#I say hehe haha and then I do a little jig
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Sleep really does help the "everyone hates me, I hate me" feeling. It also kills my motivation to do things, oh well.
I will say changing the language I use about myself and remembering that assuming my friends secretly hate me is kinda mean really helped me recognize my own self worth
So even when my brain is having A Moment I still know itâs not really a reflection of who I am as a person, but a consequence of the mental illness Im still learning to cope with, even on the meds
#Iâve been through years of therapy and basically learned how to therapy myself#I was in an outpatient program for a few weeks but I got out early because the meds kicked in#(I started them a month or two before outpatient)#and by the time the program started I was already a functioning member of society)#but the group leader person basically told us to consider the difference between a âme problemâ and a âyou problemâ#like my parents still treat me like a little girl even though Iâm an adult man#which isnât because of something I did or said#theyâre just transphobic and I canât control that#but if itâs a situation where I am in control itâs entirely a me problem#not cleaning my room for six months is on me and I canât blame any outside sources for that#that definitely at least helped me compartmentslize the best ways to navigate my decision making if#but also even just saying âno I donâtâ after you say âI hate myselfâ itâs a good place to start#anything you say about yourself is something your brain will subconsciously start to believe#itâs definitely a more difficult hurdle to get over#and I fall back into old habits so easily#but trust me when I say thatâs the best way to learn your worth#neon answers#I am not a therapist#anything I say is purely from personal experience#take all of this with a grain of salt#I am still just a little man with green hair#I say hehe haha and then I do a little jig#I am not always meant to be taken seriously
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readmylipstick
Ai, I think I really, really messed up this time.
pear-otter
Whatâs wrong??
readmylipstick
At bonfire I did some things, or specifically I said some things that I really shouldnât have.
pear-otter
Okay well, what specifically? Iâm sure it couldnât have been too bad!!
readmylipstick
I got drunk and confessed my romantic feelings to someone who most definitely doesnât reciprocate them.
pear-otter
Hmm. What exactly did you say, do you remember? (You donât have to tell me who, even if I have my suspicions.) How did they react?
readmylipstick
It was Clea, which may or may not have been obvious. Thereâs not really a point in hiding it anymore, I think.
It was bad Ai! So bad!!
pear-otter
Were they angry? Upset?
readmylipstick
They were mad, I think, because I didnât tell them earlier.
pear-otter
Well thatâs hardly fair.
Look the thing is, you and Clea are good friends!!! Iâm sure that your friendship can survive this!
Just give yourself and them a few days to cool off and see where you stand.
readmylipstick
Can it survive? Iâve been muddling our friendship with a bunch of other weird feelings. Now the jig is up, and it feels like everything is different.
pear-otter
I mean things will change, definitely, but relationships change naturally anyway! Iâm sure if Clea was upset at you it will pass. Are you upset with them?
readmylipstick
Maybe a little? But, honestly theyâve put up with so much when dealing with me, so I canât justify being mad at them.
I guess I just mostly feel really bad for making them uncomfortable? And, also for making a total fool of myself!
pear-otter
Etsuko, being someoneâs friend means âputting upâ with their stuff and âdealing with themâ, you know? You shouldnât feel indebted to Clea just because theyâre your friend. You have a right to be angry if thatâs what the situation is making you feel. Itâs better to be honest with your emotions not brush them aside.
readmylipstick
I guess I am angry then. But, also kind of sad?
pear-otter
Did Clea outright reject you?
readmylipstick
Yeah, I think so. And, if Iâm being honest, having unrequited feelings is actually really awful, you know?
Or maybe you donât hehe. I canât possibly imagine anyone rejecting you!
pear-otter
Oh, haha, thatâs sweet of you to say! Youâre also quite a catch Etsuko, donât let this situation make you believe otherwise, okay?
Do you still want to be friends with Clea?
Even if you canât date them?
readmylipstick
Yes! Of course!
I just donât want it to be awkward and whatnot.
pear-otter
Try not to think of the situation as awkward between you two. Itâs just a pause while Clea thinks. Youâve cleared the air, told Clea how you feel. The ball is in their court now, so relax. Iâm sure theyâll approach you to talk about it, because they value your friendship.
readmylipstick
Okay! I hope so!!!
pear-otter
Iâm sure they will :)
readmylipstick
Well, either way, thank you for the advice. Itâs always appreciated!
You know, if youâre ever having a problem Iâd be happy to hear about it!
I feel like youâre always helping me out, but I donât help you as much!
pear-otter
Oh, thatâs okay Etsuko!! Iâm just glad youâre comfortable enough to come to me for help when you need it! But Iâll keep your offer in mind if I ever need some advice!!
pear-otter
Also Val is wishing you well!! I didnât tell her it was you specifically, but she knows some people on campus are upset right now, so. Sent along her good wishes, haha!
Sheâs here for you too, if you ever need someone else to talk to.
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