#I say hehe haha and then I do a little jig
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Sleep really does help the "everyone hates me, I hate me" feeling. It also kills my motivation to do things, oh well.
I will say changing the language I use about myself and remembering that assuming my friends secretly hate me is kinda mean really helped me recognize my own self worth
So even when my brain is having A Moment I still know it’s not really a reflection of who I am as a person, but a consequence of the mental illness Im still learning to cope with, even on the meds
#I’ve been through years of therapy and basically learned how to therapy myself#I was in an outpatient program for a few weeks but I got out early because the meds kicked in#(I started them a month or two before outpatient)#and by the time the program started I was already a functioning member of society)#but the group leader person basically told us to consider the difference between a ‘me problem’ and a ‘you problem’#like my parents still treat me like a little girl even though I’m an adult man#which isn’t because of something I did or said#they’re just transphobic and I can’t control that#but if it’s a situation where I am in control it’s entirely a me problem#not cleaning my room for six months is on me and I can’t blame any outside sources for that#that definitely at least helped me compartmentslize the best ways to navigate my decision making if#but also even just saying ‘no I don’t’ after you say ‘I hate myself’ it’s a good place to start#anything you say about yourself is something your brain will subconsciously start to believe#it’s definitely a more difficult hurdle to get over#and I fall back into old habits so easily#but trust me when I say that’s the best way to learn your worth#neon answers#I am not a therapist#anything I say is purely from personal experience#take all of this with a grain of salt#I am still just a little man with green hair#I say hehe haha and then I do a little jig#I am not always meant to be taken seriously
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readmylipstick
Ai, I think I really, really messed up this time.
pear-otter
What’s wrong??
readmylipstick
At bonfire I did some things, or specifically I said some things that I really shouldn’t have.
pear-otter
Okay well, what specifically? I’m sure it couldn’t have been too bad!!
readmylipstick
I got drunk and confessed my romantic feelings to someone who most definitely doesn’t reciprocate them.
pear-otter
Hmm. What exactly did you say, do you remember? (You don’t have to tell me who, even if I have my suspicions.) How did they react?
readmylipstick
It was Clea, which may or may not have been obvious. There’s not really a point in hiding it anymore, I think.
It was bad Ai! So bad!!
pear-otter
Were they angry? Upset?
readmylipstick
They were mad, I think, because I didn’t tell them earlier.
pear-otter
Well that’s hardly fair.
Look the thing is, you and Clea are good friends!!! I’m sure that your friendship can survive this!
Just give yourself and them a few days to cool off and see where you stand.
readmylipstick
Can it survive? I’ve been muddling our friendship with a bunch of other weird feelings. Now the jig is up, and it feels like everything is different.
pear-otter
I mean things will change, definitely, but relationships change naturally anyway! I’m sure if Clea was upset at you it will pass. Are you upset with them?
readmylipstick
Maybe a little? But, honestly they’ve put up with so much when dealing with me, so I can’t justify being mad at them.
I guess I just mostly feel really bad for making them uncomfortable? And, also for making a total fool of myself!
pear-otter
Etsuko, being someone’s friend means “putting up” with their stuff and “dealing with them”, you know? You shouldn’t feel indebted to Clea just because they’re your friend. You have a right to be angry if that’s what the situation is making you feel. It’s better to be honest with your emotions not brush them aside.
readmylipstick
I guess I am angry then. But, also kind of sad?
pear-otter
Did Clea outright reject you?
readmylipstick
Yeah, I think so. And, if I’m being honest, having unrequited feelings is actually really awful, you know?
Or maybe you don’t hehe. I can’t possibly imagine anyone rejecting you!
pear-otter
Oh, haha, that’s sweet of you to say! You’re also quite a catch Etsuko, don’t let this situation make you believe otherwise, okay?
Do you still want to be friends with Clea?
Even if you can’t date them?
readmylipstick
Yes! Of course!
I just don’t want it to be awkward and whatnot.
pear-otter
Try not to think of the situation as awkward between you two. It’s just a pause while Clea thinks. You’ve cleared the air, told Clea how you feel. The ball is in their court now, so relax. I’m sure they’ll approach you to talk about it, because they value your friendship.
readmylipstick
Okay! I hope so!!!
pear-otter
I’m sure they will :)
readmylipstick
Well, either way, thank you for the advice. It’s always appreciated!
You know, if you’re ever having a problem I’d be happy to hear about it!
I feel like you’re always helping me out, but I don’t help you as much!
pear-otter
Oh, that’s okay Etsuko!! I’m just glad you’re comfortable enough to come to me for help when you need it! But I’ll keep your offer in mind if I ever need some advice!!
pear-otter
Also Val is wishing you well!! I didn’t tell her it was you specifically, but she knows some people on campus are upset right now, so. Sent along her good wishes, haha!
She’s here for you too, if you ever need someone else to talk to.
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