#I should reaaaaally be studying | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zodiakuroo · 4 years ago

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Pretty Things Don’t Need To Think

Kuroo decides he's had enough of his smart, independent girlfriend. He wants her to be his good little housewife instead.

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsurou x Fem!Reader

Contains: 18+ oh boy... dubcon, big dick kuroo, dumbifciation, misogyny, manhandling, oral sex (deepthroating), pee in vee sex, degradation, manipulation, pwp, breath play, mouth spitting, creampie, thigh riding, slapping, spit, porn watching, crybaby reader but kuroo is a meanie so :3

Word count: 4.6k

Notes: my first time writing smut n it’s mindlessly self-indulgent i just had this weirdly specific fantasy that i need to get out byeee

Kuroo loved the fact that you were smart. He loved the fact that you could debate and argue with him for hours on the most obscure topics. He love that you were always interested in his nerdy rambles and he found it adorable that you would sometimes go off on your own nerdy rambles. When he met you, he was so used to fucking brainless bimbos that he was surprised to find a girl that he both wanted to sleep with and have a conversation with. Your intellect was one of the many reasons he wanted to pursue a relationship with you beyond sex. One of the many reasons why he planned on marrying you.

Kuroo also loathed the fact that you were smart. Not loathed exactly. He just hated your stupid fucking degree. He hated the fact that it demanded so much of your time and energy that you sometimes had to put your studies before him. You wanted to be doctor, always wanted to apparently. You wanted it so bad he felt a little ashamed for how much it annoyed him.

But he didn’t understand it. You were going to be the wife of Kuroo Tetsurou, President of the Japan Volleyball Association. Is that not enough of an achievement?

You didn’t seem to think so.

Now Kuroo’s not a misogynist by any means. If he were, he wouldn’t even let you get this stupid degree. He doesn’t want you to be some mindless Stepford Wife who only cooks and cleans and says “Yes, dear” “No, dear.” Of course he believes in equal rights and all that bullshit but he just doesn’t see any reason for you to work. Financially, there’s no need. More importantly, as his wife you would be too busy taking care of him, his home and his children for you to even thinking about having a job. He would let you get this degree purely for you to soothe your own ego, so you could feel like you’ve accomplished something.

And this is the fucking thanks he gets.

Coming home every day to see you hunched over the dining room table, 4 different textbooks open, papers scattered everywhere. He works hard every day to make a comfortable life for the two of you but asking to come home to a clean apartment and dinner on the stove is too much to ask apparently.

You don’t even register that he’s in the room until he places two large warm hands on your shoulders, causing you to jump, quickly soothed with a kiss to the top of your head.

“Hi baby” he mutters against your scalp, gently massaging your shoulders.

“Hmm. Hi Tetsurou.” you turn your head to look at him, eyes bloodshot and bleary from staring at your computer all day. “How was your day?”

“Same old.” He places a chaste kiss on your lips. “How’s it going here? Are we winning?” He glances at your notes, Intercranial mass lesions. Subarachnoid Haemorrhage. Spontaneous Intracerebral Haemorrhage. He wonders why you do this to yourself. Pretty things like you shouldn’t have to think.

You groan. “Not at all. This neuro final is gonna kick my ass.”

He chuckles, hands gently massaging your shoulders. “You say that every time and every time you ace it baby.” Instead of asking you where his dinner is, he asks “Have you eaten today? What do you want for dinner?”

“ I’m not hungry Tetsu. You can order whatever you like.” He clenches his jaw in irritation. You can’t even be bothered to give him your full attention for 10 minutes? The man who works so hard so that you can afford to sit at home and study the whole day?

No.

He’ll get your attention one way or another.

“Angel,” he drops his voice an octave or two, leaning down so his mouth is pressed right against the shell of your ear. “How about you take a break yeah? Wanna help you relax.” He starts to kiss your neck. He hears your breath hitch. He’s got you. “You worked so hard today plus I reaaaaally miss you.”

With that he begins to leave wet kisses on your neck, feeling you melt into him. His hands move away from your shoulders, gently groping at your chest.

You suddenly go rigid. “Tetsu, not right now.” He doesn’t want you to know how pissed he is but he can’t help it, he groans in frustration. “I’m sorry,” you mutter weakly “I really need to get through these last 3 chapters.”

“Yeah right. Got it.” He storms off with a huff. He’s furious. Your little studious shtick has been nothing more than an irritation for him. But this is too far. He hasn’t come in a month, since you started prep for finals. You’ve been too busy to take care of him. You suggested porn and he laughed in your face. Why would he jerk off when you have a perfectly good pussy? Don’t be ridiculous.

“Tetsurou don’t be mad please.”

“Not mad baby. Keep studying. That’s important to you right?” He’s not convincing anyone but you don’t have the time or energy to engage.

You let out a heavy sigh before turning back to your laptop, falling back into studying like the whole interaction never happened. It made him even angrier. How you couldn’t care less about him right now.

“Just gonna watch some TV. That okay with you, love?” He says sounding sickly sweet, almost sarcastic. If you notice, you don’t make any mention of it.

“Mmhm. Just keep it down please.” You don’t even bother to fucking look at him.

You don’t wanna pay attention to him? You want him to just jerk off? Fine then, have it your way. Kuroo throws himself down on the couch as he rips off his tie with a little more force than necessary.

This is petty.

He makes quick work of the buttons of his dress shirt.

This is childish.

He quickly unbuckles his belt and pulls his slacks down just far enough to take his soft dick out of his boxers.

This is your fault.

You pushed him to do this.

He takes his phone and uses his internet browser to take him to the first porn site he can think of. He doesn’t really care about the kind of video so “Busty blonde slut gets destroyed” seems like a good a choice as any. He clicks on the video and sets up his phone to mirror on the TV screen. With the volume about as loud as it can go, he presses play.

The loud exaggerated moans and gagging startle you. Your head shoots up and you see your boyfriend, lidded gaze fixed on the flat screen TV in front of him. He’s panting, letting out little moans. You crane your neck to see what he’s watching and you see on the TV a bleach blonde girl with massive tits being an absolute trooper as she gets facefucked relentlessly.

“Kuroo, what the fuck?” God he hates when you call him by his last name mostly because you only do that when you’re really annoyed at him.

“Hm? What is it baby?” Now it’s his turn to not even glance in your direction. He’s too focused on the way the girl on screen’s throat is bulging as the man thrusts into her mouth. Maybe he should watch porn more often.

“What are you doing?” He can hear the irritation building in your voice. He hears the chair scrape along the hardwood floor as you stand up to get a better look at him. He knows you can see exactly what he’s doing now.

He smirks, turning to look at you for just a split second before his attention is back to being on screen. “Watching ah fuck watching TV”. He starts to stroke himself faster now, knowing you’re watching him. He’s a little embarrassed by how turned on he is. Cock already rock hard, his tip bright red and shiny from leaking so much pre-cum.

“Do you have to do… that… here? I can’t concentrate.” You clench your fists and your sides.

Oh you’re pissed. But this isn’t exactly the reaction he wants from. He’ll make it work though.

“Not my problem babe. Shit.” He takes his free hand down to play with his swollen balls and god, if he weren’t so determined to dump this load inside you he might have come right then and there.

“Kuroo!” You shout. He’s still not looking at you. How could he when the girl on the screen is getting absolutely railed. He only hears the sound of your barefeet on the hardwood floor as you storm over to the couch. He’s not sure what your plan was when you decided to come over here, but it doesn’t even matter anymore because the second you’re close enough he yanks you by your wrist and forces you into his lap.

“Tetsu!” You thrash and struggle in his hold but it’s no use. He’s bigger and stronger than you.

He wraps his arm around your neck, pulling you into a chokehold. “Oh I’m Tetsu now?” he laughs bitterly

“Let me go! Please!” You still haven’t given up getting out of this, tears threatening to spill from your eyes.

“Shut up. I want you to watch this.” He’s forcing you to look at the screen now. “Look at that yeah? Look at how she’s taking that big cock.”

A hard palm strikes you across your cheek. “Stop squirming and watch.”

The blonde woman is bent over a coffee table while the man behind her rams his dick into her without abandon. Kuroo can’t decide if he finds her whining hot or annoying.

“Looks like it feels good huh babe?” His head is buried in the crook of your neck. “Wanna make you feel good like that.” He places a quick kiss to your temple before pulling your t-shirt over your head, your bare chest now exposed to the cool air.

“Tetsu please.”

“Please what baby?”

Please let me go.

But the way he’s hands are gripping at your breasts, pulling and twisting your nipples, you can’t form any words. Only whimpers.

“Please make you feel good? That what you want baby?” He whispers as he slots his thigh between your legs.

“Yeah yeah please Tetsu.”

Kuroo has turned his focus onto your neck. Harsh sucks, leaving bruises and bite marks in his wake. He wants to laugh at how pathetic you are. Just a few minutes ago, you were adamant on ignoring his presence and now you’re writhing in his lap begging you to touch him.

“Really? I thought you needed to study.”

“No no no Tetsu, only need you.” Just a quickie. You’re both pent up. 10… 15 minutes tops. Then you’ll go back to studying. That’s what you tell yourself.

“That’s right baby.” He grips your hips and grinds you down on to his thigh. “I know exactly what you need.” You take your cue from him and begin riding his thigh, neurology notes long forgotten as he goes back to assaulting your neck. The combination of the sensation of your clothed clit rubbing against his thigh and visual stimulation of the explicit content on your TV makes you dizzy with pleasure.

Your movements become frantic. You’re practically humping his leg at this point. He knows you’re close which is why he wraps one arm around your torso, pulling you back into his chest.

“Baby please.” You whine. Oh, you’re really crying now.

“Oh angel, you were gonna come just from that? Just from humping my thigh and watching some other bitch get eaten out? My angel must be so pent up huh?”

You can’t do anything except whimper and nod.

“Mmhm yeah my baby has been working too hard. Thinking too much. You’re too cute for that you know baby.”

You keep nodding, no idea what you’re actually agreeing to, too busy keening at the praise. You keep trying to move your hips but he just tightens his hold.

“It’s okay though baby I know how to take care of you. Your man knows how to turn off that little brain of yours.”

His hand slides into you shorts, fingers pressing on to your clit over the top of your soaked panties. The moan you let out might rival the porn star on screen, who now by the way, is riding the face of her co-star while she sucks his cock.

He slips his other hand into your panties and starts rubbing quick “Yeah that’s it. Feel good babe?” You melt into his chest. “Yes Tetsu! So good!”

Kuroo pushes his long middle finger into your dripping hole. So tight and warm, he has to bite back a moan of his own. A few slow pumps, before he lets his index finger enter you as well. He’s done going slow now, he starts fucking you with his fingers, thumb brushing over your clit every now and then.

You were so close before, it takes almost no effort on Kuroo’s part to get you there again. You throw your head back on to his shoulder, muscles tensing in anticipation of your impending release. “Tets- gonna cum, gonna cu-“ The second you feel the waves of your orgasm crash on to you, Kuroo has his hands off you entirely, reaching for the remote and turning off the explicit movie.

Ruined. He ruined your orgasm.

You open your eyes and you see Kuroo looking every bit the smug bastard and your own teary eyed reflection in the black screen. “Tetsurou… Why? Why would you-“ You can’t even get the sentence out before he delivers a harsh smack to your clit.

“You think you deserve to come?” A large hand wraps tight around your throat as he lets out a humourless laugh. “You’re stupider than I thought.”

“No Tetsu ‘m not stupid” You manage to rasp out but that just makes him squeeze even tighter.

“What was that? I thought I heard a stupid bitch say something.”

You claw at his had trying to get air into your lungs but Kuroo doesn’t budge.

“Please! Sorry! Please!” is all you can manage to get out. Just as you start to see spots, Kuroo lets go.

Airways burning, you sputter out a “thank you” but your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care. “You’re sorry? Show me how fucking sorry you are.” He’s shoves you on to the floor unceremoniously.

While Kuroo removes his slacks and boxers, you try to compose yourself. You know what’s coming but first you need to stop coughing and stop crying. After a minute of deep breathing, you open your eyes and find yourself face to face with Kuroo’s monster cock.

And you’re not exaggerating. The thing is terrifying. Long and girthy, the biggest you’ve ever seen. He’s unbelievably hard with bulging veins, the tip almost purple with arousal. You’re mesmerised by it.

Perhaps the only thing scarier than his dick right now is the man attached to it. He’s staring down at you with so much condescension, small smirk playing on his lips. He wraps his hand around his thick base. “You good princess? Get to it.” He tuts.

You place one of your hands on his throbbing member as you tentatively stick out your tongue to lick at his tip where pre-cum is dribbling out. You slowly start to stroke him up and down as you swirl your tongue around the head. Kuroo is being kind, letting you go slow. If you think he’s doing this for your benefit, you’re mistaken. He wants to take his time with this. More importantly, he’s got about a month’s worth of cum stored up in his balls and he wants to make sure that every single drop goes inside your little cunt.

You take what you can fit (just less than half) into your mouth, lips stretched wide around his dick, the head is poking at the back of your throat while your hands work the rest of his shaft. You look up at him with wide, apologetic eyes. He can tell by the way you’re looking at him you want him to know how sorry you are.

It’s cute.

He grabs you by your hair and pulls you off of him. ”Aw baby, that’s it? I thought you were sorry.”

A mixture of saliva and pre-cum dribbles down your chin. “Tetsu I am sorry. I’m so sorry!” You whimper.

“Yeah?” Kuroo whispers. His grip on your hair tightens as he tilts your head up to look at him. You stare up at your boyfriend, as he bends down to kiss you. Again, it’s surprisingly gentle but is quickly contrasted with the way he uses the other hand to grab your face, squeezing harshly to make you pucker your lips and keep your mouth open.

He smiles down at you, almost lovingly before he puckers his lips as well, letting a fat glob of spit drop from his mouth into yours.

It’s gross. It’s degrading. It’s cruel.

And that’s why you swallow it down almost immediately, without being asked.

“Good girl” He whispers and gives you a kiss on the nose as a reward. The simple praise shoots straight to your pussy and now you’re greedy for more.

Kuroo leans back and assumes his previous position but this time flexing his elbows and putting his hands behind his head. He’s still wearing his dress shirt, unbuttoned so you can admire his delicious torso. Toned and tanned with the trail of dark hair running all the way to his groin. He looks completely relaxed with his eyes closed and for a moment you find yourself enamored by how stunning he is. How stunning your man is. You want to please him now more than ever. You want him to call you his good girl again. You steady yourself on your knees and prepare for the task at hand

You start off with a few shallow bobs on his cock. Then you take a deep breath through your nose before taking as much of him in your throat as you can. “Holy shit.” He breathes out. His hips thrust up reflexively while you try to suppress your own reflex, trying to keep him has deep as possible for as long as possible. You’ve had lots of practice deepthroating your boyfriend’s dick but somehow it hasn’t gotten any easier.

You pull off of him but not completely, just enough to open up your airway to let much needed air into your burning lungs. You twist your hands around the exposed part of him. You look up at him and he’s giving you that fond smile again and it makes your heart swell in your chest. It’s all the motivation you need to take him back into your throat. Again you take him as far as you can but there’s still a good inch or so that you can’t take no matter how hard you try.

“Aw baby you need some help?” Kuroo coos from above you. You look up at him with big watery eyes and nod as best you can with his dick lodged in your oesophagus. He lets out a hum. “Anything for my baby.” He places one of his large hands on the back of your head and pushes you down until your nose meets his pelvis.

Your throat muscles are spasming around the impossibly large, impossibly deep intrusion but Kuroo keeps you there, seemingly reveling in your gags. Your drool dribbles from your lips, down his balls on to the black leather of the couch. You try breathing through your nose but you struggle. However, your discomfort is completely eclipsed by Kuroo’s moans and grunts. If it makes him feel good you’ll keep him in there as long as he wants. You’ll let him thrust into your mouth until he comes if he so choses.

Lucky for you, that’s not what he wants tonight.

You pulls you off his dick by once again but slowly this time. He watches the string of drool that connects your lips and drags you away until it snaps. He take his heavy shaft and slaps it against your right cheek. You let out a gasp and a smirk starts to play on his lips. Before you know it he’s smacking and dragging his cock all over your face, covering you in a mixture of your saliva and his pre-cum. “God damn. Prettiest fuckin’ girl in the world right here on her knees for me.” He says as he leans back to admire his handiwork. “Open” he says. You obey without hesitation and he spits in your mouth again.

You swallow eagerly. “Thank you Tetsuro.” Your throat feels raw but you smile at him, absolutely giddy, nonetheless.

“Get up here, pretty girl.” Kuroo helps you to your feet and shimmy out of your bottoms before guiding you on to his lap so you’re straddling him. Immediately two of his fingers are inside you again, your slick cunt offering no resistance whatsoever. “You know angel, I’m still not sure how sorry you actually are.” He’s scissoring his fingers, stretching out your walls. If he were a different man, he’d thrust into you right now without any prep but he sees how fucked out you already are, there’s no need to punish you any further. His fingers move at a tortuous pace, squelching as he thrusts them in and out of you.

You’re panting. “Anything, I’ll do anything.”

The slow drag of his fingers grazing that spot inside you as he pulls out makes your eyes flutter shut. When you open them again, Kuroo is holding the same fingers in front of your face. Your boyfriend keeps is hazel eyes locked on yours as he sticks out his tongue to lick up the arousal soaking his digits.

“Hmm ‘course you will.” He slaps his fat cockhead on your sensitive clit making you squeal.

He drags his tip from your clit to your dripping slit over and over again getting it nice and wet.

You chant “Tetsu please” like some twisted prayer. You desperately want to make up for your earlier ruined orgasm.

“Wanna see you bounce on my cock, angel.”

You oblige him wordlessly, taking hold of his shaft and lining in him up with your entrance. You slowly lower yourself on to him wincing at the way he stretches you out. The prep was minimal and his fingers are no match for the size of his cock. You have to stop to breathe and blink away tears. You lift up your hips and lower yourself down slowly again, taking a little more of him inside you. You repeat the process a couple more times.

As much as watching your struggle to take his cock strokes his ego, Kuroo is growing bored. It’s time to take matters into his own hands.

Kuroo grips your hips and takes you by surprise as he thrusts up into you, making you take the whole thing. You let out a shrill cry as the tip of his cock nudges at your cervix. A heavy smack lands on your ass. “I said bounce angel.”

“So big Tetsu fuck. So big.” You whine as he pulls you up, before he sheaths his dick fully inside you, making you shriek for a second time.

God you could be such a crybaby sometimes. You were starting to piss him off again. He pulls out of you completely and says “Turn around.”

“Tetsu no please! Wanna see you.” You pout, your eyes welling up with tears.

Another smack. This time across your face. You reach up to touch the sore skin on your cheek, it feels hot. “Don’t talk back to me you stupid slut.”

You whimper but obey his command. You don’t want Kuroo to be angry at you.

“Now sit on it.” He spanks you another time before gripping your ass and guiding his cock into you until your ass meets his groin.

Playtime is over.

Kuroo slips his hands under your thighs, grabbing the back of your knees and folding your body in half. Now he’s really fucking you. His thrusts are rough, cock knocking against your cervix repeatedly as he sinks himself into your sopping cunt over and over again. The sound of his balls slapping against your ass and the squelching of your dripping pussy make for the lewdest symphony you’ve ever heard.

“Tetsurou ‘m close. Please” you cry. The way his dick is rubbing against your sweet spot means you won’t last long.

“No.”

Despite his denial, he doesn’t ease up on his thrusts. You’re trying to concentrate on holding back your orgasm but honestly you can’t concentrate on anything except Kuroo pistoning his fat cock in and out of you.

“Look at you.” You see your reflection in the black TV screen. “You see that?” He gives one particularly hard thrust to emphasise his point. “Fucked stupid huh?”

“Yeah Tetsu Yeah.” It’s no mirror but you can see all that you need to. You see your boyfriend using your body like a fleshlight, thrusting up into you at a relentless pace. You see your cunt split open on his cock. You see yourself being completely and utterly owned by him.

“My girl is such a fucking whore huh? My own personal porn star.”

“Need to cum nnggh let me cum please.” You’re teetering so close to the edge and Kuroo’s filthy mouth is not helping your situation in the slightest.

“Why should I let you cum hm? You’re so good when you’re desperate. Think I should keep you like this.”

“Please Tetsu. Please. Wanna be good! Wanna be your good girl Testu! Wanna take care of you! Please.”

He likes the way that sounds.

His good girl. His wife. His. His. His.

“Cum for me angel. Cum. Right now.” He says, lips pressed against your ear.

He doesn’t need to tell you twice. With the way he’s pounding his dick into your tight little pussy you have no choice but to spiral into orgasm. Your pussy spasms around his cock, pulling him deeper inside you. The hot coil in your tummy that’s been building unravels and the bliss hits you so hard you see starts. Kuroo keeps fucking up into you as you cream around him. As you come down, you go limp in his arms. That doesn’t stop him from using you though.

His grip around your thighs tightens and that’s how you know he’s getting close. “You gonna be a good girl for me? You gonna take this fat fucking load? Yeah? Take all of it deep in your cunt?” He growls right into your ear.

“Tetsu gimme pleasepleaseplease” You beg him as you cry from overstimulation, barely able to form the words.

“Take it. Take it. Fuck!” He growls as he shoots his load right into your tight, gooey pussy. You feel his hot cum fill up your womb and the sensation is so overwhelming it makes you go cross-eyed, tongue lolling out of your mouth. He grunts, still rutting into you through his orgasm. When he’s done he pulls out of you, smiling as he watches his cum leak out of your spent hole.

Kuroo loves the fact that you’re smart. But when you’re like this? Absolutely cum drunk, eyes glazed, body covered in bruises and willing to do anything he asks you to? He fucking adores you like this.

“Go take care of dinner princess, then your man is gonna take care of you some more.” He swats you on your ass.

You giggle and let your wobbly legs carry you to the kitchen with your boyfriend’s cum running down between your thighs, thoughts of your upcoming final completely fucked out of your head.

Along with every other thought not revolving around your future husband.

Kuroo reaches for his phone to text his assistant and tell her to cancel all his meetings for tomorrow. He has to go ring shopping.

#haikyū!!#haikyuu!!#hq x you #haikyu x reader #kuroo x you #kuroo imagine #kuroo smut #kuroo tetsuro x reader #hq smut #dark fic #tw dubcon #tw dumbification #tw breath play #tw manipulation #tw manhandling #tw degradation #tw slapping #tw spitting

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andromedomaii · 4 years ago

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tagged by @draconicmaw!!! thank you for tagging me and sorry for the late response :PP

Name: (given name) Ezgi but it translates into Melody in English so sometimes i go for that too

Gender: she/her

Sexuality: But it ain’t no lie baby bi-bi-bi uwu

Hogwarts House: I’m reaaaaally unwilling to talk about Hogwarts Houses because i feel like the concept is overused and way too overrated (and also because of the recent trash jkr has been spouting smh) but it’s Ravenclaw

Favorite Animal: Foxes. I absolutely adore how mischievous they are

Current time: 2:58 AM (lol i should go to sleep smh)

Cats or Dogs: Mostly dogs but I’ll say baby kittens and big doggos lol

Dream Job: I’m studying computer science and engineering right now and one day I would like to work for a game company, so being able to produce video games like the ones i love to play is most definitely a dream come true. But if I have to answer more accurately, my absolute true dream job is becoming an archaeologist. I’m planning to take action about making it happen after I finish my degree so I hope this one also won’t be just a dream one day in the future :PP

When I made this blog: This blog isn’t my main blog, I only made it to make posts about my fics from ao3 but the sole purpose of my main blog was to have more fandom content and reblog shitposts lol

Reason for URL: Even though I don’t necessarily like the myth itself, I really like the name Andromeda. It either means “to be mindful/calculating of men(kind)” or “to rule over men(kind)” and I vibe with both interpretations lol I also absolutely adore the fact that its the name of both a constellation and a galaxy, so I’d say that for me, the value of the name comes from its presence in the space-y context. And apparently, ‘andros’ and ‘medomai’ are a pair of the possible raw versions of Andromeda’s etymological roots so... voila

Tagging: I really have nobody to tag so I’m just leaving leaving this one unanswered, sorry :PP

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lowlybitch · 4 years ago

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I aspire to open a LGBT+ cafe and I was actually looking into other cafes because while I have many ideas, most aren’t the most practical and it’s so upsetting how few there are. Literally 5 minutes after posting my 3 paragraphs worth of ideas on my private status, I had three volunteers.

Why aren’t there more pride cafes????

Also here are some random ideas I feel the world should know.

- Having either daily or weekly themes

- Free flower crown for every new customer

- Pamphlets on things like using makeup, using binders, surgery and other things like that

- A notice board with dates for pride parades, places that aren’t lgbt friendly and should be avoided,

- Customers get to choose a theme for Sunday

- There’s a small library in a corner

- The staff are friendly and will happily talk to you if you want to

- There are bracelets for pronouns (eg, white is they/them, orange is she/her, purple is he/him, blue is all) that can both be taken home for future use, or returned. Taking multiple is also encouraged if necessary.

- June is mayhem because there’s gonna be therapists for people to talk to, flags given with every drink, prizes to be won (egthe most rainbow outfit gets 70% off drinks for a month)and overall the kind of chaotic where it’s well chaotic but also in that nice way.

- Every Saturday is a quiet day where (even in June) it’s kept quiet so people can read and study and also if people just want to sit in some quiet while drinking whatever weird drinks me and my band of queers come up with

- It is entirely ok to splash (warm/room temperature - I don’t intend in hurting someone long term unless they do something reaaaaally bad) drinks on people being transphobic / homophobic / being overall jerks because of your identity

I am still working on that list an am very open to suggestions

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amorsurtido · 4 years ago

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My 2021 aspirations (1-6 are my own photos rest ive stolen from pinterest ....lol)... im not sure if i got this right but ... well these are things i will try to do more of in 2021 @loveinterst

1. i took it at an italian cottage i went to once. it symbolises how i want to take life more slowly. enjoy all the little moments. and make the best out of them

2. is from the same trip. i took it bc i woke up really early that day and the sky was so red and orange. it reminds me of how i love traveling. all the different perspectives of the world .. im a sap but its really beautiful

3. this is a photo from a regular mercado. i looooove cooking but i havent done it much in 2020 so i will try to get more back to it this year

4. a super blurry drunk selfie. i want that again. lol.

5. i want to read more. ridiculous books bc the most ridiculous book i read in 2020 has one of the sweetest passages ive ever read. i also want to get better at reading like study wise but yeah whatever

6. i want to go to museums, art galleries. like way more. i also want to get back to being more creative in my everyday i miss that.

7. just like i want to read more ridiculous books i also want to just be more ridiculous. just do the weird stuff with friends - being a little childish is great - we should do more of that (also i want tattoos lol)

8. this lady. idk her. but i just binged a docu abt some of my fave danish designers (like clothes wise) and they try to recycle and upcycle and break the norms and its great i love it! it inspires me to just dress how i like - even if i look like a homo-flag on acid - and use and reuse the materials i already have

9. kinda the same as 8 but i reaaaaally need to get good at sewing. and it really like - it shows the calmness and warmth i feel when i knit and create and stuff. i want more of that. (also ive fallen in love w quilting ... like .... when will i have time to do my studying idk but it will work im sure)

#really these r just moods i want more of in 2021 so we will work towards that

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 5 years ago

Text

Promise (Jungkook x You x Yoongi ONESHOT)

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

“I’m pregnant,”

“Oh fuck,”

Y/N looks at the boy in front of her with wide eyes. Did the firat word that came out from his mouth is oh fuck?

“Jungkook?”

“Are you sure?” He ran his hand through his hair multiple times, brows furrowed. “I mean.. it could be a false positive. We only did it a few times and its your first time too. How can you be pregnant?”

“Well…” Y/N held up the 10 sticks in front of him. 10 sticks of pregnancy tests that has a big fat positive sign on it. “If all 10 of this faulty, then maybe I should just sue the company. And also,” she pass him a slip of paper. “I already went to the doctors to confirm before I came to you. I needed to be sure too,”

“Y/N…” Jungkook weakly took the paper and scan its content. Yes, his girlfriend is a few weeks pregnant.

“We are going to be okay right Kookie? We love each other. And I know we are young, but we can do this right?” Y/N tried to smile, holding his hand. “I can find some work and you can do so many things. You have a bright future ahead of you. You c-”

“Thats exactly it Y/N,” Jungkook cuts her off and pull his hand back.

“W-what do you mean?” She looks at his retracted hand and back up at his face. Something is going to go very wrong, she can feel it.

“We are young. A-and I do have a bright future ahead of me…” Jungkook looks at her with sad eyes. “Y/N… remember that audition I went to?”

“Y-yeah?”

“I didnt win that but I got 7 different other offers instead and I have chosen one. I’m going to be a trainee. A trainee to become an idol!” Jungkook smile. Y/N knows this has been his long time dream. She wont stop him from going right?

Y/N looks at the smiling boy in front of her.

“You got in?!” She jumped excitedly and hugged him. “Then whats the problem? You can train and I’ll find work for a few years first until you debut. We can stay in Seoul together Kookie and start a new life!” Y/N grins. “I know you will debut and be successful one day. You are Jeon Jungkook, I believe in you Kookie,”

“Y/N…” Jungkook pushes her slowly, breaking the hug and is met with confusion from her. “I cant bring you… I… uh… I am not allowed to date until I debut and a few years after that in fact..,”

“W-what?” Y/N was shocked to the core. What is he saying? Is he breaking up with her? When shes carrying his child? “But.. what about..” she looks down and rub her still flat stomach.

“I-I dont know,” Jungkook sighed. “Honestly, I dont. But.. we will find a way, I promise okay?” Jungkook smile and hugs her, kissing her forehead. “I’ll never leave you and our baby alone. You will never ever be alone, I promise,”

/////

“Eommmmaaaaa!”

Y/N was drag out from her memories at the sound of her 5 year old daughter calling her name. She quickly wiped her tears and look at the little girl.

“Yes Jasmine, what is it baby?”

“Until when will grandma sleep in the ground? Its dirty!” She pouted. “Is she not coming home?”

“Well.. baby… grandma uh.. she went to a special place to sleep, and the ground is the way in. She likes that place so much she told me to tell you that she wont be coming back until quite some tine. Okay baby?” Y/N stroke her daughter’s hair softly.

“Okay eomma. But tell her to come back soon. I miss her,”

“I know baby. I know,” Y/N sighed and hugs Jasmine tightly, whispering, “I miss her too. More than you can ever know,”

The day Y/N told Jungkook that she was pregnant was the last day she ever saw or heard from him. He went back home that night, with a promise that everything will be alright, that she wont be alone and he will come up with a plan. But he dissapeared the same night, no texts, no calls, no messages, no one knows where and never came back. Y/N worked hard to raised her daughter up alone with the help of her single mother. Jeon Jasmine, she named her, but she can never answer when the little girl asks why her family name is different than her eomma or where her appa is. Soon, Jasmine stop asking and the three of them live happily together, the memory of Jungkook locked away. Until Y/N’s mother passed away a week ago and Jasmine keep wondering where she went.

Grandma sleeping at a special place is the best excuse she could come up with and after a week, Y/N decided that its time. She have to move on and make new memories someplace else with Jasmine.

A new job, a new place, a new life, just the two of them.

“And baby? We are going to a special place too. Not the same place Grandma went to, but another one okay. Lets go. Pick up your stuffed bunny and lets go okay?” Y/N place her on the ground and picked up the two luggage bags, fitting only the things they needed the most. New memories requires new things, right? and she take a step into a new future, hoping to forget every awful memory that ever happen in Busan.

You promise I’ll never be alone. Then what am I now Jungkook? Y/N sighed and looks down when she felt a tug at her hand and saw Jasmine smiling at her, making her heart soared. Well, Kookie, maybe you are right, I will never be alone afterall.

/////

Y/N looks up from the newspaper in her hand to the small building in front of her. This is the right adress, so this must be the place.

Hiring Coffee Girl

Y/N tapped the newspaper again, takes a deep breath and walks in. Being a coffee girl is not exactly a high paying job, but after dropping out from school to raise Jasmine, Y/N only works a few odd jobs here and there in her small hometown, which means she has no experience to apply for a high paying job in the big city of Seoul. But coffee? That she can do.

“H-hello?” Y/N nervously looks around the building. How can a supposedly entertainment company be this quiet. Yeah, its a small, unknown one, but surely they must have a handful of staff atleast? Theres not even a reception in this building. A building that doesnt even look like an office. Y/N wandered around the building, finding courage in herself to explore more. She came all this way, with what little money she have, she have to ace this interview.

Getting a little deeper into the building, she passed a few closed doors and finally hears music coming from a bright lighted room. With shaky hands and sweaty palms, she makes her way to the room and knock softly on the slightly ajar door.

“H-hello? Is anybody in here?”

No answer.

After knocking a few more times Y/N decided to push the door, only to be greeted by the bright light of the room. With blinking eyes she focuses herself and saw the room is some sort of a music room, with a grand piano located right in the middle of it. But what catches her eyes the most is the man sitting at the piano, head between his hands, slumping in frustration.

Y/N nervously take a few small steps closer and whisper.

“H-hi. Hello? S-sir?”

Still no answer.

“S-sir?” She reached out and tap the man’s shoulder, who immediately whipped his around, glaring at her, making her jump.

“What?!”

“I-I’m sorry. I didnt mean to disturb you but I-”

“Who the hell are you?!” The man turned fully at her and Y/N managed to sink in his features. He is good looking, no doubt. With short black hair, his beautiful pale skin glowing, his dark eyes shooting her death glares.

He is the most beautiful man she has ever seen.

“Are you deaf? Or u cant talk or something?” He waves his hand in front of her, making her jump again. “Heeellloooo?”

“S-sorry. I-im here to interview for the coffee girl position?” She stuttered.

“Do I look like an interviewer to you? Get out from here. This is private practice!” The man huffed and turned back around to his piano, shuffling through his music notes.

“Sorry,” Y/N quickly bows and turned to leave but stopped in her tracks when she heard a loud sigh from that same man, while loudly mumbling to himself.

“What cant I get this next note right? God damn it!” He slammed his hands on the piano keys, making a loud noise. Y/N knew she shouldnt, especially after the man just told her directly to get out but she turned around and approach him anyway.

“M-maybe I can help. M-may I? See? Your music notes?”

He looks up and glares at her.

“You? Coffee girl? What the hell do you know about music?” He scoffs.

“Maybe not as much as you Sir,” Y/N starts to get annoyed. How arrogant is this man? “But it seems like you are stuck and maybe a fresh perspective from a coffee girl can help,” she gritted her teeth, glaring back straight to his face. The man kept quiet for a moment before sighing.

“Fine, what do I have got to lose anyway,”

Y/N smile and took the papers he offered. After reading through and thinking for a moment, she smile.

“How about this? May I?” She gestured to the piano. “Sure. Go ahead,” he scooted a bit to give her space.

“I was thinking of something like this,” she starts to press the keys, making out a beautiful melody that fits the next part of the song perfectly. The man turns to her, mouth gaped open.

“H-how did you think of that? I have spent 4 days locked up in here, trying to think of the perfect continuation for that part!”

“Well,” she smiles, “sometimes a fresh perspective is all you need,”

“Are you sure you are just a coffee girl?” The man looks at her skeptically.

“Well, I am not practically hired yet, but I am hoping I would be. I reaaaaally need a job,” Y/N shrugs.

“No, I mean, you must have some sort of knowledge or maube some dumb luck or talent in music to do this so effortlessly. Who are you?”

“Well.. I do have a big interest in music. Me and my boyfriend, well, uh… my ex boyfriend,” Y/N gave a small smile at the memory of Jungkook, “use to compose songs together. I also studied music a little before I dropped out from school,”

“Do you still need a job?” The man looks at her with a serious face now.

“Yeah. I absolutely need one,”

“Then I am going to get you one,” he flashed a gummy smile and pull her hand.

“Wait, where are we going?!”

“To meet the CEO,”

“C-CEO?! Does the CEO really need to interview me for just a coffeegirl position!?” Y/N shrieked, making the man laugh.

“Of course not. We couldnt care less who will make us coffee. But I am going to make you a song writer for the company,” he grins again.

“W-what?!” Y/N felt dizzy. Is this man for real?

He just smile and continue to drag her to a room on the second floor. Suddenly he stops right before entering the room and smile, his hand shooting out to hers.

“I am going to be your colleague. We are going to spend a lot of time together since we are gonna be writing songs. I should at least know your name coffee girl,” he grins.

“I-Im Y/N. L/N Y/N,” Y/N reached out and shook his hand.

“Hi Y/N. I’m Yoongi. Min Yoongi, and it would be a pleasure to work with you,”

/////

“Working hard?”

Y/N jumped when that soft whisper hits her ears and turned around to smack the source of the voice right in the head.

“Owww!” “Serves you right Min Yoongi!” She pouted. “I told you dont sneak up on me when I am working!”

“But I brought coffee, and donuts. Is that enough to forgive me?” He gave her his famous gummy smile, holding up the tray of hot coffees and brown paperbag filled with donuts.

“Hmmm, depends,” Y/N crosses her arms and pretends to think. “Is it strawberry filled?”

“Of course it is. Dont you know by now to not underestimate Min Yoongi?”

“Then you are forgiven,” she smile and catch the bag that Yoongi threw at her. “Mmhhm delicious!”

Yoongi took a seat in front of her and smile. Writing music time is his favorite part of work. Sure, it has always been his favorite, but ever since that fateful day Y/N walks in looking for the coffeegirl position, it has gone even better.

“So, how was your band mates?”

“Oh right!” Yoongi smile. After years or training and just coped up writing music, he is finally introduced to another 6 trainees that will soon debut with him as part of the same group. Earlier today was the first time they actually officially met each other. Sure, he has seen them around the company sometimes, but never propeely introduced. “They are great. But I am the second oldest. Which means I have 5 bratty little brothes to deal with. I thought having you is punishment enough,” he laughs.

“Yahh. Who are you kidding? You love me,” Y/N giggles and continue to eat her donuts, which fillings has now dripped on her chin. Yoongi smiles at the sight of her scrunching her nose, brows furrowed trying to wipe the mess and mumble only loud enough for him to hear.

“I do. I really do love you,”

“Did you say something?” Y/N looks up at him, taking him by surprise.

“N-no. Just got some inspiration for the music. Stop eating and lets get to work you piggy,” he laughs and ruffles her hair.

“Yah, Im no piggy!” Y/N giggles. “Anyway, how long do you think PD-nim will keep with the rule that only married woman can meet and work with your group? I want to meet them too!” Y/N pouts.

“Well, a rule is a rule, and we are all devastatingly good looking you know, you might fall in love,” he laughs.

“That rule shouldnt apply to me. I have a kid!” Y/N protested. “And I am already working with you, for so many hours a day too! Whats the difference?”

“You might have a kid, but you are still single,” Yoongi rolled her eyes. Y/N had introduced Jasmine to him a month after they started working together, and just like her mother, the little girl managed to win his cold heart in a matter of seconds. “And its different with me. You knew me before I was an idol. Before I get all this cool clothes, 10 inch makeup and this swaggie dance moves. You already see me as a friend,” Yoongi smiles although deep inside he wished Y/N would say something about how he is more than a friend.

Y/N shrugs.

“Whatever. I still think the rule is stupid. I worked here but I cant see them? Stu-pid,” Y/N rolls her eyes and start to work. “But hey, atleast I get to spend time with you. And thats more than enough, right Yoongs?”

Yoongi smile at the nickname.

“Absolutely,”

/////

Y/N woke up that morning with her heart beating fast. She can feel something is happening today but she cant put her finger on what it is. Anxiously, she gets ready, take a shower, prepare breakfast for the two of them and send Jasmine off to school and make her way to the studio. Yoongi has a schedule today, so she will be working alone.

She smile at the thought.

Who knew that grumpy man she accidentally met a year ago, yes, a year ago, become one of her bestfriends and also a member of an idol group. Yoongi has debuted a year ago and to this day, she still dont know who his bandmates are or ever meet them. She always miss their show due to her busy schedule, balancing between work and taking care of Jasmine, and since the group dont have that many shows to begin with, she never get the chance to see them.

1 new message Yoongs 😊

Y/N smile and clicked open the text. She knows hes busy but he never fails to atleast wish her a good morning. Without realizing, her face etched with a huge smile. Y/N shakes her head and clears her throat as she realized what shes doing. Why am I smiling just from his name anyway?

Im taking you to lunch today. You are finally meeting my infamous bandmates. See you at 1 😘

/////

Y/N smoothed down her wrinkled shirt as she paced back and forth in front of the building, waiting for Yoongi. She dont know how to feel right now, nervous? Not exactly. Trying to impress? Not so much. But she do want to atleast look presentable in front of Yoongi’s bandmates. She has been bugging him to let her meet them for a year and now that he managed to do so, she should atleast act her best.

A few minutes later a small van with tinted window stopped in front of the building and out the first face she seens coming out fron the sliding door flashed her a big gummy smile.

“Yoongs!” She jumped and hugs him. Yoongi laugh and hugged her back.

“Wow, someone is excited to see me. I feel so touched,”

“Yah, I’m lonely. Writing songs alone is not as much fun as it sounds okay!” She pouted playfully and smack his chest.

“I know, I know and I’m sorry. To make it up to you, I am finally giving you your wish. Come meet my bandmates,” he takes her hand and leads her closer to the van. One by one they climb out fron the van, smiling, shaling her hands, telling her how they love her songs and how Yoongi talked so much about her.

“Thats Seokjin-hyung, Jimin, Namjoon, Hoseok..” Yoongi peered inside. “Wheres the maknaes?”

“They are coming out. Tae is trying to wake our sleeping beauty,” Jin explained. “Sorry, our youngest like to sleep,” he gave a small laugh.

“Its alright. You guys must be tired. Thank you for still making time to have lunch with me,” Y/N smiles. Before Jin coukd answer, Taehyung climbed out from van.

“Hes awake! I did it. Hi, I’m Taehyung,” he grins and gave his hand for a handshake. Y/N who is still starstruck by his beauty awkwardly take his hand as the “sleeping beauty” everyone talked about climbed out the car, which almost give Y/N a heart attack.

“Hi, sorry, I’m Jung-

“J-Jungkook?”

All six pairs of eyes are opened wide at whats happening in front of them. Their faces turned from Y/N’s shocked face to Jungkook’s disbelief reaction.

“Wait, do you guys know each ot-” Yoongi didnt managed to finish his question when suddenly a pretty girl ran up to the group and hugs Jungkook tight.

“Babyyy, I have waited for so long! Me and the baby is hungry!” She pouted playfully and rubbed the slight bumped on her stomach. Y/N’s mind is spinning as she tries to register what is happening in front of her. “Oh sorry, I didnt realized theres someone else,” the girl giggles and turn to Y/N, bows and sticks out a hand.

“I’m Nayla, Kookies’ fiancee. And this is our soon to be Kookie junior,” she smile and rubbed her stomach again. “And you are?”

“I-I,” Y/N’s eyes flicked over to Jungkook’s face who just look at her with a sad expression. Not sad for the situation, but more like sad for her. “I uh, I have to go,” she bows quickly and ran back inside as fast as she can, leaving everyone in confusion.

/////

“Hey.. Y/N? Are you in here?” Yoongi’s soft voice calls out to here and she sense a figure coming closer to her as she quickly wipes her eyes but to no avail. The tears just keeps on coming. Yoongi sighed and sits on the floor besides her.

“H-how do you know I’ll be here?” She whispered, making Yoongi smile.

“Because, this is your sad room. I know you come here when you had a writers’ block, or you feel like your work is not good enough or when you are feeling anything bad at all,”

“Y-you notice?”

“Of course I do. I just thought you would appreciate it if I leave you alone whenever you come in here,”

“Then why arent you leaving me alone now?”

“Because I dont know what makes you sad this time. And I want to make you feel better. But I cant do that if you wont tell me. So… can you tell me? Please?” Yoongi scooted closer and tuck a stray hair behind her ears. “Please?”

“I-,” Y/N sniffles. “J-Jungkook…”

“You know Jungkook? I know hes a maknae brat, but what could he have done to make you this upset,” Yoongi wondered out loud. “Want me to beat him up?”

Y/N lets out a small smile in between her tears.

“N-no,” she smiles and takes a deep breath. “Jungkook… he uh..” Y/N starts to cry again. “J-Jungkook.. he is… Jasmine’s father,”

“What?!”

“And Yoongi, he has a fiance and a baby on the way!” Y/N burst out crying and Yoongi immediately leap forward and engulfed her in his tight hug. “Im alone Yoongs.. I thought when I find him I wont be alone anymore. B-but.. Jasmine and me will be alone,”

No, Y/N,“ Yoongi strokes her hair softly. “I promise you Y/N. You wont ever be alone. I’ll take care of you. I promise, I’ll take care of you,”

/////

Maybe its true when people say omce you notice or know something, you will never unseen it. After that fateful lunch meet up, Y/N keep seeing Yoongi’s band mates everywhere in the company. Of course, Jeon Jungkook included. Funny how for the one year she worked there, she didnt even crossed their shadow.

Still, she tries her best to avoid them l at any costs until one day, while she went to the rehearsal room early to meet Yoongi. He usually came early to finish a verse or two before their dance rehearsal and Y/N usually meet him there for a little catch up on work and leave before the others arrive. But as she pushed open the door, Yoongi was no where in sight, but she was met with a sweaty, dancing Jungkook instead.

“Oh.. uh, hi,” Jungkook immediately turned off the music player and stops, wiping a small towel over the sweats on his face.

“Uh.. hi.. s-sorry. I was looking for Yoongi. He usually come here early..” Y/N looks down and fiddles with her fingers from the awkward tension. How can she felt awkward with the same guy who whispered words of love in her ear years ago?

“Oh. Something came up, so hyung will arrive a bit late today. You are welcone to wait,” Jungkook motioned to one of the couches.

“Uh.. thanks..” Y/N looks around, still not sure what to do. Should she just leave and text Yoongi?

“So how are you? We havent seen each other for so long,” Jungkook cuts off her thoughts, smiling at her. Y/N looks at him. How can he be so casual when the last time they saw each other is when she told him she was pregnant? And never heard from him again?

“Im good,” she smiles. “Im a song writer now. But of course you know that,” she slapped her forehead. “Obviously I write songs for your band,” she gives a small laugh. Jungkook smiles back at her.

“Yes, you are. So how is working with hyung? We are all scared to disturb him when hes writing, but you seems to be able to work well with him?”

“Yoongi is great actually. And he helped me a lot,” Y/N smile at the thought. “He works really hard. Im actually here becayse he actually always tired to fit in some writing before all of you have to rehearse your dance,”

“Ohhhh, typical hyung,” Jungkook smiles. “But Joonie hyung told me the rap line has something came up today. So they will be late. You want me to take a message?”

“Well…” Y/N thought for a moment. “Yeah, that would be great actually. Just tell him that I cant stay because I need to go school,”

“School?” Jungkook looks at her, confused. “Are you still studying?”

“Oh right no,” Y/N laughs, realizing Jungkook must be confused. “I need to go to Jasmine’s school. They are having a-”

“Jasmine?” Jungkook cocks an eyebrow and Y/N realized she never actually had a chance to introduce him to his daughter. Y/N feels her eyes starts to water and smile softly. This is the forst time Jungkook even hears his daughter’s name.

“Jasmine… well,” she spoke softly, eyes never leaving his. “Jasmine is my daughter. Well, actuallu, she is our daug-”

“Stop,” Jungkook raised his hand to stop her from finishing her sentence. Y/N looks at him with confusion. “Dont finish that sentence. I know what you are trying to say Y/N and I dont want to hear it. I dont want to know about her. At all,”

Y/N felt like her heart stopped. She knows Jungkook most probably dont love her anymore, but she had thought he would atleast feel something for his daughter? A little girl who never knew who her father was.

“Jungkook, I-”

“I know maybe you think by bringing her up I will feel regret, or maybe you can rekindle our love or something,” Jungkook sighed. “But let me tell you this now. I dont know how or what kind of funny joke the universe is trying to pull, that you somehow ended up working here of all places, but we are over. What we had are in the past and we will never be together again. We were teenagers, and I dont think I was even in love with you back then,” Jungkook runs a hand through his hair while Y/N is still dumbfounded about everything he says.

“Jung-”

“Let me finish ok?” He stops her. “I dont regret what I did. I know that makes me an asshole, but I am happy now. I love Nayla. I will do anything for her. And we have a baby on the way. And that baby is my daughter. I love my career and I have a bright future ahead of me, so please, please dont do anything that would jeapordize what I had or I swear Y/N, I’ll make you regret it. Clear?”

Y/N blinked a few times, the pain in her chest is killing her, her eyes trying hard to blink back the tears. Is this the Jungkook that she knows and love? How is he this heartless?

“C-clear,”

“Good,” without hesitation Jungkook turns and plays the song again and continue his dance, leaving Y/N standing there, frozen.

“Hey, you are early today,” Y/N turns and see Yoongi smiling at her. Without realizing, the other members are already entering the room one by one, chit chatting and placing their bags at the corner, ready to rehearse. She lifted her head to look at Jungkook, who is smiling and greeting his hyungs like their conversation never even happened.

“Yeah..” she smile weakly. “I uh just want to tell you that I dont feel well, so I’m gonna head home early today. Have a fun rehearsal,” Y/N smile, bows and quickly ran out before Yoongi can say anything.

/////

He knows. Jungkook knows that Y/N is avoiding him ever since the conversation they had in the rehearsal room. Jungkook didnt regret what he said because he meant every single word. He have a good thing going with Nayla and his career and he doesnt want a blast from the past to ruin it. But why is it he found himself cranking his neck to see if Y/N walks pass the hall? Or feeling irritated that Y/N didnt make any more effort to talk to him, or to introduce Jasmine to him? Or the feeling of extreme annoyance that Yoongi keeps on talking about her? He knows for sure that Yoongi knows about their history. Though his hyung never mentioned anything about it, but from the way Yoongi eyed him up and down or the sarcastic remarks he makes sometimes, Jungkook knows Yoongi knows exactly what happened. But what he doesnt know is, if Yoongi know about that conversation that took place a few days ago.

“Lets go Kookie,” Taehyung nudge him, snapping him out from his thoughts. Taehyung and him wanted to grab some food after the tiring rehearsal while the other hyungs decided to just go back to the dorm and sleep the say away, exhausted. They walked the short distance to their favorite snack stall near the building.

As Taehyung chatted away happily while stuffing his face full, Jungkook caught something at the opposite road in the corner of his eye.

Y/N.

He hasnt seen her for days already. Jungkook keeps on staring, blanking out everything that Taehyung is saying.

What is she doing?

Y/N turns to face him and thats when he realizes that she was talking to a little girl. Jungkook’s heart immediately beats faster at the sight fo the girl’s brown doe eyes, smiling and looking up to her mother with clear adoration.

Jasmine. His daughter.

Jungkook smiles without realizing. Sbe is so beautiful, and happy. Happy without him. Without a father. Because her father disown her. Jungkook’s smile turn to a frown. But the frown gets deeper when he saw Yoongi walks towards them and Jasmine immediately runs to his hyung and hugs him as Yoongi kneels to her height. He saw how Yoongi adjusted his daughter’s beanie and ruffle her hair. And how her tiny hands hugs Yoongi’s neck as he picks her up. How Y/N smiles warmly at the two of them. To everyone else, they look like a freaking happy family. But Jungkook knows better.

Because thats his family. And he wants it back.

/////

Ever since then, Jungkook has been following Y/N’s every step. And hes not being subtle about it either. Hes obviously watching and staying close and keeps on making snide remark about Yoongi and his closeness to her whenever they are together. At one point Y/N have had enough and drag the maknae to an empty rehearsal room.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“I dont know what you mean,” Jungkook shrugs. “Can I go now?”

“No! You know exactly what I mean. Why are you acting like a jealous freak?!” Y/N is frustrated with his behavior

“Fine!” Jungkook raised both his hands. “I dont want you close to hyung. Yoongi hyung,” Jungkook crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Why the hell not? Hes my friend. And who are you to tell me what to do?!”

“Well, for starters, I’m the father of your daughter. I dont want you to simply let my daughter close to anyone!”

“What?!” Y/N looks at him in disbelief. “You said Jasmine is not your kid remember. What? You suddenly want us back now?!” Y/N scoffs.

“N-no. I dont want that. I just…” Jungkook is loss for words.

“Then what do you want from me Jungkook? You said you dont want me to get close. You said you dont want to get to know your daughter, but you flipped out everytime Im close to Yoongi! What the hell do you want?!”

Jungkook kept quite, his chest heaving heavily from his breath, trying to control his emotions. Y/N takes a deep breath and looks at him.

“Jungkook.. I love you. I admit it. I love you. I still do. Even after years you left me and treating me like crap ever since we met again, I still love you,” Y/N confessed. “Choose me Jungkook. Marry me and lets forget the past mistakes. Be with me. Be here for me, for Jasmine. For once in her life. Marry me Jungkook,”

“I-I cant…”

“You… cant? Why? Why Jungkook? Tell me why!”

“I-I dont know! I dont know okay!But all I know is that I dont want to get married now Y/N. I am still young!” Jungkook lets out his frustration. To be honest, he really dont know how he feels.

“You are engaged to Nayla, Jungkook! Engaged to be freaking married!” Y/N screamed back.

“Nayla and me will only be married in a few years time. We never picked a date yet,” Jungkook justify.

“Then fine, okay. I’ll wait. I have waited for so many years, whats a few more.m right? Jungkook, I love you. Please,” Y/N sniffles. “Please, leave Nayla. We have a family. You, me and Jasmine. Please Jungkook, Nayla will understand. We are a family. We are meant to be together!” Y/N reached out and hold his hand. Hoping this time, he wont leave them again.

“Its not because of Nayla or anyone. Dont you get it?! Its you! I dont want to marry you!”

“W-what?” In shock, Y/N drop his hand, mouth gaping open. Jungkook finally said it. Shes the reason why. Shes the reason why Jasmine doesnr have a father. Jungkook left not because he was afraid of commutmentor anything. Its because… of her. Jungkook just doesnt want to marry her.

“Wait Y/N, thats not what I meant,” Jungkook quickly realized what he said and try to reached for her hand again but she swatted it away.

“No Jungkook. For the first time you left me, I finally understand. Its very clear now why. You dont love me. You never did. And you never will. All this years I thought if I found you, I can trt to make you fall in love with me. But how can I? How can I if you never love me in the first place?” Y/N laughs emotionlessly. “I-Im gonna go,”

“No Y/N, wai-”

“No Jungkook. Let me go. And this time I promise I will leave you alone,”

/////

“Hey…” Yoongi smiles and take sits down on the steps besides her. Y/N quickly try to wipe her flowing tears but failed. Its just too much. “I didnt mean to eavesdrop… but I passed by the rehearsal room, and I kinda heard everything. Are you… okay?”

“Why are you so nice to me Yoongs?” Y/N sniffles, letting her tears flows down. She doesnt want to keep it inside anymore. “I am sure you have better things to do than be with me and all my drama. Than entertaining a kid who is not even yours. You dont have to be nice to me just because you feel like you have to. Im okay,”

“Is that what you think Y/N? That I have to?” Yoongi gave a small laugh. Y/N nodded.

“Im a nobody. Just a small town girl who you helped to get a job. You have big things ahead ready for you Yoongs. And I am sorry I drag you into this,”

“Hey…” Yoongi cups her face to make her look at him. “You might be a small town girl who I helped. But I know for sure that even if I didnt, you will be great elsewhere. So actually, I am the one who should thank tou for picking to work with me,” he flashed his gummy smile, making Y/N smile a little. “Y/N… you might be a small town girl, but you are so much more to me,”

Y/N looks him, confusion clear in her eyes.

“You are the girl whos talent so raw, so amazing, it amazes me. You ate the girl who with just a smile, or even a yawn,” he laughs, “makes my heart beats uncontrollably. I dont know how or when it happens… actually, I do,” Yoongi smiles. “It happens from the first day you tapped my shoulder and said I should open up and listen to some fresh persepctive. My heart cant stop beating at the thought of you ever since then, my mind cant stop thinking about you ever since and I just cant bloody stop smiling at the thought of you, at the sound of your name Y/N. There.. you know everything now. So I hope you dont think that I have to take care of you. I hope you know that I want to take care of you, because the thought of you and Jasmine alone or sad or unhappy makes me want to protect you, love you and just.. make you smile again,”

“Yoongi..,” Y/N whispered his name so softly while his eyes still locks on hers. “I… but I cant-”

“Hey,” he takes her hand and rubs it softly. “I am not telling you all this so that you will forget Jungkook or choose me. Its not my intention. Im telling you all this because you need to know how you make me feel, how important you are, how loved and how I need you. You dont have to say anything,”

“Yoongi…” Y/N cleared her throat, eyes glistening with tears. “I care for you. You are what makes me so strong to be here, to start this new life after I move. To face Jungkook and Nayla everyday. But Yoongi… Jungkook is my-”

“I know,” Yoongi smiles and squeezes her hand. “Jungkook is your first love. And its not easy to forget him. I know he is your first love Y/N, and I dont mind. Because… I am going to be your last love, and I promise I will wait however long that takes,”

Y/N mouth gaped open, but nothing came out. Speechless as she stares at Yoongi’s smiling face.

“I love you Y/N,” he whispered and kisses her forehead. “And you dont have to say anything,”

/////

Jungkook is going crazy. He didnt mean to say what he said. He was just so stressed about his feelings that it just came out. He loves Nayla, and the baby. He is happy. Was happy. Everything changes when Y/N appeared again in his life and he starts to doubt everything.

The jealousy, the longing, the constant nagging from Nayla asking why hes acting different… its all just too much. And when Y/N asks him to pick her, choose her, there and then, he lost it. He was scared, he was lost and he doesnt want to do something he will regret. But apparently, he did it anyway.

Its been a few months since then, and Y/N avoided him like a plague. It doesnt help that Yoongi is helping her to avoid Jungkook too, and worse, that hyung is getting extremely close to her too, and that shameless hyung is no longer hiding his feelings for her. His whole band knows about it now, and theres nothing Jungkook can do to stop him. Jungkook needs to see Y/N, to talk to her, to explain everything. He knows what he wants now. Its very clear now. He loves Y/N. He wants to be in her life again, to be Jasmine’s father, to watch her grow up with Y/N by his side. Never again missing anything in her life. Jungkook will be damned if he lets Y/N go to Yoongi. His own band mate. His own hyung. But what if its too late? What if Y/N stops loving him in this past few months? What if he lost his chances for good. He needs to see her.

And he needs to see her now.

“Y/N, please. Just hear me out,” Jungkook pulls her hand before she could escaped. After months trying, he finally gets hold of her writing schedule and waited at the music room where she and Yoongi always work together. He made sure its the day where Y/N is alone, no hyung in sight and waited for her for hours until she showed up. She has no where no run now.

“I have nothing to say to you Jungkook,” Y/N tries to escape but failed.

“But I do. So you need to listen!” Jungkook gripped her hand. “Please?” Y/N sighed and nodded. She cant never resist thise doe eyes.

“Thankyou,” he gives her a small smile. “Y/N, first I want to say I’m sorry. Sorry for saying I dont want to marry you. Sorry for saying I dont want to get to know our daughter. And most of all… sorry for leaving you all those years ago.. when I promised you that you wouldnt be alone,” he takes a deep breath. “I regret everything I did to you. I was stupid, a brat and selfish. I know that. But I also know one thing… I know that I love you. In love with you. And I dont want to live another day without you,”

Jungkook stops and looks at her, trying to gauge her reaction, but nothing. He cant read whats shes feeling, so he decides to continue.

“Y/N… I’ll do anything. I’ll go as fast as you want or as slow as you want. If you want to get married now, lets do that. If you want to wait for 10 more years, I’ll do that too. Please Y/N, you dont have to forgive me, but please, accept me…”

“What about Nayla?” Y/N finally speaks after being quite for a while.

“Nayla..” Jungkook sighs.“Theres something you should know Y/N. That baby.. its not mine,” Y/N gasps, surprised by his confession. “You see… I have been chasing after Nayla for quite some time… but she has always been in love with this one guy, her ex boyfriend. Then one day, she came to me crying, saying shes pregnant and her boyfriend left her… she was scared, and alone.. and for the first time, she said she wanted me. I said yes. I accepted her, and accepted her baby as my own. But.. she left… the guy came back, said he wanted her back and she went back to him. Nayla is not a problem to us anymore Y/N. We can be together,” Jungkook smiles.

After a moment of silence, Y/N lets out a long laugh.

“Y-Y/N?”

“So thats why you are acting like this. Because Nayla left you? Thats it isnt it?”

“What?! No!” Jungkook panics as he realized what Y/N must be thinking about. “No Y/N. I have realized long before she left me that I love you. I want to be with you. You and Jasmine. You!” He held her hand tightly. “Please, believe me Y/N,”

“How can I Jungkook? You have done nothing but breaks my heart and hurt me…”

“I know, I know. But I promise. And this time I really promise, that I will spend the rest of our lives to prove to you that I love you. To shower you with the love that you deserve. To be the father that our daughter deserve. Y/N… I know you still love me,” he places her hand in his heart. “And I promise, you will never be alone again. I will show you how much I love you. I love you Y/N. I love you with everything I got,”

Y/N looks down and looks back up to the face that she had always, always love. The face that he always longed for. Slowly, a smile appeared on her face.

“I love you,” Jungkook smile and leans closer, to finally give her the kiss she has been waiting for so long.

/////

Yoongi immediately turns away from the door and walks out from the building. He is pretty sure Y/N wouldnt notice that he missed their session today.

He was so excited to surprise her today, bringing her favorite donuts. Y/N has been happier lately, and they have been so much closer ever since the Jungkook situation. Yoongi had thought he actually stands a chance. That Y/N has finally moved on ftom her first love. From the speeech he hears Jungkook gave her, and that smile on her face before he leans in to kiss her… well, he knows hows thats going to end.

Yoongi sat at the bench along the road alone, munching on the donuts he bought slowly. This is where he usually meets with Y/N and Jasmine, before they went off for some food or fun activities on his free day. None of that anymore. He is sure Jungkook will be doing that with her now. Yoongi sighed.

“How can someone sounds so sad while eating such delicious donuts?” Yoongi immediately turns around to the sound of the voice and see Y/N walking towards her, smiling. Ia she here to tell him about her and Jungkook. He dont need to know. “And Min Yoongi, are you eating my favorite donuts alone?!”

Yoongi try to give her a smile and pass the bag to her. Y/N smile and take a seat besides him.

“Why the long face?”

“Nothing you need to know,” Yoongi shrugs. “You look happy today,”

“Yes. Its a good day today,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I fell in love,” Y/N smiles and Yoongi felt his heart breaking.

“Well.. good for you then. I have to go. Ill see you?” He starts to stands up to leave but Y/N pulls his hand.

“Wait. Dont you want to know more?”

“Actually no,” Yoongi shakes his head and try to break free but Y/N tighten her grip and frown.

“No sit,” and Yoongi has no other choice but to follow. “I had a talk with Jungkook today,”

Yoongi kept quiet, wondering why he is putting himself through this hell.

“He told me he regrets everything he ever said, or did to me. He told me he wanted to try again. To be with me. To be with Jasmine. He said he finally realizes what he wants, that he loves me. And wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Its everything I wanted to hear Yoongi,” Y/N smile.

“Yeah? Congratulations. I am very happy for you,” Yoongi forced a smile.

“And do you know what I think about while he is saying all that?”

Yoongi shrugs.

“All I can think about is how I dont want any of that from him anymore. Instesd, all I can think about is all the days I spent with you. To spend my days with you. Laughing and having fun with Jasmine and you. The way you smile, the way you always here to listen to me, the way you care, the way you… love me…”

Yoongi feels his heart beats faster but his tounge is tied.

“And I realized… that I want to be all of that to you too. I want to be the face you remember, I want to take care of you, to listen to you, to make you smile, to make you laugh. Yoongi, do you know what I’m trying to say?”

“I-Im not sure? Maybe you can enlighten me?” Yoongi tries to keep a straight face but he cant keep his gummy smile from showing.

“Min Yoongi, I love you,” Y/N grins. “And I want to be your last love too. No, I’m gonna be your last love, and it starts now,”

/////

“I love you,” Jungkook smile and leans closer, to finally give her the kiss she has been waiting for so long.

Y/N stops him before his lips can touch hers and smile.

“Y/N? Whats wrong?”

“I dont love you anymore Jeon Jungkook. And I promised you that I’ll leave you alone remember? And unlike you, I always keeps my promises,”

#bts #bangtan boys #bangtan seonyeondan #bts fiction #bts fanfic #jeon jungkook #BTS jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook angst #jungkook fiction #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario #min yoongi #bts yoongi #bts suga #min suga #yoongi fanfic #yoongi angst

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hasty-touch · 6 years ago

Photo

Here’s what I spent all night doing!!!!!!! A map of Coerthas and Dravania, specifically with an eye to reconciling the world maps and zone maps (and 1.0 with 2.0+) in a way that emphasizes information important to me as a roleplayer, like overland routes and rivers.

Was it worth it? ... Probably not. I mean, I did want to draw my own map for Greening Coerthas purposes but I should have just drawn a messy blobmap instead of trying to do this.

Long long rambling commentary below cut:

Rather than have a continuous overworld, FFXIV splits its world up into many separate maps which players load in and out of at transitions. One of the advantages this design choice gives the map design team is that the zone maps they create for us players to run around in do not need to perfectly represent the way the geography of the world “really” is -- zone maps don’t have to fit together perfectly, don’t have to be to scale, don’t need to cover all the “flyover country” in-between points of interest, and don’t need to match up perfectly to world map art, either.

Some disadvantages of this design choice are... well... the exact same things.

My conclusion, based on my experiences playing and especially working on this map, is that the in-game zones we visit are not meant to be accurate representations of Hydaelyn, like... at all. Instead, I believe that the zones are impressionistic abstractions that represent how the Warrior of Light experiences a region. Distances are compressed, points of interest to the WoL are exaggerated, and everything that isn’t of interest -- people, places, details -- is stripped away.

I remember way back when in Heavensward someone (unfortunately I can’t remember who) pointed out that the exteriors of buildings in Foundation and the Pillars don’t correspond to the interior layouts -- window placements differ, for example. Another example that gave me a particular headache making this map is that the Coerthas River, in CCH, flows from a mountain. If you run behind this mountain, you’ll find it to be a lone peak with no way for the Coerthas River in CWH to connect to it. The river teleported.

It’s true I am complaining about this -- not only does it make reconciling the zone maps with the world maps a miserable exercise, but it’s not really to my taste. I far prefer MMO worlds where you can walk or fly over the whole world, with every place you visit embedded precisely within the world geography, every cranny explorable, each region flowing naturally into the next.

However -- I don’t think that FFXIV’s method is a bad design choice. I actually think it’s the most correct choice, for game design purposes. One is, after all, never going to be able to really represent the whole of a full-size, functional world in a game -- even games that let you wander over the whole planet must abstract to some degree, use shorthand and symbols to communicate things about the world it can’t fully represent, and prioritize what the players will seek out and interact with. So by committing 100% at the start to conveying impressions about the world, rather than having to worry about accurate representation or neat jigsawing, the FFXIV devs can focus immediately and wholly upon shaping the player’s experience and perception of the world. Carefully calibrating travel times. Placing quest and hunt mobs. Engineering vistas. No time is wasted on anything that isn’t part of the product they’re designing and selling: your experience playing the game.

Though... lately, more and more, I’ve been feeling like this is something that I don’t really like about FFXIV. It delivers an incredibly polished, carefully controlled player experience, and the devs put out an immense effort to perfect and deliver it exactly as they intend. They make, for the most part, all the right game design decisions, and FFXIV is exactly what it should be. So much so that I sometimes feel it’s... “overdesigned”, though I’m not quite sure that’s the right word. They focus so much on making the right decisions that I feel we miss out on the weirdnesses, the serendipities, the surprises of a game and world where things aren’t always optimally designed. Sometimes, I think it’s a fair trade (we can’t build our own specs, which I think is the right call, when serious players will all use the same spec anyway while novice players will fall into traps). Sometimes, I think the focus on controlling player experience leads to big mistakes (like, I suspect a lot of problems with Eureka may have come from designing it entirely around “how can we make it take exactly the amount of time we want for a player to grind this stage of the relic”). Sometimes I don’t necessarily think it leads to wrong decisions, but I mourn what could have been if they’d been a little less neat, a little more eccentric. Building a fully walkable world is not optimal game design, but I sure do long for it.

It is not possible to reconcile the zone maps with the world map. However, I am not the first person to give it a good try anyway -- and this definitely not the best job of it that has been done! I studied Linaly Hakuyoko's and this Korean-language one (sadly I couldn't find the original creator) while working on mine, as well as the basic Eorzea/Aldenard map and the region maps that were, IIRC, used as backgrounds for in-game maps in 3.x.

The region maps were clearly drawn on top of the Eorzea map, as the coastlines match pretty much perfectly. I decided to trace my map’s coastline from these maps, but some big problems with reconciling them to the in-game zone maps became immediately apparent.

Here are the region maps with the Eorzean transcribed in English, plus rivers traced from the Eorzea map laid on top:

The biggest problem, for my Coerthas-focused map, was the placement of the western highlands and the Dravanian forelands. Those three rivers that drain into the Strait of Merlthor -- the Whilom has got to be one of those, right? But it’s CWH, not the Dravanian Forelands, that is placed just north of them. These maps also don’t feature, or really have room for, the Swiftrun and Coerthas Rivers. There are also issues like the enormous north/south gap between “Foundation” and the “Pillars”, an artifact of this image being a background for a clickable zone map where those are two separate maps. In “reality”, they’d be pretty much directly stacked.

It was very important to me to include the rivers, and I wanted to connect the Coerthas in CWH to the Coerthas in CCH (something my map senpais didn’t do). I was also interested in figuring out what route we might be taking if we’re bypassing Griffin Crossing.

Here is my Attempt #1 (same as above, just a wider view with fewer settlements showing):

Here’s what I did:

Put CCH in the central bowl suggested by the mountains/contour lines in the Coerthas region map. This might be making the zone map too big (maybe it represents a much smaller part of the world, like in the Korean map above) but this choice put several landmarks in intuitive locations (Griffin Crossing is directly on a tributary of the White Maiden, etc.)

Connected the Coerthas in CWH to the Coerthas CCH and then to the White Maiden at the Yafaem Saltmoor.

Changed those world map rivers in Dravania because they didn’t make sense. I have the Whilom bifurcate, then join again, because both branches of the river are called “The Whilom River” in-game.

Adjusted the Thaliak River to better fit the in-game representation but tried to only make minimal changes.

Problems/questions/self-torture for future nights:

Orientations and distances could match 1.0 and 2.0 game maps better...

I’m not sure how/if CCL’s lakes attach to rivers. Same with Clearwater.

I basically just guessed locations for slapping down settlements in the Shroud. I’d need to go study the rivers a great deal more before being able to confidently place them. (That Korean map I linked above has some great ideas but some of it seems a little strange.)

Unlike the Coerthas region map, the Dravania region map doesn’t make intuitive sense to me. I think if I could confidently place Sohm Al everything else would fall into place, but I mostly just guessed here.

If you happen to have any criticism or suggestions, I’d be very happy to hear them! You are also welcome to use this map for your own purposes. A link would be nice for credit but also (and much more importantly) in case I make an updated, more accurate one. The Shroud section in the corner’s reaaaaally basic right now.

#ffxiv #coerthas #dravania #eorzea #hashtag Why am I so obsessed?#complaining #rp resources

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solangelover · 6 years ago

Text

Simple

A/N: I still write, I swear. This isn’t great, but I just reaaaaally needed to write and have had no time at all. Let’s call this me trying to get back into it.

Read AO3 or FF.Net or Wattpad

Architecture class was not Nico’s best subject.

The Athena cabin runs a class on the basics of architecture with some of the older campers to gain teaching experience and spread their love of architecture. Annabeth, of course, helped create the curriculum and had run the class until this past year. So, naturally, it was pretty far above Nico’s, or most people’s, head.

At least Nico didn’t feel completely lost – he joined the older Apollo kids, most of whom were his friends. And together, they formed one not-very-architecturally-inclined bunch.

“Austin, this is a DRAFTING TOOL not a drum stick!”

“It’s made of wood, it’s straight, it’s a drum stick.”

“I swear to the GODS, if I hear one more vocal run—”

“I need to practice for tonight’s bonfire!”

Needless to say, the class was a mess.

“Hey,” Nico glanced up to see his boyfriend leaning over his desk and taking in Nico’s work. “Yours looks good.”

Blue eyes met brown. “Psh, as if you can tell, Solace. You don’t know what you’re doing either.”

“Well, I see many straight lines and things on your paper. Looks very blueprint-ish to me.” He nodded very seriously, though his lips twitched with his held back smile.

Nico grinned and had a comeback on the tip of his tongue when he was interrupted. “Oh!” He turned his head to find Malcolm staring happily at Nico’s design. “That looks great, Nico!”

“Told you,” Will stuck his tongue out at Nico, who, very maturely, returned the gesture.

“Rich, come look! Nico has potential!” Malcolm eagerly waved his brother over, who had been explaining for the third time what proper measurement labeling looked like to one of the Apollo girls. He quickly walked over and looked entirely relieved that Nico had straight lines on his paper.

“I’m so glad this class isn’t a total waste of time,” he muttered quickly before going on. “That looks good! What were you going for, exactly?”

“Uh,” Nico was caught slightly off-guard and felt his cheeks flush as he fumbled for an answer. “Well, it’s like, a house? With, you know… rooms?”

The sons of Athena did not seem thrown off by Nico’s less than adequate answer. “Hm, okay, we can work with that. What kind of house? Two-bedroom? One-bathroom?”

Rich jumped in, “This is just for fun, too, so do whatever you want! Make a study room.”

“Or a gaming room!”

“Oh, or like, an exercise room or training room. I know you’re a great fighter.”

“Also, advice on your drafting: you should try to keep your lines consistent. Different weights and types mean different things.”

“And adding in dimensions would really help the visual while you plan. Obviously, it’s needed for the actual construction, too, but we’re not there yet.”

Nico felt like his ears were being bombarded. He did not expect any feedback like this, nor did he think his work was very good. It was probably just better than the others and the Athena kids could finally release their knowledge onto someone. They were still babbling on, but Nico wasn’t absorbing any of it. He started panicking when the tip of his pencil broke as he furiously attempted to jot down notes. What else was he supposed to do?

He felt the slight prick of heat behind his eyes, in addition to his already burning cheeks. His natural tear response was so quick, and he hated it. Anytime he felt even slightly overwhelmed, his eyes would water and his face would go red. It was so annoying and embarrassing. Nico couldn’t have that happen right here, in the midst of all his friends.

Luckily, his boyfriend knew him better than anyone else in the world.

Will saw the panic in Nico’s eyes the moment Malcolm and Rich started talking. He knew they were excited to finally have a successful student, but their passion was overwhelming even to a someone with as much patience as Will had. To Nico, this was way too much, way too fast. Nico’s wide eyes had the barest sheen of tears, but Will knew those eyes. He knew Nico.

“Alright, alright,” Will stepped in front of the sons of Athena, blocking their view of the design and effectively cutting off their rambling. “How about we let Nico draft the house he wants to? He was about to tell me more about his design and you ruined our bonding moment.” Will made it sound like a joke, but Nico knew Will was saving him from embarrassment.

“Ah, don’t you guys get enough ‘bonding time’?” Rich laughed as Will’s cheeks pinked slightly.

Malcolm giggled, “Don’t be jealous, Solace. We just wanted to help our only good student flourish.” He poked his head around Will and glanced at his desk. “Maybe Nico can teach you something about drawing straight lines. You know. With the tools that literally help you draw straight lines.”

Will scoffed, looking offended. “Excuse me, my design is just abstract.”

“Will, this is a technical drafting class.”

“How dare you put me in a box!”

Behind Will, Nico had calmed down enough to laugh along with them. Will whipped his head around and beamed at his boyfriend. As everyone continued chatting and joking around, Nico just gazed up at Will. He was so lucky to have him. Nico didn’t have to say anything, Will just knew what he needed. Will understood Nico’s fear, reluctance, embarrassment, everything. It wasn’t even a big thing. He didn’t take a hit for Nico, or breathe him back to life. He was just there. He cared about Nico and wanted to know everything about him. It was that simple.

The simple, small things. That’s what Nico truly loved about Will.

#Will solace #nico di angelo #so I am Nico here #this happened to me playing chess #if anyone's curious #pjo #hoo #toa #solangelo #solangelo fanfiction #writing established stuff is kinda nice lol #established relationship #fanfic #my fanfic #my writing #my post #I hope the formatting looks okay on mobile

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starllightss · 3 years ago

Note

hi! i'm the anon who talked about elections weeks back and i dunno i reaaaaally feel anxious. i don't know if i should send you this ask coz things might be too much for you at this moment. (don't feel pressured to entertain this ask if you're not comfortable)

hours from now would be the beginning of the national elections here in the philippines. i feel kinda worried of what might happen.

this is biased but i don't trust the presidential survey frontrunner because of his and his family's background. he's reviving a corrupt political dynasty. his so called platform which is "unity" is for his political allies and not really for the people (coz unity won't feed the hungry or send the children to school).

the sad thing is he gets his votes from people who are blinded with misinformation.

the people, especially the poor and the youth, wants a transparent government and i think we'll have that if we elect our current vice president as the president. but yeah, it's a 50-50 chance.

there are other presidential aspirants but i disliked them after they did that misogynistic conference. but there's this another candidate who i liked coz our principles align but i'm quite more biased towards our vice president. (he's still my beloved bias wrecker tho and i appreciate his effort even with a very small budget for his campaign)

and oh i might have understood that you know what i'm talking about at that ask i sent weeks ago that's why i felt a bit more comfortable sharing 😅

anw i hope we'd have a clean election. gosh this ask is soooooo long nastress ang aking bangs.

It's fine! I understand your sentiments tbhh, I don't want that son of a dictator to be elected as well. There's no really better candidate than the number 10!

Sadly, the misinformed are easily swayed when attacked with emotional appeal from the past. Judging from the age of the generation voting for him, I would say that those people were the brainwashed generation; conditioned by the politicians of their time that the corrupt family brought PH to urbanization in reference to golden age lol.

Plus, our society is still sadly, highly patriarchal due to the said generation that still dominates our population. So, they see these female candidates are incapable. Also, the next presidents that came after the 'Yellow' are just as corrupt and they support each other, that's why sadly, the LP has been painted as negative by these administrations.

But, don't worry, I share the same anxiety with you. I'm studying in maroon university btw so I'm really scared for us students who are tagged by the government as NPA/terrorists due to activism. Still, we're going to fight for our democracy no matter what happens.

Yakap, kababayan!

#personal #anon

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kristinsimmons · 4 years ago

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Docs are ROCs: a simple fix for a “methodologically indefensible” practice in medical AI studies

By LUKE OAKDEN-RAYNER

Anyone who has read my blog or tweets before has probably seen that I have issues with some of the common methods used to analyse the performance of medical machine learning models. In particular, the most commonly reported metrics we use (sensitivity, specificity, F1, accuracy and so on) all systematically underestimate human performance in head to head comparisons against AI models.

This makes AI look better than it is, and may be partially responsible for the “implementation gap” that everyone is so concerned about.

I’ve just posted a preprint on arxiv titled “Docs are ROCs: A simple off-the-shelf approach for estimating average human performance in diagnostic studies” which provides what I think is a solid solution to this problem, and I thought I would explain in some detail here.

Disclaimer: not peer reviewed, content subject to change

A (con)vexing problem

When we compare machine learning models to humans, we have a bit of a problem. Which humans?

In medical tasks, we typically take the doctor who currently does the task (for example, a radiologist identifying cancer on a CT scan) as proxy for the standard of clinical practice. But doctors aren’t a monolithic group who all give the same answers. Inter-reader variability typically ranges from 15% to 50%, depending on the task. Thus, we usually take as many doctors as we can find and then try to summarise their performance (this is called a multi-reader multicase study, MRMC for short).

Since the metrics we care most about in medicine are sensitivity and specificity, many papers have reported the averages of these values. In fact, a recent systematic review showed that over 70% of medical AI studies that compared humans to AI models reported these values. This makes a lot of sense. We want to know how the average doctor performs at the task, so the average performance on these metrics should be great, right?

No. This is bad.

The problem with reporting the averages is that human sensitivity and specificity live on a curve. They are correlated values, a skewed distribution.

The independently pooled average points of curved distributions are nowhere near the curves.

What do we learn in stats 101 about using averages in skewed distributions?

In fact, this practice has been criticised many times in the methodology literature. Gatsonis and Paliwal go as far as to say “the use of simple or weighted averages of sensitivity and specificity to draw statistical conclusions is not methodologically defensible,” which is a heck of an academic mic drop.

What do you mean?

So we need an alternative to average sensitivity and specificity.

If you have read my blog before, you would know I love ROC curves. I’ve written tons about them before (here and here), but briefly: they visually reflect the trade-off between sensitivity and specificity (which is conceptually the same as the trade-off between overcalling or undercalling disease in diagnostic medicine), and the summary metric of the area under the ROC curve is a great measure of discriminative performance. In particular the ROC AUC is prevalence invariant, meaning we can compare the value across hospitals even if the rates of disease differ.

The problem is that human decision making is mostly binary in diagnostic medicine. We say “there is disease” or “there is no disease”. The patient needs a biopsy or they don’t. We give treatment or not*.

Binary decisions create single points in ROC space, not a curve.

The performance of 108 different radiologists at screening mammography, Beam et al, 1996.

AI models on the other hand make curves. By varying the threshold of a decision, the same model can move to different places in ROC space. If we want to be more aggressive at making a diagnosis, follow the curve to the right. If we want to avoid overcalls, shift to the left.

The black line is the model, the coloured dots are doctors. From Gulshan et al, 2016.

As these examples show, groups of humans tend to organise into curves. So why don’t we just … fit a model to the human points to characterise the underlying (hypothetical) curve?

I’ll admit I spent quite a long time trying various methods to do this, none of which worked great or seemed like “the” solution.

I’m not alone in trying, Rajpurkar et al tried out a spline-based approach which worked ok but had some pretty unsatisfying properties.

One day I was discussing this troubling issue with my stats/epi prof, Lyle Palmer, and he looked at me a bit funny and was like “isn’t this just meta-analysis?”.

I feel marginally better about not realising this myself since it appears that almost no-one else has thought of this either**, but dang is it obvious in hindsight.

Wait … what about all those ROCs of docs?

Now, if you read the diagnostic radiology literature, you might be confused. Don’t we use ROC curves to estimate human performance all the time?

The performance of a single radiologist reported in Roganovic et al.

It is true, we do. We can generate ROC curves of single doctors by getting them to estimate their confidence in their diagnosis. We then use each confidence level as a threshold, and calculate the sensitivity and specificity for each point. If you have 5 confidence levels, you get a 5 point ROC curve. After that there are established methods for reasonably combining the ROC curves of individual doctors into a summary curve and AUC.

But what the heck is a doctor’s confidence in their diagnosis? Can they really estimate it numerically?

In almost all diagnostic scenarios, doctors don’t estimate their confidence. They just make a diagnosis*. Maybe they have a single “hedge” category (i.e., “the findings are equivocal”), but we are taught to try to avoid those. So how are these ROC curves produced?

Well, there are two answers:

It is mammography/x-rads, where every study is clinically reported with a score out of 5, which is used to construct a ROC curve for each doctor (ie the rare situation where scoring an image is standard clinical practice).

It is any other test, where the study design forces doctors to use a scoring system they wouldn’t use in practice.

The latter is obviously a bit dodgy. Even subtle changes to experimental design can lead to significant differences in performance, a bias broadly categorised under the heading “laboratory effects“.

There has been a fair bit written about the failings of enforced confidence scores. For example, Gur et al report that confidence scores in practice are concentrated at the extreme ends of the ranges (essentially binary-by-stealth), and are often unrelated to the subtleness of the image features. Another paper by Gur et al highlights the fact that confidence scores do not relate to clinical operating points, and Mallet et al raise a number of further problems with using confidence scores, concluding that “…confidence scores recorded in our study violated many assumptions of ROC AUC methods, rendering these methods inappropriate.” (emphasis mine)

Despite these findings, the practice of forced confidence scoring is widespread. A meta-analysis by Dendumrongsup et al of imaging MRMC studies reported that confidence scores were utilised in all 51 studies they found, including the 31 studies on imaging tasks in which confidence scores are not used in clinical practice.

I reaaaaally hate this practice. Hence, trying to find a better way.

Meta meta meta

So what did Lyle mean? What does meta-analysis have to do with estimating average human reader performance?

Well, in the meta-analysis of diagnostic test accuracy, you take multiple studies that report the sensitivity and specificity of a test, performed at different locations and on different populations, and you summarise them by creating a summary ROC (SROC) curve.

Zhang and Ren, a meta-analysis of mammography diagnostic accuracy. Each dot is a study, with the size of dot proportional to sample size (between 50 and 500 cases). Lines reflect the SROC curve and the 95% confidence interval.

Well, it seems to me that a set of studies looks a lot like a group of humans tested on a diagnostic task. Maybe we should try to use the same method to produce SROC curves for readers? How about Esteva et al, the famous dermatology paper?

This is a model that best fits the reader results. If you compare it to the average (which was reported in the paper), you see that the average of sensitivity and specificity is actually bordering on the inner 95% CI of the fitted model, and only 4 dermatologists perform worse than the average by being inside that 95% CI line. It certainly seems like to SROC curve makes more sense as a summary of the performance of the readers than the average does.

So the approach looks pretty good. But is it hard? Will people actually use it?

Is it even research?

I initially just thought I’d write a blogpost on this topic. I am not certain it really qualifies as research, but in the end I decided to write a quick paper to present the idea to the non-blog-reading community.

The reason I felt this way is that the content of the paper is so simple. Meta-analysis and the methods to perform meta-analysis is one of the best understood parts of statistics. In fact, meta-analysis is generally considered the pinnacle of the pyramid of medical evidence.

Metanalysis is bestanalysis.

But this is why the idea is such a good solution in my opinion. There is nothing fancy, no new models to convince people about. It is just good, well-validated statistics. There are widely used packages in every major programming language. There are easily accessible tutorials and guidelines. The topic is covered in undergraduate courses.

So the paper isn’t anything fancy. It just says “here is a good tool. Use the good tool.”

It is a pretty short paper too, so all I will do here is cover the main highlights.

What and why?

In short, a summary ROC curve is a bivariate model fitted on the logit transforms of sensitivity and specificity. It comes in two main flavours, the fixed effects model and the random effects model, but all the guidelines recommend random effects models these days so we can ignore the fixed effects versions***.

When it comes to the nuts and bolts, there are a few main models that are used. I reference them in the paper, so check that out if you want to know more.

The “why do meta-analysis?” question is important. There are a couple of major benefits to this approach, but the biggest one by far is that we get reasonable estimates of variance in our summary measures.

See, when you average sensitivity and specificity, you calculate your standard deviations by pooling the confusion matrices across readers. Where before you had multiple readers, you now have one uber-reader. At this point, you can only account for variability across samples, not readers.

In this table, adapted from Obuchowski in a book chapter I wrote, we see that the number of readers, when accounted for, has a huge impact on sample size and power calculations. Frankly, not taking the number of readers into account is methodologically indefensible.

SROC analysis does though, considering both the number of readers and the “weight” of each reader (how many studies they read). Compare this SROC curve re-analysing the results of Rajpurkar and Irvin et al to the one from Esteva et al above:

With only 4 readers, look how wide that confidence region is! If we draw a vertical line from the “average point” it covers a sensitivity range between 0.3 and 0.7, but in their paper they reported an F1 score of 0.387, with a 95% CI of 0.33 to 0.44, a far narrower range even accounting for the different metric.

Another nice thing about SROC curves is that they can clearly show results stratified by experience level (or other subgroups), even when there are lots of readers.

From Tschandl et al. The raw reader points are unreadable, but summarising them with SROC curves is clean and tidy.

There are a few other good points of SROC curves which we mention in the paper, but I don’t want to extend this blog post too much. Just read the paper if you are interested.

Just use SROCs!

That’s really all I have to say. A simple, off-the-shelf, easily applied method to more accurately summarise human performance and estimate the associated standard errors in reader studies, particularly of use for AI human-vs-machine comparisons.

I didn’t invent anything here, so I’m taking no credit^, but I think it is a good idea. Use it! It will be better^^!

You wouldn’t want to be methodologically indefensible, right?

* I’ll have more to say on this in a future post, suffice to say for now that this is actually how medicine works when you realise that doctors don’t make descriptive reports, they make decisions. Every statement made by a radiologist (for example) is a choice between usually two but occasionally three or four actual treatment paths. A radiologist who doesn’t understand the clinical implications of their words is a bad radiologist.

**This actually got me really nervous right after I posted the paper to arxiv (like, why has no-one thought of this?), so I email-bombed some friends for urgent feedback on the paper while I could still remove it from the processing list, but I got the all clear :p

*** I semi-justify this in the paper. It makes sense to me anyway.

^ Well, I will take credit for the phrase “Docs are ROCs”. Not gonna lie, it was coming up with that phrase that motivated me to write the paper. It just had to exist.

^^ For anyone interested, it still isn’t perfect. There are some reports of persistent underestimation of performance using SROC analysis in simulation studies. It also doesn’t really account for the fact most reader studies have a single set of cases, so the variance between cases is artificially low. But you can’t really get around that without making a bunch of assumptions (these are accurate empirical estimates), and it is tons better than what we do currently. And heck, it is good enough for Cochrane :p^^^

^^^ Of course, if you disagree with this approach, let me know. This is a preprint currently, and I would love to get feedback on why you hate it and everything about it, so I can update the paper or my friends list accordingly :p

Luke Oakden-Rayner is a radiologist in South Australia, undertaking a Ph.D in Medicine with the School of Public Health at the University of Adelaide. This post originally appeared on his blog here.

Docs are ROCs: a simple fix for a “methodologically indefensible” practice in medical AI studies published first on https://wittooth.tumblr.com/

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