#I should have done psychoanalysis but I’m saving it for next week to do instead of feminist

[faeriefully]

Man I hate having to pick the liberal prompt because I don’t have time to work my counter points into every paragraph of the paper while still getting an A

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 9 - ‘The Kindest of Kisses Break the Hardest of Hearts”

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 , Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8 (swear I’ll make a masterlist soon)

Summary: Back in London, you find unexpected help in the form of Ives. But when Neil comes back sparks fly... ✨

Warnings: Swearing.

Author’s Notes: So here’s the chapter I’m incredibly excited about... Suppose I should thank Dior for inspiration in this one. Hope you enjoy this as much as I loved writing the last scene! Please let me know what you think!

You did not remember the last time you were this happy to be back in London. After the mission in Paris was done, Jasper went back to Boston, and you were free to do what you wanted. You contacted TP, told him how the mission went (without certain details), and in return, got told to wait for more information regarding the next steps. By your estimation, it was less than two weeks left till Kiev and the day when the mysterious plan will be set into motion. You were scared.

Ever since that day in Paris when Neil called, you had a difficult time maintaining normal conversation with him. He would message asking about something as mundane as how your day went, and you would only respond with a short sentence. You could not really explain it if asked. It was as though after hearing his voice and letting yourself have that conversation with him, all the doubts came back with a tripled strength. Suddenly you could almost believe Jasper and his harsh words suggesting that you were not important in Neil’s eyes. Maybe he just liked flirting, and you were conveniently there? That sounded rather plausible. Ever since you started naming those thoughts, an ache in your chest was hard to ignore. And so you did the best you could, which in this case meant low-key ghosting Neil and losing yourself in training and work. 

Surely with enough time and space, you would get over it (him), right?

That was the state of your mind the day when rather surprising help appeared. You have been back in London for a few days and have not really interacted with anyone. Usually, you would spend two hours in the shooting range and then in a sparring session. After you were done, you would retreat to your room and try to ignore the texts that were still occasionally coming. 

“How’s London treating you? Say hello to Anna from me” you glanced at the screen and frowned.

The instant temptation to text back was still there. Only now, it was tainted with much more anxiety and uncertainty.

“It’s alright, rather quiet. I haven’t seen her around though. Maybe she’s moping after you”

Like I am? You sighed and chose to focus on notes from the physics class. You were saved from the study by an unexpected knock on the door. Without thinking, you got up and opened it, only to see Ives standing there with a cheeky smile on his face.

“Hi” you muttered, worried you have forgotten how to behave like a human being.

“Hello, love” he grinned “Hope I’m not interrupting anything?”

“No, I was actually rather bored” you admitted with a sheepish smile.

You heard the distinct buzz of a text message but chose to ignore it. You were slowly getting better at the game. 

“That’s terrific because I thought we could have a coffee in the canteen and chat” Ives’ thick cockney accent was somewhat adorable.

And you could definitely do with a distraction.

“I’d love that” you beamed back at him and left the room, locking the door behind you.

As you walked side by side along the corridor, you struggled to say something.

“How did you know I’m here?” finally you settled for a rather easy question.

“I’ve seen you at the shooting range in the morning” he watched you closely for a short moment “You’re fucking amazing, did you know that?”

“Oh no, I’m really not” you felt your face heat up.

“Yeah you are” he playfully nudged you in the side “You could probably teach me a thing or two”.

You glared at him and then quickly considered your options.

“Only if you taught me how not to be knocked out within the first two minutes of the hand in hand combat” you knew you could use help in that department.

“Deal?” Ives stopped and turned to you with an outstretched hand.

“Deal” you shook it with a grin.

Once you made it to the mess hall, you noticed with relief that it was rather quiet. You both made coffee and sat down at the table in the corner. After a few moments of comfortable silence when you sipped your drinks, Ives spoke up:

“What have you been up to?” he was eyeing you curiously.

Even though you barely knew him, you felt at ease. There was no enigma of TP to him or Neil’s intensity. Instead, he was just a friendly bloke with sharp wits.

“Oh you know, shit mission in New York and now even shittier one in Paris” you frowned at the fresh memories “Though I suppose the recent one at least ended with success” you mused.

It was true not all of your missions have ended with a huge fuck up. And that was somewhat encouraging.

“With Jasper?”

“Yeah” your frown deepened, and Ives grinned.

“My condolences. He’s a right pain in the ass”

“Well said” you laughed, finally feeling some of the tension of the last few days dissolve.

But it was not meant to be for long. Before either of you spoke again, you heard your phone buzz. You took it out of the pocket and glanced at the received text. It was him, of course. You grimaced and placed the phone screen down on the table as if to avoid the temptation. All the while you felt Ives’s attentive gaze. He has not missed a thing.

“Neil?” he asked, watching you closely with a neutral face.

“Yeah…” you shrugged, avoiding his stare “I’ll probably sound pathetic… but do you know where he is?”

Once the question was out of your mouth, you felt your cheeks heat up. It was one thing to worry about him daily. Another to actually voice the worries. But Ives did not seem to mind. He quickly considered something before leaning over the table.

“He’s in India, dealing with some sudden disruption. I was there with him in the beginning” at your unspoken question, he added “He’s fine, often said that’s partially thanks to you” he eyed you carefully, and you looked down at the table, flustered.

“It’s more that if I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t even need help in the first place” you mumbled, feeling the guilt gnaw at your heart.

Still, sometimes you kept wondering why on earth had he decided to shield you back in the bar. But any possible answer to the question meant having to assume something about Neil’s intentions. And that was dangerous territory.

“Should I ask?” Ives’ question brought you back to the present moment.

“Better not” you smiled wryly, and he just nodded.

“He wouldn’t shut up about you sometimes, you know” he spoke up again after a short silence, making you look up.

You were not sure you liked the cheeky smirk that appeared on Ives’ face. You were not going to give in.

“He’ll get over it in no time, I’m sure” you feigned nonchalance as you finished your coffee and met his gaze.

“Are you two good?”

You just shrugged. To be frank, you had no clue how to answer that. Was there even such an entity as ‘you two’ when it came to you and Neil?

“Well, whatever is going on, know that I’m ready to slap some sense into him if needed” Ives grinned at you, and you beamed back.

“Appreciated”

The next few minutes passed in companionable silence. That is until your brain rudely decided to suggest another pressing question.

“Is he there… alone?” you cringed as soon as you said it aloud.

No point in trying to sound disinterested…

“Nah, Wheeler stayed with a couple of others” his stare was way too knowing.

You felt a sharp stab of pain in your heart. What even… There was no reason to be jealous. Right? As you were internally debating what the new feelings were supposed to mean, you failed to notice Ives’ grinning at your distress.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous” he was enjoying it way too much.

“What? No, I’m not” you tried to scoff at this insinuation but failed miserably.

“Yeah, you are” that’s how you learnt that Ives had his own version of a shit-eating grin.

Was that a part of the Tenet work application?

“Mate, Neil and Wheeler wouldn’t fuck each other even if I paid them. But I’ve seen the way he looks at you” Ives wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and you groaned.

You glared at him, unable to come up with any good response.

“What? I may have only seen you two together once, but it was clear to me that dear Neil is interested. Very much so” he smirked at your wide-eyed stare “But I don’t think that’s in any way news for you” he squinted his eyes as though trying to see right through your soul.

“Please, let’s leave psychoanalysis for another date” you grabbed the phone from the table and looked at him pleadingly.

“Of course” he grinned “When shall we have our first sparring lesson?”

“Tomorrow morning. Be there at 9” you got up “Thanks for the chat”

“Anytime, love” he waved as you left the canteen.

*** Combat lessons with Ives have proven to be a gift from the gods in the days that followed. He would accompany you to the shooting range afterward as well under the pretence of wanting to learn from you. Even though you were sure it was utter bullshit as he could hit the marks as well as you, if not better, you appreciated the sentiment. To say that his help in the sparring sessions meant you have greatly improved would be an overstatement, but certainly, additional tips slowly started to make a difference. All that distraction meant you also spent much less time wondering about Neil’s whereabouts and asking yourself existential questions about your own feelings. That was probably the best outcome of the situation.

Another morning of the sparring session began with you and Ives meeting in the gym as usual. 

“Did you sleep well?” he asked as you entered the gym.

“More or less” you grinned, stifling a yawn.

Last night you spent way too much time overthinking the text exchange with Neil. All it took was for him to mention ‘the fun you had in New York’ and then compare it to the recent night undercover. To you, it meant that Jasper was right, and you were just another ‘flirting companion’. And that shit hurt.

“That will have to do then” he tossed a water bottle in your direction, and you caught it easily.

You set it down on the side and the mat and stood facing Ives. After a short warm-up, he began showing you the way of blocking punches aimed at your upper body. While the demonstration always looked easy, once you went onto the practice, you have begun to struggle. After getting a third light punch to the shoulder, you huffed:

“Maybe I should just give up and become a sniper” you rubbed the aching spot.

“That could work” he grinned “Though I’m not sure how Neil would feel about that career change”

“Fuck Neil” you made sure to put up your guard, expecting another punch.

“I see how it is” Ives smirked before he threw a hit towards your other shoulder.

This one you blocked. And the one afterward as well. Slowly, with only a few mistakes, you got the hang of the game. That is until you were interrupted by someone clearing their throat by the door. You both turned to see Anna standing there.

“Y/N, can I speak to you for a moment?” she sent you a fake smile.

Christ…

“Of course”

You looked at Ives with panic in your eyes before you followed her into the corridor. Anna was clearly uncomfortable with having to talk to you, and that did not ease the tension.

“What’s the matter?” you spoke up first, hating the awkwardness of the moment.

“Neil called me yesterday” she paused, and you frowned.

“Yeah?” if she wanted to torture you, she has succeeded.

“He wanted me to let you know that they got Steiner in New York” despite Anna’s best attempts at keeping her face neutral, you knew she was enjoying this.

“Okay, thanks” you smiled weakly, trying to ignore the jealousy building up in your chest.

“Oh, and he says he should be back next week” now she was smiling dazzlingly.

“Great” you mumbled and showed her your brightest grin “Thank you”

With that, you chose to end the tortures for you both and went back into the gym. At Ives’ questioning stare, you just glared. He understood instantly.

“Fuck Neil?” he offered you a sip from the water bottle, which you gladly accepted.

“Mhmm”

There was so much to unpack from what Anna told you. Partially, you knew your ghosting was to be blamed for the situation but still, it hurt. Especially the unspoken fact that Neil has called her. You knew you were being ridiculous but could not ignore the feelings that were attacking every fibre of your being.

“Ready for another round?” Ives looked at you worriedly.

“Absolutely”

*** A few days later, as you left a meeting covering suspicious activity around London, your head was most certainly elsewhere. Ever since the awkward situation with Anna, you were not sure what to do with yourself. Only carefree moments were those you spent in the shooting range or learning hand to hand combat with Ives, who was surprisingly great at distracting you.

Walking along the corridor, you were too busy worrying about all those texts you have ignored to see where you were going. With eyes trained on the floor, you barely registered the surroundings. And that is why you were incredibly surprised when you unexpectedly collided with something solid standing on your path.

“Fuck” you muttered before slowly realising that you have, in fact, walked into a person.

You felt someone’s hands reach out to steady you by wrapping around your waist. The next thing you registered was the smell. A very familiar one that you have tried to repress from memory for the past few weeks. You felt panic surge through your whole body before you let out a long exhale and lifted your head.

“Didn’t expect our reunion to be that dramatic, but I’m not complaining” Neil grinned at you with that smug look on his face you have grown to hate.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you” you choose to stare at his tie.

A nice burgundy one which he has worn in New York, during the mission. At the memory, your cheeks grew somehow warmer, and you squeezed your eyes shut, hoping to be swallowed by the earth. But to no avail.

“Are you alright?” his voice broke through the increasing paralysis.

“Yeah” you forced yourself to look up at him again.

The concern in his eyes only made your desire to run stronger. But his grip on your waist was unyielding. You were acutely aware of standing in the middle of the corridor. Anyone could pass by and see you like that. But it looked like Neil did not care.

“I tried calling you last night” his voice was tense.

Shit.

“Sorry I was busy” you were a terrible liar.

And, of course, he saw right through you. You noticed how the look in his eyes went from concern to serious worry, and you desperately wanted to flee the scene. He was studying your face, and you tried to look anywhere but at him. After a beat, he must have found some answers in your conflicted expression because he relaxed the grip on your waist, giving you a way out.

“If I said anything wrong…” you were thrown off by the slightly wounded look in his eyes.

Now that you actually could run away, you did not want to. Not without making sure he understood.

“You haven’t” you took a deep breath, trying to calm the racing heart “It’s… just things that Jasper said and stuff… it made me think” you mentally groaned, annoyed at how you could not form a coherent sentence.

But Neil understood as he nodded and reached for your hand. You let him lead you to a quieter spot in the adjacent corridor. You were still paralyzed with conflicting feelings, but now also curious. The voice in the back of your head kept on reminding you how much you have missed him. You had your back pressed against the wall and stared as he slowly stepped closer, making your personal space non-existent. It was suddenly hard to think about the reasons why you should not let him be this close. The look in his eyes was unreadable to you.

“I don’t know what that idiot told you or what’s going on in your head, but it’s all wrong” you felt his free hand slide up your arm to rest on your neck and gently caress the skin there.

It was embarrassing how you responded to his touch with your body tensing and goosebumps appearing where his fingers made contact with your skin. It was hard to lie, even to yourself.

“Why should I believe you?” your voice sounded breathless already.

You knew you should have never let him get this close before you talked. But still, the way he looked at you was surprising. Any train of thought was interrupted when he brushed the pad of his thumb over your lower lip. His eyes were darker than usual, and the intensity of his gaze alone made the flutters in your stomach appear.

“I’ve got a few reasons”

Gently he tilted your chin and covered your lips with his. You gasped at the contact and felt him smile against your mouth. Then, as though a switch was flipped, Neil started kissing you hungrily, and you responded in kind, letting your teeth graze his lower lip. When his hand wrapped around your neck, you felt lightheaded and breathless. But still, you deepened the kiss, making all the feelings you have tried to stifle lead the moment. It was scaringly easy to do. Only once you felt like you had no breath left, you broke the kiss and stared back at Neil with a dazed expression. That was not what you expected from your reunion.

“Hope that beat whatever Jasper had to offer you” he grinned, and you enjoyed the sight of his subtly swollen lips.

“Please don’t remind me” surprisingly, you could still form a sentence.

But that ability was soon to be gone as you watched mischievous sparks shine in his eyes. His lips curled into a smirk, and you knew you were fucked. In every meaning of the word. Before you could react, he leaned in closer again, kissed the corner of your mouth before leaving a trail of kisses down to your jawline, and then crook of the neck.

“Neil…” you breathed out, trying to somehow stop the situation from getting out of your hands.

“Yes?” he interlocked his fingers with yours, pinning your joined hands to the wall.

Perfect leverage. Thinking was getting increasingly difficult.

“I… I’ve missed you” that was not exactly what you wanted to say.

You heard him chuckle with his lips brushing the skin on your neck.

“Quite right” he kissed the spot beneath your ear “Too”.

You sighed at the sensation, tightening the grip on his hand and letting your other palm splay on his chest. Through the fabric of his shirt, you could feel the fast heartbeat. It was somewhat encouraging to know that it was not just your heart that was beating wildly. He was kissing your neck with something akin to reverence, which made you feel faint. The traces of reason left in your brain started screaming for attention.

“Neil” you huffed, annoyed at how you were unable to voice the mess of thoughts.

Slowly he lifted his head and looked back at you.

“I really like how you say my name” the roguish grin that began it all was back to haunt you “So breathless” his voice was huskier than usual.

He wanted to kill you, evidently.

You met his gaze helplessly, feeling vulnerable with how he could see right through you. He looked almost fascinated by your stunned expression. Then his eyes softened.

“I missed you too” you felt his hand travel down your body to settle on the hip “So much”.

That admission was all it took for you to lose it. Again. You leaned in and initiated another kiss, unable to deny the need you felt. Neil was ready as he easily matched the tempo you have set. This time neither of you wanted to rush it. Instead, you kissed slowly and delicately, enjoying the careless moment. You tangled your hand in his blonde strands, tugging lightly to bring him even closer. He groaned at the sensation, making you feel a new kind of tension. You wanted him to make that sound again. But before you could find ways of achieving that, on the periphery of your attention, you heard the distinctive sound of footsteps approaching fast. Then they stopped abruptly and were replaced with a shocked gasp.

You opened your eyes and found yourself staring straight at Anna. Fuck. She was frozen in the spot three meters away and had a bewildered expression on her face. You knew there was no way in hell she has not realised what was going on. You could only watch as her face scrunched up in a scowl before she turned on her heels and almost ran back down the corridor. That image was enough to help you wake up from the daze. Gently you disentangled from Neil, who looked confused. Despite the reality of the situation downing on you, you grinned seeing his ruffled hair and disoriented gaze.

“Well done, now Anna hates me” you warily eyed the corridor before settling your eyes on him again.

You watched as he slowly absorbed the information, frowned, and then brightened up again when he met your gaze.

“Pretty sure she did already” he eyed you carefully as though assessing the state he brought you to.

Conscious of how you looked, you smoothed your hair and patted your blazed cheeks. There was no pretending that nothing happened, even if you wanted to.

“Why?” you arched your eyebrow at the implication.

“You know why” he just smiled as though it explained everything.

You didn’t know why. At all. You watched as he ruffled his hair even further by combing a hand through it, and your eyes settled on the exposed forearm and rolled up sleeves. For some reason seeing him like that was very thought-provoking. You knew he caught your stare when you heard him chuckle.

“Like what you see?” it was that smug smirk again.

You could not help but roll your eyes at him. This time the voice of reason was not so easily ignored.

“We really should talk before…” you did not even want to finish the sentence.

“Before?” Neil took a step closer again.

“Before we do something much more reckless than… this” you gestured vaguely and took a step back.

“Would that really be so bad?” he bit his lip and eyed you curiously again.

You have had enough. Placing a hand on his chest, you pushed him back. That clearly surprised him.

“Let’s just talk. Please” you put on your best puppy eyes just for him.

That did the job. Thankfully.

“Couldn’t say no to that” he grinned and took your hand in his “C’mon”

Now you just had to figure out what to tell him. The only issue was that you had no idea about how you felt… Fun.

[strawberrypatty]

Eurus and Sherlock’s Relationship and the Game

I am fascinated by the character of Eurus. I’ve seen a lot of disparaging comments about her, but I think she’s incredibly interesting. She changed what we know about Sherlock, Mycroft and the Holmes family. I think this is part of why people are so resistant to the idea of her. We don’t like when the status quo is changed. But the introduction of Eurus does explain quite a few things and deepens our understanding of the characters.

(NOTE: I am not a psychologist. I have tried to leave psychoanalysis out of this. I am just trying to read the text provided to us by the episode) 

Many Holmes pastiches have tried to explain the cause of Sherlock Holmes shunning interpersonal relationships. This is often done by having him with a tragic romance as a young man. He lost the woman he loved and thus has shut himself off from feelings for anyone. This is being reflected in Sherlock’s childhood trauma as the cause in Sherlock. This makes a lot of sense. In fact, having childhood trauma being the cause makes even more sense than a tragic romance as it is a far more scarring experience for him. Not only does Sherlock lose his best friend, it is because of the sister who tormented him. When he blocked the memories out, instead of getting Sherlock proper help to deal with his trauma, Mycroft just reinforced it for what he felt was Sherlock’s own safety.

I use the word “tormented” to describe Sherlock’s interactions with Eurus. While Eurus wanted to play with Sherlock, we don’t know HOW she wanted to play with Sherlock. She doesn’t understand what pain is. She wanted to make Sherlock laugh, but she doesn’t understand the concept of pain so instead she took screaming as laughter. She lacks the ability to recognize the difference between negative and positive stimuli.

To her, giving him the mystery of what happened to Victor Trevor is a gift to Sherlock. She’s giving him a puzzle to figure out. She understands that Sherlock has an attachment to him which will spur him to search. Only, Eurus doesn’t understand that Victor is a living, breathing human being. We see even as an adult that Eurus can’t grasp that other people are anything more than unconscious bags of meat, as witnessed by her “jet” and calling the governor a prisoner of his own meat. There is of course also an element of jealousy. Sherlock and Victor were inseparable. Eurus wanted to play, but she didn’t know how to.

Sherlock was described as an emotional child. I think this was something intriguing to Eurus. It is why she focused on him rather than Mycroft. During the entire Final Problem, Mycroft is as much collateral damage as John or Molly or the Governor. To Eurus, emotions are a puzzle that she has to figure out. All of the tests she sets are psychological and focused on Sherlock.

There is no need for Eurus to spend the night with Sherlock after giving him the Culverton Smith mystery. I believe this is a mix of wanting to understand how he treats a normal person and also a need to be around him. It is the first time in her life she is treated as normal, even if she is in disguise at the time.

When she talks to Sherlock in her cell, she looks betrayed when he doesn’t remember that she taught him to play the violin. She also wants to hear him when he’s playing violin. Eurus is trying to figure out who Sherlock is. He is not to her level, because no one is, but there is still a connection. Sherlock understand the things that she can’t— emotions.

Mycroft can understand Eurus on an intellectual level for the most part (she says if she went a bit slow he would get it). But Sherlock is still her favourite brother. There are think a few reasons for this:

(1) I know they say it’s never twins, but Sherlock and Eurus are FUCKING TWINS. The only reason they had them a year apart (“Irish Twins”) is because Moffat and Gatiss I’m SURE didn’t want to read “Sherlock’s evil twin” in every single review, but every interaction between them is written as if they were twins. There is a deep connection between them that comes from being close siblings.

(2) While Sherlock is the “idiot”, Eurus doesn’t completely understand him. While she is incredibly intelligent, intelligence can’t help someone understand emotion since emotion and logic often work independently. Eurus’ understanding of emotion comes experimenting on Sherlock and examining him.

She speaks of emotional context, but Eurus doesn’t understand what emotional context truly is herself. There is no way she could. She is “beyond Newton” in terms of intellect, but she has been locked up in isolation since childhood. The most she has interacted with people has been to be used as a tool by Mycroft (this might also explain some of her coldness towards Mycroft. Since he used her as a tool, she will use him as the same).

She wants to understand emotional context, which for all of her talk about it turning the third test she does NOT understand. That is the purpose of the tests, so she can find out what Sherlock’s emotional reactions will be. Witness the people she uses in her test: the three people who are most likely to evoke an emotional responce from Sherlock, save for Mrs Hudson (however, I wonder if Eurus has meant for Mrs Hudson to have been killed in the blast on 221B, it’s just that Mycroft was able to rescue her).

There is one thing that is important to keep in mind through all of the Final Problem: The “idiot” Holmes sibling is able to predict the movements of his friends weeks in advance. We also get hints of this from Eurus, being told she spent an hour on Twitter and predicted terrorist attacks. There is an element of this in everything Eurus does. She is attempting to predict what Sherlock will do and what those around him will as well.

The first test is who Sherlock will choose to turn into a murderer (or multiple murderer). She is interested to know how everyone in the room is reacting. She asks for updates on their anxiety levels and suggests she should have fit them for cardiographs. This is how Eurus sees emotion, as physical responces.

Eurus is also completely and utterly in control of the test. I didn’t realize this until my third viewing. She said she’s providing a countdown, but it’s not verbal. Then I realized… The Governor himself is the countdown. Eurus has used her hypnotic suggestion on the Governor to take over Sherrinford. It is completely plausible that she would also set him to kill himself if John or Mycroft fail to kill him within the allotted timespan. That way, the Governor is out of the way for the next tests and John (and Sherlock) culpable of murder by proxy for their inaction.

Eurus says that the Governor is as interesting dead as he was alive. There is the same cavalier attitude towards anyone who is not Sherlock. The interest in John and Mycroft is still focused on Sherlock, as it will tie into Eurus’ finale. She gets into this during The Three Garridebs: “Make use of your friends. I want to see you interact with people you’re close to. Also, you may have to choose which one to keep.”.

In the first test, Eurus is instructing Sherlock to murder someone using either John or Mycroft as a murder weapon. She will be aware of Sherlock’s murder of Magnussen, so she knows that Sherlock is capable of murder. But what she is interested in is which one Sherlock will choose to use. I believe this ties into the final test.

With the Garridebs, Eurus says exactly why she does the test: She wants to see him repress his emotions in order for his reasoning to work. So she gives him the “context” that his actions will condemn someone to die. The Sherlock that Eurus is familiar with was quite emotional. But she’s heard and seen that he has turned himself into a cold, calculating man of logic. Mostly likely Mycroft has told her it is because of her. She wants to test that, see how far it goes, how much influence she has had on him.

In the end, her killing of all three Garridebs is because they don’t matter. What matters is Sherlock.

And now, the scene I have already written SO MUCH about. This is such a fascinating scene to me: the one with Molly Hooper. I will try not to repeat myself too much, but it is bound to happen. It is important to note that Eurus has SEEN Sherlock interact with Molly, albeit briefly. She heard John say that Molly is the one person able to see through Sherlock’s bullshit. We also don’t know what kind of information Eurus has received on Sherlock. However, it is clear to me that Eurus knew Sherlock harboured feelings for Molly. Why is this? Because Molly doesn’t matter to Eurus. She is— like everyone who is not Sherlock— just meat. Sherlock lying to Molly doesn’t make sense because (1) Molly would’ve seen through it. (2) Guilt over playing with Molly’s affections isn’t enough for Eurus. Her previous two tests have been about Sherlock and life and death. Each subsequent test chips away more and more at him emotionally. Just making Sherlock revert back to who he was in Series One is not a strong enough test. Eurus is intelligent enough to know that Molly will want Sherlock to say it first and that Sherlock does in fact mean it. He doesn’t know what it means, but that is the reaction she wants.

Eurus claims a victory, because Sherlock has failed to figure out that she wouldn’t have wired Molly’s house with explosives. He was too blinded with panic to think logically, because someone he absolutely loved was in danger. He fails because he couldn’t come up with a way to get Molly to say the words without admitting his own feelings. (“Look what you did to yourself. All of those complicated little emotions.”)

Before Eurus mocks Sherlock, she has a fascinating reaction to Sherlock and Molly admitting their love. I’ve provided a screencap because of how important I believe this is.

That is not the look of an cold, removed scientist. In trying to evoke an emotional responce out of Sherlock using Molly, Eurus I believe has felt something herself. Eurus said that she liked to make Sherlock “laugh”. She has now gotten another emotional reaction from him.

The final test is whether or not Sherlock will kill John or Mycroft. This is Eurus’ true test, because she doesn’t actually know what Sherlock’s reaction is going to be. When Sherlock makes his choice, she says that is was Jim who predicted Sherlock would kill Mycroft. If she had thought that was the case, wouldn’t she say that herself?

I think Eurus thought that Sherlock would kill John, because Mycroft is family. Deep down, what Eurus is looking for is familial affection and she believed that Sherlock would choose family. He would choose HER in the end.

But Sherlock has been put through so much by this point that he’s managed to deduce enough about Eurus. He knows she still wants— needs— him alive. So he decides to kill himself. Rather than just doing it straight off, he gives her a verbal countdown, the thing she robbed them of when killing the Governor and his wife. He knows Eurus will stop him and thus both Mycroft and John will be saved.

Either way, someone was going to end up in the well. Eurus has stripped Sherlock down emotionally and mentally for two purposes:

(1) Getting him to really remember her and her game.

(2) Motivate him to finish it.

And in the end, her game is for Sherlock to come to her. Because she needs Sherlock. She is the girl in the jet with unconscious people around her. She is crashing, because she doesn’t understand her feelings. She has been locked away since she was five years old, just used as a pawn for Mycroft. Mycroft hasn’t had any interest in her emotional wellbeing. He has written her off. He doesn’t know how to deal with it, just like he believed the answer to Sherlock’s problems were to let him forget his childhood trauma rather than work through it.

In the end, I think the relationship of Eurus and Sherlock comes down to the fact that Sherlock is a bridge between Eurus and everyone else. Sherlock is in essence Eurus’ John. It is through John that Sherlock really learns how to form interpersonal relationships. When we meet him in A Study in Pink, he’s not able to find a flatmate, he can’t tell when a girl is asking him out for coffee. But it is through his relationship with John that he has managed to get to this point, where he calls Mary and Molly is friends, where he is able to admit his love for Molly, where he can talk to Mycroft without snarking. Sherlock is the only person who can speak on Eurus’ level, but teach her about the parts of life that she doesn’t understand, emotions and how to be able to live in the world.

Unfortunately, Eurus has done so much that she will have to remain locked up. But we see at the end that Sherlock and Eurus finally play together, this time with their violins. The Holmes family comes together, finally able to start to mend themselves after so many years of heartache.

And Sherlock himself has come to a new place in his life. He has subconsciously tried to make himself into Eurus, albeit a much more controlled one. He cuts himself off from people. He uses his intelligence as an excuse to not socialize with people because they bore him. He has even done experiments on his friends. He drugs John with terror toxin to see his reaction, he has drugged him in the past. He has even done the exact same thing Eurus did, threatening John with a bomb to get him to reveal his true feelings about Sherlock’s faked death, with Eurus does to Sherlock by threatening Molly with an explosive. As Mycroft said, the man Sherlock is comes from his hidden memory of Eurus. The emotional trauma of losing his friend, his home and his sister was too much for him to bear and he cut himself off, instead forming himself into a less version of Eurus.

But that’s not who he is. He’s Sherlock Holmes, the detective in the funny hat. He is a man with friends, with emotions. By the end montage we see him smiling, happy. He has accepted who he really is. He can still be the detective in the silly hat, but he had been able to let go of the things that have held him back from being who he truly is.