#I started it back in late 2022 and then I got Really Fucking Burnt Out on it but im feeling better now :)

[rileys-battlecats]

I know people talk about how bad tumblr's search function is but like. I can literally type a tag I know for certain I have into the search bar of my blog and it's like 'sorry lol you're crazy that's not something you've ever written <3' and then I look through a separate tag, dig through posts chronologically, and there it is. with the tag I put on it. specifically so that I could find it again easily. why

[scary-monsters]

actually yeah. let me get on my burnout soapbox. because this is something i care deeply about and it hurts when i see people i care about/people in general tearing themselves apart over the things they make.

some of you were around during my haikyuu days, for those that were: you might remember the self-defeating cycle i shoved myself into. looking back, i can't imagine how uncomfortable it must have been to watch me publicly beating myself up and forcing myself to make things when i simply did not have the energy to do it. i did not handle fandom well back then, and that's why i swore to myself i'd never find myself in one again. but WELL. here i am. LOL.

for those that weren't around for it: essentially, from the years of late 2015-around 2018, i was forcing myself to pump out finished art every single day. why? to maintain relevancy, as if that ever even mattered. i wanted to be important and prominent in a fandom space, so that's what i spent every day fighting for despite how horribly it was tearing up my mental health. i became competitive and started comparing myself to everyone around me, even my friends, and this only chased people away. i acted very unfairly to everyone around me and based the quality of my friendships on whether or not they were meeting ridiculous guidelines, like always liking/reblogging/retweeting/commenting on my things without fail. in my mind, if they didn't do all of these things, then that meant they hated me, and that was a ridiculous mindset to impose on other people who had been nothing but friendly and supportive in their own ways. by the middle of 2019, i had essentially ruined most of my friendships (and was also going through a very bad breakup) and i had to leave the internet for a while.

but i did soul searching, recognized that i was burnt the fuck out and hadn't been enjoying art in years, so i stopped for a long time, waiting for the love of art to come back. i never even felt the urge to pick my ipad back up until i watched the stardust crusaders ova sometime around early 2022, fun fact. ova dio was what got me back into art!

this is long-winded and i feel like im rambling. i guess, if you value my opinion and advice, please please please remember to enjoy yourself, first and foremost, when you're making things. try not to get caught up in numbers and views and relevancy. that stuff fades, it doesn't matter in the long run, what really matters is how much you're enjoying yourself and how fulfilling art/writing/whatever is for you. try to reconnect with that passion. have fun with fandom!!! that's what you're supposed to do!! don't overthink everything and get stuck in unhealthy thought patterns. i hope this helps at least one person, because i wish i'd have listened to this advice when i was going through such terrible burnout years ago 🧡

[hotchs-big-hands]

Today turned out to be Pretty Bad™ stuck down very awful bad memory lane and I just wanna clarify to ppl why I may not always answer dms/asks etc. I've only really told one person on here the big details about this, and I won't go into all the details here either but it'll be enough to explain why. I hope anyway. Idk why I'm doing this.

I'll give a quick tl;dr here because it is long and also goes into very triggering topics such as self harm/suicide.

Basically I used to have a very close best friend, who I'll call shithead, back in early 2018 until late 2022 who extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive and just very overall toxic. If you've ever seen me refer to a "shithead" in tags or whatever then its about the person imma talk abt here. I was essentially the person they turned to to talk them out of doing things to themselves, if you get me. As well as a lot of other stuff. Ended up getting therapy (but not for the right reasons tbh) and also got a bad coping mechanism where I tend to not talk to people, I keep my distance and its smth I wanna tackle but it's difficult. So if you haven't heard back from me it's not cuz I don't like you, I am fighting with my brain. Also I kinda question if I actually am a good person or not because of stuff that I did in retaliation to this person.

I'll get into details now under the cut but yeah don't read if self harm/suicide/toxic dynamics are something you don't want to hear about for whatever reason.

As above, in early 2018 I used to have a different fanfic blog for a different fandom. I won't go into detail about which fandom and what the blog was but it was fairly popular. This is how I came to be friends with them. And like at the beginning it was fucking great! We became fast friends and we had a lot of shared interests. They introduced me to a lot of games, TV shows etc. But that's also where the problems started.

They were one of those types of fans. The "very possessive over certain characters" type of fan. If they liked them and had a crush on them then you couldn't do the same cuz character belonged to them. Which at the time I didn't rly like but I used to be friends with someone in high school who was also like that about characters so I assumed it was just a thing ppl did. However, it escalated to if I had a character I liked then they'd for some reason not like them and in fact hated them. This was kinda draining cuz they never wanted to talk abt stuff I liked, without actually directly saying so. They'd just shit talk them the whole time or say they hate them. So I stopped talking about what I liked. Later, they'd suddenly really like said media or characters and only then was it fine to talk about them. But in turn they'd be possessive and if I said oh okay I'll step back from them they would make me feel like I was being stupid because "no they didn't say I couldn't like them".

Anyway thats not rly the worst of it of course, the actual bad stuff is now so again, final warning for self harm/suicide. Will square off the triggering sections.

*********************

They struggled with their mental health a lot. Like a lot. I'd be there for them to listen, offer help and support because I like to take care of ppl and make sure they'll be okay. Except it escalated to them using me to talk them out of harming themself and killing themself. And this was almost everyday/night. And need I just say they were an hour ahead of me as well btw. I went to university in 2019 originally and by December I was completely burnt out because I spent every day and night making sure they didn't fucking do anything to themself. I got at most 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and I stopped doing my hobbies and uni work because I just had no drive to do them anymore. It was clear I was also suffering mentally. I was suicidal and thinking of harming myself as well (and unfortunately I did do so a couple times). But I prioritised them. Everything was triggering for them, and I mean that. I had a long list pinned to my wall of everything I was to avoid mentioning because it would trigger them.

They never took care about my own mental health btw, which I'm not saying they HAD to but I know it was because they just didn't care. And they said as much too. They said because they are autistic they have no empathy and therefore do not feel anything about my mental health. So I suffered basically alone.

*********************

I dropped out of uni in early 2020 and in fact went home the weekend lockdown began in the UK. Things were not good. I was still trying to be support for shithead, I went to therapy and started medication for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get better so I could take care of them. Which like. Never do that. Never go to therapy so you can be someone else's therapist. Go to therapy because YOU want to be better for YOURSELF.

We were in in a bigger friendship group spread across a few discord servers and they all broke down one way or another. One instance there was an argument between shithead and a bunch of others who were comparing who had it worse during ww2. The others were Americans but were also of Jewish heritage with family who were affected by the holocaust and shithead lives in a country near where the holocaust happened with relatives who went through a famine. Either way it was just not gonna be a good conversation. Shithead left, I stayed and like I already don't rly talk to people much in groups because its overwhelming but I did do a little bit. Someone who was friends with shithead and still in the server told shithead I was talking to the others and in turn I basically betrayed shithead. Hindsight I wish I had just left the server ages before and like maybe j shouldn't have talked to the others idk. I regret it either way and think abt it a lot.

Another few shitty things I did in response to how shithead would treat me is giving them the silent treatment, giving short answers etc. I wanted them to feel bad, but it would round back to me being told I'm a coward and horrible to them. Which maybe I was but frankly I was scared of them.

*********************

Things began to rly break down when they showed me their fresh self harm wounds, blood and all, because they were "bored". I didn't talk to them for a few days and their apology wasn't much of an apology, more just making excuses again (aka I have autism so it's not my fault). I started talking less and less because by this point my brain had had enough ig and began to close off from them and just ppl in general.

*********************

In 2022 I finally returned to university and thats also when I finally stopped talking to them. A few months ago I finally blocked them on everything. However, I still struggle with communication and don't rly do it much. It's difficult to maintain friendships and I don't trust easily. I plan on going back to therapy whenever i can because this is just unresolved. But yeah idk I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't responded to, or take a long time to respond to.

One thing that is good tho is that like, after shithead I didn't enjoy anything. I didn't rly watch or hyperfixate on anything. But last year around this time I came across an Aaron Hotchner x plus size reader fic and I've been obsessed with him since!! And now here we are, got a blog and everything for a fandom finally after so long :) so it's not all bad.

But yeah that's why I struggle keeping up with messages and asks. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you've read this far then thank you and you mean a lot. Big hugs to yawl and I hope yawl have a lovely day, and if not then please take it easy 💖💖💖💖

[fit-physicist]

Hello Tumblr and everyone who still follows me after basically not posting anything personal in years and also hardly any fitness content. I guess I'm technically also not a physicist anymore 🤔

Anyway, it is the end of the year, or as we say in Germany "between the years". A time to look back, a time to reflect, a time to unwind, a time to love and to be grateful.

So here I am, thinking about the year that was and the year to come. And I cannot shake this deeply sitting melancholy when I start to reflect. There's just these two very simple sentences running back and forth in my mind, but their weight is heavy. "I want to be happier. I need to unwind"

The past three years have been full of so many ups. We bought a house, we got engaged, we married. The bond with my own family is growing so strongly lately and we had many great meet-ups back in Germany. The house is in really good shape now, our garden is getting cozier and prettier every year. My Dutch is starting to be good enough to have conversations fairly fluently and for a longer time. My family-in-law is fantastic and I am surrounded by lovely people.

And the downs? Well, basically my work. As the most experienced employee in a developing department, one stressful event is chased by the next. Overlapping not excluded. Many context changes per day. Hardly any time to concentrate, yet incredibly complex topic and decisions to make. No time to rest either. July 2022 I almost burnt out. Beginning of 2023 I felt okay again. End of 2023, I recognize a lot of feelings and emotions I had in 2022. And I do not want to end up in that space again.

While I gained a lot of tools to regulate better, to cope better... This is not the kind of life I want to continue. My life is not a recovery time from work, and I do not always want to water my free time down so that I am not overwhelmed from all the (chronic) stress.

So for 2024 my goals are:

fuck the grind, embrace the unwind. And with that come a lot of changes. Less perfectionism, less arbitrary deadlines. More listening to my body, more acceptance, more knowing when to stop and pause

demand structural changes in my department to reduce the stress I have to deal with, or if that will not succeed, pull the emergency break and re-orientate myself in the company

spend more mindful time. Less phone, less (mindless) gaming. Reduce my workload in the garden and accept when things aren't perfect. More time for myself, learning new skills (e.g. learning to play guitar, Dutch), more hands-on hobbies (woodworking? rephrasing my relationship with the garden work?)

take more care of my body. Keep my short mobility routine to make my joints more buttery. Sit less on the couch. Do fitness and climbing regularly again and not just in bursts (usually when chronic pain gets worse)

I am looking forward to all these changes, but I am certain it will cost a lot of strength to get there.

Cheers to a happier 2024

(comic by @mrs.frollein on instagram)

[owlispls]

Me: why is April the hardest month for me for the past few years?

The past few years in April: 2018 and before: also some bullshit happened, a lot of me feeling stuck, not coming out of the closet until late 2017, not feeling like I am living /my/ life…

2019: working a job I hate, being yelled at by customers all day long, having to end a relationship that was absolutely sweet and lovely but our schedules and lives didn‘t fit (like at all ;w;)

2020: the fucking panini happening, lockdowns… while firsthand witnessing the death of my stepdad, who we worked hard to give him some nice last weeks

2021: being overworked and the first time mentioning that I can‘t live like this anymore, to soon having to give up the little job I truly loved having on the side, which made me feel appreciated in that time

2022: getting unlawfully fired after a huge burn out flare up in January due to my adhd and asd being ~ignored~ for 28 years.

2023 me: „oh. It‘s trauma-birthday month!“

This year feels like everything is changing for the better, tho? Met a friend I admire a lot. Saw Hayley Kiyoko live, got to hug her and we threw compliments at each other. I got to be an admin of her discord server…?!?! Planning for pride events, one year on adhd medication-milestone, I get to have some of the deepest connections with someone I feel really close to (without feeling unworthy of it), finally starting project work back up after uni burnt the hell out of me, hopping into my first „after uni“-job next to freelancing (I am working with so many wonderful people ;W; 🧡)

____________

Feeling better, may be forever? Big wide open space to try. I don‘t have to be on the top to see!

Hayley Kiyoko – panorama

[xcertaindarkthingsx]

so i’m still emotionally hungover from the finale

like.... embarrassingly so. it’s coming up on a week and i still tear up thinking about it or whenever i see gifs on my dash (which is why i haven’t reblogged any mando things lately alkdjfalj i cry everytime)

but idk i just have a lot of thots still about it so i’m just gonna dump them here.  feel free to message/ask to discuss, we can be in pain together LMAO

OK FIRST THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL 2022 

i was so devastated when i heard that my god 

like yes of course i am excited for boba fett and to see fennec bUT LIKE I MISS MY SPACE COWBOY AND HIS SON

i just.... cannot get over that they’re apart

like, trust me i understand why grogu had to leave but it just breaks my fucking heart

i cannot get over how good din is.  like he is just a good person overall.  he gives so much even if it means getting nothing in return.  even to complete strangers.  he’s this hardened, no nonsense man but shows so much KINDNESS to everyone he touches and that’s why i love him so so much 

even after doing everything in his power to save the kid, he still loses him in the end but he lets him go because he knows it’s for the best

like... din knows what it’s like to be lost, to be without his people, his clan.  hell, he’s living it! he’s looking for the rest of his covert after seeing them mostly get wiped out, not even knowing how many of them are even left.

and now we know that grogu went through the same thing as a youngling, he’s lost and without his people, he doesn’t have that familiarity and he never thought he would get that back. until now.

until that new hope of luke appears

so that’s why din let’s him go. he wants his son to become what he was meant to be.  

and i don’t even wanna TALK ABOUT GROGU ASKING FOR PERMISSION TO LEAVE 

BC IT HURTS

HE LOVES DIN SO MUCH HE SEES HIM AS A FATHER

AND GROGU WAS PROBABLY SO TORN ABOUT LEAVING 

but maybe he does bc he knows how much his dad has sacrificed to get him where he is.  and he wants to protect him.  

I’M CRYING AGAIN  

DIN DJARIN DESERVES TO BE WITH HIS CHILD AND YET HE ISN’T

he started this journey alone and now he’s just... alone again

ALSO WE DIDN’T GET A KELDABE KISS OR HIM SPEAKING TO GROGU IN MANDO’A AND I WILL BE FOREVER SALTY ABOUT IT OKAY

the face touch was so precious though, i’ll give them that bc i was bawling like a mf baby 

“don’t be afraid?” yeah excuse me while i go pass away

the whole moment was just so soft and tender it just melted my insides 

shoutout to pedro pascal’s magnificent acting during that whole scene bc i was inconsolable for like hours

ALSO WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM TAKE OFF HIS HELMET WITH SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE ROOM!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like it would have been more impactful if they had like a brief private moment together

yanno THAT WAY DIN IS NOT LIKE ACTIVELY SHOWING HIS FACE TO EVERYONE

that nod of acknowledgement between din and luke, where din understands that luke really will protect the child with his life so he knows it’s okay.

i’m fine

WHY DIDN’T THEY BRING UP THE SILVER BALL AND THE MYTHOSAUR NECKLACE

WHY

i would have loved to see just, idk a shot of the necklace on grogu and din like absentmindedly holding the metal ball

i don’t want to think about how after din probably just holds it and cries 

I’M FINE

luke skywalker showing up to save the day in his chanel boots will always be a fave

however it sucks that i immediately bawl 2 minutes after he shows up HAHA the thrill of seeing him is cut short by my sadness

(although.... it would have been cool to see cal. but i’m ok with it being luke bc we finally get the luke we deserve/know and love)

also luv ludwig goransson for the bangers

even though the theme makes me cry now

also, MISS ‘gideon is mine, got it?’ BO-KATAN...... WHY TF DID YOU NOT LOOK FOR GIDEON WHEN HE WAS NOT ON THE BRIDGE 

HMMMMMMMM

(i understand this was to further complicate the plot of her acquiring the darksaber but like.... man did it piss me off when she had that surprised pikachu face after seeing din with that saber LMAO like what did u think was gonna happen girl?????)

props to gideon for being a shady lil’ shit about it LMAO 

however shoutout to our accidental mand’alor din djarin

luv that for him

he’s sexy with that saber CHANGE MY MIND

pls i cannot get that end shot of boba and fennec on the throne out of my head ladjfkdj the bi panic was real 

uhhhh ya i think that’s it 

i had a lot more thoughts tbh but i’m at work and burnt out so