#I should probably know what I find attractive at this point in my life but eh | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tenelkadjowrites · 1 year ago

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Video Girl - Seonghwa x Reader (NSFW)

📼 Summary: On the cusp of 1998, your quiet life working at a department store is upended when an attractive new coworker named Seonghwa awakens your desire for sexual exploration.

📼 Word count: 22k

📼 Genre and warnings: smut one shot. coworkers to lovers. fem pronouns for reader. use of a camera during sex. oral sex. unprotected sex. creampie.

📼 fic playlist here.

this fic is not meant to represent seonghwa in any way, shape or form.

Monday, October 6th, 1997

“What happened to the stack of CDs I put right there?”

“Right where?”

“Right there,” You gesture to the empty space that once housed a cluster of CDs that needed to be put on the shelf.

Your coworker, San, pops his head up from where he had been busy sorting through one of the boxes of new inventory. His brows furrow while staring at the spot as if he could magically make the CDs appear.

“What was it?”

“The new Janet Jackson album.”

“The new…oh shit, wait, I might’ve knocked it into this other box,” He ducks back down out of your view and you hear him wildly rummaging around.

With a sigh, you slump against the shelf and stare out at the store which closed half an hour ago. Now, you’re stuck restocking new releases in the CD and VHS section for another hour before your shift ends. At least there are no customers, you think gratefully.

“What’s it called?” San asks, still trying to find what he accidentally misplaced.

“The Velvet Rope, I think,” You reply, wishing your feet didn’t hurt so much.

The stack of CDs really isn’t that important but you just needed an excuse to take a break. It’s been a long day, working a double to cover for someone else, and you were sick of being here about three hours ago. The vest you have to wear while clocked in has long been discarded, tossed onto the counter as soon as the last customer finally got the hell out.

“Wait, I found it,” San says with the same enthusiasm of someone completing a lifelong goal. He circles around the aisle, holding the pile of CDs, “Where should I put them?”

“I’m just stacking them next to Mariah Carey,” You reply while taking them out of his hands and turning back to the shelf, “I don’t care.”

“Fine by me.”

You’ve worked with San for two years now and know him as well as one can know another coworker. He rarely missed a shift, probably because he enjoyed flirting with the women who wandered into the electronics section too much. There were two things San liked to do outside of work: work out and go clubbing with his best friend, Wooyoung. He was good looking to the point that even the ugly work mandated vest couldn’t take away from his jawline sculpted out of marble.

“Thanks for helping me out,” San says.

“It’s cool, dude. I really did not feel like working in my department tonight.”

“You’re sick of organizing all the tube tops? Don’t see any of them you want for yourself?” He jokes, knowing how bored you are of working in the women’s clothing department.

You make a face. “Ugh, as if.”

San leans against the shelf, crossing his arms. “Did you hear about the new guy they hired for the men’s department?”

“No,” You reply, uninterested.

“I heard he’s good looking,” A thought strikes him and in an alarmed tone, he goes, “You don’t think he’s better looking than me, do you?”

You shove the last CD onto the shelf although it teeters close to the edge. You stare at it, willing that it doesn’t fall and when the case stays in place, you finally turn your attention to San. “Why, worried you’re going to no longer be the Resident Hottie?”

“Pfft, no. But…you’ll let me know, won’t you?”

You lean down and pick up one of the boxes of CDs, balancing it on your knee until you get a better hold on it. “Why are you buggin about a new hire?”

“I’m not buggin about him,” San protests quickly.

“Yes, you totally are. I’m sure he’s nothing special. Don’t worry about it,” You turn away from San, getting ready to head down another aisle to finish putting the CDs away, “I can’t even remember the last time we hired someone who impacted me outside of asking and then promptly forgetting their name.”

San looks mollified, taking comfort in the fact that everyone knows he is the hottest guy working in the store. You plop the box down, sorting through it to see what to put away first.

The routine is comforting in that sort of mind numbing manner, the same pace of your life unchanging with no disruptions on the horizon. Tomorrow, you’d wake up and be here again to sort out ugly women’s clothing and clean up the fitting rooms after old ladies leave piles everywhere.

That’s how it always goes, how it will continue to go.

Tuesday, October 7th, 1997

“I don’t want this one,” A customer declares, thrusting a crushed velvet mini dress into your arms, “Or this.” A denim dress is tossed as the customer saunters off back into the aisles of clothing racks.

You stand there, momentarily bunching the fabric in your hands with irritation before collecting your features into a pleasant expression. You go back to organizing the clothing from the fitting room racks to put them away. There are two hours left in your shift and your feet hurt yet again.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt,” A voice cuts cleanly through the music being piped into the building. It is deep, almost melodious and you look over your shoulder curiously, expecting to see a lost looking man trying to find something to buy for his wife or girlfriend.

There is, in fact, a lost looking man standing there but his blue vest indicates he’s a coworker. The slightly confused expression combined with the outfit leads you to believe this is the man San had been talking about the other night.

“I just started working here yesterday and the person who was supposed to be training me called out so I’m running the men’s department alone. I just had some questions and was hoping you could help me.”

The man is tall and slender with black hair carefully combed. The ugly blue vest does nothing to take away from his uniquely pretty face – beautiful brown eyes with a strong nose, perfectly straight white teeth and full lips. In his hands is a small collection of clothing, long fingers splayed out across to stop it from tumbling onto the floor. His shoes look brand new, the shine making it obvious. A belt loops around his small waist, wearing simple dress slacks.

You’re so used to going through the motions at work, typically zoned out that only something absolutely wild could shatter you from that usual feeling. Seeing someone so pretty against the backdrop of the woman’s department brings you up short.

“Uhhhh,” You go before managing to collect yourself swiftly, replying, “Yeah, I can help you,” Your eyes fall onto his nametag, and you tentatively say his name aloud for the first time, “Seonghwa.”

He smiles, a sort of strange smile in which he looks vastly uncomfortable, saying your own name after reading it from your tag. You trail after him, cutting through the organized racks of the women’s department into the general shitshow of the men’s.

For some reason, it was impossible to keep a full team in the men’s section. They always quit or just stopped showing up. Over the two years you worked here, you normally didn’t speak to anyone in the men’s department too much since they never seemed to last long. That meant the department always looked like a group of wild school children tore through it regularly and today is no exception.

Seonghwa takes you to a large box dumped unceremoniously onto the counter near the men’s fitting rooms. “I was told to process these returns but I don’t…actually know how to do that,” He admits bashfully.

“Oh, it’s not difficult. I can show you.”

He looks relieved, thanking you. As you begin to show Seonghwa the process, you sneak a glance at his face out of the corner of your eye. His eyelashes are long, his lips prettily plump and his skin seemingly perfect. What planet did this dude come from? You wonder, unsure how someone like him stumbled into working at a store like this.

“You know how to fold the clothes the right way?” You ask at one point.

“Yeah, I’ve worked retail before in my last town.”

“Oh, you moved here?”

Seonghwa looks up as you hand him a particularly ugly dress shirt made from a shiny fabric. In the horrendous fluorescent lights which make almost everyone look garish, he seems to be immune.

“Yeah, just a couple weeks ago. Not far away, just a few towns over.” He quickly changes the subject off himself, “Have you worked here long?”

“Around two years.”

“Do you like it?”

“It’s retail,” You reply dryly, “I think it is the same everywhere.”

The corners of his lips turn up for a second. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Seonghwa turns his attention back to the pile of clothes, folding them swiftly. You watch the way his long fingers smooth out the fabric before expertly folding it. Every movement of his seems to be precise and completely under control, a far cry from yourself.

“Are you settling in okay then?” You ask, trying to wiggle more information out of this professional handsome guy who for some reason is working at this shitty store instead of modeling overseas somewhere.

He carefully folds another shirt while replying, “Yeah, I’m doing alright. Have you always lived here?” Another deflection. It’s growing obvious Seonghwa doesn’t want to talk about himself.

“Yeah, I have. It’s really nothing special though. Pretty generic place.” You study his face while asking the next question, “Why did you pick here?”

Without missing a beat, he goes, “It was convenient. What do you like the most about living here?”

You find his answer curious but decide asking Seonghwa questions is pointless because he only swiftly tries to put the conversation back on you.

Stumped by his question, mostly because nothing really comes to mind, you finally settle on, “The weather is alright.”

He tilts his face in your direction at your answer, one eyebrow slightly raised. “That’s it?”

You shrug, “Yeah, I guess.”

His gaze is heavy on you, a beat too long before turning his attention back to folding the clothes. You swallow hard, wondering why you feel so unnerved. As beautiful as Seonghwa is, he has the sort of intense presence that knocks you a little off balance, almost as if he can see some part of yourself that most people cannot.

“Alright, finished.” His voice brings you back to the moment as he picks up the clothing, “Do I just put them back now?”

“Yup, that’s it. Do you want me to help you?”

“No, I got it. I should start learning where everything goes,” He turns to go and then stops, looking over his shoulder, “Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.”

“It’s no biggie. You can pop over again if you have any other questions.”

He smiles again, exposing the most perfect teeth you’ve ever seen. “Alright, thanks. Talk to you later.”

You give him a small wave, turning around to head back to your section, wondering why you feel so thrown off balance over someone you’ve known for ten minutes.

“So, how is he?”

“Who?”

“Don’t play coy with me,” San says, leaning closer to you, “The new guy.”

You’re in the break room, poking at the unappealing lunch you brought. The break room is covered in tacky motivational posters, a bulletin board filled with random flyers about things like worker safety, requesting time off and a garage sale ad. A small TV in the corner shows the local news. The image, as usual, is extra grainy due to the bad signal off the cheap antenna. There is no break from the harsh fluorescents even in this room.

“You saw him, didn’t you?” He presses.

You relent and reply with a casual, “Yeah, I saw him.”

“And? What’s he like? Is he hotter than me?”

Another noncommittal shrug. “He’s…different. He’s friendly, don’t get me wrong, but he seems distant. I guess he moved here from a town nearby. That’s all I know about him.” San is staring at you with a serious expression on his face. You shift uncomfortably in the hard chair, finally glaring at him. “What?”

He points at you sternly. “You do think he’s fine.”

“What?” You bluster. “Where the hell did you get that idea?”

San gestures wildly. “It’s written all over your face! We talk about every new hire in detail and now suddenly, you give me a couple of sentences. What spell did he cast on you?”

“No spell,” You say crossly, irritated at somehow being too obvious when believing you played it cool, “You’re caring too much about my opinion.”

He slumps back in his chair, crossing his arms, pouting. With a sigh, you push your meal away and turn to face him.

“Come on, dude. You’re giving a new hire way too much power. Everyone knows you’re all that and a bag of chips. You think the confused old ladies who still don’t understand what a cordless phone is are not gonna be charmed by you? That they’re suddenly going to head to the men’s department instead?”

“They tip me, you know,” San says defensively, “That’s why it’s important to me. They give me a couple of bucks when I finish explaining what a portable CD player is compared to their 8 track.”

You skirt around the fact it is against company police to take cash tips from customers, opting to continue reassuring him instead. “Don’t give someone else so much power. I mean, look at the size of your arms. No one in the store can compare with that.”

“That’s true,” He says begrudgingly, “Fine. And I’ll give the new guy a shot only cuz you think he’s fly.”

“I don’t – will you stop –” You sputter.

San stands up, snatching his work vest off the table and slipping it back on. “Alright, I’m going. Talk to you later.”

You say bye, now alone in the break room. Normally, you relish the quiet moments here without a coworker talking your ear off. But you’re longing for a pointless discussion, some sort of distraction from the fact that you’ve spent ten minutes around Seonghwa and are seemingly attracted to him.

You’ve fallen into such a routine between work, occasionally going out on the weekends, and watching TV that suddenly finding someone hot is like an electric bolt to your chest. Things have been quiet for so long, in both your mind and life, that the last thing you want to deal with is forming an attraction to a coworker.

Luckily, Seonghwa seems intent to keep mostly to himself. The emotional distance should help, you think, should make it easier not to get swept up in some guy.

Wednesday, October 8th, 1997

Once it hits 4pm, all you care about is punching out and getting home. You’re so wrapped up in this that when you turn around to dart out of the back room, you collide immediately into Seonghwa.

It’s like striking a wall. Even though he’s slender, his body is firm, resulting in you ungracefully flailing for a moment. His hands go to your upper arms to steady you, allowing yourself to recover from toppling back against the wall.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” You’re embarrassed by being so spaced out.

Seonghwa, who you have successfully avoided all day, doesn’t seem to be impacted by the collision. He’s still in his work vest but today he’s wearing a long sleeve black shirt. His hands rest on your upper arms and your eyes drop to his fingers, taking note of how they look against the fabric of your clothing.

He clears his throat gently, a mild noise of embarrassment, before dropping his hands back to his sides. “No, I should have let you know I was behind you. My shift is done too so I was just punching out.”

You shuffle to the side, letting Seonghwa finish up. Your heart is beating quickly in that annoying way you’ve been trying to avoid since your last relationship. You should just say goodbye now and head out. But your feet refuse to obey and you find yourself lingering to walk out with Seonghwa.

After shaking out of his work vest and tossing it unceremoniously into his locker, he leans against it, watching as you fumble with your own lock.

“How was your day?”

“Uh, it was alright. What about you? You settling in okay with everything?” You successfully open your locker, shoving your own work vest in there and grabbing your bag.

Turning to meet Seonghwa’s gaze, your eyes unintentionally flick down to his torso. His long sleeve shirt fits him a little too well, is a little too snug, and you’re now acutely aware of his small waist on top of the fact he’s definitely in shape.

“Yeah, it’s going well. A bit disorganized but it’s fine.”

The two of you are leaving the backroom together, cutting through the electronics section. San is milling around in front of a display of Tamagotchis which is already half empty. He glances up and notices you, waving.

“Hey,” He goes, “Oh, you’re the new guy, right?”

You’re secretly hoping San doesn’t embarrass you. Even though you denied thinking Seonghwa is attractive yesterday, you know that San doesn’t believe you for a second.

Seonghwa introduces himself and then glances at the display. “These things go fast, don’t they?”

“Tell me about it. I end up having to restock the display every shift,” San replies disgruntled, “I don’t get it. An electronic pet?”

“I had a Tamagotchi,” Seonghwa muses, “It kept beeping while I was sleeping so I shoved it in a drawer and forgot about it.”

“What happened to it?” San asks.

“It died,” He replies seriously, “I felt pretty guilty.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” San says just as grimly.

You glance between the two men and their bonding moment over a dead Tamagotchi before clasping your hands together. “Okay, well, this has been truly touching but I don’t wanna miss my bus. See you tomorrow, San.”

As you turn to leave, you hear Seonghwa mumble a quick goodbye before catching up with you. “You take the bus to work?”

“Yeah, no car.”

“I can drop you off at your place if you’d like.”

You glance at him in surprise. “You don’t even know if I’m completely out of your way or not. We could live on opposite sides of one another. On top of that, how familiar are you with the town? You got a map in your car or something to help you get home afterwards?”

Seonghwa looks perplexed. “I guess I didn’t think of that.”

The doors glide open as you step out into the late afternoon air. The temperature has dropped since this morning, a chilly bite that cuts through your t-shirt. Seonghwa had the right idea with the long sleeve, you think. Feeling flustered by his invitation to drive you home, you stop walking and turn to face him.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to come across so harsh. I just wouldn’t want you going out of your way on my account.”

“I get that,” He replies, a wind kicking up and blowing some of his hair into his eyes which he impatiently brushes back, “But I really don’t mind. I need to learn where everything is anyway.”

Chewing on your bottom lip, you fight the urge just to agree. Logically, you should just take the bus home. If you’re trying to steadfastly ignore the fact that Seonghwa is attractive then obviously being in his car will not help things. But on the other hand, being alone with him also sounds too good.

“Alright, fine. But if you get lost, I warned you.”

He smiles and you can feel it in your chest. Following him to his car, which looks as though it has seen better days, you get into the passenger seat and toss your bag on the floor, looking around. A pair of small dice swing off the rearview mirror, the only decoration in the car. There is nothing else to learn about Seonghwa in here – the car is neat, clean and smells nice.

He stretches out his long legs in his seat, starting the car. You are trying very hard not to stare at him, not notice how smooth his skin is nor how his muscles pull against his long sleeve shirt.

You open your mouth to tell him your address when suddenly Wannabe by the Spice Girls begins to blare out of his car speakers. Startled into silence, you can only watch as Seonghwa looks mortified, quickly slamming his hand down onto the eject button which spits the CD out of the player in his car dashboard.

He grabs the CD swiftly while going, “Uh, I didn’t know – I forgot – ‘’

“Seonghwa, it’s fine,” You reassure him, “It would be stranger at this point if you didn’t own that CD.”

He turns his body to grab something off the back seat, plopping the CD holder into his lap. Quickly, he opens it, flips to a random page with a spot available and hastily shoves the disc inside before closing the big binder of albums. Seonghwa seems to collect himself after a second or two, returning the binder to the backseat and quietly clearing his throat while turning on the radio. Sunday Morning by No Doubt quietly fills the car.

“Alright,” He says, neatly skirting around the Spice Girls incident, his hands wrapping around the steering wheel, “Help me get to your place.”

You give him a couple of directions and soon enough Seonghwa is on a main road. You make a mental note to eventually Map Quest some stuff for him later so he can learn the town layout faster.

Wanting to fill the silence before your brain gets swept up in the mental image of sitting in his lap, you go, “Are you excited for Halloween? Hopefully we don’t get stuck working late.”

“Do you usually do something for Halloween?”

Of course he deflects immediately. You should have known better than to ask Seonghwa a question about himself. “Sometimes. Last year I went to a party but it was a total buzzkill. I don’t know what I’m doing this year.”

“Do you like horror movies?”

“They’re okay. Do you?”

“Yeah, I like them.” Wow, finally an answer out of him! Progress.

“Oh, wait, turn right at this light,” You say as Seonghwa shifts into the other lane.

At the red light, he looks out the side window and says, “So far, this is near my own place. Maybe we don’t live too far away from each other.”

“Maybe.” Did you dare ask another question? “Do you live alone?”

Seonghwa hesitates for a moment and then replies, “Yeah, I do. What about you?”

You spare an extra second to study his face. Every interaction with Seonghwa, while friendly enough, gives you the feeling that he is constantly holding back in some respect. Aspects of himself are carefully hidden, making you wonder what he is like behind the perfectly pleasant façade he shows at work.

“Yeah. Do you like living alone?”

“It’s a little different than what I am used to,” Seonghwa says carefully, glancing at you for a moment.

You point to a road ahead. “You can turn down here.” After he does so, you ask, “What are you used to?”

Seonghwa’s hands tighten around the wheel. You get the sense he is struggling to answer, torn between talking about himself and staying private.

“Listen, Seonghwa,” You begin, “I get the sense you really don’t like talking about yourself. That’s fine. I don’t want to come off all ‘hey, tell me your life story’ and shit. I know we just met.”

There is another red light and the car stops. Seonghwa tilts his face to look at you. You’re struck again by how handsome you find him and how his intense gaze startles you into silence.

“It has nothing to do with you. I don’t mean to seem so closed off.” He turns his attention back to the road, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel before saying, “I moved here because my girlfriend and I broke up recently. I’m not used to living alone because I lived with her.”

“Oh,” You mumble as the light turns green, feeling awkward, “I didn’t mean to – I mean…”

“It’s okay,” He reassures you, his attention back on the road, “I’m a private person but I don’t want to come off rude.”

Quietly, you point out the next turn. It doesn’t take long to stop at the small apartment complex you’ve lived in the past year. Grabbing your bag, anxious to get out of the car after fumbling straight into making Seonghwa feel as if he needed to explain himself, you stop just in time to remember he might not know how to get to his own place.

“I can figure it out,” He claims while you rummage in your bag for a stray sheet of paper and pen.

“No, no, you were nice enough to drop me off. What’s your address?” After he says it, you scribble down rough directions that he can follow and thrust the paper in his direction. “Here, this should help.”

When he takes the paper from you, his fingers brush against yours. Your breath catches at the small touch.

“Listen, I meant what I said,” Seonghwa says, “You don’t need to feel bad.”

“Yeah but I didn’t want you to talk about anything negative like a breakup. That is way uncool of me. It isn’t any of my business why you moved here or who you live with.”

“True but I also don’t wanna come off like a jerk.”

“You weren’t, I just…” You’re struggling to find a safe sentence to land on. How did you not say that you wanted to learn more about him because you were immediately attracted and therefore curious? “Wanted to be friendly. Since we work together.”

“We’re chilling, don’t worry about it. Let me walk you to your door, at least.”

“You don’t need to do that,” You protest even though your heart skips a beat.

“I don’t mind.”

You know that you’re probably supposed to refuse again until Seonghwa relents and even though you still have anxiety from the misstep of having him open up about his past, your desire to be around him for longer wins out. You nod in acceptance, getting out of the car and rubbing your arms in the cold air, reminding yourself to bring a hoodie tomorrow.

Seonghwa circles around the car, waiting for you to shuffle over. The apartment complex isn’t anything special, just two floors and a run down looking pool in the middle that is currently closed for fall and winter. You lead him up to the second floor, stopping in front of your apartment. Seonghwa is peering over the railing to look at the pool. Some of his black hair falls in front of his eyes. His hands are shoved in the pockets of his pants to keep them warm. Your eyes drop to his slender waist and you swallow hard. Everything about this man seems to have been specially created to drive you up the wall.

“You ever use the pool?”

“Not really. Why, do you like swimming?”

“I do. My apartment complex doesn’t have a pool though.”

Without thinking, you offer, “Well, when the pool reopens, you can come here.”

He looks over at you, something flickering across his eyes quickly. Straightening up, he nods, giving you a small smile. “Alright, that sounds sweet.”

Shifting the weight of your bag onto your other shoulder, you go, “Well…thanks again for the ride. Try not to get lost on the way home. Do you work tomorrow?”

“I do.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Seonghwa lingers for a moment. Once again, you get the feeling he is restraining from doing or saying something that might expose too much of himself. It is a curious thing, you think, especially given that you just assumed the whole ex-girlfriend thing is why he was being so reserved. Maybe that’s just him as a person though. Just really private and constantly filtering his behavior through a thousand nets.

“Alright, talk to you later.”

“See you later, alligator,” You reply and immediately chastised yourself for ending on such a corny line.

Seonghwa turns around, walking back towards the staircase. You trace the curve of his shoulders underneath his shirt, getting a brief mental image of your hands flat against the top of them while you’re under his body. Shaking your head to fend off the fantasy, you turn away.

He’s probably incredibly boring in bed. He’s an attractive guy but he’s so mild mannered and pleasant in an easily digestible way. Why get distracted into some annoying crush when the end result won’t be worth it?

Thursday, October 9th, 1997

“Wassup?” San plops down in the chair next to yours while gesturing at the TV. “You watch this?”

Once again, it is mid-afternoon in the break room. You’re eating lunch, staring at the grainy image on the TV that is showing a Buffy the Vampire Slayer ad for the new episode on Monday night.

“No, do you?”

“Nah but Yeosang records it every week to watch.”

Yeosang is San’s roommate. That information doesn’t really surprise you seeing as he also watches The X-Files religiously.

“Well, I bet he will enjoy this episode,” You squint, looking at the ad closer, “About a gigantic reptile thing in a frat house.”

It is at that moment that Seonghwa steps into the break room. He is wearing a short sleeve black shirt today along with the ugly blue vest and a pair of black jeans. San waves when he enters.

“Hey, dude. Are you on break?”

“Yeah, I am.”

San kicks out the chair on the other side of you, motioning to it. “Wanna chill with us?” When Seonghwa isn’t looking, he winks at you. You fight the urge to punch his shoulder.

Seonghwa nods, stopping to get something out of the fridge before settling in next to you. He catches your eye and gives you a small smile. Your cheeks feel warm so you turn your attention back to your sandwich but you can still feel his gaze.

“Damn, I wanna see this,” San interrupts whatever the hell was passing in between Seonghwa and yourself.

“I think the title is kinda goofy though,” Seonghwa remarks.

“You don’t like I Know What You Did Last Summer? I think it sounds a little mysterious. You know, it’s by the same writer as Scream,” San nudges you, “What do you think?”

“I think I haven’t seen Scream so that sentence means nothing to me.”

“Whoa, what, you haven’t seen Scream?” Seonghwa’s attention is back on you, “The sequel comes out soon. You should watch it. It’s really good.”

Slightly desperate for something new to discuss with Seonghwa that didn’t involve asking questions leading to awkward moments, you leap at this opportunity. “Alright. I guess I can see if Blockbuster has it.”

San scoffs. “Are you serious? I’ve been asking you to watch Scream for months – ow!” He winces as your foot collides with his shin under the table.

Seonghwa frowns. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” San wheezes, “I always forget about the metal bar under the table. Just whacked my leg against it.”

“He’s fine,” You say quickly, shooting daggers at him.

Seonghwa tilts his body in your direction and goes, “I own Scream. I can bring the VHS tape tomorrow if you’re also working.”

“I don’t have a day off until Sunday so I’ll be here. But are you sure? I don’t want you to lend me anything…”

“Yeah, it’s okay. Don’t go to Blockbuster. I always do and then forget and end up owing them an annoying amount of late fees.”

San has quickly forgotten the shin kicking incident and nods in agreement. “He’s right. Avoid it if you can.”

“I’ll bring it tomorrow.”

“Okay, well, thanks.”

“Hey, when you’re done watching it, can I borrow it? Yeosang still hasn’t seen it either,” San goes, “He’s so bad at watching movies.”

“Yeah, that’s no problem,” Seonghwa replies, “I’m still unpacking but I know where it is.”

“Great, thanks dude,” San exclaims before turning his attention back to the TV.

San says something else but you don’t really hear him because Seonghwa is still looking at you. Even though Seonghwa is friendly yet distant, your body seems to react to him in a way that takes you by surprise every time you’re close. It’s the warmth of his body so near combined with his toned arms and perfect skin. The effect is slightly dizzying. Toss in the fact you haven’t had a crush on someone since your last relationship ended three years ago, you are struggling between thinking his personality doesn’t match up with yours and wanting to throw yourself at him. The entire thing is confusing.

Seonghwa’s lips are slightly parted as if he was going to say more but falls silent while staring at you. There is something brewing in his eyes, something you haven’t seen before. It’s intense and your stomach swoops as if leaping off a cliff. His hand presses down hard against his knee to steady himself. He suddenly looks away towards the window, cutting the moment short.

You’re breathless, wondering what the hell that had been about. The way Seonghwa looked at you mingling with the feeling that he was reigning himself in, closing something off – you don’t know what to make of it. Could it be he also is attracted to you and is trying to hide it? In all your interactions with him, he’s been kind and considerate but nothing indicated he saw you in a physical way.

You force yourself into focusing on whatever San is saying, trying to push all the swirling emotions out of your mind.

Friday, October 10th, 1997

You sigh, plopping down on your bed, stretching out. Work today was a chore but Seonghwa had given you his copy of Scream. With San bothering you to watch it quickly so he could let Yeosang borrow it, you figured you’d just watch it tonight before going to sleep.

Leaning over the side of your bed, you rummage through your bag until your fingers feel the edge of the VHS tape. Pulling it out, you gaze at the cover for a few seconds, lost in thought. You’re thinking about how Seonghwa looked today right before his shift ended. You were on your break and he was at the lockers, tugging a hoodie over his head. His white shirt lifted up so slightly that if you hadn’t been already staring at him, you wouldn’t have noticed the quick glimpse of a few inches of hard abdomen. That was enough to send your body into overdrive, something you still hadn’t calmed down from when he came over to hand you the Scream VHS.

“Thanks,” You mumbled quickly, hoping that he didn’t have the ability to read your mind.

“Not a problem. You can just give it to San as soon as you’re done with it. I’m not in any hurry to get it back.”

He gave you that same easy going smile, the type of smile that made you wonder what he would be like if his kind demeanor cracked and he had you pushed against a wall with his lips against your neck.

“Right, yeah, cool.” You said in what you hoped was a casual tone.

When he turned around to leave, your eyes lingered on his waist before turning your attention back to your food, the VHS tape in your lap like a heavy weight.

Dragging yourself back to the present moment, you pull the tape out of the sleeve, finding it a bit curious there isn’t a sticker with the movie name on it. You wiggle to the edge of your bed, shoving the tape into the player. There are a few seconds of VHS tracking and then the picture pops into view.

You’re staring at a palm tree against a blue sky, slightly out of focus. The tape goes grainy for a moment and then the camera swoops downward. Someone’s face comes into view, filling up the lens before their hand pushes the camera away while they are laughing.

Uh, okay, this is not what I thought the movie was gonna look like, you think while squinting at the TV.

“Can you get the camera out of my face?” comes a familiar voice.

“Stop, you love when the camera is on,” A woman replies coyly.

The shot snaps into focus then, showing Seonghwa against a wall. He is wearing a sleeveless white and blue striped shirt, his black hair ruffling in the wind. The sight of him is like a punch to your chest, knocking the air out of your lungs. His smile is bright, completely different from the ones you’ve seen at work. It is unguarded. Even his posture is relaxed with none of the slightly stiff professional nature he has at work.

Entranced, you can only stare as the scene continues. Seonghwa runs his long fingers through his hair, his smile turning into a grin.

“So do you,” He counters.

You can hear the sound of ocean waves just off screen. He turns his face to the side, the camera lingering on this for a moment before it lowers for a second, showing a wooden pathway. It cuts suddenly, immediately shifting into another scene.

Seonghwa is standing on the beach now, slipping his shirt off and tossing it onto the blanket that is on the sand. You didn’t think it was possible to see him look so comfortable in his own skin. He doesn’t seem to be shy at all, staring at the camera with a challenging look on his face. On top of that, the sight of Seonghwa shirtless is bowling you over. He is toned, tanned and has muscles you want to press your hands against.

“What?” He goes.

“Nothing,” The woman says, “I can’t film you getting into the water?”

“You’re just filming me undressing.”

“Well, it’s not the first time, is it?”

He rolls his eyes but there is a good natured expression on his face. He shoves his thumbs into his swim trunks, tugging them down half an inch before exploding into laughter and turning around, jogging towards the water.

Another cut. New scene. This has to be him and his ex. I need to turn this off. It’s obviously not meant for me.

Seonghwa is sitting at a table in a diner, looking over a menu. He raises his eyes, making eye contact with the camera then he laughs again. He looks relaxed, his smile bright and posture resting comfortably against the booth.

“You look wicked good tonight,” The woman remarks and Seonghwa playfully shakes the menu in her direction.

“Good thing you’re getting it on camera, right?”

“Exactly.” She zooms in a little more. “Do you want to tell the imaginary audience what we’ll be filming later?”

“Oh, well, I think the imaginary audience knows by now what we like to film,” He says with a mock seriousness that makes your heart constrict. “Isn’t that right?”

The woman giggles and the scene cuts suddenly. This time the camera is in a bedroom with the lens focusing on Seonghwa once again. He is shirtless, close to the camera.

“You gonna keep it on while I fuck you?” He says in a low voice.

The woman doesn’t reply, just giggles.

Seonghwa’s eyes drop for a moment before locking back onto the camera. You’ve never seen such an expression on his face – a combination of lust and reveling in the fact the entire thing is being filmed. It is as if the exterior you’ve seen on him since he began to work at the store is all bullshit, a lie in which he hides behind, and you’re seeing him for real now through the lens.

“Maybe I’ll film you when my cock is down your throat,” He continues, “You want that?”

The woman titters again before going, “Yeah, I want that.”

Seonghwa grins, moving back a little so that his entire body is in view. The low light makes it difficult to fully make him out but you can see the curve of his shoulders, the stiffness against the fabric of his boxers, and the way he motions for her to come closer.

“Then give me the camera and get on your knees,” He says sternly while lowering one hand towards his boxers, starting to pull them down –

The sight of Seonghwa about to expose himself finally snaps you out of your shock. Quickly, you lean over and smash the eject button on the tape, yanking it out of the machine and dropping it to the floor as if it is going to burn you.

You stare at it, breathless, your mind spinning. It didn’t take a genius to figure out where that tape was going to lead. After all, people still talked about the tape of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee; it had been covered in media for months and was still often a topic of conversation.

You are aware Seonghwa just moved and the tape must be misplaced. Do you tell him? Do you just pretend you watched Scream and not mention it? But San wanted to borrow the copy as well. Obviously, he couldn’t get his hands on it. You could lie and say the tape didn’t play. But the excuse wouldn’t work because Seonghwa would try it on his own player and realize what was really on it. You could pretend you lost the tape and destroy it. But that also didn’t seem right. It wasn’t your tape, after all, and eventually Seonghwa could put the pieces together and believe you kept the tape to watch or worse. It felt as if the only choice would be to come clean to Seonghwa and let him know he accidentally gave you the wrong tape.

On the other side of things, you couldn’t believe how different Seonghwa was on camera. There was such a relaxed, casual demeanor to him. He seemed more at ease in front of the lens than in reality. For the first time since meeting him, it felt that you truly saw him. The quiet confidence, no hint of shyness in the way he spoke or removed his clothes. On top of that, his body was absolutely banging in a way that made your thighs clench and hands bunch up in your blanket.

Then give me the camera and get on your knees.

You think about that moment in the break room when Seonghwa’s eyes were heavy on yours and his hand gripped his knee. The little bit of his true personality coming through before being shoved back down, perhaps? Just an hour ago, you thought everything about Seonghwa had been figured out. Not anymore.

Your mind flashes back to his smile and the expression on his face while the camera filmed. Unguarded. Exposed. Hiding behind nothing and leaving everything, including sex, on a VHS tape.

What would such a thing be like? A small voice in your head wonders.

Saturday, October 11th, 1997

“Hey, good morning.”

You jump out of your skin, slamming your locker door shut and turning to see Seonghwa standing there.

“Hi, Seonghwa! How’s it hanging?!” You exclaim loudly with such false cheer that you inwardly wince.

Seonghwa outwardly winces. “You’re at an excitement level I can’t quite reach given we are at work.”

Then give me the camera and get on your knees.

You make a garbled noise in response, eyes darting all over the place. You can’t stare at Seonghwa’s face because then you think of his unguarded smile. You can’t stare at his chest because then the mental image of his abs pops into view. You can’t even look at his small waist, something that had been giving you great pleasure to sneak glances at during the week, because you’re picturing the way he was tugging down his boxers.

“Are you…uh…feeling alright?”

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well,” You say quickly, “Tired.”

His eyes move to your locker and he gestures to it. “Oh, did you watch Scream?”

Your head turns sharply. The VHS tape is poking out of the top of your bag. You stammer out a collection of gibberish, stalling for time. You didn’t want to have this conversation right now; you had been picturing it after work, maybe in his car or something. Not in the break room before it hits ten in the morning.

Seonghwa looks perplexed once again. You don’t blame him.

Finally, you settle on, “I would really like to discuss the tape with you.”

His features brighten. “Yeah, sure.”

“After work?”

Confusion once again but he slowly replies, “Alright.”

You scurry past him, shouting your goodbye while exiting the room and hurrying to the women’s department. Seonghwa’s smile from the tape is still blazing across your brain in vivid colour and no matter how much you try not to think about it, you can still see the lascivious look in his eyes as he began to remove his boxers.

You’ll tell him after work, you think desperately, even though it will be mortifying and he most likely will never speak to you again.

As long as you get through this shift without losing your cool, everything should be fine. Just don’t think about him on the tape. Don’t think about him having sex and recording it. Don’t think about how relaxed he looked. Don’t think about how sexy his body looked.

Should be simple.

You manage to avoid Seonghwa the entire day, including an awkward moment where you wedged yourself into a clothing rack as he walked by. You were worried about blurting out what was on the tape in the middle of his work shift or even worse – admitting that you were curious about how he filmed himself doing such things and how it felt to let go with a camera on. In quiet moments when a customer wasn’t bothering you, your mind travels back to him like an overplayed record.

You have a difficult time wrapping your head around the Seonghwa on the tape and the Seonghwa in reality. Always polite, yet distant, always kind but professional, in the few days you’ve known him, you’ve bounced between wanting him physically and believing his personality would keep a deeper connection from potentially forming.

But on the tape, you viewed Seonghwa as to how he truly is. There is no façade when the camera is on him. You see him unfiltered. The hint of mischief in his smile, that sense of freedom when he was jogging towards the waves, his quiet confidence when he was talking dirty – why were such things hidden in his day to day life?

By the time the end of your shift comes, you are anxious to get the tape and tell Seonghwa you need to talk. Since you were finishing shifts at the same time, you figured you’d wait for him in the break room. It is a little past seven by the time you enter. The break room has a couple of employees milling around but not San, who snuck out an hour earlier in order to hit up the club with Wooyoung.

Standing in front of your locker, you reach for the lock but as your fingers graze the cold metal, you realize with a jolt it is unlocked. With a small sigh, you realize San must have opened it earlier. You had a bottle of ibuprofen in your locker that he would use occasionally and eventually gave him your locker combination so he would stop bothering you.

But as you reach for your bag, your eyes narrow. Heart thudding, you rummage around in it with growing panic. The VHS tape isn’t in the bag. The tape isn’t in the bag.

“What the fuck?” You hiss in between your teeth, your heart plummeting.

You are about to upend the bag onto the floor when Seonghwa’s voice cuts through. “Hey, finishing up too?”

Surprised, you jump, flattening your back against the locker, clutching the bag against your chest. “Seonghwa! Hey! Hi!”

“Lots of enthusiasm for work today,” He notes, removing his work vest. His slender fingers twist the dial on his locker. You stare at them, momentarily transfixed. He glances at you. “What?”

“Nothing. No, that’s a lie. Seonghwa, I seem to have misplaced the tape.”

“Oh, Scream? Nah, San came to me earlier and said he noticed it was in your locker. I told him you watched it and he grabbed it before he left to give to his roommate. He said he was cutting out early to head to the club or something. Yeosang…that’s his roommate, right? San mentioned that Yeosang was gonna watch it with him and everyone else later tonight.”

Every word out of his mouth, every word tumbling out of his beautifully plush lips, makes you want to sink into the planet’s core. The panic that had been wiggling in your brain while looking for the tape is now washing over your body like a cold wave.

You picture Yeosang, whom you have only met briefly before, hitting play on the video. A room filled with his friends plus San and Wooyoung. The video starting, them seeing Seonghwa. How long would they let the tape run? Probably to where you ejected it. Enough for them to know what is on that tape, enough for them to know what Seonghwa does for fun.

You drop your bag to the floor in shock, reaching out for Seonghwa. Your hand grips the front of his sweater. His eyes widen in surprise.

“Seonghwa,” You say in a choked voice.

He looks a bit flustered, eyes darting over your shoulder to see if anyone else is seeing this. “H-hey, I…” He swallows hard. “I…”

“Seonghwa, that movie isn’t on the tape.”

His nerves, possibly because he thought you were literally throwing yourself at him during work, are now washed away in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Scream is not on that tape. It’s…something else,” You steel yourself, plunging forward, “It’s a home video. Of you and your ex.”

The colour immediately drains from Seonghwa’s face. Your grip loosens on his shirt, watching as he goes through a myriad of facial expressions before settling on something that looks blandly neutral. You’re amazed at how quickly he collects himself.

“I didn’t watch it,” You say hurriedly, talking a mile a minute, “Well, I watched like 3 or 4 minutes but then it was starting to get a little….anyway, I shut it off then. I was going to tell you. I brought it back today so I could tell you after work. I just didn’t think San was going…okay, it’s fine. It’s fine. We’ll page him. He’ll know to call here, right? I’ll just page him.”

Seonghwa takes a slow deep breath. You can’t tell if he wants to scream, cry, or punch something. His calm demeanor does nothing to relax your own nerves. You don’t know what he is thinking. You go back to digging through your bag, pulling out the tiny phone number and address book you keep in there. Quickly, you head to the break room phone, yanking it off the receiver while flipping through the book to find San’s beeper number. You page him, hurriedly inputting the phone number of the store before hanging up.

“Okay, we’ll just wait here for a few minutes. He’ll call back.”

You aren’t sure if Seonghwa heard you. Looking over your shoulder, you see him standing in the same exact spot, his back to you.

“Uh…Seonghwa?” You say tentatively. “Are you freaking out?”

He turns around then, his features still amazingly collected in an extremely calm appearance. “Do you know where San lives?”

“Where he lives? Yeah, I do. Oh, you want to go there?” You glance at the clock. “Yeah, I mean, it might be too early for him to be at the club. But shouldn’t we wait in case he calls?”

“No,” He says curtly, “You’ll come with me and show me where his place is.”

“Oh – oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”

You can hardly keep up with Seonghwa’s long strides, scampering behind him as you exit the store and into the chilly weather. Tightening the hoodie you’ve managed to shove yourself into while following him, you get in his car silently. Even though Seonghwa is amazingly calm, you can tell he is on edge. The veneer he portrays to the world is on thin ice and you can almost feel the roiling tension under his skin. He starts the car and the radio plays softly.

Pulling out of the parking spot, Seonghwa gets to the exit and grunts, “Tell me how to get to his place.”

“Okay,” You say, adding on, “You’ll take a left at the light,” You hesitate before going, “Seonghwa, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.’’

His hands tighten on the wheel, the only indication of his stress. “It isn’t your fault. I should have checked the tape before I gave it to you. Due to my move and breakup, things are all over the place. I don’t even know how it ended up in the Scream case.”

“Even so, I should have turned it off immediately. I just…” What do you even say? I was entranced by how different you were on camera. I’m deeply attracted to you and I want to get to know the version of you that was on the tape. I’m curious about what you do for fun. Maybe a little too intrigued for my own good.

“It’s fine,” Seonghwa interrupts you swiftly, “I really don’t want to discuss the tape while this is on.” He gestures to the radio which is currently playing Supermodel (You Better Work). “Just a little too ridiculous for me right now.”

You fall silent, the words tumbling around in your chest. “A right up here,” You mumble after a couple of minutes.

You know it is a morally grey area to keep thinking about Seonghwa in the bedroom, talking openly about getting his dick sucked and filming it. You know it’s wrong to wonder what the rest of the tape looked like. Your curiosity feels like a mark against your moral code.

Fifteen minutes later, you have pulled up to the apartment complex that San resides in. Getting out of the car, you study the building, trying to remember what number his apartment is.

“The door,” Seonghwa points, “You don’t happen to have a key to get into the foyer, do you?”

“No. I guess we can buzz and see if anyone answers. But I…I can’t remember his apartment number.”

He looks at you swiftly. “Please try to remember.” You can tell it is taking him great effort to keep his voice even and not start shaking you.

But you’ve only been here a couple of times so nothing appears in your head. Seonghwa takes off towards the door, giving you no choice but to follow. He stands in front of the door, looking around to see the chances of someone coming by so he could slink in after them.

“You remember it yet?”

“No, sorry.”

He turns to the set of apartment numbers written out across the buzzers and randomly hits one. No answer. He presses another one.

“Is this your plan?” You ask.

“Yes,” He replies calmly.

“What are you going to do if someone answers?”

“Lie.”

You aren’t sure what to say. This is yet another new side of Seonghwa, one driven by the desperation of someone seeing the tape and finding out what he’s really like.

On the fourth buzz, someone gruffly goes, “Who is it?” The speaker crackles.

“Hi, I live a few places down from you and forgot my key,” Seonghwa says smoothly, “I’m so sorry to bother you. I just wanted to get buzzed in real quick.”

“Yeah, whatever.” The door clicks open and the speaker goes silent.

Seonghwa grabs the door handle, shooting you a look as he holds it open. You slip past him into the entrance of the building. Once you stand in the foyer, staring at the row of small mailboxes, the apartment number bounces back into your brain.

“It’s #1117!” You declare, happy at your brain’s ability to recall such a fact.

“Great, let’s go,” Seonghwa says while walking towards the elevator, pressing the button.

The foyer is silent as the two of you wait for the elevator to come down. You bounce on the balls of your feet a little, your nerves getting the best of you. You’re worried about Seonghwa, you’re worried about someone seeing that tape and his secret getting out and you’re still dealing with the fact your mind won’t drop mental images that it shouldn’t be thinking about.

In the elevator, Seonghwa exhales slowly. It is the only sign of tension brewing in him. You marvel at how calm and collected he is. If you were in this situation, there would be no chance of being in control. You’re barely in control of your emotions now, dealing with something that technically would have no impact on your life.

The doors glide open and Seonghwa marches down the quiet hallway. His steps are muffled against the carpet, coming to a stop in front of San and Yeosang’s apartment. He rings the doorbell but there is no reply. He tries again. Nothing.

“Maybe they really have gone to the club already,” You suggest.

In response, Seonghwa bangs his fist against the door before resting his hand against the wood, closing his eyes. You can feel the energy crackling off him, just like that moment in the break room the other day - that same sensation of him wrangling himself under control, shoving his real self into a small box and tying it up with a bow.

“Do you know what club they go to?”

“Yeah. It’s nearby.”

“Let’s go.” He turns around to return to the elevator.

“Wait,” You hurry after Seonghwa, “We’re just going to go to the club and what?”

“Ask where the tape is. If it’s in the apartment, I’m going to ask for San to get it for me. If he still has it on him, I’ll just ask for it back.”

“How are you going to explain why you need it so badly without…you know.”

The elevator arrives and he steps inside. “I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when we get there.”

You stand next to him, feeling the warmth off his body. He’s wearing a form fitting white sweater today due to the temperature and you cannot help but notice how it lays across his chest. His black jeans are also snug against his slender waist. It is difficult to look at him and not picture the images of him on the beach and in the bedroom. Cheeks getting warm, you stare steadfastly ahead at the elevator doors, which finally open to release you from the ever growing tension.

Back outside, Seonghwa is hurriedly walking back to the car. The sun has fully dipped below the horizon now, the last strands of dying daylight long gone. You cross your arms, the cold seeping into the fabric of your hoodie.

“Seonghwa,” You say tentatively as he reaches the car, “Do you wanna talk about it now? Since Rupaul isn’t playing, I mean.”

“I really don’t.”

“I don’t want to make things awkward between us.”

His hand, hovering over the handle of the car door, drops back to his side. His eyes are on you, focused in a way they haven’t been since the news of the tape landing in San’s hands were uttered to him. You suddenly feel exposed.

Seonghwa crosses the small gap in a couple of seconds, looking at you intensely. “What do you want to talk about exactly? You want to discuss something, surely, and I don’t think that it is about your apology.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” You mumble quickly, balking at the way his eyes tear through your defenses.

“You want to know more about the tape? You want to know what I do in my spare time?”

“N-no!” You lie, “No, I just didn’t want this to mess up anything between us.”

Seonghwa shakes his head, pulling away from you and exhaling slowly before he loses his cool. “There isn’t time to sit and chat about everything. Can you please just get in the car and tell me where this club San goes to is?”

You nod silently and Seonghwa turns around, getting into the car. Rooted to the spot for a moment, your heart thrumming in your chest, you try to ignore that little voice in your head – a voice entirely new, one that you don’t know what to do with.

What if you stopped getting yourself back in control, Seonghwa? What would that look like? I want to see what it looks like. I want to see what the real you is and I want to keep pressing against that exterior until it cracks.

You’ve never dealt with such a desire before. It is as if a giant dog is tugging you along on a leash and you can’t pull it back. You can dig your heels against the pavement, yank on the leash and beg for the dog to stop but it doesn’t work. The little voice in your head, the centre of your curiosity about Seonghwa mixed with your attraction to him, is a dangerous thing.

Perhaps it isn’t just Seonghwa who is always struggling to remain cool, calm and collected in every situation. Maybe you’re not so different from him.

Twenty minutes later, Seonghwa is parking at the club San frequents. The place is crowded with a line snaking around the outside of the building. Seonghwa stares at the line quietly after turning off the car. You know what he is thinking – time is important and he isn’t going to waste it waiting in a long line with the risk of the bouncer saying no. His fingers are curled lightly around the steering wheel, his brows furrowed together in concentration.

“What’s the plan? You gonna gank someone’s VIP pass?” You joke lightly.

He shifts, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and opening it. His fingers glide across the bills inside as he counts them quickly before looking in your direction. “How much cash do you have on you?”

“What?”

“I’ll pay you back,” Seonghwa says impatiently, “We’re just going to bribe the bouncer and skip the line.”

“Is – is that allowed?”

“No.”

“Oh. Uhm,” You fish your wallet out of your bag. “I have a hundred bucks.”

“Great, and I have two hundred,” He holds out his hand, wiggling his fingers at you.

“Wait, we’re going to give the bouncer three hundred dollars?” You ask incredulously.

“No, we’re going to start with a hundred and go from there,” Seonghwa explains, “They might be content with that. Your money is last resort.” When you hesitate, he sighs. “I told you, I’m good for it. I’ll pay you back immediately. I’ll pay you back tonight. As soon as I get the tape. Don’t start wiggin out on me now.”

“I am not wiggin out,” You say defensively, “I just have never bribed someone before.”

“Technically, I’m bribing. You’re merely watching.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, an awkward silence settles across the car. Seonghwa neatly averts his gaze, pretending to be fascinated with the money in his wallet. You swallow hard, unable to stop yourself from thinking about the tape.

You thrust the money at him which he takes with a mumbled thanks before getting out of the car. You look down at your hoodie and work pants, unable to recall if this place has a dress code or not. Probably, given the long line. You sigh, opening the car door and trailing after Seonghwa.

He stops at one point, looking over his shoulder at you. “Are you comfortable pretending we’re on a date?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m going to bribe the bouncer under the guise that I’m trying to impress you. Can I put my arm around you when we get up there? I won’t do anything else.”

“How do you come up with this shit?” You say without thinking, “The entire night, you just seamlessly come up with these ideas and lies and stories.” Every interaction we’ve had before tonight has been pleasant and normal to the point where I thought you were attractive but a little boring, is what you don’t add on to the sentence, and now I’m seeing all sorts of sides to you I never thought lurked inside.

Seonghwa ignores the question, instead asking one of his own. “Are you comfortable with me putting my arm around your waist?”

“Yeah, fine,” You mumble although the idea of him touching your body is making your skin warm.

“Alright. Try not to look so nervous.”

Seonghwa walks towards the club with a confidence you cannot hope to possibly mimic. Gone is the easy going attitude he carries at work. Instead, he acts as though he owns the place and is merely popping by to give it a look. His arm circles around your waist as the bouncer comes into view. You can hear people complaining about him cutting the line but Seonghwa doesn’t pay them any attention.

His arm around your waist is distracting in an agonizing way. Every nerve in your body has awakened to him and the desire is dizzying. As you approach the bouncer, Seonghwa nods his head in the man’s direction, extending his hand outward and slipping the hundred dollars in his palm.

“How’s it hangin?” Seonghwa asks casually, pulling you closer against him.

The bouncer glances quickly down at the money and replies evenly, “Could be better.”

Another hundred dollars is given and the bouncer pretends to study his clipboard and nods, moving to the side. “You’re on the list. Have a good night.”

Seonghwa nods, guiding you past him and into the club. On the way in, he brings his lips close to your ear and murmurs, “See? Didn’t even need your cash.”

You’re feeling slightly in awe of the Seonghwa on display tonight – gone is the fake work personality, just someone tackling the situation at hand in whatever way would work best even if it included lying. His arm is still around your waist, his body angled at a slight slant as he leads you through the crowd of people and onto the main dance floor.

The music is loud, cramming your skull immediately as a crush of people squeeze against Seonghwa and yourself. The flickering lights dance over Seonghwa’s hair as his grip tightens on your waist so the two of you don’t get separated. He pulls you along until he finds an alcove, releasing his hold and facing you.

“Do you know where they’d be?” He shouts.

“The dance floor! San always talks about dancing a lot when he’s here!” You yell back.

Seonghwa scowls. “I fucking hate clubs!”

Your hand reaches for his, pulling him out of the alcove and towards the main dance floor while This Is Your Night blasts so loudly that you can feel it vibrate along your bones. Wiggling through the vast swarm of people, you successfully make your way to the main dance floor. It is impossible to find San in the crush of people. Seonghwa tugs on your hand, getting your attention while pointing to a large staircase leading to the second floor.

You nod and he takes the lead, quickly lost in a sea of gauzy club clothes in colours that could cause someone’s retinas to bleed, seeing more cleavage and mini dresses than you thought possible in one space. Your hoodie and work pants and lack of high heels have you receiving a few confused glances as Seonghwa works his way through the crowd.

Of course, you also notice that Seonghwa is attracting a lot of attention in his own way. No one seems to care that his outfit isn’t club attire in the same way they cared about yours. While making your way up the stairs, you can hear giggles follow as people check Seonghwa out. This sparks an intense irritation in your chest for reasons you can’t fully explain.

Standing on one of the stairs, you gaze out across the dance floor, squinting to try to spot San or Wooyoung. Someone bangs into your side, cursing at you standing there. Seonghwa turns around sharply, glowering at the woman with such an intensity that she scampers up the rest of the stairs, wobbling on her strappy sandals with huge heels. His hand is on your lower back protectively.

“We are standing right on the stairs,” You shout at him.

“I don’t care,” He says crossly, “They can move around us. The staircase is huge.”

Seonghwa’s gaze is steady on yours and for a few seconds, time seems to stretch out. The music becomes background noise, his hand against your back, his body facing yours. He has one strand of hair that has come out of place, betraying his inner turmoil that he has been attempting to hide all night.

You bring your hand upwards, pushing his hair back into place before you can stop yourself. He reaches for you, fingers gently wrapping around your wrist. Your breath catches, thrown off by his touch and the intensity of his stare. For a brief second, you think it is finally going to happen – the fissures that have formed in Seonghwa’s carefully constructed polite personality are going to shatter –

But then, over his shoulder, you spot San weaving his way away from the bar, holding two drinks over his head, heading towards a small table where Wooyoung is.

“I found them!” You exclaim and the moment passes as Seonghwa looks over his shoulder, eyes narrowing as he spots San.

He swiftly turns around to head back down the stairs, holding onto your hand again. His impatience is exposed through the way he practically shoves his way through the crowd. The time the grumbles are not of admiration but of annoyance. Seonghwa doesn’t seem to care.

San’s eyes widen when he spots you and one eyebrow raises at the sight of Seonghwa holding your hand. Suddenly embarrassed, you pull your hand away from him although Seonghwa doesn’t seem to notice. He’s on a mission and only one thing is on his mind.

The print on San’s shirt defies logic and reasoning, distantly reminding you of a Taco Bell you stepped into a few weeks ago. Paired with even more colourful pants, you are unsure how it took this long to spot him in the crowd.

“What are you two doing here?” San exclaims loudly.

Without preamble, Seonghwa goes, “I need the Scream tape back.”

“You came all this way for that?” He asks confused.

Wooyoung slides out of the small booth he was occupying, plucking the drink out of San’s hand. Tonight, he’s wearing a nylon dark pink button up with three of the buttons undone, exposing his tanned chest. His pants are so tight that you aren’t sure how he even got into them.

Wooyoung waves at you and goes, “Who is your friend?”

“New coworker,” San exclaims over the music before turning his attention back to Seonghwa. “I don’t have it. I gave it to Yeosang when I got home and he took it with him when he left.”

Seonghwa’s hands flex at his sides, a motion only you notice. “Where is he?”

“I think he’s out with Mingi and Jongho tonight. They were gonna watch the movie at Mingi’s place. We were going to meet them there later.”

“Where is he now?” Seonghwa grinds out between clenched teeth.

San is picking up on the tension, glancing at you but your expression gives nothing away. “Is everything alright? Why do you need the tape back so badly?”

“I’ll explain later. I just need it back tonight,” Seonghwa replies.

Wooyoung, who has been silent this entire conversation, his eyes bouncing between the two men, throws his arm around San’s shoulders while pointing at Seonghwa, still holding his drink. “Who is this guy? I like him. He gets right to the point. He’s very money, you know what I mean?”

You interrupt quickly. “It’s to do with me, San. Please don’t ask any questions.”

It’s a lie, of course, but you know San will respect your request. You can feel Seonghwa’s eyes flick to you for a second.

“Yeah, it’s no problem. I don’t mean to be pushy. Yeosang is at the minigolf course. The one with the big wizard in the middle, you know it?”

“I do, yeah. Thanks for the help.”

“It’s all good,” San replies.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna hang?” Wooyoung asks Seonghwa, “We’re just getting started here.”

“I appreciate the offer but we gotta bounce. Nice meeting you.” Seonghwa is already turning away, eyes darting towards the exit.

You give the two men a small wave and then it is back to being smushed in the crowd, wiggling through the writhing bodies as the music pulsates around you. You’re walking behind Seonghwa, his hand searching for yours so the two of you don’t get separated. Your fingers curl around his and you find yourself studying the curve of his neck, the way his shoulders look in his sweater. From this angle, you can just make out the muscles underneath the tight fabric.

Seonghwa glances over his shoulder to make sure you’re alright. You can’t read his gaze; something shifts behind it, ever changing and unfolding. In that moment, it feels as if you’ve known him forever, in a thousand different locations across a thousand different universes.

Back into the night air, Seonghwa turns to face you. “Do you know what minigolf course San was talking about?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Great, come on.” He takes off across the parking lot towards the car. His back is illuminated by the neon from the sign of the club, dousing him in a bright blue that his hair soaks up.

You follow, catching up with him as Seonghwa asks, “What are you gonna tell San when he asks why you needed the tape?”

“I don’t know. I just said that because I knew he would drop it.”

“Well, you bought us time,” He remarks, opening the door to the car, “Tell me how to get to the minigolf course.”

Back in the passenger seat, you can still feel the tension rolling off Seonghwa. Unable to help yourself, you try to reassure him. “We’ll find Yeosang there. I’m sure he will have the tape on him. It’s nearby too.”

Seonghwa brushes off your words. “Just tell me how to get there.”

It takes fifteen minutes to get to the minigolf course. A large garish wizard hat juts out of the centre of the course, covered in purple lights to make it glow. There is an assortment of other tacky objects sticking upwards – palm trees, a poorly made replica of the leaning tower of Pisa, a UFO that used to rotate five years ago but has since broken down and not been repaired.

Seonghwa gazes at the sight through the windshield, clearly assessing the situation before getting out of the car. You take off after him, fighting the urge to grab his hand. It made sense in the club, not here.

As you approach the entrance, the sound of top 40 radio plays loudly over speakers. Seonghwa bypasses the ticket booth completely, instead opting to head directly onto the course. But a bored looking employee glances up from the magazine he’s reading and gets to his feet quickly.

“Whoa, hey there, homeslice. I need to see the ticket.” He extends his hand out to Seonghwa.

“I’m not playing,” He says quickly, “I just am getting something from a friend.”

“Sure, I can just let anyone pass by without a ticket,” The man rolls his eyes, “No ticket, no entrance.”

“It’ll take less than five minutes,” Seonghwa protests, the agitation at being so close and so far starting to get to him.

You hover by his side and quietly go, “Seonghwa, let’s just go buy a ticket.”

“I don’t want to buy a ticket. The ticket is for playing minigolf and I’m not playing,” He grinds out, staring at the attendant, “So, just let me in.”

The attendant, who is stuck wearing an ugly polyester blue button up, looks positively thrilled at finally having something interesting happening. “No can do, dude,” He says gleefully.

You grab Seonghwa’s upper arm, briefly distracted by the firm muscles underneath, before carting him away from the entrance. While gesturing to the ticket booth, you go, “Let’s just buy a ticket. Do you really wanna throw down with the guy working the minigolf course? We won’t get to Yeosang that way.”

“I don’t care,” He says stubbornly, “He’s being an asshole.”

Your irritation gets the best of you. “If you could wrangle your repressed anger under control for two seconds –”

“My what?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Seonghwa. The entire night, you’ve been furious at me and just won’t say it. So, you just shove everything down and ignore it and pretend you’re so calm and collected but you’re not –”

Seonghwa takes a step towards you. His demeanor is icy cold now. “Not everything is about you,” He replies in a tone that could frost over a window, “As much as you want it to be.”

Your eyes narrow. “What the hell does that mean?”

“If I’ve been repressing anger all night, you’ve been holding back too. The multiple attempts to steer the conversation back to how sorry you are, how you found the tape, how little you watched of it.” Another step closer, close enough to touch now. “Why don’t you stop bullshitting and just admit you wanna ask me questions about the tape and what I do in my spare time?”

You hadn’t thought it was that obvious. Seonghwa striking the centre of your heart with his accusation makes your breath catch. You can’t bring yourself to reply.

“The tape not only has me on it but also my ex. It violates her privacy for anyone else to see it, not just mine. That’s the most important thing going on right now, not you having some sort of sexual awakening at seeing a few minutes of it.”

You make a strangled noise in the back of your throat, knowing Seonghwa is correct but also feeling exposed at the same time. He stalks off past you, going towards the ticket booth. The employee at the entrance is gawking at the two of you although he didn’t hear anything said.

“You and your boyfriend are pretty intense,” He says over the din of top forty music.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” You mumble, looking over your shoulder at Seonghwa.

Seonghwa is smiling casually at the person working the ticket booth. All earlier signs of irritation are wiped clean from his beautiful face. He is chatting as though he doesn’t have a care in the world. Was I really that obvious? Or is he just that good at reading people? You are embarrassed but manage to make your facial expression look as placid as possible when Seonghwa returns to you.

“Ready?” He asks as if the two of you hadn’t just been at each other’s throats a couple of minutes ago.

After you nod, Seonghwa thrusts the tickets at the attendant who takes them in an over the top gesture and tacks on, “Have a good night!”

Entering the minigolf course, you stop to grab one of the little putters. Seonghwa notices and drawls, “Really?”

You hand it off to him. “Yes, really. You wanna blend in or look like the weird guy stalking across a golf course?”

He takes it, holding it daintily with his long fingers while studying it. “You were right. About the ticket. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

You’re holding your own putter now, staring at him. “I know. I wouldn’t think clearly in your situation either.”

Seonghwa looks at you for a long moment. You get the sense he wants to say more but he gives a small shake of his head, turning his attention back to the course. “Come on. We’ll just start at the first hole and wander around until you spot them.”

The next ten minutes are spent navigating the busy course which includes a moment where Seonghwa ducks to avoid a little kid swinging the putter and another where you almost lose your footing and awkwardly trip off a tiny fake bridge. There are a few questioning glances shot in your direction as the two of you bypass playing completely while you try to spot Yeosang.

Finally, near the gigantic wizard hat, you spot him along with who you assume is Mingi and Jongho. Yeosang, in baggy jeans and an oversized green hoodie, looks to be talking very animatedly with a tall man who is wildly gesturing. The other man is watching them with an amused expression on his face as if it is a very funny TV show.

“There they are.” You nudge Seonghwa to get his attention. “Are you doing the talking or am I?”

“You start and I’ll follow. Yeosang is familiar with you and doesn’t know me.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

You cut across a particularly ugly ice cream cone that is the centre of hole number ten and call out Yeosang’s name. He looks up in surprise but waves when he sees you.

“Wassup? Didn’t know you like minigolfing,” He says as you and Seonghwa stop in front of the group. “Mingi and I were just having a disagreement about how many hits he took to get the ball in the hole.”

The tall man, who is dressed entirely in acid wash denim, protests. “It was four strokes. You’re saying five and that’s not true.”

The other guy, who must be Jongho, goes, “Can we please move on? I want to get an Icee.”

“In this temperature?” Mingi asks, momentarily distracted.

Jongho tugs on his long sleeve, wearing a plaid dress shirt with all the buttons undone, a black t-shirt underneath, topped off with a simple pair of jeans. “It isn’t that cold in this.”

Seonghwa, who is already radiating an intense energy that will be overflowing at any second, swiftly interrupts, “Sorry, but I was talking to San and he said you had the Scream tape?”

Yeosang nods. “Yeah, it’s in my bag. Oh! You must be the coworker he is borrowing it from?”

“That’s right. I just need to see it for a second please.”

“Sure,” He turns around, scooping his bag off the ground which it had been unceremoniously dumped on and pulls out the tape, handing it to Seonghwa. “There you go.”

“Thanks so much,” Seonghwa replies calmly.

He immediately pries his fingers into the slots and begins to unspool the tape, wildly tugging it out onto the ground. Everyone, including yourself, falls silent, watching as Seonghwa then drops the plastic shell onto the ground and begins to take the putter to it. His hair falls out of place as he beats the shit out of the VHS tape with the putter, the shell cracking from the sheer force at which he strikes it.

“This dude is wacked,” Mingi mumbles.

“I heard Scream was a good movie,” Jongho says, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Guess we won’t find out now,” Yeosang replies dryly, “I suppose we’re watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 tonight.”

Seonghwa exhales, his cheeks puffing out while doing so, tossing the putter to the ground while scooping up the remains of the VHS tape. He runs his fingers through his hair although it doesn’t fix it.

“Thanks guys. Have a good night.” Seonghwa says as if he just didn’t go postal in the middle of the minigolf course.

He glances at you before taking off back the way he came. You give an apologetic look at Yeosang, unsure what to say and settling on nothing. Following Seonghwa, who is still holding onto what little of the tape remained, with the cheery pop music playing over the sound of laughter and people talking, you aren’t sure if speaking right now would help him. Does he need comfort? Is he relieved? He showed no hesitation in destroying the tape immediately. Had that been his plan the entire night?

Luckily for the attendant working the entrance, the exit loops around the other side of the course, taking you both into the parking lot before Seonghwa can start bickering with him again. He drops the pieces of the plastic casing into the nearest trash can although he is still holding the film, wrapping it carefully around his slender fingers.

“Seonghwa,” You say tentatively and he stops, looking over at you.

In the lights of the parking lot, Seonghwa is a slim figure with his black hair glowing. His breathing is slightly uneven, his features not nearly as collected as they’ve been all night. There is something raw wiggling underneath the surface of his composure, something you desperately want to touch.

“I’ll take you back to your place now,” He says roughly, “Come on.”

You don’t know what to reply with so you merely nod. A few minutes later, the car is pulling out of the parking lot and back onto the main road. You quietly tell Seonghwa how to get to your apartment from here. The tape is in his lap, the film nestled like a snake in between his thighs. You wonder what he will do with it. Set it on fire, maybe. He seems intent on destroying it completely. You understand why but still feel a pain of regret in your chest. There would be no viewing the rest of the tape now.

You suddenly feel very tired. Between work and the entire events of the sex tape, you’re ready to crawl in bed and sleep in tomorrow. You lean back in the seat, staring idly out the window. The radio is playing music quietly and Seonghwa doesn’t say a word. You still get the sense he is wrangling himself in. Does he do that all the time? Why bother? Why shield yourself from people to the extent he does? You see his smile from the tape in your mind once again. To your surprise, you feel a spark of jealousy buried in your chest. His ex got to see the real Seonghwa while you’ve been seeing his façade. You want to know him like that. You want to touch him like that.

The silent admission to yourself is unsettling. It’s been ages since you’ve wanted someone. Your attraction to Seonghwa earlier this week seems easier to digest when you thought your personalities wouldn’t be compatible. But his words outside the minigolf course were correct – those few minutes of him on your TV screen are making something deep inside you stir.

The streetlights swim lazily across Seonghwa as he drives silently. They blend in with his white sweater before appearing on his tanned skin, small pools of light that travel over his body before eventually being lost behind the car.

When he parks at your apartment complex, he goes, “I’ll walk you to your door.”

This time, you don’t refuse. Back into the cold air, you stop at the outskirts of the pool near the staircase to the second floor.

“Seonghwa,” You say again, your hand resting against the cold metal of the banister, “Now that you got the tape, and everything is sorted out, I really –”

“Don’t,” He says swiftly, “You’re going to apologize again. It isn’t your fault. I already told you that.”

“I know what you said,” You are two steps up on the staircase, looking slightly down at Seonghwa, whose hand is inches from yours on the banister, “But outside of the golf course…”

“Was I too harsh?”

“I just don’t understand why you’re pretending all the time,” You say after a beat of silence, “When I met you earlier this week, you were pleasant enough. But it’s obvious that isn’t what you’re really like. Just the few minutes of the tape showed that to me. And I’ve caught it once or twice before, at work, when you are obviously shoving your real self back down. Throughout tonight, I’ve seen glimpses of who you actually are – the quick lying, the flashes of irritation, your nerves at someone seeing the tape…I just don’t understand why you hide it everywhere but on a VHS tape.”

There. You said what you’ve been thinking the whole night. Seonghwa’s face doesn’t change the entire time you speak. But you aren’t fooled by it anymore.

Seonghwa places his feet on the first step of the staircase. He’s extremely close to you now; his body’s warmth seeps into your skin. You fight the urge to place your hands against his chest to pull on his sweater so that he will kiss you.

You aren’t sure what his reply was going to be but you aren’t prepared for the way his voice drops to almost a murmur. “You’re really intrigued about the tape, aren’t you? I wonder what makes you so curious. It is the idea of letting the camera see all of you for who you truly are? Is it just the idea of fucking and recording it that you find so compelling? Maybe both.”

You’ve gone still, frozen in surprise at the words leaving his mouth. He leans forward, his lips so close to your ear that your heart skips a beat. “Do you regret turning the tape off when you did? Your conscience prevailed; you did the morally right thing in a few minutes. Others would have watched the entire thing. But some part of you wishes it kept it running so you could watch me fuck my ex, listen to what we talked about. You know, I was so focused on getting rid of the tape, I don’t even know what one this one contains. We filmed so many,” He lingers on the last word as your brain fills up with mental images of tape after tape of Seonghwa, “What happened in the first few minutes of the tape?”

Shakily, you manage to whisper, “You were on a beach. And then in a diner. Finally, a hotel room.”

You don’t see Seonghwa smile but you can feel it, like an arrow in the dark, so fast that the sensation is gone in a second. “The vacation tape,” He pauses and continues, “I prefer being on film. Being seen. I feel comfortable and at ease. The camera misses nothing. The lens cuts through everything. All the noise and the bullshit. It isn’t about watching it back later. It isn’t about sharing it. I fill a tape, shove it in the collection. Destroy them when the relationship ends. Rinse and repeat. It’s about capturing that one moment and putting it on film. Everything when the camera isn’t on feels like bullshit. I feel like bullshit.”

“Why?”

Seonghwa shakes his head. “Dunno. Just always have. I only exist when the camera is on. Otherwise, I can’t be myself. Been that way forever. I’ll ask you again – did you regret turning the tape off?”

It doesn’t even enter your mind to lie. “Yes.”

“You wanted to watch me fuck my ex? Or did you want to be on that tape with me?”

Your body is growing hot all over. You wish Seonghwa would touch you. His hand is so close to yours that you would settle for him just to brush his fingers against your skin.

“Yes,” You whisper so quietly that if he weren’t so close to you, it would have been impossible to hear. You aren’t even sure what question you’re answering. Maybe it is both.

But Seonghwa pulls away abruptly then. With his warmth gone, it feels like a hole has opened in your chest. He runs his fingers through his hair but you take note of the slightly uneven way he is breathing. You want to grab him, see him for who he really is with no pretenses, have the camera lens on his body while he –

“I need to get home. I won’t be able to relax until I finish destroying the film,” His eyes trail along your body quickly and it feels deeply personal to have Seonghwa look at you in such a manner, “Goodnight.”

You don’t want him to go. You want him to follow you to your apartment and fuck you silly. But he turns around and in a couple of seconds, he has rounded the corner, leaving you alone with your thoughts, your desires and the briefest glimmer of the man Seonghwa truly is.

Monday, October 13th, 1997

“You gonna explain why Seonghwa opened up a can of whoop-ass on a VHS tape in the middle of a minigolf course on Saturday night or am I not privy to that information?”

You stifle a groan, unable to duck and dodge San any longer. You had yesterday off, which didn’t end up being as fun as it sounded, due to the fact all you did was lay in bed running the events of Saturday night over and over in your head.

And you still hadn’t come up with any sort of realistic story to tell San about the tape especially since Seonghwa had opted to destroy it with a minigolf putter.

“It’s complicated,” You finally settle on.

San’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “Complicated? Should I be concerned about your little work crush? Could he be a little…unwell?”

“He’s not unwell,” You say defensively, “It’s just complicated. Can you just drop it, please? It was his tape, after all.”

“Just makes no sense. You said the situation had to do with you. But why did Seonghwa go postal on the tape like that?”

You’re starting to get a headache. You’ve had way too much coffee before coming into work and your nerves are frazzled between the idea of seeing Seonghwa and how much time you’ve spent analyzing his words to you Saturday night before he left. Yes you told him on the staircase, yes you wanted to watch the entire tape, yes you wanted to see him have sex with his ex and yes, you wanted to be on film with him. A jarring admission, one that you’re still grappling with.

“San, my break ended a few minutes ago. Just please, for the sake of our friendship, I’m asking you to drop the entire thing.”

He holds his hands up in a gesture of innocence. “Fine. Consider it dropped. However, it is not forgotten.”

“I’ll take it, thanks,” You reply, heading quickly to the exit. “Listen, I’ll help you with inventory sometime this week, okay?”

“You’re just sucking up to me.”

“Yes, but you hate inventory,” You fire back over your shoulder.

“I do so I’ll accept it!” He calls after you.

Back in the store, you meander your way towards to the women’s clothing department. Part of you is desperate to run into Seonghwa while the other part is dreading it. What do you even say to him? Just a simple hello? How can you look him in the face knowing his entire personality is carefully curated bullshit to hide who he really is? How can you talk to him after what he said to you last night? How can you hold a conversation when you are so desperate to have him?

You end up avoiding the shortcut through the men’s clothing section. Even so, your eyes carefully scan the area for any sight of him among the racks of ugly dresses and t-shirts. Once you’re safely in the dressing rooms, reorganizing and cleaning out the mess people leave behind, you relax slightly.

You wanted to watch me fuck my ex? Or did you want to be on that tape with me?

Seonghwa’s words bang around in your brain no matter how much you try to push them away. Even as you go through the motions of work, your mind lingers on how warm his body was so close to yours on the stairs, the low timber of his voice in your ear, and how he saw through you and all your pretenses.

In fact, you’re so swept up in work and your thoughts, that you don’t realize Seonghwa is in the dressing room area until he says your name. Flinching in surprise, you look over your shoulder.

He stands there in his blue work vest, his arms so full of clothes that it looks like they could spill onto the floor at any second. Seonghwa’s face is beautifully impassive. You get the sense he has also been avoiding you.

“Wanted to drop off all the women’s clothes that ended up in the men’s dressing rooms before my shift ends,” He explains in a clipped tone.

“Right. Thanks.” You move closer, trying to take the clothes from him.

But there is simply too much and a good portion falls onto the floor. Your hands brush against his in the mess of fabric, sending your heart racing so quickly that it almost makes your chest hurt. Seonghwa is staring at you through his long lashes although his eyes dart away when yours meet his.

You manage to wrangle a good chunk of the clothes away, tossing it onto the small table at the end of the hallway that you use to organize them. “You can just dump the rest here.”

Seonghwa does so and then an awkward silence settles across the empty dressing rooms. The store closes in ten minutes. You didn’t think you’d be seeing Seonghwa at all today. We filmed so many he had whispered, teasing you with the mental images of whatever lurked on those tapes.

“Do you want any help?” He offers.

“I got it, thanks,” You say quickly, knowing the longer he stands next to you, the higher chance there is at the conversation going sideways.

His fingers are touching one of the t-shirts, his expression unfocused. “I wanted to apologize.”

You hesitate and then go, “For what?”

“I was pretty…intense Saturday night. I also talked to you out of line at the end there,” He swallows, staring at the pile of clothes as if they were a fascinating creature, “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

You feel stuck. It would be simpler to accept the apology and put the entire thing in the past. But a much larger part of you has shifted since discovering what Seonghwa is really like, brought to life by his words and the images on the tape, growing louder every passing moment. It is difficult to ignore these new feelings inside your chest.

“It’s all good. It was a stressful situation. I think it would make anyone start trippin although San is asking questions and I have nothing to tell him. It is a little harder to come up with a story when you…beat the shit out of the tape in front of everyone.”

“Yeah,” He looks at you sheepishly. “I lost my cool for a sec.”

“Cracked your pleasant exterior there,” You joke quietly.

His lips twist up into a smile for a brief second. You’re feeling hot all over, knowing it would be far easier just to let the conversation stop here. Easier to return to the way things were before the tape. Let Seonghwa be a work crush and nothing else.

“But, uhm,” You pick up a shirt, carefully folding it so that you don’t have to look at him, “I didn’t mind how you talked to me. At the end of the night.”

Seonghwa’s breathing changes slightly, something you wouldn’t have noticed a few days ago. But it is as if viewing the tape, learning about who he is and spending Saturday night with him has synced you up to Seonghwa in a new way.

“Is that right?” He finally replies, his voice even and without emotion.

“Yeah, I’ve been…thinking about what you said,” Your voice trembles slightly, betraying your nerves.

Seonghwa moves ever so slightly closer to you. Relief swoops through your body at his close proximity. “What about it?” He murmurs.

You take in a small breath and go, “I was thinking about asking you to come over. Tomorrow night.”

He hesitates for a small second. “To your place?”

“Yeah. I mean. If you’d want.” You are a mixture of anxiety and desire.

But you push through it to look at Seonghwa’s face. You recognize the expression this time – he is teying to maintain his calm exterior, aware that he is at work and in a public setting.

“Should I bring anything?” He asks in a forced nonchalant voice.

Your grip tightens on the shirt. After spending all day trying to dodge Seonghwa, you can’t believe how you’re cracking after a couple of minutes around him. But perhaps avoiding him was your own way of denying what you wanted.

“Maybe your camera,” You say with forced casualness.

But the words seem to crack Seonghwa. He moves closer to you, just as close as the time on the staircase. In a strangled voice, he goes, “You’re not making fun of me, are you?”

Surprised, you exclaim, “What? No, not at all.”

His hand reaches out for you but then thinks better of it. Falling back to his side, he flexes his fingers. His voice drops to a whisper. “I work a closing tomorrow but I’ll come over afterwards.”

You’re done work at five tomorrow which gives you plenty of time to get ready for…whatever you’re getting into. Seonghwa’s gaze is heavy, his energy buzzing. You want to push him, crack him open fully so that you can experience what he is like without any barriers…and maybe you want the same thing for yourself too. You want to know what it would be like being stripped away of all things you carefully hide behind without even realizing it. You just didn’t know that such a thing was so desired until you saw Seonghwa on that tape.

You nod, wanting to say more but nerves getting the best of you. He pulls away, trying to control his breathing. There is a slight flush of colour creeping up his neck. You get a vivid mental image of being on top of him, your hands against his chest, taking him fully inside you –

Quickly, you look away, afraid your thoughts might be all over your face. Seonghwa wishes you a goodnight, leaving the dressing rooms quickly before the energy crackles and explodes, spilling out into work.

He works so hard to keep everything separate, after all.

Tuesday, October 14th, 1997

You’re looking out the window of the living room, staring at the unremarkable view. The neon of the Taco Bell sign washes over the street, bathing the cars in the bright colour for a second or two as they drive by. You can just make out the interior, a swirl of pink, blue and purple, like a little lighthouse in the night.

You don’t think you’ve never felt so nervous staring at Taco Bell before.

It’s past ten which means Seonghwa will be here in about twenty minutes. Having invited him on a whim, driven by a combination of lust and curiosity, you’re now dealing with the reality of what you suggested. In asking him to bring his camera, you’ve basically admitted to him and yourself that you want to see what filming together would be like. And while you’re aware that you can change your mind and tell him to forget it once he arrives, the truth of the matter is that you don’t want to do such a thing.

Your attraction to Seonghwa has only been heightened since seeing the tape, and your own sexual exploration seemed to be spilling out of you with a mighty need. As nervous as you feel, you also have no interest in denying it any longer.

You aren’t sure how long you stare out the window, spacing out, but a soft knock at the door startles your thoughts away. Exhaling slowly, you cross the small living room, opening the front door to see Seonghwa standing there.

He’s wearing a very colourful button up tucked into a pair of blue jeans. A bag is slung over his shoulder and his hair is a little messy from the chilly wind. Your heart skips a beat violently at the sight of him.

“Hey. Oh, uh, come in,” You say awkwardly, moving to the side as Seonghwa walks past, “How was work?”

“Fine, the usual. You know how it is. I like your place.”

You blink. “Really? I don’t think it’s anything exciting.”

He glances over his shoulder. “Well, I didn’t say it was exciting. I just like how comfortable it looks.”

“Thanks. How are you doing with unpacking your own place?”

Seonghwa places the bag on the coffee table while replying, “Besides the mishap with the tape, it has been uneventful.”

He speaks of the tape so candidly now although given the circumstances, why wouldn’t he?

“Did you and your ex live together long?” It no longer felt awkward to mention his last relationship – so much is different now with Seonghwa.

“We did although that seemed to be our undoing. Only lasted a few months after we moved in together,” He replies while turning to face you. “For the sake of honesty, I haven’t been with anyone else since my relationship ended. Does that bother you?”

“No because I haven’t either. I find those things…distracting. I just was focusing on work and other things in my life.”

“Am I a distraction?”

“What?”

He repeats himself.

Your cheeks grow warm. “I mean – technically, yes.”

Seonghwa is fighting off a smile. You can tell by the way he tilts his face away from your direction to look at your TV.

“Do you want anything to drink?” You offer.

“Just some water is fine, thanks.”

“Alright. Uh, please sit down. Don’t feel like you need to stand there.”

You scamper out of the living room, wishing your nerves would settle. Now that he is here, you feel scattered. Your attraction to him has grown tenfold in the last few days and you can’t remember the last time you’ve wanted someone this much.

Returning with a couple of glasses of water, you sit down next to Seonghwa on the couch. Desperate to fill the silence, you turn on the TV, immediately blasted with a Surge ad.

“Listen,” Seonghwa says after a few minutes, “We don’t have to do anything tonight. I don’t want you to think I went into anything with expectations.”

Hurriedly, you reply, “I know that.”

“I understand you’re curious because the concept is new to you. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to be into it.”

You turn to face him, your fingers wrapped around your glass of water. Seonghwa tilts his head in your direction.

“I am curious,” You say quickly, “And I don’t really understand why. I’ve never thought about something like that until I saw those few minutes of the tape. And I…” You swallow, feeling shy. “Well, I only think about it with you. I was attracted to you right away but…you seemed so…nice. As if there wasn’t a lot going on underneath the surface. So, I assumed the attraction would never deepen. But after I saw the tape…I felt like I saw you.”

“And?” He prompts.

“And I was intrigued. At you. At the idea of filming stuff like that. The idea of a camera around, catching all these private moments. I started realizing how much you pull yourself under control, how you’re wearing a mask all the time.”

“Everyone wears a mask in public. Most people just don’t realize it.”

“You think I’m realizing it now then?”

“Maybe. I don’t want to speak over your feelings or pretend I know what you’re thinking of. But yes, you’re right about me. I struggle with being vulnerable, being myself. I always switch into this false personality. I don’t even mean to do it.”

“But you don’t do it while recording.”

“That’s right. Something about seeing that little red light on switches it off.”

“And what about…” Your shyness deepens.

“Filming myself having sex?” After you nod, Seonghwa goes, “It just turns me on. Makes sex better. Makes me more relaxed. In that moment of filming, I feel free. Capturing those moments of pleasure…it feels crucial to my enjoyment.”

“Has everyone you’ve been dating into it too?”

“After I realized how much I like it, yeah. When the relationship ends, I destroy all the tapes. Just out of respect. Recording it isn’t really about watching it back anyway. It’s just about that moment of filming the intimacy of it.”

You fall silent, battling more questions and your ever growing desire for Seonghwa. He turns his attention back to the TV, although you get the feeling he really isn’t engrossed in the episode of NYPD Blue playing. Your eyes land on the large bag he brought.

Could you record yourself sleeping with Seonghwa? Knowing that moment would be captured on a tape with him? It’s all you have been thinking about since discovering Seonghwa’s secret. But now that you can make it a reality, your nerves are still battling for dominance.

“Could I see it?” You ask suddenly, “The camera, I mean.”

“Sure,” He replies, leaning forward and pulling the bag towards him.

Unzipping the bag, he pulls out a large and chunky camcorder, resting it in his lap. He runs his fingers along the side where the spot for the tape opens while saying, “I was reading that they’re making these new cameras that are apparently a lot smaller and would be digital, if you could imagine such a thing. Would make filming a lot easier than this heavy thing.”

“So you don’t…hold it during…”

He laughs. “No. I just plop it down on a table or something during sex. But if the digital cameras end up truly becoming a thing, I suppose I could hold it during sex. Or you could,” He immediately realizes what he casually said and looks embarrassed. “Not that I meant – I don’t mean to assume that we would sleep together. Or you would be comfortable filming anything.”

You reach for the camera, grabbing it out of his lap and into your own, studying it. It isn’t as though it’s your first time holding such a thing but it has been a while. “How do you start recording?”

“You insert the tape and then press this button,” He leans closer, showing you where it is located.

You study his face, eyes lingering on his lips. “Where’s the tape?”

Seonghwa meets your gaze for a beat before moving away to retrieve it from the bag. He presses a button, the side popping out so he can insert the VHS tape. Snapping it shut, he says, “Then you can hit record. Each tape can roughly film for two hours.”

You hesitate for a moment before reaching for the camera. Your fingers touch his, an electric vibration that sparks along your skin. You can hear Seonghwa’s breath catch slightly but he relinquishes the camera. You look into the camera’s viewfinder while popping the cover off the lens.

You know what you want – Seonghwa and the exploration the recording will bring. Even though it is something you’ve never thought of until that moment you saw Seonghwa on your TV, with his beautiful smile, toned chest and low voice talking dirty, it seems to have awakened something deep inside you. Something that won’t rest, won’t stop, until you explore your desires.

You press down on the record button, making sure Seonghwa is in frame. You know he can see the red light, aware that you’re recording.

“Tell me about the first time you filmed yourself having sex,” You ask bluntly.

Seonghwa raises an eyebrow although the chuckle he emits makes it clear he isn’t offended. “You interviewing me now?”

“A little.”

“It actually wasn’t my idea, if you can believe it. My girlfriend at the time brought it up to me one night after she noticed how much I liked recording home movies.”

“Did she notice how comfortable you seemed on camera?”

“Yeah, she did. It felt like a natural progression to me like oh, why hadn’t I thought of it? I was always trying to get in front of the camera ever since I can remember. But she was the first one to suggest taking it that far.”

“Were you nervous?”

“No.” Seonghwa looks relaxed now. The tension you hadn’t even realized he carried has now softened, his shoulders are lowered while he leans against the couch, still facing you. His hair grazes against his cheek from the angle. You catch yourself admiring his face, the slope of his nose, how his fingers rest in his lap. “No, I felt comfortable right away. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You ever think about filming yourself having sex before?”

“No, absolutely not.”

“Not until my tape.”

“That’s right.”

“You like filming me?” He asks and after you nod, he goes, “This time, you don’t have to shut it off before it gets to the good part.”

“A little cocky now, don’t you think?”

He gives a casual shrug. This is the Seonghwa you saw on the TV – relaxed, confident, letting each emotion come easily without judgement. This is the Seonghwa you’ve wanted.

You lean back against the couch, the camera still recording in your lap while motioning to the front of the TV. “Why don’t you show me how comfortable you are in front of the camera?” You can hardly believe the words after you say them. I guess it isn’t just Seonghwa who shows new sides of himself to the camera.

But Seonghwa only grins at your request, getting up and standing in front of the TV. He pulls the colourful shirt from the confines of his jeans, his fingers swiftly undoing the buttons to expose a thin white tank top underneath. Your heart rate is already accelerating at the sight of the fabric resting against his taunt stomach.

“Is this what you wanted?” He teases and your thighs clench at the fact you’re hearing that tone of voice being used on you now.

“Don’t be coy.”

Another grin. Yes, Seonghwa is correct – that little red light on from the camera changes him entirely. He shrugs out of the shirt, exposing his shoulders before it falls to the floor. Wearing just the tank top now, he hooks his thumbs into the front of his jeans, staring at you with an expression that looks almost devious.

“What?” You say defensively.

His grin widens. “Nothing. You’re just obvious.”

“What does that mean?”

“Come here and I’ll show you.”

You stand up, holding the heavy camera while ambling towards him. He reaches for the camera, taking it out of your hands and placing it on the top of the TV stand, giving the lens a view of your faces down to just under your shoulders.

After he finishes positioning the camera, Seonghwa turns his attention back to you. He is as close to your body as he was the other night on the stairs. Your breathing is uneven, aware of the camera on you, aware of everything you’ve been secretly thinking about is going to come to fruition.

“See?” He murmurs.

“What?”

Seonghwa smirks while running one finger down along your arm and your body shivers in response. “That. How much you want me.”

“Well, some of us aren’t experts at hiding ourselves all the time,” You counter.

His lips hover just above yours, hands coming up to cup your cheeks. Your body is screaming for Seonghwa, your brain buzzing with need, lips parted in anticipation.

There is no witty retort from him. Instead, Seonghwa kisses you. Softly at first, enough to shake the centre of you. His lips against yours makes you feel slightly delirious as if not realizing you were dying of thirst. The camera’s gaze remains steady on both of you while the kiss continues. His tongue slips past your lips, exploring your mouth so tenderly that your hands hold onto the band of his jeans to steady yourself.

Your whimper is muffled against the kiss, face warm, body responsive to this man you’ve only known for a week – and only truly known for a few days. Seonghwa’s hands are in your hair as yours circle around his small waist, pressing him against your body. He is stiff in his jeans but still his hands travel downward until they rest on your ass, squeezing it. The kiss continues, growing deeper, hungrier, breaking briefly so you can pull off his tank top.

You are pressing your hands against his hard stomach, running up along his chest until curling them around his shoulders, breathless at the sight of him. His skin is warm, inviting, and the sight of him in just his jeans is incredibly sexy.

Seonghwa brings his face to your neck, kissing along there while his grip on your ass tightens. Your eyes flutter closed for a second. The barriers of your clothing are becoming an annoyance now. You want more of him, you want all of him.

When you open your eyes, they land on the camera. A silent observer, missing nothing, no judgement to be found.

“Seonghwa,” You whisper and he stops, pulling away just enough to look at you. His eyes are hazy with lust, lips parted prettily. “Come with me to my room,” You pause for a second before adding, “And bring the camera.”

In your room, the camera is once again propped onto the top of the TV which gives it the perfect angle of the bed. When originally purchasing the second TV at a yard sale, a friend had questioned needing another one. Now, you’re grateful for it – where else would the camera filming the two of you go?

You are still fully dressed, something Seonghwa looks to rectify from the way he gently nudges you into view of the camera while he stands behind you.

His hands are on your waist, skittering upwards until your shirt is pulled off, tossed onto the nearby dresser. In just your bra and sweatpants now, acutely aware of the camera, your breathing grows uneven. Seonghwa’s hands continue to travel, now onto your bra, squeezing your breasts together. He is kissing along your neck once again, his lips a soft whisper along your skin.

He tugs down on the bra, exposing your tits not only to his hands but to the camera as well. The entire thing feels more intimate than any other sexual encounter you’ve had before; the camera adds to the feeling as strange as it sounds in your head.

Seonghwa’s hands are warm. He cups your breasts, thumbs brushing across your nipples. You’re soaking wet, overwhelmed by the desire you’re experiencing for him. He rolls your nipples in between his fingers, pinching them a little, allowing the camera to take in the sight of him groping you like this.

You tilt your face in his direction and his lips find yours once again. You like how Seonghwa tastes in your mouth – it is familiar, almost as if you’ve kissed him before, kissed him a thousand times. When he pulls away, the look in his eyes is heavy, laced with lust and stripped away from any pretenses he usually carried so close to him.

You brush his hands away from your body, instead grabbing him by the waist band of his jeans, moving him closer to the camera on the top of the TV. Unbuttoning his jeans, you rub him through the denim, taking note of the way his breathing catches.

You lean towards the camera, moving it to the shelf underneath the TV, giving the lens a perfect view of you on your knees in front of Seonghwa. You look up at him, unzipping his pants and pulling them down until his boxers are exposed.

The camera can’t catch his facial expression but you can see it – the way he looks at you with his plump lips slightly parted, his eyes dancing across your hands down to your breasts. It isn’t just giving yourself over to him, it’s giving yourself over to the camera too.

Your hands rub against the bulge in his boxers, feeling the warmth through the fabric. Your hands dip into the band of his boxers, pulling it down until his cock springs free. Gently wrapping your hand around him, you bring your tongue across the head, sweeping across it once, twice, three times. Seonghwa exhales slowly while you begin to pump his cock, looking up at him. The camera’s gaze is steady on the two of you, the moment you take his length into your mouth captured on film.

Your tongue presses against the tip of his cock for a few seconds before taking more of him, filling your mouth with his length. Your other hand goes to his balls, fondling them while your tongue presses along the underside of his shaft.

Spurned on by the soft noises of pleasure that escape Seonghwa, you begin to bob on his cock. Sometimes, he pops out of your mouth, the tip of him a sticky sweet mess of your salvia and his precum. It glistens in the low lights before you take him once again, as much as you can. You enjoy the way he fills your mouth, stretches out your lips with his thickness.

Seonghwa’s eyes close, his head rolling back as a guttural groan topples from in between his pink lips before he curses sharply and pulls away. His cock slides out, precum smearing against your cheek.

With a small shake of his head, he goes, “I don’t wanna finish. I want to feel you wrapped around me.”

Seonghwa helps you up, scooping the camera off the shelf and back onto the top of the TV. This time he puts more care into the angle, asking you to sit on the bed while he looks through the viewfinder until he looks pleased with it.

“Look at you, big shot director,” You tease at one point.

He raises his eye from the viewfinder. “Hey, it’s your debut,” Seonghwa says gravely but the twinkle in his eyes makes it evident he’s joking. “Lay sideways on the bed for me, will you?”

“Yes, sir,” You are still poking at him.

When he seems satisfied, Seonghwa circles back to the bed. He crawls up along your body, stopping to remove your sweatpants and underwear. You’re completely naked with him on camera now while his lips travel across your stomach, stopping at your breasts. His tongue flicks over your nipples and he gently bites down on one, tugging on it with his teeth just to hear you gasp.

Seonghwa is skin to skin with you, not an inch in between your bodies as he finally kisses your lips. Your legs curl around his waist urgently, tugging on his bottom lip with your teeth until he groans in response.

It is simple to enter your pussy, having been wet for Seonghwa since he stepped foot inside your apartment. His length fills you swiftly until his hips touches yours. The next kiss is messy, a mixture of muffled moans and whimpers as Seonghwa goes still, allowing you to get used to the sensation of being filled with his cock.

His hands snake up along your arms, gently pinning your hands above your head, just at the edge of the mattress. Almost lazily, Seonghwa rocks his hips. The motion is small, just enough to send shocks of warmth and pleasure through your body. You groan out his name in a plea for him to move faster but he doesn’t obey.

“Sorry, my boo, but I’ve been thinking about this all week and I want to take my time,” Seonghwa declares, your hands entwined together, “I saw the way you looked at me when we first met, saw the disinterest flicker across your face when I drove you home the first time.” He moves his hips, pulling almost completely out of your hole. “And I went home that night and thought about inviting you over, teasing your body until you crumbled and begged for me.” He thrusts now, all the way back inside, until your hips meet once more and you gasp, your fingers curling around his for something to hold onto.

You can recall the memory, the way you mused that Seonghwa was too pleasant, too kind in that sort of neutral, placid way that meant even though he was beautiful, he faded to the background of your memory. But there is your side of things too…

“Your veneer isn’t perfect,” You counter with a small gasp when he rocks his hips again, “Maybe to others but not to me.”

“Is that right?” He growls.

Breathlessly, you explain, “I got the feeling multiple times you were holding back, hiding parts of yourself. You were so restrained all the time.” You remember the moment in the breakroom where he flattened his hand against his knee, wrangling himself under control. “But sometimes, I would see pieces. It made me want to crack those parts open, see you.”

Seonghwa is moving your legs now, sliding his arms under them so that they fold closer to your chest. He is still as near to you as he can get physically. But the angle change is intense and you grab the edge of the bed, gasping as he begins to pump his cock deeper into your cunt.

“And now?” He prompts but you can’t focus on the conversation anymore, not when his cock feels this good and he’s finally fucking you at a pace that only heightens the desire and pleasure. After your garbled moan, Seonghwa goes, “I’ll take that as your answer.”

Your eyes flutter open, the red light from the camera like a spotlight. This moment - captured either forever or until Seonghwa and you were to break apart. Tiny parts of yourself, combined with Seonghwa, in this intimate moment for the camera lens.

Your thighs shake, your pussy tightening around Seonghwa’s cock as your orgasm approaches. He keeps up the steady pace, the bed shaking with every thrust, your legs bouncing with each jerk of his hips. Your knuckles are white from clutching the edge of the bed, your bedsheets tangled around your fingers as Seonghwa pistons his cock into your wet cunt.

And then your orgasm begins, Seonghwa’s name a shattered piece of glass on the tip of your tongue as your hips meet his. The pleasure blots out everything; it is so exquisite that you lose yourself entirely to him.

Seonghwa pulls out, allowing you to stretch out your legs. “I want to fuck you from behind,” He says, his hands on your thighs, “Will you let me?”

You know that means facing the camera, allowing it to capture every expression on your face. You nod and Seonghwa helps you get into position on all fours, your ass in the air and hands pressed against the bed. He runs his hands over your ass before tugging you down a little, towards his cock.

“Seonghwa,” You say, looking over your shoulder at him. His hair is messy, his breathing rough, but all his protections over his personality are gone. He looks sexy, inviting, warm, all yours. “I want you to finish in me.”

He stops for a moment, glancing up at you before nodding. You turn back to the camera while he enters you once again. You gasp loudly – he feels much different from this angle and your eyes almost roll back into your head from how amazing it is. Seonghwa doesn’t stop this time. He immediately begins to pump and you curse roughly as his hips smack against yours.

One hand reaches for your hair, pulling it on it in a sharp tug, keeping your head up so that the camera captures your ever changing facial expressions. You like that it’s being filmed, both you and Seonghwa’s faces being recorded as you chase the pleasure your bodies can give.

He grunts out your name as he fucks you, releasing his hold on your hair so that he can grip your waist. Your hands shake and you finally relent, lowering your front half onto the bed. This allows him to fuck your cunt even deeper. You’re cursing loudly, begging him to keep going because you’re going to cum again. He doesn’t stop and you’re sure that the camera is going to show a thin layer of sweat across his forehead from how quickly Seonghwa’s hips snap into yours, his balls smacking against your ass, your wet pussy taking him easily.

Your hands grip the bed sheets, face down in the bed now, trying to muffle how much noise you’re making because of the neighbors. Seonghwa is grunting, panting, his fingers digging into your soft flesh as his cock pounds into your sopping wet hole.

Your orgasm starts suddenly, without any warning, and your back arches. You bring your ass backwards, trying to meet his erratic thrusts. At the same time, Seonghwa groans out your name and it sounds like gravel against the bottom of a shoe. He begins to spill inside of your cunt. Together, you both cum, in full view of the camera. His warmth overflows and when he pulls out, you can feel him dripping out of your cunt.

Legs like jelly, you fall against the bed, completely exhausted. But Seonghwa slides off, reaching for the camera and bringing it onto the bed. He plops it briefly onto the sheets while his hands go to your hips, rolling you onto your back.

“What?” You mumble, slightly dazed.

“I want to see your cunt filled with my load,” He explains, bringing the camera close, peering through the viewfinder.

His other hand gently spreads your lips apart, showing his cum leaking out from in between your folds. It’s lurid, completely pornographic, and you find it thrilling.

“You’re a perv,” You tease him.

His finger dips into your cunt, scooping up some of his cum. His hand trails up along your body, along with the camera lens, and when his finger is against your lips, you open, sucking his cum clean off.

“And what are you then?” He says.

“Your new girlfriend,” You reply boldly.

Seonghwa pulls away from the viewfinder, his eyes meeting yours. In the now quiet room, the only noise is of his soft breathing mingling with yours. The past is wiped clean, replaced with the new tape, the collision of two people caught on camera, entwining together both physically and mentally.

“That sounds perfect to me,” is what he finally says and you can read in between the lines – you aren’t just privy to Seonghwa’s true self through a camera lens anymore. You get access to him all the time.

You smile up at him, fucked out completely and never been more content.

Seonghwa returns the look, his finger hovering over the button to stop recording.

“What do you want to do now?” He asks.

You think for a moment before going, “We should –”

And his finger presses the button, ending the tape.

the end.

#ateez fics #ateez smut #seonghwa fics #seonghwa smut #seonghwa x reader #kpop fic #video girl #100 notes #500 notes #1000 notes

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bridgetoesoteria · 9 months ago

Text

💌💟Realistically...What would they write in a love letter to you?

Surpriseee bish! Here is my double post as puh-romised. Its spring break, I aced my midterm, I had a nice lil chit chat with my crush where I high key let on to having feelings . *ahem* Now I wanna smoke and pull cards with my internet besties <3

So, I don't like those mushy-gushy readings that tell you the most ideal outcome, not the most realistic outcome. I am hoping to channel an authentic "letter," from the person you are here for.

Options are left to right. I hope it resonates 🥰

Pile 1

4-card spread: Page of Swords, Girl w/ Violin, Strength, The Sun. BOTD: 3 of Swords

I just want to see you happy. I hope you know that. I miss the feeling of you holding me. I think about all the times, I got to hold your hands in mine. I think you are amazing and angelic. If I ever seem difficult, or like I am pushing you away, its just because I don't want to hurt you even worse. You're the whole package. You can shine with or without me.

If there is still bad blood, I will make it right. At least that's what I think about doing. All the time. Can I step up? Can I really have my happy ending; The car, the house, the family, building a life together. I need to get over my cold feet, because the only person I see is you.

P.S.

I love your eyes. I love how much hope I feel when I look into them. I love your hair, especially the length/thickness. I love how balanced you are, and how you can consider different points of view. It has taught me to be more compassionate. It has taught me to care about someone other than myself. You show me that I can get over my demons. We could be a power couple.

(If you have a "butt chin," your person loves this too lol)

Pile 2

4-card spread: 8 of Swords, 9 of Swords(R), 9 of Wands, The Star. BOTD: The Emperor

This person is definitely very attracted to you, but we are here for a love letter, mkay? Not a sext.

I don't know why you are acting like you don't want me anymore. You better not be giving away my ____ to anyone else. I want to be with you. I consider us to be a couple, no matter what happens. If you question where my head is at, my loyalty is with you. I don't want to see you with anyone else. I hate thinking about you being out there, living like you're single. I think about us having kids, animals, a family life. (If you already have kids they want to keep the family together).

I am working on my temptations. I know I need to be more responsible and I am willing to do that. I want to try having self-control. If that means cutting other people off, or waiting until you are comfortable being physical, I will do that. I respect your boundaries. You have every right to have them. I know you are just trying to love yourself. You should always stand your ground...even with me.

P.S.

You have a beautiful heart. You are so nurturing. You keep everything flowing. You completely fulfill me. You are more than enough. You definitely know what you are doing. I wouldn't have taken you for a "lady in the streets, freak in the sheets" type.

Right now, you probably are focusing on yourself. I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for. After pouring into everyone else so much, I hope you will start pouring into you now. I hope you will be receptive to all the good things you deserve.

Pile 3

4-card spread: Ace of Pentacles, 6 of Swords, Page of Cups, The Empress. BOTD: Justice

I can't figure you out. And its...amazing! It keeps everything so fresh. Maybe you don't feel like you are being mysterious but you are. I want to know what goes on "behind-the scene." I don't mean that in a pervy way. I mean, I want to know who you are, where you come from, what is currently going on in your life. I want to make the cut. Do you ever think about what your favorite diamond cut is? 💎

(Where ever your connection is, move up a step. This is not a literal proposal for everyone)

I want us to be on track. If I have to apologize, I will do that. I want to finally start something new. I want to make you feel like the king/queen that you are. I want us to be happy together. Especially if we are expecting 🤰

P.S.

Can I just brag on you really quick? I love your face shape. I love when we lock eyes. I love how you style your hair, even if I have never said so aloud. Even if I tease you about it sometimes. Its cute and so you. Everyone says we (would) go well together, and I have to agree. We could be our town's MGK and Megan Fox 🤣🤣

On a more serious point, you make me want to do better. Internally, I always feel challenged by you. I have my old beliefs, and then there's you. You make me want to throw out all the BS I believe about myself and start valuing myself more. I see how magical life can be, because I see how many miracles happen when we are together. I know I can do better.

Pile 4 4-card spread: 8 of Wands, 10 of Wands, The Emperor, 8 of Swords. BOTD: Ace of Swords.

(Your person could actually be the type to spill their feelings over texts or in the notes section of their phone)

I think about saying this all the time. I build up the courage to start typing, but I can never hit send. I just feel this lump in my throat. I'm a man! (or they are just someone who suppresses their emotions). I shouldn't have all these feelings. I feel overwhelmed by my attraction, my thoughts, my unexpressed feelings.

That's kind of what I grew up with. It was normal. People call it "traditional." I always thought (one of their parents, but I am really getting mom) could do better. Why are you still with them? I don't want that to be you. I don't want that to be our story. You always carry yourself well. I'm proud to be with you. I know you're a catch. I know you are the full package. I can't let you go. Please reconsider. I want to be with you.

P.S.

I hope you're getting rest. Don't lose sleep over me. Which is hypocritical, because I stay up thinking about you. Don't be scared...but I may have watched you sleep. I like how peaceful you look. I feel like I have privacy to fully process my emotions. I look at your face and I think about all the possibilities. It makes me nervous. If I have made a proposal of some kind, maybe to reconcile, I hope you sleep on it before you make a decision.

Pile 5 4-card spread: King of Cups, 4 of Swords, 9 of Wands, The Sun. BOTD: 8 of Swords

I think a lot of you are asking about a feminine energy, but flip the roles if needed. You could be the feminine energy being described, so maybe they want you to know you are "seen". It just started raining, so that makes me feel like this person is definitely more on the feminine side, or in touch with their emotions. You could both be young, or they're younger, or someone has a baby face.

I think about you all the time. Even when I am sad. I don't know if you know how much I struggle. My mental health isn't always in the best place. But you take my mind off of everything. I love when you look deep in thought. I come up with all these random ideas about what you could be thinking of. If you are away getting better, overcoming an ED, I hope you are being strong. I look forward to seeing you again.

You make me so happy. I miss being playful and messing with you. I could see us having babies. I think I would be a great mom/dad. But I know that's daydreaming and wishful thinking. I don't always understand your moods or what you want from me. Could you make it clear without it becoming an argument. I don't want to make you upset.

P.S.

You are soo pretty. I think your haircut really compliments your face. I love your side profile too. You are so smart. You know so much about the world around you or you are always willing to learn. I am impressed by your writing and/or creativity. I love everything about you. If I were an artist, I would make a portrait of you. You would be my muse. I just want you to know how special you are. You are 1 of 1 forreal. I am so grateful to have ever met you. You bring so much joy to my life.

Whew. GD! That was a lot lol. This took me two days. I am going to relax and enjoy the start of Spring Break. Whoop whoop 🙌

And don't laugh at me...but I just discovered archives so I might stop updating my masterlist, since you can find all my readings there too.

Lastly, I am also doing personals if you have not heard! Take a gander.

~ K

#tarotcommunity #tarot reading #tarot #intuitive readings #pick a card #oracle reading #spirituality #oracle cards #pick a card reading #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick a photo #pick an image #love tarot reading #love reading #relationship reading #free tarot reading #tarotblr #tarot community

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cannellee · 9 months ago

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TOKYO REVENGERS OMEGAVERSE (mythological au!) ☆

୨୧ demigod! alpha! tokyo revengers x omega! reader (pairing : kazutora, mitsuya, baji, mikey, takemichi, shinichiro, izana, ran, draken, taiju, kokonoi, kakucho)

— a mix of what cabins they would be in and how they would be like with their omega (cabin = which god/goddess would they be the son of)

my masterlist : ☆

(I just finished watching the serie 'percy jackson' on disney+ and I just thought it would be an interesting idea to explore! of course it's purely my opinion and it might not be really representative. it's also fine if you don't know anything about percy jackson! I didn't add any details about the plot/storyline)

(+ if you've read my other headcanons, some of them might be similar to what I've already posted.. I hope none of you will mind!)

(+ I'm thinking about making it a serie : about a huge harem probably? or separated stories about omega!reader's life inside the half blood camp pls tell me what you think!!)

ALPHA! KAZUTORA (aphrodite)

he's a difficult one, like all the others, but I remember seeing a post in which kazutora was described as fairly attractive and that he was quite popular with the girls. seeing just how deceiving he can be with a charming smile on, convinced me to put him under the banner of aphrodite.

with the omega he wants to court, kazutora has no shame making use of his powers to woo her. he'll manipulate her emotions so she can only find comfort in his arms. despite being an alpha, kazutora has a pretty delicate scent which makes you want to trust him. he's aware of his charm and makes a good use of it whenever he considers necessary.

he's hopelessly devoted and indulges in his passionate love a 100%, so he often comes off as intense and overwhelming. he doesn't care though, he loves his omega with a burning passion and you need to know it. people also need to stay put, as he's pretty jealous. he's not the son of love itself for nothing, if an opponent arises, he's quick to get rid of him.

as I said, kazutora is willing to manipulate you in order to get you under his watch. he wants to supervise his lover. as an alpha, he's even more protective and possessive, he's terrified of losing you to someone else. he'll shower you with compliments and affection, inevitably forcing you to let your guard down because he's just so kind. this will make it easy for him to keep you under his influence, whether you know it or not.

as a child of aphrodite, kazutora wants to make you fall in love with him, it doesn't matter if it's with a false image of him or if he had to manipulate you. he just wants his pretty omega by his side, the only one worthy of his love and worship.

kazutora still is a toxic person, he'll exploit your vulnerabilities and the trust you place in him, for his own gain. he could use guilt-tripping, gaslighting or emotional blackmail ; he has no morals. he wants you for himself and he'll use any ways he sees fit to achieve his dream of being the only one you think about. you're the only one on his mind, it should go both ways, otherwise kazutora will feel betrayed.

you often get confused at his behaviour. how can someone be so kind, soft and attentive to you, just to end up messing with your mind like that. you don't know what to think anymore and you're just left with kazutora as your compass, as he successfully got rid of anything susceptible to drive you away from him. you didn't even realise – with how sweetly overbearing his presence is – that he managed to make your cute little brain forget about everything else. your feelings, all over the place because of his sickly gentle smiles and words, made you solely focus on him to the point that you just couldn't find happiness in anyone else but him.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! MITSUYA (hera)

I think he could be a child of hera ; he's a great cook, responsible and reliable, independent and has his priorities straight. it's also confirmed that he's one of the best boyfriends of toman and I know alpha!mitsuya's dream is to build a family. the way he looks after his little sisters, despite his exhaustion, is a sign of how family oriented he is.

mitsuya is just so kind with his omega, reassuring, and a strong power you can count on. you don't fear anything when he's here, he's a protector and a provider. he has a deep sense of duty which compels him to keep you healthy and happy.

his omega is his joy, he's happy if you are. mitsuya is committed and view your relationship as something extremely serious he would never let go of. he expects the same devotion from his omega, as he values loyalty above anything else.

he wishes for you both to marry each other as he thrives in your presence. you can expect a merry domestic life with him, he takes care of you and keeps the relationship going with cute and funny date ideas. he has everything planned along for you, he wants to secure your future and make sure everything goes smoothly.

he also provides a stable environment for you, he approaches conflicts calmly and rationally, so you never stressed out whenever you have one of those rare arguments. your couple is healthy and lovely, mitsuya cuddles you each day, calls you whenever he has time and he's away ; he wants nothing more than to keep you safe, showering you with tender affection.

you'll never feel unloved or unsafe. hera is fierce and protective, she's also a jealous deity who sees her couple as almost sacred. mitsuya will eradicate any threats that might come your way. he'll go feral should his omega ever feel scared and distressed. it would mean that he failed as your alpha and mitsuya would feel more than defeated, crushed and will be desperate to make it up to you, to show you you can still rely on him. please give him a chance.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! BAJI (zeus)

baji is a son of zeus. he might not be the leader of toman, but he does have that central position with a ton lot of leadership qualities in him. he kind of is a mediator in a way, and cares for the people around him a lot, and they also look up to him, which gives him a lot of authority.

he's controlling and will absolutely get mad in the right situations. baji doesn't let just anyone near his omega, but he tries to take your opinions into consideration. he might be an alpha and therefore know better than you about whether something or someone is dangerous, but he'll let you do your own thing as long as he's there to watch and protect.

he wants a bit of control over you as well. as I said, his protective instincts are strong and very sensitive, he isn't delusional the way kazutora could be, but he's weary and suspicious. one wrong move and that man you were talking to is done for.

it might come out as small bursts of aggressiveness and anger, throwing earth shaking thunders whenever his omega's well being and honour are threatened. this behaviour of his truly is a shocking contrast to how soft and enamored he is with you. people are cautious around him, scared even, like they are walking around a volcano ready to burst. but you just have that privileged relationship with him, which allows you to let your guard down and jokingly mess with him. he lets you do about anything you want and accepts everything you do with a straight face and a satisfied scent.

baji wants to claim you. not just for everyone to see but to feel a connection with the one he devoted himself to. you're his whole world, you offer him stability and a place he can finally let go of all his worries and responsibilities. he wants nothing more than to solidify that strong link between the two of you.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! TAKEMICHI (hermes)

without any surprise, takemichi definitely is a son of hermes. be it the way he time travels, his smart personality (yes) ; he can think quickly and make the actual best decisions even if he doesn't realise it. despite being awkward, he communicates well and makes friends everywhere he goes, he's a people magnet and charms them unknowingly.

takemichi was able to court you with his naturally funny personality and playful banter. he's awkward ; and that's a good change you love to see in an alpha. he's not overwhelming and gives you your own space. he's respectful and values your opinions so much to the point that you might as well be his moral compass.

he has great principles and you would never abuse his kindness and dedication to you. but you can't help but notice how tamed he becomes whenever you're talking to him. if you tell or ask him something, he complies without a word.

in his eyes, you're glowing and smell so divinely good. are you sure you're not a goddess yourself ? because takemichi just can't get enough of you, as if he's hypnotized.

despite being surrounded by so many people, takemichi's eyes are solely set on you. he lives to make you laugh and is very sensitive about your emotions ; whenever you're down and feeling stressed, he quickly becomes a huge support. he calms you, reassures you by drowning you in his scent and praises. he knows exactly what to say.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! MIKEY (ares)

I don't think it surprises anyone as well, but I see him as a child of ares. although with his complex personality it's hard to rank him under a god for sure, but he shares the most traits with him, especially with his "dark impulse". he likes to fight, get into trouble and doesn't actively respect hierarchies. and not only does he love throwing hands, but he's particularly good at it, to the point of sparking fear and respect to his comrades and enemies alike.

mikey's personality as the son of ares isn't exactly that far from the reality. he's often violent, and for no particular reasons. but he's even more reckless whenever it involves his omega. along with provoking such violent urges, it also gives him another reason to beat someone up and he would never dodge that chance.

still, he's charismatic and despite everything, you find yourself drawn to him like a moth to a flame. he's so confident, jumping into any battles without an ounce of fear that your instincts can't help but feel at ease with him. you know you have nothing to fear ; mikey will protect you at the cost of his life. and his reputation also works like a charm to keep danger at bay.

mikey is jealous, and will become enraged if you were to show interest or affection for other men. instead of confronting you, he'll just erase them directly. that way, you have no other choice than to turn to him. if mikey keeps eliminating all of his concurrency, you'll soon come to realise that no other alphas can compare to him. you'll look at him with just as much love and desperation as he does. he doesn't care if he has to use his power and influence to keep you by his side, he'll do it with little to no regard for consequences. so what if you're mad or devastated, it was the right thing to do : a good alpha can't let bugs crawl around his omega.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! SHINICHIRO (apollo)

I hesitated between apollo and hephaestus, but I figured the only think he really shares with him is his ability to create, his love for machines and his technical skills. so I settled for apollo! shinichiro is a peaceful mediator, kind and compassionate, he sees the good in everyone and doesn't tolerate people without any sense of morality. he might not play any instrument and doesn't have a particular taste for music, but he has that healing and positive aura that draws people to him, kind of like takemichi.

in shinichiro's eyes, you're a joy to be around and he wants to keep that merry personality of yours by his side for as much as you'll let him.

I like to imagine alpha!shinichiro similar to who he was during the first timeline : a fierce and great fighter, with an abundant love for his family.

shinichiro nurtures an ardent affection for you, unwavering and he borderline worships you. he won't let anyone harm you, he'll fight for you, threatens anyone for you and do so much more. he has a sense of responsibility now that you're his, he can't let you down nor disappoint you. you'll see just how much of an infatuated man he is.

apollo is cruel and vengeful ; shinichiro doesn't tolerate any negative intentions towards his omega. he's observant and doesn't let second chances : if you disrespect his lover, you'll pay, end of story.

just remember apollo's love life, he's passionate and romantic. it goes beyond death and he's loyal to a fault. shinichiro knows you're the one, you make him believe in love at first sight.

just as any other god, apollo is jealous. this trait of his passed down to shinichiro, who actually acts out on this feeling secretly. he won't ever let you see such a bad side of him ; he's supposed to be your unshakable partner, calm and collected. he'll just claim you, scent you, appears more often with you during social outings. and if that still doesn't work, he'll have no choice but to be more violent. but you'll know none of this ; he'll remain confident and positive, with soft smiles and tender kisses.

he provides such a comforting space for his omega, soothing any of your worry with a radiant smile. you know he has everything under control, so you can abandon yourself completely to your alpha.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! IZANA (hades)

izana could be associated with so many deities but I'll settle for hades. his deranged thoughts and past actually make up most of his personality and explain his whole behaviour; he can't let go of any of his burdens and remains absolutely crushed and tortured by them. he feels lonely, betrayed and has so many negative emotions circling around him. he has trouble connecting with other people the way any normal person would, he's rude and direct, and you can even think he doesn't actually care about his comrades because of his aggressive actions.

contrary to hades, izana does let out his emotions a lot. he actually can't quite control them and is often a slave to his own feelings. he's crazily jealous and possessive, his instincts are all over the place, forcing him to keep you locked away somewhere he considers safe enough.

he hates those lusty eyes people have whenever you come by, he wants to just tear their faces apart. still, he does nothing, too preoccupied by the image you might have of him.

he's violent and pitiless, but there are times when he's self conscious and would hate himself if you were to tremble and cry from fear of him. sure it does help to keep you in check ; his omega should listen well, stay put and pretty, ready to obey him. but there's a limit he's not mentally ready to cross. don't hate him the way others do, don't look at him with a consuming fear he's so familiar to see in other's eyes.

you're one of the few people, if not the only, he lets himself be vulnerable around. he expects a devotion and willingness on your side to just do anything he asks. he won't hesitate to force you into submission, coating you with sweet words contrasting of his actions ; he doesn't know how to love and it will feel suffocating at times. but you manage.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! RAN (dionysus)

an easy one. dionysus is the god of wine and parties and likes to be the center of attention, although this could be more accurate for bonten!ran era. ran just loves to indulge in pleasures, participate in what one would consider as immoral and unholy. he actually couldn't care less about other people's opinions and simply enjoys what life has in store (brothels, alcohol, murder... you get it). ran is a red flag and he just enjoys chaos, he doesn't care about stability and just want to have fun. he's intense and often hard to decipher, making him a complex person.

ran is absolutely infatuated with you, he finds you intriguing, ridiculously pretty and your scent is intoxicating. how can he not desire your presence ?

being with you feels like a drug, you just can't leave his mind and that's why he can't let go of you either. he indulges fully into the pleasures of life and you just so happen to be the perfect embodiment of all the joys he seems to crave so openly.

he is sociable and there always seems to be a flock of people around him. he loves the attention, but yours particularly, to your surprise. you don't know what about you charmed him, why you of all people considering how popular he is. but here you are, glued to him and not exactly out of your own will.

ran wants you by his side, so you'll stay. simple as that. he's constantly burying his nose in the crook of your neck. you just smell so nice and every part of you is to die for. he extends predatory hands out to you, exploring your body shamelessly without any concerns for how you feel. he just wants to touch you, feel you and own you.

he's a great talker, he knows exactly what to tell you to make you behave the way he wants. if he doesn't like you around someone, he won't tell you directly, although he could, considering the power he has over you. but he'd rather make it fun : not letting you have any control over the situation and making you act a certain way all because he decided of it. like a puppet, you'll be under the good will of ran, you don't have a word to say.

despite this complex personality, he doesn't like when things get too complicated. yes he might enjoy tricking you and messing with your head, but he's all too open to fun and pleasure. so he's someone who'll spend his time having fun with you, never letting anything get boring.

as I said, he's possessive. he's an alpha and a demigod. you're both his plaything and partner, and he absolutely despises whenever someone tries to turn you away from him. just like how he looks for you first in a crowd, his omega can't have wandering eyes. he gets annoyed quickly when his fun is ruined by a stupid alpha, so he'll also get rid of the problem just as fast as it appeared. no time for gloomy and uncomfortable feelings !

he doesn't know any limits and doesn't seem to understand why you might have any. he'll let you do about anything to him, use him to satisfy any urge you might have, relieve your anger and envy however you like. just use him, just like he does with you. that's his definition of love and he can't help but levitate around you like a magnet. it's stronger than him.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! DRAKEN (poseidon)

I'm not satisfied with this pick, but draken works well as a son of poseidon. he's big and tall, imposing, but never goes too far, he knows how to regulate his strength as to not abuse it. he's protective and loyal, calm at times and especially when it's needed. he's a pillar to his team, toman, and people know they can count on him. he's stoic and you would never guess what's going on inside his head, although it doesn't mean he's aloof ; as I said, he's attentive and caring, he's both a shield and sword to his friends.

draken here is a bit similar to what I already wrote about him on my blog so I'll be quick.

it's painfully obvious you're his omega and you're not to be messed with. he's stable like the sea and you can't help but wish he'll let you stick with him. luckily, draken has heart eyes for you only, so he lets you have your own privileges.

it's sometimes so subtle you might not notice it. but draken does have a soft spot for you ; constantly checking up on you, asking you where you've been, what you did and with whom.

I know poseidon has a bad temper, he is proud and competitive. draken is all of the above but in a reasonable way, he doesn't go overboard. when he's in a stable condition, he knows he has the situation under control and doesn't even feel the need to keep you away. you're an omega sure, but he trusts himself enough that you don't need to be hidden.

as I said, he appears calm, but whenever he does get angry, albeit not that rare, it's always shocking and terrifying. he's so intimidating, he has that dark look which makes you want to lower your gaze, and his scent forces anyone to recognize his power.

he's so protective, gently cradling you in his arms if you're feeling scared. even if he knows you have nothing to be scared of – since he's there – he won't allow any negative emotions to crawl their way up to you. he's your shield to this particularly cruel world.

he will never judge you for how you feel : he's aware that omegas are more sensitive than alphas. he will therefore make sure you're never exposed to too much at once. he'll just assert dominance, both to keep you safe and to inform others that he's what they'll be confronted with if they ever approach you.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! TAIJU (ares)

another son of ares! I can't see him as anything else than that, taiju literally is the embodiment of war and violence. he has a quick temper, he easily gets annoyed and wants things to go his way. his solution to problems is to use his fists carelessly and he's not that reassuring, no matter who you are to him (friend, family, comrade or enemy). and I just know this man has a massive breeding kink, which would totally fit with ares, as he's a symbol of virility and masculine potency. this guy wants a lineage and to exert control over his omega.

same for him, I already described him pretty well in other posts so it will probably be repetitive.

taiju is unsurprisingly aggressive and thrives whenever he's surrounded by violence. he wants nothing more than to taste blood and feel the adrenaline a good fight gives him.

he wants you to look at him, to see just how strong your alpha is. be proud and feel safe. taiju is sending you painfully obvious messages of what will happen if he was to catch you cheating. you can be sure he'll never let it slide, he'll beat the hell out of anyone who looks at you and anyone you look at. by now, you learnt to never cross the eyes of anyone else for their own sake.

he's suffocating, his love is mean and jealous. you're his precious possession, don't leave his sight. he likes to see you look so small, he towers over you like he could crush your frail form if he didn't pay attention to how much pressure he was hugging you with.

this difference makes him feel in charge in the best way possible, he knows you can't resist him anyways. he loves that vulnerability of yours, how naive and dumb you can be. let taiju be the master of your decisions. as an alpha, he's way better suited to guide you than you are. please stay quiet and cute, just like always. he can't have his adorable omega tainted by unholy thoughts and disgusting people. you're so pure, you need to stay that way.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! KOKONOI (athena)

I was tempted to associate him to dionysus, but he doesn't have that extravagant personality and tendency of falling into the excesses. so athena is a pretty good pick I think. he's calm and collected, deeply loyal and ready to sacrifice himself for his loved ones, even going as far as giving up his morals. he's extremely smart and understands how everything works easily, he never strays from his goal once he has his mind set on it and his role as a money maker in his gang proves just how much his members trust him and recognize his reliability. moreover, he's not just brains, but knows how to fight pretty well, making him a great opponent.

he's cool headed most of the times. you're automatically attracted to him by his honesty and steadfast love for you. he wants the best for you and he'll give it to you in a heartbeat.

yes he does care about good and evil, what is right and wrong, but with his doe-eyed omega right in front of him, it's easy for him to just forget what morality is. he tries his best to add you into his virtuous life, but he often strays off from his righteous path if your safety is involved.

he's oftentimes composed and keeps his emotions his check, he doesn't get easily affected by the sorrows of others. but you're his weakness, and he hates your crying face despite everything. it bothers him so much to be this affected by you, but he slowly came to embrace his love for you, and life has never been easier.

he's so faithful. there's something about the both of you being so committed to one another that drives his mind crazy. he recognises you as one of his own, you're his omega and therefore, all of the people he interacts with need to show you the same respect he harbours for you.

just like athena is a defensive force, kokonoi has a strong sense of duty : he protects you without any fear. if he can't do that correctly then he has nothing to be proud of. it's a life rule at this point ; no harm should come across your silk-like skin.

he's possessive and does scent you a lot, but he doesn't want to come off as suffocating and too overpowering. he gives you your own time and space, letting you go away to cool off if you ever get mad at him. it does kill him to have you so far away from him and to know he's the reason of your annoyance, but he also knows what's best for your relationship and he doesn't want to risk anything he carefully built with you for so long.

· · ୨୧ · ·

ALPHA! KAKUCHO (demeter)

I know this one will make a few brows furrow, but I just think it fits. demeter is kind and compassionate, just like kakucho. he has that protective role in the gang, especially towards izana and he's ready to ignore justice, morals and virtue in favour of his loved ones. he's similar in this way, to how protective demeter is with her daughter persephone. kakucho loves deeply and his fierce nature serves others, not his ideals or own goals.

kakucho is a kind alpha! he has no dirty thoughts and bad intentions towards you. he simply loves you and wish you would reciprocate his feelings.

he won't force anything on you, while being deeply involved in your relationship. he admires you and your generous personality. he thinks you're out of his league but still, he'll try to win your heart by exceeding every of your expectations.

just like demeter who's overly protective of her daughter, kakucho's main concern is his omega. it's getting repetitive but you need to know that an alpha mixed with a god can be nothing else if not possessive and protective.

kakucho reminds you of a warm home and you're always more than happy to jump into his arms, excited for his comforting hugs. he kisses your temple softly, whispers praises words of how pretty you look and caresses your knuckles with his thumb whenever he holds your hand.

it's literally written on his face that he loves you more than he values his life. he gets shy when you mention it but never denies it. contrary to some alphas, he isn't embarrassed to affirm that he indeed listens very well to his omega. he, who is supposed to be all big and intimidating, melts into a puddle whenever you call him over with a baby voice. god, he loves when you treat him so sweetly.

demeter also has a temper of her own and could become very fierce when angry. kakucho has that vibe as well, the feeling of a sleeping storm, awaiting the moment when someone will mess something up to burst.

he usually doesn't let his emotions control him, but when someone threatens him to steal you from him because he supposedly can't take care of you, he just explodes. kakucho will give anything he has and doesn't have for you, what right does a stranger have to quality him as competent enough or not ? although when his wrath has passed, he'll feel a bit self conscious and scared that some truth was hidden in his words. but if you do a great job at reassuring him and telling him how safe and giddy kakucho makes you feel, then he'll be fine as well.

566 notes · View notes

thatlittlered · 2 months ago

Text

i want you | logan howlett

warning(s): afab!reader if you really squint, cursing, immense and unbelievable heartbreak, spoilers for Logan (2017)

GIF by anonymous

author's note: I'm back where I came from writing x-men fanfiction and naming chapters after songs, life has truly come full circle. I could sit here and write some smut, talk about how much I want lick Logan (Hugh Jackman in general) from head to toe, OR I could break all of our hearts so guess what I chose :)

This is going to be a series so let me know if you want to be tagged.

-.-.-

It’s embarrassing; shameful, but he needs to have something.

Charles has to know about this little habit, somewhere in his few moments of clarity.

It’s practically morning when he comes back from work, but the water is running. He lingers; he always lingers when he realizes it’s you behind that door. He tells himself it’s typical animal behavior, he’ll guard you like the dog he is.

Today he’s not even good at that. His legs can’t hold him up any longer.

His feet take him to your room.

It’s probably the only part of this godforsaken place that smells nice. Almost feels like a real home in here, with your fresh cotton sheets and plush comforter. He won’t sully them, so he sits on the floor instead – a proper dog.

He should just fucking die already. Just send you off to a better life and die.

It’s what he deserves and long overdue.

You wouldn’t leave him though, and you most definitely wouldn’t leave Charles, or to be exact, what measly bits are left of both of them.

What a fucking waste.

You find him asleep there. Exhaustion took over when he leaned back against your bedframe, yet his body doesn’t seem at rest. Where can peace be found if not in sleep?

You sit next to him, now clad in soft pajamas and he’s already awakened by the smell of your shampoo before you call out to him.

“Logan?”

He blinks once, twice.

Even his eyes are not working properly these days. Always a little out of focus.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

He gives a half-grunt and moves to get up, but a brave hand on his thigh stops him. He surrenders to your insistence and the warmth of your fluffy carpet under him.

“I’m fine, just tired.”

“Of course, you are. You never sleep.”

He doesn’t answer.

“You can take my bed if the problem is the mattress.”

You watch him pinch his nose. Can’t be sure if he’s annoyed at you or himself.

“It’s not the fucking mattress, sweetheart, alright? I’m rotting from the inside out, no bed on earth can change that.”

You don’t quite know what to say to that.

It’s no secret to any of you that Logan has been struggling as of lately. He won’t speak of it, won’t ask for help. He's Atlas and the world is slipping.

“Did you need something?”

He doesn’t look you in the eye anymore, you notice.

“I was just checking up on you with how much time you spend in the shower. What do you even do in there?”

“I like it. It makes me feel normal.”

Logan merely hums in response. His hand reaches for the flask inside his pocket in a well-practiced motion.

“Is that whiskey?”

Of course it is.

You can make out his little smirk in the dim lighting. The odd little bit of humanity left in him that you always seem to attract. The tenderness they’ve tried time after time to rid him of.

“Can I have some?”

He watches you drink and lick your lips clean; admires your little frown at the taste. Decades alive and you’ll never grow used to it.

Your hands brush as you hand it back—an intentional act on your part—and he jumps. A shiver runs through him when it turns into a caress. Your hands are so much softer, so much gentler. A feather touch on his knuckles where the pus has begun to gather.

He should just fucking die.

“You should cut down on your hours. I can get a job, something part-time.”

His laugh is angry. It’s cruel and unnecessary.

He doesn’t mean to make you feel bad, but what does it matter?

“No need, bub. No point in it either.”

“You can’t go on like this, you know that.”

He drinks and drinks until the flask is almost empty.

“You should go somewhere else entirely; somewhere they won’t find you easily. Maybe your trouble will be worth something there.”

Maybe you’ll even have a life there.

“Is that what you think? That I’m here out of necessity?”

Logan chuckles, but there’s no humor in it.

“That’s why we’re all here, doll, but you- it could work. You should leave.”

Leave him. Never look back.

“It won’t. I won’t – I can’t.”

Something invisible tugs at his heart. Your glassy eyes, your loyalty.

Argos waited for Ulysses till death. For which master do you endure?

“For what? For whom, Charles? He’s barely even himself anymore, he doesn’t recognize you half the time. What’s the point?”

“So, he’s right, you’re just waiting for him to die.”

He falls silent again. The words cut deep.

“What about you, Logan?”

“What about me?”

“I should just leave you behind?”

It can’t be the heat, it has to be the alcohol, but the air is getting thicker in here.

He practically tears his suit jacket off. He’s usually nicer than this, always respectful of your efforts. The neat way you iron his shirts. Your ways of taking care of him.

The booze has started to get to him lately, as every other thing. He feels it now as it slurs his mind and speech. A shadow of his former self in every way.

It makes it even harder to look at you.

“I’m dead fucking weight. If you knew what’s right for you, you’d run and never look back at this shithole… you certainly don’t need me either.”

“I don’t stay because I need you, Logan. I stay because I love you.”

It’s hard to breathe. There’s unease in the way he holds your gaze and he almost looks small for a second. It doesn’t last. He’s quickly an animal again, now wounded and hurting. His growl is sign enough.

“Don’t say that.”

“Logan-”

You reach for his hand, but he doesn’t let you. He tries to stand up. His legs don’t listen.

What a pathetic excuse of a man he’s become.

You reach for him again when he lands back on your floor.

His voice is small and quiet, “Shit, sweetheart. You can’t fucking say that to me.”

He’s practically shaking in anger. Or sadness. Whatever this is, it’s overwhelming.

It’s easy to give up and lean into you; face landing on the softness of your middle.

“You can’t-you can’t say that to me.”

He can hear your heartbeat so clearly, it’s almost deafening when he presses his ear to your stomach. Everything hurts.

“I love you.”

You see his eyes close gently.

He wants to lose all his other senses, if only for this moment, if only to focus solely on the softness of your skin. The gentleness of your fingers when they gather in his hair.

“It’s okay, Logan.”

He only looks up when you take his face in your hands. You can feel his breath on you. All you can do is look at each other. His hand comes up to your shirt and lifts it, just enough for his lips to touch there – just this once.

He only needs this one thing and he’ll be good for the rest of his pitiful, miserable life.

“I have things I need to do.”

You only nod.

You offer your hand, but he doesn’t take it, drags himself upwards instead. The moment of weakness has passed.

“I’m going out. You should get some rest, don’t forget to lock the door.”

There is no point in arguing or asking where he’s going. He needs to be away from you.

“I won’t.”

He nods back at you, but avoids your eyes as he leaves. He’ll sleep in the car tonight.

Just this one little thing might be enough.

#logan howlett x reader #logan x reader #wolverine x reader #logan howlett #james logan howlett #old man logan #xmen x reader #the worst logan x reader #deadpool and wolverine #logan 2017 #the worst wolverine

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ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused · 3 months ago

Note

HALLO I SAW THE PLUS SIZE BIMBO! X HOTCHER NOTE AND MAY I PRESENT

plussize!goth!bimbo!reader 👀

hotch seems like a man who would be attracted to a plush evil looking person 😭🙏

༉‧₊˚. 𝐜𝐨𝐨𝐥 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 || 𝐚𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐧𝐞𝐫

— pairing: aaron hotchner x plus size goth bimbo!reader

— summary: aaron's a "scary man" with a big heart who has just so happened to find his perfect match in a trad-goth wearing woman that's determined to bring him lunch - much to Derek's amusement.

— warnings: none! this is probably more sickeningly sweet than it really needed to be, and fluff!

— wc: 761

⋆ a/n: HOWDY!!!! words cannot express how appreciative i am at the recent massive influx of growing support over the past few months despite me being away. i'm happy to present to you my new baby (this fic) also enjoy Derek heavily cameoing in here, i just missed him.

masterlist | AO3

No one was scarier than Aaron Hotchner.

With his stoic face and monotone voice, many unsubs and government officials alike have shrunk in his presence. Though sometimes he was all work-no-play (or a stick up his ass, which is always so fondly put), he was soft towards the people he cared about.

That being said, it really shouldn’t have been a surprise when you showed up to the office.

You stood out like a sore thumb amongst the dull office setting, your dark, almost vampiric like clothes deeply contrasted the still-life. Your face was complimented by a piercing here or there; one on your eyebrow, a medusa sitting tantalizing above your top lip – which was painted with black lipstick – and your septum was gauged a few sizes up.

It should have been a lot, but with your trad-goth makeup, it brought the ensemble together.

The visitor sticker stood out against the lace of your top.

You were searching for someone, that much was obvious, but your eyes just so happened to land on one Derek Morgan.

“Hi.” You breathed out softly as you made eye contact. The intimidating expression on your face melted into a soft one at the hushed greeting.

“Well hello there pretty lady. Who ya looking for?” You smiled at the man’s flirting. “Hey!” You greeted with a bit more enthusiasm. “I’m looking for Aaron? Aaron Hotchner?”

“Aaron? Oh, he’s –” Before he could finish, the man of the hour came bounding down the steps leading to his office.

“Baby.” You greet so softly, so fondly, so filled with love, that Derek feels like he’s intruding on an intimate moment.

“You’re early.” Aaron rasped. It was clear that he hadn’t left the office for a few with the way his voice fried from unuse. “Ah – sorry, I kinda got a little restless but… I brought you lunch!” To emphasize your point, you lift up the lovely smelling takeout bag and wave it around in small circles. “Forgive me?” You add with a cheeky smile and a tilt of your head.

With the exposure of your teeth, Derek could see the jewelry of a smiley piercing sitting gracefully against your gums.

Aaron looked at the bag and then back at you before speaking. “I suppose I could, but what would I get out of it?” Oh. So he wanted to be cheeky too? Well played. “Well for one, you get to have lunch with your super sweet and cool girlfriend, and secondly, I control whether or not you get kisses.”

This moment proved to Derek that he really didn’t know his boss and close friend as well as he thought he did, because Aaron looked at you with an expression that he hadn’t even given Haley when they were together.

It was a smirk, one that coaxed the need for a challenge, but it was scrambled by the fact that it was fueled by nothing but pure, butterfly inducing love.

It was sickening.

“Well, I see you’ve got this handled.” Derek remarked with a knowing – albeit shit-eating – grin.

As if you had been broken out of a spell, you tore yourself away from your boyfriend’s enchanting gaze. “Oh, yes! Thank you…”

“Derek. Derek Morgan.” He finished your unasked question.

“Derek…” You repeated as if it sounded familiar. “Oh!” Your eyes lit up in recognition. “Aaron’s told me about you! It’s so nice to finally put a face to the name.”

“Aw, you sweet talk about me behind my back, boss?” Derek teases.

Aaron’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, but there really wasn’t any real irritation behind it. “If I’m not mistaken,” He began, “You still haven’t completed the first wave of files on your desk.” Your boyfriend nips slightly without even having to glance at his subordinates desk.

Derek all but laughs out loud, “You’re right, my apologies bossman.” His eyes were dripping with mirth. “It was so nice to meet you!” You say with a wave. “You too sweetness.”

As he scrambles away, you turn to look at Aaron with poorly contained amusement.

“Really?” You ask with a raised brow.

“Sorry sweetheart, but I’d rather not have to inhale my food when I can sit there and leisurely enjoy it with my – how did you put it? – super sweet and cool girlfriend?”

You scoff, allowing him to take your ring adorned hand (making sure to steer clear of stabbing himself on your sharp coffin nails) – which has occurred more than once when you two had begun dating.

“Alright, alright, you little sweet talker, let’s go eat.”

Aaron just chuckles.

ೃ⁀➷ my lovely taglist!: @alina02 @louderfortheback @minervadashwood @their-love @fandomsarelifee @theendofthe70s @nomajdetective @mgg-theprettiestboy @phoenixblack89 @celtic-crossbow @hallecarey1 @bunnybabe-babydoll @alixwriter @dixonzzgirl @violettavirus @khxna @moonysreid

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bweeeb · 5 months ago

Text

HATED

Theodore Nott x reader ( Whispered as last name )

Enemies to lovers

Notes: When I wrote this, I didn't realize how dirty it was, I apologize for the shitty writing.

Summary: When the new girl causes Slytherin to lose the House Cup, Theo becomes much more interested in getting her attention—even after acting like a jerk. But maybe with Voldemort's return, it might be too late to make something last.

Warnings: Smut, Theodore being an asshole like every man on earth, reader being a proud slut.🤘❤️‍🔥

Being competitive was always one of Theodore Nott's characteristics that almost no one knew about, and as one of the smartest students in Slytherin, Theodore never had trouble keeping his competitiveness to himself. By the end of the third year, the vast majority of Slytherin's points were consistently earned by Theodore, leading Slytherin to take the top spot in the House Cup every year, until Y/n Whispered transferred from Ilvermorny at the beginning of the fourth year and secured the House Cup for Hufflepuff. Theodore couldn't help but feel intense hatred spread through him from head to toe upon seeing that the person who had taken his place was a new, blonde, five-foot-three Hufflepuff girl, which irritated him even more because the attraction he felt towards her was stronger than the instant hatred that surged in his chest. The first time he saw her celebrating with her peers at the end of the year, Theodore decided he would make Y/n's life much more complicated from the moment she looked at him from across the Great Hall, at the Slytherin table, and sent a gentle smile his way. Theodore didn't understand the reason behind her beautiful smile but interpreted it as mockery; he preferred to imagine that Y/n was mocking him rather than smiling amiably due to the stories she had heard about him, ultimately ending up liking a Muggle-born Hufflepuff.

In the fifth year, Y/n endured a series of provocations from Theodore until she reacted, turning it into a personal game that went beyond the House Cup. In the fifth year, Slytherin once again won the House Cup, and Theodore made sure to send a card to her room with the message 'What can you do if Muggle-borns only get lucky once in a lifetime, dolcezza,' and on the back of the card, probably the phrase that made Y/n cry with anger for the rest of the night, 'Maybe you should go cry to your parents, little baby.' The next day, Y/n put on her tough mask and threw the paper into Nott's plate at breakfast, saying loudly and clearly, 'My parents are dead, so if you tried to offend me, you failed with both the Muggle-born insult and the part about parents, Stupid Nott.' From that day on, Y/n began to hate Theo for being so stupid, and Theo began to observe Y/n more delicately, and partially the provocations decreased. However, with the decrease in provocations, Y/n's approval and visibility over him also decreased. Nott had to find another way to get her attention, even if it meant returning to taunting.

— You smell that? Oh wait, it's just Y/n walking into the hall.

Y/n heard Nott say loudly as she passed by him during breakfast.

— Must be coming from that mouth of yours that only spews garbage, Theodore.

The girl retorted as she walked past him without even looking at him and sat down at her table nearby.

— You should watch what you say to him, Y/n.

Y/n's friend, Violet, said, glancing quickly at the Slytherin table.

— It's just Nott, Vic. If he wants to hate me, I'll hate him back.

The girl shrugged, drawing Penny's gaze from across the table.

— No, Y/n. I heard they know who's back.

— What?

Y/n's eyes widened slightly, her body trembling. Her parents died in a suspicious and brutal manner while on a trip to the Ministry of Magic in London through dark magic, her uncles, born with pure blood, confirmed that probably some attacks on half-blood wizards are happening all of a result of among them

A week passed, and the news of Voldemort's return turned out to be true, making the seventh year more unsettling than ever. Gradually, half-blood students began disappearing, the common room grew emptier, classrooms quieter and less lively. Y/n had lost all focus on her studies. Dark days were casting a shadow over the wizarding world, and while all her classmates fled to safety with their families, she remained at Hogwarts, surrounded mostly by Slytherins who seemed unaffected.

On a rainy night, Y/n lingered longer than usual in the library, finishing her assignments. As she hurried back to her dorm, she noticed Draco Malfoy, Mattheo Riddle, and Theodore Nott standing casually against a wall, engaged in conversation. She lowered her head, bit her lip, and rolled her eyes, her heart racing. "Stupid, stop being silly, Y/n," she scolded herself silently, trying to slip by unnoticed. But Theodore, leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette, chuckled and began to follow her. — No house to go back to, Y/n? Theodore's voice was mocking, prompting laughter from the three Slytherins echoing down the corridor. Theo couldn't help but wish Y/n would turn around, march over with that cute angry expression he secretly admired, and look him in the eye. — Your family didn't want you because you're a Mudblood?He taunted again, not bothering to face her.

— Fuck you, Theodore. Y/n muttered, stung by his words for the first time because deep down, she knew there was truth in them. Her pureblood uncles' allegiance to Voldemort left her with no safe haven at Hogwarts, just the hope of avoiding a grim fate. Without looking back, Whispered strode on, leaving Theodore to stew in his irritation at her avoidance. It had been over a month since she last met his gaze, and he hated how much he missed their confrontations.

— What did you say?

— What's this bablood still doing here?

Y/n heard Draco ask, his laughter joining Matteo's teasing remark: — Maybe the little lioness needs a cigarette to calm down. Meanwhile, she still heard Theodore's footsteps behind her.

— Hey, I'm talking to you, Mudblood. Theodore quickened his pace, grabbing her wrist, the first time their skin touched and it felt like she was burning against his.

— I said, FUCK YOU, NOTT, and don't fucking touch me. Y/n spun around so forcefully that her ponytail whipped across his face. In that instant, regret surged through her chest. Their eyes locked, and for a fleeting moment, she glimpsed a different side of him. — I'm sorry.

Her voice was barely a whisper as Y/n stumbled backwards, fleeing from the sight of the Slytherins as swiftly as the wind. She was scared, and Theodore saw it in her eyes, as clear as day. What Y/n didn't realize was that he was scared too.

In the days that passed, the school's security changed, which meant there was no security at all, not for her. This meant she felt safer inside her room than walking the corridors. Dumbledore was dead, teachers were as concerned as the remaining students at the school, and all this meant Y/n no longer appreciated meals, only eating when necessary. Theodore had noticed this minimal frequency, and the girl's tired appearance, who seemed not to sleep, began to worry him. He yelled at himself that he shouldn't be concerned.

One night, the Hufflepuff common room was completely deserted, doors wide open, and as Y/n repeated in her letters to her friends far away, there was no security at all. A strange noise from the other side of Whispered's room door made her rise from the bed where she was sitting and grip her wand tightly. When she was sure no one was there, she opened the door and looked at the plate of food on the floor, grabbed it, and placed it on her desk. She picked up the card beside it and read, 'I noticed you haven't been eating properly. It's important that you eat, bella.' Y/n stared at the plate for a few long minutes, afraid it might be poisoned, but when her stomach rumbled at the smell emanating from the food, her resistance was broken, and she quickly devoured the plate.

Over the next two weeks, similar things happened with several meals feeding Y/n when she didn't show up in the main hall. Over thirty cards accumulated in her drawer, and Y/n couldn't decipher all the Italian nicknames at the end of the notes, wondering who could be doing this.

Late one night, three days since Y/n had eaten anything, a knock on her door echoed, and without fear, Y/n opened it quickly, eager to see who was entering the Hufflepuff common room at such an hour. To her surprise, she saw Theodore Nott's figure quickly disappearing down the corridor.

— Hey! She shouted, running after him and grabbing his wrist just as he had done to her on several previous occasions. Her gaze fell upon him, looking unsure there.

— What are you doing? Y/n asked suspiciously.

— I can't be seen here — he murmured. Y/n stood still briefly until Nott pushed her back into the room.

— So what are you doing here? she asked again.

— You haven't been eating...

Theo said, pointing to the untouched food.

— That's not true. It was, but she didn't want to admit it to him.

— I know it is, dolcezza. Theo said, almost desperate, leaving Y/n confused.

— What are you still doing here, Y/n? Theodore asked, concerned, moving closer to Y/n, who for the first time didn't pull away from him in fear.

— I should be asking you what you were doing in my room. She said, ignoring his question. Theodore moved closer again, almost touching their noses.

— I'm serious, Y/n.

— I have nowhere else to go, Theodore. You were right, my family doesn't want me, so I'll stay. Is that okay with you? Y/n turned away from his gaze, walking away. — Thanks for the food, but you can go now.

— You have to leave. He whispered. Y/n shook her head, briefly glancing towards him without really meeting his eyes.

— Why are you worried?

— Because... because, I... He stuttered, unsure of what to say. — I... I want you to be okay, Y/n.

— Why? I'm a badblood,' as you all say, why does it matter? You never liked me, Theodore, I don't understand.

— Don't call yourself that way.

— Theodore.

The girl moaned and Theodore sighed worried.

— If they find you, they'll kill you. I...I...

— Theodore, you're not answering what I'm asking. Why are you worried?

— I don't know, Y/n. — Theo sat on the bed with his hands on his head and his arms on his knees, his eyes closed, and Y/n stood still in front of him. — I shouldn't, but I care about you.

— That doesn't make sense, you hate me, Theodore...

— No! I don't hate you. Theodore stood up quickly and approached her, almost touching their noses.

— But you always...

— I've always been an idiot because I wanted to get your attention. I wanted you to look at me. Theo said, closing his eyes and sighing in frustration.

— That makes no sense, Nott.

— No! It doesn't, but I don't know a better way to do it...

— Maybe act like a normal person?

— My mother would hate me for what I did to you and say I'm foolish. Theo muttered more to himself and ran his hands through his now longer hair.

— I think I've loved you since the first day you smiled at me, Bella. You have this thing, that pulls me to you. Theo whispered, and Y/n widened her eyes, expecting to find a prank.

— But you ran away...that's nonsense, how? Me and you, Theodore? What the hell are you talking about, my God. She laughed humorlessly and rushed away from the Italian's body, agitated. — Where's Matheo and Malfoy? Okay, YOU CAN COME IN NOW! I UNDERSTAND. She shouted at the door, desperate, and Theodore pulled her by the shoulders to look at him again.

— It's not a prank, Whispered. There's no one there, they know that, and it was them who told me to talk to you.

— You were about to run when I saw you, Theodore. She repeated. — I can't believe you could ever love a 'mudblood. She made air quotes with her fingers, and Theodore closed his eyes, groaning. — H-h-how could y-you love me, Theodore? She stuttered, feeling vulnerable, and suddenly Theodore's lips pressed against hers, the girl from her first day at Hogwarts was enchanted by Theo's beauty and intelligence, but when she realized he would never feel the same besides the eternal teasing resolved to slap her in chest of, now, doesn't

— Believe me, bella. Y/n nodded, getting lost in those deep blue eyes, and leaned in to kiss him once again, more harder. Their size difference didn't help at all, so Theo grabbed the girl's waist and set her on the desk in a way that she opened her legs to accommodate his body between them.

— The world is going to end, isn't it? — Y/n asked, placing kisses on Theodore's neck and fighting for the dominance he had previously taken, starting to distribute kisses along her neck.

— If no one stop this crazy wizard, yes, my princess. He said, giving wet kisses on Y/n's skin, making her moan and tilt her hips closer to his, seeking some friction against his pants.

— Fuck — she moaned once more, and Theodore found her lips again. His hand on her waist pulled her body closer to his, and Theodore groaned as he rubbed against the wet fabric of Y/n's panties with his hard erection.

— Shit, Y/n, you're so wet — He groaned this time, and Y/n nodded, clinging to him.

— Do you want to fuck me? Please do it, Teddy. She whimpered into Theodore's neck, who opened his mouth in ecstasy at the girl's words begging for him.

— Mia bellissima principessa, ti scoperò così bene. The Italian in Theo's voice made Y/n spread her legs wider in anticipation, seeking some friction against her clitoris.

— Please. — With that, Theo removed the girl's green lace panties, his provocative gaze falling on her form.

— Green panties? I think someone was longing for me. He said, biting the girl's shoulder, making her laugh.

— What can I do if... — Before she could finish her sentence, Theodore inserted two fingers inside her.

— So wet for me. — He groaned as he moved his fingers against her. — Such a good girl.

He repeated as she reached her peak, knowing she was close because he felt her tighten around his fingers. Just before she came, Theodore pulled his fingers out, provoking a frustrated moan from her, and removed his pants, revealing his erect cock with a red tip. Y/n's eyes shone in anticipation, and without him noticing, she got on her knees, grabbing his cock and pumping it before taking it into her mouth like a lollipop. After a few sucks, he pulled her back up, kissing her lips and smiling at her shiny lips. — I want to be inside you, principessa.

— Do it. — With that, Theodore spread her legs on the desk and plunged his cock into her.

— Damn, so tight. He moaned together with her as she smiled. Theo began to move at a fast pace, but not fast enough, making Y/n move her hips forward, trying to go faster. — So impatient. He said, then started to fuck her at a much quicker pace.

— Such a tight pussy for me. Theo moaned into her ear as the wet sounds filled the room.

— Fuck, Teddy, yes, uh-huh, fuck me like that. — She moaned loudly, and Theodore smiled with his neck buried in her neck, feeling her walls tighten around him.

— Are you going to cum for me, princess? Nott asked, and Y/n grunted, nodding. — Cum for me, baby. Cum on my cock, I know you want to.

As he said those words, Y/n reached her climax, moaning loudly and panting, smiling, still feeling Theodore's release above her as he continued to fuck her through her orgasm. Y/n leaned into his ear and did what he did to her.

— Cum inside me, Teddy. — She moaned, and Theodore opened his mouth, obsessed with this girl. — Cum inside my pussy. Please. Put your babies inside me. She said, and with that, Theodore pushed in several times with erratic but deep thrusts, spilling all his cum inside the girl who was now drenched.

— Why did i never admit what i want, fuck Y/n. Theo groaned and hugged Y/n's tired body, pulling her close.

— You're an idiot.

— Totally, come on, let's clean you up.

As days went by, Y/n and Theo's secret rendezvous became more frequent: stolen kisses, clandestine meetings in their room unnoticed by Professor Snape. Y/n brought calm to Theo, and he brought solace to her. Until today.

A chilling laugh echoed through the Slytherin common room, and Blaise burst in, his face grave.

— They're here... Death Eaters have arrived at Hogwarts, and that spells trouble for Y/n.

—They're looking for her, Theo. Blaise added, and Theodore pushed the girl behind him protectively. — You need to hide, Y/n.

— WHO'S GOING TO CATCH THAT LITTLE RAT WHO WAS RUNNING AROUND? Bellatrix's voice boomed from the stairs, and Blaise shook his head before departing.

— I'll try to stall them. Figure out your next move, Theodore. With that, he left the room.

— Theo... Y/n called to him, but his focus was on strategizing how to save her.

— Theodore Nott. They'll kill you if they find out I'm here. Y/n placed her hands on his shoulders as he hyperventilated.

— They'll kill you, Y/n.

— They know I'm here, Theo. They want me because of my family's history.

— I can't let them take you. Theo shook his head, pulling the blonde into a tight embrace.

— It's going to be okay. She murmured, looking into his eyes.

— Apparate with me to my room and take me as if you found me. It'll be suspicious if they find you up here. She said resolutely until Theo looked at her face, realizing too late how much he loved her, and apparated to the ruined Hufflepuff common room.

They walked to the dungeons, and before proceeding, Theo turned to her, kissing her, resting his forehead against hers, and sighed.

— I'm sorry for being foolish for so long.

— I love you, Theodore Nott. I spent six weeks with you and it was enough to know that you have a much bigger heart than everyone said, And I know I was right when I fell in love with you since the day I first saw you at fourteen years old. It's going to be okay.

Those were her last words before being handed over to the Death Eaters.

-------------

Requests are open💞

#harry potter x reader #theodore nott imagine #harry potter #lorenzo zurzolo #theo nott x y/n #theodore nott fluff #theodore nott x reader #theo fluff #theo nott x you #theodore nott angst #theo smut #theodorenottsmut #theodore nott smut #theodore nott

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minsh0e · 11 months ago

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mini astrology observations 1/???

hi hi ! these are my first (and probably last) astrology observations. i expect that you might not agree with any of these so i am open to criticism. i also want to point out, that i am not a professional. have fun reading <3

p.s. - the art belongs to kibong rhee/이기봉

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☆ pisces/12th house placements 🫱🏻‍🫲🏽being tired/sleepy all the damn time for no reason

☆ your house/sign stelliums might refer to the part of your body you should focus on when considering fashion. for instance: people with pisces/12th house placements might really like shoes, person with aries/1st house placement can look great with anything related to head (glasses,ribbons,hats etc.), taurus/2nd house people might look great with necklaces or any jewelry...

☆ i don’t know why, but I always get attracted to men whose mars trines mine venus…like four men that i found to be amazing, had all mars in the same element as my venus. the aspects weren’t mostly even that tight, yet i felt something!? of course this might not apply to you (because you should consider everything else in natal charts, synastry chart etc.), but men are represented as mars and women as venus after all…try to check this next time you like someone or if you are with somebody.

☆ people who have 3rd house or 5th house placements that are negatively aspected might have problem with presenting (even the ideas) or social anxiety disorder. both houses are related to youth so it may have showed in their early years. this will most likely be seen/felt if the aspects are present in between these two houses (for instance square).

☆ this is very random, but your mothers moon might be in the same sign as your descendant.

☆ scorpio placements (especially moon, mercury and mars) are so hard to deal with and not just for the person who has them, but also for everybody else around. for instance: my mom and sister both have these and i can’t argue with them as i always loose and come out as the “bad one”. these placements always stand up for their opinions and might say something harsh without really meaning to. they also might try to find excuses/backup for something to avoid being hurt (in conversations as well). deep inside they are very fragile…this might apply to aries placements as well.

☆ why are virgo mars men always thinking about “that thing” (aka. are h*rny). even when something innocent was said, they connect it with doing “it”. double points to those, who have mars in their 10th house.

☆ if the houses in the synastry are overlapping each other so that the 1st house overlaps with 1st, 2nd or 12th house (if the ascendants are close to each other), people with this synastry have bigger probability to complement/understand each other really well. that is because one persons placements may fall into the house that is same to their placement in natal chart or the natal chart of the other person. these people are at home with each other and probably went through the same life experiences, therefore they don’t need to be afraid to be judged. they just get each other. this is literally a soulmate connection. what i mean:

→ if you look at the neptune you can see, that they fall into the same houses. same goes for pluto etc.

☆ venus is what you like and what you want and therefore, it can represent your ideal partner and what you are looking for in them. this applies to both women and men.

...

okay, that is all. feel free to leave your feedback :)

edit: just checked this post and i don't know what to think...thank you all so much for such a reaction, i appreciate it a lot :D love you <3

#zodiac #astrology #astrology observations #astro observations #astrology notes #astro notes #natal chart #natal chart observations #synastry chart #synastry chart observations #astrology community #synastry #synastry observations

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shuenkio · 3 months ago

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Juno | Lhs.

Paring: Heeseung X M!reader | Genre: Fluff.

Synopsis: Thought he'd be disgusted by your love letter however who knows what he actually feels toward you? When your friend accidentally puts that for fun note in your gift that you're about to give him?

Cw: Nothing.

Non proof read | Eng is not my 1st lang.

A@N: Christmas's laterally 3 more months away but who cares, I wanna make a change 💪 plus Juno are on repeating, so why not make an inspiration fic about it?

The Earth's spinning, people are living their lives in their own way, especially with their loved ones. You wonder, to the point of this age, should you just grow old as an old bachelor or find someone? Well, looking at yourself in the mirror already answers all your questions; you find yourself didn't match your satisfaction.

Insecure about your look wasn't enough; another thing is you've been hopeless romantic all of your life. Deep down, you wanted to have someone stay by your side, holding your hand while looking at the sky when it's sunset, cuddle when it's rain, compliment all the sweet things you've ever needed every day, and last but not least, you wanted someone to love you.

It's a silly daydreaming; however, every single day you can't go a day without thinking about anyone randomly popping out, riding their white horse, kneeling in front of you, and asking you, Would you be their partner? That's kind of crazy. Ever since then, brushed it all off as if it's nothing.

Continue to work hard for your bill in this messy industry. Surprisingly, God always has his own plan; he won't let you die alone... Right? Apparently, there's someone just moving in next to your apartment, and it's a man. Oh my. No, you can't be thrill just because he's a man; M/N, behave yourself.

That's how thirsty you are; later on, you thought you're the problem and started to behave yourself to be less attracted to a stranger, especially a man. On one holiday night, while back from work as you were unlocking your door, it was a coincidence when the new guy came out at the same time. Both of you never get the chance to greet each other because you're such workaholics. He greets you with a warm smile on his face, offering a handshake, as you hesitated to but still did.

He then introduces himself as 'Heeseung' called 'Evan' for short. He also said he never gets the opportunity to meet someone, mostly who are his neighbors since they are always out of the house just like you. For now, Evan wanted to invite you for a coffee. Oh. Spare a glance at his towering figure up and down; you realize he's positive; no bad energy from him; yes, you happily agree. A day turns into a week, a week turns into a month.

Trying all your hardest not to fall in love with Evan, who likes to do all those weird gestures that make your stomach fill with butterflies every damn time. Maybe you lack affection, sort of. He looks cool, is an ACE in everything, at least he can cook ramen, is a green flag in your perspective, is gentle and respectful of the boundaries, but one thing that made you stop midway was he can't be gay.

Evan is probably a straight guy that you mistake with his clingy behavior. Sigh, a lesson of life learned as a homosexual person. It's not right to force him to like you back, isn't it? Not even right to confess your true heart when he's so straight code, or he's not? Or is it worth pouring away all the heavy weight in your chest? The TV play in the living room, an announcement that today is going to be snow on this special day too, a Christmas day.

Brainstorming to seek out his favorite thing as you pop out an idea by gifting him a logo set; he loves it too much you couldn't understand why. As you were preparing the gift with all your friends together in a room before going out to celebrate in the city, you suddenly wanted to write a confession note for fun—write everything that had been living in your heart for a long time that has been hurting—a poem, to be honest, well, a little freaky, because you know you'd throw them away anyway.

"You make me want to make me fall in love."

"Wanted you to adore me back, hold me like you always did, and always joke, telling me I'm your only friend."

"Sorry, I like you, but I can't help it." "Liking you was the best experience in my life, and I hope for nothing but still us to be friends."

Out of the blue, coincidentally, once you finish the note, your friend happens to pull you for a group photo. While you were busy posing, one of your other friends had nothing to do, so they went to wrap all the gifts of all of them. Usually, at every Christmas festival, they are in charge of who does the wrapping. The group united is over; after they're all stepping foot in the city, they've all vanished. Holding your gift like a lost child, looking at the crowd of people who's busy with their own business.

The snow keeps falling down from the blurry sky nonstop, so cold yet it fits the vibe you were going for. Snuggle your hands inside of your pocket; you leave the scenes as you drag your feet to somewhere quiet, your favorite park that used to be lively but now it's a field of snow. Taking a hot breath under the cold temperature, a shadow cast towering upon you, looking up to see, it was actually your greatest neighbors, Evan.

"What are you doing here, Fox?"

"Me? Oh, just chilling; I don't like crowds anyway." response, the tip of your nose turns pink, which makes Evan find it adorable.

"Why? It's Christmas; you should go enjoy yourself!" Taking about Christmas alarms your mind; you take out the wrapped gift and hand it to him. He caught off guard to the gift you have for him. Everyone would give him gifts during this festival; never make him flinch but you, a different story.

"Ugh, don't get the wrong idea; you're my neighbors after all; neighbors gift neighbors, isn't that normal? Take it, unbox it," take a hold of his palm, and give him the gift while waiting patiently for his expression. Hearing you say those, he did as told. Unveil all the tie, tearing all of the paper. Evan sees a cartoon Lego set inside with a small scratchy note that is about to be trash. The corner of Evan's lip, tight into a cocky smile as he takes out the small note, and hands up to the light street nearby. Maybe he didn't laugh at the Lego set but something else.

Seeing a note that you did not put in there and a confession note too, your eye wide open. The heart inside of your chest is pounding and racing far from the beat. You were nervous and panicking. How can it flow in there? Oh, wait, don't tell your friend to put it in there; naur, screw you. Quickly get up from your seat. I wanted to grab that note away; however, who are you kidding, he was 180 cm while you? A tiny little person.

"Evan, give that back; it's not; it's not the right note. My friend mistakenly put them there. DON'T READ IT." jumping up and down, up and down to snatch the piece of paper away, which is no use. All you got was to exhaust yourself.

"Oh, let me see, hmm, mistaken? But I see your name under here from me, M-N. How is that a mistake?" Realizing Evan already read it, you stop there frozen; the outcome would be something you are not going to like. Same goes for Evan too. You thought he'd be all serious and disgusted by your love note yet replaced by giggles. Um what?

"You, M/N, why have you not told me sooner?"

"Because... You look straight, i guess. Sorry to assume, but you did look like it."

"Oh, come on, why should I be straight when you're alive?"

"I beg pardon??"

"The word 'I like you' is out trending, so I'd say I. Adore. You, my M/N. My gift for you is

'i love you too'

🗣️ please mind my English! ><

🗣️ Crd to all the room rightful owner: [divider Alanitalenia]

🗣️ ps: I was dead ass sick writing this, but still cooked anyway 🫂.

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0097linersb · 1 month ago

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DESPERADO

Pairings: Jaehyun x Reader

Genre: Idk tbh kind of drama kind of angsty probs smut

Summary: Sitting in an old Monte Carlo.

A/N: GUYS gUESS WHAT!! I wrote this when I was like 17, over 7 years ago lol but I found it on my old computer and I kind of like it for some reason???? BUT THIS IS SUCH A CLICHE OMG A MAFIA AU SHOWSTOPPING NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!! Alsoo this will be really short, 3-4 chaps max

Chapter 1

You could feel all eyes on you, burning holes into your skin as you entered the Diner. The whole room suddenly went quiet as soon as you closed the glass door behind you – But that could also be an illusion caused by the loud thumping deep in your ears.

You force yourself to walk to the farthest booth available, praying your wobbly legs would not fail you like you felt they would, trying to ignore the whispers from the workers; It was kind of indecorous, but you could understand it given the situation. A young woman, in her pretty pink uniform, carefully approached your table. She looked kind, even worried maybe.

“Can I get you something?” She nervously asked and you felt thankful she did not ask you any personal questions.

“A chocolate milkshake, please.”

Your voice was trembling and barely there but the waitress excused herself as you went back to ripping a napkin into dozens of small pieces, unable to get your hands to stop fidgeting. You probably wouldn’t be able to hold anything down in your stomach but you just needed to try and get your mind to stop screaming for a few minutes. The sun was setting and the darkness taking over the sky made you even more anxious, letting you know they already had enough time to realize what was going on. Every car that passed outside made you nervously look up and slide even further down your seat like it would help you hide. You should have changed, you would attract less attention then - At the same time, it’s not like you had an option, really.

You jumped when the waitress, Moira said her nametag, placed the brown drink in front of you. You felt like throwing up at the sight but slowly forced yourself to swallow the cold liquid, despite your body’s complaints. It was a small town, not far enough, news of your whereabouts wouldn’t take long to reach their ears. You had to go somewhere, soon.

 You didn’t have enough money for a ticket out of state - You barely had enough money to pay for the milkshake you ordered. The car you had stollen didn’t have enough gas to take you anywhere and even if it did, you didn’t have the ability to drive it any farther than you had already struggled to do. You hands shaked as you cursed yourself for not thinking things through.

You wondered about your mother; she was most likely crying.

No, she was definitely crying. You would be too in her place. If the adrenaline wasn’t rushing through your body to keep you alert, you would probably be in tears right now. It was not like you to cry, but you could find an excuse for yourself considering you were facing a life or death (mainly death) situation. You just hoped they had enough consideration for you to give you a simple death, enough for your mom to be able to look at your lifeless body without screaming in panic - Something about knowing you were minutes away from a gun barrel pointed at your head brought out the cliché poet in you.

“You should follow the road up north; it doesn’t have a pretty scenery but it’s by far the fastest way to get to the Interstate,” Moira’s conversation with a man three booths down from yours suddenly caught your attention, ears perking up.

“Is there a hotel close by?” The owner of the deep voice asked.

“There’s only one downtown, we don’t get many tourists around here. There are also some motels around two cities up.”

“Perfect, thank you.”

Your eyes widened when the stranger stood up, you didn’t have much time to think. You hurriedly went through your bag, trying to find some coins to leave in the table beside your half-finished drink before running out of the door as fast as you could, tripping more than once over your long dress as you crossed the parking lot after what seemed to be your last hope.

“Wait!” You screamed at the man opening the door of his car.

He stared at you in surprise and you tried to catch your breath, managing to let out a tangled “Take me with you.”

“Excuse me?” His eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t look very pleased to be interrupted.

“Please. I need to get out of state,” You pleaded.

“I’m sorry. I can’t get caught in a runaway bride’s drama at the moment,” The stranger apologized with a dismissive nod of his head before resuming the motion to enter his car.

“Wait. I have a car, an expensive one. You can have it!”

“I already have a car, as you can see. Good luck, though.”

“Please,” Your voice breaks as you beg, volume barely above a whisper. That man was all you had. “They are going to kill me.”

The tall male in front of you examined you from bottom to top in silence and you felt yourself cowering under his tense jaw, which was ironic considering the people you were used to being around. It was when you felt tears starting to sting your eyes that the man took a deep annoyed breath and ended with a cold, “Get in.”

“Thank you so much,” You finally let out all the air you were holding, hurrying to the passenger seat before he could change his mind.

You were silent as the man started the car and drove out of the Diner’s parking lot, his harsh gaze showing you he didn’t want to be bothered. You closed your eyes and tried to regulate your breathing, repeating to yourself it was all going to be fine; they wouldn’t be able to catch you if you kept moving. When you felt your heart rate slowing down, you finally let your eyelids fly open, watching the white skirt of your dress (which was now black from dirt) in disgust. It was a beautiful dress, big and flamboyant, you were sure it cost a lot of money – You just wished you were someone who wanted to wear it.

You realized you still had the veil positioned carefully on your hair, although it was probably crooked and ripped by now. You harshly untangled the pins from your strands and rolled the window down, throwing the white fabric out on the road before closing the glass again. The man next to you watched in amusement but still didn’t say a word. You wished you could sleep, something you haven’t done in weeks – But you didn’t think you would be able to for a while. Your quick naps out of exhaustion were getting you through the days. Barely.

At least the sky was pretty, a dark purple with little shiny dots all over. The moon was nowhere to be found, maybe it was ashamed of you too.

“Ugly fiancé?” The man’s voice surprised you. It was clear he was trying to humor you, but his expression didn’t match his tone.

“I wish,” You sighed, leaning your head back in the seat and forcing your voice to work. “I’m Y/N, by the way.”

“Jaehyun.”

“Nice to meet you, Jaehyun. Please don’t be a serial killer.”

“It seems like that would be the least of your problems.”

“I guess you’re right,” You smiled, but it did not reach your eyes. You took another deep breath before asking, “What are you running away from?”

“Who says I’m running from something?”

“Why would you ask what’s the fastest way out of town if you weren’t?”

“Maybe I don’t like traffic.”

“Traffic in this area? I’m desperate but I’m not stupid. Did you actually kill someone? I was only joking -”

“My personal business concerns you as much as yours concerns me.”

“I’m not frugal with my secrets.”

“Entertain me then.”

“It’s barely as fascinating as it seems: My family’s business had me entangled with some dangerous people who forced me into a commitment I was not interested in partaking in, none of the parties will be very happy with my little rebellious act.”

“Are you really putting your life at risk just to not be part of society’s patriarchal plot?”

“This is hardly about that, although I wouldn’t expect you to understand, as a man. Plus, my life would be at stake anyways; At least like this, I can worry from a distant beautiful beach, with a sweet cold drink in hand, instead of being fucked by a man who wouldn’t mind killing me one bit. I was thinking about Mexico.”

“If they are anywhere as powerful as you describe, it would not be hard to find you there.”

“Right. Maybe Brazil then, who knows?” You shrugged, knowing these were all insane dreams you were probably never going to be able to experience. It was fun to amuse yourself. “What about you, where are you going?”

“Far.”

“So mysterious,” You roll your eyes. “It’s not like I can afford going out babbling about your plans.”

“I’d rather not give you the chance.”

“Suit yourself. Thank you once again for the ride.”

Jaehyun only nodded.

As you watched the cities pass in silence, you noticed your throat was very dry, but you imagined you must be arriving at your destination if the man next to you was following Moira’s tips. It was already late and your whole body ached, the adrenaline’s effect fading bit by bit as you tried to fool yourself that you were safe.

“Why are you helping me, knowing I’m involved with dangerous people?” You wondered. Truthfully, you knew it was a stupid question since you were the one begging for his help, you just wanted to hear him talk more, his deep voice made your vision stop spinning for a few seconds.

“I can fight,” He shrugged. Again with the toneless jokes.

“I don’t think fists would be very useful against the Kim family,” You chuckle at the absurdity, you probably had all local thugs looking for you as you spoke.

Who would have thought this is how your life would turn out?

“Who said I don’t have guns?” He smirked at you for the first time, and you just stared at him, an unreadable look on your face that made him slightly nervous. “Don’t act surprised, you’re the one who entered a stranger’s car.”

“I’m not. I was about to marry Kim Doyoung, weapons don’t shock me,” You sigh, hiding the fact you had a handgun (which you had stolen from your fiancé's collection) in your purse - Maybe you would need it, Jaehyun could turn out to be, in fact, a serial killer after all.

“Kim Doyoung, huh? You really got yourself in a big mess. His father isn’t someone to play with.”

“Do you know him?”

“I met him briefly for a business transaction a few years back.”

“Your line of work just keeps sounding shadier and shadier, should I be worried?”

“You tell me, you’re the mafia’s doll.”

“You’re really thinking about handing me over and asking for a reward, aren’t you?” You squeezed your eyes at the man.

“Maybe,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone but you knew he wasn’t being serious, as you were indeed, heading North. Regardless, growing up with your family taught you to never trust anyone.

You caught yourself pitying your mother once again when Jaehyun slowed his car into a Motel’s parking lot with a simple “We’re here.”

You languidly nodded and got out of the vehicle, stretching your sore limbs before staring at the man in front of you in expectation.

“Don’t look at me like that,” He shook his head and opened the trunk of the car to get his luggage. “I’m booking myself a room and you can go on your merry way; it was nice meeting you.”

“I have nowhere to go.”

“Luckily for you, we are in the perfect place for you to spend the night.”

“Do I look like I have any money?” You rolled your eyes.

“Well, not my problem,” He shrugged, closing the trunk and making his way towards the building’s reception. “I’m sure you can find a gentleman that would be very happy to pay to spend the night with you.”

“Can’t I just sleep with you?” You ignored his suggestion of prostitution, not judging it worthy of your attention.

“And have the Kims knowing that not only did I help their pretty bride in her escape, but also shared a bed with her?” He quickly turned around so you could see how his chest rumbled with laughter before going back on his way. “Funny.”

Why was he being so complicated?

You quickly looked around to see if anyone could possibly be watching, but decided it was dark enough for your foolish just-thought-out plan. You were not really proud of what you did next but, in your excuse, you truly were desperate and the way your mind was all over the place didn’t help you make much sense of the situation.

“Jaehyun,” You called, purse briefly discarded on the floor next to you.

The man sighed and turned back once again, but he stopped laughing when he saw you – Jaehyun’s face flashed in shock for a single second before it morphed into an amused expression instead. Head cocked to the side; he surprised you as he leisurely started approaching your figure once again.

“Oh, princess,” He lowly chuckled at your shaking grip on the gun’s handle. “If you’re going to point that at me, you better know how to use it.”

“Take me wherever you’re going with you,” You demanded, ignoring his remark. You weren’t actually going to shoot him, you just wanted to, to… - this really wasn’t a well-thought-out plan.

“I truly can’t, but I appreciate the passion,” He smiled, raising his hand to calmly aim the gun at the floor instead of at his chest.

 You simply used the side of the weapon to slap his hand away before pointing it back where you wanted it, “Why not?”

“I’m heading across the ocean.”

“That sounds perfect, I’m sure you can manage to get me some fake documentation like you probably did for yourself.”

“And what do I get out of it?”

“My company. Also, I do know how to shoot.”

“Do you really?” He raised an eyebrow at you, staring at you like you were the most entertaining thing he had ever seen in his whole life.

It was unnerving.

“Yes. I can help you with whatever dubious business you have, I’m a fast learner,” You inform, not really knowing what you were offering yourself for, but figuring anything would be better than being the mafia’s bitch.

“C’mon,” He rolled his eyes, but let out a delighted chuckle anyways when he turned around. You knew he was making fun of you, but it didn’t matter, it got you what you wanted. “And put that thing away.”

You hastily picked up your purse and shoved your gun back inside, running after Jaehyun to catch up to him.

                              _______________________

You learned after a few days that Jaehyun wasn’t a man of many words. He also refused to share a bed with you, always asking whatever motel you passed by for a room with double beds, and if they didn’t have one, he would just sleep on the floor despite your complaints. It was frustrating that you still didn’t know what it was that he did to make money, and every time you asked, he simply said it was no job for women, which you knew was something he said just to annoy you.

You could tell he didn’t put much faith in your offer to help him, but he still entertained you, letting you know he would give you a chance to participate when the day came. Honestly, if he wanted to drag you around the country for free, you weren’t going to complain.

Jaehyun was incredibly annoying with all of his superiority sense. When he spoke, only back-handed remarks or teasing comments left his mouth, it was clear he didn’t take you seriously and it was slowly driving you insane – If he called you doll one more time, you wouldn’t think going back begging on your knees to Doyoung would be such a bad idea.

But, despite his whole attitude problem, Jaehyun was nice to you in silence: He lent you his clothes when you didn’t have any and took you to a store downtown to buy new ones when you passed through a city he has been to before, not complaining about having to pay for all of it. You remembered how he silently watched as you set your wedding dress on fire in the parking lot of the random motel you chose for the night, or how he took you to the movies after you tried to call your mother from a payphone and ended up sobbing for the first time in years.

The man left you alone during most of the days, running whatever business he had in the different cities you visited. He sometimes came back with cuts and bruises and you cleaned him up with a harsh look on your face, but at the end of the day, you had no right judging him when he was the one bringing food and putting shelter over your head. He eventually taught you how to do the guns’ maintenance and at least now you had a role, getting the weapons tidy and ready for the next day. You wondered for how long he would accept carrying you around without asking for anything in return, he didn’t seem all that interested in bedding you and he knew you were as poor as one comes; Maybe he would just kill you.

“Have you ever killed a man?” You had asked one day as you cleaned the inside of your gun’s barrel, on the little table at the corner of your rented room.

The man had simply looked up from the newspaper he was reading on his bed and raised an eyebrow, “Have you?”

“Can you ever answer anything I ask?”

“Can you ever pay for your own stuff?”

You dropped the subject after that.

As cold as Jaehyun was, it was clear he was beginning to grow fond of you. At first, he had treated you like some sort of charity project to acquire his pass to heaven, but as time passed, he started unfolding layer by layer. One day he brought a wine bottle to celebrate something, he didn’t tell you what exactly, but he did tell you all about how his mother used to study French and he learned it just by hearing her practice. He also told you how they used to plan on moving to France when he was little, how he and his mother spent hours talking before going to bed about how their little house would be, him promising her he would help take care of the garden so they could have many beautiful flowers. Both of you sat on cheap wooden chairs in the motel’s parking lot, drinking the wine under the stars as if you lived inside poetry – Jaehyun started smiling after the fourth glass and you did believe life was art in that moment.

“My family has some property in France, I’ll take you and your mother there one day to show you my gratitude,” You offered with an easy smile.

The man turned his head to look at you, you could see his dimples but his eyes looked sad, “Your family´s really rich, huh?”

“Old money.”

“How are you adjusting to this new side of life, princess?” He joked, meaning all the cheap rooms and dirty bathrooms your life had become.

“It has been… An experience,” You laughed lowly, like being loud would disrupt the universe above you. “I’d trade my old life for showering in a gas station’s sink any day.”

Your quickly developing bond was made clear when one-night, Jaehyun got back to your shared room to find you trembling on the floor, hugging your legs as blood stained you all over. Jaehyun didn’t even look at the body next to you on the floor, he just silently picked you up and took you to the bathroom.

“Are you hurt?” He asked after placing you on the toilet and turning the hot water on to fill the tub.

You shook your head in denial, eyes lost on the floor.

He didn’t ask you any questions that night, he simply undressed you and placed you on the warm water, softly rubbing all the blood from your skin and hair for hours. After emptying and refilling the tub for the third time so the water wouldn’t be red anymore, Jaehyun left you soaking and when you finally had the strength to get up and go back to your room, the sun was up and Jaehyun had already taken care of everything. You didn’t have it in you to ask what he had done with the body, but that day he drove for hours to get you out of there. You could see he was exhausted but with a tense jaw, he ignored as you cried for him to stop, only parking the next night when he felt you would be safe for the time being.

 That night he did sleep with you, held your hair up while you threw up and forced you to eat whatever he managed to find in the reception.

Eventually, the shock of playing God became bearable and Jaehyun started pestering you about your gun. You had tried leaving it behind on 4 different occasions but he had always picked it up and brought it with him, hiding it in your purse just in case you needed it. You just didn’t feel comfortable carrying it around anymore, the feeling of warm blood on the palm of your hands was not something to be taken lightly.

“Now that we know for sure they’re after you and catching onto us, you should always have your gun,” He had lectured and you simply closed your eyes, not needing to be reminded.

Some nights later, he got to the motel of choice to an empty room and completely panicked, heart almost jumping out of his throat as he saw the silent space until he eventually found the note you had left on the bedside table.

Went into the woods, will be back late.

He didn’t wait, immediately locking the door and rushing into the trees behind the motel. He felt like he walked for hours but it was probably what his nerves made it feel like, cold sweat running down his neck. When he did find you, all the screaming about irresponsibility he had prepared and the desire to tie you up somewhere so you would just behave, were forgotten at the sight in front of him.

“You have a bad left eye; you should always aim a little bit more to the right.”

You jumped in surprise at the sudden voice but followed the instructions. You had always been a good shooter, even before Doyoung - but Jaehyun was right, you did have a bad left eye.

“The carnival is in town,” You had excitedly informed a busy Jaehyun on a Friday afternoon. “Saw it on the newspaper.”

“Hm.”

“Can we go?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Do you perhaps enjoy having a target on your face?” He looked up at you from the bag he was organizing.

“We’ve been running for weeks, there’s no way they know where we are. Please?”

“Stop whining, you’re not a child and it’s not cute.”

Later that day, he took you to the carnival.

He was tense the whole night and only agreed to stay for an hour, but you managed to convince him to ride the Ferris Wheel and buy you some game tickets. You knew you would have to leave behind all the prizes once you had to skip town and hit the road again - You sure complained about that, earning an eye roll and silence in response, but a few days later you found the plushie elephant you had liked the most hidden in the trunk of Jaehyun’s car.

You had lost track of the time a long time ago, days started losing their meaning to all the different rooms and cheap restaurants. Your location was a mystery that didn’t really intrigue you, but you figured you had probably already crossed around half of the country by the change of scenery. Jaehyun didn’t leave you every day, he once in a while stayed “home” and you were surprised to find yourself hoping for those moments when he would read his French books out loud from his bed and you would enjoy the sound of his voice as you stared at him – But pretended to be sleeping every time he looked up.

On days he did have to leave though, he didn’t always wake up paranoid. Occasionally, he gave you some money to go explore whatever town you were staying in for the next day or two. You always returned with a little trinket you thought he would like, and he always scolded you for spending money on useless things, but you were way past the point of feeling like a child under his gaze anymore – You just had to learn how to hide the smile on your face when you caught him wearing one of the things you had “gifted” him.

You imagined he was happy at not being bothered by your constant whining over being left alone and bored every day.

“You know what I miss the most?” You lightly kicked some water at the man sunbathing next to you, ignoring his annoyed groan. “From being rich, I mean.”

“Having servants who were obliged to put up with you?”

“The Balls. They were quite boring at first, but at the end of the night when most guests had already left, the band always started playing better music for me and I had so much fun dancing,” You smiled fondly at the memory, eyes lost deep into the pool. “Doyoung was an excellent lead.”

“Did you love him?”

“Sometimes,” You shrugged. “He was a gentleman, but at the end of the day we had many fundamental differences.”

“Like torturing people.”

“Like torturing people,” You nodded. “He tried teaching me how to drive, you know how a woman driving is viewed by society.”

“What a good man,” Jaehyun rolled his eyes sarcastically.

“Never said he was. But he treated me well, besides the whole trying to make me his property thing.”

“Do you think there is such a thing as being morally grey?”

“You, caring for my opinion?” You raised an eyebrow at him, even though he couldn’t see it behind the funky sunglasses you had bought the day before.

“You’re the only person I have to talk to,” He shrugs. “Entertain me.”

“Your luck. But I guess I do, yeah.”

“Why?”

“Well, I’m not sure. I used to think people were either good or bad, but now I see that as with most situations in life, there is no such thing that is completely black or white. Look at yourself, for instance.”

“And what do you mean by that?”

“Exactly what I said, I still have no idea what you do with your life, but I’ve gathered enough to know it’s not accounting. But you’re nice to me. Also – At the end of the day, I did abandon my fiancé at the altar and killed a man, but I don’t feel like I’m a bad person. I think.”

“You’re wearing heart-shaped pink glasses, you don’t have much to worry about,” He smiled at you, his eyes squinting - You hadn’t noticed they did that (It’s not like Jaehyun smiled much).

“Is this the face of a killer?” You joked, pressing your palm to your cheek.

“You kill one man and start acting like you’re going to dethrone the Kims,” He rolls his eyes amusedly and you laugh. “Want some lessons on torture next, princess?”

“As if you could teach me,” You provoke, trying to get him to finally tell you about his line of work.

“You’ll need to be smarter than that,” He winks at you and you huff in disappointment.

You stared at him quietly for a while, he looked relaxed for once, even happy if that wouldn’t be pushing it too hard.

Jaehyun was lying down next to the pool, one arm behind his head and his eyes closed. The golden light of the soon-to-set sun hit his skin and made it look like honey and his ashy bangs messily hit his eyelids. For once in your life, you felt your heart warm, like if you could spend the rest of your years staring at Jaehyun looking this peaceful, you would. He just felt familiar, like home – It was you and him alone against the world.

“We need to cut your hair,” You smile fondly, reaching your arm out to move his strands away from his face.

…………………………………………………………….

Even though on most days you felt your heart burst in joy at the jiggling sound of the door handle when Jaehyun got home, you often found your heart feeling the same at the angry bang of the door behind his leaving form after a fight. You sometimes felt guilty over screaming at the man who was most literally keeping you alive and giving you everything in exchange of nothing, but he was just so simply infuriating and his patronizing little “princess” and “doll” remarks didn’t always sit well with you, especially after a restless night filled with anxiety and worrying that one of the Kims' men could just burst into your room and stab you to death.  

Jaehyun was not a soft man, he had no problem with throwing things in your face or making comments that could almost literally pierce you when he was angry, but thankfully, after everything that you had to go through and almost being sold to strangers, neither were you. If the Kims didn’t get to you first, you were sure the two of you would kill each other one day, there was only so much of hearing about how you were a spoiled brat with absolutely nothing in life that you could take.

One of these days, Jaehyun came back way after midnight, thankful you were already asleep because he could still feel the fire in his veins ready to burn you if you gave him the chance. He was already stressed enough with work businesses; he didn’t need you to throw him over the edge with your sarcastic comments.

Jaehyun quietly took a shower and got on his bed, throwing the covers around in annoyance until he heard you sniffing. His whole body tensed, alert.

“Y/N?”

Silence.

You tried to be quiet, not wanting to deal with Jaehyun in that moment but wanting him to hold you at the same time. It was the fourth time that week that you had woken up desperate after horrible dreams, ranging from your maid being tortured to Jaehyun never coming back home. That night, you had dreamed about your mom begging you to come back or else the Kims would kill her, she looked bloody and puffy from crying, bruises and scratches all over her body as she sobbed and screamed in pure panic at the sight of her torturer.

“I need to go back,” You whispered after a while, eyes glued to the ceiling.

Next chap soon

#jaehyun #nct jaehyun #jung jaehyun #jaehyun nct #jaehyun smut #jaehyun angst #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun fics #jaehyun fanfic #jaehyun scenarios #nct smut #nct fanfic #nct 127 #jaehyun au

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poem-i-wish-i-wrote · 5 months ago

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First date haircut

Pairing: Lando Norris x reader Warning: Absolutely none Summery: Where Lando scores the pole and the first date requested by @misspygmypie . I hope you I did justice to your vision. Hope you enjoy this<33

You were walking into the paddock, pass in your hand, ready for another day of work. As soon as you reached the opening where you would swatch your pass someone crushed into you.

“Good grief, Lando! Watch where you are going.” You yell at the British driver who was trying to steady you by your elbows.

“Sorryyy, I was in a rush, I didn’t see you.” Lando explains. “Clearly. How could you see me, with that bush of hair in front of your eyes.” you say. He puts his hands on his chest in a mocking offence. “Let’s hope you can see the track through that hedge.” you say with a sarcastic eye roll while swapping your paddock pass.

You were one of the performance engineers for McLaren. You have been here for a few years. You know Lando pretty well. You both have a very flirty relationship full of banters, and he very often jokes about taking you out on a date. That sarcastic exchange before was a very frequent happening.

You go to the garage and set up. Today was practice day or Friday as the peasants would say.

At some point Carlos comes into the garage and greets you.

“Y/n what did you tell Lando this morning?” he asks you with that thick spanish accent of his. “ Why? He crashed into me this morning and I insulted his hair.” you say with raised eyebrows. “He's been in the hospitality centre asking me if his hair looks bad since I have arrived.” You burst out laughing at that.

“Well I won’t lie, he could use a haircut.” you say in between chuckles. “I think the weight of his hair dumbs him down.” Carlos starts laughing at that too.

“Maybe cutting some hair weight could make him faster on the track”He adds as you both chuckle . “What are you two laughing at?” Lando’s voice comes from behind.

“Your hair.” You say.

“Hey you said it looked good a few minutes ago” Lando says with an accusing look at carlos.

“Because you were whining and I needed you to stop” Carlos shrugs.

“Maybe you should get a haircut.” You say looking up at him. He doesn’t miss a before he looks into your eyes challengingly and say “maybe you should go out with me,” with a aly smile,

“Well not when you look like that.”

He rolls his eyes at that. “Moving on. What’s the weather report my little data scientist?” Now you see, when he jokes about taking you out on a date you always refuse. But you Can’t deny That you don’t find him attractive. Especially right now when he has one hand on the table beside your own hand, another on the chair you're sitting, leaning towards your computer, calling you his little data scientist. That man makes you dizzy.

You gulp, “It’s gonna rain tomorrow, but today should be pretty dry. As per my calculation today the fastest lap for our car could be less than 1.5 but due to the weather and the traction of this track, tomorrow the fastest you can go won’t be this much.” Carlos was listening to you intently but Lando had a very unserious face.

“We should probably do good today at practice. But the condition of our car might not be suitable for tomorrow's weather. As there was some damage from the last race. So I’d probably say drive a little safe out there in qualification. Life’s worth more than a pole position, right? It should be dry on race day.” You see Carlos nodding. But Lando had a mischievous look now. “ So what I am hearing is you think I can’t get a pole tomorrow?” you roll your eyes hearing that. “Is that a challenge L/n” Carlos chuckles at that.

“No it’s definitely not a challenge.”

“Oh come on L/n don’t back down now. You’re better than that.” he says, moving your chair a bit so you face him.

You probably shouldn't have said what you were about to. It really wasn’t very professional of you. But his eyes on you had the sensible side of you in a puddle. “Say what, you get the pole tomorrow, I go on that date you are dying to take me to.” Lando wasn’t expecting that. It took him by surprise but the expression quickly turned into a smirk.

“Oh you're on” he replies as Carlos stands there watching you two kids flirt. “Kiss already” he wants to say.

You are horrified and overly joyed at the same time when the commentator is explaining how the boy you have a bet with has gotten pole position. On the other hand Lando wanted to jump from his super fast moving car, not being sure what he was more excited for, the pole position or that he gets to take his crush out tomorrow night. When he finally gets to the garage later that day, his first instinct was to find you. “See Y/n you never should have doubted me.” “ I never doubted you, I doubted the weather and the car condition.”

“Excuses, excuses” He says with a dismissive hand gesture. “You can’t get out of this now. We had a bet, you need to go on a date with me.” You hesitate, this wasn’t a good idea. Carlos comes up behind you. “Y/n grant the boy that date already.” he urges. You smile slightly "Only if you get a haircut, i don’t wanna be caught associating with someone looking like that.”

The next day, The race went very well. Carlos had finished in p2 and Lando in p3. It was an extra celebration. Lando was super happy. While sitting on the podium after the race interview while smelling like champagne and sweat he could only think about you. He waited for this opportunity for a long time.

When all the work for the day was done he went to the garage to find you. You were sitting on your desk tidying up everything.

“Hey” he says from behind, caging you between him an the desk with his hands both sides on the table while leaning towards you. His voice sent goosebumps on your skin

“Hi my podium sitter,” you say while looking up at him. He flashes the sweetest smile.

“I’m taking you out at 7. Dress pretty. I’ll meet you at the hotel lobby at 7?” He says, kinda hoping you wouldn’t back out at the last minute. But he had his fears. But fortunately you gave him a smile and said “alright.”

Lando was freaking out about what to do, where to take you, what to wear. He might have been dying to take you out for a long time. He was busy for the race weekend to actually come up with a good plan. Carlos was sitting in his hotel room bed watching the boy pace in circles.

“Lando, don't be so nervous, it’s going to be okay.” The boy turns towards him with a distressed face. “Okay?? Okayy?? I don’t want it to go okay! I need it to go great! This might be my only chance to impress her. She won’t go on another date with me ever if this goes wrong. “ Carlos got up to stop him walking in circles and held him still by his shoulders. “You got her to go on the first date, you’ll get the second date too. Just take her on a simple dinner date. Be a gentleman, get to know her. I can tell, she really likes you. It will go great.”

Lando visibly relaxes. “Dinner date, yes I can do that.” Carlos goes ahead and picks up the scissors he brought with him. “Come on now, it’s time for you to get a haircut.”

You were in your room with Missy, the only other female performance engineer on the team. You had your whole suitcase emptied on top of your bed trying to find an outfit.

“I can’t believe it took you so long to go out with him. He's been asking you forever.” You roll your eyes. “I don’t have shit to wear.” you sigh. “Let’s go shopping, what do you say?” Missy suggests.

That’s when your phone beeps with a notification from Carlos. It showed a photo of him cutting his hair. With the text “Getting him ready for your date.” You show the text to Missy and both of you laugh.

You still had like 3 hours before your date. And you really wanted to look good for Lando. You get up taking your purse. “Let’s go.”

Lando was standing in the lobby waiting in a white dress shirt and grey pants. He was very nervous. But that was until he turned around to find you walking towards him. You were wearing a white dress with ruffles in the end. The dress fell above your ankles and you were wearing white laced up heels. Lando could swear his heart stopped beating the second he saw you.

You look across the lobby looking so handsome and enamoured by you, it felt like your knees would give out by just the look in his eyes.

“Hey,” he says as he takes your hand in his. “You look breathtaking.” You smile up at hi “You don’t look half as bad. The haircut suits you.” you say cheekily. It did suit him though. So much so That you almost ran your hands through his curls.

He takes you to a fancy restaurant. You both talk for a long time. He listens to you with great attention, hanging into your every word. You both flirt, make fun of each other. You realise it comes easy for both of you. Being with Lando felt easy and comfortable. The lovesick look in his eyes. The way he would call you “love” while asking you what wine you wanted. It all felt right.

After dinner was done. You two were just talking and drinking wine. He reaches for your hand across the table and lovingly strokes his thumb across it.

“I’ve been waiting for this long time. I hope it’s not the first and last time we get to do this.” he was looking at your hands, not meeting your eyes. You gave his hand a little squeeze making him look up. “I don’t want it to be the last time either.”

#f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #lando norris #f1 x reader #f1 #lando norris x reader #lando norris x you #lando norris x y/n #lando norris x oc #lando norris x female reader

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thesamoanqueen · 5 months ago

Text

Anatomy of an affair II

A/N: second chapter and I think I'll finish this mini series in the next one, but I hope this isn't useless anyway because I really tried to build a particular tension... y'all know what I mean. Once again, dedicated to Aly~

The first lessons had been... an experience, let's say. The classroom was always packed, a crowd just waiting for him as if he was somekind of an event. Throngs of students in the front row hanging on his every speech, giggling and sighing at every word, always waiting at the door as if gaining the best seat and attempting physical assault at the end of the lesson would somehow make the difference or attract his attention. Writing his reports and some notes for myself, I learned that that kind of technique didn't work. Not that I wanted to look for the right one, on the contrary... I tried as much as possible to keep my feet on the ground, my mind clear and my legs closed so as not to reduce myself to those levels.

It was difficult though. The rough sound of his voice as he talked about muscles, bones and organs made it a challenge to focus, especially now that he was starting to get serious with lessons and I had to work hard so as not to end up like most of those desperate people who now couldn't find the show so entertaining anymore. My eyes constantly fixed on his muscles and organs, a perfect example of what a man should have been like in anyone's dreams, as if mother nature had taken special care of him to teach ordinary mortals. It was probably my unconscious seeing him like this in search of my well-deserved revenge on Tobert or maybe it was some kind of psychological test of my twisted mind to prove my dedication was stronger than temptations, but sooner or later would have been time for a real test and along with it, the others I still had to finish preparing for.

I was close going crazy, I knew it and with a sigh I ran a hand over my face, checking my phone to understand what would occupy my only hour of break that day. Lunch was already taken, but not by my meal and as if I had summoned him, Professor Reigns appeared in front of me again, almost making my phone fly out of my hand. I suffered from PTSD after our first face off and I had the impression he liked it.

- “So?” – he asked, with an amused smile, seeing me immediately get back on my feet like a soldier.

He absolutely liked it.

My mouth opened without a sound, unable to form even a silent insult, but as soon as my synapses began to do their job again I understood. The lesson, he was talking about the lesson. He wanted the report and didn't care what I was doing with my phone or my life. Of course.

- “It was... intense” – I admitted, seeing him listen carefully – “I think more than a few people got lost towards the middle now that we’re going deeper. There are already requests for more information, should be the same topics I wrote down during the lesson, I have the note here...” - I started rummaging in my bag looking for the notebook in which I had taken them, realizing with a silent curse that it was identical to the others that I constantly dragged with me to study everywhere.

- “It's here somewhere... just a moment, it's right here” – I apologized, already feeling anxiety increase as seconds passed and he waited, looking at me in silence.

I hadn't lost it, I couldn't have lost it, I had put everything back in my bag leaving the room empty, I had been very meticulous, but what if it had happened? Was it a possibility? If I forgot a notebook I could forget a gauze during an operation, a doctor could never be so absent in them mind!

- “Here” – he interrupted me, ignoring my search to hand me one of the cups he had in his hand.

I took it quickly, trying to continue with my free hand, but he stopped me, shaking his head, lifting my chin with a finger. The sensation, however quick and innocent, paralyzed me and I looked at him with wide eyes as he pointed the matcha he had passed me.

- “We’ll take care of your notes later, drink now” – he ordered more seriously this time and if my eyes were wide open before, they must surely have rolled out now, like in one of those cartoons I watched in Tobert's living room when we were both kids.

- “Me?!”

- “I'm a big guy but two is too much even for me” – and yes, he was right, but I still couldn't believe that he had bought something for me.

None of the professors I knew, not even the ones I was close with, had ever offered me anything. Usually it was students who did it, a show of respect, the opposite was strange, it couldn't happen... or could it? He had done it and he was acting like it was no big deal. Maybe he felt obligated because it was almost lunch time and he had asked me to stay longer, hadn't I seemed happy? Had I made a bad impression?

Trying to regain myself, I followed him as he headed down the avenue that led to the residential area of the campus.

- “It wasn't necessary, I could have taken it myself if”-

- “Tea is a natural cortisol inhibitor and you should keep your levels low.”

I had to keep what low? Jesus, I wasn't sleeping well and I had so many thoughts on my mind but was I really in such bad shape he suspected I was unwell?! I looked at myself in the mirror that morning, I wasn't so horrible, I had also put on a cute new jacket.

- “It’s some kind of dyagnosis”

- “It's a lesson. You are used to doing multiple things at the same time, but add the load of studying and unnecessary activities, it means more stress on a daily basis and when the brain detects a stressful situation the HPA axis is activated, releasing cortisol. High levels of cortisol for long periods of time risk damaging the brain, changing its anatomy in some cases. Drink it, it can become a good habit” – he explained and my stomach did a flip.

I wasn't a kid anymore, but I had been taking care of myself for so long I wasn't prepared for that kind of attention. I had always taken my responsibilities seriously and he had noticed my efforts after just a month of working together, he had noticed what I did even outside of the tasks he entrusted to me. Tobert had never noticed anything, I could have been sick and he would have only noticed if I threw up on his shoes, for the shoes obviously, not for me. Yep, it was a strange comparison and had nothing to do with it, we didn't have that relationship, we didn't have a relationship, but it didn't change the fact he had been attentive to me.

- “... thanks sir” - I murmured, unable to formulate anything else, overwhelmed by a sudden sense of embarrassment and he smiled one of those absolutely inappropriate smiles, watching me suck from the straw to hide my lack of words.

- “You must be in a good shape” – his comment almost made me choke, but he didn't seem to notice, walking unbothered under the yellowing trees of the campus with his takeaway.

He hadn't said it in that sense, there was no sense, what on earth should I have been in shape for if not to work?! I just had to stop thinking and follow him. Yes, I had to, but I didn't know where and I was only realizing it now. In fact accepting without knowing what I was getting myself into, it was becoming a dangerous habit with him.

- “Where we going? The next meeting will take place this afternoon” – I remembered, trying to play it cool.

I was sure of it because I had checked before joining him in the morning, so as to know when he would be free and consequently I should be free too, but he had blocked me as soon as the lesson was over, while we were still in the classroom.

- “My apartment” – I heard him reply with his usual nonchalance.

The sound I made in response wasn't a word, it wasn't even a noise, I didn't even know what it was, but I started drinking my matcha again like my life depended on it because I definitely needed to lower my stress levels now.

***

The apartment the university had provided for Professor Reigns was nowhere near the dorms and had nothing to do with mine, in comparison I was paying for a stable to share. It was an big apartment, a real one, furnished and with all possible comforts, it had its own private parking space and a delightful view of the central building with its characteristic bricks and avenues. It gave the impression of a movie location, especially because despite being used by a man it didn't seem to be. It was tidy, clean, impeccable just like its current owner, there were even carpets. Professor Reigns had given me a copy of the key, so I could use his house instead of the office that was constantly besieged by students and once I had overcome the anxiety of being in his most private space, I was grateful to finally be able to study and work for him without risking collapse between lessons or unpleasant looks from other students.

With my laptop open and the last notes for the test I would have on monday in my hands, I heard the front door open and after a while I saw him emerge, his hand already scratching the beard that was starting to turn salt and pepper, in that gesture I had learned to decipher. He was incredibly dutiful, but seemed to have a limited social battery and quickly became disinterested in matters that were not indispensable or fundamental to him.

- “Something wrong?” – I asked, watching him take off his jacket to make himself more comfortable and go directly to get some coffee in the kitchen.

- “We have to review my agenda next week, some appointments are not really necessary and take up time from the research project for the course” – he explained and I hid my smirk, nodding with my head down.

Oh yes, that battery ran out quickly and he didn't even bother to recharge it. It was crazy how he was gifted with everything that attracted attention, but he didn't care. There were men who would have given anything to have a position like his and that kind of success in every field, when instead he kept his distance.

- “Chemistry?” – he asked, glancing at my notes.

- “I had answered all the emails and the outline for the next lesson is ready. I made a copy, it's in the other room along with the preliminary test drafts” – I replied quickly, closing the laptop, while he sat down with a sigh.

- “Stop making excuses Savannah, I told you to do it this way and you're doing it. It works, right?”

- “Yep… it's more comfortable than the office” – I nodded, seeing him mutter a "good" before silence fell.

I had been working as his assistant for a month now, trying to make the most of the opportunity he had given me, but I still hadn't been able to talk to him about why it all started and why I kept making excuses, even though he always seemed more likely to tease me than make me pay for something. I had prepared for that discussion, reciting it in front of the mirror, to my roommate, I knew what to say, in the beginning it had been the only reason why I had gone looking for him and yes, maybe now I could have pretended nothing had happened because we seemed to work well together, but I already had another pending conversation with Tobert and that was enough. I needed to get another man off my shoulders and another thought out of my head.

- “Professor” - I started, but he stopped me immediately.

- “Roman. At least when we're alone. I'm not a professor, I told you.”

Roman?! I tried to start a conversation that was difficult for me and he cut me off by demanding I call him by his government name?! It was a joke. As if I could ever talk to him with enough confidence to reach those levels! Yes, we weren't that far apart in age, I was sitting in his living room minding my own business, after the agreed time, while he was there sipping coffee in that decidedly too tight shirt and staring at me, but he was still a professor, a famous doctor. It was very clear in my mind whenever other thoughts crossed my mind: don’t push the boundaries.

- “I don’t think I”-

- “I do.”

Speechless, I watched him put down his coffee, those eyes that I struggled to get used to focused on me without the slightest intention of giving in, with the expectation of actually seeing me do it.

It was inappropriate. We didn't have that relationship, we couldn't, it was forbidden by university rules. I thought, I hadn't checked and I wouldn't, it had to be and even if it wasn't, my mama had raised me well. She had taught me to be respectful, not to put myself in unseemly situations, and calling him by his name seemed like the kind of thing that would push me over boundaries. Yet the idea of not doing what he told me, with his full attention, made me lower my head and nod.

I was thinking too much, he wasn't asking for intimacy, he probably just wanted some normality and I instead needed to focus on what I had to say to him to make things right.

- “I still haven't apologized for what happened the day we met” - I started again – “I... I didn't want to sound rude, Im sorry, my mind was somewhere else and I didn't realize I was actually there and not alone.”

I wasn't that kind of person, I didn’t like myself people who always made a scene, but Tobert had hurt me without even caring, I felt so humiliated and offended that I freak out. I still couldn't tolerate the thought of having wasted so much time on someone who after a month didn't understand I knew and kept acting as if nothing had happened. But I was trying to move forward, I was dedicating time to myself and not wasting it.

Something in the way Professor Reigns, Roman... looked at me seemed to change and I saw him tilt his head to look at me, thankfully without a trace of resentment to me.

- “It was quite obvious” – he commented at the end, almost with understanding and although I could finally have sighed with relief, I nodded, sucking my teeth before speaking.

- “I could have avoided it. It wasn't worth it” – I said, pressing the pen I was holding in my hand with annoyance.

Wasting tears on a boy – he wasn't even a man with his little shrimp between his legs – like that had been an insult to myself that I regretted terribly. I had known Tobert forever and yes, I had feelings for him, but he had never been perfect, not even close to being perfect, me more than anyone knew that. It was like adopting an ugly stray dog that you become attached to. The amount of stupid things he did or got involved in was unquantifiable and he hadn't mentally grown a day since we were sixteen. I couldn't continue to close my eyes, pretend I still didn't see like his mama, if after having put my future at risk to support him, he was now also disrespecting me sticking his little thing in every available hole instead of building a life together. The asshole would have paid me with interest, I would have made him miserable. I just had to figure out how.

- “You need help?” – Professor Reigns asked and I straightened my head, for a moment fearing I had spoken out loud, but he pointed to the notes in front of me with amusement.

- “Oh, no, absolutely not, I can do it by myself, in fact it's better if I go” – I hurried, recovering everything I had scattered around while he was away.

It was already enough to witness the process of him creating his lessons and preview his notes, I couldn't stay there and use him as a personal tutor when the week was already over. Plus it was also getting late and it was best to avoid staying until the evening, people loved talking about everything and he seemed to be one of the favorite topics for a good portion of the students on campus.

In silence, feeling his eyes on me, I put everything in my bag as quickly as I could to meet his gaze just before leaving.

- “See you next week then Sav” – he greeted me.

- “Have a nice weekend.”

***

After days Tobert decided to make himself heard. Our circus was doing great, it was actually the third time he had called me in a month and he had had the courage to ask me if I was thinking of coming back in the next weekend. As if I were rich or had someone to see again in that shitty city! But I knew why he was asking, unlike him I had a brain whose cognitive functions did their duty and by imposing calm to myself, knowing what I was up against, I had hit social media as soon as our unforgettable three-minute conversation was over. I obviously hadn't found any trace of abandonment syndrome symptoms on his pages, but another video had showed up, this time on the page of one of his coworkers who I had also known for years. A new butt in the background, the umpteenth night and I had started writing my confession to the police for when I’ll dissected him, I was ready to take my credit.

Taking me out to calm down – or more likely distract me from murder – had been my roommate's idea, but between tequila, spicy food and cocktails it had been inevitable and both Mya and my friend Shanice had joined, watching endlessly the new video sitting at the table of one of the many clubs under the Memorial Bridge.

- “You could wait and say no to him at the wedding” – Mya proposed, cleaning her fingers from the loaded fries with which we had tried to buffer the effects of the alcohol.

- “As much as I'm sure you'd be able to wait that long, he'd have to propose first and I don't think that'll happen if he acts like this” - Shanice echoed, shaking her head in disgust at the sight of Tobert enjoying himself without a single thought in his mind.

The proposal. I had never imagined such a moment, I was more practical than romantic, but I had always taken it for granted it would happen, sooner or later, because what other alternatives could we have after all those years together? The answer was more than I thought and they all led to that fat unknown ass that he was enthusiastically groping thinking I didn't know anything.

- “He's too miserable to afford a ring” – I reflected, downing yet another shot of tequila like it was water and both Shanice and Mya looked at me.

- “Damn Sav…”

- “Yep, maybe it's better stop drinking and watch it. Eats, is gonna help”

It wasn't the alcohol that made me talk, I was simply disgusted. There had been a moment, however brief, when I thought maybe I should give him a second chance, be the bigger person once again, for all the years we had spent together. The first kiss, the first time, I gave him everything, but that stupid asshole forgot everything as soon as I loosened the leash, to drool over a bunch of total strangers who wouldn't even answer the phone in a moment of crisis and certainly didn't know him like I did.

- “Is that…” - I heard Mya call me, pulling me by the shoulder and I turned to look, choking.

- “Why is he here?!” – I asked, staring shocked at the bar counter, where Professor Reigns was discussing with a group of friends.

With a beer in hand and a less serious outfit he didn't look like a professor at all, but rather the kind of trouble most women would look for, the red flag you hope for. He was smiling, joking, in the yellowish light of the place, with music and voices filling the room, I watched him captivated as he emptied the rest of his beer, those hands capable of feats in the medical field tightly wrapped around the bottle, his throat in sight, his dark beard. I felt like I could smell him even from where I was sitting, no chemicals perfumes, just the smell of him and it was a strange sensation that made my body tingle. I shouldn't have dwelled on certain details, I shouldn't have noticed them, but he attracted my attention like a magnet.

- “Well, he has a life outside of university, busy one too it seems” – Shanice noticed, eyeing him without the slightest discretion and she wasn't the only one.

We had only noticed him now, but he certainly hadn't escaped the eyes of the other women in the club. A couple of them sitting not far away continued to stare at him and chatter, probably waiting to meet his gaze for their silent invitation. I knew the moves well, I saw them every day in class and when we walked across campus together, more or less brazen attempts to which he didn't even react, almost as if he didn't see. And maybe it was like that or maybe he didn't stoop to pay attention to anyone because he was already taken, I had never suspected anything since I worked as his assistant, but a man like that had to be taken. He was the kind who would never stay on the market with that perfect body and a successful career.

- “You know, he could be your solution” – Mya mused, sipping her cocktail with a thoughtful face.

- “I know, that's why I keep working as his assistant.”

- “So you can smash him?”

- “What?!” – I almost screamed – “No! I was talking about exams! He can help me with my goals!”

- “Nah, stop it, you'll pass them anyway, your goal at the moment is to make that asshole of your boyfriend, ex or whatever he’s, pay and you could get revenge riding him. Mya is right. Sex helps with a lot of problems”

- “He’s a professor, my professor, a well-known doctor and Im his assistant.”

Hello?! Was it just me who noticed and had a problem with it? It wasn't something to do! It couldn't be! They shouldn't have suggested it to me!

- “More practical, no one will find out. You said sometimes you two worked in his apartment to.”

- “He gave her a copy of the key.”

- “Uh! Yeah!”

I had worked and saw his living room, nothing more and they knew it, I had told them!

… and also his kitchen, for coffee yes. And the bathroom, I went there too, but I spent hours in his house working, I had to use it sooner or later! But nothing more! I would never have dared, I was even careful no one saw me going in and out of there at inconvenient times.

- “It's on the campus, inside the university, y’all can’t be serious?!” – they couldn't make me think certain things, they had to support me, help me, not create bigger problems.

- “I would do it”

- “Same here. It's such a good idea!”

- “I mean, why not?! You get it?”

- “If not her someone else, take the opportunity sis!”

- “Louder!”

- “Ok, good, I've heard enough” – I silenced them, getting up and leaving my money on the table.

The weekend was already testing me enough, I couldn't stay there a second longer and put other ideas in my head, there were already enough of those on a daily basis and that I had to keep at bay without having received yet another delusion or getting drunk.

- “What? Where you going? Come on, Sav! Get over here” – Mya tried to stop me, but I had already taken my bag and jacket.

- “I'll take an uber, see you at home” – I said goodbye, taking my way out of the club.

- “Don't you dare start studying again!”

- “And don't open IG!”

I was no longer listening to their recommendations, too busy with my phone to understand how soon I would have a car to go back. In that part of the city there were many clubs, it was very busy, but to my series of bad luck was added the only uber available was fifteen minutes away from me and resignedly I tightened my jacket once outside, peering across the road, where I could see the bridge and the skyline over the dark sea.

This night had only served to give me other thoughts and certainly hadn't helped distract me from what Tobert had done, again. Part of me knew that if I didn't do something soon I would go crazy, every revenge deserved a plan to get some justice and satisfaction back, but I needed to explode, to punish him immediately for the wasted years and humiliation. Knowing he was out there doing what he wanted, thinking I was so stupid to don’t understand or find out, filled me with frustration. I was better than him and would probably be even better if I hadn't spent my entire life babysitting him, how could he even conceive of treating me like this? Me?! And with all due respect, for someone who seemed like the cheap experiment of a pervert who had never left home!

- “I thought you had an exam on Monday” – the tone scared me to death and I turned quickly, discovering I was no longer alone.

- “Professor!”

- “Roman” – he corrected me.

- “Yep… I have it, it wasn't a lie” – I hurried to explain and immediately bit my tongue.

I was justifying myself. In a very bad way too, I wasn't even credible and it was frustrating because it was clear I could have avoided it since being off campus wasn't a crime.

- “Breathe, you’re always so tense” – he suggested to me, his voice calm, low, so reliable.

Gripping my phone, I nodded, avoiding his gaze as silence fell between us and his words echoed in my head. I had the feeling the alcohol in my body had suddenly decided to make itself felt now he was there next to me, a mixture of anxiety and heat that went from my neck down to my chest, my belly and lower, made me feel vulnerable and certainly the conversation with my friends before leaving didn’t help. I hadn't thought about meeting someone I knew, I hadn't thought about seeing him or talking to him, I was just trying to get home as quickly as possible and try to sleep with one or better two pills to keep me out of trouble. My fifteen minutes of waiting, however, were becoming an eternity and my eyes went to the blank screen, a gesture he obviously noticed immediately. He noticed everything, always.

- “Are you waiting someone?” – he asked, checking the road.

I was far from home, on the verge of exhaustion, there was no one waiting for me. Just hours of studying and too many thoughts... maybe Shanice and Mya were partly right, it would have helped me distract myself with someone, but I had too much dignity to risk picking up another idiot, a life with Tobert had made me almost completely insensitive to men. Almost.

- “I wanted to go back to the dormitory” – I explained and he turned around again.

- “That's not the answer to my question” – his tone was more peremptory this time and I looked at his tense jawline.

We had gone from not having to give excuses to explaining why I was there with my phone without even noticing and the way he was standing in front of me was making me wish for more tequila in my body.

- “Im waiting my uber. It’ll be here soon” - I said, unable to look away now.

He was an exception. He wasn't one of the many idiots inside a club. He was a grown man, with a successful career, goals similar to mine, plans for the future. I knew all that glitters wasn't gold, I could see it in his brown eyes, in his dangerous smiles, in the way he seemed to capture everyone who walked by him into his orbit, but it was the kind of risk someone would even seek. And he was fascinating, so damn perfect he made the air between us and my legs tremble.

- “I'll give you a ride. My car is there, cmon”

Something in my head told me to accept immediately, a part of me even cheered at his words, the impulse that during lessons made it difficult for me to take notes and filled my mind when we were alone with thoughts I had never had for anyone else. My friends would have pushed me without even thinking about it and the alcohol was playing its part, but I still shook my head no, looking up at him from the distance that separated us in a weak attempt to resist and remind myself, him, there were boundaries I shouldn't have crossed.

He was my professor, he could have become my mentor, I would have gotten into trouble.

- “I can wait here” – I tried, but my words didn't seem to reach him.

- “I won't let you go with a stranger, get in my car Sav” – he decided for me, without listening any replies, taking a step in the direction of the street before looking back at me.

For a moment, I clutched my phone, praying for something, for someone, anyone, to interrupt whatever was going on between us, but it might have been fifteen or thirty minutes, nothing happened and I moved numbly, following him with my heart racing and sure I was about to do something I never imagined.

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