, I try to approach it as a structure that I can use to prop my life up with. I try to be careful to avoid workaholic thought patterns, since I've struggled with that before and ended up extremely distressed. Instead, I treat it as a low-stress, flexible grid with lots of little pieces whenever possible. I know hard deadlines stress me out, so I make guidelines for myself that can be shifted around if need be. (Granted, there are hard deadlines for certain things, such as job assignments, but I always set the guidelines to have them completed well before the employer appointed due date, giving me that wiggle room if I need it.) I also know that I don't usually do well when I try to do the same thing for hours on end or when approaching huge tasks, so instead I break things down into lots of small chunks and do a little each day. For instance, every day this week, I'll make sure that I do one or two things from each of the following task items:

Translation assignment 1

Translation assignment 2

Translation assignment 3

Japanese self-studying

Errand (could be grocery, getting meds, tutoring a student, whatever)

Personal chore (tidying my room, laundry, cooking for myself, washing my own dishes, etc)

Household chore (cleaning the floors, cleaning a bathroom, etc)

Exercise

Daily hygiene requirements

Hypmic (answering asks, TLing miscellaneous crap, cleaning up blog, etc.)

Fun/social (chatting with friend, reading, going out to get a cold drink or a snack, etc)

The order these things happen in and the time they take can totally vary from day to day depending on what particular needs I have and how much energy I have. Today it went like this:

Translation assignment 3 (5:30 am - 7:00)

Breakfast (7:00 - 7:15)

Translation assignment 1 (7:30 [I was talking with someone for a couple of minutes before I got back to work] - 11:00) This one went on for longer since I was editing a big chunk of text, but it doesn't always take this long. Again, it varies!

Run (11:00 am - 11:45 am)

Hygiene stuff + misc exercise (11:45 am - 12:15 pm)

Went out to get lunch and a caffeinated tea since I wanted to make sure I had enough energy for an appointment in the afternoon. Also read during lunch (12:15 pm - 1:00 pm)

Japanese self-study (1:00 pm - 2:00 pm)

Cancelled the appointment [long story] and instead worked on translation assignment 2 (2:00 pm - 4:00 pm). At the moment, I'm just doing reading for it, so I saved it for later in the day when I tend to be more tired. Also did laundry here since that's another easy task.

Went to the store to buy more cleaning supplies and other household crap (4:15 pm - 6:00 pm)

Made dinner and cleaned the kitchen (6:00 pm - 7:00 pm)

Translation assignment 2 (7:00 pm - 8:30 pm)

Answering asks and talking with friends (8:30 pm - 10:00 pm)

If you're counting the hours I spent working on job assignments themselves, this would be 8.5 hours which I think is somewhat longer than what's typical. But again, it's not sitting down for 8.5 hours straight because I struggle with that and don't like doing it. Instead, I break tasks up and move things around so I can accomplish enough that I feel fulfilled while still enjoying my time here. Also, even if that looks like just a little bit of each thing, at the end of the week I'll have:

Translated and edited between 40,000 - 50,000 Japanese characters

Completed 10+ chapters of textbook work for Japanese self-study

Kept on top of my household errands and chores

Ran between 1.5 - 2 hours

Managed my daily body upkeep

Probably called friends a couple of times, read all or most of a book, and played a few hours of a game

I do these kinds of things and approach things in this task-based mindset because it's what I've found works best for me. Since I know I struggle with a lot of basic things like executive function, feeling pleasure from downtime activities, speaking out loud, etc - I build systems for myself to let me live a happy, healthy lifestyle on my own terms. I don't think this sort of lifestyle is necessarily applicable to everyone, but it doesn't have to be. It's something I created within the definitions of my disability and my capabilities.

So with all that being said, I can't prescribe something that will magically apply to your life, but I highly encourage you to experiment to find things that work best for you. Obviously, when I was working full-time while in school, the tasks I had were usually much more important, but I still followed the same general format of treating each day as a series of small, movable tasks. Whatever frameworks you choose to create can apply to the busiest or the most relaxed of lives.

In your situation in particular, flower anon, I understand how you feel with those anxieties. If you're stressing over what you have to do and find it overwhelming on a daily basis, you probably need to find a way to reduce your workload. Chunking - the process of breaking big assignments into smaller tasks - tends to help with anxieties when assignments seem too large and unapproachable.

It's challenging to fight back against the thoughts that you could be doing more than what you're already doing. But at the core of it, isn't this a silly argument? Every minute of your life, you're doing something. You're working, or you're learning, or you're sleeping, or you're eating, or you're playing with your friends. How are you supposed to do more than that? What, are you supposed to pull a 25th hour of the day out of your ass? Value your time, especially the time you spend resting and taking care of yourself. It's good to enjoy resting, and it's good to enjoy working as well. These are all parts productive elements of life. When you sleep, you are producing a rested mind to give yourself a better day tomorrow. When you talk with your friends, you are producing happiness and fulfilling social needs for yourself and other people. Physically reminding yourself - I mean saying out loud, "I am being productive as I do x" or "Y is a valuable use of my time" - for every thing you do can help you mentally reinforce this concept. And what happens if you discover non-valuable uses of your time? Engaging in petty arguments that don't bring yourself or anyone else any value, spending time scrolling on your phone without enjoying it, taking a class or activity just because you feel like you should but not enjoying it or earning anything from it - then drop it from your life, because your time is much too precious for you to spend it unhappily and unproductively. Produce for yourself a better life whenever you can, as long as the definition of "better life" is one that you decide for yourself.

This is a very rambling, abstract answer, but I hope it is some help to you. Best of luck.

[mimiatmidnight]

I'm a grown up single women in my 30s. I've worked my ass off in the corporate environment, completed my masters, payed back my student loans with interest and saved up a bit - not enough for a complete retirement but enough that I can afford to take a couple of years off. At this stage in my life I would like nothing more than to give up my exausting corporate job, take couple of years off, settle down in the country with a good guy and raise a herd of kids :D -- Exactly what Kate supporters say Kate has always wanted, and that it isn't her fault she fell in love with the future King etc etc etc.

So I can understand what Cambridge supporters are trying to say, and I also understand Kate's mentality behind not being a social activist or not having any particular interest in the progression of society per say and to just stay at home.

But here's what bugs me. She only has a bachelor's degree. What's bothersome is not that she waited for W to propose but that she literally didn't do anything in those 5 years. If she could not work due to media intrusion, which is a highly laughable excuse since Will himself had a job, then she could've gone for a Masters degree. But no she didn't. Coz that would've meant attending classes and following and sticking to the University's schedule - which she didn't want to - as she wanted to be available for William whenever he was free from work and available. No University is gonna give her unlimited time off. She didn't stick to any job, she could've worked at an art museum, but didn't due to the same reason. She wanted to be a housewife which 100% fine, heck I want to be a housewife now too. But what kind of housewife is she if she literally has an army of servants at her disposal? I know there's only one nanny, but I bet there are people taking care of cooking, laundry, private tutors, cleaning, gardening, running errands, reminding you of appointments, chauffeurs, personal stylists, makeup artist, hairdresser, work secretary, household secretary, head of household staff and what not. If and when she cooks or gardens it does not mean that they don't have personal chefs and gardeners. It just means for a change she wanted to cook or grow a flower.

And you know what if this is the type of existence that she has aspired for her entire life and has achieved it now, good on her. I'm glad someone has their dreams fulfilled.

BUT, then don't send out these PR articles about how "normal", "middle-class", "down to earth", "hands-on" "just like us lowly pleebs" you are. It's the false narrative, this false PR image, this blatant lies, that irritates the hell out of me. It's the lies that I cannot tolerate. I can tolerate a Kardashian like existence - atleast they are honest and I hugely respect that, you gotta earn money, food and luxury doesn't grow on trees. BUT don't lie. And please for the love of God don't think that I, a grown up woman who has lived her life in the real cruel harsh world out there, cannot see your blatant lies. OWN up your life! Who are you afraid of? You'll still be King and Queen. OWN up your mistakes, OWN your decisions. Do not put out blatant lies. And do not think I'm falling for it.

First of all, wow huge congratulations on all your hard work and achievements! I hope you get to continue achieving all that you want in life, especially time to relax and enjoy all that you earned :)

And second, yes I agree. Like I just said in a recent post, my problem is not that she’s “under-achieving.” In fact I really hate that word and I don’t think anybody deserves to be judged for what kind of career or education (or lack thereof) they pursue, especially women. But like you said, don’t then turn around and try to gaslight an entire nation that you are doing and impacting things that you are not actually doing. It’s insulting, and it’s embarrassing. Stick to focusing on what you are actually willing to produce, and make that work for you. Otherwise, don’t be surprised when people call you out.

[lestcat-de-lioncourt]

I’m giddy because this week has been a Do Lots Of Stuff week till I’m exhausted since coming off of the anti-deps.

I’ve run walking errands (omg) such as dropping of postal packages myself, lots. I’ve done property hunting off of my own back, probably going through over a hundred houses, in places I actually have wanted to live for years, so I’m buzzing at the hope that it happens this time. I regularly make homemade pasties now! And I do a little something different with decorating them too! I didn’t the day before last because I was exhausted and it was just I’m Cooking And Eating This rather than anything fancy, but it’s still cool I made it from scratch even though I was tired (we had gone on a nice country walk that day as well, and Luka had fun playing in a HUGEEEE field, and getting lost in the grass which was just under a foot high). I joined in with going to the super market (hugely overwhelming to me, if I have a flare up especially, big crowds etc. And getting overwhelmed when picking what to eat). I’ve actually written, and drawn a few things! I walked around the Abbey even though damn, I needed a nap after that. Was very exhausted after that one. But I’m just glad I’m pushing myself really hard to do walking. I hope it doesn’t unravel my pain, but it’s easier when I’m properly medicated on each hour I must take them.

I can’t think of anything else and it might be a manic phase but fuck it, I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed my manic time as jeez it’s bloody better than the moody upset depressed crap I have to feel because my brain does that.

I was fully prepared for my mood switches, and it’s not been all fairy lights and bees, but it’s nice to have my Ups again rather than flatlining and constantly overly anxious for 4 years.

But, I have the motivation despite my pain, to do so much more again. And I’m asking, maybe that’s worth the bad times?

I want to continue with counselling, but whenever they decide to get that in motion again after my physiatrist dropped me after 4 months of barely communicating with me right after ripping open a hole that I’ve taped over from childhood. Covid is sucky for so so many things, I’m waiting on regular counselling/therapy (I honestly get so confused between all of those words and I’m tired) still and a specialist appointment for investigating and hopefully diagnosing what my chronic pain is, which I’ve also unfortunately had to wait for for over over 7 months now.

There’s not much I can do about this, and so I’m trying to keep busy which has been really rewarding, and I feel better each time I manage to do something, even if to other people it’s somethings easy and something they just do every day.

[rusalkii]

It's still the boring details of my life under the cut but this time they're cheerful boring details.

Ghost! I am very pleased with my life. 10/10 would import again, etc etc. This summer seems to have finally persuaded me that time with Ghost is not a fundamentally scarce resource that I mus hoard at every possible opportunity, so I am now capable of doing things like "doing work while they're in the same state as me" or, more importantly but less relevantly, "recognizing that no matter how much I like them if I spend another minute in the company of another human being I am going to shut down". Valuable life skills, those.

This week prior to the break I caught up with many misc homework assignments and generally found myself ahead of official work. As a result I did not have that much to do over the break but did some not very urgent homework anyway. I studied a little for stat (practice exam) but not for any other classes, which is not ideal but given the givens not something I'm going to worry about. Over the break also ran some errands, cleaned the house, helped my mom with cooking, etc. Could have done more given that dad's in Russia, but did enough not to feel like I was leaving mom with everything. I should likely be better to my parents in this respect but that's a character flaw to examine in more detail at a later date. Got my hair trimmed (it turns out that this predictably results in the horrible experience of my hair being shorter), looked at monitors (my family's approach to birthday presents is very low stress, it's great), bought yarn I've been meaning to get for my Minimum Effort Shawl Pattern, did a budgeting thing. Generally satisfied with productive output given break, although I had a somewhat nonideal pattern of avoiding my latest CS assignment because I don't understand functions in assembly enough that even figuring them out seems like a black hole. Need to make it a goal to diagram it out tomorrow, then actually have some code written, test, iterate- I know how to move towards understanding this and it's not staring at lecture slides in the hope the knowledge will imprint itself in my brain.

Conclusion of budget spreadsheeting is that even if I assume I get zero additional dollars other than what I have, ski job which I do mostly because it lets me ski for free and not the money, and next summer's internship, I can be slightly less paranoid with my money. Turns out even baby programmers get paid real human money, it's very nice. Should not internalize this too hard, but if I keep an eye on it I can in fact afford to do things like flying to visit people on breaks sometimes or getting myself a not-terrible SCA wardrobe or buying skirts new because no thrift store ones meet my extremely specific desirata.

I have one week of class, one week of exams, and then break. This does not translate too "ah, yes, end of the semester, no new assignments and I'm all caught up, I can just do nothing". Studying: it exists. This week I'm going to aim for at least 3 practice exams in both the classes for which that is a coherent concept, and going over the 2nd exam and reviewing constructive induction for Discrete. For stat I can bring my grade up to a B, possibly even a regular not-B-minus as long as I have my shit together. If I want to keep the option of going to a decent grad school open I cannot have a C in stat. Also, should show up to lab at least a little bit extra for the research class and actually practice my presentation. I will get an A but transcript show graduations, an A+ would be nice and there's any chance I could get an A- and that would be embarrassing. Both these things should not take that much extra time and could make the difference here. Actually, no, I have a more specific thing: get up tomorrow at a real human hour, get to lab before class, make sure you have your part of the presentation down then. Then in the afternoon you can rehearse it with M. Sleep: meh? Some of this was "sharing a too-small bed will predictably make me need more hours of sleep".  Didn't have my weighted blanket. Did exercise but not as much. Did not have sun lamp, did not use melatonin. Unsure how much these factors change. Starting to seriously consider asking a doctor about this but unfortunately I don't really have a doctor at the moment and don't want to go through the university health care system through this. Could go to the doctor my parent do, I guess? Should poke at this in case there's long appointment times involved in the option I end up wanting. 

Late cause Thanksgiving and also Ghost, I regret nothing.

[keepingupwithabi]

Mondays: They Kinda Suck

So, here we are: another Monday evening. As I sit here and reflect, staring at my blank calendar, I wonder what I have really accomplished today. 

Every Monday typically goes like this:

I wake up at a time that I feel is reasonable YET somewhat responsible looking for a 20-year-old who has the day off from work.

I shower and get ready for the day, which includes making and consuming copious amounts of coffee. 

I force myself to leave the comfort and security of my apartment to drive to campus.

I meet with my advisor/boss of my work study to talk about what needs to get done. 

I work for a couple hours, mostly until I feel hungry. 

When I feel hungry, I leave campus and head back to my apartment and eat.

(insert anything else that needs to get done on a Monday)

So, there you have a rough outline of what every Monday tends to look like for me. Sometimes there is an occasional meeting or appointment thrown into the last slot there, but usually “anything else” means homework or errands- sometimes it’s a combination of the two.

Today, however, I had more of a later start. My alarm went off at 9:30am and for some unknown reason, I was actually able to pull myself out of bed. Living with three roommates, it can sometimes be a fight or seem like a race for our ONE bathroom in the morning. I have learned that there usually isn’t anyone up from 8:30-9:45am, so this is the prime window of time for me to shower. On Mondays, I don’t really feel the need to look super nice (by super nice, I mean jeans and a nicer top, hair that is dried and straightened, etc.) and today was absolutely no different. I threw on a pair of my comfy jeans and an over-sized sweatshirt paired with my black converse. Slinging my still wet (but clean) hair into a loose bun, I slipped my knee-length LLBean jacket on and headed out. 

Arriving at school nearing 10:30am, I made my way to the UTimes room (as we PCJ majors call it) with my coffee in hand and got to work. But of course as things usually go wrong for me, I couldn’t for the life of me seem to bring the computer to life (ie. turn it on). I was stressing out and enlisted the help of my boss and she was the one who asked if I had tried the power button. After realizing that I was indeed having a blond moment, the computer was brought to life and I began laying out the paper as if it were going to print. As the editor of UMPI’s newspaper, it’s part of my work study job to layout the newspaper both online and physically. 

I was pleasantly surprised that I finished the physical layout- I already published the online version last week (CHECK IT OUT: http://wp.umpi.edu/utimes/ ). Seeing that it was now past lunchtime and I was quite hungry, I packed up my stuff and headed to my car. I ended up deciding sometime between that moment and pulling off campus that I needed to grocery shop, which ultimately turned into me spending more money than I really should have because I was shopping hungry. Never shop hungry, it’s the golden rule when you’re broke and can’t afford to spend money on pita chips and hummus (because guess what, I got pita chips and not off-brand hummus, which I should not have).

By the time I got home, I was literally starving. My stomach sounded like a whale trying to contact its brothers in the Pacific. I decided to make myself breakfast for lunch and ended up eating turkey sausages, eggs and salsa, and a bagel. By the time all this was said and done (or, cooked and eaten), I had binge watched five episodes of That 70′s Show and was now facing a dilemma: do I start homework or take a nap? Let’s just say I faced this dilemma at 2:45pm and that it’s now 7:21pm (ie. I took a nap).

As you can probably see, I kind of struggle with Monday’s because there is no structure. It’s literally up to me to make myself to to campus on a day where I wouldn’t even go there if it wasn’t for my editing duties. While I know there are always things I need to get done, I tend to go at my own pace on Mondays and do not always end up getting everything done that I would accomplish. I have heard some sayings before about how there isn’t enough time in the day and what not. Let me just say- I think I am starting to really understand how this saying became a thing because I am fully behind it. Like, I am the one who invented those sayings I think because my self-discipline is something I need to work on. I do a lot better when my days are busy and there are set times for things, like days I have class or work at the restaurant. 

Speaking of days I have class, here is an outline of what my Tuesday will (hopefully) look like:

9:30am: Wake up, shower, get ready, drink coffee.

11:00am-12:15pm: History class, at UMPI.

12:30-1:00pm:Run UTimes meeting, make sure everyone has their November/December story ideas in.

2:00-3:15pm: PCJ class, at UMPI.

3:30-4:45pm: Hangout at apartment, eat lunch.

5:00-6:15pm: Spanish class, at UMPI.

6:30-9:00pm: Hangout, homework, dinner, unwind time. 

10:00pm: In bed, Netflix time. 

So, that’s all for today folks. I’ll update you Wednesday with how Tuesday goes! My hope with this experimental blogging is that I hold myself accountable because I am reflecting every other day on how I am spending my time. 

Wish me luck,

Abi

[growup-gloup]

#okay pessism forthcoming i'm very sorry everyone#but this shit pisses me off#like NO it's not 1/24 of MY day it's 1/24 of A day#because statistically speaking#8/24 of the day is taken up by work most days#another 1/24 taken up by commute on average#another AT LEAST 1/24 taken for the most basic of life functions like cooking andor eating#more for showering if you shower every day but even if you don't#you can account for that#and then another 8/24 for sleeping#so#in reality#one hour of the day#is in reality 1/6 of MY day if I'm LUCKY#if you add general life shit like chores#pet care#CHILD CARE if you have children which definitively takes up literally every hour you could possibly have#if you have to go grocery shopping or do general errands#etc#1/6 of the day is the BEST you can probably hope for as an average american adult#so yeah#self-maintenance self-care is important#but I'm fucking sick of the 'it's easy and takes up no time at all you have no excuse not to do it' mentality#I mean same as all other toxic positivity bullshit on the internet#it's not quite as malicious as real toxic positivity but it's certainly willfully ignorant in frustrating ways#alright that's the end of my rant#thank you good night via @wispiril

Hoo boy, I wasn't going to respond but then I realized that so many of my posts and even reblogs get tagged or commented with calling me out for toxic positivity.

Here's the thing. You're completely right. We don't all have the same 24 hours in a day. But we still have 24 hours.

I was already finding ways to slot time for self-maintenance in the super hectic 24-hour hypothetical you gave me. I have lived like that, I promise, and you know how I managed to give myself an hour when I couldn't drop everything for an hour?

I listened to podcasts or informative audio on YouTube or elsewhere while I cooked or cleaned.

If I wasn't capable of absorbing information at that time (ADHD), I turned on music instead and swayed while I worked. Even a little jig and swaying is better than no workout, plus it made the activities fun. I've started enjoying the chores I used to hate. I also used the music to visualize different things, which helped me practice my creative expression without ever lifting anything.

On that ADHD note, when I'm feeling hyperactive and fidgety and can't focus on anything because I'm unmedicated, I pace around my room aggressively. I don't know the science behind it but it helps. It sorts out my thoughts, gets some steps in, and I am ready to do something productive afterward.

When I took public transportation and carpooled to work or university, I read books on the commute. When I have to drive, I would listen to an audiobook.

I would keep e-books on my phone to read if I was in the waiting room for some appointment or on standby for any reason and didn't have anything else to do. I also read for ten minutes or so before bed at night.

While I was cleaning up after dinner and getting ready for bed, I had a face mask on.

I got my steps in and did minor weight lifting by going grocery shopping. I would flex my biceps as I lifted the heavy bags and made sure to squat properly if I was picking something off the ground.

I am a writer and, yes, making time to write is easier said than done, but I would do all my planning and development while I was moving about my day. If I came up with something huge, I would jot it down in my notes app. By the time I did find time to write, I had entire concepts figured out and just needed to get them on paper. Oh, and for that, I started setting 15-minute sprints in the morning or before bed. Just 15 minutes. That is all.

Since I had to cook anyway, I would try out new recipes that not only tested my skills in the kitchen, but exposed my taste buds to various cuisines, flavors, and textures, not to mention the nutritional diversity.

I like to wear makeup when I go out, so I started paying attention to tutorials I stumbled across online and tried to incorporate an occasional eye or lip hack into my routine.

I have arthritis, so I started waking up a bit earlier to do about 10 minutes of yoga on the mat by my bed.

I put timers and restrictions on my phone to minimize the amount of time I spent on social media. You'd be surprised at how much time you waste scrolling through your phone.

I lived in a place that had a lot of blackouts, so I started using that time to practice skills that didn't require any electricity, like my art and tarot.

I downloaded Duolingo and did 10 minutes of practice in my targeted language whenever I was able to slot that in, even if it was 10 minutes before midnight. As of writing this post, I have a 212-day streak. I watched movies and series in my target language while I washed the dishes.

I don't have kids or pets, but if I did, I would do all of the above while I handled that responsibility. I would plan activities and events that would not only benefit me but also them. Imagine a messy painting session that helps you try out a new hobby while testing your toddler's motor skills. You could use this experience to teach them about the importance of cleaning up, which can be another bonding activity combined with a learning experience. I would also exercise myself and them by playing with them, which yes, is good for fitness, but it is also good for socializing for all parties involved.

These are things I have personally done or currently do. Based on my above-mentioned routine, I was working out, practicing a foreign language, eating well, learning new skills, taking care of myself, and so much more, without ever setting a timer for one hour. And when you added all of this time together, the time I took for self-maintenance was much longer than an hour.

Okay, you can't set aside one hour in a day. No one is asking you to. But if you were to make minor adjustments to your preexisting routine, and expanded on them over time, you'd find that you're dedicating more than an hour to your self-maintenance journey.

Online positivity is meant to be a motivator and possibly a loose template to help you get started, not a one-size-fits-all strategy that everyone is supposed to copy and paste. And it's most certainly not color-coordinated outfits and household accessories. Obviously, your lifestyle and struggles will look different than mine. But if you have the means to access and respond to my posts on Tumblr dot com, that means that you have the means to create some form of change, no matter how small or infinitesimal it may seem.

Most critiques of online positivity seem to list 100 different reasons for why they can't do better today than they did yesterday and why their life sucks so much. All I'm challenging you to do moving forward is find one way to do something better today.

💋

[theteflacademic]

Let me tell you why Sundays are game-changers

Like weekly game-changers.  You get a new one every week.  WHAT?

Ok so I know that Sundays, esp. Sunday nights, have a reputation of being a bummer because the realization that it’s back to work/school tomorrow starts setting in.  I used to feel this way too and then I changed my perspective on Sundays, and made an easy routine that sets me up and gets me excited for the week ahead.   

Sundays are still Fundays, though.  I wake up when I want (aka when my cat wants) and then do breakfast or brunch with my partner.  Then we usually go do something (errands, museum exhibits, work in a cafe) and have lunch later.  By the time 4 or 5 pm rolls around, I’m already settling into my flat and getting ready for the week.  Why so early?

Because I see Sundays as a chance to get ahead.  Sunday night is a legit headstart if you make it that way, and so many people don’t.  Here’s what I do: 

I have a shower.  Sometimes I do morning showers but Monday are not those times for me, so I shower early at night on Sundays and let my hair air dry.  Since I don’t go to bed with my hair wet, I know I’m not going to have George Washington hair when I wake up in the morning.  

After the shower, I check my nail situation and if I want to paint nails or anything, I do it then.  The same goes for just taking nail polish off that’s been on for too long and looks bad.  Nothing gets under my skin quite as quickly as looking down at work and seeing my badly chipped nail polish.  Makes ya girl feel like she’s 12 again.  

Then, I do the following: 

Check the forecast for the week and decide (more or less) what I’m going to wear Monday to Friday. I also check my google calendar so I can take any important meetings into consideration for outfit planning.  I group the outfits as much as possible onto hangers so I know I’m just pulling one thing out of the closet in the morning.  

Check out my fridge situation.  I take my lunch to work every day and I also need meals for dinner that don’t take long to heat up because after work and/or class, I have to get back to studying.  I usually have a few meals that can be made out of leftovers, and then I’ll prep 2-3 containers with salad.  I’ll still have to prep some food at different points during the week but I’m not into hardcore meal prep, so this is a good balance for me.  I also put a half dozen eggs on to boil because I take those with me to the office, along with a piece of fruit, for a quick breakfast at my desk.  

Go through notes I’ve taken during my study sessions over the weekend and make a list of questions I need to ask, terms I need to search for, and any additional works I need to read based on citations I found in my previous reading.  This makes it really easy to define a starting place on Monday without feeling overwhelmed. 

Pack my bag for the next morning (I actually do this every night). I make sure I have literally everything in there-- necessary chargers, keys, bobby pins, tissues, metro card, notebooks, pencil case, etc.  It’s too easy to forget things in the morning, and some days I leave at 7am and come home at 10pm, so if I leave something important behind, that’s it :(

Have a glass of wine and think about the week ahead.  For real.  I imagine the things that will be challenging.  I imagine the things that will be fun.  I think about which days will be the most and least demanding.  I think about what I want to achieve during the upcoming week. It might not be for everyone, but I am a “expect the best, prepare for the worst” type of person, and this helps me feel calm about the week I’m headed into, even if I know it’s going to be a tough one. 

Do a once-over of my tiny flat.  I make sure there’s no dishes in the sink.  I put away any clean laundry that I have folded or hung up to dry.  I arrange my products in the bathroom to look decently organized.  I water my little plants. I scoop the cat box and then I take the trash out.  The whole process literally takes me less than 20 minutes, despite each of those being tasks that I hate doing.  BUT it makes Monday that much smoother and that tiny bit of cleaning usually tides me over until Wednesday before I have to do any of those things again.  

Finally, I take my contacts out, slap my glasses straight onto my face, and get in bed to read for pleasure.  It’s SO easy to neglect your own reading interests when you’re doing research.  This might be the only time of the week that I actually crack a book open for fun, but even so, it feels like a treat to get the week started with, and it helps put me in the zone to fall asleep quickly. 

So that’s it.  I feel like Sundays are the ONE day of the week where I’m actually on top of all of my shit.  The other days I’m just crashing into one thing and then the next as I make it through appointments, assignments, etc., but each day is slightly easier now that I’ve taken the time to develop a Sunday routine.  Some days I still have to cook.  One week night per week I still do laundry while I study.  And Thursday nights I tidy up so that when I come home on Friday it’s straight weekend mode.  BUT all of that is possible and relatively low-stress because of how I’ve organized my post-5pm Sundays.  

I hope this routine helps you find your own perfect Sunday night routine so you can stop dreading Monday morning and start prepping for the asskicking you’re about to hand it <3 

[sapphstudies]

100 Days of Productivity (19-24/100)

Fell off the wagon a bit this week because I’ve just been SO tired but recapping nonetheless

Day 19: Saturday. My friend was still visiting so we spent the day walking around the city to different museums and stuff she wanted to see. We were pretty tired from the day so we stayed in for the night and i showed her the first couple of episodes of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Unfortunately I didn’t get much sleep that night and then woke up at 7:30 the next day.

Day 20: Sunday. Woke up super early at 7:30 and my friend had to get ready to go so I did few errands while she got ready (went to the pharmacy, dropped off laundry etc.) Since we were both ready early we did a couple last minute stops for bagels and souvenirs on our way to the bus stop. I got back home around 2:30 and did a bunch of cleaning aired out the apartment etc. and then I had to rush to eat dinner and get to D&D at 5! D&D was super fun as usual we met our newest party member who also seems nice and we’re a full team now! The game is really starting to take off and I think everyone is having a good time. I had to take an accounting test when I got home which I ended up doing really poorly on which was a bummer. I was certain I understood everything since I had done really well on the homework and quizzes but there was a lot of material on the test we hadn’t covered before and I got confused by the wording of some of the questions. Luckily I was not the only one to do poorly so our professor is giving us a chance to earn bonus points! Now that I see the mistakes I made I’m going to do a notes review of the chapters which will hopefully help me do better on the next test and final.

Day 21: Monday. I turned in my final draft of an english essay and we got the assignment for the next essay. During my break I signed up for next semesters classes. I was able to get a couple of online ones which is great! And that night I set up a work schedule for the week. Unfortunately random things plus exhaustion keep getting in the way and I haven’t been able to stick to it that well and I’m little freaked about how much time I’m losing.

Day 22: Tuesday. Tbh I don’t remember exactly what I did on Tuesday and I didn’t use my planner much that day but I woke up a little late and went to therapy and then did homework for accounting homework for 3ish hours  before getting ready for a alumni cocktail party that night. I ran into a couple of kids I knew and we had a good conversation. I got some info on a school I might try to transfer too. I got home around 10/10:30 and was feeling pretty drained overwhelmed I think I just vegged out w/ The Good Place for a while. Not ideal. And then went to bed kind of late. Also not ideal.

Day 23: Wednesday. I spoke to my english professor during my break about transferring and got a lot of good advice and encouragement which was great! I got a small amount of accounting studying done during the remainder of the break but not a ton and I didn’t have access to my test results yet so I couldn’t really write up a notes review without knowing what I needed to clarify. After school I picked up a book at the library and went grocery shopping and cooked and had dinner with my sister. After she left I did some research on schools and made a checklist of admissions requirements and deadlines and then had a little self care night (took a bath, did a hair mask, shaved, etc) and read some MHA but I wasn’t paying attention to the time and all of that meant that I suddenly realized it was nearly 4am and I still hadn’t slept. whoops.

Day 24: Thursday/Today. I didn’t wake up until 11ish today cause of being up so late the night before and then went to therapy. I started writing this post and then had my massage appointment, which may seem a frivolous use of time but it’s a key part of my pain management, I came home had dinner and now I’m finishing this. This week has really gotten away from me in terms of studying because I’ve been so tired, and time consuming events and such keep coming up which leave me drained and unable to study. And tomorrow I’m going to a transfer student information for most of the afternoon and going afterwards to help my sister with some stuff at her apartment so I’m kind of freaking out at how little time I have but I’m going to do my best to get home at decent time so I can get a bit of work done in the evening and tonight I’m going to try to go to bed very early and get up very early so I can get a good bit of work done in the morning.

Most of the things that took up my time this week still had value even though they were not school related but I also haven’t gotten a lot of what I need to do done. I am re-resolving to get back on the productivity bandwagon and get as much work as I can done this weekend.

[themumblrexchange]

Daily Routine of a SAHM with a part time nanny:

415am- Wake up, make coffee and breakfast, wake husband, eat breakfast together, get his clothes ironed and lunch for the day ready while he walks the dogs.

5am- see hubby out the door, sit and enjoy my coffee for 20ish minutes

520am- get dressed & ready for the day. Get kids clothes out. Pour another cup of coffee. Empty dishwasher. 

545am-make kids breakfast

6am- kids wake up, nanny arrives. She gets breakfast cut up and on their plates, makes their cups of milk/smoothies while I do their morning routines... dressed, teeth brushed, all that. It usually takes both of us to get all 3 settled at the table to eat

630am- nanny plays outside[summertime] or upstairs in the playroom [winter] with the twins [2yrs] while I work with 4yr old on sign language and prek books and reading.

730am- nanny plays outside// in playroom with 4 yr old while I read to the twins. 

830am- nanny plays with or does art time with all 3 while I clean up breakfast, catch up on any necessary chores, and walk the dogs again.

930am-11am- depending on the day, this is either time I use to run errands, doctors appointments, paint, tend the garden, occasionally nap etc...At least once a month we all go together to the park, aquarium, library, whatever...

1115ish am- I prepare lunch for the kiddos, together we settle them down at the table. After lunch, nanny helps me get them all down for naps then leaves around noon. 

1145am-145ish pm- naptime, I use this time to prep dinner, poop scoop the backyard (lol), get prepped for 4yr olds gymnastics (mon-thurs)...on Fridays, the housekeeper comes during this time.

145/2pm- get kids up, have snacks with tv time...after snacks we load up in the car for gymnastics, which is an hour class

315/330pm- arrive home, go on a walk with dogs and kids

345ish/4pm- more reading time then I usually turn on sesame street for the kids while they play in the family room...put lunch dishes in the dishwasher and cook dinner.

445pm- kids eat dinner, then bath time

530pm- free play time with kids. Hubby arrives home at this time on his shorter days, usually he'll play with them for a bit then head to the study to read or play video games for an hour or so.

630pm- He does the bedtime routine and puts the kiddos in bed while I clean up their dinner mess & make our plates. We eat dinner together, then chill out. Sometimes he'll take the dogs for another walk or head to his buddy's pub to shoot pool for an hour or so, when he does I use the time to read or paint and drink a glass of wine. 

If he works a longer day, he gets home closer to 7pm so I put the kids to bed and we have dinner together later, usually while watching a movie. 

I can't stress enough how helpful our nanny has been! We barely had a routine when we hired her last year, it's near impossible to keep up with 2 kids going thru terrible 2s AND a sassy 4 yr old without her help! Plus she helps me to have time with just my 4yr old, which was a huge struggle when I was going thru ppd and still breastfeeding the twins, it is a struggle in general with 3 kids. All in all, if you have more than 1 child and find yourself too tired to have quality time with your spouse after a long day like i did, then a nanny is totally worth the money!

[mollydollyjournals]

Monday 14th December, 157lbs. Of course. I binged yesterday.

I was still super tired today. I didn't sleep til pretty late last night. More like morning. I just felt sick and really anxious all day. I have that feeling like I'm just alone and uncared for. I've been craving food a lot again, because I just want a nice feeling. I just want to have something that I want. I'm sick of being deprived. When I want a hug and I can't have it, or I want a drink and I can't have it, etc, it makes me feel worse, and food cravings get stronger because I just want to be able to have something for once.

I haven't today. I ate earlier but I didn't for the rest of the day. If there was something smaller I might have but my only options are high calorie and high effort and I just can't be bothered. I don't really want the food. I know that. I know I'd just feel uncomfortably full and sick afterwards and still be alone and unhappy. So I haven't. But I still have the craving.

I feel really just...abandoned. I need so much reassurance and I can't get it. I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to bf since last week when I cancelled last minute then didn't show up the second time. I'm pretty sure he's annoyed. I want to try to see him tomorrow but I think I'll be too tired. I want to do some things first at home. So the day after tomorrow. But I don't want to cancel again. So I figured I'd wait to ask him on the day. I'm not really sure which is better. Let him know in advance that I am gonna try to see him, but risk having to cancel again, or wait until the day but risk it looking like I'm ghosting him. Idk.

I wish I could lose some weight first too. But I don't have the energy to do anything let alone work out. And that's all that works. My body won't let me lose weight otherwise. Maybe I should just fast for a day here and there. Intermittent fasting doesn't work either, I already do that pretty much every day. 24hr fasts might not make any difference either. Maybe 36hrs might. Maybe I'll do that after I go see bf. Potentially:

Tomorrow - home errands, maybe go to supermarket?

Weds - see bf? Stay the night?

Thurs - come home, do whatever

Fri - tea/water fast

Sat - eat healthy (not particularly restrict but def don't eat lots)

Sun & Mon - restrict/workout as much as able

I think I'll try to stick to that... If I do fast on Friday, I'll feel pretty weak on Saturday. Maybe I should meal prep some things on Thursday. I should on Friday but I taste things as I cook them to make sure it's okay, which I don't want to do if I'm fasting. Even if a bite won't affect it too much, I think I'd be too tempted to eat more. So I'll have to do it on Thursday and maybe just make a bit less, or freeze more, idk. Then ideally I want to see bf again on Tuesday but I might be too tired...but I'd really like to. If he even wants to.

Well this is a start for a schedule anyway. I just really need to sleep better...maybe I'll go make some chamomile/lavender tea just now. I need to be able to actually wake up at a vaguely decent time and also have had enough sleep, otherwise I'm either sleeping through the day or I wake up early but I'm exhausted and I'm falling asleep again and it puts my anxiety through the roof. Then I just feel bad about not being able to just sleep like a normal person.

Idk. I'm gonna write down that schedule and add in my other things like appointments. I have a scan of some sort. And I have to get at my doctors for another scan. My body is in such a bad state. So I'll write all that in and then I know what I'm doing for this next week. I hope to lose some weight. The dream is to be 151lbs by next Tuesday. I probably fucked that right up by binging on junk food yesterday. I'm nervous to weigh myself tonight because I'm sure it'll be way too high. But if I don't weigh myself I'll still be that fat anyway and I'll still find out in the morning. Ugh.

[shingetsu-archivedfgjdfhgjg]

6, 7, 14

6) Favourite thing they’ve ever said/texted/messaged?

THEY RECENTLY SAID IM LIKE THE OCEAN TO THEM AND THE OCEAN IS LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO THEM EVER LIKE ITS THEIR HOME AND THEY SAID ALL THE THINGS THEY LOVE IN THE OCEAN THEY SEE IN ME AND HGDFKHJGHFKJGHKJ god i cried so much this was literally the sweetest thing ever said to me and i feel so fucking lucky to be this loved and appreciated and i love my partner.

7) What do you like doing with them?

Literally everything. Everything I experience with them is fun no matter what! I’m not just saying this literally anything and everything. Running errands with them, waiting for them to finish their appointments, going on fun adventurous dates, watching some weird ted-talk-esque thing on some random cable channel late at night, cooking too many packets of ramen, doing homework, etc. Not a moment I’m with them is boring or unpleasant even when were sad I still just feel so lucky to be with them in that moment and to be able to hold them.

14) What does hugging them feel like?

Safe. So so so safe. No matter whats going on around me when I’m in their arms I feel safe and happy. I feel like my arms fit perfectly around them and I was meant to have them next to me through everything. Hugging them makes me feel strong and ready for anything. Excited. Calm and loving. Every good feeling I could feel when I need them most. Hugging them feels like my world is right and my life is full of beauty.