#I sometimes feel like I'm the only one sensible/brave enough to say these things :/

[askthekoopsandjr]

Serious Post.

I don't understand what is wrong with some of you out there to casually interact with/follow a blog and be a disgusting bigot. Racism, queerphobia, ableism, xenophobia, etc. is not okay and never was. I am absolutely appalled and disgusted at the nasty comments and asks that I have received ever since opening this blog by fatuous jerkwads with a few pebbles rattling around in their skulls, and have lost my patience. If you are against a marginalized group of people in any way, shape or form, you are the scum of the Earth and deserve to be ridiculed and shamed. If I ever receive another comment or ask like the one I just saw in my notifications, I will not be nice about it. I don't care if this is "just an ask blog" or "this is the internet", I will not tolerate prejudice and you will find that out the hard way if need be.

My Koopalings are black and queer and have disabilities. Deal with it. Shut up and go punch a brick wall if that upsets you.

[sunflowersandscreams]

finished the raven boys. exhale.

really good. holy shit what a downward spiral.

adam pressing charges and then slowly losing more and more control, which is one of the most important things to him and reflective of the nature of abuse (taking away someone's control). can't wait to read on to see what the consequences of him sacrificing himself are. also him living with his disability- I personally don't have hearing loss but i always love to read stories with disability elements, whether metaphorical or literal. also interested in if this is it with his family? because it feels like he has more to go through there. i also think there's a risk of him becoming more isolated at the church apartment(?). unsure. also him and blue are so sweet. i hope they don't crash and burn.

ronan- doesn't have the most massive part in this book. with his last line i suspect we'll go more in depth on his dream powers(?) later on. (wish the last scene and ronans line had been a bit more drawn out. it felt jarring and too much too fast). love him so far and hope there's more of his pov in the next book. what a piece of shit (affectionate).

noah- what the fuuuck. man. so I assume he just does not age? how will this relate to the others growing older and moving out and living their own lives? I assume at some point they'll kind of have to let him go? but very curious about who he was before he was a ghost/spirit.

whelk- holy moly. wish we'd gotten a little more on his background but i get that this book is kind of vague and ephemeral with details sometimes. his death felt very impactful because of how quickly his power was stripped away, i think. love the anti-gun sentiment through the book btw. truly nothing has ever been fixed with a gun.

neeve & maura- just a big question mark. especially with neeves ambitions and weird mask stuff. giving me the vibes of an evil mirror twin but I don't think that's the case. Maura i love you. she's sensible but a bit messy, much like blue. I have no idea where the dad plot point is going but eager to find out.

gansey- what's wrong with you fr. he's at his best when he's miserable <3 I love the flashes of him and blue. can't wait to see them fall in love and be star crossed lovers. hate his nickname as well as blue's. i don't see the appeal. fuck he's just so tragic. he falls in love with everyone he meets and he's very genuine but also naive in many ways bc of his privilege. him and ronan augvvh i can't wait to see more. him and Adam are soso bad for each other except when they're not. i can see why many people say polyamory for these people. (or maybe im just in an echo chamber.)

blue- my girl!! she has so much life and energy to her i really want to know why she doesn't have powers similar to her mother's and is only a magic amplifier. i wonder if she'll discover some? I like her interactions and her initial outsider sort of vibe but she's confident enough to fake it til she makes it and get in with the group. I wish they could be happy. love her attraction to everyone in the group, wanting to impress ronan, instant zing with Noah, sweetness with Adam, and banter with gansey. she's very brave but not in a way that feels hashtag badass in some 2010s YA lit. want to see her break down and lose her mind a bit though.

okay! those are my thoughts on characters. as for plot- something is very much starting. it feels like there are layers to this. with more books and gansey having searched in other countries for ley lines i hope we get some more settings outside of Henrietta, but keep a main focus on the town. cabeswater isn't done with them yet and there is something definitely sinister about it. i don't think it's a force for evil but definitely outside human morals and very very powerful.

I'm curious as to how the Latin fits in- to my knowledge this book has elements of Irish & Welsh folklore, and Latin reads more Roman to me? but maybe I'm uninformed & I might do more research into this after I've finished the whole series so i don't spoil myself.

okay. post done! again please don't spoil for future books.

[moth-fuzz]

I smoked a cigarette (tobacco) on my balcony for the first time in what feels like ages. I immediately got misty eyed thinking, "what would my parents think if they found out?" "what would my ex think if they saw me?" "won't my friends be concerned?", and how even the little pleasures I partake in are run through a calculus of what-ifs for every person in the hypothetical room except myself.

I am reminded of what drove me to pick up smoking, I was 24, my ex of 4 years (give or take) had just moved out, and I was about to visit my parents for christmas. I was caught between the identity I had embedded into my relationship with my ex for 4 years, and the identity I had embedded into my relationship with my parents for the 20 years prior. I didn't know who I was anymore. I wanted to do something that, truly, in all possible cases, only I would enjoy. My parents would hate knowing that I smoked. My ex would probably yell at me (and they did, later). But me, I always loved the smell, the taste, the feeling as the smoke hit the back of my throat. I wanted to do something that I was the only person in the world who would approve of, so I could be sure that it was me, just me, calling the shots for my own life.

I looked up at the sky and wondered why I don't write songs anymore. Why I haven't really for almost 8 years, now. Writing songs that you'll expect your parents to hear is hard enough, but I had accepted that at this point. But not being able to write songs around your potential life-partner, who you share a roof with? That's heartbreaking. In the years me & my ex lived together, I made electronic music through headphones, but nothing that involved guitar, nothing that involved my voice. Nothing with words. How could I? They lived on just the other side of my bedroom door, they would hear every creak in my voice, every word I pronounced incorrectly, every high note I couldn't hit. I just stopped. The door closed.

They moved out, but it's been years and I've still not opened the door yet. All that calculus of 'what-if' still runs through my head. Every time I sit down to write a song I'm suddenly thinking about the whims and sensibilities of everyone I know. It's a function with no solutions, a matrix of variables that always multiplies to zero. Someone over here doesn't wanna hear this, someone over there doesn't wanna hear that. I could write songs alone by myself, but, then what's the point of art? I write music because I have things to say. Things I want people to hear. Even, no, especially if it makes them uncomfortable. So why am I scared of it doing exactly that?

Why am I scared of smoking being too defiant when that's the reason I picked it up in the first place?

A little over a week ago I broke up with someone very close to me for the past couple of years, who will always remain in my mind as the one responsible for getting me through my past breakup, and one of my best friends. I imagine our future bright, but, our present is the result of a long decay - we didn't hurt each other, there was simply a lack of interest and a lack of involvement that lead to nothing but fear and neglect. Neither of us fought for the relationship. Neither of us were brave. I'm still sitting with the fallout from my decision to end it, but, I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want my lack of confidence in my own decisions to be the death of me. I want to take the reins, I want to drive, where at least if I hurt myself or someone else it'll be because of my action and not because of my inaction.

Sometimes I almost wish we hurt each other. I wish I wrote a song about her. Maybe I will one day.

Tonight, here I am on the balcony, smoking.

[pluralwives]

The Failures of Plural Representation

Tw: mental health, abuse, torture, plural vilification, neurotypical shit.

My dad... (I don't want to say 'made me') invited me to watch The Lord of the Rings from a very young age. You know, like any good gen X parent would. And of course I fell in love with it! I was raised a nerd after all.

My favorite scene ofc has to be the part when Eowyn goes all Mulan and bitch slaps the Witch King to death saying "I am no man. I'm a woman!".

For a long time these movies became the gold standard for what good story telling looked liked. It sparked my passion for storytelling, cinema and writing.

Recently I've been rewatching the trilogy, the extended versions on HBO. And I hadn't watched them in so long, they felt like new and yet... they felt like home.

There aren't many things that have made me feel like home ever since I left my body...

But tonight I finished watching the two towers.

Began with a vat full of mousse cake and my wife by my side!

Finished sad... with a bad taste in my mouth that won't leave.

(No, it wasn't the mousse. My Alesha could never make anything that wasn't perfect)

And it's funny. Bc I remember that on the original cut that my dad and I rented from a Block Buster, the story of Smeagol seemed so sad to me.

But what I just saw was far from sad, it was cruel!

And not like some dramatic tragedy or anything like that!

It was a joke!

Smeagol was a joke!

His pain was just some passing slapstick! Sauron tortures him! The humans too! Sam harrasses him! And Frodo betrays him!

"You have shown your quality, sir. The very highest."

"You left out one of the chief characters: Sawise the Brave."

"There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

Oh! Why don't you go fuck a po-tay-toe, Sam! You bastard half-ling!

Faramir gets the girl!

Sam gets revindicated for misstrusting Smeagol!

And Frodo goes to the eternal shores or some shit!

And Gollum?

To the flames where he fucking belongs, the freak!

"But he was too far gone! The ring had taken control over him! He couldn't be trusted!"

👆

(Windows 10 seeks to censor me)

Yes, obviously. He is a flawed character. Just like almost everyone in the movies.

But you just don't see Boromir getting the same treatment. No, he gets the bitter-sweet flashback with his brother.

And Smeagol proves to get better and get rid of his toxic counterpart and be happy again! (100 times the strength any soldier has ever had in my experience) But still... No.

He's still just a freak.

The creature Gollum.

But alright. So J. R. R. Tolkien sucks at mental health representation. I don't think that's such a hot take if I know the internet.

But here's the catch:

It is worth remembering.

Cuz history has a funny way of tripping you over and kicking you in the gut for the bad memory of others.

(Split 2016)

A bad movie? Yes! But a popular movie? Also yes!

And that's why I'm currently mad enough to write a Tumblr blog at 4 in the morning. Bc popular media seems to mostly just show pural folks as monsters and not people you can empathize with!

And that's fucking scary bc, guess what?

We don't want to be treated like fucking monsters!

Big surprise there!

...

It's just... I sometimes forget how scary it can be.

To think that you can't be who you are in public because people will look at you... and see nothing less than a creature.

I didn't choose to be this way, and yet I'm trying to love myself for what I am...

And then you look at me and... What? Do I matter so little? Do you see me as lesser? ... Am I not even a person? ... Is it even a crime to harm me?

Fuck...

...

It's not all bad news though.

Maybe as part of the recent trend towards mental health acceptance, or maybe just bc of some rando guardian angel writer. or just for the f'ing lols, we're starting to see for the first time the representation of characters with multiple personalities that is not only accurate and sensible, but also effective and heartfelt from a storytelling pov.

I didn't finish Moon Knight, but for what I saw it gives me great hope that this will become the standard for talking abt multiple personalities on popular media from now on... bc that would honestly get rid of so much my daily stress.

...

I just want a family at the end of the day.

I want a stable job, I want my own small business, I want a house for my wife, and I want a child that feels free to become whatever the want to, and need to be. And I want heroes they can look up to.

Bc I'm running out of mine...

I'm really sad I have to leave this part of my childhood behind.

I could start trying to split hairs and defend the movie as something far away from Tolkien's nastyness... but something tells me that it's just not gonna be the same ever again.

I'm not gonna stop my rewatch or ban TLOTR from my home. They're still cool movies. It's just that the same enjoyment is no longer there. And I just don't feel like indoctrinating my family to these movies just like I was, even if some of their lessons are important.

For that I have Moon Girl and Devi Dinosaur!

–Tal

[liron-ao3]

It's not that Dean doesn't like Castiel. It is more of an I-swear-on-my-mother's-grave-I'll-kill-him kinda relationship. Because the thing is, Castiel set up Dean's little brother Sam and his stepsister Rowena and it isn't that Dean could say it out loud, but he is worried. To say the least.

Rowena has a power over Sam that makes Dean's stomach flip. She conjures sappy smiles on Sam's face and makes him follow her like a love-drunk puppy. She's a witch, Dean is convinced, but he tries hard not to mention that in Sammy's orbit. He heard the whole that's-a-misogynistic-term speech when Sam was dating that Ruby chick and Dean knows that his brother would only cling closer to the Scot if he knew that Dean thinks that his fiancée is straight from hell.

So Dean grits his teeth, swallows his tongue, and plays nice around her, even going as far as agreeing to be his brother's best man. He will still be there when Sam comes running with his heart broken and with his tail between his legs.

Castiel, on the other hand? That man he can hate in abundance. Not that he has ever met him, but honestly, he has to be Lucifer himself if he thinks their siblings to be a good match.

Dean can picture him vividly—a leer on his face, sweet-talking people into feeling safe and then smiting them with the snap of his fingers. That man has to be evil incarnate and Dean won't pussyfoot around him. No way!

***

"Play nice," Bobby grumbles when they enter the venue for the rehearsal dinner.

"I am nice," Dean hisses back.

"Sure you are," his surrogate father says and makes a beeline for Ellen and Jo on the other side of the room.

Dean shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans and scans the room for the man he is sure he will recognise immediately. But no one really sticks out from the crowd that is well-dressed and mostly speaking in different kinds of British accents. Family of the bride, obviously.

Dean feels a little underdressed until he spots a man in an ill-fitting suit, draped into a trenchcoat. He is standing next to a redheaded, slim woman, who Dean would probably try to get on the backseat of his Impala if he wasn't set on finding that Castiel guy, sweet talk him today and wreck him tomorrow. Unless Sam does the wise thing and cancels the wedding, which seems less and less likely by the minute. Rowena's spell seems to become stronger day by day. Dean hardly recognises his ever-worrying, self-loathing brother anymore, with all the grinning that goes on on his face.

Maybe Dean is an asshole, but he has pulled Sam from the edge too many times to count. This is too good to be true. Happiness doesn't find a Winchester. Not in his experience.

Dean walks to the other side from where the redhead smiled over to him. Maybe she can point him to the object of his hate. She tilts her head to the side when he comes closer.

"You must be Dean," she says, stretching out her hand. Dean is taken aback by her knowledge.

"How did you…?"

She shrugs. "I know nearly everyone in this room. And the only two men Sam ever mentioned were his brother and Bobby who I assume is the fella over there."

Dean looks in the direction she is nodding to. "Yeah. Sam always had more female friends."

"I think that's what Rowena likes about him. He's sensible."

Dean huffs. "Yeah, I bet she likes that he's soft for her."

"He makes her very happy," the man says and his voice does things to Dean's insides he doesn't want to nurse right now. He needs to focus on his anger. Arousal isn't helpful.

"If you say so," Dean grunts.

Anna furrows her brow. "Are you okay, Dean?" she asks concerned.

"Yeah, just not really convinced about this whole wedding business. Don't you think it's too fast?"

The man tilts his head to the side and Dean starts seeing the family resemblance. "I think that they complement each other very well. I would have expected Sam's best man to see that, too."

Dean can't really argue with that. "I don't know her well enough to judge. I just know that my brother is a different person now."

"And you don't like that?" the woman asks. Hell, Dean doesn't even know their names and spills all the beans, probably making an ass of himself.

"He's my brother. I know him better than anyone and this—" He gestures in the engaged couple's direction. "This isn't the man I raised."

Two pairs of eyes move to the tall men and back to Dean.

"You mean a happy man?" the woman asks.

"No. I mean…" Dean should have kept his mouth shut. They don't know Sam, his dark thoughts, the forced smiles, the brave face. Dean knows it all or at least well enough to know that the chuckling man on the other side of the room is a stranger to him. Okay, maybe Dean is a bit overdramatic. He knows Sam laughing, pulling pranks. But life had been shitty to both of them and the only people they could always rely on were the two of them.

Yes, their circles have widened over time, with Jody and the girls, Charlie and Dorothy. Still, happiness isn't really part of their lives. They might get glimpses of it, but…

"You mean what? That our sister isn't good enough for your big shot lawyer brother?" the man asks.

Dean freezes. He sometimes forgets that Sam isn't little Sammy anymore. That he's one step away from leaving his old life behind, and with it his big brother, probably.

Dean scans the people in the room, mainly the bride's family and he swallows hard. Yes, he's the odd one out. He only owns a single suit, so he couldn't wear it tonight. Is it that? Is he jealous? Or anxious to lose Sam?

He looks back at the bride and groom. Sam presses a kiss into Rowena's hair. From afar, they are a cute couple with the difference in height and the unconventional age gap.

Dean bites the inside of his cheek and tries to unclench his fists. It isn't working.

"She's way out of his league," he hears himself say, not knowing where this is even coming from.

"That's what you said, Anna, the first time you met Sam," the man chuckles.

Anna? Oh, that's the future sister-in-law Sam raved about and Dean thinks he wants to set him up with. Well, that probably flew out of the window a minute ago.

"I didn't, Castiel. I said I was surprised that she went for someone younger. That's all."

Dean's eyes shoot up. That's the man? The man, who he built up as the bogeyman who would get familiar with his fist? A fucking baby in a trenchcoat?

The whole house of cards that Dean has built up over weeks is threatening to collapse. Dean's throat tightens and he pops a button on his polo shirt, but to no avail. He meets Castiel's eyes for a moment, the other man squinting at him as if he could look deep into his soul.

"Are you okay, Dean?" he asks and sounds concerned.

"Yeah. Just need some air," Dean all but spits and heads for the door.

He props himself up on the roof terrace's balustrade and tries to sort through all his contradicting feelings. He hates it. It's all him. His fear to be left behind, for the only constant in his life to leave, like everybody else who has ever meant something to him. He's jealous and the realisation hits him hard.

Yes, he doesn't know Rowena, but Sam does. Well enough to want to marry her. Sam, who thought he was too toxic for a real relationship. Dean always told him that this was bullshit. And now that his little brother is finally listening, Dean acts like a jaundiced ex? Fuck!

"There you are," a too-familiar voice comes from behind. "I thought you left me hanging, man."

Dean chuckles. "I have to lead the bride to the altar, right?" He ruffles Sam's hair. His brother glares at him, but without heat.

"Wanna come in? I'd like to introduce you to Rowena's best man."

"Who's that?"

"Castiel."

Dean's eyes sink to the floor. Of course, he is. "Already met him."

Sam raises an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you already snubbed him."

"Nah. I wouldn't embarrass you in front of your new family." It's enough that Dean embarrassed himself.

"Most of them are kind people," Sam says carefully. "And after tomorrow, Rowena is your family, too."

Dean works his jaw. It's a bit difficult to look at Sam, now that he realised that he's never given his fiancée a real chance.

"You'll be here in California, and I'll be back in Kansas. We'll be lucky if we see each other on Christmas."

Sam squeezes his shoulder. "You could move here, Dean."

The older brother shakes his head. "I don't belong here, Sammy." Another squeeze. "And I can't afford to take off so much to drive over." And soon you'll be too busy to fly back to where everything feels small and like past, he adds in his head. He puts on a smile nonetheless.

"Samuel?" Rowena calls from the entrance. "Dinner starts in five."

Sam smiles over to his future bride. "I just need a minute, mo ghràdh."

"Mo what?"

"It's Scottish Gaelic for 'my love'."

Dean raises an eyebrow and chuckles. "You really got it bad, huh?"

"I wouldn't marry her if I didn't."

Dean pats his back. "I'm happy for you man." He's surprised that he means it.

***

Dinner goes fine and Dean has a nice conversation with Anna, who is seated next to him. Luckily, she's not of the resentful kind. Still, Dean is feeling out of place. Their found family is so much smaller than Rowena's real one with all the siblings and cousins from both sides of the pond. And this is only the rehearsal.

As soon as dinner is done, Dean excuses himself and flees to the hotel. A real one that Sam was kind enough to pay. It makes Dean feel only smaller and not good enough.

He takes a shower and walks out on the balcony, just a towel slung around his waist. He can hear the waves hitting the beach nearby and seabirds screeching. He gets why Sam moved here, why he won't come back. It still stings.

Dean did everything in his power to get him so far and he can't bring himself to regret it. But he's still angry. Maybe he is anger, plain and simple. He's been angry since his mother died and his father gave a shit about giving his sons a home. This anger will probably never go away. It's good that Sam found happiness, Dean muses. At least one of them should.

There's movement on the balcony next door and despite the separation wall, Dean can see the trenchcoat clad arms propped up on the railing. What are the odds?

"Castiel?"

There is a long pause and then comes, "Dean?" This gravelly voice doesn't fail to move him. If Dean didn't decide to scratch the term 'witch' for his future sister-in-law, he would wonder if her stepbrother might be a witcher, too.

"Yeah. Not into parties?"

There is another pause, probably filled with a head shake Dean can't see. "I don't like crowds of people. And my family is, well, my family. I love them, but it's complicated."

"I get it," Dean says, although he probably doesn't.

"You seem to have cooled down a little," Castiel states matter-of-factly.

"Was it so obvious?"

Castiel laughs and the sound vibrates into Dean's heart, churning it in delicious ways. "You looked as if you were out to kill someone."

Dean chuckles. "I kinda was."

"Why? And who?"

Dean swallows hard. What he would give for a beer right now, but he had way too much of that red wine already. Maybe that's why he answers, "You." There is a long moment of surprise that Castiel doesn't seem inclined to break, so Dean adds, "I built up this story in my head that Rowena bewitched Sam and you were at fault because you brought them together."

"And now?"

Dean shrugs his shoulders. "I only want Sammy to be happy."

Castiel hums on the other side of the separation. "Why are you sounding so sad then?"

A flare of anger rises in Dean's chest. The man doesn't know him. What gives him the right to state something like this?

"Blow me, Cass!" he grinds out. That guy is getting under his skin. Why, he doesn't know. Maybe because he's right.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

The retort comes quick like a shot and Dean is struck speechless for a way too long moment. Castiel starts chuckling.

"You're an asshole!" Dean grumbles.

"An asshole who gives good head, though," Castiel says smugly.

Dean groans. No, he won't think of these sinful lips wrapped around his cock. No way, José.

"Is that an offer?" his mouth asks without his consent.

"I'm not a one-off kind of guy, Dean."

Dean wishes he wouldn't have to lie if he said he wasn't either. Is there an expiration date for that stamp if you haven't got laid for more than a year? Probably not.

The silence stretches into an eternity until Castiel quietly says, "Good night," leaving Dean alone in the pale moonlight.

***

Rowena looks beautiful and Sam smart. Dean manages to get through the whole wedding ceremony and his best man speech without a single glimmer of jealousy. Bobby looks at him approvingly and Ellen whispers into his ear that his mum would have been so proud of him.

Still, Dean finds himself on the balcony once again. His thoughts need space to swirl around him. There's a lot to process on this fine day—his brotherly/parent-like love, his own loneliness in a room full of people, the strange stares that Castiel and he have been sharing the whole day…

He presses the palms of his hands against his eyes, hoping to force back the sting of tears building up in them. A warm hand lands on his shoulder, startling him. "You've done well."

Dean chuckles without mirth. "Can't remember when anyone said something like this about me." He bites his lip, hard. Why did he say that? To a complete stranger nonetheless. Castiel doesn't comment on it, though, and Dean sighs in relief.

The music coming from the party changes to something slow and Castiel asks, "May I have the next dance?"

Dean turns his head and stares at the outstretched hand for a very long moment. He has never danced with a man before. Not without a beer bottle in his hand and for sure not a slow dance. But he feels a pull to this man, who he hated with all his guts just a day ago. A man with kind eyes, a shy smile, and a patience Dean isn't used to.

He takes the offered hand and Castiel's smile grows wider, just like Dean's heart. Castiel pulls him slowly into his arms, lets him settle against him, and rewards Dean's head leant against his own with a gentle brush over his back.

Dean shivers at the tender touch and bites the inside of his cheek in a last attempt to keep back the tears welling up in his eyes.

"It's okay," Castiel says. "Let go. No one will see it."

And Dean does. In the arms of a stranger under the Californian moon. He doesn't shake off the tender hand carding through his hair, or the strong arms holding him upwards. He lets out the sobs he's been holding and allows Castiel to brush away his tears before their lips meet in a gentle kiss. He smiles at Castiel bashfully afterwards.

"It's okay," Castiel repeats.

Dean chuckles. "Is it? Crying like a baby in a stranger's arms?"

"Crying like the big brother, who raised a wonderful man and has to let him go to live his own life. Crying like a lonely man, who hasn't been touched intimately for ages."

Dean furrows his brow. "How?"

Castiel smiles at him with so much warmth that Dean feels like welling up again.

"Sam loves you. He talks about you all the time. It felt like I knew you before we even met. And the rest? Let's say, kindred souls recognise each other."

Dean huffs a laugh. "You're good, man."

Castiel smirks at him. "And you're a good man, Dean Winchester," he says and leans in for another kiss.

Maybe, Dean muses, Castiel is magical after all.

[madamewriterofwrongs]

I see a lot of Buck and May fics, but how about Buck and Henry? And Eddie and Maddie never got enough love. Or Eddie and Athena. Heck, even Eddie and Chimney. I'm starting to ramble so I'm just gonna go. 😘

Never stop talking about all the friendships on the show. 

This involved neither May nor Harry (I may write one later), but it does involve a bunch of FireFam goodness so I hope you enjoy <3

“Do you ever feel like we’re spending our lives babysitting a bunch of rowdy teenagers?”

Bobby looked up from his place at the kitchen sink when his wife walked in to the dining room, face firmly in her phone.

“Every day.” Curiosity got the better of him, so he made his way to Athena’s side, drying his hands as he leaned over her shoulder. “The kids having too much of a good time?”

She snorted, tilting the screen for her husband to see. “Do you know what this text says?”

Eiddjr and i aren fettj t martine brjnt shors

Bobby barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the text from Karen. The kids were definitely having too much fun. It was almost time to call it quits.

“It looks Norse.” He shrugged. “Maybe they ended up at a Viking bar?”

He was very used to Athena’s confused, judgemental looks, but he never felt any better when they were aimed in his direction.

“What the hell is a Viking bar?”

He had no answer (and apparently his impression of a stereotypical Viking helmet made with embarrassed hands, wasn’t enough of an explanation) but he was saved by his own phone chiming with a new text.

Buck’s text message was at least a page long; but at least it was coherent.

“It’s definitely time to pick up the kids.” He had never seen so many ‘you are’ statements at once. Apparently, someone was feeling the love tonight. Not that it was much of a surprise; they all deserved a night off – it was the whole reason Bobby and Athena were still awake at 2am when they would much rather be in bed. Their gift to Buck and Eddie was to let them be wild and irresponsible for one night, and they would pick them up when it was time to come home and sleep it off (he’d foolishly offered to make breakfast in the morning as well, which earned him a slap on the shoulder from Athena who did not enjoy the idea of hosting a sleepover with six drunk adults).

Eddie had taken a little convincing when it came to their plan, sure that he could control himself and wouldn’t go over the top the way his fiancé would.

Photo evidence throughout the evening suggested otherwise – but those wouldn’t be discovered until the next morning.

At the moment, Eddie was sandwiched between Maddie and Karen, each matching him shot for shot, enjoying the anonymity and privacy of the bar too loud to be overheard and too crowded to care.

“I’m serious, Eddie,” Karen leaned in to his shoulder. “you and I would make beautiful babies together. If I didn’t love my wife so much – and I was sexually attracted to you at all – I would absolutely have your babies.”

Eddie, for his part, accepted her attempt at a hug with a whimper and a smile. “Karen, that’s so sweet. Hen is so luck to have you, you know that?”

“I know, right?” She only shouted so she could be heard over the music (which none of them would admit not knowing the words to).

“No, I’m serious.” Eddie batted away invisible hands. “You are so smart, and you’re incredibly patient – not to mention drop dead gorgeous. And you’re honest, and funny as hell.” He fell into her side. “You’re great.”

Karen stared down at where he rested on her shoulder, either forgetting what she was going to say, or thinking so slowly, it took her that long to come to a conclusion.

“I hope Buck tops you so hard tonight.”

Maddie slammed her glass on the table, having jumped ahead of them in the shot game while they were in their own round of complimentary chicken.

“I specifically avoided my brother’s party so I wouldn’t have to hear about his sexual escapades.”

Eddie rolled his head to look at his future sister-in-law.

“Maddie, I so appreciate you coming with me tonight. I like spending time with you; we should talk more. You’re so brave and”

“Blah, blah, blah.” Maddie rolled her eyes, already reaching for another shot of whatever they’d ordered a dozen of when they told the bartender to surprise them. “You are so talkative when you’re drunk. It’s like alcohol switches off the part of your brain that tells you when to shut up. Which is a slight improvement over the rest of the time when it’s like pulling teeth to get you to say three words to me.”

His pout seemed to melt off his face as she went on her tirade, but he finally found the words. “You make me nervous; but in a good way. I love your brother so much, and he cares a lot about what you think.” Words were becoming a challenge but he soldiered on – ha! “I think Buck would be sad if you didn’t like me and I don’t want him to be sad. So I worry about you liking me.”

Maddie sighed heavily, passing him his own shot glass for them to toast. “You make it so hard to be annoyed with you, you know that?”

“Hey, why are you trying to steal my imaginary boyfriend?” Karen shot up from her micro-nap, reaching for her own glass.

“Don’t worry, Karen” Eddie hugged her to his side. “We’ll always have Joxer’s.”

“If I didn’t have 100% confidence in your love for my brother, I’d be worried about how much the two of you are flirting.”

His eyes were wide when he turned to Maddie. “You’re 100% confident? But I thought you said I was annoying?”

“You are very annoying” she assured him. “But one of the most annoying things about you is how openly you love Buck.”

“It is disgustingly cute.” Karen nodded in agreement (though, nodded was a generous description for the slow head bob as she drifted in and out of consciousness).

“You’ve always just wanted what was best for him and tried to make him happy. I can tell you he’s never been happier than he is with you. You’re really good for my brother, Eddie.”

Later, he might blame the tears on the alcohol, but tonight, he pulled Maddie into a hug, kissed her hair, and told her again how much he loved her.

“Lame!” Chimney declared, holding up his own glass of something he should have stopped drinking hours ago. “That’s too tame, Hen, dare him to take his shirt off while he does it.”

Hen’s laughter was swallowed by the bustling crowd of old alcoholics and broke college students.

“I sometimes think you just see me as a piece of meat, Chim.” Buck’s quiet contemplation had been the source of much mocking all evening and now was no different, earning disapproving groans and snide remarks that had ceased being subtle four shots ago.

“We all know he has the hots for Eddie” Hen snorted.

That seemed to satisfy Buck’s pout (or the mention of his fiancé never failed to put a smile on his face). “I don’t blame you; Eddie is very hot.” He paused long enough to point a shaky finger in his friend’s direction. “But you are not allowed to cheat on my sister. She’d be really sad if you broke her heart and I don’t want to see her sad anymore.”

Chimney stared at his brother-in-law until he found the energy to move his mouth, as much sincerity as he could muster pouring all over the table. “I love your sister. I want to spend my whole life making her happy.”

“Shots!” Hen loudly declared, passing out new glasses for the trio from the tray they’d ordered, vowing it would be the last round – a lie that no one (not even the bartenders) believed.

“Shots!” Chimney failed to sit up from his slumped position at the edge of the booth but he managed to retrieve his drink and clink glasses with his friends, which was enough for the moment.

Hen held them in suspense with their tequila in the air. “One more shot, and you have to strip on the bar. That’s the deal.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “I’m not stripping on the bar again.”

Both paramedics nearly spit out their drinks but Hen was the first to regain her senses.

“You’ve done it before?”

“No!” His response came too late – and if any of them remembered this night, he might be worried about repercussions.

“You have.” Chimney point a lazy hand in his general direction, fading faster than the others.

“Why are you on her side now?” Buck would be very offended at both Chimneys, if he could look either of them in the eyes.

“I’m on the winning side.” He loudly declared, dropping his shot glass a little too forcefully onto the table, shattering their eardrums.

“If you’re not going to at least jump on the table then I’m going home.” Hen was already stumbling out of the booth when Buck grabbed her arm.

“Fine, fine,” he conceded, pushing their copious glassware to the edges of the table. “For you.”

Five minutes later, the trio caught themselves against the side of the building, Chimney holding an icepack to Buck’s forehead, and Hen apologizing to the bouncer for the seventh time as the door slammed behind them.

“My phone is dead so we can’t call Bobby.” Buck tucked his phone into his back pocket – nearly falling over when he went back to retrieve the phone that never made it into his pants.

“I could call Bobby.” Chimney did his best to keep his friend upright, but coordination was not his friend tonight.

“Or we could walk!” Hen declared, already setting off towards the sidewalk. What choice did they have but to follow behind, decidedly not calling Bobby to come get them from the other side of town.

While Chimney held the ice pack, Buck was free to sling his arms around his friends and pull them close.

“I am so lucky to know you guys, you know that?” The force of his embrace sent them stumbling over the synthetic grass, but they caught themselves in time. “See, you protect me.”

Hen, clearly the sensible one of the group, pulled them forward. “Come on, I bet we could run and keep our arms locked like this.”

Eddie’s trio weren’t fairing much better, having respectfully paid their bar tab after a woman tried to hit on Eddie, and Karen nearly threw an empty glass at her head. Maddie had wisely called Athena (although, the vulgar language she used would be the source of a lecture at the breakfast table), but that didn’t stop them from wandering down the street and away from the place they’d promised to stay.

They were definitely too far from their meeting spot when Eddie spotted a group of familiar faces across the four-lane road.

“Buck?!” he called, pulling more attention than strictly necessary. As long as it got the one man he was after, it would be worth it.

“Eddie?” Bingo! Both parties stood parallel to each other, mirroring their swaying movement. “What are you doing over there?”

“We’re waiting for Athena.”

“Cool. We didn’t call Bobby so we’re walking home.”

Eddie furrowed his brow. “Home is that way.” He gestured in a direction that would eventually get them back to their home (if they circled the globe a few times).

“Oh.” Buck frowned, taking him at his word. “We’ll stop then.”

“What happened to your forehead?” Maddie’s shout startled him for her sheer proximity – not because he forgot she was there because he only had eyes for his fiancé. She had a good point though. Why was Chimney holding an ice pack to Buck’s head?

“He wrestled a bear” Hen declared.

“No, I didn’t.” Buck shot his friend an annoyed glare. The thought of shots made Eddie queasy in the night air, but he listened to the trio across the street.

“I told you to, but you said we couldn’t find one this late at night.”

“There’s one at the zoo.” Karen shouted unhelpfully.

“We should go to the zoo.” Hen latched on to his wife’s idea much too quickly.

“You’re all idiots.” Maddie rolled her eyes, stumbling as she did so; thank god she at least thought to wear flats for her evening out. “Come over here and wait for Athena with us.”

Chimney had to be pulled back by Buck’s lightning-dull reflexes when he stepped out onto the road at his wife’s command.

“Use the crosswalk dummy” she scolded, earning an indignant look from her brother.

“Don’t be mean to Chim; he loves you so much.”

“Yeah,” Chimney parroted. “I love you so much.”

Eddie watched the exchange wistfully. He’d always liked Maddie and Chimney’s relationship. They took care of each other and respected one another and laughed together and talked together. He could only hope that one day he’d find something that good.

Oh wait, he had.

“I’m going to marry you, Evan Buckley!” Eddie shouted to the world, his eyes landing on the only face that mattered. “You’re going to be mine forever.”

“I love you, Eddie Diaz” Buck called back. “I’m gonna marry you so hard.”

“Oh my god.” Six fuzzy heads turned to face a very put out – though secretly bemused – Athena Grant, arms crossed over her chest from her position against the light post. “It’s like herding cats with you all.”

“’Thena!” Hen called from across the street. “We didn’t call Bobby.”

“I noticed. He’s here anyways.” The police sergeant clicked her tongue in annoyance. “I’m not shouting at you three all night, get over here.” When they didn’t move right away, she added with a glare “now!”

While one drunken trio made their way to the crosswalk to join their friends, Athena turned her attention to the drunken trio in front of her.

“And you three, were supposed to stay by the bar. Instead, I have to walk six blocks to find you, while Bobby is trying to find those three stooges at their meeting location twenty blocks away.” She continued her lecture even as she pulled out her phone to call her husband. “The six of you are going to send us both into early retirement.”

“Bobby, your kids are here with mine, you know the bar? Great.” She’d barely swiped the call button when she found herself engulfed by Eddie’s hug.

“Thank you for coming to get us, Athena. You always take such good care of us.” She hesitated for a moment before sighing and giving in to his sloppy embrace.

“I’ll remind you you said that in the morning.” They were all going to wake up miserable. Why had she let her husband agree to let them take the spare bedrooms? If she conveniently forgot now, they’d never know.

She’d drive them back to her house anyways.

“I’ll always remember” he promised, eyes wide and sincere. “For as long as I Buck!” Athena recoiled when Eddie shouted in her ear, immediately detaching himself so he could fling his arms around his fiancé, letting the ice pack drop to the ground. “You came!”

Buck held Eddie tightly to his chest, squeezing as hard as they both could. “I’ll always come for you” he declared with the same sincerity Eddie had worn before. She hoped they remembered being this unbearably sappy. It wouldn’t be any fun to tease them if they had no idea what she was talking about.

As the three couples reunited, Athena stood off to the side, watching them cuddle and exchange light kisses. Karen and Hen’s touches were soft and quiet, Maddie and Chimney exchanged flirtatious words for only them, and Eddie was gently swiping his thumb over the inevitable bruise on Buck’s forehead. Each seemed to temper the other, adding a calm to the evening that had been chaos until now. They were happy – all of them – that seemed a hard thing to earn in their line of work. But they’d found it, somehow.

Her friends may be an absolute headache sometimes, but she loved them dearly.

Until Chimney vomited into the nearest trashcan, setting off an impossibly disgusting chain reaction amongst the group.

Maybe tonight, she’d love them from afar.

[apostatemages]

You want a lot of questions?! Even numbers! All of them. Because I'm horrible ?

Right, well, first off, fuck you :)

second, this is going under a read more

third, I’m leaving out the ones I know you already know/I don’t want to answer

2: Do I have any nicknames? Ninzz3: Zodiac sign? Aquarius4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? Tomb Raider Legend. I got every achievement possible in it years ago so it’s like a comforting, familiar walk for me.5: Book/series I reread? The only one I constantly reread is Memoirs of A Geisha, which I’ve read over 25 times, but I have read 1984 and the Call of Cthulhu several times as well.6: Aliens or ghosts? If I had to pick one, aliens. Because my space parents are always dicks to me and the other ones figured out how to paralyse me7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? I don’t have one of those because I’m not a huge reader in the conventional sense and most of my favourite authors are dead.10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? Awesome or nice11: Favourite song? Right now it’s Darkwave Surfer or Innsmouth, both by Aural Vampire12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? What books and movies they like. It’s always a good yardstick 14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? Yes. I could never stay angry at you for long15: Last song I listened to? Right now I’m listening to Burning For You - Blue Oyster Cult. Before that it was Jane - Jefferson Starship16: TV show I always recommend? It depends very much on what the other person is asking for, but in a more general sense? Buffy, AHS, Xena, Parks and Rec, Breaking Bad, Brooklyn 99. I’m not a huge TV watcher, I never saw any of those on TV when they were on, only on tape, DVD or streaming services. 18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? Girl Interrupted, Memoirs of A Geisha, Star Wars, Practical Magic, The Matrix. These always bring me out of a bad mood19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? My alarm is Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones21: What am I most afraid of? Onryo34: Someone I always think about? You!35: Am I excited about anything? My moon phase tattoos, which I’m getting in just over a week37: Favourite TV shows as a child? Buffy has been a firm favourite for as long as I can remember. All my favourite kids shows were like... Mona the Vampire and Arthur, 38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? No, not really. I’m weird about men39: Am I superstitious? Yes41: Do I have any strange phobias? I wouldn’t say any of mine are strange. Irrational, perhaps, but not strange.42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? I love taking photographs of people, but I rarely get the chance. To be in front of the camera it would have to be a stranger paying me to do it, or someone I trust very much.44: Last book I read? Right now I’m reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. One of my best friend’s brother recommended it to me.45: Last film I watched? In Her Shoes50: How do I destress? If I’m really stressed out I’ll just pull a fanon hux and fuck myself until I pass out. I’m too boneless and sated to care about anything else51: Do I like confrontation? A sick little part of me does take pleasure in it when it’s someone I don’t really like54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? On because I see things in the dark and it scares me55: Play any sports? No, but I enjoy swimming and gymnastics.59: Afraid of heights? As much as any sensible person is.61: What was the last concert I went to see? I’ve never been to one, not as such. I saw a live performance when I was a kid by some singer that committed suicide a few years after. 62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? No. But I could probably be vegetarian if I needed to be?63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? I wanted to be a vet.64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? Not as such, but I’ve had friendships turn so toxic that I’ve had to end them.70: Can I sing? I’ve been told I can so I guess, yes. I don’t feel I’m very good though.71: Something I wish I could do? fucking anything, lol73: Have I ever skipped school? Yes. Once I went out and smoked weed with a couple friends and went back into the school, where I then held onto a sink and had an existential crisis because it wasn’t weed, it was fucking skunk!!77: What is my current desktop picture? A picture of Rey on a speeder, half naked78: Early bird or night owl? Night owl for sure79: Sunsets or sunrise? sunset80: Can I drive? Yes81: Story behind my last kiss? I was leaving for my train home, it was a goodbye kiss.82: Earphones or headphones? Headphones84: Story behind one of my scars? I have a chickenpox scar in the middle of my forehead. And one on my left middle knuckle from trying to punch someone and hitting the wall because they moved.88: What makes me really angry? People who have lots of money asking me why I can’t just, like, buy the things I want??89: Kindle or real book? Real books, I detest kindles.90: Favourite sporty activity? If walking doesn’t count, swimming or climbing. I can’t do much of either these days because CFS92: What was my favourite subject at school? Geology. I’m a dirty rock lover94: What was the last thing I bought? A case for my new phone, because my other one got broken, oops96: Can I cook? If I follow a recipe exactly I’m great, but if I don’t... It’s pretty disastrous.97: Can I bake? Same rules as cooking.103: Sexual orientation? This is a question that perplexes me too! I have figured out that I’m gay mostly because I am unable to trust men enough to even form true friendships with them without doubting their motives. They always want sex from me, most have gone to ridiculous lengths to get it from me, and when I refuse? They force their attentions on me. 106: Last time I cried? Last week. I had a breakdown when the above finally occurred to me during therapy, among other similarly unpleasant revelations107: Guilty pleasure? ???113: Favourite accents? I dunno, I like lots of different ones.114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? Maine!117: Am I religious? Yes, I am. I consider myself pagan but I’m not sure what subset I fall into.119: Do I like the deep ocean? I suppose so, It’s interesting! There are lots of strange little creatures down there that could be my friends.121: Am I allergic to anything? No, not that I know of.122: Can I curl my tongue? Yes123: Can I wiggle my ears? No126: My current project? Your birthday gift. After that I plan to start a Star Wars tarot deck.128: Do I admit when I wrong? Yes, I try to. Sometimes I’m so stubborn that I don’t realise I’m in the wrong but the moment I do I try and apologise129: Forest or beach? I love both very much. I couldn’t choose one. 130: Favourite piece of advice? ‘Stay afraid but do it anyway’131: Am I a good liar? When it suits me. Acting like a bad liar makes it all the more convincing when you need to do it for real.133: Do I talk to myself? Literally all the time, I basically respond to my own thoughts by talking.135: Do I like gossip? I despise it136: Do I keep a journal/diary? I keep several: One for mind stuff/events/feelings, one for dreams, one for sexual fantasies, one for magical information, one for ideas, and one for general information. I also keep notes on my calendar. Whenever I go on a trip I keep a journal specifically for that and save all my ticket stubs and leaflets and photographs.137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? I must have at some point but I can’t say I remember.138: Do I believe in second chances? I’m a bad for giving people extra chances when I really shouldn’t.139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? Take the money and then put it in a lost and found.140: Do I believe people are capable of change? I suppose so. At their very core, perhaps not.141: Have I ever been underweight? Yes. Quite severely - about 90lbs146: Have I ever been overweight? Never. I’ve been more muscular but that doesn’t really count. I had an extra 20lbs of muscle a few years ago.147: Do I have any piercings? I have my ears, a labret, and the left side of my nose. I had my nipples pierced for about a year149: Do I have any tattoos? Three right now, soon to be four. runes on either wrist, and script that reads ‘destiny rules’ on my left shoulder150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? To not go to college. I would certainly have killed myself by now if I had151: Do I believe in Karma? yes 152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? glasses, contacts in this house would be a very bad idea because of all the dust and fluff155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? The friend that recommended Brave New World. I’m quite intelligent but he makes me feel very, very stupid.158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? Yes, many times159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? Brains, obviously. I’ve known some very beautiful people that are just horrible.160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? No single colour, actually. I have a lot of white, blue, purple/burgundy, and black. Also earthy, light tan colours.161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? I’ve had too many to list!162: What do I hate most about myself? That I’m so jealous. Especially of people with more money than me, I think about that almost every day and it makes me boil with rage.163: What do I love most about myself? That’s a very hard question to answer without seeming narcissistic. I guess I like that I’m a loyal friend, willing to deal with a whooooole lot.165: Do I believe in fate? Of course, or I wouldn’t have that destiny rules tattoo would I166: Favourite animal? Hard to say. I like snakes, spiders, dogs, cats and all sorts170: One of my favourite quotes? Just one? Awwww. ‘We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.’ - H.P Lovecraft171: Do I hold grudges? No, I don’t. Or else I would become the very thing I fear.172: Do I trust easily? No, not at all! It takes a long time for me to trust a person, if I ever do174: Best gift I’ve ever received? Hard to say. In terms of sentimental value, these: your japor snippet, Noodle and Leia, the velvet dress, Agnetha, my tattoos, the Kylo bear... those are all I can think of right now. In terms of usefulness, these: my previous phone, drawing tablet, TV, leather coat and trousers, that sort of thing.175: Do I dream? Yes, often.176: Have I ever had a night terror? Many times thought it happened more when I was a child.177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? I remember them vividly when I do, and I remember one where I missed a train. The station was underground and all steel, grey and sterile. Someone told me to run through a tunnel that reminded me of the book tunnels in Apocrypha, in that it stretched out in front of me as I ran through and in the gaps was Holly, riding a unicorn. It was very odd.179: If I were immortal, what would I do? If it meant I didn’t have to eat anymore then great! I could do anything I wanted.180: Do I like shopping? I would, if I actually had money. 181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? Murder182: What does “family” mean to me? People that love you unconditionally and are there for you when you need them185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? Sex, because then I would be able to do what I love and be boss at it186: What is my greatest failure? Boy, let me count the ways187: What is my greatest achievement? I don’t actually know. I can’t say I’ve achieved anything of note. I’ve done some cool stuff, but are they achievements? Probably not.188: Love or money? Love of money is the root of all sin, but money cannot buy love189: Love or career? Love, I couldn’t give a shit about careers194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? See you next time195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? I have done. Some, I would never choose to meet but the others I don’t mind196: A movie that scared me as a child? The Ring, thanks to that shit I have a psychological complex about onryo197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? Being spanked201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? Always the onryo, I remember every nightmare I have about them very vividly203: Do I judge a book by its cover? everybody does to some extent, right? it has to catch your eye in the first place204: Have I ever had my heart broken? I’d say so, yes. I am recovering.205: Do I like my handwriting? I guess so. It changes a lot, I never think about it206: Sweet or savoury? savoury208: Do I collect anything? I collect lots of things; bottle caps, coins, vhs tapes, etc etc209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? My japor snippet and my siberian blue quartz pendant. And my various piercings. I’ve had the same earrings in for about 3 years now. 211: How do I handle anger? badly212: Was I named after anyone? Inanna, the Sumerian goddess of love, fertility, sex, and war.213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? Yeah...214: What TV character am I most like? Probably a strange mix of Andy and April from Parks and Rec215: What is the weirdest talent I have? I don’t have one, now that I think about it. I have hyperextended elbows216: Favourite fictional character? Tough one, tough one. Right now it has to be Kylo. But the most enduring would have to be Padme. I have a sticker of her on my bedroom door that I put there in 2000.